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Jan. 11, 2014 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program, the Jimmy Dore Show.
This week, former Secretary of Defense Robert Gates dipped back into the spotlight long enough to throw some much-needed dirt on President Obama.
In his new memoir, Gates criticizes Obama for being suspicious of his general's advice on Afghanistan.
And there's no excuse for that other than the fact they were generals giving advice on Afghanistan.
Gates claims Obama thought our involvement was a waste of time and just wanted to get out.
When, of course, we all know it's been a huge success and we should stay as long as possible.
The former defense secretary was originally brought in late during the Bush administration to relieve Donald Rumsfeld, who got into trouble in the 9th with bases loaded after confidently predicting a romp against Iraq.
The newly elected Obama kept him on as Secretary of Defense in a show of post-9-11 unity that only Democrats ever have to make.
Gates also claims Obama and Hillary Clinton both opposed the Iraq surge for political reasons, as opposed to why Bush invaded Iraq in the first place, which was for absolutely no reason.
In addition, Gates attacks Vice President Biden for being wrong on every national security issue for the past 40 years.
Whereas Bush and Cheney were only wrong about Al-Qaeda from January 20th to September 10th of 2001.
Gates says he was so angry at the Obama White House, he thought of quitting.
But that wouldn't have been the best way to protect the thing he loved most, his pension.
Since the early 70s, Gates has been respected in Washington for being a loyal career man, though now it turns out he was only loyal to his career.
At least he didn't say that Obama giving the order to kill bin Laden was the coward's way out.
Nice job.
Thank you.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
the show for the kind of people It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard talking to you guys.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dorm!
*outro music*
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's show.
I am joined in the studio to my right from Turner Classic Movies, What the Flick, and a lot of other stuff.
It's my good friend Ben Makowitz.
Hi, Ben.
How are you?
James.
Good to see you.
Cross the glass for me, former writer for the Daily Show.
You're here at the top of the show.
It's Steve Rosenfield.
Hey, Steve.
Hey, Jimmy.
Good to see you.
Happy New Year to you.
Happy New Year to the man next to him, hilarious comedian from Team Yasamura.
It's Robert Yasamura.
Hey, Robert.
How are you?
I'm fantastic.
Cross from her, him.
It's her.
Across from him, it's her.
I think it's she.
It's she, the host of Comedy and Everything Else.
It's our resident Latina Mexican person, Steph Zamorano.
Hi, Steph.
Hola, Jimmy.
Oh, thank you.
Ola back.
Hey, let's get to the jokes before we get to the jokes.
Oh, by the way, Frank is busy tonight, cannot make it to the show.
I can't imagine anything being more important than doing this show, but apparently he found something.
I don't know what it is.
I don't know what it is.
Maybe.
Did you know the Supreme Court of the United States blocked gay marriage in Utah?
And the reason was because the idea of one person declaring eternal love to one other person creeps Mormons out.
Hey, Stephen Seagal may run for governor of Arizona, which in all likelihood, if he wins, will result in that state going straight to video.
Hey, Liz Cheney's dropping out of the Wyoming Senate race because she believes that she can be a bigger bitch to her sister in the private sector.
You know, Liz Cheney dropped her out of the Wyoming Senate race will be followed inevitably by her dad declaring her a victor in the Wyoming.
You know, it's hard to get elected if your last name is Cheney.
There's a reason Princess Leia didn't go around calling herself Leia Vader, okay?
That's for the nerds out there.
Hey, did the weather?
But it was cold.
We had a cold snap, had a cold snap in the United States.
And, you know, it was so cold in Chicago that it felt like the inside of the heart of someone who voted against extending unemployment benefits.
That's cold.
That's very cold.
Very cold.
To the right-wingers out there, I say you can believe in global warming in the middle of a snowstorm if I can believe in evolution while watching Duck Dynasty.
Okay.
Hey, there was a conclusion to that traffic study on the George Washington Bridge.
Chris Christie's response to the public outcry over the George Washington bridge scandal was, let me eat cake.
You know, he, Chris Christie, biting up, but he's upset, right?
He is promising vindictive retribution against any staff member who engaged in vindictive retribution.
You know, at the press conference he gave today, long, like an hour and a half, they said.
That was a good thing for Chris Christie because he burned a lot of calories digging himself a deeper hole.
And by the way, the George Washington Bridge will never be renamed the Chris Christie Bridge, even though Chris Christie once cut down a cherry Garcia tree.
All right.
What's coming up on today's show?
Coming up on today's show, we're going to take a look at the Chris Christie fiasco and the George Washington Bridge and everything that's surrounding it.
Plus, Don Lemon decides to do some talking points for the right wing and interviewing Debbie Wasserman Schultz about the bridge.
Plus, we're going to talk about Melissa Harris Perry's endless apologies.
We'll also talk about, oh, Jim Kramer and Joe Scarborough come out against marijuana on television.
We're going to talk about that.
Plus, we got phone calls today.
Phone calls today from Rick Perry, John Boehner, Chris Christie, the Pope, and Mitch McConnell, and a lot lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
*music*
Okay, now, you know what?
I didn't know, but Governor Perry left me a voicemail right before Christmas, and I didn't get it.
And so here it is.
Here's Governor Christie.
I mean, Governor Rick Perry.
Hey, Jimmy, this is Rick Perry, three-term governor of Texas.
Could have had a fourth term, but I already solved out Texas' problems and didn't want to jump ashore.
That's nice.
How you doing?
Well, I wish you and yours a Merry Christmas.
I'm very excited, Jimmy.
It's closing in.
My stockings is hung by the chimney with care.
I like to just look at them stockings hanging there by the chimney with care.
Very relaxing.
This is a time to step back on our laurels and make our Christmas wish list.
What's on your face?
Okay, Jimmy, here's wish number one.
Let's hear it.
Every night I drop to my knees and pray for things like goodwill towards man.
Hell, I don't give a damn whether it's Christmas or the 4th of July or the goddamn middle of February.
If they're my fellow man, I extend my goodwill to them, especially if they're from out of town.
Because, Jimmy, we have freedom of religion in this country.
And in Texas, multiply that by a thousand.
You can pray for anything you want, no matter how terrible a thing it might be.
Nobody cares what you believe or what you think about anything.
And nobody wants to know.
I mean, you specifically, Jimmy.
Okay, get ready for number two.
I want everybody to have a happy and healthy new year, especially in Texas, where we're leading the nation and denying the existence of Obamacare.
It's paying off, Jimmy.
So far, only 14,000 Texans have signed up for Obamacare, which proves how bad it is.
In Texas, we stood up for freedom despite all the pressure to accept the federal government's billions for a Medicaid expansion.
Now, let me tell you, Jimmy, it's not easy to do something so counterintuitive.
But hey, if I could execute an innocent man, I can certainly stand up for the rights of thousands of sick people and not be able to afford a doctor.
And for no reason other than my spyful and perverse brand of hyper-partisan integrity.
Excuse me for rambling, Jimmy, but I spocked my eggnog with back meds.
Ted Cruz talks a lot about repaying Obamacare, but I stopped at Co.
He did.
Forget that Mexican border fence.
I built an impenetrable stone wall between Texans and hospitals.
Jimmy, did you ever notice how much I looked like Charles Prolin?
Yes.
Which is weird because he played George LeBron all the time movie that nobody saw.
I look nothing like that.
Sometimes it freaks me out a little bit.
Did you see my eyeglasses?
Pretty cool looking, Hall.
Glasses make you look intelligent.
Did you know that?
Sick man wore him and everybody thought he was this like totally different smart guy.
Number three.
Oh, damn.
I can't remember the third one.
Hey, Jimmy, if you're not doing anything between Christmas and New Year's, you should come down and visit me at the You Know What Head Ranch.
It's just going to be me and my wife.
I'll understand.
Okay, well, here's hoping a jolly fat man comes right down your chimney repeatedly.
All right, Governor Rick Ferry.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Hey, next Friday night, the Jimmy Door Show Live.
It's called Left, Right, and Ridiculous.
That's right.
Left, right, and Ridiculous.
We haven't done that show for a while.
We're doing it again next Friday.
Not tonight, but next Friday, January 17th at the Fake Gallery.
That's right.
It's the same place that we did our holiday essay show, and we're doing left, right, and ridiculous.
We used to do it at the UCB Theater, then the Improv Lab.
Now we're doing it at the Fake Gallery on Melrose.
That's 4319 Melrose Avenue, Melrose and Heliotrope.
And that's next Friday.
Ben Mankots will be there.
We'll have some of our favorite comedians from Saturday Night Live doing some stuff.
We're going to have some hilarious sketches.
If you haven't seen the show, come see it.
If you have seen it, you know how much fun it is.
So that's next Friday, January 17th, 8:30 p.m.
Fake Gallery, which is at 4319 Melrose.
That's Melrose and Heliotrope.
For more info, go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Tickets are $10 at the door.
On the morning of September 9th, 2013, David Weilstein, one of Chris Christie's top officials at the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, shut down two of the three access lanes in Fort Lee that led to the George Washington Bridge.
So drivers weren't given any advanced warning, creating dangerous traffic jams on local roads and brought and the borough's first day of school so kids could get to school, people couldn't get to work.
The lane closures were more than just an inconvenience for commuters because they delayed emergency responders from attending to at least four medical situations in the town of Fort Lee, including a 91-year-old woman who lay unconscious and died.
Yeah, so how did Chris Christie, so this was how Chris Christie was handling it before.
Remember how he was handling it before?
The cones, actually.
Unbeknownst to everybody, I was actually the guy out there.
I was in overalls and a hat, so I wasn't, but I actually was the guy working the cones out there.
You really are not serious with that question.
So that was Chris Christie.
Flippant.
Flippant, trying to be a bully, trying to be a JI.
You're not serious.
Trying to intimidate the reporter.
And here's Chris Christie.
Here's Chris Christie today.
Honest!
I'm out of guests.
I had a flat clear.
I didn't have enough money for capital here.
My trust didn't come back to the cleaners.
An old friend came in from out of town.
Someone stole my car.
There was an earthquake.
A ton of flood.
Come on.
It wasn't my fault, I swear to God!
laughter laughter Chris Christie, a little different too.
Yeah, a little different.
A little different today.
Yeah, I don't remember that part of the breast conversation, but I couldn't watch it all.
It was too long.
Yeah, yeah.
So here's, so no, so here's, well, here's, so here's his real excuse, right?
So here in his own word, so it's really not that different.
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah, it's well, here's what he said.
Here's what he actually said.
And this was the press release that he released.
It was a statement that Chris Christie released.
And I'm going to have it done.
Instead of reading it to you, I'll have Chris Christie do it.
I am outraged to deeply satisfy.
Not only was I misled by a member of my state, but this completely inappropriate and unsanctioned conduct was made without my knowledge.
One thing is clear.
This type of behavior was unacceptable.
His behavior is not representative of the About Administration in any way.
And people will be held responsible for their actions.
I can only tell you what said it up around you.
Okay, so let me go back to...
And let's just break it down a little bit because this is his actual statement.
Of course, he didn't read the statement.
We had to get him to read it.
So let's break it down.
Ready?
Here we go.
I am outraged to deeply sadder the line.
He is outraged and deeply saddened to learn that his staff was stupid enough to leave an email trail of their global requirements after closing down the bridge.
That would outrage me.
But that's all taken care of.
Those responsible are going to do the right thing by resigning and keeping their fucking mouth shut forever.
X nay on the edge, Brent.
I would never have dreamed that the people who worked for me would have closed that bridge simply because I told them to close that bridge.
This is what Chris Christie said.
Okay, so, and by the way, Chris Christie, this is him being humble.
So don't go to the bathroom or you're going to miss it.
All right.
Let's, yeah.
So here, that was that.
So here he is today.
This is him actually at the press conference.
I come out here to this office where I've been many times before.
And I come out here today to apologize to the people of New Jersey.
I apologize to the people of Fort Lee, and I apologize to the members of the state legislature.
Yes.
I am embarrassed and humiliated by the conduct of some of the people on my team.
All of the people who were affected by this conduct deserve this apology, and that's why I'm giving it to them.
I also need to apologize to them for my failure as the governor of this state to understand the true nature of this problem sooner than I did.
But I believe I have.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He didn't understand the true nature of the problem, which is I'm not going to get to be president unless you people believe this bullshit apology.
That is the true nature of the problem.
Is it not, Ben?
It's a real problem.
Yeah, the true nature of the problem was that, I mean, but he's telling us that there was this traffic study.
Yeah, I mean, so you knew that wasn't the true nature of the problem.
Yeah, because the study, because no one, you know, has the study in their hands or on the internet.
It's not getting emailed around.
Yes.
So that's his problem.
So he goes at this big press conference and he talks about how I didn't know it.
I got lied to.
It was my staff.
I can't believe that.
Oh, first of all, he's the victim, right?
So he was lied to.
So he's humiliated.
He's the real victim.
I mean, him and the 91-year-old dead woman.
But those are the two main victims.
The people in Fort Lee, they also had a tough time.
But Chris Christie's really going through something.
And he wants you to know it.
He says he, up until, I guess, two days ago or yesterday, he believed it was a traffic study.
He was believed, that was his thing.
That was like, ah, you know, where's the traffic study?
And then that guy, Barona, you know, when he resigned, they were scheduled to resign anyway.
Didn't have anything to do with it.
It's just jerking us off all over the place, right?
And, you know, if it were a traffic study and you're in that meeting, he would say, what was the traffic study?
So where is it?
So that's exactly what he would say.
You know what they said?
They said they didn't have enough time to gather the data.
That was their first response.
Well, so Chris Christie used to be a U.S. attorney.
So he knows how to do an investigation.
So when this bridge is happening, he doesn't do an investigation like, hey, who ordered this?
Where did this come from?
We still don't know who ordered it, right?
We just know that there was an email from his deputy chief of staff, right?
Her name is Kelly, Bridget Kelly, sent an email to another.
Sounds super hot.
That's like a super hooker.
I'm just kidding, right?
Bridget Kelly.
Yeah.
I could see.
I pictured Bridget Fonda when not super hot, but still pretty hot.
Bridget Fonda is pretty hot.
Okay, then I picked a good one, all right?
Stop fucking busting white balls about it.
Focus, guys.
Focus.
That's right.
So when this happened, he didn't go.
He didn't do an investigation.
Like, hey, show me where this started.
He didn't ask for a paper trail.
He didn't go, who came up with this ideal and show me idea and show me how we're at case.
None of that.
All of a sudden, he's caught blindsided.
It really wasn't a traffic study?
He made the smart choice in this speech to say, it's my responsibility.
It's my office.
And it's going to be enough to mitigate it.
This is not going to stop him from being.
I don't think so because he's screwed either way.
These are his hand-picked family, right?
This is his fat people he's known all his life.
And you don't know what that they're out there doing this horrible stuff.
You didn't know that there was a four-day bridge problem.
You're the governor of the state, and you don't call up the guy at the Port Authority who was your friend from high school that you appointed and say, hey, what the hell's going on at the bridge?
Everything you just said is more nuanced than most people.
No, no, but these are the questions he's going to be asked.
So these are the questions that aren't.
But I'm telling you, Robert, that he's not going to get past this.
I'm telling you, he's not going to get past because there's too many holes in his story.
So for instance, his deputy chief of staff sends an email to the hand-appointed guy at the Port Authority, this guy David Waldstein, right?
And all the email said was, time to create some traffic problems.
So what that means is there was already a plan.
People already knew about this plan.
She didn't have to explain it.
So where did this plan come from?
That's what Chris Christie did not answer today.
He didn't go, where did this plan come from?
Who thought this up?
How come you didn't do an investigation?
You're an ex-frickin U.S. attorney.
How come you didn't get to the bottom of this?
It had to be.
I wouldn't 100% agree with everything you're saying, but I'm telling you, he's going to get past this.
We'll see.
I am telling you.
Iron control, people got past it.
Dick Cheney out of the CIA agent.
He got past it.
You're right about it.
He's going to get past this.
Okay, all right.
All right.
You know what?
You make some good points.
You do make some good points.
Here's why I'm going to agree with first Jimmy rather than the pussy, second Jimmy, who's now like, I agree with you.
Well, he does make some.
You argued slightly louder, and so I agree with you.
No, no, he made good points.
No, he totally made good points.
But here's what David Wildstein said today.
Oh, okay.
What did he say today?
On the advice of counsel, I assert my right to remain silent.
And that's a reminder as he was called before some panel of lawmakers in New Jersey.
Like, this is going on.
Yeah.
Like, there's going to be a fact.
There'll be a federal investigation.
Yeah, you know why?
Because you close down a freeway.
You're like, hey, did we ever give any highway funds for that?
Sure, we did.
Therefore, we have jurisdiction and we can look into this.
I think this is just going to continue to follow him.
Maybe he'll get over this.
But I think if he makes it to the presidential debates or anything like that, I don't think he's going to make it that far.
I think it's a done deal now because I don't think his judgment who he surrounds himself with.
Well, that's the end of it.
And I think it's constantly going to come back to Biden in his tiny ass.
Did you see the field of candidates in the last Republican primaries?
Again, another good point by Robert.
He has missed a good point today.
Yeah.
Yes.
But that works both ways.
Did you see the field of candidates in the last Republican and the last Republican?
I sure did, Ben.
Yeah, and they were atrocious.
And Governor Christie would have had no chance whatsoever in that field because he's not even remotely conservative enough.
And his problems are, oddly enough, bigger than this.
But here's, so Chris Christie's initial Statement was this, right?
I am outraged and deeply saddened to lie.
Not only was I misled by a member of my staff, but this completely inappropriate and unsanctioned conduct was made without my knowledge.
But I got a copy of his original draft of that statement.
And it was a little different.
I am outraged and deeply saddened and full of gas and have an abscess to learn.
That was how it started.
Those chills were good changes, he made.
All right.
Nice to read the rough draft.
Yeah.
I got on the phone.
We're going to talk to him.
Governor Chris Christie.
Hi, Governor.
How are you?
All right.
Listen, Jimmy, before you ever start.
What?
Let me just say that two hamburgers, doesn't order fries, pancakes, hem sandwich, three sausage pizzas, two cherry pies, and a cake of diet of coke.
What are you doing, Governor?
I'm all there at lunch.
Oh, for your office?
No, for me.
That's a lot.
I'm an emotional leader.
This is a difficult period of time.
Okay.
This scandal's getting close to you now, isn't it?
Listen, a couple of guys got sloppy, and they've been taken care of, but I mean, I didn't know nothing about nothing.
Okay.
About three lanes of the country's biggest bridge, busiest bridge being closed for four days, Governor.
I had no knowledge of this.
You had no knowledge of lane closures ordered by your office to create gridlock?
I was never made aware.
You weren't aware that there were people delayed for hours trying to get to work.
School kids couldn't get to school.
Emergency vehicles couldn't get around.
You weren't aware.
How do you claim to not know about this?
Nobody called me.
My paperboy was AWOL that week.
We are looking into that.
You could have looked out your office window and seen the backup.
Okay, Governor?
Yeah, what about Benghazi?
Okay.
Governor, let's try to stick to the subject.
I think you're trying to distract people now because you have no answers for this.
Believe me, Jimmy.
Had I known that the busiest bridge of the country was closed down as a punishment to my political enemies, I would have definitely done something about it.
But believe me, even though every person involved in this scandal is a close personal friend who was appointed by me and has been revealed to know everything about it, I was kept from the true facts of the lane closures.
Can you believe how fucked up Obamacare is?
Governor, quits trying to distract us.
That website?
Are you kidding me?
Governor, get back to the people?
Okay, you're starting to sound weird.
Listen, you know what's funny is that you're not joking about this anymore.
Remember how you tried to laugh about it before?
That was before I knew that I didn't know what I was talking about.
Yeah, but you were joking.
No, a lot of those jokes were pretty solid.
I stand behind them.
Listen, let me, can I ask you directly, just because this isn't getting us anywhere.
Let me ask you some questions about the people who were involved directly, and maybe that will get us a little farther along, a little farther along.
No, I don't know no godfather.
No, no, I didn't say godfather.
I said a little farther along.
I'm not talking about Michael Corleone or anything, okay?
So let's get back to the.
Oh, well, Don Corleone.
Yeah, I was in the olive oil business with his father for a while, but I don't know no godfather.
Okay.
I want to ask you about the person who sent the email that started all this, Governor.
I want to ask you directly about Bridget Kelly.
Now, when it comes to Bridget Kelly.
No, I don't think I know Bridget A. Kelly.
Yeah, yes, yes, you do.
Bridget Kelly.
She's your deputy chief.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, the deputy chief of sale.
I don't know.
I don't know, Bridget Kelly.
Her father, Dito Kelly, I was in the olive oil business with him, but I don't know no deputy.
Okay, okay.
What about, can we talk about David Wildstein, the person she sent the email to, David Wildstein?
No, no, I don't know David Wildstein.
What are you talking about?
You appointed him to head up the Port Authority.
I don't know no Port Authority.
Of course, you know the police.
He was your old friend from high school.
You appointed David Wildstein to be the head or to be your hand-picked guy running the Port Authority.
Oh, David, David Waltz.
Yes.
Oh, that, David Waltz.
Yeah, no, I don't know who that is.
It's crazy for you to say that you don't know who these people are.
And for us to, you expect us to believe that.
Well, like I was out there moving cones.
Remember, when that was fun.
We all had a good laugh.
Okay, yeah, that was, but now it's not funny.
Out there with overalls.
Yes.
Wear fungaralls.
Yeah, I don't know.
You shouldn't.
I mean, people who work on bridges wear overalls.
What do you think they do?
I think, isn't that what you wear That's how out of touch I am.
Are you out of touch?
Yeah, like I was out there with a top hat and a chainsaw putting the cones out there.
Yeah, you don't know.
You don't know.
But I know how people do worldwork.
Yeah, you don't know how people do it.
Listen, I want to ask you a question about Senator Baroney.
Now, Senator Baroni recently.
Bill Baroni?
Yeah, Senator Baroni.
Oh, yeah, Bo Baroni.
Sure, I don't know.
What do you mean you don't know him?
He was at the Port Authority also.
Why are you pretending?
I can only tell you what Senator Baroni has said publicly to everybody in this office.
What?
Which is they believed a traffic study was necessary and they ordered it, but the way they did it was mistaken and they didn't follow protocols.
Really?
That's all you're going to say to me about it?
That's it?
There you go.
Okay.
Well, listen, I look forward to you the day when you stop lying about this.
I look forward to the day when there's an investigation, and I look forward to the day we know the truth of everything.
That's what I look forward to.
Listen, the truth is that everybody knows the truth, and nobody really gives a shit.
What do you mean?
I'm going to be president of Fat Bully, and nothing, nobody is getting in my way.
Do you understand me?
Okay.
Wow.
You know what?
Your bullying ex actually does work.
It scared me a little bit.
So, all right.
Well, thank you, Governor.
I appreciate it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So.
Okay.
Governor Chris Christie.
Yeah.
Bye.
Thank you.
Bye.
Bye.
Thank you.
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Okay, now let's get back to the second half.
I got John Boehner on the line.
Oh, wow.
I haven't talked to John Boehner in a while.
Hey, John, how are you?
We're going to bang this fucker out.
Okay, how are you?
All right.
Here we go.
Hey, John.
How are you, buddy?
Jimmy, this was John Boehner.
I know.
Speaker of the House of Representatives.
How are you?
Another year, another bag of bullshit.
Jimmy, I don't know if I could do another year of this.
What are you talking about?
Isn't as easy as it looks.
What are you talking about?
Last month, me and the Republicans had to pretend we gave two-thirds about South African aperte as Nelson Mandela.
Oh, I did enjoy his narration for the March of the People.
That wasn't Martin Eddie.
I don't care what you say.
Seeing a bunch of black people assert their authority over an oppressive government gives me the heebie-jeebies.
Okay, what's on your agenda for coming up for 24?
Well, the agenda is immigration reform again.
Part of this job is when I wake up from a blackout and don't have to learn any new talking points.
It's the beauty of being a Republican, I guess, right?
No news.
I'll ride this gravy train as long as they're selling tickets.
But I can't fake the energy anymore.
You're not getting any help from McConnell to implement the agenda?
Preparing old fishface McConnell for a press conference is like wheeling out grandpa to the dinner table and reminding him his children's names.
Jesus.
What else is bothering you, John?
Come on, it sounds like something else is bothering me.
Damn, the tea party nagging me all the time.
I've spent hours with teabaggers trying to convince them that I was that shit insane enough for their support.
They work?
If Ted Cruz wants to be king of the nitwits, be my guest.
People are one step up the evolutionary ladder of shitting into their hands and throwing at each other.
And dealing with the rest of the party is no picnic either.
I hear you.
I hear you.
Southerner from South Carolina, Lindsey Graham, keeps inviting me to a lemon party.
What's a lemon party?
I have no fucking idea.
I keep putting them off because God knows what kind of stuff those backward hillbillies get up to.
I asked Graham if they get color television at South Carolina.
He said, oh, yeah, we get the Cosby Shell, Sanford and Son.
Jimmy, what?
I can't wait to get off this Ferris wheel and get on the right-wing speaking circuit.
I tell you, that money is going right up my nose.
Good for you.
That reminds me, I got to switch my seasonal tannin again.
Yeah.
For the new year, I am changing from basketball orange to cook turkey.
Yes.
Okay, good for you, John.
Time for me to get plastered.
All right.
You enjoy your drink, and thanks for calling us, buddy.
All right, Jimmy.
As we Republicans say every holiday season, fuck you and your entire family.
Senator Bader, Congressman Bader.
Thank you.
you you Thank you.
Thank you.
As if we needed another example of how the least informed and most out-of-touch people are now charged with bringing us news and information.
Here is Joe Scarborough and his crew talking about the legalization of marijuana.
I warn you, this clip is so bad that Mark Helperin is the hero.
Okay, here we go.
Talking about marijuana.
Here we go.
I don't get it, man.
I don't care.
I don't get the legalization thing.
I don't want to get too much into it.
I mean, seriously, it just makes you dumb.
Pot just makes you dumb.
I hung around a lot of guys that smoked a lot of pot.
Thank you.
And never once did I say, hey.
Did you hear Jim Kramer?
That was Jim Kramer.
Thank you.
Thank you for saying that.
And Jim Kramer's right, you know.
Finally, Joe Scarborough, thank you, Joe Scarborough, for sticking your chin out and saying pot makes you dumb on national TV.
Finally, somebody in the establishment is speaking out against pot.
And that's what makes Joe Scarborough such a maverick.
He's not afraid to buck his conservative Republican base and take a courageous stand against pot.
It's called courage, right?
You have to admit, it does take a lot of balls for him to publicly say exactly what everyone else in his party has been saying publicly for 50 years.
Right?
A lot of guts.
Good for you, Jim Kramer.
Jim Kramer, thank you.
Finally, finally.
What world has Jim Kramer been living in where everyone is for pot legalization?
Finally, somebody on national TV is against pop.
Finally.
If only someone in the federal government would be against it.
Maybe someday, Jim, we'll be able to get it illegal.
Maybe we'll be able to lock people up for it someday, Jim Kramer.
I'm sorry, Jim Kramer.
Pot doesn't make you smart enough to drive the economy off the cliff.
Jim Kramer.
Jim Kramer, thank you, he says.
Thank you.
Thank you for saying that.
Jim Kramer, I don't know if you've seen his show.
These are the people charged with bringing us news and information.
The people who couldn't be less informed.
Jim Kramer, have you ever watched his show?
I have.
I've watched his show.
I wouldn't ask him directions to the freeway.
Jim Kramer.
These are the people that they hire to tell.
I don't believe any serious investor watches Jim Kramer's show.
Oh, inconceivable.
Inconceivable.
If you actually have money and you're investing it, you are not watching Jim Kramer's show.
Also, isn't there, can't we track him?
I mean, he says it.
Like, where's the study?
I mean, it wouldn't even be that hard.
So he keeps going.
Joe Scarborough's got more to say.
Here he goes.
He doesn't stop.
Never once did I say, hey, man, I'll tell you what, that looks like something I want to do.
Never smoked it because everybody that ever did just look dumb as hell.
Everybody who ever smoked pot looked dumb as hell to Joe Scarborough.
You mean like, you know, like dummies like Louis Armstrong, Paul McCartney, and Bill Clinton, real morons.
Idiots.
You look at these guys and go, what a dummy.
I bet they couldn't host a morning show and be wrong about everything.
I love how we live in a world where the guy making his stand, the host of the show, the opinion setter of the show, says, I've never done it.
Yes.
But I am going to render my opinion on what it does to you.
Right.
I'll tell you exactly.
It makes you dumb.
And how do you know?
It's my sense.
It's my strong sense.
Because in high school, so here's Jim Kramer, and he thanks Joe Scarborough one more time for standing up against Pot.
He's going to thank him.
And then he says pretty much the least profound thing I've ever heard someone say.
And then guess what?
Mark Helperin saves the day.
So let's play.
Here we go.
Here we go.
By the way, honestly, honestly, thank you.
Thank you for Christmas.
You're a brave man.
Talk about it.
Jim Kramer, you know what that is, right?
Please have him back on your show.
I'll back you up no matter what stupid, ridiculous thing you say.
Please have me back on your show.
I'm Jim Kramer.
Please, please, please.
Okay.
The battle is, look, here's why you don't do it.
Because you want to try to do well in life, and it's an impediment to doing well.
That's Jim Kramer's profundity for the morning.
Hey, look, here's the problem.
Here's why you don't want to do pot.
Because you want to do well in life, and it's an impediment to doing well.
I don't know if you've seen Jim Kramer's show, but I wonder if he's about to say cocaine, on the other hand.
Yes.
Not an impediment.
So Mark Helperin then, so here, well, let's get a running start.
Here we go.
Because you want to try to do well in life, and it's an impediment to doing well.
I mean, does that mean that?
Does drinking make you dumb?
Oh.
All right.
So let's watch Jim Kramer's face when Mark Helper says this, okay?
So let's watch his face again.
Ready?
Here we go.
Here we go.
Now watch it.
They're doing well.
I mean, does that mean that?
Does drinking make you dumb?
He looks to Joe Scarborough.
Joe, what do we say?
What do you say, Joe?
Whatever you say, I'll say, Joe.
Checkmate.
Joe, what do you, yeah?
He's like, ah, I didn't think this went through, did I?
I didn't think he was.
I never thought that anyone would bring up booze.
I didn't see it.
I just started talking off the top of my head again.
I'm on the show by myself.
Nobody calls me on anything.
Oh, my God.
Who thought Mark Helper would say something like that?
Okay, so here, so he says, says boot.
And by the way, that's classic.
Thank you.
Thank you, Mark Helper.
So here, and here it goes.
In large amounts.
I think in large amounts, yeah, it makes you dumb.
Did you hear Jim Kramer?
Yes.
Yes, that's it.
Yes.
In large amounts.
And like, you're still right, Joe.
Thank you.
Thank you, Joe, again.
Thank you.
Yes, in large amounts, it makes you dumb.
So Joe Scarborough goes on.
But I noticed over time, because I played music from the time I was 13, I did notice guys that would go out drinking on the- Yeah, I'm sure that would be great.
I bet the most inspired.
Yeah.
Yeah, I didn't realize Eric Clapton hosted Morning Joe.
It's great.
He played music since he was 13.
Here you go.
The weekends, which I didn't do.
Oh, so now here we go.
So listen to this little anecdote he has.
Okay, ready?
Notice guys that would go out drinking on the weekends, which I didn't do either.
He didn't drink in high school.
He sounds like he was a blast.
He's the only musician who doesn't smoke pot or drink.
I didn't drink.
I didn't smoke pot.
In high school, but he knew guys who did go out and drink in high school.
I never kissed a girl.
I never.
So here.
I didn't play sports.
I never had really, I never had real fun.
I didn't have friends.
No one came over to my house and I didn't go to their house.
So here, okay, here we go.
School, but they go drinking on the weekends.
And, you know, by Saturday afternoon or Sunday, if they didn't wrap their tree around a car, they weren't, oh, I don't want any morning.
What is he talking about?
How many, did he, like, lose seven friends who drove into trees because they were drunk?
In high school, they would go out drinking, which I didn't do.
And then on Saturday afternoon or Sunday, if they didn't wrap their car around a tree.
They didn't die.
They didn't die.
I'd see him on Monday morning going, what high school kid comes into high school on Monday morning hung over?
Yeah, totally.
First of all, it's impossible to be hungover as a high school kid.
You cannot be hungover.
It's like a hungover to a high school kid is like, oh, I don't feel perfect.
I don't feel like I could run to China.
That's hugo.
They don't walk in like they just even, oh, what high school kid walked around like that because they were drinking the day before.
Yeah, you know, Joe forgot about Sunday.
Yeah.
If I was Mark Halperin, I would turn to him and go, wait, members of your barbershop quartet were heavy drinkers.
Robert's on fire today.
So I think it's weird that Joe Scarborough would switch from demonizing pot with a fake anecdotal evidence to demonizing alcohol with fake anecdotal evidence.
Again, who shows up noticeably hungover on a Monday morning in high school?
That just proves that he's making this up as he goes along like a true narcissist, which Joe Scarborough is.
He has a narcissistic personality disorder.
And if you want to know what that is, watch his show.
The inability to apologize, to take responsibility for themselves, always telling grandiose stories, making it up as he goes, lying for no reason.
They do that all the time.
So he keeps going.
He's not done.
He's not done.
I played with a lot of guys in bands and on football teams that smoked pot all the time.
And they're, you know.
And you see, he put his head down.
He's nodding off.
And they're like this.
They're like this all the time.
The guys on pot would every once in a while have a silent moment of prayer.
What are you talking about?
He would have loved that.
He played football with the guys who smoked pot.
And here's what, so here he gets even worse.
Here he goes, ready?
By the way, little known fact, I coach football after college.
By the way, when you do this, when you're starting to make a statement of fact, it means you're lying.
And that's what he just did.
That's a little known fact.
I know that from a technology.
Little known fact.
I went to the store on Wednesday.
It's a little known fact because it's a small fact about you.
Yeah, and so here's this thing that's supposed to give him credibility, right?
Because by the way, little known fact, I coach football after college, and I would walk out.
I would walk out, you know, with my players, and I'd see some guys walking like this.
I'd tap them on the head.
I'd say, hey, you know what?
I'm not going to tell the sisters, but if you come out again, stoned.
First of all, he can tell that a football player is stoned because they're walking like this.
You can tell someone's high by sight, Joe, by looking...
Making it up as he goes.
I would see some of the football players.
And guess, and listen to what he says.
By the way, so listen to what he says.
He thinks this would be a good story to impress people.
And tell the sisters.
But if you come out again stoned, my football practice, I'm going to get you thrown in.
He's going to get you jailed.
Jail.
Jail for smoke.
And by the way.
I'm smoking pot.
And no one's going to ask a follow-up.
Like, well, did anyone ever get stoned the second time?
Did you throw anybody in jail?
So that's him being a bit.
That's his Bill O'Reilly moment, that pretend I'm a tough guy when I'm not a tough guy.
That's what that is.
Wouldn't it be great if anyone ever followed those things up, though?
Yes, it would be.
Did it happen?
Did you get anyone in jail?
How did that go?
Were they prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law?
Like, who'd you tell?
How did they prove the case?
My coach is trying to get me thrown in jail for smoking pot.
What a great camaraderie builder he must be.
He must have loved playing for Coach Joe.
Yeah, he's going to throw me in jail.
Usually the coach bails you out of jail.
This guy, he goes, you know, Joe Scarborough does his best asshole.
So, yeah, so that's what he's wanting to do.
He wants to.
Thank you.
So excessive alcohol consumption, by the way.
So he's demonizing pot.
Alcohol consumption is a third leading cause of preventable death in the United States, right after tobacco.
Okay.
Alcohol abuse kills 75,000 Americans every year.
Half of them from liver cancer, the other half from car crashes and mishaps due to alcohol use.
So that's a lot of people dying.
It's a lot of people dying.
Right.
So I'm sure.
So here's so here they brought on Sam, the founder of Sam Adams, Jim Cook, Sam Adams Beer, was on Morning Joe.
And, you know, given Joe's track record on drugs and hating drugs that are destructive, and we all see it, I bet Joe's going to give it to him for peddling a drug that sickens and kills so many people.
Sure.
Let's watch how they give it to him.
Ready?
Here we go.
Jim Collins.
He's the founder of the Boston Beer Company and brewer of Sam Adams Beer.
And he brought Amherst.
Jim, I hope.
Let's look at this thing.
I hope there are not Encyclopedia Britannicas inside of there.
So he's got a little mini cooler with him.
And Joe goes, I hope there aren't books there.
And what is in there?
Bottles of beer and glasses.
And he starts taking them out.
Here we go.
Oh, look.
Look at that.
Oh, look at this.
Willie's never had a good time.
We're totally let him at it.
Do you know, Willie, we are fining on this show, brewing together.
Yes, we are right now.
Yeah, anything that's brewed is good.
What is this?
Drugs are great.
Anything that's brewed, it's brewed.
Oh, we got drugs.
We're going to start drinking at six in the morning.
Nothing alcoholic about that.
No problem.
In fact, it's all this worship of alcohol.
They're worshiping it, right?
So it goes on.
Good for you.
good for you, he just said.
That encyclopedia Britannica is inside.
Here.
Oh, good.
Okay.
Oh, good.
Look at that.
Oh, look at this.
Willie's never had a good time.
You know, Willie, we are fining on this show, brewing together.
Yes, we are right now.
Yeah, anything that's brewed is good.
Good for you.
And good for you.
What are you pouring for us here?
What's that?
This is my original beer, Sammy Limes Boston Lager.
It's what I started brewing in my kitchen 28 years ago.
And can I just say if you're not going to drink it, pass it around?
Wow, it's weird because I thought he was going to get his ass handed to him by that teetotaling Joe Scarborough.
And what do you know?
He brought a cooler, starts passing beers to everyone, and everyone starts drinking them live on television at six in the morning.
And they talk about how great beer is.
And later on, they laugh about Mika's husband being obsessed with beer.
You know, I bet, you know, knowing Joe Scarborough, I bet when he realizes how comically inconsistent and hypocritical he's being, that it will really bother him.
And what do you say, Joe?
Pot just makes you dumb.
By the way, you know who smoked a lot of marijuana?
It is Tom Brokaw.
Oh, really?
Really?
Unsuccessful.
Fuck up.
Tom Brokoff.
Tom Brokoff.
Never going to amount to anything.
I got to be honest.
I've seen Tom Brokaw recently.
That's not something you want to necessarily say.
Well, Ted Turner.
Ted Turner.
Ted Turner.
Michael Bloomberg.
Sure.
Really?
Uh-huh.
George Clooney.
Rush Limbaugh.
Rush Limbaugh admitted to Smoking Pot.
That's right.
Rush Limbaugh.
Yeah.
Harrison Ford.
Harrison Ford's huge pothead.
Sanjay Gupta.
Sanjay Gupta, Doctor.
LeBron James.
Rand Paul.
Rand Paul.
These are people who are dumb.
Yeah, Andrew Cuomo, idiot, failure.
Big idiot.
And of course, George W. Bush.
Bill Gates.
Bill Gates.
Pot just makes you dumb.
But, you know, again, last thing.
I'm just going to end up repeating myself a thousand times.
Just why can't you say, I've never smoked?
I don't know.
Like that.
Why can't that be your opinion on this?
Why can't you go?
But by all the literature I read, it's not that bad for you.
Right.
It looks like the literature we may have misinterpreted, perhaps deliberately so for years, but I don't know.
I haven't smoked, and I'm not that interested.
It's weird that this right-winger is ignoring the facts of a situation instead of going with his emotional police.
That's weird how that's working.
It's almost like they're not interested in the truth of the situation.
It's almost like he doesn't care about the, it's almost like he's willfully ignorant about this on national television.
And that's my point, Ben.
These are the people charged with bringing us the news and information, and they're doing the exact opposite.
They're demonizing the drug that actually helps you medically and doesn't kill anybody, and they're lauding and cheering the drug that makes you dead.
Yeah, it's if your kid is going to, you know, I know people who go, I would never smoke pot in front of my kids.
I go, but you'll drink in front of your kids.
They go, yeah, I'll have it.
I go, well, you know in the long run that it's the booze that's going to screw your kid's life up.
It's not the pot.
Yeah, there's, you know, but they don't, so, but they've, that's internalizing.
There's right.
There's a stigma with one and not a stigma with the other.
The good news is, and undeniably, that stigma is going away.
It's like we're seeing it going away as we speak.
Hopefully.
Hopefully.
So one more time.
Pot just makes you dumb.
Damn it.
They're just everybody's got to have everybody.
You mean dumb enough to take your very limited experience and turn it into a policy position?
Really that dumb?
Don't you feel the fear from both Jim Kramer and Joe Scarborough?
Like they're just afraid.
Yes.
Everything, all that sort of the structure that held them and slipping away.
It's slipping away.
It's weed and gays and Jesus, what the fuck has happened?
Yes.
Hi, Popeye.
How are you?
Mahalo.
Wishing everybody a happy new year of our Lord 2014.
Okay, well, that's nice.
Happy New Year to you too, Pontiff.
I appreciate that.
Happy holidays.
You too, Bonif.
Happy holidays.
I drive people crazy when I say happy holidays instead of a Merry Christmas.
Okay.
Hey, are you calling us from Rome?
I see.
The Vatican.
How are you?
How are you settling into the Vatican?
How are you liking the Vatican?
Oh, peace play for the dump.
What do you mean?
How is it a dump?
When someone flosses a toilet downstairs, my shower goes all cold.
Well, listen, I wanted to ask you about some of your recent statements.
People have accused you of being anti-capitalist.
Yes.
You know what, Jeannie?
What?
You now all makes sense to me.
What makes sense to you?
Yes, how could I be so blind?
I don't know what you mean.
It's only the free market that liberates the people when the top owners are allowed to make products at the cheapest prices to be distributed without government interference or regulation, thus allowing the elite job-making peoples to save the souls of poor people.
Pontiff, I can't help you.
It sounds like you're completely changing your stance.
I see.
If everybody was completely selfish, it would be for the betterment of all mankind.
You should read ASLES slugs.
You mean Atlas shrugs.
It's not ASLIS.
Or three points in a pompana.
That's a musical.
What about what Jesus said in the Bible about helping the poor?
Where's your commitment to charity?
That's what I want to know.
Charity schmerity.
When Jesus said all that stuff about helping the poor, he didn't mean it literally.
He was being ironic.
I don't think he was being ironic, Pontiff.
I'm an alternative, Papa.
Poor people need to pull themselves up by their boots.
But what if they don't have bootsies to pull themselves up?
Free marketable start with them.
What?
Allegiance should be more like a business.
Really?
I thought it was already, Poniff, to be honest with you.
The Catholic Church is joining Alex.
Why?
Why would you join Alexis?
We want to guarantee we continue to pay no taxes like those other religious organizations, Googles and Facebooks.
Really?
So, well, I don't like where this is taking the church.
It doesn't sound like.
Right now, we're having a salvation sale just in time for a new year.
Okay, let's sell it.
Instead of making New Year's resolutions, how about getting some New Year's absolutions?
This week we're absolving two for one.
Could even throw in salvation for your household pet.
No, this doesn't.
I don't.
Your pet, what do you mean?
Take that little dog you kiss on the radio.
Oh, okay, my doggy.
And we don't discriminate against gay peoples with all their disposable income.
Well, even except the Jews.
This doesn't sound very spiritual, Pontiff.
I have to tell you that this is.
There's nothing wrong with conspicuous consumption.
Show me the money.
So in that case, I guess you're not angry at the German bishop who spent over $42 million on himself.
Are you angry at that guy?
Of course I'm angry.
Okay.
$42 million.
Think of all the little poor, hungry, deprived children we could have hushed up with that market.
Ah, Pope.
Jimmy, I must depart.
Okay.
Downstairs, they're serving Tootsie Fruits the ice cream.
Why did that make you laugh?
Why does that make you laugh?
It is a reference.
What is it a reference to?
What a Tucsi fruits.
Oh, you know.
I have some auto for you.
You know what, you know.
Hey, it's a racist, Mark Sprats.
Oh, Tootsie Fruits.
Tootsie Fruits the ice cream.
Can't suppose the fruits of the ice cream.
Oh, okay.
Should we cut that out?
Want me to cut that out and we'll redo this part?
Or what do you cut?
I think we should keep it at all in here.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay, Chico, we've been talking with His Holiness, Pope Francis.
Thanks for taking time.
Well, take care of it, brother.
What are you going to do tonight, Pope?
Tonight, I'm getting my ring gift.
Okay, Pope Francis, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
Okay, that's it for this week.
I wish there was more time for more show.
Well, there is more time, and there is more show.
It's the premium content this week.
What's coming up on the premium content?
Representative Peter King gives us a call, you know, from New York, and he's got a problem with nuns in Colorado.
There's a bunch of penguin women squatting in a bush waiting to kill you for masturbating on the Sabbath.
What is he talking about?
A bunch of penguin women waiting in the bush, waiting to kill you for masturbating on the Sabbath.
This is what you're saying to me, Tom?
Yeah, picture that.
I try to recreationally poke your wife.
I dare you.
I fucking dare you.
So that is happening on the premium content this week.
Also, Don Lemon from CNN.
Oh, my God.
I know people who like him.
Anyway, he pulls the ultimate false equivalency on the Chris Christie scandal.
It's a pretty, it's a sight to hear, sight to hear.
Is it a sound to see?
Anyway, so that's how do you get the premium content, Jimmy?
Well, you go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
You click on premium, you donate $5 a month.
That's it.
And then you get access to all the premium content.
Isn't that nice?
And if you donate for a whole year at a time, you save five bucks.
Isn't that nice?
So thanks, everybody who does that already.
Get your premium content this week and listen to Peter King and what we have to say about Don Lemon.
Also, just a quick reminder, next Friday, January 17th at the Fake Gallery, one of my favorite places to do shows.
I'm doing left, right, and ridiculous.
And Ben Mankowitz from Turner Classic Movies, and you know, he does the show with me over at TYT also.
Anyway, he's going to be with me, and we're going to have all the guys from the show are there, and we're going to do sketches and hilarious videos.
So if you've ever been to a left, right, and ridiculous, you know how much fun it is.
And if you haven't, come on out.
Since the fake gallery, that's next Friday.
It's an 8:30 p.m. show.
That's at 4319 Melrose Avenue.
And there's no links to click on or anything.
There's just go to there and you pay $10 at the door.
So that's the deal.
But there is more info at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And what else do I want to tell you?
Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Mike McRae, Mark Van Landuitt, Steve Rosenfield, Robert Yasamura, and Steph Samurano.
All the voices performed, that's right, by the one and only Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcray.com.
I want to say thanks to Sean James, who helps keep our Macintosh running, and he can help yours too.
He'll fix it for you right over the internet.
Send him an email at MacHelp at SeanJames.com.
And you spell Sean, S-H-A-U-N.
He's the best.
Okay, that's it for this week.
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