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Feb. 21, 2015 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program, the Jimmy Dore Show.
So last week, Fox News decided to air a 22-minute terrorist propaganda film from ISIS unedited on their website.
You know, if you're a terrorist gang stuck in the corner of the Middle East and you made a propaganda video for recruitment and fear spreading, but you're in desperate need of a platform to distribute it, bam, Fox News is there to answer your prayers.
Fox News, the news network where the most factual part of the broadcast is the commercial.
They have some action-packed videos of scary Muslims murdering people.
And this country's war machine couldn't be happier.
When dealing with propaganda videos of murders made by terrorists, Roger Ailes, the grandson that Joseph Goebbels never had, he chose to broadcast them because of their highest journalistic principle, ratings.
Now, warmongers from anywhere in the world know they have an open mic ready for them at Fox News.
The video shows ISIS horrifically setting someone on fire.
But the video was really meant to inflame the viewers.
I don't get it.
ISIS is apparently the most evil thing to happen ever, worse than texting while driving or using plastic bags at a grocery store.
Yet our presidents hold hands with leaders of a country that regularly beheads its own people.
It's almost like the American media is showing beheadings as a ruse to get people worked up for a war or something.
The official Fox News rationale for showing the 22-minute terrorist video unedited was because we needed to see the, quote, full reality of Islamic terrorism, as Brett Baer put it.
You know Fox News' intentions are pure.
By the way, they also show the videos of body bags filled with American soldiers coming home and how they are also fully committed to showing the full reality of innocent civilians murdered in our bombings.
Oh, wait.
I mean, they never show that stuff.
Sure, our bombs burn, behead, and murder innocent people, too, yet Fox doesn't compel its viewers to view the full reality.
I wonder why.
They wanted to show how inhuman, ugly, and gruesome ISIS is when they kill someone, as opposed to the respectful and courteous way we kill people in war.
We would never chop someone's head off or burn them to death.
We drop bombs on them that don't blow their heads off or start infernos that trap those not blown apart by the bomb.
No, our bombs tap people on the shoulder politely and then hug them to death.
Fox News has never shown the whole truth about war.
Instead, they show tourists snapshots of what they want you to see.
Terrorism is the violence of the weak, and we condemn it.
War is the violence of the strong, and we glorify it.
But the message from not only Fox News, but from all our mainstream news outlets is very clear.
War is shockingly brutal when other people do it, but peachy keen loving act of liberty and sacrifice when we do it.
I love you.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
the show for the kind of people that are It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper say.
It's hard to talk on your TV.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hey, welcome to today's show.
I'm joining the studio across the desk from me, a hilarious comedian, author of Morning Remembrance, hilarious obituaries of real dead people.
It's Jim Earle.
Hi, Jim.
How are you?
Hi, Jimmy.
You know, new gleam with GL70 is twice as effective as old gleam with GL35.
Now with green flakes and fluorate for that added warp factor.
Wow, that's, I don't usually like math in my jokes, but it just makes sense in that one.
Overcross the glass from me from the Young Turks.
It's Edwin Umanya.
Hi, Edwin.
How are you?
Still employed.
Oh, fantastic.
You're employed.
Also with us, it's Michael Elliott Spitzer Schertzer, ladies and gentlemen.
Hello, Michael.
Hey, Jimmy.
Also on the phone, all the way from New York, you know him from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's TV's Frank Frank Connoff.
Hello there.
Yay.
All right.
Hey, I don't know if you did you guys see the SNL 40-year anniversary show on Sunday.
I did not see it, but I understood.
What the hell was that?
It was like seven minutes of you scratching your upper eyelid.
My eye got itchy.
That's good radio.
That's good podcast.
But Sarah Palin was also on the show, and she got heckled outside the building.
Some hecklers yelled at her, and she yelled back to the hecklers, get a job.
And then she said, and then shirk your responsibilities and quit that job.
Huh?
That's a good job.
And Jerry Seinfeld, also, he was on that show.
He did a bit with Sarah Palin on that anniversary show.
You know, he's still the master of doing comedy about nothing.
Very nice.
Jim laughed through his closed lips on that one.
Lock y'all.
Thanks for making fun of it.
That's how you got to get that tetanus vaccine.
Cobra.
Cobra.
All right.
You know, it's February, and it may be Black History Month, but I've watched so much porn in February that for me, it's Clear History Month, if you know what I'm saying.
Clear History Month.
You know what I'm saying?
No, I don't.
I'm sorry.
So Barack Obama did a video for BuzzFeed telling people about the deadline to sign up for Obamacare.
And man, did that offend the Fox and Friends host who once laughed about Ray Rice hitting his wife.
Hey, 50 Shades of Gray is now a movie.
The movie is out, and it's inspiring couples to lose their inhibitions and speak openly about what a shitty movie they just saw.
50 Shades of Gray was so poorly written, directed, and acted, I almost stopped masturbating.
I get all these jokes.
You know, and then afterwards, I tried to do some role-playing in my bedroom, but I was told the part had been recast and leave my picture and resume.
It's a show business joke, Jim.
I get it.
It's a show business joke.
Hey, also this week, Ash Wednesday, this week.
Ash Wednesday, who was my favorite stripper when I was on String Break.
But Ash Wednesday, Ash Wednesday is the day when people with dust on their heads remind everybody what a weird religion Catholicism really is.
It was Also, it was also President's Day this week on Monday.
And we honored on President's Day, you know, we honored those men who were elected President of the United States and George Bush.
I knew you'd like that one, Jim, because he wasn't elected.
Not really, no.
That's right.
Not a legitimate president.
So Monday was President's Day to honor America's presidents.
And then the next day was Fat Tuesday to honor the governor of New Jersey.
I had to get to that punchline fast because I knew you guys are going to beat me there.
Hey, so much, man.
Hey, did you hear the news came out that Scott Walker, the governor of Wisconsin, who's running for president, came out that he dropped out of college.
You know, he stopped Scott Walker, stopped being a college student so he could get started on his dream of making life harder for college students.
Hey, did you know that Brian Williams, they said that he's off the air, but he's still working.
He's at MSNBC.
Yeah, he's still there.
The only reason people don't know he's there is because he's on the Ronan Farrow show.
No one watches that show, Jim.
Just got canceled.
Did it really?
Yeah, that and the Joy Reed show.
Oh, I like Joy Reed.
Ronan Farrow Show was horrible.
Yeah, it's ironic because I felt molested watching.
And people are upset.
The neocons are upset with Barack Obama.
He won't call the Islamics terrorists the right names they want him to call him.
And, you know, he's never, Obama will never defeat ISIS if he keeps ignoring the advice of neocon chicken hawks who've been wrong about everything so far.
I say if Barack Obama really loves America, why didn't he use 9-11 Ground Zero site as a fuck pad like Rudy Giuliani's Pal Bernie Curric?
Did you hear what's happening in Oklahoma?
Their Oklahoma legislators are outlawing advanced placement history.
Here they're trying.
Yeah, yeah.
So it's because the Oklahoma legislators want to ensure that the Oklahoma school kids grow up to be as dumb as they are.
What else is coming up on today's show?
Jeb Bush gave a speech about foreign policy and we wonder why.
Plus, Chris Matthews beats the drum for war and a lot lot more.
We got phone calls today.
Got phone calls from Chris Christie, Mel Gibson, Morgan Friedman, and Bill O'Reilly, plus Luke Russert.
today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
Melvin Gordon, CEO of Tootsie Roll.
Melvin Gordon, chief executive of Tootsie Roll Industries, is dead after more than half a century spent desperately trying to pass a sticky brown log that refused to melt even during the hot summer months.
Shock family members say they discovered his iconic oblong-shaped body stuck to a five-year-old's retainer.
You know, Jimmy, the first Tootsie Roll was produced way back in 1896 by Brooklyn inventor Leo Hirschfeld.
25 years later, he committed suicide by shooting himself in the stomach.
That's a true story.
In 1988, Tootsie Roll became the world's largest maker of lollipops, branching out with such popular candies as Sugar Daddy, Junior Mint, Double Bubble, Wacko Wax, Junior Daddy, Wacko Bubble, Double Mint's Daddy Wax, Masonic Diddy Dots, Razzles chocolate-covered fur nips, and crunchy caramel dingleberry daddy duds with zinc.
The Tussie Roll Company now produces 64 million Tootsie Rolls a day.
Experts calculate that if every Tussie roll ever produced were placed end-to-end, it could be the setup to a good joke.
Conjectioners agree the most famous Tootsie Roll ad, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll Center of a Tussie Pop, may never be answered.
But perhaps the most pertinent question facing science today is why it always tastes like a stale cardboard anus.
The real answer to the lick question the company writes on its website, quote, depends on a variety of factors such as the size of your mouth, the amount of saliva, and how much of your pancreas is still working.
Gordon asked that his body parts be individually wrapped and twisted at each end.
Great job.
Great job.
That was another reading from the book Morning Remembrance.
Funny Obituaries of Real Dead People by Jim Earl, available at jimearle.com.
Big thanks to everybody who uses our Amazon.com link when they buy something from Amazon.com.
It's a great way to help support the Jimmy Door show that doesn't cost you anything and it doesn't change the way you shop at Amazon.com.
So the next time you want to buy something from Amazon, please swing by JimmyDoorComedy.com, click on our Amazon.com box, and when you buy something, they send us money.
It's just that simple.
So big thanks to everyone who already does that, and big thanks to you who decided to do it today.
So Jeb Bush wants to run for president because apparently there's still a small patch of earth in the Middle East that hasn't been scorched yet.
Thank you.
I think his campaign slogan is, well, if my brother can do it.
Come on, that's a better joke, Jim.
He gave a speech on foreign policy.
This is his first big speech in his run for president.
He gave a speech about foreign policy.
And it sounds so stupid.
He's just repeating right-wing talking points.
So here, I'll play a little bit of it for you.
Ready?
And he contradicts himself, too, which is the thing I love about the Bushes.
Here we go.
Under this administration, we are inconsistent and indecisive.
We have lost the trust and confidence of our friends.
Yeah, yeah, we've lost the trust and confidence of our friends.
And if there is any group of people who knows about losing trust and confidence, I'm going to say it's the Bush family.
No single family has lied, stolen, swindled, cheated, distorted, and destroyed more of the earth than the Bush family since I got to go all the way back to the Reagan's or the Nixons.
So here we go.
He's got more to say.
We definitely no longer inspire fear in our enemies.
Yes, we no longer inspire.
Remember how much fear we used to inspire in our enemies?
Remember in the past, you know, like right around 9-11?
Remember all the fear That we used to instill in them when Dick Janey and George Bush was president.
They were so scared of us, they knocked down three buildings in Manhattan.
That's how upset they were and scaredy-catty of us.
Hey, we scared them by putting those roadblocks in front of them.
Yeah.
You know, you can't scare suicide bombers.
They're on their way to die.
They're not.
They've got nothing to live for.
They're not.
You can't scare.
Oh, my God.
The only way you could scare them is threatening them with life.
That joke kills.
Thank you.
What joke?
You just made a.
Never mind.
What's joke?
That one you just said.
With life?
Yeah, with the boom before it as well.
What do you, what are you saying?
Like, as when you say that joke kills, what do you mean?
It's a double entendre.
It means like that joke kills as in it's funny and that joke kills people because death.
Oh, okay.
Chris Christie's fat.
What do you mean?
You mean he's like cool, like PH?
No, no, he's fat.
Fat like how?
He's big.
He's real big.
He's big, like popular.
He's well known.
He's large.
He's like, and he's in charge.
No, no, he's huge.
He's huge.
I don't get it.
All right.
Anyway, this is some stuff I'm not going to get.
So here he goes out.
He's got more to say.
The problem is perhaps best demonstrated by this administration's approach to Iraq.
We've had 35 years of experience with Iran.
Excuse me, Iran.
Oh, look, he messed up Iraq and Iran just like his fucking brother did.
Boo, what a bang-up job.
But that little slip was nothing.
Okay, here we go.
He's got more to say.
35 years experience with the RANS rulers.
They have attacked the United States and American troops directly and through their surrogates.
They have used terror as a tool of intimidation.
Okay, so good.
He sounds so much different than George Bush.
He sounds exactly like his brother.
And this is the speech where he's trying to convince everybody he's his own man.
That's why he gave the speech, to delineate himself on foreign policy from his brother.
And his first action was to hire 25 guys who used to work for his brother and his dad in foreign policy.
Paul Wolfowitz being one of them.
I think he has succeeded in delineating himself from his brother.
He's going to be worse.
He's going to be worse?
Yeah.
You think?
Yeah.
I think he would be worse, actually.
I know it sounds funny.
How could you be worse?
But he would be.
So here he is.
So he goes on.
He's got more to say.
The United States has an undiminished ability to shape events and build alliances of free people.
Let me play that again for you.
Let me turn it up a little.
The United States has an undiminished ability to shape events and build alliances of free people.
The United States has an undiminished ability to shape events and build.
But I thought all of our friends lost trust and confidence in us, Jeb.
Didn't you just say that?
Did I hear you say?
What did you say?
We have lost the trust and confidence of our friends.
Okay, but somehow.
The United States has an undiminished ability to shape events and build alliances of free people.
So we've lost the trust of our friends, but we still have an undiminished ability to shape events and build alliances.
Then what the fuck do we need our friends' confidence for?
I don't understand.
If we still have the ability to do everything we did before, who cares about the thing you said was bad?
And why do we here?
And why do we need to shape events?
He's got a little bit more to say.
I had a hard time hearing him because he's talking out of his ass.
He's got a little bit more to say.
We can project power and enforce peaceful stability in far-off areas of the globe.
He sounds so unlike his brother.
We're going to use our power to shape events.
We're all over the globe, everywhere.
We're going to shape it.
Why does the United States always have to shape events?
When did international relations become a fucking pottery class?
America has shaped events.
That's why we have a thing now called ISIS.
Yes, and Al-Qaeda.
And we used to be the Mushahedin, and now we have the Al-Qaeda and ISIS.
And we have a destabilized Iraq.
And we have empowered Iran.
And that's all because of us exerting our power and ability to shape things.
Why does the United States always have to shape events?
Why can't we let someone else?
Why is it always the United States at the wheel?
Maybe France or England or Ecuador would like a turn running things now in the world.
I could not get over how much he sounded like his brother during that speech.
I think during that speech, Sarah Palin was even rolling her eyes in confusion and disgust.
I mean, let me display that for you all the way.
Listen to how this is exactly the kind of stuff Dick Cheney and George Bush used to say.
The United States has an undiminished ability to shape events and build alliances of free people.
We can project power and enforce peaceful stability in far-off areas of the globe.
You know, like how we enforce stability in Iraq, in Afghanistan.
You know how stable those places are right now?
You see how stable everything is over there.
Super stable.
North Korea.
North Korea, super stable.
Right?
50,000 troops in Germany right now.
Super stable.
Super stable.
Well, I didn't see that speech.
Does anybody else see that speech?
No, I just read the transcript.
Did you?
Yeah.
It was like somebody knocked over a Scrabble table.
He sounded dumb again, by the way.
You know what's weird is I didn't see the Jeb Bush speech because I was watching a Frank Stallone movie.
He did sound stupid again, didn't he?
Yeah, he sounded very stupid.
I mean, even the way he stumbled over his own speech, he was stumbling over words.
Go ahead.
He said nuclear.
Well, that's like a badge of honor with those guys, that they pronounce it the dumb way, the way it's not really supposed to be pronounced.
It's nuclear, not nuclear.
When was there a time that Jeb Bush sounded intelligent?
When his brother was president?
Right.
Well, it's so disappointing because Jeb and George's grandfather didn't make deals with the Nazis just so they could say stupid shit like this.
I can't.
I'm going to play this one more just to hear him stumble.
Under this administration, we are inconsistent and indecisive.
We have lost the trust and confidence of our friends.
We definitely no longer inspire fear in our enemies.
The problem is perhaps best demonstrated by this administration's approach to Iraq.
We've had 35 years of experience with the RAN, excuse me, Iran.
35 years experience with the RAND's rulers.
They have attacked the United States and American troops directly and through their surrogates.
They have used terror as a tool of intimidation.
And we can't let a mushroom cloud be our last.
Remember how they would always say that stuff?
I mean, that sounds exactly like he's...
Oh my God.
yeah, we can't let a mushroom cloud be the smoking gun.
We've got to.
Seriously, I think Hillary Clinton listens to that speech and she thinks, wow, I'm actually a good speaker.
I'm a good speaker.
I'm a good speaker.
I got a phone call from Mel Gibson.
Yeah.
Hey, Jimmy, this is Mel Gibson.
My therapist is really pleased with the progress I'm making.
She says I can graduate to talk therapy.
I thought that's what I was doing, calling my Russian ex-girlfriend.
Anyway, I'm calling you to congratulate on replacing John Stewart.
It gives me hope to see a fellow Catholic get the job.
That's one chew down.
13 million to go.
Glad that Jesus wasn't chosen by the youngsters of Zion.
As you know, the Academy Awards are this weekend, and everybody's going to pretend that I didn't get the award for best director and best picture.
And they'll pretend the churches don't send buses full of church people to my blockbuster hit Passion of the Christ.
And they say conservatives are against busing.
The crap they give awards to.
I thought Schindler's list was way too long.
Not the movie list.
It's a real crime.
The Academy Awards never respects comedy films.
Somehow they see them as inferior to drama when they're harder to get right.
Somehow, the cabal doesn't think a whimsical lie romance movie about a man who hears the vaults of women is worthy of their oh-so-precious awards.
I'll tell you one thing: getting cheers for killing British queers on screen is easy compared to getting laughs in scenes with Jodi flipping full staff.
No appreciation for artistry, no appreciation for subtlety.
I did a fight scene with a beaver puppet, for fuck's sake, and not even a best cooking actor nomination.
It'd be lovely to hear from you.
Take care.
It's Bal Gibson lays it up.
Oh.
Yeah.
David Axelrod, former advisor to President Barack Obama, wrote a book and is now doing a book tour.
He was recently asked by a college student about the revolving door of lobbyists in and out of the Barack Obama administration.
See, this is important because on Barack Obama's first day in office, he issued an executive order restricting former lobbyists from working in his administration.
Except any lobbyist that hadn't been registered as a lobbyist in the two years previous was exempt from those rules.
Hmm.
See, the two-year rule is how former lobbyist Alan Hoffman, who represented Visa, Freddie Mac, Unical, Chrysler, ATT, and the American Petroleum Institute, could get a job as Joe Biden's chief of staff.
David Axelrod boldly proclaimed that the idea of a revolving door doesn't exist in the Ibam administration.
And he's right.
There's really no door at all.
There's absolutely zero separation.
And to say revolving is sort of unfair.
It's almost slowed to a halt because there's so many fucking people inside there.
Some people say over 700 lobbyists have worked inside the Barack Obama administration.
It's more like a merry-go-round of fat cat Goldman Sachs insiders, none of whom were punished for the largest financial collapse in the history of the planet, which could probably be viewed as a scandal.
And sure, that happened under George Bush, but it was Obama who failed to prosecute and instead wrote those greedy jackals a fat check while inviting them to run the Treasury and the Federal Reserve.
You know, Jack Liu, who was the COO of Citigroup from 2006 to 2008, is now running the Treasury.
Then you've got Monsanto executives at the USDA and the FDA.
You got healthcare lobbyists like Elizabeth Fowler writing Obamacare.
You have former vice presidents of telecommunication companies running the FCC.
You've got the Department of Defense chock full of military contractors.
Nothing, nothing says a commitment to independence like having had nearly 700 former lobbyists working for your administration.
Thank you.
Jimmy Dore.
This is Bill O'Bill for Bill O'Reilly.
Why hasn't President Delarkey declared a holy war yet?
What's wrong with him?
We need leadership, an iron hand, bliss cream.
It's their religion of peace against all religions of peace.
What you atheist, lesbian, crackheads don't understand is this is the law of the jungle.
They kill one of us, we kill 12 of them.
They murder 10 of our satirical cartoonists.
We murdered 20 of their satirical cartoons.
They release a beheading video.
We release 50 of their beheading videos on our website.
So, Jimbo, people are saying you are going to be the new face over the daily show.
Stewart couldn't handle the pressure.
See me ever retiring?
No way.
I do this for the folks, the simple people.
You know what I'm saying?
The money.
As long as there's Al Sharp in birth control and Beyoncé videos, I have a purpose to my life.
Well, well, well, Dor.
You'll finally be in the upper tax bracket with the rest of us.
It'll give you a whole new perspective on things.
Welcome to the world of private chess.
Everybody kissing your ass, personal bodyguards, and intern injunctions.
You better let me continue being a regular on the show.
I've got more books coming that I need to promote.
Like killing my ex-wife.
Come on, why isn't this happening?
Holy war.
Holy war.
Praise the Lord.
Holy war.
Okay, Jimbo, the detect guy is here to see why I can't get Wi-Fi in my panic room.
You know what?
I'm going to do a little things a little different and give myself the last word.
All right, that's Bill O'Reilly.
All right.
We're doing a special show March 7th.
That show that was March 6th has now been changed to March 7th.
It's a Saturday, which makes it easier to get there, right?
It's Saturday at the YouTube space in Playa Del Rey in Los Angeles.
So if you'd like to come to that show, it's the live show of the Jimmy Doer show at the big YouTube space in LA.
It's going to be a fun time.
Ben Mankowitz should be there.
We'll have some special guests.
If you'd like to be a member of that audience, just send me an email at my old-timey email, jimmydoor at earthlink.net.
Okay.
So that's March 7th.
It's at the YouTube space in Playa Del Rey in Los Angeles.
You know where that is if you're in Los Angeles.
And if you'd like to come to that show, just send me An email at my old-timey email, jimmydoor at earthlink.net, and put in the subject line, March 7th show.
Okay, I'll see you there.
That's going to be a great time.
All right, now let's get back to the second half.
Everybody, welcome back to the second half of the show.
We've got, we're going to look at Chris Matthews and his drum beat for war.
We got phone calls from Chris Christie coming up, and we also got a phone call from Luke Russert.
I'm joined in the studio by a hilarious comedian, former writer for The Daily Show, and the author of Morning Remembrance, Jim Earl.
I'm also joined by Michael Schertzer, Edward Omanya from the Young Turks, and on the phone from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's TV's Frank, Frank Conniff.
Now, let's get back to the studio on our phone call with Luke Russert.
Joining us on the phone right now is NBC correspondent Luke Russert.
Hey, Jimmy, hope you had a bitch in Ash Wednesday.
Actually, I'm not really a Catholic anymore, so I don't walk around in public with a dirty forehead once a year, Luke.
Well, I was really into Ash Wednesday this year, now that I know that a career can turn to dust in a second.
That's why instead of Ash, I stuck a picture of Brian Williams on my head.
Burn.
So you take your Catholicism very seriously.
Hell yeah.
And you know what I'm giving up for Lent?
What?
Follow-up questions.
Oh, so basically, you observe Lent all year round.
Oh, Jimmy, we had Ash Wednesday, Lent, and then soon it will be Good Friday, Palm Sunday, and then Easter.
It's what's known in the broadcast industry as the Catholic Suite.
It's a good time to look back and reflect on the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, which, by the way, we only know about because it happened on a slow news day.
What?
Yeah.
It took a long time for the information to get out because the technology was a little slow back then.
They didn't have viral videos if somebody had to write the Bible.
So you're saying the Bible was the first piece of media to go viral?
Yeah.
Could you imagine the holy scriptures contained cute cat patchers?
Man, if that had happened, the Bible would have been huge.
Wow, Luke, you're a regular biblical scholar, aren't you?
Well, I'm fascinated by the political figures of the Bible, like Pontius Pilate.
He made a huge mistake when he had Christ crucified.
Because he was killing the savior of mankind?
No, because the optics of it were bad.
Killing Christ should have been a huge win for him politically, but he lost the public relations war.
Back then, powerful politicians didn't have outlets like meet the press where they could control the message.
I think most historians agree that Pontius Pilate should have fired his media advisors.
Luke, I'm not even religious, but even I know that the media optics are not the most important thing about the crucifixion of Christ.
He was the victim of a brutal regime.
Wow, Jimmy, I should have known that a liberal like you would try to turn the lefty like Christ into a martyr.
What are you talking about?
Well, even in the Bible, both sides do it, Jimmy.
Both sides do it.
On the one hand, the Roman Empire brutally crushed any attempt by the Messiah to lead his people to salvation.
But on the other hand, Jesus was rude and disruptive towards the money changers.
Jesus was like the code pink of his time.
Both sides do it, Jimmy.
Both sides do it.
Thus saith the Lord.
Tell me, Luke.
If you could have interviewed Pontius Pilate, would you have been tough on him?
Well, I wouldn't ask any uncomfortable questions about him murdering God's only begotten son because I wouldn't want to lose access.
So even though you're a practicing Catholic, you're not going to come out and say you support Jesus over the Roman Empire.
Jimmy, I told you, both sides do it.
Both sides do it.
I can't come out and say I support Jesus against the Romans because I need to maintain my journalistic impartiality.
Would you agree that the crucifixion was the most notorious case of the death penalty ever?
I just think it's unfortunate that they didn't have standard round laws during biblical times.
You know, maybe Jesus would have had some sort of justification for his actions.
Luke, for the good of mankind, I think we should end this discussion.
Okay.
But I hope you don't think I've been ragging on Jesus.
She and I have a lot in common.
How so?
Well, we both became famous mainly because of our fathers.
Luke Russert, thanks for joining us.
That's Luke Russert.
You know, right, you're so so awesome.
Luke Russert, ladies and gentlemen.
All right.
Good job, Frank.
You know, Chris Hardball is the guy who shamed Phil Donahue for questioning our run-up to the Iraq war, called him un-American.
Called him un-American.
Said, asked him why it sounds like he hates America, him and Michael Moore.
They sound too angry.
They're anti-updates.
Sound like they don't like America.
He said all that stuff on the air to Phil Donahue.
And then he turns around and talks about how much he hated the Iraq war.
So that's the kind of guy Chris Matthews is, right?
And so here he is.
He does this thing at the end of his show.
He called Let Me Finish, which that should be that's really what every guest on his show should say.
That's what he says when he's making love, too.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Anyway, so here's what he had to say.
He was finishing his show the other day, and he had a few thoughts about ISIS.
And I'm going to guess he's going to react to ISIS exactly the way ISIS wishes he would.
Let's see.
Let me finish tonight with this new report of the horror we face.
These tortures and killers of ISIS burned 45 people alive today.
They took them prisoner and embattled Anvar province, loaded them onto a truck, threw gasoline over them, and lit the match.
They burned them alive for the same reason people have done horrors like this over the centuries to punish those who oppose them and to terrify others into bowing before them.
But ISIS has changed the rules of warfare.
They've eliminated the option of capture.
Facing these sadists, you have two choices, run or fight to the death, and hope it is to the death.
Capture becomes too horrendous to consider.
Nobody opts for being burned alive.
I've said this before and have to say it again.
We Americans cannot stand and watch this hell on earth without being affected by it.
If we don't act really active fight, it's going to weaken us morally.
How can it not?
ISIS knows it's got the hot hand and it's playing it to the death.
So now with every new YouTube video, Chris Matthews will call for even more war like he just did.
He's not only beating the drum for war, it sounds like Chris Matthews is doing a buddy rich solo for war.
That was unbelievable.
He's like, ISIS is really bad.
They're the worst thing ever, and I'm really scared.
And if we don't get him, that means we're not moral.
We better go, we better ramp up our bombing of the Middle East.
The people who we've been, by the way, ISIS, people don't really, ISIS became a thing because we got rid of the Sunni-led government in Iraq.
We invaded Iraq.
The Sunnis were in charge.
We got rid of them.
We kicked them all out of the government.
We kicked all the Sunnis out of the army.
So where did they go?
They created Al-Qaeda and Iraq, and then they became ISIS.
So we directly created this stuff, okay?
And so all this is, is so we can continue.
See, we are a shaper of nations.
We are a shaper.
We can continue our nonstop bombing campaign in the Middle East so our military-industrial complex can reap more war profits.
We're spending again, you've seen the statistics.
We spend more on our military than the next 13 countries combined.
There is no freaking enemy out there that we're going to, so our wars aren't going to be fought like, and it's just amazing how much money we're spending.
And here is Chris Matthews beating the drum for war.
Here's what I hear.
Let me play this real quick.
Rules of warfare.
They've lit those who oppose them and to terrify others into bowing before them.
But ISIS has changed the rules of warfare.
They've eliminated the option of capture.
Facing these status, you have two choices: run or fight to the death, and hope it is to the death.
Capture becomes too horrendous to consider.
See, ISIS has changed the rules for war, Edwin.
I don't know if you noticed that.
ISIS has made capture too horrendous to consider.
Not the United States.
Remember when we captured people on the battlefield and then we gave them a nice friendly waterboarding?
Chris Matthews did an entire week of shows leading off with the subject being, does torture work?
A whole week, he did a whole week of shows with the question: does torture work?
And he's saying it's ISIS that has changed the rules of war.
They've eliminated the option of capture.
Capture becomes too horrendous to consider, which is one of the reasons we were against us torturing people because it makes it more dangerous on the battlefield for our soldiers because then the people we're fighting will never surrender because they'll be too afraid to be tortured.
And Chris Matthews is pretending that ISIS changed the rules of war.
We changed the rules of war when George Bush started torturing people.
And then Dick Cheney went on Sunday afternoon television to brag about it in a blue suit.
That's when we changed the rules of war.
And here's Chris Matthews pretending that we've got some, again, we got another enemy that's they're worse than the kamikazes.
They're worse than Saddam Hussein.
They're worse than al-Qaeda.
It's ISIS, the worst thing ever, ever.
So go ahead.
Well, I was going to say, I, you know, I only wish, you know, he, you know, he hates these, what's more harmful, him hating these ISIS videos or him loving the video of Bush in his flight suit in the mission accomplished bombing.
Yeah, what is worse, him doing this or how much he loved, how much he celebrated George W. Bush in that flight suit and how much he glorified war.
That to me was a pretty disgusting thing to look at.
Chris Matthews literally right now is saying the moral thing to do is to engage in yet another round of bombings, even bigger, more, spend more.
Here.
Nobody opts for being burned alive.
I've said this before and have to say it again.
We Americans cannot stand and watch this hell on earth.
We cannot stand and watch this hell on earth.
What can't we?
But apparently, 80 beheadings in Saudi Arabia, we can stand by and watch that because there's no YouTube video of it that we're playing on TV.
So apparently that's okay, but we can't stand by and watch this group of ISIS rebels, terrorists, kill a handful of people, which is what they're doing.
We can't because they're doing it in horrific ways.
They're burning them alive.
We use flamethrowers.
We use flamethrowers in World War II.
We use flamethrowers in Korea.
We use flamethrowers in Vietnam.
We napalm people.
We firebomb Japan.
They're not doing anything that's worse than what we've already done.
And people have written me and said, Jim, you know, your flamethrower comparison.
It's not, it's a false equivalency saying that, you know, because the Japanese that we use flamethrowers on, when we burn them alive in their pillboxes, they had guns and they were fighting back.
Okay, yes, I know that they were fighting back.
But what we're saying is it's not, we don't are not against burning people alive.
No, we dropped the equivalent of napalm on suburbs, Japanese suburbs during the war.
Yes.
It created fire storms.
Yes, that's called firebomb.
We firebombed Japan.
And McNamara in the documentary Fog of War has said that that was a war crime.
And we did it.
How could it not be?
And so, again, this whole thing, this is one big propaganda.
This is an Orwellian wet dream that Chris Matthews is doing.
He's doing exactly what ISIS wants.
ISIS would love.
So Chris says they burn people alive, and we can't sit by and watch this hell on earth.
America needs to do because America needs to right every wrong in America in the world, fix every act of brutality with the act of brutality of our own.
That's how you fix brutality.
You bomb them to show them that the way they're killing people is wrong.
You cut someone's head off, we'll drop bombs that blow your head off.
You burn people alive, we'll break out the white phosphorus on your ass like we did in Fallujah.
We must create more terrorists.
Yeah, I mean, and the fact that no one is saying this in the media is driving me crazy.
Like, there's no one there to talk back to Chris Matthews.
There's no one there to go, hey, we've done all this stuff, and what are you talking about?
This is ISIS wants us to overreact.
ISIS wants a war between Islam and the West.
And that's why they kill people like this.
That's why they videotape it.
That's why they send it to Fox News because they want a war between the West and Islam.
That's what they want.
And guess what?
Foxnews.com, Chris Matthews, the right wing.
Everybody is willing to give it to them.
Everybody is willing to give a...
You know, we can't have this fight against terror if it's going to take so much money away from our war on drugs.
That's an important thing for me.
I heard, here's an onion.
That'll make your ISIS water.
Well, Fox was actually really excited with the ISIS video because they finally had a video that got more clicks than BuzzPeak.
Let's listen to Chris Endis thing again.
Without being affected by it.
If we don't act really active fight, it's going to weaken us morally.
How can it not?
ISIS knows it's got the hot hand and it's playing it to the death.
Yeah, and Chris knows about that hot hand because it's up his ass as he puppets what ISIS wants him to say.
Those sentences are all complete nonsense.
And nothing Brian Williams has said is anything where near as bad as what Chris Matthews just said is way more reckless, irresponsible, deleterious to the health of the enemy.
Brian Williams is sitting home in his Connecticut mansion, but Chris Matthews still gets to go on the air and say crazy shit like that.
Yeah.
You know, it was our military action that created ISIS.
Let's see if we can create more ISIS.
I guess that's what he's saying.
I'm sorry, but this is the guy who talked about how great Bush's speeches were, his state of speeches.
He compares them to Churchill.
He said, we are all neocons now.
Why is he allowed on TV?
Because he's cheerleading in favor of the status quo.
He's cheerleading in favor of the powerful.
He always is.
Believe me, he will never go against the power.
Chris Matthews will never, ever.
He's for Chris Christie when he's up.
He's against Chris Christie when he's down.
Yes.
He's going to bring some much-needed common sense, a real working man, a man of the people, who is really going to do great things for the Republican Party.
And then the tides turned, the direction of the wind blew, and Chris Christie, I mean, and Chris Matthews went in that direction, like he always does.
In fairness, Jimmy, pretty much everybody is against Chris Christie when he's down.
Because he's a big man.
Oh, okay, I got it.
He is large.
You know, I look forward, but you know, in a couple of years, Chris Matthews, and you know what is going to happen in a few years, he's going to start pointing his finger at everybody else and accuse them of leading us into another pointless war.
Exactly.
Exactly.
And that's, it sounds like an absurd thing, but that's exactly what he did with the Iraq war.
Exactly what he did.
And nobody on, nobody on, people forget that nobody like people like Chris Matthews.
None of these mainstream people ever even came close to speaking out against the war until John Mertha did.
Yes.
When John Mertha came out against it, then suddenly it was okay.
But before that, you would never hear, watching the Chris Matthews show, you'd never hear a dissenting view of what was happening in Iraq.
We were just supposed to support our strong wartime president, George W. Bush.
Well, we know for a fact that Phil Donahue was fired from MSNBC because he was anti-war.
He wasn't pro-war enough.
This is a fact.
We know this.
That's not our opinion.
That's a fact.
That's a fact.
That was revealed.
That wasn't inferred.
That was revealed by a memo that got released from MSNBC Brass that said we got to get Phil Donahue off the air because we don't want to be seen as an anti-war station.
And at the time that Phil Donahue was kicked off the air, Joe Scarborough was on MSNBC trashing anti-war protesters as un-American to his co-host on this particular broadcast, Michael Savage.
An internal MSNBC memo warned Donahue was, quote, a difficult public face for NBC in a time of war, providing a home for the liberal anti-war agenda at the same time that our competitors are waving the flag at every opportunity.
Yeah, and you know, that reminds me, I'm talking about Joe Scarborough and all those people who said that anti-war protesters were un-American.
Why does anybody even care that Giuliani is calling Obama un-American?
Right.
When it was okay with him to call people who went out in the streets to protest the war, that history has proven to be wrong.
It was okay to call those people un-American, and they never took it back either.
And they never took it back.
They never apologized for calling people on him.
Ever, ever, ever.
Chris Matthews has never apologized to Dennis Kucinich or he's never apologized to Michael Moore.
He's never apologized to Phil Donahue.
He's never apologized to the anti-war movement because he pretends he was part of it instead of what he did, which was cheerlead the war, which is what he's doing again.
Yes.
And, you know, it's nice to see, you know, his theory is that, yeah, we've been able to destabilize the Middle East with our military might.
If we can just destabilize the Middle East a little bit more, everything will turn out great.
Yes, exactly.
You know, he just wants more war.
He wants more.
And that's like the general, it's not just Chris Matthews.
If you watch the Sunday shows, it's mainly their so-called foreign policy experts talking about how we have to do more to fight ISIS.
We have to ramp up the war.
There has to be more bombing and killing and boots on the ground.
You hear that all the time, all day on these shows.
Not just Fox, but all of the networks.
Well, it's just like the run-up to the Iraq war.
It's happening again.
There's no counter-narrative being offered on television or in the mainstream news media.
There's no one like me on there saying, are you kidding me?
We use flamethrowers all the time.
Are you kidding me?
We firebombed Japan.
Why are you trying to pretend ISIS is doing this?
Because they know that the American media is manipulated by their military-industrial complex, and they want more war too.
It's good for everybody.
And that's exactly what's happening.
I mean, it's happening right in plain view.
It feels almost exactly like it felt to me during the run-up to the first Iraq war.
Not the first one, but the last one in 2003.
It feels almost exactly like that.
What's that?
I was saying it's hard to keep track of all the Iraq.
Yeah, it's hard to keep track of the time we bombed Iraq, which is which time.
Showbiz is ugly.
Especially because they both happened under bushes.
Yeah.
I mean, Chris Matthews is on board with John McCain and Lindsey Graham.
Yes.
He's not pushing back against them.
He's sounding a lot like them.
He's sounding a lot like Bill O'Reilly, by the way.
He's sounding, how can we stand by and let this more, we got it.
If we're moral, moral people will tell you you got to go to lore.
You got to bomb more people.
By the way, it's their country.
We're not going to get rid of ISIS.
They're SUNYs.
We're not going to get rid of this by bombing them.
That's where they live.
You're listening to The Jimmy Dore Show.
On the phone right now, we've got Governor of New Jersey and presidential candidate.
It's Chris Christie.
Hi, Governor.
How are you?
How are you doing?
Mind your own business.
I'm not in a good mood.
Well, why not, Governor?
What's the matter, pal?
Last night I slept horrible.
My sleep apnea mask.
Your sleep apnea mask?
What happened to it?
I ate it.
Oh, okay.
I didn't know.
I slunk out the hose like a wet spaghetti noodle.
It's just diet that I'm on.
I cut down my eating to three meals a day.
That's better for your health.
Am I right, Governor?
Three meals.
I ate 15 pounds last week.
Well, you should eat healthier foods.
How are you gaining 50?
Eat healthier foods.
Fuck you.
It's not my fault.
It's my glands.
It's your glands.
Come on.
You're not going to blame your glands.
In the middle of the night when I'm sleeping, my glands go down to the fridge.
She eats everything good.
When I'm in the middle of a press conference, my glands are on the phone order at pizza.
I'm a victim, Jimmy Daw.
Oh, really?
Well, listen, I'm glad that I don't have glands like that.
You know, I understand you just got back from the UK.
What the hell are you doing over in the UK, Governor?
They told me the presidential candidates look presidential when they go over there and talk to shinless slimies in London.
What did you think of London?
How did you like London?
Ooh, chinless limies of London.
What did you think of London, Governor?
It was a gray, filthy, and depressing shithole.
It was like I never left New Jersey.
Ah, ah, I think I saw it.
David Cameron does things smart over there.
Like what?
The banks in London bankrupt the country, and Cameron tells the people it's their fault.
Uh-huh.
And the Miami's believing.
It turns out the Brits are just as stupid as Americans.
Well, listen, they are.
But how did the British people respond to you?
How'd they respond?
They love me.
They love my style.
Really?
They called me massive rancor.
I don't know what that is.
Massive rancor?
I don't think they were saying rancor.
I think you misheard them.
Anyway, oh, you know, you said a lot of stuff about choosing vaccines and parents choosing vaccines for their kids.
And what were you talking about?
You always have to second guess how stupid your GOP bottom is.
Uh-huh.
You have to walk a fine line between not spreading preventable diseases or alienating mouth-breathing paranoids.
Flip-flop, whatever.
Nobody cares.
Yeah, okay, yeah.
I think you belly flop.
But listen, so what are you up to now, Governor?
Getting money from K-Street.
Really?
How's that going?
Getting money from K-Street.
If the money's on the table, I know I have a partner.
If it isn't, I know I know.
Okay, okay.
Washington, D.C. loves me.
I carry a lot of weight in this top.
Yeah, yeah.
You carry a lot of weight in a lot of places.
Put it that way.
Oh, sing.
Jimmy Dore, are you trying to imply that I'm a large man?
No, I'm not trying to imply that.
I'm hearing what Jon Stewart stuff about.
You would like to be the big boss over there.
Uh-huh.
I respect Don Jimmy Dore.
Salu.
Listen, where do you hear that from?
A little birdie told me.
A little birdie.
And I ate that bird.
Okay, listen.
I don't really want to do the daily show.
I like what I'm doing.
Okay, Cloudman.
I got to go.
My glads are getting hungry again.
Governor Chris Christie, ladies and gentlemen.
The big live show is happening Saturday, March 7th at the YouTube Space LA.
YouTube is producing the Jimmy Dore show and their new space and Playa Del Rey at YouTube Space LA.
That's March 7th.
That's a 7 p.m. show.
That's a Saturday.
And you are invited to the big show.
And how do you get to that show?
Well, I'm going to give you tickets if you send me an email at jimmydore at earthlink.net.
Send me an email there.
Put March 7th show in the subject line, and I'll put you on my guest list.
And we're going to have a great time at the YouTube Space in LA.
That's March 7th.
That's a Saturday.
And if you've never been to the YouTube space in LA, it's quite an impressive piece of thing that they built there.
I don't know if that's the best wording.
It's quite a piece of thing they have there.
And so it's quite a facility that they've constructed.
Anyway, so I'd love to see you come down there and watch the Jimmy Dore show live.
That's March 7th.
That's a 7 p.m. show.
And right now, just send me an email at my old-timey email, JimmyDore at Earthlink.net, and we'll get you on the guest list.
I got a phone call from Morgan Freeman.
Called me.
James Doar.
This is Morgan Freeman.
Yes, the Morgan Freeman.
As you know, this is the weekend of the 87th Academy Awards.
The key mission of the Academy is diversity.
They seek to await the achievements of motion picture people, extending the full range from white American males all the way to white British males.
Hey, that call's just getting going.
But you know what you got to do to hear the rest of that?
That's right.
You got to become a premium member.
It's only $5 a month.
That's less than a dollar a week.
I'm pretty sure.
I'm not a math surgeon, but it's less than the price of a cup of coffee, that's for sure.
And it's a great way to help support the show.
And you get access to all the great premium material.
Last week, we've dropped almost a 50-minute premium episode with full jam-packed full of stuff.
I think we had three phone calls on that.
Okay, this week, it's going to be Morgan Freeman and a lot more stuff.
Rush Limbaugh says, no, when no means yes.
And he's going to tell us when no means yes.
And it's exactly what you think.
Okay, so that's also coming up.
And how do you become a premium member?
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Okay, so thanks, everybody, who is a premium member.
And if you're not, get over there and let's get this done.
All right.
And I'll see you.
That's right.
March 7th.
That's a Saturday, March 7th at 7 p.m. at the YouTube Space LA.
YouTube is producing the Jimmy Dore show.
And I guess they're going to put it up on their channel, special promote the show or something.
I don't know, but it's going to be fun.
And so I hope to see you down there.
It'll be Ben Menkewitz will be on that show.
I think Jank Uger will be on that show, plus a couple of surprise comedians.
And if you want to come see that show, that's right.
March 7th, 7 p.m., Playa Del Rey, the YouTube Space LA.
Send me an email at jimmydore at earthlink.net.
Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Mike McRae, Frank Conniff, Mark Van Landuit.
Did some heavy lifting this week.
And also Michael Schirtzer.
All right.
All the voices you know were performed by the one and only, the inimitable, Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcray.com.
All right, that's it for this week.
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