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April 26, 2014 - Jimmy Dore Show
57:36
20140426_The_Jimmy_Dore_Show_4-26-14
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Look, guess who I got on the phone?
I got President Barack Obama on the phone.
I think I got him on the phone.
Hello, Mr. President.
Mr. President, hello.
Are you there, Mr. President?
Is he?
Yay!
This is President Over 7 Million Sign Up to Obamacare, Obama.
Hello, Mr. President.
How are you?
Well, Mr. President.
Yeah.
Aren't you going to congratulate your man, Barack?
Yes, congratulations on the successful launch of the Affordable Care Act, Mr. President.
I rope adult those Republicans so hard they ended up shadowboxing with their own health care plan.
Hey, Republicans, you feel that sting in the back of your neck?
That's pride fucking with you.
Nice one, Mr. President.
Very nice.
Listen, that's great that it's off to a good start, but I'm still disappointed that it's not Medicare for all, Mr. President.
You have to understand that, right?
Here we go.
Nothing's good enough.
Yeah.
Aren't you happy that I'm calling for reforms for the NSA surveillance programs that I denied existed?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, I'm not sure I understand what you're proposing.
Can you explain reforms?
Can you explain that?
Sure.
Instead of a government vote collecting everybody's phone data, the phone companies will do it for us.
Okay, I guess.
Which frees up time for the NSA to read your email.
So you won't be closing the $2 billion data center in Utah that everybody's internet and covering everybody's internet activities.
I won't worry about that, Jimmy.
What do you mean?
You won't worry.
I don't understand.
You wouldn't worry about that.
1 million square feet of internet storage we're talking about.
You know, Mr. President, I was hoping for something better out of you, honestly.
Oh, hell no.
I'm going to get angry black guy on your grumpy progressive ass.
Look around you.
I'm as good as it's going to get.
Americans now are on health coverage.
Bin Laden has been there, done that.
I took Social Security off the negotiation table.
Yes, yes.
All right.
Those are good.
For the midterm elections, I'll be evolving on your little pet social issues.
Kingstone Pipeline isn't fully approved yet.
And I haven't started any rough stuff with Syria or Crimea.
It seems like you and Carrie were banging the drum, though.
You know what I mean?
Jimmy, I'm like the guy who flirts all night, but never asks the girl out on a date.
I have to look like I might be interested, or else this present will end up in a Dallas plague someday.
Okay.
All right, I got it.
I get it.
I'd love to sit around all day listening to liberals bitching about me, but it's time for the Secret Service to let me win a basketball.
Okay, okay, Mr. President.
Thanks for calling.
The president, I appreciate it.
Taco, bye-bye.
Taco, bye-bye.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
...up-minded, lowly-livered lefties.
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you, TV.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Everybody, welcome to this week's show.
I know it's dropping a day late.
My apologies.
Things are getting busy.
The book is finally done.
So excited that your country is just not that into you.
Is officially done.
Okay, so wow.
You know, writing a book.
A lot more goes into it than I ever imagined.
Anyway, so it's done.
We're excited.
And so what's coming up on today's show?
Here's what's happening.
So we put together kind of a hybrid show.
We have some brand new sketches coming up.
Like that sketch at the top of the show from Barack Obama was a sketch that we previously had aired in our Oblivion Premium content.
So I have a few things from our premium content that we previously haven't released on the podcast or the radio show.
And so I'm going to give people some stuff, some content from our premium shows.
Plus, we have some new sketches.
We have a sketch because the Boston Marathon happened.
It was a big deal because it was the first year after the terrorist attack at the Boston Marathon.
And we have a phone call from a random guy named Sullivan from Boston.
And it's very tilarious.
So enjoy that.
And who else calls in?
Oh, we have Luke Russard calls in.
That is great.
Plus, we have Oscar Pistorius, you know, the guy, the Blade Runner guy who killed his model girlfriend.
We have a phone call from him.
But right now, we're going to kick it off.
We've got some income inequality stuff.
Again, more women advocating for less money for women, Ms. Wild.
Some crazy deniers of healthcare and Obamacare.
That's coming up.
Plus, we revisit our most offended listener call from a few weeks ago.
And now let's hear the new NPR promo with Mark Thompson again.
Love it.
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Have one of our confidence men handle your money today.
Trans Canada Pipelines, laying pipe up America's backyard.
When you're this excited, it's hard not to spill some.
The Prison Industrial Complex, committed to providing high-quality prison facilities for your children and your children's children.
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For generations, the public has been taking Pfizer products, and for generations, Pfizer has been taking the public.
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Ford Motors, discouraging public transit in cities across our great country.
Monsanto, genetically modifying Americans for over a century.
And China, manufacturing the finest in Sesame Street toys and pledge drive tote bags.
Additional funding by the Rosalind P. Russell Foundation, who believe that culture should be free to everybody, if you're rich enough.
The Rebecca and Irwin Gross Trust, dedicated to making sure their daughter Terry has a job.
And from viewers like you.
Thank you.
Okay, so now a lot of weird stuff is happening where there's talking about equal pay.
It was the big equal pay day.
Barack Obama talking about getting women equal pay.
They say that some people say that women get paid 30% less than men, right?
Is that what they say, Robert?
It's roughly 72 to 77 cents on the dollar, yeah.
Yes, okay, so there you go.
And, you know, in this upside-down world of Fox News, here we are.
You're going to have Alan Combs on with two women talking about pay Equity for women.
And in this upside-down world of Fox News, you have a man arguing against two women who are for gender wage discrimination.
That's really what it is.
And well, here, let's play the first clip.
Here's what she kind of lays it out.
He's disputing that there is a gap.
That's what's the same about all of these different numbers.
But it's so hard.
I mean, when you drill down on the data, no two people are the same.
No job is the same.
You try and parse what's going on.
And, you know, different people make different decisions and look for different things in a workplace.
Yeah, for instance, like some guys in employment situations look to hire a lot of women because they can pay them less, right?
So that's kind of cool.
All right.
So now here's Alan Combs.
And watch, he's going to, she says that stupid stuff.
And watch Alan Combs, Dave.
He's going, bam!
He's going to come right back at her.
Go get him, Alan.
I think what they're talking about is the same job with the same qualifications.
I believe it was median.
Median is a median, not only that.
But that's the middle person.
They also specified education.
Bam!
Good for you.
Did you see Combs just come right back at her?
He just went right back at her.
But also, even if it wasn't same job, same qualifications, blah, blah, blah.
Even if it was everything else, the numbers should still be the same when you shake it all out.
If women were being paid equally for everything, then when you shook it down, you'd still have equality, which you don't.
But you don't have equality.
No, you don't.
No, you do not.
Despite what that woman wants you to believe.
So now here's the other pretty woman on Fox News.
She's going to.
Oh, and by the way, despite women being 60% of the current workforce.
Yes.
More women are employed than men in this country, right?
Well, that's just so that they can balance out the less money that they're making.
Yeah, they have to send more of them to work to do that.
And now here comes Pretty Blonde Fox Lady, and she's going to tell us that she's going to totally admit that unequal pay for women is happening in an apples to apples comparison, but then she just kind of completely blows it off.
Let's watch.
The Labor Department, according to the numbers I saw, did the most accurate look at an apples to apples comparison, and they found only a 5 cent discrepancy between what men are paid and what women are paid.
She goes, only a 5%, which she makes sound like, so I'm cool with it.
Right?
Isn't that what it sounded like she was saying?
So it's only 5%.
So what's the big whoop in an apples to apples comparison?
That's what she's saying.
So two people, a man and a woman, doing the exact same job, that would be an apples-to-apples comparison.
And what she's saying is that when you do that, it's not 77 cents on the dollar.
It's really just 5 cents less or 5% less.
She said cent, but she meant percent.
And so, and then she's like, well, let's so go ahead, Robert.
And by the way, I don't buy that statistic.
No, I don't buy that statistic either, but that's what she's saying.
So she's admitting there's a 5% pay difference when it comes to apples to apples comparison.
And then she immediately does an apples to oranges comparison.
Here, let's watch.
You know, when you look through all the numbers, it is a fact that there are more men who are engineers, more men who are in these higher-paying jobs typically, and that's just a statistically true fact.
Yes, so did you hear what she said?
Well, she said, when you go apples to apples, women are only losing 5% of pay.
But then to back it up, I'm going to give you an apples to oranges comparison.
And yeah, it turns out that men make more money when they're engineers.
That's what she's saying.
Right.
So shouldn't she have found the data to find out do women engineers make the same as men engineers?
That would be the comparison.
That would make sense, but I guess.
But isn't that just apples to kiwi?
I don't know what that is.
It's apples to Kiwi.
Well, when she was comparing apples to apples, she didn't notice that one of the apples had a huge bite taken out of it.
And it's like she's saying, it's like she's saying, yeah, the fact that men, thanks to the wage gap, are paid more than women, that's proof that women shouldn't be paid as much as men.
So she said, look, engineers make more money.
She's like, she has no points.
It is so weird to see women advocating against equal pay for women.
And a guy has to stand up for women.
But it's nice to know, Dave, that when a woman is advocating for lower pay for women, that she's being paid less than a man advocating against the money.
That's at least the silver lining.
That is the silver lining.
That's what I'd like to say.
And I try to, I'm going to use that joke a couple more times on this show.
I have a feeling.
And she does make a good point, though.
There's no such thing as a female engineer.
I've never heard of one.
Is that what she's saying?
I love the fact that she doesn't then follow up with, and that's because women have traditionally been talked down to in the sciences.
Yes.
Yeah.
You know, this is a part of a big systemic problem.
The Democrats are just trying to address the most overt and egregious piece of injustice that's there, but it's part of a huge problem in terms of how we deal with fixing long thousands of years of chauvinism.
Yeah, but Robert, when you compare apples to apples comparison, women do much better when you do an apples to apples comparison.
And to back that up, I'm going to show you an apples to oranges comparison in just a second.
That's really fair.
The whole thing's bananas.
I mean, what if it was any, if it was anybody else, if it was like, you know, it turns out there's a disparity in pay between, say, Armenians and the rest of the world.
People would be like, that's a little effed up.
Like, no, if you look at they only make 5% less.
So it's okay.
That's just, you know, the Armenian taxes.
They deserve it.
Yeah.
So there was Carl Levin as a retired senator.
He's been a senator since 1840 in Michigan.
And he voted for Chippe Canoe and Levin, too.
Yeah, that's right.
He was instrumental in the Reconstruction period in the South.
Anyway, so he's a Democrat.
He's the chief.
He survived the TPOTO scandal.
He sure did.
He did, yeah.
So he's in the and the Astrodome scandal, which he really spanned a long time.
So he's retiring, so they're having a special, they're having an election to replace him.
And the Democrat is having to, again, defend Obamacare in that race.
And here's the commercial that the Republican is running in Michigan about Obamacare.
My name is Julie Boonstraw, and five years ago, I was diagnosed with leukemia.
I found out that I only have a 20% chance of surviving.
My insurance was canceled because of Obamacare.
Now the out-of-pocket costs are so high, it's unaffordable.
If I do not receive my medication, I will die.
She might die from stupidity, but first, right?
I think that's the only thing.
She might die.
I might die.
Okay, so it was pointed out to her by what, so they did a little checking.
She doesn't, by the way, she doesn't have Lou Garrick's disease.
She has Lou Cost Bellows disease.
So she did.
So she's totally wrong about that, right?
So Obamacare, the Detroit Free Press did a little checking.
Turns out, hey, you can get a plan for less than what you're paying right now.
It's a better plan.
You can't be ever canceled.
Blah, blah, blah.
Everything's better, lower out-of-pocket costs.
They cap your out-of-pocket cost.
You have a better plan waiting for you.
So these ads were so false, misleading, and just blatant.
That's a blatant lie that the lawyers for the Democrat in Michigan sent letters to the TV stations saying, please stop running this because this is so blatantly false.
Could you please fact check some one commercial you run?
Who sent this?
So the lawyers for the Democrat in Michigan who's running for Carl Levin's seat.
Whoever that is, I'm sure I have that name written down somewhere.
Right?
Yes, you do have it written down somewhere.
Okay.
So I'm struggling.
The internet is a little slow.
Oh, really?
Yeah, I can't.
I can tell you who's running in Iowa.
I don't want to know.
So guess, so they sent letters to the TV stations.
And then this is, so then, what did the Republican do?
They came out with another commercial.
And here's that commercial.
Here's the next commercial.
When I heard that Congressman Peters was going after my credibility, it was devastating.
I just want Congressman Peters to help me to listen to me.
Instead, he's trying to silence me.
He's trying to tell you to quit making stuff up and that they have a healthcare plan waiting for you, you knucklehead.
Yeah, well, the Detroit Free Press has already helped you.
Yes, they did.
Man, my favorite thing is that the Detroit Free Press said, you know, this is the case.
And she said, well, I don't believe it.
Well, here's what the here's what the difference is.
Gary Peters.
Gary Peters is running against.
He's running against Terry Lynn.
Terry Lynn.
Terry Lynn, the Republican.
Gary Peters is the Democrat congressman running for Carl Levin's seat in Michigan.
And so the Detroit Free Press did that investigation.
And here it is.
Here's her plan.
Her plan is, her old plan is $1,100 a month and $13,000 a year and out of pocket.
Her new plan is $571 a month and $6,800 a year out of pocket.
Cheaper, better, and gives her better coverage.
Thanks, Obama.
I think actually the $6,800 a year out of pocket is even less, I think.
According to the Detroit Free Press.
Yeah, no, I read an article yesterday that that's the federal maximum, and the plan she qualified for is even better.
Yeah, so she's.
And it's like $5,000 out of pocket per year is the max.
So they tell her this.
The Detroit newspaper tells her this.
People tell her this.
And this is what she says.
This is true.
She said, it can't be true.
I personally do not believe that.
Oh, okay, then.
I've had this experience, by the way.
I was on Facebook, and there's this young lady who used to be a waitress at a comedy club in Chicago, and she's very nice.
And she's right, and she did something about, you know, remember they had those fake doctors come out wearing fake white lab coats talking about how bad Obamacare was?
I think the lab coach were actually lab coaches.
They were actual lab coaches, yes.
And so she posted that video, and I said, you know, everything this woman's saying is wrong.
And she's just lying about Obama.
This is not, in fact, you know, this Bob.
And she just wrote, I don't, the girl who posted it, she wrote back, I don't care what you say.
I'll never believe that Obamacare can help me.
Well, then.
Okay.
You all said that.
Yeah, we can wrap this conversation up then.
Yeah.
So that's what we're up against.
So every time they come out with a new commercial, Sean Hannity's got some people.
I guess with this woman in Michigan, the seven stages of dying are denial, denial, denial, denials.
It's weird.
You wouldn't think she'd deny the treatment, but it turns out she does.
But you know, the original part of Obamacare was that it was going to bankrupt the government.
Right?
Right.
Right.
It was government takeover.
Takeover.
Right.
I mean, who in their right mind, what even moderately rational person thinks that the intent of Obamacare was not to get people who need coverage coverage.
Right.
I mean, it just defies lies.
There's no way it does this.
Yeah.
Like, that's the whole point.
And by the way, if your plan did kill you, the whole thing is you can get another plan.
That was tentacle one of the law.
You can't be denied coverage.
That's the whole point.
So their tactic has changed completely.
Yes.
They've conceded that it's not government takeover of health care.
Now they're just making up lies about it.
Now they're just saying, no, no, what it's going to do is cost you health coverage.
Yeah.
Why would they implement a plan?
But this plays into the narrative, Ben.
The narrative is we're taking health care and we're taking money from Whitey and we're giving it to Blackie.
That's right.
That's true.
And that's what they see.
You don't get health care, but Blackie does.
Blackie, who's in the inner city, not working.
And in fact, I thought your blackout got kind of screwed more out of this because of the Medicare expansion.
They wouldn't take it.
And that really hurts the working poor.
Yes.
So actually, a lot of black people, a lot of poor people, white and of color, really came out on the rough end of this.
Yes.
More than a lot of the people that the Republican Party is catering to.
That can't be true.
I personally do not believe that.
Bye.
you you Okay, now the Boston Marathon, of course, you know, was marred by terrorism last year.
They ran it again this year, just last week, and was a big success.
We called a Boston guy at random out of the phone book, a guy named Sullivan, to see what he had to say about the Boston Marathon this year.
Let's listen to that phone call.
*Eleks* *phone rings* you
You got Sully fucking your ear hole.
Is this Tommy Sullivan?
Hello?
Is this Tommy Sullivan?
Of course it is.
What I just fucking say.
You want me to say it all fancy?
Okay, this is Thomas Sullivan making love to your ear hole.
Okay, Mr. Sullivan, this is Jimmy Dore.
Hello.
Jimmy Doe.
Hello.
This is Jimmy Dore.
That guy from L Street, I'll fucking kill you.
No, I'm calling from a radio show in California.
Oh, okay.
I see what you're doing.
Sure.
I just wanted to ask you about the marathon the other day.
Boston Strong.
Yeah.
Boston Strong.
You hear that, you friggin' foreigner, foreigner pieces of crap.
So you were at the finish line.
How was it?
Jimmy, I swear to fucking God.
Can you believe that totally isolated incident that happened at one time didn't happen again?
I pretty much can believe it.
It was like, holy crap, nothing's blowing up.
Jesus must holy love Boston and not those other cities that blow up several years in a row.
So you had a good time.
Are you kidding me?
Me and Whitey and Fitchie got wicked pissing and threw garbage at the runners.
It was like the best time ever.
They were all like, why are you throwing garbage at us?
We were like, shut the fuck up and take it.
Fucking twats.
Okay, well, I don't think that's a good thing.
What the fuck do you know, California boys?
Go smoke some dope out of an avocado, you fucking fruit.
And then...
And an American won the race this year for the first time in 20 years.
And it is about fucking time.
It is about fucking time.
We got all these crazy Kenyans coming in here winning the races.
And we're like, you run like a magic tyson.
You should come have a beer with us.
And we're all like, no, like to have, you know, better nuts or some shit.
But now we got an American, a normal guy like us who likes drinking beer and nailing chicks and hanging drywall.
Well, congratulations on that.
Hey, well, what were we doing?
What was that guy's name?
The guy that won the race?
Meb Kaflezigi.
What?
Meb Kaflezigi?
Who?
What the hell kind of an American name is that?
I think it's originally Eritrean, but he's an American.
That's bullshit.
An American name is like Sean O'Hara or something.
Meb?
Meb?
That's like a name from the Matrix or some shit.
Yeah, but there's a very strong police presence this year.
Did you feel safe?
Jimmy, have you ever met the Boston police?
The safe is not a word that springs to mind whenever.
I tell you, with that many coughs around, I'm surprised when a black guy won a race.
They didn't give him a beatdown and plant drugs on him.
Really?
They're that bad.
Seriously, you get too much of a suntan around here.
You're just asking to be tased.
They stopped putting to protect and serve on a cause because they didn't want to create false expectations.
I think I know what you're talking about.
You know, I'm from Chicago.
Oh, really?
You think you all cops are more racist than all cops?
You think you're better than us?
No, that's not what I'm saying.
How about you go back to having sex with cows and railroad cars in your little pretend city, okay?
Well, thanks for your time, Mr. Sullivan.
Thank you, Jimmy.
Boston Strong.
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Okay, now let's get back to the second half of the show.
Music.
Music.
Thank you.
Bye.
We'll be right back.
Hi, and welcome back to the second half of the Jimmy Door show.
We got a lot of stuff lined up for you in the second half.
We're going to be doing another ticket giveaway for our shows, which is coming up next Friday and Saturday in Claremont, California, May 2nd and 3rd.
We're going to be giving away some tickets for that in a few minutes.
So stay tuned, get ready.
And I'll give you the number in just a second to call.
But we're coming up on the second half of the Jimmy Door show.
We got phone calls from Luke Russert.
That's right.
We got a phone call from Luke Rustert and Oscar Pistorius.
You know, the Olympian, the Blade Runner guy, the Olympian, right, who shot his girlfriend through the bathroom door and said he thought she was a burglar.
So we have a phone call from him because that story is pretty incredible and unbelievable.
But we got a phone call from him coming up.
That's right.
We got a phone call from Luke Russert.
And right now we're going to talk about Glenn Beck.
He got a message from God and it wasn't just a regular message.
Let's get to it right now.
I'm joined in the studio by Ben Mankowitz from Turner Classic Movies and Steph Zamarano from the host of Comedy Everything Else and from Team Yasamura.
It's Robert Yasamura.
Okay, so I haven't played a Glenn Beck clip on the show since he got fired from Fox News, right?
So, because I just think he's in the Ethernet and it doesn't matter.
But he bets, that's how bad crazy Glenn Beck.
Too crazy for Fox.
That should be on his headstone, right?
Too crazy for Fox.
They put me off.
And by the way, his thing about making $90 million, he claimed he'd make $90 million a year off subscriptions.
Total bulls.
Because when Sky TV or whatever, Rupert Murdoch offered him to come on his satellite television, he jumped at it immediately.
And I'm pretty sure he's not getting $90 million, right?
So.
Yeah, it's a fair point to make.
Yeah, so you give up.
If you're making $90 million, you do the show you want, however you want to do it, making $90 million.
Yeah, I think it's a good thing.
Because now his show's for free, right?
So that screws all his subscribers, right?
So anyway, so that's just something I like to talk about.
I don't know if anybody else cares about that.
But all the Bunny Burglenbeck claims he's making, he's not.
Okay.
So lately, though, the beauty of someone gave him a message, right?
And he took it to heart.
And what is that message, Glenn?
Huh.
This last summer, I just got the, I got the extreme message.
Stand down, buddy.
Stand down.
You don't even know where I'm taking you.
Sit down.
Shut up.
Be patient.
Who's telling you?
I told you to get in the car.
We're going someplace.
And you keep saying, but what are we going over here for?
Why are we going, shut up?
Sit down.
Zip your mouth.
Who said that?
Know that I am God.
Okay.
God told him.
God told him.
Holy shit.
Why didn't so you tell?
So why didn't God tell him that Romney was going to lose?
I don't understand.
Since God just tells us, God only tells him to shut up, but God doesn't tell him.
He didn't tell them to shut up before he got fired from five.
I don't understand.
I'm not a religious person.
You're not.
Jimmy Nell.
So I don't get a lot of messages from fictional deities.
But I'm curious how God distinguishes his regular messages from his extreme messages.
Extreme.
Yeah.
I got an extreme message from God.
God's a little upset.
Oh, my God.
Normally, ask God.
Oh, wait, this is an extreme call.
I'm going to take this.
I thought it was just a regular God call.
No, God flagged that message.
God put it priority.
Priority.
That's right.
Priority, sure.
Hey, so God's all-powerful, but he's performing miracles through a third-rate cable news network.
He looks like a character from American Hustle, too, doesn't he?
A little bit?
Like those glasses, they're gold and they look a little tinted.
No, but I didn't see American Hustle because I don't see films, but I do think he looks like he's in some kind of some Disney movie from the 50s where he's going to be leading the Wells Fargo wagon coming down the get-up he has on?
Yeah, he looks cast.
It's so weird, right?
Like, did you just come out of the wardrobe and you're going to be shooting a thing for the old Mayberry show?
What are you doing?
Yeah, I don't know what that.
I don't know what all of a sudden happened to him.
I don't know either.
So it's nice.
I guess it wouldn't work as well if he had said he was getting his advice from a team of media consultants.
So maybe that's why he says it's God.
Maybe that's why he says it's God.
Yeah.
It's a strange message from God.
But if there really is a God, why did Obama get re-elected?
I mean, that proves there's no God, right?
Or God's.
Yeah, or God really only has power over certain people.
Like, he couldn't influence the election, but somebody tells me, God tells Glenn Beck to be quiet, or God is just on our side.
Like, God, like, let Obama be elected.
And he was like, for the love of God, stand down.
Shut up.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Stand down because I'm going to tell you what to do later.
Yes.
Whatever.
So God told Glenn Beck to do this a couple months ago, according to.
And I don't know if you've noticed.
Glenn Beck has not shut the fuck up, ladies and gentlemen.
Disrespecting God's orders right in his face.
He's been top of his lungs ever since.
I haven't seen him slow down.
Have you?
Could you?
His crew, when we ran that clip, like he's got a big, got a big, got a bunch of guys.
I feel like they lost eye.
They couldn't make eye contact with him afterwards, you know?
Oh, he's going to do the thing where God talked to him.
All right, let's look over here.
Check my Twitter.
Kind of check my Twitter.
I got to write something down.
Step back's getting the messages again from Jesus.
And that this time it's telling him to shut the fuck up.
And I bet he doesn't.
He didn't.
All right.
All right.
I have MSNBC Washington correspondent Luke Russert on the line.
Hey, Luke.
What's up, Bruny?
How was your Easter?
Did you crush it in the Easter egg, hunt?
No, you know, I never understood why Christians celebrate the resurrection of the Messiah with bunny rabbits that shit out chocolate eggs.
It's a universally recognized symbol, resurrection, the chocolate egg.
Luke, what have you been hearing about David Gregory and the NBC hiring psychological consultants to figure out why he isn't connecting with audiences?
Yeah, everybody's freaked out that Meet the Press is tanking.
So they had these guys do personality tests on David Gregory and they discovered that he doesn't have a personality.
Byrne.
The psychological consultants asked me about his behavior.
I had to tell them I've seen David Gregory talking to himself.
Really?
Yeah, have you seen his ratings?
Do you think he has a future hosting Meet the Press?
Well, there's two schools of thought about David Gregory.
One side thinks that David Gregory isn't very good.
The other side thinks that David Gregory sucks.
Sure.
I, as a journalist, cannot take a side in the matter, but I respect both opinions.
So you haven't heard anything about NBC wanting to replace David Gregory.
There's only one person who should host Meet the Press, and that person is totally me.
It is my birthright.
You know, I don't think that's the way they should give news shows out by there are rules of heredity in NBC News, just like in the royal kingdom of England.
Yeah, so that's the problem, right?
Because the news thing is supposed to be the purview of the regular man.
It's supposed to be.
Well, it's cute to take that.
Who else are you going to give it to?
Chuck Todd?
Why not?
Too old?
Too bald.
Okay, I see.
The makeup department uses buckets of dirt to take the shine off Chuck Todd's head.
Does David Gregory know what you think about him?
To his face, I tell Gregory that he's doing great at my daddy's job and that I got his back.
But late at night when nobody's around, I go down to the set and smile into the teleprompter while saying, if it's Sunday, it must be Meet the Press.
It sounds like all about Eve.
All about what?
It's an old movie.
You wouldn't know what I'm talking about.
Jimmy, I totally love old movies.
Really?
Last night I was watching Iron Man 1.
Ah, classic.
You find out so much about history and stuff.
Maybe Meet the Press's outlive to truthfulness, Luke.
Party talking points, unchallenged assertions, uninformed debate.
And I can't be the only person who's noticed that the so-called newsmaker panel never actually makes any news.
But Jimmy, without Meet the Press, where would audiences get your wit and wisdom of David Brooks and Debbie Wasserman Schultz?
Good point.
Jimmy, I gotta go.
I'm covering the situation in the Ukraine.
You're going over to Crimea to report what's happening?
What?
No way, dude.
I got this Russian source who friended me on Facebook.
Her name is Natasha, and she's smoking hot.
That's all the research I need to do.
I really think you should do a little more research.
You should find out more.
There's nothing to find out.
Both sides do it.
Okay, we've been talking to the world's luckiest intern, Luke Russert.
Both sides do it.
The Jimmy Dora show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Hey, let me tell you about one other way you can help support the show this month.
Mother's Day is here.
So if you're going to send something nice to somebody for Mother's Day, and then you're thinking about those giant strawberries we talk about from Sherry's Berries, it's a great way to help support the show.
They're gigantic strawberries dipped in chocolate, white or chalk or chocolate chocolate.
I think that's what you call it.
White chocolate or chocolate.
Do they call chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate?
If they don't, they should.
Anyway, it sounds like a great t-shirt.
Chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate.
Anyway, so here's the deal.
If you go to berries.com, B-E-R-R-I-E-S dot com, and you click on the microphone in the upper right-hand corner, you put in our code.
That's Jimmy D, you get a deal.
The deal is you get half a dozen of those gigantic strawberries for $19.99, and you can get it.
You can double it for just $10 more.
So you go to berries.com, B-E-R-R-I-E-S.com.
You click on the microphone, you put in Jimmy D. And then when you send some strawberries, they send us some money, right?
And everybody's happy.
So it's one of those cool things where everyone's a winner.
So that's a great way to help support this show.
If you're sending berries, Sherry's Berries are fantastic.
You've heard me talk about them.
I used to send them before even they were advertised on our show.
So I love them.
Everyone loves them.
Who gets them?
Berries.com, B-E-R-R-I-E-S.com.
Click on the microphone, send some berries, and they are fantastic.
You know, I don't want to sit here and be a salesman, but they are.
They're the biggest strawberries I've ever had.
And if you send them to someone, they're going to be impressed.
Okay, and that's a great way to help support the show.
Now, let's get back.
We got some fun stuff coming.
Hey, most offended listener.
We're going to hear from him again, right?
Well, it's actually a replay of the most offended listener.
But it may be the funniest thing in the world.
So we're playing it again.
All right, get ready.
And thanks for helping support the show.
So guess who called in?
The world's most easily offended listener called in.
Oh, my.
Yeah, let's hear what he had to say.
Hello?
Yes.
Hello.
Oh, this is.
Oh, hi.
This is the most easily offended.
This is offended listener.
Oh, for our, okay.
So for our listeners, if you don't know, this is the most easily offended listener who listens to the show sometimes.
How are you doing?
Okay, you act like that's a bad thing.
No, no, not at all.
Well, the truth is, I happen to have a very highly developed sense of empathy that allows me to feel offended on behalf of all other humans on the planet.
Oh, that doesn't sound good.
It's my cross to bear, Jimmy, which is a metaphor I use only because it's convenient, not because I believe in the Judeo-Christian patriarchy.
Okay.
Well, fine, Mr. Funny Man.
Now, you and your persons have been having a good laugh at Governor Christie's weight issues.
Yes, we do make a lot of fat jokes about Governor Christie.
Which, to start with, it's not fat, okay?
That is hate speech.
They prefer plus math Americans, okay?
Hey!
laughter Do they really?
Don't patronize me with your little gesture agrees with you, game.
I wasn't.
Look, I'm not going to defend the jokes we make about Chris Christie.
They're totally juvenile and stupid, but they make us laugh.
Oh, and that's all that matters, isn't it?
White heterosexual male.
I don't know, man.
And the biggest offender against the corpulent is Mr. Frank Connant.
Yes, he makes a lot of fat jokes about Christie.
Yeah, well, it has come to my attention that Mr. Conant is himself a large man.
Yes, that's true.
I think he'd be the first one to admit that, though.
Well, let's see how you like it, so-called TV's Frank.
You're a fatty, a big, fat, fatty who does not conform to the enforced conventional norms of beauty.
I am laughing heartily.
Wow.
Mr. Connoff is so overweight that he sued Xbox 360 for guessing his weight because his weight is roughly 360 pounds, and he foolishly assumed that the Microsoft Corporation to name the device after him.
Hmm.
That's comedy.
And I know I've taken improv classes.
Okay.
Spontaneous combustion.
We perform live every, you know, whenever we, whatever, go on.
Okay.
Oh, did you hear, Jimmy?
When Mr. Connest sits around, he sits around.
Just think two vernacular uses of that phrase for humorous results.
You know, Joe, I don't think you're good at this joke thing.
Oh, goddess, I know.
Oh, I feel horrible about this.
Please apologize to Frank for me.
I was trying to make a point through satire.
Got it.
But even satire is so hurtful, it makes me really upset.
Where did you get those jokes?
I don't want to say.
Come on, tell me.
From a website called Your Mama.
So large.com.
But instead of large, they say daughter word.
Okay, well, that's what I thought.
And then I carefully edit out the Your Mama part so that it would make sense in this context.
I got it.
Oh, Jimmy, that website was awful.
All they were doing was making fun of overweight mothers.
And these are meant to be taunts at other children, Jimmy.
Other African American children.
I'm aware of that.
Well, shouldn't somebody do something about this?
It's just more black on black violence.
We might as well be shooting firearms at one another and then accidentally kidding the overweight mother who can't help it because she's so large.
A bullet is bound to hit her.
Yes, you're right.
Listen, someone should do something about that, but I got to go here.
Listen, is there anything else you were offended by this week?
Yes.
Right after your program on KPFK, did you know there is a show called the Pacho Hour of Power?
The Pocho.
Who cares?
Yes, I did know that.
Well, as we all know, Pocho, Hour of Power, is lingo for anal sex with a naturalized Latina match.
Yeah, you know, I never heard that.
Well, it is.
And I just want to say that I'm offended by them degrading to this beautiful act of interracial love as a private matter.
Okay.
Okay, fine.
Goodbye.
I'm offended, and you won't change that.
Okay, that was the world's most easily offended listener.
He is offended.
He eviscerated me.
Frank, are you reeling from that now?
Are you feeling?
I'll think twice before I do a fat joke again.
I'll tell you that.
Boy, he certainly put you in your place.
Yeah, he really did it.
And that's a large place because I'm a big man.
terrible Of the Oscar Pistorius trial.
He's the Olympic athlete who shot to death his supermodel girlfriend.
And as it happens, I know Oscar, so I gave him a call and I wanted to ask him.
A lot of people think he's being over-emotional and faking it and that he's not really sad.
Anyway, so I gave Oscar a call.
I wanted to ask him about that and a lot of other stuff.
Here's our phone call with Oscar.
Oh, no, it's me, Oscar Pistorius.
Oscar, it's me, Jimmy Dore.
Oh, hi, Jimmy.
My two-legged American friend.
So how's the trial going?
Oh, you know, it's going very badly.
People are all saying things like, I'm violent and abusive and I like guns.
And is that true?
Oh, Jimmy, I'm sorry.
I'm so done with emotion.
I have to vomit in my quarter provided bucket.
Oscar, you know, a lot of people think that you're just pretending to be so torn up.
Oh, my God.
Why would you say that to me?
I walk on stumps and my girlfriend died.
Well, she died because you shot her.
I know.
It's awful.
I thought maybe she was a burglar in my bathroom.
You know, the way they're always trying to steal things in your toilet.
You know, I've never heard of that happening.
And I was so scared and on my stumps, and all of a sudden, I had a loaded gun, and then I accidentally shot through the door.
Yeah, accidentally, because you've claimed that you thought you were shooting a burglar.
It wasn't an accident.
Yes, I thought I was accidentally shooting a burglar.
I didn't want to shoot the burglar, but then the gun accidentally went off four or five times in precisely the direction that might kill my girlfriend.
You know, Oscar, I got to tell you, your story sounds pretty incredible.
Because you're calling me a liar, Jimmy Door.
Well, not exactly.
Because I'm Oscar Pistorius, the only Paralympian you can even name.
I'm like a living god.
Okay, okay.
All right, okay.
Why would I lie?
I had the kind of money and fame that where I can have any woman I want and then shoot them through a bathroom door.
You know, I gotta tell you, Oscar, I don't think you're helping yourself here.
I don't need your help.
You need help.
And I do that by fighting crime with my leg blades and firearms.
You know, I don't think that's something that happens.
Maybe it is.
You know, an accident.
Oscar, I just think that if we were, I just think that if it was me and I thought there was a burglar, my first instinct would be to check on my girlfriend first.
Oh, well, it must be very nice to be you, Jimmy Door, in your magical standing world.
But I live in South Africa where all kinds of crazy African crimes happen and no-legged people are shot all the time.
It really sounds like maybe you had a fight with your girlfriend.
She locked herself in the bathroom and you were so angry, you shot her through the door.
Jimmy, how can you say that?
I'm the victim here.
My totally hot girlfriend was shot.
You shot her.
But she made me do it by pretending to be a toilet burglar.
Oscar, I really think you might want to just plead guilty here, okay?
No.
Pistorius doesn't plead guilty.
Pistorius pleads accidental shooting a burglar in the toilet.
Now you wish me well.
You know, I'm not going to wish you well.
Jimmy, wish me well, damn it.
But I won't.
I just think you should go to jail.
Hey, man.
Fuck you, okay?
Get in the toilet where I'm going to shoot you to death.
Okay, okay.
Bye, Oscar.
Boston Strong.
That's funny.
Okay, I hope you enjoyed the Oscar Pistorius sketch performed by Robert Yasimura and written by Robert Yasimura.
That cracked me up as we were recording it.
Hope you enjoyed it.
Now, coming up right now, I'm going to let you know.
So when Mike and I record, often Mike will just be speaking in a voice of someone he's doing.
Often it's Herman Kane.
He'll just be speaking as Herman Kane when he's not doing the impression like that'll be his regular voice that he'll talk to me in for the day is Herman Kane.
Or he'll do like he was doing the Boston guy a lot.
So instead of speaking in his regular voice when we're just talking, setting up stuff.
So then he jumped into Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Now, often I'll just start to ask a character question in hopes that Mike will go with it.
You know, like Vince Vaughan, like he doesn't like to do Vince Vaughan as much.
So I have to like kind of sneak it in, ask him, hey, Vince.
So this happened with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
So he was talking as Arnold Schwarzenegger, and I tried to get him to do the impression for the show.
I started asking him questions.
He didn't want to do it.
And what followed was, I don't know, about 10 to 12 minutes of the most hilarious Arnold Schwarzenegger I've ever heard him trying to convince me that we shouldn't be doing Arnold Schwarzenegger on the show.
I'll give you a little taste of it right now.
Here's a little bit.
So what do we want to do next?
I don't know.
Arnold, how'd your new movie do?
I'm not doing this.
You are.
No, I told you I don't want to do this for a show anymore.
I feel like a prostitute.
He's still in the news.
What are you going to not do?
He's still alive.
That's your only justification.
He's still doing major motion.
You corpse eater.
He's doing major motion picture releases.
He's still relevant.
Well, that's a little generous.
He's still relevant.
He's very relevant.
I dropped it for my act in 2002.
I don't know what to tell you.
You know, what if he...
You don't need to tell me anything.
I'm telling you.
If he became president...
I'm trying to...
I've come from the future to warn you.
The Schwarzenegger impressions will be the death of you.
Hehehehe.
But what if his movie was number one again?
I mean...
It doesn't matter.
Yes, it does.
It doesn't matter.
Why?
Because...
The...
You don't even know.
of the shark.
Listen to me.
Listen to me very carefully, Jimmy Dore.
The jumping of the shark of the Arnold Schwarzenegg impression occurred way before the peak of his box office career.
You don't know what you're doing.
This is comedy suicide.
Just because a lot of people are doing that impression doesn't mean that the worst.
This doesn't go in the protected content.
I quit.
You should not have people doing this on your program.
No, it's you're completely wrong about this.
It's completely a legitimate impression.
It's completely legitimate impression.
Just because a lot of other people do.
The exact opposite is true.
No.
Just because someone's popular.
Anyway, that popular everybody, you know, you never know longer political figure.
We just divided for a long time because he was the governor of California.
Yes.
He's no longer the governor of California.
He's just a guy.
This is wrong.
He's just a guy like the Pope.
Listen to me.
Listen to me.
I'm listening to you.
We've had a good run.
Okay.
We cannot do this on the show anymore.
Okay, so that goes on for about another 10 or 12 minutes.
It just gets funnier and funnier and funnier to hear Arnold Schwarzenegger complaining that we should stop doing Arnold Schwarzenegger because it's comedy
suit i gotta tell you i i listened to it with steph the other night and my chest hurt i was laughing so hard literally my my chest hasn't hurt from laughing i can't ever usually it's my stomach for so for some reason i thought i thought i was dying like i think i might be dying no it was hilarious so that's in this week's uh premium content right so if you want to donate you go over to jimmy doorcomedy.com you click on the donate button it's five dollars a month and it gets you access to all the great premium content and uh you know what if you'd like to spend ten dollars a month that's fantastic
too because it helps pay for someone else because we make the podcast available for free to everybody there's no charging of the podcast it's all for free and the way you help make the show happen is the people donate and they get the bonus content right so that's what happened so you go over there you click on premium content you make your five dollar donation and here's the thing you can save five dollars if you pay for a year up front right instead of sixty dollars for the year it's 55 and you get all it's like it's like less than five cents a week it's something like that.
It's not much at all.
the price of a of a orange soda pop and a cup of coffee together and then that's it though you're done you have drinks plus you have bonus content okay so do that thanks everybody who already does that and helps support the show and uh want to give a shout out to uh sean james who donates his time and talent to help make my computer run so i can do the show and you can uh he can fix your computer right over the internet if you give him an email at machelp no no no yeah yeah yeah machelp at seanjames.com machelp
at seanjames.com and you spell sean s-h-a-u-n or you give him a call at 347-695-0601 okay the voices today performed of course of course by the one and only mike mcrae except for oscar pistorius that was a robert yasamura and uh the show was written this week of course by frank conniff mike mcrae steph zamurano robert yasimura and mark van landuitt with a why okay i'll see everybody may 1st at the troubadour
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