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Jan. 30, 2015 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
I think we have Mitt Romney on the line.
Hello, Mitt.
Are you there?
Hi, Jimmy.
I wanted to call you and wish you the best of luck on your new show with a live audience.
Oh, well, Mitt, that's very nice of you, but I don't know if we're going to have an audience.
Remember what I always say.
If it doesn't work out the first time, just keep trying.
Trying.
Even if people get sick of hearing your name and seeing your stupid fucking face.
That's all I always say.
Okay, Jimmy.
No, I'm not running in 2016, but remember.
What?
I'm a lying sack of shit.
Okay, Ben.
All right.
Thanks very much, buddy.
You're my only friend.
All right.
All right.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you, Kigagi.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's show.
I'm joined in the studio across from me, a hilarious comedian from Team Yasamura.
It's Robert Yasamura.
Hey, Robert, how are you?
The better for your asking, James.
Ohio.
Ohio.
Yes.
Or as we say in California on the way to Santa Barbara, oh hi.
All right.
Across the glats from me from the TYT, the Young Turks, it's our resident Hispanic.
It's Edwin Umanya.
Hi, Edwin.
How are you?
I'm good.
I'm one day older, one day closer to death.
Yeah, fantastic.
And engineering today's show, it's Michael Elliott Spitzer Schertzer, ladies and gentlemen.
Hello, Michael.
Hey, hey, Jimmy.
All right, let's get to some jokes before we get to the jokes.
I don't know if you heard this, but the, you know, there's a congressional committee.
There's a Senate subcommittee on the Constitution, Civil Rights, and Human Rights.
Well, the GOP changed the name of that.
Something more accurate for them?
They changed.
The GOP changed the Senate Subcommittee on the Constitution, Civil Rights, and Human Rights to the Senate Subcommittee on None of the Above.
They actually did change it to the Subcommittee on the Constitution.
Yeah, they changed that.
They really did.
I think we already have a substitute.
It's a subcommittee on the Constitution.
It's called the Supreme Court of the United States.
Yes.
Yeah.
Thank you very much.
They're trying to, I don't know if you noticed there's all the scaffolding around the Capitol dome because they're doing, they're refurbishing it.
And they're restoring it.
And the Capitol Dome restoration, it was delayed because the GOP demanded that the building be shifted further over to the wrong side of history.
I don't know if you watched that.
What was that summit called in Iowa at Steve?
The Freedom Summit.
The Freedom Summit, which is sponsored by Koch Brothers.
100% paid for by the Koch brothers.
They're all about freedom.
Not democracy very much, but they like.
And so Sarah Palin gave a speech that everybody's talking about that she went off the rails.
It was because her teleprompter didn't work.
Yeah, Sarah Palin's teleprompter didn't work during the Iowa speech, so she forgot to say that Obama can't function without a teleprompter.
Also, big fight between Sarah Palin and Bill O'Reilly.
Sarah Palin was outraged that Bill O'Reilly described her political career as a reality show.
And then Sarah Palin demanded that he be voted off the island.
It's a good one.
I don't know if you guys are fans of the Marvel comic movies that they make.
Used to be.
Well, they just revealed, Marvel just revealed the title of the upcoming film.
It's called A Fantastic Four.
This time it might not suck quite as much as all those other times.
And did you hear that they're making an all-female cast of Ghostbusters?
Yeah.
Which is inspiring Hollywood.
A lot of executives now they're inspired.
They're going to make a lot of movies featuring just men.
So that'll be a nice change.
Oh, so are them.
Yeah, nice change.
By the way, last week, Chris Christie, very busy week for Chris Christie.
He spent a couple of days frantically hoarding and stocking his shelves with food.
And then he heard that blizzard was coming.
And after Chris Christie was told that the blizzard was on its way, he replied that he'd also like a peanut buster parfait and a dilly bar.
Yeah, I know.
Making fun of Chris Christie.
They say, oh, that's low-hanging fruit.
It is not.
Making fun of Chris Christie is low-hanging, high-fructose corn syrup.
Okay.
In anticipation of the storm, they closed for the first time ever the New York subway system.
And everybody was like, hey, now where are people supposed to pee?
And, you know, considering all the sodomy happening on the East Coast, I'm surprised God isn't hitting them with even a bigger storm.
Oh, yeah, that's.
Oh, speaking of the Iowa, what was it called?
The Freedom Summit?
You know, that's the thing about Iowa.
You know, the Iowa farmers, they shovel lots of cow manure every day.
And now, with the GOP Hopefuls going to their state for the Freedom Summit, they've got to clean up tons of bat shit also.
Hey, what's coming up on today's show?
We're going to look into some of the media coverage of the almost blizzard in New York City.
Plus, we're going to take a look at a preacher from Florida is punching his way through redemption.
So we're going to talk to him about that.
Plus, Scott Pelly sat down with John Boehner and Mitch McConnell, and the stuff they said just might surprise you.
Or will it?
We had phone calls today from Rick Perry.
Drunk Bill O'Reilly calls in.
Ted Cruz calls in.
And Chris Christie.
That's all today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
Time for another installment of Oh My God.
So today's Oh My God segment, we're going to go to, you know, I don't know if faith is a good thing or not.
I mean, I, you know, I have my prejudices, sure.
But I can say that pretty uniformly, that the endeavor to teach faith is problematic.
Sure, okay.
And as this, here's a pastor, Eric Dammon, D-A-M-M-A-N-N.
Two N's.
Wow.
He's really, he really wants you to see.
He's very serious about his consonants.
Yeah, Dammon.
Now, he's from Florida.
Not surprising.
And here he's going to give us, he's going to talk about how he brought somebody to Christ.
Here we go.
Ready?
Sure.
There was a young man in Calgary.
His name was Ben.
And I was running to YouTube.
I was there for a few years.
He was just, he was a nice kid, but he's one of those kids that was always just, he's a real smart Alec.
Was a bright kid, which didn't help things, right?
Made him more dangerous.
I went outside one day, youth group, and he was just trying to push my buttons.
And he was just, you know, first of all, let's just back it up for a second.
Let's just say what he already said.
Yes.
Intelligent school kids, they're a problem for religious leaders.
Intelligence and questioning bad, following rules, good.
Good.
Right.
Okay.
And how do we resolve this issue?
So how do we resolve this issue?
Here we go.
How do you resolve this smart kid?
Made him more dangerous.
Yeah.
And we were outside one day, youth group, and he was just trying to push my buttons.
And he was just, you know, kind of not taking the Lord serious.
And I walked over to him and I went, bam!
I punched him in the chest as hard as I crumpled him.
Punch him in the chest.
You did not see that coming, did you, Edwin?
He's like, well, how am I going to get through this kid for Jesus?
I know.
I'll punch him as hard as I can.
To be fair, Jesus Christ was a huge proponent of child abuse.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll punch him.
And I went, bam!
I punched him in the chest as hard as I could.
I crumpled the kid.
He crumpled the kid.
And he's proud of this.
He's proud of this.
He's admitting this.
There's tape of it.
He's bragging.
He's bragging.
Yeah, he's bragging about it.
In a church.
In a church.
He should be investigating.
He should be taking a jail.
Yes.
Yeah.
Let's listen to the rest.
I just crumpled him.
He leaned over and said, Ben.
He just crumpled him.
He just crumpled them.
And I walked over to him and I went, bam!
Bam!
I punched him in the chest as hard as I crumpled the kid.
I just crumpled him.
I leaned over and I said, Ben, when are you going to stop playing games with God?
Hey, God, he's got more to say.
Listen.
Games with God.
I led that man to the Lord right there.
Yes.
Hey, what was this guy's ministry?
Abu Grabe?
He led him to the Lord because he killed him.
You know, to be fair, Edwin, this guy also suggests you fix a dripping faucet by hitting it.
So it's really part of a bigger philosophy.
It's really part of a bigger philosophy.
And he has a hand, but he has a pamphlet out, Choke Holds for Christ.
You know, I don't know if you taught that kid, if he taught that kid faith so much as a healthy fear of male authority figures, right?
I mean, that kid probably went home and played My Name is Luca over and over in his bedroom.
Am I right?
My name is Luca.
That's my name is Jesus.
That's from the late 80s, I'm right.
That's a deep cut.
That's a deep cut.
You got to know your pop culture.
You know, yeah.
Haven't been a lot of child abuse songs since he is bragging about what is usually the second act turn in an after-school special on child abuse.
And he's talking about like it was a Mayweather fight, too.
Not like, you know, a child.
Yeah.
He's like, I crumpled that kid.
I just want you to know.
I crumpled a youth.
A child laid him out.
Yeah.
He had no shot.
Yeah.
He led that man to the Lord right there.
Or he led them to, he led him to a Texas bell tower with a duffel bag full of rifles.
What the hell was what the hell, Jesus?
What Jesus are you praying to that told you to punch a child in the chest?
I assume it's some buff BDSM type of Jesus with a tattoo that reads, kill them all, let my dad sort him out.
The type of Jesus that does CrossFit, maybe?
Maybe.
Sure.
When are you going to take the Lord seriously asked that kid?
When are you going to take the Lord serious?
Well, when you start using adverbs properly, maybe.
Also, when the Lord doesn't send the bad lieutenant to deliver his message, that might be a good starting place.
Sure, this guy's a douche, but this guy is kind of fierce.
He's an uncompromising sense of right and wrong that we'll need when the zombie apocalypse happens.
Let's hear it again, just before we get.
This has got to be my favorite thing ever.
There was a young man in Calvary.
His name was Ben.
And I was running a youth group.
I was there for a few years.
He was just, he was a nice kid, but he was one of those kids that was always just, he's a real smart Alec.
Was a bright kid, which didn't help things, right?
Made him more dangerous.
And we were outside one day, youth group, and he was just trying to push my buttons.
And he was just, you know, kind of not taking the Lord serious.
And I walked over to him and I went, bam!
I punched him in the chest as hard as I crumpled the kid.
I just crumpled him.
I leaned over and I said, Ben, when are you going to stop playing games with God?
I led that man to the Lord right there.
Yes.
Did I say youth group?
I'm in prison.
I like how he was a boy when he got punched, but a man once he found God.
Yeah.
That boy I crumpled.
I physically crumpled him.
I'd hit him so hard.
A boy.
Yeah.
A boy.
I crumpled him.
Oh, by the way, he is from, it's a Baptist church in Hasbrook Heights, New Jersey.
Oh.
Yeah, Hasbrook Heights, New Jersey.
Yet another reason not to go to New Jersey.
Yet another reason.
Is God a mob boss?
That's what he's making him out to be.
This is from God.
You're pissing off God.
He wants me to send you a message.
God wants his money.
I'm sorry.
It would be great if his next story was.
So there's another kid who's pissed me off.
I killed his dog and put his head in his bed.
I led that kid to the Lord right now.
I led that kid to the Lord.
Jesus really hopes nothing happens to your kneecaps.
Yeah, yeah.
I had another kid, really smart.
He was an honors kid.
I knew he was going to be trouble.
Yeah.
Because he saw through everything.
Sure.
So what I did was I stabbed him with a screwdriver.
Buried him in the metal lens.
I said, Jesus says hello.
I said, Jesus says hello.
This has been, oh my God.
Oh, my God.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
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And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Thank you.
So I was watching the coverage of the blizzard that was supposed to happen in New York City.
It happened in Boston and Connecticut, but it didn't happen in New York City.
They only got, what did they get, 10 inches of snow or 12 inches?
Nothing nearly as bad as what they were predicting.
Right.
So, but they still sent the reporters out into sand in the snow.
And they all stand out in the, Even on MSNBC, Chris Hayes was out in the snow.
CNN had people.
Everybody had people that, and I think I was like, why did they do that?
And I think it's because if they didn't have a guy standing in the snow, you would think it was a trick and that it wasn't really cold and snowing outside.
So they have to think they were lying, right?
And that's why they send people out.
Why do they send reporters out to the snow?
I trust you.
It's snowing.
I don't need to see a guy standing in a snowbank to understand that it's snowing.
Can't they just pen the camera to the window?
Just put it to the window.
Look, it's snowing.
It's snowing.
Yeah.
Look, it's snowing.
You guys have satellites.
You have a radar.
I could watch it on there too.
No, so here's basically what the coverage sounds like.
Here's one guy.
I'm watching NBC and they got him standing out in the middle of nowhere and next to a highway, but far from the highway.
And here's what he had to say.
If you look around, we, you know, kind of eyeballing, we've got about a, oh, I don't know, six or seven inches or so.
So now he's just kind of like looking around.
If you look around, there's snow here.
I guess we have like six or seven inches.
Looks to me to be like six or seven inches.
Yeah, it's really cold out.
Up there, you can see maybe if you can pan up there quickly, you can see a line of blinking lights go by.
Those are convoys of snow plows.
So he's pointing like up a hill and you see through a blizzard of snow, you see like maybe a blinking light go past and he's like, oh, guess what that is?
Lights go by, those are convoys of snowplows and they're moving easily and freely and which means the roads are clear, there's no traffic.
They're letting us know that the snowplows are having a good, they're moving easily.
I was wondering, hey, how the snow plows get around.
Traffic is good.
I don't think it's clear.
How's traffic doing?
Because no one's out there.
How is that going?
Because we've all been ordered by law to stay off the opposite direction.
The trucks were banned on the highway from 4 o'clock in the afternoon.
And motorists have been banned since 11 o'clock tonight.
And it seems that people are heeding the warnings.
But we'll see.
That guy just guaranteed his job for another five years because he proved he can talk about nothing.
Nothing.
You're exactly right.
You're exactly right.
And to talk about nothings, they had some young women who were auditioning for reporters on MSNBC.
I'm not kidding.
I'm figuring, I'm deducing that that's what was happening because they had this one, she looks very young, early 20s, female, and she was at the salt depot in Manhattan where the trucks are picking up salt.
And so listen to her first report.
This is her first report.
But right now we're standing in front of the sanitation department's hub where they're holding tons of salt here.
And so we have many trucks and we have 2,300 trucks that are being deployed throughout the entire New York region, throughout the five boroughs.
No, no, it's like, then it sounded like somebody had a talk with her, and they were like, you just can't say we have tons of salt.
You have to really get into it.
You can't just say we have 2,300 trucks.
You have to really, really say it.
Now, how much salt do we?
So then the next time they came back to her like 20 minutes later, standing in front of the salt depot and she did this.
This is the report she did.
And they have the capacity of some 238,000 tons of salt.
Say, there you go.
It's not just tons, right?
Because at first, at first she said...
Okay, so now it's 2,300,000 tons.
But what, how many trucks?
We have many trucks and we have 2,300 trucks.
Okay, you're not.
You got to really throw yourself into it.
All right.
So I want to really hear it.
Now, here she comes back, the next report.
City officials say that there are some 2,300 vehicles, snow clouds.
Wait, she really leaned into it.
Didn't she?
Well, let's listen to it.
City officials say that there are some 2,300 vehicles, snow clouds.
She really got in the back of the house.
She got a little Jewish in there.
So they really did.
Someone really did have a talk with her.
Don't you think?
Oh, yeah.
And then she talks about if you want to find out where the snow is being removed in your neighborhood, there's an app for that.
But the way she says it, it sounds dirty because she said it really fast.
Listen to how she says it.
The city has a plow in my C app.
It sounded like she said plow in my C app.
I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
She said the C. But what she's actually listening to.
The city has a plow in my C app.
Oh, no, she's saying.
NYC.
But it really does sound very suggestive.
So here is, I'm watching MSNBC.
They have another guy standing.
This is at like one in the morning.
So they have a guy standing out there out in front of 30 Rock talking about just standing in the snow.
And here is the host.
Her name is, I forget her name, but here's what she said to him.
I'm going to send it back outside right here at 30 Rock.
And Richard Louie, who's been standing out in it, it looks like the snow just continues to come down.
Although earlier, as we were coming into work, I don't know, about a couple hours earlier, there's really nothing going on out there.
But boy, if things change.
So I don't know if you understood what she just said.
She just said, you know, earlier when I was coming into work, there was no snow, but now there's snow now.
Wow.
Isn't it weird that before the snowstorm started that there wasn't any snow?
But now that the snowstorm has started, there's lots of snow.
Can you believe there was ever a time when there wasn't snow happening?
It's like a whole paradigm shift happened out there.
Let's listen to it.
I'm sitting back outside right here at 30 Rock and Richard Louie, who's been standing out in it.
It looks like the snow just continues to come down.
Although earlier, as we were coming into work, I don't know, about a couple hours early, there's really nothing going on out there.
But boy, if things changed.
Yeah, I can't believe that before the storm started, there wasn't any snow.
And that's why I get paid to host this show, ladies and gentlemen.
It's that kind of insight.
Boy, things have changed since before the storm started.
There used to be before the storm, there was no snow.
That happens.
I've noticed, now I'm not a meteorologist, but I've noticed that happens with rainstorms too.
Before the storm will come in, nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
There's nothing all dry.
That's right.
And then all of a sudden you're like, whoa, it's not dry anymore.
So this is what happens when they make them have to do weather reporting for 24 hours straight.
They just have to start saying things that don't make any sense.
And a couple of cable stations thought it was a good idea to put a reporter in a car during a blizzard and drive around and drive around on snow-packed streets during a blizzard.
On CNN, they did it.
And I'm sure that they got really a professional driver to drive through that stuff, right?
Let's see.
Credit to our engineer, Kidani, who's driving us safely through these streets.
Oh, their engineer.
Oh, they had their intern do it.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Their engineer is driving an SUV in a blizzard while they're doing a news report.
That sounds pretty safe.
Now, MSNBC thought it was a good idea to have not an intern or an engineer drive the reporter around, but they had the reporter drive and do the report at the same goddamn time.
I guess they're trying to save a little money over at MSN.
They don't have the budget of CNN.
And here's what she says.
Well, We just see a car in front of us.
If you can take a shot of the camera that we have mounted on our windshield, you'll see some taillights up ahead.
So they go to the camera they have mounted on this the dashboard that's looking through the windshield and you can't see a damn thing because there's ice on the windshield.
You can't see anything.
You know, because it's a snowstorm and you're in the middle of it.
And she's and she's driving.
And that's okay.
And trying to direct their camera work at the same time.
And then they start to realize, yes, she's trying to do a news report.
So then they start to realize, hey, maybe this isn't safe.
And they start to say it.
Listen.
It's getting harder and harder to drive out here.
And do a news report, do you think?
The ice is building up on our windshield.
They're saying it like they're scientists doing an experiment instead of idiots out driving in a blizzard.
Instead of idiots driving in a blizzard for ratings, which is what they are.
Look, she sounds like they're doing some kind of experiment.
You know, it's getting harder and harder to drive out here.
It's the ice is building up on our windshield wipers and on the windshield.
It's a very thin, fine, wet, icy snow that we have out here.
You know, the kind of stuff you shouldn't be driving in.
The scientists are back in the control room with their little clipboard.
Yeah, so it's getting icy.
Exactly.
Okay, she's getting it out.
You have to gather that empirical data.
Yes, because I would have never believed her.
Yeah, I didn't know what a snowstorm was like.
I had no idea.
I had no.
She has a little bit more.
Heavy, it's slick, and that's making the driving even more dangerous.
Oh, you know what else is making the driving even more dangerous?
Maybe doing a live TV report while driving in a blizzard.
I don't know.
But I get that you have to risk your life to bring us the most useless news reports ever recorded.
Hey, it's getting bad out here in the blizzard to drive.
Oh, thank you.
I would have never known.
I didn't know that it was tough driving during a blizzard unless you put your reporter out there to drive at the same time at the same time.
So then, then the then they go.
Here's back to the CNN guy driving around in the blizzard.
And here's what he starts to realize it's bad.
But these are very unsafe roads.
Well, then I guess you should keep driving.
These are very unsafe roads.
But these are very unsafe roads.
Yeah, like what's happening?
Just a little while ago, we had a plow come right in front of us, run a red light very close to our vehicle, and that just sort of gives you a sense of.
Yeah, it gives you the sense that this is really stupid, reckless, and certainly makes us wide open for a lawsuit.
Yeah, we got.
dude you're not covering the Syrian war we're good not without We understand there's snow.
It's falling.
There's plows out there.
You know what shouldn't be out there?
You driving around getting in the way of the plows.
Yeah.
Well, maybe if there was snow in Syria, they would cover it.
Yes.
Ah, bam.
They asked Shep Smith about this.
And if they told you to drive a Blizzard mobile, and some of our friends across town had to do that, I would trust my gut and say no thanks on that as well.
A guy from Fox News looking down his nose at your reporting.
Think about that.
There's a guy at Fox News saying, you know what, those other news guys are doing was just silly.
Also, a guy who said, preparation is not my long suit.
Yeah, preparation, newsman.
Not your strong suit.
Your long suit.
He said, long, you're right.
He did say long suit.
He didn't even prepare the adjectives for that sentence.
No, he meant the Mormon garment.
Oh, the Mormon?
So now get, no, no, Kennedy asks him for advice because this is her first show, news show, and he says.
Wait, this is Kennedy from MTV.
Oh, okay.
She's a conservative.
She has a show on Fox Business, and here we go.
And she's a knitled.
Yeah, well, Fox, that's why she's on Fox Business.
Right.
Any advice for me for the new show?
Wear less clothes.
Yes.
Not for me, mind you.
Okay, well, I guess he knows what pays the rent over at Fox News.
Sure.
I got a call from Bob.
Bill O'Reilly called me.
He sounded drunk.
Oh.
Jimmy DeWord.
Bill O'Reilly.
Happy Julia, you sushi sucking West Coast liberal pinhead.
Another year or another $30 million.
Can I keep angry old white people watching for another year?
Oh, gee, let me check.
Is the president still black?
Wake up!
I deserve a raise.
Have you been getting a load of what this stitchy Sarah Panel has been saying about me?
When I said it would be like a reality TV show if she ran for president, I meant it as a compliment.
Old did I fan the star of the three reality TV shows?
I'm sorry, Your Majesty.
Keep your wig on.
I'm glad I voted for Obama, not Cabbage Fetch Face McCain and her.
I mean, have you seen Fox News?
Elizabeth Hasselbeck told me it was when she was eating worms on camera that she wanted to raise journalistic standards on daytime loose.
Did I ever show you my audition tape for survivor?
I was robbed.
Sarah Pale reminds me of my bitch whore of an ex-wife.
Always yak, yak, yaki.
Never shuts a stupid face and listens.
I can't believe she left me.
Okay, fuck face.
I hope you and your family get buried alive in the tear storm of the century.
No spin zone.
Fuck you.
Do it live.
Buy my book, Killing Coco.
You love me.
And he just passed out, I think.
Sounds like he just passed out.
Yeah, Bill O'Reilly drunk.
Thank you, Bill.
Hey, I hope you're enjoying today's show.
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Thanks, everybody who already does that.
And thanks, everybody Who's going to do that coming up in the second half?
Let's get to that second half because we got phone calls from Chris Christie.
We got Ted Cruz calling in.
Rick Perry calls in in the second half, and we're going to talk about 60 Minutes did a great job of providing a platform to Mitch McConnell and John Boehner to spew completely bullshit right-wing, unbelievably mind-bending, jaw-dropping talking points without being challenged or debunked.
That's on in 60 Minutes.
Let's get back to the second half of the show.
Hi, welcome back to the Jimmy Door Show.
I'm joined in the studio by a hilarious comedian from Team Yasamura.
It's Robert Yasamura.
Also from the Young Turks, it's Edwin Umanya.
And coming up in the second half, I'm going to have a phone call from Chris Christie.
We got a phone call from Ted Cruz coming up.
And in fact, right now, here's a call from Governor Rick Perry.
Jimmy!
Hey, there, Sugar Vines.
This is Rick Perry, Peter President of the United States of America.
Hello.
Oh, what a wait.
I can't believe those judges wouldn't dismiss those felony charges against me.
And they were Republican Texas judges, too.
I can't understand it.
Bro, pitching and catching on the same thing.
I bet they were boys who liked Bush.
Gross.
I was just doing my office demands.
Texans expect a governor to harass a Democrat unless he's out of office.
What's the deal, man?
This indictment looks cute now, but whatever, I'm going to remain defiant and fierce.
Fierce.
This drama ain't going to stop me becoming the next Republican nominee for president right now.
My pollster tells me that law and order Republicans don't mind voting for a candidate with felony charges.
But it scares the money man away.
And I spent my entire life trying not to scare men away.
Hello.
Speaking of man, I have to pick out a runner might accompany me on a campaign trail.
He has to be handsome and discreet.
Young.
I just want somebody I can mentor and guide.
He'll be my ward.
We'll be like Batman and Rob around the country polishing the bully pulpit together.
God damn, I can't see anything in these glasses.
It's giving me a headache.
Jay, I thought we were going to hang out.
I know how pro-business I am, and I have a stimulus plan for you.
I can teach you about rough trade.
Okay, Dreamboat, you're the little Rick and he's a scoop.
I'm late for an explorative meeting at a truck stop in Amarillo.
Give the kisses.
Hang it down to our head.
Okay.
So, according to the usual economic indicators, the economy has really come back since the collapse in 2008.
Now we have low unemployment, booming stock markets, record corporate profits.
So it seems that the economic collapse and the ruin of our economy that the GOP promised would happen under a socialist president named Barack Obama was a bunch of BS.
So Scott Pelly at 60 Minutes sat down with the two GOP leaders, Mitch McConnell and John Boehner.
And, you know, if you would have told me, hey, we're going to put two old white men in a room and ask them questions, I would assume it was for comedy purposes.
You know, to hear their incredibly outdated ideas and their casual racism.
And though this was not Scott Pelly's express purpose, the effect seems to be the same.
Here he points out all the good economic news to John Boehner and Mitch McConnell.
And get ready, buckle up.
Here's Mitch McConnell's response.
Things are getting better.
But the point is, who is benefiting from this?
This has been a top of the income recovery.
The so-called 1% that the president's always talking about have done quite well.
I don't know if you heard Mitch McConnell, what he just said.
I'm going to play that last part for you one more time.
The so-called 1% that the president's always talking about have done quite well.
Did you hear the way grandpa there just did mental gymnastics and completely changed his position on pretty much everything in order to make the black man wrong?
Hysterical.
Old white people.
You cut it off right before he high-five John Boehner.
Yeah.
Yes.
The socialist Obama is always talking about the 1%, and Mitch and the GOP only have eyes for the poor.
You know, there should be some kind of king of the bullshitters award for that one.
Shouldn't he be nominated at least?
He should be nominated.
He's nominated.
I think that he gets a lifetime achievement right off the bat.
No doubt about it.
I mean, right there, that would put you in the hall of fame of bullshitters.
Oh, yeah.
That's one of the most egregious.
Wait a second.
You were telling me that he was a communist socialist.
He was going to take the rich people's money and give it to the poor.
That's how he's buying votes.
And then there he is sitting on 60 minutes talking to Scott Pelly.
And he just says the most outrageous thing you could ever think of.
I was stunned what he said.
Like, you know, it's hard to, I mean, I do this every week, right?
We do this all day.
Yeah.
It's hard to shock me.
And that was like, I had to replay that.
I'm like, are you kidding?
I called my wife.
I go, did you, did he really just say this?
And Scott Pelly water off a duck's ass to him.
Didn't bother him whatsoever.
He was just like, okay, I'll take that as an answer.
That was what's surprising that he didn't go, wait, whoa.
Yeah.
Yeah, wait a minute.
Do you understand, Mitch, when you say stuff like this?
It makes you sound crazy.
It makes me look like a jerk for letting it go.
And it makes the American public cynical about politics because you're pretending to be the other guy and the other guy, you're pretending the other guy is you and you're pretending you're the other guy.
None of that.
Scott Pelley's like, stop.
I guess I just get to say crazy stuff.
John 60 Minutes.
There you go.
Moving on.
Moving on.
The only reason why that didn't surprise me is because I had watched some of the stuff from the Freedom Summit in which the Republican Party has signaled like we're moving.
This is our new messaging.
Oh, they care about income inequality.
Our nonsense is we care about income inequality and rebuilding the middle class.
The whole like job creator stuff is going to go on the back burner.
And so that's the story that they're going to tell from now on.
And the thing is, is that their constituency will believe it.
Yes, their constituency will.
Well, they'll believe anything.
They believe that Barack Obama is a dictator, even though he keeps getting elected.
He's elected and he can't get any of his policies through.
But they keep calling him a dictator.
The other thing that I recently And they're calling him a dictator.
So go ahead.
I was listening to a guy who just did a biography on Mitch McConnell, and he said, like, you have to understand, Mitch McConnell doesn't care about anything except winning elections.
Yeah, well, he cares about nothing else.
And so that's why Mitch McConnell said that.
I was like, yeah, that sounds like something he'd say.
Like, it didn't surprise me that much.
So here it comes.
So Scott Pelly then asked them about income inequality.
Income inequality a problem in this country.
Is it a problem that Republicans want to address?
Yes.
They want to address it by making it worse.
That's how they want to address it.
They want to get rid of unions.
They want to ship more jobs overseas.
They don't want to raise the minimum wage.
They don't want to do anything.
They want to make it worse.
And Scott Pelley asked somebody, you want to help out with income.
Do you want to pretend you're not who you guys are?
You want to keep doing that?
Because I'll keep doing it.
So here's what he says.
It is.
And frankly.
Okay, let's start from the top.
Here we go.
Equality.
A problem in this country.
Is it a problem that Republicans want to address?
It is.
And frankly, the president's policies have made income inequality worse.
All the regulations that are coming out of Washington make it more difficult for employers to hire more people.
Chief amongst those, I would argue, is Obamacare, which basically puts a penalty or a tax on employers for every new job they create.
Okay, we have our new nominee for the world's greatest bullshitter award.
Yes.
He cares about income inequality.
And the thing that's ruining making it worse is that when now that people who work for a living at minimum wage jobs can now get health care, that's going to hurt.
You know, when someone who's working gets sick and now they have health insurance that's not going to bankrupt them, that somehow makes their economic life worse, according to John Boehner.
I mean, that's quite a load of BS he just laid down.
I haven't heard such a transparent fake concern for the poor since, I don't know, I got to go back three or four seconds when Mitch McConnell just did this.
Mitch McConnell, the voice of the 99%.
Yes.
Oh, yeah, he is.
Oh, yeah.
That's my favorite thing when old white men tell stories that are grossly inaccurate.
You know, like Obamacare is killing jobs or slavery helped black people.
And Stop and Frisk is keeping black men alive.
The same way slavery saved them money.
Yes, yes.
They didn't have to pay for their housing and...
John Boehner, Mitt McConnell just got to say that.
John Boehner just got to say that.
And Scott Peyne.
The fact that they acknowledge that Scott Pelly, what Scott Pelley said, that income inequality is a problem.
The fact that they even acknowledge that is miraculous.
Yes.
I mean, clearly contrary to everything they've said in the last four years.
Right.
They don't care about income inequality.
Their line would be, we care about equality of opportunity.
That's been the Republican and the conservative line for decades now, since Ronald Reagan.
We care about the equality of opportunity.
We can't guarantee equality in outcomes.
That used to be their line.
Right.
But now they see that, hey, the economy's come back.
We're all loading our pockets with millions and billions of dollars.
And the people working in America haven't seen a raise since Ronald Reagan.
So maybe we should try to address this or look like we're addressing it.
That's what they're doing.
Now they're just going to acknowledge it and pretend that they're working on it.
And they know that the news media, like Scott Pelle, is not going to point out that their policies are actually widening the income inequality.
Well, this is actually where Scott Pelley, I think, comes in with a little bit of ammo.
You think?
A little bit of ammo.
Let's hear it one more time.
Let's hear about it one more time.
All the regulations that are coming out of Washington make it more difficult for employers to hire more people.
Chief amongst those, I would argue, is Obamacare, which basically puts a penalty or a tax on employers for every new job they create.
So Scott Pelley, if he, you know, he's from 60 Minutes.
He has all the resources of CBS News.
I'm sure he has a couple assistants, some interns, some researchers.
He could have pointed out that the Obamacare actually does the opposite of what John Boehner just said, because according to the Washington Post and the Tax Policy Center, the Affordable Care Act, Obamacare, subsidies will provide a boost, a boost for low-income people, well over $1,000 a year per household.
It will expand the income of not just the poor, but the middle class as well.
Though a great deal of the benefits will go to lower-income Americans.
That's from Obamacare.
So Scott Pelley could have said that.
He didn't.
He could have said, hey, you know, the New York Times crunched the numbers, and they say the data shows that the law has done something rather unusual in the American economy this century.
It has pushed back against income inequality, essentially redistributing income in the form of health insurance or insurance subsidies to many of the groups that have fared poorly over the last few decades.
That's the New York Times.
That's from the New York Times.
They said that.
So the current, he could have also said, well, you know, your position, the Republican position right now is to repeal Obamacare, which actually helps with the poor with income inequality.
And you're offering to replace that with nothing.
Right.
You're going to replace that with nothing, which means that the Republicans are actually pushing policies that will widen income inequality.
Absolutely.
He didn't say any of that.
He didn't say any of that.
So he could have.
He should have.
He should have been ready for them to say that.
They've been saying that all along about Obamacare.
It's job killing.
It hurts the economy.
He wasn't ready.
He didn't have these facts at his fingers.
That's what kind of bothers me.
You know, like I have these facts at my fingers, and I have zero staff.
I don't have researchers.
I don't have the resources of 60 Minutes and CBS News.
But to be fair, you also don't have Mitch McConnell and John Boehner on your show.
I certainly don't.
And there's a reason for that, which is you'd ask them that.
I would ask.
You're right.
That's why they...
I think that's one of the reasons why they won't come out.
So, Scott, so did Scott Pelly correct, does Pelley correct him about Obamacare in real time?
Let's see what he says.
Let's see what he says.
From the president's State of the Union address, let me ask you.
So he just moved on.
Yeah.
He just moved on.
Okay, got an answer.
Okay, I let you say anything you wanted about the 1% and you guys pretending to be Democrats and pretending the Democrats are Republicans and you're pretending that giving health care to workers has hurts the economy.
Okay, I'll let you just say all that stuff and I won't challenge it because that's what the news corporate news is.
We don't debunk things.
We give it a platform.
What if in Scott Pelley's mind, it's all just rhythmic?
He's like, I say something and they tick, tick.
That's the end point.
I ask the next thing.
Okay, moving on.
Yeah, he has no idea what they said.
So he doesn't respond.
He doesn't rebuff them.
He doesn't debunk them.
He just lets them say he gave him a platform to spew the opposite of the facts and the opposite of truth.
He gave him a platform to do it.
And so then Scott Pelley moves on, and here's his next question.
From the president's state of the union address, let me ask you, dead or alive, raise taxes on the wealthy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
See, there you go.
He asked that question, and he didn't debunk the BS about Obamacare because, you know, the news doesn't debunk stuff anymore.
It leaves that to that important job to late-night comedy shows and the internet.
Somebody's going to play a game.
They're going to play dead or alive.
Yeah, now they're going to play dead or alive.
Here's the debtor.
Here's Scott Pelley's first question, dead or alive.
From the president's State of the Union address, let me ask you: dead or alive, raise taxes on the wealthy.
Okay.
Can I guess?
From the president.
Let's see what he says.
Why would we want to raise taxes on people?
That is a dead.
Dead.
Real dead.
Okay.
Yet again, another favorite thing that White Grandpa does.
He defends the old disproven ideas with a grumpy and dismissive look.
Why would we want to raise taxes on people?
Well, I would say because the Bush tax cuts, which Obama extended, have added hundreds of billions of dollars to the national debt every year.
And now that the economy is doing better, we can afford to rescind those cuts and pay down the debt, you a-hole.
You know, that's the thing you're always complaining about, the deficit and the debt.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Okay, so you want to raise taxes.
He doesn't want to raise taxes.
And Scott Pelley just moves on quickly.
Here we go.
Make community college free of charge.
So here's a net.
We're still playing the game, dead or alive.
He just goes.
Moves on.
Next question, playing the game.
Make community college free of charge, dead or alive.
We've added more debt during the Obama years than all the presidents from George Washington down to George Bush.
And giving away free tuition strikes me as something we can't afford.
I'll put that down as debt as well.
Okay.
Higher education for poor people?
What are we?
A bunch of commie homos?
You think that we're in an information-based economy or something?
Those people, instead of going to community college, go get themselves a good manufacturing job in China.
Pay for poor people that go to college.
We can't afford that, they say.
We can't afford that in America.
We can't afford it.
Who does Obama think we are?
Germany?
Yes, investing in education, according to John Boehner and Mitch McConnell.
Big mistake.
The way you get out of deficits is cutting education because the thing that helps the economy, dumber kids.
Sure, yeah.
That's right.
Hey, not for nothing, but saying the president, and by the way, did you hear what Mitch McConnell said about saying that the president added to the national debt more than any other president is a childlike understanding of how macroeconomics works and ignores just about all contexts, not least of which would be Obama inheriting an economy in free fall while fighting two foreign wars.
Okay, so just put Scott Pelley, not pointing any of this out, just kind of keeps going.
He's got another creature, but they're playing a game, dead or alive.
He's got another debt or alive question.
Increasing the federal minimum wage.
Bad idea.
Dead.
It's a bad idea.
I've had every kind of rotten job you can imagine growing up and getting myself through school.
And I wouldn't have had a chance at half those jobs if the federal government had kept imposing higher minimum wage.
You'd take the bottom rungs off the economic ladder.
And there you have it, Edwin.
That's the line we've all been waiting for.
John Boehner just about said, back in my day, yeah, back in my day, employers used to exploit the crap out of teenagers and poor people, and we liked it.
And by the way, this moment in history is exactly the same as that moment in history in every meaningful way.
So quit your complaining and give me a quarter pounder.
I love that.
I love who he's.
This, again, this, this is the crazy idea that raising the minimum wage will then eliminate minimum wage jobs.
Which has never, ever happened.
Yeah, yeah.
See, when you raise the minimum wage, Robert, then employers no longer employ people to do those minimum wage jobs, which is why every time they raise the minimum wage, McDonald's and Walmart fires everybody and goes out of business.
Oh, it's true, yeah.
Yeah, that's exactly what would happen.
It implies that the current jobs being done by minimum wage workers aren't really necessary to the function of anyone's business because employees will easily eliminate them if they have to pay someone more money to do those jobs, which also implies that the current minimum wage workers are only being employed out of the goodness of their employers' hearts.
Purely as a matter of largesse, really.
Right?
Because they obviously don't need them, because if they had to pay them more money, they'd just get rid of them and their business would keep functioning perfectly.
They don't need a fry cook.
These fries cook themselves, pretty much.
We're just giving Robbie over there a job.
Give him something to do.
Keep him off the streets.
I've heard people say stuff like, you know, I had a business.
I used to hire a couple of kids every summer to come clean out my warehouse.
But now if I have to pay them a higher minimum wage, I won't do it.
And you'll just have a dirty warehouse.
Right.
You just won't ever clean out your warehouse.
It will just stay messed up and dirty.
Yeah.
Well, I would, but I have to pay.
So at the end of the 60-minutes interview, it turns out that the Republicans, Mitch McConnell and John Boehner, are against all the president's policies that would actually ease income inequality.
What?
Wouldn't it be nice if Scott Pelley actually asked them what their ideas are to ease income inequality?
Yeah.
But he didn't, so I guess we'll never know.
Shouldn't there have been an efficiency officer at CBS who went, you know, we could have just read a press statement from those guys and not produced the show.
It would have saved us thousands.
That was amazing.
That was amazing.
Yeah, you're right.
Every question Scott.
So he doesn't, the whole point of interviewing people is you can follow up.
Right.
Again, right again, Robert.
Yeah, exactly.
Why not just submit your questions in writing, have them give you a written answer back?
And then that's the interview.
And just have an intern read it out.
Yeah, then just read it to the camera because that's basically what Scott Pelle just did.
Christy homing is on the phone right now.
It's New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.
Governor, how are you holding up after the big storm?
Oh, that.
Well, as you turn south of the place, it wasn't, you know, a big problem.
Yeah.
Louise's problem.
Because a large part of the storm bypassed your state, correct?
No, because I don't give a shit about New Jersey.
You don't?
Hell no.
I'm fucking Darwin Jersey.
But you're the governor.
I'm aware of that.
And you know what sucks about being governor of New Jersey?
What?
You're expected to live in Jersey.
What a crappy deal.
Governor, are you saying this because your popularity has gone down in your state?
Jimmy, I'm trying to widen my appeal.
The whole country hates Jersey.
And if I'm going to win them over, I have to hate Jersey, too.
But hating Jersey comes easily to me because I had to live in this shithole.
So you're going to run for president, and you're focusing on being popular in the rest of the country?
Exactly.
I've been in Iowa a lot lately.
And if I'm going to win the White House, I've got to idea myself to these stupid backwards-ass country.
Governor, are you aware of what you're saying?
It's called Outreach, Jimmy.
Or in the case of the Koch brothers, it's called an outreach around.
I cut the balls of one brother while I suck you on a brother's dick.
Governor, Jimmy, I'm just letting the world know that I'm serious about being president and that I'm willing to do whatever it takes.
You think this kind of talk will help you nationwide?
Jimmy, I want the whole country to love me.
So I have to let them all know that I love them.
Not just the corn-shucking shitheads in Iowa, but also the toothless inbred retorts in the South.
Not to mention the annual fucking mutant moron in the Rocky Mountains.
Crappy Julie, Snelly, Fenauksa for the Southwest.
I have to make a deep personal connection with all these assholes.
This is what you call charm offensive?
Yeah, that's a good way of putting it, Nick Ed.
I got something else going for me.
What is that?
All the other GOP candidates suck.
Yeah, you have a good point.
Did you see some of the other speeches in Iowa?
Sarah Talin.
She's shouting like a stripper from the Battle Bang in an incoherent Coke Jack.
Michael Goodme.
Who was she kidding with that now on the fat Republican routine?
He stole the hat from me.
Don't get me started a red pool.
If America wanted to be led by an annoying, smug, libertarian, they'd elect Penn Jillette President.
*laughter*
What about Scott Walker?
Well, he sorry, he has so little charisma that I already forget who we're talking about.
Well, Governor, I won't deny that you're the most colorful GOP candidate.
Colorful?
Come on, Jimmy.
Why do you have to break up that one time I hugged Obama?
I had low blood sugar and I was holding on to him because I thought I was going to pass out.
If they're hidden shopping at a cheesecake factory, I would have died right then today.
But I don't just hug black guys.
Didn't everybody see me in the skybox with that Dallas Cowboys owner?
I did.
It was the closest I've ever come to watching Gay Porn.
Jimmy, I know where you're trying to steer this conversation, but I ain't no interest in talking about Legend Graham.
I'm sick of talking about other Republicans, so go to going.
Well, thanks for stopping by, Governor.
Thank you, Fool Face.
All right, that's it.
Chris Christie.
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Thank you.
Okay, I got another phone call from Ted Cruz.
Oh, good.
Welcome to the magical world of Ted Cruz.
Senator.
That's just a little tease because that's all the time we have for today's podcast.
But you can get the premium and you'll hear that Ted Cruz call.
Plus the John Boehner call from last week.
This Sunday is going to be another double episode, right?
So there's lots of stuff happening in the premium content this weekend.
So how do you get that?
You go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
You click on join premium.
You make your donation $5 a month.
That's so reasonable.
I can't even tell you.
So $5 a month.
And if you pay for the whole year at once, we'll give you a month free.
It's only $55 for the year then, huh?
So go to JimmyDoorComedy.com, click on Join Premium, and then you'll get access to all the great extra bonus content that we've been doing for over, I don't know, over a year now, two years, maybe.
We've been doing bonus content.
Okay, so thanks to everybody who does that.
It really helps support the show.
All right, that's it for this week.
I want to say thanks to everybody who wrote this show.
Mike McRae, Mark Van Landuitt, Robert Yasamura, Steph Zamorano, and all the voices today performed by the one and only the inimitable Mike McRae.
Shout out to Sean James, who fixes my computer.
He'll fix your Macintosh computer right over the internet.
He doesn't have to see you.
You don't have to meet him.
Doesn't matter where you are.
You send him an email at MacHelp at SeanJames.com, and he'll fix your computer for you right over the internet.
Okay.
And I don't know if you are a listener to the WTF Mark Marin podcast, but yours truly is a guest this week on that show.
So why don't you check it out?
And you can hear Mark and I tell stories about where I grew up and my family and all that stuff.
That's on the WTF podcast with Mark Marin.
I'm a guest this week.
Okay, that's it for this week.
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