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April 19, 2014 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Jimmy Dore.
It's me, Ted Cruz.
And I'm just calling because I want to be your president in 2016.
Imagine how great a Cruz presidency would be.
First, we'd repeal Obamacare and replace it with something else eventually.
Something totally awesome with Jesus and pony rides and hats of some kind.
And after we're done with that, we'll pretty much play it by ear.
Probably whatever the Koch brothers want to do.
You know, whatever.
Maybe give guns to everyone and, I don't know, maybe ban Sharia Law or something.
That's the exciting thing about a Ted Cruz presidency.
You never know what's going to happen.
Are we going to go to war with Russia?
Could be.
Or maybe not.
Will black people still be able to vote?
Who knows?
Hopefully, President Obama will still be around.
And we can just do the opposite of whatever he suggests.
Wow, this is so much easier to explain to people who are completely irrational.
All I know is that Liberty will no longer be in danger pretty much at all.
Like if you want your First Amendment right to not sell goods or services to homos, then January 20th, 2017 will be your 4th of July.
There will be so much liberty, you will shit yourself.
So, yeah.
Ted Cruz, 2016.
No Obamacare and so much liberty, you will shit yourself.
There it is.
Okay.
That was Ted Cruz.
That was quick.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
...up-minded, lowly-livered lefties.
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you guys.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore!
Hey, everybody, welcome to this week's episode.
I am joined on the phone all the way from New York City from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's TV's Frank.
It's Frank Conniff.
Hey, Frank, how are you?
Hello there.
Yay.
Good to hear your voice.
In the studio next to me, the host of Comedy and Everything Else, our resident Latina, it's Steph Semarano.
Hey, Steph, what's happening?
I love my union.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yes, you do.
Okay.
And that's it.
This is the whole show today.
Just the three of us.
Isn't that something?
I know.
So Gilbert's going to have to laugh out loud at stuff.
I'm going to need you.
Yeah, get it out, Gilbert.
Get it out.
Get it out.
All right.
Let's do some jokes before we get to the jokes.
So, hey, you know, Obamacare is going to cost less than expected.
They did a big projection.
It's going to cost billions of dollars less than they thought.
But the Republicans say that their plan of not doing a fucking thing is even still cheaper.
True that.
Come on, let me hear it, Gilbert.
There you go.
Does GOP know the pain and soreness that you feel from pulling facts about Obamacare out of your ass is actually covered by Obamacare?
Very nice, right?
And you know that, so CBS is hiring Stephen Colbert.
Frank, you know that.
They're hiring Stephen Colbert to replace David Letterman and Limbaugh.
Limbaugh, Russell Maw, not happy about it.
He said that CBS hiring Colbert is an attack on traditional heartland values of drug addicts who've been married four times.
Yes, it is.
See, that's funny, Gilbert, because Russell Limbaugh's a drug addict.
He's been married four times.
You know, Zach, you know what?
You know what I can't imagine is I can't imagine anything better than the satisfaction that comes from knowing you helped make the new Zach Brath movie happen.
Zach Brath movie.
You know, buying a gun in America, we all agree buying a gun in America should be very easy, but there should be many, many obstacles to block your path when you want to do something really dangerous like vote.
Nice.
That's a voter suppression joke.
It's happening all over.
It's happening all over.
Hey, spoiler alert.
Man of steel in Pacific Rim and on triumphant notes with only three or four million people killed tops.
It's true.
It's true.
If you've been watching cable lately like I have, you know that.
And, you know, I got something to say to the politicians who pander to the Tea Party.
You know, that means that they're shitty on purpose, right?
So I say that we should call them what they are, shark NATO Republicans.
Slamming a movie at the same time.
Did you know?
Oh, this week.
This week, by the way, taxes.
Everybody paid their taxes this week.
It's big income tax week.
And it was funny to see all the richest 1% of Americans rushing to get to the post office to not pay any taxes at the last minute.
I see what I'm saying.
A lot of people don't know that the income tax was originally instituted by Abraham Lincoln.
Did you know that, Frank, in 1861?
And that was to pay for the Civil War.
That's right.
Oh, I didn't know that.
Yeah, so it should make it out a little, make it a little easier when you make out that check to the IRS this year, knowing that your money no longer goes to kill ordinary Americans inside America, that your money goes to kill ordinary Americans outside of America with unmanned drugs.
You know, last week we made a little fun of the phrase, I didn't get the memo.
And, you know, I have had enough, just enough with the overused phrases that express a weary detachment and disdain.
I am so over it.
Get it?
That's a play on words, Gilbert.
Hey, by the way, the Boston bombing.
There was a Boston bombing survivor who went on the Meet the Press.
Did you hear about it?
Boston bombing survivor goes on Meet the Press and ends up leaving the taping in tears.
What?
That's true.
And it's also odd because powerful politicians always leave Meet the Press feeling just fine.
That's right.
That's right.
Hey, by the way, Mike Huckabee, we've made fun of him last week on the show.
He says that Obama supporting gay marriage is not Christian.
That's what Mike Huckabee says.
Supporting gay marriage, not Christian, but yes, that Mike Huckabee was a man of true faith when he backed the Iraq war just a few years ago.
See?
That's really, I'm really taking him down on that one.
You got him.
You know, it looks like Mike Huckabee is proving himself to be enough of an asshole to make a serious bid for the 2016 GOP nomination.
What's coming up on today's show?
Frank Phyllis Schlafly.
Phyllis Schlafley.
Phyllis Schlafly.
You know who she is.
She's the madam at the brothel of bad ideas.
And anyway, she wrote an op-ed that says women should enjoy the pay gap.
We're going to talk about that.
Plus, how did NBC handle the Clive Bundy thing?
We're going to check on how they handled it.
Plus, a kid got kicked out of soccer.
He got kicked out of soccer kids.
He was a soccer athlete in high school, got kicked out because he retweeted a pro-pot tweet over the summer.
We're going to talk about that.
Plus, hey, women advocating against pay for women.
We're going to check into that again.
Plus, the Republicans are out of ideas, and I've got the clips to show it.
We've got a phone call today from, who do we got?
Rick Perry calls in.
Ron Paul calls in.
Vladimir Putin calls in.
Yeah, plus Bill O'Reilly and a lot lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
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When you're this excited, it's hard not to spill some.
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For generations, the public has been taking Pfizer products, and for generations, Pfizer has been taking the public.
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Ford Motors, discouraging public transit in cities across our great country.
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And China, manufacturing the finest in Sesame Street toys and pledge drive tote bags.
Additional funding by the Rosalind P. Russell Foundation, who believe that culture should be free to everybody, if you're rich enough.
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Thank you.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Thank you.
On the phone, we have hilarious comedian Mark Unger.
He's the star of stage and screen.
You can see him in a recurring role on Veep on HBO.
He also hosts a radio show out of Baltimore.
He hosts the Fighting Ungers podcast, which you can find at FightingHungers.com.
There you go.com.
Check it out.
Also on the phone, we got Frank Conner from Mystery Science Theater 3000 in the studio with me, Steph Zamorano, the host of Comedy and Everything Else.
And so now I'm sure you all are familiar with the standoff that happened with the Clive and Bundy.
Clive and Clivin.
That's his name, Clivin.
Isn't that a weird name?
And Clive, with the lady and the thing with the hitting and the hot and the glasses and the thing.
And Prednazone.
Okay, so now what I want to do is I want to talk about how the news covered this situation, right?
Because I was watching MBC Nightly News and they had a fill-in for Brian Williams.
He was out doing a sketch for late night TV.
And I think he was doing his teaching his improv class at the UCB.
He devotes a lot of his time to being a good sport.
Yes, he does.
So I'm watching it.
And now, you know, headlines are reductive.
That's just how they are.
The way a news piece is reduced to a headline is very telling of the news source, right?
Like, for instance, the New York Times might cover Obamacare with a headline like $7.1 million enroll in Affordable Care Act.
Whereas Fox News might cover that same story with a headline like, the Benghazi nightmare continues, right?
So here's another instance of that, right?
So I'm watching, again, I'm watching the end.
Here's how NBC covered the Clive Bundy standoff with the feds.
Standoff between a Nevada rancher and armed supporters on one side and the federal government on the other.
See, that's not the way it is.
Let me hear it.
Let's have him say it again.
Standoff between a Nevada rancher and armed supporters on one side and the federal government on the other.
Yeah, okay, that's not how it is.
Yes, there are.
I mean, that's how an idiot might see it.
Yes, there are federal agents on one side and there is a rancher on the other side.
But chances are you might be an idiot.
You become more of an idiot just listening to this news guy because these aren't armed supporters.
These are crazy people who came from all over the country just for a chance at actual gunplay, okay?
That's who these people are.
You don't even have to explain the story.
You just have to put a camera at one of those guys with the guns and it would explain itself.
But maybe it gets better.
Let's listen.
Maybe he describes it a little bit better.
So we're off to a bad start on NBC already.
Well, Jimmy, actually, I think it's referenced to the fact that this whole story took place in False Equivalency, Nevada.
Yes.
Yes, False Equivalency, Nevada.
It's exactly how it happened.
This is exactly what this is.
He's pretending like there's two equal sides of the story that they have a grievance.
We all know what the story is.
Clive and Bundy has been grazing on federal land.
His cattle are not paying his grazing fee.
There's no dispute about this.
This is what happened, right?
He just, he didn't like, he didn't pay it.
So he owes a million dollars.
He went to court.
He lost.
He appealed.
He lost the appeal.
This is what this is.
I know if you heard in a related story that Chris Christie is worried about paying grazing fees that illegal value.
I heard he's refused.
I heard he said.
He's in a way different tax bracket.
That's not grazing fees.
Yeah, well, I heard he had some armed supporters are surrounding a Sizzler.
That's right.
And anyway, so here, so maybe it gets better.
Maybe things pick up on the NBC report.
Let's see.
At issue, federal authorities say the ranchers' cattle are on public land illegally.
Okay, no, it didn't get any better.
They don't say that.
He goes, oh, the federal authorities say, they don't say.
If you can't report a fact as a fact, that's what it's not a, it's not hearsay.
This isn't an accusation.
Well, the federal authorities say this.
Clive Bundy says that.
What's the truth?
I guess we'll never know.
Stop framing it that way.
That's not the federal authorities say.
The federal authorities say, the land management say, the state says, two federal judges say.
Everybody says this is a fact.
This isn't something someone says, but that's how the guy from NBC wants to...
You opposite of a journalist, you on NBC, okay?
The Bureau of Land Management was attempting to seize these cattle to recoup two decades of unpaid grazing fees amounting to more than a million dollars.
See, I just said that all in one sentence.
That's all it took.
One sentence.
I said the whole thing.
That's all he needs to say.
This guy has been grazing his cows on federal land.
He owes a million dollars in grazing fees.
Two courts have said that.
Look, I just said you have to say, that's all you have to say, NBC guy, but he doesn't say that.
Could it get worse?
Well, let's see.
Let's go to the next clip from the report from NBC.
It's a standoff reminiscent of the old Wild West hitting the federal government against Clive and Bundy and his family of ranchers.
Oh, yeah, that's it.
That's it.
It's just like a tiny underdog family just trying to scratch out a living, right, Mark?
When the jackbooted monolith federal government came along and tried to crush them just for amusement.
That's what's happening here.
We're just trying to be ourselves and not pay anything for anything and just want to have our cattle graze and not pay for any of that grazing.
We're just people.
We're just people.
I love how the NBC guy, he's framing it as if it's like it's romantic, like an old Western standoff.
Right?
I was going to say that I watch a lot of Westerns, and the federal government is always the bad guy.
In Shane, it's the federal government coming in.
And the searchers, it's the federal government.
It's always the federal government in Western.
Yeah, so what's happening here, Mark?
Is he saying Webster?
I really didn't hear him.
No, he said Western.
He said it's like...
Oh, I said Webster.
No, it's like an Austin...
That is also the plot of most Webster episodes.
What the hell does Alex Carrish have to do with all this?
I didn't even know what you were talking about for a minute.
Webster?
That sitcom from the 80s, ladies.
I had no idea.
Jimmy, I need a little clarification.
Is Clivin Bundy, is he Gary Cooper or John Wayne?
I don't know.
Yeah, he's like, he's like, he's John Wayne if John Wayne didn't pay his grazing fees and owed a million dollars and then took a gun and aimed it and aimed it at the feds when they came.
He's closer than John Wayne Gacy, actually.
Yeah, yes.
He's more like Jai Wayne Gacy.
It's a real awesome Western, the NBC frames it.
It's a sexy and entertaining way of presenting the story.
That's why they're doing it.
It's a sexy and entertaining way, even though it's worse.
I think the Western they're referring to is once upon a time and bullshit.
Yes.
Yes.
So let's see how NBC, let's see how NBC covers it.
One more clip.
This dispute dates back more than 20 years.
The Bureau of Land Management says the Bundies have failed to pay grazing fees and now owe the government more than $1 million.
Okay, he just did it again.
The BLM is saying that Bundy owes them money.
That's not saying it.
It's a fact.
It's an existential fact that he owes the money.
This isn't still in dispute.
He's literally, and it wasn't like he failed to pay it.
He on purpose said he wasn't going to pay it.
This isn't some slip-up of paperwork.
This isn't a guy who forgot to pay something.
This is someone who, on purpose, for 20 years, said he wasn't going to pay it.
But this guy from NBC, it's the last thing in the world he could do is ever explain this story coherently or accurately.
It's got to be this complete bullshit.
This guy's a he's a Westerner.
This guy's out of, he's fighting the feds.
And he's all, he's got supporters.
No, they're all criminals with guns looking for a gunfight with cops.
These are what you would call thugs.
If they were black or Mexican, you would have dropped a bomb on all of them already.
I'm hearing the word the phrase grazing fee.
It's really hard to get that worked up about anything that involves crazy.
Yes, but somehow...
It's almost like a napping fee.
It's like he had to pay.
I didn't pay my napping fee.
Yeah.
Grazing fee is something you don't pay.
Grazing fee?
Are you kidding me?
I missed my grazing fee.
But if that leads to gunplay or potential gunplay, then jaywalking moves to a much higher level.
Right, right.
Well, here's so here.
This guy, the NBC news reporter at no point even says like, oh, by the way, this guy went to court twice.
The court said that you're a criminal.
You're not paying.
You have to pay.
He appealed it.
He lost again.
Okay.
So it's a very cut and dry case.
So what they do is they bring on a woman from the Land Management Bureau in Nevada, and she says that about the court cases.
But let's listen to how strongly she says it.
This is the person they got to help explain the story to you on NBC News.
Here's the person.
The courts have ruled that his cattle are in trespass.
The courts have demanded that he remove his life at all.
That's it.
That was all they brought.
I don't know.
Could you have whispered it, maybe?
Maybe if you wrote it on the inside of a matchbook cover and flashed it at the lens of the camera.
Could you have said that any softer?
I'll play it to you one more.
Let's listen to it one more time.
The courts have demanded that he remove his life at all.
And that's it.
That's it.
That's the whole thing where they explain it.
The courts have ruled.
And then the courts have ruled that he must remove his livestock.
The courts have ruled.
That's how.
So, okay, let's go to the next clip.
Maybe.
She sounded the exact same voice who does the emergency message when a bridge is closed.
The bridge is closed.
Please.
Go ahead.
Right.
Exactly.
Right.
Please move towards the center of the vehicle.
The doors are closing.
Okay, so now let's, maybe they'll wrap it up.
Maybe when the NBC guy wraps it up, he'll put a nice button on it and explain everything to us.
I don't know.
I'm not hoping, but let's see what he says.
Get off our land, period.
Give us back our property.
On social media, they've called it a range war.
With each passing day, more and more protesters arrive to support the Bundies, one of them carrying an AK-47.
I'm willing to lay my life down.
Today, with only about half of the 900 cattle rounded up, the BLM ended its operation, citing serious concern about the safety of employees and members of the public.
But the war over who controls this range is far from over.
Joe Fryer, NBC News.
Mark, is that not hilarious?
That is unbelievable.
First of all, he goes, what they're calling.
this war is far from over.
This war is over.
This guy's going to go to jail, and they put a lien on his property.
It's it.
It's over this war, as if, again, as if there's two sides that have a legitimate claim here.
Well, Jimmy, the militia people who showed up, their major concern is they're worried that their small penises are going to be taxed.
Listen, you know what?
I want to play this clip again and let's break it down because this is the wrap-up and there's a lot of bad things that happened here.
So let's listen.
Get off our land, period.
Give us back our property.
Okay, so that guy believes in property rights.
That's what he's saying.
You believe in property rights?
Really?
Then maybe you should just pay your freaking fee for your property.
Okay, let's keep going.
I don't know.
You know, I just want to say, like, if he was so invested in that this is property of the people or whatever, then why don't they give it back to the Indians?
Oh, I mean, if the Indians showed up in their tribes and were in tribal garb and, you know, looked aggressive in any manner, you know right away they would get rid of all the Indians.
Oh, they did.
Never mind.
Or how about I'm sure Mexico, that was Mexico at one point, right?
Well, I understand it to be said Mexico.
Mexico, right?
So I guess he'd be like the third guy in line that has property rights to that property.
It'd be the American Indian.
And then the next would be the Mexicans.
And then next would be the federal government.
And then it would be Clive and Clive and Bundy, right?
What struck me was his first sentence was, according to social media.
Oh, yes.
Yes.
No news story should ever start with according to social media.
Right.
Oh, that's one of the things.
Social media becomes the gauge by how we start news and what matters.
We're all doomed.
Social media is what it is.
Yes.
What a great.
It should never find its way into a news store.
Nice.
Yes.
Good eye, Mark.
As always, NBC answered one of the key questions of journalism.
What is Twitter calling this?
Right, exactly.
And by the way, nobody's calling it a range war any more than anyone's called battleship an action-packed new classic, okay?
Well, they're worried that the range war could break out into a hashtag war.
And then, and then, okay, let's go a little bit more.
Let's keep going.
Let's see.
Social media, they've called it a range war.
With each passing day, more and more protesters arrive to support the Bundies, one of them carrying an AK-47.
Okay, one of them were carrying a AK-47.
Not like half of them were carrying AK-47s.
Like, I don't know, maybe you could show a photograph of the group and all their guns.
You know, maybe, seriously, NBC, just read the AP report verbatim because you're doing a shitty job.
Okay.
One guy had an AK-47.
I don't know if you saw the videotape or any other pictures that weren't provided by NBC News, but half of them, they were armed to the teeth.
If the mainstream media like NBC is reporting that it's a war, you can bet that it's a war based on false pretense.
Yes.
I really don't understand why this guy has had 20 years.
20 years.
20 years to be able to do this.
20, 20 years.
I think a good description of this guy would be he's a free-range douchebag.
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Okay, let's get back to the second half of the show.
We got calls from a bunch of people.
Let's just get there.
Let's just get there.
Welcome back to the second half of the Jimmy Doer show.
I'm joined on the phone all the way from Baltimore.
It's hilarious comedian Mark Unger, the host of the Fighting Ungers podcast, which you can find at fightingungers.com.
Also joining me is Frank Connant from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Steph Samurano.
Let's get back to our phone call with Ron Paul.
I got Ron Paul.
I'm going to call Ron Paul right now because I want to ask him about this Clive Bundy thing.
Plus, his son's been saying some stuff.
Can we get him on the phone?
Is he there?
Let's think, is he going to pick up?
Resistance.
Congressman Paul, it's Jimmy Doer.
Oh, hi, Jimmy.
How are you?
I'm great, Congressman.
Listen.
Jimmy, I no longer go by that title.
That's my slave title.
I would now like to be known as Field Marshal Paul.
You know, I'd really rather not call you that.
Can I kind of call you this Dr. Paul?
Well, I guess, sure.
I mean, I mean, after all, I am a doctor, a doctor of freedom.
Okay, Dr. Paul, listen.
Libertas Enumbula.
I'm sorry?
That means freedom for cows.
Well, that's what I want to talk to you about.
You've sided.
You've sided with Clive and Bundy in this conflict against the Bureau of Land Management.
Well, sure, yeah.
I mean, of course.
The federal government can't just say this is my land.
Actually, they can, Dr. Paul.
There's an entire body of law going back to the founding of the country that gives the federal government those express rights.
Well, of course, you're all right, Jimmy, but I don't believe in the rule of law.
You don't?
Well, no, I believe in a more survivalist type situation with shooting wars between clans and the strongest male gets to mate with the most fertile females.
Dr. Paul, that's not even America.
That's just chaos.
I never said I believe in America.
You were employed by America.
You were a U.S. congressman.
Well, sure, as a slave.
You weren't a slave.
You were paid a six-figure salary.
Well, Jimmy, I don't believe in money.
It's just another form of oppression.
Now, if they had pay me in goats and cordwood, you might have a pawn.
As we know, goats and cornwood are the musky currencies of freedom.
Oh, okay, Dr. Paul.
What about the potential for violence there at the ranch?
Well, you know, that's just how the shit gets resolved.
Someone says, this is my land.
Someone else says, no, it's not.
Then they shoot each other.
Sometimes it's slow-mo.
Guess what?
My land now, motherfucker.
You know, until the next fella comes along, let's apply.
And the magical circle of lies, you know, it just keeps spinning.
Dr. Paul, that's the craziest thing I've ever heard.
Or is it the not craziest thing you ever heard?
No, no.
No, it's the craziest.
Well, they call Gandhi crazy.
You know, and you're like, oh, Rosa Park's crazy.
No, they didn't.
For sure they did.
People say, hey, it's crazy, Rosa, getting on the bus.
I wonder what you'll do next.
Dr. Paul, Rosa Parks and Gandhi were working for a more peaceful world.
Well, I mean, sure, but that's because they were huge pussies.
If either of them had a pair of giant Caucasian testicles, they would have formed secret armies of ignorant armed races.
Let the government know if I have to use a separate water fountain, I will fucking shoot you in the face.
Forgive me, Dr. Paul, but it really sounds like you're advocating terrorism.
You don't advocate terrorism, do you?
Oh, well, sure I did.
I mean, how else are you going to get what you want without, you know, threatening to kill someone?
So you're okay with like, you know, the old Oklahoma City bombing?
Sure.
Why not?
I mean, those people were just expressing themselves.
What's freedom if you can't express yourself?
That's not self-expression, Dr. Paul.
Who's to say?
I mean, some people express themselves with craft projects like scrapbooking, and other people express themselves with a two-ton fertilizer ball.
I mean, I don't stifle your creativity, do I?
Okay, Dr. Paul, I don't look, look, how's your son?
Oh, Rand, he's fine.
He's sitting on the floor beside me right now playing with his Legos.
Is he gonna weigh in on his Bundy Ranch as you?
Oh, no, he doesn't understand it at all.
He just thinks it's a television program that he likes.
Okay.
All right.
Well, listen, thank you for your time, Dr. Paul.
Yeah, sure.
You sure, Jeremy, anytime.
And don't forget, you know, death to tyrants.
Okay.
That was Ron Paul, Dr. Ron Paul.
Call it in.
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Thank you.
Okay, so there's this kid in Ohio.
He's a high school student, 4.0 student, and he's a star on a soccer team.
And over the summer, he retweeted that, see this thing over there, my shoulder?
He retweeted that.
Someone had tweeted a guy who was pro-pot legalization.
He tweeted a picture of a bud of marijuana and a lighter.
And the kid retweeted it.
And he got suspended from his team, from his soccer team in his senior year.
The kid's an athlete.
He's a star athlete.
He's a 4.0 student.
He's going to get a scholarship.
They suspend him because he tweeted a picture of marijuana over the summer from his house.
Wow.
Yes.
So the kid got suspended from the team and now he didn't get his scholarship offer.
Nobody was interested in him anymore.
Give him a scholarship.
First of all, he was first suspended for the whole year.
What?
And then they suspended him, I think, for a month.
They ended up suspending him or maybe three.
I don't know.
It was a, I should get more facts on this, but they originally suspended him for, they originally suspended him for the whole year.
And then when he went back in, they lowered it.
But still, he was suspended from the team.
He's got a mark against his record.
And then now colleges weren't interested in him.
The plus side is he now gets to play a real sport.
Yeah.
Well, here's what I say.
Here's what I say about this.
What does this teach this kid?
What does this teach this kid?
Don't play soccer.
You know what I mean?
I mean, what it teaches him is that life is full of hypocrites and double standard and random punitive bullshit.
So get used to it.
Get used to it.
You're going to find in life.
Go ahead.
Is he suing this school or anything?
They do have a lawsuit now.
Well, guess what happened?
So they just, they didn't do anything.
And then in December of last year, the kid went into the school gymnasium and a cop at the school escorted him out of the gym, said he looked high.
He said his eyes looked like he was on drugs.
So they take him out of the, they take him out of the gymnasium at this event and they make him, and he's not high.
He wasn't on drugs.
He's never, he's never tested positive.
He wasn't on drugs.
So they're screwing with this kid.
Well, they found traces of Twitter in his urine.
So the kid, so that's when they decided to file a lawsuit, right?
And it's.
Before we get into the social and political ramifications of this, so let's start with this.
It's Ohio.
Yeah.
What Hall of Fame is in Ohio?
Is the soccer hall of fame there or the football hall of fame?
It'd be the football hall of fame.
Right.
So here's what clearly happened.
Had this guy actually played football, no one would have said a word.
Right.
Well, what they're trying to do in Ohio is eradicate soccer.
That's what it's like.
Also, in Ohio for football players, not only do they not bust you for drugs, they actually give you rupees to use.
Yeah, oh, Steubenville and Steubenville, right?
Yeah, that's Ohio.
And if I, you know, it's just all this does is show kids that have no respect for the law, that people are going to be punitive for no reason, that in life, you're often going to find that up is down, black is white, and right is wrong.
And all I got to say is, really?
And soccer's not football.
And soccer's not football.
You're going to find that out.
And let me just ask this question.
Was it a slow crime day in Belleville?
Was this, is this, is this Barney Fifeland?
This is the thing that's wrong with the kids today that they're tweeting pictures of pot, really?
Because I'm going to tell you what's really wrong.
First of all, we got to get over this thing that pot is bad, okay, in America.
We got to stop being afraid of pot.
Pot is a drug that falls somewhere on the drug scale between an Advil and a latte, okay?
Nothing's going to happen to you if you smoke pot.
And I know all these people who they go, oh my kid, I'm afraid my kid's going to smoke pot.
Oh my God.
You know, when people have kids, they start freaking out about pot.
Well, what I say to these parents, I go, wait a minute, but didn't you smoke pot when you were in high school in college?
Oh, yeah, I smoke pot, but I'm afraid my kids will smoke.
Oh, because you're an idiot, right?
So you think the best way to handle this is to pretend you didn't smoke pot to your kids and make your kids think that pot is bad, even though they know it's not.
Even though the real thing that's going to screw the kid up is beer and liquor.
You know, the team that's going to get sponsored by Corona and Budweiser, the thing that's going to sponsor his soccer team when he gets to college, and the pros.
Those are the things.
I mean, college football is brought to you by alcohol.
Those are the things that are going to screw your kid up, not marijuana.
But let's keep pretending that this is the problem because we're horrible parents.
And the way to handle drugs is to lie to your kids about it.
Well, the thing is, Jimmy, if you see a picture of pot online and you don't retweet it, it means you're boguarding it on Twitter.
Yes.
Yes, yes.
Sure, I smoke pot in high school, but I'm afraid my kids will because I've internalized all the bullshit that this culture says about pot smoking, and now I'm going to dump it on my kid, and we're going to make the situation worse.
How does this help this kid?
It doesn't help the kid at all.
You screwed him up.
He can't get a scholarship.
He's got a mark against his record.
He's learned all the horrible lessons about lights and life and not one good one.
And how, if the parents involved in this community, how do you feel like a grown-up parent?
This is really what's wrong with the kids?
That they're tweeting stuff about pot.
That's the problem you got to come down on in this country.
What do you want to say, Steph?
He's not good enough to play football.
You shut up.
That's the problem.
You know, ultimately, I can't.
Soccer, soccer, crystal meth should be mandatory in soccer.
I've got to see some speed.
I think fighting should be mandatory in soccer.
Absolutely.
They should have fights more than goals.
What do you want to say, Steph?
Hey, you know what, Jimmy?
I did want to say this.
I really doubt that the school or any school district in the nation has any kind of policy regarding Twitter.
Twitter.
By the way, who?
So now are they, did they hire someone to monitor all their students' Twitter feeds?
Is that what they're doing?
And the answer is yes.
They're doing that.
They've hired companies.
Schools have hired companies.
I don't know if this school did that, but I know that I've reported on this story before for the Young Turks.
When I say report, I mean, I talked about it.
And I've talked about this before on the Young Turks, where schools are now hiring companies that will monitor your kids' social network stuff, Facebook and Twitter.
This is what we're spending.
When I was in high school, we only read 1984.
We didn't live it like this.
Yeah, no kidding, right?
And it's like, we don't have enough teachers, right?
Our class sizes are 40 kids per class in this country, but we've got money to spend on people to monitor the kids' Twitter feeds.
Because that's what's going to help.
Jimmy, I will confess that in 1974 or so, 73, when I was in high school, I did actually retweet a picture of Pac, even though Twitter hadn't been invented yet, That's just how high I was.
Yeah.
No.
you Okay, guess what?
So I got Rick Perry on the phone here, and I asked him about this situation in Nevada with the ranchers, with the Clive and Bundy.
And hello, Governor.
What do you know about it, Governor?
Have you read anything about it?
The articles about it.
You read articles about this Bundy.
Now, it appears to me this guy's just a common criminal.
And he hasn't paid his land fees to the government for this 1992.
A lot of other ranchers, most of them, in fact, pay.
I mean, he's not paying.
So isn't that an unfair advantage, Governor?
And my second question would be: don't you guys usually stand up for law and order?
So go ahead, take those questions either when.
Well, this guy's an American hero, Clive and Bundy.
He's standing up to the federal government, which has been, you know, one of my bugaboos, is the overreach of the federal government throughout this country.
This guy's standing up to it.
So he's doing exactly what Texas stands with Bundy.
Texas stands with Clavin.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah, but isn't he just a criminal?
He didn't pay his fees.
Well, that's his land.
The government just took it from him.
The government just took that land from him, and then they want to make him pay to use his own land.
Dude, come on, man.
That's not right.
No, that's not good.
No, that's not how they should be doing.
Yeah, that's not how it happens, Governor.
Yeah.
Yeah, no, that's not because we don't.
That's what Sean Annity said.
What do you think what happened?
Well, what happened was he went to court even, and the judge even said that, no, you have to pay.
This isn't your land.
Well, yeah, a federal judge.
He's going to be on the side of his paymaster, you know.
And they just took the land because there's a turtle up there.
Some fucking turtle.
More important than this man making cows grow big so people can eat burgers.
So you don't just shows, you know, the overreach of federal government regulation.
You know, oh, we're going to choose this livelihood of a turtle over the livelihood of the people who live there.
No.
We're celebrating solidarity here at Texas with him by eating a bunch of turtle soup.
No, no, which is delicious.
And, you know, kind of a violent metaphor along the lines of what we like to do.
Listen.
The guy's just a criminal.
He's a law-abiding citizen.
It's just these laws are dumb.
Yeah.
No.
Come on, man.
These laws are dumb.
Everyone else seems to be following them.
That's not how you do it.
You change the law.
Jimmy, if everybody went and jumped off a bridge, would you do it?
That doesn't apply.
That's not a better.
Jimmy, if everyone just paid their taxes, would you do it?
Yes, I'd pay my taxes.
Well, there you go.
That's why you're, you know.
Yes.
That's why you're who you are.
And Clive and Bundy with his awesome name is who he is.
He's a criminal.
He's a moocher.
He's a moocher because he doesn't want to pay his business.
He's a small businessman.
The government mooches off him.
No, he's mooching off the government.
The rest of everybody else who's a rancher pays the government if they graze on government land except him.
So he's not only cheating, he's getting an unfair business advantage against his fellow ranchers, but he's also cheating the rest of the American people by not paying his land use fees.
So this guy's a double cheat, and somehow you make him out to be Robin Hood, and it's the exact opposite.
And, you know, if those were a bunch of blacks and Mexicans showing up there with guns and rifles, I think you guys would be singing a totally different tune, right?
Wait.
Hold up.
What?
A bunch of blacks and Mexicans showing up with guns.
Yeah.
Why are you even talking about that, man?
What do you, well, I'm making a point.
Well, you just, you just freak me out.
That's all I'm saying.
I know.
I'm making a point that just because they're white and they have southern accents.
Well, they're good Americans.
Yeah, you think they're good Americans, but I'm saying if they were black and had guns, you would think they were Criminals and thugs.
Well, I mean, if people just show up indiscriminately, yeah, but if blacks and Mexicans showed up with bunch, you can't just have people running around with guns.
Yeah, well, that's what they had at Clive and Bundy.
Well, they're, you know, they're good people.
Oh, I'll see what you don't understand here.
Did anything bad happen?
Could have.
If there were a bunch of blacks and Mexicans who showed up, I'll tell you one difference who were pro if they were all protesting.
The Washington Post wouldn't be publishing all the misspellings in the signs that they had.
Guarantee you, that wouldn't be going on.
Read that article.
They love it when Rednecks misspell shit.
So the point is, Texas stands with Bundy.
We're pro-Bundy down here.
We urge all people to resist the overreach of the federal government by these types of actions.
So what happens when no one pays their land usage fees?
Well, then maybe the federal government will learn that the land belongs to the people and they should just give it to them.
That land belongs to the people.
The federal government is the people.
So they shouldn't be having the, I'm confusing myself, man.
All right, governor.
Anyway, federal government bad people stay in a federal government.
They're good.
What do you not care about that?
Oh, yeah, but you want to be president.
So don't you want people to respect your authority if you're president?
I want to be head of the federal government, yeah.
Or the, you know, executive branch thereof.
Yeah.
I want to get in there so I can burn that fucker down.
Oh, okay.
Nobody listen to me.
Resist me.
Rick Perry.
Yeah.
Anti-president.
Yeah, that's probably your only shot.
To show all the lights going on at night, all the lights going all out on the buildings all around DC.
Yeah.
Except for private businesses.
Yep.
That'd be beautiful.
Rick Berry's here now.
Shut her down.
Mirror Land Management, that's going.
EPA, bye-bye.
Department of Energy.
No thanks.
Department of Commerce.
I remember it this time.
Out of town.
Like a clown on Charlie Brown.
All right.
Thank you, Governor.
I appreciate you taking time talking with us today and letting us know how crazy you are.
I'm sorry.
What's been going on?
I just came to.
Okay, that was Governor Rick Perry.
He just came too.
He just came to, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
Okay, I'm joined on the phone from New York City and Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's Frank Conniff, also from Baltimore on the phone.
Hilarious comedian, the host of the Fighting Ungers podcast.
It's Mark Unger in the studio with me, the host of Comedy and Everything Else, our resident Latina, Steph Zamarano.
Behind the camera, it's Gilbert Zaza Zakawker here.
How do you tell your last name?
Zaraki.
Zaraki.
What's your nationality?
He's Armenian, so he's a little bit of criminal.
Are you filming this for video, Jimmy?
Yes.
Oh, my God.
I got to put my clothes on.
So there's been a lot of stuff, inequality in pay for women.
There's a pay disparity.
Some people say it's 70 cents on the dollar.
Some people say it's 86 cents on the dollar.
But it's still, it's not equal, right?
So women aren't getting equal pay.
We found that out, okay?
So the numbers could be disputed, but everyone agrees it's not equal pay.
So there's a woman named Terry Lynn Land.
She's running for Senate in Michigan.
And on Equal Pay Day, a video of her from 2010 surfaced of her talking against equal pay for women, a woman speaking against equal pay.
And her rationale was this.
This is what she said.
Well, we all like to be paid more.
That's great.
But the reality is that women have a different lifestyle.
They have kids.
They have to take them to get dentist appointments, doctor's appointments, all those kind of things.
And they're more interested in flexibility in a job than pay.
Yeah, women are more interested in flexibility than pay because if you're really flexible, it's easier to get fucked in the ass by your boss, right?
Right.
Yeah.
You get higher pay.
Yeah, that's how you get the higher pay.
You got to be flexible.
You know, Jimmy, her campaign slogan is Terry Lynn Land.
I hate myself.
Yeah, and you know what?
Women want flexibility, Frank, and being paid more money ain't going to help any of that.
The last thing they would want while raising kids is equal pay.
It's the last thing women want.
She's right about flexibility.
I'll tell you right now.
She's right about flexibility.
A lot of my girlfriends are yoga instructors.
It's no different than a black reconstruction candidate saying, yeah, you know, blacks are slaves for a reason.
I mean, ridiculous.
And you know, women who have respectability and they really don't like the idea of being able to send their kids to college.
No.
No, not at all.
How about there are some women, believe it or not, that don't have kids.
There are some women who don't have kids.
Isn't that amazing?
Are you one of those people, Steph?
Yes.
So you would like equal pay.
Yes.
And you know that somewhere this woman read the Sarah Talon pamphlet and saw the word soccer?
Yeah.
Had to react by bringing up the word, why do soccer moms have this whole different lifestyle than every other woman in the entire universe?
They're like soccer moms who they don't care about their pay.
They just want to play soccer and have guns and bands.
But everybody else, you know what?
We'd like some equal pay.
Bet along those lives, I'd also like to know if there's so many soccer moms, how come everybody hates soccer?
Soccer is never caught up in America ever.
And yet there's millions of soccer mobs, right?
Yeah, soccer is not catching up.
It's still on ESPN too.
It is not catching.
It should be on ESPN 4.
You know what soccer needs?
The rest of the world, it's the most popular sport there is.
In America, we don't care for it.
Except for our moms, apparently.
You know, what soccer...
What soccer needs is a bigger field and less scoring.
I think that's what soccer needs.
I like a 1-0 game.
I like watching a guy run 1,000 yards to kick a ball and then run 1,000 yards to kick a ball.
Being a soccer goalie is no different than playing blackjack.
You have a 50-50 shot of blocking the shot.
That's really all you have.
Black or red.
That's it.
I really couldn't.
And most of the game, you can just literally just do your laundry, do your taxes.
And by the way, using our hands, having opposable thumbs is a thing that separates us from the animals.
Okay.
So why?
Hey, let's do a sport.
Not in Europe.
Yeah, let's do a sport where we don't use that thing that makes us cool.
Let's do that.
Hey, let's go to a concert where nobody sings.
Let's do that.
Why would you do this?
Why would you play a sport where you can't use your hands?
Does it make any sense?
Anyway, you're just your feet.
That is so stupid.
That's how I feel about it.
Anyway.
Okay.
Music by Ben Thede
Okay, so I got a lot of stuff happening.
I got Vladimir Putin on the line.
And let's see if we can listen to a little bit of this coming.
Hello, Vladimir.
Are you there?
What is that?
Hello?
I think so, yes.
I should probably know.
Greetings from Moscow.
Hey, now, listen, I got to ask you a question.
No, you don't.
This is optional.
Yes, listen.
You know what keeps going through my head?
Is when I said to you on one of the calls, hey, look, you know, I hope it all works out for you in Crimea.
And you go, no, it's already worked out.
Everything's worked out.
And it's exactly, he's taking over the country.
He's doing it city by city, and he's doing it pretty much nonviolently almost.
Like, he knows they're just going to roll over.
Why are we talking about conversation that we are currently involved in?
This meta-conversation bores me.
Okay, well, listen now, Vladimir, President Putin.
Everyone sees what you're doing.
Boing what?
I'm not bullying anything.
You're sending in Russian soldiers.
What?
What?
We're just hanging out.
We're just friends.
Ukraine is my cousin.
Now, everyone can see what you're doing.
You're sending in Russian soldiers in civilian clothes to pretend like they're protesting against the Ukrainian government.
We are doing no such thing as this grassroots movement in Kiev and Donetsk and Odessa.
That is all, those are all native Ukrainians.
This is grassroots, much like your Tea Party movement.
I don't know these people.
I've never seen these people in my life, Jimmy.
Who are you talking about?
The guy, the people who are leading the quote-unquote protesters in the Ukraine.
I've never, I don't know them.
I've never seen the Navers.
They're Ukrainian.
I don't know them.
That is not Igor and Sasha and Andreyev.
This is not those guys.
Thank you.
So Hey, no, there's a lot more to that Vladimir Putin phone call.
Probably, I don't know, four more, five more minutes of our conversation.
And we just don't have time for it.
We have time for it.
That's just our teas for the premium.
That's out.
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Okay, so thanks everybody for listening.
That's it for this week.
I'll see everybody who's in the Claremont, California area, May 2nd and 3rd, May 1st.
We're at the Troubadour in West Hollywood.
And then this Thursday, April 24th.
That's right.
We're doing a show at the Fake Gallery with Ben Mankowitz and Jenk Uger and Anna Kasperian.
Okay, so if you want to check that show out, there's links for all those shows over at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Okay, this show was written by Mike McRae, Frank Conniff, Robert Yasimura, Mark Van Landewitt, and Steph Samarano.
All the voices today performed by the one and only Mike McRae.
And big thanks to Mark Thompson for doing the NPR commercial.
Hilarious.
All right.
And big thanks to our friend Mark Unger, who can be found.
His podcast is called The Fighting Ungers, and it can be found at thefightingungers.com.
Okay, that's it for this week.
Until, oh, I want to say also shout out to Sean James, who helps make our computer run.
If you need any help on fixing your Macintosh, he'll fix your Macintosh right over the internet.
It's kind of amazing.
And you can send him an email at MacHelp at SeanJames.com or you can call him.
His number is 347-695-0601.
Okay, that's it for this week.
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