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Jan. 25, 2014 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program, the Jimmy Dore Show.
Last week, a study published in the British Journal of Psychiatry suggested that comedians exhibit high levels of psychotic personality traits.
This was not a surprise to anyone who's ever spent 10 minutes at an open mic or seen a Jerry Lewis movie.
Researchers from Oxford University studied 523 comedians, 404 men, and 119 women.
According to researchers, the comedians scored significantly higher than two non-comedian groups for psychotic traits, including impulsiveness and depression.
As to why funny people become depressed, this is often triggered simply by seeing another comic being successful.
Comedians are also found to be highly sociable, yet extremely shy, which means they can be both the life of the party or hide in the kitchen, sometimes at the same party.
The study also suggested that comedians often avoid intimacy or pleasure.
Speaking from personal experience, for years I avoided both intimacy and pleasure by performing in Modesto.
Some very successful comedians do seem mentally disturbed, but this is only apparent when you work for them.
Common sense tells us there are very few funny full-blown psychotics.
For example, during Charles Manson's many parole board rants, he consistently fails to get laughs.
So while a mild level of psychosis can lead to being extremely funny, the more mentally disturbed a person is, the more likely they are to become movie producers.
As for the 523 comedians questioned in the study, so far, 397 of the men have hit on 113 of the women, mostly by offering to punch up their jokes.
Yeah.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
...the up-minded, lowly-livered lefties.
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper say.
It's hard to talk to you guys.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dome.
It's Jimmy Dome.
Okay, everybody, welcome to this week's episode.
I am joined in the studio across the glass from me, former writer for the Daily Show, Hilarious Comedy.
That's Steve Rosenfield.
Hey, Steve, how are you?
Good, Jimmy.
And you?
I am doing very good.
Do you feeling psychotic today?
Oh, I hope not.
My comedian friend, next to him, host of Comedy and Everything Else, our resident Latina, it's Steph Zamarano.
Hi, Steph.
How are you?
I'm doing great, Jimmy, and I'm still pro-choice.
Fantastic.
I didn't know you were on the fence.
Anyway, Crossum, a hilarious comedian from Team Yasamura.
It's Robert Yasamura.
Hey, Robert, how are you?
I am well.
And you?
Very good.
Good to see you.
On the phone, all the way from New York City and Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's TV's Frank, Frank Conniff.
Hi, Frank.
How are you, buddy?
Hello there.
All right, well, let's get to...
You say libido.
And I say libido.
Hey, Justin Bieber got arrested for a DUI in Florida.
And to reduce his sentence, his lawyers are advising him to shoot an unarmed black team.
Hey, Chris Christie got sworn in for his second term this week, overcoming the first bureaucratic obstacle in his path to resignation.
And, you know, did you hear Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin?
In honor of Martin Luther King Day, she released a statement saying she wished Barack Obama would stop playing the race car.
And I thought Obama might listen to Sarah Palin and stop playing the race car, but I noticed that today, he's still black.
He's defying her.
Damn it.
And Fox News, everybody's celebrating the Martin Luther King Day differently.
Fox News is asking why in his I Have a Dream speech did Martin Luther King Jr. never once mention Benghazi.
Hey, Martin Luther King Jr. was a conservative, right?
You've heard that.
They say Martin Luther King Jr. was a conservative, according to the same people who think Charles Darwin was a fantasy novelist.
See that?
It's a double insult.
Did you hear Chris Christie got a standing ovation at a fun razor?
Yeah, he got a standing ovation.
Yes, because dipshits who will never be president are still the cornerstone of the GOP.
Okay, what's coming up on today's show?
Haley Barber has some stuff to say about that.
Lady Mayor from New Jersey.
We're going to check in with him.
Plus, Chris Matthews and Patrick Kennedy try to talk about pot like an eighth-grade girl talks about hockey.
It's just true.
How about my graph?
What would be better joke?
Is that an eighth-grade girl talks about hockey?
Nah, fuck it.
Leave it.
All right.
So.
I think it's fine.
Also, we're going to take a look at...
The legal expert at CNN is going to talk about the NSA and Jeff Snowden and Greg Greenwalt and everybody, Glenn Greenwald.
So we're going to talk about that coming up.
Plus the lieutenant governor of New Jersey.
Yes, there's actually a lieutenant governor of New Jersey, and she's really good at fake lying.
We'll talk about that.
Plus, Bill O'Reilly has some comments on Martin Luther King Day.
And well, we got phone calls today.
Let's see who we have phone calls from.
Ted Cruz, Barack Obama, John Boehner, and Haley Barber.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
Okay, John Boehner called me.
It's time for John Boehner's TV guide with me, John Boehner.
This coming Tuesday's television is all about the State of the Union speech.
And I recommend you DVR something on Sunday to watch on Tuesday.
First up, we'll be puzzled speculating about the speech like a bunch of hens clucking about their yeast infection medicine.
And the black man is going to enter.
Yum.
I say just come in the way you really want to, Barack.
Atop a chariot, shirtless, with oil rubbed all over your magnificent ebony torso.
Let's strap in.
The Democrat Party's greatest orator in a generation will spend 40 minutes saying absolutely nothing.
And you'll be all like, why are these people applauding?
Because we're constitutionally required to applaud, that's why.
After that, you can look forward to the Republican response.
As of this recording, the speaker's TBA, but since the bullped is totally empty, I'm going to guess they're going to go with a sock puppet of Reagan.
Here's a preview: smaller government, less taxes, freedom, freedom, freedom.
There, I just saved you 20 minutes.
Then the Tea Party will give its response.
Oh, yay.
This year, delivered by Senator Mike Lee from Mormon Landia.
Let me save you some time on that.
Just go listen to the incoherent rabblings of your racist Alzheimer's grandpa.
But at least you will have done family time.
My television suggested for Tuesday night.
Read.
That's the guide for this week.
Suck it, you Pheebs.
Fuck you.
I like this thing.
John John Vader got a new kind of theme song for her.
The Jimmy Dora show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Thank you.
Chris Christie is now being accused by the governor of Hoboken, New Jersey, of doing a quid pro quo.
So Chris Christie's administration wanted the mayor of Hoboken to go ahead with a commercial development that Christie was hooked up with.
He had his buddies were hooked up with that he wanted to go forward.
And the lieutenant governor of New Jersey, which I didn't even know there was one, now we do.
Lieutenant Governor, New Jersey, according to the Hoboken mayor, took her aside in a parking lot and said, Hey, if you want Sandy relief funds, you better go forward with this commercial development project that the governor wants.
And she says, I know it's not connected.
I know it's wrong to have these two things be connected together, but they are.
And if you ever say I said this to you, I'll deny it.
Well, guess what happened?
She denied it.
So here, let's hang on a second.
So they accused the lieutenant governor.
Her name is Kim Guaganango.
It's hard to say.
So what is that?
We're going to call her Lieutenant Governor Kim.
And the mayor of Hoboken, New Jersey Mayor Don Zimmer, accused her of threatening to withhold Hurricane Sandy relief from the city unless the mayor approved the real estate project favored by Christie.
So Haley Barber went on with Chris Cuomo on CNN and the last end is for news.
Shocking.
So here's what they had.
Here's what it is.
Does it give you more concern about the atmosphere and culture in Chris Christie's government?
Now, I'll tell you what it gives me concern about that the news media is willing to leap at any far-fetched story with the basis in fact unbelievable.
This is a lady mayor who asked.
First of all, I don't know if you caught that.
This is a lady mayor.
Instantly suspect.
That was no lady.
That was my mayor.
This is a lady mayor.
She could have been having her period when she was saying this.
We don't know.
We don't know.
Maybe she was, maybe she was distracted by a dress.
Christie patted her on the head to say, go buy yourself something pretty.
This is a lady mayor.
Okay, here we go.
This is a lady mayor who asked for $142, $127 million of hazard mitigation money from the governor to give that to her from the federal money when the state was only receiving in its entirety $300 million.
It is absurd to think that one town would get well more than a third of the total amount of money.
Except when it's the town that got hit the hardest.
Right.
Yeah.
Except when you're the most densely populated city in New Jersey, which I think Hoboken is.
And 90% of New Jersey wasn't even touched.
Right.
So yeah, it's not like 100% of New Jersey needed help.
There was this right.
And also, by the way, it wasn't that she was asking for it.
It was that the governor had promised it even before her asking.
Yes.
So here is the lieutenant governor trying to deny that, right?
Gonna try and deny that allegation.
I think in short, you need to hear me say this out loud, and I will.
In short, Mayor Zimmer's version of our conversation in May of 2013 is not only false, but is illogical and does not withstand scrutiny when all of the facts are examined.
Now, if that's her being sincere, what does it sound like when she's full of shit?
Right?
That's my real question because this woman is as if if you were trying to cast an actress to look like she's lying, this is how you would ask her to go, no, no, no, go slower, swallow some of your words that are important, like scrutiny.
Don't just deny the allegation.
Say that's also illogical.
Give too much information.
So she does this all the way through.
She gives way too much information.
And that's the purest, that's the first sign of someone lying, right?
And they don't give you information about the thing that you want them to talk about.
They give you detailed information about other stuff, which is a clear sign that they're lying.
And watch, let's watch.
Say this out loud, and I will in short.
Mayor Zimmer's version of our conversation in May of 2013 is not only false, but is illogical and does not withstand scrutiny when all of the facts are examined.
Who, honest to God, is she teaching a bunch of second graders right now?
Who teaches someone?
Once upon a time, she's lying.
Here we go.
Any suggestion.
Any suggestion that Sandy funds were tied to the approval of any project.
Any suggestion?
In New Jersey is completely false.
Okay, so again, you know, I know that this is a denial, and I know this might sound funny, but methinks thou protest too much.
It's like if this really didn't happen, if you really didn't have this conversation with her, you just come out and say, we didn't have that conversation, and she's making it up.
You don't go through this histrionics only if you're worried.
I never ever would, ever, ever would I ever.
All I hear is great B-roll for six months from now.
Yes, that is going to be the piece of tape that is going to be played over and over again during her indictment.
Yes, yes.
Here we go.
She's got more to say.
Standing in Union Beach, as we are today, with some of the mayors whose towns were devastated by Sandy.
Now she's getting angry, like she's getting an angry look in her face.
Whose towns were like she's angry.
Like she feels the pain of these people.
Yeah, she's getting indignant.
Yes.
She has a scowl on her face.
And also being a Sandy victim myself.
Oh, she's a victim makes the mayor's allegations particularly offensive to me.
Yes.
Yes, see, no, you're doing all this stuff.
Like, you wouldn't do this.
If you really didn't say it, you wouldn't get insulted.
Your feelings wouldn't be hurt.
You would be laughing.
You'd be like, this didn't happen.
And that, so I'd be, I'm curious to see what kind of evidence she has.
I would love to see it too.
That's what you would say.
You wouldn't be like, it is offensive.
Yeah, right.
And it was, I would never.
And how dare you?
This is beyond the pale.
Oh, my.
I mean, sure, we would close down traffic on a bridge for four days straight and screw up traffic for kindergartners' first day of school and old ladies couldn't get an ambulance, but this, how dare you?
Right.
My favorite thing about this is that just before she made that statement, she was like, I will not be taking any questions.
Yes, she could have made it more like she spent almost more time saying, like, I'm not taking questions after this statement.
Right.
Then she went into this long and involved statement and got the hell out of Dodge because everything she was saying was just like – Oh.
It was like putting chum out in the water.
Yes.
Yes, you would think.
She's out of, you know, over and over again on the news that, hey, this woman is lying and I didn't do this.
It's like she is the textbook example of how not to lie.
She's doing all like, here's she's going to go.
She's going to give us way too much information about something not related.
The suggestion that anyone would hold back Sandy relief funds for any reason is wholly and completely false.
I thought I had a good relationship with the mayor of Hoboken.
Oh, guess what?
Oh, no.
In fact, just three months after this conversation she said we had occurred, I was walking on the streets with her in Hoboken talking to her about urban markets.
Just three months after this conversation she said we had.
And five months before, she went to MSNBC.
Like I said, I thought we had a good relationship.
Frankly, I'm surprised.
Frankly, another tip off.
She's lying.
No one says frankly when they're really actually being frank.
That Mayor Zimmer has chosen to mischaracterize I had with her about development and job creation in Hoboken.
I have devoted an extraordinary amount of time to project, to bringing projects, to creating jobs, and retaining jobs in Hoboken.
So you know, this is all unnecessary.
That's why I know she's lying.
You don't have to say any of this stuff.
All you have to do is come out.
Of course, that's not true.
You wouldn't do this.
I don't know.
She sounds so sincere about everything she's been doing.
She's jumping up and down.
They were walking down the street.
Yes.
Yes, they were walking down the street.
It's my job as the Secretary of State and the Lieutenant Governor.
I have visited Hoboken no less than 13 times in efforts.
I have worked on many more projects involving Hoboken as part of that job.
See, this is her phony outrage voice.
And this is my phony outrage voice, fellas.
And I'm going to be using this quite a bit from here on out.
Okay.
And furthermore, I've consulted my lawyers, and they assure me I could say all of this obvious horseshit and not be indicted.
So here we go.
I thought I had a good relationship with the mayor of Hoboken, but obviously one of us is a total bitch.
The example that stands out, the one that the mayor herself asked me to work on for her is the Pearson Education Building in the skyline on the waterfront of Hoboken.
The mayor once told me there was an empty hole.
And she asked me to help her find a company to fill it.
And we did.
Right now, Pearson Education is in the waterfront on the waterfront.
They've created hundreds of jobs.
Okay, so this is all like extraneous information.
What do you think?
Distraction.
This is all, I'm going to talk in detail about something that has nothing to do with the thing we're talking about.
And that is a, could not be lying more.
And then, so I'm just going to go ahead and skip to the end because there's a couple more minutes of this.
So I'm going to go to the skip to the end.
Here's how she wraps it up.
I want to thank you all for coming out, for giving me the opportunity to speak.
I look forward to the inquiries.
I am sure, absolutely sure, of the facts will come out.
Thank you very much.
So they start to ask her questions.
Yeah.
What you can't hear there is because CNN cut it off because they're geniuses.
Because one of the most important parts of that press conference was at the end, she didn't take questions.
And they start yelling questions at her.
And then she has like eight mayors of other cities from New Jersey, Republican mayor standing behind her.
And they all start cheering so you can't hear the reporters yelling the questions at her.
That's what they started cheering.
Here, you know, I might have it over here.
Let's see.
That doesn't sound like she's covering up anything at all.
No, here she goes.
Here she goes.
I look forward to the inquiries.
I am sure, absolutely sure.
All of the facts will come out.
Thank you.
So did you hear them?
Oh, my God.
They all start screaming over the reporters.
That is just the weirdest.
Like, could you guys, why don't you just put up a sign guilty?
Why don't you just do that?
Okay, on the phone, we have Governor Haley Barber.
Governor, are you there?
Hello?
Are you the current governor of Alabama?
Are you the former governor of London?
Who gave them?
No, I'm now.
Okay.
Well, listen, Governor, former governor of Alabama.
How are you doing, Governor Barber?
Hey, how you doing?
Hey, give me the fatty barber.
Great to talk to you.
Listen, what do you think about it?
I'm glad you got me on the horn.
I've been wanting to talk to you for a while.
Oh, yeah, but I wanted to talk to you.
Listen, I want to know what do you think about the accusations the mayor of Hoboken is making.
What do you think?
Oh, hell, this whole deal.
This whole deal is just a bunch of nonsense.
What do you mean?
I've been saying the past few days.
This whole story, this whole thing is just far-fetched.
Far-fit.
Hell my hound Jim Stewart can't fetch that goddamn far.
Oh, far-fetched.
Now, if you want to know a far-fit, you got to look down at that lady state representative den Texas who said she was divorced and living in a trailer park when she was really separated and about to be divorced limited in a trailer park.
You mean Wendy Davis?
Is that that bullshit kind of lies?
Flying all around left.
You're talking about Wendy Davis, right?
That's what you're talking about in Texas?
That's what I did.
Yeah, this one.
Yeah, let's get back to the mayor of Hoboken.
Now, do you think that there are holes in the story of her story?
Well, first of all, let's look at the fact that for a long time now, she's been sending out tweets.
Uh-huh.
Yes.
Tweets.
Yes.
Where she's crazy, Governor Christie.
She sent out, yeah, so what?
And now, all of a sudden, you know, she's coming out saying, oh, we've done all this horrible stuff.
Yeah.
Now, I think that proves her story ain't true.
How does that prove that her elders?
Well, everybody knows, you know, woman sustains some sort of abuse.
She automatically comes out and tells everybody about it.
She don't keep it to herself.
No, there's a lady Mayor we're talking about.
Yes, she didn't reveal, she didn't reveal this back then because, you know, Chris Christie was the most popular politician in the universe at that point.
And, you know, maybe she was maybe a little sensitive to that.
And she was afraid that people wouldn't believe her, right?
Doesn't that make sense to you that she was afraid people wouldn't believe her?
Well, I don't see why she would think nobody believes her just because we don't believe her now doesn't mean that we wouldn't have believed her when she came out in the first place.
Wait a minute.
So you can understand, though.
I mean, it is reasonable for her to fear a guy who's bent on political payback, right?
That is.
Other problem, Ben.
No.
Now, she is.
Wait.
Oh, not to cut you off the past here, but yeah, but you are cutting me off.
Okay.
I wrote it down in my journal.
Yeah.
Yeah, she wrote it down in her.
Her diary, her journal.
Now, first of all, everybody knows it's a journal.
You can fake it.
You can fake.
That shit ain't time stamped.
Are you saying she went back and changed the dates and stuff?
Sure, anybody can do that.
I went back to my journals from 1965 and wrote an entry about how when the civil rights bills passed, we all celebrated and had a parade down the street and invited all the black folks over to dinner.
Everybody knows how to rewrite history through a journal.
So you think that's what she did retroactively?
She changed everything.
We do it all the time.
I'm a southern politician.
We ride journals of our own past.
So what do you think is the reason for all this?
Why would she be doing this?
Well, it's Leftwing.
It's the left-wing media.
They're roughing up.
They're trying to get, you know, proverbally, of course, you know, roll them around and old flower and old grease.
Rough them up.
Roll them down the hill.
Get some leaves stuck to his hands.
What?
Hit him with some sticks, you know, rough them up the fucking dude.
You know, the old fat boy lives down in the haller.
Go down there and rough them up.
What are you talking?
What are you talking about?
I don't know.
I didn't think you knew what you were talking about.
That's what's going on.
They're ganging up on him.
And I can certainly...
I can relate to him.
I mean, governor credit.
You know, he's my brother.
Literally, of course.
He's all, you know, he's on Mick Pollock or something.
Figuratively, overweight, corrupt, bully governors.
We're a small family.
We are members of the secret order of the Ham Fist, an elite society of corpulent American power brokers.
Really?
That's a thing, corporate power brokers?
We meet in secret and the CC's all-you-can-eat buffet.
Okay.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Now, do you really think the attacks on Governor Christie over the bridge and whatever, do you think all these attacks are unfair?
Do you really think?
Hell, yes, I do.
Land, yes.
Over the bridge, come on.
Yeah.
Now, the government, we'd have our political enemies straight up framed for interracial pederasty.
This bridge thing barely deserves a stern talking to us.
But you specifically said that the liberal media was being unfair to Governor Christie.
Did I just say that?
Yes, you did.
You said that.
Yes, you said the book.
Okay, sure.
That sounds like something I'd say about 30 seconds ago.
I guess I did.
Yeah.
But it's all sitting down if possible.
I drunk down some reporter letting that one fly.
Honestly, that Jim's life man, I don't remember.
You don't remember.
You're telling me you don't remember.
Well, Jimmy, as a general rule, anything I say at sunset should be thinking with a grain of salt.
Maybe lemon wedge, you know what I mean?
Yes, I think I do know what you mean with a lemon wedge.
Listen, I want to ask you.
Give me the failey barber.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
I know who this is.
All right, listen, Governor, we got to go.
Thanks for I appreciate you taking time out with us today.
Wait, now where's my main lover's pizza?
Well, this is Jimmy Doerr from the Jimmy Doer show.
I thought you were dominoes.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
All right.
That's Haley Barber, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh, one of my all-time favorites, Haley Barber.
Hope you enjoyed it.
And I'm going to very briefly say, hey, you're looking for a way to help support the show.
I want to thank everybody who likes the easiest way to support the Jimmy Doer show, and that's by using our Amazon.com box.
The next time you want to buy something on Amazon.com, if you click over on our Amazon.com box at jimmydoorcomedy.com, it'll take you to Amazon.com and then you buy something and then they send us money and it doesn't change the way you shop at Amazon and it doesn't cost you anything.
So it doesn't cost you any money, but it sure does helps it worth the show.
So thanks to everybody who already has used our Amazon.com box.
It really does help support the show and I appreciate you thinking about us yippity yappity.
Okay, we have a couple other ways you can help support the show and we'll let you know about them later on.
But let's get to the second half of the Jimmy Doer show.
We got a phone call from Ted Cruz, Barack Obama, Herman Cain, lots of other stuff in the second half.
Here we go.
*music*
Hey, welcome back to the second half of the Jimmy Doer show.
We've got a lot coming up in the second half hour.
Got a phone call from Herman Kane.
Phone call from Ted Cruz is coming up, plus a real obituary of, I mean, a fake obituary of a real Jed person, Jim Earle, with morning remembrance reading from the hilarious book Morning Remembrance is coming up.
But right now, I'm joining the studio from Mystery Science Theater 3000 on the phone from New York City.
It's TV's Frank Frank Conniff.
And in the studio, I'm with comedian Robert Yasamura and former writer for the Daily Show and the host of 30 Minutes of Crap.
It's Steve Rosenfield.
And right now, here's a word from the host of Comedy and Everything Else, Steph Zemarano.
What's so bad about a right to work state?
It sounds perfect.
You live in a state that has legally become a place where you have the right to work.
Isn't that the American dream?
To live and prosper at a career of your choice?
It's just that simple.
You want to work?
You can have a job.
What could possibly go wrong with that concept?
It's perfect.
As long as you don't mind working for whatever wage your immediate employer has in mind for you.
Imagine there are five openings for a labor-intensive job.
Keep in mind, there are 10 people applying for this job who will be hired.
Easy.
If you're willing to work for a slave wage, then the job is yours.
And we can finally say adios to those stupid unions who collectively bargain on your behalf.
You will become a modern-day indentured servant.
How cool.
How retro.
Hey, did you know there's a whole new movement taking place here in Hollywood?
It's called Right to Twerk.
That's funny.
Next week, I'll discuss drones and how killing people randomly is just plain good American freedom fighting fun.
Adios.
Chris Crispy celebrates Martin Luther Burger King Day.
Nice.
He's a big man.
So I'm watching Bill O'Reilly on Martin Luther King Day, and here's how he started it off, ready?
Hi, I'm Bill O'Reilly.
Thanks for watching us tonight on this Martin Luther King federal holiday.
President Obama and race.
That is the subject of this evening's talking points.
Oh, God.
Okay.
This is not going to go good.
To his credit, Barack Obama has not used race in his quest for power.
First of all, I got to stop it right there.
Okay, the first sentence.
When he says he doesn't use race in his quest for power, does he mean the way, you know, how Newt Gingrich and Donald Trump and Mitt Romney and the entire Republican Party used race in their quest for power by race-baiting and demonizing and food stamp president and where's your birth certificate?
You mean like that?
Is that what he means?
In their quest for power that way?
Maybe.
And besides, his quest for power, hasn't he already succeeded becoming the president?
Yeah.
His quest for power was in 08.
Yeah.
Or yeah, 07.
I just think describing it as a quest for power is so telling.
But that's the way Bill O'Reilly looks at seeking government office.
His quest for power.
His quest for power.
Yeah, did George Bush use his religion in his quest for power?
Yeah, would he frame it like that with anybody else, Robert?
Probably not.
No.
Okay, so that's just the first sentence.
So there's a lot of people.
It's also admirable.
I think how Sherman Hemsley never used race in his quest for stardom.
Yeah.
Bill likes that Obama uses race as a weapon because that's Bill's thing.
By the way, I think Bill O'Reilly should probably speak a lot slower, giving his audience.
Yeah, I hear you.
Okay, so here we go.
As a mixed race individual, President knows how difficult that circumstance can be, but he has not addressed it in any substantial way.
Yes, he hasn't...
Again, that is to his credit because...
See?
Here you go.
As president, he represents all Americans.
The president has written books that deal with his life and challenges.
But in the public arena, Mr. Obama has been cautious and responsible on the race issue.
And by responsible, I mean that he has kept his black mouth fucking shut about it.
That kind of way it's supposed to be.
way it's supposed to be that kind of responsible and cautious behavior.
That's, yeah, you got to give him credit, Obama.
Yeah, he keeps his mouth shut and doesn't rub our noses in it.
Yeah, that's good.
When you find a good one, hold on to them.
And Bill, yes.
And Bill, it's okay, Obama's black, because Bill can accept that because, you know, he's not real black, right?
It could be so much blacker, Jimmy.
Yes, he could have been a lot blacker.
As Bill O'Reilly has pointed out before, what he expects from real black people is for them to yell for my MF and ICT restaurant.
That's right, Bill O'Reilly.
Yes.
So he gave a speech one time to the Black Action Network, Bill O'Reilly.
I think it was in 2006 or 2007 where he stood up there and said, you know, after 9-11, we forgot about that racism for a minute, right?
We all came together and they all started booing him.
And he goes, oh, I hear some yays.
I hear some no's.
You guys love me.
That's my ringtone, actually.
That's unbelievable.
Again, a white.
Okay, so here we go.
So here we go again.
Here we go again.
Here we go again.
What's the truth?
The truth is that the race factor in America is not an overwhelming problem anymore.
Yes.
Yes, so why do these race factor?
I like how he says he's on the O'Reilly factor talking about the race.
Is that another show on Fox I don't know about, the race factor?
He's branding the racism.
Yeah, yes, he is branding the racism.
It's not an overwhelming problem anymore, Frank said the rich white millionaire in his Manhattan studio.
Racism is not, it's that the rich white billionaire in between race baitings.
Yeah, racism is not a problem anymore.
In fact, so why do these people need to keep voting?
That's the real question.
They're obsessed with it.
Okay, so here you keep going.
Mr. Obama won two elections, and although his standing among white Americans is now in decline, that's primarily because of the economy in Obamacare.
It has little to do with race.
Oh, yeah, according to Bill, Obama's unpopular because of Obamacare and the economy.
Yeah, people hate that shrinking deficit and cheaper health insurance.
Boo, boo, cheap health insurance.
Boo, boo, cheap health insurance.
Okay, he goes on.
He's got more to say.
Upon his inauguration in 2009, Barack Obama had a nearly 70% approval rating.
Very high for any politician.
That proves the USA has made dramatic improvements in the race arena.
There's no question about it.
Yeah, so what do you guys tell?
Why do you guys keep bringing up this race stuff?
Look, can people like, we got a black president.
Come on, cut it out.
Stop talking about it already, right?
Come on.
It hurts enough, but you just keep mentioning it.
Yes, I mean, come on.
On Martin Luther King Day, we remember that man who freed a people, and I mean white people from feeling guilty about our enduring racism.
That's what, okay, keep going.
He's got more to say.
Finally, Talking Points believes that minority Americans do, do have a much tougher time succeeding in the marketplace, generally speaking, than affluent whites, for example.
Wow, look at that big admission that minorities have a tougher time in the workforce.
I like the way he believes it, whereas I just look at statistics and go, oh, that's the case.
Right.
He says, I believe.
I like how he says, call me crazy, but he goes, they have a harder time in the marketplace as opposed to, let's say, affluent whites.
That's a crazy example I just picked out of my time.
Yeah, let's just say.
You know, the reason affluent whites don't have that hard a time is because they're affluent.
And they're white.
And they're white.
Hey, listen, Bill's not saying there aren't still problems from minorities, but when they complain about it, it only makes Whitey dislike them more.
You're not helping, guys.
You're not helping.
You're not helping.
Here we go.
He's got more to say about it.
But it all comes down to something that is accessible in America: education and personal responsibility.
Black Americans should understand that if they study and work hard, they will likely succeed in this country.
And that's the message about race that all good and honest people should be promoting.
He's sending this message out to lazy black people who don't know the way he does that we're hard work and education is helpful.
You mean the lazy black people that watch his show?
So what he's saying.
He's saying, look, if you're a black person, here's a piece of news for you that you need to hear from me.
You have to work hard and succeed.
That in itself was racist.
Yes, that's him saying, look, if you're black, quit correct.
Don't sit around looking for a handout.
All you have to do is work hard and you'll make it in America.
So if there's a black guy, and if there's parts of this country that has impoverished a lot of African-American communities, that's not because of a 400-year legacy of institutional racism and they just got the right to vote a generation ago.
That's not because of that.
That's because they didn't work hard.
That's why if there's an unsuccessful black who's poor, or if there's a single mom or poor, if there's poverty, that's because those people aren't working hard enough.
The people in Detroit aren't working hard enough.
That's what's so if you're unemployed and you're a minority, you're not working hard enough.
That's what Bill O'Reilly's message to you.
He's like, yeah, it's harder for blacks and minorities.
I think it might be harder for them in the marketplace, but you.
Who cares?
By the way, I assume the next audio clip you're going to play is the black community calling to thank him.
Yeah.
We didn't know.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, finally you said it.
Hey, Bill, thanks for the heads up.
So we're going to start telling everybody who's black, just work hard and you'll get ahead.
No problem.
Scott, we've built, this is Bill O'Reilly's one-point plan to end poverty in America.
You just go tell people we're impoverished, work harder, and then everything turns out.
Jobs show up automatically.
Good paying jobs just come back to a country if you work hard and he's on a network that tries to convince the American public to be really scared and upset because two Black Panthers were seen at a polling place.
And they spent tons of time trying to drum your among people about Acorn and the Black Panthers and any number of instances.
And they actually, when that Andrew Breitbart thing came out and it came out after he died, his explosive tape that was going to bring down Obama, which was a tape of Obama hugging a black guy and speaking a little more black than he usually does.
Oh my God.
They tried to treat that as a big revelation and a scandal.
I mean, that's their attitude towards Obama's blackness.
Yeah.
They're frustrated that people haven't been frightened enough from the fact that we have a black president.
Thank you, Frank.
Thank you for some exactly right.
They're still perplexed that people aren't more afraid of a black guy.
And that really is it.
And that endless loop they played of the picture of two black guys wearing berets outside of a polling place in Philadelphia.
Two guys, by the way, two guys.
All of a sudden.
What if they were part of a Monica Lewinsky society?
That's why they were wearing berets.
The same thing I think is Phil O'Reilly wants white people and black people to work together the way Starsky and Hutch and Huggy Bear did.
And now another reading from the book Morning Remembrance.
Funny obituaries of real dead people by Jim Earle.
Ralph Edwards, TV pioneer.
Ralph Edwards, the host and creator of Truth or Consequences and This Is Your Life, two of the most popular shows in television history, has just created another hit called This Is My Death.
During the 1950s, his shows were so popular, a town in New Mexico renamed itself Truth or Consequences.
Unfortunately, the truth was that it was too close to a nuclear testing range, and the consequences were cancer.
Every installment of This Is Your Life started the same way.
Edwards would surprise a hapless celebrity with the phrase, this is your life, whereupon the celebrity would finally get the message that his career was over.
Remaining active throughout his 92 years, Edwards also created such well-known shows as The People's Court, Name That Tune, The People's Consequences, Name That Court, The People's Tune, and Truth Court Consequences Tune People's Name.
Edwards requested his remains be surprised by a guy with a camera and a microphone and then wheeled into a room full of annoying relatives.
Very nice.
Good job.
Yay.
That was a reading from the book Morning Remembrance.
Hilarious obituaries of real dead people by Jim Earle, available at jimearl.com.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Hey, last Sunday, Mike Rogers, chairman of the House Intelligence Committee and Republican congressman of Michigan suggested that Edward Snowden had help from Russia when he exposed the government's secret program that spies on Americans.
Yes, he had secret help from Russia.
That's quite a theory.
Russia picked Edward Snowden's name out of the phone book, I guess, and said, we are very concerned about your Fourth Amendment.
Yeah, so after Snowden collected the documents that exposed secret surveillance programs, Russia said to Snowden, give the information to the New York Times and the Guardian because we're also very concerned about their failing circulation numbers.
Well, guess what?
Yesterday, the FBI and the NSA itself confirmed that Edward Snowden acted alone and was not aided by others.
So where did chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, Mike Rogers, think he could get away with saying this bullshit?
Oh, right.
Meet the press, of course.
These comments come after seven months of Obama saying that he welcomed a debate on NSA spying.
The president was so welcoming of this debate that it never happened.
To be fair, it would be pretty short debate.
We want to collect every American citizen's data.
You can't do that.
There's the Fourth Amendment.
End of debate.
Obama gave a speech last Friday where he asked the American people to trust him to get this right about the NSA.
And why shouldn't we trust him?
You know, just like we trusted him to regulate Wall Street and close Guantanamo.
The president, in his speech, refused to dismantle the surveillance programs in any way, but offered the odd reform of the keeping of Americans' metadata to private third-party entities.
Between surveillance contractors, Booz, Allen, and the internet companies, how many more third parties are we going to get involved in our government spying on us exactly?
In his speech, Obama made many promises.
And when Obama makes a promise, that promise can be taken to the bank and wait to see if the bankers approve it or not.
Obama stated that we'll continue to be the world's peeping Tom, but assure allied countries that we'll stop spying on their leaders, like German Chancellor Angela Merkel.
Now, I'm no historian, but I have watched the History Channel.
And I don't think it's such a bad idea to keep an eye on those Germans.
In his speech, Obama carefully avoided mentioning the Constitution and never mentioned the Fourth Amendment, but constantly brought up September 11th.
You see, if the United States is hit by a terrorist attack, the Constitution immediately becomes null and void.
And you probably don't remember that from your civics class, which is why I bring it up.
Government spying, secret programs, persecuting whistleblowers, lying to our own citizens.
The question to people like Mike Rogers and Diane Feinstein is: who's trying to turn us into Russia exactly?
So, you know, Senator Ten Cruz has been calling me lately, and he's just kind of out of his mind.
Like, he's not tethered to reality.
You know that about him, right?
Like, it's not making this up.
He often talks grandiose, and what he says is not making any sense.
And he's been calling me lately, and he said he was going to call me today.
And is that him?
Is that him?
Let's pick it up.
Let's see if that's him.
Hello.
Hello, this is Jimmy.
Good night, cow, jumping over the moon.
Hello.
Is this.
Oh, Jimmy.
It's me, Senator Ted Cruz.
Oh, hi, Senator.
Sorry, you just called me reading to my kids.
Caught you?
You called me.
Did I?
All right.
Do you want me to let you get back to reading to the kids?
Is that what you got?
Kids?
There are no kids here, are there?
But you just.
Senator, you called me.
I just wanted to remind everyone to tune in to my Republican rebuttal to the so-called President's State of the Union address on Tuesday.
Senator, you're not giving the Republican rebuttal this year?
Oh, aren't I?
No, you're not.
Then why is there a camera here in my basement and an audience painted on that wall?
I honestly don't know why, Senator.
This camera is made of wood.
On the side, I put a lightning bolt and the word super awesome camera.
Okay, now I've got it.
I was actually just rehearsing my speech for Tuesday.
Would you like a little sneak peek, Jimmy?
Don't you?
Yes, sure.
We'll be hearing.
My fellow real Americans, citizens of the Republic of New America.
Hello.
It is I, Ted Cruz.
Well, you just heard from the secret Muslim usurper from Kenya.
And wow, can you believe the chutzpah on that guy or what?
I mean, he didn't even mention the death panels or forced sterilization one.
Okay, I think I got the picture of what you're going to be.
And I was as surprised as you were by the president's decision to give herpes and cocaine to all American children.
Senator, maybe you should.
We here at the Oil Platform of Freedom don't think it's a good idea to give herpes and cocaine to children.
But when they are old enough, they can get the best herpes and cocaine they want.
And for the best price from the competitive biotech merchants here in New America.
That's what I call freedom, don't you?
Senator, nothing you're saying is true.
Now, like all my fellow citizens, I'm looking forward to this year's Hunger Game.
Should be a good one.
Last year, we had two victors.
Could you believe that?
What crazy surprises might happen this time?
You're just, that's just from Hunger Game Books.
That's you.
That cat Miss Everdeen sure is adorable.
Maybe she'll make a guest appearance.
Who knows?
Senator, you've completely disconnected from reality here.
Have I?
Yes.
Well, I'll take your word for it, Jimmy.
Now, if you'd excuse me, good night, bears, and good night, shares.
Senator, isn't this just a ploy to get back into the public eye?
Why, whatever do you mean, Jimmy?
Since my ultra-successful filibuster last year, all anyone can talk about is Ted Cruz.
I'm pretty sure that's not true, Senator.
Why, just the other day, I got in trouble for throwing eggs at my neighbor's house.
That wasn't you, Senator.
That was Justin Bieber.
I'm pretty sure that was me, Jimmy.
Or what about the time I danced with Robin Sick at that thing with the foam fingers?
That was Miley Cyrus.
Or the baby that I just had with Kanye West.
Senator Cruz, I really think you may need to go see a doctor because you keep.
Good night, kittens, and good night.
Senator.
Don't yell at me, Jimmy.
You know what?
You are a toxic person, Jimmy.
And I think you might as well just stay an old America and have yourself a forced abortion.
And that's one to grow on.
Bye-bye, Ted Croon.
Ted Cruz, ladies and gentlemen.
Call it in.
Thank you, Ted.
I kind of like him.
Take care.
Take care.
Okay, so that's the that's you know what that was supposed to be the show and I was but guess what I'm gonna put another Barack Obama phone because we talked to Barack Obama about his big announcement and what have you and the speeches and the Edward Snowdens and so well anyway here it is there's our conversation with Barack Obama before we get to Herman Cain I got President Barack himself Obama is on in front.
Hello, Mr. President.
It's Jimmy Doer.
How you doing, buddy?
Hey there, Jimmy.
How's your book coming along?
Pain in the ass, Mr. President.
Pain in the ass.
Well, I hear you, Jimmy.
I wrote a book.
Actually, I wrote two.
Yeah.
But maybe it just comes easily to me.
I don't know.
Yeah, they did pretty well, too, both of your books.
If you want me to read what you've got and give you notes, I could do that.
You have time to read my book and give me notes, really?
You got that kind of time?
I'll tell you the truth, Jimmy.
I don't.
But if you want, I'll be happy to send an email to your editor asking her to get off your back.
Hey, listen, Mr. President, I wanted to ask you about your speech last week regarding the NSA.
Yeah.
Let me guess, Jimmy.
You hated it.
Yeah, well, there wasn't much in it to like, sir.
I'll be honest.
I don't have a 43% approval reading because guys like you are kissing my ass.
Mr. President, it's a speech you essentially said you're going to keep the current system in place where all of our phone and email data is collected and turned over to the government.
And now none of that's going to change.
No, that's not true, Jimmy.
We're making a lot of changes.
Really?
Like what, Mr. President?
What kind of?
Wanted to create a panel of advocates from outside the government to provide an independent voice in significant cases before the FISA court.
Yeah, but we all know that the FISA court's going to rule in favor of the government.
The NSA always wins.
Isn't that right?
Jimmy, even Perry Mason didn't win every case.
No, he did win every case.
You're wrong, Jimmy.
I had Attorney General Eric Holder investigate this, and he discovered Perry Mason lost one case.
How did you find that out exactly?
We hacked into the archives of CBS.
Okay.
Listen, Mr. President, after all the outrage over Edward Snowden's revelations, you continue to defend the NSA instead of being on the side of our Constitution.
Yeah.
Picked up as a Republican president, Jimmy.
You'll miss the shit out of me.
You know for a fact I suggested numerous reforms of my speech.
Yeah, well, Glenn Greenwald said your reforms are completely cosmetic and meant to quell dissent while leaving the system exactly how it is now.
That's what Glenn said.
Oh, Glenn Greenwald doesn't like my ideas.
I'm shocked, Jimmy.
Where does he live in Brazil or some shit like that?
Yeah, he lives in Brazil.
Excuse me.
I got a little sarcastic there.
That's not my thing.
Okay.
Someday, God willing, there'll be a person of color in the Oval Office who screams at Andrew Mitchell like Richard Sherman, and nobody will bet not.
We're not there yet.
You know, it's just that your suggestions were so lame, right?
Do you really think all this metadata is going to be turned over to a third party for safekeeping?
As if that's a better idea.
But it's never going to happen anyway.
Why do you pretend that that's even a reasonable solution?
Man.
Sometimes I wonder why I waste my personal charm trying to win over a guy who voted for Ralph Nader.
I'm warning you now, Jimmy.
When I'm not president anymore, you're going to get so nostalgic for Barack Obama, you're going to cry yourself to sleep looking at my inauguration videos.
Okay, so essentially, Mr. President, what it comes down to is because of 9-11, we have to give up our privacy.
Is that correct?
I'm all for privacy, Jimmy, but I'm also for the right of every New Yorker to get on a subway that doesn't blow up, especially in an election year.
Yeah, well, let's face it, right?
You've completely caved in under surveillance state.
And you're not ashamed at all, are you?
This is the thanks I get for lightning up my stand-on weed.
Didn't you just read what I just said about legalizing pot?
Yes, I did.
You said pot was no more dangerous than alcohol.
That's what you said.
And I swear when I said that, Jimmy, I was thinking of you.
Oh, thank you very much.
I'm flattered, Mr. President.
I really am.
So does that mean the Justice Department is going to stop raiding medical marijuana shops all over the country?
I can't promise you anything, Jimmy, but we'll try to steer clear of the ones you go to.
Okay.
It just seems that you're coming to this pretty late, you know, like the way you were drag kicking and screaming to endorse gay marriage.
Now the same thing.
I smoked weed as a kid, Jimmy, so I know a little bit about its drawbacks.
To tell you the truth, quite a bit.
Really?
Like what?
Did it make you paranoid, Mr. President?
No, Jimmy.
Being the first black president, that makes me paranoid.
Okay.
Well, listen, thanks for calling into the show, Mr. President.
Super appreciate it.
Sure, Jimmy.
And let me know if you need a blurb for your book.
Wow, wow.
Against my better judgment, but I just might take you up on that, Mr. President.
I was being sarcastic again, Jimmy.
What are you high?
Yeah, I am high.
Mr. President, thank you very much.
Thank you.
Okay, that's our show for this week.
But, you know, there's more show.
There's a lot more show.
We're going to do a whole thing on Chris Matthews had on the Kennedy Brothers.
He had a Patrick Kennedy and his cousin, Peter Lawford's kid, to talk about Barack Obama's marijuana news, new marijuana stand.
It was unbelievable.
Okay, we didn't get to it in today's show, but we're going to put it on the premium.
And wow.
Anyway, so there's that.
Plus, Herman Kane calls in, right?
Herman, what do you think about this bridge and Chris Christie?
And, you know, you might actually have a chance now.
Wait, hold on.
Yeah.
What?
Hold on for what?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought I was confused from the, hey, how are you doing?
We talking about Chris 50.
Yeah, we're talking about the room section.
He's getting railroaded.
By MSNB, motherfucking Steve.
So that's in the premium content this week.
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Thanks, everybody who's used our Amazon box.
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It's for Sherry's Berries.
And you've heard me talk about this before.
They're the biggest, most gigantic strawberries you've ever saw.
They cover them in chocolate and white chocolate, which it turns out I like more.
And anyway, they've got a great deal.
If you send these to someone, they will be duly impressed.
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If you go to berries.com, B-E-R-R-I-E-S dot com, you click on the microphone, you type in our code, which is Jimmy D, and then you can send, they've got half a dozen berries, these huge strawberries covered in chocolate and coconut and whatever.
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Thanks for the premium donors, the people who use Amazon and for the people who use our Sherry's Berries promotion.
Thanks very much.
Okay, that's it.
Hey, by the way, February 21st, we're doing left, right, and ridiculous one more time at the fake gallery.
That's February 21st, the Friday after Valentine's Day.
I'll tell you all about it more.
And there's, and there's a, you can go over to JimmyDorkomedy.com and you'll see more, there's more info over there.
But that's coming up in a couple of weeks, a Friday, February 21st, 8:30 p.m. show, left, right, and ridiculous.
And the last one was crazy hilarious.
Troy Conrad was off the hook funny with us, George Bush.
Was really funny.
Everything was great.
Anyway, so and it was a sold-out show.
So we look forward to seeing you February 21st.
That's a Friday, 8:30 p.m.
Okay, and we'll see you on the premium.
And that's right.
Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Mike McRae, Jim Earl, Steph Samurano, Steve Rosenfield, Robert Yasamura, and Mark Van Landuet.
All the impressions.
All the voices today performed by the one and only Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcrae.com.
And a big shout out to the guy who helps our computer stay running and he can fix your Mac right over the internet if there's something wrong with it, Sean James.
And you just send him an email at MacHelp at SeanJames.com.
And you spell Sean S-H-A-U-N, and he'll fix it for you right over the internet.
It's great.
Okay.
So that's it for this week.
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