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Nov. 9, 2013 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
With all the recent Mishigas, I thought now might be a good time to review a civics lesson.
Namely, that John Boehner is, constitutionally speaking, the second most powerful person in the federal government and third in line to the presidency.
Yeah, for real.
If the president and the vice president are dead or incapacitated, then the real-life ex-file smoking man gets the big chair.
Now, I don't think there's any danger of that happening.
Seriously, why would anybody shoot Biden?
Why would anyone want to talk to Biden?
He has more fear from President Obama because the Secret Service probably has orders that if Biden starts rambling, they're supposed to put him down.
But should something happen, Boehner is the guy.
Boehner.
The guy who couldn't even stand up to a group of mouth breathers led by Michelle Bachman.
That's going to be the guy trying to stand up to our enemies.
Do you really want a president who, before changing our DEF CON status, would have to call the Koch brothers for permission?
Ancient Visigoths could overrun the joint in a week, man.
Visigoths, I say.
Now, to be fair, the alternative makes my balls crawl up inside me at least as much.
Imagine if Boehner wasn't Speaker.
Who the f ⁇ else would the majority of the majority select?
These people are crazy.
If we're lucky, they'll select Snoopy or Jesus or something.
If not, who knows who they'd elect?
Cantor?
Ryan?
Those pretty boys wouldn't last the first soap in a sock beating.
Gomeert?
That guy's first act as president would be declaring war on the sun.
So in the end, we're fucked.
But slightly less fucked than we might be.
My solution?
Well, I'd start by changing the Constitution so that Morgan Freeman becomes our backup president.
I think we can all agree that would be comforting.
Thank you.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
the show for up-minded, lowly-livered lefties.
The kind of people It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to TV.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's show.
I'm joined in the studio.
To my right, it's Steph Zamarano, the host of Comedy and Everything Else and our resident Latina.
Cross the glass for me, former writer for the Daily Show, the author of Morning Remembrance.
It's Ham Radio's Jim Earl.
Hi, Jim.
How are you?
Hey, man.
Hey, where's your dog?
Why aren't you kissing your little dog?
Oh, I love my little doggy.
Next to him, hilarious comedian Robert Yasamura.
Hey, Robert, how are you?
I am well.
And yourself?
Good.
Across from him, former writer for the Daily Show, hilarious comedian at Steve Rosenfield.
Steve, how are you?
Good, Jimmy.
How are you?
I'm doing fantastic.
Next to him, my buddy from TYT.
You know him from Turner Classic Movies.
It's Ben Makowitz.
Hi, Ben.
Hello, Jimmy.
I am not.
Hilarious.
Glad you didn't bring that dumb dog, Dis Jimmy.
And on the phone, all the way from New York City and Mystery Science Theater 3000 and now totally biased with Kamal Bell.
You can see him next week in Chicago.
It's Frank Conniff.
Hi, Frank.
How are you?
Hello, there.
Yay.
Frank, what are you doing in Chicago next week?
Next week, they're celebrating 25 years of Mystery Science Theater 3000 at the Broadcast Museum in Chicago.
All right, everybody in Chicago, go say hello to Frank.
Is that open to the public?
I'm guessing it is.
Unlike most events I participate in, there will be public there.
All right.
Oh, and it's the studio to my right.
Her microphone is not working.
Our resident Latina and host of Comedy and Everything Else, it's Steph Zemarano.
Hi, Steph.
Hey, Jimmy, I just want to say that was lots of fun in Claremont last weekend.
All our fans.
Hey to everybody in Claremont.
That was fun.
We almost had almost every show was sold out.
It was fantastic.
Claremont's my hometown, Jimmy.
Oh, you should have came out, Jim.
Well, you know, you're never telling me about these things.
It's like I'm not even allowed back in my hometown anymore.
Even when a stranger who disrespects the whole 13 or 14 colleges there goes there, lays a big fart on the area, then leaves.
Yeah.
I grew up there.
I spent my formative years in Claremont.
Well, if you listen to the show on podcast, you would know I was in Claremont.
What?
Hey, so let's get to the jokes before we get to the jokes.
Chris Christie got a big win, you know, and calling him fat is really rude.
But calling him a moderate is complete bullshit.
And it was a bad night for the Tea Party.
This election night this week was a bad night for the Tea Party.
I suggest they construct or defund or shut down something and fast.
That's what I say.
The experts say Chris Christie has what it takes to go all the way to the White House, just like President Giuliani.
Hey, you know, I wrote...
Hey, Jimmy, did you see the headline after the other day?
Chris Christie in Landslide.
No.
Yeah, but it wasn't the election.
He had sat down on the Jersey Palisade.
Okay, fantastic.
I did not know that.
Hey, you know, I wrote some...
He is a large man.
Big guy.
So Rand Paul in trouble this week.
I wrote some jokes about it.
I'll tell you off the air.
I'm afraid he'll plagiarize them.
Did you know that today is the fifth anniversary of President Barack Obama's first election?
Did you know that?
Unfortunately, it's also the anniversary of Bush's foreign policies beginning their third term.
You know, it was a magical night when we elected a moderate, middle-of-the-road compromiser who just happened to be black.
I like to think about the hope and joy I felt on Barack Obama's first election.
You know, it keeps my mind occupied during the hours I'm trying to log on to healthcare.gov.
Well, you shouldn't be doing that in California as California Care, which is working very well.
Jim, did you hear, did you, any more news from your friend?
Who's going to get screwed over by Obamacare?
Still the same, yeah.
I think you're going to have a percentage of people who are going to get screwed over.
I wish you would give me her information so I could call her and verify this story, the barrel.
Because it went off.
I put it in the show last week.
I don't know if you heard it.
Probably didn't.
If you'd like.
Well, I try to listen.
I don't have good reception at my place.
Yeah, it's tough to the podcasts come in very crackly over the FM.
I can't afford your premium content, Jimmy.
That's the way.
Oh, okay.
Okay, so let's...
Coming up this week.
Chris Matthews asks a question or does he answer one?
Or does it go on forever?
The answer just might surprise you.
Or will it?
We'll find out today.
Plus, Chris Christie, he is bringing the spirit of Sandy's hurricane to the election.
We're going to talk about that.
Plus, Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, upset at the Republican Party.
Ted Cruz, they're always victims.
Rand Paul, he's got some problems.
We're going to talk about them.
The Tea Party, they lost big on Wednesday, but they think they won.
We're going to take a look at it.
Plus, we got phone calls from Chris Christie, Barack Obama, Ron Paul, and Luke Russert.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
Jimmy Dore Show.
Ralph Edwards, TV pioneer.
Ralph Edwards, the host and creator of Truth or Consequences and This Is Your Life, two of the most popular shows in television history, has just created another hit called This Is My Death.
During the 1950s, his shows were so popular, a town in New Mexico renamed itself Truth or Consequences.
Unfortunately, the truth was that it was too close to a nuclear testing range, and the consequences were cancer.
Every installment of This Is Your Life started the same way.
Edwards would surprise a hapless celebrity with the phrase, This is your life, whereupon the celebrity would finally get the message that his career was over.
Remaining active throughout his 92 years, Edwards also created such well-known shows as The People's Court, Name That Tune, The People's Consequences, Name That Court, The People's Tune, and Truth Court Consequences Tune People's Name Thunder.
Edwards requested his remains be surprised by a guy with a camera and a microphone and then wheeled into a room full of annoying relatives.
Very nice.
Thank you.
Thank you.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Thank you.
So here's Chris Matthews.
So I'm watching Chris Matthews, and he nobody asks a question worse than Chris Matthews, especially if somebody's on a delay.
This isn't on a delay, but he'll ask them a question as soon as they start to answer.
He asks them another question before they get, he thinks of another way to say it.
But here, he just never stops.
He like asks three or four questions in a row and kind of answers them himself before he ever.
So he's talking to this woman from the Grio.
So here's Chris Matthews' longest question ever.
Here we go.
Ready?
Can I ask you?
Let me ask you, Joyce.
What is missing in mainstream journalism that all it can do is involve itself with the screw-ups of the rollout?
Now, that's news.
There's no doubt it's front page news.
But there needs to be, it seems to me, some context.
One party's trying something, the other party's not.
And yet the other party gets quoted as if they're somehow referees in a game in which, well, they're actually playing in the game.
They're not.
They are not competing to provide a better health care plan.
What are they?
I don't know what they are, but they're standing on the sidelines chuckling, enjoying every mishap without any requirement on their part to say, you know, we would have done this.
They haven't done it.
That's his question.
Yes.
That was his question.
That's kind of the average length of all the questions on MSNBC.
So let me, yeah.
So is he really asking Ben?
Is he really asking a question or not?
I don't think so.
So I think he uses the question to just pontificate.
Doesn't he even know where he's going with the question?
No, he doesn't.
He doesn't, Ben.
He just starts talking and hoping it ends somewhere.
But where does it end?
It ends nowhere.
That's where it ends, Ben.
Yeah, I'm a good point, Ben.
Yeah, it's good.
Once again, I rest my case, Jimmy.
Seriously, Steve, when he starts out like that, he doesn't even have a clue what he's going to say, does he?
No, he doesn't.
He just keeps going.
I find it.
I find it.
Well, lots of people find it annoying, don't they?
Yes, they do, Steve.
Because I was.
Good point, Jimmy.
Okay.
Hey, Jimmy.
Yes.
Did you see the clip of Chris Matthews on Morning Show where he said that the Reagan Democrats are back and they're very patriotic?
They like people like people like Ronald Reagan.
They don't like people like Al Gore and John Kerry.
So in other words, patriotic people like someone who traded arms for hostages, not someone who served his country in the war.
Oh, God damn.
Frank, well, you got to call me when you.
I would love to have that clip.
Are you kidding me?
Oh.
I'm not kidding you at all.
And it was all part of his praising of Chris Christie, who Chris Matthews his pants every time he thinks of Chris Christie.
He loves him.
Well, it just goes to show you that Chris Matthews is not a Democrat.
He doesn't really, like, like being a Democrat is like a hobby to him.
Like, yeah, I'll be a Democrat because I have to be in politics.
So I'm a Democrat.
But I don't really care about any of that stuff.
I like Ronald Reagan.
I liked how he destroyed the country.
He likes Chris Christie out, how he's destroying New Jersey.
And that's the thing about Chris Christie, right?
So he is destroying New Jersey, by the way.
In fact, you know, their unemployment is up.
Their economy's tanking.
He screwed up their, he didn't build the tunnel.
Their mass transit.
He didn't have a plan.
They also haven't distributed a lot of the Sandy funds.
Yeah, but he's popular.
He's really crushing in New Jersey.
Yes, he's really popular.
He's really popular.
So here's his speech.
I'm going to play his speech for you.
And well, you tell me what you think of it.
Here we go.
People across the country have asked me how it is we've been able to do what we've achieved.
How have you been able to?
Well, how have you been able to do what you've been able to do?
It's easy because you haven't done shit.
Governor, you haven't been taking long either.
I've done exactly what you've done, Chris Christie, and I nap most of the day.
Let me just tell you.
Okay, so let's play this through.
Here's his big spirit of Sandy speech.
Ready?
Hearing him?
And I'm reminded of a story that Pastor Joe Carter of the New Hope Baptist Church told just one week ago Today, on the one-year anniversary of Hurricane Sandy.
Was it about how Jesus demonized teachers?
Was it about that?
Was it about how Jesus said we can't afford pensions for people who worked for the state for a couple of decades?
Was it that?
What did he say?
Let me hear, what did he say?
He called what had happened in New Jersey the last year the spirit of Sandy.
He spoke about people coming together.
He said when the lights went out, no one cared what color your skin was.
He said, when you didn't have any food, no one cared whether it was a Republican or a Democrat offering you the food, when you didn't have a warm place for your family because of what happened in the storm.
You didn't care if it was someone who thought that government should be big or small.
At that moment, at that moment, Chris Christie didn't care who was offering him his food, just as long as it was deep fried.
Okay, here, he's got more.
The spirit of Sandy infected all of us.
Reverend Carter was right.
And he prayed that day that the spirit of Sandy would stay with us well beyond the days that the recovery will take.
My pledge to you tonight is I will govern with the spirit of Sandy.
And he's going to finish the job of wiping out the working class that Hurricane Handy didn't get to.
Handy?
Did I say Handy here?
No.
It's a different story.
It's actually the spirit of Candy.
He's a big man.
He loves his sweet.
So what he's saying is that we can all find meaning in something bigger than Sandy, bigger than politics, almost as big as his pants.
Huge.
You know, he's the rare credit.
He's the rare politician who has huge credibility as one of the good guys while remaining one of the douchebags.
I don't know if people know that.
A lot of people in New Jersey are actually very angry at him about the response to Hurricane Sandy.
Yes, that's, well, first of all, there's two people.
There's two types.
First of all, let me just say this.
He's going to govern with the spirit of Sandy, brutal, ruthless, and totally indifferent to people's suffering.
Because that's how Chris Christie likes to govern.
Because 75%, you're right, Frank.
They did a poll.
And 75% of the people that were affected by Hurricane Sandy in New Jersey feel like the government has forgotten about them.
75%.
75%.
And the news media almost never covers those people.
They show him out on the boardwalk rebuilding the boardwalk twice, right?
They rebuilt it.
It burnt down a month later.
They rebuilt it again.
They rebuilt it after every time he walks on it.
They rebuilt it largely with their own funds, by the way.
They're in debt.
Yeah, so people who did rebuild.
So Christie got money from this federal government.
He has not given that money to the people.
Nobody knows what he's done with that money because he won't tell anybody what he's doing with the money.
He's being the opposite of transparent, and people are suing now to get the federal money that was given to the state of New Jersey to help rebuild their homes.
People are not rebuilt in New Jersey.
So this whole spirit of Sandy thing is all BS.
And the press, of course, is not taking him to tax for it.
The whole idea of him being bipartisan and transsending bipartisan politics.
First of all, he had the special election of Corey Booker happen a week ago at the expense to the state of, I forget how many millions of people.
About eight, eight, nine million dollars.
The millions of dollars expense to the state so that Democrats wouldn't come out on his election night and affect his margin of victory.
Yes, that is correct.
He also spent around $4 million of the recovery money on an ad featuring him and his family.
Featuring himself.
So there was two bids to do a, so they wanted to do an advertising campaign to get people, or just they basically just did a commercial to get people to come to New Jersey after Sandy.
And so there was a couple of bids.
One advertising agency bid a certain price.
Another advertising agency, $5 million more.
He went with that one.
And you know why?
Because their commercial featured him and his family.
And do you know what New York State, they have a law against that, that politicians cannot be featured in commercials for the, did you know that?
So New Jersey, they put him and his family in the commercial.
That's the advertising company he went with.
And 75% of the people affected by Hurricane Sandy feel like the government has forgotten about them.
That is a story that is not being talked about.
So when you see people on Morning Joe talking about Chris Christie getting a 60% vote margin, they don't talk about, hey, by the way, remember how he screwed over his state and had a different election instead of the one with Corey Booker?
Remember how he did that for selfish reasons?
Remember how that was transparent and nobody ever talks about that?
They don't talk about that.
They don't talk about how he had no plan for when Hurricane Sandy hit and all their buses were flooded.
New York City has binders full of not only women, but plans on how to take care of their transportation system in case of a hurricane.
New Jersey, three paragraphs, and they were all blacked out, by the way, when the newspaper asked for them.
So Chris Christie is, again, just like Ronald Reagan, a bad manager.
He's all hype.
There's no substance there.
He's a bad governor doing bad work.
And I think by the time 2016 happens, if the Democrats are worth anything, they'll be able to advertise his failings as governor because he's a failed governor.
I don't care how you put it.
It's a failure.
He's got nothing to stand on.
If only there had been a Democrat nearby who had won with a bigger margin that day, then maybe the news media could focus on that.
But that didn't happen.
Except for the mayor of New York.
You know, the most liberal politician elected in some time, it would appear.
And that's like, whatever, that guy went.
But Chris Christie, they're bipartisan Chris Christie.
Yes, they've had a Republican mayor in New York City for the last 19 years, I think.
And they finally switched it to Democrat.
The guy got like 111% of the vote.
And what I had to think.
Sorry, Frank.
The amount of people that Phil de Blasio will be chief executive over is just as many, if not more, than Chris Christie will be in New Jersey.
Oh, really?
Yes.
Oh, the population of New Jersey.
Oh, because of the population of New York City.
Oh, really?
I did not know that.
Also, you know what might happen to Chris Christie, though?
Because it is, what are we?
And we're in 2013.
And you know what it sounds like?
Is a little bit of the 1985-86 Massachusetts miracle and Mike Dukakis.
And then all of a sudden, like, this guy, this engine has made this state great.
And then by the time 1988 rolled around, you're like, oh, no, apparently things suck over there.
Yeah, well, the problem, well, I think the difference between, that's a good analogy, but the difference is that the candidates themselves, now, Christie, much like Ronald Reagan, is popular because of what people project onto him, not because of what he is, right?
And just the same thing with Dukakis.
Dukakis would have been a much better president than George Herbert Walker Bush, but he was such a horrible candidate, people, you couldn't project anything onto him, right?
He seemed like Harry Reed's older brother.
You know, He just, it seemed, especially that picture of him looking like a squirrel in that tank.
So he did everything that Democrats, he played into all the stereotypes about weak Democrats.
And when they asked him point blank at a debate, Mike Dukakis, would you still be against the death penalty?
What would you do if your wife was raped and murdered?
And he didn't have an answer.
What's the good answer?
The good answer is, of course, I'd want that guy dead.
Right, I'd want to rip his head off.
I want to kill that guy twice.
That's why you don't let the victims dole out the punishments.
That's what he should have said.
And that's what Chris Christie would say.
And that's what Chris Christie would say.
You're right.
He's a much better candidate.
Well, they're mad.
So Sean Hannity's mad at Chris Christie because they're still mad at him for hanging out with Barack Obama.
Yeah, totally.
Right.
And that's why, and that one little gesture has created this image of Chris Christie that dovetails with the rest of the image, which is that, like, for example, on election night, you could hear two campaign-winning speeches in big states that matter.
You know, a Republican winning in New Jersey and Chris Christie, and then Terry McAuliffe winning in Virginia.
And listening to Terry McAuliffe speak makes you want to drown yourself as quickly as possible.
I mean, everything about this guy is horrible.
Repugnant, right?
I mean, it is the most political insider of political insiders.
And Chris Christie sounds like a regular guy.
He sounds like a bad guy.
And so he's enormously appealing so that when he does something that says F you to guys like Larry Gomert and Michelle Bachman, I need this money and the president's coming.
Of course I'm going to meet with him and walk around with him.
That's important.
It dovetails with that regular guy image and he seems to be stiffing the rest of the party when in reality he's pretty close ideologically to the rest of where the rest of the world is.
That's a great point.
It's like we said earlier, the idea that he's a lottery is ridiculous.
Yes, the fact that if you look at his platform, Chris Christie's platform and Chris Cuccinella are Cuccinelli's platform, very similar.
They're both anti-gay marriage.
Chris Christie's anti-gay marriage.
He's anti-abortion.
What other issues are there that he was.
I think Chris Christie's pro-blowjob.
I think.
So here's what Sean Hannity had to say.
Here's what Sean Hannity had.
I don't know what the big appeal of Christie just based on the record is.
It is hardly an economic boom or turnaround in the state of New Jersey.
I can tell you that.
Okay, so here I am agreeing with Sean Hannity, ladies and gentlemen, on his assessment of Chris Christie, which is amazing.
It's amazing that he's telling the truth about Chris Christie and Chris Matthews isn't.
That's what's kind of amazing.
The guys on MSNBC in the morning, they're all sitting around slapping themselves on the back because they're going to get a new buddy, Chris Christie.
But here is Sean Hannity telling you the truth about Chris Christie.
Of course, Sean Hannity is incapable of telling the truth when it doesn't fit his own purposes.
But here he is doing that.
But even when being Machiavellian, Sean Hannity thinks through his horrible plans.
Chris Matthews doesn't think through his own thoughts.
No, because he knows no one will ever call him on it, Robert.
And people who do, he gets fired.
So here's what Rush Limbaugh had to say about Chris Hannibal.
Now you've got so many people in the media celebrating the Christie win as the road to the future for the Republican Party.
What does that tell you?
You know what?
For one, I'm tired of the media picking our candidates for us.
And they're trying to do it here.
Yes, Rush Limbaugh, the biggest AM radio media guy in the world, is tired of the media picking the power they have.
It's not right.
Oh, really?
Jimmy, look at us, you dumb fuck oats.
It's me, the big Cajona.
Sit your skinny ass down and shut your mouth, you poofy Ronaldo.
I bet by now you're probably wise to what's going on down here in the Jersey.
Oh, Banyan's dead, doing a groin.
I'm governor of the world.
I'm the luckiest guy in the kitchen, am I right?
And since I'm a nice guy, I'd like to take the time to congratulate my opponent who won a shitty font-filled campaign full of shit.
I mean, look at this USA Today pie chart showing a percentage of Democrats who voted for me.
It's huge, am I right?
Feast your squids with a big blue wedge of voters.
It's like three cups of shred of mozzarella with two cups shredded of cheddar.
Two eggs, green milk, two cups Bisquick mix, some fried onions, and half a pound of bacon.
Oh, God, triple cheese pie.
Your little doggy looks delicious.
I disgust myself.
I'm sweating here.
Somebody sponge me down.
Okay, that was Chris Christie's first call.
He called back.
He called back.
I remember eating that.
No.
Oh, my God.
Okay, the rest of the Chris Christie call coming up in the second half of the show, along with phone calls from Barack Obama.
And Ron Paul calls in to defend Rand Paul.
Doesn't do a good job.
But right now, I want to let you know very briefly, thanks.
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It sounds dirty sometimes when I say it, but it's not.
Okay, let's get back to the second half of the show right away.
Hey!
He called back.
I remember eating that.
The spirit of Sandy will stay with us.
Hey, then you can know about it.
So back off or just do your job and be satisfied with your station in life.
As my mama used to say all the time, I'll somato for you.
Hey, you got a lot of respect.
What do you think you'll do while you're looking for sad?
Is it a sobriety?
It's not a place.
I'll shut up your face.
Poor Father Christmas.
Some horrible scrolled in my stomach.
Something's growing in his stomach.
Did you hear that?
Hopefully, he calls back.
He's going to try and clear it up for us, I think.
Sorry, I didn't need to pass a staple.
Does he mean a staple from his stomach staple?
Apparently.
He passed it.
Okay, okay.
I was re-elected at third things upside down and treading.
And that's just what I'm going to do.
I'll put you on notice.
It's going to be a big shake-up.
I'll be replacing Isada Gabbatz with Gabad Susada.
Jeff Rossetti will replace Tonino Sandrales.
Johnny Tarrio replaces Joe Massorilla.
Silo Enino Antini will be replacing Augusto Asasso as Rodini Gonzaga as control.
laughter And here's a shocker.
Nikki's out.
And Gino's in.
She said the Adrizoni will be getting a bums rush.
If you know what I mean.
I think you do.
You disgust me.
I gotta get to the warehouse, if you know what I mean.
And I think you do.
And after fat cracks, you dumb slabats.
I hate myself.
There's something going on my gut.
Okay, that was Governor Chris Christie.
Wow.
The Jimmy Dora show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Thank you.
Then here's the thing, right?
So they lost big, right?
So Chris Christie wins.
They lose Virginia.
Not only did they lose Virginia, but they lost the lieutenant governor's race.
And it's up for grabs right now.
They're attorney general.
Yeah, it's really close.
Here's the guy they ran for lieutenant governor.
This is E.W. Jackson.
Here's what he had.
Here's what he had to say.
Their minds are perverted.
Well, here's he's talking about gays.
He's talking about gays.
Their minds are perverted.
They're frankly very sick people psychologically and mentally and emotionally.
And they see everything through the lens of homosexuality.
When they talk about love, they're not talking about love.
They're talking about homosexual sex.
Okay, hold on a second.
Wait, that guy didn't get elected.
Now, what I love about that clip is that his classic projection.
He sees everything through the lens of homosexual sex.
He doesn't understand how there could be actual love and affection between two gay people.
He's the one who, when he thinks of gay, he thinks of penis in a that's him.
That's right.
Was that his concession speech?
So then he, so then he's at so then he's asked about that until he gets in a butthole.
Until he gets specific about sexuality, he could be talking about the Tea Party right up until then.
So here he is, but he's asked about this.
Did you say that gay people live a sick lifestyle?
They're sick people?
Never said that.
What I've said is I think that the movement, the effort to change the culture, is an effort to pervert things.
He never said they were sick?
Their minds are perverted.
They're frankly very sick people psychologically.
Okay, so I heard the word sick.
Yeah, what that tells me is that he's not willing to be frank when a camera's on him, but when he's calling into a wacko right-wing radio show, he is.
He is willing to be frank, but not frank.
So he knows what he's saying is wrong.
That's what that is.
So these guys know he knows what he's doing is wrong and he's making stuff up, that he's pushing buttons on people who are afraid of gay people.
Here's another guy.
This is Dean.
By the way, what he defended himself with was just as wrong.
Just as wrong.
Him claiming that there's a gay conspiracy to subvert the culture.
That's insane.
So he lost.
It's incredibly gay of him to say that.
So he lost.
Here's a guy named.
If you went to a production of La Carshaw Fall with Lies of Minel E while High On Paupers, you wouldn't be gayer than that guy.
So here is the guy running for Congress in South Alabama, and he was a Tea Party candidate.
Here's what he had to say.
Oh, hang on.
South Alabama.
That's pretty far south.
Yeah, Southern Alabama.
Ready?
Between one man and one woman.
And no one needs to go to Washington representing the people of South Alabama if they don't believe that.
If you want to have homosexuals pretending like they're married, they need to go to the Democrat Party.
We love those people.
They're just doing that's wrong.
And it's always been wrong and always will be wrong.
And everyone knows that biblically, homosexuality is wrong.
I consider this pro-family and pro-marriage.
Okay, so he lost also.
Shocking.
So these are the guys the Tea Party's like.
He lost to one of those liberals from North Alabama.
He lost, by the way, that was a runoff with another Republican he lost, right?
So it was a runoff.
It was actually a primary.
Yeah, so that's a run.
So they had to do a runoff between him and this other guy, and he won.
I mean, he lost.
So that guy said was gay.
So here.
If he were watching Mitchy Gang or seeing, I'm going to wash that man round the hair.
He couldn't be any gayer.
So he lost.
And here's what he said.
Here's why he lost.
Here's what he said why he lost.
The establishment Republicans did everything they could.
They poured all their money into it.
And they barely, barely beat you guys.
Yeah, but that's called still they won.
They still beat you.
They beat you.
And he goes, the reason he lost was because the establishment.
Was it because you say crazy stuff when someone points a camera your way?
But stuff that you heard in the 50s about people.
No, it's because of somebody else.
It's always somebody else's fault, right?
It's always somebody else's fault.
Just like Ted Cruz.
They're always the victim, right?
Remember Ted Cruz when he said here's what here's the victims.
House Republicans marched into battle courageously.
And the Senate Republicans should have come in like the cavalry to support them.
Unfortunately, a significant chunk of Senate Republicans instead came like the Air Force and began bombing the House Republicans, our own troops.
So that's the theme, right?
The Tea Parties are being bombed.
So that's what that guy just said.
Dean Young.
He's an insult to our Air Force troops, by the way.
Yes, totally.
Yeah.
What the hell did they do to deserve to get dragged into this argument?
So Dean Young says he's been a victim of the Republican Party.
Ted Cruz is a victim of the Republican Party.
So if it's one thing that we've known, we've documented on this show is that first and foremost, Republicans are victims.
They're always the victim.
They're the victim of the liberal media.
They're the victim of the people who are anti-religious.
They're the victim of the liberals who own everything.
They're the victim.
Now they're the victims of their own goddamn party.
They're the victims of their own party.
Antithetically, coincidentally, Boono, is that her name?
She, I think quite correctly, blames her Democratic compatriots for destroying her campaign, not supporting her anymore.
Well, it was an uphill battle, and I understand why people didn't flock to her.
I thought it was bad.
I think Chris Christie's vulnerable.
I think he's got a lot of vulnerabilities.
I don't understand.
Ben, why didn't they go after why didn't they help her more?
Well, because, well, I think mostly because you're wrong.
He didn't have any vulnerabilities.
He's an enormous.
He's a very impressive, dangerous candidate right now.
And if you want to break it down as to how the media ought to be going after him, what people ought to be saying about him, it's different than the perception.
Right.
And the perception Frames the reality.
And the fact is, he did reach out to the federal government for help during Sandy when most Republicans wouldn't.
I don't buy that he's just like that he's not moderate because in today's Republican Party, he is moderate.
25 years ago, he'd have just been a mainstream Republican who didn't care about poor people.
But in this era, it is a little bit different.
And regarding gay marriage, like he did drop the suit.
Like he can talk all he wants about he's not in favor of it.
But there are most Republican governors who would not have given up that fight.
They would have kept fighting.
There is something different about him, and that makes him dangerous.
I'm glad that it's 2013 and not late 2015 right now, because then I would be very afraid of his ability to beat Hillary Clinton.
But isn't that the mistake?
It's one thing to say that he's moderate compared to some of the other Republicans, but he's a traditional conservative Republican, though, which is not being a moderate.
Here's what Drew Dean Young said, that guy from Southern Alabama.
Here's what he said after he lost.
This is what he said.
The first warning shot that goes out across the nation that people of the United States are tired of where our government's going.
So he said, this is the first warning shot.
I don't know if you could hear it.
He said, this is the first warning shot that goes out across America.
It's a warning shot that you guys are willing to get beaten in elections anytime, anywhere?
What are you talking about?
I think this is a warning shot across the bow of the Tea Party that the majority of Republicans are not going to do this anymore.
Yes, to me, it sounds like a warning shot to the Tea Party that you guys are crazy and you're going to lose all your time.
Yeah, let's sit down.
And here's what Ken Cuccinelli said.
Here's what he said.
This is his concession speech.
Remember this.
Tonight, you sent a message to the president of the United States that you believe that Virginia understands that Obamacare is a failure.
Not very consistent.
No, they sent a message that they liked Obamacare because you lost.
If they hated Obamacare, then they would have voted for Cuccinelli.
Am I wrong?
I mean, I guess if the people of Virginia hated Obamacare anymore, Cuccinelli would have lost by a landslide.
Get it?
Get it?
I'd say there were at least two messages in Cuccinelli's lost.
Obamacare is a failure, and we don't want you to be governor in that order.
Technically speaking, Cuccinelli lost, but it was a moral victory if you're completely full of so that means if I were a Democrat running for reelection next year, I should be real worried about winning by three points.
Nobody wants that.
Beep.
Thank you.
it.
Timmy, Barry Obama.
Man, River's been a long time.
I'm sorry I haven't called.
I've just been super busy getting fucked by Kathleen Siberia.
Do you know what pegging is, Timmy?
That's when a woman straps it on and jams it up here.
Seriously, Katie, if you're going to fuck me like that, you've got to leave a honey on the dresser, baby.
You know how hard it is to pass health care?
It was like passing the camel through the eye of my asshole, man.
And why?
Seriously, why?
Because I don't know.
We all know healthcare is fucked.
I called my provider the other day, and they pretended they don't speak English.
Can I get an aspirin all up in here?
Oh, so funny, no English.
Call Raynor.
And I need an aspirin here because my asshole horse been having Katie Sebalius fucking me.
Now, to be fair, did I know some people were going to get dropped from their insurance?
Yes, I did.
And I lied about it.
But hey, I'm sorry you're crappy insurance that was gouging you for Nelson Drops, Sorry.
I guess we'll have to get the real insurance that isn't sold out of the back of some dad's car.
What a crying fucking shame.
Oh, one will probably be cheaper.
How I weep for you.
You could get some of that cheaper insurance.
The other night, Katie Sebalius hadn't strapped one on and fuck me.
Hey, I like to have a little dinner first, maybe a movie.
Before I got a lady giving me the high-hard one.
A website, bitch.
How hard can it be?
A fucking website.
Sarah Palin has a working website, for fuck's sake.
I'm pretty sure that can't read.
You know what I'm going to do?
Well, I should have done all along.
I am calling Canada and inviting them to conquer the U.S. And then maybe we'll get some fucking health care around this place.
So I hope you people like hockey and politeness.
Russell's coming.
And then maybe I get my face out of this pillow for a minute and stop getting fucked.
Do you know what pegging is, Jimmy?
God damn it.
Paul us out.
That's it, Barack Obama.
Thank you very much.
Yay.
The Jimmy Dora show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
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Thank you.
Rand Paul, a little bit of a plagiarist, huh?
First, we started to notice that large chunks of his speeches were lifted from Wikipedia.
Seriously, the bastion of his exquisite prose, Wikipedia.
Then it came to light that large sections of his book and his Washington Times columns were lifted from Republican think tank reports.
I think nobody would ever find out about it.
No, ever.
Now, if you planned to run for president in three years, how you handled an accusation like this might be very telling of your future prospects, don't you think?
So let's hear how Rand Paul handled it.
Here's how he started handling it.
This is when he first went on TV to talk about it.
I take it as an insult, and I will not lie down and say people can call me dishonest, misleading, or misrepresenting.
I have never intentionally done so.
And like I say, if you know, if dueling were legal in Kentucky, if they keep it up, it'd be a duel challenge.
But I can't do that because I can't hold office in Kentucky.
So what's the fix?
You know, Jimmy, that statement that he made was from something that he stole from Doris Kern Screw.
So that's nice that somebody accuses him of plagiarism, and you could point out how they're factually wrong about it, or you could challenge that person to a duel.
Wow.
Doesn't sound like you're overcompensating at all, does it?
So that's how he started out.
He started out challenging Rachel Maddow to a duel.
And so maybe, let's see.
Maybe he'll try to discredit the people pointing out his plagiarism.
I think I'm being unfairly targeted by a bunch of hacks and haters, and I'm just not going to put up with people casting aspersions on my character.
I'm offended, sir.
Offended?
Yeah, this is what it's exactly what it sounds like.
And so you're going to threaten to shoot somebody?
That ought to clear this up.
But, you know, he's not kidding about wouldn't be able to hold office in Kentucky.
Yes.
Kentucky has an actual law that prevents somebody from, if you challenge someone to a duel, you can't hold federal or state office.
He also said, this is true.
That is true, by the way.
And by the way, evidently, it's necessary to this day.
Initially, I was thinking you ridiculed that law, but no.
I would shoot the guy, but the law says I can't.
Charges of plagiarism ended Joe Biden's 1980 campaign.
Yeah.
That's what finished him off.
Yes, plagiarizing.
And being Joe Biden.
That didn't help.
Yeah, exactly.
Contributed.
To be fair, I don't know if you've heard Joe Biden talk, but when he's working off of his own head, it's not.
It's not a good idea, right?
You had it as steal.
His own original thoughts.
Very quickly, just to add a little fact to this conversation.
I'm sorry to do this, Jimmy.
But, you know, when Biden, he plagiarized a British politician named Neil Kinnock, and like five times or six times, he didn't mention Kinnick when he gave that speech, but like 13 times he did mention Kinnick.
So it actually isn't, it's not nearly as flagrant a case of plagiarism as it seems.
Right.
So he challenged Rachel Maddow to a duel.
10 speeds and pull tables at dawn.
The point is that Biden's case wasn't nearly as bad, and yet he had to end his presidential campaign over it.
Yes, but I don't think this guy's going to have to end his campaign.
I think this will blow over.
I really, this is not sticking, and it's not going to stick because the people who are going to vote for him don't care about this.
So that's how he was handling it.
He was challenging people to a duel.
He was calling them haters.
You know, he's calling them.
He called them Rachel Meadow a hater.
You know, the thing bad rappers call people when they tell them they're bad at rapping.
Oh, don't be a hater.
What are you doing?
Are you kidding?
So then after everybody started to get wind of what he was doing, like regular people like Political and BuzzFeed and the Washington Times.
Well, BuzzFeed broke it.
So Washington Times got rid of his column, right, because of it.
And so then he changed his tune a little, and here's how he's handling it now.
He went on CNN with Wolf and he says this.
And yet, because we don't have everything properly footnoted, people have attacked.
And I think really.
I like how he says, oh, because I don't have everything properly footnoted, people have attacked.
Yeah, that's one of the reasons.
Plus, you lifted material you didn't write and you put it in your own editorial for the Washington Times and then read verbatim from Wikipedia in a bunch of your speeches.
It's not a term paper.
We have to have a lot of people.
Let me explain something.
If you put something in a book that isn't yours and you don't footnote it, that's plagiarism.
That's called not crediting the author.
Yes.
Just because we didn't footnote it correctly.
Yeah, that's plagiarism.
Just because I stole it doesn't mean I stole it.
So if you print something that someone else has written, you have to footnote it.
Yeah, we didn't.
That's what they're mad about?
Yes!
That would be what people are mad about.
Jimmy, do you footnote your act at the bottom of every page or at the end with the bibliography?
At the end with the bibliography.
That's what I do it.
So here he goes on.
He's on with Wolf, and here's what he goes on.
Really, the standard that I'm being held to is a little different than anybody else.
They're now ready.
Anybody else?
I don't think he's being held to a different standard.
Otherwise, they would be holding other people to those different standards.
You know what I'm talking about?
Like, why would they just go after Rand Paul?
They would go after everybody.
Is the Washington Times holding you to a different standard, Rand, that right-wing rag is getting rid of you, owned by a Mooney?
Right.
Even Moonies can't handle your bull.
They don't have a standard at the Washington Times.
There's no standard.
There's no standard at the Washington Times.
They had Tony Blankley get a column for his whole life.
Anyway, but you know what, Jimmy?
Not only is Rand Paul still running for president, he's already chosen the victory speech he's going to steal.
That was a big mistake.
A big mistake of his was the person he had consult him through this whole crisis was Carlos Mancia.
Yeah.
Very nice, Frank.
In fact, you know what?
We got Ron Paul on the phone, his father, to ask.
Homicide.
That's the problem.
It is not a problem.
Congressman is Jimmy Gore.
Oh, hey, Jimmy, how are you?
I'm fine, Congressman.
Did you get those depositories I sent you?
Listen, Congressman, I wanted to ask you about everything that's been going on with your son.
Oh, Rand, yeah.
Well, that's just been awful, hasn't it?
Well, he got caught plagiarizing in a lot of his work.
Yeah.
Do you have anything to say about that?
Well, honestly, I don't have any problem with it.
You don't?
Well, of course not.
I mean, Jimmy, what do you have to understand?
Is that for libertarians like Rand and me?
Copyright laws mean you can't own words in a ridiculous sequence.
That's crazy.
Dr. Paul.
Wow.
Copyright law is the only thing that allows authors to be paid for their work to be credited.
What's a hindrance, Jimmy?
I mean, my goodness, how is anybody supposed to get anything done with all these crazy laws?
Rand also dumped huge amounts of mercury in his backyard.
The EPA is going to accuse him of something.
What he dumped Mercury?
Well, sure.
Some guy gave him $20 in a case of Stroh's to dump the Mercury.
It's not like it's a coin.
Yeah, well, it is crime.
Well, sure, but, you know, not for realties.
Do you not believe in the rule of law at all, Dr. Paul?
Well, no, no.
I mean, not really, no.
What about what the founders said, that we must be a nation of laws, not men?
Well, no, no, no.
I mean, that's wrong.
A nation should be just the individual praises and whims of poorly educated persons, whatever they want to.
Won't that just be chaos?
Yeah, yeah, well, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But look, I think you and I have very different visions for America.
My vision is more of a post-apocalyptic wasteland on a motorcycle.
You mean to various adventures?
What?
And I have a sword and a dog named Vengeance.
I think we're a little off track here, Dr. Paul.
Laws and ethics aside, Isn't it just inappropriate for your son, a U.S. senator, to be plagiarizing whole chunks of texts?
Well, yes, of course it is.
But what people have to understand is that Rand has never had an original idea in his entire life.
I can't believe you just said that about your own son.
Well, he's a dullard.
What do you want from me?
I had to eat meals with him.
I tell you, he's so boring to Steve Dad that I was happy when it started stealing other people's ideas.
Thank God, even if it's on him, at least something interesting is coming out.
Wow.
Just before that, he'd just say things like, I saw a fire truck today.
Dr. Paul, you know, it's implied he would, you know, he implied that he would duel the reporters who broke this story.
Well, of course he has.
Jimmy, what no one seems to understand is he's a full-blown simpleton.
I think everyone's yelling at him for no reason.
So, of course, his first reaction is going to be to shoot you with an old-timey gun.
Now, if everyone will just speak to him in calm, soothing tones and explain what happened with pictures and action figures, he'll eventually say, I'm sorry and go to sleep.
Look, Jimmy, I have to go.
Okay, okay.
So, you have somewhere to be?
Well, no, I'm just on Down.
I'm just on Dadlawn.
I mean, I have to write some racist pamphlets that plausibly deny their authorship.
it's more busy work than anything I think that's the end of the call.
Well, okay.
Thanks.
Thanks so much for your time, Congressman.
Well, yeah.
And as the kids say, goodbye.
And remember, if you have any really dumb pun that you want to ever want to see, be sure to tweet them at midnight on Twitter.
Okay, what a fun Ron Paul call that was.
Okay, we've got some more coming up in the premium content this week.
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Okay, the show this week was written.
That's right.
It was written by Mike McRae, Robert Yasimura, Steve Rosenfield, Jim Earle, Steph Zamorano, Mark Van Landuitt, and a special thanks and Frank Conniff.
And special thanks to Ben Mankowitz for sitting in with us from Turner Classic Movies.
Great to have him on the show.
All right, that's it for this week.
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