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March 21, 2015 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Before we start this show, I have a personal request to my listeners.
We're trying to find out exactly who you are and what you're like.
So, if you could take 15 seconds and fill out a six-question survey for me as a favor to me, I would really appreciate it.
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It's just that easy.
And if you do that, it would be a big help to the show so we know who our listeners are and our show can grow and get to the next level.
Okay, so thanks, everybody.
I'm asking you as a favor to me.
Go to jimmydoorcomedy.com and click on listener survey, answer six quick questions, and that's all you have to do.
Now, let's get to the show.
Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program, the Jimmy Door Show.
So, the CEO of Starbucks made news this week by encouraging his employees to engage people in conversation about race, which is weird because I've been asking the NAACP to encourage its employees to engage people in discussions about coffee.
laughter laughter laughter Hey, let's face it, stories like Ferguson and Eric Garner show us that we still have a lot of work to do and that fixing our race problems is ongoing, huge, and an extremely difficult job.
And I have to agree with the Starbucks CEO and say it's time to hand that job to an underpaid, part-time fast food worker being exploited by a multi-billion dollar international corporation.
Hey, we've tried to address our racial problems here in the United States, but they still persist.
And we've tried everything from repealing the Voting Rights Act to demanding the first black president produce his long-form birth certificate.
And yes, we're demonizing immigrants from brown countries as we speak.
We've tried to fix this.
And sure, the Starbucks worker might actually care more about the fact that he's not paid a livable wage because our corporate culture has taken good paying jobs and turned them into shitty pay jobs and shipped them to even more desperate poor people or in even poorer countries.
He might also want to talk about how after 35 years of trickle-down supply-side economics and tax cuts for the rich, that half of all wage earners in the richest economy in the world earn less than $30,000 a year.
But he'll have to stuff all that until he can figure out this race thing because that's job one.
You know, I don't know.
I'm all for real tale workers addressing social issues.
And I've been to a Starbucks and I've seen a lot of the good work that gets done during a coffee transaction.
But solving systemic institutionalized race problems seems like it might require a bit more time than available in a Starbucks situation.
That kind of work falls more in the bartender hairstylist realm.
You know, somebody who's got time and erudition necessary to go in depth with you.
Race relations is the kind of work better left to fantastic Sams and TGI Friday's employees.
But I do hope baristas do fix this rape problem soon, and then we can move on to other social problems that frontline food workers can tackle.
I'd like to suggest that the folks over at El Polo Local start a conversation about the dangers of stigmatizing mental illness.
I'd like Hooters employees to start a conversation about slut shaming.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It's the Jimmy Door Show.
The show for...
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you, K Value.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's show.
You guys got a bonus show this week because I screwed up and dropped a premium like a regular podcast.
So enjoy that.
So now you know all the fun we're having over at the premium episodes.
Hey, let's get who's on the show with me across the table from me, hilarious comedian and African-American man.
It's Ted Lyde.
Hi, Ted.
How are you?
Greetings, greetings.
Happy to be here.
Nice to be with you.
Traditional black greeting.
Now, I point that out so I can do all the black jokes on the show, just like Howard Stern.
Now, next to him is Robert Yasimura, Japanese man.
How are you?
Ohio?
Ohio.
Nice.
I point that out.
And we're on the way to Santa Barbara.
We say, oh, hi.
Now, I point that out so we can do all the Japanese jokes, just like when that show that has a Japanese guy on it.
And across the glass from me, hilarious comedian, the star of young Frankenstein the musical.
Wow.
She stole the show as Frau Blücher.
It's our resident Hispanic.
It's Steph Samurano.
Hi, Steph.
How are you?
Oh, Jimmy.
I'm doing great.
Oh, great.
Now, Steph, you know, I mentioned that you're Hispanic, so I can do all those Hispanic jokes.
You sure can.
Aye, yay.
Okay, see?
Also on the phone, hilarious white guy, Irishman.
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
It's TV's Frank from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's TV's Frank Frank Connoff.
Hi, Frank.
How are you?
Hello there.
Yes.
Now, Frank, I mentioned that you're Irish, so I can do all those Irish jokes.
Oh, okay.
Yes, I am quite Irish.
You know, remember how Johnny Carson used to have Ed McMahon there so he can do all the drunk jokes?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Hey-o.
If I'm driving to Santa Barbara, oh, hey.
Nice.
Ah!
Wow.
Also with us today is Elliot Spitzer, Michael Schertzer.
Hey, Michael, how are you?
Hey, what's up, Jimmy?
And also from TYT, The Young Turks, it's Edwin Umanya.
Hi, Edwin.
How are you?
I am doing good.
All right, let's get to the jokes before we get to the jokes.
Hey, did you hear about this Robert Durst thing that's all over the news?
That billionaire guys.
The cops, first of all, being at HBO is a real career boost.
I mean, I mean, he couldn't get arrested before Jinx aired on HBO.
And now look at him.
It's true.
And by the way, to the cops who arrested him before the Jinx finale aired, thanks for the spoiler warning.
Good joke.
Hey, a lot of commotion happening at the fashion police.
Right?
So, yeah, that was it, Kelly Osborne quit first, and then they replaced her with Kathy Griffin.
And Kathy Griffin just quit because she didn't want to show kind of lowered the standards of comedy.
And it's so sad that the fashion police isn't living up to the high standards of a show that ridicules people for the way they dress.
And man, St. Patrick's Day, is it just me, or does it seem like St. Patrick's Day season starts earlier every year.
I mean, St. Patrick's Day is until March, but I noticed people getting drunk in January.
And I don't go to the parades, though.
I'll tell you that.
I don't go to the parades because I just feel like a parade is antithetical to the idea of being Irish.
I honor my heritage by sitting, brooding, and nursing grudges.
I like that.
You know, some people wanted to ban gays from marching in the St. Patrick's Day parade, but I say no.
Priests have as much right as anybody.
Whoa.
Oh, bone.
Damn.
Huh?
Hey, did you, did you hear?
Fox News is spouting GOP talking points again with a whole segment on Benghazi.
Oh, wait a minute.
That was Meet the Press this week.
Oh, my God.
Hey, you know what?
They did a segment on Benghazi.
That is on.
Frank, when I write that joke, I was like, oh, I wish I would have saw that segment.
I would have done a whole segment on it myself.
Hey, you know, Donald Trump announced he's doing an exploratory to see if his head is actually...
I heard that exploratory committee was actually just to find out what's on top of its head.
Bam!
I think it's a blanket.
I think it signals the beginning of the greatest reality show I've ever seen, which is the Republican primary race.
Yes, and you know, the 2016 GOP candidates are excited that they all now seem to have a good shot at being elected prime minister of Israel.
Bang.
Did you hear about Ted Cruz, what he did this week?
He told a little girl that your world is on fire.
No.
Yes.
And then he vowed to deny her affordable health care to treat her burns.
And the parents of that three-year-old kid took her to see Texas Chainsaw Massacre just to calm her down.
So what's coming up on today's show?
Today we're going to talk about the drought in California and the coverage of it on the news.
We're going to talk about what it takes for a Tea Party member to support cancer research.
Rick Santorum gets a mouthful of what he's been shoveling lately.
We talk about some meaningless news and charter schools, good or bad, the answer just might surprise you, or will it?
Plus, nothing.
Mike McRae is on vacation this week, so we're going to play some of our greatest hits, phone calls.
That's today on The Jimmy Dore Show.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Hi, welcome to Starbucks.
Can I take your order, please?
I'll have a grande Americano with room for cream.
Americano.
You know, that's actually an Italian word.
Did you know that back in the day, a disparaging term for Italians was WAP, which some people say stood for without papers, which came from a backlash to a wave of Italian immigration during the late 1890s.
You can say the Italians were the Mexicans of their day.
And WAP, people used to say WAP, the way people say spic.
The fuck are you telling me this?
I don't know.
I just thought stopping to chat in a superficial way about the complexities of insurmountable problems while holding up a line of frantic coffee drinkers just feels right.
I don't know.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
So in case you haven't heard, California's been in a drought for the last couple of years.
And barring a Jesus-type miracle, it's not going to end anytime soon, which is fitting considering that all climate change deniers fucking love Jesus so much.
Anyhoozel, it's so bad that NASA decided to weigh in and they said, yeah, in case you didn't believe every other scientist or your own goddamn eyes, we think we're all effed.
Okay, so NASA, so then CBS decided to cover it, and here's how they covered it.
Ready?
Here's how they covered it.
93% of California is facing severe drought in 67% of the state.
It's extreme.
Yeah, so 93% of the faces is in severe drought in California.
So that would mean the other 7% doing pretty good then.
And they're actually not.
No, but it hurts the joke to point that out.
Yeah, dude, thanks.
So yeah, but they have levels of drought.
It goes from extreme and then severe.
You would think those would be the same.
They're not.
It gets worse.
Extreme is not as worse.
are the levels that I experienced during my career job.
So there's more to this report.
After the driest January on record, California's reservoirs may hold just one year's water supply.
Really?
One year's water supply?
And so I guess after that we go all Road Warrior or something?
Is that what's going to do?
I mean, that's what so in 2016, turns out Californians won't be so much interested in Hillary Clinton as they are and who should be chief of their clan and where they go to get more crossbows.
One year of water.
And by the way, does that so we have one year left supply of water.
Okay.
So does that one year supply also include the water we're going to be shitting in for the next year?
Because when we, because we get water, we get it diverted down to Southern California because we live in a kind of a desert.
And by the way, I was thinking about this when I was in Las Vegas about how that's a desert and it was 100 and a million degrees there.
That's an actual temperature, 100 million.
And I was thinking to myself, wow, they have to get water.
I know California's in a drought.
They have to get water.
And I thought about it.
Well, people don't even drink water out of the faucets anymore.
People drink bottled water all the time.
So when they divert all that water, when they divert All that water from the Colorado River.
A tiny, tiny bit of it is for drinking.
Most of it is to shit in.
So they are, you are diverting clean drinking water to Las Vegas, to the middle of the desert, so people can shit in it.
Doesn't that sound crazy?
And that's what we're doing in California, in Los Angeles, in Los Angeles.
People don't drink out of their fountain.
People drink bottled water or purified water or some kind of.
And so most of the drinking water that we're getting down here, we're using to defecate in.
Well, no.
Because even if you drink eight glasses a day, which they tell you to drink, eight glasses a day, it takes at least two or three gallons of water to flush down a dump.
And I dump three times a day easy.
I'm a big dumper.
It's more complicated.
The majority of the water is going to.
Ever since my gallbladder, I'm a big dumper.
It's washing right through me.
To washing things, which is a huge waste of water.
Yeah, like my brother-in-law washes down his driveway every day.
Oh, because it costs two cents a gallon.
If we have one year, we have one year left, one year.
Okay, so let's keep going.
But hold on, hold on.
Our wastewater actually is recycled.
So that actually is not.
Recycled and what's done with it?
I think it's either.
We drink it again?
No.
No, no, no.
I think it's either given to agriculture because it can be reused that way, or it's used industrial uses, or it's put out to sea.
Because I looked it up, and all the, I couldn't find out what happens in California, but I could find out what happens in Detroit and in Calgary, right?
So there were videos of that stuff, right?
So in those places, they do clean the wastewater, and they make fertilizer out of the stuff that they scrape out of it or whatever.
And then they put bacteria in the water to eat the rest of the stuff.
And then they get the phosphorus, all this stuff, but then they put it back in the river.
So they have to clean it just to put it back in the river.
They don't put it back anywhere else.
So I'm guessing that here in Los Angeles, they would clean it and put it back in the ocean.
I think we do put the majority of it back in the ocean.
It could be recycled for.
So isn't that wild that we're taking?
So anyway, so I just want to make that point.
And when I make this point, no one else seems to share my opinion that that's crazy.
This is our system that we see.
Well, Jimmy, you haven't offered an alternative for the poop.
Yeah.
What are we going to do with the poop?
value being able to shit in water.
You're listening to the Jimmy Door Show.
What are we going to do with the poop if we don't flush it down the toilet?
Einstein, what are we going to do with it?
I don't know.
How about composting toilets?
Isn't that a thing?
Composting toilets.
Right?
That's a thing, right?
There's a thing called composting toilets.
So why don't we do that?
Can you describe how that would be?
It's essentially it's like a clitter box for people, and it's really smelly.
What do you yeah?
Who wants that in their house?
What are you talking about?
It actually, it isn't smelly.
What it does is it separates the waste.
I mean, how about we have pooping houses in our backyard instead of everybody has to poop in their house?
How about we do that little thing so we don't use three gallons of water every time we poop?
What you're suggesting involves me knowing my neighbors in a way that I don't want to know.
No, you can have a house.
You can have like it in your garage.
I won't go up into my neighbor in the shitty house in the backyard.
No, you got off sharing.
How about this?
How about we reclaim, we use the reclaimed water for watering shit.
Jimmy, when people come in my backyard, I don't want to have to say, I'm in here.
That's what I'm saying.
Do you think the drought is bad?
Get a little this.
This is how bad it is.
California is drying out 11 trillion gallons below normal.
That sounds bad.
11 trillion gallons below normal.
Wow.
And by the way.
I remember when work dried up for me in California.
That's just the same as the earlier joke.
It's really bad here.
It gets worse.
But with California going into a fourth year of drought, farmers are worried some of the most productive agricultural land in the country is on its way to becoming desert.
You know, I guess maybe it's time we say California had a nice run.
So we jacked it from the Mexicans like a Victorian edition of Grand Theft Auto V, and we rode that bitch until the wheels fell off.
And it just might be time for us to find a new place to colonize.
Mexico.
I don't think the government is helping.
Did you see the statement the governor released?
Forget it, Jake.
It's Chinatown.
Wow.
And by the way, while we're debating the XL pipeline to move oil so we can ship it to China and the Northeast gets hit by record precipitation, no one seems remotely interested in, say, a pipeline to California for water from the Great Lakes or something, right?
No one seems interested in desalination.
And no one seems interested in cutting carbon emissions to zero so this stuff doesn't happen in the first effing place, okay?
But guess what?
They're on it in California.
Our legislature, they're on it.
All right.
You ready?
Do you want to hear what they've done, what they're doing?
Yes.
Okay, here's what they're doing.
The legislature in California.
Per use, state regulators voted to outlaw watering lawns more than twice a week and within 48 hours of a rainstorm.
Restaurants can serve water only if customers request it.
Okay, so everything's fixed.
Everything will be okay.
Everything's going to be fine.
We're 13 trillion gallons low, and we only have a year left in our reserve, and we're in the worst driest January ever.
But you can't, so they said you can't water your lawn more than twice a week.
And then if we go down to zero reserves, you got to cut down to once a week.
And then when we're completely out of water, you can only water your lawn once a month when there's absolutely no water.
Then just cut it down to one month.
And it's just that's what they came up with.
They forbid restaurants from serving water to customers unless specifically asked.
You know, I know a few restaurants in L.A. I go to a lot of restaurants.
I know a lot of them have been following that rule so well, they don't even bring you water when you ask, okay?
That's a real, that's a real commitment to conservation, Frank.
That's what I say.
Yeah, well, I hope they don't take away the free soda refills.
And you know, this is true.
I'm not even joking.
In New York, it does not have free soda refills.
No, I know.
I remember the first time I was there, they charged me for a refill on my iced tea.
I couldn't believe it.
I was upset.
And in California, now, you know, that old saying, the customer's always right.
They're going to switch it to the customer's always thirsty.
You would think people would be more panicked about this in the city.
You would California.
You would think there's one year left on our reserves.
There's no hiatus either on or.
They go, okay, well, stop watering your lawns three times a week.
Just do it twice a week.
Are you out of your mind?
We're still watering lawns.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
If I see my neighbor watering his lawn and we get down to Mad Max water levels, we're down now.
I'm going to beat the crap out of my neighbor.
And why does water still cost two cents a gallon?
I mean, why don't they do something?
you know, you make a charge cost a quarter a gallon.
People are going to start dumping in their backyards.
People will start crapping in their backyard.
I'm not going to spend three bucks every time I want to take a dump.
We're going to figure out a solution to that problem.
Well, some people actually recycle their shower water.
I do.
Oh, look at you, Robin.
I recycle my washing machine water.
Oh, do you?
Oh, that's because you live up on Mount Philippi?
Where do you live?
Do you drink green oolong tea?
What do you mean you recycle your.
I have a gray water system, so the water from my washing machine, like you know, when it empties out, it empties out into a cistern, and then that runs out into my garden.
Really?
So why don't we do more things like that?
I do my part by not taking a shower.
That's nice.
That's true.
How about a response equal to the danger we're facing, is what you're saying, right, Robert?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Because in case you guys didn't know, California's agriculture is a $37 billion industry.
It provides the majority of America's food in dozens of categories, 20% of the nation's entire food supply.
It also employs over 650,000 people, most of whom aren't having great lives to begin with.
So think about that.
And almonds, by the way, how many gallons of water does it take to grow an almond?
One almond, 1.1 gallons of water per almond.
One almond, 1.1 gallons of water.
Compared to one tomato, 3.3 gallons of water.
Yeah, but a tomato is worth it.
Let's talk about a tomato.
You can make a whole sandwich out of a tomato.
We're not far from there only being Mounds bars and no Almond Joy.
*music*
Okay, well, Mike McRae is on vacation this week, so we're going to dip back to the what were the phone call sketches we were doing last year this time.
We got Haley Barber.
That's right, one of our all-time faves, Haley Barber.
Here we go.
I'm Haley Barber.
Oh, hi.
Hi, Governor.
Well, look at here, Driver.
I just want to set the record straight about this Louie Gohmert about setting the record straight about Sarah Palin.
Okay, so for our listeners, for some reason, Congressman Gomert felt the need to go to the floor of the house to explain the inaccuracies of a Saturday night live sketch about Sarah Palin from six years ago.
Is that right, Governor?
Well, you shot the camera out of my nutsack, Jimbo.
And I, Haley Barber, feel the need to correct the inaccuracies of the Gohmert sketch that is Louis Goemert.
Okay, Governor, go right ahead.
He's a fucking jackass.
Oh, my God, sir.
Total fucking head case.
Damn.
Crazy.
And just kind of an all-around dick.
Really, if you look at it.
Governor, I'm really surprised to hear you talking about a fellow Republican like this.
I'm Haley Barber.
Really, Governor?
Let me tell you something.
If I'm a point of that SNL sketch that didn't go far enough.
*coughing*
So this is the sketch in which Governor Palin said she could see Russia from her house.
When what she actually said was one could see Russia from Alaska.
Timbo, Sarah don't even know that much about geography.
Hell, she's going to have a ring.
Governor, are you saying that Sarah Palin, who came very close to being vice president of the United States, is illiterate?
Take clear a word, Jimmy.
How do you know this?
She told me.
Hell, she told everybody who listened.
She thinks it's her most gold road thing of matter.
I'm not one of those egghead liberals or Bellway insiders.
I can't even write my own name.
Swear to God, Jimmy.
I was there when someone asked her to sign something, and she just raised her hand and made a turkey.
This is incredible, Governor.
How is it that this has never come to light before?
I won't ever ask her.
And the doubt, Dimbo, if someone had asked her point blank, can you read?
She would have said not a word.
And then rolled right into some other inane, you know, blathering.
What about when she was asked what papers or magazines she reads?
And she said, I read everything.
Well, near as I can tell, all she thinks looking at pictures is reading.
They impress her.
For example, I'm pretty sure she would have said Ziggy and Clipper, the big red dog.
I'm Haley Barber.
Yes.
Yes, I know.
Let me be clear here, Jimbo.
These are not my people.
The Grand Old Party is not about this dumb and crazy ship.
We are about evil.
We are about making money on the banks of the environment and poor people.
We are about coded racism and frat boy foreign policy.
We're about denying women health care and equal pay.
We're about scapegoating the Mexicans and homos.
But I'll tell you one thing.
We know what we are doing the whole gall dang time.
Governor.
Governor Barber.
Yes, Governor Barber.
Why do you think Representative Gomert felt the need to give this speech?
Oh, he likes Sarah.
You know, like he lacks her.
I get you.
And this is just the only way he knows that it's present.
He does us once in a while.
Remember that terror babies coming?
Yeah, that's where he claimed terrorists were being sent here in pregnant women.
That's the one.
Yeah.
That was his way of letting Condy Ross know he had some jungle fever for her.
Really?
Real.
Sure.
Just the other day, he called me and he told me, "I'm gonna make a space that's gonna make "sir apparent wanna get me a handy "in the backseat of my Corolla." That's...
I got a head.
Me and the boys got to go do some southern crap.
You wouldn't understand.
I'm sure I wouldn't.
Haley Barber has left the chat room.
I'm Haley Barber.
Okay, that was Haley Barber.
Okay.
Big thanks to everybody who uses our Amazon box when they buy something from Amazon.com.
It's a big help.
It supports our show.
How does it work, Jimmy?
The next time you want to buy something from Amazon.com, think of our show.
Why would I do that?
Because you love us and you want to help support us.
So what do I do?
Well, you go over to JimmyDorkComedy.com.
You click on our Amazon box right on the front page.
And then when you buy something on Amazon, they send us money.
It's just that easy.
It doesn't cost anything.
It doesn't change the way you shop at Amazon.
But it sure does help support the show.
So thanks for doing that.
And if you're not doing it, guess start doing it.
Okay.
All right.
So let's get back to the second half of the show.
We got the world's most offended listener is in the second half of the show, which is always a treat.
And some more, lots more stuff.
Okay, let's get back to that.
Hey, welcome back to the Jimmy Doer show coming up in the second half.
The world's most easily offended listener calls in along with Bill O'Reilly.
Steph Samurano lets us know how she feels about Starbucks race policy.
Also, I'm joined by Frank Conniff, Ted Lyde, Robert Yasamer, Michael Schertzer, Edwin Umanya.
And let's get back to the studio where we are.
We're going to talk about Jim Kramer's great financial advice that he gave earlier this year on the Today Show.
So the American worker hasn't seen a pay raise in about, I don't know, since Ronald Reagan.
But Jim Kramer, Jim Kramer is here to keep you hoping, not looking for a solution to the problems of corporations hoarding the profits at the top and screwing workers out of their fair share and in the process stagnating our economy.
No, just listen to Jim Kramer.
He's going to tell us exactly how all the new huge corporate profits are going to be distributed and why.
And by the way, just a little background on Jim Kramer.
For those of you who don't know who Jim Kramer is, he's the amphetamine crazed host of Mad Money on CNBC, and the C stands for con.
He has the special ability to predict major recessions years after they've happened.
His economic predictions are so wildly inaccurate that the great Criswell is jealous.
It's been proven that his show has never made money for anyone apart from himself.
So you can understand why he continues to appear on television as a financial expert.
Okay.
And by the way, it's a well-known secret.
Maybe I shouldn't say this, but Jim Kramer also into clown porn.
Okay, here we go.
At least there's something good about it.
Okay.
So he was on with Matt Lauer, and he was going to talk about here's the question Matt Lauer asks.
Here we go.
We talk about this a lot, and we have in the past.
Will this be the year that Americans see a real raise?
Will this be the year?
We've talked about it in the past because as we've mentioned casually on our corporate news show, the workers have been screwed out of their fair share of the profits.
And that's why we have the biggest income disparity since the Gilded Age right now in our own country, where they say the middle class is being squeezed.
And half of all wage earners in America earn less than $30,000.
By the way, Jimmy, this question is being asked by a man who, by all reports, Matt Lauer, makes, I believe, between $20 and $30 million a year.
Oh my God.
Matt Lauer makes, I think his last contract was $25 million a year, plus he gets a helicopter to work.
Oh my.
So, yeah, so this is who we have to rely on to stick up for the little guy, a guy who makes $25 million a year.
Okay, here we go.
No, okay, here we go.
In terms of their ability to have a good lifestyle.
Yes.
So this is the year.
Jim Kramer says, yes, this is the year that they're going to get it here.
I'll play from Mooko from the top.
We talk about this a lot, and we have in the past.
Will this be the year that Americans see a real raise in terms of their ability to have a good lifestyle?
Yes.
Yes.
Because this is a year where the companies have so much profit that it would be embarrassing if they didn't return it to some of the workers.
Did you hear why?
Because the corporations, by the way, they've been flush with cash.
We've talked about it on this show, sitting on trillions of dollars, not reinvesting it into our economy, not just sitting on it, sending it offshore, things like that.
A lot of them were featured on hoarders.
But he said that this year we're going to get a raise because they're going to be so flushed with cash.
Here it is again.
Yes, because this is a year where the companies have so much profit that it would be embarrassing if they didn't return it to some of the workers.
It would be embarrassing for them.
So what he's saying is corporations, which aren't human beings, unless you're the Supreme Court, then they're people.
Corporations, they have to, there comes a time when they start to have human emotions.
Right?
Like, I guess greed and gluttony, they have that.
But then there comes a time when they get so much cash that an internal switch inside their corporate body gets flipped, and then they start to have embarrassment.
But when does the embarrassment come only after they have accumulated ungodly amounts of cash?
It's like the cash bag gets so big, it finally tricks that switch inside the corporation that triggers their human embarrassment.
And then they start to distribute money.
So that's why we all have great health care is because corporations, they just felt so ashamed that they weren't giving it to workers.
Yes.
Yes.
The embarrassment that these corporate people feel is very, very apparent.
I know that when the Walton family who run Walmart, who make a huge percentage of the wealth of the entire United States, were told about how their employees can't even pay for health care.
I know one of them said, boy, is my face red.
Frank, it's a well-known law of economics.
Profits multiplied by billions divided by embarrassment equals a salary raise for workers.
Absolutely.
Yes.
Well, what's ridiculous, too, is that they don't feel that embarrassment because no one in power in Washington encourages them to feel embarrassment.
Right, cool.
Nobody shames them for not giving their workers a living wage.
And every bill that is proposed and passed is based on giving the people at the top more money and not giving the workers any more money or any better way of life, no matter what the profits.
So why would they feel embarrassed about it?
So exactly your point twice, you made it with the Walmart and that also perfect points.
What Jim Kramer is doing here, it's like, why would he do this?
What he's doing here is he's telling the workers, just shut up.
Just shut up for another year.
Shut up for another year.
Just shut up for another year.
I know.
And Matt Lauer, this is too much of a line of BS even for Matt Lauer, who makes $25 million a year.
He pushes back.
Let's listen.
This is a year where the companies have so much profit that it would be embarrassing if they didn't return it to some of the work.
It's been embarrassing in the past.
We've seen that happen.
The CEOs are overpaid.
I'm not going to change my mind about that.
He can't stop laughing.
He can't say.
it's true.
It's true.
The CEOs of our biggest corporations are screwing over people, raping our economy, and filling their pockets with cash.
It's true, and it's funny.
It's really so funny.
Isn't it funny how he has to say it like that?
It's like a big goof.
It's a big goof that we're living in the new gilded age.
It's a big goof to Jim Kramer.
And it's reassuring to people to hear advice about the sensible way to use money from a guy who's obviously on a Coke jack.
Yes, yes.
Can I just think that there will be such great wealth and such success for so many companies in 2015?
Don't be surprised if you get a raise even if you didn't ask for it.
Don't be surprised if you get a raise, even if you didn't ask for it.
Because we all know back in the 50s and 60s and 70s, when the auto workers were making such good wages, it wasn't because they had to go on strike, band together, threatened to take the company down.
It wasn't that.
It was because General Motors was embarrassed.
So they decided to pay their workers a living wage so they could put their kids through college, buy a house, and have two cars and a summer vacation.
It was because they were embarrassed.
It wasn't because workers had to band together and threatened to ruin their company if they didn't pay them a living wage.
It wasn't that.
No, no, it was this they were embarrassed.
Can I say that?
Yes.
First of all, this guy clearly has a head injury.
He's a freaking moron.
And he's brought out as a financial expert.
Yeah.
And he, and by the way, he has a show, even though he didn't see the financial meltdown.
Didn't see it coming a mile away.
Didn't see it coming.
And long after, still has a show.
Still has a show.
But the reason why he thinks this is because he lives in such a bubble where corporations, when they have excess profit, they give dividends to shareholders.
Yes.
Okay.
And yes, that is something that they do because that is how a corporation lives and dies is by its shareholders.
They do not ever, ever, ever give that to their employees unless their employees happen to be shareholders.
Yes, exactly right.
The point is, is that this guy sees everything through the lens of a finance guy.
Right.
He has no connection to how much milk costs at all.
Or how to actually, who generates the profits.
He doesn't have any idea that, oh my God, it's right.
They wouldn't be any profits if it weren't for workers.
He doesn't understand.
And also, you know, they're having him on the Today Show to talk about this.
And meanwhile, their news organization is doing nothing to report on any of this.
No, nothing.
And we, and gang it, again, it takes Matt Lauer, $25 million man, to even push back a little bit on Jim Kramer's complete BS.
It's such BS.
It gets pushed back on morning television on the Today Show.
So according to Jim Kramer, the record-breaking profits that corporations have been making in recent years has not been enough to give workers a raise.
That hasn't been enough.
Instead, they constantly are downsizing.
Corporations are cutting benefits.
They're outsourcing jobs at third world slave labor.
They're forcing the remaining workers to work for less money.
But according to Jim Kramer, greed is not unlimited.
There is a threshold.
And good news for everybody, in 2015, we're going to cross that greed threshold.
You just wait for that raise, but don't ask for it.
Frank, if you've been following Jim Kramer's for stock tips, you won't only need a raise.
You're going to need three extra incomes to crawl out of that bankruptcy.
I actually prefer to follow Jeremy Kramer for stuff.
Just for the people in the studio, folks.
But you, in the past on this show, you've played clips from people like Maria Bartolomo and people on Sunday shows saying that if Obama's policies are followed, they're going to lay people off.
Yeah.
People are going to be put out of work because of these radical policies that Obama is pursuing.
And this was said on all of these shows.
It was said on the Today Show.
It was said on CNBC all the time.
And then here it is, they're doing a segment about how the economy is improving.
So once again, they're wrong.
They're always wrong, is my point.
Always wrong.
Well, you know, the heartbreaking part is, wasn't it something like 30, 40 years ago that the difference in the pay of an employee and a CEO was a 30% difference.
And now it's 300% difference in multiples.
Right.
Multiples, not percentage.
Right.
Multiples, rather.
And, you know, I think, you know, every year that that happens, when they get paid so well, they shit themselves.
Yeah.
Out of embarrassment.
Yes, out of embarrassment.
They've even gotten to the point where they're not going to let people eat cake.
Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!
Oh, yeah.
Okay, well, there's more coming up on the Jimmy Door show, but right now we're going to go to a phone call we got last year, last March this time, from Bill O'Reilly.
And let's check out what he was talking about.
Joining us now is Bill O'Reilly.
Bill, how are you doing?
Don't give me any of that liberal crap.
Jimmy, I've got stuff I need to talk about.
Shoot, Bill.
Funny you should say that because as you know, I've been writing a lot of books about assassinations lately.
First there was killing Lincoln, then there was killing Kennedy.
And then my biggest blockbuster, the heartwarming, killing Jesus.
Actually, Bill, the critics crucified you for that one.
Rot in hell, homo.
That book was number one on the bestseller list or Daily Worker.
I mean, the New York Times.
Sorry, I always get those two mixed up.
I'm not going to stand in for any of your usual blasphemy, Dor.
I've been deeply devout ever since I was a kid, and I heard about the crucifixion of Christ.
And I knew in my heart of hearts that Jesus' ultimate sacrifice was something I'd make a shitload of money from.
Boy, that's an inspiring story, Bill.
Shut up, kiss back.
I'm all here to promote some of my upcoming titles in the series.
The next one is called Killing Me.
Killing You, Bill O'Reilly?
Well, the full title is Killing Me Softly with His Song.
It's about the time I saw Don McLean perform live.
I mean, it was incredible.
He was strumming my pain with his fingers, singing my life with his words, selling the whole O'Reilly factor talking points memo with his song.
I was so moved.
I was so moved.
You're showing us your gentle side.
Are you coming on to me, Dor?
Because I don't go in for that sort of thing unless you're a segment producer working under me with an open mind about Middle Eastern food.
If I've made you uncomfortable about your history of sexual abuse, I feel awful.
I mean, I feel awful.
Oh, so you're doing puns now.
What is this?
A hashtag war?
If so, forget it, Dorr, because the hashtag war is the only kind of war Fox News doesn't support.
I didn't come here for this kind of crap.
I'm here because I want to tell you about my other new killing book.
It's called Killing the Passengers and Crew of the Malaysian Airplane.
Oh, Bill, too soon, buddy.
Too soon.
It's never too soon to come up with theories about stuff you have no facts about.
And I've come up with a theory about that missing jet.
Well, I guess we're about to hear it.
You sure are.
Here it is.
I think the culprit behind this whole missing jet saga is Jeff Zucker.
The president of CNN?
Yes.
Think about it, Jimmy.
CNN's ratings have gone up since this whole thing happened.
Whenever people want to hear random, pointless, crackpot speculation about breaking news, they go to CNN.
I'll be the first to admit it.
At Fox, we specialize not in breaking news, but in overall ongoing, continuing paranoid fantasies like Benghazi and the IRS scandal and Benghazi and Acorn and Benghazi and other stories like Benghazi, for instance.
The CNN is the industry leader when it comes to making shit up about stuff that is happening right now.
So therefore, Jeff Zucker, the president of CNN, is the person who caused the Malaysian plane to disappear.
It's the only logical explanation I can think of.
If it turns out not to be true, well, who cares?
Nothing I say ever turns out to be true.
And Jimmy, that's the most important thing in the news business: consistency.
Well, Bill O'Reilly, thanks for joining us today.
kiss my rich irish ass and suck my dick at midnight Hashtag angry Irish sign off.
All right, that was Bill O'Reilly.
The Jimmy Dorr show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
This piece is entitled, A White Guy, a Black Guy, a Mexican, and a Jew Walk into a Starbucks.
Nobody's dipping.
CEO Howard Schultz of Starbucks net worth around $2.2 billion decided that he wants to make a positive change in our country, and that entails taking your coffee order.
And how about at a conversation about racism?
But please hold the foaming at the mouth.
What could possibly go wrong with the exception of an Oklahoma frat breaking into song?
What net job is really going to engage in this conversation?
And while the only goal is to get a caffeine fix, Pronto?
And I want to know, how are baristas being trained to facilitate elevated discourse regarding such a delicate matter?
Let's pretend I'm a barista, taking orders at 7:30 in the morning with the line going out the door.
Hello, sir.
Can I get your drink order?
Okay, one grande cup of black coffee.
Excuse me, sir, but is that the way you like your women?
Hot, black, grande, and to-go.
Who's next?
By the way, what do you think about our country's race relations?
That thing that happened in Ferguson was horrible, right?
And then I heard that they got, they shot some cops.
I mean, what is going on with the world?
Oh, you know speaky English?
Are you a foreigner?
Would you like a side of racism to go with that scone?
Hello, can I get a drink for you today?
I've always wondered how do albinos feel about racism.
Let me get your green Tazo tea frappuccino started.
Now, what exactly makes you not a racist, ma'am?
Hello.
May I share with you our pamphlet that allows us to have an open conversation about the mistreatment of brown people?
How the odds are stacked against all people of color.
So we might as well have a conversation right now in the middle of Starbucks to make a difference.
Oh, did you catch the Oscars?
Who would you like to discuss the lack of?
Who would like to discuss the lack of diversity in film and television?
I heard Ryan Gosling is Mexican.
But I don't know if that's true or not.
Hello, ladies.
I'm wondering, what do you think is the main reason why women and minorities are so rare at the highest echelons of corporate America?
Some people suggest that it's an unconscious bias against people who don't look like a typical aka white male leader can make it harder for top female and minority leaders to climb the corporate ladder.
See, you don't look like a typical leader.
You're not white and you don't have a penis, ladies.
Listen, the next time I go into Starbucks and they ask, what do you want to drink?
I will say a strong cup of coffee picked by a third world hand, exploited so to serve me in America by a part-time minimum wage worker that needs to be unionized and be paid a livable wage, especially if part of their job description includes to make great tasting coffee drinks and rid the world of racism.
Yeah.
you *music* Hello?
Yes, hello.
Oh, this is oh, hi.
This is the most easy officer.
Yes, this is offended listener.
Oh, for our, okay, so for our listeners, if you don't know, this is the most easily offended listener who listens to the show sometimes.
How are you doing?
Okay, you act like that's a bad thing.
No, no, not at all.
Well, the truth is, I happen to have a very highly developed sense of empathy that allows me to feel offended on behalf of all other humans on the planet.
Oh, that doesn't sound good.
It's my cross to bear, Jimmy, which is a metaphor I use only because it's convenient, not because I believe in the Judeo-Christian patriarchy.
Okay.
Well, fine, Mr. Funny Man.
Now, you and your persons have been having a good laugh at Governor Christie's weight issues.
Yes, we do make a lot of fat jokes about Governor Christie.
Which, to start With it's not fat, okay?
That is hate speech.
They prefer plus math Americans, okay?
Yay!
laughter You say, really?
Don't patronize me with your little gesture agrees with you, game.
I wasn't.
Look, I'm not going to defend the jokes we make about Chris Christie.
They're totally juvenile and stupid, but they make us laugh.
And that's all that matters, isn't it?
White heterosexual male.
I don't know, man.
And the biggest offender against the corpulent is Mr. Frank Connant.
Yes, he makes a lot of fat jokes about Christie.
Yeah, well, it has come to my attention that Mr. Connant is himself a large man.
Yes, that's true.
I think he'd be the first one to admit that, though.
Well, let's see how you like it, so-called TV's Frank.
You're a fatty, a big fat fatty who does not conform to the enforced conventional norms of beauty.
I am laughing heartily.
Wow.
Mr. Connet is so overweight that he sued Xbox 360 for guessing his weight because his weight is roughly 360 pounds.
And he foolishly assumed that the Microsoft Corporation had named the device after him.
Mm-hmm.
That's comedy.
And I know I've taken improv classes.
Okay.
Spontaneous combustion.
We perform live every, you know, whenever we, whatever.
Go on.
Okay.
Oh, did you hear, Jimmy?
When Mr. Connet sits around, he sits around.
I think two vernacular uses of that phrase for humorous results.
You know, Joe, I don't think you're good at this joke thing.
Oh, goddess, I know.
Oh, I feel horrible about this.
Please apologize to Frank for me.
I was trying to make a point through satire.
Got it.
But even satire is so hurtful, it makes me really upset.
Where did you get those jokes?
I don't want to say.
Come on, tell me.
From a website called Your Mama.
So large.com.
But instead of large, they say dollar word.
Okay, well, that's what I thought.
And then I carefully edit out the Your Mama part so that it would make sense in the context.
I got it.
Oh, Jimmy, that website was awful.
All they were doing was making fun of overweight mothers.
And these are meant to be taunts at other children, Jimmy.
Other African American children.
I'm aware of that.
Well, shouldn't somebody do something about this?
It's just more black on black violins.
You might as well be shooting firearms at one another and then accidentally kidding the overweight mother who can't help it because she's so large.
A bullet is bound to hit her statistically.
Yes, you're right.
Listen, someone should do something about that, but I got to go here.
Listen, is there anything else you were offended by this week?
Yes.
Right after your program on KPFK, did you know there is a show called the Pacho Hour of Power?
It's the Pocho.
Who cares?
Yes, I did know that.
Well, as we all know, Pocho, Hour of Power, is lingo for anal sex with a naturalized Latino man.
Yeah, you know, I never heard that.
Well, it is.
And I just want to say that I'm offended by them degrading such a beautiful act of interracial love as a private matter.
Okay.
Okay, fine.
Goodbye.
I'm offended and you won't change that.
Okay, that was the world's most easily offended listener.
He is offended.
He is offended.
Okay, so you know what was in the premium last week because I accidentally dropped it in the regular feed.
It was all our Ben Carson stuff and the Bill Cosby phone call.
And it was, I think, about 35 minutes of goodness.
And this week, there was even more stuff.
So we're going to, all our conversations about Starbucks, we didn't have time to get to it.
I know, right?
And so that's in the premium plus a lot lot more.
And how do I get the premium content, Jimmy?
You go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
You click on join premium, $5 donation a month get you access to all the premium content.
And if you pay it for the whole year at once, we'll save you $5.
We'll give you a month free.
So that's only $55 for the whole year.
All right.
Thanks, everybody who's a premium member.
Really help support the show.
And a big shout out to Sean James.
He can fix your computer right over the internet.
He fixes mine.
He's in New York.
I'm in LA.
And he fixes stuff.
It's amazing.
Give him an email if you want him to help fix your stuff.
That's machelp at seanjames.com.
And that's spelled Sean S-H-A-U-N.
MacHelp at SeanJames.com.
Okay.
Thanks, everybody, who made it out again to the taping, the live audience on the soundstage at YouTube.
We're going to be doing it again.
If you'd like to be on the mailing list, send me an email at my old-time email, jimmydoor at earthlink.net and put in the subject line live audience.
And we'll put you on our email list and we'll get you out to one of our live tapings.
It was a blast the last time.
All right, we're going to do it again.
Okay, so today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Frank Conniff, Steph Zamorano, Mark Van Landuitt, Robert Yasambura, Michael Schurzer.
And big thanks for going to JimmyDoorComedy.com and filling out that brief survey.
It's a big help to us.
So if you go to jimmydoorcomedy.com and there'll be a survey right there on the front page, just click it, take it.
It just answers a few questions about who are we, we're trying to get a gauge on who our listeners are and stuff like that.
So if you go do that, it helps us and it'll be a big help to support the show.
Okay, so thanks for doing that.
Okay, that's it for this week.
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