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April 5, 2014 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Last week, billionaire financier Sheldon Adelson, casino owner with ties to the Asian mafia, hosted the top GOP presidential hopefuls in Las Vegas.
What they were really doing was going out there to ask him to give them his millions of dollars so they can be president.
We talked to Sheldon Adelson to get his reaction to the weekend.
Hello.
Mr. Adelson.
Who's this?
It's Jimmy Dore from the Jimmy Dore show.
How are you?
Don't be pleasant.
I don't like that.
Well, I just wanted to ask you about the Republican Jewish Coalition meeting you had this last weekend.
Now, people have called this the Adelson primary.
Yeah, because that's what it is.
It's a chance for me to see what I'm buying.
You know, see if these horses can run and which horse might start a shooting war with Iran and that kind of thing.
And was there any candidates you particularly liked?
Yeah, I like Vlad Putin.
I like that guy.
He's got hoots for Vladimir Putin.
He's not going to be running for U.S. president.
Don't be so sure, Jimmy.
I am crazy money, and I can make a lot of crazy things happen.
But of the guys you actually saw, who did you like?
Well, it was kind of a mixed bag.
I mean, I liked Scott Walker's speech, but he really tanked in the swimsuit portion of the competition.
There was a swimsuit part?
Sure, I'm not going to give money to someone I haven't seen semi-nude.
And Governor Walker didn't do well in the swimsuit.
No, I mean, he's no Chris Christie, but well, Walker's what we would call a funny-figured man.
Okay, since you mentioned this, Governor Christie seemed to have you angered.
He seemed to have angered you in his speech.
Yes, he referred to some of the territories that Israel militarily occupies as the occupied territories.
I don't like that.
But he did apologize.
Right.
I had a private meeting with him and he apologized and then I made him do a little dance for me.
Like a kind of a cow shuffle cutting jig to its rating men.
Then I put a doll in his underwear and he left crying.
Okay, okay.
Well, were there any other highlights from the weekend?
And surprises, maybe?
Well, I will tell you, during the talent competition, Jeb Bush blew us all away.
I mean, he turns out to have the voice of an angel.
Really?
What did he sing?
He can't a beautiful Yiddish folk song, something like the Cossacks are raping my wife, and what are you gonna do?
It doesn't translate well.
You know, I'm surprised Governor Bush does traditional canting.
Well, he's from Florida.
You pick these things up.
Now, you chose to support Newt Gingrich in the last primary cycle.
Yeah, little bony rubble looking.
I like him.
He was smart.
But I didn't know he was going to start talking about going to the moon and crap.
So then you backed Mitt Romney.
Don't remind me.
The most Gentile of Gentiles.
He's like a walking aftershave commercial, that one.
Mr. Adelson, what are you looking for in a candidate?
I'll tell you, Jimmy, I'm looking for a subtle combination of hatred of Muslims and hatred of unions.
And then, of course, a certain June Saint Croix that says they're willing to commit wholesale murder.
Mr. Adelson, I gotta say, this all seems like a horrible subversion of democracy.
What are you talking about?
This is exactly what the Framers had in mind.
An elderly, wealthy Jew with ties to Asian organized crime, having a massively disproportionate amount of influence over elections and policies.
There's no way that's what the Framers had in mind.
Yeah.
I make my own reality.
But, Mr. Adelson.
No, no, no.
I don't like you anymore.
You work for me in your off Sassy.
I don't work for you.
Shut up.
Shut up and clean me.
Well, listen, thanks for your time, Mr. Adelson.
Hey, hey, you don't hang up on me.
I'm Sheldon Adelson.
hang up on you after you it's the jimmy door show the show for the kind of people that are Hell benchmay on tearing down our nation.
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you, Taylor.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore!
*outro music*
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's episode.
I'm joined on the phone, all the way from New York City at Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's TV's Frank, Frank Conniff.
Hey, Frank, how are you?
Hello there.
Good to hear your voice.
And Frank, have you been...
I apparently not, according to some people on Twitter.
People on Twitter are giving him a hard time.
Why don't you understand satire?
Someone said, you, sir, do not understand satire.
Response to what?
At least they called you, sir.
They showed you respect.
Yes, can't be totally mad.
Across from me, a hilarious comedian from Team Yasamur, it's Robert Yasamur.
Hey, Robert, how are you?
Great.
The better for your asking.
Fantastic.
And next to him, a host of Comedy and Everything Else, our resident Latina, it's Steph Zamarano.
Hey, Steph, how are you?
I'm doing very well, Jimmy.
How are you?
I'm good.
Are you a proud member of a union?
I am a proud member of two unions.
Two unions.
Oh, my God.
I didn't know that.
Okay, next, what's the second one?
Oh, screens.
SAG, that's right.
Next, it's from Jeopardy category.
Who is the host of Turter Classic movies?
It's Ben Mankowitz.
Hi, Ben.
How are you?
What's going on, Jimmy?
That's nice to have someone on the show who had a category, who was involved in a category on what is that show called?
It's still called Jeopardy, yeah.
And Jeopardy.
Yeah, Mankowicz is in the movies.
I haven't even seen it yet.
Somebody sent it to me on YouTube.
If you get on with the show and finish it, I could watch it.
Oh, okay.
We're going to go right home.
Let's get to some jokes before we get to the joint.
Hey, Obamacare, huh?
They signed up 7.1 million people.
Things are happening, but the Republicans aren't buying it.
Republicans say the numbers are all BS and it will fail according to the Republicans emboldened by the Romney landslide they predicted.
Hey, I don't know if you guys, you know, Shark NATO 2.
Did you know who's in that movie?
Matt Lauer and El Roker are both in Shark NATO 2.
Did you know that?
No.
I did not.
Yeah, and they're also in another intentionally shitty show called The Today Show.
There was a new ruling this week from the Supreme Court, even taking more restrictions off campaign finance, right?
So now it's this.
Thank God.
Yeah, so this president, it's the Supreme Court that removed campaign donation limits, and now the filthy rich will finally have a say in the electoral process.
About time.
Yeah.
Hey, did you know back in the 80s, we had a thing called the savings and loan crisis because in 1982, they deregulated all the savings and loans.
And then, I don't know, within about five years, they all went belly up.
That's apropos of nothing, I guess.
Anyway, but Charles Keating was one of the big guys who went to jail for that.
People still went to jail for bank crimes in the 80s.
They don't have him anymore.
And so, but he died.
Charles Keating died.
And his family requests that, in lieu of flowers, please embezzle a savings and loan account in his name.
Because it wasn't Jeb Bush.
He was in charge of one of the.
Oh, no, that was Neil.
Oh, is it Neil Bush?
Neil Bush was in charge of one of this failed savings and loans.
Do you know how long Keating served in jail?
Let me guess, a day?
Four years.
Really?
That's it.
Four years.
Yeah, but at least that's a sentence.
Like, at least that's a guy that's 48 months where you don't get to see your family.
You're probably disgusting.
I'm sure he was at one of those prison systems where they get to play ping-pong.
Jay Jamie Diamond is still serving his sentence in his hands, man.
Yeah.
So what's coming up on today's show?
Well, we're going to talk about Obamacare and the crazy lies that surround it seem to be coming from everywhere.
Can we have a rational discussion about the Affordable Care Act?
The answer is no.
Plus, 60 Minutes blows the roof off Wall Street.
Turns out it's rigged.
Who knew?
Who knew except everyone?
Okay.
Also, we're going to take a look at the lawyer who penned the Chris Christie investigation, aka the cover-up.
And we're going to talk about that, plus a lot lot more.
And we got phone calls from some of our favorite vintage phone calls today, and a lot lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
Jimmy Dore, this is Bill Riley.
I've been hearing that you and your little liberal pinhead friends on your little radio show over there in Cobbywood, California, have been disputing my claim that the intelligence that led us to the Abotabad four seasons over there where that coward Bin Laden was hiding was obtained through waterboarding.
Now, Jimmy, if you were a real American and watched the O'Reilly factor, you would have seen that Representative Peter King from New York said so on my show, and I agreed, and that means it's true.
There's your veracity right there, pal.
QED.
And just because King looks like the bad guy from Tommy Boy doesn't mean that he doesn't know his stuff.
He's been an ardent supporter of the IRA in the past.
So he knows about terrorism because he is personal friends with terrorists himself.
But the white kind, the kind we like.
Not those dirty bearded sandblasters over there.
Now, the British tried waterboarding a top IRA guy in the 90s who got no information, granted.
But then they replaced the water with Jamesons, and under whiskey boarding, he gave up half of Belfast and his daughter's hand in marriage.
So you got to know how these people tick.
Well, thank you, lucky stars, for waterboarding you, goddamn comedy queer.
Give me a call back.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Thank you.
We all saw the investigation Chris Christie paid a million dollars for out of public money to his private attorney to do an investigation where they interviewed nobody.
They completely exonerated him.
And completely exonerated him.
It was a really nice work.
By the way, that attorney was the former deputy mayor to Rudy Gilliam.
To Rudy Giuliani, former deputy mayor.
They didn't interview anybody.
Is that right?
They didn't interview Stepian.
They didn't interview Bridget Kelly.
They didn't interview Samson.
They didn't interview Baroni.
They didn't interview who was the guy with Wildstein.
They didn't interview any of those people.
But they came up, they know exactly what happened.
Right.
That'd be great if we allowed attorneys to do this in criminal proceedings.
You know, like where the criminal defense attorney, she'd be the only person heard in court.
And then at the end of it, he'd be like, you know, based on the evidence we've heard, I think we have no choice but to acquit.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
Prosecutors be like, we lost again.
Damn it.
Damn it.
Keep losing.
So here is the attorney that put together that report who got a million dollars from Chris Christie.
I mean, you know, New Jersey taxpayer money from Chris Christie to do this bogus thing.
So he was on with George Snuffalopagus, and here's what he had to say about the report that everyone's making fun of.
It's like laughable, right?
Like there isn't even Republicans taking this seriously.
So here, here we go.
Besides, Chris Christie, here we go.
Final quick question.
Are you confident that your report will not be contradicted by the U.S. attorney?
Are you confident your report will not be contradicted by the U.S. Attorney's investigation?
And here's what he says.
George, we are because we had no incentive to do anything other than to get to the truth.
They had no incentive.
They had no incentive then to get to the truth.
I mean, maybe there was that issue of a million incentives.
There were a million of those dollars that he got from Chris Christie.
That might be an incentive.
Forget the money.
It's your client.
There's no.
Go ahead, Frank.
This report combines rigorous investigation, dogged reporting, and blood shading.
Yeah, oh, yeah.
Yes.
You know, they figured out what the problem was, Frank.
The problem was that Bridget Kelly, she's a crazy bitch.
I don't know if you.
Yeah, she got hell half no fury like a woman scorn, Frank.
I mean, that's what happened.
Bill Stepian kicked her to the curb, and she was like, that's it.
You kicked me to the curb.
I'm shutting down two lanes on the freaking George Washington Bridge just to show you, because I'm on my period.
Yes, if you look at when those lanes were closed, it was clearly at that time of the month.
Yes.
Yes, definitely.
So here he's got a little bit more to say to snuffle up, I guess.
There we go.
Say this.
For the skeptics out there, there are some who have a visceral reaction to this bridge controversy.
It reminds me of the movie line.
Yeah, some people out there have a visceral reaction to this.
He's trying to shame you if you have a strong reaction to the knowledge that the bridge lanes were closed down for political payback.
What's wrong with you?
Some people have a visceral reaction.
You know who doesn't have a visceral reaction?
That 94-year-old lady who died because she couldn't get an ambulance because of the bridge lanes being closed.
She has no reaction.
She's taking this in stride.
Yeah, she's not bothered.
Not one bit.
You haven't heard a peep out of her, have you?
Yeah.
And she died.
You think she had no, nobody has a bigger reason to scream than her.
Nobody has a visceral reaction.
Chris Christie spent a million dollars.
Yeah.
That's pretty visceral.
Yes.
Yeah.
Yes.
Yes.
How about that?
He spent a million dollars of the taxpayers' money for this, and he spent, I don't know how many millions to have that special election for Corey Booker when he could have just had it on his regular election day.
He had a visceral reaction to running on the same day as Corey Booker.
Right, because he was afraid he wouldn't have gotten as he wouldn't have won as big, which would have lessened his chances in 2016.
Ironically enough, they're pretty less than now anyway.
So now, Frank, but he still is pushing the meme that he is not a blow-dried focus group-tested politician.
It's a freeze-dried.
He won't blow-dry his hair, but he will staple his stomach.
Right?
I'm not going to blow-dry my hair.
Could someone cut me open, please, for cosmetic reasons?
Thank you very much.
So here is his number one defender.
It's Rudolph Giuliani, right?
Yes.
And so he was on with Chuck Todd, and Chuck Todd asks him the question, and here it comes.
your former u.s attorney if somebody came to you with an investigation that He's the number one defender of Chris Christie.
He's out in front on this.
He's defending Chris Christie.
In fact, the lawyer who created the report for Chris Christie that exonerated him was Giuliani's deputy mayor.
Okay, so this is all in, that's all in the family.
This is all incestuous.
And so here we go with the question about this report.
Ready?
Here we go.
Came to a conclusion like the one that Christie's investigation did, but it did not interview the five most important players in the investigation, including Bridget Kelly, Bill Stephan, David Wildstein, David Sampson, Bill Baroni, all these people all involved in it.
Would you accept that as a complete investigation as a former U.S. attorney?
Tough spot to put him in, right?
Because he knows if he says yes, you look like an idiot.
It's too beyond the pale.
Even Rulof Giuliani, even the guy who said that under Bush, we didn't have any terrorist attack.
Even that guy can't keep this lie going, and he has to say this.
Here we go.
No, no, I wouldn't.
I would not accept it as a complete investigation, but I would accept it for what it's worth.
In other words, I would go.
In other words, I'm just going to keep talking for what it's worth, which is nothing.
It's not worth a damn thing.
Well, I guess a million dollars is what they paid for it.
So maybe it's worth that.
But no, I wouldn't accept it as a god damn it.
This is tough.
Christie's a man, this is tough.
Holy boy.
Thank you.
Chuck Todd.
How back to you.
You know, when your number one supporter can't even stand up to the report that you passed.
And this is the guy who says he's not blow-dried.
He's not a blow-dried.
He's a straight shooter.
And the report that he has commissioned is so osyriferous.
What is that word?
Odiferous.
Odiferous.
That's stink.
Don't you want to see Giuliani, any guest in this situation, sort of do what Andrea Mitchell did to Jane Harmon?
Yes.
Like, I want to see the guest go to another, you know.
Yes.
Well, I don't know.
I mean, I wouldn't accept it.
I'd accept it for what it's worth.
Chuck, you know what?
I think we have some breaking news right now from Miami.
Justin Bieber is being arranged.
Justin Bieber's being arranged.
Let's go to that live right now.
Go to that live or we can come back to Rudolph Giuliani pretending that that was a good report.
Which would you like to do?
So now here's Chris Christie being interviewed on Fox News yesterday or earlier this week.
Because anyway, here we go.
And here's what he had to say.
They asked him about who would be a good Republican candidate for president in 2016.
I think Jeb Bush would be an outstanding candidate for president.
He thinks Jeb Bush would be an outstanding candidate, right?
Because he thinks he could beat him in the primary, right?
I think Scott Walker would be a really good candidate for president.
Another guy can crush in the primary.
No problem.
The guy's got the personality of a pencil.
All right, we got this guy.
All right, here we go.
I think Paul Ryan would be a really good candidate for president.
Another guy who's tarnished.
He'll never be president, was a losing vice president, never be president.
I think he would be outstanding because I could also crush him by shining a light on his war against the poor.
Okay, who else would be?
Rand Paul.
Rand Paul?
I think he'd be a credible candidate.
Oh, that one guy who might beat me in the primary.
I'm not outstanding.
He is not outstanding.
He's credible.
He's incredible.
He'd be credible.
You mean you would believe it if he ran?
I would believe it if he ran, Rand Paul.
Here we go.
I think Marco Rubio would be a good candidate for president.
How about you?
We'll see.
I had to ask.
I knew we were going to get that answer.
You sound like you're closer to doing it than you were last time around.
What is that about?
Why is that?
Why do they, everyone like to play that game?
Look, we're going to play this game where I try to get you to say you're going to run for president.
They will laugh about it that you're not, you're not answering it.
Tim Russert made his whole career seeming like a tough guy by asking that one question.
I'm not saying he didn't ever ask any.
I was going to say that that reminded me of the very famous Dick Cheney interview when Dick Cheney told Tim Russert that there were weapons of mass destruction.
If you don't believe me, read Judy Miller's report on the front page of the New York Times today.
And I think right after that, Tim Russert went into, so are you going to run for president or not?
That's all.
He didn't ask where that report came from.
Your chief of staff leaked the report to Judy Miller.
Yeah.
While he was fucking her.
I'm just adding that part.
I don't know if that's true.
So it's just so silly.
It's like, I had to ask you.
You seem like you're getting closer to answering.
Shut up.
Also, I love that, like, it's a big joke.
Like, I had to ask.
No, you didn't have to ask, but you should have asked.
But it's not a joke that you asked.
Right.
Like, are you running for president?
You seem like a guy running for president who doesn't care about his state.
Like, and, you know, you just seem like a guy with a, you go to, you travel to the places that presidential candidates run for.
It's relevant to Americans to know whether you're running for president.
It's a fair question.
And here's the part why I played this clip, right?
So here's him trying to, she asks him, who is this?
Chris Christie?
No, no, the girl.
Oh, Megan Kelly.
Megan Kelly, okay.
Megan Kelly, and she's a woman.
Right, I'm sorry.
She is a woman, Dr. Brewster.
She'll be treated like a woman.
As a woman.
So here's Megan Kelly asking the question.
Harry, we're going to ask the question.
Well, I think I'm older and more experienced.
And it's certainly something that I've said to everybody that I'll consider.
But do you have too much baggage?
No.
I like how he acts like, no, like, what are you talking about?
He only has too much baggage as he's coming out of the grocery store.
Yeah.
No, no, I just got the one bag and then a carry-on.
What are you talking about?
Oh, you mean the bridge thing?
No.
He acts like that's a crazy thing.
Do you think you have too much baggage?
No, what are you?
Are you crazy?
Too much baggage.
You mean the fact that nobody in the country could stop talking about all the criminal malfeasance that's happening inside of my administration?
No.
No, the fact that I couldn't even be the vice president for Mitt Romney because I couldn't pass his vet test.
Go ahead, Beth.
I think the whole shame of all this is that if this scandal gets so great and he has to drop out, he'll be denied the opportunity of dropping out of the election in February of 2016.
I didn't follow that, Frank.
Because he's because no matter what, if none of this happened and he just went ahead and went into the Republican primaries, I feel he would have dropped out.
Don't forget, speaking of Giuliani, he was going to be the front runner when he was going to be able to.
Remember that?
Yeah, he was going to go down to Florida.
He skipped Iowa and he skipped New Hampshire and he's going to go right to Florida and clean up.
I'm going to skip Iowa and New Hampshire and South Carolina.
I'm going to skip Florida.
I'm going to skip Super Tuesday.
Skip California.
I'm going to skip the rest of the Midwest states.
I'm going to skip Michigan.
I'm going to win New York and that's going to be it.
Without this scandal, I do actually think that in the general election, Chris Christie would be a very formidable candidate against Hillary Clinton.
No doubt about it.
The Republicans are so dumb they would never let him get there anywhere.
No, exactly.
Even without this scandal, they're not going to let him win an adjustment.
Although, Frank, although, Frank, if you look at it, like right the last two elections, the most moderate candidate in the Republican primary has been the one to win, right?
So John McCain and then Mitt Romney, they're both really moderates.
I guess Huntsman was more moderate, but Huntsman was way more moderate.
But those guys also, the Republicans have a way that won't really be relevant this time as much.
Although it might be.
But the Republicans have a way of forever.
They've given for 50 years.
They give the nomination to the guy who's supposed to get the nomination.
And, you know, and it was Bob Dole.
And it was, you know, and then there was an opening, and George W. Bush took that opening.
And then the guy who was supposed to get it was the guy who lost to Bush.
So it was John McCain.
And there was the guy who lost to McCain, and it was Mitt Romney.
So, you know, there are a lot of reasons.
Yeah, yes.
Which I'm sure Chris Christie will, too.
Well, except he won't.
I don't think he'll be running away from the moderation.
He'll be sauntering away from the moderation.
Also, you know, traditionally in the past, like, whoever the vice presidential candidate is, is usually considered a very strong contender the next time around.
Whether like Musky was considered a front runner when he ran and Mondale.
But Paul Ryan just seems like he has none of that cachet, you know, and certainly Sarah Palin before him.
You know, that spot of vice president on a national ticket used to be the thing that could launch you to the presidential nomination next time around if you didn't win.
But that doesn't seem to be the case with the Republicans.
No, the last Republican vice presidential candidates, Dick Cheney, Sarah Palin, Paul Ryan.
Right.
That's some great decision-making.
How about and then before that, Dan Quayle?
Okay, well, here's a vintage phone call.
Our first phone call ever from Chris Christie when he got in trouble for taking a state-funded helicopter to his son's soccer game.
Hey, Jimmy Door, this is covering Chris Christie of New Jersey.
A little birdie told me that you were busting my fingers to got so taking a helicopter to a soccer game.
Let me explain something to you.
Well, you're going to let the governor of New Jersey.
You were allowed a certain amount of perks.
Just because I take advantage of these perks does not mean I'm different than anyone else.
I'm talking about certain specific perks, like a helicopter that could take you to soccer games.
I know.
Certain people want me to apologize for it.
Let me tell you something.
I'm not in the business of apologizing to anybody about anything.
Do you understand me?
I'm going to apologize.
I don't go and say I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm not the governor of Delaware.
I'm the governor of Canta, New Jersey.
I'm not in that business.
I'm in the business of busting unions and balancing the budget on the backs of the working class and eating funnel cakes.
That's my business.
Eating funnel cakes and canoles and spastify you.
And yeah.
I'll take whatever I find on the beach and stick out of my fat face.
How about that, Jimmy Doe?
And I'll take my helicopter, my helicopter.
How about that?
I'll stick the helicopter in my fat goddamn bug owned face.
I'll eat all of it.
Let me tell you something else about helicopters, Jimmy Doe.
Those blades are really sharp that spin around.
Be a shame if somebody's had that caught up in there.
I don't think they can sew that back together.
Now listen to me.
I don't want to hear any more about you busting my balls.
I'm going to come over there to pass a day to California and give you the Osama bin Laden treatment.
And by that, I mean I'm going to eat you.
The government's still, they are very shy about admitting how they kill Osama bin Laden.
That's why they didn't release the pictures.
I was sent over there as part of a crack team of a bunch of fat politicians caught up Osama bin Laden's bunker and tore him limb from limb and ate his body and then I shed out into the Indian Ocean.
Okay, you want to know the real reason why I took the helicopter?
Because it's hilarious.
Get a sense of humor, will you?
I mean, I'm slashing budgets, subcontinent title bits.
I'm busting union slashing benches and I'm taking a helicopter that game.
Eh?
Plus, what's funny that I had a guy a fat guy in a helicopter?
I mean, those blades, they were crying.
They were crying like the guy at the other saving private Ryan trying to get me out of that place.
I'm a big fat piece of shit.
What I'm telling you, Jimmy.
I take a helicopter everywhere.
Trust me.
I'm a half a sandwich from having to take a Harriet jet to anywhere I want to go.
So be happy it's just a helicopter.
I care about three things: America.
People not having jobs.
And snickadoodle.
Okay, we're up against a break.
This is the Jimmy Doer show on Pacifica.
We'll be back in one minute.
Hello to all the podcast listeners.
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All right, let's get back to the second half of the show.
Hi, welcome back to the Jimmy Doer show.
I'm joined by Frank Conner from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and from Turk Classic Movies.
It's Ben Mankowitz, plus hilarious comedian Robert Yasamura and the host of comedy and everything else.
It's Steph Zamarano, our resident Latina.
Coming up, we're going to talk about the 60 Minutes report on Wall Street plus vintage phone calls this half hour from Bill O'Reilly and a lot lot more.
Right now, let's get back to the studio where we're talking about 60 pieces.
So I don't know if you saw 60 Minutes the other day or this week, but they had on Michael Lewis.
The guy who wrote that book.
Yeah, Michael Lewis, who wrote Moneyball and wrote the big short.
Which is the reason why I'm an A's fan.
It's Moneyball.
Because of Moneyball.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah, they're the right team to root for in America.
Okay, so what's his name?
Michael Lewis.
Blindside.
He wrote that too?
He's called the book.
Yeah, he wrote the book, yeah.
Really?
Oh, okay.
That's one of the worst movies I've ever seen.
Okay, so I don't know if you saw 60 Minutes this week, but they had on Michael Lewis.
And he's written a book about Wall Street.
And guess what he has to say?
What's the headline here?
Stock markets rigged.
The United States stock market, the most iconic market in global capitalism, is rigged.
By whom?
By a combination of the stock exchanges, the big Wall Street banks, and high-frequency traders.
Who are the victims?
Everybody who has an investment in the stock market.
Okay, now, is that a segment from VH1's I Love the 2007s?
Because get my time machine, and let's go back to a decade when this was news, okay?
Because seven years after the American taxpayer bailed out the banks at a cost of over $10 trillion, the folks at 60 Minutes, their journalistic instinct started telling them that maybe this system was fixed.
Hey, this week, the other story, the other story they did at 60 Minutes, Y2K, it wasn't that bad.
That's their new story.
But aren't you glad that they're doing it?
I mean, no, no, it's good.
Of course, I'm teasing, but you know, 60 Minutes has fallen off so bad.
I mean, online gambling has more regulation than Wall Street's computer gambling does now, right?
That's actually true.
You can't use your credit card to put money on those online accounts.
You know, I was glad, like what you were saying, that they were interviewing him and having that on.
But it still didn't make, it didn't seem like it was big news anywhere.
What was that was disturbing?
I agree.
I agree.
So here's how it actually works.
Here's a little bit of a longer version.
And here's what he was saying and how it actually works.
If it wasn't complicated, it wouldn't be allowed to happen.
The complexity disguises what is happening.
If it's so complicated, you can't understand it, then you can't question it.
And this is all being done by computers, all being done by computers.
It's too fast to be done by humans.
Humans have been completely removed from the marketplace.
Fast is the opposite.
Yes, see, because if they replaced 60-minute reporters with computers, maybe they'd figure out what's happening even faster.
I'd have to call my broker at How 9000.
I got that one.
So basically, what he's telling us about this new thing that they've invented actually since 2007 is that they can tell what you want to buy.
If you want to buy a stock of General Electric, they somehow, those traders with their computers, they have logarithms.
They know that you want to buy it.
So what they do is they buy it right a split second before you and sell it back to you at a little bit of a higher price.
So they're making money with no risk.
And they do it, and they do it 10, even if they make two cents, they're doing it 10 trillion times a year.
Right.
And that turns into real money.
Yes.
Yes.
And these Wall Street banks get $65 billion every month of our money from the Federal Reserve to play with because that's how you cure gambling addictions.
Give them more money.
Oh, and by the way, all the exchanges have skin in the game because that's their business model is they're getting rent from these high-frequency traders.
Yes.
So it is in their best interest to leave them in place where all of their actual investors who actually trade on the market are getting screwed.
And there's probably some fraud in there.
Like a courageous prosecutor probably could get people on this, which, of course...
So things that are criminal, they now have changed the laws to make them not criminal or not punishable.
They're still criminal.
That doesn't make that what you're doing.
You know, just because it's not illegal doesn't mean it's not criminal.
Also, what they're doing is criminal.
And if a firm says in this year, just on this type of trade, we're going to make $29 billion.
And then if they come after us, maybe we pay $500 million.
We pay a fine.
We're fine.
Right.
We pay a fine.
Maybe even pay a billion dollars and we only make $21 million.
Yes, which is what J.P. Morgan's been doing.
Jamie Dimon, he doesn't care.
We'll just pay the fine.
He just paid $11 billion fine, right?
He doesn't care.
Who can pay an $11 billion fine?
$1 billion.
What kind of a $11 billion?
That was like, remember, you played that segment of Maria Bartoloma.
Yes.
And that was her whole point, was that if he can afford to pay an $11 billion fine, it just proves how great he is.
Because he makes so much money.
Yes, that's your point.
And you Can't question someone who makes that much money.
They're free from all moral judgment.
I actually think Jamie Diamond, and by the way, I think Jamie Diamond's a huge scumbag.
Yes.
But I thought he got vilified for that inappropriately because the reason why he paid that money was because when JP Morgan bought, what was it, Bear Searns?
Or they bought a major asset that was failing.
They knew they were going to get hit with fines.
And so he put that money aside because he was buying those fines, essentially.
He was buying a company that was going to get fines levied against him.
Yeah, it's actually the fact that they paid $11 billion fine is the least compelling piece of Jamie Diamond scuzzball information there is.
Right.
It's just something you can point to.
But he actually put aside $25 billion.
He put that money aside based on that old expression: save for a rainy day when you ruin the economy.
So here's a little bit more.
Just give you a little credit.
Go ahead.
So you'll like this.
Because essentially, that's your point: is that you just, if you're, and why, Maria, whatever.
Yeah, because if you're rich, you're awesome, and we don't care how you got rich.
You must be awesome by the nature of your richness.
If your father gave you $400 million and you now have $230 million, you're still awesome.
You're still awesome.
You're still awesome.
The rich are awesome and to be celebrated no matter what.
And by the way, Maria Bartaromo failing up.
She just got a new gig at Fox.
And she will continue to fail up as long as she repeats whatever they want her to say, which is what's exactly what she does.
I'm shocked that Maria Bartaromo's at Fox.
That seemed like such a big stretch.
Such a big stretch for her.
She's such journalistic and hungry.
And Howard Kurtz is there too, I guess.
Oh, such journalistic and stunting.
Media watchdog, Howard Kurtz.
Yeah.
Which is covered in the new book coming out this July.
Your country's just not that into you.
We cover Howard Kurtz.
Machines with secrets.
I'm sorry.
I accidentally pressed that.
So here, there's a little bit more to this report.
Let's listen to 60 Minutes.
Liquid programs are now trading stocks in tiny fractions of a second, way too fast to be seen or recorded on a stock ticker or computer screen, faster than the market itself.
High-frequency traders, big Wall Street firms, and stock exchanges have spent billions to gain an advantage of a millisecond for themselves and their customers just to get a peek at stock market prices and orders a flash before everyone else, along with the opportunity to act on it.
The insiders are able to move faster than you.
They're able to see your order and play it against other orders in ways you don't understand.
They are able to frontrun your order.
What do you mean front run?
It means they're able to identify your desire to buy shares in Microsoft and buy them in front of you and sell them back to you at a higher price.
It all happens in infinitesimally small periods of time.
The speed advantage that the faster traders have is milliseconds.
Sometimes fractions of milliseconds.
But it's enough for them to identify what you're going to do and do it before you do it at your expense.
So it drives the price up.
So it drives the price up.
And in turn, you pay a higher price.
Michael.
Okay, so there you go.
And so those guys have, although they rigged the literally rigged the system, there's no risk on their phone.
They're making billions of dollars in this criminal way, and they still crash the economy.
They're like Gene Wilder and the producers.
They make more money if the economy crashes again.
Because there's no incentive for anything other than to do this.
Yes.
There's no, and I realize it's, by the way, they can't have a fraction of a millisecond because a millisecond is a fraction.
Point that out.
Michael Lewis is an idiot.
You can have a fraction of a fraction.
Well, you can, but it's still, but there's no point in point.
There's a fraction.
They're all fractions.
It's a little redundant.
It's a little redundant.
He's an idiot, okay?
And I think I've proven my point.
But that is, whether it's milliseconds or weeks, that's insider trading.
Yes.
Like they have, that is literally what insider trading is.
They have inside information.
And you don't have funding, which is illegal.
But if you do it quick enough, if you do it this way, it's not.
The regulations have not caught up to it, and the chances are they won't.
Thank God Martha Stewart went to prison.
Oh, we got her.
Yeah, we got her.
This is going to sound really harsh, but I hope those computers are arrested and raped in prison.
Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!
*music* Thank you.
Okay, today is vintage phone call day on the Jimmy Door show.
And we're going to, in honor of Arnold Schwarzenegger's new movie coming out, we're going to go ahead and play the first time Arnold Schwarzenegger ever called into this Jimmy Dore show.
And he did it because, you know, he got caught having a love child with his maid.
And he called in to clear it up.
Hello, Jimmy Door.
This is Arish Schwarzenegger.
Yeah.
Listen to me.
Everyone talks about my history of dropping women.
I've been very upfront about my history of dropping women, I've admitted.
But one time, 10 years ago, I groped the lady so hard that it's made of baby.
It was a miracle.
I am discovering new ways of making human lives that should be destroyed.
Nobody's talking about it.
Goodbye.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Thank you.
So all politicians are liars.
We know that.
It's part that goes with the part of the thing, and that's why there's supposed to be a fourth estate that calls them out on it, but there isn't one anymore because the liars bought the fourth estate.
So now everybody's equal and all things are the same.
And so it's the politicians lying have gone off the rails to the point where Democrats are now Republicans and Republicans are now completely Orwellian, right?
So it's to the point where even Chris Hayes, when he had on a Republican from RedState.com and asked him this question about the rampant lying that happens not only from Republicans, but intra-Republican lying.
And here's what happened.
Everybody lies to you.
There's a whole cottage industry before the election to tell you you're winning an election.
They're losing.
They tell you your ideas are popular when they are not.
They tell you your party is winning when it is not.
They tell you the president is losing this and he looks terrible because people are storming the World War II world.
At what point do grassroots conservatives stop allowing their leadership to lie to them?
Well, I think that you have to keep in mind the leadership lies to themselves as well.
They lie to them.
So he's okay with it.
So as long as they're lying to each other, grassroots conservatives are not going to demand that they stop lying to them.
Okay, so that was really, that really just happened.
That happened on Chris Hayes.
And so the lying is so bad, everyone just admits it's happening, except the news people won't call them out.
And now, whether they're lying to you or to themselves on any given occasion is unclear, but they're lying.
And why?
Well, because their policies don't stand up to any critical analysis in light of reality.
So the solution is to simply lie about the underlying reality of things.
We don't want to regulate carbon emissions.
Fine.
Just deny that climate change is real.
We don't want to tax the rich.
Fine.
Just pretend trickle-down economics works.
But no single issue has attracted more lying than the Affordable Care Act or Obamacare.
From its very beginning, the death panels through its, it's a job killer, right up till today, because this week was the end of open enrollment for the ACA, and the numbers released have hit or beaten projections.
Most importantly, 7.1 million new insurance policies opened up, either through the expansion of Medicare, the state and federal exchanges, or just on the open market.
So far, the program's pretty successful.
And cue the lying.
What we do know is that all across the country, our constituents are having an unpleasant interaction with Obamacare.
Whether they can sign up for a policy or not, what they're discovering is, of course, higher premiums, higher deductibles.
Many of them are losing their jobs.
And so it is really a catastrophe for the country.
Yes, yes.
We do know.
Yes, we've done those.
See those anecdotes that he's telling us about people all across.
They're not even anecdotes.
Anecdotes will at least identify one person at a name.
Yes, these are just what I'm hearing through the grapevine.
The problem is, is when you identify one person and a name, which they've done in the past, when people have investigated, it turned out that what they were saying wasn't true about how Obamacare was screwing up.
Yes, this is true.
So every time the conservative right-wing media puts forth another person who claims to be being dropped coverage because of Obamacare, it turns out it's complete falsehood.
It's a complete lie.
Right.
Or they could get a better, cheaper rate somewhere else.
And also, of course, one thing he is right about in some cases, in general, are rising premiums, which would not happen if we put in a public option.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, right.
But guess what?
Premiums have been rising forever.
That's true.
That's true.
But we could have put a great cap on it.
Yes.
No, no, I'm saying that people are upset that premiums are still rising.
Yeah, they're still, they're right.
Yes.
Obamacare was not to stop the rising premiums.
It was so everyone could go see a doctor when they got sick.
Yes, that's exactly right.
Although it would have been nice, again, if it could have stopped rising premiums, but they made the deal with the Ben, you're preaching to the choir.
No, I know I am.
You know, we all know the real solution to health care is Medicare for all, and we all know that.
So, but here we are.
So here's John Boehner.
So why did they keep lying?
They just keep lying.
And they just keep lying because eventually it'll be true.
And down the hall from Mitch McConnell, here was John Boehner.
Here's what he had to say.
You know, he hasn't put enough loopholes into the law already.
The administration is now resorting to an honor system to enforce it.
The hell is this?
A joke?
The dates are the dates.
And the law is the law.
The president doesn't have the ability to just change the law whenever he wants.
Actually, he does, especially when it comes to this law, seeing as it's administered by the executive branch.
But a way to make it sound like he's a power-hungry criminal, John Boehner.
I appreciate that.
And the loopholes in the ACA, those were to appease a-hole Republicans like you, you D-bag.
But I guess when you have nothing real to complain about, you attack everything and you hope that no one notices.
Like a crazy person.
Speaking of crazy people, here's Wyoming Senator John Barrasso.
When asked what he thought about the 6 million people that had signed up so far, he said this.
It means anything, Chris.
I think they're cooking the books on this.
Yes, that's right.
While most Democrats are scared of calling anyone a liar, Captain Testicles over here just accused the President of the United States of a full-blown felony.
He says they're cooking the books.
So why all the lying on the ACA?
Because they're married to it for a green card.
That's why.
Since 2009, Republicans have hinged their entire position on the evils of the Affordable Care Act.
And every time they could have pivoted away from the issue, they doubled down instead.
So now they're scared that telling the truth will kill them.
And though it should, it won't.
Because of gerrymandered districts, voter disenfranchisement, and just stupid Americans, the Republicans are going to do just fine in the midterms.
So that's what's been going on with Obamacare.
Just non-stop lying.
And of course, the press plays it down the middle, just like Brian Williams says you should, plays it right down the middle.
We tell you what the Republicans are lying about, and then we tell you what the Democrats are saying.
Okay, so here is the thing.
Chris Hayes thought that he could have a legitimate discussion with a Republican about health care.
So when Barack Obama extended the timeframe for when you could sign up for health care, he extended it, they went crazy.
How dare you extend a timeframe for people to sign up for health care that will save their lives?
How dare you do that?
Why are you doing you're breaking the law to help people?
Well, it goes against Republican philosophy of expanding a timeframe because they want to limit timeframes as in voting.
They want to give people less time to vote.
Yes, of course.
So I was watching Chris Hayes, and he brings on this woman who's the head of the American Union.
No, it's Americans for Prosperity.
And she's the director of the Pennsylvania division of it.
And so Chris Hayes.
By the way, I just want to say I'm really glad there's a group called Americans for Prosperity.
There's so many Americans that I know are against prosperity.
They don't like the idea of prosperity.
So I'm glad someone's speaking out on behalf of them.
They filled a void.
Had to be done.
You know, I just think the thing that just strikes me is so strange is that they're upset about an extension that on your honor, you can go back.
If you started the form on Monday or whatever, they're like, I don't think Americans should have that right or privilege.
So let's listen.
You're right.
So let's listen to Chris Hayes try to get here.
He thought he was going to get a straight answer from a Republican about what exactly outrages them about extending the cutoff date to sign up for Obamacare.
And I guess he thought she would speak rationally and candidly, which goes to show you that the one thing they're not sure of over at MSNBC is naivete.
We call it a place called hope.
Yeah, okay.
So here's, we'll start off a little bit.
Here he asked the question.
Well, actually, Chris, the thing I wake up about upwake.
He asks, I'm sorry, the question he asked her was: what is it about extending this health care law that bothers you.
And she says.
Actually, Chris, the thing I wake up, wake up about and think about every morning is my children.
And I think people should care about the deadline for the same reason that I wake up and millions of women, actually, 85 million across 85 million women across the country wake up and think about their children as well.
That's how many mothers we have because we really are having our choices removed from us as mothers and the health care that we can provide our children.
And so the extension of the deadline.
Why?
Because the president lied to us.
The president promised us, and a lot of women who voted for him, a lot of who didn't.
Wait a second, wait a second, he promised.
No, no, no.
Let me finish with you.
Answer this question first, though.
Why does extending a deadline for two weeks take away the choices you have for your children?
Explain it.
Because it continues to not allow people to go back and change this law.
This law has made 7 million people lose their own.
Okay, that's hilarious.
Yeah, that's how the president is lying.
Because it doesn't allow people to go back and get rid of this law that he's extending the thing.
So you just said, no, I'm not going to make any sense, but I'm going to say it very indignantly, Chris.
It gets worse.
This is mothers and children and lies.
Mothers and children and mothers and children and president.
Do you think there's 85 million women that wake up every morning thinking about their children?
Some of them wake up in the afternoon super drunk.
So here she goes on.
Their insurance.
For the people who have actually signed up on the exchange, the McKinsey Institute, which is a consulting group that tracks these things nonpartisan, has found only 14% of them are actually people without coverage.
People without health care right now who don't have health care for their children don't want this law.
So she hasn't answered the question, of course.
And here we are.
It's not helping them.
That is true.
They're not signing up.
And as a mother, I take real offense.
Women are being forced to have no choice.
Chris Hayes, like, what are you talking about?
You couldn't get health care for your child who you claim to love before.
Now you can.
What choice have you lost?
The choice not to cover your child?
The choice for your child to get meningitis and to go untreated and for him to lapse into a coma.
You've lost that choice.
What are you talking about?
85 million?
Yeah, I wake up every morning.
What are you talking about?
By the way, I have a new daughter.
I wake up.
Go ahead, Frank.
Sorry.
Well, I was just going to say, I think she's mad because Obamacare doesn't cover her kids' condition, which is their desire to kill themselves.
Be clear, mother.
Yeah.
*music*
Okay, we have another vintage phone call for you that fits in with the topic of Obamacare.
We're going to go all the way back to January of this year for Peter King talking about Obamacare.
Obamacare is there's another group.
There's some nuns in Colorado, Colorado, who don't want to abide by the contraception thing in the Obama.
Brother.
Yeah, yeah.
So God.
The Justice Sonia Sotomayor.
Sotomayor.
Soda Mayor.
That one.
She granted the stay to them.
Yeah.
Yes, she did.
Yeah.
So she actually, so they filed a suit, and Justice Soda Mayor, which I call, I'm from the Midwest, so I call her Pop Mayor.
Some people say Soda.
And so Pop Mayor granted them to stay.
But here's the thing.
This is all, again, another BS thing because the nuns are a non-profit.
And nuns, they can opt out of the insurance requirement.
All they have to do is just sign a thing and they're out of it.
And they don't want to do that because when they do that, that means that a third party will now provide contraception to the people who work for their organization.
And they don't want to do that.
So they want anybody to be having any kind of contraception that has anything to do with them.
So progressive.
Very progressive.
Okay, so Peter Pill, so Peter King.
I'm going to call him up because I know he's been upset about it.
And let me see.
But Representative King, are you there?
Hello, Representative Peter.
I got to fucking clean up all these people garbage.
Hello, Peter.
Hello, Peter.
Jimmy and Jimmy, these are Representative Peter King here.
Two years, Chris, listen to me.
You hear this thing about this lawsuit nut thing?
Holy crap.
Yes, I. These friggin' Colorado nuns are trying to get an exemption from Obamacare.
They don't want to give them goddamn fucking birth control.
How much fuck are these nuns doing?
I'm begging you.
Tell me.
Peter, it's not the nuns that are doing the fucking.
They're worried about the people who work for them doing the fucking.
That's what they're worried.
Okay.
Okay.
They're talking about the people who work for the nuns.
You know, still, come on.
It's a fucking split heads.
But they, but it's the people that work for you.
Trust me.
If you're some girly working for nuns, you're not seeking an acre of cocks, okay?
Did you just say that the girls who work for the nuns are not seeking an acre of cocks?
On the other hand, James, the Justice Department is going up against nuns.
Holy chunky shit, Batman.
I know nuns are crazy, right?
Nuns will fuck you up.
Yeah, I know.
I went to Catholic school.
I got a lot of the corporal punishment from them.
Trust me, I've been there.
They'll beat you with a ruler and send you the principal from molested just for talking in class there.
Yes, they'll send you to get molested for talking in class.
Listen, what's God knows what they'll do to someone who offers them a discount on a diaphragm?
You know what I'm saying?
The nuns know that they're going to heaven no matter what.
No matter what horrors they commit in this life in the name of the Lord.
Yes, they are going to heaven.
Did you know most nuns go out and fight crime at night?
No.
It's true, my friend.
No.
Colorado nuns.
I mean, who friggin knows?
They probably got those, you know, outdoor survival type skills.
Just a bunch of penguin women squatting in a bush waiting to kill you for masturbating on the Sabbath.
What is she talking about?
A bunch of penguin women waiting in the woods, waiting to kill you for masturbating on the Sabbath.
This is what you're saying to me, Dad.
Yeah, picture that.
I try to recreationally poke your wife.
I dare you.
I fucking dare you.
Okay, I will read it.
Okay.
Okay, I'll try to read it.
Peter King has said what Peter King wanted to say.
Okay, thank you, Representative.
Karen Cobra.
Okay, that was Peter King.
That's it for this week.
Thanks for listening.
Today's show was written by Robert Yasamura, Mark Van Landuet, Frank Connip, Steph Zamarano, and Mike McRae.
And Mike McCrae did all the voices today who can be found at mikemcray.com.
Except, guess what?
Sheldon Adelson at the top of the show was voiced by the hilarious Robert Yasamura.
Okay, that's it for this week.
We'll see you May 1st at the Troubadour, huh?
At the Troubadour on Santa Monica Boulevard, May 1st.
We're doing the big show with Ben Mankiewicz and Jenk Uger and Anna Kasperian.
We're going to be live at the Troubadour.
So we'll see you there.
There'll be links for tickets over at jimmydoorcomedy.com.
Big thanks to Sean James, who donates his time and talent to make sure the show gets done on my Macintosh.
And he can fix your Macintosh right over the internet.
Give him a call.
It's Sean James at 347-695-0601 or MacHelp at SeanJames.com.
Okay, that's it.
I'll see you this.
I'll see you in a couple days on the premium.
And until everybody else, I will see you next week.
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