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May 30, 2015 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Academia and intellectualism have always stood in opposition to power.
This is not by design.
It occurs simply because the pursuit of knowledge is a process of reason and logic, while the pursuit of power quickly devolves into a specifically unreasonable process.
Not surprisingly, one of the consistent hallmarks of a totalitarian regime is an attack on intellectuals in universities.
Germany, Russia, Chile, Iran, and China all attacked, if not utterly purged, their intellectual communities.
This is one of the reasons tenure exists in universities so that teachers cannot be easily fired if there is a change in the winds of politics.
Now that you have that context, I can tell you that the other day I shit myself pretty good.
And not for pleasure this time.
Let's go to North Carolina, often called the saner of the Carolinas, which is sort of like saying Leopold was slightly less evil than Loeb.
In 2010, North Carolinians voted in a state legislature further to the right of their already right-wing General Assembly.
I guess because Jesus Constitution Benghazi, maybe?
Anywho, in his March New Yorker article, Jedediah Purdy, presumably his frontiersman name, describes a surprisingly new and disturbing political assault on the University of North Carolina system.
Governor Pat McCrory, the North Carolina Assembly, and a cabal of supposed think tanks have begun to move the UNC system as far to the right as they can.
Just as a side note, think tanks that are against critical thinking.
It's pretty fucking Orwellian, huh?
Which is why Orwell will no longer be taught at UNC.
Also, by the way, don't be fooled.
I don't read The New Yorker.
When I'm in the bathroom, I'm a Sudoku man all the way.
So far, the League of Ignorance has fired the president of the UNC system, closed down three of the most Bolshevik research centers there are, one on the environment, another on voter engagement, and a third called the Center on Work, Poverty, and Opportunity.
You know, the real common Eurofag places.
They've also managed to instill fear in every member of the UNC faculty and staff that doesn't believe the earth is 6,000 years old.
At the center of this are businessmen such as Art Pope, a discount store magnate, turned education thinker, John Allison of the Cato Institute, which by the way is named for the Philippine driver Cato on the Green Hornet TV show.
And Governor McCrory himself, whose most telling statement was that states should not subsidize gender studies and Swahili.
Their collective stated goals are terrifying, essentially squashing any critical thinking in higher education that might question the morality of capitalism.
Are you frightened yet?
If you're not, you need to go back to college and find out why you should be frightened.
Just don't go to UNC.
UNC.
UNC.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
the show for the kind of people It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you, T-Ball.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore!
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's show.
I am joined on the phone all the way from New York City and from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
You know him, you love him.
It's TV's Frank.
Frank Connif is here.
Hi, Frank.
Hello there.
Yay, good to hear your voice, buddy.
Also with me right next to me, you know him from the Rubin Report on Riot.org, it's Dave Rubin, ladies and gentlemen.
Hi, Dave.
Jimmy, it's good to be here.
How come the guy next to you gets second billing to the guy 3,000 miles away on the phone?
Because if I don't go to Frank first, I'll forget him because he's not in my, I don't see him.
I'd never forget you, Frank.
No, you know what I mean.
Sometimes I...
It's Robert Yasamura.
Hey, Robert, how are you?
Ohio.
Yay.
Also across the glass from me, you know, from the Miserable Liberal blog, it's our resident Latina Steph Zamarano.
Hi, Steph.
Hello, Jimmy.
I'm a Mexican.
Yes, you are.
Also with us, comedian Michael Schertzer.
Hi, Michael.
Hey, what's up, Jimmy?
Let's get to the jokes before we get to the jokes.
Hey, Memorial Day was this week.
That it was?
Memorial Day.
And you know, did you know that every Memorial Day, Ted Nuggets his pants and then wears them at half mast?
Did you know that?
I did not know that.
This is a true story.
These are true things.
Why?
Did you know the Entourage movie is opening soon, so we'll all need to put aside our differences and work together to survive this ordeal.
*laughter*
That's a fun shot.
Personally, I'm very invested in turtles are.
Poltergeist.
They're coming back, the new Poltergeist.
Did you know that Poltergeist is such a shitty retreat from the 80s that it's thinking of running for the GOP nomination for president?
I'd vote for it.
I'd vote for Poltergeist.
Nice, right?
Hey, did you hear that there's these men's rights groups that are boycotting the Mad Max film?
Did you hear about this?
Men rights groups?
This is really happening.
So there are men's rights groups that are boycotting the new Mad Max film, which according to Frank Conniff is the action film to end all action films.
But, you know, like the film stunts, the men's rights groups that are boycotting the Mad Max films are not a product of CGI.
Their really are that tiny.
Did you hear that President Obama wants to de-arm the police forces?
He wants to take away their military weapons and just wants them to go back to being regular police.
I say if we don't heavily arm our police, how will they ever be safe from unarmed black people in parked cars?
That's what I'm saying.
That's a dark.
Hey, did you hear about the Duggars from the TLC?
Sure.
The Duggars, right?
Do you know what happened with them?
They got the one kid.
They're all the big Christians.
They're anti-gay.
Turns out the Oldest kid is a molester, and their show's been canceled.
But Mike Huckabee is sticking by the molester because they're Christians.
That's right.
And Mike Huckabee has effectively outmaneuvered the other candidates, and he's totally sewn up the white male Christian molester vote.
Which is a swing vote in a couple keys.
It is a swing vote.
Certainly, West Virginia, right?
Definitely.
Is it a swing vote and that they like hang out around swing sets or what?
No, nice.
Hey, did you hear there's a new show coming out on TLC?
It's called John and Kate plus the Optimom have.
They have.
John and Kate plus the Octomon have teamed up for a new reality show called We're Bat Shit, but we're not that bad shit.
Did you see that Ann Coulter got the big interview with Fuse TV?
Fusion.
Fusion TV.
I say if Bruce Jenner can make the transition being a woman, why not Ann Coulter?
I got some flack for that joke today.
Oh, you did?
Oh, absolutely.
Oh, really?
What do people say?
Not a lot, but people said it was very offensive to transgenders.
Well, that's fair being compared to Anne Coulter.
Yeah, Coulter.
I totally understand it.
The thing about Ann Coulter is she's very controversial.
All right, what's coming up on today's show?
Rich Lowry of the National Review tells us, why isn't anybody angry about the 32 deaths in Baltimore?
That's right.
Plus, Chris Matthews.
One day he's afraid of ISIS.
The next day he wants to shit his pants about him.
We're going to talk about his view of ISIS.
Plus, we got phone calls today.
Phone calls today from Bill O'Reilly, drunk Bill O'Reilly, Luke Rustard, and Ted Cruz, plus a lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Dorsk.
*Bell rings*
Hey, this is Jimmy.
Who's this?
Hi, Jimmy.
This is Governor Mike Huckabee.
Oh, hey, Governor.
How are you doing?
I'm just gearing up my 2016 presidential bid.
Very exciting time for me and my family.
I would imagine, how are you going to differentiate yourself from the 248 other Republicans who have declared their candidacy?
Well, that's a good question.
A good question with a simple answer.
I'm going to put myself forward as a candidate who most accurately represents true American values.
Oh, yeah?
I think you're misjudging what most Americans' values are, quite frankly.
Well, let's start simple.
I truly believe in the constitutionally guaranteed rights of freedom of religion and freedom of speech.
Now, Jimmy, even a godless secular progressive such as yourself can't shake a sick of that.
I'm not falling for that.
And that's why I'm calling you, Jimmy.
Our First Amendment rights are under attack yet again.
Oh, what's up?
Some small-town bakery pulling a publicity stunt for more business again?
No, Jimmy.
I'm talking about TLC pulling 19 kids and counting from its airways.
How is that affecting free speech?
TLC isn't the government.
Jimmy, once again, some Hollywood type has decided they want to want nothing to do with wholesome Christian messages on our network.
The Duggars are a wholesome family, a shining beacon of Christian values.
And the left want nothing to do with that.
So they are stifling our values message.
Actually, Governor, TLC pulled the show because it was revealed that Josh Duggar used to be a child molester or is a child molester and quite possibly molested his own sisters.
Yes.
An unfortunate mistake 12 years ago.
But the liberal left with its staunch anti-sexual violence agenda is out on the warpath yet again.
First, Josh, whom I know personally, and know to be a good man.
And I'm 80 to 90% sure he doesn't molest children anymore.
Josh was forced to resign his post at the Family Research Council.
Unbelievable.
Can you believe that?
Yes, I actually.
And now their TV show might be canceled.
The persecution of Christians just never goes away.
We'll always be huddled together in the Coliseum, waiting for the lions.
Oh, boo-hoo, Governor.
You know what?
I think when you molest your sisters, you don't get to be on the board of the family anything.
And the TV show about a quote-unquote wholesome family that turns out to be a giant incest shack gets its plug-pulled.
Jimmy, he made a simple mistake.
He atoned for it.
God forgave him.
He should be in the past.
Heck, we've all made mistakes.
One time when I was 15 years old, I snuck out and stole my old man's Studebaker and managed to clip the side view mirror on an old hickory tree.
Boy, Bob was steamed.
And I got to switch it like nobody's business.
Trust me, teenage boys do crazy things.
Are you...
Are you literally comparing car damage to molesting a child?
Are you insane?
What's the big deal?
Actually, what I did was worse.
Josh Duggar didn't break his sister's arm off.
All that happened is those girls learned about sex a little younger than as usual.
I mean, don't you liberals believe in sex education for children?
Yeah, you're sick.
You bet I am.
Sick of the liberal agenda.
Let's look at what is truly unforgivable.
Gay people who love each other being able to get married.
What's wrong with that?
It will lead to child molestation.
What?
And not child molestation from a good Christian like Josh Duggar, but molestation from godless homosexuals.
What are you saying?
Incest and sexual assault, at the end of the day, are only as bad as the perpetrator.
I think I'm getting a migraine.
Let me explain.
Jimmy, you secular progressives have it all wrong.
You don't understand Christian morality.
People like you think acts are wrong.
Things that people do are wrong.
And that people are judged by the actions they make.
In truth, the reverse is true.
What do you mean?
People are good or bad.
If someone is like you, part of your class or race or tribe or religion, they're good people.
And if they do bad things, those are mistakes that God forgives.
But if someone is not like you, then their sins are worse.
And they need to be set on fire.
That is Christian morality.
I mean, what else would you expect from a tradition that was born literally of tribalism?
What makes the Duggars so great anyway?
Well, they're part of the quiverful movement.
What?
That's a hard word for me to say since I talk out of both sides of my mouth.
Literally.
quiverful.
A quiverful?
What is that?
Well, it's sort of a branch of evangelical Christianity that believe that women's purpose is to have as many children as possible.
So women are basically factories for babies.
Isn't that beautiful?
Me and my wife would have liked to have been part of that movement ourselves, but after the two giant bruiser baby boys that I forced my wife to give birth to, I just figured it'd be unfair to do any more damage to the poor bird.
Especially since we're religiously opposed to cesarean sexism.
What?
Well, anything named after Julius Caesar, who was a notable persecutor of Christians, is not okay in my book.
Governor Huckabee, Julius Caesar died in 44 BC.
BC stands for Before Christ.
Well, Jimmy, you have your opinions, and I have mine.
Reasonable people could disagree.
Also, I like the idea that Jimmy Doerr knew exactly the date of Julius Caesar's death off the top of his head.
So they're good people.
They're part of the clever full movement.
And I stand by them no matter what.
No matter what horrible crimes they commit, like molesting their own sisters.
You know what?
I appreciate you giving us this little insight into your brand of Christian morality.
It really, it actually explains a lot.
I hope it does.
I'm here to educate the populace as far as what my views are.
And what a wow.
Just a good old Christian country boy's market shall.
Well, church applied to himself.
Let's not do any Arkansas jokes.
Okay, that's Governor Mike Hakabe.
I got to be here.
Let's go.
Let's go.
You You Okay, so now everybody gave me grief a little bit.
I was hosting on the Young Turks and we were covering that shootout down in Texas between the Outlaws and the other and the Banditos.
And I even heard they got the head guy.
They got the Frito bandito, but I...
Ay, ay, ay, ay.
But you know who they did not catch?
Speedy Gonzalez did get away.
A little too fast.
He's very fast.
They don't.
Have they reached Jose and Menez for comment?
So I thought it was quaint and charming that these two biker gangs, A, still exist and they want to kill each other and then they do.
I thought it was funny.
And people were like, oh, why do you call the people in Baltimore thugs?
Well, I don't.
So that's why I felt it was okay for me to say that stuff.
Yeah.
But what were they pissed at you about?
What were people?
They were pissed that I was saying that these white bikers fighting each other were charming.
I found them charming.
Oh, because let them kill each other.
Yeah.
Got it, got it, I got it.
I'm like, there's really, they're really going to have a shootout with each other?
This is hilarious.
It's Texas.
My favorite thing about that was it was described as a rumble over turf.
Over turf.
Right.
Like, really?
Were the socialists involved?
It was surf and turf night.
That's right.
So I'm listening to Left, Right, and Center, which is that show.
It's really, it should be called Left, Right, Right, and Rider.
And so Rich Lowry is on there.
He's mine, by the way.
By the way, if you don't know who Rich Lowry is, he's the editor of the conservative opinion magazine, The National Review, and he's a favorite on the Sunday morning news shows.
You'll recognize him as the 47-year-old teenager with impacted teeth.
The National Review, by the way, is considered one of the pillars of conservative thought in the United States, and it has a long and venerable history from being against the civil rights movement to promoting the Vietnam War to being against ending segregation, supporting fascists like Franco, and calling Martin Luther King a communist.
Sure.
Jimmy, nobody's perfect.
That's right.
The National Review prides itself as a bastion of conservative intellectualism.
No matter what the status quo is, from the NSA surveillance to police brutality to racial profiling to fear-mongering immigrants, Rich Lowry is ready to put on his thinking cap to defend the indefensible.
Well, here's what he was saying.
I was listening to that show, Left, Right, and Right.
And I'm just going to play this for you all the way through.
It's about 60 seconds, and then we're going to come back and we're going to deconstruct it, okay?
Gang, and a very important thing happened when the shootout occurred, and it was correctly termed a shootout, not a riot, because they weren't rampaging through Waco.
They were just shooting one another.
Armed policemen came and put a stop to it immediately.
Shot four of the guys.
They arrested something like 170 of them.
The bail for a lot of them was set at a million dollars, and it stopped right away.
You know, in contrast, the mayor of Baltimore created a safe space for rioting.
And I think just one last point on this.
It is outrageous that we're not talking about how in the last 30 days, 39 people have been murdered in Baltimore.
And that doesn't figure.
It's not on anyone's radar screen.
It's not part of the media conversation because there's no political hay to be made out of it.
So those black lives, unfortunately, don't matter as much as they should in our media conversation.
Okay, so what Rich Lowry just did there was a host of straw men conflating things and again, scapegoating.
So what he's saying, what he's trying to say.
Oh, and by the way, false outrage.
And false outrage.
So what he's trying to say is that people don't really care about black people being killed by the police.
People don't really care.
They only make hay out of it so they can get on TV and make political points out of it.
And that nobody really cares because, look, they just killed all those black kids in Baltimore and nobody's complaining about it.
As if A, those are the same thing.
Right?
And B, he's saying that the proof that nobody cares about it is that none of the white media covered it.
The corporate white media isn't covering it.
So that's proof that black people in their own communities don't care about murder and crime in their own communities.
Because I guess, so that's what he's saying.
I want to ask Rich Lowry.
It's good that he's pointing the finger at the other media for not caring about the black lives because I just saw that front page on the National Review of the 32 black killings.
That's not no.
Every other issue of National Review is about black on black violence.
When will it stop?
So let's go back and let's.
Go ahead.
Excuse me.
I was going to say that, you know, the 39 murders that have happened in Baltimore, I mean, murders are an awful thing.
And they happen, and they probably all should be covered more.
But he's, like you said, he's doing a straw man.
He's complaining because all Of the outrage over police violence has been about unarmed black people being shot by police.
The George Zimmerman outrage was not even that maybe shot Trayvon Martin as much as he wasn't arrested for it at first.
Right.
These are institutional frustrations.
They're not.
There are all kinds of other elements that have led to these protests besides just the fact that someone is being murdered.
By the way, he also said that what a great job that the police did in Texas, right?
Because they stopped the shooting.
But then he says the police in Baltimore didn't do a good job because they gave the protesters a safe space.
But he doesn't seem to understand the distinction between one was a shootout.
The cops had to come in and stop a shootout.
And in the other case, the cops had to manage protesters.
Right.
So what is he saying?
The cops should have run in there and shot all the protesters?
What's he saying?
I guess that's what he's saying.
He's also making the point that the killings in Texas were much more civilized than the other kids.
Yeah, he made a distinction.
He's like, they were rampaging.
They were just shooting around.
Well, let's break it down.
What do you say?
Well, they all, most of them still pay their checks.
I sincerely doubt that.
So let's break it down.
Here he goes.
There's a vast number of guns in this country.
Private gun ownership's gone way, way up, and violent crime has gone down for mostly in some poorly policed inner city areas.
And the idea, you know, some people are saying, look, we called the, some people called the Baltimore rioters' thugs, and they're not calling the biker gangs members of the banker gangsta.
The bank, did you hear that Freudian slip?
Members of the banker gang.
Yes, they're the real outlaws in this country, Rich.
And yet there's no extreme negative connotation for them.
Isn't that weird?
I thought he said the baker gangs.
No, he said banker.
Well, he's making cakes.
Yeah, the gay bakers.
Members of the banker gangsta.
Well, that's because there's already extreme negative connotation to being a member of a biker gang, especially an outlaw biker gang.
And a very important thing happened when the shootout occurred.
And it was correctly termed a shootout, not a riot, because they weren't rampaging through Laco.
They were just shooting one another.
They were just shooting one another.
That's a big deal.
He talked about it like basketball.
Yeah, like a couple of guys after, you know, after just playing two-on-two.
No problem.
What do you want?
A riot or a shootout?
Yeah, just blowing off a little steam.
That's all.
It's what known as happy hour at the Olive Guard.
No big deal.
Here we go.
Armed policemen came and put a stop to it immediately.
Shot four of the guys.
They arrested something like 170 of them.
The bail for a lot of them was set at a million dollars, and it stopped right away.
You know, in contrast, the mayor of Baltimore created a safe space for rioting.
And I think it just...
He's comparing a shootout to a protest with some violence.
Yeah.
That is to, yeah.
So he's saying, so what the pro what he's saying, literally what he's saying or implying is that the police in Baltimore should have showed up and started shooting them and calmed that thing down right away.
They shouldn't have had a safe space.
They should have certainly shouldn't have had a safe space.
Because he's complimenting the police in Texas.
They showed up.
They killed four of them right away.
They got the thing under control.
In Baltimore, they gave them a safe space.
I mean, they didn't stop and start shooting.
Well, you know what?
Except those people weren't doing anything illegal.
They were protesting, which is the most American thing you could do.
So in Texas, the police arrived armed.
He makes a point of saying that.
Obviously, they're not armed in Baltimore.
They're having all these riots for nothing.
No, they throw the bullets at the unarmed black.
Yes.
That's how they do it.
Well, he's got a little more to say.
And so the mayor of Baltimore created a safe space for rioting, according to Rich Lowry.
And people like Rich Lowry create safe spaces for police to harass, extort, and murder American citizens without consequences.
So I guess it's kind of tit for tat there.
One last point on this.
It is outrageous that we're not talking about how in the last 30 days.
First of all, and you know what?
Let me back it up and say, you know, he said it was just a shootout and armed police put a stop to it.
It was just a shootout and armed police put a stop.
Too bad armed police don't put a stop to armed police killing citizens.
All right, I just wanted to say that.
Okay, here we go.
I think just one last point on this is outrageous.
You didn't make the first point.
What are you talking about?
One last point.
One last point.
You've never made a point before this.
He hasn't made a point yet.
No, you're correct.
And that doesn't figure.
It's not on anyone's radar screen.
It's not part of the media conversation because there's no political hay to be made out of it.
So those black lives, unfortunately, don't matter as much as they should in our media conversation.
So to Rich Lowry's thinking, because corporate media gives less airtime to urban poverty crimes than it does to Rich Lowry, that means nobody cares about gun violence.
I'm guessing the people of Baltimore are concerned about those murders, Rich.
I mean, that is the craziest thing I've ever heard.
As a matter of fact, that was the guy who was confronting Geraldo Rivera was specifically saying, you people are never here.
You show up when we're in the middle of a riot, which is completely justified.
You paint us this way.
Right.
And as soon as this is over, you're going to be gone and we're going to be right back where we started.
Who's the urban, the urban violence correspondent for the National Review?
I guess.
Yeah.
Hi, this is Jimmy.
Jimmy Door.
It's Bill O'Reilly.
Listen, I heard you liberal pansies laughing up over the revelations that I was violent with my bitch whore of an ex-wife.
Like my lawyer said in a press release.
All allegations against me in these circumstances are 100% false.
I'm going to respect the court-mandated confidentiality put in place to protect my children and will not comment any further.
Bill, you can't tell us any more about it.
Don't you want to defend yourself?
Did you not hear me?
All allegations against me in these circumstances are 100% false.
I'm going to respect the court-mandated confidentiality put in place to protect my children.
And I will not comment any further.
And that's it.
You're not going to comment on the report that you...
The court, Jimmy.
The court won't let you deny beating your wife in front of your daughter.
Nope.
Core confidentiality.
Things are the fucking greatest, aren't they?
What?
I get to look like I'm doing something honorable for my kids when I'm really using them to hide my pension for domestic abuse.
God, you're a piece of shit.
A very rich and popular piece of shit.
You know, Bill, this is the one thing you are getting away with that really stumps me.
Night after night, you have screamed on TV that the institution of holy matrimony will be harmed and families destabilized if gay people gain the same rights as straight people.
And here you are getting divorced.
A divorced Catholic fighting for the sanctity of marriage, Bill?
Yes, but I'm not divorced.
I'm getting an annulment from a guy at the Catholic Church that I gave a bunch of money to.
You know, charitable donation kind of thing for charity.
An annulment?
What is that the Catholic word for divorce?
No, Jimbo, an annulment.
I'm getting an annulment for my marriage.
I'm having it annulled.
He's in my wife is such a huge whore that even Jesus agrees.
And so the church says we were never really married in the eyes of God.
You were married for 15 years, Bill.
You've got two kids from it.
And now you get to say it never really happened.
Yep.
It's the rules of the church.
They're fucking great.
Okay.
Hail married.
We're done here, Bill.
You keep hiding behind the court or the church.
And it's all to cover your dirty, piss-poor character.
Yeah, but I'm very rich.
Very, very rich.
So I'm still treated like a saint and get to present at the Kennedy Center and go on the view and answer questions as an expert.
It's like nobody cares.
Bye, Bill.
Nobody cares, Jimmy.
Ah, shit.
What happened?
We fucking made probably the wrong food.
Venezuela, you're supposed to be a rotisserie chicken.
You brought me fried.
That's it.
I'm coming after you with everything I fucking got.
That's Bill O'Reilly ladies.
Oh, God.
Yes.
Hope you're enjoying today's show.
Are you enjoying today's show?
I want to let you know, June 13th.
That's a Saturday, June 13th, 8 p.m.
I'm headlining the improv right there in Hollywood, the world famous.
There's a link for discounted tickets at jimmydoorcomedy.com.
There's going to be lots of funny people on that show.
So go to jimmydoorcomedy.com and get your tickets.
June 13th, 8 p.m. show, the world famous improv.
Okay, see you there.
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And now, back to the show.
This is Jimmy.
Repent sinner, for the Lord's wrath has come.
Who's this now?
It is I, Ted Cruz, your leader during these final days.
Oh, hey, Senator, how's it going?
Repent sinner for all your pro-gay thoughts and Prius driving and whatnot.
Where are you?
I am in Houston, Texas, the place the Lord has seen fit to begin the end time.
Oh, yeah.
So you guys have all that flooding.
What's everybody okay?
Jimmy, at least four people have died and 11 people are missing as of now.
And all because God is angry over gay marriage.
To a lesser extent, insurance covering birth control.
Senator, do you really think that's the way God works?
It's a fact, Jimmy.
The Lord creates disastrous weather events when he is displeased with public policy decisions about human sexuality.
Okay, so let's say for a second that's not insane, which it is.
But if it weren't, why would God target central Texas and Oklahoma, two Christian conservative strongholds?
Because our Lord loves irony, Jimmy.
Really?
You think the Lord would smite one of the modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah, like every place that isn't Texas and Oklahoma?
But that's where he pulls a twisty fake and smites the one place you wouldn't expect.
The Jesus-loving Oklahoma, Texas nation.
You're not a nation.
See, part of the mechanics of the joke is in the surprise.
I don't really see how that's ironic.
I don't really know what irony is.
Okay, yeah, I see.
I'm not like you comedy-type people with your saying things you don't really mean for humorous effect.
Yeah, you're not.
You're not?
What I want to chuckle, I listen to a prairie hunt companion or perhaps read some family circus.
Now, that, my friends, is a huge and a half.
Senator, isn't it more likely that the rain and tornadoes and flooding are just anomalous weather events?
Why, then, the world might be nothing more than a highly improbable totality of complex systems explainable only by science.
In which case, I would be a huge fucking idiot.
And I, sir, am not a totally insane fucking idiot.
Do you hear me?
I am not someone with a diagnosed personality disorder.
Okay.
I mean, my goodness, you might as well ask if this birthmark on my penis is just a random skin blemish.
We all know it is a spinning image of the Virgin Mary.
God wants me to only use my penis for good.
I really wish you hadn't said that.
My penis is a Virgin Mary birthmark, and as a child, peasants would gather around it to be healed.
I'd really like to get back to this flooding issue.
Who wouldn't?
Yeah, so I guess you wouldn't be even a little open to the idea that this might be a result of global warming.
Wow.
Is that crazy global warming meme still floating around?
For the last time, global warming is a myth.
Like unicorns with a female orgasm.
Let me get this straight.
Global warming, for which there is a massive amount of empirical evidence.
That's a total myth.
But the miracles of Jesus, which are not substantiated at all, that's just a stone-cold fact.
Well, when you put it that way, it just sounds stupid.
Yeah.
Enough with all your words and schooling and the like.
The end times have come and we need FEMA money pronto.
Just so we're clear, Senator, you have voted against funding FEMA, even though your state is one of the top recipients of FEMA assistance.
Sure.
Eight of your congressmen and two Oklahoma congressmen voted against the Hurricane Sandy relief bill.
You bet.
You, Senator Cornyn, and both Oklahoma senators voted against Sandy relief.
Where are you going with this one, Jimmy?
Well, Why should anyone give you federal assistance now?
Look, Jimmy, we have spent a lot of money getting ready for the federal invasion of Texas by the Obama Nazis, okay?
So we're stretched a little thin here.
We really need some federal help.
Did you hear what you just said?
Absolutely not.
And look, it's entirely possible Obama caused all this weather with his being black or whatever.
So it's only fair you should give us a huge black grant that we distribute to some of our white Christian citizens, okay?
You know, Senator, I don't even know where to begin.
I must go now, Jimmy.
A woman with diabetes is coming over to be healed by my penis.
Okay, sure, fine.
Okay, whatever.
Don't forget Ted Cruz 2016.
It's something that could totally happen.
All right, Ted Cruz, ladies and gentlemen.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
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You have a Macintosh computer that needs fixing.
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You send him an email at MacHelp at SeanJames.com and you spell Sean S-H-A-U-N.
So when people ask about, hey, what's wrong with Baltimore?
And why don't those, you know, they have the same opportunities everybody else.
Well, we've mentioned on this show many times about how the deck is stacked differently for different people.
Like Bill O'Reilly, he came from a working class background.
He was able to get his parents were able to get a loan from the government to buy a house in a subsidized development called Levittown.
Blacks were not allowed to buy there.
They were not allowed to get loans.
They weren't allowed to move up in society.
They weren't allowed to get a leg up like other people were.
And then when they did get a leg up, like we talked about the Black Wall Street, the whites would riot and burn down the black neighborhoods, right?
So whenever they did get going and get their own community and their own economy going, the whites would ride and burn down the blacks.
So, and then, of course, we had Jim Crow.
And of course, we've had, you know, they weren't even allowed to vote until it's last generation.
So all those things go into it.
And I was reading the newspaper that the Maryland governor rejected $11.6 million in additional funding for Baltimore schools.
The governor rejected that $11.6 million in addition funding from Baltimore schools, but approved $30 million for a new youth jail.
Wow.
And that's it right there.
That's it.
That's it.
So this is what we're doing in America.
This is what we're doing.
They put $30 million into a new youth jail and vetoed the $11 million that was earmarked to go to schools in Baltimore.
The fact that there's something called a youth jail should be chilling to everybody.
Yes, well, these were youth that were being charged as adults, and they were putting them in with the adults, and that's against the Constitution, I guess.
So they had to find, they had to build up a new prison for kids.
Are there like money at all?
But no money for schools.
So I don't see how this could, what could go wrong with this system.
What could possibly go wrong?
So to Rich Lowry, you know, when he has his faux outrage and faux concern for, so this is, so when he talks about, so the implication also from Rich Lowry is that these people are animals.
Yeah.
You know, these people are killing.
There's something wrong with them.
They killed each other in Chicago.
They're killing each other in Baltimore.
I saw Sean Hannity do a whole thing about it this tonight on the news about, you know, look, this has to do with racism.
These people just kill each other, right?
So this is just one example of what's wrong with America.
You know, when Hurricane Katrina hit, I was listening to a news show on the radio, and I don't know who the people were who were, I can't remember, but I remember this fact that someone said that the other states and other municipalities wanted to help them, but they didn't have anything to send except tanks and MRAPs and body armor and rocket grenades.
That's what they had to send.
They didn't have anything to send them except stuff to go kill people with.
You know, I also remember during Katrina that remember when they were showing all the looting and 90% of what you would see was black people looting.
Right.
And if on its face, that looks bad.
It's somehow some condemnation of the black community.
Except what they failed to explain was that it was because white people were able to get out of the city before.
You know what I mean?
They didn't live in the parts that were the most destroyed and destroyed.
So they were able to get out.
And then, of course, that's just what you end up seeing on television.
Can you say one thing that there's a subtle thing that Lowry is suggesting here when he makes reference to the people who've been murdered in Baltimore since the riots?
And what he's suggesting in the context of all of that is that that's why the police force needs to be forceful.
You understand what I'm saying?
Like he's saying like, well, this place is a war zone.
Of course, our cops need to cross the line sometime.
So here's what, remember we did at Rick Steves America.
We had him on our show last week or two weeks ago.
Sure, yeah, he's great.
Rick Steves, so he traveled to Baltimore, and we made him sound like he was kind of out of touch and he didn't really understand.
But here's what Rick Steves has to say about Baltimore.
Rick Steve's a travel guy in PBS.
He says, when you've traveled the third world, the violence that erupted in Baltimore should come as no surprise.
It's the symptom of hopelessness.
When people feel the system is rigged and they are victims of structural poverty in a world of obscene wealth, they don't navigate life by the rules others would expect of them.
They attack symbols of authority.
They burn corporate icons.
They support demagogues.
They believe wild promises.
They join ISIS.
Wow.
Wow.
That's Rick Steves.
No.
Here's what Sean Hannity says about Baltimore.
I got to be honest.
I don't know what the answer to this question is.
I don't know why it happened.
I know this.
I don't know why the kid ran.
What is the mindset of someone?
They see a cop and they got to run.
Maybe his record had something to do with it.
What happened between the time he ran and the time he got in that truck and the time he had some medical care?
We don't know what happened.
It's suspicious, but I'm not rushing the judgment.
And his record I mentioned earlier, it has nothing to do with, you know, what happened in this case.
I assume that it's probably connected to why he ran and his relationship with police at the time.
I mean, it's pretty extensive.
You know, there's a simple solution in terms of for other people going forward is don't be involved in the sale of drugs.
Don't think police are your enemies and don't run at 8:30 in the morning When you see a cop, and certainly that is part of that plays into this equation.
So that's Sean Hannity's solution.
Why do you run it?
He couldn't have a shallower understanding of anything.
Maybe the kid had encountered those cops before Sean, and they beaten the crap out of him.
So when he saw them, he knew he better get the hell out of there because they were going to cost him, which is exactly what they did.
And then they costed him so much, they killed him.
So maybe that's why they run when they see a cop.
Spending an awful lot of time talking about the dead person.
You know what I mean?
I'm talking about their record.
Yeah.
I mean, that's what.
By the way, well, when Sean Hannity pictures the streets, he pictures like his gated community.
Like he pictures like Elm Street.
I've seen a picture of Sean Hannity's house, and it's a mansion on the bay in Long Island.
The average per capita income in Baltimore is $22,000.
Oh, my God.
Hannity's net worth is $60 million.
Oh, my God.
He must really be a good person because he has all that money.
I'm reading this article in this plane called Reverb Press, and they say some pretty funny things about John Hannity.
They said he's never likely had to call the super to take care of an overflowing toilet and rat infestations in his sprawling mansion on the North Shore of Long Island.
And since he's curiously employed with $60 million in his name, he probably has no problem stocking up at the pantry without the necessity of snap.
The land that Sean Hannity occupies is as much fantasy as the content of his shows.
Plus, he just calls a rat infestation family, anyways.
Yes.
Where in the North American?
He pays Alan Combs, a retainer, to come over to his house and lose argument.
This article is great the way they sum it up.
Some people view the world as an interconnected system of human beings and try to understand with dignity and respect how real lives are affected by real world issues.
Some people look for easy answers, scapegoat, and apply broad assumptions to pockets of civilization.
Not people per se, but populations, centers of good behavior, and centers of bad behavior.
And therein lies the difference between Rick Steves and Sean Hannity.
So that's pretty good.
Indeed.
Indeed.
Joining us on the phone right now is MSNBC correspondent.
It's Luke Russert.
Both sides do it, Jimmy.
Both sides do it.
Both sides do it.
Wow, you're coming right out of the gate with that stuff, aren't you?
Jimmy, you always make fun of me for saying both sides do it, but I'm not going to apologize for saying both sides do it because it's true.
Both sides do do it.
Luke, I got to hand it to you.
It sure sounds like you have the courage of your false equivalency.
Damn straight, bra.
I'm proud of being aware that both sides do it.
I remember my first both sides do it revelation.
When was that?
It was the moment I realized that, okay, George Bush invaded Iraq under false pretenses, killing thousands of innocent people.
But on the other side of the coin, Obama had a beer with Henry Lewis Gates.
So it's all the same.
You know what, Luke?
I'm actually going to agree with you that both sides do it.
Really?
Wow.
Awesome sauce.
Like, for instance, the Clinton Foundation has been accused of getting millions of dollars from shadowy donors under mysterious circumstances, right?
But George W. Bush also had a foundation that raised a half a billion dollars for his presidential library, and nobody knows who the donors are or where the money came from.
So it's like you said, both sides do it.
Actually, no, it doesn't work that way, Jimmy.
Not when Hillary is involved.
Sure, it does.
And here's another example.
Hillary erased a lot of her work emails and kept them hidden from the public, right?
Believe it.
In the NBC, we were all over that Hillary email story.
I'll bet you anything that our coverage of it went to Oscar for best TV news.
Luke, they don't give Oscars for anyway.
My original point was that Hillary has missing emails as Secretary of State, but so did Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice.
And as governor of Florida, Jeb Bush deleted millions of emails.
So once again, you're right, Luke.
Both sides do it.
Okay, Jimmy, why are you trying to mess with my head?
I'm not.
Jimmy, you know as well as I do, that the both sides stupid thing does not apply to Hillary Clinton.
Her scandals are way worse than everyone else's.
Compared to Whitewater and Benghazi, Watergate was nothing but a third-rate burglary.
Luke, you're saying exactly what the Nixon administration said about Watergates.
Oh, really?
Oh, cool.
It's good to know that if I had been around back in the 50s during the Watergate era, I would have been just as good at repeating GOP talking points then as I am now.
Luke, you and the mainstream media treat Hillary to a different set of rules.
You criticize her for doing the same things that you never criticize the Republicans for.
Jimmy, why are you being such a dick?
You're not mean.
Stop picking on me.
I hate you.
I hate you.
You're not my real father.
Luke, you're a little distraught.
I'm going to end the interview right here, okay?
GP denial of climate science could end the world.
And here you are ending this interview.
They're both the same thing.
Don't sign it, Jimmy.
Luke Russer, thanks for joining us.
Kiss my ass or suck my dick, Jimmy.
Either way, both sides do it.
Yeah, let's trust it.
Thank you.
*music*
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So I'm watching Chris Hardball the other day on the MSNBC, the MSN.
MS stands for Microsoft.
The NBC stands for Corporate Suckles.
And Chris Matthews, he really is all over the board as he was with the Iraq war.
He was all big cheerleader for it, and then he said he wasn't, and then he was cheerleader for it again.
So he's that same thing with ISIS.
One day he's like, oh my God, we have to go attack them.
We have to go get him.
Another day he's like, what if we shouldn't be committing more?
He's doing it back and forth.
He's spitting the whole time.
The whole time he's spitting.
Everywhere.
And I got to tell you, though, whoever dyes his hair, I'm calling them that guy because he's doing a good job.
I don't know how you keep a guy's hair blonde when it goes gray, but he's doing it, right?
Sure.
That's got to be a tough feeling.
Bill Right.
Chemically, that can't be easy.
Bill Dwyer couldn't do it.
He had to go great.
Jimmy, this is the radio, so I don't know if you know it, but lately I've decided to let myself go gray.
I thought you died at Gray.
No, lately, it's just letting the natural grayness come through.
Oh, okay.
Totally new thing for me.
So one day he claims to be against more war.
The next day he's screaming and pooping his pants about ISIS.
Some days he does both.
So here he is comparing.
Listen to who he compares ISIS to right here.
Richard, who's the Red Army in this in 1942-43 terms?
Who's the army pushing hardest against the bad guys here?
Against then the Nazis, now ISIS.
So he just, I'll play for you again.
He's asking them who is pushing against ISIS in the same way we were pushing against the Nazis.
This is what he's asking.
Who's the Red Army in this in 1942-43 terms?
Who's the army?
So the Red Army being Russia.
Pushing hardest against the bad guys here.
Against then the Nazis, now ISIS.
Who's the one they might be afraid of?
So he's saying that ISIS are the new Nazis.
It's like him asking about a movie reboot.
It's like him going, who's going to play the new Batman?
Who's going to play the?
Who's going to play Stalin in this one?
Who's playing Joker?
Yeah, so...
What's the answer?
Well, just so you know, Dave, there are exactly zero parallels between the German invasion of Europe and ISIL's insurgents in Iraq and Syria.
Why is that?
But for Chris Matthews, there needs to be a parallel because he has no capacity to understand a war that is not like the movies he's watched growing up.
And no, he doesn't understand World War II really at all, so much as he understands how cool William Holden was.
Okay.
And this is, by the way, this is part of a broader American stupidity, Dave, in which World War II was 100% black and white and not the truth, which is all war is filled with difficult moral hazards and nuances and issues.
But of course, Americans want to believe war is an exercise in absolute morality the same way ISIL does.
See?
Sounds good.
Thank you.
Yeah.
So who are the...
They were our greatest generation.
They are our greatest generation.
So Chris Hardball asks, who are the Russians in this scenario, Dave?
What is this?
A game of risk, you fucking child?
Haven't you been covering stories from the Middle East for the last two decades, Chris?
And in any of those stories, was anybody the good guy?
This is the reason why Chris Matthews makes such good television.
It's the same reason no one should ever watch him again.
And that it's because he's a hyperactive child in a grown man's body.
He is trying to understand the world in two-dimensional terms at the top of his lungs.
And for some reason, MSNBC doesn't think it's criminally dangerous to let people get their news from Dennis the Menace on cocaine.
Chris Matthews treats the truth like Josh Duger treats his sister.
He molests the truth and then apologizes afterwards.
Well, I want to know what the answer was.
What do we think the answer could have been there?
Well, he says there is.
He says, the guy says it's different every day.
It's different people.
Sometimes it's us.
Sometimes it's the same.
Sometimes it's the guys we arm.
Sometimes it's the guy that borrowed the arms from them.
Some guys it's the guys that stole it from them.
And the guys that they sold it to.
You see, literally, I saw a story yesterday that ISIS was riding our tanks.
Yes.
The tanks that we gave the Iraq army that they literally gave up.
Yes.
Gave up the city of Vermati.
And now ISIS is driving our tanks across Syria, across Iraq.
Think how absolutely bonkers are.
Yeah, but you know what?
the laughs on them because they got the shitty airbag.
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Okay.
So thanks very much.
And we'll see everybody June 13th.
That's a Saturday.
That's an 8 p.m. show over at the Improv on Melrose right there in Hollywood.
All right.
It's going to be a lot of funny people there.
There's a link for discount tickets over at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
That's right.
Discounted tickets.
Okay.
Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Mike McRae, Frank Conniff, Mark Van Landuitt, Steph Samurano, Michael Schertzer, and Robert Yasimura.
All the voices today performed by the one and the only of the inimitable, Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcrae.com.
Our announcer at the top of the show, Ron Lynch.
All right, that's it for this week.
Until next week, this is Jimmy Door saying you be the best you can be, and I'll keep being me.
You're going sane.
Same in an insane world.
Insane world.
Just when you thought, you thought you lost your mind.
Lost your mind.
I'm here to tell ya.
to tell ya that you're right on time And if they say it's right, but it feels wrong.
Then you finally figured out That you don't belong You're going sane.
Same in an insane world.
Insane world.
Just when you thought, you thought you're not able to call to call.
I'm here to tell ya.
To tell ya, you're our only home Cause if they say it's good, but it feels bad.
then you probably started now on your own path And if they say it's love, but it breaks your heart.
Then you know you've got to do something and you know just where to start.
If they say it's love, but it breaks your heart.
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