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Jan. 24, 2015 - Jimmy Dore Show
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20150124_The_Jimmy_Dore_Show_1-23-15
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program, the Jimmy Dore Show.
Hey, on the phone, I have former presidential Republican nominee Mitt Romney.
Hey, Mitt.
Oh, hi, Jimmy.
Hey, did you see that jerk of a president the other night?
What?
Why would you say that?
Well, I'm sorry, but the president seemed more intent on winning elections than on winning progress.
He ignores the fact that the country has elected a Congress that favors smaller government and lower taxes.
Yeah, but you're ignoring that he overwhelmingly won two national elections.
Well, yeah, but he lost the midterms badly.
Mitt, he wasn't running in the midterms.
How can you say he lost the midterms when Barack Obama was not running?
Well, technically, that's true.
And rude of you to bring up.
It's rude to point out basic facts.
But the Democrats, but the Democrats did get really whooped in the midterms.
And so that means the president is supposed to ignore two previous electoral victories and do what the Republicans say.
What you call being a good boy.
The Democrats got millions more votes than the Republicans in the midterms.
Did you know that?
The Republicans only won more congressional seats because of the gerrymandering.
You are turning into what we in the Republican Party call a real fact dick.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
Why, because I'm contradicting you?
Yeah, and because you use facts and stuff to do it.
It's totally irrelevant what the facts are, Jimmy, but it's certainly rude.
I don't know.
How is using facts rude, Mitt?
You have to be Republican to understand.
It's like how you have to be a Democrat to understand how my tax dollars being used to fund poor kids' education helps our country.
You don't understand how educating children helps the country, Mitt?
No, I don't see.
What business is that of mine?
Okay.
Okay.
Well, listen, Mitt, I'm glad.
I think we got, again, another insight into why you lost the presidential election.
Show me because I don't get it.
Why did I win?
That was some horse hockey.
Yeah, okay.
Well, listen, Mitt, I appreciate you letting us know that you were offended that the president's speech.
But yeah, it was very offensive.
Okay.
Are you saying goodbye?
Yeah, I think we did all the talking we have to do here.
Okay.
Well, then I'll say goodbye and go fuck yourself.
I hope you get ass piled drive by an elephant who has A's.
All right, there's Mitt Romney, ladies and gentlemen.
Mitt Romney.
Music It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
Up-minded, lowly-lovered lapis.
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper, say it starts talking to T-Vale.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore!
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's show.
I am joined in the studio across from me, hilarious comedian, the winner of the meeting of the year award.
It's Craig Shoemaker.
Hey, Craig.
All that award did for me was heighten the resentment of other comedies.
Yes, it certainly succeeded in the money.
I became that guy.
I became...
That was the hack that year.
Getting into successful as a comedian certainly engenders resentment from every other comedian.
There's no doubt about it.
Next to him, hilarious comedian Fortimer Ryder for the Daily Show and the author of the hilarious book, Morning Remembrance, funny obituaries of real dead people.
It's Ham Radio's Jim Earl.
Hey, Jim, how are you?
Hi, Jimmy.
Deflate my ball.
I dare you.
Deflate my ball.
You don't have the guts.
I don't have the guts.
But I tell you what, if those balls are still deflated after halftime, Jim, you're in trouble.
Keep it clean, will you?
I know.
Across the glass for me from the Young Turks, it's Edward Umanya.
Hey, Edwin, how are you?
I'm doing fine.
I'm glad to be in the same studio with the Love Master.
In high school, they call me the Master Baiter.
All right, all right.
Be my Padawan.
I'll train you.
Running our tech today, our new producer at the Jimmy Door show, it's Michael Elliott Spitzer Schurtzers here, ladies and gentlemen.
Hey, Michael.
And that is my full name on my birth certificate.
I think it says Elliot Spitzer in the middle.
Why?
Because he likes the ladies.
All right.
Let's get to some of the jokes before we get to the jokes.
You know, everybody's making a big deal about how the Academy Awards, there's not a lot of people of color nominated, that they're all white.
It's a bit odd that in 2015, I don't know if you watch the State of the Union, a bit odd that in 2015, it's less unusual to see a black man make the State of the Union speech than an Oscar acceptance speech.
You know, even Johnny and Edgar Winter were taken aback by how white the Oscars are.
That's one of those jokes I don't get.
Really?
He's a row.
They're albinos.
He's an albino musician.
You're still shaking your head.
I get it now why that's funny.
That's hilarious.
They do Edgar Winner did Frankenstein, a great movie, a great.
Yeah, I don't know who I know now why that's funny.
Okay.
I know Edgar Bergman.
Different Edgar.
Very white dummy he had.
I know Edgar.
He could use that as a reference.
Oh, the Edgar the Dummy Married to Joan Rivers.
I knew that, Edgar.
They did have some big surprises, the Oscar nominations.
But no Gene Herschelt Humanitarian Award for Bill Cosby didn't see that coming.
Did you know that?
So right now, we talked about this last week that the Republicans are trying to screw up the disability payment portion of Social Security.
And Ron Paul Rand Paul actually said that half the people who obtain disability benefits do so by gaming the system in cheating, said the noted plagiarizer, Rand Paul.
There you go.
You know, sometimes you have to travel a little bit for the joke, but it was ready for you when you got there.
It was waiting.
And the GOP is they decided to pass another anti-abortion, no federal dollars for abortion, and they had to drop the one about rape because the women in the GOP revolted.
And, you know, only ethnic, the only ethnic outreach on the GOP agenda is a proposal to have pregnant rape victims stand trial before the Spanish Inquisition.
You're going down on the mic.
I like that.
Thank you very much.
He did the joke lean.
Did you say, no, I'm doing the job.
Just in case you don't know where the joke is, I will be leaned into it.
I'm leaning into.
I know this is a radio slash podcast, but I'm still leaning in the studio.
Hey, by the way, it was Martin Luther King Day this week.
Yes, it was.
And, you know, for the GOP, Martin Luther King Day commemorates their struggle to prevent a Martin Luther King Day from ever happening.
You know, Jimmy, Martin Luther King had a dream.
And we've got the cream.
Cream soda, that is.
Martin Luther King cream soda.
Free at last, free at last.
Buy two now, get one free at last.
Martin Luther King cream soda.
You know, many Republicans say that Martin Luther King was a conservative.
They'll also tell you that Mahatma Gandhi was a foodie.
*laughter*
You did get that.
He was a closer.
You know what?
When people misspell words, it used to seem cool.
And now people are mispronouncing words.
Did he just pronounce a word to sound cool?
No, he didn't.
Anyway.
What's coming up on today's show, Craig?
That's the important question.
We're going to talk about the president of the States of the Union speech and his big burn and what we taught and what it was very disappointing to me.
Everything was.
We're going to talk about it.
Plus, the GOP's Spanish translation of their response.
That happened.
They're making outreach to Spanish speakers.
We're going to talk about that.
And a lot, a lot more.
Oh, phone calls.
We got phone calls today from Mitt Romney, John Boehner.
Oh, and Liam Neeson calls in today.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
Okay, so we all watched the State of the Union speech.
If you didn't watch it, you didn't miss much.
Everybody seemed to like it except me.
Here was the best part of the speech for me.
It was a part everyone liked the most.
Here, I'll just play it for you.
Barack Obama talks about how he doesn't, he's not running.
Again, he doesn't have any more campaigns to run.
And then some of the people, the Republican side of the room, starts to applaud that he's not going to run anymore.
And Barack Obama gets his big snap in, right?
I have no more campaigns to run.
My only agenda.
I know, because I won both of them.
Bam!
Snap!
Bam!
So he just goes right at that.
I know because I won by.
Then he likes, he turned his head.
You got to watch him turn his head when he does that.
That's like the bam, I just nailed that joke.
That's like me leaning in.
He didn't go far with the joke.
There was no Nancy Myers references.
You didn't have to think about it.
It just hit you in the heart.
He should have done a head bob and went, mm-hmm.
He should have.
He should have, but he's the president, so he couldn't do that.
Anyway, so that was the big moment.
And of course, a lot of the Republicans were upset.
They're like, oh, my God.
Everyone's very upset.
It's like, oh, it was he wasn't being not inspirative of bipartisanship, and he's still trying to, he's still trying to one-up people because of that.
David Brooks.
Yeah, David Brooks.
Numbskull.
David Brooks.
Yes.
Did you hear what he said?
Yeah, he's like, because I don't think he's earned it.
He hasn't earned it.
I love that they're talking about decorum, the same party that yelled out, liar.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Nothing screams bipartisanship like a loud applause when you say you're not running anymore.
I mean, FDR, his State of the Union addresses and speeches was like a riot compared to Barack Obama's.
You know, most of Barack Obama's just very, yes, very conciliatory.
So they talked about how this was it.
He talked about vetoing things.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did not President Reagan say, go ahead and make my day, give me a bill that I want to veto?
That he was going to be the big veto guy.
In fact, I remember him in ceremonies, people giving him huge pencils that said veto on it.
That was like his thing for a little while.
And at the State of the Union, he said, make my day.
I'm pretty sure that that happened.
I'm not gonna fact check myself on this.
'Cause if it's wrong, it's...
Right?
Okay, good.
Go ahead.
Make my day.
Make my day.
That's kind of similar to like Mr. Gorbachev tear down.
Yes.
He was always making those, like, he thought he was an actor again.
Yes.
And so that's what I'm referring to.
So you do remember that he said that.
Go ahead.
So that's what that referred to.
Go ahead, Make My Day was.
Go ahead, send me a bill that I could veto.
So, okay, so now Barack Obama, I felt like his speech, just to give a broad overview, is that it didn't really have big ideas.
He talked about middle-class economics and helping middle-class people.
But as we all know, that the recovery has not helped irregular people.
Yes, there's more jobs.
We now have a lower unemployment rate, but guess what?
Those jobs are poor-paying jobs.
They're lower-paying jobs.
And the middle class is not coming back.
All the gains from this economic recovery are going to the upper 1%.
We know these things.
So that's my problem with his middle-class economics work.
It just so happens that the economy is doing better for corporations, for Wall Street, right?
For the military-industrial complex.
It's doing gangbusters, but it's not doing great for regular people, right?
So, and then he wants to, he touted a trade deal.
We'll talk about that.
But his big, it seems to be the big idea that everybody's been taking away from the speech was that his proposal to make community college free.
So he wants to make community college free, which, boy, that's a big idea, huh?
So I don't know.
FDR re-regulated the banks for 70 years, started Social Security.
He's going to give us community college.
I guess that's a big deal.
LBJ gave us the Civil Rights Act and he gave us Medicare.
Barack Obama's going to give us community college.
Even Nixon.
Started the EPA.
EPA, exactly.
Barack Obama.
It's heavy.
I guess Barack Obama did give us Obamacare, which is the Republicans' health care plan, which is nice.
So at least it was nice.
It was nice to do that.
But they'll repeal in seconds.
That they're trying to.
Exactly.
So he's proposing, and by the way, this is how much it would cost to make community colleges free.
You know how much it would cost?
It's a $60 billion proposal that provides grants to pay 75% of the average cost of community college for two years, and participating states will be required to cover the rest.
So $60 billion, but that's over 10 years.
So I don't know how to do the math on that.
But $60 billion into 10 years, that's like a little more than $5 billion a year.
So everybody could go to community college for free.
That seems like a bargain.
That seems like a bargain to me.
Am I wrong about this?
I don't know.
We can't start another war if we do that.
Yeah.
We cannot afford another war.
If kids are going to college.
You got to make choices.
So here's Steve Ducey, where I'm watching Fox and Friends and Friends and Friends.
And Steve Doocy, he's a little upset about this.
They're a little upset about that.
Barack Obama wants to make community.
First of all, when I tell people, and I'll say this every week, college used to be free in California.
It was free up until Ronald Reagan.
And Ronald Reagan started charging fees and tuition for kids to go to college in California.
And when they asked him why he's doing that, he said, why should I subsidize people who are going to vote against me?
So that was the start of the, that was the beginning of the march against intellectualism in America.
My dad went to Stanford for $35 a quarter or semester.
Really?
Yeah.
Your dad went to Stanford.
Yeah.
For that amount of money.
It was nothing.
Yeah.
He's so pinned off his debt.
So here's Steve Ducey.
Listen, it's a good question, Edwin.
Here's what Steve Ducey on Fox and Friends and Friends had to say about this.
Here's the thing that really bothers me about this.
What?
I made my final two college tuition payments about two weeks ago.
You're speaking from the heart of dad and manta.
I just love when white guys make it about I. Yeah.
When they tell their I stories.
Yes, exactly.
Things that we have to have empathy for.
I didn't have, by the way, I had to walk to school backwards in the snow.
Why should they get a bus?
Things like that.
Right.
It's like, no, so Steve Doocy said he just paid off his student loans two weeks ago.
He's 58 and he went to the University of Kansas.
The only way that could be true is if he went to the University of Kansas for 30 years.
Without community college, where would Fox News get their women?
That's a feeding ground.
I'm serious.
I looked it up.
He went to the University of Kansas and he said he just got done paying off a student loan.
University of Kansas only costs about $10,000 a year now.
So 30 years ago or 35 years ago when he went to college, he's still, so he's just making stuff up.
And by the way, he didn't go to a community college.
So this wouldn't affect him either way.
Exactly.
He went to a university.
So this wouldn't be, and that's that old, we were just talking about.
That's that thing of, hey, we didn't have free community college when I was a kid, so why should they have it now?
No one's ever said that about good government programs.
Don't even go, hey, you know, like in the 30s, hey, my parents didn't have Social Security.
Why should we have Social Security now?
It's the white outrage and the false equivalencies, and it's just so ridiculous.
It's the white people who are afraid somebody might get something that they didn't get, right?
Yeah, I like when people go back in history.
It's like, hey, this didn't happen back then.
You also were at separate water fountains.
You want to go back to that too?
Really?
I mean, it's just, it never makes any sense.
I'm so ashamed to be white that I'm leaving.
So here's what Elizabeth Hasselbeck has to say about it.
They're feeling the same way.
Wait a second.
Now we're paying for more college tuition for somebody else to the tune of $60 billion.
What a great deal, but who's going to pay for that?
But it's only, we're talking.
I just thought that whole thing, who's going to pay for that?
They never ask that question when they want to bomb ISIS, when they want to give an oil subsidy, bail out Wall Street.
They never go, who is going to pay for this?
It's only when, who's going to pay for this when we're actually going to give college to American people for free?
By the way, this isn't a cost.
This is what's known as an investment.
Yeah.
Right?
So you're investing in America.
You're investing in the people in America by educating them.
That's going to pay for itself backwards.
That's not a cost.
You know, when you put money in a savings account in a bank, you don't go, oh, what did it cost you to put that?
No, it's making you money.
That's why you do it.
You're investing that money.
So that's, again, another, and they love to, they love to make it into a wedge.
Oh, white people, you're going to be paying for college for some poor brown person.
That's what this, that's what that is.
Let's listen to a little bit more.
Talking about, Steve, your family did not co-choose junior college.
So you would have to be afraid.
It was free, Brian.
They might have.
Right.
But look, the bill's going to end up on somebody's plate, and it's the American people.
You just got a new kid and you're paying for his college tuition.
So again, they're so upset that somewhere there might be someone that gets to go to college and that it's more that you shouldn't, by the way.
They're against it.
They're against people.
They're for impediments to college.
They're for putting a barrier in between education and poor kids.
That's what they're all about.
They don't ask that somebody else is not going to have to pay for some pork kid to go to college.
Can you believe that?
No, you're going to pay for some poor kids to go to college.
Wouldn't you rather pay her to put them in prison?
Because that's what I'd rather do.
They never say that, by the way.
We're going to get the money for this prison construction.
They never ask, they never say that.
Where are we going to get the prison construction money?
Where are we going to get the bomb money?
They never ask these questions.
Because if you ask it, that's an American.
You're unpatriotic.
Yes.
You start questioning that.
Yes.
But again, questioning where are we going to get the money to send someone to school?
The richest country in the goddamn world can't afford to send its own citizens to school.
And she wants you to get upset about it.
Elizabeth Hasselbeck wants you to be angry that you're a nice white person and you have to pay for somebody else's college.
Oh my God.
Again, do you want to pay for somebody's education, some kid's education, or his death row?
That's what we're saying, or his prison.
It costs $35,000 a year to put somebody in prison.
Would you rather spend a couple hundred dollars and send them to college every semester?
And by the way, that money goes back into...
And say, ha ha.
You know, they finally reach an end.
Yes, yes.
I'm not saying it's a good thing.
Right.
But you are saying that the graduation rates are up.
Yes.
Now, if you take out, if you have to take out a loan to go to college, what that means is you have to then pay that loan back.
So instead of making a $500 a month payment to Sally Mae or some bank in New York or Connecticut or wherever, you can now take that money and, I don't know, buy a car, pay your rent, go to a restaurant, buy some shoes.
What I'm saying is that money goes back into the economy instead of going into a banker's pocket somewhere.
So that's why, again, why this would be a good thing.
It's good for the economy.
But of course, any government program that actually helps people, they're going to be against that, Fox and Friends and Friends and Friends and Friends.
Because you can't, government helping people, that's borderline immoral.
They don't want any money going into the system from the ground up because that would destroy their ultimate dream of having a feudal system, feudal society of itinerant farm workers living off the land that they have to pay rent on and can never leave because they can't afford a car.
Pretty soon, women won't be able to drive anymore like Saudi Arabia.
We can only hope.
You can only hope.
So here's Steve, Brian Killmead ends it with this.
By the way, I just don't understand the word free.
Nothing is free.
Because he didn't go to college.
Yeah, if you went to college, maybe you'd understand what Free meant.
And I have a program that can help you go for free, Brian.
By the way, Steve Doocy went to the University of Kansas.
He got a journalism degree.
Ironically, he got his B.S. in journalism.
He's putting it to good use.
Yeah.
Okay, so now Barack Obama spent a lot of the speech asking people to come together.
He kept doing it.
well, here's one, here's, and I think it's a fundamental flaw.
And not only Barack Obama, but liberals in general.
It's they don't want to delineate the differences between them and their opponent, right?
Which is the Republicans are great at it.
They know who they are.
Lower taxes, less government.
They know it.
Anti-gay marriage, anti-abortion.
They know who they are.
You can wake a Republican out of a sound sleep, say, what does it mean to be a Republican?
He could tell you, less government, lower taxes, anti-abortions, screw the gays.
He could tell you, right?
And immigrants too, by the way, and immigrants.
And screw the immigrants.
And old people.
And everybody.
Yeah.
And entitlement programs, except the ones that entitle defense contractors, Wall Street and corporations.
So, well, here's a little bit of Barack Obama's speech about that.
Over the past six years, the pundits have pointed out more than once that my presidency hasn't delivered on this vision.
How ironic they say that our politics seems more divided than ever.
It's held up as proof, not just of my own flaws, of which there are many, but also as proof that the vision itself is misguided.
Naive.
That there are too many people in this town who actually benefit from partisanship and gridlock for us to ever do anything about it.
I know how tempting such cynicism may be.
But I still think the cynics are wrong.
I still believe that we are one people.
We are clearly not one people.
We are clearly, clearly not one people.
And I was reading this at Vox.com, and this is what they said about that very passage.
Because this is what got my blood pumping when he kept doing that stuff.
Because, you know, he missed, well, here's what the Vox said first.
Our median politics are indeed toxic, but by glossing over the fact that there are fundamental, unavoidable disagreements about what is good for the country, the president paints a simply incorrect picture of how modern politics work.
It's a classic liberal mistake, one that must be overcome if Democrats are to ever win back power.
And that's exactly he was up there.
He didn't mention one time during the whole speech.
Hey, I don't know if you noticed last week the Republicans are screwing over Social Security.
They're creating a manufactured crisis.
They've wanted to screw over Social Security since the beginning, and they're finally getting a chance to do it.
By the way, they don't believe in science.
By the way, they want to take away health care from women.
They want to take away health care from people.
Now they just raised the work requirement to be considered a full-time worker 40 hours instead of 30, which is going to screw over people getting health care right now through Obamacare.
He didn't do any of that stuff.
He didn't frame the debate because it's a Republican Congress, Senate and House, which means nothing Barack Obama wants to get done is going to get done.
So at least frame the debate.
At least take it back.
At least say, okay, here's what you guys just voted for, and here's what I'm for.
And he doesn't call them out for it.
He just keeps saying the stuff that we got to get together.
We got to work together.
We're all one people.
He could say, we're all Americans, but we have very different ideas of how to move forward.
Here's my idea, and here's what their idea is.
There was a part in the speech, in the State of the Union speech, where he was making the case for fairness and pay and equality of pay.
And the Republicans wouldn't applaud it.
And he didn't stop and go, you guys can't even applaud fairness.
That's who I have to negotiate with, ladies and gentlemen.
People who are against fairness.
So he says, and this is what you got to do to win the argument.
You first have to win the public, the argument.
You have to win in the public opinion.
And that's what the Democrats have always failed to do.
All the stuff he was saying in the State of the Union about how good the economy is doing and about how people got health insurance now, 10 million more people.
They didn't make any of that case before the midterm elections.
Yeah.
And by the way, people say that Barack Obama should have been more conciliatory, right?
Because he just got his ass kicked in the midterms.
The Democrats got more votes in the midterms.
The only reason that the Republicans have more Congress people is because of radical gerrymandering.
It's got nothing to do with them getting more votes.
They didn't get more votes.
Democrats got more votes.
That's why Barack Obama, when he runs nationally, he won both of those elections because more Americans believe in liberal agenda than they do a conservative agenda.
You know, when they do those questionnaires and they do polling on people and they ask them liberal agendas or conservative ideas, they always line up with the liberals.
America's much more liberal than the corporate media leads them to believe.
America's much more liberal than the corporate media leads them to believe.
And now a reading of a future obituary from the book Morning Remembrance.
Obituaries of real dead people, but the obituaries are fake and funny.
And now here's Jim Earle with a future obituary.
Thank you, Jimmy.
But this one isn't in the book since it's brand new.
But thanks for the plug.
Okay.
Dick Cheney, avid hunter, fitness freak, monster.
Richard Bruce Dick Cheney, the only human capable of using another person's heart without caring who it previously belonged to, finally died after years of being dead.
The former Philip Morris spokesmodel, who only recently called the Senate report on Bush-era torture, quote, a croc and hooey, is now buried under a rock where gophers are finding him chewy.
Still grieving, his daughters refused to accept their father's demise and instead referred to it as enhanced death.
As a youth growing up in Wyoming, Cheney quickly showed his mettle by earning five military deferments in two DWIs.
He subsequently flunked out of Yale twice, inspiring his later congressional vote against the creation of the U.S. Department of Education.
In 2011, Cheney published his biography, In My Time, a personal and political memoir, in which he described himself as the most powerful president in American history.
You know, Jimmy, over the years, he had five heart attacks, at least seven cardiovascular procedures and bypasses involving stents, grafting, and implants, and at one point was outfitted with an Artificial blood pump leaving him without a pulse for a year and a half.
But he never got a dinner.
The deceased requested his remains be buried next to a proof of Saddam Hussein's WMD so nobody can ever find them.
That was Jim Earle reading from the book Morning Remembrance, Fake Obituaries of Real Dead People, available at jimearle.com.
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Now let's get back to the second half of the show.
We've got phone calls from Liam Neeson, John Boehner, and Barack Obama.
We've got phone calls from Liam Neeson.
We've got phone calls from Liam Neeson.
Hi, welcome back to the Jimmy Dore Show.
I'm joined in the studio by comedian Craig Shoemaker.
Also, Hilary, former writer for the daily show, Jim Earle, and from the Young Turks, Edwin Umanya.
And we're going to get back to our discussion about how I was personally let down by this President Obama's State of the Union address and the interesting facts about the response to the State of the Union.
But we also have phone calls from Liam Neeson, John Boehner.
But right now, let's get to a phone call.
Barack Obama left me a message.
Here it is.
Jimmy, did you see my shout out to the union address?
Yes, I did.
Tell me, what was your favorite part?
Well, I think.
I know because I won both of them.
Brock.
I know because I won both.
I know because I won both of them.
Brock, what is that playing in the background?
It was just a little meat slam of the punk-ass Republicans during the State of the Union.
Man, that was sweet.
I know because I won both of them.
Yeah, that was sweet.
But let me ask you about why didn't you mention the Republican trick to screw over Social Security that they pulled last week?
See, when I first read the line in the speech about me not having any more campaigns, I had a feeling they might start applauding.
I didn't pre-plan what I was going to say.
I just left the channel open.
Mr. President, you missed your chance to frame the issue about Social Security.
The absolute best part.
But look at John McCain's sad old face getting red as his ass was after I whooped it in 2008.
He looked like he wanted to get his hands on me and reverse his stance on torture.
I know because I won both.
Would you please stop playing that?
I know because I won both of them.
Okay, I get it.
You got a good line.
Listen, the TPP deal, trade deal, you said you wanted to sign it.
It's actually a big lose for the American workers and the environment.
Yet you couched it like it was a good thing.
Is that because you knew the media would do their usual horrible job of reporting what's in the trade deal and how important it is and how it impacts our everyday lives?
I mean, who do they think they're dealing with here?
They see me at the correspondent's dinners.
They know I got the comedy chops.
Don't put it on a platter.
I mean, Jimmy, the way they started applauding, it was like it was on cue because I won both of them.
Okay, so you're going to sign a trade deal that screws over our own workers and manufacturers here in the United States.
And yet you talked about the middle-class economics.
Care to explain what that is exactly?
I mean, the beauty is that I did win both times.
I actually did beat them two times, so bam!
Right in your stupid fucking ass white feet.
So you're just going to talk about your slam?
Your heckler comeback.
You're not going to talk about anything else.
Mr. President, are you there?
And then I'll nail the head, sir.
Just dropping a snap.
The head pivots quickly to the opposite side of where it was born and two to head extra disrespect.
Did you see that snap?
Please tell me you saw that head snap.
Kevin Hart don't have snap like that in his punchline.
I got it like a motherfucker.
Brock, seriously.
Just bam, people don't our economy at a strong comeback.
Then I dropped that feeder on asses.
I know because I won both them motherfuckers.
Okay, you talk about our economies coming back, but the results of the rebound have been so uneven.
While the stock market has soared, many of the middle class have been left behind.
Wages are stagnant, and many of the new jobs created pay even less and have fewer benefits than the ones that are gone.
I know because I won the both.
It's a good heck to come back that Lindsey Graham was waiting for the bouncer to come down to keep his table talked down to a minimum.
You said you wanted a middle-class economy.
You wanted free community college, a tax on the 1% to fund a middle-class tax cut.
Yep.
And we all know that because we have a Republican Congress.
None of that shit's going to get done.
Except for the XL pipeline that I'm going to cave on.
And shit, trade deal.
So you know your ideas aren't going to be implemented, but you still, you're doing a victory lap.
I know because I won both of them.
Brock, turn that off.
I know because I won both of them.
Sorry, we got to go.
All right, that was President Barack Obama.
Thank you.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
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Okay, let's get back to the studio and our conversation about what's wrong with the Democrats, liberals, and our breakdown of the State of the Union address.
I'm joined by former writer for the Daily Show Jim Earle and Edward Umanya from The Young Turks.
I think Obama, I don't know why, but he's obsessed with just latching on to his comeout image, his big speech that made him famous.
Yes.
There are no blue and red states.
There's just one.
Yeah.
And we're all one.
And he hasn't abandoned that.
No, he's still trying to double down on that.
He's been giving that speech for six years now as president, Jim.
Well, there's going to be more coming.
I'm going to play a couple more clips of him saying that.
And just like just like they said at Vox.com, that's a fundamental misreading of what's happening.
We have very different ideas of how to govern, of how to move forward, of how to take care of the middle class.
We have very, very different ideas.
And Barack Obama would he missed a chance to talk about them.
And this whole thing of we're all the same.
There's no red states and blue states.
We're one.
That's just wrong.
You know, I think he wants to be Lincoln.
Yes.
Lincoln's instead of FDR.
Yeah, Lincoln said similar things.
Lincoln, by the way.
But he knew what to do.
By the way, Lincoln started a civil war.
Let's remember that.
And fought it.
He didn't start.
Maybe the South declared it.
But he didn't back down.
No, he knew how to handle it practically.
Yes, he handled exactly.
Like, these are the bad guys.
These are the guys who are against what we are as Americans.
And we have to decimate them.
We have to fight them.
He wanted, he picked generals who would massacre them.
And that's basically what he did.
And Barack Obama not only misreads history with President Lincoln.
You know, Lincoln didn't start his Gettysburg address by saying, you know, let's face it, the South has some good ideas.
Some good economic policies.
Right?
He didn't do that.
And that's what Barack Obama is pretending.
Okay, so here's what he makes a, he tries this same BS on infrastructure.
Here we go.
Now, the truth is, when it comes to issues like infrastructure and basic research, I know there's bipartisan support in this chamber.
No, what you should have said was, can you believe that they won't support building bridges and roads in America?
Can you believe that they've opposed me from medical research that they won't pursue?
Can you believe that this is what they wouldn't allow me to appoint a surgeon general when we had the Ebola crisis?
This is who I'm up against.
These are the people.
They're anti-science.
They're anti-medicine.
They're anti-modernity.
They're almost Luddites.
These are the people I'm dealing with.
Again, he didn't.
He goes, no, I know you guys are with me.
We're all the same.
We're not all the same.
They're not with you.
They don't care if you build infrastructure as long as they can get a lobbyist job after they get voted out of Congress.
They don't care.
It's like, I expect Barack Obama to, after he's done with that presidency, he's going to leave me a message.
You know what, Jimmy?
I think maybe those Republicans were just a bunch of assholes.
Maybe we are.
Maybe we're not alike.
Maybe we weren't all working towards the same goal.
So here he goes about taxes.
Where we too often run onto the rocks is how to pay for these investments.
As Americans, we don't mind paying our fair share of taxes as long as everybody else does too.
But for far too long, lobbyists have rigged the tax code with loopholes that let some corporations pay nothing while others pay full freight.
They've riddled it with giveaways that the super rich don't need while denying a break to middle-class families who do.
This year we have an opportunity to change that.
Let's close loopholes so we stop rewarding companies that keep profits abroad and reward those that invest here in America.
Jim, correct me if I'm wrong.
Hasn't he said that every state of the union?
Hasn't every politician been saying, we got to cut corporate loopholes so we could close the loopholes so that we could close the loopholes.
And we got to close up, make it fair so everybody fares, pays their fare.
What is he talking about?
Why does he keep saying this?
Wow, it's the same old, same old, same old, same old.
We can do it this year, you guys.
They're not going to do it, Barack.
Why are you pretending that they're going to do this?
Why do you keep pretending this?
So just point out where you stand and where the opposition stands so people can delineate what the issues are and that you frame them.
So if he would frame the debate correctly, the media would repeat his framing, but he's not framing it correctly.
He keeps doing this thing.
I know you guys want to fund.
And then so what the media talks about is, hey, what issues do you guys agree on?
You know what they agree on?
They only agree on the trade pushing through that TPP, the Trans-Pacific.
And that's going to screw over America workers at our manufacturing base.
That's what they agree on.
They agree on that thing that's going to screw over workers in America.
That's what they agree.
So that's what they end up talking about.
Look, we can work on that.
I think we can do, I think we could do some tax reform.
They'll say that.
And by tax reform, they mean we can lower taxes for corporations.
That's what they mean.
There are no blue and red states on screwing over the workers.
They make the you got to fight for something, Marack.
You have to fight for it.
You have to say, this is what I'm for.
This is what I'm fighting for.
And these are the people who are against this thing I'm fighting for.
These are the people who are against Social Security.
These are the people who are against raising the minimum wage.
These are the people who are against people getting health care for working.
These are the people.
He doesn't do that.
You got to delineate.
You got to frame the argument.
He never will.
They never have done it correctly.
Here we go.
He's got some more to say.
We believe the sensible regulations could prevent another crisis, shield families from ruin, and encourage fair competition.
So he's talking about bank regulations.
He says we, I'll play it again.
We believe the sensible regulations could prevent another crisis, shield families from ruin, and encourage fair competition.
And what he should have said, but guess what?
We passed legislation to do that, and they just repealed it.
They just gutted Dodd-Frank, and I signed it.
I signed it, or else the government would have closed.
He could have said that.
He could have said that.
Guess what?
We just gutted that legislation.
He could have also mentioned that his administration is riddled with Wall Street inside.
Oh, he could have said that too.
He could have mentioned that, but he won't.
He won't.
Here we go.
Today we have new tools to stop taxpayer-funded bailouts and a new consumer watchdog to protect us from predatory lending.
And those are things that the Republicans fought against tooth and nail.
Again, he doesn't mention that.
He didn't say, hey, those things we have, we all agree are good things.
These people fought against it.
I fought for it.
And abusive credit card practices?
Yeah, okay.
So here's one more.
Here's one more.
And in the past year alone, about 10 million uninsured Americans finally gained the security of health coverage.
And he didn't say, by the way, these people oppose it.
Their own goddamn plan.
That's how much of a negotiator I am.
That's how bipartisan I am.
I propose their plan to help fix it, and they still oppose.
He won't say that.
And this is from Vox.com.
They say today's Republicans are more conservative than at any point in the last century.
And failing to fight means admitting defeat.
And that's exactly what he's got to say.
He's got, I got to say, I'm going to fight these guys.
He didn't say any of that stuff.
I'm going to fight.
He said, oh, if you try to gut my things I did on immigration, I'll veto it.
He did say that.
But again, he's not, and it's because still people are afraid to say I'm a liberal.
What he didn't mention in this speech was FDR.
He didn't mention it one time.
Didn't mention the New Deal.
Can you imagine a presidential Republican president not mention Ronald Reagan?
FDR said countless times he welcomed their hate.
Their hatred.
He said, never before in the history of this country have organized money been more organized in their hatred for one man, and I welcome their hate.
Obama would never ever say anything like that because he wants to be one of them.
He is one of them.
He is a Republican at heart.
Moderate Republican.
He's a moderate Republican at heart.
At heart, he is.
There's no doubt in my mind.
And he never ran on any other platform than that, too.
I mean, a lot of people were outraged and surprised.
Hey, he's not doing anything.
How come he's not standing up for what?
You know, he never ran that way.
He did say he wouldn't sign a healthcare bill that didn't have a public option, and then he did.
So that was pretty liberal, and then he didn't give us that.
He did say he would close Guantanamo.
He hasn't done that.
He did say that you got to save Main Street while you save Wall Street.
He didn't do that.
So he did say things that sounded pretty liberal.
He didn't save Main Street.
Okay, three things.
Three little things.
He was right out of it.
No!
So I got another phone call from Liam Neeson calls in.
He listens to the show in New York City.
You know, he's got his new movies around.
He's fighting crime.
So hi, who's this?
James P. Dorr, business philanthropist, writer of wrongs, and actor, Liam Neeson.
Liam, it's good to hear from you.
Jimmy, you're in great danger.
Why?
Why?
What do you mean?
Your emotionally charged tirades against the peaceful religions of the world have inspired the fervor of believers against you.
Oh, I don't think anyone is upset over what you must be protected against the ire of those who wish to silence your polemic onslaughts of Stevens' terrible humor.
Mr. Neeson, what I said was just my reaction to the events in Paris.
You must go into hiding under my safeguard.
The evildoers cannot try him for snarky comedic commentary.
I will not let them.
I can't believe what I said was that big of a deal.
Everything you say is a big deal, Jimmy.
That is why Jimmy Ebdo must continue and flourish.
Jimmy Ebdo?
The age is very soft.
Jimmy, what you know is important.
Without your Rivers comedy program, nobody would know that CNN Stone Lemon is of inferior intelligence.
Are you saying religious people are angry at me?
It's hard to sort out religious fundamentalists from religious extremists.
It was so much easier in my youth when we could determine our enemies by their school uniform.
Liam, I think you overestimate your rant elucidating the importance of free speech achieved transcendence.
I listen to your shore in the early hours of morning between the urban struggle cooking show and the hour of music that sounds like animal farts.
It's very nice to hear that you're a listener.
Your daring humor stylings make me chartle as I purge the city streets of villainy.
Jimmy Door, you are a national traitor.
That's very flattering, but I don't believe that's true.
Humility is very touching.
Sometimes in my vocation, the praise of others can blind you to the knowledge that you are a man like any other.
A man with hardships and burdens.
This year, I too was not nominated for an Academy Award, just like the American Negro.
Mr. Neeson, there isn't anything to be afraid about.
If the Rap Scallions march you, I will avenge.
I won't rest until they put you on during drive time in New York.
Liam, I think you need to calm down.
First, they come after your friends, then they'll come after your loved ones.
Last time, come after your dog.
Now you're making me worried.
You must go incommunicado.
Desist from all human contact.
Refrigerate all your body wasted little plastic bags.
They might trace your DNA.
Okay, I gotta let you go, Liam.
Are you in New York right now?
Oh, I'm right outside your window.
Liam!
Fear not!
I will lurk in the shadows.
Ever watchful, ever vigilant.
You are sheltered in the sanctuary of my watchfulness, little bird.
We've been speaking to actor Liam Neeson.
Jimmy, I haven't slept in 17 days.
All right, that was Liam Neeson.
Hi, everybody.
We're sitting here with hilarious comedian Craig Shoemaker.
Craig is a jack of all trades.
He's a filmmaker.
He's an author.
He's a great stand-up comedian.
He's a radio show host, a podcast host.
If there's something, what haven't you done, Craig?
Craig Shoemaker, how are you, buddy?
I'm fantastic.
I actually invented on-hold advertising as well.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
You know, when you're on hold, you listen to those messages.
Yes?
Me and my high school buddies invented that.
Well, you must really be getting the residuals from that.
Well, no, I was bought out years ago, but I'd like to say it.
You know, you said I do everything.
It is everything.
I get together with my high school.
Do you still hang out with your friends from high school?
I actually do have a few friends from Chicago I still see, yes.
We all still hang out.
The same guys we got stoned together.
We come up with creations.
Like, we all thought we were going to come up with a catchphrase that everyone would do.
This is the one we came up with.
That was it.
I mean, I have no idea.
How did that not sweep the nation?
That should have caught up.
We tried it everywhere.
We go to stadiums and break into the broadcast booth.
Still, nothing.
Maybe after being on your show.
Now, you have a book called Love Mask.
Now, you were known.
You had a stage character name called The Love Book.
Electario, who was the answer to all the women.
I was always the F-word, friend, with all the females, because I was 5'1 in high school, 92 pounds.
Oh, okay.
So they would always go, they'd have posse peas with me.
I would be included in that, and they'd be talking about all these bad guys.
And I gave them the bad guy, the love master.
Oh, okay.
So that's where that came from.
Yeah, that's very, very weird.
Doing with a bunch of dudes here.
I have to look somewhere else.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, baby.
I'm so big.
I make flesh-eating bacteria gag.
That's very bad.
Terrible.
Terrible.
All right.
So that's how he was developed.
Okay.
And then it became a stage persona.
And you sold out comedy clubs all across the country for decades.
Because people don't really know people's names, but they know something they can go, oh, it's that guy.
Oh, so you had that character that was like your hook, the love master.
Yeah, it was only about six minutes of an hour and a half show, but people go, they would come for that.
And, you know, you give them the best of it.
I'm sure Springsteen is tired of born to run.
So you have a book called Love Mastered.
Which is really about the irony is it's about mastering love, which is what happened in my life.
I really do have it down now.
You mastered love?
Madly in love with my wife.
I mean, it's like 24-7.
I have no jokes about her.
That's the unfortunate thing.
I said she's a hippie.
Oh, okay.
So she stinks and doesn't shake.
No, no, it's not like that.
No, she's like new age.
She's actually speaking to stinks.
She actually says, Did you know it's spiritual to fart?
I said, You're just married to Dalai Lama.
So if I read your book, then I'll fall in love with your wife.
That's how the book works.
Okay.
Well, the book is really about finding self and finding love.
It's a strange concept.
It didn't start off as a book.
This woman reached out to me.
I noticed her Facebook post.
She was a fan 3,000 miles away.
She said she was going through a divorce, and I just thought something compelled me deep, deep down inside.
Don't be jokey about this.
Share your life with her because I have a very difficult ex-wife situation.
Really difficult.
By the way, all my comedy shows for the last three years have been benefit shows.
All proceeds go to my ex-wife.
I just want to let you know.
Everything goes to courts and experts and everything.
So I shared my story with this woman, and we go back and forth for a year, and that's what the book is: a private message on Facebook.
So it's like this digital journey to love and happiness.
She eventually finds love herself, not with me.
And 3,000 miles away.
It's pretty wild what unfolds.
And, you know, life happens in that year.
And to tell you the truth, I couldn't wait to run back to the room, you know, when I'm on the road to see what she wrote because I kind of became amused for her.
And I was the only person she spoke to.
No therapist or anything.
So you mastered love, but you didn't master it with her.
No, she's not your wife now.
She knows about, she sees my Facebook post and how in love I am with my wife.
So she was basically taking my suggestions.
And by the way, it's a lot about my failures, my rumbling, stumbling, crumbling, and fumbling.
Oh, okay.
In life and love.
And by the way, how I've even became a comic and the pain that I come from and trying to find love in all the wrong places.
Is that why you got into stand-up?
I know I did.
Yes, definitely.
Yeah, I needed the hug of the strangers to fill the brokenness inside.
Yeah, now you sounded sarcastic.
I really mean it when I say I needed that virtual hug.
No, but you seem to, I say it like that because I haven't mastered love.
I mean, I'm in love with my wife, but I still feel that broken part of me inside.
Do you really?
Yeah.
See, I'm not compelled to do comedy for the same reasons anymore because I already have that.
I really got that part down, and I don't need any of the other anymore.
So when I see a crowd that, you know, standing in a mission, whatever, I walk away and that's it.
I mean, that's, and I connect with them on Facebook or whatever, but that's it.
I mean, I don't really need that anymore.
I think I did.
I think actually my motivations for stand-up actually have flipped, but usually in the backwards way.
I first got into it because I just love doing comedy, and now I just want to be famous and rich.
So usually it goes the other way.
You get into it because you want to be famous and rich, and you realize you really love comedy.
I'm 17 days away from stand-up.
Oh, really?
After 35 straight years of doing stand-up.
So 35 straight years touring the country.
The most I ever took off was two weeks.
Selling comedy clubs out.
And now you've retired and you're moving on to the next chapter of your life.
You have this book, Love Mastered.
And it's getting great reviews.
Dr. Drew's reading it for the second time.
He said he's getting dividends out of it.
Really?
Because it really is a healing book.
I mean, we all need a healing.
And this shows you this guy that has really been through a lot.
I mean, I talk about in the book.
I was kidnapped and molested when I was a kid.
And, you know, I had no support through that.
My father's a cult leader.
He left when I was a kid and would come back and just give me these really bad messages.
And I never got that love.
And I didn't get it in comedy clubs with waitresses.
Right.
You know.
Club owners paying you in white or green.
You know, half my first career was being paid in cocaine.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, people, I tell people that I got into comedy right after they stopped paying you with cocaine.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Oh, what you missed.
What a shame.
Joining us on the phone right now is Speaker of the House, John Boehner.
I wasn't drunk.
What?
How dare you accuse me?
Who the hell are you to judge?
Speaker Boehner, I really don't know what the hell you're talking about.
You think I was having at the State of the Union address, don't you?
I didn't say that.
Give me more thing, good.
Well, I'm here to tell you that I am not the practicing alcoholic you think I am.
I didn't really think that until just now.
For your information, the dry heels that I have every morning are a glandular condition.
Flasks that I keep hitting around the Capitol Dome are a service who just happen to look and taste like gin.
And the reason I'm popping breath bits all day is because I have a sweet tooth.
Mr. Speaker, I didn't accuse you of anything.
Okay, maybe you didn't.
With a spiders that crawl all over my body in the middle of the night have been reprimanding me for all kinds of things.
But I'm not an alcoholic.
What I am is a classic white knuckle dry drunk.
I am a classic white knuckle dry drunk.
Hey, guess what?
That's all the time we have on today's podcast.
But if you'd like to hear the rest of that John Boehner call, plus a lot of lot more, you can get the premium, the bonus content to the Jimmy Door show.
And it's really inexpensive.
It's $5 a month.
That's less than the price of a cup of coffee.
And you get all the access to all the great premium content like that John Boehner call.
Plus, we just dropped a double episode last week.
It was about 40, 45 minutes of extra Jimmy Door show for our premium members.
And how do you become a premium member?
You go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
You click on the premium, join premium tab.
You make your donation, and that's it.
We'll send you a passcode.
And if you pay for the whole year at once, we get you a month free.
So instead of $60 for the whole year, it's only $55.
That's over at jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And if you've made your donation and you haven't gotten your passcode, send me an email at my old-timey email, jimmydoor at earthlink.net, and we'll set you right up.
Okay, so that's two great ways to help support the show.
Use our Amazon link when you think about buying something from Amazon and enjoy our premium content.
There's lots of it, and it's really inexpensive, $5 a month.
Thanks to everybody who does that.
Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Steph Samorano, Mark Van Landuitt, Frank Conniff, Jim Earl, who wrote his future obituaries.
You can see Jim, his whole book of hilarious obituaries over at jimearl.com.
Thanks to Craig Shoemaker for sitting in.
You can get his book, Love Mastered, over at CraigShoemaker.com.
All the voices today perform by the one and the only, the inimitable, Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcrae.com.
Also, a big shout out to a gentleman who donates his time and talent to help make the show possible.
It's Sean James.
He can fix your Macintosh.
He does it for me right over the internet and he can do it for you.
Send him an email at machelp at seanjames.com.
And he spells Sean S-H-A-U-N.
Okay, that's it for this week.
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