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Dec. 14, 2013 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program, the Jimmy Dore Show.
This week, President Obama was criticized for taking a picture of himself with British Prime Minister David Cameron and Danish Prime Minister Hella Thorning Schmidt at Nelson Mandela's Memorial Service.
Conservatives complain that Obama was showing disrespect for Mandela's memory, but since they also think Mandela was a communist terrorist, they should praise Obama for dissing him.
It was even suggested that the president was flirting with the Danish prime minister, which outraged conservatives because she's a white woman.
Obama seems to like taking selfies.
Not a great reason to hate his guts, but for some people, good enough.
Speaking of communist terrorists, the president was also harshly criticized for shaking Raul Castro's hand, even though snubbing Cuban dictators doesn't seem to be working.
The handshake was apparently part of Obama's master plan to be polite to leaders of countries he's walking past on the way to his seat.
John McCain compared the handshake to Chamberlain caving into Hitler, but McCain compares everything Obama does with Chamberlain caving into Hitler.
Personally, I don't understand why Obama shakes hands with George W. Bush, but that's just me.
I don't understand why Obama shakes hands with George W. Bush.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
the show for the kind of people that are It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to TV.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's episode.
I'm joining the studio to my right, the host of Comedy and Everything Else and our resident Latina.
It's Steph Zamarano.
Hi, Steph.
Felisnavi Dad, Jaime.
Oh, thank you very much, and happy holidays to you.
Across the glass from me, former writer for the Daily Show, the author of Morning Remembrance, Hilarious Obituaries of Real Dead People, which we will hear one later on in the show.
It's Ham Radio's Jim Earl.
Hi, Julie.
Today I pulled a nematode from my cheek with a pair of needle-nose spliers.
Okay, I think I saw that story about you on Mediite.
Next to him, hilarious comedian from Team Yasamur.
It's Robert Yasamura.
Hey, Robert.
How are you?
Nice to see you again.
And across from him, it's former writer for the Daily Show, Hilarious Kimedum.
You heard him at the top of the show.
It's Steve Rosenfield.
Hey, Steve, how are you?
Good, Jimmy.
Is this where I plug our podcast?
Yes.
Now, Steve, you and Jim Earl are going off on your own to do a podcast, I understand.
What's it called?
Well, we're keeping the band together.
We're just doing a solo project.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
What's it called?
It's called 30 Minutes of Crap.
Oh, I like it.
I like it.
And where can people find it?
It's on RadioactiveBroadcasting.net, I think.
Okay, well, that sounds hard to find.
We're going to put a link.
I didn't come up with that URL.
Okay.
We'll put a link to that.
If you go to JimmyDoorComedy.com, you click on Steve or Jim Earl's name.
It'll take you right to that podcast.
Just Google it.
Or you could just Google it.
Just Google it.
Really?
I'll Google it right now.
I bet you it doesn't come up.
Just Google crap, and there's a picture of us.
What is it called?
30 Minutes of Crap.
You just lost it already?
What is it called?
30 Minutes of Crap.
I'm Googling it, and we're going to see what comes up.
This is good radio.
Ooh, I accidentally put in 20 minutes of crap.
A lot of stuff comes up.
That show stinks.
This is truth.
That's true.
Here it is.
Oh, yeah.
You just Google 30 Minutes of Crap.
Hey, welcome to 30 Minutes of Crap.
We're award-winning writers, Jim Earle and what's your Dave Rosenfeld, but I didn't win an award.
You remember what happened?
Listen, Ronnie, already.
We teased a little bit of that for you.
Leave you hungry.
Thanks a lot for listening to it, you know, like a week ago when it first appeared.
That's a friend for you.
Hey, I want to, now that we've christened, I just want to say, hey, will you be part of our podcast?
Will you be a guest on it, Jimmy?
I would love to be a guest on it.
Sorry, we don't want you.
We wanted you to ask, though.
Okay.
So on all carts on the phone, all the way from New York City and cinematictitanic.com, which will be in Philadelphia on December 30th this year.
It's TV's Frank, Frank Conniff.
Hey, Frank, how are you, buddy?
Hello there.
Yay.
Okay, we're looking forward to seeing you in the middle.
I can't wait for 30 minutes of crap.
I haven't been this excited since Crosby and Nash album.
Was that not a good album?
Well, it was just Crosby and Nash, the two other guys, you know, I guess is what he means.
Oh, I hear you.
Okay, so let's get to the jokes before we get to the jokes.
Hey, George Zimmerman, back in the news.
No.
Yeah, you hear he went crazy and his girlfriend pointed a gun at her and I'll start breaking stuff in her house.
Well, guess what?
She's dropping the chart.
She's dropping charges.
She's not going to press charges.
And Zimmerman has been released and gets to spend Christmas with the ones he really loves, his guns.
Hey, by the way, the Pope, the Pope named Person of the Year by Time magazine.
Pretty fitting for the Pope to be named Person of the Year by Time Magazine, a magazine with all the modern relevance of the Old Testament.
John Cornis, senator from Arizona, is being primaried by a tea partier named Steve Stockman.
He's running against John Cornyn because he says John Cornyn is not conservative enough.
Wow.
He also opposes rain for not being wet.
Hey, Nelson Mandela, big story.
Nelson Mandela, 95, finally passed on.
And he's gone.
And so now we need a new generation of human rights leaders for conservative Republicans to demonize.
Hey, did you know that we had Pearl Harbor Day was last week?
Or as they call it in my family, the day things got tricky.
Robert Yasimur with a very poignant joke.
Do you know that, well, after Pearl Harbor, the United States declared war on a nation that actually attacked us, and the GOP neocons pray we never make that mistake again.
Hey, by the way, Walmart is sponsoring NBC's Sound of Music.
It's a musical about kids that would starve to death if their dad worked at Walmart.
Okay, and what's coming up on today's show?
There's a budget deal just in time for Christmas.
Paul Ryan takes a break from dismantling Medicare and gives us a budget.
Okay, and the Pope.
The Pope has been named person of the year.
The Pope who's been trying to destroy capitalism by saying rich people should spend a slightly higher percentage of their trillions to help the poor has become the person of the year.
Plus John Boehner.
John Boehner stands up to the Tea Party crazies, and I hope he's not just drunk.
And plus we got phone calls from we got phone calls From Rick Perry, Ted Cruz, the Pope, and John Boehner, plus a lot lot more.
us today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
Call me.
Thank you.
Jimmy Rick Perry here.
Couple of things on my mind, Jimbo.
First.
Did you hear that General Motors made a chick president?
What the penis, man?
Pretty soon we're all going to be driving fuchsia PT cruisers with truck labia on the bumpers.
Come on, man.
The American car.
I want my pickup to come up with a tampon dispenser and a floral print upholstery.
Looks like I'll be buying a jackcar next time.
At least they know how to keep their ladies in their place.
Giggling on the internet.
Okay, Amigo, Adam Dose.
I'm currently denying benefits to same-sex families in the Texas National Guard because, you know what?
If I can't get my secret husband Ernesto on my dental, I'm sure as heck not going to give it to Colonel Lesbos and her division of deviance.
All right.
Man, I was in the military.
And pretending you weren't gay was part of the discipline.
That's what made you tough.
Hiding your boner after hand-to-hand practice.
Back, brother.
You know what I'm saying?
I mean, what if you get captured and can't hide the gay?
The enemy might make you do interior decorating or sing show tunes or something.
Okay, Jimbo, thanks for the air.
But now I got a jet.
I'm having those thoughts again, and I have to go do my exercises.
Starter fly kisses.
All right, Ezra.
Rick Berry.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Thank you.
There's a budget deal.
Can you believe it?
There's a budget.
There's a budget deal.
There's a deal of any kind?
I didn't agree to this deal.
Paul Ryan came out and said this.
Wanted to make sure that we were taking a step in the right direction for fiscal discipline.
Hang on, let me back that up.
Wanted to make sure that we were taking a step in the right direction for fiscal discipline.
But you could tell he's nervous, right?
Because he's talking like he's doing an auction.
Right?
Wanted to make sure that we were taking a step in the right direction for fiscal discipline.
Look, our budget that we passed here in the House, the Republican budget, represents our ultimate goal and our ultimate vision.
Balance the budget, pay off the debt.
But we understand in this divided government, we're not going to get everything we want.
And so what we want to do is take a step toward that goal, a step in the direction toward that vision.
Yeah, so we didn't get everything we want.
So what we'll have to do is steal the next election.
That's what that's a part of the steps.
Yeah, he's got a little bit more to say.
Hang on.
And by having a budget agreement that does not raise taxes, that does reduce the deficit and produces some certainty and prevents government shutdowns, we think is a good agreement.
It's also an agreement that gives Congress the power of the purse back.
For three years, we keep passing these continuing resolutions, which basically is Congress ceding its authority to the executive branch so they set the priorities.
That is not right.
That's not constitutional.
So we reclaim the power of the purse.
We make a statement on behalf of deficit reduction.
We finally focus on a portion of the budget which has been on autopilot for years that is in need of attention.
And we make divided government work.
We feel very good at where we are with our members.
We know that this budget agreement doesn't come close to achieving what we want to achieve on our ultimate fiscal goals.
But again, if we can get a step in the right direction, we're going to take that step, and that's why we're doing this.
Okay, but so what he's saying is, you know, he's really, so what he's trying to do is distance himself from the Tea Party now, right?
Because they realize that they have to do this.
And I think that what he's doing and Mitch McConnell's doing and John Boehner's doing is they're positioning themselves as the reasonable Republicans.
Hey, look, we're not as crazy as those Tea Party guys.
And the Democrats are letting them get away with it, by the way.
And Harry Reid said it was like a breath of fresh air.
Really?
How about saying, hey, how about the Democrats are going to, unfortunately, are going to go along with it.
Because after the government shutdown, Democrats have always been saying we just want to make a deal.
We're willing to make a deal.
Republicans aren't willing to make a deal.
But now the Democrats are the ones who say, we don't want to make this deal, then we're going to consider it that really sells politically.
And it's not much of a budget deal anyway, Frank.
So what it does is it's status close.
It'll prevent the government from shutting down, too, if they're going to go along with it.
So if everyone goes along with it, the government wants shut down.
So they've taken $63 billion.
Pretty much they've made federal employees, which includes servicemen, pay more money for their retirement.
That's a tax raise as far as I'm concerned.
It does raise.
I could not.
And what's another way they get revenue in this thing?
Does anyone know?
No?
They don't.
No, they don't.
They could have closed the tax loopholes.
It would have been very serious.
Yeah, they got everything they wanted on this.
I think so, pretty much.
The Democrats.
The Democrats got back a few things.
But they got things that they lost in the first place.
In the sequester, they like it.
They got some sequester things.
So here's Tom Coburn.
Unemployment insurance is out the window.
Unbelievable.
Yes.
Okay, here we go.
Here's Tom Colburn, though.
Here's what you're doing.
Real disappointed in the deal.
He's really disappointed.
Tom Colburn, really disappointed in a deal that got them everything that they wanted.
Sure, it's the best Paul could get, but it's not anything I can support.
There is so much waste, so much duplication, so much incompetency in the federal government, and nobody wants to do the hard work of fixing it.
And Harry Reid certainly doesn't want to put it on the floor so it can be voted.
Yeah, that's Tom Cole.
That's Tom Cooper.
Who probably has no idea what's in the bill, doesn't understand a damn thing.
And by the way, has never offered a real serious solution for fixing government inefficiencies.
No, we got, no, his solution is cut Social Security and Medicare.
Right.
That is his solution.
That's what he means by the hard work, the hard work, doing something that 80% of the people in the country don't want you to do.
That's what he calls the hard work.
That's why it's hard.
Yeah, that's why it's hard because it's not nobody wants you to do anything and nobody wants you to do it.
Oh, and by the way, Medicare and Social Security, even with Medicare and Social Security fraud, they're the most efficient systems.
Those chicks go out on time perfectly.
Yeah, I like how he loves to go, there's so much waste in government.
It's the same old thing with Tom Coburn.
It's the same old, yeah, there's so much waste in government, but there's nothing worse than the waste that helps people in a totally different state.
You can't countenance that.
So that is the same old balance the budget, pay off the debt bullshit.
He's said so many times now.
This has no meaning, and it has no worth either.
And by the way, the deficit has been reduced.
Yes.
More than it ever has ever.
Yes, I know.
So it's Robert, you don't have to tell me.
So why aren't the Dems coming out with that information and making it public and putting it in our face?
Because they're Republicans.
Because they're really Republicans at heart.
That's what I think.
So this budget deal is crafted by a Republican and a Democrat, and it was crafted to win support of the Democrats and Republicans alike.
And that's simply a bridge too far for the Tea Partiers, right?
So this.
Tea Party is going to accuse Paul Ryan of being gay because he kept talking about the power of the purse.
Don't you hear what you go to the mall with Congress and they make you hold your purse?
Oh, I hate that.
I hate that.
By the way, this bill wasn't designed to please both parties.
It was designed to not infuriate both parties.
It was a compromise.
It's a compromise bill the way compromise bills used to be written.
Yes.
This is what I can sell.
This is what I can't sell.
They sat down in a room.
They got it together.
Nobody likes it, but it's going to get things done.
Let's not close down the government.
Let's just go ahead.
So there's this guy, Mick Mulvaney from South Carolina, Republican, and he said, this is really what he said.
He said, from South Carolina, I'll bet you he's going to say something sane.
He said, this bill is not designed to get our vote, meaning the conservative Republicans.
He went on to say, this bill is designed to pass with bipartisan support in the House.
Well, son of a gun.
Oh, my God.
Something that's designed to get bipartisan support.
It has to be evil.
Those monsters.
Oh, our airline tickets are going up, too.
So there's a CSI.
Airline tickets are going up.
So yeah, that's for an internal matter.
It has to do with TSA security.
So John Boehner has had it with the...
Apparently...
And he came out and said this.
They're using our members and they're using the American people for their own goals.
This is ridiculous.
Listen, if you're for more deficit reduction, you're for this agreement.
Wow.
There you go.
That's Boehner finally tells the truth about conservative obstructionists, which means he's okay with using Democratic votes to pass this bill.
That's what he's saying.
The only way he's going to pass it, probably.
Yeah.
Boy.
And so here he goes.
He really goes on to let them have it.
There he goes.
Well, frankly, I think they're misleading their followers.
I think they're pushing our members in places where they don't want to be.
And frankly, I just think that they've lost all credibility.
You know, they pushed us into this fight to defund Obamacare and the shutdown of government.
Most of you know, my members know, it wasn't exactly the strategy that I had in mind.
But if you recall, the day before.
Yeah, that wasn't your strategy.
That wasn't my strategy, but I let it happen.
Yeah, you're the leader.
You're the leader in the house, and you let it happen.
Yeah.
You can't blame someone else for the leadership you provided.
But he is doing that.
And let me just say, he's really letting those Tea Partiers have it.
So you know what this means?
He found a lobbying job.
That's what he's saying.
He's out the door, but he's on his way out.
2015.
He's got another question.
I actually, I think that you mentioned Cornyn at the top.
I think that that is the story that goes with this, which is they started to realize like, oh, we're going to get primaried no matter what we do because these people are crazy.
Yes.
So we might as well start going for broke.
Yeah, I think you're right.
And I think that they're looking at everybody's realizing like we're going to get primarily no matter what.
And if we survive our primaries, if we don't show that we did governance, we're screwed.
Those 30, 40 seats that are actually in play will go to the Democrats.
So here's Boehner has more to say about the conservative wing of his party.
The government reopened.
One of the people, one of these groups, stood up and said, well, we never really thought it would work.
Are you kidding me?
So let me play this again.
Because John Boehner, it's funny because I was like McRae.
Jimmy, hearing him say all this, it's kind of like Jay Leno talking about how bad the tonight show's been for the past few years.
Yeah, it is.
It is.
It's like, no, this is your house.
You're not the one to talk.
You're not the one that say that.
Right, right.
So here, so let's listen to what he said again.
So because he reacts the way all of us react to the Tea Partiers, Freedom Works, Heritage Foundation, Ted Cruz.
And it's nice to know that privately he was feeling this way, and now publicly he feels gutsy enough to say it.
Here's what he said.
No, that wasn't exactly the strategy that I had in mind.
But if you'll recall, the day before the government reopened, one of the people, one of these groups, stood up and said, well, we never really thought it would work.
Are you kidding me?
Uh-huh.
Listen, you all know me.
All right.
I say what I mean.
I mean what I say.
Wrong.
Nope.
I'm as conservative as anybody around this place.
And all the things that we've done over the three years that I've been speaker have not violated any conservative principle.
Not once.
That's because you haven't done anything.
Are you asking these groups to effectively stand down?
Somebody said, are you asking these groups, meaning Heritage Foundation, Freedom Works?
Are you asking these groups to stand down?
Is what someone said.
And Job Boehner says.
I don't care what they do.
Hey, he's ticked.
I just want to know.
I just want to know whose balls is he using.
Right?
It's Boehner turned into a commie.
What happened?
Who put sodium pentothal in the Chivas Regal?
That's my question.
This guy's overseen the least productive Congresses of all time.
So he has been pushed to the point where even he is like, okay, enough.
He's only worrying about his conservative bona fides, right?
So this is what him and Paul Ryan, hey, look, it's like, hey, we're legislating, but we're still crazy.
We're still worried.
We're still.
So this is the whole thing.
There's a whole chapter about him in this book, Profiles in Make-Believe Courage.
So Colorado is way out in front of California in the marijuana legalization.
And the Denver Post hired a pot editor.
And Bill O'Reilly having a tough time with it.
It's not going to happen in the Denver Post.
They're going to tell you what the best bud is.
I feel like Spicoli.
It sounds like it's much more than that to me.
I'm going to tell you what the best bud is, where to buy it, how to prune it, how to roll it.
This is promoting the use of an intoxicant by the Denver Post.
Oh, it's almost as bad as when they run cigarette ads in the Wall Street Journal.
Or the New York Post.
Don't they have ads for Cheves-Rigle?
I mean, everything that he's saying.
Okay, we go on.
Why don't you just set it up like, here's the bar in Denver.
Where you can get the cheapest chasers and the most gin for your money.
I think they do list happy hours.
I don't think that...
Oh, guess what?
A lot of newspapers have a food and wine section.
Yes, they have.
Where they do talk about it.
They do tell you.
That's outrageous.
They do.
Yes.
Okay.
This is exactly what it is, Mary Catherine.
Wow.
Talk about manufactured outrage, this guy.
He's really revealing his old man-ness.
Right.
Being this afraid of marijuana.
They're going to tell you what buds to get.
Yes, that's what I want to know.
I want to know where the good buds are and where I should go and how it's going to affect...
It is legal there, right?
Yeah, it's all legal.
Just like...
Well, his whole thing is that you...
So if you smoke pot, there's only one reason to smoke pot, and that's to get high.
But if you drink wine, you like the wine.
It tastes good.
It just happens to also get you inebriated.
Right.
So those people who make that argument are phony hypocrites, and that's a really weak argument.
That is BS.
I've had people say that to me.
They go, well, I'll drink in front of my kid, but I won't smoke pot in front of my kid.
I'm like, you know the drinking is going to harm your kid way more than the pot smoking.
And that's just you internalizing some kind of crazy bullsh** that you were fed as a kid.
And now you're going to pass it along to your kid.
It's a cultural prejudice.
Yeah, what are you going to say?
I find that a Panama red goes very well with fish.
By the way, he, you know, and I think she comes out and says...
Let me finish.
Let me explain it.
So he goes on.
I disagree with you.
I think it's a public policy issue that's going to be covered mostly like a public policy issue.
You can cover the policy without getting a critic who has to ingest the substance.
That part is fair.
Yeah, okay.
So he's got a problem with the guy who writes a column smoking pot.
And he just doesn't...
Why is this guy going to ingest it?
You know, it makes me want to read that column now.
Yeah, they have wine editors.
They take booze advertising of all kinds, but Bill O's letting his old man speak.
Are the wine editors not drinking the wine?
Are they not drinking the wine?
The food editor never eating, just taking pictures of the food?
She makes such an important point.
This is one of two states that is trying marijuana for public use legally.
And it's a huge public policy question.
And it is worth following on a regular basis.
No doubt about it.
And by the way, I never heard him talking about the problems of like, say, an editorial decision like closing your foreign offices or, you know, basically like serious editorial mistakes that newspapers make.
Right.
He's just going off on this one column.
Right.
So he knows how to rile up his viewers.
Right.
But CNN closes all of their overseas desks.
Not a peep.
No, not a peep.
So here he goes on.
Then...
So he turns to Juan Williams.
Okay.
Friend of the...
Then the Denver Post sends a memo to its employees saying, even though we have a marijuana critic and we're going to tell you where to get the best bud, you can't use it on the premises of the Denver Post.
I mean...
So, again, he's the same thing, Bill, that your company owns the Wall Street Journal, the New York Post.
You can't smoke cigarettes in any of those buildings.
Can't smoke...
So this argument...
So guess what?
Juan Williams actually makes that point.
Come on!
Well, why do you have it in here anyway?
Wait a minute.
You can't smoke...
You can't even smoke a cigarette in this building.
Who's promoting tobacco?
What are you talking about?
We don't take a ask for tobacco?
No, we don't.
The newspapers that we...
We don't run the newspapers.
Oh, I'm saying...
Ha, ha!
So he's talking about just us at Fox, not the company that I work for.
So you're upset at the rest of your company?
Are you upset at the rest of Fox Enterprises?
That, you know, it's just...
Come on.
He doesn't have a leg to stand on.
He doesn't have a leg to stand on.
And my favorite thing is he just...
He asks someone on to browbeat them.
Yes.
Right.
So exactly.
So here he goes on a little...
Okay, but that's part of our corporation.
But I'm just saying, you know that all these products are now...
And it's legal.
Let me emphasize that, legal.
Yeah.
And the cops do not have to go out and chase the intoxicant.
So again, so Ron Williams makes the point, and he just completely runs over him.
Hey, hey, fuck.
Our corporation that we work for takes cigarette ads and don't allow people to smoke in the building that we work in.
But that's different to Bill O'Reilly because it completely blows his argument out of the water.
So that's why that's different.
You know, that's different.
Blows his argument out of the groundwater.
Yeah.
So incidentally...
enough bill's next book is called killing willie nelson hey thanks to everybody who's taken advantage and used our amazon.com box especially this holiday season when you're gonna buy something from amazon a great way to help support the show is to swing by jimmydoorcomedy.com click on our amazon box and it takes you to amazon and when you buy something they send us money it's just that easy doesn't change the way you shop at amazon and
guess what it doesn't cost you anything but it sure does helps the show okay thanks everybody who already has done that and continues to use our amazon box and you don't have to go there every time you buy something you just go in there once click on our amazon.com box and when you get to amazon.com you bookmark that page and that's it the next time you go to amazon use your bookmark and they'll send us some dough to help support the show okay let's get back to the second half of the show jimmy
It's me, Ted Cruz.
One of Time Magazine's most important people for 2013.
And as such, my first decree is that Pope Francis can tongue paddle my ball sack.
Yeah, I could have made the cover, too, if I kept going on and on about the so-called poor, a.k.a.
the takers.
But I kept it real, my brother.
I did a fake filibuster, man.
I organized a $12 billion government shutdown that went nowhere.
So can't a Negro get a table dance all up in here?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't play to the cameras with some foot washing the poor stunt.
Because guess what?
They're poor.
You don't touch them.
them both of them have hates, Jimmy.
Shit, man, I talk to God more than that guy.
Heck, I'm talking to him right now because the Heavenly Father is always talking in my head.
Commanding me to do things.
Alerting me to the lizard people.
Growing ever louder and louder.
So sometimes I just put my grandpa's 45 in my mouth.
Just hoping it will all stop.
You know what I'm talking about, right?
Okay, well, good talk, Jimmy.
Obamacare is the Holocaust.
Obamacare is the Holocaust.
So get this.
So the Pope has started to push back on the a-hole image of Jesus that conservatives have been peddling since Reagan.
Mainly that he's a gun-toting, toting, rugged individualist who sticks up for the rich.
That's the Jesus that they've, right?
And get this, I was Noam Chomsky is actually weighed in on this one.
And I was reading an article where he said that he referenced Vatican II and liberation theology.
Do you know what that is?
I don't really know what that is.
So it turns out that for the first three centuries of Christianity, that they were killing a lot of Christians.
Because it turns out that Jesus' message is very radical.
It's very radical, just like it is today.
It's a very radical message.
So when the Pope says it, it ruffles a lot of feathers.
And they were killing all of them for the first time.
And then the Roman Empire co-opted Christianity in the fourth century, and that's when they stopped killing the Christians, right?
And this had a profound effect on the religious leaders in Latin America.
According to Noam Chomsky, the priests in Latin America would set up groups with Latin American peasants to read the gospels and encourage them to demand more rights from the region's military dictatorships, which became known as liberation theology.
He said liberation theology's practitioners were systematically martyred over more than 20 years by the United States-backed forces to prevent Latin American nations from installing socialist governments to benefit their own people rather than American interests.
This is true, by the way.
So whenever there was a government in South America that was on the brink of actually instituting liberation theology and helping the people, the United States stepped right in, right?
Sandinist, right, when Nicaragua, same.
So back when our Secretary of State, it was Pontius Pilate.
According to Chomsky, the U.S. went to war and fought a bitter, brutal, violent war against the church.
If we had a free press, that's the way they would present it, according to Chomsky.
He said that the United States supported the overthrow of governments and institutions of neo-Nazi-style dictatorships as part of the war that finally ended in 1989 with the murder of six Jesuits and two women at the University of Central America by Salvadorian troops.
So Chomsky said those troops had received training by the United States.
School of the Americas.
Yes, you are correct.
School of the Americas, which trained Latin American officers, killers, basically.
So now Pope Francis is an Argentine Jesuit, and he's made symbolic gestures to welcome liberation theology back to the church after years of condemnations for its political aspirations by Pope John Paul II and by Pope Benedict.
So Pope John Paul II and Pope Benedict down on liberation theology.
Not very Jesus-like, those guys.
He's saying all these things now, the Pope, right?
And well, what do you do when Jesus no longer supports your BS and you are revealed for being a phony Christian by the world's number one Christian, right?
What do you do?
Well, you got to shit on Jesus as hard as you can.
Revealing that Chris.
So, and by doing that, the conservatives revealed that Christianity is not really their life philosophy, as they have claimed, but really nothing more than a convenient tool to hide their horribly destructive and regressive policies, right?
So here's a mashup that the last word Lawrence O'Donnell show put together of the right-wingers freaking out about the Pope sounding like a Christian.
Folks, if I gave a speech on anti-capitalism, do you think I could be named person of the year by Time magazine?
Makes me nervous about the Pope, quite honestly.
When the press runs to make him Time magazine man of the year.
Do you think Obama?
Yeah, they'll not.
He is right, Rush Limbaugh.
He'll never be man of the year.
Although he is a strong contender for douchebag of the century.
Okay, there's a little bit more.
He might be two men of the year.
Ow!
He's a big man.
He might be.
Yes.
Tom is upset that he didn't win the man of the year award from time.
I mean, nobody outdoes him in anti-capitalism.
The Pope himself spoke about this at eloquent length.
How can it be, he wrote, that it's not a news item when an elderly homeless person dies of exposure, but it is news when the stock market loses two points.
Mr. President citing the Pope, his new best friend.
Because the Pope is ripping America.
The Pope ripping capitalism.
The Pope ripping Ronaldus Magnus.
The Pope ripping trickle-down economics.
And Obama's having an orgasm.
I'm a little concerned about who this Pope is.
Some statements that to me sound kind of liberal.
That's taken me aback.
Yes.
It's taken her aback.
Almost as liberal as Jesus.
Wow.
It's funny, though.
Who knew the Pope would turn out to be just another limousine liberal?
Am I right?
Interesting.
That damn Pope Robert is trying to steal Jesus from us by quoting things he actually said instead of the bullshit we've been saying he said.
Yeah, that's what they're saying.
What happened?
Because I remember about 30, 40 years ago, fairly religious people who are right-wing people would say things like, you know, things are a little too commercial in terms of Christmas.
Like, we need to pay attention to the ideas behind it.
And somehow that's gone off the rails, too.
How did that happen?
Reagan.
And so Reagan, Ayn Rand, and this libertarian wing of the Republican Party that equates unbridled, unregulated capitalism with Jesus.
Somehow it's moral because if you don't have capitalism, that means you're lazy and you're not working and you're stealing from other people.
That's their theory.
They refer to taxes as stealing.
So it's all this incendiary.
It's all this from Reagan.
It all started with Reagan.
It's all so dogmatic.
There is no gray area at all.
No, there's no gray area.
So the head of a $3 trillion Ponzi scheme is lecturing others on unbridled capitalism.
Gentlemen, I'm so sorry.
The Pope.
The way you rip on capitalism right now, I just climaxed.
Very nice.
Oh, so you're saying that the Pope's at the top of a pyramid scheme?
Yeah, this is just a $3 trillion pyramid scheme.
If he really wants to put his money where his mouth is, he should sell the Vatican, take those goddamn Renaissance pennies off the wall, give them to the poor, stop running around, just eBay.
Jim, he bay the Catholic Church.
Jim, you got to walk before you can run.
I know.
I know.
The Vatican was bought with a subprime mortgage.
It's really, it's Jesus' dad who's the huge dick.
Spaunting all the hurricanes and the volcanoes.
Jesus executed his uncle.
Really?
No, that was.
Oh, that's Kim Jong-un.
Yeah, that's Jimmy.
I always confuse those two.
Me too.
So there's a little bit more to this.
Let's listen.
This is just pure Marxism coming out of the mouth of the Pope.
Are you a good Jesuit or a bad Jesuit?
That's Glenn Beck saying, are you a good Jesuit?
First of all, have you seen how Glenn Beck is dressing up lately?
Like he's in some kind of a Disney kids movie from the 40s and he's really he's going to be leaving, he's going to be leading the Wells Fargo wagon coming to town.
He's dressed up like as if you were like the guy with the bow tie in the westerns.
Like that's how he's dressed up in one of those crazy vests and he's got those old-timey like I'm the pharmacist glasses in the 1800s.
It's unbelievable what he looks like.
He looks like I'm like, are you getting ready to do some kind of a Mary Poppins thing or something?
What are you doing?
He's been getting ready to do that his entire life.
I don't know if you saw the other day he added the guest on his show Cat the Loo.
It was Western from the 60s.
All right.
Lee Marvin.
James Fonda.
Okay.
So yeah, so that's what happened.
So when, so when, so when the Pope starts to sound a little bit like Jesus, they got to distance themselves from the Pope right away.
They got to get, you know.
And Grig Limbeck is right to be concerned about this Pope.
I mean, look at all the democratically elected governments throughout history that have been overthrown by all those other popes.
They've done a lot of damage, all that yakin.
All I can say is let's just hope that most people hate the poor as much as the conservatives do.
That's their hope.
I'll bet they do.
I think the Pope might be acting more liberal just as a way to get laid.
Frank, I couldn't agree about.
I tweeted that and I was surprised at how few retweets that got.
I couldn't believe it.
I said the Pope is so getting laid tonight.
I got maybe three pretty.
Why does he need to get laid?
What if he's a foot fetishist and just all the washing of feet?
Just doing it.
That's it.
He's got a foot thing.
And you're like, that's not eggnog.
That's what I said.
Criminals' feet, too.
Not just anybody.
Yeah, he likes the bad boys' feet.
It's funny, though.
Because when the church was having its child molestation scandal, the instinct of everyone in power is to like, okay, that's awful, but let's preserve the church.
Let's not, you know, it's not all bad, but when the Pope speaks out on behalf of the poor, they're ready to burn the whole place down.
Sure.
This is correct.
You know, Frankie, it's funny you bring that up because.
I think that scandal is ongoing.
I think it's still going on.
I agree.
At least in my parish.
So, you know, talking about, speaking of that, Frank, you know, Cardinal Dolan from New York.
With a recent Supreme Court decision striking down the Defense of Marriage Act and effectively ending California's Proposition 8, the usual Cardinal Dolan is all upset about it, right?
He says, these days, the vocation of a man and a woman united forever in faithful love, leading to babies and families is as potent a sign of celibacy as for priests.
Besides, the truth shall set you free, he said.
That always gives us encouragement and Trump's worry and sadness, right?
That's what Cardinal Dolan said.
The truth shall set you free.
The truth shall set you free was on the secret police above the Brazilian.
It was on the building above this Brazilian secret police where they used to torture people.
The truth shall set you free.
Really?
Yeah.
So this talk about the truth setting you free thing.
Quote, files released by the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Milwaukee revealed that in 2007, the diocese archbishop at the time, Cardinal Timothy M. Dolan, requested permission from the Vatican to move nearly $57 million into a cemetery trust fund in order to protect the assets from victims of clergy sexual abuse who are demanding compensation.
Cardinal Dolan, now the Archbishop of New York, has in the past emphatically denied seeking to shield church funds as Archbishop of Milwaukee, as he reiterated in a statement on Monday that these were old and discredited attacks.
However, the files released Monday contain a letter he wrote to the Vatican in 2007 in which he explained that by transferring the assets, quote, I foresee an improved protection of these funds from any legal claim and liability, end quote.
Nice.
That's Cardinal Dolan in New York who's upset about contraception.
He's upset about grown-ups using contraception, but he'd like to shield the child rapists.
And one of the main points of that whole story is that for doing that, he got a promotion because he's the cardinal in New York.
Now he's the cardinal of New York.
Yes.
Actually, all the major diocese cardinals have a hand in this.
They all came up for this through this.
Yes.
They have some other things in it, too.
Playing puppet with the boy.
How else they could protect that $57 million?
How?
well it is that they just gave it to the poor Beep.
Beep.
Yay, so hello.
Hey, Jimmy.
It's me, the Pope.
How are you doing?
Hey, did you see this?
Time magazine just made me a personal year.
Hey, but this no big deal.
And I mean that, Jimmy, I'm not just saying it because nobody reads it on magazine anymore.
It's like the Oscars.
Do you even remember who won the next day?
Of course you don't.
And do you know who I was up against?
The guy who runs Siri of all people.
And that gross.
Why not Gagne West while you're considering just the Google Bowls?
Can you believe how people got bent out of shape over my comments about the capitalism?
Hey, folks, Get at the grip.
All I said was the rich people have everything, and the poor people, they don't cover nothing.
What's the big deal?
Everybody know that already.
Jesus said all the same things, and I stole all of my ideas from him.
Believe me, Jimmy.
I'm a bigger plagiarist than Mike Barnacle.
Rush Limbo?
He called me a Marxist.
He's a fat man, but he no jolly.
If I'm a Marxist, I stink at it.
I mean, do you see me up on the American balcony dropping billions of dollars in 20s on all the poor people below running around with their laundry baskets trying to catch them?
Besides, on my first day as Pope, they told me I couldn't do that.
I said, think of the publicity.
But they said, no, Papa.
Go hug a man with leprosy.
So I did.
But even then, the people said, you are the one guy with leprosy, they're going to be lining up around the block, look like a falline movie.
But that's my hook, Jimmy.
I'm the happy Pope.
Everybody got to like me.
Okay, maybe I'm a little insecure.
But who isn't when you come right down to it?
No?
Also, I was smart with the name.
I'm the first Pope, name of Francis.
I don't got to leave up or do nothing.
So I don't worry when people freak out just because they said rich people, they're greedy.
It's like saying gay men are snarky.
Everybody knows it already.
It's just common sense, Jimmy.
So why would I be hating one of the gays?
I son of good boss.
And I got nobody to answer my phone right to my speeches and give me the fashion of tips.
The Russia Limbaugh cry babies.
They complain because I hate to trickle down economic assets.
Why did I say trickle down is bad?
Because I'm 77 years old and I'm on stage praying for six hours straight without the bathroom.
Anyway, don't worry, all you Wall Street CEOs.
It's just a lot of chin music.
I'm at a pulp with a hope.
Like at a powerball ticket.
You feel great, even if you got an offense.
Merry Christmas, Jimmy.
Oh, excuse me.
You are the atheist.
Happy holidays.
I forgive you, my friend.
As a pope.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
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Thank you.
So Herman Kane is upset.
He's upset with the Republican Party.
He's upset with the Republican Party.
Bill O'Reilly had come out and said that the Republican Party is all over the place.
They don't have a coherent message.
And so they went to Herman Kane, and here's what Herman Kane had to say about it.
The Republican Party does have.
Hang on.
The Republican Party does have a branding problem.
They've had one for years.
Okay, Herman, the Republicans don't have a branding problem.
Okay.
I mean, I guess they do have a branding problem.
Their ancestors used to brand your ancestors.
That was a problem.
Yeah, I guess that was a problem.
Okay, so here he goes.
And I have been screaming to the top of my voice to whoever will listen in the Republican Party.
You need to.
And who was listening, Herman?
That would be no one.
No one.
I've been stripped to who will ever listen, which is no one.
No one will listen to you.
Okay.
To fix it, that was a way to fix it.
Just look at the most recent example.
The reason the Republicans won't fix the branding problem, Herman, is if they stop being racist, they'll lose all their racists.
Do you understand this?
Herman Kane is saying that when you think of the Republican Party, you think of something awful, like, for instance, Godfather Pizza.
Well, as Ben Mankowitz has said before, you don't have a branding problem.
It's not like they're Republican Party.
I saw you guys have the best candy bar in the world, and you named it Cancer.
That's not the problem.
Okay, so he goes on.
He's got more to say, Herman Kane, about what he's upset with the Republican Party.
The RNC sent out a flyer to some of its members talking about potential 2016 presidential candidates.
Do you know what they had in common?
They all had been on TV and in the media a lot, and they were all white.
Where was Alan West?
Where was Dr. Ben Carson?
And have they ruled out the possibility that I might consider another run?
Yes, they have.
Where was Alan West?
In a room covering himself with his own feces.
If I know the guy.
They were on Pluto.
Firing a gun next to an Iraqi prisoner.
Well, wait a minute, though.
Think about that for a minute because the three people he's naming who he's saying should be stars and presidential candidates, Alan West, Ben Carson, Herman Kane, none of whom have ever been in political office ever.
Well, Alan West was a congressman, but Frank, he couldn't even win re-election in his own congressional district.
And somehow he's supposed to be a national candidate.
Say, Ben Carson is...
Yes.
In fact, Ben Carson was, they took away his speaking engagement at Princeton after they found out what a crazy he was.
He was supposed to give the commencement address.
Was I wrong about that?
Then they took it away from Ben Carson.
This is true.
And so, and then they have him, him who had to drop out of the race because he's a maniac.
Yes, yes.
He goes, why don't they have more, why don't they have more black candidates like Alan West and Herman Kane?
Then white and black voters would unite in choosing someone else.
Why just white crackpots when there are so many crackpots of color?
So he doesn't get the branding problem is that they brand to the white population.
Is that what he doesn't understand?
He doesn't understand.
And he doesn't understand that he's in a party that doesn't like him.
That they try to paint blacks to be scary as possible so they can get white racists to vote for them at the expense of any blacks voting for them.
Okay.
But they're playing a numbers game, more whites than blacks.
So the Southern strategy was born.
So in short, Herman, they don't really like you.
They only like to use you for cover for all their racism, voter suppression, suppression, and more racism.
That's all they need.
There's nothing like being a black guy trying to succeed in a part in a party that supported apartheid.
Yes.
Oh, my God.
That's right.
So you're the House Republican, basically, is what you are.
So I like how he goes, I've been screaming at the top of my voice to whoever will listen in the Republican Party, and they've been ignoring you at the top of their dicks.
It's their own way of saying, go fuck yourself, Herman.
And when are you going to get the message?
Yeah, there's nothing white Republicans love more than a black man yelling at the top of his voice.
He's just, he's just now figuring out.
He goes, what part of the Republican Party?
What don't you get about the Republicans, Herman?
This is my question.
I'm going to nominate you for shittiest detective in the world because you're just figuring out that they have a problem with black people leading their party.
That reminds me of what I heard Isaac Beshiva Singer complain that the Nazis wouldn't accept him.
It's a Jewish writer, right?
What?
Where the f are you?
On the phone, we have Herman Kane.
Herman, how are you, buddy?
Good.
How you doing, Jimmy?
It's been too long.
What you wearing?
Oh, come on, Herman.
What's your wife wearing?
That's the real question.
Yeah, listen, let's get back.
I'll just imagine.
Okay, so now you have, first of all, you were upset with the RNC because they put out a list of potential 2016 presidential candidates.
And, well, why don't you take it from there?
They were all white, right?
Yeah, what are they thinking?
All the people on the list were white, dudes.
You know, not a single African-American.
What about Alan West?
Yeah, I know.
Herman.
He's going to be the next president, whether you like it or not.
Herman, you know you're like.
You're not here.
What about Dr. Van Carson?
He's a genius.
He's a neurosurgeon who also happens to know all sorts of things about other topics.
Yes.
Listen, Herman.
Well, what about me?
Herman.
What if I wanted to run again?
Dr. Why I'm not.
Why am I not on that list?
Herman, you know you're...
It's racism.
I shouldn't go that far.
It's just an oversight.
You're in the Republican Party, Herman.
I know.
That's what hurts the most.
Do you get that they're trying to stop black people from voting?
Do you understand that they don't want your people part of the election?
Not all they do is they say they want an ID.
You need an ID to buy ice cream.
Why wouldn't you need an ID to vote?
Or something like that.
Hey, that's all the time we have for today and all that stuff.
And guess what?
You know, you can hear the rest of that Herman Kane call if you get the premium content.
That's this week's premium content.
That's right.
We got a 10-minute Herman Kane call.
Oh, plus, we talk about the Santa Claus is white.
I don't know if you know, according to Megan Kelly, so is Jesus Christ.
And we talk all about that.
And there's a lot more stuff happening.
It was an oh my God.
There's a lot of stuff happening in the premium content this week.
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That's it for this week.
Huh?
That's everything.
Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Frank Conniff, Robert Yasimura, Steve Rosenfield, Mark Van Landuet, and Steph Samurano.
Special thanks to Jim Earl.
And you can catch Jim Earl's book, Morning Remembrance, Funny Obituaries of Real Dead People at JimEarl.com.
And Google 30 Minutes of Crap.
It's their new.
I already listened to it and I loved it.
I did love it.
It was only 22 minutes long, though.
So they say 30 minutes.
I think they're lying a little bit to you.
Okay.
That's it for this week, right?
And don't forget Mike McRae.
He does all the voices, the hilarious, the inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcray.com.
And a special thanks to Sean James, who helps fix our computer every time.
In fact, we're getting together Sunday over the internet so he can set up my backup.
Got a new backup, a Drobo.
Pretty expensive backup, but Sean convinces me I needed it and I do need it.
So anyway, if you want, you need any help, your computer's not working your Macintosh.
Sean can fix it for you right over the internet.
It's amazing to see.
You can reach him at machelp at seanjames.com to send him an email or you can call him at 347-695-0601.
That's Sean James, and you spell Sean, S-H-A-U-N.
Okay, that's it for this week.
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