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March 28, 2015 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Two quick things before we get to today's show.
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program: The Jimmy Door Show.
Ted Cruz, the Tea Party's favorite Canadian citizen, is running for President of the United States.
He announced last Tuesday, which is going to be the day comedians now refer to as Christmas.
Senator Cruz made his announcement through the traditional method, Twitter.
Yes, he said, I'm running for president and I hope to earn your support, end quote.
The tweet received zero favorites and only got one retreat from Kim Jong-un.
Nothing says president like declaring your candidacy on social media sites that only allows up to 140 characters.
Am I right?
What was the problem?
He couldn't find a DMZ cameraman?
Was there nobody shooting a vertical video in the immediate vicinity?
Senator Cruz later cemented his intentions to run for the highest office in the nation by giving a lackluster speech at a Christian safety school, Liberty University.
And in the true spirit of liberty, student attendance at his speech was mandatory.
You know, they really are doing a service to those kids at Liberty University by teaching them all about the tenets of liberty, like mandatory attendance to political sideshows and religious events.
Yes, you have the freedom to do exactly as we tell you.
You know, I can't figure out if launching his presidential campaign at Jerry Faldwell's Liberty University is Ted Cruz's way of saying he will get those gays and feminists who caused 9-11, or if launching his campaign in a city named Lynchburg was part of his outreach to African Americans.
Oh, okay.
And this is going to be a tough campaign for Ted.
He's got a lot of obstacles to overcome.
Let's remember, he's a deranged sociopath.
So he's going to have to figure out a way to distinguish himself from the other GOP candidates.
Plus, he'll have to explain all his crazy statements and contradictory actions, like terrorizing people at Obamacare who is going to ruin our country and then signing up for it himself.
Yes, Ted Cruz is signing up for Obamacare under the you can't make this up provision of the ACA.
I say, let's enjoy this while we can.
A bad s*** Republican announcing a presidential run is only going to happen about a dozen or so more times in the next few months.
Nice.
It's the Jimmy Door Show.
The show for people that are saved.
It's hard to talk to T-Day.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore, everybody.
Welcome to this week's show.
I am joined on the phone all the way from New York City and from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's TV's Frank, Frank Conniff.
Hi, Frank.
How are you?
Hello there.
Yay, good to hear your voice.
Also in the studio with me, hilarious comedian and the author of the blog, The Miserable Liberal.
It's our resident Latina, Steph Zamborano.
Hi, Steph.
How are you?
Jimmy, I'm doing okay.
Oh, okay.
And also across the glass, across the glass, is from The Young Turks.
It's Edwin Umanya.
Hi, Edwin.
How are you?
Doing a little better than okay.
Oh.
Oh, somebody passed a drug test.
Also, also next to him, hilarious comedian Michael Elliott Spitzer Schirtzer.
Hi, Michael.
How are you?
Hey, Jimmy, I'm doing really well.
Thanks.
Oh, can't wait to see your show at the comedy store.
All right, let's get to some jokes before we get to the jokes.
You know, we're negotiating with Iran over the Republicans.
They are upset that Barack Obama is negotiating with Iran over a nuclear deal.
And, you know, I don't know why we're even negotiating with Iran when we could be destroying lives and ruining our country with a war.
It makes no sense.
Boom.
You know, choosing diplomacy over war with Iran is just another example of Obama's reckless willingness to learn from the lessons of history.
Hey, Ted Cruz running for president.
He recently compared him.
Ted Cruz, running for president, recently signed up for Obamacare.
Yep.
And he recently compared himself to Galileo.
I see it.
Yeah, because as we all know, Galileo opposed the Inquisition care and then signed up for it.
Ha ha!
Dang.
*laughs*
Hey, I don't know if you heard about Phil Robertson gave a crazy speech today where he said, well, you know what?
Let's not wait to the, let's just get right.
I'll play it for you.
Two guys break into an atheist's home.
He has a little atheist wife and two little atheist daughters.
Two guys break into his home and tie him up in a chair and gag him.
And then they take his two daughters in front of him and rape both of them and then shoot them.
And they take his wife and decapitate her head off in front of him.
And then they can look at him and say, and then they make them do a series of redundancies over and over again.
They decapitate her cutting her head off in cuts.
They take it right off.
They decapitated it and then cut it off.
This is the worst version of the aristocrats that I've heard.
Great without having to worry about being judged.
Isn't it great that there's nothing wrong with this?
There's no right or wrong.
Now is it, dude?
And then you take a sharp knife and take his manhood and hold it in front of him.
Say, wouldn't it be something if this was something wrong with this?
But you're the one that says there's no God.
There's no right.
There's no wrong.
So we're just having fun.
We're sick in the head.
Yes, he definitely sounds like he's got his together.
Definitely.
It's other people who are sick in the head.
I can't even listen anymore.
But you know, the ultimate test of a person's faith is believing in the existence of God Despite the existence of Phil Robertson.
You know, Disney, if you want to, that whole scenario that he did, if you want to look at it from a religious point of view, that that person who raped that person's family, if he asked for forgiveness from God, he would spend eternity in heaven.
That is correct.
That's correct.
Even though he raped that.
So that's where, you know, if you want to talk about right and wrong.
Yeah, his kind of theory kind of falls apart right there, I think.
And what people don't actually know.
So just people who don't actually know is that Phil Robertson is actually just describing what he does on a Friday night.
I thought Phil was taking up his stand-up routine on the road.
It's part of his new show, Dynasty.
Ah.
Okay, what's coming up on today's show?
Well, we're going to, Ted Cruz announced that he's running for president.
We're going to take a look at his stump speech, how it plays in front of a conservative crowd and how it plays in front of regular people.
Plus, what's going on?
The president of Afghanistan was in town, and I wonder what he was asking for.
We're going to take a look at that.
Deadline.com says there's too many blacks and Hispanics on television.
Plus, we got phone calls from Ted Cruz and B.B. Netanyahu and a lot more.
today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
Jimmy Dore Show.
Jimmy, Jimmy Dore, are you there?
Yeah, I'm here, buddy.
Well, empty your butter dish of tears, for it is I, Ted Cruz.
What does that even mean, butter dish, Ted?
I don't know what you're talking about.
I don't know.
All I know is I'm the most popular presidential candidate in the entire world.
Well, I think that's a little bit of a stretch.
I was a junior senator from Texas, where all good ideas come from.
But now I am the candidate for president of the United States of the apocalypse.
In my first hour of being elected president, I will abolish the EPA, the IRS, the MPAA, the USO, and the YMCA.
Why the YMCA?
That helps young men.
It's Christian.
As your president, I will put an end to abortion, Muslims, sodomy, street lights, women, fire hydrants, and pubic hair.
You know, I think pubic hair is already on its way out.
And rock and roll has got to go.
I don't think that's a good platform being against rock and roll.
Our great nation is going down the tubes because of civility and decency.
Who will save us from this malaise and send tolerance back to Satan's hell where it belongs?
Ted Cruz.
Tolerance isn't from Satan.
As you know, as you know, I come from the biggest state in America, Canada.
You can dare that my daddy first told me I was the most specialist, special person of specialness in Specialville.
You're very special.
Then the voices started talking to me.
I heed their words.
They guide me.
Baby Jesus talks to me.
I can't understand him because he's just a baby.
But I know when he says doo-goo-gaga, that means I am the chosen one.
When I want to crawl underneath the covers with my teddy bear, the voices from underneath my bed remind me that I was put on earth to defend this nation from homosexualists, atheists, abortionists, abolitionists, hippies, and Unitarian universalists.
I will prevent God's wrath for America turning their backs on the more unfortunate among us.
The Heavenly Father told me that poor people are icky.
Like Jesus, I will drive in the money changers.
I shall destroy the evil, unholy Nazi Obamacare that I just signed up for.
When my polling numbers top off at 8%, you know that I'm a candidate to fear.
If you don't vote for me, water will turn into burning flame.
Your parents will get cancer.
You'll never remember your computer passwords.
In your shoes, you'll find snails that will.
Oh, hold on, Jimmy.
Nurse Ratchet wants me to return to bed.
Teddy's waiting for me.
Good night, Jimmy.
Good night, phone.
Good night, Harvey.
Okay, good night, Ted.
Ted Cruz.
All right, that's Ted Cruz.
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Thank you.
So Ted Cruz is running.
Now, yes, we all know Ted.
We love Ted.
It's a great day on this show that Ted Cruz is running.
Friend of the show, as Robert would say.
Wait, wait.
Let's make something clear.
His real name is Rafael.
Is Rafael Ted?
No, not Rafael.
It's Rafael.
Rafael.
Yeah, that doesn't sound very Canadian.
It doesn't sound Canadian at all.
Well, we got to remind, but we got to remind the people that are going to vote for him.
That's what he really is.
Oh, yeah, it's not Ted.
It's Rafael.
Okay.
You're voicing for Hispanic.
In fact, he just came out saying that he should be deported.
Ah, he's self-deport.
Real Republican.
Yeah, he wants to see a real self-deport.
So here he is.
I'm going to play.
Here he is at CPAC just a couple of weeks ago.
And here he is giving his stump speech, right?
So this is what he really believes.
And this is what he's honed.
So I don't know if you know politicians, like a stand-up comedian will hone his 10 minutes or his politician will hone his stump speech, right?
So this is Ted, and this is his narrative.
This is his condensed version of his stump speech.
Sean Hannity at CPAC.
Sean Hannity and Ted Cruz on the same stage.
Boy, I got to tell you, there's a phony overload or something.
It's unbelievable.
All right.
So here I'm going to play.
Here's Ted Cruz doing his stump speech at the CPAC.
And just listen to how crazy the crowd goes.
Number one, repeal every.
So what he's doing.
Sean asked him, what are the five things you would do as president?
Number one, Repeal every blasted word of Obamacare.
Yes.
course.
There you go.
Number two, abolish the IRS.
Yes, yeah!
Take all 125,000 IRS agents and put them on our southern border.
All right, well, he's got a point there.
He does have a point.
Number three, stop the out-of-control regulators at the EPA in the alphabet soup of Washington.
Thank you.
First of all, I like how.
Let me play this back.
Take all 125,000 IRS agents and put them on our southern border.
Now, that's something.
First of all, listen to crowds going crazy, right?
He's killing.
Oh, yeah.
Now, that's something I can get behind, though, but those IRS.
First of all, it doesn't matter that he got the number wrong of IRS agents.
He's at 120,000.
It's more like 14,000.
That's all the IRS agents there are.
But whatever, 14,000, 120,000.
I want to be president.
But that's something I can get behind.
Let's take every pale, socially awkward accountant and auditor at the IRS and then strap an M15 to their backs and tell them to go get yourself some Mexicans.
Let's listen to the rest of his killer speech in front of a seat back crowd.
Number three, stop the out-of-control regulators at the EPA and the Alphabet Soup of Washington.
Oh, yeah.
Who needs clean water?
The EPA, by the way, which was started because the Cuyahoga River in Ohio caught on fire.
Rivers aren't supposed to be on fire.
And it wasn't the first time.
Anyway, so yeah, so rivers were catching up.
Before there was an EPA, rivers would catch on fire in the United States.
What do you put out a river when it catches on fire?
The fire trucks show up.
They're like, it's already in there.
Anyway, so here he goes.
He's got more to say.
Number four, defend our constitutional rights, all of them.
Yeah.
I like how he says, he doesn't specify.
Just all of that.
That's like when Sarah Palin said, I read everything.
What newspapers?
All of them.
I am unable to name the rights I will protect, but believe me, Scouts Honor, I'm going to protect all of them.
And number five, restore America's leadership in the world as a shining city on a hill.
Okay, and I know he might not know this because he's Canadian, but America's not a city.
Jimmy, I don't know how much of that tape you have, but a little bit after this, he starts pandering to the crowd.
Ah!
So the reason why I play this is I want to play, because I got a hold of a tape.
He gave a speech.
Oh, now I got to figure out where this is.
You know, he just seemed like any second he was just going to keep saying, and I want to get rid of Rhodes.
Yes!
I've had it.
I've had it.
We've oxygen.
Who needs health care at all?
So here he, because he gave a speech at the International Association of Firefighters Legislative Conference in Washington.
All right.
So he gave a speech at this.
This is Ted Cruz.
And I'm going to juxtapose him giving that same speech that you just heard him kill with at the CPAC, right?
Which let's remember, CPAC stands for conservative PAC.
And so I'm going to let's play him back to back.
So here he is giving his IRS up.
Let's abolish the IRS.
And then I'm going to play him giving that same line, that same punchline in front of regular people.
Here we go.
Here's him in front of CPAC.
Number two, abolish the IRS.
Wow.
Yeah, I mean, they're cheering like, you know, like we just beat the Nazis.
And uproarious applause.
Yeah.
So, and here's how he gave that same speech, same line to the firefighters.
Tell you what I think is the simplest and best tax reform.
We should abolish the IRS.
You actually hear someone's shutter lens.
Yeah, that's a camera.
Click, click, click, click.
You know what I feel?
I feel for.
I've been in those rooms.
I've been there.
I've tried to do, I've tried to do my act at an old folks' home.
All right, here we go.
Here he is where you're talking about the IRS put to send them to the border.
Listen to how it does in front of CPAC.
Call 125,000 IRS agents and put them on our southern border.
Yeah!
Thank you.
And here's how it sounds in front of regular people.
And I've joked before there right now 110,000 IRS agents.
We ought to padlock the IRS building and put those 110,000 agents all on our southern border.
*laughter*
The silence is deafening.
Absolute silence.
Isn't that amazing?
Right after that, he said, look, folks, you have to realize this is new material at work.
Because you had a good lead in CPAC, that's why.
He also said, there's something there.
He's like, come on, folks.
It's a good premise.
Here's when he talks about repealing Obamacare.
Remember how it went over at CPAC?
Number one, repeal every blasted word of Obamacare.
I mean, people are, they're cheering before he gets the sentence out.
They're so.
And look how long it is.
Boo healthcare.
Yay, let's get rid of it.
So here's what he said in front of firemen.
We need to repeal every word of Obamacare.
laughter laughter You know, Jimmy, right after that, Fireman thing, he was considering for his campaign smog.
And Ted Cruz, is this thing on?
His campaigns, he actually has a campaign song.
You know, you people have campaign songs, and his kong is sponsored by the game Cricket.
Oh, here's one more.
He didn't say this at CPAC, but he said it in front of the fireman.
So just enjoy the silence.
on tax reform we right now have more words in the irs code than there are in the bible Yeah.
That's tough, huh, Ted?
There's more words in our tax code.
They're in the, I mean, this is what, so that's called not knowing your room.
That's that's when you, and he doesn't, by the, by the way, he doesn't have a second gear to shift into.
Right.
That's it.
No fallback material.
There's no, he hasn't been working on his move to the center yet.
He hasn't learned how to talk to normal people.
So Ted Cruz, you know, we make, we joke that he's a maniac.
He is a true sociopath.
There's no doubt about it.
He's actually very smart.
I mean, it's all, you know.
Yes, he's an Ivy League educator.
He went to, I think, Princeton and Harvard, right?
He's everything that they hate about Obama.
Yeah, he's everything that they hate about Obama.
Right, exactly.
He went to Princeton and he went to Harvard.
And he's a foreigner.
And he was born in Canada, which nothing against Canada.
He loved Canada.
He's a one-term senator.
And he's a one-term senator.
Oh, my God.
You're right.
This is all the stuff they criticized Barack Obama for.
He's brown.
Well, he's...
So now here he is on CNN, and he's talking about.
Now, we mentioned this earlier in the show.
Ted Cruz, his wife worked for Goldman Sachs.
Sounds like a charitable organization.
Yes, and she's going to quit her job at Goldman Sachs to work on Ted's campaign.
I guess it's going to be too hard for her to be a banker and fly around and be on his arm because you can't run without a spouse, right?
You got to have your spouse with you, I guess.
So she's going to take a leave of absence at Goldman Sachs, and then so they lose their health care.
So he has to sign up for Obamacare.
So he went on CNN.
They asked him about this, and let's watch him dodge a couple questions.
So what's happening?
What's going to happen now with your wife?
So she's taking an unpaid leave of absence from her job.
And so we're transitioning.
We'll be getting new health.
So he relies.
First of all, he relies on his wife for health care.
It's just that's very unconservative, right?
I know it's not, if I felt that way, that would be sexist.
But I know.
Anyway, okay, here we go.
So she's taking an unpaid leave of absence from her job.
And so we're transitioning.
We'll be getting new health insurance.
And we'll presumably do it through my job in the Senate.
And so we'll be on the Federal Exchange like millions of others on the Federal Exchange.
So he kept saying federal exchange, but he wouldn't say the Affordable Care Act or we'll be using Obamacare.
He just kept saying the federal exchange.
I don't know.
Anybody want to say anything about that?
The Senate gets way better healthcare.
Democracy by semantics.
Yes, yes, exactly.
Say it again, Frank.
He's saved from hypocrisy by semantics.
Yeah, federal exchange.
So here we go on.
So you will be getting Obamacare effectively.
It is one of the good things about Obamacare is that the statute provided that members of Congress would be on the exchanges without subsidies, just like millions of Americans.
So there wouldn't be a double standard.
Okay, he's wrong about that, by the way.
He's wrong about that.
That's not true.
Again, another incorrect fact.
But kudos to Dana Bash.
She still, she does keep pushing him.
Senator, for right now, the irony is just kind of unbelievable that you have made your name fighting against Obamacare, and you now are going to sign up to get your insurance through that very process, Obamacare.
Listen, it was the case before Obamacare that federal employees could get health insurance through their jobs.
That's not a new development.
So yes, I'll get my insurance through my job like millions of other Americans.
That's not a shocking.
Will you take a subsidy from your job, which is the federal government?
We will follow the text of the law.
I strongly oppose the exemption that President Obama illegally put in place for members of Congress because Harry Reid and the Senate Democrats didn't want to be under the same rules as the American people.
That means you are going to take a government subsidy?
We should follow the text of the law.
The law that you want to repeal.
I mean, she's slapping him all over the camp.
She's doing what I've heard is journalism.
She's doing it.
Is that journalism?
She's doing it.
She's like, this is, and this, it's so easy to do to Ted Cruz.
And it's just like, why doesn't this happen more often?
And I guess they're not afraid of Ted Cruz not coming back on the show.
I guess he's such a big media whore that they know he'll come back on CNN.
So they go, go ahead, push back on Ted Cruz.
Let's listen to that little run again.
To be under the same rules as the American people.
That means you are going to take a government subsidy?
I believe we should follow the text of the law.
The law that you want to repeal.
Yes, no, I believe we should follow the text of every law, even laws I disagree with.
Yeah, okay.
So that was fun to watch.
It's different.
It's different from I Should Obey rules because he could just get insurance through Cobra or something.
Yes.
Yes, he could.
He's not obligated to take that insurance plan.
That insurance plan is available to him if he needs it.
But he wasn't taking it before with his wife, and there are other alternatives, so he doesn't have to take it now.
It also covers his children.
Are you on Obamacare, Frank?
I'm not.
For a little while longer, I'm on the Writers Guild until I disqualify.
Oh.
Today, Ted Cruz came out regarding this whole Obamacare thing.
Now he's having a Sarah Pilla moment saying that the mainstream media loves to play these gotcha games.
Yes.
Yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, what he's really doing is I think Ted Cruz is signing up for Obamacare so he can destroy it from the inside, right?
Like he's getting into the belly of the beast.
Like he's the alien popping out of Sigourney Weaver's stomach.
Well, you know, trying to destroy Obamacare is very stressful and it's affecting his health.
So he needs Obamacare to deal with it.
It's nice that he'll have a pretty nice healthcare plan to fall back on, right?
Yeah, he could injure Himself in the process.
Yeah.
So, okay, so that's that happened.
That was fun.
More Ted Cruz.
I'm going to go, I might go all to Ded Cruz on this episode.
I love him.
He did declare president, his candidacy for president.
He did declare.
So this is, this is almost too, this is almost too awesome for words.
And we are going to get to that Ted Cruz incredible pandering that's going to come up in the second half.
But right now, I want to say thanks to everybody who thinks about the Jimmy Door show when they buy something from Amazon.com.
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So let's get back to the second half right now.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hey, welcome back to the Jimmy Door show.
Got a lot coming up in the second half.
Benjamin Netanyahu's going to call in in a little bit.
I'm joined in the studio by Steph Zemorano from the Miserable Liberal blog and Comedy and Everything Else podcast.
Also, Elliot Spitzer, Michael Schurzer is here.
Edwin Umanya from the Young Turks on the phone from New York City.
You know him from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's TV's Frank.
Frank Connoff is with us.
And right now, let's get back to the studio where we're talking about Ted Cruz.
Ted Cruz.
Ted Cruz.
I see headlines reporting.
Here's Ted Cruz.
He's on the CBS morning show, and he's with that Gail Collins, who's Oprah's friend.
And also Nora Gail King, Oprah's friend.
She's on the CBS Morning Show.
Usually Charlie Rose is there, but he's not.
Maybe this isn't the morning show.
Ted Rose was busy.
He had to interrupt people someplace out.
Nora O'Donnell is also on the show.
And then there's a third fellow here who has a shaved head.
I don't know who he is, but he's in a suit.
And listen to the question they asked Ted Cruz.
They want to get to know him.
Because I see headlines where people say, who is Ted Cruz?
Who is Ted Cruz?
This is what I'd like to know.
I could tell you who he is.
He's a, I don't know, he's a right-wing maniac with a narcissistic personality disorder who just may be a sociopath, who's willing to sell out his country and lie to the people who turn to him for leadership, for self-aggrandizing and power.
That's who he is.
Let's see how if he can reveal himself to be even more of an insincere maniac.
What kind of music do you listen to?
You know, music is interesting.
I grew up listening to classic rock, and I'll tell you sort of an odd story.
My music tastes changed.
Now, when he says odd story, what he means by odd is a completely made-up, wholly unbelievable garbage that I'm using to pander to the dumbest mouth-breathing rednecks in the entire country, and it's going to work.
So here it comes.
That's what he means when he says it's kind of an odd story.
And by the way, when he, back when he was younger, he told everyone he hated classic rock, and then he went out and bought a lot of classic rock albums.
He grew up listening to mostly classic rock, Frank, which explains his close relationship with Satan.
Okay, here he goes.
My music tastes changed on 9-11.
His music changed taste.
And it's a very strange, I actually intellectually find this very curious, but on 9-11.
He finds it intellectually curious.
That's also what that means is he finds it interesting that he's allowed himself this much for free range to completely bullshit on national television.
That's what he means by, I find this intellectually curious.
I didn't like how rock music responded.
He didn't like how, I'll come, I'll back it up.
We'll give it a head running sign.
It changed on 9-11.
And it's a very strange, I actually intellectually find this very curious, but on 9-11, I didn't like how rock music responded.
And country music collectively, the way they responded, it resonated with me.
And I have to say, it just is a gut level, I had an emotional reaction that says, these are my people.
And so ever since 2001, I listened to country music, but I'm an odd country music fan because I didn't listen to it prior to 2000.
No, I hear you on country music.
And final sentence, final sentence.
You should be elected president because just.
Anyway, we'll just stop at that.
Well, this is kind of ironic.
You should be elected president.
Why?
One sentence.
And here he goes.
One sentence.
Because I'll tell the truth.
So Ted Cruz.
By the way, he didn't like how rock music responded to 9-11.
So he didn't care for the millions of dollars that rock musicians raised in the benefits that they did that was on all of those networks right after.
Frank, you know they were supporting terrorism.
Frank, you know, rock and roll was very pro-terrorism after 9-11.
Don't you remember?
Don't you remember what, with the white stripes with their album Seven Nation Caliphate?
Don't you remember that?
Puddle of Mud with their songs, Sharia is for Mia.
Don't you guys remember that?
Who was the last outside of that for me?
I don't remember.
Yeah.
I mean, who knew that all the terrorists responsible for 9-11 were huge Blink 182 fans?
I did not know that.
Oh, and also, I don't know if you remember the song Up on the Roof of the Building That I Hope Terrorists Destroy.
I got it.
But I see where he's coming from because nothing makes you want to shake up your iTunes library like the death of 3,000 people in a most devastating terrorist attack this nation has ever seen.
I'm like, boy, I got to get some new tunes in my library.
That's right.
It would have made more sense if he got into Prague rock because 9-11 is the time signature of most of those songs.
Wow.
That is an obscure joke.
That is an obscure joke.
But Frank, I think it does make sense that he switched his musical tastes after 9-10.
He switched his musical tastes.
It's like changing your favorite color.
You know, before 9-11, I used to like purple, but Ever since, just red, white, and blue.
That's all I like.
Isn't that weird?
I know my dad used to tell me how after Pearl Harbor, he started hating jazz.
Oh, oh, Frank, Frank, after the Gulf of Tonkin, my dad stopped, he swore off the ukulele.
Heck, you know, the day Tim McVeigh blew up the federal building, I knew I was done with 80s funk.
He didn't like how rock music responded because rock music, a genre that encompasses hundreds of thousands of bands from countries all over the world, speaks uniformly as one singular body.
And we remember that, you know, rock and rolls representative Bono after 9-11 said, well, that's just one another way to remodel a building.
That's what he said.
This is this is.
I wonder what he thought about the Dixie Chicks.
Yeah.
Yeah, remember that they said how ironic, right?
So was there, it was, you know, it was mostly rock and roll was doing a lot of things in support of the, you know, anti-terrorism.
And the Dixie chicks were out there kind of anyway.
Everybody knows about Axel of Evil Rose.
That's right.
What's weird is that he didn't listen to country music before 9-11.
Isn't that weird?
He didn't listen to country music before 9-11.
And it just took all it took was the destruction of three New York buildings and a wing of the Pentagon for Ted Cruz to figure out he likes Willie Nelson.
Yeah, you know what?
As he watched the Twin Towers collapse, his first thought was, hey, you know what?
Buck Owens is actually a really great guitar player.
Did all those people really have to die for Ted Cruz to figure out that he likes Tim McGraw?
You know, I bet if a nuke ever goes off, he's going to switch to rap.
I have a feeling.
And let's, Frank, let's take a moment and appreciate the hardcore level of pandering that Ted Cruz just did there.
He is trying to appeal not only to nationalistic southerners who love hearing God bless America on their radio, but he's actually trying to simultaneously squeeze out any lingering moisture left in that bloody rag of despair that Rudy Giuliani has been swinging for the last 13 years.
And he also likes how country musicians like the guy who wrote that I'm proud to be an American song didn't lift a finger to go fight in Iraq.
Right.
Because he said that they could have signed up to go fight in Iraq and they stayed home and sang their jingoistic song and lived lives of comfort.
And that to Ted Cruz was the proper response.
David Cross used to, I saw him one time do a joke, the comedian David Cross talked to, that was Lee Greenwood, right, who did that song.
I think so, yeah.
There was a lyric in there where he said, and I would proudly stand up and defend her honor or something like that.
And he's like, well, go ahead.
Now's your chance.
Go ahead, sign up.
You're not doing it, though, are you?
So I thought that, of course, those guys are all nothing.
You know what?
I did actually start to listen to country after 9-11, too.
And you know what?
It was the Dixie Ticks.
Oh, okay.
It really was.
I have a lot more in common with Ted Cruz than I'd like to admit to.
So, and I know you can't see it because this is a radio and a podcast, but while Ted Cruz is saying this stuff about country music, the other three people, including Gail King and Nora O'Donnell, they're shaking their heads in agreement with him.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, they're nodding.
They're nodding like, yeah, I get it.
Country music.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They're not.
They're all nodding.
It's insanity.
It's on.
And this is why people, they go, why do people watch news on YouTube?
This is why.
Because there's three people sitting there pretending that Ted Cruz changed his musical taste after a terrorist attack.
And they're looking at him with the same look that you give like a six-year-old who's telling you about their favorite pretend dinosaurs.
Yeah.
You know, they're like, yeah, totally.
That's great.
Uh-huh.
And Jimmy, you noticed about me is that right after 9-11, the only comedian that I thought was funny anymore was Larry the Cable guy.
Yeah.
Bang.
I didn't like the way comedy responded to 9-11.
So I kind of started going with uncomedy.
Now I only follow Jeff Dunham.
Jeff Dunham was the only comedian who had the courage to insert racism into his pod.
After 9-11.
Yeah.
That's right.
After 9-11.
That's what made him famous.
The terrorist.
Was Ahmed the Terrorist then.
Oh.
And it's still going strong.
Makes him money.
And after 9-11, I stopped listening to comedy.
I went 100% Carlos Mencia.
Boom.
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Ha, ha, ha, ha!
So they had the election in Israel for, and Benjamin Netanyahu went really hard right.
He said a lot of horrible stuff before the election.
He race baited.
He warned Jews that the Arabs were voting in big numbers, that the leftists were bringing in buses of Arabs to vote.
So it was, there's a lot of Israelis who are Arab.
Over a million people are Israeli citizens who are Arabs.
So it was really horrible.
And, well, ever since then, he's been trying to backpedal.
Like, here he is backpedaling.
I know.
By the way, here's what he said about some people are getting, people are getting on him about doing all that race baiting and saying there wouldn't be a two-state solution when he, as long as he is the prime minister, which is reversing what he said in 2009.
Everyone knows that the solution is a two-state solution, except Benjamin Netanyahu revealed he doesn't really want one.
And so now people are getting on him because he said that in order to win the election, because what he wanted to do was take votes from the hard-right party because he was going to lose.
There was a moderate party that they were going to win.
So his Likud party, which is he went even harder right.
And here's what he said.
Here's a BBC newsreader reading a statement that Benjamin Netanyahu put out.
I know what I said a few days ago.
It damaged Israel's Arabs.
Let me take it from the top.
I know what I said a few days ago.
It damaged Israel's Arabs.
I had no intention of it.
I'm sorry for that.
First of all, it just sounds funny to hear.
I'm sorry for that.
That's exactly how he said it.
That's exactly how he said it.
I look, I'm sorry.
I know what I said a few days ago.
Is that from the Valley Girl analysis?
This is from the BBC.
I know what I said a few days ago.
It damaged Israel's Arabs.
I had no intention of it.
I'm sorry for that.
I'm sorry for that.
My actions as prime minister, including the investment in minority sectors, proves the opposite.
Yes, I'm sorry.
I didn't know that saying all that horrible racist stuff was going to be recorded.
And so here, here he is backpedaling even more.
Mr. Netanyahu has also tried to clarify what exactly he meant when he said there would never be a Palestinian state on his watch.
Remarks, which he now says were misunderstood.
Yes, what he really meant when he said never was he meant that he was using it as a gerund, which means the opposite.
Was this his way of saying, elect me, you racist?
Yes.
You know, Donald Sterling came out and said what he said was insensitive.
Oh, Donald Sterling.
You got to know who that is.
But the White House, this is the first time the White House not letting B.B. Netanyahu off the hook.
This is the chief of staff of Barack Obama's chief of staff, Dennis McDonough.
And here's what he had to say.
He was giving a street at a talk at J Street, which is a Jewish organization here in America that is less right-wing than to say to say the least of the Likud Party.
So here we go.
That's why the Prime Minister's comments on the eve of the election, in which he first intimated and then made very clear in response to a follow-up question that a Palestinian state will not be established while he is prime minister were so very troubling.
So he's not letting him off the hook.
So the White House chief of staff not letting him, he's not going to let him walk this back.
He's like, no, you said it.
We all heard it.
And so we're holding your feet to the fire.
Here he goes more.
We cannot simply pretend that these comments were never made.
So there you go.
That's in front of J Street.
And then he gets, then he gets really real.
An occupation that has lasted more for almost 50 years must end.
and the Palestinian people.
And the Palestinian people must have the right to live in and govern themselves in their own sovereign state.
So that's those cheering people are Jews here in the United States.
Yeah.
They're more alone than the Democratic Party.
So yes, so there's lots of, so again, when we say we criticize Benjamin Netanyahu, we're not criticizing Israel, right?
We're criticizing Benjamin Netanyahu's policies, which is the Likud Party's policies, which a lot of Israelis and a lot of Jews in America are opposed to.
Go ahead, Frank.
According to that, the one dark-haired sexy woman on Fox News, I forget her name, but she's on that show outnumbered.
And according to her, because Obama criticized Netanyahu, that means he's anti-Semitic.
But if they criticize Barack Obama, that doesn't mean they're anti-American.
No, no.
No.
In fact, they even said they like Benjamin Netanyahu more than they like everybody more than Barack Obama.
They like Putin.
They like the leader of Russia, leader of Israel.
They're like all the different leaders, except their own.
But they love America.
They really do love America.
And the biggest thing I took away from that speech that the chief of staff, Dennis McDonough, gave to J Street was that I had no idea who the White House chief of staff was.
And he's been the chief of staff since 2013.
Yeah, when Ron Emmanuel decided to illegally run for mayor of Chicago.
Dennis McDonough.
I never even, I had no idea who this guy was.
We have on the line newly re-elected prime minister of Israel, Benjamin Netanyahu.
Please, Jimmy, call me Bibi.
Okay, Bibi.
I was in your adorable little country the other week, and you never called me.
Well, some people said that you accepting John Boehner and the Republicans' invitation was a slap in the face to the president.
I meant no disrespect to your president.
What's his name?
The black guy who lives into Romney.
You mean President Obama?
Yeah, did you see my speech?
Yeah, I did.
What did you think?
I thought you used the U.S. Congress to stage a massive political advertisement for the Likud Party.
Great people, huh?
Ready to go, huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Good work, didn't it?
Bibi, you really went a little nuts, didn't you, though?
I mean, you split your country against itself like that just to keep power.
I don't know what you mean, Jimmy.
I campaigned hard, yes.
You campaigned hard?
Yes.
You said you opposed a two-state solution, the centerpiece of every negotiation and the linchpin of a peaceful settlement.
I never said no to a two-state solution.
You said there would never be two states under your administration.
I never said never.
Yes, you said never.
But what I meant was maybe sometime we could have two states.
That's what I meant.
When certain conditions are met.
Like what conditions?
Very simple condition.
The Palestinians must announce some of us.
Uh-huh.
Recognize Israel's right to exist.
Okay.
Observe Purim.
What?
And move to Egypt.
BB.
I have not changed my position.
And I have not changed my position on Iran.
What's your position on Iran?
You invade Iran.
Oh, okay.
I got it.
You invade Iran, destabilizing the region, thus removing an existential threat to Israel.
What could go wrong?
Things could go wrong, Bibi.
What to go wrong?
Lots of things.
Lots.
Really, what did go wrong?
Iran is an existential threat to the Likud party.
You've got lots of existential threats.
Seriously, I've got existential threats up the ass.
My ass is under constant attack.
What did you think of the 47 Republicans who signed that letter trying to sabotage nuclear negotiations with Iran?
It's nothing serious.
It's like a prank phone call.
Hello, Ayatollah.
Ayatollah once, Ayatollah twice.
How many times, Ayatollah?
I see, I see.
I like the Marx Brothers.
I see.
Hello, is your nuclear program running?
It is?
Well, you better prepare to die like dogs because we're going to bomb you no matter what.
And you demonized Israel Arabs and invited your country when you warned that Israeli Arabs are voting and leftists were bringing them to the polls in buses.
No, it doesn't get much more divisive than that, Bibi.
I know the things I said a few days ago hurt some citizens in Israel.
The Israeli Arab citizens.
It was not my intention, and I'm sorry.
Does that sound believable?
No, it doesn't.
What was your actual intention?
Can't this get through your Iron Dome?
It's to scare the s*** out of right-wing Jews by stalking their fears and hatred of the Arabs.
It's not a mistake that I said Arabs and buses in the same sentence.
I sincerely apologize if that hurts some filthy Arabs.
I mean, Israeli Arabs.
Not my intention.
Not my intention.
Well, Bibi, you've really done it this time.
Now even the president doesn't feel a need to kowtow to you anymore and is publicly criticizing you and...
And what?
He's not going to back Israel anymore?
Don't be naive.
Don't be naive.
I'm not being naive, but I guess maybe I was.
I guess you're right, actually.
The president's going to back Israel no matter what.
I'm more than right, Jimmy.
I'm far right.
I'm so right I'm wrong.
All right, Bibi, I'm going to let you go, buddy.
But, you know, I'm super sorry about everything.
And as always, I look forward to bombing women and children in the homes and territories we illegally occupy.
Okay, thanks, Bibi.
Okay, Benjamin.
Bye-bye.
Okay, that was Bibi.
You know what?
Hey, Hollywood.
I know you're grappling with the idea of diversity, and maybe one day television and film will reflect society, a.k.a.
brown people.
But in the meantime, did you know March 31st will mark Cesar Chavez Day?
The day is commemorated to promote service to the community and learning in public schools in honor of Cesar Chavez's life and work.
Some state government offices, community colleges, and libraries are closed.
Is there a better way to commemorate this man's service to farm workers than closing down a library?
Many public schools are also closed.
Not my district.
I guess we had to choose between Cesar Chavez Day or Armenian Genocide.
And the genocide won.
Just in case you didn't know, Cesar Chavez led the historic nonviolent movement for farm workers'rights and dedicated himself to building a movement of poor working people that extended beyond the fields and into cities and towns across the nation.
He inspired farm workers and millions of people who never worked on a farm to commit themselves to social, economic, and civil rights activism.
Good thing we don't have to worry about that stuff anymore.
Right now in the United States and south of our border, people are still struggling to survive and provide for their families as farm workers.
In Baja California, labor leaders say that growers haven't given raises in years, refuse to pay overtime, and government-required benefits, and allow crew bosses to sexually harass female workers.
Baja California labor leaders are asking agribusinesses to triple wages.
Now, about $10 per day.
And comply with all labor laws.
I always thought fruits and vegetables were good for a person's health.
Just not good for the person who's picking the food.
How do you like them apples?
Sour.
Sour apples.
So guess what?
That's today's show.
We're finished.
I got a couple of things I'd like to say.
You know, when I messed up and dropped the podcast, I mean, I dropped a premium episode as a regular podcast.
Turned out it was a good thing.
A lot of people heard it, and they were like, oh my gosh, I've been missing out on all the fun.
And they joined.
So that turns out, see, sometimes a mistake is a good thing.
So also want to say thanks for putting up with the bleeps today.
I don't know what happened, but we lost today's file on the podcast, and that's all I had left was the bleeped version.
So my apologies on that.
And big thanks to everybody who's going, hey, how do I become a premium member?
jimmy by the way well you go over to jimmydoorcomedy.com you click on join premium it's five dollars a month it gets you access to all the great stuff and if you pay all at once if you pay up front we'll give you a month for free so instead of sixty dollars for the whole year it's fifty five dollars for the whole year isn't that that's a sweet little benefit we'd like to give the people who pay all at once okay so do that thanks everybody who is a premium member it's a great way to help support the show also use our amazon link and this week if you fill out that survey on the front of jimmydoorcomedy.com
that's another great way to help support the show that doesn't cost you anything see all right so today's show was written that's right it was written by mike mcrae frank coniff michael schertzer robert yasimura and mark van landuitt all the voices today perform by the one and only the inimitable mike mcrae who can be found at mikemcray.com and if your computer you've got a macintosh do you need to get fixed my friend sean james fixes my computer right over the internet you don't even have to be near him i'm
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