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March 22, 2014 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Before we get to the show, I want to let everybody in Cincinnati know I'm going to be there at GoBananas Comedy Club April 3 through 6.
Go to jimmydoorcomedy.com for more info and links for tickets.
Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore show.
Hello, this is Jimmy Dore.
Greetings, Jimmy Dore.
It is I, Mitt Romney.
Hey, hey, you, Mitt.
What's up, buddy?
Oh, not much.
Just wanted to talk.
Having $300 million and not being president of the United States, it gets kind of lonely there today, as I'll say.
Hello.
Ah, nothing going on, huh, Mitt?
Today I'm having an indoor surveillance camera installed.
In your mansion?
Oh, if you don't mind, it's not a mansion.
It's a compound.
Oh, my mistake.
What do you need surveillance?
Homestead.
That's how we like to say it now.
Okay.
Well, what do you need surveillor cameras for?
Well, I just said, no, the hired help is stealing laundry detergent.
I want to catch him in the act.
Ha ha.
Send him to prison.
That sounds petty.
Hey, Jimmy, did you see my editorial in the Wall Street Journal about Obama's failed leadership?
I figure that's why you're calling.
Yeah, I heard about it.
Pretty neat, huh?
You said a good leader knows how events will happen before they happen.
Yes, a good leader anticipates.
For instance, I knew that I wasn't going to win the 2012 presidential election.
That's why I ran.
Naturally.
America needs to exert strength.
President Barack usurper Obama has missed every opportunity to use military force.
You know, Jesus isn't coming to rule over the new Jerusalem in Jackson County, Missouri, unless we encourage him.
I would need lots of encouragement, too.
So I'm not sure what the point of your editorial was, Mitt.
My point is, it's a foreign policy failure that America is not at war with Russia, Syria, North Korea, and Iran.
I don't see that as a failure.
Have you been watching what's been happening with that Malaysia airline?
Yeah, I have.
What are your thoughts about the disappearance?
We need to invade Malaysia.
America can't be seen as weak.
Why are you laughing?
Because that doesn't make any sense.
Why would we need to...
I've got another call coming in.
Okay.
Oh, it's that Melissa Harris Perrywoman wanting to apologize again.
Another apology.
Oh, last time she called, she was inconsolable.
I had to assure her that it's not her fault that she's black.
Okay, Mitt, I need to let you go.
Are you sure?
We can keep talking.
These days, nobody returns my calls.
No, I got things to work out, Mitt.
I got to go ahead and insult me and hang up, all right?
Oh, I don't want to.
Why not?
You always do that.
I don't want people to think I'm not a nice person.
I think it's too late for that, Mitt.
There's video footage out there of you saying what you really think about people.
Well, good point.
Fuck you and the bag of dicks that you rented from Hertz to ride in here.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
...the kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you about.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's episode.
I'm joined on the phone all the way from New York City and CinematicTitanic.com and Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's TV's Frank Frank Conniff.
Hi, Frank.
How are you?
Hello there.
Yay.
How are things in New York, Frank?
Things are cold and dreary and depressing, so I feel right at home.
Fantastic.
Well, I don't want to depress you anymore, but we did have, this has got to be the hottest winter I've ever been in my life.
I feel like I live on the equator.
A little too hot almost every day, a little too hot.
Anyway, almost.
Cross the glass.
I don't want to rub your face in it.
A little too hot.
But cross the glass from me.
Hilarious community and the host of comedy and everything else, our resident Latina at Steph Zamarano.
Hi, Steph.
How are you?
Ola there.
Ola there to you.
Across from her, our resident Japanese man who was hilarious at left, right, and ridiculous last Saturday at the fake gallery.
It's from Team Yasamura.
It's Robert Yasamura.
Hey, Robert.
Ohio Designers.
Okay, Ohio.
Ohio.
Ohio.
All right, let's get to the jokes before we...
Oh, well, you know, it's always a seat for you, Frank.
We miss you.
Okay.
We miss you.
Anyways, okay, let's do the, you know, hey, Fred, Fred Phelps.
You know, Fred Phelps, the leader of the Westboro Baptist Church.
You know, they always picketed this the funerals of dead soldiers because they were allowing homosexuals in the military.
And so they would always, you know, that's the Westboro Church.
Well, the founder, Fred Phelps, he died.
And may he rest in hate.
Am I right?
Hey, did you know?
Did you know that today marks the 11th anniversary of the Iraq war?
Wow.
Yeah, so don't worry about all the missing plane coverage.
The media won't let us know.
Hey, I wish I did, Frank, I wish they'd find that airplane so cable news can go back to focusing on other stories that they have no information about.
There you go.
Got to hit the other.
Got to hit the other like a Bob Castas with a little pink eye.
Okay.
Big breaking news today about the wreckage that might be there.
They're not sure.
It's only on satellite.
Nobody has seen it, but it might be there.
So there's been nothing but that on the news all day.
All day.
Yes, Steph.
Well, thanks to cable news, Frank.
We are getting constant 24-7 updates that there are no updates about the missing Malaysian airplane.
So that's nice to know.
It's amazing.
You know, you'd think in Journalism 101, they teach you an absence of news is not news.
You'd think.
Hey, Courtney Loves.
She said she knew psychically where the plane was.
Isn't that correct, Frank?
Yeah, she did.
And I say she has no business making speculative crackpot claims about the missing Malaysian jet.
That's the job of CNN.
Hey, by the way, St. Patrick's Day happened this week.
St. Patrick's Day happened this week, and big controversy surrounding the parades.
Bill de Blasio wouldn't march in the St. Patrick's Day Parade because they have an anti-gay stance.
They wouldn't allow homosexuals.
Boston Mayor wouldn't, Boston Mayor did the same thing.
You know, it's surprising that there's so much controversy about gays in St. Patrick's Day parades because, you know, I grew up Irish and the Irish have always been so open-minded about sex.
That's why they have to drink excessively to forget.
You should, yeah, no doubt about it.
And you should have seen Frank and me on Right Beef on March 16th running around trying to get on a bunch of last-minute resentments in before St. Patrick's Day.
Irish all-time is to forget everything but the revamps.
Yes, yes.
Speaking of healthcare, did you know that the Republicans are going to be launching their own healthcare website called don'cacare.gov?
Yes.
So what's coming up on today's show?
Well, guess what?
Finally, Andrea, Minnesota Representative Andrea Kiefer came out against equal pay for women.
So finally, there's a politician that self-hating women and misogynists can get behind and support, huh?
So we're going to talk about that.
Plus, hey, why is it the Republicans who always talk about the virtues of the free market are the same people who try to suppress the vote?
We're going to talk about that coming up.
Plus, hey, I wonder why our journalism school right now is burning the admission files of Don Lemon.
We're going to find out.
And we got phone calls today from Peter King calls in.
We have an expert flight attendant on the Malaysian airplane calls in.
Haley Barber calls in.
Mitt Romney had an op-ed in the New York Times.
He calls in to talk about it.
Plus, Bill O'Reilly and a lot lot more.
That's today on The Jimmy Dore Show.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Joining us now is Bill O'Reilly.
Bill, how are you doing?
Don't give me any of that liberal crap.
Jimmy, I've got stuff I need to talk about.
Shoot, Bill.
Funny you should say that because as you know, I've been writing a lot of books about assassinations lately.
First, there was killing Lincoln, then there was killing Kennedy, and then my biggest blockbuster, the heartwarming killing Jesus.
Actually, Bill, the critics crucified you for that one.
Rot in hell, homo.
That book was number one on the bestseller list or a new daily worker.
I mean, the New York Times.
Sorry, I always get those two mixed up.
I'm not going to stay in for any of your usual blasphemy, Dor.
I've been deeply devout ever since I was a kid, and I heard about the crucifixion of Christ.
And I knew in my heart of hearts that Jesus' ultimate sacrifice was something I'd make a shitload of money from.
Boy, that's an inspiring story, Bill.
Shut up, kiss back.
I'm all here to promote some of my upcoming titles in the series.
The next one is called Killing Me.
Killing You, Bill O'Reilly?
Well, the full title is Killing Me Softly with His Song.
It's about the time I saw Don McLean perform live.
I mean, it was incredible.
He was strumming my pain with his fingers, singing my life with his words, throwing the whole O'Reilly factor talking points memo with his song.
I was so moved.
I was so moved.
You're showing us your gentle side.
Are you coming on to me, Dor?
Because I don't go in for that sort of thing unless you're a segment producer working under me with an open mind about Middle Eastern food.
If I've made you uncomfortable about your history of sexual abuse, I feel awful.
I mean, I feel awful.
Oh, so you're doing puns now.
What is this?
A hashtag war?
If so, forget it, Dorr, because the hashtag war is the only kind of war Fox News doesn't support.
But I didn't come here for this kind of crap.
I'm here because I want to tell you about my other new killing book.
It's called Killing the Passengers and Crew of the Malaysian Airplane.
Oh, Bill, too soon, buddy.
Too soon.
It's never too soon to come up with theories about stuff you have no facts about.
And I've come up with a theory about that missing jet.
Well, I guess we're about to hear it.
You sure are.
Here it is.
I think the culprit behind this whole missing jet saga is Jeff Zucker.
The president of CNN?
Yes.
Think about it, Jimmy.
CNN's ratings have gone up since this whole thing happened.
Whenever people want to hear random, pointless, crackpot speculation about breaking news, they go to CNN.
I'll be the first to admit it.
At Fox, we specialize not in breaking news, but in overall ongoing, continuing paranoid fantasies like Benghazi and the IRS scandal and Benghazi and Acorn and Benghazi and other stories like Benghazi, for instance.
The CNN is the industry leader when it comes to making shit up about stuff that is happening right now.
So therefore, Jeff Zucker, the president of CNN, is the person who caused the Malaysian plane to disappear.
It's the only logical explanation I can think of.
If it turns out not to be true, well, who cares?
Nothing I say ever turns out to be true.
And Jimmy, that's the most important thing in the news business: consistency.
Well, Bill O'Reilly, thanks for joining us today.
kiss my rich irish ass and suck my dick at midnight Hashtag angry Irish sign off.
The Jimmy Dora show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes or for other ways to subscribe.
Go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
In a few years, there will likely be packs of old people called Ryan's Raiders.
They'll be called Ryans for Paul Ryan, who took away Social Security and Medicare, and they'll be called Raiders because these old people will be gangs that steal food and medicine.
Yes, you'll hear the headlines like largest hijacking of meta-musil and insurer on record.
And now, this is because Representative Paul Ryan is a traditional fiscal Republican.
That is, rich people should never be taxed.
So go screw yourself and the entitlements you've paid into your entire life.
Recently, though, we discovered Paul Ryan is also an old school racist Republican.
That's this tailspinner spiral that we're looking at in our communities.
You know, your buddy Charles Murray Or Bob Putnam over at Harvard.
Those guys have written books on this, which is we have got this tailspin of culture in our inner cities in particular, of men not working and just generations of men not even thinking about working or learning the value and the culture of work.
And so there's a real culture problem here that has to be dealt with.
Everybody's got to get involved.
So this is what we talk about when we talk about civil society.
Okay.
Okay.
That was the Representative Ryan on Morning in America, a radio show called Morning in America, because they couldn't call it I Would Blow Ronald Reagan's corpse.
I guess that's why it was called Morning in America.
In case you didn't get your Republican Dakota ring from Fox News, inner city means black.
Okay?
Period.
End of story.
Okay.
And he did mean black because when Paul Ryan unveils his next budget proposal, that really sticks it to the poor, and it will.
Ignorant white bigots will happily go along with it until they realize that they're screwed too.
But by then, it will be too late.
Ah, jokes on you, Whitey, and everyone else.
At the very least, Paul Ryan is going to, again, propose the repeal of the ACA, which eventually isn't enough red meat for the Republicans.
They also need to feel Darkie is getting the shaft in the process.
So a handful of Democrats immediately called out Ryan for his remarks.
In particular, Representative Barbara Lee of California gave it to him by saying, my colleague, Congressman Ryan's comments about inner city poverty are a thinly veiled racial attack and cannot be tolerated.
Let's be clear when Mr. Ryan says inner city, when he says culture, these are simply code words for what he really means blacks.
And as usual, the majority of congressional Democrats were hiding in a broom closet somewhere, hoping no one would notice, because what if I don't win re-election?
Then I can't impotently fight against for nothing in the Congress some more.
On Wednesday, Congressman Ryan held a town hall meeting in Southeast Wisconsin because he's smart like that.
One black constituent, Alfonso Gardner, was mad and he said, quote, the next day you said that statement was inarticulate.
Well, I don't believe that.
You said what you meant, Gardner told Paul Ryan.
Bottom line is this, this statement was not true.
That's a code word for black.
Now, here's the interesting point.
Paul Ryan's response was freakishly articulate and convincing.
He goes, this is not a race thing.
It's just a poor thing.
Poverty knows no racial boundaries.
That's the issue I'm trying to get at, which is we have to rethink our war on poverty and our program so that it always pays to work because we have these incentives for people to not work.
This, by the way, from the guy who opposes every minimum wage increase ever.
So yeah, he's a lying bag of crap.
Still, if you heard him, you might even be convinced for a minute.
Hey, man, this guy really cares.
He doesn't care, by the way.
And this brings us to the broader and subtler point.
All of this is a typical, albeit particularly well-executed, piece of Republican calculation.
The calculation goes like this.
Black people, for the most part, are not going to vote for Paul Ryan.
And black Republicans are such a bizarre, self-loathing minority as to not be a factor.
A smattering of racism will fire up the base of angry, clueless white people.
And I can then carefully walk back the remarks to appease the moderate Republicans who want to vote for me but need political cover.
And voila, I'm a congressman yet again, and evil triumphs.
And at the end of the day, Paul Ryan showed his truest colors of all, not only when he used dog whistle politics, but when he pointed to the poor as the problem and not poverty as the problem.
So that's what I wanted to talk about, how Paul Ryan's assessment of the inner city, this culture of black people not working.
He doesn't, Lyndon Johnson had a war on poverty, Frank.
What Paul Ryan has is a war on poor people.
He's upset.
What's wrong with our economy is poor people lack a work ethic.
Well, they even extend it to Obama because in the Republican primary last time around, Newt Gingrich literally said, Obama is the food staff president and he doesn't understand the meaning of hard work.
Yes.
He said this about Barack Obama.
Yes, this is exactly.
So this, you know what's very telling too, is that Paul Ryan is not smart.
You know, he makes big mistakes left and right.
And like when he just, he just quoted, I don't know if you, if you're at the top of this, listen to this.
Yes.
Charles Murray, do you know who that is?
That's the guy who wrote the bell curve.
So he here here.
It's a tail spin or spiral that we're looking at in our communities.
You know, your buddy Charles Murray or Charles Murray.
Charles Murray wrote a book called The Bell Curve, which is a racist scribe.
It's a book about why white people are smarter than black people.
Yes, it's his defense of social Darwinism.
Yes.
Well, not only that, but it's not social darn.
It says that black people are inferior.
Not that the survival of the fittest.
That book says that black people are inferior.
And then he's also against affirmative action.
Well, you think, well, if black people are inferior, you'd be for affirmative action.
Charles Murray says no affirmative action because they're hopeless.
So that's the guy he's quoting in this radio interview, a guy who wrote the bell curve.
If he's not reading Charles Murray, at least he's in some more down-to-earth compassionate office like Ayn Rand.
Yes.
Yes.
So that was so, so that's what I'm talking about.
Paul Ryan, not too bright of a guy.
He keeps referencing Ayn Rand, who, by the way, when she died, took Medicare.
She lived off the government before she died.
Completely a hypocrite, completely an empty ideology.
By the way, Ayn Rand godless also.
So he always has to backtrack.
Oh, no, no, I didn't mean that.
I didn't mean that she was God.
I don't mean any of that.
So he's just, you know, he's smart enough to read Ayn Rand.
He's not smart enough to know why he shouldn't bring it up.
You know what I mean?
And he's smart enough to read Charles Murray, not smart enough to know he shouldn't use him as a reference as an elected political leader when talking about the problems of poverty.
I disagree.
I disagree.
He is incredibly smart.
And bringing up Charles Murray.
But for a large part of his core constituency, he just cited somebody smart.
That's all they know.
Okay.
You probably, okay.
You know what, Jimmy?
Paul Ryan, though, he's never going to be a figure on the national on a national ticket again by evoking people like Charles Murray and Ayn Rand.
He had to, you know, he had to Walk back his love of Ayn Rand in the last election.
And he's just, he just doesn't seem like he's smart enough to function on a national stage.
You know, he has managed within the Republican Party to be considered, you know, a real economic intellectual because of bullshit.
He's a really low bar, though.
I know, but this is this is how he, and I agree, but this is how he does it.
He does it by like quoting what to the average American would seem to be obscure stuff.
And so they all go, well, he must know what he's talking about.
He clearly is right up on the subject.
It's like, no, he hasn't.
His sense of economics is completely wrong.
Yeah, so I think you're arguing on our side that he's not that smart.
Jimmy, a little known fact about Ayn Rand?
What?
Big whiner.
Oh, she was a big whiner.
Oh, yeah.
But, you know, Paul Ryan does this straw man, too, that he, you know, he flatters himself that he's really sticking his neck out.
Like, look at me, I'm taking a courageous stand.
I'm promoting the dignity of hard work.
You know, it's like, liberals are all about hard work, buddy.
What do you think?
I don't understand.
You know, Mother Teresa, very hard worker.
She was a liberal.
She all did, she devoted her whole life to helping the poor.
Do you know what I'm talking about?
Like these Barack Obama, born to a single mom, had to go, you know, worked his way up.
He didn't go into gangs.
He went into college and became the president of the United States, a constitutional lawyer.
So this idea that liberals are somehow against hard work is that it's one of the biggest, and that people let them get away with it.
It's the same thing when they say liberals or Democrats are irresponsible with fiscal spending.
They're the deficit people.
And the whole idea that the Republicans are the ones who are fiscally responsible, all of recent history proves that to be false.
Yes.
Every fact you can come up with, they're the ones who bring the deficits up.
Yeah, last time we had a balanced budget was under Bill Clinton.
Yes, but fiscal responsibility, they're only thinking about the 1%.
Right.
Yes, you're right.
Well, I love Paul Ryan.
He went out and he said that he believes that a stable, good-paying job is the best bridge out of poverty.
Well, thank you very much.
And a tall jug of water is the best way out of thirst.
And a warm blanket is the best way to keep from freezing to death.
What he's saying, you know, he's acting like there's this big, there's this, again, like there's this stable of good jobs waiting for people if they would just get off their asses.
These inner city blacks, if they would just get off their asses and go to work because we have all these jobs that are waiting for them that have health care benefits and that pay them a decent living.
And those jobs are waiting for them in Detroit and Philadelphia and Chicago and Los Angeles and New York.
All those jobs are waiting for them, but they just won't get up off their lazy asses like Whitey in rural America does.
They have all these jobs available in inner cities.
And then when the men show up to try to get them, they're drunk and they're on drugs.
So they just can't have those jobs.
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah, we should drug test them.
This portion of the Jimmy Dore show brought to you by Johnson's Johnsons.
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Peter King called me.
Oh, really?
Peter King gave me a call.
Yeah.
Jimmy, you see me on the Sunday shows talking about the Mr. Malaysia flight?
I was all the Malaysian authorities are cooperating.
The FBI and the NTSB have got to be more involved.
Thought I was soft peddling this.
What I really want to say was Malaysian authorities couldn't find my dick if it was in their mouth.
You heard these guys.
Have you ever been to Malaysia?
Holy Christ, don't.
If you've got a choice between a vacation in Malaysia and one in Detroit, you should just kill yourself.
The whole goddamn country smells like Kong Pao Yak Dong.
And yet, on the other hand, if you will, they have so much fucking money.
Seriously, I was at a restaurant and a waiter tipped me.
You know, they go to King, a goddamn king, like the secret room in Mitchell Rogers' house.
No, yeah, definitely.
The 19th century government is going to find a 20th century airplay, sure.
Consult your crazy animal guards and get back to you on that one.
I'm dying to hear how you fucking figure that out.
Seriously, I don't know how Malaysians don't rise up and call bullshit on the whole thing.
Oh, wait, I do know.
Because the Malaysian government is more repressive than Lizzie Graham's conscience at a Boy Scout Jamboree.
Shitcha.
If you're looking for people to throw a board into jail quickly and officially, Malaysia is your place.
Or you want to find an airplane trying to call Uncle Sam and his team of modern white folks.
Tell you, Jimmy, if there weren't Americans on that plane, I wouldn't blow a flat over the scene.
But there are, and I do.
So we're going to expend every resource of the goddamn government to get over there and fight him with the fucking blanket.
The Americans send them back in.
Yeah, we'll send the chiefs where they want to go.
The least we can do.
Okay.
Well, I got to go pretend these people aren't in a million pieces, and this isn't a huge cycle jerk.
Fuck you later.
God damn it.
Jesus Christ.
Fucking pajama boy on television.
You got to be kidding me.
All right.
That was Peter King.
Wow, we had a lot to say.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Hello, podcast listeners, and thanks to everybody who made it out last Saturday to Left, Right, and Ridiculous at the fake gallery.
And our special guest, Dave Rubin from the Rubin Report, was on that show.
Robert Yasamer was on that show.
Hannah Ganson was hilarious, playing her hilarious songs, socially relevant and funny.
Very rare.
Okay, it was a great time.
Thanks, everybody who made it out.
And this is the time of the show when I let you know, I say thank you for supporting the Jimmy Dore show.
It's listeners like you who make this show possible.
There's three easy ways you can help support the show.
You can become a premium member.
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I'll let you know about the other two ways you can help support the show a little bit later on.
But right now, let's get back to the studio.
I'm joined by Frank Conniff, Robert Yasamura, Steph Zamorano.
And we're talking about, we're going to talk about Don Lemon and his great reporting over at CNN.
So if you've been following the flight, the Malaysian 777 that disappeared, like you can't, you can't help but follow it.
So I'm watching CNN.
There's nothing to follow.
There's nothing to follow, right?
The plane disappeared.
We have no information.
Okay, let's keep talking about it then.
So when you don't have anything to talk about, that doesn't mean they don't talk about it.
They keep talking about it.
So they bring on this guy who hosts this show called Decoded.
I think it's on the history channel, Decoded.
So it sounds like it must be some conspiracy.
I don't know.
He looks into symbolisms around the world and what it means and signs.
It sounds like I don't have enough time to figure out what it means.
And first of all, he brings, so Don Lemon brings this guy on.
They're going to talk about the Malaysian air flight.
And here is, first of all, here's the first thing he says.
They're talking about it.
Could it be a conspiracy?
And he says this.
It's where every conspiracy falls apart.
How do you keep everyone quiet?
Okay, that's not where that's okay.
So here's the thing.
People say, whenever you say there's a conspiracy to do something, there are people like, how could they possibly keep everyone quiet?
They don't have to keep everyone quiet.
I don't know if you noticed, but we invaded Iraq in plain sight on a lie, and everyone knew it was a lie.
Okay, so if you're going to have a conspiracy, do it in plain sight and nobody cares.
They had a conspiracy to commit war crimes and torture people.
And then Dick Cheney went on Sunday afternoon television in white pants and a blue blazer and bragged about it to Chris Wallace on Sunday afternoon television.
So there's no conspiracy.
He did this to Charlie Rose just a couple weeks ago.
And he just did it to Charlie Rhodes.
He bragged about ordering war crimes.
So do the conservation.
So this thing that you could never do anything that involves a conspiracy is bogus.
The conspiracy was to get into Iraq no matter how we had to get in there.
And no, but don't worry about it.
If somebody finds out, we lie about it.
And that's exactly what.
So that whole idea of they could never keep it secret is bogus because if someone comes out with the truth, they just discredit them.
So this, I just hate when people say that.
When you have it, I just wanted to say that.
I just hate when people do that.
So they go on.
And Don Lemon, I know.
Vietnam was a goddamn conspiracy.
We found out it was all built on a lie.
The Gulf of Tonkin was a lie.
It's a conspiracy.
That whole war was a lie, conspiracy.
The Iraq war was a whole lie.
It's a conspiracy.
What are you talking about?
There aren't conspiracies that they can't keep their, you know what I'm talking about, Robert?
Am I wrong?
What am I missing on this?
It's a longer discussion.
Okay, let's not get into it.
Okay, thanks.
So I appreciate you.
So here, Don Lemon, so they sit around.
They have no evidence to figure out what's wrong with this plane, where it went.
He has on this guy from Decoded, right?
Which doesn't sound like it's going in a good way, right?
Why are you having a news show, interviewing somebody from Decoded, a TV, to talk about what happened to this plane?
And so here's what Don Lemon says.
Are you ready?
Get ready for this.
Brad.
I'm glad you brought that up.
Because we have been talking about this.
I've been getting questions from viewers on social media, through email, and even on the streets.
Especially today, on a day when we deal with the supernatural.
He's talking, no, he was this was on St. Patrick's Day.
He was doing this.
So that's it.
I don't know if you know, St. Patrick's Day is the day we deal with the supernatural.
Supernatural of drinking.
St. Patrick's Day.
Yes, that's what he said.
It's a supernatural.
The crazy story about the Irishman who was in a drunk.
Yes, that's so.
Anyway, so that's today when we deal with the supernatural.
So Don Lemon goes on.
We go to church, the supernatural power of God.
You deal with all of that.
People are saying to me, why aren't you talking about the possibility?
I'm just putting it out there that something odd happened to this plane.
Something beyond our understanding.
Okay, I'll tell you why.
When people ask you, why aren't you talking about the possibility that something beyond our understanding happened?
You mean like mysterious?
You mean like supernatural, Don?
I'll tell you why you shouldn't be talking about that.
Because you're on a fucking news channel.
That's why.
Because you're doing a news show on a news channel.
It says CNN right in the corner of the screen.
And I'm pretty sure that doesn't stand for not news.
I think that stands for news network, not speculation about the supernatural.
Hocus poke.
Hey, is magic real?
We'll talk to Don Lemon tonight on CNN.
For the same reason, when there's a tornado, we don't go, was it gay sex?
Was it gay sex that did that?
Yeah, it might have been.
Hey, there are some things, Robert, that may be beyond our understanding, like the mysteries of the universe, the origins of complexity, the TV career of Woltz Blitzer.
But a plane that hasn't been located yet is not one of those things that is beyond our understanding.
Did Done was over a gigantic ocean and it probably went down.
So the fact that people can't find it, it's not the weirdest mystery of all time.
Oh, you don't think it was a ghost?
Well, it certainly wasn't a friendly ghost.
I don't know.
Don Lemon, should we call FAA or Crescent?
Who should we get on this?
I mean, that's a news guy.
That's the news guy.
And so, okay, so now he throws it back to the Dakota.
I mean, Don Lemon, the Dakota guy who, again, from the history channel.
Yes.
The history channel, which has turned into this.
To this.
Yes.
Yes, right.
So, and by the way, Don Lemon is what Carneys call a mark.
Okay, just so you know.
So now the Dakota guy, listen to, so he's going to, so he throws it back to the Dakota guy, and listen how he sums up the whole thing.
This is great.
I've never heard a guy state the obvious more convincingly than this guy.
And we all, you know, we all kind of roll our eyes at conspiracy theories.
But what conspiracy theories do is they ask the hardest, most outrageous questions sometimes.
But every once in a while, they're right.
Yeah, like how do you spell Helium Monster?
Stuff like that.
Right.
Those are some of the toughest questions you're ever going to get.
No, anyway, so here we go.
And that's what we have to remember here.
I mean, right?
I think why it's captured our attention is because there is no logical explanation right now.
Right?
You can say, oh, it crashed into the ocean.
Sure, you could say that.
Sure, you could say that.
You could say that.
There's no logical explanation.
Of course, there is.
What are you talking about?
It crashed into the ocean.
What are you talking about?
But something just seems, where are the parts?
Where are the pieces?
Why did it keep going for seven hours?
Why do you have a guy on board who gives his watch and his ring to his wife and says, keep this for my boys in case something happens to me?
I don't know.
Maybe because he's getting on a plane and he has a feeling.
I don't know.
Maybe.
What is this?
There are couples who won't fly on the same plane because they're afraid that if there's a crash, they want one of them to be alive for their kids.
So that's a very normal thing to have some kind of take some kind of precaution just in case something happens.
Yes, but I love this guy.
He's saying he's going, so this, there's so many unanswered questions.
Why did it keep flying for seven hours?
Why did it go?
Why are there no wreckage?
I don't know.
I guess that means it's probably Martians.
That's what I'm guessing.
Well, I mean, you know, I mean, if I came on CNN with my theory that Jack Reacher was the in-flight movie and it was a mass suicide, that's just as logical as anything they're saying.
Actually, it's more logical.
It's actually more logical, Frank.
That's actually more.
Hang on, he's got more to say.
Now, watch how he just keeps stating the obvious as if it's some kind of profundity.
That's not some stranger.
He's a mechanical engineer.
Something smells wrong.
And, you know, one of my favorite reporters once said to me that the American people always will sniff for the truth until they find it.
Yes, right?
And that's why we know who killed Kennedy.
Why he...
And he's not talking about sniffing for the truth.
He's talking about wildly speculating and fabricating ideas.
I have nothing.
Out of news network.
Yeah.
Here we go.
He's got a little bit more to say.
And there's something about the story that just strikes us at our core where something seems really fishy.
It just smells terrible.
Well, I'm glad we got an expert from the History Channel to let us know that a 777 it strikes us at our core if that core is paranoia.
Go ahead, Frank.
Where was CNN when we were going to war with Iraq?
Where were those people saying, oh, something doesn't quite smell like the truth?
I think it was Alex.
You never heard those people then on CNN.
You never heard anyone on CNN during the entire lead up to the Iraq war say anything remotely like that.
No.
I think it was because it was allergy season.
Yeah, it was probably they couldn't sniff, right?
When did we go?
We went into Rector and LG season, just like Steph says.
I believe we got an expert to weigh in on the jumbo jet that disappeared without a trace and no leads.
He thinks something seems really fishy.
Wow, Frank, you know, me as a layperson, I would have never suspected something fishy was going on.
A jumbo jet disappears without a trace and no explanation.
I think that just sounds like normal operation, doesn't it?
But thank God, CNN got an expert in this sort of thing, and he thought of a possibility that nobody thought of before, that there's something fishy happening here.
Thank God.
He goes on with some more, he's going to state some more obvious, Frank, as a profundity.
Here it comes.
You know what?
When that happens, I'm not one of those believers in, you know, the aliens came down or anything like that.
But you do have to stop and go, how does a jetliner with almost 200 people on it disappear?
How are they just gone?
Okay, he's right.
When a jetliner with almost 200 people on it disappears from radar without a trace, you really do have to ask how a jetliner with almost 200 people on it disappeared without a trace.
You really do have to ask that.
That's what he just said.
And then Don Lehman Lemon goes, absolutely.
Absolutely.
He just said when a jet goes down, you have to ask, why did the jet go down?
You really do.
And he said it as if he was really asking some penetrating question.
And it so much drove me crazy that I'm going to play it again.
But you do have to stop and go, how does a jetliner with almost 200 people on it disappear?
How are they just gone?
Absolutely.
Oh, Don Lemon, absolutely.
You do have to ask that question.
Absolutely.
Ben and Jerry has a new sorbet called Don Lemon.
You open it up, there's nothing inside.
Ha!
Ha!
*music*
Somebody's calling me.
They want to talk about the Malaysia thing.
I don't know who this is.
Let's see who this is.
This is Jimmy.
Hello, Mr. Door.
This is Dave, the aviation expert you called to talk about the Malaysian Flight 370, the mystery flight of the damned.
I didn't call anybody.
As an aviation expert, I am qualified to speculate wildly about the spooky disappearance of Flight 370, the flight of the damned.
Hey, listen, I'm sorry.
I didn't call anybody.
And what makes you an expert?
I am glad you asked, Mr. Door.
I have been a flight attendant for well over seven years at Southwest Airlines.
That doesn't seem like it qualifies.
I have also worked the door at the Oscar Wilde bar in Key West, where I learned all about terrorism.
That doesn't qualify you to talk about terrorism.
Excuse me, but if you've ever dealt with a coked-out lesbian trying to hijack the karaoke, you know a little something about terror.
There are so many things wrong with what you just said.
Well, we here at the My Blog have narrowed the possible fate of Flight 370 down to three possibilities.
Okay, go ahead.
Let me hear them.
First, the plane was sucked out of time, space to a place where terrifying creatures consume reality as we know it.
I'm sorry, but isn't that the plot to the Langoliers?
Yes, Jimmy.
Stephen King's masterpiece, the Langolier, leading us once again to ask the question: is there anything Stephen King cannot teach us?
No one has ever asked that question.
Possibility number two.
There never was a Flight 370, and we have been punked by the clever and dreamy Ashton Kutcher.
Hey, you know what?
That would be a pretty elaborate hoax, though.
Not for the master of mirth.
That is our Mr. Kutcher.
Through sheer charm and guile, he convinces Malaysian airlines and the Malaysian government to pretend they are missing an airplane.
Then he kidnaps 250 would-be passengers and keeps them at his ski chalet in Aspen.
And in a week or so, we'll all have a good laugh.
That doesn't sound like a good joke at all.
Jimmy, it's hysterical.
Yeary numero trace.
Sasquatch attack.
A Sasquatch, or as they are known in the Orient, yet he disguises himself or herself.
You're such a nerd.
Dave, Dave, don't you think don't you think it's a little irresponsible to say these things when we really don't know anything?
Don't know anything, Jimmy.
Oh, contrary.
Malaysian authorities have told us many things.
Most of which have been unreliable or just useless.
I mean, they don't seem to know anything more than anyone else.
Jimmy, you just don't get it.
Malaysian authority reports are like jazz.
It's the information they don't say.
Isn't this the sort of an isn't the simplest answer the most likely?
Certainly, which leads me to my final theory.
Jesus did it.
I got to go, Dave.
What's the matter, Jimmy?
Did I just lay down too much truth for you?
No, you know, I just got a thing to do.
I'll talk to you, Dave.
Okay, I get it.
You got a thing.
Like hang out with your best bud, Ashton Kutcher, maybe.
Okay, that was our flight expert on the Malaysia.
I didn't call him.
He called me, and he wouldn't stop talking.
Stop talking.
But you know what?
His theory is just as good as anybody else's.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Thank you.
So Wisconsin, they're having a battle of ideas, the Republicans and the Democrats led by Scott Walker, and they're not so sure about their ideas.
So what they're going to try and do is suppress the votes.
Right?
So that's happening.
Sure.
In 2011, they passed the voter ID law in Wisconsin, which is still in the courts.
And they're doing a bunch of things.
They're really making a big push right now.
They're trying to get voting hours reduced.
Yes.
Which is bizarre, especially given the fact that in the last election, there were many places where there were people waiting until in line until like midnight to vote.
Yes.
Yes.
I'm not the first person to say this, but Election Day should be a national holiday.
Yes, it should be a national holiday.
It should be on the weekend.
It should be from Friday to Monday.
It shouldn't be like the way we do it.
The way we do it is based on 1800s law and when we still were a farming society.
And so, yeah, and of course it's not going to get fixed because the people in power don't want it to be fixed.
Hey, we want to give more power to people without power right now.
No thanks.
No, thanks.
And, you know, all this stuff.
The only way Republicans feel they can preserve democracy is by preventing people from voting.
Yes, that's kind of ironic, right?
And they're always talking about the virtues of the free market, and then they try to suppress the vote because they really don't want to hear from the free market.
Okay, that's how that works.
So Dan Schultz, he's a legislator from Wisconsin in the state capital there, and he's had it.
He's had it.
He's leaving office.
He's facing a primary from this right.
He's considered a moderate, even though he voted for the voter ID legislation.
But he's had it.
Here he was on a news.
He was on a radio show, and he said this about Wisconsin, the Republican Wisconsin's efforts to suppress the vote.
I don't see how you can claim to be improving things by actually reducing hours, as illogical as that sounds.
I am not willing to defend them anymore.
I'm just not.
And I'm embarrassed by this.
I just see it as plain wrong.
It is all predicated on some belief that there are nasty fraud irregularities, something my colleagues have been hot on the trail of for the last three years and have failed miserably at demonstrating.
Okay, so yes, there he is.
The guy's leaving office, and it took him 23 years for this guy to grow a conscience.
Sadly, it took him longer to grow some guts.
So, yeah, he's more than a lot of people have.
Yeah, I guess so, Frank.
I guess so.
I guess give this guy the Al Gord Award for political bravery.
That's what I would say.
Really?
You're on your way out.
Now you're going to stand up to him.
Now you're going to call them out for being crazy and hurting our country.
Now is when you're going to do it.
Come on.
That's the lesson here is that if you want Republican lawmakers to actually start doing something for good reasons, primary them.
Yeah.
You know?
Yeah.
Let them know that they're not getting their job back, and all of a sudden they'll start telling the truth.
And what does it say that we have such a crappy news media that a Republican is more willing to tell the truth about Republicans than the press is?
Right?
You would think that if somebody was trying to suppress the vote in America, every newsman would be on top of his desk screaming at the top of his lungs.
Of course, that isn't happening.
Instead, the people who are trying to suppress the vote are brought on Sunday talk shows and treated with the utmost respect.
Yes, they're acting like they have a legitimate position.
Well, he says he's not trying to suppress the vote.
Let's talk to him.
Hey, Bull Connor, you say you're just trying to keep that bridge clear.
He's just trying to keep the streets clear.
Let's bring out Bull Conner.
Hey, thanks for coming on, Bull Connor.
I really appreciate it.
Thank you very much.
You're such a good guy.
So that's exactly right.
The press has to pretend that everything's equal, that no one's a pariah.
No one is.
Again, I would love to see David Gregory and Tom Broca on 1930.
Well, Hitler says it's the Jews' fault.
Roosevelt said it's not.
Well, I guess we'll find out later.
I don't know.
Nowhere else would this kind of, and that's what's happening right now.
The Fourth Estate, as Robert has always liked to mention, journalism is one of the three professions mentioned in the Constitution.
Am I correct about that?
Yes.
And they're not doing their job.
And our society, this inequality, we have 50% of people in America make less than $30,000.
People going bankrupt when they get sick.
That's the kind of jobs going overseas to slave live.
This is the kind of world that we get when that kind of stuff happens.
This is the kind of world.
Hello.
I'm Harley Barber.
Hi, Governor.
I just want to set the record straight about this Louie Gohmert about setting the record straight about Sarah Pylon.
Okay.
So for our listeners, for some reason, Congressman Gohmert felt the need to go to the floor of the house to explain the inaccuracies of a Saturday night live sketch about Sarah Palin from six years ago.
Is that right, Governor?
You shot the turn out of my knots, Jimbo.
And I, Haley Barber, feel the need to correct the inaccuracies of the Gohmert sketch that he has lost Louis Gomert.
Okay, Governor, go right ahead.
He's a fucking jackass.
Oh, my God, sir.
Total fucking head case.
Damn.
Crazy.
Kind of an all-around dick.
Really?
Look, ain't it?
Governor, I'm really surprised to hear you talking about a fellow Republican like this.
I'm Haley Barber.
Really, Governor?
Let me tell you something.
If I'm the point of that SNL sketch Didn't go far enough Ha ha ha Ha ha ha So this is the sketch in which Governor Palin said she could see Russia from her house when what she actually said was one could see Russia from Alaska.
Timbo, sir, don't even know that much about geography.
Hell, she's on every out of rain.
Governor, are you saying that Sarah Palin, who came very close to being Vice President of the United States, is illiterate?
Take clear words, Jimmy.
How do you know this?
She told me.
Hell, she told everybody who listened.
She thinks it's the most golden road thing of matter.
I'm not one of those egghead liberals or Bellway insiders.
I can't even write my own name.
Swear to God, Jimmy.
I was there when someone asked her to sign something and she just raised her hand and made a turkey.
This is incredible, Governor.
How is it that this has never come to light before?
No, I've never asked her.
And the doubt, Dimbo, if someone had asked her point blank, can you read?
She would have said not a word and then rolled right into some other inn, you know, blandering.
What about when she was asked what papers or magazines she reads?
And she said, I read everything.
Well, near as I can tell, all she thinks looking at pictures is reading.
Ray Presser, for example, I'm pretty sure she would have said Ziggy and Clifford, the big red doll.
I'm Haley Barber.
Yes.
Yes, I know.
Let me be clear here, Jimbo.
These are not my people.
The Grand Old Party is not about this dumb and crazy ship.
We are about evil.
We are about making money on the banks of the environment and poor people.
We are about coded racism and frat boy foreign policy.
We're about denying women health care and equal pay.
We're about scapegoating the Mexicans and almost.
I'll tell you one thing.
We know what we are doing the whole gold dang time.
Governor.
Governor Barber.
Yes, Governor Barber.
Why do you think Representative Gomert felt the need to give this speech?
Oh, he likes Sarah, you know.
Like he lacks her.
I get you.
And this is just the only way he knows that.
It's present.
He does this once in a while.
Remember that terror babies comment?
Yeah, that's where he claimed terrorists were being sent here in pregnant women.
That's the one.
Yeah.
That was his way of letting Condi Ross know he had some jungle fever for her.
Really?
For real.
Sure.
Just the other day, he called me and he told me, I'm going to make a space that's going to make Sarah Palin want to get me a handy in the backseat of my Corolla.
I got a head.
Me and the boys got to go do some southern crap.
You wouldn't understand.
I'm sure I wouldn't.
Haley Barber has left the chat room.
I'm a helly barber.
I'm a helly barber.
Hey, what's coming up in the premium content this week?
We've got another phone call.
Putin, President Putin calls in again in the premium content.
Plus, we have a Mitch McConnell phone call.
Plus, a lot lot more happens.
Oh, the voting against women coming on television repeatedly advocating against their own interests, women who are against equal pay for women.
We have a whole segment on it.
We didn't have time to get to it in today's podcast, but we'll get to it on the premium.
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Isn't that exciting?
It is to me because it's my show and it's my first app.
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Okay, that's fantastic.
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You know what?
I'm going to play some stuff next week.
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All right.
Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Frank Conniff, Mike McRae, Robert Yasamura, Mark Van Landuitt, and Steph Zamarano.
All the voices today performed by the inimitable, the one and only Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcrae.com.
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Okay.
I'm going to see everybody in Cincinnati.
That's right.
Since the first week in Cincinnati, April 4th through 6th, I'm going to be in, I think it's the 3rd through 6th at the Go Bananas in Cincinnati, John Boehner's district.
We're coming there to tell jokes.
So there's a link for tickets over at jimmydoorcomedy.com.
Looking forward to seeing everybody in Cincinnati.
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