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Feb. 15, 2014 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program, the Jimmy Dore Show.
This week, legendary comedian Sid Caesar died at the age of 91.
Why do comedians of his generation live so long?
Perhaps it's the therapeutic properties of laughter, or maybe they just want to see their enemies die first.
Caesar will be remembered for the brilliant sketch characters he created for your show of shows in Caesar's Hour.
His groundbreaking live television in the 1950s was a major inspiration for the last six years of comedy, including Saturday Night Live, though he should not be blamed for Happy Gilmore, Deuce Bigelow, or grown-ups too.
Most comedy fans today probably know Caesar best for his performance in It's a Mad Mad, Mad, Mad World.
That movie featured the greatest cast of 20th century comedians ever assembled in one of the least funny comedies ever made.
Though it did have more laughs than Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?
Caesar's career peaked early.
His variety show dominance came to an end when he was famously trounced by Lawrence Welk.
Much like Adley Stevenson was beaten by Eisenhower, thanks to essentially the same people.
Caesar spent decades in relative obscurity watching Mel Brooks, Carl Reiner, and Neil Simon have huge success while he battled personal demons such as drugs, alcohol, and watching Mel Brooks, Carl Reiner, and Neil Simon have huge success.
Unfortunately, much of his TV work was done before the use of videotape and is now lost.
Yet we still have every single episode of Lawrence Welk.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper say...
It's hard to talk to you, T-Daggy.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Everybody, welcome to this week's Jimmy Doer show.
I'm joining the studio to my right from Turner Classic Movies.
It's Ben Makeowitz.
Hey, Penn, how are you?
James, what's going on?
Good to see you.
Also, in the studio with me, hilarious comedian, former writer for The Daily Show.
It's Steve Rosenfield.
Hey, Steve.
Hey, Jimmy, how are you doing?
Good to see you.
And also the host of Comedy and Everything Else, our resident Latina, it's Steph Samurano.
Hey, Steph.
Hola, Jimmy.
Hola.
I like that.
And hilarious comedian from Team Yatsamura, it's Robert Yasamura.
Hey, Robert, how are you, buddy?
I am none the better for your acting.
Okay.
So let's get to some of the jokes before we get to the jokes.
Hey, did you hear there's going to be a big merger?
Comcast Time Warner is mergering.
Mergering, is that a word?
Merging?
Merger.
Thank God.
Are they mergering or merging?
First of all, I think it's great because huge corporate conglomerations always result in uninhibited creativity.
All right, so that's what I think.
Sarah Palin's back in the news.
She slammed Chris Christie.
She did.
She slammed Chris Christie for not leaving office for a shitty reality show like any self-respecting governor would do.
And I don't know if you heard about the prank, the Dumb Starbucks prank.
You read about that dumb stuff.
Somebody opened a store called Dumb Starbucks.
But, you know, I haven't been to Dumb Starbucks, but I have been to Stupid Arby's.
Or they're also known as Arby's.
Arby's.
I got to tell you, I had a big feast at my house this week.
You know, we had some people over, and I made this.
I ate so much food this week, I closed down two lanes of the George Washington Bridge.
That's a lot of food.
That's a lot of food.
You know, the Lego movie's out.
There's a Lego.
Have you seen the Lego movie?
I've not, but all my colleagues saw it and loved it.
I haven't seen it, but I have read The Toy.
And I think it's much better.
Did you hear about Toronto Mayor Rob Ford?
You know, Rob Ford wants to take down the gay pride flag flying over the Toronto City Hall.
But, you know, to be fair, he is opposed to the idea of any kind of human pride.
Rob Ford.
Sure.
The Iraq and Afghanistan wars, you know, they're supposedly over, but not really, right?
Do we still have people there?
And that's the same sinking feeling I have about Jay Leno in the tonight show.
Okay, we got a lot of stuff coming up on today's show.
We're going to talk about inequality and the new bullshit meme on the right about opportunity versus inequality.
Plus, we're going to talk about Obama scares.
There's more Obama scares happening.
The CBO came out with a report, and everybody's scaremongering it.
Plus, we got phone calls today from Chris Christie, Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin calls in from the Olympic, John Boehner, and Vince Vaughn.
This is today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
So guess what happened?
The Republican House passed a bill.
Unbelievable.
Yes, unbelievable.
John Boehner decided to pass a clean debt bill.
Meaning, he stuck his thumb in the eye of the ultra-right wing of his party and said, hey, guess what?
We're not going to fuck with the full credit of the United States, okay?
We're going to go ahead and pay our bills like we're supposed to, like we've done forever.
And so he decided to just go ahead and pass a clean bill.
Couldn't get, we only had 28 Republicans sign.
So he passed the bill, John Boehner, with nothing but Democrat support.
28 Republicans helped him pass the bill.
That was it.
Isn't that weird?
So anyway, he's really bucking the Tea Party and the Freedom Works and all the people on the right.
And I called him, or he called me and left me a message.
And here I'm going to play it for you.
You're Jimmy.
I'm Boehner.
Let's do this thing.
Guess what's not supposed to be a news item above the fold?
When Congress passes a bill, we're not supposed to get attention for that.
It's what we're supposed to do.
Us making the headlight on a clean debt increase is like news flashes every time George Zimmerman passes a black teen without killing them.
Since the Tea Party came to town, a day in which Congress is at all Terry Shivo as the town criers going berserker.
Seriously, man.
These dick bags have made it impossible to get anything done.
I try to get some petty cash to send a girl to Costco for some toilet paper and a bulk pack of bit of honey.
Daryl Isa straight up murdered that fucking intern.
None of us have taken a shit in weeks.
And I am without the sweet nutty goodness of a bit of honey.
Did I want to get some concessions on the debt ceiling thing?
Sure, sure.
But Ted Cruz pretty much ensured that's not going to happen for a decade or more.
Those crazy eyes of the defectives pulled their little stunt, I couldn't get so much as a pack of gum and a hug on this thing.
But I don't even want to tell you what I had to do to get the votes for this.
Okay, I'll just tell you, blowjobs.
Lots and lots of DJs.
For the next two months, if I don't have somewhere to be, I'm going to have a congressional member rubbing my back molars like they're trying to get off the nicotine stains.
Jimmy, I hate this fucking job.
You got to have me here, buddy.
Hey.
Can you go find yourself?
All right, that's John Boehner.
John Boehner called in.
You know, he called me back a couple more times, actually.
So let me actually play, because he did call me back.
He was drinking.
You can tell he's drinking.
He's a little drunk there, right?
You can tell he's drinking.
So let me play that.
He called back, and it wasn't very long.
So let me just go ahead and play it.
And another thing, Jimmy.
You know who could suck a felt right out of my pink hiney?
The Club for Growth.
Fuck it.
All those guys, the Tea Party Patriots, the Heritage Foundation, the Senate Conservatives Fund.
Oh, no.
You're not going to make me speaker anymore.
You mean I won't have to wake up one day to put a bullet in my mouth every morning?
Whatever will I do?
The both of those assholes challenged John Corden.
The jig was up, man.
You think you're going to find a candidate more conservative than the cord man?
Good luck.
Doesn't matter what any of us does.
We're getting primaried.
So I say tear out the condom and damn the torpedoes, man.
From now on, we're going it bareback without loom.
And by the way, Club for Growth?
Seriously?
Was Hal Roach's little rascals already taken?
Can you believe they call that shit a think tank?
I assume by thinking, they mean sitting around playing Uno and grunting because, holy shit.
I got a position paper for those guys the other day.
And it was just feasty spirit of one side.
And the other side it said, we have your family.
Well, guess what, you John Birch wannabe fuckos?
I'm Bader.
I eat guys like you for breakfast.
Well, a Mexican girl bothers me.
I made my bones when you guys were still sucking on your mama's titty because we murdered the local abortion doc.
You want to come after me?
Then you'd better be prepared to kill me.
John Boehner's upset.
He's drunk.
He's drunk.
He's upset.
And guess what he did?
He called me.
He left me a drunk third message, John.
I know, right?
So where is it?
Let's see.
I bet I can find it.
Did I get a little choked up at the State of the Union with Obama mentioned by dad?
Yeah, I did.
Because my dad used to molest me.
cage You say a lot of things drunk you regret.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Thank you.
Okay, for those of you who don't know the CBO, the Congressional Budget Office, it's a non-partisan department that essentially crunches numbers on government programs.
Not surprisingly, Republicans fucking hate the CBO reports, which are based in facts, unlike most Republican reports, which are based in no taxes would help Jesus make cheap oil.
Okay?
So for instance, the CBO routinely disputes the notion that tax cuts create jobs.
And on those days, the Republicans come out and say, shut up, nerds.
That's how they react to that kind of CBO.
That's right.
And for the most part, the news media lets them get away with it because, you know, numbers equals snooze.
Okay?
Yeah, they don't want to talk about it.
But recently, the CBO published a new report on the Affordable Care Act, meaning Obamacare.
And let me quote verbatim from that.
Put up the first thing, Gilbert.
The CBO estimates that the ACA will reduce the total number of hours worked on net by 1.5% to 2% during the period from 2017 to 2024, almost entirely because workers will choose to supply less labor.
So what this means is that, say, some people have a job and the only reason they have that job is because they have an illness, so they have a pre-existing condition and they can't get health care, so they go work this shit job.
They don't want to work, but because they get on their group health care, right?
And then they can't leave that job.
And then they can't ever leave that job because they'll never get health insurance.
They have to stay in these.
Or they could stay in the job and just get COBRA, and that's so inexpensive.
That's only like $18,000 a month.
Right.
So now we understand that.
They understand that.
And you'd have to be either a total dumbass or willfully deceptive to misinterpret the CBO's report, right?
That's the standard choice nowadays.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Senate minority leader, Mitch McConnell.
The CBO report is certainly not pretty.
If you're interested in creating jobs in America, as we all know, they estimate up to 2 million fewer jobs will be created as a result of Obamacare.
Honestly, it's not a surprising report.
All the anecdotes you hear all across the country are that premiums are going up and jobs are being lost.
Okay, so that was complete bullshit, right?
So he's just making that stuff up.
Even his anecdote was inaccurate.
His anecdote about anecdotes was inaccurate.
Yes, yes.
Okay.
So that bullshit that he said was very, very quickly debunked by the media, which is also very rare, by the way, that they debunked it.
And also the next day, Doug Elmendorf, you know, he's the head of the CBO.
I was going to say, that guy sounds like a loser who never gets one.
This guy, Doug Elmendorf, who, in case you haven't seen him, looks like he might be Leonard Malton's slightly less fuckable brother.
He came out the next day after that and cleared it all up and said, no, what's really happening is what we said happening Is that they're not losing.
The ACA isn't making the economy lose jobs.
What the ACA is doing is now freeing people out of dead-end jobs that have to stay in.
And now someone else will come in and do that job.
It's not like that job's going to go undone.
It's not like somebody's getting rid of that job.
Right.
The companies aren't saying we're not going to have this job because of Obamacare.
Correct.
So now the Republicans are kind of trapped.
They put the CBO report in the news cycle.
They're the ones who brought it up.
But it doesn't support their position that Obamacare will rape your children and give you cancer, right?
So now let's enter.
Here comes Soulless Chris Wallace, the bad Wallace.
And he's interviewing head trauma victim Senator Roy Blunt.
And this is a little piece of political theater that sounds like it was written by David Mammet.
Okay.
So Chris Wallace is going to go ahead and ask that same question to Roy Blunt about what's wrong with being.
Here you go.
Play the thing and we'll see.
Senator Blunt, what's wrong with that?
The idea of fewer people locked into jobs.
Well, I think any law you pass that discourages people from working can't be a good idea.
Why would we want to do that?
Why would we think that was a good thing?
See, so see what happens?
As a rule, Republicans, when presented with the truth, respond by repeating their bullshit, which is what he just did.
That's what he just said.
Yeah, you see, you see, here's the thing, Steve.
Anytime people's lives are made easier by government, wealthy people die a little.
You know, I think, Jimmy, you got to cut Roy Blunt a break because this whole week he's been so busy praising his fellow Missouri native Michael Sam for courageously coming out that he probably didn't have time to read the CBO room.
He just looked at the talking points from Mitch McConnell.
Now that he'll read it now and he'll realize that he will feel like a fool.
And let's just, you know, he's just saying it blatantly that, oh, this is discouraging people from working.
The ACA does not discourage people from work.
What it does is it discourages people from working the work that is the shittiest work they don't want to do.
That's what it's what it does.
Okay.
So let me just give you the subtext of what he just said.
What Roy Blunt just said, here's the subtext.
Hey, Joe American, you have to work.
Why should these assholes get to not work?
That's what he's saying.
He's pitting poor people against poorer people.
He's like, you have to work for health care.
How come these pricks don't have to work for health care?
Right?
That's exactly what he's saying.
So he's missed.
So now, remember when Republicans used to say family and family and family, and we got to have the family, and it's all about the family and family values.
And well, this ACA is going to help people spend more time with their family, right?
So you don't have to work that second shitty job for the health care.
Now you can take off and you stay home with your family.
So that's what's happening.
And well, it turns out all that Republican stuff about family was all bullshit if it means a black president might reform health care.
That's right, yeah.
Especially if it's about poor families.
That really wasn't quite what they meant.
Also, they like to say small business, small business, family, small business, family, small business.
But if the ACA allows you to leave the regular workforce to start a small business, then you're a piece of shit, I guess, according to the ACA.
If you quit your job that you don't want anymore, go start a small business because you can now get health care because of Obamacare, you're a piece of shit.
Hey, 63-year-old grandma working at Starbucks to get your arthritis medication, get back to work, you lazy fuck.
Yes, okay.
So now, so Chris Wallace goes on, he presses, he presses Roy Blunt on this.
So this, I think he's with Ben Cardin this.
All right, so now he's with the Democrat.
Good catch, Ben.
So now he's with the Democrat, and he's trying to explain to the Democrat, just explained all that stuff that I just explained to Chris Wallace.
Chris Wallace acts like he doesn't know what's happening, and he says this.
Senator Carton, if I may, though, I understand if somebody doesn't want to work and they can get their health benefits, and in fact, they'll get them cheaper because the subsidy rises as their income lowers, that's fine.
But why do I, or you as a taxpayer, why do we have to subsidize that?
Yes, that's a great point.
Why should a rich guy like Chris Wallace pay taxes and then some of those taxes go to help someone who's not as rich as Chris Wallace is?
That is bullshit.
Hey, and by the way, those taxes Chris Wallace is paying going to help someone of a totally different race.
You know what I'm saying?
He's a taxpayer, not a blackspayer.
Am I right?
Yeah, I mean, is that any difference there at all from saying, like, you know, listen, a senator, my kids, they go to private school.
Yeah.
And then they went to Princeton.
Why do I have to subsidize somebody who goes to public school?
Yeah, why do I, they're taking my money for the kid.
Their kid.
Not my kid.
Yeah, why don't my taxes have to go to build a road in Compton?
I don't understand.
Never go there.
I said, I'm going to buy the drugs and get into Annie Hooker.
I immediately denounce myself for the use of the word training.
So he explains it again to Chris Wallace, that senator that's sitting with, explains it to him again that we're not actually losing jobs and all this stuff and that we're going to, if someone stops working a job, someone else will come in to fill it.
I don't know if you know, we have 7% unemployment in America.
So there's a lot of people looking for work.
Again, it's not the job, it's the people.
It's the people.
By the way, you know why his taxes should go to pay for that?
Because it creates a more stable society.
It is as important to create a stable health care system as to have good roads, reliable energy, good communications.
That's why you should pay for it.
Not because it's going to somebody who's poor or lazy or because it benefits his life directly.
That's a great point, Charlie.
I disagree.
I really, I prefer having an elderly person serve me a burger.
I really do.
Robert made such a good point.
I can't believe I didn't steal it from him first.
All right, so now, so he explains it to Chris Wallace about we're not really going to lose those jobs out of the economy.
And here's what Chris Wallace says back.
Well, you say that these jobs will be filled.
That assumes a booming economy, which we don't have.
Even.
Yeah, we don't have a booming economy.
We just have millions of people desperate for work and 2.5 more million jobs being available.
I don't know.
I don't say this isn't going to work.
How does that...
How does it...
It's not gonna...
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
You know, if I may, indulge me, and I forgive if this is a little difficult what I'm going to ask for, but can we put up a shot of the first clip, just a shot where we see Roy Blunt?
Oh, Roy Blunt?
The senator from Missouri.
Are we allowed to do that?
I think we're going to do that.
And then I would like to see a shot afterwards of Chris Wallace.
Any of the shots of Chris Wallace.
Why?
Because, like, I think that hair tells you a great deal about the kind of person you're going to get.
Oh, yeah.
But you can't necessarily, you might see somebody with gray hair and they might be an ass.
But if you see somebody with the hair of Roy Blunt or Chris Wallace, who is headed for Roy Bluntsville as quickly as he could get there, you know these guys are trouble.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, by that logic, Joe Namath would be the greatest pundit of all time.
That's totally right.
I want to hear what that guy has to say now.
That's funny.
Because if you can we get a shot of Roy Blunt there from that first clip.
I just love the fact that Chris Wallace.
We have to play it a little bit.
Chris Wallace.
No, we can't.
Okay.
So I think Chris Wallace, I just love the fact that he's like, why should my taxpayer dollar?
Why is it the taxes I pay go to help someone else?
Like it doesn't, why?
You mean all the taxes I pay, why don't they just go right back into my pocket?
Why don't they go to set up a new dock in the marina for my yacht?
I don't understand why the taxes I would pay would help someone else.
Wouldn't it be great if Ben Cardin had said, because that's what your taxes do.
That's what we do.
That's what we do all the time.
Yeah.
Rich people don't get back.
You're also not fighting in Afghanistan, but some of your tax dollars went there.
Yeah.
Ah.
So if you want to know how the Republicans get away with distorting the CBO numbers every time the CBO puts out numbers, here is a reporter, Julie Pace from the AP.
She's from the Associated Press, right?
You would think they're straight news people.
She happened to be on Fox News, and they asked her about this, the ACA losing 2.5 million jobs.
And is it really true?
Here's her response.
Basically, what you have is two different ways of characterizing this report.
If you talk to Republicans, they say there are going to be nearly two and a half million jobs.
They're going to be lost over a decade because of the Affordable Care Act.
If you talk to the White House, there are going to be two and a half million people who are going to have a choice to leave to pursue their opportunity.
So basically, what she's saying is, oh, you're asking me a question?
I'm going to repeat the bogus bullshit talking point first, and then I'm going to give you another talking point.
And what's the real truth?
I don't know.
I guess we'll never know.
Oh, God.
I guess we'll never fucking know if 2.5 million jobs are being lost from the ACA.
Robert.
I wish she had some sort of document in front of her.
A well-vetted, factual document that could solve this dilemma.
She's clearly in.
You mean like the CBO?
The report.
You mean like the CBO report.
Yeah, something like that.
Something claimed by mathematicians, economists, statisticians.
I wonder where she could get them.
You know what?
Maybe if she has a friend who's a reporter and they can maybe look into it.
If you talk to Republicans, they say there are going to be nearly two and a half million jobs.
They're going to be lost over a decade because of the Affordable Care Act.
If you talk to the White House, there are going to be two and a half million people who are going to have a choice to leave to pursue their opportunity.
That is exactly what's wrong with the news media.
That's exactly why millennials don't turn to television for their fucking news because of shit like that.
Hey, is this really true?
Well, if you ask the Republicans, it's true.
I'm not asking them.
I'm asking you, the fucking reporter.
Is it true?
All right, we're done.
That was good.
So Vince Vaughan, I called him.
You know, I like calling Vince Vaughn because he's my favorite conservative, but he got a little upset because I didn't really have anything to ask him.
And you're both Chicago guys.
We're both from Chicago, Vince and I. So I got his number.
I keep calling him.
He gets a little upset.
I'm going to play the call now for you.
And here's what we had to say.
So, Vince, listen, how are you doing?
Nobody can take on.
This is Jimmy Door from the Jimmy Door show.
Come on, okay.
Why are you calling me?
What's this about?
No, Vince, do you know how?
Well, I got to change my phone number because of this.
Because in your show specifically, I have to change my entire phone number.
Vince, I just want, you're my favorite conservative.
And what about, we don't have to talk politics.
What about the Winter Olympics?
Hey, you know what?
I'm not watching any of it.
I don't really care about any of it.
I'm not into the axles and twists.
I don't care.
I don't watch any of it.
I'm with you.
I'm not watching it either.
See, where we connect.
Oh, yes, we have something for the common then.
Yeah.
You're supposed to say.
I don't watch it.
Why are you calling me and asking me about something I don't even watch on television?
Because I just want to talk to you.
Are you turning into some sort of weird fanboy?
baby Okay.
Well, as per your instructions, they're going to hang up right now.
Okay, Vince, Vince.
And then that was it.
We didn't have anything else to say to each other, but I did call him back.
Oh, you did?
I did call him back.
And I got him on the phone again.
I really, I kind of froze.
I didn't really know what to ask him.
So here, I asked, here, I just started talking.
I started, I'll be honest, I was babbling a little.
Here we go.
Hey, Vince, what about the Rolo?
What about the snow in North Carolina?
What about it?
Snowing.
You're literally calling to ask me about the weather?
What am I talking to my fucking grandma?
Is it Snowwood over there?
Yeah, it's Snoward.
Who gives his shit?
Go to bed, Grandma.
All right, sorry, buddy.
Yeah, what the fuck?
You didn't say something.
He's had it.
You don't have anything to say.
I don't have anything to say.
I find myself sympathetic to him.
I call him back.
Oh, did you know?
I love him.
I keep it.
It's like he doesn't leave.
Yeah.
Do you believe, is there a God?
Oh, Jesus Christ.
You kid me with this?
What the fuck?
Do you believe in an afterlife?
Do I believe in an afterlife?
Yeah.
I've asked myself that question many times, Chibi Door.
And it's a question that all human beings must face at one point or another.
Right.
Whether it's the passing of a loved one or a crossroads of a major life event.
One must say, one must stare into the darkness and say, what is this?
What does it all mean?
What is the meaning behind it?
Wherefore are suffering as humanity?
And what did you come up with?
I don't know, but I like titties.
Do you understand now?
Quit fucking calling me.
Okay, that was it.
I didn't call him again.
That was it.
Eventually, he's going to start looking at his color idea.
He will call our idea.
You know, he's got too much.
He's had integrity and respect.
He doesn't want to ignore a call if he knows you.
You know, he's that kind of a guy.
It runs deep.
Vince Bond.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, JimmyDoorComedy.com.
There's a lot of great stuff coming up in the second half.
We're going to look into Chris Christie's message about income inequality.
And Chris Christie calls in.
Plus, we're going to have phone calls from Herman Kane.
Vladimir Putin calls in, talk about the Olympic Games, plus Barack Obama.
But right now, we're up against a break.
We'll be right back in one minute.
This is the Jimmy Dore Show on Pacifica.
Music.
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I guess we'll let you know at the end of the show.
But right now, let's get back to the studio.
Welcome back to the Jimmy Doors show.
We've got a lot of fun stuff coming up in the second half.
Chris Christie calls in.
Barack Obama calls in.
Vladimir Putin calls in and lets us know how the Olympics are going.
I'm joined in the studio by former writer for the Daily Show Steve Rosenfield, hilarious comedian Robert Yasamura, Steph Samurano, the host of Comedy and Everything Else.
And from Turner Classic Movies, it's Ben Mankowitz.
Right now, let's get back to the studio and Chris Christie.
Okay, so we all know we're living in the income inequality days that haven't been seen since the Gilded Age.
Okay, so let's remember what the Gilded Age was.
Gilded Age means that everything on the surface looked bright and fine, but underneath, everything, everything was fucked up.
Okay, so that's the Gilded Age, right?
So right now we're living through that again, right?
Crony capitalism, people have rigged the system, the upper 1% getting all the gains.
In fact, in the recovery, the upper 1% have gotten all the gains.
It's turning out to be more like the upper one-half of 1%.
Yes, so they've really rigged the system in their way, and a lot of people don't seem to remember.
So just keep those stats in mind.
And there's one more stat I want you to keep in mind.
That according to PolitiFact, 400 Americans now have more wealth than half of all Americans combined.
400.
400 people.
Yeah, that's not the top.
They could fit in my backyard at a party, right?
And 400 people have more wealth than half of all Americans' wealth combined.
Okay.
So again, all the gains of the recovery going to the upper 1%, not the 99%, which leads me to this Chris Christie clip, okay?
Now, a lot of people don't seem to remember that Chris Christie was a piece of shit way before the George Washington Bridge fiasco, right?
Not to get all hipstery on you, but I was into hating Chris Christie on his first album.
And now if you haven't seen Chris Christie live in a while, he still plays all the old hits.
Here he is talking about income inequality, and he starts off with the bullshit defense of trickle-down economics, a straw man where everybody gets paid equal, and it just goes downhill from there.
Let's play it.
I think that the problem we have is an opportunity gap, not an income equality gap.
And I think that one of the big discussions and conversations over the course of the next two years in national politics is going to be, do you want mediocrity or do you want greatness?
You want income equality?
That's mediocrity.
Everybody can have an equal, mediocre salary.
That's what we can afford.
Or do you want the opportunity for greatness?
Yes, Governor.
Yes.
And we all know that the greatest countries in the world are the ones where you're either a millionaire or live in a one-room shack.
We all know.
Right.
That's it.
Those are the only choices.
We all know that those are the best.
And by the way, that's the beauty of America.
We take the happiness from the mediocre and give it to the wealthy.
That's the beauty of America, right?
What do you think, Benny?
Well, I mean, first of all, you talk about the that's the conversation that we're going to be having the next two years.
Yes.
Right.
Do you want opportunity for excellence or do you want mediocrity?
I'm pretty sure that's not the conversation anyone's going to have because that's not a conversation that two human beings would ever find in fact.
But like the idea of opportunity, then you know, you want to be like, oh, great.
So you would then think, let's make those schools in the shittiest parts of the country outstanding and let's pour money into them.
Let's make sure there's like 15 kids per teacher at all those places.
All these things that we know work incredibly well because that would at least give them an opportunity.
Right, right?
Yes.
Yeah, and we'll.
But he doesn't believe in that.
No, no.
Right.
He doesn't really.
Of course he believes in opportunity.
That's why he's a big supporter of affirmative action.
Oh, paraphrasing.
No, no.
So that was his straw man, right?
Everybody has.
So his big strawman is everybody gets paid equal.
No one's saying that, Chris Christie.
That's not what anybody's fucking saying that we're all going to be paid equal, right?
So Chris Christie's, he's pretending that the solution is either have the government redistribute every single dollar of income so we're all paid equally or we can all become millionaires.
Which one do you want?
Do you want to be a millionaire or you want to get paid exactly like a guy who works at McDonald's?
It's up to you.
It's up to you.
My plan, we can all be billionaires.
So that's what we can afford.
Yes.
He's basically saying to the people left behind by the system, go fuck yourself, right?
If you have barriers or impediments, you're probably just lazy, right?
It's not that there was 400 years of racism institutionalized and sanctified by the government to keep you out of the middle-class life.
No, no, screw it.
It's just up to you.
So he keeps going.
He gets worse.
Now he's pretending that the economic justice, the people who are warning about the problems of inequality, that they're just big babies.
Here he goes.
Ready?
Greatness is going to be based upon your intellect, your hard work, your creativity.
And government can play a role in helping to create that opportunity, but not in being the perpetual referee of what sounds like a fight between my 13-year-old son and my 10-year-old daughter.
You did this for him.
That's not fair.
Well, that's not fair.
I want this to be fair.
I grew up in America that said life isn't fair.
Yeah.
And he says it like it's a virtue.
Right, yeah.
Hey, that's why people come to America because of its fundamental unfairness.
People come and they go, I'm poor, but I know if I get to America, I will meet the kind of unfairness I've been dreaming about.
And I will be placed more hurdles in front of me to overcome to get into the good life.
But goddammit, that's the way America's supposed to be.
People flocked here in the late 19th century to get away from all the fairness that was going on in Europe.
Things were so fucking equitable over there.
Jesus, enough.
Yes, yes.
So again, it's bullshit.
He's saying, you know, that whole thing about everybody gets paid equal.
And, you know, here's a guy saying that life's not fair.
But people who try to make it better for them, who try to get into the good life, Chris Christie shits on, like a teacher trying to get in a union to get higher wages.
Fuck you.
He wags his finger in their face and says, go pound sand.
We don't need you.
Right?
This is the guy shitting on people trying to get a better life.
This is the guy putting up barriers to people who went to college, who work hard, who are trying to get into the middle class.
That's who Chris Christie is.
Yeah, people who are trying to get a better opportunity.
I mean, he's leaving himself vulnerable to that question.
What's the opportunity you want created?
So in this whole thing about that, if you are fighting for a better wage, somehow you're a petulant little child fighting over a toy in the back.
Are you kidding?
Really?
So everybody's supposed to just shut up, Chris Christie, when they're dealt injustice economically?
Except I'm sure for you, you wouldn't shut the fuck up.
I'm sure he wouldn't shut up about it.
By the way, I don't think that's the fight his kids have regularly.
I think the fight they have is who has to spend time with dad.
So, I mean, what's the deal?
There were like three donuts here.
You ate them all.
I can't believe you.
Oh, no, of course, Dad ate them all.
That's right.
Yeah, that's right.
So this is just a big straw man argument he's making about big straw.
but I haven't seen a straw man like this since Nick Cage and the wicker man and you know And you know what, Governor Christie, I'll tell you what.
When the detractors of income inequality start saying, hey, you've got a million dollars.
I want a million dollars too.
When that happens, I'll listen to your ideas.
Until then, however, I'm pretty sure you got nothing.
So Governor Chris Christie's in a lot of hot water.
And you know what?
I think it's funny.
He just, he just, his, his defense is, I don't know.
I don't know anything.
I'm stupid.
I don't know nothing.
Everybody's doing all that.
I hired all these people who are horrible.
They did all this criminal stuff.
Right.
Everybody else in the state knew it was happening except me.
I still think it's a traffic study.
I'm not sure.
Yeah, you know, I used to do a traffic study.
And right in the middle, he turns into shenanigans, right?
Right in the middle of the traffic study.
You start killing a couple looking guys.
Anyway, so I called Chris Christie just to get a check in because he went to Chicago and Texas to do fundraisers.
People wanted to step down from the chairmanship of the RGA Republican Governor Association.
Anyway, I got him on the phone.
Here's what he had to say.
I don't know nothing about that.
I literally don't know nothing about this.
So, what do you want to ask me, Jimmy Door?
So.
Well, are you going to resign from the Republican Governors Association, Chairman Chip?
Of course not.
I'm going to power through.
No, you can't power through.
There's a big scandal happening in New Jersey.
You might get.
It's important.
What are you talking about?
Talking about the...
I don't know nothing about that.
I literally don't know nothing about this.
You're being investigated by the U.S. Attorney.
You're being investigated by the committees and the committee investigate superbassippable.
I'm going to stay in power.
Everyone who wants to come at me can come at me.
And I'm going to bounce off my front butt and learn where it is to be defeated.
All right.
Well, it just doesn't look good.
Listen, what are you doing?
My front butt does look good.
Fuck you.
Covered up by my upper pants.
You know, it's tough for you now because you can't be the bully anymore.
You can't, like, be the...
Well, I'm just saying it's weird to see you speak publicly now because you're never sure.
Like the thing that makes people like you, you can't do it anymore.
Being a fucking jackass.
Yeah.
Being a big loudmouth.
Well, yeah, I gotta tone it down a bit, naturally.
Yes, naturally.
Naturally.
Yeah, you know.
But otherwise, I can borrow this role in the same way I used to.
Yeah.
Trenton style.
But you called us.
Roll up the whole bulk.
You called off your town hall meeting for tomorrow.
You know.
Well, you know, sometimes town hall gets canceled.
Sometimes there's just no more town hall.
And the people of the town need to learn to deal with that.
Do you still think you have a chance in 2016?
Of course I do.
What year is it right now?
2014.
Yeah, so what's 2016?
That's like a whole two years in the future.
Do you think people are going to remember this shit?
We'll see.
I doubt it.
Okay.
What's the attention spare to the American populace?
Not very good.
Okay.
Not very good.
All right, but you...
I don't know 900 by the 2016.
He he he he he, you fucking laugh.
Let me, let me, Yeah, let me do a.
Let me go.
So, Governor Christie, I heard you were down in Texas and then you went to Illinois.
I don't know nothing about where it was.
All right, but so they made a big deal out of their governor, Rick Perry, didn't want to meet with you in Texas.
I don't know nothing about an over-but then when you were in Illinois.
I don't know where you're loyal to Land of Lincoln.
Yeah, but so now you're supposedly raising a lot of money, but you're not giving any public speech.
I don't know nothing about no money speaking.
So what do you say to the people who think you should resign from the chairmanship of the Republican Governors Association?
I don't know nothing about go fuck yourself.
He's right.
Now, can I just say this to you, Governor Christie?
The scenario, the scenario that you're giving is that you didn't know anything.
You didn't know nothing about nothing, right?
I didn't know nothing about no nothing.
What do you not get about that?
A nut and pot.
No, I get it.
But doesn't it look even worse?
I do.
But don't you remember?
Don't you think it looks worse almost?
That people you hand-picked were such criminals?
They're assholes.
I can't help but that I hired them and they turned into assholes.
Yeah, but that doesn't, I mean, four people already have resigned.
Four assholes.
You hand-picked, though, for important positions.
Your campaign manager, your deputy chief of the City of Canada.
I've been four times betrayed.
You want to have a little sympathy for me.
Oh, you're not the victim here.
That's why.
I've been betrayed.
Okay.
I have been dealing with heartbreak.
I'm saying either way.
You monster.
You're either criminal or you're negligently unaware.
I reject both of those.
Those are your false dichotomies.
Those are your two choices.
Don't call me up with your false dichotomies.
Okay.
Hello, who's there?
False dichotomy.
I hang up.
And he did hang up, and he just hung off.
And that was it.
That was Chris Christie.
It's an interesting strategy.
You just say I don't know nothing.
I don't know nothing.
I don't know nothing.
I might work.
And the people of that town have to deal with it.
Yeah, maybe they don't get a town hall.
They'll get it though.
There's no town hall here.
There's no town at all.
The people of that town.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
You know, all in all, it's been a great week for bigotry.
For the first time, an openly gay player is going to enter the NFL draft, and everyone on the right and left seems to think it's a much bigger issue than it really is.
But then again, we're talking about the NFL here: people who defend both the team name Redskins and America's right to see traumatic brain injuries occurring in real time.
Meanwhile, back at the farm, the right is dog whistling the president's nominee to head the civil rights division of the Department of Justice.
And finally, a Massachusetts man named Matthew Barrett just filed a lawsuit against the Catholic Church and he wasn't molested.
Mr. Barrett was offered a job at a Catholic girls' school as their new food services director, but when he listed his husband as an emergency contact, they rescinded the job offer because we all know the dangerous level of influence the head of the lunch ladies has on young minds.
Let's be clear, Catholic Church, even without your hard work, no one is meaner to gay people than children, except maybe gay children trying to cover their tracks.
All children everywhere just assume assume the adults at their school are gay, weird, and gross.
For my part, I don't have any children, mainly because a bunch of Catholics made it look like not a good thing.
If I did have a child, though, I'm pretty sure I'd be more comfortable with them in the care of a guy in a loving, committed, and stable relationship, and not the guy who has spent his entire adult life suppressing every sexual instinct and wearing all black like a ninja.
As always, Catholics, it's less important to you that people get fed than hiding children from gay people who haven't been struck by lightning for holding hands.
Thank you very much.
So the Olympic Games are happening, and we talked with Vladimir Putin last week before the games, and now they've been going strong for a week.
I'd like to hear what he had to say.
So I called Vladimir Putin, President Putin, to see what he had to say about the Olympic Games.
And here's what he had to say: What's going on in the Olympics?
Have you watched anything?
I haven't watched.
I gotta tell you, man.
No, I have not watched one.
You're not watching the Olympics?
No, I don't.
I don't watch this.
You're not watching the Olympics.
I mean, I understand I'm not watching the Olympics.
You're not watching the Olympics?
I don't give a shit about this.
You don't care.
But why did you spend $51 billion on it then?
Well, for the idea that it would make money.
I don't mean I had to sit around and watch it.
No one cares.
Oh, no one cares in Russia.
No one cares.
I mean, about more.
I mean, I'll watch the hockey maybe, but I don't really see me watching even the for some reason the skating doesn't even get me anymore.
The figure skating with the women.
Oh, there was a time when you were into figure skating.
Yeah, I used to like to watch the because the girls had such nice butts.
Well, sure, but there are these websites now where you can see women completely naked and 18 double penetrations.
We don't have to go to this.
Right, we don't have to get cheap thrills watching sports.
Exactly.
Right.
By the way, for sexy women, it's got to be summer Olympics all the way.
Those track and field.
I mean, I don't get me started.
Those women have, there's more, they have more on at a Victoria's Secret show.
You know what I mean?
I know.
Mostly daniels with this assassin tip.
And then, you know, the beach volleyball players is just unbelievable.
Anyway.
Are we recording this?
Is this big?
Yes.
It is?
Yes.
Oh, Najinski.
So you don't even watch the Olympics.
You can't even talk about what's going on.
But, you know, there's.
But you're happy with the game.
You haven't seen any of the games, but you're happy with how they're going.
No games.
Come play your games.
But I will not watch them.
But you won't watch them.
No, I will be at opera.
Really?
I didn't know you.
Wow.
All Russians like opera and Dali.
As of this, as of this recording, Russia is in fifth place with two gold medals and nine medals alone.
Oh, why don't you go fuck yourself?
You called me.
How could that be?
How could Norway be beating Norway, Canada, the Netherlands?
The United States is beating Russia in the awareness.
You know what?
Shut up.
Okay.
But you did prevail in Paris figure skating, which is nice.
We've got our thing we do.
And we do it well.
Just like you, JB Doors.
Well, listen, so are you looking forward to nothing else to say about the Olympics, Vladimir?
I've got plenty to say about it.
We've got a lot more to go.
We've got more medals to win.
We've got the many events.
We've got the Luge, the Bruges.
We've got Downhill Tumbling.
We have the Ski Lift Mutual Hand Drop.
In fact, you're just making that.
I don't know what you're talking about.
We've got Ski Suicide, where you purposely jump into a pit of spikes.
We have many events left that Russia can dominate.
All right, now, is this working out the way are you getting a lot of attention from the ladies?
Are you brother?
You have no ideas.
You know how it goes.
Well, no, this is the one time that perhaps I get less attention from ladies because all the athletes come in to Russia and, you know, but usually when they are not here, the ladies fly to me because they women smell power.
Right.
And like pheromone, they get aroused.
And I take advantage of the arousal to work on their labias, both Majora and Minora.
Live the Dream Okay, I think that's enough for Vladimir Okay, okay, that's Vladimir the President Vladimir Putin Good luck and sochi So President Obama is happy he got a clean debt ceiling bill or debt bill You know what I'm talking about got
passed.
They raised the debt ceiling without having to shut down the government or anything, or default.
And he called me to brag about it a little bit, and here it is.
Hey, Jimmy, it's me.
President Barack Hussein Ebony and Armory.
Happy Friday.
I'm feeling pretty good, Jimmy.
I just raised the motherfucking debt limit with a clean bill, too.
That's three in a row for me.
No concessions.
Republicans collapse like Chris Christie's 2016 strategy.
I guess they learned their lesson when the government shut down.
If you touch a hot stove, that motherfucker's hot.
Not like raising the debt ceiling with a board or anything.
It was just to keep the financial world from collapsing into a dystopian, futuristic, fascistic wasteland.
I mean, an even worse one, Jimmy.
But I do want to take a moment to thank my friends of the Republican Party.
I couldn't have done it without them.
That is, them being so splintered into ideological factions, they didn't know whether to shit or go blind.
Seriously, no.
This is what happens when Republicans come together.
A grudging troll just barely enough votes our way to pass shit they hate worse than death.
I specifically want to thank Ted Cruz for dragging Mitch McConnell, kicking and screaming, oh yes.
All Cruz had to do with threaten one of the make-believe filibusters.
This time he was going to read one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.
Republican hate him, almost but they hate me.
Where in the Constitution doesn't say Congress is supposed to be full of sparkle bitches?
Where does that exactly?
Jimmy, this shit's better than the House of Cards, which I'm hooked on, by the way.
The Republicans are like a jihadist with a suicide belt who wants the Medal of Honor for not blowing himself up today.
In other news, I just signed an executive
order raising the minimum wage for government workers because the only government workers wages those douchebags will ever raise are the ones they see while they're shaving 3.3 million sign up for obamacare hope it hurts alcohol out president barack obama's name's happy uncle sugar yump and yimini that's our show for this week but what's coming up in the premium content herman
Kane calls in, that's for sure.
Yeah, Steph's going to get us some nice...
I'll get water.
What's she wearing?
She's wearing her Brazilian butt lift jeans.
Oh, you got to stop right now.
I can't handle it, dude.
So you have that to look forward to in the premium content.
And if you're not getting the premium content, it's really easy.
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Treat yourself this Valentine's weekend.
Okay.
Hey, by the way, the other way to help support us is, you know, everybody who ever sends strawberries or flowers, that's a big way to help support the show.
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Okay, so you can send me an email at my old timey email, Jimmy Door at Earthlink, or you can call that phone number, 323-375-4170.
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It's exciting for me.
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That's uh, isn't that fun?
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