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Nov. 23, 2013 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program, the Jimmy Dore Show.
This week marks the 50th anniversary of the assassination of President Kennedy.
When I think of the assassination, I always wonder first who did it.
Then, why does the media go so easy on the Secret Service agents who are supposed to be protecting Kennedy?
Clearly, they botched it.
You only have one job as a Secret Service agent, besides catching counterfeiters.
Your job is to prevent the president from being assassinated.
Either you succeed at it or you don't.
If you're guarding the president and his head explodes, you've failed.
But perhaps because that failure was so huge, nobody criticizes them.
They just get credit for the great job they did saving Jackie and Mrs. Connolly.
When Johnson became president, I doubt he wanted those agents anywhere near him, but none of them ever got fired.
In fact, I'm sure they all just went back to work on Monday.
So it had to be creepy hanging around the break room.
So one of the agents probably broke the tension by asking what people were doing for Thanksgiving.
Of course, changing jobs back then might have been even more difficult for the Secret Service agents.
You'd have to leave 1963 completely off your resume.
What would you say in a job interview when asked what your greatest weakness was?
Well, sometimes I let a problem get worse because I wait for somebody else to take care of it.
And then the president's brains go flying over the back of the limousine.
People often compare September 11th to November 22nd and with good reason.
Nobody knows how that happened either, and nobody lost their job.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
Up-minded, lowly-livered lefties.
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you guys.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore!
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's show.
I'm joined in the studio, to my right, our resident Latina and the host of Comedy and Everything Else, which has a big show tonight at the fake gallery, Melrose and Heliotrope in Los Angeles.
It's Steph Zemarano.
Hi, Steph.
How are you?
Hello, Jimmy Dore.
We look forward to seeing everybody tonight at the fake gallery.
It's going to be great, Chal.
Okay, 4319 Melrose Avenue.
We'll see you there.
8 p.m.
If you hate Holly, it's called Holidays Suck.
We're doing essays on how much the holidays suck.
Come check it out tonight.
There's a link.
You can go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
Yeah, see, we're just taking money at the door.
No pre-sales.
Very affordable.
And by affordable, I mean the most affordable show you've ever been to.
A hilarious comedian, former writer for the Daily Show.
It's Steve Rosenfield.
Hey, Steve, how are you?
Good, Jimmy.
Hello.
How's your migraine?
It's setting in now.
We'll see how bad it gets.
All right, we'll see.
We got some Viking in them.
Across from him, the host, the hilarious host of Turter Classic Movies.
What is the, what's your show?
It's called?
It's called What the Flick?
The Young Turks.
That's right, yeah.
We reviewed six movies today.
Really?
Seven movies today.
Yeah, you're going to get together.
All right.
Get ready for the holidays.
Theyoungturks.com.
So that's Ben Mankowitz.
Hey, Ben, how are you?
James.
Nice to see you.
And on the phone, all the way from New York City and Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's TV's Frank, Frank Conniff.
Hi, Frank.
Hello there.
Yay.
Hey, Jimmy.
You know, I have to say, exciting to be on the radio with Ben Mankowicz.
I was just watching Ben on Turter Classic Movies posting an evening of Kennedy assassination documentary.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It makes total sense that that would be on Turter Classic Movies, because let's face it, that was one of the classic assassins.
That was an old school assassination, black and white, you know.
Just one of the classics.
You're not like that crappy McKinley assassination.
Oh, you know what?
I saw the McKinney.
Yeah, I saw that.
I went back and I was up late and I saw the McKinley assassination again.
It doesn't hold up.
No, it totally doesn't.
It doesn't hold up.
charcoal sketches.
Hey, I don't know if you guys are familiar with Richard Cohen at the Washington Post and all the horrible stuff he's written, but his last...
Richard Cohen.
Richard Cohen.
I don't know if you saw his last column saying that the conventional view is that if you see a black and white couple, it's turned your stomach.
That was what Richard Cohen said.
He says that's the conventional view.
It invokes the gag reflex.
The gag, yes.
It invokes the gag reflex.
And conventional people in America.
And let me just say, that column was so racist, it was like reading a Richard Cohen Washington Post column.
Hey, wait a minute.
It's come on.
Hey, by the way, George Zimmerman back in the news.
And before we cast judgment, I say we don't judge George Zimmerman until you walk a mile in his shoes, shoot an unarmed black kid, and then beat the crap out of your pregnant girlfriend.
And only then, and only then, can you judge him?
Hey, George Zimmerwood's, he's arrested for domestic violence again.
Why does this guy think he can get away with myrrh?
Oh, son of a...
Wait a minute.
Hey, let me just say this, apropos of nothing.
Yes, the greatest generation did stop the spread of fascism, but they also embraced and supported the career of Red Skelton.
So let's keep that in mind.
It's unforgivable.
Yes, the GOP, they're still upset about Obamacare, and their new thing is they want folks with health care to be able to keep their plan and let the folks without health care continue to go fuck themselves.
It's a new plan for them.
That's their new plan.
Hey, you know what?
I know we're getting into the Christmas season, but Christmas songs on retail store sound systems, to me, they're like predator drone strikes of depression.
I like that joke.
That's another good joke.
All right.
What's coming up on today's show?
We're going to talk about police brutality in New Mexico and other places.
It turns out to be literally a pain in the ass.
We're also going to talk about George Zimmerman and the way it was covered on Fox and Rob Ford.
We've avoided that topic.
We're going to actually talk about it today.
And let's see what else.
Oh, we have a cocaine-sniffing congressman, and he's a victim.
We got phone calls today from the Pope, Rick Torn, Hollywood drunk tank, Bill O'Reilly, and a lot lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
The Jimmy Dore Show Today I want to focus a little bit on police brutality because it seems to be coming up more and more and more often as people get more comfortable with the police state that we're living in.
Because this is a police state.
It started with the drug war, war, quote-unquote, the drug war, which was started, I'm pretty sure, by Nixon and then was super ramped up by Reagan, and they've kept it going ever since.
And so now, and so now cops, just like with Waco, instead of going to David Koresh's house and knocking on the door or waiting for him to go to the 7-Eleven in town and then kicking him in for questioning, they just show up with tanks and guns and jack boots and, you know, because that's what, you know, when you give them that kind of equipment, they want to use it.
That's, it turns out.
Yeah, I don't know what the jack boots are, but okay.
I mean, I think jack boots are boots.
Well, you know, you know how when you see cops like dressed out.
Oh, those are great.
A little salsa.
I'm just going to, I'm going to run down a couple of police brutalities real quick, and then we're going to get to the big one.
This is from Des Moines, Iowa.
A father is a James Comstruck called the police on his son Tyler after his son took his truck in retaliation for refusing to buy him cigarettes.
This story is the worst story I've maybe ever heard in my life.
So Ames police officer Adam McPherson spotted the lawn care company vehicle and pursued it onto the Iowa State University campus, where a brief standoff ensued after Tyler allegedly refused orders to turn off the engine on the truck.
McPherson eventually ended up firing six shots into the truck.
An unarmed kid!
What?
An unarmed kid.
Unarmed.
Yeah, it's, I mean, and the father calling, and then his kid ends up dead.
It's the worst story ever.
Shoots six shots into the truck.
So he empties his gun in an unarmed kid.
Unarmed.
Yeah.
And like, you know, all this stuff, again, like, I don't know.
And I want to get a cop in here who will explain this.
And like, why can't you shoot the tires?
Well, why?
Why can't you do that?
What's the danger of that?
Like, what's why do you, if you decide you have to shoot, and I don't even know, you know, I don't know everything about the story.
I read it.
I saw the video.
You know, I don't know why he felt he had to shoot, but if he did, and you're worried about them driving using the car as a weapon, A, move out of the way.
B, shoot the tires.
Shoot the tires.
Why do you have to shoot into the car six times and kill somebody without a weapon?
The official report claims the action was necessary in order to, quote, stop the ongoing threat to the public and the officers.
Tyler's dad said he was unarmed at the time.
So he didn't shut the damn truck off.
So let's fire six rounds at him, his step-grandfather said.
We're confused and we don't understand.
The worst.
Did they ask him to turn the motor off?
Yes, they did.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure they did.
He was a smart kid.
He made his own computers and he was interested in IT.
So there you go.
The family's demands for answers got even louder following the revelation that a member of the Ames Police Department suggested twice that officers call off the chase.
Yeah, you can hear in the call between the officer and the dispatch when they say, well, he's gone onto the campus of Iowa State in Ames.
The dispatcher's like, okay, very casually.
He's like, all right, well, then maybe we just want to let this one go and we'll get him later.
Yeah.
Like, stop chasing him if he's on a college campus.
He's probably going to hit someone, so let's not chase him.
And he's the cop twice just ignored that and kept going after him.
Yes.
Maybe it's just the overall urban crime atmosphere of Ames, Iowa.
Ames, Iowa.
There's a guy who won't turn his truck off, so I'm going to shoot him.
So this is the police state where we're living.
Okay, here's another one.
And this is how they're treating a white person.
This is a white guy.
A 13-year-old California boy carrying a replica of an assault rifle was shot and killed by sheriff's deputies who apparently believed the gun was real.
It was a pellet gun.
Sheriff's department said the deputies involved had been patrolling the Santa Rosa about 55 miles north of San Francisco on Tuesday afternoon when they saw someone who appeared to be holding an assault weapon.
So the cops just roll up and there's a kid with a toy gun in his neighborhood where he always plays with his toy guns.
And they pull up.
The two deputies.
How old is the kid?
13.
The two deputies repeatedly ordered the subject to drop the rifle and at some point immediately thereafter, the deputies fired several rounds from their handguns at the subject, striking him several times, the department said.
The subject fell to the ground and landed on top of the rifle he was carrying.
After securing the area, the deputies realized that the weapon was a replica.
They also found a plastic handgun.
By the way, they cuffed him after they shot the 13-year-old.
Who sells a pellet gun?
Why does a pellet gun have to look exactly like a regular gun?
Why do cops shoot first and ask questions later?
Do you know how long it took from the time they called this in to the time they shot him?
It's going to be eight seconds.
Oh, Jesus.
How many they repeatedly tell him to drop in?
He's a 13-year-old kid.
You shoot him before he even turns around.
I think I also read that this was an area where kids typically do play like paint guns.
This is where they always, yes.
This is an area that these kids hang out and do this.
Yes.
Look, I'm with you 100%.
I couldn't, in good conscience, though, excuse the people who manufacture guns for children that look exactly like regular guns.
After I'd read one of these stories, I'd be like, well, never again, because you know the kids are going to go out and play it because they're 13.
That's what kids do.
Let's say he had a real gun.
Make it orange.
You still don't kill him.
Yeah, even if he has a real gun.
You shoot him in the leg.
You kind of wait for him to shoot first, don't you?
Wait for him to point it at you.
He was turning around and they shot him.
So here's another, we'll go next.
Here's our next police brutality.
What began as a simple traffic stop in New Mexico.
You want to hear what happened?
This is a true story.
David Eckert was leaving the local Walmart in Deming, New Mexico.
He reportedly failed to make a complete stop at a stop sign.
Cops pull him over.
Cops are pretty sure he's got drugs in his ass.
That's what the cops said because he was clenching his butt cheeks.
That's what they said.
They could tell he was clenching his butt cheeks from the front seat of his car.
The man appeared to be clenching his buttocks.
What does that even look like?
I wouldn't know what that, how to tell if someone were, who knows how to tell if someone's clenching their buttocks when you're looking at them in the, through the.
Which you can't see because he's seated.
It says it's unclear why the police removed him from the vehicle in the first place.
Oh, so only after they removed him did it appear he was clenching his buttocks.
You run a stop sign, you got to get out of the car?
Right.
He has the intent to clench his buttocks.
So they detain him after a narcotic sniffing dog allegedly issued a hit On Eckert's car seat.
This is going to end with nothing in the car, isn't it?
Meanwhile, they sought, they called the judge to get a search warrant to search his anal cavity.
Okay, turns out that drug dog is bogus, not certified, dog bogus.
Are you kidding me?
No, I'm not kidding.
So the drug dog was like my dog, Bob.
So the drug dog, you're supposed to get certified every year.
That drug dog hasn't been certified for two years.
All right.
Upon securing the warrant, they got a warrant.
They got a warrant to see.
The guy pulled him over for a stop.
So they take him to the emergency room.
They're getting a warrant to search.
A guy's anal cavity.
But they hit their first snag at the hospital when a doctor, who was a normal human being, refused to perform the anal cavity search because he believed it was unethical and he's a normal human being.
He was on to something.
So police tried again.
They went to another hospital, the Gila Regional Medical Center in Silver City, New Mexico, where the doctors agreed to do the anal cavity search.
They're known for their anal cavity searches there.
Yeah, it's the leading west of the Mississippi.
The country's most special about it.
Yeah.
So why did they search the cops for the bugs they had up there at?
No kidding, right?
So here, I'll just list down what happened.
Eckards, his abdominal area was x-rayed.
No narcotics were found.
Doctors then performed an exam on Eckert's anus with their fingers.
No narcotics were found.
Doctors performed a second exam on Eckert's anus with their fingers.
No narcotics were found.
Doctors then penetrated his anus to insert an enema.
Ecker was forced to defecate in front of doctors and police officers.
Eckert.
The weird thing is that these were dead today.
Eckert watched as doctors searched his stool and no narcotics were found.
Doctors penetrated his anus to insert an enema a second time and he was then forced to defecate again in front of doctors.
Again, he was forced to watch his doctor search his stool.
No narcotics were found again.
Doctors then penetrated his enema, his anus a third time.
You're kidding me!
Ema!
To insert an enema.
He was forced to defecate in front of police officers again.
He was forced to watch them look at his stool.
No narcotics were found.
You think it's over?
Not over.
They then x-rayed him again.
No narcotics were found.
They then prepared Eckert for surgery.
No, come on.
There's no doctor in the country who's going to perform surgery on this guy.
They sedated him, and then they performed a colonoscopy where a scope and a camera were inserted in Eckert's anus, colon, and large intestines.
And guess what?
No narcotics were found.
It wouldn't matter at that point.
I don't know what's more disturbing, this story or the fact that it's giving me an erection.
After he was being detained and probed, Eckert never gave doctors his consent to perform the procedures and protested his treatment every time.
Yeah, that's a crime.
They've committed a crime.
All of these procedures arose from a traffic violation.
All right, full and complete stop.
The entire ordeal lasted roughly 12 hours.
And no lawyer.
No lawyer present.
So somehow, like, this is okay because they got a warrant from a judge.
This guy doesn't get a lawyer?
I guess not.
He's being held in custody.
He deserves a lawyer.
Man, he is going to put those.
I want to put that hospital and that police department out of business.
If he's in New Mexico, didn't he see the better call saw sign?
Yeah, totally.
There you go.
First two enemas, sure.
Yeah.
Three maybe.
Three, maybe.
The fourth enema just wasn't cool.
And now after all that, like, they don't write.
They don't call.
It's like, it never happened.
So this is, so I have one more.
I'm going to play a video.
So this just happened in New Mexico.
And I'll let there's a lady was driving with her five kids in a minivan through New Mexico.
I saw this.
It's amazing.
And here we here we go.
Here we go.
Here we go.
71 back there at 55, okay?
Oriana Farrell and a state police officer are arguing over a ticket just south of Taos.
I'll be right back.
Go ahead and turn the vehicle off for me.
But as the cop walks off, Farrell does the opposite, pulling away instead.
So he pulls her over again.
The officer isn't too happy.
Get out of the vehicle.
Get out of the vehicle right now.
You can see the officer try to pull Farrell out while the five kids inside scream.
So this cop, there's literally five little kids.
They weren't all little.
One of them's 14.
That's right.
Yeah.
But the rest of them are little kids.
14's still little?
Yeah, he doesn't look little.
So this cop decides the way to handle this situation is to start manhandling their mother and screaming at the top of his lungs, scaring the out of everybody in the van.
Well, she was doing 71 and 55, which is like, I mean, Jesus, get ready for NASCAR.
So this is...
So let's hear it goes on.
Her 14-year-old son gets out, but thinks again when the officer pulls his taser.
The struggle continues.
You're already paying me baby charges right now.
You ran away from me, okay?
I'm not trying to do anything wrong.
I'm just trying to take him to reality.
Finally, Farrell agrees to get out and talk, but the conversation doesn't last long.
Turn around and face your vehicle.
So he's got her in back of the van.
He says, turn around and face your vehicle, meaning he's going to arrest her.
And she's got five kids in her van, and she doesn't want to be arrested for speeding.
It's going 71.
So she resists and she gets back in her van.
And he follows her and starts to abuse, like, you know, physically assault her.
So let's, here we go.
Farrell and the cops struggle as she tries to get back into the van.
While that happens, the 14-year-old gets out again.
And this time, he rushes the officer trying to defend his mom.
So then, so you're a 14-year-old kid.
There's some white cop who's now beating the crap out of your mother.
What do you do?
Sit there and just go, it's okay.
Well, I'll have to let this guy beat my mother up.
This family was black.
Yes, by the way, yeah.
I have to let this cop beat my mother up.
Of course, you're going to do something.
Of course.
This is the way this cop diffuses this situation.
Hey, I'll finish this.
Let's finish the video.
Let's finish the video.
After a short tussle, the boy runs back into the minivan.
The officer tries to get him out while backup arrives.
So now backup has arrived.
Everyone's back in the van.
All the doors are locked.
So the cop takes out his billy club and starts whacking the side window of the van.
Five kids inside.
Five kids and five little kids.
Smashes the window, doesn't it?
Here it comes.
Open the door.
Open the door.
Yeah.
Because that's the way.
That's how we should handle it.
We've got three little five little kids inside.
Let's start breaking the glass window with our nightstick because that's the only way we could handle this.
There's no other way to handle this whatsoever, except the most violent, crazy, over-the-top way possible.
Here we go.
There's a little bit more.
Farrell starts to drive off while another officer fires at the minivan full of kids as young as six.
Farrell then takes them on him.
So there you go.
So then, so then she starts pulling away.
The cop starts shooting at her car.
Obviously, speeding in New Mexico is punishable by random gunfire.
Right?
Yeah, I mean, this is the classic example of bad cop worst cop that's exactly what this is so literally start shooting at the car five kids no one's got a gun and I didn't say there's nowhere on the video where you you were hoping that one of the cops when the guy started shooting would at least be like no you have a female right yeah none of them none of them did that they all let the guy keep shooting he's shooting at a minivan you tell me why that family got right back in their vehicle and drove away from that man in the first place once the
The shooting starts, right.
I mean, then you just don't pull over under any circumstances.
Like you find the FBI office at least.
Get to the feds because they're great.
And the weird thing was that's New Mexico, so the cops were all given medals afterwards for not killing anyone.
Job well done.
You know, to be fair, you don't know how many women that police officer has to rough up every day.
Man, it's not easy.
And then they arrested the kid.
They arrested her son for defending her.
Can you imagine that?
She's got like a three-or four-year-old girl in that van.
And the guy, there's cops breaking windows, beating the crap, shooting at you.
Shooting, literally shooting at you.
I think it, well, whatever.
I think it should be said that, like, her initial decision to drive off when he went back to the car was a really bad one.
Yeah, that doesn't mean cops get to shoot you.
100%.
100%.
And, of course, they felt like you, you know, you disrespected us.
That's what this is all about.
It's all power.
Ben, this is what this is all about.
Right.
So this isn't about, so there's not one action that those cops took was designed to diffuse the situation.
Not one action that they took was designed to calm things down and de-escalate.
So I always thought that when cops went to training, that they trained them to de-escalate violent situations.
But that's not what they do anymore.
At the first sign of any kind of confrontations, cops.
If it's a homeless guy or someone with a mental illness or an Occupy Wall Street veteran, they don't care who it is.
If you disrespect their authority, you're going to get your head cracked open.
And that's the police state we're living in in America right now.
If you are also going to profile, if we decide that this is a case of profiling and people defend that there wasn't racial with the profiling, that woman, if you see that video, and you can obviously find that video online, that woman couldn't – she's driving a minivan.
She's not going to disappear.
And she also couldn't be more put together.
She's wearing nice clothes and she thought about her outfit and there's nothing – nothing about her would scream dangerous to anybody on the planet unless you thought that because she's black, she's dangerous.
It wasn't – they didn't think – It's New Mexico.
And they didn't think – I keep forgetting.
But they didn't think she was dangerous.
This was all about them.
You will respect my authority.
And he – Who do you think you are driving a – who do you – what do you think – I'm going to start shooting at you.
I'll beat you in front of your kids.
I'll taser your kid.
I'll break the window on your minivan on your three-year-old's face.
I'll do all this stuff over a speeding ticket.
And he was already fully aware of who was in that car.
He knew what was in there.
He knew what was happening.
And when they were firing the shots, they knew there were kids in that minivan.
Yes.
Well, that car – I'm going to presume that the cop who showed up and started shooting.
He didn't know that the kids were in the minivan because he came in late.
The flip side was he was a cop who got to a situation without knowing what was going on and just started shooting.
Started shooting.
Either he knew the kids were there or he gets to a situation and four seconds later, ah, she's driving around.
I'm going to unload my revolver.
I mean, either way, that guy gets fired tomorrow.
That's the end of that.
And this is on the heels of the New Mexico anal probe.
Yeah, out of all of this, it's like the anal probers are the civilized ones.
Yes.
All of a sudden.
The other one.
And the guys who were doing the anal probe, like when they were making that guy defecate in front of people.
And then there wasn't even any toilet paper, so they just let him wipe his ass with the Constitution.
Which was handy.
Jimmy Dores, Phil O'Reilly.
I'm calling you because I'm outraged over Alec Baldwin getting suspended for two weeks from his MSNBC show over a supposed gay slur.
I don't get what all the fuss is about.
Okay, so we call the photographer a cock-sucking fag.
A fag does not necessarily mean gay.
It just means someone you don't like.
It doesn't matter why.
Fag is just the word you use to express disapproval because, let's face it, straight or gay, nobody wants to be called a fag.
They just don't.
I believe in my heart that Alec Baldwin did not intend to hurt or offend anyone.
Just that cock-sucking fag who pointed that camera at me.
Sure, Alec and I have our differences politically, but in many ways we're kindred spirits.
For example, sometimes we don't like homos.
I said sometimes.
Let's get real about this, okay?
At any given moment, certain types of people can really piss you off.
Gays are no exception.
If I tried to deny it, I'd be robbing them of their humanity, and I'm not going to do that.
I've rubbed elbows with homosexuals my entire career, and I say live and let live.
But I'm sorry.
I wouldn't want them hanging around outside my apartment either.
Alec Baldwin may or may not be a narcissistic a-hole, but he does have a wife and a child.
A child that's just a few months old and a wife who's not much older.
And these scumbags with their cameras can't stop shooting video of Alec attacking them for shooting video of him, attacking them for shooting video, etc., etc., etc.
It's goddamn all mirrors, Jimmy.
You should be up in arms yourself over this.
Don't you get it?
The media is prejudiced against ruggedly handsome Irish Catholic broadcasters with rage issues.
We've got to stick together if we do despise each other.
Hold me back, you fruit.
And quit kissing your fucking dog.
Bill O'Reilly.
Hi, podcast listeners.
Hope you're enjoying this week's program.
is something isn't he isn't billy something uh i want to let you know right now that thanks to everybody who's used our amazon.com box to help support the show it really does help support our show we really appreciate it and if you haven't done it here's how you can do it the next time you want to buy something from amazon especially during the christmas time this is the holiday season the next time you want to buy something from amazon if you want to help support the show you just go to jimmy doorcomedy.com you click on our amazon box it takes you to amazon and then when you buy something they send
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Okay, let's get to the second half of the show.
Thanks to everybody for the support.
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Okay.
So everybody knows what's happening with Rob Ford.
I just figured we should cover it a little.
It's one of those things that's already funny.
So it's hard to make it any funnier than it already is.
You know, so it's like people are like, oh, I bet you can't wait to Rob Ford.
I'm like, no, it's already crazy.
You know, it's the dark stuff that you need comedy for.
You know, that's all, you know, so here we go.
Anyway, here we go.
Here's Rob Ford.
And here he was.
He had to go in front of the city council of Toronto and convince them everything was okay.
This is when they were stripping him of his power.
Okay.
Mr. Mayor, do you still have zero tolerance for drugs, guns, and gangs?
Absolutely.
He has zero tolerance for it.
I don't tolerate it.
I'll do it, but I won't tolerate it.
Here we go.
Have you purchased illegal drugs in the last two years?
Now, let's watch the pause.
So you get, let's do this in real time.
I'm not going to mess around.
This is the real timing of it.
Ready?
Here we go.
Have you purchased illegal drugs in the last two years?
Be careful.
Yes, I have.
I'm just so high, I can't even remember the question.
I'm sorry, I was having an acid flashback when you that's what the pause was.
No disrespect.
Okay, so there's more.
They're questioning me even more.
Now, the other thing that people have asked is, will you get help?
I'm not an addict of any sort.
So I'm not quite sure why you're saying I need help.
I'm not quite sure why you're saying I need help.
I'm not an addict.
Addict.
I'm not an addict.
I don't live in an addict.
I'm not an addict.
So go ahead, Frank.
Is that Rob Ford, or did you get a tape of my intervention?
So here he is.
So here he so now he has repeatedly been drunk in public as a mayor.
So he'll show up to a festival and he'll be hammered and often driving.
And so they ask him, is this it?
Yes.
So then they every episode that has occurred that has caused commotion in the city has been because you've indicated that you've been inebriated and yet you fail to appreciate that perhaps there's a problem there.
So he's not admitting a problem.
And in fact, one of the big things he did was he was at the Air Canada Stadium and he was hammered to the point where he was like blackout drunk and he couldn't remember anything.
And so that's what they're referring to, these instances.
And you still won't admit you have a problem.
And here's how he responds to that.
Councillor, I've admitted to my mistakes, and I said it would not happen again, and it has never happened again at the Aircanda Centre.
LAUGHTER That's very specific.
It never happened there.
It never happened again.
And then spontaneous laughter, which that's the best kind, right?
He's killing.
They just, he just right in your face.
Like you're just, that's the big.
Were they laughing there?
Because I couldn't hear them because I was laughing.
Yes, they were laughing exactly when we laughed.
Let me play it again.
You'll hear the people laughing.
Let's play it.
It's never happened again at the Air Canada Center.
Right in his face.
Do you think he knows at all?
Like even why they're laughing?
He's in such denial.
You know, and it's not, you know, we're making fun of someone who's like an addict.
He's an addict.
He's an addict.
But he's also on the.
You can only do one political job at a time.
You can't be both mayor of Toronto and the mayor of Party Town.
So, but he's a loose cannon.
Like he, like, that's not the worst of it, right?
Like, he just won't watch what he says.
He swears all the time.
He swears in front of kids.
And so here he was at the so here's where he decides to turn tables.
He's upset with everyone else, especially the press.
And he's got a message for the press, right?
I'm a prostitute.
Alana is not a prostitute.
She's a friend, and it makes me sick how people are saying this.
So unfortunately, I have no other choice.
I'm the last one to take legal action.
I can't put up with it anymore.
He's had it.
He can't put up with the press anymore.
He's going to take legal action.
So I've named the memes.
Litigation will be starting shortly.
I've had enough.
That's why I warned you guys yesterday: be careful what you wrote.
Be careful what you wrote.
That's right.
Be careful.
You better watch your slander words or else you're going to get sued by the crack-smoking alcoholic mayor who is on video being blackout drunk at public events and is on video smoking crack and had just admitted to buying illegal drugs in the past two years.
Don't write lies about that guy or he will sue you to protect his shitty name.
Yeah, the worst lawyer in the history of the world couldn't handle that case.
Yes, yes, yes.
So here is here how he here's how he ends that press conference.
Someone had accused him of, there was a woman who accused him of saying that he said to her that he wanted to perform oral sex on her.
And he's going to deny that right now, but he does it in a really nice way.
Here we go.
Oh, and the last thing was Olivia Gonda that says that I wanted to eat her pussy.
I've never said that in my life to her.
I would never do that.
I'm happily married.
I've got more than enough to eat at home.
Thank you very much.
And he said that.
He actually said that.
He said that in front of everyone.
He's not to eat at home.
But first, he says the way, you know, and that's how you remove any doubt that you would ever say the word pussy to someone by using it nonchalantly at a press conference and then making a horribly off-color joke about it.
That's how you remove it.
I would never say pussy the way I'm saying it right now, nonchalantly off the cuff in public to you guys with the cameras in my face.
The great thing is, is he essentially did the microphone drop too.
He was like, I got more than enough to eat at home.
See ya.
Ford out.
I'd hate to see him the morning after have some of the hair of the dog that bit him.
We get Rob Ford on the phone.
I got his number.
I'm going to call him up.
See if we can get him on the phone.
I'm not an addict.
I'm not an addict.
Hello?
Yeah, hello.
What?
Yeah, what?
Mayor Ford, it's Jimmy Doar.
How are you doing?
Fuck it.
Hey, I was hoping to interview you for my show.
Yes.
Okay, okay.
Let's do this thing.
Okay, Mayor Ford, yesterday you said you would be suing the press.
Are you still going to go forward with suing the press?
Is that what you're going to do?
I don't know.
Hey, I often say things and then I don't.
I don't know I said them.
But I will say this, Jimmy.
What?
At some point, the press is going to have to take responsibility for my actions.
You mean that I don't know.
What do you mean?
Luke, I've been disgusting drunk.
Yes, you have.
Drug addled mess.
Yes.
And likely a philanderer.
Yes.
Likely sexually harassing a few people.
Yes.
And now it's time for the people of Toronto to accept blame for that.
Wait a minute.
Your Honor, I really think I should mention that an inability to accept responsibility for your own actions is a pretty classic sign of alcoholism and addiction.
I'm not an addict.
I'm only going to say this once.
I'm not an addict of any kind.
It kind of sounds like maybe.
Am I drunk in access, sure?
On a pretty much daily basis, you bet.
So you're drinking every day, is what you're saying?
In office?
Yes.
Definitely.
Okay.
I'm not an alcoholic, Jimmy.
You're not?
Have I done drugs?
Who hasn't?
Okay.
Cocaine, check.
All right.
Marijuana, yup.
Angel dust.
Does the bear shit in the woods?
Bad salts.
What am I made of stone?
Crystal meth.
Crystal, yes.
Okay, listen, Your Honor, that seems like a lot of drugs that you've done.
And I am receiving support from teams of healthcare professionals, Jimmy.
Which ones?
Which one?
But I do not wish to comment on the particulars of this support.
Could you comment on that, please?
Sure, Jimmy.
I got a little posse going.
Who?
There's Dr. Topher.
Okay.
There's Nurse Cutie.
Okay.
And there's the Spank Man.
Spank Man?
Is that what?
Pretty much all the time they're like, don't smoke crock, Mr. Mayor.
That's what they say to you?
Don't smoke.
Has that worked?
Yes.
Yes, it has.
Mr. Mayor, are you high right now?
Yes.
Yes, I am.
Oh, okay, because I figured that.
I'm not going to lie to you.
I dropped a tab acid this morning, and I may have taken horse tranquilizer around lunchtime.
Okay.
Did you have sex with any prostitutes?
That sounds like something I would do.
What else can I say?
And did you proposition that lady in your office?
Proposition?
I said I wanted to eat a pussy.
Yeah, yes, sir.
This is the radio.
You can't.
Sorry, I love eating pussy.
All right.
I love pussy.
I love eating pussy.
Okay.
Okay, okay.
So you're pretty much a total hedonist.
Is that what we're to gain from this?
Hey, when it comes to this city that I love so much and have dedicated my life to, I will drink anything.
I will eat anything.
I will have sex with anything.
And I will play hockey with anything.
Okay, have you had sex with animals?
Um.
Yes.
Really?
Two donkeys and an opsolopso.
Really?
Not all in one night.
I'm not an addict.
And I'm not a monster.
Okay, but.
But look, I would ask that you respect the privacy of my family who have suffered enough living with me.
Yeah, I'm sure.
Well, how can you tell us how your family have suffered?
My wife, who has had to have sex with me routinely, sustaining injuries to her back neck and pelvis.
I have soiled myself in every room of our house at one time or another.
I've attempted to eat my children on several occasions.
Wow.
Wow.
I'm not an addict.
Okay.
Yup.
Okay.
I got to say, Your Honor, I would think you'd want to step down to, you know, fix some of these problems in your personal life.
Yeah.
Yeah, you'd think, wouldn't you?
But, um, no.
Well, what do you, what do you hope to accomplish by staying in office?
Jimmy, I'm not an addict.
I just want to keep doing this great job, saving the taxpayers' dollars of this great city.
Yeah, and then what?
And then at some point, I hope to eat all of Toronto.
Okay.
I love it so much.
I want to eat it, Jimmy.
The women, the drugs, the architecture.
I want to yum yum it all.
Okay, Your Honor, I really think at this point, you really aren't helping.
You're not helping your city at all.
I want to eat your pussy.
Okay.
I want to eat it all up like porridge.
All right.
Mayor, please.
Okay.
That was Mayor Ford.
Oh, Mayor Ford.
Wow, that was something.
I'm not a doctor, but I think he's one of the rare cases where you can actually see cholesterol.
Yes, he sweats butter.
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Okay, now let's get to our phone call or to our Zimmerman and then on to Rip Torn.
Okay, so John Zimmerman back in the news for assaulting his girlfriend, his pregnant girlfriend, go figure, right?
Who saw this coming?
Yeah.
I certainly didn't.
So here, so here's what's happening.
Here is the girlfriend.
Here's his girlfriend's call to 911.
Ready?
He's in my house breaking all my sh ⁇ and belief.
She has a freaking gun breaking all of my stuff right now.
So apparently Zimmerman's running around her house breaking all her stuff with the butt of his rifle, right?
So he has a shotgun.
Maybe following her all around the house.
Yeah, and broke her glass table, broke some other stuff, pointed it at her, pointed the gun at her for a while.
And here's, you'll hear it.
So this is her yelling, talking.
So she's talking to 911, and at the same time, she'll say something to George Zimmerman, and you'll hear it.
Here we go.
No, this is what.
Okay, I'm doing this again.
You just broke my glass table.
You broke my sunglasses and you put your gun in my freaking face and told me to get the f ⁇ out.
So that was his girlfriend yelling at Zimmerman.
What?
I'm doing it again?
You just broke my table in my vase and put a gun in my face.
Right.
What was she doing again?
Evidently.
Right.
But by the way, just I got to tell you, this woman, say what you want.
She's got really good skills at picking boyfriends.
She did not see this coming.
Yeah, that's like, first of all, that's like that's the first issue is you're going out with George Zimmerman.
I mean, what's the matter with you?
Yes, what exactly?
Hurry up and get pregnant.
Yeah.
It's like, you know, it's like Charlie Sheen's girlfriend.
Okay, I can understand you're damaged.
Okay.
He must have some game when he approaches women.
Charlie Sheen?
No, it's Zimmerman.
Oh, Zimmerman.
Okay, here we go.
You like that psycho?
I sure do.
So the cops show up.
The cops show up to this place, and Zimmerman, again, pushes the girl outside the house.
That's his move, by the way.
When the cops get there.
When the cops get there, he throws her out.
He locks the door.
To her house.
To her house.
And then he calls 911.
The cops are already there.
And here's what happens.
Okay, what's going on there?
My boyfriend, for lack of a better word, is going crazy going on?
He goes, for lack of a better word, my girlfriend's going crazy on me?
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Your girlfriend?
Yes.
Okay, where is she now?
Outside, with the police.
Ha!
Ha!
Okay, the police is already there, and so why are you calling?
What happened?
Why are you calling?
Well, because I'm a psychopath.
And I wanted to be a guy who also called 911 so I could have it on the record that I also called 911, but that only occurred to me too late after the police got here.
Yes.
Right.
That's why he called.
And listen to how calm.
Like, we've all seen movies where a guy's a psychopath and he talks really calmly, like, oh, what are you talking?
You know, he's the murderer, but he's like, hi, how are you?
And that's what he's doing because there are cops.
You're going to hear them knocking on the door as he's talking to the 911.
The cops are there.
But what he wants is to be on record at 911, so that's why he's, I think the calmness is not for the cops.
It's for the tape recorder.
It definitely.
So he's a maniac.
You know what I mean?
Like, he's not being authentic at all.
No.
Is my point.
So here, here he goes.
I just want everyone to know the truth.
I just wanted to leave.
She told me that it was better.
She's pregnant with our child, and she told me it was better if we were co-parents and she raised the child on her own.
I said, fine.
I said, are you sure this is what you want to do?
She said, yes.
As soon as I started packing up my stuff to leave, she just completely changed.
So he's obviously making stuff up.
Completely.
Obviously, make every part of this being made up, obviously.
And so why wouldn't you go tell the cops this?
Except maybe if the girlfriend is smart in any way, maybe at some point it occurred to her, maybe it's best if this guy leaves.
Like maybe she did say, I want to raise the kid on my own because you're a psychopath.
Yeah, yeah.
And a killer.
Yes, I think she did.
Yeah.
And but like him.
It's like, so why wouldn't you go tell the cops this?
Why wouldn't you go tell the cops that?
Why are you calling the doesn't this is an excellent 911 operator.
Yeah, yes, yes.
When you say she changed, what did she do?
At first, she was letting me pack my stuff so that I could go, you know, we could go our own ways amicably.
When she changed, she just started smashing stuff, taking stuff that belonged to me, throwing it outside, throwing it out of her room, throwing it all over the house.
She broke a glass table because she threw something on it.
I don't even know if it was mine or hers, whatever it was.
Yeah.
Do you mean the glass table you broke?
I don't even know what she threw on it.
You're in the house.
I'm really convinced he's a victim.
You're in the house.
What do you mean you don't know what she broke?
You're there.
You're right.
Go look.
He needs a new writer.
Yeah.
He did not think this through.
This is bad.
Yeah, this is bad writing.
She got mad that I guess I told her that I would be willing to leave.
Okay.
I guess she thought I was going to argue with her, but she's pregnant.
I'm not going to put her through that kind of stress.
Because he's a gentleman.
Right.
She's really thoughtful.
I'm not going to put her through that kind of stress.
Yeah, I mean, I don't see what would be stressful to a pregnant woman about breaking her stuff and pointing a shotgun at her.
That doesn't stress people out.
Yeah.
So that was his, so that was his phone call.
So that's, uh, It's like one of those things.
It's like, it's no fun to rub it in the face of the right-wingers.
You know what I mean?
It's like, it's not as much fun as it should be.
It's like when global warming, you know, when Florida's going to be underwater in 50 years.
Right.
You know, you're not going to want to run around flipping off Sean Hannity because he's going to be dead.
And, you know what I mean?
So here is, I just want to play, here's what her.
Here's Geraldo Rivera.
Here's what he had to say about the Trayvon Martin case the day of the verdict.
And here's what here's what he had to say the day of the verdict.
Let's.
But how about this, Rod?
He did it because, first of all, why did the encounter start?
Didn't the encounter start because there had been a series of break-ins and robberies in the community?
That's why he was a neighborhood watch captain.
No, he was a neighborhood watch captain, Geraldo, because he's a maniac vigilante who likes to walk around with a loaded gun in his own neighborhood and shoot unarmed people who.
He wasn't the neighborhood, but he wasn't.
He was.
He just said he was the neighborhood.
Yes.
People still reporting.
The ABC reporters still report that he's the neighborhood watch captain.
And every time I tweet at the reporter, please stop reporting.
He was the neighborhood watch captain.
He was not the neighborhood watch captain.
Throw the self-appointed.
Self-appointed.
Self-appointed.
Yes.
Because there's two things you can't do and be part of Neighborhood Watch.
You can't pursue someone.
If you pursue them, that's against the rules.
That's the neighborhood pursuit program.
Yeah, that's the neighborhood pursuit right.
And you can't carry a gun.
Right.
Those are the two things.
He's doing the big thing.
So anyway, so here's what Geraldo.
The neighbors, white, black, and brown, appreciated George Zimmerman's activities in keeping them safe.
Didn't Trayvon Morton, wasn't he a stranger in the community?
Didn't he look in the 7-Eleven surveillance video?
I am so sorry this happened.
I am so.
So there's a kid.
And isn't it really the kid's fault for walking around a neighborhood he didn't live in, but his dad did?
Isn't it really his fault for being black and walking around a neighborhood?
Yeah, it's so wrong when anyone goes to someone's house in a neighborhood they don't live in.
Yeah, also, it was a neighborhood where his father lived in.
So actually, he did belong there.
And I like, and he looked at you, the video in the surveillance video.
Because I don't know about you, but I use video from a surveillance convenience store on my Facebook page because it's really, it's the best picture of everyone.
Everybody looks good.
Everyone looks like a criminal if you show them on 7-Eleven Surveillance Day.
The lighting's very harsh.
I saw Gandhi on a 7-Eleven video, and I was like, that guy's up to no good.
I hope George Zimmerman's around.
All of my surveillance videos footage is credit.
He's so, you know, upset for these parents now, and they go home and they get no justice.
But, you know, sometimes awful things happen to nice people.
It happened here.
I think the cautionary tale, shouldn't we, if we want to really remediate what happened here, first of all, should we say this?
We have to say there's no winners here.
But we often, yeah, there's no winners except possibly George Zimmerman.
Yeah, who got to do one thing he really wanted to do, which was shoot somebody in the chest, and he got to go free.
So he's a double winner.
So he's a double winner, Geraldo.
He's the winner.
I also have to tell our children to avoid these kind of confrontations whenever you possibly can.
Yes, that's what that's what we need.
That's the thing we glean from this is that we're supposed to tell our, it was Trayvon's fault for not avoiding this confrontation.
Parents need to warn their children not to piss off anybody who might be carrying a loaded gun in Florida, which, by the way, is everybody.
You know, Geraldo, I don't know why he's because it's Fox is the answer.
But how does this guy keep getting on TV?
I mean, he literally contradicts himself sentence to sentence.
Sentence to sentence.
Yeah, there's no, the lesson is to teach our kids to avoid these confrontations whenever possible.
There were like 10 billion possible ways to avoid this confrontation.
Yes.
Yeah.
He called 911 and they said, don't follow him.
Okay.
Avoid it.
Done.
Right there.
Stay in your car, George.
That's avoided.
Avoid it.
There's another way right there.
I love Geraldo, though.
You know, he sees both sides of the tragedy because he's a Hispanic, but he works for Fox News.
So he sees both sides, right?
So here he is now.
So here's Geraldo.
That was Geraldo the day of the verdict.
And to me, it's just his lack of power of discerning anything or being able to size up a situation for what it's really worth.
Like if you can't look at, if you look at that Zimmerman situation the day of the verdict and that's what you come away with, you're horrible.
You're a horrible detective.
You're the world's worst detective.
That's right.
He's as bad as the people on the jury.
So here's what he's saying now.
After the third time he's been arrested since then, he's got the second time beating up his wife.
Here he goes.
I think that he is a borderline psychotic at this point.
Wow.
Wow.
At this point.
At this point.
Wow.
That is 10k before.
When he shut that innocent black guy, he was fine.
He was just trying to help the neighbors as a neighborhood watchcat.
He was a captain.
Yeah, he was an officer.
When he murdered that unarmed kid, that was just a cry for help.
And I love, it's like Geraldo.
Yes, I was completely wrong about Zimmerman.
Fortunately, I still get paid the same.
It doesn't have to make sense, the crap I've been saying.
Yeah, I'm sure nobody ever saw George Zimmerman's psychotic side before because he hid it so well by shooting unarmed teenagers.
He killed all the witnesses.
Yes.
Luckily for George Zimmerman, being a borderline psychotic means he's still a hero to Sean Hannity.
That's how it works out.
That's true.
Yes.
That's for attacking a cop.
He had a restraining order by his girlfriend, and he was charged with a felony for, and he had to go to anger management.
That was part of his sentence.
He had to go to anger management because he attacked a co-op.
Worst anger management teacher ever.
Ever.
Can we also decide that another thing was total horseshit?
That accident where he saved the motorists.
He never talked about it on the show, but go ahead.
No way.
I mean, first of all.
He saved a family.
I didn't buy it then because it just doesn't, it just doesn't happen.
It was too coincidental.
now, like, really?
So this guy has had, like, The story, we'll let this go very quickly.
The story was that there was a van with a family in it that overturned and caught on fire, and George Zimmerman pulled them out.
Yeah, and they were like, no, it was definitely George Zimmerman.
And there were some cops backing up.
The cops backed it up.
But when we did some investigation, the cop turned out to be a George Zimmerman fan and a little bit of a racist, right?
Oh, I didn't even know that.
I don't even need to.
I just know that.
Yes.
I just know that you go to the cop's Facebook page, which was then immediately taken down.
It was all this racist stuff, like in thinly veiled racism and a very pro-George Zimmerman.
And so then people start asking questions.
Well, where's the pictures?
Right.
There should be a picture of George Zimmerman.
I think there was supposed to be a press conference about it and then they got cancelled.
There was no pictures of him doing this anywhere.
Everyone's got a phone.
There's a guy pulling people out of a minivan on the side of it in broad daylight, and it's George Zimmerman, and nobody's got a picture of it.
Are you kidding me?
So there's no, and someone did more investigation.
Nobody in that family that was overturned and saved had posted anything about it on Facebook.
None of their social media, nobody like, hey, I lived.
Guess who?
Guess who saved me?
Or nobody, my brother.
Yeah, none of their like extended family went, hey, my brother was saved today by George Zimmerman on their nothing.
So that never happened.
Yeah, it never happened.
When I was a reporter, I had only one real strength, and the strength was to read a story and be like, nope, not true.
Didn't happen.
That was it.
And I knew that then.
And now, come on.
Like, now can we finally say?
Because this is how George Zimmerman was always destined to re-enter the national picture.
Yes.
And don't they say every time he's been pulled over, there's been a gun involved?
He's always.
Yeah, he was packing up his stuff because he wasn't fit to raise the child.
He was like, well, I backed up my stuff.
I got my shotgun.
I'm sure he had a couple other guns, too.
Gather round, kiddies.
Daddy's drunk and ready to dish.
Oh, yeah.
And now it's time for Rip Torn's Hollywood Drunk Tank.
���� Toothbrush, check.
Autograph, shoehorn, check.
Poached ivory horde, check.
Oh, hello there, dear listeners.
Don't mind me.
I'm just going over my packing list because I'm moving to Toronto.
Absence decanter, check.
See Alice and Haler?
Look out.
That's right, Hollywood.
You can breathe in my festering beef leavings as I hightail it out of your culture of finger wagging and move on up to the city of lights and epically trashed public servants.
The prophet Rob Ford has arisen from the barren Ontario tundra like a crack-smoking Muhammad, shattered the unclean idols of Canadian decency and politeness.
And I, for one, am making the hunge to join my brethren and wash my feet with Canadian club.
Man Spanks, check.
The choice of Toronto as a new holy city may seem a bit strange, even to me.
My one previous sojourn there, circa 1965, was a disappointing affair.
After a run of a Lillian Hellman festival at the state theater, the rap party consisted of moderate wine consumption and picking up street litter.
I had an after-party of my own, which ended with me dressed as a mountain and covered in mooseblood.
But in truth, Canada, as the promised land, was always preordained.
When I was a mere babe during the final dark days of Prohibition, my dear mother would soothe me to sleep six or seven times a day by rubbing her treasured brandy on my gums.
Brandy which had been smuggled over a thousand miles from Canada, protected lovingly hauled away by beneficent angels on high and psychopaths with tomby guns on the ground.
Thanks to this northern nectar, a daydrinker was born.
So there, to Canada, I shall repair to fulfill my destiny as Mayor Ford and I ride the sandworm to the Kaaba, wearing my stillsuit filled with civus regal and conflating the mythos of Frank Herbert's dune with Islam.
Lemonzester, check.
You know, I've never used this one in my fucking life.
Pop culture question mark and exclamation point next to each other.
Jim Belushi is not happy with the choice of Emile Hirsch to play his late brother in the upcoming John Belushi biopic slash meta disaster movie.
Although it pains me, I have to agree with Jim.
Non-comedic actors portraying famous comedians in feature films as Iraqi history.
Justin Hoffman as Letty Bruce.
Jonah Hill as Seth Rogan, and vice versa in funny people.
And Tom Hanks as Wayne Cotter in Punchline.
Thanks to you.
And the effect Mr. Hirsch seems especially problematic here.
Not only does he possess the joie de viv of a Prussian cavalry officer, but this might be the first time an actor has to gain 150 pounds of fat for a role while at the same time undergo rigorous weight training so they can actually hold a samurai sword over their head.
And finally, after his latest homophobic rant, Alec Baldwin was dropped by MSNBC.
But is still the syndicated voice of the New York Metropolitan Opera.
So there you have it.
It's official.
MSNBC, gayer than the opera.
The network where even the straight males have to at least look like lesbians.
Hashtag inners.
Baldwin's Friday night program, which I believe was called Indulgent, Unentertaining Conversations with the Guy from Beetlejuice, had not been doing well in the ratings.
So that may have something to do with the decision to put it on hiatus.
But I have a sneaking suspicion that that thoughtless little pig will have to do a little stinted rehab before the thought-provoking peacock will allow him to return once again to sit among such luminaries as the Reverend Al Sharp.
Things have changed in the poof debating department since my day.
One time at a Southampton beach party, I called Gorvadal a preening dick tickler and then stuck a lit tiki torch up his ass and yelled, Welcome to Fire Island.
And instead of having to grovel my way across talk show limbo for the next decade, I was crowned delightful rake of the evening by Lady Astor herself and received a lifetime subscription to the National Review.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
We were monsters.
All right, well, that's all the time we have this week for Rip Torn Celebrity Drug Tank.
This is Rip Torn reminding you: celebrities, they're just like you, except drunk and fucking beautiful.
Wait up, wait for it, wait for it.
That was Rip Torm's Hollywood Drunk Tank.
I know what's up.
Hey, if you're a fan of the Rip Torn Hollywood drunk tank like we are, Mike McRae has informed me that is his last Hollywood drunk tank of Rip Torn's on the free podcast.
He's only going to do it for the premium now.
Isn't that something?
He wants to entice people to get to the premium, and I have to say I support him 100%.
So going for, if you like the Rip Torn, get yourself a premium subscription.
It only costs $5 a month, the price of a cup of coffee.
And how do you do it?
You go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
You click on premium.
You make your $5 donation.
We're going to send you a passcode.
And if you haven't gotten your passcode and you have donated, send me an email at my old-timey email, jimmydoor at earthlink.net, and I'll send you your email.
Okay.
I'll send you your passcode, okay?
So that's how you get a hold of me.
My old-timey email, jimmydoor at earthlink.net.
And I also want to let anybody know we got the, we're going to have an app very soon.
The Jimmy Door Show app is in development right now.
And you'll be able to get the show through that and the premium content through that and everything.
So it's going to be fantastic going forward.
Looking forward to it.
Very excited.
Okay.
So that's what's in the premium content.
This one got a phone call from the Pope.
And then there's that congressman who got caught with the cocaine, but he wants to be a role model.
You know, instead of Just saying, I'm sorry, and ducking his head and his tail and quitting.
He's going to keep his job and he's going to try to be a role model.
We talk all about that in the premium content, plus a phone call from the Pope.
Check it out.
Less than it's the price of a cup of coffee.
Hannah, you get at Starbucks or wherever you get your coffee.
Okay, that's it.
I'll see you next Saturday, September 30th, 10 p.m. show at the improv in Hollywood.
There's a link for tickets at jimmydoorcomedy.com.
We'll see you there November 30th, 10 p.m.
Okay, that's it for the hey, this show was written.
That's right, it was written by Frank Conniff, Steve Rosenfield, Robert Yasamura, Steph Samurano, Mark Van Landewitt, and Mike McRae.
And of course, the voice is performed by Mike McRae, and you can find Mike at mikemcrae.com.
And also, I want to say big thanks to the gentleman who helps me out with the technical problems on my computer.
I have the MacBook Pro, and he's a genius.
And he fixes my computer right over the internet for me.
Whenever something happens, he can fix it.
I don't have to leave my house.
He can fix it right over the internet.
It's amazing.
It really is amazing to watch it happen.
Oh, that guy's named Sean James helps me out.
And you can have him help you if your computer's not working.
You just send him an email at MacHelp at SeanJames.com.
Give him a call at 347-695-0601.
Okay, that's it for this week.
Until next week, this is Jimmy Door saying you be the best you can be, and I'll keep being me.
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