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Feb. 8, 2014 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Hey, before we get to today's show, I just want to let you know it wasn't recorded in the usual KPFK studios.
It was recorded in a TV studio over in Coller City.
So if the sound isn't like it normally is, that's the explanation.
Okay, now let's get to today's show.
Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program, the Jimmy Dore show.
This week, Jay Leno gave up the tonight show forever for the second time.
Definitively failing to leave the audience wanting more.
Leno hosted the show for the better part of 22 years, had the highest late night ratings for 20, yet was never loved.
Always a better guest than a host, Leno never seemed to be about anything but the next joke.
You never knew what he was really thinking, and he never told you.
To me, Leno seemed to be mostly in it for the money, which he can now finally spend after hoarding his pay since 1992.
I grew up watching Johnny Carson, and nobody has ever taught him as a tonight show host, but he did take a lot of vacations.
Carson was a comedy icon, but he wasn't great every night.
Many times he made the same observations over and over again, and I vividly recall him using the word groovy long after it was no longer fashionable.
But he was a brilliant comedian who had his friends on the show, not just actors plugging crappy movies.
I should admit that I can't be impartial about talk shows because they seldom hire me, which I find very annoying.
The reason it doesn't seem to matter that Leno is leaving the tonight show is that the world that gave us Carson is long gone.
So Leno's departure marks not so much the end of an era as the beginning of a potentially disastrous Winter Olympics.
After that, it'll be Jimmy Fallon telling Amy Adams what a great movie American Hustle is, though clearly it is not.
Jimmy Fallon It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper say.
It's hard to talk to your TV.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hey, everybody, welcome to this week's Jimmy Doer show.
I'm joined in the studio to my right from Turner Classic Movies and what the flick on the TYT network.
It's TV's Ben Mankowitz.
Hey, Ben Mankowitz.
Yeah, hold on a second, Jimmy.
I'm just texting some guys in Sochi of where they can find some stray dogs to kill.
Oh, fantastic.
Fantastic.
There we go.
That's good.
They'll get him.
They'll get him.
Okay, also in the studio, the host of Comedy and Everything Else, our resident Latina at Steph Zamarano.
Hey, Steph.
Bonjour, no, Jimmy.
That's not a Spanish.
Okay, next to her.
You heard him at the top of the show, hilarious comedian, former writer for the Daily Show.
It's Steve Rosenfield.
Hey, Steve, how are you?
Hey, Jimmy, how you doing?
Fantastical.
All right, good to see you.
Now let's get to some jokes before we get to the jokes, shall we?
You know, now that the CBS no longer going to be selling cigarettes, CBS is pharmacy, big decision, not going to be selling cigarettes.
You know, I hope CBS doesn't lose its smoky bohemian intellectual atmosphere.
Jay Leno.
Jay Leno retired from the tonight show.
And, you know, it's emotional knowing that I'll never see Jay Leno host a tonight show again until at least a month or so from now.
April.
That's right.
Hey, Clay Aiken.
Clay Aiken's going to run for Connie's Quinton Music.
He's going to run for Congress.
And I don't know, no, no.
I just think it diminishes the stature of the worthless corporate tools we usually elect.
That's what I think.
Hey, T, you know, Obama brought down the deficit.
He did.
It's the lowest since he's been president.
It's been lowest in five years, whatever.
It's the lowest deficit in forever.
And, well, the Tea Party conservatives point out that just because Obama brought down the deficit, that doesn't make him any less black.
It's true.
This is true.
It's true.
It is.
He's not any less black.
And, you know, they see the Coke commercial, they had the multilingual and the conservatives did not like it.
Alan West tweeted about it.
He didn't want a commercial in a language he didn't understand.
Didn't want to have that.
And well, let me just say this.
Sorry, conservatives.
You know, we live in a multicultural country where Coke is giving millions of true Americans type dose diabetes.
And, you know, there's all the talk about in the, because the Super Bowl happened, there's all the talk about concussions, people getting concussed, which I didn't know that was a word.
That's a nice word.
I get concussed.
Yeah.
Okay, but football injuries, football injuries do lead to concussions, which does lead to brain damage, which does lead to joining the Tea Party.
Turns out.
All right, what's coming up on today's show?
We're going to talk about John Elway.
Turns out he's a Republican.
Who knew?
Also, Bill O'Reilly doesn't like the nanny state, but he's from Levittown, which is a big nanny state beneficiary.
And we're going to talk about a lot, lot more.
We got phone calls today from Chris Christie.
Who else calls in today?
We got Barack Obama calls in President Putin.
President Putin.
From Sochi.
That's right, calls in.
And Herman Kane.
That's right.
Plus a lot, lot more.
us today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
Okay, so there's been some problems happening in Russia, right?
So there's been all kinds of problems with the Olympics.
First of all, they're killing stray dogs.
Nobody likes that.
They're very unfriendly to the...
Stray cats are cool.
They have great cat class.
They got cats done.
A couple of gold albums.
They also having problems with terrorism.
They're also having problems with shitty accommodations.
All their people who are reporters who are at Sochi are talking about how shitty they're No TVs.
No TVs.
No light bulbs.
No light bulbs.
Yeah, they can't watch the Olympics.
They can't even read about the Olympics.
I can't watch the Olympics, can't read the paper about the Olympics.
Yeah, so things aren't good in Russia.
In fact, I saw one reporter said that there was no water in his hotel, and they said when the water does come on, don't put it on your face.
And now Bob Costas has opened the Olympics with a giant sty.
He's got a giant style.
He can't open his left eye.
Can't open his eye.
No.
Yeah.
This is all true.
Can't wear his contacts?
Yeah.
So that's a reporter's bread and butter is contacts.
So anyway, there's a lot of problems happening in Russia.
And who thought, who would have knew what a new?
Who would have thunk it that they wouldn't go smoothly in Russia?
Yeah.
I'm stunned.
Shocked.
Stunned, huh?
Everything, they're so uncorrupt.
So I actually got Putin on the phone, President Putin on the phone, and I recorded it.
And I got here, there he is right there, but I recorded it.
So let's listen to him.
Let's see if we can hear him.
Let's see.
Uh-oh, here we go.
Now, see, President Putin, please call me Vladimir.
Okay, Vladimir, listen, things don't seem to be going so well.
Everything is under control.
Well, I got the guy.
Everything is going to be just fine under control.
Well, you know, the NBC news.
We have Cossacks patrolling the streets.
You have what?
Cossacks.
Where are Cossacks?
Cops?
The semi-nomadic quasi-ethnic group in Russia.
They were big hats.
They were used as sort of henchmen in Tsarist Russia.
But we brought them back to provide security.
So there's no problem.
No problem.
Come play your games.
Oh, okay.
Come play your game.
Slide downhill is safe.
But, you know, Richard Engel.
Don't play in snow.
It's fine.
Yeah, but there's a lot of problems because Richard Engel, the NBC reporter, said that anybody who comes into Russia, as soon as they open up their laptop or turn on their cell phone, they get hacked.
That the government of Russia is hacking into their stuff.
Well, does she have Norton or McAfee?
I mean, you should make sure all the software is updated.
And that's the information that you pulled.
He's not different from Starbucks or Panera.
No, no, no.
No, no.
I'm told this is the government's internet.
In Russia, Wi-Fi logs into you.
No, even reporters, I understand the gay, you guys passed a law that said you can't advocate for gay.
But that goes for even people who are visiting, right?
If they could get arrested, because it's against the law to speak, advocate for LGBT, right?
Look, if people want to visit Russia, Sochi for the Olympic Games, that's fine.
Just don't be gay while you are here.
Oh, okay.
Well, that does.
That seems a little Neanderthal, a little backwards.
No?
But the point is, everything is safe.
The snow, the powder, is ready to go.
Deluge has been looped up.
Very slighty, keying.
Snowboarding, snowmobiles, snow cat, cheese scenes from James Bond movies.
It's all been going on.
Sochi 2014.
Leave the dream.
Rubova Borga.
Pravra.
Ruskaya.
I don't know what the fuck.
Okay, so everything's working out in Russia because it sounds like there's a lot of problems, a lot of terrorism happening.
No, no, no.
No, no.
No, no.
No.
No, no.
But I heard it's been really bad.
There is not any kind of credible threat from Chechnya.
Nothing about any bombings at the Olympic Village plant.
Nothings, nothings, nothing.
All right.
Well, I hope so.
You should come here visit sometime.
I don't think so.
How's Edward Snowden?
Oh, he's good.
Do you want to talk to him?
He's right here.
I won't let you, fucker.
No.
You should come visit sometimes.
Stay with me.
We'll go take our shirts off and go look at bears together.
I will show you all the chokeholds.
I learned that KGB.
I can paralyze you from waist up for five minutes.
Trust me, fun.
But no gay stuff.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
I'll be honest, Russia is really low on my list.
Oh, but it's beautiful.
Russia's really low.
Take a river cruise down the Volga or the Dnieper.
I just want to let you know, Russia's way down on the list of countries on the street.
There at the ocean at Vladivostok.
Right.
I like to gaze at things.
Okay.
I'm going to go hang out with Edward Snowden and Pussy Riot.
And a bear.
He'll be there too.
Okay, President Putin, I appreciate it.
Okay, I hope this worked out.
Okay, I'm Putin.
Yeah, that was really good.
Very nice.
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Okay, so today we're going to be talking about the nanny state and the difference between how a rich white guy sees the world and how the rest of the world sees the world.
We're going to start off with John Elway, who turns out he's a Republican.
Wait a minute, you're telling me that a millionaire who's never needed to critically think through an actual issue is a Republican?
Go fuck yourself with that.
Okay.
He went to Stanford.
He did go to Stanford.
Yeah, that's right.
Now, yes, it's a fallacious argument to attack the messenger.
But to be fair, so John Elway went on Fox, right?
So he's on Fox's before Super Bowl evening.
Yeah, Super Bowl Eve or whatever.
I think it was the morning.
He said, so they're asking about his political beliefs.
And they're basically, Fox News was basically using John Elway, the Republican, as the messenger to say, man, if a white successful football player is a Republican, well, don't you think you should be?
That's pretty much what the message was, right?
And now to be fair, John Elway is not a complete idiot.
Like you said, he did go to Stanford and he's currently the executive vice president of the Denver Broncos.
Yeah, you know, that NFL franchise, which benefits endlessly from a stream of taxpayer money coming right from the government.
What are you talking about, Jimmy?
They're a professional football team.
They sell tickets.
They have TV contracts.
They're all making millions of dollars.
What do you mean they get taxpayer money?
Well, the stadium where the Denver Broncos plays in cost $400 million to build.
$300 million of those dollars came directly from taxpayers.
The local taxpayers gave them $300 million to build a stadium.
So all these millionaires can get together and watch other millionaires play football and sell it to other millionaires.
And everybody's making millions and billions, actually.
The NFL's making billions of dollars.
Yeah, the projected revenue for the NFL, Roger Goodell, the commissioner, suspects by 2027 will be $25 billion.
Or in 10 years, I think that it'll be $27 billion.
It's about $10 billion now.
So here's the NFL.
They play at Invesco Field.
Is that what it's called?
Yeah, Invesco, I think, is Spanish for for the people.
I'm not sure.
Steph would know.
Yeah.
But to be fair, how much do they pay in taxes, the NFL?
Oh, to be fair.
To be fair, I don't know.
I don't know, Robert, how much do they pay?
None.
Oh, zero?
Absolutely zero.
They are a non-profit organization.
You know, when you think about nonprofit organizations, you think about Boys Town.
Yeah, Boys Town.
Sure.
What was Mother Teresa's chapter?
Calcutta.
Calcutta, right?
And the National Football League.
The National Football League.
Yeah, they're always reaching out to help poor young black kids get concussions.
Concussions.
For free.
On the taxpayer dollar.
So, yeah, so the NFL, one of the most successful businesses in the history of anything, gets $300 million for free from the local taxpayers so they can build a monument that John Denver Elway can go play in.
Okay.
So, you know, because I guess in Denver they don't have poor people or education or anything else like that to worry about.
They'll just take $300 million and give it to the sports center so John Elway can go through passes.
It was under Denver's mattress.
But you can still believe that one of the great beneficiaries/slash heroes of the American bro culture, can you still believe that he's a Republican, John Elway?
Shocking.
Yeah.
I mean, usually frat guys like this are always going on and on about the need for progressive tax structures, aren't they?
Not John Elway.
So here, the reason why I bring this up, while I'm going into this, the NFL, they're tax exempt.
They make $9 billion a year.
They don't pay a penny.
They get free money to build all their stadiums from the people, right?
So they're a big, I think the NFL is like a big welfare company, right?
They just, right?
The reason I bring this up is because they asked, well, let's play the first clip.
Let's go to Elway 1.
Why do you support the GLP Day?
Well, I mean, those are what my beliefs are.
I believe that, you know, as a country, that, you know, we're given the opportunity to succeed or not succeed.
And I think that, you know, for us to be able to, I don't believe in safety nets.
Obviously, we got to have some kind of safety nets, but I think that the.
Yeah, you guys, sure.
He doesn't believe in safety nets, Ben, but obviously you got to have some kind of safety nets because if he didn't say that, he would look like the asshole he is.
That's right.
You can learn that kind of logic at Stanford.
I don't believe in safety nets.
I've got to have some safety nets.
Not crazy.
I'm going to completely contradict myself right now and ask you to keep taking me seriously.
I would completely contradict myself within a half a second.
Half a second.
It's like an immeasurable amount of time it will take me to contradict myself.
I don't believe in safety nets.
Do we need them?
Yes.
We need safety nets.
Of course we do.
Who said we didn't?
Who's running around saying we don't need safety nets?
Of course we need them, but we don't need them.
I don't know what you're trying to say.
So that's John.
Of course, he doesn't believe in safety nets, but he does believe in the NFL making $9 billion last year without paying taxes, which is about the safetiest net in the fucking universe.
Am I right?
John Elway made it entirely on his own without nothing but an athletic ability, fame, and a totally corrupt NFL.
Okay, so.
So, yeah, so he wants to, he doesn't believe in safety nets, or does, depending on which second you were listening to him.
I'm going to go one second.
Yeah.
John Elway's net worth $145 million.
So the net would have to collapse quite some way for John Elway to need some help.
And he thinks that other people who's, there's no reason.
Why should anybody making with a net worth of over $100 million need a safety net?
In addition to his $145 million net worth, just to add to that for just running the Broncos, the salary is $3 million a year.
Well, as a guy, you know, he doesn't believe in safety nets, though.
He doesn't need a, but he does believe in the taxpayers totally supporting the business that is making him millions of dollars, right?
That's right.
So the taxpayers bankroll his business, and that's so he's got, let's get a little bit more to say.
Let's hear.
My philosophy is when you're given the opportunity to go take advantage of that.
And I think that that's when you get the best out of people.
And so my beliefs align best with the GOP.
I wouldn't say I'm way, way right.
You know, I'm middle right.
I've been fortunate to be in business, and I'm one of those who believe that, you know what, you got to give a little to get some.
And so I'd like to see us be able to free up Congress a little bit and say, okay, we need to give up a little bit to give a little bit.
And if we were able to do that and we acted more like businessmen in that situation, I believe that we'd be getting a lot more done.
Yes, see, he wants to pull everybody pull themselves up by their bootstrap.
Why can't they?
Why can't these poor people pull themselves up by their bootstraps and be a quarterback for the Denver Broncos, for Christ's sake?
What is their problem?
They are lazy, Steve.
And I don't blame John Elway for being disgusted with poor people.
They don't even make enough money to pay taxes, much less make enough money so they never have to ever pay taxes.
That's when you know you're making money.
You know, John Elway, the only people he's ever known from poverty are millionaires on his team.
Yes.
Yes, people who you were once.
So he's sure that if you're poor, you might become a millionaire if you really run hard.
I mean, he employs plenty of guys on that Bronco team who are making the league minimum of like $440,000.
Those guys can't even afford to go to the dentist.
You know, I can see John Elway being a Republican, you know, because he believes in the American dream, also because they hate poor people as much as he does.
So that's kind of like.
And as a country, Ben, we're given the opportunity to succeed or not succeed.
And we have to make sure that that second group doesn't steal our shit.
Okay?
Can we just do?
That second group, very sneaky group.
And of course, well, you know, I know you're going to be unfair, a typical liberal.
You're not going to play Chris Wallace's follow-up question, which is that as sports and in the sort of competitive business world that you're suggesting, you're given the opportunity to succeed.
If you succeed, generally, someone else fails.
What should we do with the people who fail?
Right.
What's your proposal?
What's your proposal?
Just what?
Keep working.
Right.
Try.
Work hard.
But there's no jobs anymore.
Doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.
When I was in college, I could throw the ball from home fleet over the right-hand wall.
Did Chris Wallace actually ask that question?
No, no.
Oh, okay.
No, no.
Don't be silly, Rob.
It was on Fox.
Yeah.
Don't you think ultimately John Elway's position, maybe it's based on the numerous concussions to his.
There you go.
Never thought about that.
Maybe he had been concussed.
How crazy is it that we live in a world where John Elway reason, assuming we take the first four seconds of the sound bite, that I don't believe in safety nets because that's what he started.
That's what he started with.
That's what he started.
So let's go with that one.
I don't believe in safety nets.
And then 18 seconds later, I'm center right.
Yes.
So center right now has been Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid.
Fuck that.
Like, let's get some stuff done, but not those that's center-right.
That's not far-right.
That's center.
Center-right.
Center-right.
We don't need safety nets.
Yeah, center-right, get rid of Medicare and Social Security.
Obviously, you've got to have Social Security and Medicare, but let's get rid of them.
But obviously, you have to have them.
Who's saying get rid of them?
I don't know.
I'm saying get rid of them.
Why not do both.
Can't we get rid of Social Security and Medicare and keep them?
That'd be a compromise I could live with.
This is fun.
This is fun in this room.
I like that you kept saying, you know, you should give a little to get a little.
Yeah.
Which, you know, is his nanny state argument.
And I'm like, he would go insane if he tried to get medical attention as a poor person.
Yeah.
The amount of work involved in just getting your teeth cleaned when you're poor would make this guy cry.
I agree.
I'm trying to get a loan, which I can't get.
You can't get a loan?
Can't get a loan.
Your last name is Menkiewicz.
No shit, right?
You just need to give a little.
Give a little to get a little.
Just get a loan.
I don't even want it anymore because I can't do the paperwork.
Like, it's too much.
It's too much.
Sign here, the previous precedent beneficiary in the event of a oxida.
You know?
And I'm like, I don't know, man.
Can you please put the yellow lines in where you go sign here and date?
Like, that's it.
That's what I can do with these forms.
And so Robert says, like, having to fill out the forms to get the basic health care for yourself or, God forbid, your child to make sure your kid doesn't have bronchitis and isn't going to turn sicker and can stay home for a week and get better instead of dying after spending six months in a hospital.
Like the forms that you have to fill out for that, it's like, I can't imagine it's not even worth it.
I mean, of course it's worth it, but I mean, what we put people through to get the bare minimum.
So you're trying to get a loan.
Try to get a loan.
That's right.
Try to get a loan.
Whereas everyone and the banks all, as they reject you, they say, if you'd been here in 2006, this would have taken half an hour.
Ah, so.
So when you're sitting there, you just don't go, look, I'm your nephew.
Council signs.
No, I mean, it's crazy.
And the fact is, the reason we can't get a loan is that we don't have enough money.
They're like, you don't have enough money to not pay taxes.
You don't have enough money for us to give you the loan, knowing that you could just take the money out of your bank and pay back the loan.
Well, man, I wouldn't need the loan.
Isn't that funny?
Yeah.
Wow.
I thought you would help me.
What you should do, if you really want that money, open a professional sports stadium.
Yes.
Yes.
Then we'll tax the people to give you money.
Come here.
I get such great ideas.
All right.
I don't believe in safety nets.
Got to have safety.
Got to have a safety net.
I don't believe in safety nets, but of course you got to have them.
Who's arguing?
We shouldn't have safety.
Of course you got to have them.
Well, we haven't talked to our favorite guy, Herman Kane.
And I have a lot.
I had a lot of questions to ask him.
I just called him.
I just called him on the phone.
And let's listen to my phone call.
The Earth is 6,000 years old.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Because there was the big debate.
Bill Nye, the science guy, debated some creationists, which I also think is a mistake.
Ken Ham.
Ken Ham was his name.
And you don't debate creationists.
That's why, just like you don't debate people who are climate change deniers, you don't debate them because you're elevating them to science status.
And you shouldn't do that, right?
And anyway, he did it.
And I called Herman Kane, and we talked about it.
And this is what Herman called.
The Earth is 6,000 years old.
Did I know that there was a tree in Sweden?
There's a tree in Sweden.
Did you know there's a tree in Sweden that's 7,000 years old?
That's true.
That's what Bill Nye said.
He said, these people think that the Earth is 4,000 years old.
And there's a tree that we can prove for you right now.
It's 7,000 years old.
And it's in Switzerland or Sweden or something.
Ain't no motherfucking tree that old.
No, this is true.
I deny that.
I know, but that's because you don't use science.
And they do.
So that's what happened, Herman.
He brought out science.
He brought out his science, not real science.
No, that is real.
That's the real science.
That's the ones that everyone uses.
I don't care for it.
Yeah, I know.
What would you have said if you've been on that stage debating Bill Nye, the science guy?
Number one, this dude's got big ears, and then two, he's got a bow tie.
How could he be right?
That's a good point, I guess.
Yeah, and then you go for the obvious, you know, he's going against the Bible.
What kind of dumbness goes against the Bible?
It's the word of God.
Yeah, see, that's what it would be like.
Who's he to say he knows better than the word of God, carbon dating?
Yeah, well, that's science.
I dated carbon.
She was crazy.
They called it carbon 14, but you look like Carbon from 15 and a half to me, if you know what I'm saying.
Yeah, I know what you're saying.
How else they tell how old the world is?
Dendochronology.
Yeah, that's how they tell.
Dendochronology.
If I can't pronounce it, I'm definitely not going to believe in it.
Dendochronology.
What's that?
That's the study of how they figure out how old the earth is.
It's called dendochronology.
Through trees, tree rings, things like that.
How are you going to tell how old the world is from looking at a tree?
Because they...
I don't know what.
It's all not.
It's crazy.
There's no proof of evidence.
It's just a theory.
So anyway, that's kind of funny that there's a tree older than you think the earth is.
And we can point to it right now.
Well, how about I go cut that motherfucker down and we have the debate again?
And it ain't no tree in motherfucking Norway or whatever the fuck.
Okay.
And I win the debate.
I know.
I know.
Okay.
Well, listen, Herman, I appreciate you taking time out to talk about the evolution.
No, you did not win the debate.
Oh, man.
I know, right?
You know what?
There's more to that called at Herman Cain.
He's got a lot more stuff he weighs in on.
We talk about the snowstorm that hit Georgia.
There's an inch and a half of snow.
Did you see that?
It happened.
In Atlanta, an inch and a half of snow falls, and people are sleeping at 7-Elevens.
It was unbelievable.
Anyway, so Ben was actually got stuck in that.
You know, Ben Mankiewicz was down there doing Turner Classic movies that week, and he said they went home early on Tuesday, and he stayed at his hotel for the next three days.
Anyway, so we talked more of Herman Cain on the second half of the show.
Also, on the second half of the show, we talk about Bill O'Reilly.
We played that and interviewed Barack Obama on Super Bowl Sunday, and Bill O'Reilly calls in to talk about that.
Plus, the president calls in to talk about it.
I'm a little steamed about it.
Anyway, there's a lot more coming up right now up against the brigs, Jimmy Door Show on Pacifica.
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You're going to send flowers, right?
So if you're going to send flowers, please do it through ProFlowers because then it helps support the show.
You go over to proflowers.com, you click on the microphone in the upper right-hand corner, you put in our code, which is Jimmy D. And then when you send them flowers, they love some.
Whoever gets them loves it, and then they send us some money, and it doesn't cost you anything.
Isn't that nice?
I mean, it doesn't cost you any extra.
They've got a great deal.
We got two dozen of these rainbow roses they sent to our house as like a sample.
It's fantastic.
Anyway.
All I can say.
Anyway, so ProFlowers is a good company, and that's why we work with them.
And it's a big help to the show.
So if you're going to send flowers this Valentine's season, go to proflowers.com, click on the microphone in the upper right-hand corner, use our code Jimmy D, and enjoy the savings.
They get 50% off on a bunch of stuff.
You get extra face, the whole deal, and it all helps support the show.
Okay, let's get back to the second half.
Welcome back to the Jimmy Dore Show.
I'm joined in the studio by Ben Mankiewicz, Robert Yesamura, Steve Rosenfield, and Steph Samarano.
Let's get back to that Herman Cain call.
I'm not.
I mean, best case scenario, he ended up having sex with the daughter of his lover who was 17 years old.
And then that's the best case scenario.
Yeah, but that ain't illegal.
Why you got to judge it, brother?
Boy, they weren't related.
So now, Woody.
What are you, some sort of Victorian Puritan?
You start putting little skirts on your piano legs.
What time's T?
You're telling me that.
So now Woody Allen has a kid with Sun Yee that's Woody's kid and Mia's grandkids.
That ain't her real daughter.
So he's a daughter to his mother, to grand.
It's weird.
It's like they're in Kentucky or something.
That ain't her real daughter.
Come on, man.
That's her adopted daughter.
Well, they never married.
So now her grandkid is one of Woody's kids.
Oh, man.
Don't put that.
That's why you got to say this shit.
Because it's true.
Well, you know what?
You can double up on Christmas gifts.
Sounds like it's easier that way.
From grandpa and daddy, same guy.
Yeah, same dude.
Merry Christmas.
Yeah, whatever.
You can judge him for doing that.
Trading in for a newer model just because it's from the same lot doesn't make you a bad dude.
Yeah, it does, actually.
That does actually make you a bad dude.
But he made all those funny ass movies.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
It's weird.
I can't go back and unlike the movies that I've already liked.
Yeah, well, I think that shows he didn't do it.
Okay.
All right.
Well, listen, Herman, I appreciate it.
You like Annie Hall?
You must have quit.
Yeah, I love that.
I'm going to rhyme yet, but I'll work on it.
Yeah.
All right, Herman.
I appreciate it.
Again, once again, I appreciate you taking time.
You know, I'm here for you, whatever issue of the day.
Yeah.
What are you doing for Valentine's Day?
Oh, I'm taking my wife out for dinner.
Oh, okay.
That'll boy.
And I'm taking my girl for an alpha midnight snack, Chalk.
You know what's up.
I do.
All right, buddy.
Maybe I'll start dating her daughter.
Ah.
Come on over.
Who's that?
Oh, that's just my 19-year-old Korean daughter that ain't my blood.
Ain't related to.
Don't mind her.
Oh, you made a dick.
You done fucked up.
Yeah.
You should have kept her in the closet.
You want me to stay with you?
You better keep all your Korean teenagers away from me.
Okay, Herman.
Thank you very much.
You want to shut this off real quick, don't you?
Yes.
Yeah.
I appreciate you calling in.
Thanks, buddy.
I found a Godfather's Pizza.
Hey, now, listen, you're from Georgia.
Yes.
What happened?
There was an inch and a half of snow.
People are sleeping in 7-Elevens.
What's going on?
Oh, well, it just shows the problem of the federal government, the relationship between the state governments.
Yeah, why couldn't the states, what happens?
That shows you how important government is, right, when it breaks down like that.
No, it shows you how it gets in the way.
What do you mean?
If people have been left to their own devices, none of this would have happened in the first place.
People were left to their own.
They didn't have any.
Everybody's fine.
Okay.
Some people dealt with the problem, all right?
They did what you do in a snowstorm.
You pull over, you live in your car for two days, you eat some, you know, breadsticks or some shit you have in the back seat.
And wait till it blows over.
You pull over, live in your coach.
That's what you do when it snows.
Everybody knows that.
All right, Herman.
Thank you very much.
When are you going to be on my show?
You know what?
We'll make time.
We'll make time.
Okay, thanks, Herman.
Are we ending this phone call?
Yeah.
I've already got nine minutes on.
I got to end it's down.
Oh, yeah.
You got a lot of work to do.
Yeah, and plus, I got to be at Young Turks tomorrow at 10:30 in the morning.
Are you doing Young Turks?
Yeah.
Good for you.
Seeing your ass on YouTube.
I'm proud.
I click on the little thumbnail.
I know that dude in the thumbnail.
All right.
That was Herbert Kane.
Thank you very much, John.
Okay, welcome back to the Jimmy Door show.
We were talking earlier in the first segment about John Elway thinking he doesn't take advantage of government, even though we showed he takes $300 million for the team he works for, took $300 million in taxpayer money to build their stadium.
They're tax exempt.
They make $9 billion a year.
The NFL doesn't pay a penny.
But he doesn't believe in safety nets.
Just real quick, I'm given to understand, and this is worth mentioning that in the offseason, homeless families live in Inesco Field.
Yeah, and nobody talks about that.
Nobody talks about it.
Nobody talks about it.
It's a good investment.
So now we're going to go to Bill O'Reilly sat down with President Barack Obama, which it's always nice to see Barack Obama legitimize the bullshit that happens every day on Bill O'Reilly's show.
It's nice.
It's like, hey, you're a race fader.
You're calling me a Muslim.
Hey, yeah.
You're totally lying all the time every day.
Why don't I just go pretend like you guys are a real news organization?
Which is what He did, although he did slap him around a little bit, at least.
You know, I saw it the other way.
You did?
I did.
I saw it, Ben, that it was just another chance for Bill O'Reilly to be rude to the black president.
And he was.
I think both of you are.
If anybody treated, and I'm not saying, hey, I'm all for being rude to the president.
I'm not kidding.
I'm not kidding.
This whole thing, you have to be nice and all that stuff, F off.
You know, you do not have to be nice.
You don't have to be respectful.
But you do have to have a sense of who you are.
And all Bill O'Reilly was doing in that interview was trying to show his base that he's disrespectful to the president.
That's right.
And that was all he had to do when he did it.
And I think it gives him too much, it makes Bill O'Reilly important.
He doesn't need to be able to do that.
It definitely makes him important.
Why is he deferring to him in an interview?
He's making Bill O'Reilly's megaphone that much louder.
And which is a mistake.
I mean, Barack Obama, it's this, you know, trying to show how affable he is.
You're five years in, they still want to impeach you.
The Super Bowl, so whoever, whatever network has the Super Bowl, whether it's Fox, CBS, or NBC, the situation now as part of that deal is you get to pick one of your big-time TV personalities to interview the president.
That's part of it.
That's why.
Oh, is that it?
Yeah, so Brian Williams did it like the last time NBC has it.
That's why.
And I guess ABC still has it now sometimes too, and Diane Sawyer would do it, and CBS.
Scott Pelley or whoever they decide, whoever they decide.
So, but of course, I mean, the president is not bound by the NFL's contract with the league.
The president could go, no, I'm not going to talk to those guys.
No.
Those guys are race-baiters, and they're cruel and they're intentionally dishonest, so I'm just not going to do it.
And of course, Fox would be like, they'd scream, he'd be afraid.
So what?
So what?
How great would that be?
I agree on that.
How great would it be?
I remember when he was campaigning when Obama was campaigning and he snubbed O'Reilly and O'Reilly kept saying, when are you going to come on my show?
When are you coming on my show?
And he ignored him.
How did that happen?
Never.
Yeah.
Unless they change hosts.
Okay, so here we go.
So Bill O'Reilly sat down with the president and he keeping with our theme of rich white guys pretending that they did it all on their own.
That's what I love.
These rich white guys have nobody help me.
I did it all by myself.
Even though I ride on a train that was built because of infrastructure and I drive on a street that was built because of infrastructure and we tax people and I went to a public school that was paid for with tax stock and because I lived in a so Bill is from Levittown, Long Island.
Levittown was built when the soldiers came home from World War II.
The United States government financed people buying all these houses in a suburb called Levittown, Long Island, which was considered the prototype for all the other suburban communities.
Yes.
Sub-urban.
There you go.
Oh, I never even knew that.
Is that right?
Well, suburbs.
No, by the way, it's an epiphany.
No, no, I, but.
That happened to me at college.
Really?
I was in class, and the guy said about Levittown, suburban communities, and I'm like taking notes, and I look up, like, you go, suburban communities, and I'm like.
And I'm looking around the room, like, and I'm like, that's how I am.
No way I'm the only one who just got that.
No fucking way.
But here I go.
Here it is.
And here I am.
Yeah, a little older.
Yeah, me.
In my 30s.
Yeah, so there you go.
Suburban.
So anyway, so that's what this is all about.
Bill O'Reilly.
Let's just get to it, Bill O'Reilly talking about how he did it all on his own, how he built it all.
He's standing on the shoulders of no one.
Here we go.
One of my points on the factor is that poverty is driven by the dissolution of the American family.
That is the prime mover.
Yes, that is the, when he says the dissolution of the American family is the prime mover of poverty, what he means is black teenagers can't keep it in their pants.
That's right.
That's what he's talking about.
And also, Mr. President, you refuse to do anything about it because you're still trying to win slave reparation.
I did see the things I liked.
I wish he hadn't done the interview, but I like that, like, even.
Well, you know what?
Let's keep going.
Okay, but he doesn't, he just doesn't, like, there's not the moment that interviewees have where they're like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Like, he didn't give them anything.
He just listened, like, here's another dumb racist point.
Uh-huh.
Which is kind of what this is.
That's right.
Yeah, it is.
That is a very subtle.
Very subtle, like one you can always defend yourself against.
Yes.
But we know what it is.
Well, you know what it is.
Okay, let's keep going.
He's got more to say.
On your watch, median income has dropped 17% among working families in this country.
That's not a good record.
It's not all your fault.
No, it's mostly the Republicans' fault for freezing wages and cutting taxes for the rich, but I'm not going to say anything like that.
Sure, there are poor whites too, but unlike blacks, it's not their fault.
This is Bill O'Reilly worried about the working man's wages falling.
Right, yeah.
That's what I'm supposed to believe.
That's what the factor's all about.
That's what the factor is all about.
That's one of the points he likes to make.
Okay, let's go to the second clip of him.
But 72% of babies in the African-American community are born out of woodlock now.
Why isn't there a campaign by you and the First Lady to address that problem very explicitly?
Actually, Bill, we address it explicitly all the time.
I'll send him.
Yeah, so again, what's it?
The blacks can't keep it in their pants.
That's right.
And how come you're not saying anything about it?
So that's the story, right?
Yeah, just to get, in case you thought we were misinterpreting the first part.
Yeah.
Right?
In case you thought maybe, oh, it's not fair.
He's not being racist.
Bill.
No way.
Have I met the black people?
I did.
I really met the blacks.
I did.
I met the blacks.
Dissolution of the family, not the white family.
They're poor because they can't stop fucking each other out of wedlock.
That's what he's saying.
Because they're animals.
They're kind of a little bit, they're a little bit lower.
Yeah, because there were no poor white families in America during the Industrial Revolution, any of those things.
None.
And let me just say this.
The big meme on the right is always that what causes poverty is the lack of marriage, right?
Wherever there's single-parent families and there's a lack of marriage, stability, family, that's what's going to make, that's what's going to bring poverty.
But you know where the poorest part of the country is, is the Appalachian Mountains.
Most households headed by married couples.
So that is not true.
Most households in Appalachia headed, and they have the worst poverty in the goddamn country.
Did you ever hear the expression, it's the exception that proves the rule.
So just so when you hear them say that, that it doesn't work.
Because what they're doing is putting the cart before the horse.
They're saying, oh, if you stay married, you'll have better, you'll have a better economy in your neighborhood or in your community.
But it really works the other way around.
When you have a better economy, people get married.
That's what happens.
Okay.
I don't understand why he's harpy on marriage, because now that we have gay marriage, marriage is meaningless.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Marriage is meaningless.
So these people could.
And I don't know how Bill managed to hold on to all his money after he got divorced, right?
He's supposed to be poor now.
Why doesn't President Obama say anything to him about being divorced?
Why don't you stay?
What about the dissolution of your family?
Yeah, what about your family's disillusionment, you stupid prick?
Yes.
My favorite thing about that is he says, well, we hit the recession, da, da, la, la, but what about this?
Why haven't you done anything about this?
And I can't believe Obama didn't go, because of the fucking recession, because the thing you just said, I've been busy.
Yes, exactly.
Now, as we watch this next clip, keep this in mind.
That Bill comes from Levitton, which was financed by the government, giving FHA loans so people could buy houses and that people could build a sub-urban community in Levittown.
Now you're just showing off.
I am just showing off now.
Not only did the government finance those houses in the neighborhood that Bill O'Reilly grew up in, but they also, as a matter of policy, excluded blacks from buying houses there and taking part in the American dream.
Yes, that happened.
That was part of the FHA official policy was to deny loans to black people who wanted to move into Levittown, Long Island, because they feared it would lower the property values.
So blacks who wanted to take part in the American dream, even after serving in World War II, go pound sand.
Because Bill O'Reilly is going to live here and he's going to do it all by himself.
Stand on his own shoulders.
Stand on to do.
Yeah.
Yeah, but he can do it.
So here he goes.
Let's play a little bit more, Bill O'Reilly.
I think that you are much more friendly to a nanny state than I am.
Yes, he's much more.
And when he says nanny, I think Bill means mammy.
You know what I mean?
Of course, the nanny zebra state refers to the government that provides income or services to people Bill doesn't want moving into his neighborhood.
And when the government helps people who used to be poor, that's okay.
But the government needs to stop helping people who are still poor now.
All right, let's go back.
More Bill O'Reilly coming.
I'm more of a self-reliance guy.
You're more of a big governmental solving problems guy.
And that's it.
And I disagree with that because I think that what used to be considered sensible, we now somehow label as liberal.
Think about it.
Social Security, Medicare.
But you're paying to that.
It's the freebies.
What freebies are we talking about?
Welfare actually is worth less now than it was 20, 30.
It's worth less than it was under Ronald Reagan.
Take a look at the disability explosion.
I mean, it's insane.
The workplace isn't even.
So Bill O'Reilly, take a look at the disability.
There's people on disability.
That's what's draining people.
That's who's the people who are scamming us out of our disability money.
That's what's killing the country.
Bill O'Reilly.
He's got the fat cats at the bottom in his eyesights, and he's not going to let up.
Those fuckers at the bottom who are ripping us off of their disability checks, which has got to be hundreds of dollars a month.
Those, but come off.
They're scamming.
This is who he's upset at.
The fat cats at the bottom.
I can't believe John Stossel went to work for Fox News.
He and Bill O'Reilly have a lot to talk about.
A lot to talk about.
Keep going.
More dangerous now than it was 20 years ago.
It's through the roof.
You know, people.
Bill, the point is, we have not massively expanded the welfare state.
That's just not true.
When you take a look at it, actually, that the levers of support that we provide to folks who are willing to work hard are not that different than they were 30 years ago, 40 years ago, or 50 years ago.
You and I took advantage of certain things.
I don't know about you, but I got some loans to go to college.
And I painted houses, anyway.
Well, no, I worked.
I see that's why I am.
I painted houses during the summer, too.
It still wasn't enough.
Yeah, so I love that, Bill O'Reilly.
I painted houses during the summer, and it paid for fucking Harvard painting houses during the summer.
I also laid bricks every summer when I was in college, Bill.
It didn't even keep me in bear money for the whole year.
Are you sure?
Where did you grow utopian society?
Oh, that's right.
You grew up in Levittown, financed by the government and to keep blacks out.
That's Bill O'Reilly.
He's a self-reliance guy.
Self-reliance guy.
There's no way.
Either Bill O'Reilly's dad had enough money.
Where'd Bill O'Reilly go to college?
He go to Harvard?
He got his master's.
He got his master's at Harvard.
Do we know where he went undergraduate?
He went to some small Catholic school.
Okay.
Right.
Well, whatever he went to didn't cost as much.
Right.
He went to college in the 40s.
His parents paid.
Or something else at.
Right.
Yes.
I mean, even if they didn't, those houses in Levittown went up in value incredibly.
You could take a second mortgage out on your house to pay for your kids' college and have oodles of money left.
That's what I wanted.
But then that's one of the answers.
Then his parents paid for it by taking out a second mortgage because it was so easy to take out a second mortgage because your house was worth twice or three times as much as you paid for it five or ten or fifteen years earlier.
And man, I would love to have that information.
Because Bill O'Reilly, as we know from his, I've fought four pens, four wars with a pen.
Yes.
And Bill O'Reilly, I was in combat and I didn't leave my brothers behind.
You weren't in combat.
And then he goes, well, you know, when I was my unit, there was no unit.
There weren't any news.
So when he makes stuff up like this, like, yeah, I painted houses.
I'm sure he did paint houses.
And then I'm sure his parents wrote a big check and that's how he went to college.
Yes.
I painted houses, by the way, in college, too, and it did help the economy because the next summer they would have to hire someone else to paint the house again.
Now let me get this straight.
You painted houses in the summer?
I did, yeah.
Your last name was Mankowitz.
I did, yeah.
And you can't get a loan.
Can't get a loan.
What is going on in this country?
What is going on?
Yeah.
I'm privileged.
I'm hanging out with you because I think it's going to help me.
I went to college for house painting.
I cannot get work in my chosen field.
I'm just saying.
Yeah.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
So Bill O'Reilly had a big weekend.
He interviewed the president, President Barack Obama.
And so I got him on the phone, and we had a little phone call, and here's what he had to say.
On the phone, we have none other than Bill O'Reilly.
Hi, Bill.
How are you?
Hello, Jimmy Dor.
Hey, did you see how I took the president down on Super Bowl Sunday?
Yeah, yeah, Bill.
I don't think you took him down.
Oh, no, I did.
I got right in his face and didn't let him run.
There's a difference between taking someone down and just being a rude dick.
I nailed him on Benghazi.
Fucking nailed him.
You nailed him on a phony scandal that has been debunked by every credible source that has looked into it.
You nailed him on that?
Yep.
How did you do that again?
You kept saying he didn't say terror fast enough, even though everyone knows he did say it the next day.
But you kept pushing him to admit not saying it the night before something.
What were you trying to trap him in exactly, Bill?
What were you trying to get him to say about terror in Benghazi?
Honestly, Dora, I have no idea.
I forgot what the fuck we're supposed to be fake pissed off about over this Benghazi thing.
Then why did you bring it up?
Are you kidding me?
Because America's finest mouth-breathing geriatrics eat that shit off.
But why?
Why?
It makes no sense.
Worst case scenario, Obama waited a whole day to say he was a terrorist back.
It's like they all decided to pick some arbitrary thing to be insanely upset about.
Sure, it makes no sense.
Who cares?
But I don't question it.
All I know is that every time I press the Benghazi button, money goes into my bank account.
Just like the tides of the ocean.
I can't explain it.
But, Bill, you didn't really make any good points.
And any objective observer would think.
Objective observer?
Do you think I give a shit about an objective observer?
Put down the ball, Dolpen.
But your idea of nailing him was really just being rude and interrupting.
Well, disrespecting Obama was the agenda, Jimmy boy.
The greatest thing I can ever do in the eyes of my audience is disrespect Obama.
And I did it too.
Kept interrupting him right in his black fucking face.
I can hear Confederate flags being unfurled all across Fox Nation.
Oh, so that's why when you got 10 minutes to sit down with the most powerful man in the world, you talked about nothing of substantive, but instead you asked him about why you didn't fire the health and human services director or the IRS phony scandal or Benghazi, really?
Two phony scandals in the human health.
That's ridiculous.
Wow.
Did you put that together all by yourself?
Great job, Columbo.
I'd love to sit around and hear you tell me about how the earth revolves around the sun.
You figure that out, too.
Okay.
You really got to figure it out.
But I will be honest with you.
I will be eternally grateful for President Obama to offer up this black body for me to publicly and proverbially piss on in front of my race-baited audience.
Okay, I guess that's really what I wanted to hear Bill O'Reilly say.
What do you say?
You got it, fuckface.
Okay, thanks, Bill.
Anytime.
you you Okay, thanks for listening to the show.
That's it.
That's right.
What's all we have time for on today's show?
But we do have a couple of more calls that we didn't get to.
We have a Barack Obama calls in.
And, you know, I give him a heck.
I give him a heck of a hard time for going on Fox News.
And, well, here's, I'll give you a little tear.
I said a little bit to him.
Yeah, I just don't know why you keep doing interviews on Fox News, sir.
It's obvious they don't respect you as a liberal, as a black man, or even as a president.
They don't respect you.
We're afraid of Jimmy.
You don't respect me as a liberal either.
Well, maybe not, but I do respect you as a guy who everyone thought was going to be a real liberal.
That's a good one, Jimmy.
That was my accommodating laugh.
You hear that when I'm on Fox News or during a presidential debate or right this minute?
It means I don't like somebody.
So there's a lot more where that came from.
Plus, we talked to Chris Christie.
And boy, I really I gotta tell you, I am enjoying the hell out of this.
I don't know if you guys are like me, but I really Steph loves it.
I love it.
It's fun because it's, you know, for a guy who was a U.S. attorney and prosecuted a lot of people, he does exactly what a guy lying would do.
He does all the lie things.
And, oh, it's so much fun.
And anyway, so we talked to him.
We got him on the phone.
I just find it hysterical that Chris Christie's, his whole defense is, hey, I didn't know nothing.
I didn't know nothing about nothing.
I swear to God.
Like, that's going to be his slogan.
Vote Christie.
He don't know nothing.
He doesn't know nothing.
So those phone calls coming up in the premium content this week.
And we also in the premium content this week give our take on the whole Woody Allen fiasco.
And we go, we play Barbara Walters.
She weighed in on it.
I weigh in on her weighing in.
It's, I thought Barbara Walton.
Well, anyway, so you'll, that's also in the premium content.
The premium contents, how do you get that?
You go to jimmydoorcomedy.com, click on premium, make a $5 donation, you get your passcode that gets you, that gets you access to all the premium content.
Guess what?
The app is here.
I've tried the beta version out.
Ha!
I'm excited.
It's very, isn't that exciting?
I think it's exciting.
Hey, we have an announcement to make.
We're going to be adding a live studio audience to some of the shows.
So if you're interested in being a part of the live studio audience for the Jimmy Door show, we're going to be taping in Culver City.
So if you can get to Culver City for a Jimmy Door show, we'd love to have you.
And there's two ways you can let me know.
Send me an email at jimmydoor at earthlink.net.
That's my old-timey email at jimmydoor at earthlink.net.
And then you spell door, of course, D-O-R-E, or you give us a call.
You give us a call at our hotline, which I love.
And the number is 323-375-4170.
That's 323-375-4170.
Call the hotline.
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All the voices performed today by the one and only inimitable Mike McRae.
Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Frank Conniff, Robert Yasamura, Steve Rosenfield, Mark Van Landuet, and Steph Zamorano.
Want to give a shout out to Sean James, who makes our computers run.
If he can help you, give him an email.
Smackhelp at SeanJames.com.
If there's something wrong with your Macintosh, he'll fix it for you right over the internet like magic.
You can give him a call at 347-695-0601.
That's it for this week.
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