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Nov. 16, 2013 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program, the Jimmy Dore Show.
Last week, a study published in the proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences suggested there could be as many as 11 billion planets capable of supporting life in the Milky Way alone.
So if you feel like a meaningless speck, you may be onto something.
Are we really all alone in the universe, or does it just feel that way, especially on a Saturday night?
Using the Kepler Space Telescope, astronomers identified 600 planets on which water could exist in liquid form.
Biologists believe liquid water is essential for life, though it's also important to always have enough ice.
Researchers calculated that the closest of these habitable planets might be only 12 light years away.
Which is good because by the time we find one of them, the only people left alive will be the ones on the spaceship.
Would beings from other planets look human?
Would their civilizations be far advanced?
Do they have antidepressants that don't make you feel tired?
The discovery of extraterrestrial life would no doubt unite mankind as never before.
Though that wouldn't matter much if the aliens started eating us.
The mere knowledge of life on other planets might even tell us something profound about God.
For example, that he had no idea we were even here.
We may never know the answers to these questions in our lifetime, but our children or our grandchildren may know them.
Of course, if you don't have kids, you kind of don't care.
I'm not.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
...cut-minded, low-relibered lefties.
The kind of people that are...
...Hell Bents, maybe, on Tearing Down Our Nation.
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper say...
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's episode.
I'm joined in the studio to my right, the host of Comedy and Everything Else, our resident Latina.
It's Steph Zemarano.
Hey, Steph, how are you?
I'm doing great, Jimmy.
We have a show coming up, Comedy and Everything Else.
November 22nd at the Fake Gallery.
November 22nd at the Fake Gallery.
Comedy and Everything Else is putting on an essay show.
And what's the title of the show?
Holidays Suck.
Holidays Suck.
Okay, so if you'd like to hear funny essay stories about how the holidays suck, it's November.
What's the day?
November 22nd at 8 p.m. at the Fake Gallery, and we'll have information later.
Okay, we'll have links at my Facebook page, Steph's Facebook page, Common Everything Else's Facebook page.
All over the place, we'll have links.
Okay, and also across the glass for me, hilarious comedian from Team Yasimur.
It's Robert Yasimura.
Hey, Robert, how are you?
I'm great, Jimmy.
I just want to say I'm really getting into the Lord.
Oh, good.
Good.
You mean Lord Coret?
Or who do you mean?
Our Savior.
Oh, Lord De Jesus?
The Jesus.
Jesus the Christ.
Really getting into the Texas.
I love it when Asians are into Jesus.
It's funny.
I will also be part of a mass marriage coming up late December.
Oh, fantastic.
Okay, so look for you with Reverend Moon.
Across from him, the hilarious host of Turner Classic Movies.
It's Ben Mankiewicz.
Hi, Ben.
How are you?
James, how are you?
I'm doing good.
It's good to have you.
Former Writer for the Daily Show, hilarious comedian at Steve Rosenfield.
Steve, how are you?
Good, Jimmy.
How are you?
I'm doing fantastic.
And let's do some jokes before we get to the jokes.
Hey, I saw this.
This was a headline in the Huffington Post yesterday.
Headline, budget cuts hurt America's most vulnerable students.
Really?
I thought it was going to be the rich kids that took it on the chin this time.
Turns out the sequester is really hurting the people who can least afford.
You know, I don't know how you spent your Veterans Day, but you know that Dick Cheney spends his Veterans Day by parading his five deferments around and thanking veterans for saving his cowardly war-mongering ass.
You know, for a moment I thought Pink Flamingos was airing on CBS, but it was just 60 Minutes Eating Shit.
Hey, did you, that new Thor movie is out.
That new Thor movie, it's out.
It's doing well.
And I have my fingers crossed because I hope this means the studios will get over their resistance to making superhero films.
Hey, Rand, Paul can't stop plagiarizing.
Turns out he's now tweeting Instagrams of other people's penises.
All right, what's coming up on today's show?
We check into immigration and John Boehner gets confronted by a couple of 13-year-old Hispanioles.
Is that right?
Hispanic, Jimmy.
I think so.
I'm saying it like George Bush says it.
Also, Cokie Roberts, she's not on Twitter, but she knows all about it.
We talk about that story.
Plus, we look into the Democrats kneecapping Obamacare before it even gets started.
Sarah Palin thinks the Pope is too liberal.
And gerrymandering, what are the Democrats going to do about it?
We'll talk about it.
Here's a hint.
Nothing.
And if we have time, Rob Ford is the greatest North American mayor in history.
Plus, we got phone calls from John Boehner, Mitt Romney, Ted Cruz, and Mel Gibson.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
Jimmy Dore Show.
Hello, Jimmy.
Mel Gibson here.
I just called to offer a few words of support for my good friend Luke Russer.
I have a soft spot for people the whole world despises.
Wonder why.
When Luke said the mainstream media hates religious people, I felt I knew him my whole entire life.
As you know, I'm a religious person, Jimmy.
I'm a Catholic.
I'm extremely Catholic.
I'm so Catholic that as far as I'm concerned, the Pope's a fucking Unitarian.
I know you're Catholic too, Jimmy.
You just don't have a good one.
Luke really nailed it when he said the media stereotypes religious people as intolerant.
I mean...
Okay, bad example.
You talked about the snickering masses, and nobody understands better than I do what it's like to have the masses snickering at you.
Doesn't feel too good.
Makes me feel very angry.
It takes a lot to make me angry.
Exactly, six tequila shooters.
When I get angry, I say things that cost me hundreds of millions of dollars.
Luke Russett is a great journalist, and I'm not saying that because I'm off my meds.
What is it about Luke that I admire so much?
He pisses the shit out of people, but he keeps working anyway.
And there's nothing they can do about it.
We both hate atheists, but we forgive them, but not really.
The media hates religions.
They do.
Don't deny it, Jimmy Dore.
I never mentioned Christmas, not even once.
Just comes and goes nothing.
It's January.
Look at all the atheist politicians we have.
One example.
Fuck off.
He is, But I don't get it.
The media is so biased against religion.
Why do the Jews get a pass?
Do you ever hear anything bad about the Jews except when they're not around?
Anyway, my new movie is called Machete Kills and it's just a real gas.
I play a bad guy, or as I call him, a good guy.
Playing a villain was really a challenge for me because I had to completely immerse myself as a character.
And I just play myself.
It's great to do a project that's not already gone to Netflix while I'm still puking in my trailer.
Next summer, I'm going to be a villain again, an expendable three.
Let's face it.
I'm going to be a goddamn villain in every movie I make from now on.
In every restaurant and in every premiere, at every stop.
Thanks to the Jews.
I'm sorry, Jimmy.
I'm still in character for Machete Kills.
I hope you'll go see it.
Because if you don't, I'm driving over there.
Okay.
Goodbye now.
Take care.
Okay, that was Mel Gibson.
The Jimmy Dorris show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
So I get that the overhaul of the healthcare system is going to be a little bumpy.
But I think every story about the health care reform needs to lead with, hey, the healthcare reform guarantees health insurance for everyone, no matter what your pre-existing condition is.
It has some unforeseen problems that, guess what, are going to be fixed.
Don't judge it today.
Judge it from a year from now.
But no, everybody wants to judge it today.
Today they want to judge it.
Hey, I'm all for judging something before it goes into effect and before if we know it works or not, just as much as the next guy.
But we all need to agree that doing so is stupid, counterproductive, and exactly what the Koch brothers want us to do.
Because according to John Gruber, an economist from MIT who was instrumental in implementing RomneyCare, he says this about the rollout and the problems happening with Obamacare right now.
The big issue here is that it's just too early to make a strong conclusion.
The bottom line is people don't sign up until they have to.
They have to sign up by March 31st, and that's the relevant date to evaluate it.
If you really need to evaluate it, then we're doing better than Massachusetts, actually.
As Secretary Sebelius said, about 0.3% of people sign up in Massachusetts.
It's about 1.5% for the federal level of our goal of $7 million.
But that's really not a relevant comparison.
The relevant comparison happens in March, and we need to focus on that timeframe, not the week-to-week and day-to-day numbers we've been focused on to date.
Okay, so what he's saying is the worst thing anyone could possibly say in the 24-hour news cycle.
Yes, wait that waits.
Right, wait, we don't really have an answer yet.
I know you want one, but it would be irresponsible of me to give you one at this point.
Because knowing how it went with RomneyCare, which everyone considers a big success in Massachusetts, Romney Care is a big success in Massachusetts.
And he's saying that the first month we rolled out RomneyCare, less people signed up for the RomneyCare than have signed up for Obamacare with all the problems Obamacare is having.
Still more people have signed up, 1.5%.
So it's way doing way better if you compare it to Romney Care, which no one is doing, by the way.
No one is going to put any of these numbers in context because this week they rolled out how many people signed up for Obamacare already.
It's immaterial.
Most people wait until the last second to sign up for health care that they have to sign up for.
And we all know that.
That's the same way with private employers.
Their employees wait until right before the deadline to pick a plan.
It's the same with everything anyone has ever been tasked to do in the history of gas.
Yes.
But the news, but no, but you know what?
And I blame the news media, but more than anything, I do blame the Democrats on this because you have to frame this issue for the news people to talk about, and they're not doing it.
They're just, they're responding to talking points from the right instead of putting out their own framing.
Instead of putting out their own, where is George Lake off when you need him?
Because here is what Bill Clinton, Bill Clinton, was being interviewed.
And there's a little betting music underneath this.
I apologize.
But you'll be able to hear what he has to say.
Here's what he's saying about Obamacare because the big deal is now some people, a very small percentage of people, are going to be losing their health care plans, which are horrible health care plans.
It's less than 5%.
Less than people who are self-insured.
Yes.
Not even people like, so it's a very small percentage.
And they're losing it because those insurance plans were god-awful.
God-awful.
And did not meet very basic standards.
So now we have standards.
So they're not saying any of this stuff, Robert.
And in fact, what they're saying is this.
This is what Bill Clinton says about it.
I personally believe even if it takes a change in the law, the president should honor the commitment the federal government made to those people and go to keep what they got.
We caught up with Bill Clinton on an elevator and he had this to say.
So that was Bill Clinton saying that Barack Obama should honor his promise to the people and let them keep their crappy insurance, even if they have to redo it.
It sounds like the way Clinton's talking about Obamacare, you'd think he was running for reelection.
Yes.
Wait, wait a minute.
He kind of is.
Kind of.
He was.
He used to be known as the explainer in chief, and now he's the screw the commander-in-chief in chief.
Yeah, this is Clinton pretending to be a Republican, just like when he was president.
Not much has changed.
Not much.
Didn't Clinton create healthcare?
Didn't he create a health care reform plan that never even got voted on?
Never even made it to Congress.
Never even made it to a vote.
Never got out of committee.
Yeah, that's Bill Clinton.
Thanks for kneecapping the president instead of going out there and identifying that, hey, let's judge this in March.
Why don't we wait till judge this next year?
Why are we doing it now?
Let's remind everybody what a debacle Medicare D was when it got rolled out.
Let's remind people that everything that gets rolled out, they're not doing that.
I think Obama's being held to too high a standard because he said you'd be able to keep your plans.
So they're trying to handcuff him to this.
Yes.
That he said that.
And so they're marrying this to, oh, somebody in Ohio lost their coverage.
But, you know, it's hard to get on Bill Clinton.
I'm sorry, but it's hard to get on Bill Clinton because for getting on the president or for not supporting the president when the president now is no longer supporting the president.
Well, you know what, Ben?
Very good point.
I guess you're right.
Well, maybe, yeah.
You know, he was so close.
He was so close to a really great Kennedy moment of taking responsibility and moving forward.
And he got attacked by the blue dogs on his left, and they screwed him.
Yes.
Here's the thing.
I say you're not allowed.
And this is exactly what Barack Obama should be saying and Bill Clinton should be saying and every Catherine should be saying.
But they're not.
They should say that, hey, if you want to criticize Obamacare, which is going to provide health insurance for people who were formerly not allowed health insurance, that were uninsured, you're not allowed to criticize it unless you have a better plan.
And you have to present that plan in detail.
And if you don't have a better plan, you have to shut up now because you guys were in control of the House and the Senate and the presidency for six straight years and you did nothing.
You did not one thing about health care.
So that's what they have to say.
Now we have a plan.
Now you guys have to shut up and let's see how it works.
Let's give it a year and we'll see.
That's what they need to be saying, but they're not saying that.
They're not saying that.
And if someone said to me, well, you have a better right, because I criticize Obamacare, but I have a better plan than Obamacare.
It's called single payer.
Bam.
That's it.
Case closed.
Conversation over.
It's an amazingly simple website.
Yes.
Yes.
You sign up.
You put your name in.
You sign up.
But the Republicans, Robert, have no alternative to Obamacare.
They just have hating Obamacare because Obamacare used to be their answer to Bill Clinton's idea, right?
And now they're disowning their own health care reform because a black guy is also cool with it.
So they're what they're left with.
They're disowning.
The Republicans are disowning their own ideas.
So these are their ideas that they won't sign on to.
And so what are they left with?
They're left with no ideas, which is why they have to suppress the vote all over the country and gerrymander districts like maniacs because they can't win the battle of ideas if they don't have any ideas.
And they don't.
And what does it look like when you don't have any ideas and you want to criticize a health care plan?
Here's Sarah Palin going on the Today Show with Matt Lauer, and Matt Lauer asks her exactly what I want someone to ask.
From the Tea Party, over and over again, we're hearing the words no, defund, delay, repeal.
Absolutely.
What are we hearing from the Tea Party in terms of an absolute realistic plan that could be an alternative?
Okay, so let's watch how she tries not to answer this question.
Ready?
Let's watch how many times she tries not to answer it.
What's your plan?
He says.
And she says, it's not just the independent grassroots Tea Party movement saying this.
There's many in the Republic and many Democrats, too, especially Democrats in red states that are running for reelection.
Where's the plan?
She just won't.
She wants to talk about anything but what her plan.
Nothing.
Let's talk about this and that.
So here she finally is going to, he presses her.
He has to ask her three times.
That's so rude.
He just asked her for a third time, what's your plan?
He's running for political cover.
The plan is to allow those things that had been proposed over many years to reform a health care system in America that certainly does need more help so that there's more competition, there's less tort reform threat, there's less trajectory of the cost increases.
So nothing.
Torture reform is less tort reform threat.
She doesn't even know.
She doesn't know tort reform is.
You're the one threatening tort reform.
She has no idea what it even, what tort reform even means.
She thinks it's something that you get at the bakery.
She doesn't even know what that word.
And Matt Lauer lets it go right by.
I mean, you know, half props to Matt Lauer.
This is a Today Show.
It is Sarah Palin.
She's obfuscating at full speed.
And so she says, let's, so, and then he says.
Those plans have been proposed over and over again.
And what thwarts those plans is the fuck.
She says those plans have been proposed over and over again.
Like when?
When did you propose those?
When you guys own the House, Senate, and the presidency, you never brought, nothing.
You guys have no plans.
She's trying to give us a history lesson.
And hey, who better to give us a lesson about history than Sarah Palin, who is history?
She just doesn't know it.
I like the way she says, oh, there was this plan to decrease costs.
Yes.
There was no plan.
What?
Why didn't you?
Decreasing costs is the end effect of a plan.
But watch how Matt Lauer, watch how Matt Lauer.
So after she says all that word salad about nothing, Matt Lauer sticks it to her.
Our left, it's President Obama and his supporters who will not allow the Republicans to usher in free market, patient-centered doctor-patient relationship leaks to reform health care.
So she's just saying things that make no nothing.
Free market.
What do you, what do, what, free market?
Free market that's allowed to drop you at the drop of a hat.
She's like a Republican thesaurus that she just draws from.
Yes, things that so.
She wrote this on her hand.
And so here is Matt Lauer, because he's not going to let her get away with saying all that stuff.
Here's what he says.
Let's move on.
Let's talk about Chris Christie.
Yes.
He did press her first.
He's moving in for the kill.
That's why Matt Lauer makes a big bucks.
He moves on.
I got to tell you, though, with Sarah Palin, you don't really have to press her.
You just have to let her go.
She'll keep talking and she'll expose herself.
Well, he could have said at the end of that, none of them you just said made sense.
But even to me, the best question to ask Sarah Palin is essentially that, but it would just be, I can't follow you.
What do you mean?
Yeah, yeah, what is that?
What do you mean by tort reform?
He should have said to her, what do you mean by tort reform threat?
Yeah, what do you mean by tort return?
Just let her go.
I'm sorry, I can't follow what you're saying.
Explain it to me again.
Exactly.
Exactly.
And that's exactly what Charlie Gibson did to her when he, what do you think the Bush doctrine is?
Remember when he asked him that?
How could he do that?
Can you explain to me what the Bush doctrine is?
Gotcha, man.
Gotcha, Paul.
Gotcha.
Exactly.
But, you know, very quickly, I'm sorry, but the free market thing that she keeps talking about is what Obama's doing.
That's what it is.
It's literally, you go on and then competing private companies fight for your business.
It's their plan.
Like you said, it's the Heritage Foundation's plan.
It's their idea.
It's their idea.
And that's why they have no, so they can't come up with an idea because their idea is the one that Barack Obama is embracing.
And this is what it looks like when you have a party of no ideas.
You're gerrymandering like maniacs.
You're suppressing the vote of everybody except white male racists.
This is what happens.
And so I don't know how long they can hang out because they have no idea.
Look at Paul Ryan's budget.
There's no ideas in there.
There's no ideas anywhere.
They same old stuff, same old stuff.
We're going to cut taxes.
We're going to shift the burden to people about Medicare.
We're going to cut Social Security.
We're going to put children back to work.
We're going to private.
We're going to put kids back to work, privatize Medicare.
They have no idea.
School vouchers.
They have no new ideas.
They have none.
Can I just say, though, we're right back to where we started from not long ago because once this got into the news cycle, the Democrats started scrambling for their keys, couldn't find them, could not get on message.
And guess what?
All the political gains that Democrats got from the shutdown are gone.
Gone.
Okay.
And today, Boehner had the balls to stand up and double down and say, you know what?
The only solution is to get rid of the whole program altogether.
Yes.
And you know what?
No one said to him, what are you talking about, you lunatic?
Right.
So they have nothing to replace, you know.
So, and the weird, here's the weird thing that's happening right now.
This is really weird.
This may be the weirdest thing of all time.
Obamacare keeps increasing in popularity.
It's not going the other way.
Obamacare, even as Barack Obama's numbers go the other way, Obamacare keeps gaining in popularity.
Have you noticed that that is continuously more and more and more the story where national polls are showing one thing, but the messaging from the parties and the media are saying exactly the opposite over and over and over again.
Yes.
Yes, I have.
Yes, I've been noticing that.
Well, look at how the people have taken the marijuana issue into their own hands, right?
So now we can't wait for your politicians.
We're just going to vote it in ourselves.
And now there's finally, there's a Senate candidate, I think, in Maine who's running and on a pro-legalized marijuana platform.
So that's finally starting to happen, finally.
So the people have to get out in front of their politicians and the people are leading.
And let me just go one.
Do you have something to say, Ben?
Well, I just, to go with buttress.
There you go.
What Robert said, you know, what's so frustrating is this.
I haven't seen, I know there are people.
I know it's good.
And that's a good thing.
I'm sure, I haven't watched a lot of TV this week in the last couple of weeks.
I'm sure people are out there doing it.
But I happened to see Anthony Weiner on the Bill Maher show.
And just without going exactly what he said, the fight that that guy has for all the fact that I get why people may not like him personally, right?
But man, that guy got into a fight defending this plan, which he didn't even initially support because he didn't think it went nearly far enough.
He's your single payer.
He's supposed to put everybody on Medicare.
Yeah, his only fight was, do you want to put everybody on Medicare in five years, 10 years, or 15 years?
That's our plan.
Let's go.
Let's do that.
Because it solves all the problems and saves money.
But who would want that?
Because it puts the insurance companies out of business or a lot of insurance.
And saves money.
And saves money.
Right.
So, but where's the fight in this?
Where is because instantly it's like even good sort of, even the Democrats who fought and for all the Republican-like parts of Bill Clinton, he fought, right?
He didn't let really people frame him.
We didn't really like all of what he framed himself, but he usually led the way.
But everybody's just backing up.
And Anthony Weiner went out there like he did on the floor of the house and he fought with people.
And I wish to what Robert said, why isn't anybody out there framing this?
Why isn't anybody fighting back?
Why isn't anybody talking about, hey, we're talking about 4% of people who are going to lose their plan anyway?
And the fact of the matter is, these guys don't have a plan.
This is their plan.
And they're sitting there taking shots at it.
And meanwhile, we're covering millions and millions of people with pre-existing conditions.
And it just doesn't get said.
And we've allowed this debate to be framed the way it's been framed.
And as a result, it's over.
And not only have the Republicans alleviated and gotten past any of the damage done by the shutdown, is that you know that when does this deal, this dumb deal that we made end, like March?
When the debt limit comes up again, now they're going to be like, well, the president's down under 40% now.
Let's go again.
And they'll go again.
And this time, I would imagine they'll get some serious concessions if things don't turn out.
I agree with you.
Ben, that's exactly what I said at the top of this segment.
It's like the Democrats don't know how to frame this.
They should start every conversation.
Every time Barack Obama is asked a question about Obamacare or their website or the problems, he should say, let me just say first, we're covering millions and millions of people.
If you have a pre-existing condition, you no longer have to worry about that.
Your kids are on your insurance until they're 25.
Now, let me address this little problem of the 5% of people who have to get a better plan.
That's what you're upset about?
That they have to get a better plan?
Right.
And that's how he should say it.
And say it.
How is he not able to say it?
Not just a better plan, a better plan for cheaper.
I have a friend who works for the healthcare.gov or that website.
And so some people call in.
They actually can't get through on the website.
So they call in, and he said that they've been getting like prank calls.
And he said he's almost convinced that one guy is John Boehner who keeps calling in.
And so he said, I can get you a recording, but I can only get you the recording of the caller.
I can't get you.
The person, the worker at the healthcare diet, they don't tape their side of the conversation.
They just tape the caller.
So here, do you want to hear one of those?
Sure, here.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Okay, here we go.
Hey, this is Obamacare.
Yeah, this was Rod Boehner.
I need health insurance from the government because I'm a fucking deadbeat.
I called the right number.
Okay, well, here's the rundown.
I'm 50, drink and smoke.
My wife is 48, drinks and smoke.
We have four kids, ages 6 to 13.
They all drink and smoke.
Hey, we accidentally sent them to a school that kept scoring soccer.
They lost a game and they've been so distraught they've been self-medicating ever since.
So, anyways, we need the basic coverage.
Compound fractures, brick-its, and hot tub accidents.
How about this guy is that going to run me?
That was it.
That's it.
That was one of the great calls.
That sounds like him.
I wonder if that's John Boehner.
I was like, here's a mean streak.
Okay.
Charles Kremer, listener of the Jimmy Dore show from New York, writes in and says, Jimmy, I had been delaying using your Amazon.com box for what reason I don't know.
But I just started using it last week for my early Christmas shopping.
And lo and behold, I got a promotion at work.
I've lost some weight.
And women are dating me now.
Is it a coincidence?
I don't know.
But thanks anyway.
Great show.
Glad to help support you any way we can.
Hey, thanks to you for writing in.
I'm glad you lost weight and you got a promotion at work and you're getting laid.
Is that because you helped support the Jimmy Doerr show by using our Amazon.com box?
I don't know.
Is it a coincidence?
I don't know.
I'm not Kreskin.
But if you're having, so thanks to everybody who uses our Amazon.com box when they shop at Amazon.com.
And you can too.
All you do is go to JimmyDorkComedy.com.
You click on the Amazon box.
And when you buy something from Amazon, they send us some money.
It's just that easy.
And it doesn't change the way you shop at Amazon.
And it doesn't cost you anything, but yet you still get to support the show.
And it really helps make this thing happen.
So thanks to everybody who's already taking advantage of it.
Thanks to everyone who's going to think about the Jimmy Doer show when they use their amazon.com box all right let's get back to the second half we got phone calls from john boehner rip torn and mick romney coming up in the second half of the show and we might get to ted cruz will we i already know but i'm going to tease it okay let's get to that second half okay so immigration has been in the news cycle pretty consistently since 2008 or so because republicans are masters of creating
bigoted wedge issues that shortly thereafter blow up in their faces.
After the 2012 election, pretty much everyone realized that if the Republican Party wanted to survive, they needed at least to soften their national position on immigration, right?
So in June, a bipartisan immigration reform bill overwhelmingly passed the Senate, and then nothing, nothing has happened.
After the shutdown debacle, the dominant assumption was that the House would try to repair their image by finally passing immigration reform.
But it stalled.
And why did it stall?
Well, here's the guys at the Hill to tell us why it stalled.
Come on, play.
This is part two in our series of why immigration reform died in the House this year.
A big reason is that Speaker John Boehner was unwilling to put his weight behind a bill that Republicans and Democrats in the House were negotiating for more than four years.
At a critical point over the summer, conservative Republicans John Carter and Sam Johnson from Texas went to Boehner asking for some sort of commitment to the legislation that they had drafted and written.
Boehner would not do so.
And a month later, Carter and Johnson pulled out of the group and the group collapsed.
So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, there's two Republicans sticking their neck out, just working on a bipartisan bill.
And by the way, it's a super conservative bill.
It's a bill, this immigration bill is, is to immigration what the Heritage Foundation is, Obamacare was to health care.
That this is their thing, baby.
This is their right-wing immigration bill.
It gives 38,000 border agents on a 700-mile fence.
38,000 border agents on a 700-mile fence.
For real.
Okay.
Also, the whole path to citizenship inside this bill, this conservative immigration bill, is at best a 13-year ordeal.
13 years.
In which the applicant is pretty much on parole and is barred from accessing most federal benefits.
So, that was the bill that John Boehner is just let wither.
That's the bill that came out of the Senate.
That's the bipartisan.
That's the bipartisan.
That's the meat in the middle.
38,000 cops on a 700-mile fence.
That was the Senate bill or that's the House bill?
He wouldn't pass.
That's the Senate bill that he will not bring up for a vote in the House.
And he won't.
So, there was a couple of 13-year-old Mexican girls or Hispanic girls.
I don't know what their exact origin is.
So, they confronted him.
He was sitting down to have breakfast in a restaurant.
He was sitting by himself at the breakfast bar.
This is yesterday, by the way.
This is yesterday, which I find funny that he's sitting by himself eating breakfast because he has bodyguards.
Like, wouldn't they be sitting there with him at least next to him?
No.
You stand over there, you stink.
I don't think they care that much about him.
It's just funny.
Maybe they already ate their breakfast.
So, I'm going to play it.
So, these two 13-year-old Hispanic girls go up to him and they ask him.
First, she pleads to him.
She says, you're a father, right?
Let's see if you can hear it.
Let's see if we can hear it.
Ready?
Here we go.
So, she says, do you think we can talk while you're waiting for your food?
And he goes, yeah, sure.
Which you can tell.
He just swallowed a mouthful of glass.
Yeah, sure.
That'd be great.
He's looking out the window.
His bodyguards outside.
What the f*** do I pay you guys for?
He knows what's coming.
Yeah.
He knows what's coming.
Yeah.
And he won't even turn.
Like, he won't turn.
He's at a counter.
These girls come up to the side of him.
And he just turns his head.
He's not turning his body.
He's not really giving them respect.
You know what I mean?
That's how you, oh, hi.
You turn to someone.
He seemed hesitant.
Like, he was trying to think whether this was an opportunity for him to stand his ground.
So, here they ask him.
So, hi.
I'm Herman Lever.
I'm 13.
And you're a father, right?
So, she says, you're a father, right?
So, how would you feel if you had to tell your kids at the age of 10?
That you were never coming home.
So, she says, how would you feel if you had to tell your kids at the age of 10 that you were never coming home?
This is what a 13-year-old girl says to John Boehner.
Little does she know that John Boehner, pretty neglectful father.
Pretty bad father.
He actually would be like, I roughly did that.
That's what I told them.
Have you been talking to my kids?
They tell you to say that?
I spent a lot of time in Washington.
Okay.
So, here's what he says.
Back to that.
That wouldn't be good.
He says, that wouldn't be good.
He says it in kind of a jaunty way.
Yeah.
That wouldn't be good.
Like, we're talking about, hey, you dropped your chocolate bar in the dirt.
Oh, that wouldn't be good if I dropped my chocolate bar in the dirt.
Or if I had to tell my kids I wouldn't be able to see them ever again.
That wouldn't be good.
That's pretty much the same kind of gravity he gave to that response.
Okay.
So, and he, by the way, not even looking at her.
Just looking straight ahead.
Now he's got a bowl of something in front of him.
Ready?
Porridge.
There you go.
I know.
So that's what's happening.
That's what happened to me.
So she says, that's what happened to me.
What happened to me?
I thought I was going to see my dad again.
So she starts to tell her story to him.
You can't really hear it, but she's saying, that's what happened to me.
My father had said that he might not ever see me again when I was 10, and I cried so hard.
And John Boehner loves a good cry.
Oh, nobody.
He moved to tears easily.
Nobody cries more than him.
And he, by the way, still no eye contact with her.
So what do we think, just real quick, so I understand.
Her parents, her father said, like, he had to go back to wherever he came from.
He was going to be deported.
He was going to be deported.
Yeah.
But she was born here.
Yes.
So she, all right, okay.
And that he might not ever see her again.
In case you didn't know.
Well, I'm trying to find somebody to get this thing done.
So he says.
Well.
And he kind of turns his head a little bit to look at her.
I'm trying to find a way to get this thing done.
But he's talking about breakfast.
I was going to say, he was talking about his eggs.
Yeah, they're undercooked.
Yeah.
But we just heard from the Hill News Report that he was the reason this didn't go forward.
We just learned that.
We know that.
So he said, I'm trying to get this done.
So this girl says, she comes back.
It's, you know, not easy.
Not going to be.
An easy path forward.
But I've made it clear since the day after the election.
It's time to get it done.
he said it's not going to be an easy path forward but i've made it clear since the day after the election that it's time to get this done this is what he's telling to these 13 year old girls so what he's doing is lying to them he's just lying to them because he's won't he won't tell this girl too bad you're screwed you might never see your father again i don't care about that because i'm not you to be fair he never once says immigration reform no it could be he could be referring to a a bill that would make sure that dads can't even say goodbye yeah It just speeds him straight out.
Or a different bill that said a man over 60 years old having breakfast alone at a restaurant cannot be approached under any circumstances.
So he says, I've said this a day after the election.
Time to get this done.
It's only been a year.
So that's what he tells him.
And he says...
So she says we could count on your vote then for immigration reform.
Oh, good for her.
This 13-year-old kid.
And he said...
So he won't even answer her question.
He won't say yes or no.
He just obfuscates and goes around.
So then this other girl tells her story.
And here's how he ends it.
Yeah, I wasn't separated from my dad for longer than a couple of months, but she says that, you know, I was only separated from my dad for a couple of months, but it was still horrible.
Many kids don't get that.
They miss out on years with their parents, years with family.
And imagine, well, you know, you said you were a father.
Imagine missing out, you know, your kids' football game.
So she says, you said you were a father.
Imagine missing out on your kids' soccer games or football games.
And then he turns to her again, not turning around, just his head over his shoulder to her.
And he says, He says, I understand.
I understand.
That's what he says.
I understand.
And then he goes right back to eating.
And now he's pouring salt on to whatever he's eating.
He is salting the hell.
I mean, he's really shaking a lot of salt on him.
He's eating crow.
Yeah, so here he goes.
He said, whatever was in your power, she said, we hope you can do whatever was in your power to move this bill forward.
He's still shaking salt.
I agree with you.
He goes, I agree with you.
I agree with you that you hope that I also hope that I do everything in my power to move this thing forward.
I think he's shaking salt on because he's hoping to have a stroke and get out of this.
So yeah, I can tell how committed he is to easing their pain by almost turning around to talk to them.
And of course he didn't stop eating when there was two 13-year-old girls there telling him about the horror of living with the threat of never seeing their parents again.
But because he didn't say anything about, he didn't want them to feel self-conscious about it.
You know, that's why he didn't turn around.
He didn't want them to feel self-conscious, especially since he doesn't even have a conscience.
So he immediately left that.
So he immediately has that meeting with them at the breakfast thing.
And later that day, his first public appearance after that, after he said, I'm going to try to find a getaway done.
I've been saying this ever since the election.
Got to find, got to get this done.
I'm with you.
I agree with you.
So this is the same day.
Same day.
He comes out and says this.
Same day.
Same day.
The idea that we're going to take up a 1,300-page bill that no one had ever read, which is what the Senate did, is not going to happen in the House.
And frankly, I'll make clear, we have no intention of ever going to conference on the Senate bill.
So there you go.
So there you go.
You know, but Jimmy, you're being unfair.
Perhaps between the time he had breakfast and he made that announcement, he had done everything in his power to get the bill passed, and it turned out it just couldn't be done.
I like how he points.
Firstly, and I don't have that clip, but he ends that clip with saying, I want us to deal with the issue, but I want to deal with it in a common sense, step-by-step way.
That's how he ends that clip.
I don't have it.
So basically, you could kiss immigration reform goodbye for another year.
And I like the way he points out it's a super long bill, right?
They love to do, like, if they want to poo-poo a bill, they either say how short it is, that it's a comic book, or it's too long.
So there's never a good length of a bill.
Not readers.
So here, let's hear it.
Yeah, here's what he said.
Here's what he says.
Yeah, we're going to take up a 1,300-page bill that no one had ever read, which is what the Senate did.
So, yeah, it's one of those Republican tricks where they point to a bill and say, holy cow, can you believe those a-holes with their detail-orientated approach?
They act like it's my job to read this sh ⁇ or something, or that I have a highly trained staff paid to read this stuff.
And no pictures.
Yeah, no, tell you what, keep your pants on, eggheads.
Okay.
Jeff Sessions of Alabama, who was a judge, I believe, maybe even the Alabama Attorney General.
I might be wrong about that, but I don't care.
Maybe it was the Patriot Act, whatever bill we had that continued to suspend habeas corpus.
Sure.
And he was like, I'm not going to read it, and I don't want to read it.
I haven't read it, and I'm not going to read it.
Wow.
Like, you know, again, like it was proud.
Wow.
Yeah, it's a...
You totally reform immigration in the United States.
1,300 pages doesn't seem like that long.
Doesn't seem like it's.
It's like a couple of Michael Connolly novels.
Let's remember that TARP was a three-page bill.
Okay.
TARP was a three-page bill.
Remember, maybe brevity isn't a virtue in legislating.
Remember what Herman Kent, didn't Herman Kane say that every bill would be nine pages?
Three-page bill.
Was it three?
Yeah.
Three-page bill.
That's it.
Every bill.
You couldn't do it in three pages.
That couldn't do it.
Three-page bill.
Like Bill Herman candidated right up the side, you know.
And note what Boehner also said, he basically said, the Senate didn't even read this bill, those A-holes.
So you're upset it's so long.
You're not going to even, and you're saying they didn't read it.
Have you read it?
But the Senate read that bill exactly the same amount they read every bill, which isn't very much.
But still, it's not like the House is filled with studious bibliophiles either.
Okay.
Nobody's reading these bills.
They have staff that reads them.
They know basically what's in them.
So that's just all BS talking points, misdirection.
And when he throws in the common sense, step-by-step piece of BS, here's what he actually means when he says that.
It's likely that the House will begin a long, very long process of passing small, discreet immigration bills, which address pieces of the immigration bill instead of passing the entire bill at once, which will likely doom many of the provisions of the current bill, which displease the Tea Party.
And it will likely doom other provisions that the Senate or the president will kill because they are totally unfair with the rest of the bill.
Okay.
So that's what's happening.
He's going to do it piece by piece, meaning we're going to kill this.
We're not going to have any immigration drag it out.
We're dragging this out.
And that's exactly what he's going to do.
They're going to look busy for a year is what it's going to come down to.
Yeah.
They're not.
They're not.
So they're not.
So there's your immigration.
The Republicans learn nothing from it.
Those two guys in the Senate who work their hardest.
Carter and Johnson.
Yes.
They spent a couple of years coming up with this thing.
And he just totally just sticks it right in.
Go screw yourself.
So I'm on the line with John Boehner.
Speaker Boehner, I wanted to talk to you about the videotape that went viral of you eating at a lunch counter or at a counter in a diner and two little 13-year-old Mexican girls coming up to you asking you to pass pleading to your sense of being a father asking you to pass immigration reform.
How did I come off?
That's where it discussed to me.
Well, I did notice you barely turned around and talked to those little girls.
Yeah, you'd be the little Mexican girls who accosted me during my breakfast?
Yeah, those are the ones.
Listen, Jack, don't come at me about immigration when I'm working on a London broil.
I thought you said it was breakfast.
What's your point?
My point is, you said you wanted to pass immigration reform to those girls.
You said that you, but we know you really aren't going to try.
Look, immigration reformers are the new third rail of politics.
The base, the Tea Party.
And like immigrants, I would rather pretend that not dealing with the problem is the same as dealing with it.
So rather than pass a bill that fixes the problem of the 11 million undocumented people living and working in the United States, they think ignoring it will make it go away?
No, they know ignoring it won't make it go away.
So then why do they want you to ignore it?
Don't they know we need those workers here?
Yes, they know that, and that is precisely why they want to keep things exactly like they are.
I don't follow.
They know we need the exploited labor of our friends from the South, but they hate them because they're Mexicans.
They want them to stay here and work for low wages, but not give them any rights and treat them as subhuman.
Why do they want to do that?
Because it makes them feel better to have someone to shit on and scapegoat.
What about this?
Don't you get, you idiot?
Wow.
Wow is right.
You always got to have an underclass.
You already have always got to have someone to shit on.
Yes.
Without Mexicans, who's it going to be?
The Chinese are done building the railroads.
I don't know who else is going to.
Who's the new crop?
It's just their turn, baby.
They want to come over here.
They're falling right into a trap that's been dug for them 300 years ago.
Indians, blacks, Japanese, Chinamen.
We don't care what you are.
Your turn, Mexicans.
When my people came here, we suffered similar problems.
We overcame them.
All immigrants do.
Who are your people?
It's Germans and Irish.
Where did you come from?
New Jersey.
When my family immigrated from New Jersey to Ohio, we suffered untold indignities.
We overcame them because we're white.
Okay, Speaker.
I appreciate you taking time out.
Thank you very much.
I'm out from what?
I don't do shit.
All right, that's Speaker Bader.
This is Blast from the Past is from our greatest hits.
Our first work.
We have another one coming out in just a few weeks, but it's the greatest hits from the first couple years of the Jimmy Doer show.
And here's the first time Rip Torn ever called in.
Jimmy Door, this is Rip Torn.
Hey, Sweeney.
You're looking good these days.
I've got you, buddy.
An award-winning comedy special.
A Budfiles show in Los Angeles.
A podcast.
And your very own program on KPFK.
That's how you do it, son.
You go out and show the world your hard dick.
And a good look so they know what they're dealing with.
You're the tops, Chief.
I've always said it.
But a word of advice for your show.
Easy on the politics.
I'm not saying get rid of it altogether, but just add a little fluff on the side.
Entertainment news.
It's what the people want, Jim Jam.
After all, you don't live in Washington, D.C., you live in Hollywood, CA, surrounded by a constellation of the brightest stars in the fucking world.
Not 10 miles from where you sit, Lindsay Lohan brought cupcakes to a morgue because she was late for her court-ordered probation work.
What are we talking about on the Jimmy Door show today?
Bless Steagel or some bullhonky that no one gives a rat's ass about.
The real crime out there has nothing to do with unions or banks or pensions.
It's that famous people now get in trouble for stuff they do when they're drunk.
How did we get here?
It didn't used to be that way.
One time in 1965, Larry Storch and I spent all day drinking at the bar at the Roosevelt Hotel, decided to hijack a liquor truck with sawed-off shotguns, drove it through the front lobby of a funeral home, and somehow ended up at Norman Mailer's house, where we drugged him and his wife and sodomized them with lawn darkness.
And you know what happened to us?
Not a goddamn thing.
No jail, no probation, no court-ordered rehab, just the respect and accolades of our peers.
It should be.
But nowadays, I can't even doubt a fifth of shivas and weave my Lincoln through oncoming traffic without getting busted by the fuzz, subjected to some Nuremberg trial.
Let alone act like I used to in restaurants, i.e., throw salad plates at Chinamen while getting a hand job under the table from the lovely and talented Miss Mary Lou Henner.
It's unjust, Jimmy.
We need a spokesperson for the revolution.
You're just the man for the job.
Think about it, baby Skittles.
Call me back.
All right.
That's Ripped Horn.
It's the original Ripped Torn.
You can get that available on the first best of CD from the Jimmy Door show called White People Getting Nervous.
White People Getting Nervous.
It's available at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Go over there.
Guess what?
I got a phone call from Mitt Romney of all people.
Mitt called it.
Because you know what?
It was the anniversary of the year since he lost.
And so he called.
He gave me a little call.
Give me a little phone call.
Jimmy.
It is I, Mitt Romney.
The Mitster.
Benjamin Mitten Yahoo.
A cat named Mittens.
And so on.
Well, it has been almost exactly a year since I didn't become president.
Wow.
What a long, strange trip it's been, huh?
Wow.
It's been a year of reinventing myself, my friend.
Like Madonna with like a prayer back in 89.
Or when Miley Cyrus rubbed her backward snizz against the homosexuals junk on national television.
Good times, man.
The first reinvention of Mitt Romney was guy who was not going to be president.
It was a dark period, sir.
And I express it by poking out the eyes of every one of Ann's horses.
Sure, the play Equest was about that.
But I actually did it.
Then for a while, Mitt Romney was guy who watches porn In the basement with a gun.
I would just sit there wearing nothing but the magic garment and watch women debase themselves.
I'll tell you, you start developing some weird fetishes pretty early.
By the end, there, I was commissioning movies just for me in which prairie girls shit in the mouth of Joseph Smith.
But then, Jimmy, something crazy happened.
One of those pretend Christian universities gave me an honorary doctorate.
And it got me thinking.
So now I have emerged from the chrysalis like a thing that has a chrysalis.
I am no longer Mitt Romney, handsome presidential candidate.
That man is dead.
And in his place comes Dr. Fistula, church villain.
With my army of Mormon clones, I will do crazy evil things for my secret volcano lair and gated community.
They tell me the lair should be done early next month, but you know how these Mexicans are.
So we're currently kicking around two ideas.
First, a weather machine.
Although, honestly, global warming seems to have gotten ahead of us on that one.
Second, I was thinking about getting heavily the credit default swaps.
I don't know.
We're looking at all kinds of ideas here.
Well, Jimo, that's what I've been up to.
How about you?
How's Steph?
Are you still going and fucking yourself like I suggested?
Tell you what.
You give me a ring and we'll go get a Nosh.
And then you can take a load for my fat one, you fucking size queen.
Wow.
The Mitster.
Wow.
Mitt Romney.
I didn't know he knew my name.
Did you guys see the story about the Salt Lake Tribune did about Mitt Romney's new house?
No.
This is the beginning of how the story begins.
The front door of Mitt Romney's soon-to-be-constructed holiday house.
I guess that's the place where it is, opens to a massive living room.
And to your left around the fireplace lies a study.
If you look closely at the bookshelves there, you find something interesting.
A secret door.
What?
The second bookshelf from the far wall is really a door that swivels out to reveal a hidden room.
What the hell?
Yeah, I mean, the secret lair is not that far.
He's got a secret room.
Yeah.
Wow.
Oh my God.
Well, you know, my plan has always been to have a secret room somewhere in my house.
I just don't have the money yet.
I can't.
I got to get a couple of more unsecret rooms.
It's not secret anymore, though.
Why would you give away a secret?
No, it's not a secret.
Yeah, that's this weird thing.
The Salt Lake, these guys did good stuff.
The Salt Lake Tribune looked at the, they got a hold of the architectural diagrams.
You're kidding.
Yeah, secret room.
Can you?
He ruined the secret room now.
It's really wow.
I hope those newspaper guys are happy.
Mitt can't go into a secret room without people knowing.
Mitt can't kidnap children and put them in his secret room.
It's 11 feet long.
It's lined with cabinets.
The hidden door, as it's labeled on the documents, is masked as a bookshelf and swings into the study.
What if you open it by like, you know, taking one of the books out?
It's got to be through.
Take out the Book of Mormon.
Just like honesty, those are actually kind of in vogue having a secret.
Like if you're wealthy, to have a bookcase that opens into a secret, it's kind of like a.
Is that right?
Well, sure.
Who wouldn't think that was cool?
Ben, you don't have one?
I don't have one.
You are the host of Turner Classic Movie.
Yeah, I bought a house in Santa Monica.
I live in a Hobbit home.
Turns out Ted Cruz was right.
We all going to move to Hobbit Hill.
I have a secret apartment.
There it goes there.
I live in the secret room of somebody else.
It's the Anne Frank annex.
Yeah.
Ha ha ha ha.
Thank you.
God bless the Mitster, huh?
Gosh, I missed the Mitster on the show.
Nice to have him back.
Hey, guess what's coming up on the premium content this week?
Lots of stuff.
We're going to get to that Cokie Roberts.
Doesn't know anything about Twitter, but that doesn't stop her from pontificating on it on the ABC.
Plus, the Pope Too Liberal for Sarah Palin.
We get to that.
And we take a look at the Democrats' response to the radical gerrymandering that took place in 2010.
And oh, guess what?
Ted Cruz, we have a little phone call with Ted Cruz.
Listen, Senator, I wanted to ask you how things have been with you since the shutdown.
Two words, Jimmy.
Fucking great.
What?
There's more show that we didn't get to?
Yes.
And how do I get that?
I'll tell you how you get that.
You go to JimmyDoorComedy.com, you click on premium, you make a $5 donation, and you get access to the premium content.
$5 a month is all it costs.
Isn't that nice?
Or it's $60 a year.
It helps support the show.
But if you pay for the whole year at once, it saves you five bucks.
It's $55, huh?
That's a nice donation.
Gets you a shit ton, I think is what we're going to be calling it, a shit ton of premium content that goes all the way back to last March.
So that's a lot of stuff, okay?
So thanks, everybody, who's already taking advantage.
And when I say take advantage, it sounds nice, right?
Hey, thanks for taking advantage of the premium content.
Thanks for doing that, though.
And it's $5 a month.
That's nothing.
It's like the price of, you know what it is.
Okay, so thanks, everybody who's taking advantage of that.
Also, we're doing a special promotion.
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You send those gigantic strawberries from Sherry's Berries.
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And I love chocolate, but it all tastes fantastic.
And these are the biggest strawberries ever.
And it helps support the show.
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So if you want to send somebody a gift and impress them or send somebody a thank you, you go to berries.com, B-E-R-R-I-E-S dot com.
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Yes.
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So thanks for your support.
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Don't forget, on the 30th of September, we'll see you at the improv doing the big stand-up show here in Hollywood.
Next Friday, the 22nd, we mentioned it at the top of the show.
We're doing a funny essay show.
Comedy and everything else is producing a show live at the fake gallery.
It's called Holiday Sucks.
They're funny essays by some of our favorite comedians talking about how much they hate the holidays.
Who's on that show?
I'll be on that show.
Steph will be on that show.
My friend Tony Kameen from the marijuana logs will be there.
Laura Keitlinger from SNL, Saturday Night Live will be there.
And we'll have Steve Rosenfield will be reading some rants.
Robert Yasamura will do a rent.
There'll be a lot of funny, fun people.
It's a great time.
Next Friday, the 22nd of November, 8 p.m., $5 donation at the door at the Fake Gallery, 4319 Melrose.
That's at Melrose and Heliotrope In Los Angeles, and that's next Friday.
So we'll see you there, huh?
That's right.
This show was written.
That's right.
This show was written by Mike McRae, Frank Conniff, Steve Rosenfield, Robert Yasamura, Steph Zamorano, and Mark Van Land Dewitt.
Okay, and all the voices, of course, performed this week by Mike McRae, who can be found at MikeMcRae.com.
Okay, that's it for this week.
Thanks for listening.
We'll see you on the premium content.
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