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April 12, 2014 - Jimmy Dore Show
59:09
20140412_The_Jimmy_Dore_Show_4-12-14
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show!
Door, this is Bill O'Reilly.
Look out, son.
I'm about to pull you on blast.
You and all the rest of the left-wing tackle nuts who quoke your role as progressive agitators with silly little jokes.
I don't know if you saw last night's factor, but I had a particularly scathing piece on Stephen Colbert, wherein I deftly tied the UConn student riots to his late-night comedy program like an illogical maniac war.
And he's just the beginning.
I'll be dealing with that smog bloviator Jon Stewart, that godless Bill Maher, and even little Jimmy Fallon's going to get an Irish noogie.
Not that he's political or anything.
I just don't like to think we cracks up at his own jokes all the time.
You're in Carson's chair now, kid.
Try and sip it up, would you?
The time was right to go after my nemesis, Colbert, because his power was clearly weakened by the canceled Colbert hashtag Kerfafel a week ago.
His fellow secular progressives, led by Twitter activist Ms. Sue Park, went after one of their own after Mr. Colbert said Ching Chong Ding-Dong on the show, which shows what a racist, duplicitous windbag he really is.
Have I ever said Ching Chong Ding-Dong on my show?
I've never said Ching Chong Ding-Dong because I am a conservative, not a Democrat.
And as Alan West points out, racism in this country is a Democrat disease.
The KKK was founded by Democrats.
And to this day, racism is kept alive, not by the right, but by the grievance industry and the race hustlers funded by the Democrat Party.
These are facts, Jimmy.
Look them up in any American history textbook, preferably one that is a choose your own adventure made up of old Ron Paul newsletters from the 1990s.
So it's open season on comics on the factor.
And you, Mr. Doar, will be my biggest fish.
I'm going to fry you up pre-Vatican II style and invite the whole parish to dine on your intellectually dishonest caucus.
Because anytime people on the far left declare war on people on the left, we right-wingers know that it is also the time to strike.
Do I agree with the feminists at Jezebel and Salon.com?
Fuck no.
But hey, if they want to go after the same white male liberal comics that tend to be my detractors, I will gladly put my hand in their clammy, unmanicured ham graspers, and we will clothesline you douchebags like it's a game of unisex Australian rugby.
And once all your offended listeners over at KPFK hear that you had a sketch on your show where that idiot who does the bad Bill O'Reilly impression said Ching Chong Ding Dong three times four times, you're going to get clobbered.
And just like Colbert couldn't hide behind satire, you won't be able to hide behind meta comedy or clever framing devices or breaking the fourth wall, whatever the f ⁇ this is.
Either way, that's when I'll be coming for you.
You better watch your back, you mindless America-hating new media entrepreneur piece of shit.
Get the new Jimmy Dore show app on iTunes.
And that is tonight's Fonky Points memo.
Fonky Points It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
the show for gut-minded, lowly-livered lefties.
The kind of people It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you guys.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore!
Hi, it's Jimmy Dore, and I'm talking into a microphone sitting on a desk, and it sounds good.
Look at you, Mr. Fancy Pan.
Oh, next to me, hilarious comedian from the Rubin Report on the TYT Network.
It's Dave Rubin.
Hi, David.
Jimmy, it is always a pleasure to be with you.
We both have microphones.
Yours is a little higher than mine, which I feel is a little higher than you.
I'm a little higher.
You're a little higher, literally and figuratively.
Figuratively.
But it's always a pleasure to be here for the Jimmy Door Show, and I feel good about today's show.
Oh, Dave, you're very nice, Dave.
You're very nice.
I'm telling you, I sense.
You're bringing me back to sanity.
Over across the room from me, hilarious comedian, the host of Comedy and Everything Else, our resident Latina, Steph Samurano.
Hola, Jimmy.
I'm a mech I can.
All right.
She is a mechi-can and a proud union member.
Next to her, hilarious comedian from Team Yasamura, Robert Yasamura.
Hola, Jimmy.
I'm an Asian ICAN.
Thanks for being funny.
All right, let's do a few jokes before we get to the jokes.
Hey, I don't know if you know, but Stephen Colbert, he's going to replace David Letterman.
But did you know that he was also in line to replace David Gregory on Meet the Press?
But NBC said they already had a fake journalist doing that, Jeff.
Hey!
Wait, there.
And you know, I'm getting a lot of grief from people saying that I overuse office terminology in conversation.
And I'm like, hey, sorry, didn't get the memo.
So, good joke.
And did you know George Bush's painting?
Again, I would like to see him paint a night scene from Fallujah where they were burning children with phosphorus.
But that's just me.
He paints a lot more bathtubby stuff.
But did you know there's reports?
They say he copied some of his images from Google.
That's right.
But the reports that Bush copied paintings from Google Images, they're implausible because nobody believes he's smart enough to know how to use Google.
Google.
Galoo.
That's right.
We got a lot of great stuff coming up on today's show.
We got phone calls from Bill O'Reilly, Chris Christie, Mike Huckabee calls in.
Plus, we got stories with Lindsey Graham's going to defend healthcare.
We're going to have Alan Comb sticks up for women on Fox News.
Chris Christie, he got roasted.
Figuratively, he got roasted.
He doesn't know what a roast is.
He's not really used to it.
And we're going to talk about that a lot more.
us today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
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For generations, the public has been taking Pfizer products, and for generations, Pfizer has been taking the public.
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Additional funding by the Rosalind P. Russell Foundation, who believe that culture should be free to everybody if you're rich enough.
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And from viewers like you.
Thank you.
Okay, so I don't know if you know, but the Republicans have a problem with the gays.
And I don't say that.
That's gays with a Y, not a Z. And so Mike Huckabee, who is what do you call a pretend Christian?
Anybody who wears their Christianity on their sleeves in politics is full of shit, and there's no doubt about it, okay?
And Mike Huckabee is one of the worst.
You know, if you say you're a preacher and you're in politics, especially right-wing politics, there's something wrong with you, right?
Because Jesus was a hippie.
Okay, so plus, so here he is.
He's got problems.
He wants to let everybody know.
Well, first of all, he's talking about the gays, and here he is.
He's going to try to, he gave this speech where he tried to pretend he didn't hate the gays, right?
And first of all, he's going to let you know who the real victims are in America.
Play the video one.
And alone in our culture.
Alienated in many cases because we have a view of marriage that holds back to the traditions that go all the way back to the garden.
Yeah, see who's being alienated, Dave?
Who's being alienated there, Dave, is the white male straight Christian in America.
He's being alienated in his own country.
I know people with straight marriages and their garden.
I assume he's talking about the Garden of Eden.
Yes.
He's talking about like a tomato garden or something.
I think it's Garden of Eden.
I didn't know they were being oppressed.
I now feel very differently about everything that I've ever thought about anything.
I'm going to have to rethink a lot of stuff.
Wow.
You know, sidebar for Mike Huckabee.
I once debated Mike Huckabee on Geraldo's radio show during the Chick-fil-A gay thing.
You did?
Yeah, I did.
And I'm pretty sure I beat him.
I'm pretty sure he beat him.
He was so into the chicken.
You know what I mean?
That I think the issues were going over his head.
But I did.
I did make it.
So he goes on.
He's got more to say.
Clip two.
By the way, I've heard people argue with me and said, well, Jesus never said anything about marriage.
I said, yes, he actually did.
A man shall leave his father and mother and a woman should leave her home and the two shall become one flesh.
That's a marriage ceremony if I've ever heard one.
Yeah, okay.
Who cares?
What does that have to do with anything?
I don't think that is Jesus.
I think that's Paul.
I think that's from the epistles.
Yeah.
Oh.
Watch your mouth.
There you go.
Yeah, watch your mouth on this show.
You're going to throw the word epistle around like that.
I'm going to get fined.
Anyway, yes, I agree with you, Robert.
People who are biblical scholars who I trust, and I don't trust Mike Huckabee because he's a huckster.
They've told me Jesus didn't speak.
And you would know better than me, right?
You're gay.
Yes, but I'm not.
What does that have to do with anything?
What does that mean?
Jesus said that or not.
Jesus has been dead for a couple thousand years.
I'm not a biblical scholar.
But also, what does that have to do with anything?
He should know, if anyone, that we have separation of church and state in America.
Did you know that?
I just had it in my name.
I forgot.
Not according to Louis Goldman.
What does that have to do with how we're governed?
Not according to Louis Gomert.
It's a one-way street.
Well, he's from Texas.
Yeah, he's also a child in a man's body.
Well, he's got a little bit more to say.
Can you play the next clip?
Oh, no.
Look, I'm not against anybody.
I'm really not.
I'm not a hater.
I'm not homophobic.
I honestly don't care what people do personally in their individual lives, but I tell you.
I just want to deny them equal rights.
Okay, I'm not against them.
I don't care what they do, but they just can't live life like I do.
Yeah, exactly.
They're not okay with it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, you just said it.
You can't do that.
You can't have everything.
You can't have your cake and eat it too.
Although he has been eating a lot of cake.
And you notice he's put on a camera.
We have noticed that Mike Huckabee's back up to his, what do you call, not fighting weight?
It's called the rolling weight.
Yes, his rolling weight.
Okay, yes.
So that's my favorite thing.
I'm not against anybody, except I just don't want them to have the same rights as everybody else.
Joking aside, do you think he thinks he can roll back the progress that gay rights have made?
That's what I think is interesting.
Like, you know, you're losing.
So why do you keep doubling down?
It's an addiction.
Yeah, I think it is an addiction.
They got nowhere else to go.
You know, they're like Mayo in Officer and a Gentleman.
You know, he's like, I got nowhere else to go except hating the gays.
What else am I going to do?
Benghazi, Obamacare, gays.
It's the triumvirate, right?
It's the trinity of Republican politics right now.
He's got a little...
Ah, yes, he did.
What was his name, the actor?
Oh, Richard Gere.
Richard Gere.
Mayo.
I call him Mayo.
It reminds me of a party I was at with Richard Gere.
Mayo?
It was all right.
Yada yada yada out of dead jerk.
None of my father.
Yeah, none of my business.
He's got one more thing to say.
But here's the hearing.
He really wraps it up nice here with Mike Huckabee.
The reason when people say, well, why don't you just kind of get on the right side of history?
I said, you got to understand, this for me is not about the right side or the wrong side of history.
No, it's not about the right side or the wrong side of history.
What is it about?
Let's see what it's about, Gilbert.
Can you play the last clip?
This is the right side of the Bible.
And unless God rewrites it, edits it, sends it down with his signature on it, it's not my book to change.
See?
Dave, I think you said this yesterday.
If you don't mind me stealing it from you.
Steal a joke from me in front of me, please.
That's the best thing to do.
He doesn't hate the gays.
The Bible hates the gays.
I love the gays.
I don't care what they do, but the Bible tells me to hate them.
Please, I just sucked off A guy in a bathroom.
I mean, I don't hate the gays.
Yeah, it's so fucking ridiculous.
We believe that, right?
You can do whatever you want.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
It's so ridiculous.
So, and I don't understand.
So it's to the point now, I wonder where he was giving that speech, because why does he feel the need to make nice with the gay?
Why does he feel at me like, hey, I don't hate, I'm the nicest guy in the world.
He's trying to get cool, Craig, while he's still being a dick.
You know what I mean?
He wants to be.
I'm not against the gays, but I just think.
You know, but Jesus has a problem with the gays.
That guy, and it's this book.
But doesn't he realize as a governor and a guy who ran for president that those are not the things that we are governed by?
That's not the Bible, you mean?
Yeah, we're not governed by a 2,000-year-old man who's dead, and we're not governed by the Bible.
I can't change the Bible.
Well, good.
We're not governed by the Bible, so that's okay.
I mean, come on.
Very nice.
But I do think that in the Bible, it did say, don't suck off another man.
Corinthians 1, 2, 3.
What is it?
Was it?
Yeah.
That was Corinthians.
That's Leviticus, actually.
I think it was Cock Corinthians.
I see.
I'm doing puns.
I'm doing puns over here.
Actually, in the Bible, it said, thou shalt not lay with another man like thou does with a woman.
Right.
Don't lay with women like that, so it's okay.
Right.
Yes.
You know what I mean?
I'm not doing that shit with women.
So I'm, if anything, I'm the biblical one here.
I always said you are.
I always said, write up your biblical.
All right.
That's Mike Huckabee.
By the way, I just want to say one more time: whenever you see a politician wearing his religion on his sleeve, he's full of shit.
I'm out.
I'm out.
Okay, so you heard Mike Huckabee recently tried to say that he didn't hate the gays.
He just hated he was the Bible who hates the gays.
It's not him.
He's totally cool with anybody.
I don't care what you do, but God hates you.
So I have to hate you.
So I'm going to try to get him on the phone here.
Hello, Governor Mike Huckabee.
Are you there?
Governor?
Where are you?
Hi there, Jimmy.
There it is, Mike Huckabee.
Yeah, Governor, we wanted to ask you a few things about the.
Please allow me to introduce myself to your audience so they know who I am and what I'm about.
Okay, all right, go right ahead.
What are you about, Governor?
I would like to ask you a few questions.
I'm just a simple country boy from Arkansas who loves his country.
Rock and roll.
Good old American values.
Running for president, not running for president, getting my own talk show on Fox News, slowly gaining back all the weight I had lost when I ran for president, and literally talking out of both sides of my mouth.
And I'm a lucky fella.
Yeah.
I got to serve the great state of Arkansas as governor and play base with the great Ted Nugent, outspoken conservative performer of such family-friendly hits as Catch Scratch Fever and Wang Dang Sweet Poon Tang.
Not bad for a chubby kid from Turkey Neck Hollow in Bumpo County.
Yeah, listen, I wanted to ask you about your recent attempt to whitewash your anti-gay history and all your homophobia and hatred.
Jimmy, I'm not a homophobe.
I'm a Christophile.
What does that mean?
It means I'm a Bible-believing Christian.
And the Bible does have a lot of rules in it.
Sometimes inconvenient rules.
Some that deal with human sexuality.
I just believe that we are supposed to follow those rules.
Well, what do you say to all those Christians who seem to be able to square their religion with homosexuality?
What do you say to those people who are Christians and don't care?
I'd say that it's that same biblical cherry-picking that has allowed liberal Christians to reinterpret the Bible over the years so as to condemn slavery, point out that Jesus was all about wealth distribution, or that women aren't shamable before God when they're menstruating or other examples of apostate foolishness.
But I'm talking about your history of taking aggressive stance against gays.
That's what I'm talking about.
Well, like what?
What do you mean like what?
You gave a keynote address at the inauguration of Trail Life.
Do you know what Trail Life is?
That's the youth organization meant to keep gays out of the Boy Scouts.
That's.
Jimmy, as a free market conservative, I simply feel that consumers should have the choices.
The Boy Scouts have had a monopoly on sash wearing and orienteering for too long in this country.
Your support of gay conversion therapy, which has been proven to not only be ineffective, but psychologically detrimental.
How about that?
Your support of that, gay conversion therapy.
Jimmy, I believe in job creation.
Yeah.
More specifically, secure private sector job creation.
And what more secure position could there be than a therapist whose patients, by definition, will never be cured.
Okay.
And you're spearheading of a Chick-fil-A.
Jimmy, look at me.
I think you can tell I appreciate waffle fries.
I don't see the harm in simply expressing that appreciation publicly with my fellow evangelical Christians.
It's just a coincidence that it happened to occur right after they were taken to task over gay issues.
Wow, you've got a tiny little excuse for every little thing, don't you, Mr. Huckabee?
This isn't my first rodeo, Jimmy.
Uh-huh.
Attempting to divorce the concept of biblical objection to gay marriage from homophobia and discrimination is a right-wing intellectual tightrope walk that I have completely mastered.
I know what to say to you.
I know what to say to the Family Research Council.
And this may blow your mind, but I say different things.
You say different things today.
I would imagine you say different things.
Look, but don't you know that this fight is already lost?
Gay marriage is on its way, Mr. Huckabee, and it's going to be the law of the land anytime soon.
So what is it?
The fight is over.
Gay marriage is here, yet you keep clinging.
What is the problem?
Of course, Jimmy, I don't have the blindness of Samson.
I know what's coming.
But the fight now is about ensuring that Christians don't have to recognize those marriages.
We may have lost the fight over the altar, but we'll make our stand at the wedding cake.
And if we fail there, we will retreat to the Christian limo driver and his rights and dig our trenches.
And if we get mustard gassed out of there yet again by godless liberalism, then we'll head to the Caribbean nations, pull another Uganda, and make it so no gay couple can ever get a decent, affordable honeymoon at an all-inclusive resort ever again.
Wow.
You are really, really going down with the ship on this gay issue, aren't you, sir?
Oh, we don't think it'll go that far, Jimmy.
We're confident that we'll be able to establish a conventional wisdom that Christians denying service to homosexuals isn't discrimination, but rather exercising religious freedom.
Don't think we can.
Look at how polling shows that over the past decade, Americans are more skeptical about evolution and climate change than ever before.
If you don't think we can make the completely unreasonable seem reasonable, then you don't know anything about movement conservatism.
Wow, you really are evil, Aren't you?
Seed the fields with doubt, Jimmy.
What?
No, I'm just saying.
Seeds the fields with doubt.
Yeah, what I'm saying is that you're really evil.
Yes.
And that makes you giggle, Mr. Huckabee, when I say that you're really evil.
No, Jimmy, I am good because I represent the will of Jesus Christ.
You were evil because you deny his kingdom on earth.
Governor, I was speaking figuratively, okay?
I was.
Well, I wasn't.
Okay, that's Governor Mike Huckabee, ladies and gentlemen.
That's it for Mike.
Thank you.
You know, the other week, former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said that America can't afford to be wary of war.
Condoleezza's statement is half correct.
We can't afford war.
As the National Security Advisor who failed to read memos like Bin Laden determined to strike in the United States, Condoleezza was promoted to Secretary of State in an administration that started wars based on lies, didn't get bin Laden, and ordered torture.
So you can understand why Condoleezza Rice is top of the list of people we should seek policy advice from.
In the wake of the recent Ukraine aggression by Russia, right-wingers are hot on reigniting the Cold War so America can return to the golden age of Ronald Reagan.
When conservatives die on their death certificates, the cause of death will read nostalgia.
Condoleezza joins the throngs of right-wingers like Senator Lindsey Graham who are appalled at Obama's weakness of not starting any new wars.
Little known fact, Lindsey Graham, Condoleezza Rice, Michael Savage, and Matt Drudge were all invited to CPAC, but the closet wasn't big enough.
Each one of them are portraits of bravery, though Lindsey Graham did, quote-unquote, serve if you consider serving, listening 632 times to in the Navy by the village people.
These days, people like Dick Cheney and Condoleezza Rice collect huge speaking fees while making the rounds at colleges and universities, which does allow students to see what real-life war criminals look like in the flesh.
When Bush and Cheney are asked about the hundreds of thousands dead from the war in Iraq, they say, I thought I was right.
As if that makes it okay.
It doesn't.
It makes them delusional and dangerous.
This country has the freedom for everybody to have their say.
These people have had more than their say in this country, and it's time for them to just go away.
We'll see you next time.
We'll see you next time.
You know, the other week, former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said that America can't afford to be wary of war.
Condoleezza's statement is half correct.
We can't afford war.
As the National Security Advisor who failed to read memos like Bin Laden determined to strike in the United States, Condoleezza was promoted to Secretary of State in an administration that started wars based on lies, didn't get bin Laden, and ordered torture.
So you can understand why Condoleezza Rice is top of the list of people we should seek policy advice from.
In the wake of the recent Ukraine aggression by Russia, right-wingers are hot on reigniting the Cold War so America can return to the golden age of Ronald Reagan.
When conservatives die on their death certificates, the cause of death will read nostalgia.
Condoleezza joins the throngs of right-wingers like Senator Lindsey Graham who are appalled at Obama's weakness of not starting any new wars.
Little known fact, Lindsey Graham, Condoleezza Rice, Michael Savage, and Matt Drudge were all invited to CPAC, but the closet wasn't big enough.
Each one of them are portraits of bravery, though Lindsey Graham did quote unquote serve if you consider serving, listening 632 times to in the Navy by the village people.
These days, people like Dick Cheney and Condoleezza Rice collect huge speaking fees while making the rounds at colleges and universities, which does allow students to see what real-life war criminals look like in the flesh.
When Bush and Cheney are asked about the hundreds of thousands dead from the war in Iraq, they say, I thought I was right.
As if that makes it okay.
It doesn't.
It makes them delusional and dangerous.
This country has the freedom for everybody to have their say.
These people have had more than their say in this country, and it's time for them to just go away.
We'll see you next time.
We'll see you next time.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoercomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Thank you.
Okay, we're up against a break.
We'll be right back in one minute.
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Okay, let's get back to the second half of the Jimmy Dore Show right now.
Hey, welcome back to the second half of the Jimmy Door Show.
We got phone calls from Chris Christie and President of Barack Obama in this second half.
But right now, here's one of my all-time favorite comedians singing probably the funniest song I ever heard.
It's Karen Kilgariff.
Enjoy Karen Kilgarif.
I want to win.
I just want to win.
I want to crush you till your windpipe caves in.
And I want to be the prettiest person at Earth Cafe.
And I hate Tina Faye.
I know that's taboo.
So if you don't like it, you can fuck you.
Cause I want her money, her glory, her baby, her dog, and her job.
And if one more person tells me I have to watch modern family, I am going to buy that gun.
I've had my eye on.
I've had my eye on.
I once loved a boy.
He did not love me.
In retrospect, I would have to agree.
You can still bet the next one I met, I put through the ringer.
Yeah, because that is the world.
That's how it works.
Every heart's broken and everyone's jerks.
And money don't change it.
Drugs can't erase it.
You can't blog it away.
And if one more person asks me what I have been working on lately, I don't think I'll ever stop crying.
applause Thank you.
Thank you.
Okay, so if you know, if you're listening to the show, you know, I like to see your Republicans trying to talk about health care and getting caught in their own traps, right?
So it's fun to watch.
They don't have anything to say about health care.
Let's repeal it.
What should we do?
So they don't have anything to say, right?
So here's Lindsey Graham.
He was on Fox News.
You know, when Fox News starts to call you out.
So here's, he has a nice interview, Lindsey Graham.
And let's go ahead and play it.
Where do you fall on the sides of the repeal it or replace it debate?
Well, I think we need to repeal it and we need to replace it.
So I fall in the camp of doing both.
I think it's good for the Republican Party to have a plan of its own that could insure Americans without having to lose your doctor and bankrupt the country.
Yeah.
So how many years has he been a senator, right?
Does anyone know?
Roughly?
15 years, something like that, right?
I mean, he's like a three-year at least or something.
So how many years did he have to try to do what he's now saying he's going to do now because we got something that he doesn't like?
Well, to be fair, Dave, Republicans have only had five years to come up with their own health care plan.
Give them time.
It's not like they're making a big deal out of it.
That's right.
It's pretty unbelievable, right?
You would think they'd have something to say to that question.
They don't have anything to say.
Let's play clip two.
What is the plan?
Well, to me, let's start with the idea that pre-existing illnesses should not deny you coverage.
That means you're going to have to have pools for the really sick.
But why would you want to deny somebody insurance because they got sick?
Allowing children to stay on the policies up to their 26 makes sense given this economy.
And buying policies across state lines makes a lot of sense to me.
You know, when he starts describing things that he thinks should be in the health care bill, he just starts listing stuff that's already in Obamacare.
Yeah.
So he likes all those things.
He likes them, which I think is really interesting because he never proposed them before Obamacare.
He was never for insuring someone with a pre-existing condition before Obamacare.
Eventually, he kind of likes it.
Yeah.
So he's for that, keeping your kids on there.
The only thing he doesn't like about Obamacare?
Obama.
That is exactly right.
Okay.
So it's nice that she's kind of holding his feet to the fire on Fox News.
God bless her.
Let's go ahead and play the next clip, Gilbert, and see what she has to say.
What are Republicans putting out there that says to the American people, no, you can trust us.
If you don't trust what's happening now, no, trust us.
I think the first thing we got to explain to the public, the Democrats who want to fix Obamacare have a political problem.
You can't fix Obamacare.
You've got to start over.
You can take some elements I just described and build a new healthcare plan.
Obamacare is.
I'm not done yet, Senator Graham.
Why hasn't a co-op of a completely different plan from the GOP been developed, put out to the press for us to look at and really dig into?
I hope that comes.
But at the end of the day, we're trying to implement a law that's just failing America on multiple fronts.
So I'm in the camp of explaining to the American people that when a Democrat tells you he wants to mend it, not end it, it can't be mended.
He loves those little southern terms.
The mend it down ended.
It repeal it, repays it.
When asked why there isn't a Republican proposal for health care, he says, I hope it comes.
I hope it comes for someone from somewhere at some time.
Now would be good.
I hope it comes now.
Is it coming?
Where is it coming from?
He's just like the worst kind of politician.
If you were talking to this guy at a party, you would have walked away by now.
Yes.
You would have been like, oh, you have nothing to say.
You have nothing.
They have nothing.
You have nothing.
You know what?
I think he would have said, no, no, you need to stitch it, not ditch it.
I mean, it's unbelievable.
They have five years to come up with a plan.
The problem is...
They've had a hundred years, Jimmy.
You're right.
I mean, like, every healthcare in this country has been bad since basically like 1966.
And they have consistently not addressed it as an issue.
Yes.
Consistently.
Consistently.
Well, when they did address it as an issue, it was really.
it's Obamacare.
I mean, this is their proposal.
And that's why it's so, that's why they have nothing to say back.
And we all know that.
It's their plan.
Why don't you have another proposal?
Because the black guy took our proposal.
And the only talking point that they're saying that actually resembles a plan is basically just going back to the way things were.
Yes.
And they're saying, like, well, we need to free the power of the market and just really make it an open free market.
What do you think has been going on?
I don't know.
We should make it more like the real estate market.
That'll work out great.
You know, we've talked about this before, but this is like every day on Drudge when the lead story is someone was denied access to health care with a pre-existing condition.
You know, and they figure out some loophole that somebody, maybe something sort of happened.
And it's like, you didn't care about that three years ago, you know, so you can't care now.
Well, that's the whole thing.
They never cared about this ever.
They had the House, the Senate, and the presidency from 2000 to 2006, did nothing, did nothing on health care.
Bill Clinton tried to do something on health care.
They kicked his ass in 1993, 94.
So he was done with it, right?
And then when the Republicans took the reins, they didn't do a damn thing.
So here we are.
And it's fun.
You know, that's how untenable or indefensible their position is on healthcare.
They can get tripped up on Fox News.
And they've had five years to prepare for this question, and there's no answer.
They have no answer.
The best interviewer on Fox News ever.
She was even holding a pen in her hand like a professional.
Did you see?
Yes.
And she actually looked at him and asked the follow-up question.
Well, she's not done.
She's my hero.
She's going to ask him another question.
Go ahead.
She has Moxie.
She does have Moxie.
I want more of her.
Let's go.
She's going to ask him another question right now.
But getting back to the question, we're going to have to run.
What is preventing the Republicans from putting forward a real plan that everybody can look at even before November?
Is it simply the election and political pressure that's not allowing that to happen?
Are you waiting for the change in the world?
I think we should have an outline of a health care plan that would be better for America.
I think that would help the Republican Party.
Yeah, you think?
You think having a health care plan would help the Republican Party?
She just said, when are you going to have the plan?
And he said, I think we should have a plan.
That was how that conversation just went down.
I want to be very clear.
I like her.
I like her very much.
But where does she get off going on Fox News and not wearing a sleeveless dress?
Where does she get the right?
By the way, I guarantee they ended that broadcast.
She walked off and her producer was like, Have you been reading?
Because we've talked about this.
Have you been reading?
Yes.
That's the problem.
Stop reading.
Notes?
Yeah, I know.
What have you been reading?
You've been reading Think Progress?
All right.
It's nice to see.
Finally, it's nice to see that their position is indefensible enough for Fox News.
When you're getting called out on your bad policies, if you're a Republican, getting called out on your shitty policy at Fox News, I think you lost the game.
But here's the thing: the way that the Republicans have backed themselves into a corner so deeply, I mean, so deeply on this, one of them is that if they even blink a little bit, they're going to have to admit that healthcare is different, that it is different from the rest of capitalism.
It is not buying the cheapest pair of shorts.
Right.
It is a place where a lot of the rules of the Smithian rules of capitalism fall down.
And once you admit that, they lose.
They start really losing fast because then they'll have to admit that, oh, maybe high-speed internet is also a place where that falls down.
Maybe, you know, like maybe the food chain in this country is a place where that falls down.
So they're terrified of that.
So you're saying that pure capitalism doesn't work in every situation.
And I think Americans realize that.
It doesn't work with power.
We tried to privatize the power in California.
We had rolling blackouts in the middle of the summer, right?
Streetlights, hospitals, schools losing power.
We did that experiment.
Remember, it was Kenny Boy down in Enron.
And look what happened, right?
So our went through the roof.
Our rates went through the roof.
We lost power.
So yeah, there's certain things that shouldn't be left to the brutalities of the free market and things that should be regulated.
And I would think power would be one of those.
Healthcare is another one of those.
I'm sure there's others, but I can't think of them.
Jimmy, I was not told I was doing a communist radio show.
This is a communist.
A perfect example is that the government owns our phone lines.
That's why we have competitive services because it's not like your cable where the cable company owns the cable.
Yes.
Right.
So it's a utility that is in partnership with private industry.
It works pretty well.
But the moment that they accept that, their whole jig is up.
Yes, right.
Which is why they have to say Social Security doesn't work and Medicare doesn't work.
They have to say everything governmental doesn't work because it blows the jig is up then.
If they admit that, yeah, sometimes government works, even though every day they admit government works when they kiss the ass of the military.
Exactly.
Because that's just the government deciding to put together some people and go do a job.
That's the military's the government.
The government is us.
I mean, so even though they undercut their own argument by praising the military, it doesn't seem to connect with the public.
But anything else, go ahead, Steph.
Well, just like Lindsey Graham says, if you blink, you sink.
It makes me wish I was Southern.
Doesn't it make you wish you were Southern so you could just do that?
Instead of coming up with thoughts and like valid arguments, you would just have little things that sort of rhyme and don't really mean anything.
God, that's good.
Guys walking around the south with rhyming dictionaries considered geniuses.
You know, folks, in the last 10 years, roasts have become public events, right?
Roasts, where you roast people.
People know what roasts are.
They weren't always like this, by the way.
Roasts used to be private stuff, right?
Where guys got together and told dirty jokes.
And when a woman showed up, you got to hear her say something dirty.
Like Annette Filicello said, fuck.
It's really fun, right?
At a roast, right?
And if a public person goes to a roast in this day and age, they know the score, especially if they've got some fairly public scandals happening in there.
And let's say, like, if they're, let's say if Andy Dick is in attendance, Andy Dick is going to catch some heavy shit, right?
And knowing Andy Dick, he'll probably rub that shit all over him.
So if you're Extraordinarily overweight and you're an embattled governor of an already joke state, right?
And you show up at a roast, guess what?
They're going to make fun of you.
They're going to make fun of you, Dave.
That's generally how it's come to pass.
I mean, he's the governor of New Jersey.
He's overweight, and he's being investigated criminally.
It's like he's got an existential kick-me sign hung on his neck.
Am I wrong about this?
You are not wrong.
So someone thought it would be a good idea to give former New Jersey Governor Brendan Burns a roast who's in his 90s.
Give him a roast.
Right.
Yeah.
Because someone has bad ideas.
That's right.
Also, in the realm of bad ideas, Governor Chris Christie decided to attend the roast and sit right on the dais.
Because what could possibly go wrong with Chris Christie showing up at a roast?
Let's cue Joy Behar.
Can I take a moment to thank Governor Christie for hope in this event?
It was very brave of him.
I mean, he's had a very few, I've been a few tough, tough, right?
Sir, some tough weeks.
Don't look at me like that.
You're scaring me.
Now, I love that, right?
Right away.
She gets right in his fiddle, look at me like she talks to him like he talks to everybody else.
And it turns out the crowd loves it.
The crowd loved it.
They loved it.
And here's the thing.
So here, he's playing the next clip.
He doesn't like it.
Chris Christie snaps.
Here we go.
Don't bully me.
Don't bully me.
Get out of the roof.
I love that, right?
So he gets up.
He literally tried to grab her joke pages out of her.
He wouldn't have given them back.
He was like, I've had enough for this.
He's at a roast.
Maybe, maybe, Robert.
What do you got to say, Robert?
No, it's just like, she's not even into her routine.
Like, she hasn't done anything to him yet.
All she's done so far is said his name and a few facts.
That's it.
That's it.
And he's already up and off.
He's already, I can't take this.
I can't take this.
So here's where there's one more clip.
So let's get to it.
This is great.
Why don't you get up here at the microphone instead of being such a coward?
Too many heroes.
I can't do it.
At least I don't get paid for this.
He only pay you to do this.
Let me put it to you this way, in a way that you'd appreciate.
You toast against her.
Right in his face.
Fat joke right in your fat fucking face.
I loved it.
I thought that was great.
I know, Joy Behar, my new hero.
Good for Joy Behar.
You know, people were talking about how she seemed rattled and she got nervous.
I didn't think she seemed rattle.
I think she handled it really well, and I'm really proud of her.
I mean, her new biggest fans.
Yeah.
She's a comedian sitting two feet away from a guy who potentially is going to run for president, and she did it.
She did it.
And she did it.
She didn't cower out.
She did what we did.
A guy who has intimidated much more powerful people than Joy Behar, by the way, Steph.
You know, Dave, I thought you were just going to say she's sitting beside a guy who's going to run her over.
Yeah, he could ram right through her like Rob Ford style.
You know what she would say about all this?
So what?
Who cares?
So what?
Well, here's the thing about Chris Christie.
He didn't have to go to this event.
What is he thinking?
He could have just said, hey, I can't go.
I'm too fat.
You know, he could have said something like that.
He could have called.
He's called in fat for you.
He could have said there was a traffic problem.
He could have said there was a traffic problem.
Okay, so.
I totally love that she said, don't bully me.
Don't bully me.
Chris Christie is forevermore known as the bully.
I love it.
It didn't take long.
It took a couple of years.
People finally started to come around to see that he's the douchebag that he is.
It's very dynamite.
I'm enjoying this.
I feel like Jersey mafia versus New York mafia because she's Italian Brooklyn and he's Italian Jersey and you could feel the cannolis.
You know what I mean?
I think you're right.
Okay, but guess what?
Chris Christie, I've actually, I'm going to try and get him on the phone right now.
Hello, Governor.
Do we have the governor on the phone here, Governor?
Yeah, whatever.
Oh, hey, hey.
Hey, what's been going on with you recently, Governor?
I heard that.
Basically, nobody's taking my Love Fives investigation of myself seriously.
No?
I investigated myself or found myself completely innocent of any wrong Boeing.
In fact, I didn't realize that I was that innocent.
Wow, Governor, shocking, shocked.
One of your comedian friends, Joy Behar.
Joy Behar never met Joy Behar.
You never will meet her.
Oh, Joe Behar.
You won't be seeing her, though, ball.
Why not?
Why won't I see her?
She made me look ridiculous.
And a man of my position cannot be made to look ridiculous.
What happened, Governor?
She started busting my balls.
So I did what any normal person would do at a roast.
I tried to physically intimidate her.
Why would you do that?
Women are easier to push around.
Women are easy to push around.
You think I'm going to stop being Chris Christie?
People love it when I'm a bully.
I couldn't sit there anymore pretending that I have a sense of humor.
I think you're funny, Governor.
I do.
Funny how.
I think that's like a crown.
No, I just.
Did I amuse you?
I fucking amuse you.
Funny how.
What do you mean, funny?
I'm just saying you make a big impression, Governor.
That's all I'm saying.
Not funny, Jimmy Doe.
You know, I'm very conscious of my size.
Well, you'd have to be conscious of yourself.
Oh, and here comes the fat shaming.
It's just outraged by this.
You're hiding behind your white thin person privilege.
Forget it.
I was kidding.
Forget it.
This slab is not going to take it anymore.
Hashtag cancel Jimmy Doll.
Hashtag cancel Jimmy Doll.
Well, knock yourself out with that, Governor.
Really?
I'm tweeting Michelle Marker for backup.
Alrighty, I've been talking to Governor Chris Christie.
Thanks, Governor.
Hashtag cancel Jimmy Doll.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them, too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Okay, so I don't know if you've noticed, but Bill O'Reilly's got a problem.
He knows what's wrong.
He does.
I haven't noticed.
It's called a personality disorder.
He should get that look at.
Him and Stephen Colbert have been having a little feud going back and forth.
And it's because Bill said some jackassy stuff about inequality in America.
Let's go ahead and play the first video, and you'll get a taste of what he was talking about.
Destruction in America.
That is the subject of this evening's talking points memo.
Last night, we chronicled how the grievance industry, which is being used as a political weapon by the Democratic Party, causing trouble on a number of fronts.
If you missed the memo, it is posted on Bill O'Reilly.
Okay, so where do you get the memo normally?
I don't know where you would get the memo normally.
You missed the memo.
So he knows what the destruction in America is.
It's about the grievance people.
It's the grievance industry.
So what he means by that people that are grieving, that's what he means, right?
lost a loved one.
Is that what he said?
That's not exactly what he means.
So if you feel like you're not being treated fairly in America's economic system or by the government or by just institutions, whatsoever.
So if you say something like, you're just a grievance, it's a grievance industry.
What do you do?
Why are you complaining?
So if you're the only grievances that count to Bill O'Reilly is when he's aggrieved by brown people bitching about that they're being aggrieved.
That aggrieves him.
That's a serious.
He has a big grievance with people with brown people talking about their grievances.
So if you're a brown and you have a grievance, shut up.
If you're white, scream about it at the top of your lungs like the war on Christmas.
Keep screaming about your grievances.
But anybody else who has an actual grievance, they should shut the hell up.
This is what he's saying.
I need a grievance chart.
I do need a grievance chart.
I like to have a grievance board like Oprah, like a dream board.
These are the grievances I aspire to.
I aspire to grieve about paying too much taxes.
Oh, it's so much.
They take half of my million dollars.
Okay.
So let's play the second clip.
It gets funnier.
Go ahead.
Riley.com.
Well, right on queue, another disgraceful exhibition.
After their basketball team won the national championship, some students at the University of Connecticut rampaged, causing destruction and putting other students and police at risk.
35 people arrested, 20 of them UConn students.
At the University of Kentucky, which lost the game, a similar scene.
Mindless vandalism, contempt for authority, 18 people hurt, multiple arrests.
There is no political component involved.
The mayhem is happening because of a breakdown of respect for property and authority.
The main driver of the destructive mindset is grievance and entitlement.
Okay.
Grievance and entitlement.
So he sees after they win the basketball game, they lose a basketball game.
They do what pretty much everybody's been doing for 25, 30 years.
They've had a little bit of a bit of a rowdy riot in the streets where they throw some bottles and they turn over some cars, maybe.
And I don't know if you heard, but eight people got hurt, which there's a bigger mortality rate at a friggin' Dodgers game.
And here he is worrying about college kids having riots.
And he knows why, because it's because of the grievance and entitlement.
You know what?
There are things that humans do to get their emotions out when some stuff goes down.
And that's one of it.
You know, I'm pretty sure when the Romans would win a big fight, that there were orgies after they were doing stuff that were grievance-related.
You know what I mean?
There were orgies.
What else did they do besides orgy?
I think that was at the orgies.
It was the food gouging, the gorging.
Yes, all of that stuff.
Yeah.
So, yeah, so a couple kids.
At vomitoriums, remember?
They would eat so much, they would go vomit and then they go eat again.
That's a myth.
That's a myth.
Okay, well, I saw it on Saturday Night Live, so I'm pretty sure.
I'm pretty sure it's real.
Okay.
But here's the thing.
Look, the only thing.
That is shameful behavior, but it's not worth talking about.
It's big whoop.
Like, yeah, some kids acted shitty.
Did you see the video?
They're going tisk, tisk, tisk, too.
But I'm not going to raise it to the level of policy of a cultural commentary.
They did lift that stop sign out of the ground, which could be very dangerous.
You know, did you?
That's what I'm saying.
When you see the footage of a stop sign being taken down, I knew America was going to hell in a handbasket right then.
But, you know, the word, the sentence I never thought I would hear is college basketball fans from Connecticut rampaging.
Thank you.
Thank you.
you *music* Look, guess who I got on the phone?
I got President Barack Obama on the phone.
I think I got him on the phone.
Hello, Mr. President.
Mr. President, hello.
Are you there, Mr. President?
Is he here?
Yay.
This is President Over 7 million sign up to Obamacare, Obama.
Hello, Mr. President.
How are you?
Yeah.
Aren't you going to congratulate your man, Barack?
Yes, congratulations on the successful launch of the Affordable Care Act, Mr. President.
I rope-a-dope those Republicans so hard they ended up shadowboxing with their own health care plans.
Hey, Republicans, you feel that sting in the back of your neck?
That's pride, fucker with you.
Ha ha ha!
Bye.
And that is the phone call that is available in this week's premium content.
There's a lot more to that phone call.
You got to get the premium.
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That's right.
The app is there.
You can get everything through there.
Okay.
It's fantastic.
I'm excited about it.
I've never had an app before.
I'm not even sure if I know how to use it.
I'm not smart or technically adept.
I know how to do a podcast.
I mean, I know how to do my podcast.
That's all I know how to do.
This week's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Mark Van Landuitt, Frank Conniff, Mike McRae, Robert Yasimura, and Steph Zamarano.
All the voices today performed by the one and only Mike McRae, who can be found at MikeMcRae.com.
Special thanks to our good friend Mark Thompson of KFI for doing the voiceover of the PBS sketch.
Fantastic.
And to Karen Kilgariff, who was a guest a long time ago on the show.
And she sang that song.
Love it.
One of my all-time favorites.
Want to give a shout out to the gentleman who donates his time and his talent to make sure the podcast works right.
It's Sean James, and he can fix your Macintosh computer right over the internet.
If you need help, give him a call.
347-695-0601 or send him an email at machelp at seanjames.com.
And you spell Sean, S-H-A-U-N.
Okay, see everybody at Claremont on May we'll see at the Troubadour May 1st, Claremont Flappers Comedy Club, May 2nd and 3rd.
Okay, there's links for all that stuff over at jimmydoorcomedy.com.
Did you like how I just said, comedy.com?
I got to get a little announcery.
I can do it.
I can pull a little life into it.
Okay, that's it for this week.
Thanks for listening.
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