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May 3, 2014 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show!
The Jimmy Dore Show!
*BEEP*
Jimmy Dore, this is Bill Riley.
You liberal arugula munchers should be happy with my latest social campaign.
As you know, the factor helps minority children at risk all across the country.
They make up most of my audience.
So I'm going after the biggest problem facing the black community, sexy music videos.
Yes, you heard me.
Music videos are causing the devastation of unwanted pregnancies and fractured families in black neighborhoods.
Did you see the latest video put by Beyoncé?
I didn't like it.
All these teenage black girls who watch VH1 are being corrupted by the likes of Beyonce and Alicia Keys.
It's got to stop, Jimmy.
Simple as that.
That Ron Emmanuel has the right idea.
He shut down 47 neighborhood public schools in Chicago.
The only way to help poor families is to force ill brats in the private schools.
Problem solved.
Finally, there's a Democrat with some common sense.
You should take a page out of his book, Jimbo.
Speaking of book, I hear that your book is coming out soon.
If I find out there's anything about me in it, my next book will be called Killing Jimmy Dore.
One hour until I do my show.
I have to go paint my bald spot.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you about you.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore!
It's Jimmy Dore!
Everybody, we got a special episode for you this week.
We're going to play some of our favorite clips from the last couple of months on the show right now.
We got some great stuff coming up.
We got a Chris Christie's going to call in.
We have Herman Kane calls in.
We have Ron Paul.
We have lots of stuff coming up, but let's kick it off with our clip talking about Bill O'Reilly and his segment he did on pot in Colorado.
I'm joined in the studio by Frank Conner from Mystery Science Theater 3000, Steve Rosenfield, former writer for The Daily Show, hilarious comedian Robert Yasimura, and Steph Zamarano.
That's a joke.
So Colorado is way out in front of California in the marijuana legalization, and the Denver Post hired a pot editor and Bill O'Reilly having a tough time with it.
It's not going to happen in the Denver Post.
They're going to tell you what the best bud is.
I feel like Spokoli.
It sounds like that much.
I can tell you what the best bud is, where to buy it, how to prune it, how to roll it.
This is promoting the use of an intoxicant by the Denver Post.
Oh, it's almost as bad as when they run cigarette ads in the Wall Street Journal.
Or the New York Post.
Don't they have ads for Chevy's Regal?
I mean, everything that he's saying.
We go on.
Why don't you just set it up?
Like, here's the bar in Denver where you can get the cheapest chasers and the most gin for your money.
I think they do list happy hours.
I don't think that.
Guess what?
A lot of newspapers have a food and wine section.
They do talk.
I do tell you.
This is outrageous.
They do.
Yes.
Okay.
This is exactly what it is, Mary Catherine.
Wow.
Talk about manufactured outrage.
This guy.
He's really revealing his old manness, right?
Being this afraid of marijuana.
They're going to tell you what buds to get.
Yes, that's what I want to know.
I want to know where the good buds are and where I should go and how it's.
It's legal there, right?
Yeah, it's all legal.
Just like, just like, well, his whole thing is that you, so if you smoke pot, there's only one reason to smoke pot, and that's to get high.
But if you drink wine, you like the wine.
It tastes good.
It just happens to also get you inebriated.
Right.
So those people who make that argument are phony hypocrites, and that's really a really weak argument.
That is BS.
I've had people say that to me.
You're like, oh, I'll drink in front of my kid, but I won't smoke pot in front of my kid.
I'm like, you know, the drinking is going to harm your kid way more than the pot smoking.
And that that's just you internalizing some kind of crazy bullshit that you were fed as a as a kid.
And now you're going to pass it along to your kid.
It's a cultural prejudice.
Yeah, what are you going to say?
I find that a Panama Red goes very well with fish.
So by the way, you know, and I think she comes out and says, let me finish.
Let me explain it.
So he goes on.
I disagree with you.
I think it's a public policy issue that's going to be covered mostly like that part is fair.
Yeah, okay.
So he's got a problem with the guy who writes a column smoking pot.
He just does it.
Why is this guy going to ingest it?
You know what?
It makes me want to read that column now.
Yeah, they have wine editors.
They take booze advertising of all kinds, but Bill O's letting his old man speak.
Are the wine editors not drinking the wine?
Are they not drinking the wine?
The food editor never eating, just taking pictures of the food.
She makes such an important point.
This is one of two states that is trying marijuana for public use legally.
And it's a huge public policy question, and it is worth following on a regular basis.
No doubt about it.
And by the way, I never heard him talking about the problems of like, say, an editorial decision like closing your foreign offices or, you know, basically like serious editorial mistakes that newspapers make.
Right.
He's just going off on this one column.
Right.
So he knows how to rile up his viewers.
Right, but CNN closes all of their overseas desks.
Not a f ⁇ peep.
No, not a peep.
So here he goes on.
So he turns to Juan Williams.
Okay, friend of the show.
Then the Denver Post sends a memo to its employee saying, even though we have a marijuana critic and we're going to tell you where to get the best bud, you can't use it on the premises of the Denver Post.
So again, he's the same thing, Bill.
Your company owns the Wall Street Journal, the New York Post.
You can't smoke cigarettes in any of those buildings.
Can't suppose that this argument.
So guess what?
Juan Williams actually makes that point.
Come on.
Why do you have it anyway?
Anyway.
Wait a minute.
You can't smoke.
You can't even smoke a cigarette in this building.
Who's promoting tobacco?
What are you talking about?
We don't take any news for tobacco.
No, we don't.
The newspapers that we've, we don't run the newspapers.
So he goes, we don't, he's talking about just us at Fox, not the company that I work for.
So you're upset at the rest of your company?
Are you upset at the rest of Fox enterprises?
That, you know, it's this...
He doesn't have a leg to stand on.
He doesn't have a leg to stand on.
And my favorite thing is he just, he asks someone on to browbeat them.
Yes, right.
So exactly.
So here he goes on a little bit.
Okay, but that's part of our corporation.
But I'm just saying, you know, that all these products are now, and it's legal.
Let me emphasize that legal.
Yeah.
And the cops do not have to go out and combat the intoxicant.
So again, so Ron Williams makes the point, and he just completely runs over him.
Hey, hey, our corporation that we work for takes cigarette ads and don't allow people to smoke in the building that we work in.
But that's different to Bill O'Reilly because it completely blows his argument out of the water.
So that's why that's different.
You know, that's different.
Yeah.
Coincidentally enough, Bill's next book is called Killing Willie Nelson.
Killing Willie Nelson.
Bye.
Jimmy, it's me, Ted Cruz.
Jimmy, it's me, Ted Cruz.
One of Time Magazine's most important people for 2013.
And as such, my first decree is that Pope Francis can tongue paddle my fat.
Yeah, I could have made the cover, too, if I kept going on and on about the so-called poor aka the takers.
But I kept it real, my brother.
I did a fake filibuster, man.
I organized a $12 billion government shutdown that went nowhere.
So can a Negro get a table dance all up in here?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't play to the cameras with them foot washing the poor stunt.
Because guess what?
They're poor.
You don't touch them.
Both of them have AIDS, Jimmy.
Man, I talk to God more than that guy.
Heck, I'm talking to him right now because the Heavenly Father is always talking in my head.
Commanding me to do things, alerting me to the lizard people.
Growing ever louder and louder.
So sometimes I just put my grandpa's 45 in my mouth.
Just hoping it will all stop.
You know what I'm talking about, right?
Okay, well, good talk, Jimmy.
Obamacare is the Holocaust.
Obamacare is the Holocaust.
Thank you.
So get this.
So the Pope has started to push back on the a-hole image of Jesus that conservatives have been peddling since Reagan, mainly that he's a gun-toting, toting, rugged individualist who sticks up for the race.
That's the Jesus that they've, right?
And get this, I was Noam Chomsky is actually weighed in on this one.
And I was reading an article where he said that he referenced Vatican II and liberation theology.
Do you know what that is?
I don't really know what that is.
So it turns out that for the first three centuries of Christianity, that they were killing a lot of Christians because it turns out that Jesus' message is very radical.
You know, it's very radical, just like it is today.
It's a very radical message.
So when the Pope says it, it ruffles a lot of feathers.
And they were killing all of them for the first.
And then the Roman Empire co-opted Christianity in the fourth century, and that's when they stopped killing the Christians, right?
So, and the lead, and this had a profound effect on the religious leaders in Latin America.
According to Noam Chomsky, the priests in Latin America would set up groups with Latin American peasants to read the gospels and encourage them to demand more rights from the region's military dictatorships, which became known as liberation theology.
He said liberation theology's practitioners were systematically martyred over more than 20 years by the United States-backed forces to prevent Latin American nations from installing socialist governments to benefit their own people rather than American interests.
This is true, by the way.
So, whenever there was a government in South America that was on the brink of actually instituting liberation theology and helping the people, the United States stepped right in, right?
Sandinist, right, when Nicaragua, same.
So, back when our Secretary of State was Pontius Pilate.
According to Chomsky, the U.S. went to war and fought a bitter, brutal, violent war against the church.
If we had a free press, that's the way they would present it, according to Chomsky.
He said that the United States supported the overthrow of governments and institutions of neo-Nazi-style dictatorships as part of the war that finally ended in 1989 with the murder of six Jesuits and two women at the University of Central America by Salvadorian troops.
So, Chomsky said those troops had received training by the United States.
School of the Americas.
Yes, you are correct.
School of the Americas, which trained Latin American officers, killers, basically.
So now Pope Francis is an Argentine Jesuit and he's made symbolic gestures to welcome liberation theology back to the church after years of condemnations for its political aspirations by Pope John Paul II and by Pope Benedict.
So Pope John Paul II and Pope Benedict down on liberation theology.
Not very Jesus-like, those guys.
He's saying all these things now, the Pope, right?
And well, what do you do when Jesus no longer supports your BS and you are revealed for being a phony Christian by the world's number one Christian, right?
What do you do?
Well, you gotta sh on Jesus as hard as you can, revealing that Chris.
So, and by doing that, the conservatives revealed that Christianity is not really their life philosophy, as they have claimed, but really nothing more than a convenient tool to hide their horribly destructive and regressive policies, right?
So, here, here's a mashup that the last word Lawrence O'Donnell show put together of the right-wingers freaking out about the Pope sounding like a Christian.
Folks, if I gave a speech on anti-capitalism, do you think I could be named person of the year by Time magazine?
Makes me nervous about the Pope, quite honestly, when the press runs to make him Time magazine man of the year.
Do you think Obama?
Yeah, they'll not.
He is right, Rush Limbaugh.
He'll never be Man of the Year, although he is a strong contender for douchebag of the century.
Okay, there's a little bit more.
He might be two men of the year.
He's a big man.
He might be.
Yes.
I'm as upset that he didn't win the Man of the Year award from time.
I mean, nobody outdoes him in anti-capitalism.
The Pope himself spoke about this at elephant length.
How can it be, he wrote, that it's not a news item when an elderly homeless person dies of exposure, but it is news when the stock market loses two punks.
This is the president citing the Pope, his new best friend.
Because the Pope is ripping America.
The Pope ripping capitalism.
The Pope ripping Ronaldo's Magnus.
The Pope ripping trickle-down economic.
And Obama's having an orgasm.
I'm a little concerned about who this Pope is.
Some status that to me sound kind of liberal.
That's taken me aback.
Yes.
It's taken her aback.
Almost as liberal as Jesus.
Wow.
It's funny, though.
Who knew the Pope would turn out to be just another limousine liberal?
Am I right?
That damn Pope Robert is trying to steal Jesus from us by quoting things he actually said instead of the bullshit we've been saying he said.
Yeah, that's what they're saying.
What happened?
Because I remember about 30, 40 years ago, fairly religious people who were right-wing people would say things like, you know, things are a little too commercial in terms of Christmas.
Like, we need to pay attention to the ideas behind it.
And somehow that's gone off the rails, too.
Well, how did that happen?
Reagan.
And so Reagan, Ayn Rand, and this libertarian wing of the Republican Party that equates unbridled, unregulated capitalism with Jesus.
Somehow it's moral because if you don't have capitalism, that means you're lazy and you're not working and you're stealing from other people.
That's their theory.
They refer to taxes as stealing.
So it's all this incendiary.
It's all this from Reagan.
It all started with Reagan.
It's all so dogmatic.
There is no gray area at all.
No, there's no gray area.
So the head of a $3 trillion Ponzi scheme is lecturing others on unbridled capitalism.
Gentlemen, I'm so sorry.
The Pope, you say.
The way you rip on capitalism right now, I just climaxed.
Very nice.
Oh, so you're saying that the Pope's at the top of a pyramid scheme?
Yeah, this is the $3 trillion pyramid scheme.
But if he really wants to put his money where his mouth is, he should sell the Vatican, take those goddamn Renaissance pennies off the wall, give them to the poor, stop running around, just eBay.
Jim, eBay, the Catholic Church.
Jim, you got to walk before you can run.
I know.
I know.
The Vatican was bought with a subtrime mortgage.
It's really, it's Jesus' dad who's the huge sponsor and the volcanoes.
Jesus executed his uncle.
Really?
No, that was.
Oh, that's Kim Jong-un.
Yeah, that's Jesus.
I always confuse those two.
Me too.
So there's a little bit more to this.
Let's listen.
This is just pure Marxism coming out of the mouth of the Pope.
Are you a good Jesuit or a bad Jesuit?
That's Glenn Beck saying, are you a good Jesuit?
First of all, have you seen how Glenn Beck is dressing up lately?
Like he's in some kind of a Disney kids movie from the 40s.
And he's going to be leaving.
He's going to be leading the Wells Fargo wagon coming to time.
He's dressed up like as if you were like the guy with the bow tie in the Westerns.
Like that's how he's dressed up in one of those crazy vests.
And he's got those old-timey, like, I'm the pharmacist glasses in the 1800s.
It's unbelievable what he looks like.
He looks like, I'm like, are you getting ready to do some kind of a Mary Poppins thing or something?
What are you doing?
He's been getting ready to do that his entire life.
I don't know if you saw the other day he added a guest on his show, Cat Beloo.
It was true.
Western from the 60s.
All right.
Lee Marvin.
James Honda.
Okay.
So, yeah, so that's what happened.
So when, so when, so when the Pope starts to sound a little bit like Jesus, they got to distance themselves from the Pope right away.
They got to get, you know.
And Griglenbeck is right to be concerned about this Pope.
I mean, look at all the democratically elected governments throughout history that have been overthrown by all those other popes.
They've done a lot of damage, all that yakking.
All I can say is let's just hope that most people hate the poor as much as the conservatives do.
That's their hope.
I'll bet they do.
I think the Pope might be acting more liberal just as a way to get laid.
Frank, I couldn't agree about you.
I tweeted that and I was surprised at how few retweets that got.
I couldn't believe it.
I said the Pope is so getting laid tonight.
I got maybe three pretty.
Why does he need to get laid?
What if he's a foot fetishist and just all the washing of feet?
Just doing it for me.
That's it.
He's got a foot thing.
And you're like, that's not eggnog.
That's what I said.
Criminals' feet, too.
Not just anybody.
Yeah, he likes the bad boys' feet.
You bring this up because when the church was having its child molestation scandal, the instinct of all of everyone in power is to like, okay, that's awful, but let's preserve the church.
Let's not, you know, it's not all bad.
But when the Pope speaks out on behalf of the poor, they're ready to burn the whole place down.
Sure.
This is correct, Frank.
You know, Frankie, it's funny you bring that up because I think that scandal is ongoing.
I think it's still going on.
Yeah, I agree.
At least in my parish.
So, you know, talking about, speaking of that, Frank, you know, Cardinal Dolan from New York.
With the recent Supreme Court decision striking down the Defense of Marriage Act and effectively ending California's Proposition 8, the usual Cardinal Dolan is all upset about it, right?
He says these days the vocation of a man and a woman united forever in faith and love, leading to babies and families is as potent a sign of celibacy as for priests.
Besides, the truth shall set you free, he said.
That always gives us encouragement and Trump's worry and sadness, right?
That's what Cardinal Dolan said.
The truth shall set you free.
The truth shall set you free was on the secret police above the Brazilian building above this Brazilian secret police where they used to torture people.
The truth shall set you free.
Really?
Yeah.
So this talk about the truth setting you free thing.
Quote, files released by the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Milwaukee revealed that in 2007, the diocese archbishop at the time, Cardinal Timothy M. Dolan, requested permission from the Vatican to move nearly $57 million into a cemetery trust fund in order to protect the assets from victims of clergy sexual abuse who are demanding compensation.
Cardinal Dolan, now the Archbishop of New York, has in the past emphatically denied seeking to shield church funds as Archbishop of Milwaukee, as he reiterated in a statement on Monday that these were old and discredited attacks.
However, the files released Monday contain a letter he wrote to the Vatican in 2007 in which he explained that by transferring the assets, quote, I foresee an improved protection of these funds from any legal claim and liability.
End quote.
Nice.
That's Cardinal Dolan in New York who's upset about contraception.
He's upset about grown-ups using contraception, but he'd like to shield the child rapists.
And one of the main points of that whole story is that for doing that, he got a promotion.
Yeah.
He's the Cardinal in New York.
Now he's the Cardinal of New York.
Yes.
Actually, all the major diocese cardinals have a hand in this.
They all came up through this.
Yes.
They have some other things in it, too.
Playing puppet with the boys.
How else they could protect that $57 million?
How?
lawsuits is if they just gave it to the poor.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
*music*
Yes, hello.
Hey, Jimmy.
It's me, the Pope.
How are you doing?
Hey, did you see this?
Time magazine just made me a personal year.
Hey, but this no big deal.
And I mean, Matt Jimmy, I'm not just saying it because nobody reads it on magazine anymore.
It's like the Oscars.
Do you even remember who won the next day?
Of course you don't.
And do you know who I was up against?
The guy who runs Siri of all people and Tech Roosevelt why not Kanye West while you're considering just the Google Bowls.
Can you believe how people got bent out of shape over my comments about the capitalism?
Hey, folks, get at a grip.
All I said was the rich people have everything, and the poor people, they don't cover nothing.
What's the big deal?
Everybody knows that already.
Jesus said all the same things, and I stole all of my ideas from him.
Believe me, Jimmy.
I'm a bigger plagiarist than Mike Barnacle.
Rush Limbo?
He called me a Marxist.
He's a fat man, but he knows Jolly.
If I'm a Marxist, I stink at it.
I mean, do you see me up on the American balcony dropping millions of dollars in 20s on all the poor people below running around with their laundry baskets trying to catch them?
Besides, on my first day as Pope, they told me I couldn't do that.
I said, take the publicity.
But they said, no, Papa.
Go hug a man with leprosy.
So I did.
But even then, the people said, You are the one guy with leprosy, they're going to be lining up around the block.
Look like a Fallini movie.
But that's my hook, Jimmy.
I'm the happy pope.
Everybody got a like of me.
Okay.
Maybe I'm a little insecure.
But who is it when you come right down to it?
No?
Also, I was smart with the name.
I'm the first Pope, name of Francis.
I don't got to live up or do nothing.
So I don't worry when people freak out just because they said rich people are greedy.
It's like saying gay men are snarky.
Everybody knows it already.
It's just on a sense, Jimmy.
So why would I be hating one of the gays?
A son of wood, boss.
And I got nobody to answer my phone and write in my speeches and give me the fashion of the tips.
The Russia Limbaugh cry babies.
They complain because I hate to trickle down economic dissent.
Why did I say trickle-down is bad?
Because I'm 77 years old and I'm on stage praying for six hours straight without the bathroom, my boy.
Anyway, don't worry, all you Wall Street CEOs.
It's just a lot of chin music.
I'm at a pope with a hope.
Like at a Powerball ticket.
You feel great, even if you got a no chance.
Merry Christmas, Jimmy.
Oh, excuse me.
You are the atheist.
Happy holidays.
I forgive you, my friend.
As a pulp.
Thank you.
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Bye.
Bye.
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Okay, that's a special thanks to Mark Thompson, the great, the great Mark Thompson, for doing the voiceover for the NPR Underwriters commercial.
And it's a little bit, you know, if you go to their website, if you go to NPR's website, literally, there are ads for Goldman Sachs on their website.
That's unbelievable.
That's like, I don't know, that's like you go to the FBI website and you see some ads for Tony Soprano.
I don't know.
It's, you know, anyway, listen, we're up against a break.
When we come back, we've got a lot of stuff to get to.
We'll be back in one minute.
This is the Jimmy Door show on Pacifica.
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But let's get back to the second half.
Hi, welcome back to the Jimmy Dore show.
We got a lot of great stuff coming up in the second half.
We got phone calls from Chris Christie, Herman Kane, and Rick Perry.
And we got a lot more.
I'm joined in the studio by Frank Connant from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
I'm also joined by Steve Rosenfield, a former writer for The Daily Show, and hilarious comedian Robert Yasimura and Steph Zeborano.
Let's get back to the studio.
These are, by the way, these are some of the clips that have previously aired on the Jimmy Door show this year, right?
So this is some of our favorite clips in the last couple of months because I have the flu this week.
Okay, so let's get back to the studio.
Jimmy Rick Perry here.
Couple of things on my mind, Jimbo.
First, did you hear that General Motors made a chick president?
What the penis, man?
Pretty soon we're all going to be driving fuchsia PT cruisers with truck labia on the bumpers.
Come on, man.
The American car.
I want my pickup to come up with a tampon dispenser and a floral print of holstery.
Looks like I'll be buying a jack car next time.
At least they know how to keep their ladies in their place.
Giggling on the internet.
Okay, Migo, Adam Dose.
I'm currently denying benefits to same-sex families in the Texas National Guard because, you know what?
If I can't get my secret husband Ernesto on my dental, I'm sure as heck not going to give it to Colonel Lesbos and her division of deviants.
All right.
Man, I was in the military.
And pretending you weren't gay was part of the discipline.
That's what made you tough.
Hiding your boner after hand-to-hand practice.
Back, brother.
You know what I'm saying?
I mean, what if you get captured and can't hide the gay?
The enemy might make you do interior decorating or sing show tunes or something.
Okay, Jimbo, thanks for the air.
But now I got a jet.
I'm having those thoughts again, and I have to go do my exercises.
Butterfly kisses.
All right, as respects Rick Berry.
So Herman Kane is upset.
He's upset with the Republican Party.
He's upset with the Republican Party.
Bill O'Reilly had come out and said that the Republican Party is all over the place.
They don't have a coherent message.
And so they went to Herman Kane, and here's what Herman Kane had to say about it.
The Republican Party does have.
Hang on.
The Republican Party does have a branding problem.
They've had one for years.
Okay, Herman, the Republicans don't have a branding problem.
Okay.
I mean, I guess they do have a branding problem.
Their ancestors used to brand your ancestors.
That was a problem.
Yeah, I guess that was a problem.
Okay, so here he goes.
And I have been screaming to the top of my voice to whoever will listen in the Republican Party.
You need to.
And Gatton, and who was listening, Herman?
That would be no one.
No one.
I've been stripped to who will ever listen, which is no one.
No one will listen to you.
Okay.
To fix it, that was a way to fix it.
Just look at your most recent example.
The reason the Republicans won't fix the branding problem, Herman, is if they stop being racist, they'll lose all their racists.
Do you understand this?
All right, here we go.
Herman Kane is saying that when you think of the Republican Party, you think of something awful, like, for instance, Godfather Pizza.
Well, as Ben Mankowitz has said before, you don't have a branding problem.
It's not like the Republican Party.
It's all you guys have the best candy bar in the world, and you named it Cancer.
That's not the problem.
Okay, so he goes on.
He's got more to say, Herman Kane, about what he's upset with the Republican Party.
The RNC sent out a flyer to some of its members talking about potential 2016 presidential candidates.
Do you know what they had in common?
They all had been on TV and in the media a lot, and they were all white.
Where was Alan West?
Where was Dr. Ben Carson?
And have they ruled out the possibility that I might consider another run?
Yes, they have.
Where was Alan West?
In a room covering himself with his own feces.
If I know the guy, they rob Pluto firing a gun next to an Iraqi prisoner.
Well, where are you going to show?
Think about that for a minute because three people he's naming who he's saying should complain that Obama was showing Herman Cain, none of whom have ever been in political office ever.
Well, Alan West was a congressman, but Frank, he couldn't even win re-election in his own congressional district.
And somehow he's supposed to be a national candidate.
Ben Carson is not a great reason to hate his guts, but for some people good.
Speaking of elected state, the president was allowed to be able to do it.
Yes, in fact, Ben Carson was they took away his speaking engagement at Princeton after they found out what a crazy he was.
He was supposed to give the commencement address.
Am I wrong about that?
Then they took it away from Ben Carson.
This is true.
And so, and then they have him, him, who had to drop out of the race because he's a mainlander.
Yes, yes.
He goes, why don't they have more candidates?
Why don't they have more black candidates like Alan West and Herman Kane?
Then white and black voters would unite in choosing someone help.
Why just white crackpots when there are so many crackpots of color?
So he doesn't get the branding problem is that they branded to the white population.
Is that what he doesn't understand?
He doesn't understand.
And he doesn't understand that he's in a party that doesn't like him.
That they try to paint blacks to be scary as possible so they can get white racists to vote for them at the expense of any blacks voting for them, okay?
But they're playing a numbers game, more whites than blacks.
So the southern strategy was born.
So, in short, Herman, they don't really like you.
They only like to use you for cover for all their racism, voter suppression, suppression, and more racism.
That's all they need.
There's nothing like being a black guy trying to succeed in a part in a party that supported apartheid.
Yes.
Oh, my God.
That's right.
So you're the House Republican, basically, is what you are.
So I like how he goes, I've been screaming at the top of my voice to whoever will listen in the Republican Party, and they've been ignoring you at the top of their.
It's their own way of saying, Go yourself, Herman, and when are you going to get the message?
Yeah, there's nothing white Republicans love more than a black man yelling at the top of his voice.
He's just, he's just now figuring out.
He goes, What part of the Republican Party?
What don't you get about the Republicans, Herman?
This is my question.
I'm going to nominate you for shit detective in the world because you're just figuring out that they have a problem with black people leading their party.
That reminds me of when I heard Isaac Bashiva Singer complain that the Nazis wouldn't accept him.
The Jewish writer, right?
Okay.
What?
What?
Who the f are you?
On the phone, we have Herman Kane.
Herman, how are you, buddy?
Good.
How you doing, Jimmy?
It's been too long.
What you wearing?
Oh, come on, Herman.
What's your wife wearing?
That's the real question.
Yeah, listen, let's get back.
I'll just imagine.
Okay, so now you have, first of all, you're upset with the RNC because they put out a list of potential 2016 presidential candidates.
And, well, why don't you take it from there?
They were all white, right?
Yeah, what are they thinking?
All the people on the list were white dudes.
You know, not a single African American.
What about Alan West?
Yeah, I know.
He's going to be the next president, whether you like it or not.
Herman, you know you're.
What about Dr. Ben Carson?
He's a genius.
Herman, you know.
He's a neurosurgeon who also happens to know all sorts of things about other topics.
Yes.
Listen, Herman.
Well, what about me?
Herman.
What if I wanted to run again?
Why am I?
Why am I not on that list?
Herman, you know you're into racism.
Take that back.
I shouldn't go that far.
It's just an oversight.
You're in the Republican Party, Herman.
I know.
That's what hurts the most.
Do you get that they're trying to stop black people from voting?
Do you understand that they don't want your people part of the election?
Yeah, not all they do is they say they want an ID.
You need an ID to buy ice cream.
Why wouldn't you need an ID to vote?
Something like that.
Ha!
*music*
I got on the phone.
We're going to talk to him.
Governor Chris Christie.
Hi, Governor.
How are you?
All right.
Listen, Jimmy, before you ever start.
What?
Let me just say that two hamburgers doesn't order fries, right?
Three sausage peaches, two cherry pies, and a cake of diet coke.
What are you doing, Governor?
I'm ordering lunch.
Oh, for your office?
No, for me.
That's a lot.
I'm an emotional leader.
This is a difficult period of time.
Okay.
This scandal's getting close to you now, isn't it?
Listen, a couple of guys got sloppy, and they've been taken care of, but I mean, I didn't know nothing about nothing.
Okay.
About three lanes of the country's biggest bridge, busiest bridge being closed for four days, Governor.
I had no knowledge of this.
You had no knowledge of lane closures ordered by your office to create gridlock?
I was never made aware.
You weren't aware that there were people delayed for hours trying to get to work.
School kids couldn't get to school.
Emergency vehicles couldn't get around.
You weren't aware.
How do you claim to not know about this?
Nobody called me.
My paperboy was AWOL that week.
We are looking into that.
You could have looked out your office window and seen the backup.
Okay, Governor?
Yeah, what about Benghazi?
Okay.
Governor, let's try to stick to the subject.
I think you're trying to distract people now because you have no answers for this.
Believe me, Jimmy.
Had I known that the busiest bridge of the country was closed down as a punishment to my political enemies, I would have definitely done something about it.
But believe me, even though every person involved in this scandal is a close personal friend who was appointed by me and has been revealed to know everything about it, I was kept from the true facts of the lane closures.
Can you believe how fed up Obamacare is?
Governor, what's trying to distract us?
That website?
Are you kidding me?
Governor, get back to the okay.
You're starting to sound weird.
Listen, you know, what's funny is that you're not joking about this anymore.
Remember how you tried to laugh about it before?
That was before I knew that I didn't know what I was talking about.
Yeah, but you were joking.
No, a lot of those jokes were pretty solid.
I stand behind them.
Okay.
Listen, let me, can I ask you directly, just because this isn't getting us anywhere.
Let me ask you some questions about the people who were involved directly, and maybe that will get us a little farther along, a little farther along.
No, I don't know no godfather.
No, no, I didn't say godfather.
I said a little farther along.
I'm not talking about Michael Corleone or anything, okay?
So let's get back to that.
Oh, well, Don Corley, yeah, I was in the olive oil business with his father for a while, but I don't know no godfather.
Okay.
I want to ask you about the person who sent the email that started all this, Governor.
I want to ask you directly about Bridget Kelly.
Now, when it comes to Bridget Kelly.
No, I don't think I know Bridget A. Kelly.
Yeah, yes, yes, you do.
Bridget Kelly.
She's your deputy chief.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, the deputy chief.
I don't know.
I don't know, Bridget Kelly.
Her father, Peto Kelly, I was in the olive oil business with him, but I don't know about deputy.
Okay, okay.
What about, can we talk about David Wildstein, the person she sent the email to, David Wildstein?
No, no, I don't know David Wildstein.
What are you talking about?
You appointed him to head up the Port Authority.
I don't know about Port Authority.
Of course, you know the police.
He was your old friend from high school.
You appointed David Wildstein to be the head or to be your hand-picked guy running the Port Authority.
Oh, David, David Walsh.
Yes.
Oh, that's David Walsh.
Yeah, no, I don't.
I don't know who that is.
It's crazy for you to say that you don't know who these people are.
And for us to, you expect us to believe that.
Well, like I was out there moving cones.
That was fun.
We all had a good laugh.
Okay, yeah, that was, but now it's not funny.
Out there with overalls.
Yes.
Yeah, I don't know.
You shouldn't.
I mean, people who work on bridges wear overalls.
I don't think they do.
Now, I think, isn't that what you wear when you?
I don't know.
That's how out of touch I am.
Are you out of touch?
Yeah, like I was out there with a top hat and a chainsaw putting the cones out there.
Yeah, you don't know.
You don't know.
But I know how people do road work.
Yeah, you don't know how people know it.
Listen, I want to ask you a question about Senator Baroni.
Now, Senator Baroney recently.
Bill Baroni?
Yeah, Senator Baroni.
Oh, yeah, Bo Baroney.
Sure, I don't know.
What do you mean you don't know him?
He was at the Port Authority also.
Why are you pretending?
I can only tell you what Senator Baroni has said publicly to everybody in this office.
What?
Which is they believe the traffic study was necessary and they ordered it, but the way they did it was mistaken and they didn't follow protocols.
Really?
That's all you're going to say to me about it?
That's it?
There you go.
Okay.
Well, listen, I look forward to the day when you stop lying about this.
I look forward to the day when there's an investigation, and I look forward to the day we know the truth of everything.
That's what I look forward to.
Listen, the truth is that everybody knows the truth and nobody really gives a s.
What do you mean?
I'm going to be president of Fat Bully and nothing, nobody is getting in my way.
Do you understand me?
Okay, wow.
You know what?
Your bullying ex actually does work.
It scared me a little bit.
So, all right.
Well, thank you, Governor.
I appreciate it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So.
Okay.
Governor Chris Christie.
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
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And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Thank you.
Jimmy, it's me, Anna.
Another Schwarzenegger from the movies and the governorship and these sorts of things.
Yes, I think you know who it is.
Look, I have a movie coming out, and you'll go see it and it will blow your mind.
It's called Sabotage.
Sabotage better.
Which is a name so cool, even Franzi would be like, that's a cool name for a movie.
It's the most exciting film ever made since forever.
And if I play an elderly DEA agent, and my grandchildren are the other DEA agents, and they will go on crazy adventures together.
It's like so awesome.
If you go see it, you should be prepared to never find anything exciting ever again.
Other than that, I have been laying low.
I don't want to talk about it.
Okay, I'll talk about it.
Since the love baby and the divorce and bye-bye, governor, and these sorts of things, it's been such super quiet.
I used to grow up women like all the time.
And now I go up maybe like one woman a week.
And even then, I'm like, oh, now I'm touching a movie.
And this is better than a nap.
How?
I mainly wish you'd out of mind.
I watched a wrote.
I'm catching up on my skypoking on these sorts of things.
Because I've been really working hard on the acting.
Jimmy, did you know just saying the words correctly is not enough?
You have to really pretend to be the person and everything.
Like on sabotage.
And you're doing a scene.
And I think, what if I really was disguised the other guy?
It was really like a passion project for me.
Listen, Jimmy, I want you to call me and talk to me about things because you are my only friend who is not a prostitute to Danny DeVito.
Goodbye.
Okay, that was Arnold Schwarzenegger plugging his new movie, Sabotage.
Skype booking.
Well, I heard that he's doing a movie about when he decided to do the last action hero called Self-Sabotage.
So, Vince Vaughan, I called him.
You know, I like calling Vince Vaughn because he's my favorite conservative, but he got a little upset because I didn't really have anything to ask him.
You're both Chicago guys.
We're both from Chicago, Vince and I. So, I got his number.
I keep calling him.
He gets a little upset.
I'm going to play the call now for you.
And here's what we had to say.
So, Vince, listen, how are you doing?
This is Jimmy Dore from the Jimmy Door show.
Come on, okay.
Why are you calling me?
What's this about?
No, Vince, do you know how?
Well, I gotta change my phone number because of this.
Because if you're showing specifically, I have to change my type phone number.
Vince, I just want you're my favorite conservative.
And what about we don't have to talk politics?
What about the Winter Olympics?
Hey, you know what?
I'm not watching any of it.
I don't really care about any of it.
I'm not into the axles and twists.
I don't care.
I don't watch any of it.
I'm with you.
I'm not watching it either.
See, we connect.
Oh, yes, we have something in common then.
Yeah.
You're supposed to stay.
Yeah, I watch it.
Why are you calling me and asking me about something I don't even watch on television?
Because I just want to talk to you.
Are you turning into some sort of weird fanboy?
Maybe.
Okay.
Well, as per instructions, they're going to hang up right now.
Okay, that was it.
We didn't have anything else to say to each other, but I did call him back.
Oh, you did.
I did call him back.
And I got him on the phone again.
I really, I kind of froze.
I didn't really know what to ask him.
So here, I asked, here's, I just started talking.
I started, I'll be honest, I was babbling a little.
Here we go.
Hey, Vince, what about that?
What?
What?
Rolo?
What about the snow in North Carolina?
What about it?
Snowing.
You literally call and ask me about the weather.
What about talking to my grandma?
Is it Snowwood over there?
Yeah, it's Snowden.
Who gives a s?
Go to bed, Grandma.
All right, sorry, buddy.
Yeah, what the f?
You didn't say something.
He's had it.
You don't have anything to say.
Yeah, I don't have anything to say.
I find myself sympathetic to him.
I call him back.
Oh, did you know?
I love him.
I keep calling him.
Yeah.
Do you believe?
Is there a God?
Oh, Jesus.
You kidding me with this?
What the f?
Do you believe in an afterlife?
Do I believe in an afterlife?
Yeah.
I've asked myself that question many times, Chibitor.
And It's a question that all human beings must face at one point or another.
Right.
Whether it's the passing of a loved one or a crossroads of a major life event.
One must say, one must stare into the darkness and say, what is this?
What does it all mean?
What is the meaning behind it?
We're for our suffering as humanity.
And what did you come up with?
I don't know, but I like these.
Do you understand now?
Quit fucking calling me.
Okay, that was it.
I didn't call him again.
That was it.
He likes to say that.
Eventually, he's going to start looking at his color ID.
He will call her ID.
You know, he's got too much.
He's a good, he's an integrity and respect.
He doesn't want to ignore a call if he knows you.
You know, he's that kind of a guy.
It runs deep.
Vince Vaughn.
Vince Vaughn.
Now, here's one of my favorite rants that Steve Rosenfeld did, and it was on the heels of Nelson Mandela's funeral.
Let's give it a listen.
This week, President Obama was criticized for taking a picture of himself with British Prime Minister David Cameron and Danish Prime Minister Hella Thorning Schmidt at Nelson Mandela's Memorial Service.
Conservatives complain that Obama was showing disrespect for Mandela's memory, but since they also think Mandela was a communist terrorist, they should praise Obama for dissing him.
It was even suggested that the president was flirting with the Danish prime minister, which outraged conservatives because she's a white woman.
Obama seems to like taking selfies.
Not a great reason to hate his guts, but for some people, good enough.
Speaking of communist terrorists, the president was also harshly criticized for shaking Raul Castro's hand, even though snubbing Cuban dictators doesn't seem to be working.
The handshake was apparently part of Obama's master plan to be polite to leaders of countries he's walking past on the way to his seat.
John McCain compared the handshake to Chamberlain caving into Hitler, but McCain compares everything Obama does with Chamberlain caving into Hitler.
Personally, I don't understand why Obama shakes hands with George W. Bush, but that's just me.
Woo!
you you you you you you you Thank you.
Okay, I'm going to let you know about one other great way you can help support the show.
You become a premium member and you get access to all the premium content going back over a year ago.
And the way you do that is you go to JimmyDoorComedy.com, you click on premium, you make your $5 donation.
It's $5 a month, gets you all that.
That's less than a quarter a week.
And that gets you all the premium content.
But the big deal is that you're helping support the show.
And if you'd like to subscribe at a $10 member to help make up for some other people who don't have the money, that would be great too.
It's all about supporting the show and helping get the show out to people who need to hear it.
No one needs to hear it, but the people who would like to hear it.
Okay.
I don't know.
I think some people say they need to hear it, but I just would feel like a big buffoon saying something like that.
Okay, so thanks to everybody who does that, who's a donator and gets the premium content, okay?
And thanks, everybody who's listened this week.
Okay, today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by all the people who write the show.
Frank Coniff, Steve Rosenfield, Mike McRae, Steph Samurano, and Robert Yas Amura.
And Mark Van Landuit with a why.
Also want to give a shout out to Sean James who donates his time and his talent to make sure my computer runs.
I have a Macintosh and he can fix your Macintosh right over the internet.
It's a beautiful thing to see.
You give him a phone call at 347-695-0601.
Okay, that's it for this week.
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