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March 29, 2014 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Before we get to the show, I want to let everybody in Cincinnati know I'm going to be there at GoBananas Comedy Club April 3 through 6.
Go to jimmydoorcomedy.com for more info and links for tickets.
Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore show.
So Chris Christie did a great job.
He released his, they did an investigation.
Chris Christie hired his own law firm that he's connected to to investigate him and find out if he's guilty of something.
That's really nice.
Trick he pulled off.
He said there was only one way that the check was going to clear.
Turns out he didn't do anything.
He didn't do nothing, right?
So years ago, when he was accused of overeating, he had Dom DeLouise investigated.
Ah, very nice.
Well, I'm going to see if I can get him on the phone here.
Hello, Governor.
Governor?
We are the champions, my friend.
No time for loses.
Governor Christie?
Jimmy, did you hear?
I didn't do nothing.
I was sure I did something, but it turns out I didn't do nothing.
Oh, you're talking about the internal investigation of the George Washington bridge scandal, which cleared you of all wrongdoing.
Yeah, turns out there's not a save at all.
So all the state and federal investigators could go home now.
Turns out it's not.
So you can go do something else now.
Bye-bye.
Governor, they're obviously not going to do that.
Why won't they go away?
I want to be president, and this is making it hard.
Well, maybe the reason they won't go away is that they don't trust the independence of this investigation.
What's that to trust?
Who exactly conducted this independent investigation?
That was Frankie Two-Tone, his brother Steak Paul, and Jimmy Bag of Donuts.
And did you maybe go to high school with these guys?
What?
Maybe.
I don't know.
I mean, I was pretty busy at high school playing football and figure blasted cheelets and whatnot.
Run on.
Could you maybe see where people don't trust the investigation you commissioned?
I didn't pay for it, though.
The taxpayers of New Jersey paid a million dollars for it.
So, you know, these guys don't owe me nothing.
Governor, that doesn't help.
Shut up.
And even if there wasn't that appearance of impartiality, your investigation didn't even speak to British Kelly, Bill Steppian, or David Wildstein.
Who?
What do you mean who?
I don't know who these people are that you just said.
Governor, come on.
Oh, those might be the people who now live in the cornfield.
The cornfield?
Yes.
That is the place where people go when I will have out of existence.
Is it that of a Twilight Zone episode?
Perhaps.
Or perhaps that episode is based on my life.
Supposed to say.
I don't.
Look, Governor.
Pasta, Pasta, Pasta, Pasta, Pasta, Pasta.
I don't think this is going to go away anytime soon.
Oh, come on.
Not the bridge scandal.
Come on.
Not the Sandy Relief scandal.
None of it.
And what about all the other terrible things I've done?
I wouldn't be surprised if that stuff came out as well.
Oh, man.
I mean, the sneak eating alone.
All the bakers I keep under my bed.
I'm just saying, Governor, the cover-up is always worse than the scandal itself.
You know who says shit like that?
People who don't know how to cover shit up.
I don't recall the guys who clip Jimmy Hoff ever say that.
Hey, maybe you just want to get out in front of all this.
Just cop to whatever went down and don't make it worse.
But then I won't be president, a governor, or probably a free citizen.
No one goes away in the Republican Party anymore, Governor.
You'll get to be on Fox News.
I'd rather go to jail forever.
Okay, well, there'll be books and speaking and sitting on boards.
And in a few years, you'll be a multi-billionaire and you can run for office again.
Jimmy, what you're saying makes sense, but I reject it nonetheless.
This is where I make my stand.
In my office, what a case of weapons, a complete brunch buffet.
Okay, Governor.
You know, the secret to the buffet, Jimmy, is don't eat the shit at the front of the lot.
They keep the shrimps and steaks and good stuff right there.
I'm not alive.
If you're in office, can't you just...
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to hurry before they run out of Vienna weenies.
Okay.
Mr. Fold, you'll help me, won't you?
I hate myself, but I love you so much, Mr. Paul Crystal.
I hate myself, Mr. Paul Crystal.
Get on the plate, stay there.
I eat you.
Get on there.
Stay on the plate.
I eat you too.
Get on dip.
Get up.
Bop.
Dang it, kick it.
Wait, is it still on?
Yeah.
So, Chris Christie.
I don't care.
What's the next sketch?
What's the next sketch?
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
Up-minded, lowly-lovered lefties.
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It starts talking to T. And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore!
It's Jimmy Dore!
Hey, everybody, welcome to this week's show.
I am joined on the phone from New York City and Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's TV's Frank Frank Conniff.
Hi, Frank.
How are you?
Hello there.
Yay.
Yay, it's good to hear your voice, buddy.
Next to me, hilarious comedian, the host of the Reuben Report on the Young Turks Network, which guest was Larry King this week.
You're featured on BuzzFeed.
You're big.
You're happening.
Everything's happening.
It's Dave Rubin, everybody.
Jimmy, they say when it rains, it pours.
And I'm getting a little rain at the moment.
It'll last probably till the end of the day.
That's very nice.
Okay.
That's the slogan of the new NOAA movie.
Across the glass from me, hilarious comedian host of Comedy and Everything Else.
It's our resident Latina.
It's Steph Zemarano.
Hi, Steph.
How are you?
I'm doing great.
I'm a proud member of my union.
Yes, I love to hear you say that.
All right, let's get to the jokes before we get to the jokes.
Hey, by the way, before I came in there, I just saw breaking news.
It said that the missing plane wreckage has been spotted, so it really sucks that no missing plane wreckage has been spotted.
Get it?
You get it, right?
Look at Gilbert even laughed at that one.
I guess I know it's good.
You know that CNN last night was breaking news to say that there was no breaking news.
Which basically is your joke, and I'm just repeating it.
But I mean, people really need to understand that the breaking news Chiron has no meaning anymore whatsoever.
It's really ruined.
Terrible.
You know, there was a time that every time I saw breaking news, I got anxiety because I was so worried that I might know somebody on it.
You mean like got a car chase?
Yeah, a car chase or something, and that has nothing to do with me being Mexican.
Okay.
By the way, I was watching TV last night and I was like, oh my God, great, that movie Network is on again.
But it turned out it was just a psychic talking about the missing plane on CNN.
See, because they all see crazy.
That's the whole thing.
That's a great joke.
That's a great reference.
That's a great thing written by Frank Connoff.
Hey, you know what?
Easter's coming up.
We're in Lent right now.
I'm a lapsed Catholic.
Frank, you're a lapsed Catholic, right?
Indeed.
Yes.
And did you know, you know why candy is such a big part of Easter?
It's because the crucifixion of Jesus was death by chocolate.
Right?
Am I right?
Come on.
Look at that.
Can we get a rim shot around here?
Is this a radio show?
What?
Something?
Hey, I heard that movie Nymphomaniac is the first movie in a long time that Travis Bickel would feel comfortable taking a date to.
Travis Bickel.
Wait, that completely went over my head.
It did mine too.
Taxi driver.
Ah.
And then taxi driver, if I can explain it.
Okay, wait.
Can you say the joke again?
He took Cyril Shepherd to a porn movie as a date.
See?
There you go.
Wait, hold on.
Now that I get the reference, would you like to do the joke again?
And let's do the joke.
And I get it so we can appropriately hear it.
See, I heard Nymphomaniac is the first movie in a long time that Travis Bickel would feel comfortable taking a date to.
No, I still didn't get it, even though I get that it's a terrible thing.
Yeah, even though I explained it to you, still didn't get your phony bone.
When I was a kid, they had Carl Sagan did a show called Cosmos.
You remember that, right?
And now there's a new version of Cosmos with Michael Sumbathan.
His name is something Mike David.
Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Is that it?
Neil deGrasse Tyson?
Okay, there we go.
You're thinking of Mike Tyson.
I was thinking of Mike Tyson.
He's also a very famous planetarian.
Brilliant guy.
What do you call those people?
Physicists?
No, they're maybe.
Yeah.
You think he's a planetarium?
What are the people who study the planets called Frank?
Astrologers?
Astrologers, right?
No.
No.
Not astrologers.
Astronomer.
I was going to say rapist.
We all.
No, no, no, no.
So, anyway, so the new show's on, the new Cosmos.
Astronomers.
I think that's astronomists.
There you go.
Astronomers, astronomists.
And, well, the right wing is now complaining about the new show, Cosmos.
They say it ignores creationism.
And also, they're pissed off that the Sarah McLaughlin Animal Cruelty ads never show an abused unicorn.
No, Jimmy, I know a lot about astronomy because I used to watch A Dream of Genie.
That's where you get your good knowledge, Frank.
Daytime television reruns.
Hey, by the way, Chris Christie's investigation.
I just want to say it came to a close today.
They released it that thanks to Chris Christie's investigation of the Chris Christie scandal.
Turns out Chris Christie has been vindicated by Chris Christie.
So isn't that nice?
Justice in America.
Once again.
Closed.
Case closed.
And as long as it's a case of doughnuts for that.
Hey, thanks, Jim.
But, you know, I'd feel better.
By the way, the Hobby Lobby case went to the Supreme Court this week.
The Hobby Lobby case, of course, is the Hobby Lobby.
They don't want to say they don't want to give birth control to their employees, right?
Because on the religious grounds, because apparently now corporations go to church.
I didn't know that.
I've never seen a corporation in church when I'm there.
They'll take up two seats.
They'd say, sure, they get it.
Yeah.
I don't know where they park in the parking lots.
I'll key their corporation if I see it in the parking lot.
I'll tell you that.
But I say, you know, thanks.
I feel better when I go to the hobby lobby.
I feel better knowing that the woman I'm buying scrapbooking supplies from has no access to reproductive health care.
Don't you?
Did you listen to the oral arguments?
Watch your mouth.
No kidding.
No, no, no.
I'm waiting for the anal ones.
Cabow.
We were on the same page.
It was right there.
It was right there.
We were doing it.
Okay, so.
That show kind of sneaks up from behind.
Wow.
Nice.
Working together.
You know, Hobby Lobby is great service.
If you say to the clerk, I'd like to speak to the manager, he's right there in her vagina.
That's funny.
Isn't that nice?
And by the way, Obamacare, a registered 6 million person signed up for Obamacare this week.
And I got to admit, Obamacare has its flaws.
While the GOP health plan of absolutely nothing whatsoever is perfect in its own way.
All right.
What's coming up on today's show?
We're going to have David Gregory actually asks a tough question.
It gets ignored.
He lets it go.
Bill O'Reilly's got a problem with race hustlers.
We're going to find out what that means exactly.
Plus, Daryl Issa, is he the biggest liar ever or is it just a cartoon?
We're going to check it out.
Plus, we got phone calls today from Chris Christie, Bill O'Reilly, and the most offended listener calls in, plus Peter King and a lot, lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
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So I think last week we covered Paul Ryan's speech about the inner city poor, where he referenced Charles Murray's book about the bell curve, which is a racist scream that should be flushed down the toilet, which should be flushed out of the toilet.
I brought my sound effects.
I thought he was just taking a dump.
Thank you.
Thank you.
He's also our sound effects guy.
So, yes, that really happened.
And he said the things about, he used the code words, the inner city.
Bill O'Reilly went on Bill O'Reilly's show.
And Bill O'Reilly was upset with the backlash because people came out against Paul Ryan.
What he was doing was what they call race baiting, right?
So he was saying the problem with poverty America is that poor black people are too lazy to work, right?
Because we've got warehouses full of jobs waiting for them, right?
Even though we're still in a biggest unemployment, right?
There's three people for every job available.
There's three people applying, right?
So even though that, but the real problem with poverty, the real problem with Detroit, well, if you look, talk to George Will, he'll tell you it's single mothers, right?
So apparently the problem with Detroit is there's a bunch of Bristol Palins living there.
Right.
So if you talk to Bill O'Reilly or you've talked to Paul Ryan, he'll tell you that he knows what's wrong with the inner city because he sees it on his way from his suburban house in his SUV when he drives down to the sports arena.
You mean he sees it when he gets driven.
Yeah, when he gets driven.
So he sees it.
You know, Jimmy, I live in New York now, which is kind of an urban area, supposedly.
And I just go outside and I never see a black person who has a job ever.
Ever.
Any business, anywhere I go, they're all too lazy to work.
You never see them in an office building or behind the counter anywhere.
No, Frank Barack Obama never got a job.
He never had a real worker.
He was from the inner city of Hawaii.
Of Hawaii.
And then he went to the inner city of Eagle Rock, California, an Occidental College, and then the inner city of Harvard.
So anyway, so here we go.
Paul Ryan caught some backlash from him.
People rightfully called him out.
We called him out on this show because what he's doing, he's not attacking poverty.
He's not saying, here's my strategies to help erase poverty in America.
He has a strategy to help erase poor people in America.
He's against poor people.
The problem with poverty is poor people.
That's what he said.
So this ticked off Bill O'Reilly, and he's going to have some phony outrage right here because he does the reverse racism thing, right?
I'm not racist.
You're racist for saying I'm race.
Here we go.
Here we're getting to love it.
Here we go.
They don't want to solve the problem.
These race hustlers make a big living and they get voted into office by portraying their constituents as victims.
And it's all your fault and it's my fault.
It's the rich people's fault.
It's Republicans' fault.
It's everybody's fault except what's going on.
And what's going on, as you know, is a dissolution.
What's going on, Bill?
What's going on?
Could it be, I don't know, centuries of institutionalized racism and a culture of people who only got the right to vote a couple of decades ago, whose families were broken up when they were brought.
Is it that?
Could it be that people were denied?
I mean, people in Levittown, where you grew up, Bill, blacks weren't even allowed to get a FHA home loan, which is how your parents got their house, right?
They were shut out from the American dream even after they fought in World War II.
So is it that was what's wrong with the inner city?
Is that that they were they were systematically shut out from the American dream for not only centuries and decades, but up until even now there's still racism?
Is it that, Bill?
I bet it's not that.
I bet the problem has nothing to do with you or Whitey or anybody.
Let's see.
Of the family, and you don't have proper supervision of children, and they grow up with no skills, and they can't read and speak, and they have tattoos on their neck, and they can't compete in a marketplace.
And that's what's going on.
But if you say that, you're a racist.
So if not, you're a racist, you're an idiot.
Yeah, you're both.
You're just an idiot.
Yes, you're a racist, but you're an idiot.
A tattoo on your neck.
That's it.
Yeah.
Bill, you were a racist before you said that, actually.
Yes, he was a race.
I mean, it's just, as you say, you're punching the wrong way.
You're punching down.
You're mad at poor people.
You're mad at people because they don't have a father.
You're mad at people because they don't have food.
You're mad at the wrong people.
Yes.
These are not the people pulling the strings.
They're the people that are hoping for something to fall down to them.
Bill O'Reilly, once again, pissed off at the fat cats at the bottom.
Once again, he's got it.
He knows what the problem is in America, and the problem is the people with no money and no power.
That's the problem with poverty.
If we just get rid of these people with no money and no power, things will really take off.
And so he likes to do that.
And, you know, that's not just him doing the, he loves to say that race hustlers, right?
Yeah.
Because it's the closest you could come to saying the N-word, right?
Without actually saying it.
I'm sure it's pretty sweet.
But here, here's, I'll give you.
Jimmy, by the way, on Sunset Boulevard, is the race hustler store still open?
Yes, it is.
Hey, so here, Chris Hayes' show, all the way with Chris Hayes.
They put together a mashup of some of the race hustling over at Fox News.
Let's listen to it.
Oprah Winfrey and others who play the race card can't back up their statements with any facts.
Race baiters always say that conservatives speak in code, but how is it a code if you know what they're saying?
Race hustlers and the grievance industry have intimidated the so-called conversation, turning any valid criticism of African-American culture into charges of racial bias.
Okay.
I like how he says race hustler.
You could just hear the respect for the black culture just slipping off his tongue.
Now, oh, I just love the race hustler.
So why is he so obsessed with critiquing black culture?
You know what I mean?
He doesn't critique white culture, does he?
He would say he does.
You know, he would say he does, especially if they're liberals.
Ah, well, yeah.
Yeah, and it would be so wrong to accuse Fox News of being racist, especially since they have Donald Trump on their network.
He has a regular spot every week on Fox and Friends.
Oh, really?
Yes, he does.
Every Tuesday or something.
They might even call it Tuesdays with more on, but I doubt it.
They have him.
They have him every Tuesday he calls in.
And, you know, and he is a blatant racist.
He's part of the whole movement with O'Reilly and also Newt Gingrich, who has a show on CNN.
We use the phrase food stamp president.
Yes.
We said during the election that Barack Obama does not know the meaning of hard work.
You know, they have all of these things.
Yes, Juan Williams, too, by the way, he said the same stuff about Juan Williams.
And so, yeah, so Frank, but that's the problem.
So the media won't call them out.
They won't call a spade a spade, to use a phrase.
So to speak.
So to speak.
They won't be honest brokers.
They just pretend that they're not.
They let them get away with their deniability of what they're doing, right?
So like when Greg Gutfield just said in that mashup, how could it be code words if you know what the code is?
Well, that's exactly.
It gives you deniability.
You're not saying the N-word.
You're saying race hustler.
And then you're saying a bunch of really stereotyping, prejudicial stuff that isn't true, that doesn't take it.
We know what you're doing.
All right.
So I think I got Bill O'Reilly on the phone.
Hello, this is Bill O'Reilly on the Jimmy Dore Show podcast.
Okay, it's a radio shit.
It's a show, Bill.
It's not a show.
It's a podcast, not a show.
Let's point that out.
Okay, it's a show.
I've been here.
All right.
Race hustler.
Bill, stop saying that.
You know, when you say race hustler, I just told it sounds like you want to say the N-word.
In fact, you pack as much racism into that word as the N-word.
I'll tell you.
Is it like saying the N-word for you, Bill?
I know, and that's why I fucking love saying it.
Okay, Bill.
Race hustler.
All right.
Stop saying that.
Stop saying it.
It's gross.
All right.
I hate when you say it.
I'm not saying anything offensive.
I'm just saying these people in the inner cities are race hustlers.
See, you keep doing that.
The way you say it.
Well, can't you call them something else?
What else can you call them that doesn't sound like?
Backpackers.
No, that's not good.
Blackbackers.
That's not good.
Bill, Bill, can I just ask you, what did you expect?
Hold on, hold on.
First of all, don't just start in media race with Bill O'Reilly as your guest.
I think you need to take a few minutes to point out who is your guest on your show.
It's the polite thing to do.
Oh, I was going to introduce it live, but I was going to pre-record the interview.
See what I'm saying?
I was going to introduce it live.
Well, see, I didn't know that.
Okay, but you're familiar.
I don't know unless you do it live.
We'll do it live.
Oh, so Bill.
Yes.
When everyone says that President Obama looked weak.
He did look weak.
Wait, what are we talking about?
I just assumed he looked weak.
And that's why Putin went into Crimea.
Of course, that's why Putin, whoever it is, whatever the guy's name is, went into Crimea.
Because he knows Obama's not going to stop him.
He knows Obama's a capitulator and a fabricator and a prevaricator.
All words of the day on the O'Reilly calendar.
I'll give you $10 to tell you what prevaricate means.
You know what?
I'm not going to fall for this crap.
Obama's all those words.
Hey, I'm going to do something I've never done before.
I'm going to split a call in two.
So that's the first half of our Bill O'Reilly phone call.
And he's going to come back in just one minute with the second half of his phone call.
Because first, I got to thank some people.
But this is the time of the show where I thank everybody for using our Amazon.com box when they buy something from Amazon.
It's a great way to help support the show because it doesn't cost you anything and it doesn't change the way you shop at Amazon.
But the next time you want to buy something from Amazon, you go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
You click on our Amazon box on the front page.
It takes you to Amazon.
And then when you buy something, they send us money.
It's just that easy.
It doesn't cost you anything.
It doesn't change the way you shop at Amazon, but it sure does help support the show.
And you don't have to go to our website every time you buy something from Amazon.
You just do it one time.
Go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
You click on Amazon.
When it takes you to Amazon.com, you bookmark that page, and then you just use your bookmark, okay?
It's a great way to help support the show.
And I really appreciate everybody who's taking time to do that when you buy something from Amazon, okay?
All right, now let's go back to the second half.
A lot of stuff coming up.
If George Bush was president, Putin wouldn't do this.
Why?
Because George Bush.
Oh, there's no way.
Ain't no way Putin would have done that.
If George W. Bush was president, there's no way, Jimmy Doerr.
There's no way.
So what do you say?
Are you saying that George Bush would have invaded?
George Bush, he would have been George Bush.
And that would have stopped Putin from going in there.
That's what you don't understand.
What is there not to understand?
If you're George Bush, Putin doesn't go into Ukraine.
Barack Obama, he does.
These international politics are very complicated.
I can understand why someone of your low intellect doesn't understand it.
Yeah, but I'm saying, what would George Bush do differently than Barack Obama has done?
Nobody, just like when you guys say Obamacare is bad, but you don't have a plan to replace it, same thing.
You say Barack Obama is being weak with the Ukraine and Crimea and Russia, but what would you do differently?
George Bush invaded countries.
What countries have Barack Obama invaded?
George Bush invaded countries that says to other countries, we can't do anything.
We can't annex territories from other sovereign nations.
That's what that says.
That's what the war on terrorism was all about.
Don't be trying to annex territories from other sovereign nations.
Very clear mandate.
Very clear.
So you're saying because Barack Obama hasn't freshly invaded any new countries, that nobody's afraid of him?
Yes, he inherited these wars like some sort of trust fund, baby.
He didn't create his own wars.
He's living off the glory of the wars created by his predecessor.
As a self-made man myself, I got no respect for a guy like that.
No respect.
You see, George W. Bush started those wars out of his own gumption, out of his own sense of war starting them.
Okay.
So, you know, Barack Obama is just like a Trustafarian kid and made them his own.
He can't profit on you.
He needs to respect a guy who prophesy wars he inherits from his forebears.
No one respects a guy like that.
Also, he's a race hustler.
What?
What?
What does that mean?
What?
First of all, that sounds horrible the way you say it.
What?
I'm not calling him a race hustler.
What's wrong with that?
I'm saying this because I respect the black community.
Oh, okay.
And he's...
I don't get it, but that sounds disrespectful.
It sounds like the closest you...
What's wrong with saying race hustler?
I got a lot of flack recently because Paul Ryan, who is a politician I respect a great deal, was talking about, he didn't say these terms, but it's talking about race hustlers in The inner cities, and I had him on my show.
I had him on the factor.
We talked about race hustlers.
Oh, I talked about race hustlers.
He just sat there and looked uncomfortable.
The point is, what?
What?
What?
Do you know any white race hustlers?
Yeah, how about Ben Potok from the Southern Poverty Law Center?
That place is nothing but a beehive of white race hustlers.
How did they hustle white race?
Or do they hustle black people?
How do they hustle the black race?
Oh, they hustle.
Yeah, they hustle black race.
They're black races.
They're white races.
They mean a hustler.
They're black race hustlers.
What does it mean that they're race hustlers?
What does that mean?
What do you mean?
Come on.
Come on.
You're a smart guy.
You grew up in Chicago.
You're an Irish Catholic.
You're a crypto-racist like me.
I know what this means.
So I ask you what Yes, that's what I'm saying.
I asked you what a race hustler is.
A race hustler is someone who derives political capital off of creating divisions between the white and black race.
Put it that way.
How about that?
Put that in your pipe of smogus.
But I think you're kind of proving that it actually does exist by the way you're doing this.
It's like you're exploiting.
No, me.
I just want to.
All I'm trying to do is lecture African Americans about how they should live their lives.
They don't want one act.
There's not a race hustle about that.
That's me prevaricating to them and saying, hey, look, pull your pants up.
Stop being a dumb nerd.
I'm saying.
And take care of your kids.
There's not a race hustler about that.
I'm the last one here to prevaricate.
Again, on 10 bucks if you tell me what prevaricate means.
Listen, the point is here.
These inner city blacks need to get their shit together.
I'm trying to get a little pissed off here.
They need to get their shit together and deal with the problems at hand.
And they let people like me and Paul Ryan and other Irish Catholics lecture them about what they should be doing and what the problems in their lives really are.
And stop acting like a bunch of black race hustlers.
Prevaricating blacks.
Oh, and then wow.
And then he just hung up.
He just got sick of the black prevaricators.
I don't even know what prevaricate means, but it sounds bad.
It doesn't sound good.
Prevaricating.
I hear you can go blind from too much prevarication.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
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Okay, so I don't know if you're familiar with Edward Snowden.
He's the guy who's single-handedly saving our democracy from the maniacs of the military-industrial complex who want to take it away.
The people who read 1984 is a how-to manual, Edward Snowden is saving us from those people, right?
So Mike Rogers, who's a Republican chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, is, I don't know, maybe one of the worst people around, right?
And because he's just been totally lying to the American people about what the NSA has been doing.
He's been found out to be lying.
And of course, the consequence for that in Washington is nothing.
The only time you ever get in trouble is when you get caught telling the truth.
You get promoted, I think.
You're lying, don't you?
Oh, live, of course.
That's how he got.
That's how he got promoted.
How do you think he got to be chairperson?
So he, so there's a couple of reasons why this clip is kind of amazing.
One, David Gregory asks a question, right?
An actual real question to Mike Rogers.
Mike Rogers had come on the Meet the Press the last time he was on and smeared Edward Snowden and said he was working with the Russian intelligence, even though he had no evidence to back it up.
And let's watch what David Gregory brings it up right off the bat, right off the bat.
Let's go.
Last on this program, Chairman, you were very pointed suggesting that he may have had help from the Russians, that Edward Snowden may have been a Russian spy, may be a Russian spy.
He's called that absurd.
No new details have come to light on this.
Were you irresponsible in making such a charge without having specific evidence to back it up to just sort of float that out there?
Well, first of all, I see all the intelligence and all the evidence from everything from his activities leading up to this event to very suspicious activity during the event.
Okay, so it's already a great clip because David Gregory asked him, it was a follow-up question from the last time he was on, right?
He didn't ask it the last time Mike Rogers was on.
He saved it for a couple of, I don't know, weeks, months, until Mike Rogers came.
Hey, by the way, I forgot to ask you.
Last time you were on the show, you were kind of full of shit.
And I didn't really follow up on any of it because you were smearing Edward Snowden.
David Gregory also asked Glenn Greenwald if he was aiding and eventually the enemy with Edward Snowden.
Yeah, so David Gregory's got a poor history when it comes to freedom of speech, privacy, the Fourth Amendment, the Constitution, and holding politicians' feet to the fire.
He's got a bad reputation.
So he starts off pretty good.
He throws it to Mike Rogers, who's already, you can tell, BSing us.
You can tell he's already, I...
He's going to keep going a little bit here.
And so when you talk to the folks who are doing the investigation, they cannot rule it out.
So here's what we know, David.
So he says we can't rule out that he's working with the Russian intelligence.
You know what else you can't rule out?
That he's got four arms because we haven't seen it.
I haven't seen a picture with his shirt off.
He might have two arms in his back and he might be from Mars.
We can't rule any of that stuff out.
He might also be Al-Qaeda and he might be African American.
And I don't think I've seen his long-form birth certificate.
We can't rule out any of this stuff.
You also, you can't rule out that all of the people Joe McCarthy accused of being communists weren't communists.
You can't rule that out.
You can't rule that out.
But not only is it, I can't rule it out, it's also I'm privy to a lot of information that I can't even talk about.
So I'm going to hint and also tell you I can't comment.
It's the worst of everything.
It's the worst of everything, Dave.
He goes on.
He goes on to smear him more.
We know today, no counterintelligence official in the United States does not believe that Mr. Snowden, the NSA contractor, is not under the influence of Russian intelligence services.
Okay, no, that was a triple negative.
It was a triple negative.
There's no one who doesn't not think he's not whatever.
It's like, you know, when you get caught lying, you know, it just starts rolling out of you.
Right, I need to hear Greg.
And he also started with the Royal We, the Royal We.
Yeah, we know.
We.
Yes, hey, we, not him.
Here we go.
He's got more.
I believe he is.
I certainly believe he is today.
So now We all agree that he's under the influence of Russian intelligence services today.
No, we don't.
You know, for the investigators, they need to figure out, well, when did that influence start?
And was he interested in cooperating earlier than the timeline would suggest?
So you're talking to a guy who stole information who is now in the arms of intelligence services saying, well, gosh, whatever you guys say is absurd.
Only I can define the truth.
That's ridiculous on its face.
I do believe there's more to this story.
He is under the influence of Russian intelligence officials today.
He's actually supporting in an odd way this very activity of brazen brutality.
Okay, here comes the greatest part ever.
So he just lied.
There's no evidence.
He has no evidence.
And what's the evidence he has?
We all know in the intelligence community, we know it.
Well, what's your evidence?
I told you, we know it.
So now, listen to this.
So he keeps saying under the influence.
Yes.
Not really doing anything.
He's under the influence.
He's under the influence.
So here comes the crazy part.
He's saying that Edward Snowden is, what is he doing?
And expansionism of Russia.
He needs to understand that.
And I think Americans need to understand that.
We need to put it in proper context.
But what's the evidence?
What he said was that Edward Snowden is aiding in the expansion of Russia, meaning the invasion of Crimea and their annexation of Crimea.
So I don't know if you know Edward Snowden is responsible for Crimea.
Well, he drives a tank.
Doesn't he drive a tank?
He does drive a tank.
Go ahead, Frank.
By proper context, he means complete bullshit.
Yes, we've got to put it in the proper context.
And apparently that the proper context, Frank, is that Edward Snowden is responsible for Putin invading.
I don't know what it was.
I don't know what else could he even prime it on.
That's amazing.
You know what else?
Also, that landslide in Washington, I think Edward Snowden had something to do with.
Yeah, but he didn't have anything to do with us changing the way we collect data.
Got nothing to do with the complete change in conversation in America that the president is now backtracking from.
Completely, no, not changing.
Although we've caught Mike Rogers repeatedly lying.
Lying.
For who?
The government?
Who are you lying for?
Okay, so David Gregory then pushes back, asks him again.
No.
Yes.
What is the evidence that he is under that influence?
As he has pointed out, why go to Hong Kong when he originally got to Russia?
He was stranded in the airport.
That's no way to treat a spy, he has pointed out.
So you're arguing a lot, but where's the evidence to suggest that he's actually under the influence of a foreign intelligence agency?
Okay, that's pretty amazing.
David Gregory, he asks the question, he goes, you're arguing a lot, but where's the evidence?
Okay, he did it.
He did his job.
This is David Gregory's shining moment.
This is amazing.
This is incredible.
He asked him twice.
I'm guessing he's not getting an answer.
Here comes the answer.
Ready?
Here it comes.
Well, again, today, we believe he's under the influence, and every counterintelligence official believes that.
You won't find one that doesn't believe today he's under the influence of Russian intelligence services.
Okay, so basically what he's saying, when you go, hey, where's your evidence that Edward Snowden is working with the Russian intelligence agent?
Where's your evidence?
Evidence?
We said he's doing it.
That's our evidence.
I said it.
The other guy said it.
And this other guy said it.
That's our fucking evidence.
You want badges?
I don't have any badges.
I don't need to show you any staking badges.
That's Mike Rogers right now.
I'll show you.
Our evidence is we said so.
That's our evidence.
That is his evidence.
That's the chairman of the intelligence committee talking to another handsome guy on NBC, and he's telling him our evidence is I said so.
He goes up.
Sir, his other evidence that Edward Snowden is in business with Russia when asked what his evidence was, he said, well, the heart wants what it wants.
Oh, I got that one.
All right, here we go.
Here we go.
He's got more to say.
That we can all agree on.
It's when did that start?
I think there is really good evidence.
In this case, the more we look into this, I think the more you're going to find that that date gets further and further away from his story.
Matter of fact, I don't believe the story he tells about both the airport or his activities in Hong Kong are accurate.
It just gets more complicated.
And as I said, he's clearly in Moscow under the influence of intelligence services for a country that is expanding its borders today using military force.
I think there's a lot more questions that need to be answered here.
Okay, so he just lied to him.
David Gregory brought him on the show to ask him about, hey, you keep smearing this Edward Snowden, this guy who might be the biggest patriot of the 21st century so far.
You keep smearing him and you don't provide us any evidence.
Can you provide us evidence?
No, I'm not going to provide you evidence.
In fact, I'm going to use your TV show to smear him again, twice more.
And here's how David Gregory makes him pay for it.
Watch him pay for it.
We're going to leave it there.
Chairman Rogers, thank you.
We're going to leave it there.
I literally accomplished nothing.
Nothing.
We said nothing.
Jimmy, you know I'm a simple guy.
I know you explained something to me about this administration.
Am I to believe that Mike Rogers would be pro-Snowden if he didn't believe that Snowden was working with the Russians?
Because that seems to be the implication here, yet I somehow don't think it might be true.
You explain it to me as a simple question.
Yeah, well, Mike Rogers is a reasonable guy, and he'd certainly be for someone to blowing the whistle on the insiders in the government who are breaking the Constitution.
If I could say something that's also very damning to Edward Snowden, if I might, is not only is Edward Snowden in Russia when Russia illegally invaded a country, he was also in America when America!
Wow.
He's responsible for Iraq, too.
Yes, he was in this country when that happened.
He was here.
Oh, you know what?
Thanks for...
What's your evidence that he was here, Frank?
Is it that you say it or did Mike Rogers say it?
Because that's good evidence.
Lots of people are saying it.
Okay.
That's all the evidence you need.
That's all you need.
Jimmy, I don't know if you'll feel any comfort knowing this, but David Gregory, fourth place in the Sunday morning shows.
Fourth place, David Gregory.
He's taking a hit by not asking hard questions ever.
They started to start maybe asking a question.
I don't know if that's why he's taking a hit, but it's certainly, wow.
My question to guys like David Gregory and Brian Williams, how many, because they work for General Electric, which is a defense contractor, right?
Which definitely wants to influence politics, which is why they're a person too.
They get to pay as much money to the politicians as they want now to get the corner crony capitalism to get the rules rigged in their favor, which they are, right?
So my question to guys like David Gregory and Brian Williams is how many paychecks, how many checks do you have to cash from a defense contractor before you stop calling yourself a journalist?
And the answer is many, many, many, many.
Here's the thing that gets me about David Gregory.
And it's not just David, it's all the hosts of every news show.
It's like if a guy comes and lies to your face, you have to thank him.
And that's exactly, it's like, he goes, oh, are we going to leave it there?
You're going to leave it there with a guy who just lied to you, didn't answer your questions.
Okay, and that's where you're going to leave it.
Hey, you didn't give me a straight.
It's like, hey, hang on, Frank.
He goes, hey, you didn't give me a straight answer in any of my questions.
Use my show twice to smear a guy who's turning out to be a big patriot.
Thanks for coming on.
Go ahead, Frank.
No, it's because he's saying we're going to end it there because that guy is a big, powerful person, and David Gregory has access to him, and he can get him to come back on his show.
Yes.
Yes.
Provide the public with no information.
In the mind of Washington journalists, just having access to powerful people is what makes you a good journalist, even if you never get a single answer from it.
I mean, Frank is 100% right.
All these guys want is access, and they want to be the ones to ask the easy questions so that they'll get the question again next week.
But can I just say something?
You know, we saw Mad as Hell this week, which is the documentary about Jenkins.
It is a fact.
It is an absolute 100% fact that Jenk was asking too many questions about the Iraq war.
Yes.
And the administration contacted MSNBC.
Yes.
And MSNBC called Jenkins and said, stop doing it.
And he basically was like, I'm not going to stop.
And then he left MSNBC.
So for people that need hard evidence, not anecdotal, that this is happening, the administration called one of the three big cable news and said, stop it.
And they said, no, they're going to stop it.
We'll help you do it.
We'll help you.
Yes.
Yes, exactly.
Of course.
And then they put on Al Sharpton.
And we'll give Al Sharpton his spot.
The biggest yes man ever.
He happened to Phil Donahue at the highest.
Same thing happened to Phil Donahue, right?
The number guy with the number one show on the network.
That's historical fact that that happened.
Yes, and that's going to, and that's also mentioned in the new book coming out in July.
Your country's just not that into you by Jimmy Doerr.
Oh, nice.
Congratulations.
Yeah, so we got a big section on Chris Matthews in there.
But I want to tell you, Frank, do you remember in the run-up to the Gulf War one?
Now, Dave, you're a little younger than us, so you might not remember this, but I'm in ninth grade.
So I do remember you don't remember this.
So in order, Frank, for them to sell the first Gulf War to us with George Bush I, right?
George H. George H. What they did, do you remember that there was a 19-year-old girl who came on, came to the Congress and tearfully told stories about Iraqi soldiers going into Kuwait hospitals and nurseries and taking babies out of their incubators and putting them on the cold floor so they would die?
Oh, yeah, I do remember that.
Do you remember that?
So it's called the Naira testimony, which was I'm reading directly from Wikipedia.
It was the controversial testimony given before the non-governmental Congressional Human Rights Caucus in 1990 by a female who provided only her first name, Naira.
Testimony widely publicized, was cited numerous times by United States senators and the American president in their rationale to back the Kuwait back Kuwait in the Gulf War.
So she comes out, tells these stories.
Everybody goes crazy.
Oh my God, the Iraqi soldiers, they seem like monsters.
They seem worse than anybody we've ever fought.
Even the Nazis wouldn't do that, right?
So turns out, we found out what that girl's last name was after we went into Kuwait and liberated them.
We found out what her last name was.
It was the same last name as the ambassador from Kuwait.
And it turns out she was lying.
They're just making that stuff up and just making it up.
But that was the big story.
So now, so you go, oh, but why would she do that?
Oh, because that girl was the daughter of the ambassador who wanted America to go in and get Saddam Hussein out of Kuwait.
They wanted us to invade.
She was booked for that engagement through the Gulf of Tonkin.
Are they still open?
They haven't called me back.
They have everybody that they book everybody that you see on TV.
So Mike Rogers.
So here's Mike Rogers.
So it turns out there was a PR company that coached her on what to say and how to do it.
There was a PR company hired by Kuwait, right, to get America into a war.
And you go, wow, I didn't.
So here's Mike Rogers and sounding very much like Naira from 1990, right?
So here's Mike Rogers.
He's going to tell us about something that is happening in Crimea right now.
Here he's going to tell us, right?
To think, you know, I think we're a bit removed from this, David.
I talked to an individual who was kidnapped by the Russians, he believes.
His ear was cut off.
He had nails put in his hand in a crucifix type of position in order to get a confession from him that the Americans were behind the upheaval in Ukraine.
And this is who we're dealing with.
So they took over Crimea.
You see that they've taken over another base yet today.
Yeah, the people who took over Crimea are pounding nails and cutting off people's ears and like a crucifix.
They're unbelievable.
I bet.
Well, at least they haven't taken babies out of incubators yet because you know that's made up and you know he's lying.
Cruise eviction.
So who's he working for, Frank?
Who's he?
He's working for the lobbying company who's lobbying right now on behalf of Crimea or Halliburton or whoever it is.
Yeah.
They want to make the big government contracts to go to war.
Yes, whoever lobbies the government to go to war, that's who he's working for, Mike Rogers.
And what's my evidence for that?
I just fucking said it.
That's my evidence.
I back you.
I back you.
You said it.
I agree.
Seth, do you say it, Frank?
Yes, I do.
So everyone today is saying that Mike Rogers is in the pocket of a lobbying company that wants to take us to war for nefarious purposes.
And we're all saying it, and that's my evidence.
Now all we have to do is leak it to the New York Times.
A source said.
Yeah, a source said.
They don't have to cite it.
No.
That's right.
I got it.
So I got.
Let's all try to get this on Judy Miller's blog.
Ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
So guess what?
We played a Peter King call in the premium content a few weeks back, and I found myself listening to it again.
And Steph mentioned, she says, why don't you play on the show?
And so I guess I will.
Just to let everybody know the fun we're having on the premium content.
Here's a Peter King call from, I don't know, a couple weeks ago.
Enjoy.
Peter King gave me a call.
Jimmy, you see me on the Sunday shows talking about the Mercer Malaysia flight.
I was all the Malaysian authorities aren't cooperating.
The FBI and the NTSB have got to be more involved.
Thought I was just peddling this.
What I really wanted to say was Malaysian authorities couldn't find my dick if it was in their mouth.
Have you heard these guys?
Have you ever been to Malaysia?
Holy Christ, don't.
If you've got a choice between a vacation in Malaysia and one in Detroit, you should just fucking kill yourself.
Goddamn country smells like Kong Pao Yak Dong.
And yet, on the other hand, if you will, they have so much fucking money.
Seriously, I was at a restaurant and a way to tip me.
You know what they call the king?
A goddamn king, like the secret room in Mr. Rogers' house.
No, yeah, definitely.
The 19th century government is going to find a 20th century airplay.
Sure.
Consult your crazy animal guards and get back to me on that one.
I'm dying to hear how you fucking figure that out.
Seriously, I don't know how Malaysians don't rise up and call bullshit on the whole thing.
Oh, wait, I do know.
Because the Malaysian government is more oppressive than Lizzie Graham's conscience at a Boy Scout Jamboree.
Shit, yeah.
If you're looking for people to throw a born into jail quickly and officially, Malaysia is your place.
But you want to find an airplane trying to call Uncle Sam and his team of modern YouTube white folks.
Tell you, Jimmy, if there weren't Americans on that plane, I wouldn't blow a flat over the scene.
But there are Renaissance.
So we're going to expend every resource of the goddamn government to get over there and fight it with the fucking blanket, the American demo instead of thank you.
Yeah, we'll send the chiefs where they want to go to.
The least we can do.
Okay.
Well, I got to go pretend these people out in a million pieces, and this isn't a huge cycle jerk.
Fuck you later.
God damn it.
Jesus Christ.
Fucking pajama boy on television.
You gotta be kidding me.
All right, that was Peter King.
Wow, we had a lot to say.
Yeah.
Yeah.
you you you Okay, well, I hope you enjoyed that Peter King call as much as I did.
Holy shit, that was funny.
Okay, and we're officially over time right now.
We're doing extras.
We're over an hour, huh?
Isn't that nice?
So let me take this time before I give you another little piece of heaven.
The most offended caller called in.
That's right.
The most easily offended caller called in.
And I'm going to play a little bit of it for you.
Before I do, I want to let you know that you can hear the whole call of the whole offended listener call if you get the premium content.
That's right.
It only costs you $5 a month, right?
And that's a great way to help support the show.
It's $5 a month.
You get all the premium content, one easy place to get it.
And here's like a hit, for instance, this is what's going to be in the premium content this weekend.
The world's most easily offended listener.
Yes.
Hello.
Oh, this is.
Oh, hi.
This is the most easily offended.
This is the offended listener.
Oh, for our, okay.
So for our listeners, if you don't know, this is the most easily offended listener who listens to the show sometimes.
How are you doing?
Okay, you act like that's a bad thing.
No, no, not at all.
Well, the truth is, I happen to have a very highly developed sense of empathy that allows me to feel offended on behalf of all other humans on the planet.
Oh, that doesn't sound good.
It's my cross to bear, Jimmy, which is a metaphor I use only because it's convenient and because I believe in the Judeo-Christian patriarchy.
Okay.
Well, fine, Mr. Funnyman.
Now, you and your persons have been having a good laugh at Governor Christie's weight issues.
Yes, we do make a lot of fat jokes about Governor Christie.
Which, to start with, it's not fat, okay?
That is HP.
They prefer plus mass Americans.
Okay.
There's a lot more to the most offended listener phone call.
You can get that in the premium content.
Go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
You click on premium, make your $5 donation, and you're welcome after that, huh?
Because there's a ton of great premium content.
So thanks for helping support the Jimmy Door show.
And by the way, if you'd like to be a member of our live studio audience, we're getting ready to add some live audiences to some of the shows we tape in Culver City.
If that interests you, send me an email at my old timey email, Jimmy Door at Earthlink.
I'll put you on our list.
And when we finally are able to do it, you know, you got to set up the studio.
They got the ink at the insurance.
All kinds of stuff has to happen.
But that's happening.
And so when it happens, I want to be ready and I want to be able to contact you people and let you know to kick.
Come on down.
We're doing a live show.
Okay.
So send me an email at my old timey email, jimmydoor at earthlink.net.
I'll get it and put your name in our email list of the people who want to be live studio audience members.
That's exciting to me.
I'm excited.
I hope you are too.
Okay.
I'll be in Cincinnati.
Don't forget April this week.
That's right.
This Wednesday through Saturday.
How about that, April 3 through 6?
See you then.
All the voices performed today by the one and only the inimitable Mike McRae.
And a big thanks to Mark Thompson, Mark Thompson, who did our underwriters sketch at the top of the show, our PBS, all the funders and underwriters, the Trans Canada Pipeline, Bling Pipe Up America's Backyard.
You know, it's all good.
So thanks to Mark Thompson for lending his talent and his voice to that.
That was fantastic.
Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Mike McRae, Frank Conniff, Robert Yasamura, Mark Van Landuitt, and Steph Zamorano.
Okay, that's it for this week.
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