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Feb. 22, 2014 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show!
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
...up-minded, lowly-livered lefties.
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper say.
It's hard to talk to you, TV.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dorm.
Hey, everybody, welcome to this week's episode.
It's going to be a special episode.
And by special, I mean, I'm taking some material that is only previously aired as premium content, and we're going to share it with the regular podcast listeners today.
Because this week, we did our special show, the live left, right, and ridiculous show we did at the fake gallery last night with Jenk Uger.
And Paul Gilmartin was hilarious, as his Republican character, Richard Martin.
Also, Ben Mankowitz was on that show.
Thanks to everybody who made it out.
Another fun sold-out show over at the Fake Gallery that will be doing more of those.
So this week we're going to be airing some stuff.
JP Morgan Chase got sued, and we only learned out about their criminality because a foreign company sued them.
Not that our government investigated them.
Plus, we're going to talk about Rick Sanders.
Got some problems with Obama here that reveals his bravenness.
Jeb Bush flip-flops on immigration, which reveals the Republicans' problem with immigration.
You get phone calls from John Boehner, Drunk Bill O'Reilly.
Herman Kane calls in, plus a lot lot more.
Let's get right to this week's Jimmy Dore show.
A Belgian French bank named Dexia filed suit against J.P. Actually, is their full name, Dexia Night Runners.
I was going to say, shit.
I should have just said that.
It sued JP Morgan and it claimed that it had been duped into buying $1.6 billion of troubled mortgage-backed securities.
And what did they find out?
Well, let's let our little minor bird of corporate business tell us.
Here's Maria Bartafluco.
Internal emails on covering a lawsuit against JPMorgan Chase now show that employees may have known about serious flaws with thousands of home loans leading up to the financial crisis.
You know what?
She should be required to say duh after that.
No duh.
Really?
Really, minor bird?
Internal emails on covering a lawsuit against JPMorgan Chase now show that employees may have known about serious flaws with thousands of home loans leading up to the financial crisis.
Wow, so what she's saying is that those rotten pricks turned out to be rotten pricks.
What a twist that is.
Boy, it took corners to investigate J.P. Morgan Chase?
Yes.
So what happened was that the people who are supposed to be doing the investigating, which is the government, didn't.
And this is actually, Robert, don't you say this is a good case for privatization?
It wasn't even an investigator.
What they did was they filed a discovery motion, which is normal procedure.
And even worse, JP Morgan had done their own internal audit that turned all of this up in 2006.
And what's even more galling than that is that anybody looking at the books should have been able to see it because their mortgage-backed securities department went from virtually nothing in 2004 to $25 billion a year later.
The SEC regulates Wall Street, sweetheart, and they didn't do it.
And then, of course, it all, the Attorney General is supposed to investigate.
There's lots of people who can investigate, and nobody's doing it.
Investigators from the government aren't standing up to Wall Street.
And so what you're telling me, what Maria Bartaromo is telling me, is that JP Morgan Chase employees knew that the stuff they were selling was garbage.
If that's true, that goes against nothing that we already knew about them.
This is the crappiest mystery ever.
And of course, it was complete news to Maria Bartafuco.
She had no idea this.
Wow, they never told me that was going on.
So they did the, so you're right.
They did discovery, and their emails revealed that JP Morgan hired independent analysts to review the quality of their home loans prior to the market collapse, just like you said, Robert.
And their own independent analysis found.
By the way, two years prior to the market in 2006.
Yes.
Yes, and this is in 2006.
They found that up to 80%, 80% of the mortgages did not meet the underwriting standards that JPMorgan had placed on themselves.
And that JP Morgan placed these poorly written mortgages with complicated securities and then sold them to investors without pointing out the risks.
The emails changed.
The only thing the only thing more poorly written than that was last night's episode of Smash.
By the way, what was even more galling.
And by the way, before you put a mortgage into a security, it's usually not very old, a very old mortgage.
A substantive number of the mortgages that they discovered were already in default.
They were already defaulting on those mortgages.
They packaged them up in securities anyway.
Anyway, anyway.
But you guys, I don't think you have to worry about anything because Wall Street's really doing well.
Yes.
Well, hang on.
So JP Morgan, the emails, they made, this is what, according to the newspaper, said, the documents made it very clear that the financial firm knew what it was doing and that despite the flaws in the system, they proceeded to continue producing bad loans anyway.
In fact, their own internal investment.
It sounds almost unethical.
In fact, like we talked about, their own internal investigation in 2006 found that out of one sample of loans, say sample 214 loans, nearly half of that sample pool were defective and did not meet their own writing standards.
Moreover, the borrowers' incomes were also dangerously low when compared to the size of their mortgage, and thousands of borrowers had already fallen behind on their payments during that time.
Just like you said, Robert.
Despite the poor loans and non-payments from borrowers, J.P. Morgan's emails give evidence to how the financial firm dismissed those critical assessments, even altered them, and how certain J.P. Morgan employees had the power to ignore and veto bad reviews.
Because I don't know if you remember, this is how Congress talked to JP Diamond or JP.
Jamie Dimon was head of JP Morgan Chase this entire time.
Yes.
And here's Senator Bob Corker giving him the third degree.
You're obviously renowned, rightfully so, I think, as one of the most, you know, one of the best CEOs in the country for financial institutions, Jim Mess.
So there you go.
That's a real tough grilling.
Dressed him down.
It would have made sense if he had said you're one of the best CEOs in the country.
Not for financial institutions, but for other things.
For other things.
No, for financial institutions, which is a little weird.
So that's how they used to talk about Jamie Dimon in Congress.
They probably still do.
Here is whoremonger in chief, Elliot Spitzer, and here's what he has to say.
Jamie Dimon had the best PR in the world.
His bank.
Time and time again, fraud, misbehavior, corruption from the LIBOR to the London Whale to securitizing Baghdad.
The mythology of Jamie Dimon should be ripped apart.
People should know the truth about J.P. Moore.
I don't know if you heard that, but somebody just said Jamie Dimon isn't a money Jesus.
And the last guy who said something like that got swallowed by a sinkhole in Florida.
Well, and also, it might have something to do with why not just his personal peccadillos, why um elliot spitzer was was drummed out of office and had no support when he got in trouble because he uh he raised issues like yes he actually prosecuted these people on wall street and that's why he you're exactly right so i just really Elliot Spitzer, you don't want to haul Jamie Dimon in front of Congress again so everyone can take turns washing his feet and blowing him.
Apparently, apparently, Elliot Spitzer isn't running for office again right now.
I like how he goes that the mythology of Jamie Dimon should be ripped apart.
Yeah, everybody loved Jamie Dimon, but then again, Wall Street has a boner for sociopaths.
And I say, Frank, thank God the truth has finally come out about Jamie Dimon and J.P. Morgan Chase.
And maybe now the White House will be forced to continue doing nothing.
The investigative anti-crime team that went after Wall Street in the last few years, there's a movie about them coming out called The Touchables.
So here's what Jamie Dimon used to say before this lawsuit revealed that they're all criminals.
Even though we knew they were, this is before it got revealed.
So here's what he used to say about Wall Street not being punished.
Here's what he used to say.
Look, I think you could say these bad actors should be punished.
Go punish the bad actors.
I think when you say that Wall Street, well, I think that's not true.
Not everyone in Wall Street was bad.
No, there was a guy who read a hot dog cart who was a pretty good dude on Wall Street.
But salt of the earth.
So according to him, we should punish the bad actors.
Well, that's for first of all, why do you got to bring on John Claude Van Dammen to this?
Second of all, so that means him.
So now, according to Jamie Dimon, we should punish Jamie Dimon, right?
Should we punish you, Jamie?
Should we punish you?
But we need solutions.
You know, finger-pointing, scapegoating, Jan is greening.
I've never seen it.
What about a counterfeit?
So now, if we're going to punish the bad actors, Jamie Dimon says, yeah, but pointing fingers never solved anything.
We need to solve problems.
And by the way, in the middle of all this, in the middle of all this.
And we should report tonight that this afternoon we learned that the banking industry recorded its highest earnings since before the financial crisis.
Oh, and that's good news if you're rooting for unlimited greed and corruption.
I don't understand why Jamie Dimon says finger pointing wouldn't do any good.
I think it would do a lot of good if people stood in front of Jamie Dimon, pointing a finger at him saying, arrest the son of a bitch.
I agree.
Arrest him.
Yes.
See that guy?
I'm pointing my finger at him.
Hey, Frank, he's a job creator because eventually, one day, he will create a job.
Isn't that amazing that?
He literally is a job.
A job.
A job creator.
One.
Wall Street can go through the roof without any jobs, jobs created.
Yes.
But if they go down, they take all the jobs with them.
That is an amazing system.
I don't get that.
Yes.
Yes.
So here, how do we fix the problem, whoremonger Elliot Spitzer?
Here's what he says.
Well, look, the solution is that since 1975, median family income has been flat.
Wages have been flat because we have permitted the tax burden to shift to the middle class and the poor.
And we have exempted the wealthy.
We have broken down union rules that have permitted unions to organize.
We've also had technology and globalization, two things we can't repeal and shouldn't repeal.
But we need social policies that begin to help the middle class, which means changes in tax policy, rules relating to organization.
Unfortunately, all the laws are written by wealthy people.
So if you're in the middle class, you might want to move to a country where they actually give a shit.
And you wonder why Elliot Spitzer isn't in power anymore.
Yeah.
You know what else we need, Ellie?
We need a progressive Supreme Court, which we'll definitely get within the next 20 or 30 years.
Yeah.
We need a progressive Supreme Court.
Jimmy, it's Boehner.
Oh, God.
Do you hear that?
That's been happening for weeks, man.
Maybe I got some kind of Tourette syndrome where I just keep saying right-wing talking points.
We're fighting them over there so we don't have to fight them here.
You see?
Holy footballs, man.
I don't even know who I am anymore.
I was nailing my wife the other day and shouted out something about the marginal tax rate.
Want to know the really fucked up thing?
She liked it.
She fucking loved it.
Now, this is a thing.
I'm a giving lover, Jimmy.
I think about my lady's needs, and by needs, I mean that orgasm, if you know what I mean.
The lady's going to be with me.
She deserves a satisfactory orgasm or better.
We need to eliminate all the uncertainty in the market.
Oh, sorry.
Now, if I want Mrs. Bader to arrive in the great state of orgasm, I've got to feed her a never-ending stream of political rhetoric.
By her next anniversary, I'm probably going to have to put a Trojan twister in my ass and do Lincoln's second inaugural.
Class warfare, big government.
Willie Horton, Whaley Horton.
I'll even know if I believe this stuff.
I'll even know if I believe anything at all anymore.
Was I born?
Am I even alive?
I don't know.
Is there a God?
Or is it all Greek and Roman?
What if I should have been praying to Apollo this whole time, man?
What if I've hangered to the Zeus?
Ronald Reagan shouldn't be the fifth face on Mount Rushmore.
He should be the only face on Mount Awesome.
I got to see a doctor about this.
But I'm a Republican.
We don't believe in psychiatry.
Mental illness is just an excuse for the moral failings of poor people.
One of my daughters once told me she was depressed, so I kicked her in the vagina.
Wait, I know what it is.
Somehow I got a ring or an amulet or something that was cursed with Lee Antwater's ghost.
I need an exorcism.
Or to murder Mike Dekakis.
Okay, I got this though.
Problem solved, Jimmy.
Thanks for letting me talk that one out.
Tongue paddle my abroids, you sissy whore.
So Jeff Bush is on a campaign to lose the 2016 CAF primary because he first, first of all, last year he was really progressive as far as the Republicans go for immigration.
Here's what he used to say last year.
Here's what he said about immigration last year.
Either a path to citizenship, which I would support, and that does put me probably out of the mainstream of most conservatives.
Yeah, look, I'm for a path to citizenship.
Look how reasonable I am.
I'm not even carrying a pitchfork.
So he still says, so that's what he was saying last year.
So then he wrote a book.
He wrote a book, right?
All by himself?
I'm sure he had help.
So he goes on.
I'm surprised he read a book.
I'm sure he goes on Morning Joe to sell his book, right, Frank?
Am I correct so far?
I believe you're right.
He did.
He was considering going on a news program, but he went on Morning Joe.
Instead, right.
So here he is.
And here's what he says on the news show about immigration.
So anybody that had come illegally would have immediately a path to legalization.
So he's saying that anybody who came here, and they're going, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Your book, in your book, you say this.
This is what he says in his book about immigration.
A grant of citizenship is an undeserving reward for conduct that we cannot afford to encourage.
So he's saying that he can't, in his book, he was against giving citizenship.
The book he's selling now, he's against giving citizenship to people who come here illegally because we can't reward that kind of conduct.
We can't encourage people to come here illegally, right?
So he changed his mind between going to press and the two of them.
So it seems kind of inconsistent, but how much good did it, you know, so he's just, he seems inconsistent.
But Jimmy, books always get changed when they're made into movies.
Yes, they like with him.
Yeah.
Gotting changed when it's getting made into a Morning Joe appearance.
Well, it was like he remembered all of a sudden when he was writing that book, hey, I got to win over all those rednecks to get the primary, right?
So they say this.
What better way to get to them than through a book?
So here he says, so they go, hey, wait a minute, you said the opposite in your book.
And here's how he responds.
We wrote this book last year, not this year.
Okay.
Hey, I take the opposite positions in odd and even-numbered years.
You know that.
And by ball, really, that was my book.
It was a typo.
We're going to change it in a paperback.
Don't worry about it.
I feel really strongly about everybody following the laws of our land, but that's the guy from last year talking.
The name of the book is Don't Hold Me to Any of This.
Yeah, I'm all for a path to citizenship, especially if it's now political suicide to be against it.
Yeah, he's all for it.
So this is, again, this problem that the Republicans are having with how to deal with brown people that they don't want.
And I just realized from listening to Steve's rant at the top of today's show was that the reason why they don't want to give citizenship to illegal immigrants is because they fear they're all going to then vote and they'll vote Democratic.
And the Democratic Party is onto that.
For instance, there's the strategist who's putting Texas in play.
Right.
Because he knows that if the pure demographics of Texas win out, it turns into a Democratic state.
And Jimmy, I think you mentioned once about the whole idea, if they become citizens, then they'll be able to have better working conditions and be able to participate.
Yes.
They'll be able to participate in the democracy and be full functioning citizens.
Correct.
So to be fair, Jeb Bush's book does come with a bottle of white out and a hand.
You can change that.
It's ironic, ironic that he's against foreigners.
This coming from a guy whose family has done business with Nazis.
Yes, yes.
Well, here's what he says.
So now what should we do?
So what is your plan now going forward, Jeb Bush?
What should we do with these illegal immigrants?
Here's what he says.
So going forward, we wrote this last year, going forward, if there is a difference, if you can craft that in law, where you can have a path to citizenship where there isn't an incentive for people to come illegally.
I'm for it.
I don't have a problem with that.
I don't see how you do it, but I'm not smart enough to figure out every aspect of a really complex law.
You know, if you're at Bush running for...
I'm not smart enough to understand how laws work, but I would like to be president.
If you're a Bush, maybe you should stop saying stuff like that.
To be fair, by the way, his brother figured out the best way to keep illegal aliens out of this country.
Crash the economy.
Yeah, which is really, that is keeping because immigration is actually starting to reverse.
Right.
We had 12 million illegal immigrants.
Now we have 11.
Right.
So it's actually going the other way.
There's a thing called the path to getting the fuck out of here.
Well, do you know?
You see, here's the funny thing, is he says he's for letting illegal immigrants become citizens if we can do it in a way that doesn't encourage other Mexicans to come here illegally.
Well, so what he's saying is, I'm for making them citizens if there's a way we can do it that there's no way we can do it.
Citizenship is not the magnet for it doesn't matter.
Make them all citizens.
It doesn't matter.
That is not.
It's jobs.
It's jobs.
It is our economy.
And if our economy is doing well, this is going to happen, period.
All right.
Citizenship does not matter.
You're right.
Well, here's what Rush Limbaugh says is why because even the Republicans are starting to shift and he sees it.
And here's what he says why they're doing that.
The Republicans are in a totally defensive posture and they think that they're losing because they're not enough like Democrats.
Yes, you can't act like a Democrat.
The next thing you know, you're going to start legislating like you're part of the human race.
You can't do that.
Here's what he thinks is really the problem though, right?
What's causing the Republicans to roll?
There is a gay mafia that has inflicted the fear of death, political death in the Republican Party, for example.
There's a gay mafia.
But they always look really nice.
It's a gay mafia.
They dress really well.
Hello, it's called a tea party.
Are people really afraid?
Would you be afraid of the gay mafia?
I got a message that said, tonight, Luca Brazcia sleeps with the Swisses.
That's weird.
Who's that from even?
Now, here is Elena Kagan during the Supreme Court Chief Justice.
No, she's not the Chief Justice, but she's a Supreme Court.
She's one of the justices.
Yeah, she's a Supreme Court justice.
And here, when they were debating the, or they were, I don't know what they, what do they call that when you bring a case in front of the Supreme Court?
Argument.
Yeah, the argument.
Argument.
So here's her, they're in the arguments in front of the Supreme Court.
And they keep saying the people who are against marriage equality keep saying that the state, the government, has an interest in making sure procreation happens in a healthy way.
That's just their idea.
So the state doesn't empty out of people.
So that's, I guess so.
I don't know.
But taxpayers.
So then Elena Kagan says, well, what about people who are 55 years old who get married?
And this is what he says back to that.
even with respect to couples over the age of 55.
It is very rare that both parties to the couple are infertile.
And the traditional No, really, because if a couple She's killing.
She would know.
No, that's why I love comedy because comedy, when people decide, after she said that, it shows how ridiculous what this guy is saying, because a room full of people who never met Elena Kagan, never probably met each other, all laughed spontaneously at the same time.
And what that says is you are a moron.
We're laughing at you.
That's how ridiculous you are that we all are spontaneously laughing at you.
And I think that's why I love comedy because it's the ultimate equalizer.
You can't deny that a whole room full of people just spontaneously laughed at the idea you just presented.
Because you were wrong.
Well, I think, though, you know, if you're over 55, you can have a child if by child you mean a reverse mortgage.
Yeah, maybe.
No, what was it?
It was yours.
Anyway, I said, Frank said, I have heard it.
Frank's a little out of touch.
He can't make the show this week.
He's at MTV pitching America's next reverse mortgage host or something like that.
Probably better than that.
It was funnier last week when I said it.
It was funny.
I guess that show is a little lot better.
So, all right, we're going to close with this.
What?
I thought this was just round one.
No, we're almost done.
So gun legislation doesn't seem like they're going to be able to ban.
They're doing gun legislation.
They're not going to be able to ban assault weapons or high-capacity clips.
Other than that, it's a really great.
Only took a slaughter of 26-year-olds to make that happen.
Not enough children killed, I guess.
He just killed 26-year-olds?
20, not 26-year-olds, but 26-year-olds.
Well, you should put a comma there.
I should put a comma.
So here's the questions.
Here's the NRA chief.
Do you have something to say?
No, no.
Wayne Lapierre.
So he was on with David Gregory on Press to Meet.
And of course, he's just as crazy as ever.
But here's what they want to do.
They want to take this current mess of a system and expand it now to 100 million law-abiding gun owners.
They're talking about background checks.
This is why he's against background checks because it's a mess of a system.
The background checks.
Every time a hunter wants to sell a shotgun to another hunter in Kentucky, every time a farmer wants to sell a rifle to another farmer, like a car.
They want to make him go somewhere.
Where are they going to go down?
A Walmart?
Is Walmart going to want to see him walk in the door?
The local police station, are they going to want to do it?
There's going to be a bureaucracy.
There's going to be a diversion of police resources.
And he just says it like it makes sense.
You know what?
I thought, I thought that, you know, children being slaughtered was a bad thing, but apparently that's not as bad a thing as being slightly slaughtered.
That's paperwork.
Yeah.
Yeah, paperwork.
They got to go down the, they don't want to see them at the Walmart.
Come on.
Okay, again.
Exactly.
The only thing worse than red blood is red tape, fella.
That's a sticker.
That's a sticker or maybe a shirt.
I'm out of here.
Call my guy.
I'm calling my guy.
That's a shirt.
And of course, they pretend that we don't already have to do that for other stuff.
Like, you mean when I sell my car, I'm going to have to go get a thing and switch a title.
They're not going to like to see me coming.
Oh, my.
Who am I going to do that?
Down at the DMV or something?
How can I do it?
The Secretary of State?
It's going to be bureaucracy.
If I want to sell my house, I got to get a title search.
What if I want to drive that car?
Do I got to do something for that?
Oh, I got to get a license now.
There's all.
Oh, my God.
Make no mistake about it, Dor.
I am now pro-homo.
Yes, I know what you're asking.
Why am I suddenly putting my wife in?
I said three words.
Crafty Ratings.
Dragon.
Wow.
Oh, man.
Wow, crappy ratings.
He called around the issue.
He called in again, you guys.
One more time.
Okay, sure.
I'll admit.
I just believe our space program was a bastion for evil gay sex.
And the act for him NASA, which stands for Nerds Admiring Satan's Anus.
No more, Nard Gargler.
And yes, I once compared gay marriage to bestiality.
I now wish to augment that opinion, if I may, someone, and I will, as such.
Thank you.
You here goes.
I no longer feel that way.
Especially in the case of lesbian, gay, girl-on-girl action.
I mean marriage.
Yeah.
That's it.
They're both smoking hot.
Follow me.
No spin there.
No spin.
Oh, sure.
There's bound to be a little bestiality and whatnot, a lesbian marriage, right?
Right?
That's only to be expected.
I mean, if you, and by you, I, of course, mean, not me, go for, let's say, oh, about a fortnight or so without human clock.
You're bound to do something on Two with the neighbors Bray Thane, if you know why I mean, follow me.
Don't argue with me, Doris seeing films.
when they were being filmed.
Oh.
Oh.
Okay, that's our favorite drunk Bill O'Reilly.
And we're coming up against a break.
We've got a lot of stuff coming up in the second half.
We're going to be hearing from Herman Kane, an extended phone call from Herman Kane.
We got Rick Santorum reveals his cravenness.
I don't bother.
We've got a lot more stuff come up in the second half.
Let's get to it.
Well, it's a lot lot more that's coming up on the second half right now.
We're up against a break.
This is the Jimmy Door show on Pacifica.
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All right.
So let's get back to the second half of the show.
Lock it up.
Okay, now on this next phone call, Bill Slur is pretty heavy.
You might not understand what he's saying.
He's talking about Women's International Day and how he's still pro-woman and pro-gay.
So he's talking about International Women's Day.
Okay, here it comes.
Bill, he's drunk.
He is drunk.
Do you know where he is?
He might need to hang out.
He's swearing his words.
He's so drunk.
He is.
And as you know, I'm pro-chick, even when I'm even more than I'm pro-home mold.
See, pro-chick.
Yes, it did come out again.
It's International Women's Day.
It did.
Didn't I?
Come on.
Chick's already got National Secretary's Day, right?
Boom.
And who does all you can eat wings night?
Mother's Day, the exotic erotic ball and burning man.
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
Am I right?
Guys, back me up on this.
Ladies, take a break in a back seat.
Okay.
Now, I don't want the ladies to bag me up on this while the guys take a break.
Ladies, I want you to go back and take two breaks, bring them forward, and combine them into one larger break because the guys are still back to me up.
Guys, give yourselves a break for backing me up while the ladies are taking a break.
All right, ladies.
Alternate between taking breaks and bagging me up on this.
And these students are allowing for the formula where X is a positive real integer over Y and Y is greater than or equal to one.
Now I'll burnt me.
Roger to that.
Oh, man.
He called back one more time.
Whoa, I swear to God.
Jesus, it's fresh and easy really closing.
By the way, I'm thinking of getting my paint rebrown.
And I'm sincerely interested in your feedback.
They're calling it distressed.
Please keep it clean, for God's sake.
Secret style.
F***!
F***!
*music*
All right, so Donald Trump has a university, I don't know, where you can just give him like $35,000 and he'll give you a worthless diploma.
And they promise a lot of stuff they never delivered.
So the New York Attorney General decided to sue him.
He's suing, which is nice.
It's nice to see the Attorney General really getting on the big problems in New York City.
The Trump University wouldn't be Wall Street.
That's not a problem.
We got a thumbnail nail suckers who are signing up for Donald Trump.
Yeah, let's close out a fake school.
So anyway, so CBS is doing a report on it, and they get him on the phone.
They get Donald Trump on the phone, on the phone.
And here's how it goes.
The Attorney General says that Trump University was nothing more than a.
Let me start.
Let me start over.
General says that Trump University was nothing more than a bait and switch operation.
We have an attorney general who's a total lightweight.
He's not popular.
He's done a poor job in New York.
He comes and actually solicits campaign contributions during this civil investigation.
It's incredible.
Okay, so at least he didn't stoop to personal attacks and he kept to the facts of the thing, just like you would expect Donald Trump to do.
Oh, wait, he did the exact opposite.
So that was, isn't that kind of transparent when he just attacks, ah, the guy's a lightweight.
Yeah, but what about the thing he says?
I thought it was interesting how he says he's an unpopular attorney general.
Yeah.
Is there ever a popular?
Nobody ever even knows who they are.
The state attorney general?
Nobody knows who they are.
Who's the state attorney general in California?
I know Molla Harris.
Oh, you lied.
We all know that.
Well, she's attractive.
That's right.
We know who she is.
So Donald Trump.
So here's how the guy closes out the newscast.
He quotes Donald Trump quoting a study about saying people were happy with it.
Here's what he says.
Now, Trump points to a 98% approval rating given by former students.
Wow, 98% approval rating.
That sounds like a good rating, right?
That's pretty good.
I appreciate the news guy bringing me that.
Where was that study from?
In a survey, Trump's company conducted.
Oh, so that's not.
It wasn't skewed at all.
Yeah, so that's really, oh, and that same study that they did a poll in that same study.
98% of the people polled said that Donald Trump was the greatest human being ever.
So I think, I think it's a he's all right.
That's a pretty accurate study.
He's a good landlord.
So what?
So this guy, so this Trump housekeeper keeper comes out and says, no, he's not a dick.
He tips big.
So here's how, so here, I just think it's weird that this is how the guy ends the report by giving us three contradictory pieces of information in succession.
So it's 98% approval, but it's a screw.
The survey is bogus.
And then in a survey, Trump's company conducted.
And Scott, we talked to several who are satisfied with the program.
Well, what is it?
Which is it?
So he's saying that this 98% of the people said they were happy with it, but that's a bogus survey because it was done by Trump's company.
But we talked to some students and they were really happy.
So I guess we'll never know if this is a bogus university or not because of the great job they did over at CBS News.
Why would you end your thing with that?
Hey, by the way, we talked to some students.
They said it was great.
So I just wanted to give you a piece of information that undermines every motherfucking thing I just said.
And I'll end it that way because I'm a mainstream journalist and God forbid I could clear something up for you.
So there's some mysteries that cannot be unraveled.
I'm completely ignorant about Trump University.
That's the first I ever heard of it.
Me too.
You don't know that 98% of the students surveyed approve of this institution?
Oh, I know that, but I never heard of Trump University.
What does he teach?
Business.
Well, here you want to know what it's about.
Real estate seminars.
Donald Trump will tell you.
Here's what it's about.
Trump University is about knowledge about a lot of different things.
Knowledge is good.
A lot of different things.
This is all kinds of crap.
This is part of the program.
You learn about like the Greeks and like how to use tools.
You learn a lot about it.
Yeah, a lot of smart people and stuff and books.
Yeah, you know, pencils.
That wasn't him being interviewed on the sidewalk.
That's in the promo for the Trump University.
This is what they decided to go with.
Trump University is about knowledge, about a lot of different things.
Above all, it's about how to become successful.
Yes, how to become successful.
And we talk about like how many planets there are.
Some people say nine, some say ten.
It gets confusing, but you know, it's about the planet.
Who'd have figured that the Donald Trump University's diplomas weren't worth anything?
Weren't worth the payment.
No.
No, not accredited.
Not accredited.
But I understand they all get their long-form birth certificate.
Yes, I think when they have to sign up, you have to show your long-form birth certificates.
So basically, it makes Jerry Falwell's school, Liberty, look like fucking Harvard.
Yes.
I would, yes, probably.
I mean, that's an actual school.
I mean, it is.
I mean, is it accredited?
But it's an accredited school, sure.
I'm going to Google right now, Liberty University.
Liberty?
They have a football team.
What about Brown University?
It's got to be accredited.
Oh, it is accredited.
Yes, of course.
It's accredited by the Southern Association of Colleges and Schools.
Well, it doesn't count that.
That's good enough for me.
That's not the Southern Southern Association.
Southern Association.
I mean, like, at the end of the day, I mean, Liberty University is an actual college.
I mean, it is.
Well, I'm saying, and they also have a school of law.
Yeah.
That's where Michelle Bachman went, I think.
It's all biblical law, so it really doesn't.
It's all eye for an eye shit, but you know.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
Herman, how do you feel?
The Syria situation.
Did you see the chemical weapon attacks?
Which serious situation?
No, the Syria.
Not serious.
Syria.
But it is still serious, too.
They control the Syria satellites.
Radio, right?
No, no, we're talking about the country in the Middle East.
It's called Syria.
Oh, is that by one of those Uzbekistans?
Yeah, it's.
I don't know where that is.
But blow it up.
Well, how could you be from blowing something up if you don't even really know where it is, Herman?
Well, even better reason to blow things up.
They never made it onto my mental map.
Clearly, they have not contributed to our free market economy.
Well, they certainly, I guess they're not a friend of Wall Street, from what I understand.
Now, Turkey borders Syria.
Iraq borders Syria.
Lebanon borders Syria.
Exactly.
So what's the problem?
I can't see any downside to blowing up one more place.
What do you mean?
We'll be killing people.
That would be the downside, right?
Oh, what's the downside?
Well, we kill a bunch of people.
I don't, you don't know them.
You know them?
No, I don't know him, but that's why you don't want to get dragged into some.
The whole Middle East is like.
The only people you're going to kill over there are people with names like that's too bad.
That's too bad you got killed.
You shouldn't have been living in Syria.
But what is this going to do?
I mean, if we bomb Syria, you know, the people, both sides aren't really good guys in this fight, right?
So we got the Al-Qaeda are aligned with the rebels.
And then, of course, we have Assad, and who's been, you know, killing 100,000 of his people already.
So it doesn't seem to be any winning over there.
You know what I'm saying?
So why should we put?
Well, we'll have to blow up both sides.
We are not going in to blow stuff up to take a side.
We're going into blowing stuff up to create a third side, the American side.
Oh, okay.
I got you.
Which everyone will flock to.
Don't you know how this works in our imagination?
Plus, we got to liberate the women, right, Herman?
Oh, yeah, now you're talking.
Snatch that Burka right off your ass.
Degree now, bitch.
Turn that Burke into a bikini.
One swap of the Fiskers.
The Fiskers?
That's the kind of scissors.
Oh.
So I don't see any downside to this.
Journalists are going to be there.
They're going to need pizzas delivered to their hotel rooms.
I'll make money.
International pizza delivery is the next frontier in the pizza business.
Well, that's all that you need to know.
Did you see John Kerry?
He was very upset about the John Kerry is the Secretary of State.
The ketchup dude?
He married a ball of ketchup.
Right.
He married Teresa Hines Carey.
Yes.
He married Teresa Heinz, and now she's Teresa Heinz Carey.
Her name's Teresa Heinz Ketchup.
No, it's no, listen.
I want to talk about.
No.
I will not listen.
You may tell me things that I might accidentally learn.
That will interfere with my preconceived notion of the world.
Okay.
Big.
We have to go in.
This is just like Saddam Hussein and Iraq.
Yeah, but it turns out he didn't have any weapons that we said, and it wasn't a big illegal war.
He did, and he moved them to Syria.
We got to keep going.
We got to keep following these motherfucking weapons.
I don't know what you guys get out of this.
I hope they move them to Russia next.
We never got those sons of bitches.
Oh, see, this is what I'm talking about.
Okay, yeah.
See, I disagree, Herman.
I think we got to stay out of all that.
You know, the Middle East, this is what it's all like.
They're all fighting each other in different countries.
The same people who are fighting in Iraq are fighting in Syria or fighting.
You know, it's the Sunni, the Shia, and they can't get their acts together.
Sunni, Shia, all those words.
I don't know.
It's no different.
They're all one group of people.
They all speak Muslim.
They all hate America.
Except Israel.
They're the best.
We love Israel.
No, they don't speak Muslim.
They speak Arabic.
Well, what have you been up to lately, Herman, by the way?
Seems like I've been able to get you on the phone all the time.
I know.
Isn't that weird?
What have you been doing?
I've been working on my radio show, just like you.
Oh, how is that going?
People call up for advice, right?
And then you give them advice, then you tell them to go check with an expert, right?
Exactly.
And then I tell them to order pizza.
Have you had a problem the pizza couldn't solve?
You know what?
That's a good question.
Good point.
Hey, by the way, did you hear Colin Powell came out and he was upset with the Republican Party for passing these voter restrict the voter ID laws to suppress the vote?
He should just become a Democrat and be done with it.
We are not trying to suppress any votes.
I'm black.
I was able to vote.
Yeah, I know.
I guess that'd be one of these new laws.
I'd be able to vote.
Ergo, they're not trying to take the vote away from black people.
Why can't people just acquiesce to that simple ass thought process?
Because that's not what's happening.
They actually are trying to conspire to take the vote away from black people and minorities.
Not me.
Me and all my white friends go to vote at the same time.
So, like a true conservative, I don't understand or even acknowledge the existence of a problem unless it affects me directly.
What's wrong, Jimmy?
I got a toothache.
My tooth is killing me.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
I don't have a toothache.
Oh, so you can't understand what it's like?
I don't even think that's a real thing.
Oh, yeah.
See, that's what I get what you're doing.
Okay.
You need to quit whining and pull yourself up by your bootstraps and not have a toothache anymore.
Maybe I'll just go to Zennis.
This is the greatest country in the world.
You don't have a toothache.
Okay.
That's all in your mind.
Pray to Jesus.
Okay.
All right.
Well, listen.
And so have you ever met Colin Powell?
I have.
And how did that go?
Did you guys talk?
We were cordial.
You know, we give each other the, you know.
Yeah.
What is what happened?
We're the brothers in the Republican Party nod.
Yeah.
What is kind of nod is that?
The two black guys in the Republican.
We don't know how to do it.
We're pretty way more awkward than you would imagine.
And we'll look like we're bobbing for apples.
People come on.
What the hell's wrong with you and your neck?
I don't know.
I'm trying to do something cool, but I don't know how to do.
I do it better than he does, though.
Yeah, that's for sure.
He learned it from Alan Keynes.
Alan Keynes makes me look like fucking superfly.
Yeah, yeah, he does.
Well, we're probably veering into territory we shouldn't go to.
Okay, well, that's quite a table, the black table at the Republican Party parties, right?
You, Colin Powell, that guy we just, Alan Keys, JC Watts.
Yeah, there's not many of us, but enough to serve their rhetorical purposes.
Yeah.
Just to give them enough cover to do whatever they want, whether it be demonize Trayvon Martin, suppress the black vote, or invade Iraq.
If white people need cover for their nefarious shit, there's always us token black Republicans around to have their back.
Well, I just told you a secret that I should not have.
I better go.
All right.
Thanks, Herman.
It was great talking to you.
And you don't.
Oh, by the way.
Damage control.
By the way, how are you going to damage control?
How did you celebrate Martin Luther King Day?
I mean, you know, the big anniversary of the speech.
Wait, when was that?
What are we talking about?
It was the 28th, August 28th, Wednesday.
Oh, yeah.
Well, that was something else.
Herman, you don't even know who Martin Luther King Jr. was.
Was he on Hill Street Blues?
No.
Was he an actor?
He wasn't an actor at all?
No, no, Herman.
Martin Luther King.
Was he a safety for the Falcons?
No, Martin Luther King Jr., come on.
Civil rights leader.
Oh, I've heard of his dad.
Martin Luther King Sr.
Yeah, he was famous too, right?
No, I've never heard of him.
It's always been Martin Luther King Jr.
Wow, it's that's this.
Wow.
Now, I really, I get why you're a Republican.
Okay.
Well, Herman, that was amazing.
Thank you.
Thanks for coming in and dropping it on us.
Okay.
Anytime.
I have to go.
All right.
Take care, buddy.
I got nothing else to do.
All right.
That was Herbert Kaye.
All right.
Nice.
That was great.
That was funny.
So now, Rick Santorum, by the way.
First of all, Rick Santorum back in the news, back in national politics.
Didn't we laugh him out of the limelight when we realized all he had to say was don't have sex and education is for pussies?
Didn't we get rid of him then?
And then, so then, did you know what he's done since the last primary election, Frank?
He started a movie studio.
Did you know that?
A Christian movie studio.
Because you know how everyone was saying they wished movies were more like they are on the Hallmark channel?
Yeah.
We did more G-rated ones.
And his first movie, by the way, is called The Christmas Candle.
It's doing slightly worse at the box office than two girls in a cup.
It's going to be in the bargain been at the hobby lobby.
Okay, but he's back.
Rick Santorum is back because the Washington politics slash journalism circle jerk is so bad now that Pol Pot could get a pundit kick, babe.
Wait a minute, Jimmy.
If you're going to be playing me a Rick Santorum soundbite, I can only assume that it's some fringe like website or something.
The one thing I wouldn't imagine, it's not going to be on like CNN or any big network like that, is it?
No, this would be CNN, Frank.
Yeah, this is.
Oh, wow.
So here he is, and he's talking about healthcare.
And just try to follow exactly what he's saying because he unwittingly.
Let me just add that one of the solutions that President Obama tried to accomplish was to let people keep their own insurance.
It turns out that a lot of insurance companies are actually allowing that to happen.
And that could cause even more problems for Obamacare because that means fewer and fewer people get into the exchanges.
And the ones who, at least today, this is just facts, Governor Dean.
The ones to date in the system are much older.
I talked to one insurance company today that a third of their enrollees are over 60 years of age.
That is not how an insurance system will work.
But those are the people signing up.
And the folks who can keep their plans because they're more customized and lower cost will now.
And the folks who are going to get into these exchanges are going to be probably sicker, older.
And as a result, premiums are even going to go higher.
You know, Governor.
So, so that might have been a little complicated.
So let me break it down.
What he is saying was that what he was saying was that the crucial young people won't be getting into the exchanges while older Americans are getting into the exchanges.
This is because the president allowed the people who got thrown off their insurance to get back on it.
And those are largely young people who have terrible salvage insurance that should be illegal in the first place.
The other people in that group who are turning to the exchanges are older Americans who don't yet qualify for Medicare.
People 60 and older, not yet 65.
So his analysis is correct in that the lack of younger people would correct, create a short-term problem, but his heart is not correct in that it was made of fossilized shit because he is complaining.
What he's doing there is complaining about older Americans who couldn't get decent insurance before, but they're getting it now.
That's what he's saying.
Look at there's a third of the people signing up are old people.
They're all people who are sick who are getting insurance.
And okay, I know I said it before.
So he's kind of unwittingly making the case that this bill is bad because older, sicker people are now insured.
They should not be.
That's what he's just saying.
So, you know, Jimmy, I don't know if you noticed, but that when Rick Santorum was talking, he spoke about how, you know, the insurance, he was speaking with the insurance companies and they're sharing this.
I think it's great that Rick Santorum is so worried if health insurance companies are going to be able to survive financially.
Yes.
They're hanging on by a thread.
Oh, boy, he's got his priorities straight, right?
He knows who to worry about.
I got to tell you.
You know, if he was on the Titanic, he was like, who's going to get the banned?
So, and let me just say about Chris Christie.
When he says, I can't fix this in 15 minutes, I can't tell you what my health care plan is in 15 minutes.
I can tell you what my health care plan is in about five seconds.
Single payer Medicare for all solves all our problems.
Jimmy Doer is running for president.
That's it.
I'll vote for him.
That's Cindy Sheehan, who is running for governor of California, and she's been trolling me on Twitter with that handle of Medicare for all because she hates Obamacare.
Well, I mean, we all would rather have single payer.
I mean, but you know, it wasn't politically feasible.
I mean, she really, Ben Nelson was in the Senate, and we couldn't get it passed.
Right.
And but I think that Santorum's main point is that old people are spending all their time applying for health care, and it's cutting into their time applying for reverse mortgages.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Bye.
Bye.
Okay, that is our show for this week.
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Hey, guess what?
Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Steve Rosenfield, Jim Earle, Robert Yasamura, Frank Conniff, Mark Van Landu at Steph Zamorano, and I'm sure there's a few more people in there.
All the voices, of course, performed by the one and only, the inimitable Mike McRae.
And a big shout out to Sean James, who helps us with our computer.
If you've got a problem with your computer, he'll fix it for you right over the internet.
He does it for me all the time.
You send him an email at MacHelp at SeanJames.com, and it's spelled S-H-A-U-N.
He'll get right back to you and fix your computer over the internet.
It's amazing.
Okay, that's it for this week.
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