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March 26, 2016 - Jimmy Dore Show
57:53
20160326_The_Jimmy_Dore_Show_3-25-16
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Today's show is brought to us by Harry's.com.
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show!
The Jimmy Dore Show!
Beep.
Beep.
Jimmy.
It's little rookie Perry.
He's dropping a little you hoodles.
So what has the former Texas governor been up to since he got out of the presidential race?
Well, I'm glad you asked, Jimmy.
FYI, I'm being sarcastic.
I'm a little hurt that you haven't asked, but you know, what ebs.
Well, mostly Papa Rick has been keeping a low profile here at Macondo and Key West.
What I like to call niggerhead east.
So yeah, I'm not going out to the clubs or nothing.
I mean, I figure I can do paupers at home just as well as in a club.
And I have a dance party at the house every Tuesday and Thursday.
And holidays, of course.
Like this Sunday.
Holy shit.
I'm going to wear my Easter bonnet and very little else, if you know what I mean.
Then the other day I went out and stoved for Kay Cruz, which that guy creeps my shit out.
Shaking hands with him is like holding a cold flash of teas.
Like, what am I supposed to do with this?
But, you know, if I didn't endorse him, the Texas Republican Party would have been like, you got to go.
So if I ever want to make money again, and FYI, I do.
Then I got to say nice things about that weird bad Cruz.
Oh my God.
Did you hear Bill Crystal was all like, I think we should draft Rick Perry at the convention.
And I'm like, Bill Crystal, shut the fuck up.
That convention is going to be like prom from Carrie, and I do not want to be the prettiest girl at that one.
I'm going to be hanging out near the exit, so the moment the pig blood drops, I can be on the first flat to bokeh.
Hey, who's old Ricky's got to run?
But Jimmy, don't be a stranger.
Unless, of course, stranger fantasy is something you're into.
in which case, stranger hit up whoever you are.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
...the kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to TV.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's show.
I'm Joe.
Here we are in Studio B, Culver City.
I'm joined, as always, by the miserable liberal Steph Samurano is here.
Hey, Steph.
Hi, Jimmy.
I'm still here.
Yeah, you can't see her, but you can hear also from Team Yasamura, hilarious Japanese man, Robert Yasamura.
Hey, Robert, how are you?
Ohio.
Also with his run-in-the-tech, Hank Tompeson.
Hello, new sound equipment.
I'm freaking out.
Don't freak out, be the way.
I met Bernie Sanders today.
Hi, everybody.
Met Bert Zadi.
So it's a big day.
Met Bernie Sanders today.
He shook my hand.
He came up to me and he goes, you're Jimmy Doer, right?
I said, yes.
He goes, big fan of your YouTube work.
That's what he said.
Who said that?
Fucking videos are great.
He said something like that.
I don't know if that was exactly what we said to each other, but it was more, or I could have said, hi, Senator Sanders, Jimmy Dore.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Now, it could have been that, too.
I don't know exactly what we said, but it was either that or he gave me a compliment on the show.
He gave our resident Latina a hug.
I'm a Mexican and I love Bernie Sanders.
Yep.
Hey, listen, today's birthday, you know whose birthday it was?
Twitter.
Twitter's birthday.
10 years.
10 years old, Twitter.
140 characters for 10 years.
Happy.
I say happy birthday because you've connected me to a whole world of people that I otherwise would never have had the chance to block or mute.
That's right.
That's what I see.
You know, the GOP's getting desperate to stop Trump before he secures the GOP nomination and then continues to run a typical GOP party platform.
That's a good joke.
It's our 13th anniversary of the Iraq invasion.
And has the media learned anything about its uncritical reporting?
We'll discuss that right after this unedited Trump speech.
You know, the traditional gift for 13-year anniversary is rubble.
Rubble.
Rubble.
Good joke, Robert.
Hey, did you hear Scott Bayo?
Friend of the show.
Scott Bayo, friend of the show.
Teen Heartthrob.
Has endorsed Donald Trump, which makes sense because he was on that show Happy Days, which was set in the 50s, just like Trump's policy.
You know, it's a measure of how bottom-of-the-barrel reprehensible Trump is that an endorsement can even tarnish the name of Scott Bayo.
Look for the new sitcom coming out this fall.
Joni Loves Nazi.
A lot of Scott Bayo jokes.
Diagnosis incompetent.
Anybody?
GOP leaders would, they wish Trump would go away, but his ignorant ideas, his racist attitudes, and bat shit policies are more than welcome to stay.
Today's GOP.
You know, luckily, hey, did you hear that Jeb Bush has endorsed Ted Cruz?
Give me a break.
Ted Cruz, give me a break.
He's endorsed Ted Cruz.
Jeb Bush, give me a break.
Has endorsed Ted Cruz.
And luckily for Cruz, Jeb's support comes at the exact moment he needs an endorsement that won't make a bit of difference one way or another.
The GOP is happy no matter who wins, Ted Cruz or Donald Trump, because they'll still be able to use their beautiful Hail Hydra banner.
Bam!
That's a joke I don't get, but I'm told it's funny.
Steps to an America joke.
If you loved America, you'd get that joke.
You see Obama and he went to Cuba?
Sure.
Obama went to, you know, I feel much safer with Obama at a Cuban baseball game than I would with Trump or Cruz in the White House Situation Room.
That's mostly just true.
You know, when terror strikes, like Brussels, we just had the big Brussels terror attack.
Everyone's scared.
Remember, more people die slipping in the bathtub.
Not that it's not bad.
I'm just saying, don't freak out.
Okay.
You know, when terror strikes, our American media steps up its game by turning to the experts who've always been wrong and always makes things worse.
Thank you.
Thank you, American media.
You know, I would feel so much safer right now after this Brussels terror attack.
I would feel so much safer if a reality show star who builds golf courses and his own brand of steaks was in charge.
Hey, maybe this is all a bad dream.
And we'll wake up to find Donald Trump never entered the race and Ted Cruz is the front runner.
And oh, fuck.
Wait a minute.
What's coming up on today's show?
We got phone calls from Ted Cruz.
We got another phone call from Liam Neeson is coming up today.
Who else calling in today, Robert?
I forgot.
Oh, Rick Perry.
Rick Perry calls in today.
That's right.
Plus, we're going to talk about President Obama goes to Cuba.
Chris Matthews has some crazy ramblings twice.
Dan Rather also shows us why he's not on television anymore.
Plus, we're going to talk about Denmark and how they're so happy and a lot lot more, a lot lot more.
That's today on The Jimmy Dore Show.
So maybe you don't know, but the establishment media and the establishment establishment is against Bernie Sanders, 100%.
And in Arizona, people, by the way, Aaron, so they had three primaries.
There was Idaho, Utah, and Arizona.
Bernie Sanders crushed Hillary Clinton in Idaho and Utah.
Again, there were lines around polling places, lines and lines, not enough ballots.
It's like it's the first time we've ever run an election in the United States.
Bo, but it's not.
But it's the first time actually that we have an anti-establishment candidate who might actually have the ability to upend the establishment.
And all of a sudden, there's long lines.
There's no ballots.
I don't know what the F's going on.
We're flipping coins.
They all come up for the establishment.
What's going on?
I don't know.
If there's chaos, it always helps the establishment.
Okay, so keep that in mind.
So in Arizona, people were, by the way, in Arizona, in Maricopa County, where most of the people in Arizona live, they had 200.
In 2012, they had 200 polling places.
You know how many they had this time when the Bernie Sanders was running?
60.
So there were people who waited in line two, three, four hours.
There were people, thousands of people in line after the polls were supposed to have closed.
Maricopa County had already called their election, and there were people still standing in line waiting to vote.
So who's responsible?
Why did all this happen?
Well, there's the people who run the election there, Arizona, county recorder, the county recorder running everything.
And in Maricopa County, the county recorder's name is Helen Purcell.
Now, she's a mixture of a Nurse Ratchet from One Blue Over, the Cuckoo's Nest, and Martin Short's Nathan Thrum character.
And a reporter asked her, what the heck?
Why does it look like this is the first time?
Why do we look like a banana republic?
Why do we look like a third world country trying to do democracy for the first time?
Why did people have to wait in line three and four hours in the United States of America, three and four hours to vote?
Working people on a working day don't have that kind of time to stand in line.
You know who do?
The people who own the businesses.
They have the time to stand in line.
And retired people.
Oh, all the people who are, I don't know, favoring the establishment.
So a reporter went and confronted Helen Purcell, the county recorder in Maricopa County.
Buckle up.
Here we go.
Here's what she had to say.
Obviously, you've heard of all the frustration.
Who's to blame for this, these long lines?
Well, the voters for getting in line.
God damn it.
If it wasn't for those pesky voters, none of this would have happened.
And she's right.
Technically, she's right.
If it wasn't for those people.
You know, if the voters would stop voting, it would make her job so much easier.
Okay, so that's her first answer.
That's a wrong answer.
I think we can all agree.
Maybe not a good answer.
That's a bad answer.
The wait time to vote in dictatorships is like under two minutes.
Yeah, you can vote in Russia.
Yeah.
Real short lines.
It was easier to vote in Iraq in the middle of a civil war.
Hey, look, I got purple on my finger.
Okay, she's got more to say.
Maybe us for not having enough polling places.
Maybe us for not having enough polling places.
Maybe.
She blames the voter, but her knee jerk is what the heck's with these people.
And maybe us for not having to do it.
We might have a little something to do with it.
She doesn't say certainly.
She doesn't say certainly.
Hey, captain of the Titanic, who's to blame for this?
I'm going to guess.
I'm first going to point it at the people who wanted to take a trip.
Those pests.
Those passengers wanted to go from one side of the Atlantic to another.
And there's icebergs out there, too.
That'd be who I'd blame.
Icebergs, passengers, maybe us for hitting it.
Maybe us for not having enough life votes.
Maybe.
So maybe.
Maybe.
For the most part, it's the passengers' fault for not being able to swim in icy water.
Why can't you swim in an icy water?
So here's Helen Purcell.
She's got more to say.
Or as many as we usually have.
But I think we've seen the hype in the last, I'd say, week to 10 days of the candidates that Afro Canada is coming here, which we haven't seen in past years.
So I think that's kind of stirred everybody up.
So guess what happened?
First of all, the goddamn voters showed up.
And then secondly, candidates, the people who were running, they also showed up and they were stirring crap up.
They're irregular agitators.
That's all she's talking about.
Candidates coming to Arizona, campaigning.
They came and they stirred it up, boy.
And boy, did my job get hard.
They stirred it up.
They stirred it up.
With their words and their saying them out loud.
Come on.
It's not like she had enough warning these past four years.
If we could just get rid of these candidates stirring things up with the voters, elections would run a lot smoother.
Look, we just want people to come and vote for Joe Arpaio and go home.
That's how we do it.
She's got a point, though.
I mean, who do you blame for Michael Bay films?
The people who go to see them.
That's okay.
Now, that's really fair.
Right?
I agree.
Right?
How can I elect politicians who will cut government to nothing when the government is so cut that I can't even vote?
See this?
This is what they call a double bind.
You can't get out of that one.
What's the sound of one hand clapping?
Okay, so she's got more to say.
There guys, then there's definitely high interest.
Now, are you saying voters should have sent in ballots by mail because you're saying they're partly to blame for standing in line?
Well, no, they're not blamed for standing in line.
They went.
But I'm blaming them for standing in line.
They're not to blame, but I guess the first thing I said when you asked who's to blame, I said the voters.
So I guess I'm trying to say two things at once.
Who do you think I support?
Hillary Clinton.
Okay, here we go.
The polling places.
They could have voted early, or, you know, that was their option in this instance.
So I don't mean to blame the voters.
But let's blame them.
Let's do.
But I did, and let's have that be the first thing I say.
Wonderful.
Voters went to the polls.
It was wonderful.
But voters went to the poll.
She has a great philosophy.
Look, the more voter turnout, the more voters need to be turned away, I guess.
That's what you're saying.
She's got more to say, Hank.
Okay.
I'm into it.
Listen to her.
Are you going to talk?
How could this have been prevented?
So this reporter keeps trying to get her to answer correctly.
Give me a, how, what?
How could this?
Are you saying?
Here she goes.
I don't really know.
Oh, there you go, I guess.
Well, that's no idea how people who run elections don't have any idea how to run an election.
Come on.
I have no idea.
Not like, well, obviously, we should have had more polling places open.
We should have anticipated because, you know, the candidates came in and stirred it up.
We saw that.
She has no idea.
She doesn't have, I'm a blank.
Nothing comes to mind.
How do we, I don't know.
I guess it's just going to happen again like this.
I have no, not, well, we have a few things on the table.
Obviously, there's some, not that, but no, not even a.
I'm thinking nothing.
I'm coming up with nothing.
There's no way to fix this.
I'm the person in charge.
Nope.
Still nothing.
Not even an idea.
She's refusing to take responsibility for this.
Like maybe she thinks she has a future career outside of Maricopa County.
Like maybe she's going to do some recording at the state level.
Maybe go to regionals.
Like she really wants to take her recording career to the next level.
She wants to be a maybe she wants to run on a national ticket as a recorder.
Who knows?
I think that Nancy Reagan wig she's wearing has gone to her head a little bit.
I really have.
I wanted to know this.
Does Phyllis Schlafly know you stole her wardrobe?
Here we go.
There we go.
She's got more to say.
She really does have more to say.
Slafly's a funny word.
It is Slaffley.
When you look back on this, is this going to be a failure of your office?
So this reporter keeps trying to get her to admit she's screwed up and she won't do it.
It's hilarious.
I don't think so.
I don't think so.
No, I don't think it's failure of my office.
What would make you think this was a failure of my office?
I'm running the election and there was a complete cluster fuck at the polls and you think it's my fault there is no there is no shame in taking responsibility for your actions for mistakes.
Mistakes happen.
There's no shame in taking responsibility for it.
Ever.
Here, she's got more to say.
People out to vote?
Is that a failure?
Okay, let's hear that again because that was pretty good.
I'm sorry.
I kinda stopped that bad habit.
When you look back on this, is this going to be a failure of your office?
I don't think so.
When you get people out to vote?
Is that a failure?
No, but when you get people out to vote and then they can't vote, that is a failure.
That's what they call a failure.
Hey, what do you hey, captain of the Titanic?
Is this your failure?
Wait, when you get a lot of people on a ship, is that a failure?
We got more people bought tickets down the Titanic than any other ship I'd ever been on.
Is that a failure?
Yeah, if you drown them all, yeah, that's a failure.
Walking on the Titanic is nice, but walking off is the important part.
You want to get to America.
And the whole part about voting is you have to, it's not just showing up.
That's not, you're not a success yet.
You actually have to actually have to vote.
So if you show up to vote, that's good.
But actually being able to vote, that's the key point that Helen Purcell is missing.
The key point is to actually vote.
Hey, everybody showed up.
Do we have ballots?
No.
Success.
Where's my raise?
You guys don't give me a trophy.
Just a little more cash would be good.
And not a few sentences ago, she made it very clear.
She has nothing to do with getting out the vote.
She, matter of fact, she was kind of pissed at people for getting out the vote.
Her office, their only job is not to get out the vote.
Their job is to be there when the vote gets out.
That's all they're supposed to do.
And if they don't have enough money or resources to properly run it, her job is to scream bloody hell before.
Yes.
We don't have enough.
This is an emergency because we're about to subvert democracy.
And she obviously isn't doing that.
Well, she also went on to say, we will certainly look at this and see if we need to do something different.
Well, hey, again, we got more for what she has to say.
Here it comes.
I don't think so.
Four-hour lines.
Some people reported having to stand in lines for more than three hours.
How do you tell these people that's just part of the process?
I didn't say that it's part of the process.
I'm glad they went out.
I'm sorry that they had to wait that long, but I'm glad they went out to vote.
And they want some answers.
Why did this happen?
So again, no answers from this vote.
She will not give it.
This is what people hate about government.
This kind of stuff.
And this reporter was like, boy, I've seen some people not answer questions before, but this is really.
She's like.
I think I just explained that to you.
So, I mean, I guess who are you blaming then?
Is it the independent voters?
Why did this happen?
I'm not blaming anybody.
I said that there are a lot of different.
Yeah, well, you should blame someone.
Yourself!
The person in charge!
That's why she keeps asking you this question.
See, I don't get what's with this reporter.
What?
Hey, what are you doing?
Why are you, what's with all the finger pointing after a complete screw-up?
What's with all the follow-up questions?
Where are the nice softballs I've gotten used to in the three interviews I've ever given as the recording officer of this county?
Hey, one person, one vote, one polling place, six-hour line.
What's a big deal?
Come on, when we go to the supermarket, if they're five people deep, we're usually, hey, is another I'll drop the food right there.
I'm like, you know what?
I can't six people.
Oh, I'll go home.
I'll go home and eat my fingernails.
I'm not standing on the line.
That's how I feel at the grocery store.
I don't know how you guys feel.
Let's see if she has anything more to say.
Factors that went into what is going on today.
Okay.
I guess I don't feel like I understand how this happened.
What's the problem?
Why were there this reporter is mine is bug book?
This must be me.
Maybe the first week on the job for this reporter.
Wait a minute.
I can't KKK.
Wait, wait.
Can you just say, I don't, I don't, woo-hoo.
Ha.
This is hilarious.
She's a great reporter.
Yes, she's doing a great job.
The reporter's doing a great job.
But it's like more seasoned reporters would be like, oh, you're going to give the B. Okay, thanks.
I'm going to go have a lunch.
Okay.
That's a screen game.
But this is excellent.
By the way, excellent job of this reporter.
That's what I want to say.
Yeah, I wish more reporters would be like, I'm going to keep asking this question until you actually answer it.
Let's hear more she has to say.
This isn't happening in other counties.
This has only been a report in America.
Well, it is happening in other counties.
We have heard the same thing from other counties that they are having the issue.
Some of them with the independent voters trying to vote.
And we have to allow them to vote.
So we'll vote them a provisional ballot, which will not count, but we have to do the paperwork on that.
Anyway.
So do you think you have to?
Oh, we have to find them more.
We got to do the goddamn.
Look, look.
Do you know who the victim is?
Let's think about the real victim here.
The victim is all the people who have to count all these votes now of all the jerks who showed up.
Mary, we have to do the show.
She's like, she comes to me and she's like, where do we keep the provisional ballots?
And I'm like, I don't know.
What are these?
Oh, God, I think that they're behind the Cokes in the break room.
And then we got to go and we got to move the Cokes.
Well, those voters really inconvenienced the people who had to count the votes.
Now, if you don't know who Dan Rather is, Dan Rather used to be the host of the CBS.
He was the anchor of the CBS news.
Did he take over for Walter Cronkite?
Or there must have been someone in the middle.
I don't remember.
But anyway, he was the big shot.
He came out of the same dojo.
Yes.
Yeah.
Well, I don't know what dojo means, but karate school.
Yeah.
Okay.
So Dan Rather, okay.
So by the way, this is Dan Rather.
So you're going to see a picture of him come up.
That's Dan Rather.
There he is.
That's Dan Rather.
And he was the host of the CBS.
He was the anchor of the CBS News.
And then he got canned because he told the truth about George Bush's war record.
And you can't do that.
It's a long story.
We'll get to it.
But they fired him for telling everybody that George Bush didn't show up for his, what did they call that?
National Guard service.
So he was, you know, there was a way for rich guys to skip out on the war.
You go join the champagne division of this National Guard.
Anyway, he got fired.
So now he's doing a show for the guy who owns the Dallas Mavericks.
Mark Cuban has a channel called Axis, I think it's called, or something.
Who knows?
I don't know where it is.
I can't find it on my cable.
And I certainly have never saw Dan Rather on there.
Should have been.
It's called Ally.
I find Mark Cuban on the Shark Tank.
I watch that all the time.
That's right on CNBC.
I know where that is.
Right?
Yeah.
But I don't know where to find Mark Cuban's cable channel.
So anyway, so he was on with Rachel Maddow, Dan Rather.
He's still considered a liberal icon, but guess what?
He was talking about Donald Trump.
And I can understand a newsman not wanting to use inflammatory language.
But what Dan Rather does here in describing Donald Trump almost makes me feel sorry for him because he's obviously lost touch.
But let's watch.
Here we come.
Thank you.
Now, as you know, I have a bit as hard on Donald Trump as some people, and I don't mean to be overly so, but when he says violence is good for my campaign, which he said recently, it may be good for his campaign, but what's good for the country?
Yeah.
And with all of these candidates.
Okay, so starts off good.
What's good for the country?
Okay, so he's going to start.
He's going to start wagging his finger and say, what's wrong with this?
And how come this hurts the...
Not enough news people are doing that, by the way.
Starts off strong.
Here we go.
I wish they'd stop thinking about what's good for him in their campaign in their pardon, Mr. Thing, but what about the country?
So he just did a false equivalency.
He just said, I wish they all would start worrying about what's okay.
Stop putting Donald Trump in the same category as regular lying politicians.
Okay.
I know most politicians are horrible.
Donald Trump is an extra special horrible, right?
That's why there's a thing called Godwin's Law about Hitler.
That's where he's getting into that level.
Okay.
All right.
So Dan Rather keeps going.
Violence may be good for his campaign, but it's not good for the country.
I have no way of knowing what's in Donald Trump's heart.
But some of his public rhetoric.
Really?
You don't know what's in his heart?
I don't know.
Have you listened to a speech of his?
Why is it being called?
Does he have a heart comb over?
Why can't you see into it?
And by the way, Dan Rather has that annoying thing that happens, and I hope it doesn't happen to me when I get older, is that when he talks, you can hear his teeth chattering inside of his mouth.
Do you hear it?
Is that only me that hears that?
Something's clacking around in there.
There's something clacking around in his mouth.
Okay.
As well as the rhetoric of some of the other candidates has certainly damaged our civil public discourse.
But Donald Trump has a decision to make.
He can turn down the volume.
If he's as smart as I think he is, if he's as good-hearted as I hope he is, he'll turn down the volume.
Good-hearted.
He's smart.
And he's probably good-hearted.
He's probably good-hearted and he's smart.
He's just making a mistake.
You know what?
He doesn't know how politics work.
And I bet I'm just going to ask him to look into his heart because now you know why they've relegated me to a channel nobody watches, right?
Right?
And it wasn't just the teeth clacking that people couldn't stand.
That is.
Are you?
I mean, I understand that news people are supposed to be neutral, what have you, which is we've talked about why that's bullshit.
They're supposed to be objective.
And you can be objective and say, wow, Donald Trump, one of the more bigger maniacs I've ever seen.
He's actually dangerous.
And he reminds me of a lot of strong arm leaders in other countries.
That's what he, not, you know what?
I don't want to judge him.
I can't see into his heart.
I bet he has a good heart.
I bet he thinks.
I don't know.
At some point, you become irresponsible.
And what Dan Rather just did there was really irresponsible.
And I like Dan Rather in general, right?
I think he got screwed over at CBS as much as you can screw over somebody who you've been paying millions of dollars for 20 years.
So, I mean, he's doing okay, is what I'm saying, Dan Rather.
And anyway, anybody have anything to say about that?
Because that just blew my mind.
Well, it's, you know, all I can think about is what a good heart Donald Trump must have.
He must have a good heart.
I mean, watching this campaign, it's all heart.
I mean, and here's Dan Rather, a guy who was a newsman.
He's known Donald Trump for 40 years.
He knows what Donald Trump is about.
He knows all the horrible things he's done.
And this isn't something new.
And this isn't about his new rhetoric.
This is what Donald Trump does.
He chased the president around for four years, asking for his freaking long-form birth certificate.
I bet he looks into his heart.
He's a racist, Dan.
He's a race-baiting, fear-mongering, megalomaniac, xenophobe, misogynist.
These are the words you should use to describe him, not let's look under his heart.
I want you to look into his heart.
And then he do the right thing.
Oh, that's the worst sound to hear into headphones.
That's brutal.
You know, it's like if he can properly diagnose the urgency of or how dangerous Trump is, he seems to sort of start with that.
But if you actually are being anywhere near accurate about how screwed up it is that this insane billionaire has risen to such a level in our political process and system, then the answer has to be the same amount of urgency.
He should be screaming.
He should be pulling his whatever teeth remain out of his head and freaking out at how dangerous this is and pointing out how actually threatening it is to the future of our country and destabilizing to global economies all over the place.
You don't go, well, hopefully if we give it enough time, the volume will get turned down.
Yeah, let's just wait it out, Dan.
That's his advice.
Let's wait it out.
I bet you the volume.
And the problem isn't just the volume.
Right?
Have you looked at his platform?
He wants to exclude third of the world's population from coming into our country.
It turned down the volume.
His ideas are horrible, Dan.
I mean, that's just, and Rachel Maddow, she doesn't say, and, you know, she's just being nice.
She doesn't want to be disrespectful.
But again, let's remember that he's saying this stuff on a news channel that airs all his speeches unedited and live.
And Rachel Maddow has not screamed about that enough to get fired yet.
So I'm going to say she could do a better job on that.
Rachel Maddow, as soon as she gets fired, that's when we know she's really doing her job at MSNBC.
Until then.
You've heard me say it before.
I got tired of standing in a drugstore trying to find an employee to come over to open a plexiglass box so I can do a little shopping.
That always took forever, but I don't do that anymore.
What do I do?
I go to Harry's.com and it takes about 30 seconds.
You can order your, you can order some razors right there.
And guess what?
If you use the promo code Jimmy, if you go to Harry's.com and use the promo code Jimmy, they're going to give you $5 off your first order.
But here's the interesting thing, right?
So you know their blades are great.
They're German engineered.
It's their third three-year anniversary.
So they have a special run.
And get this.
They're going to give you three five-blade German engineer blades for $10.
That's a great deal.
They're going to give you three five-blade German-engineered razors and they're going to give you a handle and shaving cream for the special price of $10.
That seems like a good deal, right?
That's a three-year anniversary special.
They're offering you three different five-blade German-engineered razors with a handle and shaving cream for the special price of $10, right?
Okay.
So also, if you go over to Harry's.com, use the promo code Jimmy.
They're going to get you $5 off your first order.
To me, it's the easiest thing in the world.
It's great.
You know, getting stuff through the mail, getting your razors through the mail is such a no-hassle way to do things.
And if you go to Harry's.com, it's a no-hassle website, in and out 30 seconds.
So go over to Harry's.com, use the promo code Jimmy, get $5 off your first order.
And you're on your way to having a great shave.
Hi, this is Jimmy.
Who's this?
Jimmy, it's Liam.
Oh, Liam, Liam Neeson.
Hi, Liam.
Great to hear from you.
Jimmy, I want you to listen very closely.
This is important.
I don't have much time.
You don't have much time.
That's right.
I've been taken.
Whoa, where have you been taken?
Yes, Jimmy.
I've been taken.
Taken by your dulcet tones, proliferous verbiage, and your uncompromising social justice.
Oh, well, Liam, thanks, buddy.
That's very flattering, but you don't have to say that stuff.
Hey, remember that movie I did about wolves?
Wolves?
No, I don't recall that one.
The gray.
It was called the Gray.
Yeah.
A pack of merciless wolves haunted my every step.
Okay, yeah.
Well, I don't remember it.
All right.
I'm sorry.
Wolves.
They're like very angry dogs in the snow.
Look, it sounds great, but I never saw that one.
Live or die on this day.
What's that?
That was the tagline.
It grossed over 55 million, Jimmy.
Wow, impressive.
Yes.
In order to prepare for my role, I reportedly ate wolf jerky.
Oh, I don't.
I don't think that was necessary, was it?
Jimmy, don't hang up.
I'm in great danger.
Great danger?
Yes.
I'm becoming your biggest fan.
Oh, you're a Cerbic Bon Monster surpassed only by your political acumen.
Well, thank you very much.
I think.
Are you making fun of me?
No, of course not.
I was just saying thank you.
Are you saying I've become a character of myself?
No, of course not.
I was just thanking you.
That's all.
Because by now, I'm sure you know who I am.
You know what I'm capable of.
Yes, you're a great actor, Liam.
Well, I'll have you on the line.
Do you have any thoughts on last night's Arizona primary, by the way?
Yes.
So far, Clinton's won the Confederate South and Arizona, a state whose main claim to fame is a life-size replica of the town of Bedrock.
So that's good news.
You think that's good news for the Democrats?
Psych!
Oh, I get it.
That was a joke.
Jimmy, listen, I don't have much time.
I'm dying.
What?
No, you're dying.
Yes, Jimmy.
Dying of envy.
I envy your ability to provide the unvarnished truth with a twist of funny.
Well, thank you again, Liam.
I must go now, Jimmy.
People are listening.
But make no mistake.
I will hunt you down.
I will find you.
And I will humiliate you with my urine.
All right.
Okay.
Thanks, Liam.
What the fuck?
The Jimmy Dora show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
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And you spell Sean, S-H-A-U-N.
I was watching the liberal MSNBC the other day.
I could do a whole YouTube channel just pointing out how non-liberal the MSNBC is.
How they are not anything like Fox's on the right.
So Chris Matthews, who's kind of a maniac and made sure he got Phil Donahue fired for opposing the Iraq war.
Anyway, and we have videos about all this stuff about, look, look around the channel.
You'll see us making fun of.
Here he is.
Here's Chris Matthews' big idea on how Hillary can bring the country back together after this after a horrible thing campaign by Trump, right?
So everybody's like, oh, the country's being torn apart.
Donald Trump, I say it's a good thing because Donald Trump is destroying the Republican Party.
Let's remember what's happening.
So the Republican Party did 30 years, 30 years, 40, maybe 50 years of the Southern strategy.
What's the Southern strategy, Jimmy?
The Southern strategy was instituted by Nixon after the Democrats, after they passed the civil rights legislation in the 60s that said black people should be able to sit at counters and have a lunch and sit in the front Of the bus, be treated like the rest of the human beings.
So that doesn't sit well with racists in the South.
They call it the Southern Strategy.
So now they run to try to get all the racists to vote Republican.
They use dog whistles.
You can't use the N-word anymore, but so they'll say urban and stuff like that.
So that's called the Southern strategy.
So they race bait and they get white, scaredy pants, white racists to vote Republican.
That's called the Southern Strategy.
And I'm not telling you anything that the Republicans haven't told us, right?
In fact, two out of the last three Republican National Committee chairmen have apologized for the Southern strategy.
Michael Steele and the guy before him, who I'll insert and post, or maybe I won't.
So I'll think of his name.
Michael Steele apologized for the Southern strategy.
Awkward for him.
He's a black guy.
And the guy before him, Ken Melman, gay.
Look at that.
Gay and blacks.
Two people that the Republicans always like to keep down turned out to be the chairman of their party.
Talk about trying to throw the dogs off the scent.
So the Southern strategy, that's what this is all about.
So this is what happens when you do that.
You get Trump.
Okay.
That's my whole point.
When you embed racism into your party, when you use it for your advantage, at some point it comes back to bite you in the ass.
The roosters are coming home to roost or the chickens.
All those sayings are happening now with the Republican Party and Donald Trump, and he's destroying the party.
Well, here's Chris Matthews' big brainiac idea and how Hillary can consolidate the country.
Are you ready for this?
This is liberal progressive MSNBC.
And maybe this is just me talking, but I do think if you could ever find a way to put a ticket together that would actually end some of this mission, to use a Yiddish word that's been going on in this country, it might be a Clinton Kasich ticket, something really surprising, because I do think there's going to be.
What?
So he just after two Barack Obama landslides, Chris Matthews' idea to bring the country back together is for the Democrat to then choose a Republican who's polling at 8% with his own goddamn party.
He would be the ideal Democratic vice president.
So in case Hillary couldn't fulfill her duties, then we'd have Kasich as president, a heartbeat away.
That's who we want.
A Republican.
There's supposed to be a difference between the parties.
We're not supposed to have one party in America, Chris.
That doesn't make everything better.
Oh, look at their getting along.
It's okay if they don't get along.
They're not supposed to get along.
They're supposed to come fight it out.
A battle of ideas.
But they're supposed to do it honestly.
Okay.
That's the difference.
And that's where you come in, Chris.
You call them out when they're being dishonest.
That's what you're supposed to do, but you don't do it.
You say stupid shit like this, that the Democrats should pick a Republican as a vice president, you maniac.
Do you see?
Did you know that John Kasich said he will support whoever is the Republican nominee?
Did you see that part?
These maniacs all support these maniacs.
Okay, he's got more to say.
Yes, Chris, let me just say this.
So what Chris is saying, the only way to end this mess in the country is to make it more of a mess.
You know, more of the people who deny science, the guys, the party who's been denying science.
They've been using the Southern strategy.
There's some Republican governors suppressing the vote across the country in broad daylight.
This is, and we got to have more of them, Chris said.
Maybe the Democrats should adopt those guys.
He's got more to say.
Many, many tens of millions of Republicans who will not vote for Donald Trump at a general election.
Yeah, so bad for the Republicans.
Bad for them.
Good for the Democrats.
Now, the Democrats get to win.
But even when, again, we've said this before, when Republicans win an election, everybody says they have a mandate.
They get to implement their ideas.
Whenever Democrats win elections, they go, it's time for the Democrats to reach out and find compromise.
And here he is, before there's even a lot.
Hey, the Republicans are going to get their ass kicked if they nominate Trump because even Republicans won't vote for him.
So maybe we should know, maybe the Democrats should nominate a Republican to be nice.
What kind of a maniac is this guy?
And he has a goddamn TV show.
He gets paid.
You know how much money he makes?
$5 million a year from MSNBC alone.
You know how much money that is?
That's $20,000 a week that he gets paid to say stupid shit like this.
Yeah.
I bet it's more than $20,000.
I'm not a math surgeon.
Somebody in the comments, you do the math surgeon on that.
My phone has a math surgeon button.
You know what he used the term Mishigash?
How do you, I don't even know what he says.
And he says the Mishigash that's going on in this country.
That's what he says.
Right.
And he says it's a Yiddish term, but he still won't pick Bernie Sanders as the.
How ironic he uses a Yiddish term when he's talking about a fascist surgeon update here.
It's actually $96,000 a week.
$96,000 a week.
Divided $5 million by 52.
And that's $96,000 a week equals $5 million.
You know, he's not working 52 weeks a year.
That's true.
That's $95,000.
Hank just did the math on that.
He gets paid almost $100,000 a week to do this stuff.
$100,000 a week.
And his big idea is: hey, you know, the Republicans don't like their nominees.
So maybe the Democrats should nominate someone Republicans like.
Are you.
And then the thing is, he's not embarrassed, and he won't be embarrassed.
Brian Williams isn't going to laugh at him.
They're not going to laugh at him in the hallway.
Rachel Maddow's not going to snicker at him.
Tom Brokaw is not going to come on morning blowjob tomorrow and say, hey, did you hear what Chris Matthews said?
I mean, I've said, I talk about excess journalism.
I bring a frame picture of me and Nancy Reagan hugging around with me to news shows, but this guy says the Democrats should nominate a Republican governor.
I mean, I've heard some.
He's got more to say, by the way.
So here we go back to Chris because he does think there's going to be.
Many, many tens of millions of Republicans who will not vote for Donald Trump in a general election, looking for an alternative.
If Hillary Clinton were smart, she'd make herself the alternative by putting Kasich on the ticket.
Yes, if Hillary Clinton was smart, she would run as a Republican.
And by the way, if Hillary wanted horrible advice, she could always turn into your show.
How crazy is the Republican Party when John Kasich is considered a moderate?
Okay, he's got, I'd be sure he has more to say.
No, that was it.
Maybe this is just me.
Yeah, I think it is just you that Hillary should not.
Who does he think he's appealing by saying things like that?
Who are you appealing to to say that?
The Democrats are like, yeah, maybe he should nominate a Republican, especially with how fucking batch it crazy the Republican Party is.
They won't even have a vote on a nominee for the Supreme Court.
They deny science.
They deny medical care to people.
They want to rip up Obamacare.
They let Donald Trump chase Barack Obama around as a racist, asking for his long-form birth certificate.
Are you out of your mind?
They want to carpet bomb people.
They say they brag about it.
This is that.
We got a bad.
Come on.
They're going to lose the election.
Have a Republican be your vice president.
They're going to lose because all this crazy stuff that they've been doing for the last 30 or 40 years is finally coming to fruition in a candidate like Trump.
And instead of letting that play out, if Hillary Clinton was really smart, holy shit.
In an era when the country is she's running against a guy who starts off his speeches by it sounds like you're ready for a revolution and the place goes crazy.
30,000 people sold out crowds from coast to coast.
He just creamed her ass in Utah, Idaho, Colorado, Minnesota, Vermont, and it's going to keep going.
Oklahoma, Kansas, 12 states.
Yeah, maybe you put the guy in the ticket who can't even win in his own party's primary.
How is that?
That's the kind of that's the big thinking.
I don't understand how Jeb Bush name didn't make it.
He would have really brought the country.
Then we could have Clinton and a Bush on the same goddamn ticket.
Wouldn't that be fantastic, Chris Matthews?
That'd be like a wet dream for you.
Oh, establishment squared.
My dream came true.
On the phone, we have Vince Vaughan.
It's our favorite Hollywood conservative.
How are you doing, Vince?
Hey, you know what?
I'm doing great.
I'm doing fantastic.
Thank you for asking.
That's very nice of you.
But I would like to point out that I'm not a hot.
You call me a Hollywood conservative.
I don't live in Hollywood.
You know that, right?
I live in Chicago.
Well, I think you have multiple residences.
In fact, I know that.
Yeah, but yeah, primary, I'm a true American.
I don't live there.
My main residence is Chicago.
I don't want to be there when, you know, I don't want to live in that cesspool when all this shit hits the fan.
Oh, you mean California when we run out of water and the earthquakes, the toxic gas leaks?
Is that what you mean, cesspool?
No, stupid.
When the Mexicans finally get completely out of hand, I don't want any part of that when that goes on.
Absolutely.
It's a kicky time, Bob, over there.
Trump was right.
They're all criminals.
What?
Most of them that are coming.
I'm serious.
They're all coming over there.
They're getting in drunk driving accidents and raping people.
Don't get me wrong.
We got a lot.
You know, we've got a lot of Mexicans in Chicago, too.
But the difference is Chicago is cold.
That's not their natural climate.
So they're a lot more, they're a lot more docile.
Well, okay.
Well, listen, you just mentioned Trump.
Vince, are you a Trump supporter?
I mean, I know you're a conservative, but Trump's not really conservative.
Are you a supporter of his?
Absolutely.
Of course, I am, baby.
What?
Trump all the way.
Trump all the way.
Are you kidding me?
He's the only hope.
Obi-Wan, you're our only hope.
That's Donald Trump, you're our only hope.
It's that thing.
Little robot showed an image of him.
I don't.
He's a winner.
What can he say?
I like to think of myself as a winner.
Why won't I want to see that reflected in the commander-in-chief, the president of my country?
He goes out there and says things.
Yeah, but the things he's saying is actually stirring up racism, xenophobia, and violence.
Yeah, whatever.
You know what he's saying?
He's saying things.
That's what's important.
Who cares if he's right, technically?
Who goes out there and says shit, doesn't give a shit about what people think of him.
Come on.
I'm sick.
Quite frankly, I'm tired of this eight years of this professorial, you know, nerd going up, talking in measured ways.
Who needs it?
That's not what we need.
Yeah, but Trump is doing things that are against the country.
He wants to do things that aren't.
Yeah, people, yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
Who cares?
People are like, oh, he's saying he's, you know, what he's saying that he could do, the Constitution prohibits.
So what?
Oh, so it's impossible.
What Trump is saying is so impossible.
Yeah.
When did we stop being a nation of dreamers, Jimmy Door?
No.
When do we start listening to the naysayers?
No, no, no.
Would we have put a man on the moon, several men over?
We say that all the time.
What man on the moon?
It was several men over a period of several years, by the way.
Yeah, would we have done that if we had listened to these negative Nancy?
It's impossible to close off our borders to Muslims.
To those people, I say, look at the Empire State Building.
Look at the Golden Gate Bridge.
What is Amazon.com Prime reviving the tick.
What does that happen?
It can't be done.
Oh, so you're saying, you know, Muslim.
Okay.
All right.
Well, in that case, then I think you'd be a supporter of Ted Cruz because he actually proposed monitoring and patrolling Muslim neighborhoods after the Brussels attack.
He proposed monitoring and patrolling Muslim neighborhoods.
Okay, well, yeah, granted, that's an interesting point.
I should say that I'm not a supporter of Ted Cruz.
You know, to me, he looks like a children's cereal box character.
I don't particularly want to see that on television.
Plus, he's from that, you know, dick and pussy police wing of the Republicans that I don't particularly truck with who want to tell us what to do with our genitals.
Yeah, yeah.
Listen.
But that thing, the Muslim thing that he said, spot on.
Patrol the shit out of those people.
That's what I say.
Yeah, but do you not understand that that's not American to do to single out a religion and then ostracize it or oppress it or have it to have special scrutiny or to criminalize them?
It's kind of anti-American to do what you're saying, Vince.
Well, yeah, okay, you can say that.
What's anti-American of keeping America in existence?
Do you want this to be America or you want to be Belgium?
Look what happened in Belgium.
You want to be like Belgium, do you, Jimmy Dore?
I personally don't want to live in a pussy country like Belgium.
We see countries get blown up.
Vince, that is terrible.
Why would you say that?
Oh, come on.
Don't give me that.
Give me a break.
What's for Belgium?
What?
Nothing.
Even saying waffles.
That's hack.
That's a dumb joke.
What's from Belgium?
Belgium.
First of all, it's a country the size of Connecticut with two official languages.
Pick one, you fucking flip-floppers.
What?
What?
In World War I, who did Germany invade first?
Belgium, baby.
Why?
Because it was right there.
It was gay.
What?
What do you think?
No one gave a shit about it.
We're going to become Belgium if the Hillaries and the Bernie's have their way on Trump all the way.
Well, okay.
Well, listen.
Here's an interesting question for you, Vince.
If you had to vote in the Democratic primary, if you had to, who would you choose?
Oh, boy, that's a tough one.
Yeah, that really is, that's a thinker.
You know what?
If I had my brothers, I'd go with Jim Webb.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Well, you know what?
I like that guy.
Yeah.
I know.
Hey, to there, the debates look like an angry Scotch-Irish death robot.
Yeah.
Got to PTSD.
He'd fuck some shit up.
Yeah.
yeah.
Well, yeah, he'd be a bit a Democrat, but he was one of us.
He's an American.
Yeah, but he's not an option anymore.
You have to choose Bernie or Hillary.
I'd rather fucking die than make that decision.
I'd rather be dead.
Shoot me in the face and throw me in the river.
Hillary or Bernie?
Come on.
Okay, first of all, Hillary would be a great president if every man in this country wanted to feel like they're in trouble somehow and didn't know exactly why.
Like, if that's that's a feeling that you enjoy having, vote for Hillary.
I don't know if you've been married or not.
I am.
Yeah, I'm married.
Yeah, well, do you want to turn on CNN and be married then, too?
Watch the State of the Union.
Hi, did I forget?
What did I forget to do now?
They say something to her sister that she didn't like.
Jesus Christ.
So, yeah, no thank you to that.
And then you got this Bernie Sanders guy.
Well, fucking, I don't know.
I don't know if he's better Jerry, but he's one of them.
Uh-huh.
He wants to take all of my money, set it on fire, and sprinkle the ashes on Lennon's tomb.
Yeah, no fucking thank you.
Either of those two are Americans.
Go back to Belgium, pussies.
That's all I have to say to those two.
Vince, oh my God.
Vince, did you have you ever considered any of the other GOP candidates?
You know, not really.
I mean, it was pretty obvious it was going to be Trump for me all the way.
What's the announcement candidacy?
I mean, who else he got?
Ben Carson?
Yeah, boring as shit.
And also, may I add, if you had Cuba Cody Jr. play you in a TV movie, a made-for-TV movie, that should be a bigger scandal than if you murdered a child in the 70s.
Okay.
That's a disqualifying thing right there.
Never be able to take that seriously ever again.
Okay.
What about Kasich?
Kasich?
Kasich?
I don't even know how to say it.
Yeah.
Okay.
Guess what?
We're not a nation of farmers anymore.
Deal with it.
Those types of guys are, they don't get to be presidents anymore.
No.
Like, I hear that guy talking.
I'm like, yeah, if I were a farmer, I might like him.
Uh-huh.
What about watching the sunrise and eating a hearty breakfast?
That's nice.
That's not where we are anymore.
We're a nation of Trump's.
Trumps are going to get out of this.
What about Rubio?
Ruby?
Yeah.
No, I don't.
Yeah.
No, he looks like he'd lose our Navy in a dice game.
I don't want to deal with that guy.
I don't want.
What about Carl?
What about Carly Viorina?
Carly Feed?
Are you serious?
All right, let's put it this way.
Remember when you were 14 years old and you smoked a spliff with your friend in the garage?
Yeah.
And your friend had a little sister who looked like Ramona Quimby, age eight or whatever?
And she told on both of you to have not just the parents, but like other people that she thought would help get you in trouble.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, well, that little sister, she's all grown up now and she wants to be in charge of people.
So stay the fuck away.
Absolutely not her.
Who's left?
I don't even know who else is out there.
Well, there was a lot of Chris Christie was running, and that seems like a guy who would be right up your alley.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
It's just too much chubs.
Okay.
Can't deal with it.
I hear you.
Well, listen, Vince, I appreciate you checking in with us and letting us.
Hey, no problem.
Yeah, go ahead.
What's up?
No, I'm just what do you think about the violence at the Trump rallies?
Hey, well, hey, Jefferson, didn't he, Jeffrey Thomas Jefferson, say himself that the Tree of Liberty has to be watered with the blood of people who showed up to a building that other people don't like them?
Isn't that from the Constitution or some shit?
To paraphrase.
But you know what?
It's a little rough and tough.
Has been part of our republics since the very founding.
In the Revolution, did we tar and feather some motherfuckers?
Yeah, but doesn't it try to rule trying to raise our taxes, by the way?
But doesn't it bother you?
Just this Trump's basic demeanor is that of a immature bully from he's like 12 years old.
He calls people names.
And like, that's part of it.
It's like if you were doing an audience.
What part of that do you think I would not like?
I guess you're right.
Okay.
Well, listen, Vince, I appreciate you checking in.
We'll check in with you later again.
Thanks a lot, buddy.
All right.
I hope you don't get murdered by a Mexican in your sleep out there.
Hey, that's all the time we have on today's show.
There's a Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz called in.
We got a whole five-minute phone call with Ted Cruz, but we don't have time to get to it on today's show, but you can hear that.
Plus, a lot lot more crazy stuff going on.
You can hear that in this week's premium content.
And how do you get the premium content?
Well, you go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
You click on join premium.
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So that's, and, you know, we're getting ready to expand.
We're talking about it.
Things are happening.
Swing by our YouTube channel, youtube.com/slash the Jimmy Door show.
All right, that's it for this week.
Today's show was written by Mike McRae, Jim Earl, Robert Yasimura, Mark Van Landuet, Steph Zamarano, and Frank Conniff.
All the voices today perform by the one and the only, the inimitable, Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcray.com.
That's it for this week.
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