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Jan. 4, 2014 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Hi to all the listeners of the Jimmy Dore show.
We're going to take a look back at 2013, some important stories, some fun stories we enjoyed.
I hope you enjoyed the look back.
Happy New Year, everybody.
And please, if you run into Melissa Harris-Perry, please ask her to shut the fuck up.
Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
This week, the Supreme Court struck down the Defense of Marriage Act in California's Prop 8, paving the way for gay couples to legally marry.
Left unexplained in this debate is, why would they want to?
Someday gay married people may wonder why they fought so hard for the right not to be able to cheat on each other.
Of course, just like straight people, gay couples have long desired to create a secure home in which to raise children.
Again, why?
Haven't they spent five minutes with one?
A few years from now, thousands of gay married couples may glance at each other over their morning paper and wonder, what the hell was I thinking?
Unfortunately, no law on earth can eliminate boredom.
Homophobic Republicans took some comfort in the Supreme Court's other major decision this week to gut the Voting Rights Act.
The court's reasoning was that since the law has worked so well for so many years, we need to get rid of it.
Conservatives know that even though opposing gay marriage makes them more unpopular every day, at least they can go back to keeping black people from voting.
Maybe someday we can have a country where everyone has all of their constitutional rights all at the same time.
but I doubt it.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
...up-minded, lowly-lovered lapdies.
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you, T. And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Duller!
*outro music*
So, you know, you know, there is a 2011 opinion, 80 pages long from the FISA court.
If you don't know what the FISA court is, that's that secret court surveillance act.
That's it.
From 1978.
Foreign intelligence.
Foreign intelligence.
Surveillance Act.
And the secret court, it's the secret court that oversees the NSA, which just been outed by Eric Snowden for spying on everybody.
And in 2011, that court, that secret court, ruled in secret, right?
And it hasn't been publicly released.
Spoiler.
But it ruled that the way in which the NSA is spying on American citizens is in violation of the Fourth Amendment of the United States Constitution, as well as in excess of the limitations imposed by the statute, the FISA Amendments Act of 2008.
So it's breaking the Constitution and it's breaking the FISA Act of 2008.
So it's breaking a law and the Constitution.
So in other words, NSA is doing, what the NSA is doing, collecting data on American citizens, is both unconstitutional and illegal, according to an 80-page report written by the secret FISA court, right?
Now, that's a secret court.
It's opinion we don't get to read because it's all secret.
And do you think that would piss off a journalist like David Gregory, right?
But here is Captain Corporate Tool, and what he decides to do is to repeat the false government talking points about the FISA court ruling in an attempt to undermine the truth and the messenger.
Here, this is kind of hard to follow what David Gregory says here, but he's talking about the FISA court and what the people inside the government told him what's really happening.
And here's what David Gregory says to Glenn Greenwald.
Isn't the case, based on people that I've talked to, that the FISA opinion based on the government's request is that they said, well, you can get this, but you can't get that.
That would actually go beyond the scope of what you're allowed to do, which means that the request was changed or denied, which is the whole point the government makes, which is that there is actual judicial review here and not abuse.
Isn't this the kind of review and opinion that you would want to keep these programs in line?
No, David.
Your friends in the government are feeding you what's called bullshit.
Did you ever think of that, David?
Did you ever think that maybe those government people who have been caught breaking the Constitution might try to spin this story to you?
What's that, David?
It never did occur to you?
Of course it didn't occur to you, David, because if you were the type of guy that that sort of thing did occur to, they would have weeded you out years ago.
Frank, anything?
I never noticed before.
Just now occurred to me the key thing he says there is, according to people I've talked to.
Yes.
There's like a few powerful people who he talks to because they know he just is a softball guy.
And so he just takes that to be the truth.
And that's his reporting right there.
That's right there.
That's two or three powerful people who told him what they wanted him to hear.
And that was it.
That's exactly what.
That's exactly my point.
So he doesn't actually do any investigation.
He doesn't get a hold of the Pfizer report.
He doesn't talk to anybody from the FISA.
He just talks to the guys who are breaking the Constitution and he asks what they think.
And then he reports.
Well, he repeats what they say.
He doesn't report.
That's not reporting, repeating what those people told you.
But that is exactly what he does.
So here's what, you want something to say, Robert?
I'll say it at the end of this clip.
Okay, so here's what...
I don't know what government officials are whispering to you, David, but I know that the documents that I have in my possession and that I have read from the NSA tell a much different story, which is that there was an 80-page opinion from the FISA court that said that what the NSA is doing in spying on American citizens is a violation of both the Fourth Amendment and the bounds of the statute.
And it specifically said that they are collecting bulk transmissions, multiple conversations from millions of Americans, not just people that are believed to be involved in terrorist organizations or working for a foreign agent, and that this is illegal.
And the NSA then planned to try and accommodate that ruling.
But I think the real issue as journalists and as citizens is, why should we have to guess?
How can we have a democracy in which a secret court rules that what the government is doing in spying on us is a violation of the Constitution and the law, and yet we sit here and don't know what that ruling is because it's all been concealed and all been secret.
I think we need to have transparency and disclosure, and that's why Mr. Snowden stepped forward so that we could have that.
Wow.
So now to me, to me, that's a pretty thorough asshanding to David Gregory.
He completely debunked, told him, quit listening to the guy, the criminals in the government you're supposed to be investigating, and quit repeating their talking points because I have the report from the FISA Court, which you don't have.
So quit repeating and forwarding these false government talking points, plus lots of other stuff he just said.
Now, I wonder how David Gregory is going to come back from that.
Does he acknowledge the asshanding and say, I stand corrected like a gentleman, or does he push back and repeat another government talking point?
Let's see how David Gregory responds.
There are reports that he's ultimately headed to Venezuela.
Is that your understanding?
Oh, so he does the third option, which is to not even acknowledge the asshanding and change the subject, which is why he's the king.
He's the king.
Pretend like it didn't even happen.
And he just moves on to the point that's not important.
Where is Eric Snowden now?
Not an important point.
And yet the biggest story.
And yes, that's the biggest story.
You want us to go ahead.
Well, here's my, I actually think this is one of the few instances where David Gregory is perfect because he basically puts out the nonsense and the guy corrects him.
And so he's actually doing as an interlocutor what we as the public would want done.
So he's providing, he's serving it up on a tea, you're saying, to Greg Glenn Greenwald.
Yeah, it's probably by mistake.
It's probably just a pleasant accident of his incompetence.
But it is exactly what you would want from him.
Yes.
And the amazing thing is this week he actually had a good guest on who didn't just sort of parrot back those talking points.
You mean Glenn?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, I mean, he normally has people who would be like, yes.
Yes.
Well, it gets worse.
It gets worse.
I don't know, Jimmy.
Glenn Greenwald is just using facts.
Right.
Which, I mean, if you want to go underhanded and use facts, I guess you could do that.
I'm realizing that when I watched Dick Clark host New Year's Rock and Steve after his stroke, I was getting better investigations.
But here's the problem, right?
So David Gregory invited an actual journalist on his show, which he almost never does, right?
So it's screwing him up right now.
A journalist who actually broke a huge story of scandal and illegality.
And who's not in David Gregory's immediate click of Inside the Beltway pseudo-journalists that he hangs around with and live in the most insular world ever.
And so how does David Gregory reward somebody who's actually doing investigative journalism and exposing criminality and corruption inside of our government?
Well, he gives him a question like this.
To the extent that you have aided and abetted Snowden, even in his current movements, why shouldn't you, Mr. Greenwald, be charged with a crime?
What?
That's right.
To the extent that you have aided and abetted Snowden, even in his current movements, why shouldn't you, Mr. Greenwald, be charged with a crime?
See, see?
Because being a journalist isn't a crime.
That's a part of the job description.
That would be why.
Very good.
See, David Gregory's not used to having a real journalist on, and that's why David Gregory hasn't committed any journalism ever in his career, because he thinks it's a crime.
He's more guilty of aiding and betting government malfeasance.
David Greenwald did what he's supposed to do, which was take information and publish it.
Publish it.
Well, just the idea of using those words.
Just the idea of using those words, aiding and abetting, just poisons the whole well of how the audience is going to think.
Ooh, aiding and abetting.
Everyone knows that has to do with crime.
If he had said something like, do you feel that your job exposing this has been, you know, did you do anything wrong in your job exposing these things?
That would have been a logical question.
So he asked them that.
Shouldn't you be going to jail?
And here's what Glenn Greenwald says back to David Gregory.
I think it's pretty extraordinary that anybody who would call themselves a journalist would publicly muse about whether or not other journalists should be charged with felonies.
The assumption in your question, David, is completely without evidence, the idea that I've aided and abetted him in any way.
The scandal that arose in Washington before our stories began was about the fact that the Obama administration is trying to criminalize investigative journalism by going through the emails and phone records of AP reporters accusing a Fox News journalist of the theory that you just embraced being a co-conspirator with felonies for working with sources.
If you want to embrace that theory, it means that every investigative journalist in the United States who works with their sources, who receives classified information, is a criminal.
And it's precisely those theories and precisely that climate that has become so menacing in the United States.
It's why the New Yorker's Dane Mayor said investigative reporting has come to a standstill, her word, as a result of the theories that you just referenced.
Okay.
I have a question.
Does this David Greenwald, does he have merch?
Because I'd buy it.
Does he have like t-shirts?
It's Glenn Greenwald.
Glenn Greenwald.
And there he is handing David Gregory his ass once.
That was one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard.
And so now, Frank, your point.
Now, Frank, so here's how David Gregory responds to that.
Now, listen to what David Gregory does.
He kind of hides behind the skirt of journalism.
Here's what he says.
Well, the question of who's a journalist may be up to a debate.
Yeah, no kidding.
Especially on your show, buddy.
Hey, how many checks do you have to cash from a defense contractor in a bank before you're considered a journalist?
How many checks do you have to cash from a defense contractor, David?
I'm going to know, 80?
Okay, so here he keeps going.
With regard to what you're doing, and of course, anybody who's watching this understands I was asking a question.
That question has been raised by lawmakers as well.
I'm not embracing anything.
Okay, so anybody understands it.
Anybody understand?
I have zero balls.
I'm not embracing anything.
I'm not saying anything.
I'm doing nothing except sitting here being the mouthpiece for the man.
Go ahead, folks.
Oh, go ahead, Frank now.
Go ahead with your point.
The way he phrased the question was so not the way he just said it, because if he had phrased the question saying, you know, Representative Peter King has accused you of this being a criminal act and is saying you should be charged with a crime, how do you respond to Congressman King's charge?
That would be a perfectly fine question.
But David Gregory phrased it as a general thing, as if David Gregory, it was David Gregory's opinion or common opinion that Glenn Greenwald was committing a crime.
Right.
Yes.
So here's so.
So by the way, and David Gregory, such a lightweight phrased it in a way to put this guy back on his heels.
And he's surprised when the guy pushes back.
The guy hits a fastball out of the park.
Yes.
And this guy is just left going, oh.
Davido Glenn Greenwald was a lawyer.
Yes, he was a lawyer first.
He was a lawyer first.
Then he became a journalist.
And let me just say this.
So when David Gregory says, hey, I'm just asking the question here.
I'm not, but no, you weren't embracing it.
You were just repeating a government talking point verbatim in the first person.
Instead of debunking the government talking point, you repeated It in the first person as if you agreed with it.
And here's how, because here's how he could have said it, just like you guys were making the point.
He could have said, hey, you know what?
There are those who say incorrectly what you're doing is illegal, but we know it's investigative journalism.
What do you say to those people who incorrectly say what you're doing is illegal?
That's how he could have also framed it.
Yet he didn't.
He said it was directly accusing him of a felony.
Accused him in the first person with no skepticism whatsoever.
And for him to say, I'm just asking questions is the biggest gutless response to being handed his ass.
He got dressed down by a real lawyer on television.
And his only response is, hey, I'm just asking questions.
You don't know what journalism is.
In fact, the opposite is true.
David Gregory is getting a complete lesson in what journalism is.
And I love the way he does this thing where he's like, anyone watching the show knows that my group doesn't stink.
Anyone else?
Everyone's on my side, buddy.
Everyone's on my side.
Yes.
It's like, hey, which, wait a minute, which one of us is the host of Meet the Press and which is some guy in his living room who's pissed off because I'm calling him a traitor.
Sitting there with a lamp or something.
Yeah, I'm not.
Yeah, David Gregory's not embracing that position.
It just seems that way because he agrees with it completely.
It's an optical illusion.
Who's on the show?
This is John Boehner.
Hey, John.
How are you doing, buddy?
Thanks for joining us.
How you doing?
Feeling good and looking good.
It's great to be me.
So this has been a pretty busy week in Washington.
It looks like the Republicans in the Senate are not going to block the comprehensive immigration reform bill after all.
Jimmy, we're in a tough place.
Republicans can't win elections without more wines and barriers voting for us.
We have to let Hispanics know that the party of bigots is inclusive.
So you think you can convince them?
Hey, Poncho, instead of the Tea Party, how about the Tequela party?
Listen, listen, John, you were on television the other week calling the whistleblower Edward Snowden a traitor.
That's some pretty tough language, don't you think?
We Republicans have very strong feelings about this.
Yeah.
Senator Lindsey Graham told me he's very concerned about keeping secrets and blowing whistles.
What else is he concerned about?
Blowing whistles.
Okay.
Lindsey Graham assured me he'll be on top of the issue.
Really?
I see him more of a bottom.
Yeah.
But do you see your support for expanding the surveillance state in direct contradiction to the conservative desire for smaller government?
Don't you think it's a direct contradiction?
What are you worried about?
You seriously think anyone's reading your tweets?
No, I don't.
Yeah, you know, I don't tweet as much as I should, actually.
Who's complaining?
Well, Mr. Speaker, your whole take on the whole thing is...
What was that noise?
What was that noise?
Oh, crap.
Obama, is that you?
Is that you, Obama?
Hello?
No, no, it's not.
Yes, it is.
It is you, Barack.
Are you listening to my phone?
No, you called me.
No, I didn't, Mr. President.
Are you tapping my you're tapping my phone, aren't you, Mr. Perry?
Yes.
No, I was calling Boehner.
Hey, John, good game of golf last week.
Thanks.
Sorry, I handed you my butter and called you Caddy Boy.
No problem.
That club, I get called out a lot.
Okay, well, listen, listen.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute, Barack.
I want to ask you some questions.
Why do you want to prosecute whistleblower Edward Snowden for bringing more transparency to the accents of government?
Because when you were running for president, didn't you call for more transparency?
I did call for more transparency.
Not from me, from you.
But, Mr. President, don't you see that the National Security Agency collecting phone and internet data to monitor Americans is in violation of the Fourth Amendment?
Don't blame me that you didn't read the terms and conditions.
Are you happy that it's your old buddy Barack authorizing wiretapping and not Mitt Romney?
Well, those kind of arguments don't work on me, Barack, because guess what?
I got your number, buddy.
Well, I got your number, Jimmy.
In fact, I got everybody's number.
Okay.
There's nothing illegal about the government searching through your emails and knowing who you're calling.
You say it may be legal, but I'll tell you what, Barack, it's certainly unconstitutional.
Oh, check out Jimmy Door getting all Nancy Grayson.
Barack, you made me think you were on the side of Martin Luther King, not the people who were wiretapping Martin Luther King.
Get out of my face with that.
You're telling me you care so much about your privacy when you give your credit card number to dirty SanchezDonkeyPorn.com?
What?
What?
How did you know that I looked at Dirty Sanchez Dog?
Or gaping GuatemalanTrannings.com?
Hey, hey, hey, Barack, you're not, how do you?
Or gravy train cream pies?
I thought that was a cooking website.
I thought that was author gynecology secrets back on.
Mr. President, Speaker Boehner, don't you have anything to say about this?
What?
I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.
I was writing a restaurant review on Yelp.
Really, I didn't know that you were a gourmet, Mr. Speaker.
I didn't know you were a gourmet.
I'm not.
I was born right here in this country.
No, I mean that it means you really like food.
That's what it means.
I just like people taking my orders.
Oh, okay.
Barack, I'm concerned about this abuse that this kind of spying invites.
Jimmy, it's no big deal.
We've been tapping phones since Calvin Coolidge got paranoid that his wife was getting late-night snacks with the White House chauffeur.
Speaker Boehner, doesn't this upset you any at all?
Nah, I voted for it.
What would upset me is that Obama moved into my neighborhood.
You boys keep talking.
I'm going to go sneak out back for a smoke.
I got to go too.
Got myself a hot day with a teddy bed.
Okay, well, I've been speaking with Speaker of the House, John Boehner, and a surprise appearance by the President of the United States on the show, Barack Obama.
Over.
Syria, Benghazi.
Out.
Okay, that was out.
That was that.
The Jimmy Dora show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Hey, I hope you're enjoying this special look back at 2014.
We're going to be back next week in full force.
Melissa Harris-Perry, if you've seen what she's doing, it could not be more despicable.
There's nothing worse than validating false equivalencies and validating phony outrage.
And Melissa Harris-Perry, I don't know how she became a professor because it's obvious with all the intellect she has, she comes to the wrong conclusions about the biggest issues of her time.
I can't stand her.
I really, you know, she did with Edward Snowden earlier this year, which we covered.
And now her apologizing to the phony outrage on the right wing and pretending that that joke that they made on her show was somehow.
She's crying.
She cried.
She's crying this weekend.
Anyway, so I'm going to, we'll talk about that next week.
And I want to say thanks to everybody who's used the Amazon.com link.
Our link, you know, when you buy something from Amazon, if you use our link at jimmydoorcomedy.com, they send us money to help support the show, and it doesn't cost you anything.
And big thanks to everybody who's done that over the holiday season.
It really helps support the show.
So thank you very much for doing that.
God bless you.
Let's get back to the tomorrow's show.
Should we get back to more show?
I think Rick Perry's coming up.
Oh, I'm going to have the special phone calls from the Zimmerman defense attorneys and the prosecutor are going to call, and we have those special phone calls coming up at the end of the show.
Okay, now let's get to some more stuff.
Okay, on the phone, we got Governor Texas Governor Rick Perry.
Hey, Governor, I really appreciate you taking time joining us.
What the hell, Jimmy?
Is that all you're going to say?
What?
What do you mean?
You aren't going to stand on your feet and talk and talk until all unborn fetuses in Texas are piled up in Planned Parenthood dumpsters.
Okay.
Oh, okay.
I get it.
You're talking about the Wendy Davis filibuster, are you?
The what?
The filibuster.
You're talking about the Wendy Davis filibuster, right?
Jimmy, don't come at me with your fancy East Coast Jew words.
I ain't talking about no peanut buster parfait or whatever the hell is alluding to.
I'm talking about that bitch that won't sit down and shut her yak now on Texas Senate floor.
The Texas Senator Wendy Davis.
Is that who you're referring to?
Yeah, and don't get me wrong.
I've got nothing against her.
She's a perfectly attractive woman.
In fact, I would totally tap that if I weren't a closeted hell-nosed.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER But she messed up my abortion bill.
And I was so upset.
It completely ruined the spiritual weekend of love, tolerance, peace, and understanding I had planned at my niggerhead ranch.
Oh, my God.
Paula Dane was going to cook up a big pot of deep-fried lard cake served to us by smiling Negroes in plantation costumes.
Okay, okay.
Well, when you say pretending to be slaves, yeah.
Yeah, pretending.
Sure, that's it.
You know, Governor, you sound pretty down, right?
Me?
Hell no.
Depression is an emotion, and we don't feel emotion in Texas if you're a real man's man like me.
I always look at the bright side.
You're saying that every cloud has a silver lining.
Is that what you're saying?
Clouds, silver linings.
There you go with that fancy Northeast science talk, Jimmy.
And I know about clouds and climates, and I don't want to know.
I'm just telling you that I got a good reason to be happy.
Really?
How so?
Are you kidding?
Texas just celebrated its 500th execution since 1982.
It is good to be alive.
Really?
And you're proud of this?
You bet your liberal call me ass.
I'm proud.
But, Jimmy, we don't take execution lightly in Texas.
I've looked into this, and I can assure you that at least two out of three men we put to death are guilty.
And that is a true statistic.
You could look it up.
So I guess in Texas, the death penalty is as natural as the turning of the earth, huh?
There you go with that crazy fast talk.
No normal person could ever understand.
Turning of the earth.
How the hell would we be able to walk on the earth if it was turning?
Jesus, Jimmy.
I will tell you this.
We put so many prisoners to death in Texas that my legacy is assured.
And what is that legacy?
America's number one pro-life governor.
Well, Rick Perry, ironically, thanks for joining us.
Go get fucked, Jimmy Dorn.
Okay, I'm joining in studio on the phone from New York City and Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's Frank Conniff in the studio, former writer for the Daily Show.
It's Steve Rosenfield, hilarious comedian Robert Yasimura, the host of the hilarious web series Absurdity Today.
It's Juliana Farlano.
And we have also the host of County and Everything Else, our resident Latina Steph Samurano.
And right now, we're going to pick up our conversation.
We're discussing the jackasses from the government and the media who were on Meet the Press last Sunday talking about Edward Snowden and his whereabouts.
And guess what?
Every single one of them misses the point.
So here is Mike Rogers, the chairman of the House Intelligence Committee.
And apparently he's not up on irony because here's what he has to say about Eric Snowden.
What's his name?
Edward Snowden.
Edward Snowden.
I keep calling him Snowden.
Bulletty Snowden.
It appears to be as of today that he is flying.
We'll catch another flight from Moscow, many believe to Cuba.
We know that there is air traffic from Moscow to Cuba, then on to Venezuela.
And when you look at it, every one of those nations is hostile to the United States.
I mean, if he could go to North Korea and Iran, he could round out his government oppression tour.
Yeah.
And if Snowden were really a patriotic American, he'd like our oppression better than anybody else's.
Oh, yeah.
Number one.
He's flying to all these oppressive regimes instead of just coming home and letting his criminal government lock him up for the rest of his life.
The government oppression tour.
Oh, my God.
I hope Snowden doesn't try too much new stuff.
I just want the hits.
I want the merch from that tour.
Well, Joe Biden is already, his biggest punishment is probably just that since he's on these airplanes, he has to watch Jack Reacher over it.
Somebody has to see that movie.
That's where I saw it on a play.
Well, what I want to know again is like, why doesn't he take a boat?
Everyone's just looking for air travel.
You know, I know there's not a lot of boats on a boss.
It's a little accidental.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He can stop a boat.
He might have to, he might need to get back into America.
He might have to pretend he's Maurice Chevalier from Monkey Business, 1931, the Marx Brothers.
Nice.
You know, I was humiliated by that name when I was playing Scategories.
So it's always a real sore subject when it comes up with you.
You hate that French bastard.
Yeah, I sure do.
So, you know, let me just make the point that we used to be the country where we took other people's political prisoners and we'd welcome them to our shores.
When other people expose criminal malfeasance inside of oppressive regimes, we said, come here.
We'll give you political solid.
It's the opposite now.
We're asking the Chinese and the Russia, hey, come on.
You guys have been putting away political dissonance by the hundreds for years.
We just want to put away this one.
Why don't you let us do it?
What a little guy.
You got like thousands of people in labor camps.
What do you care?
I think they're standing there saying, like, oh, yeah.
You know, it's sort of like I said earlier, I think it's reflective of our foreign policy that they're like, yeah, I don't think we're going to give you your guy back.
You know, all that other stuff that we wanted.
Why should we help you, right?
Yeah, it turns out the NSA was also collecting data on Chinese people.
Am I right about that, Frank?
Yeah, that's what I've heard.
Yeah, so I heard that the people.
They got a lot of people.
Yeah, they were kind of upset with the whole deal.
And also, one of the things I've heard is the reason they want Snowden to stay in their country is because they have a lot of strippers that want boyfriends.
Old dancing girlfriend.
Oh, okay.
I got you.
So here is Dick Durbin, by the way.
Now, I don't know if you know, Dick Durbin is a senator from Illinois.
And here he is making the point that we already give away lots of our personal information every day on Twitter and Facebook.
And that, so it's not that big of a deal.
Here's what he says about giving our information away.
They're sacrificing, giving up voluntarily our privacy, the public sector and private sector gathering information, which could limit our privacy.
And it's time for a national conversation.
Where should we draw these lines?
Okay, Dick Durbin, I'm going to draw the line starting at the Constitution and Eddie ending also at the Constitution.
The Fourth Amendment, maybe you've heard of it.
How about we start and stop there?
We don't start at the Constitution and then draw the line to some unconstitutional stuff and then meet in the middle, okay?
We already know.
This isn't a conversation.
By the way, they go, we have to have the conversation.
This isn't a conversation.
The founding fathers had that conversation, right?
When they decided to start a war over it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
It's too late to have the conversation.
Well, I'm not comfortable with the NSA sharing my cat videos that I put on.
I'm sorry, but I don't list my social security number on my Twitter.
I'm like, hey, people, hashtag.
Yeah, no kidding.
You know, right?
And I certainly...
And I don't put the porn or websites I'm going to either.
You know, this is all private stuff.
That's actually the one that I'm really worried about.
That's the one I'm worried about.
They know all the porn sites that I go to.
They're going to ruin your political careers.
Yeah, that's all over.
They will.
Yeah, they're going to know all the creams I have to get over the internet.
All that stuff.
They're going to know.
Yeah.
Anyway.
Just one public shaming is all you need to bring down a career.
So here comes Robert Gibbs, former White House spokesperson, a press secretary, and now he is representing the interests of the administration on Meet the Press.
And here he is trying to sound all reasonable about the NSA spying and the Edward Snowden affair.
Here's what he says about it.
I will say, you listen to a lot of the coverage, and you would think we had literally millions and millions of FBI agents listening to every single call that every single American is making.
That's simply not true.
Yes, yes.
The FBI isn't listening to all your cell phone calls.
I mean, don't flatter yourselves.
Ain't that interesting.
Here he goes.
And I think having that discussion actively with the American people is an important thing to do.
Yes, he says we should have this discussion with the American people and make sure we get it all on tape, right?
Right?
That's why you keep things secret, Frank, because when you tell an entire country you're collecting their personal information, it just pisses them off.
They hate that.
You got to keep that stuff secret.
I like how he goes, you know, it's important to have this conversation.
Well, isn't it weird that you didn't feel that way before you were keeping all this stuff secret and it got exposed?
It's only after they exposed all your criminality that now that it's not a secret, you want to have the conversation.
I've been meaning to tell you about this so we can have a conversation.
Listen, we've been talking about this in secret for months.
Go ahead, Frank.
Well, you know, what I didn't like is that they really tried to make it seem much less grave by revealing that when the NSA listens on our calls beforehand, they always go, one ringy ding.
Well, here's John Kerry.
So they were asking John Kerry because he's the Secretary of State now.
He deals with all our foreign powers.
And they're asking him about how they're going to deal with Russia and China harboring Snowden.
And here's what he had to say about it.
With respect to the China-Russia relationship and where this puts us, you know, it would be deeply troubling, obviously, if they have adequate notice.
And notwithstanding that, they make a decision willfully to ignore that and not live by the standards of the law.
Yes, it would be deeply troubling if China and Russia willfully ignored the law just because we got caught also willfully ignoring our own law.
It would be troubling.
Very, very deeply troubling.
I mean, it's deeply troubling when China and Russia break the law, but when we break the law, it's kind of cool.
I can't explain it.
It says it's us.
On the phone, we have the Governor of Chris, Governor Chris Christie.
Oh, wow.
I appreciate you taking time out.
Now, Governor, you've heard you're the governor of New Jersey.
Tony Soprano died recently of a heart attack.
What do you have anything to say about that?
Well, no, the great actor, James Gabolfiti, died.
Tony Soprano was a character.
He was way more.
He was a great actor.
He was way more than Tony Soprano.
Oh, okay.
I see.
Doesn't this kind of give you pause since a famous New Jersey who's overweight dies young and untimely death at 51?
Yeah, that's why I wanted the flags floating half-based.
To remind me to eat less.
Oh, okay.
Oh, okay.
Well, how is that coming?
How's that coming?
Oh, the whole thing backfired.
I'm trying to comfort myself with food at the moment.
I'm so distraught over the whole thing.
What have you been eating?
What have you been eating?
I had a dire buffet today.
Oh, you ate at an Italian buffet today?
No, I ate an entire buffet.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Well, what did you have yesterday?
I had a shake for breakfast.
A shake for lunch.
and everything in the fucking world for death.
laughter laughter laughter Yeah.
you Okay, there's a lot more to that phone call from Chris Christie that you can get in the premium content.
So Paula Dean got in some trouble, right?
So apparently she was giving a deposition where she admitted to saying racist stuff.
In fact, they asked her if you ever use racial slurs.
She said, of course, which is how she responded to that question.
Of course.
Like, just goes.
What are you suggesting?
I know.
It goes without saying.
Point being.
So she got caught.
So here she comes out.
Here's her first.
She decides to do an apology.
And here's her first apology that they took down, by the way.
They took this down right away after it went up because people said it seemed insincere.
Well, let's just play it and see what it sounds like.
I want to apologize to everybody for the wrong that I've done.
I want to learn and grow from this.
So it sounds like she's not really sure what she's apologizing for the wrong that I've done.
Let me think.
How am I supposed to?
What did the blacks and Jews make me say?
Hang on.
Hang on.
Yeah, so this is her first apology.
When she says I want to grow, she means eating more deep-fried macaroni.
That's exactly what she is.
And here's more of that first apology that she took down.
Here we go.
Inappropriate, hurtful language is totally, totally unacceptable.
I've made plenty of mistakes along the way, but I beg you, my children, my team, my fans, my partners, I beg for your forgiveness.
Please forgive me for the mistakes that I've made.
Okay.
I beg my book publisher.
So that my driver.
Jimmy, was that?
Was that her apology or was that her drunk dialing you?
She does sound drunk, right?
She does.
She sounds sweet.
I just want to say, I beg you to anybody who gives me money or is involved in me getting money.
I beg you, please keep giving me money.
That's what she's saying.
So here.
Next time she should just have that dog with the droopy face give the apology.
We'll just be a little bit more.
So then she went on.
So she had to cancel her Matt Lauer appearance.
And then she came back on this.
This is yesterday, this week.
So she came back on this week to go on Matt Lauer.
And I'm not going to play all of it.
It was really distressing that she fake cried through half of it.
And so I'll just, here's the weird thing.
I'll just play a couple of clips from that interview.
Well, here it is.
Businesswoman, you're the head of a brand.
You understand the bottom line.
You understand image.
Given the same circumstances, would you have fired you?
First of all, that's quite a pause.
Matt Lauer's like, she's like, what are you?
Some kind of Jew man?
Why are you asking me this question?
What kind of a double crossing Jew question is that?
Yeah, yeah.
Right?
So did you hear how long that pause is before he, let's hear it again?
That's a long pause.
Head of a brand.
You understand the bottom line.
You understand image.
Yes.
Given the same circumstances, would you have fired you?
Are you asking me?
I mean, that's a long pause.
Well, here's her answer.
Would I have fired me?
Yes, that's the question.
Would I have fired me?
It's like a little kid who's getting asked.
Did you break the toy?
Did I break it?
Knowing me.
Knowing me?
No, she wouldn't.
Because knowing me, I have a high tolerance for racist.
I love it.
So I wouldn't have fired her.
I wouldn't.
I'm very lucky in this aspect, Matt.
Yes.
I'm so fortunate that so many of my partners are also racist like me.
So they know who I am have decided to stand by me.
QVC has not dropped me.
They say they're weighing their options.
Well, yeah.
Yeah, but she's been dropped by just about everybody else.
QVC.
Wow.
She got dropped by.
Do you know she has a thing called butter?
What do they call?
Butter finishings that she sells at Walgreens.
Butter finishing butter.
Yeah, finishing butter.
Finishing butter.
I don't even, so I guess it's flavored butter you just put on top of stuff.
Oh, yeah, it's good.
It's called finishing butter because what you see next is rest in peace.
Finish him.
So here's just one more question that Matt Lauer asked her.
He asked her if she finds the N-word offensive.
Any doubt in your mind that African Americans are offended by the N-word?
So you have any doubt in your mind that African Americans are offended by the N-word?
And here's her almost unbelievable response.
I don't know, Matt.
I have asked myself that so many times.
She's not sure.
She doesn't know.
She doesn't know if black people are trying to.
I keep using that word, Matt, until I get a clear answer.
And she's asked herself that question many times.
Hey, I know, Paula.
Why don't you ask a black person just one time if they find that word offensive from a white person and you'll find out.
But no, the thing is, though, is I kind of, I'm not going to defend Paula Dean, but I kind of do feel in a way that she's unfairly, she's being vilified unfairly because look at it.
She's there on the Today Show being interviewed by Matt Lauer on a network that has a weekly show hosted by a racist, Donald Trump.
It's not that she's she's in trouble, not because she's a racist, but because she's not good at being a race.
She's clever about it.
And if you use the N-word in this day and age, you're going to get in big trouble.
But people like Donald Trump and Newt Gingrich and all kinds of bigots who are on TV every day, every week, they don't use that word, but, you know, Newt Gingrich will say that Obama is the food stamp president and he has a colonial African view of the world and he doesn't understand what work is.
And Donald Trump, of course, said all that stuff that was about Obama.
And he still has a primetime TV show on NBC.
And meanwhile, Paula Dean, who said the N-word a couple of times, is being vilified.
And I think it's all backwards.
Hey, you know what, Frank, maybe she shouldn't have titled her book, I Don't Care for Uppity Food.
Okay, so guess what?
I have on the phone with us, we have Paula Dean.
Hi.
Hi, Paula.
Are you there?
Hi, Paula.
Hi, Jimmy.
How are you doing, Sweetie?
Hey, you know what?
I heard that we saw some of your apologies.
We listened to some.
And what was going on with your apologies, exactly?
I saw clips of it.
I just can't watch it.
What do you mean you saw, Clay?
There are your apologies.
Could you tell us about your apologies, how you feel about your apologies?
Well, yes, I did, Jimmy.
I saw the apologies.
There's been some very hurtful lies told about me that I felt I had to address.
Like lies like what?
What kind of lies?
Well, like that I'm a racist.
Well, but you did use racist language, including the N-word, right?
Well, of course, sweetie.
Who hasn't?
Well, lots of, I'm going to guess lots of people haven't, Paula.
Beginny, you have to understand that when I said him, I used a very sweet, all shucks kind of southern accent, you know.
So it's kind of like a compliment.
I doubt when you use racial epithets, it's kind of like a joke.
So we can see you.
There he is.
See, Paul, this is what I'm talking about.
People hear you talk like that, and you know what they do.
They start to think bad things about you.
But they ain't true.
They are true.
I ain't a racist.
I'm just a southern girl.
If I was racist, why would I have a friend who was black because the ace of spades?
Paula, Paul, you're doing it again.
He's what I like to call catastrophically black.
No.
Paula, stop.
Just stop it.
So I'm watching the George Zimmerman case, and let's remember, folks, you don't want to judge a man until you walk a mile in his shoes and shoot an unarmed black kid.
Right?
Let's remember that.
So here's how the prosecutor.
So, well, you know what?
Let's do it this way.
Here's how the defense counsel in the middle of a murder trial, at the beginning of a murder trial with a dead kid, teenager's parents sitting in the front row and six women on the jury.
Here's how he decides to open.
Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying.
And this is not one of those times.
This wouldn't be one of those times we have to be silent to keep from laughing.
Yes.
So let me at considerable risk, let me say.
Considerable risk.
I'm not a professional comedian.
Here goes nothing, and I mean nothing.
I know how that may sound a bit weird in this context under these circumstances.
But I think you're the perfect audience for it.
No, they are not.
No.
Not even close.
No.
As long as you don't, if you don't like it or you don't think it's funny or inappropriate that you don't hold it against Mr. Zimmerman, you can hold it against me if you want, but no, Mr. Zimmerman.
I have your assurance.
You won't.
Here's how it goes.
Oh, my goodness.
That's the longest setup in history.
I'll tell you, that was 39 seconds for a knock-known joke.
39 seconds.
No knock-known joke is any good.
Of apologies.
39 seconds.
Of apologies for what's coming.
Before he said, you know, if you have to apologize for a joke for over a half a minute before you tell it, maybe you don't tell that joke.
Maybe you don't.
Maybe you don't.
I don't know.
Don't they have that class in when to tell a joke in lawyering school?
Doesn't law school have a when to tell a joke when not?
How about if you're hey never in the opening statement of a really terrible joke at the beginning of a murder trial teenager?
So here it is.
Well, by the way, he's workshopping the joke too.
It's not like he sent this one out and tried it on the street.
He has tried it at a couple other trials.
Now this is the first trial.
You should have tried it out in some smaller rooms first.
You should try it at like a traffic court trial.
Yeah, you start at maybe a night court, maybe weekend in.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You do maybe a grand jury.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay, here we go.
Here's the joke.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
George Zimmerman.
George Zimmerman, who?
All right, good.
You're on the jury.
That's the joke.
That is very meta.
Nope, not a crack smile in the room.
Not even a crack smile.
They're not showing the jury, but they are showing the rest of the courtroom.
Not nothing.
Peep nothing.
And then here's how he responds.
Nothing?
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Screw you.
That's funny.
Hey, welcome to Uncle Chucker's fucko hunt.
Tip your waitresses.
Yeah, folks, I'm here all week.
Try the meal.
I expected more on that one.
Is this thing on?
Come on.
What's wrong with you people?
You all come on the same bus?
Y'all come on a trip.
What is this a murder trial or something?
It's death out there.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm dying.
I'm dying worse than Martin.
That's funny.
After what you folks have been through the last two or three weeks.
He tries to pretend like it's their fault.
After what you guys have been through these last two or three weeks, you should really enjoy a horribly inappropriate joke to start this trial.
See, all he, the point he was trying to make was, oh, you guys have, these are the qualifications for Voider.
It took a long, long time.
All he had to do is come out and say, Void, it took a long time.
I sympathize with you.
It was not a fun experience.
Let's move on.
That's all he had to do.
But instead, he did this bizarre.
Bizarre.
So now the prosecutor has to top it.
Ice sculpture.
I'm going to go with ice sculpture.
So here's how the prosecutor opens up his remarks.
Ready?
Good morning.
Good start.
That's a good start.
A good morning.
Nice.
It is.
Good morning.
Fucking pumps.
These assholes, they always get away.
Oh, easy.
Yo, yo.
How about it, ladies and gentlemen of the jury and what I'm going to show you today.
F-bomb.
Wow, you start off with the F-bomb.
My dad would have kicked my ass.
A language.
He goes on.
Those were the words in that grown man's mouth as he followed in the dark a 17-year-old boy who he didn't know.
Excuse my language, but those were his words, not mine.
Yeah, that doesn't make it okay, by the way.
You can't get away with that ever.
Fucking punks.
Ah, stop it.
These assholes, they always get away.
Okay, so I'm watching this on MSNBC.
First of all, can I just backtrack to the guy's knock-knock joke for a second?
The thing that gets me about that knock-knock joke is that it's the start of a teenager's murder trial.
The parents are sitting in the front row, kind of weeping already.
Right.
And this guy decides to try to get a laugh.
You know, Chris Rock couldn't get a laugh in that situation.
How about we try the unfunniest guy in the state?
You don't really need to lighten the tension.
There's tension.
Live with the tension.
Don't try to lighten the tension.
Chris Rock would go down in flames in that situation.
So now here's how I was watching on MSNBC, and I'm like, oh my God, they're swearing on television.
And here's how Chuck Todd breaks in, ready?
Fucking punks.
These assholes.
They always get away.
Well, we have decided that we have to institute a seven-second delay.
Really, Chuck Todd sincerely regrets if this obscene language spoiled anybody's enjoyment of a racially charged murder trial.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
You know what's a riveting opening statement, Robert, when even the censors forget to hit the fuck shit asshole.
Oh.
It's right there in front of him.
That is.
These must be the two worst litigators in the state of Florida.
I actually think that was kind of good that he opened it.
I actually thought it worked.
I didn't know.
But the problem is that if you, I mean, if you start that hot, there's no topic.
First of all, you can't be talking.
Second of all, there's no way the jury heard the next five sentences out of that.
I think you're right.
You know, but they say, just like a stand-up routine, that in a lawyering, people remember how a trial opens and how a trial closes.
And all the stuff in the middle gets kind of, and that is true about comedy.
I know that.
I know that for a fact.
No, that's true.
That people remember how if you open strong and you close strong, that's what people remember.
That's why comedians try to close big.
Right.
Because people don't remember anything if you don't close big.
Yeah.
So, yeah, that was chat.
I'm like, don't you guys always have the second second, seven-second delay on just as a matter of course?
Especially in Florida.
Well, so was this, was this, was that taped or was that?
No, that was live.
Oh, that was live.
That was live.
Yeah, they were covering.
They were covering that live.
In fact, I think.
It's a trial.
Are there a lot of kids at home watching a trial?
Yeah, now we apologize to all the parents who have to explain to their kids what a fucking asshole it is.
We're fine with them watching a trial racially charged trial of a murderer.
Oh, wait a minute.
I got a phone call.
I think I have Don West on the line, the knock knock joke attorney.
Hello, Don.
Are you there?
Is this Knock Knock?
Hello, Don.
Hang on.
Knock Knock.
Hey, Don, I don't want to play that game.
Knock back.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
Who's there?
Doris.
Okay, Doris, Doris, who?
Doris locked.
That's why I'm saying knock knock.
Not that funny.
No, nothing.
Come on.
No.
No.
Sorry, can't help you.
Now, listen, I wanted to ask you about it.
Okay, who's there?
I'll say it.
Who's there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne, who?
Dwayne the bathtub.
I'm Duane.
Okay.
You deserve that joke, Jimmy.
You've been under a lot of pressure.
Yeah.
I appreciate it.
All right.
Well, you take care.
I'm going to call the, I'm going to get the prosecutors on the line now.
Is this the prosecuting attorney in the Zimmerman?
How are you?
Knock knock.
Oh, no.
This is still Don West.
Don, I don't want to play this game.
Okay, who's there, Don?
Who's there?
Dead Black Kid.
Oh, come on.
I don't want to play this.
Dead black kid.
I don't.
Okay, Dead Black Kid Who, okay?
Okay, you're on the jury.
That's not funny.
No, nothing.
Nothing.
Okay, we got rid of Don West.
Oh, God, thank you.
We got rid of that.
Now we got the prosecutors on the phone.
Hello, prosecutor.
We got the prosecutor.
Hang on, I got to get this.
I think it's John Guy.
John Guy?
I think it's Guy, yeah.
We got John Guy on the phone.
Now, John, what are you, how are you?
What do you think of the defense attorney?
What do you think of the defense attorney, the team of them?
What do you think of them?
Come on, cut it out, John.
I mean, but you guys went and had lunch together, right?
I heard you guys had lunch together.
What did you think?
What did you think of the defense attorney?
I know.
Come on.
That's not my words.
What?
That's what the guy behind me in line was saying.
That doesn't make it okay.
That doesn't make it better.
Smelly jagoffs.
I know.
Look, look.
I can't have this on you.
Okay, I gotta go.
Okay.
Okay, thank you.
Still not my words.
Okay.
Okay.
Listen, we gotta.
I don't know what you're doing.
Listen, they're not that.
Dick Queen.
Okay, I got it.
Listen, thanks for having me.
Thanks for talking.
Not my words.
No.
No.
One of the best comedy pits on this show.
That was fun.
Okay, hope you enjoyed today's show, this week's show, this look back.
Hope you enjoyed the Zimmerman lawyers as much as I enjoy the Zimmerman lawyers.
And we're going to see you next week with a fresh episode.
And I said, Witta, with a fresh episode to let you know I'm from the streets.
And okay, so happy new year.
See you over there.
And thanks to everybody who's used our Amazon box, who has been a premium member, and anybody who helps support the show in every other way.
Thank you very much.
We're going to see you January 17th.
We're doing another, we're doing a big left, right, and ridiculous show at the fake gallery.
I'm going to have links for it at the website soon.
So, Mark, it's a Friday night.
It's January 17th, 17th.
It's not next Friday.
It's the next Friday.
Okay, so we'll see you there.
January 17th, Left, Right, Ridiculous.
We're going to have Ben Mankiewicz come out and a couple other surprises.
It's going to be a fun show.
Okay, thanks for listening.
Happy New Year.
We'll see you next week.
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