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Nov. 2, 2013 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program, the Jimmy Dore Show.
This week, Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius was grilled by House Republicans on the malfunctioning rollout of the Obamacare website.
She apologized and said the problems would be fixed, but this only made the Republicans more furious because they love those problems.
The GOP also introduced the new talking point that, contrary to what Obama had said, the healthcare law will force many people to lose their current insurance.
Both Obama and Sebelius then responded that the insurance those people were losing was crappy anyway, and under Obamacare, they could get better insurance.
To which the Republicans replied, but what about Benghazi?
Meanwhile, Obama's popularity has fallen sharply in NBC News Wall Street Journal poll, although the poll was skewed by factors such as everything being said about Obama on NBC News and the Wall Street Journal.
Now the Republicans want to delay Obamacare's individual mandate to give sick people more time to enroll and healthy people more time to blow it off.
They're demanding Sebelius' resignation, probably so they can refuse to approve her replacement unless we get rid of Obamacare.
On the bright side, none of this will make a difference if enough Americans end up getting health insurance, because as much as people hate slow websites, they really hate dying young.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
...up-minded, lowly-livered lefties.
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you, T-Day.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's episode.
I'm joined in the studio next to me, the host of Comedy and Everything Else and our resident Latina.
She's Mexican.
It's Steph Zamorano.
There you go.
Hey, Jimmy.
Hi, Steph.
How are you?
I'm great.
Fantastical.
And cross the glass from me, you know him from Turner Classic Movies, Turner Classic Movie.
It's Ben Mankowitz.
Which one is it?
No, that's what it is now.
It's Turner Classic Movies Turner Classic Movie.
TCM TCM.
It's Ben Mankowitz, Ed from Turner Cloud.
You've seen him on the video show with me over at the Young Turks Network.
And here he is finally coming on the radio show and the podcast.
We're glad to have him.
It's Ben Mankowitz.
All right, Ben.
How are you, buddy?
I'm good.
It's good to finally be here.
Thank you, Jimmy.
Yes, thanks for driving across town during rush hour for it.
I appreciate it.
It's no big deal.
We shoot this on Halloween, and it's my daughter's first ever Halloween.
It's not a big deal.
I'm glad to be here.
With Steve and Jim.
Well, it's good.
It's her first ever Halloween.
She won't remember it.
That's right.
She won't remember it at all.
Fair point.
Across from him, a hilarious writer, former writer for the Daily Show, the author of Morning Remembrance, hilarious obituaries of real dead people.
It's Ham Radio's Jim Earl.
Hey, Jim, how are you?
Hey, Jimmy, how are you doing?
I'm doing fantastic.
Yeah, this whole studio is full of drug-resistant bacteria.
Yes, it is.
We've got some F. coli in here.
Hey, Ben, shout out to your daughter.
Shout out to all my peeps, too.
Okay.
Next to him, another former writer for the Daily Show, hilarious comedian Steve Rosenfield.
Hey, Steve, how are you?
Good, Jimmy.
Nice to be here.
Nice to have you back from your trip.
People are nice to be back from my trip.
People were clamoring.
How was your trip?
It was pleasant.
Fantastic.
What we look forward to is a pleasant trip with our friends.
Really?
Your family?
You get along with your family.
Good.
Okay.
I guess that's not as funny as it might be.
Oh, that's another show.
That's another show.
Hey, let's do some jokes before we get to the jokes.
Republicans, you know, this is Halloween.
It's Halloween.
We're recording this on Halloween.
Did you know Ted Cruz what he's giving away?
He's giving away Obamacare with razor blades inside of it.
Because look out when you trigger treat at his house.
Hey, Lou Reed died, which is sad.
He did it.
And I'm just glad he didn't live long enough to read Miley Cyrus' reaction to his death.
That's a great joke.
That is a great joke.
That is a great joke.
I'm glad you could dig down deep and laugh at that one, Jim.
All right, what's coming up on today's show?
Boston wins the World Series, and we have some fan reaction.
Plus, Bill O'Reilly takes down Dick Cheney, kind of.
And people are talking about it.
We're going to talk about it.
Plus, Dick Durbin is nominated.
He's in the running.
He's campaigning for this year's shittiest Democrat Award.
And we're going to give it to him later.
Plus, Dr. Drew stops by to scare us about pot one more time on CNN.
That plus, NBC misrepresents Obamacare again and a lot, lot more.
Oh, phone calls.
We have phone calls today from the Pope.
Drunk Bill O'Reilly and Representative Peter King calls in.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
you *music* Got a phone call.
Jimmy, Representative Peter Kig here.
What the fuck happened to my goddamn Republican party?
Seriously, who let all these assholes in here?
Used to be the beat of a Republican was like, Dad, don't get it abortion.
That's letting big business get away with murder.
And shit worked fine under that system.
Now you've got all these mental defectors running around here who think they don't need government.
Hey, asshole.
If you hate your government so much, why'd you take the job?
This isn't about shutting down a government.
It's about a fiduciary responsibility.
We got fiduciary responsibility.
Shut down, fucking fuck you.
And seriously, you're going to block hibocracial reform after that shutdown to government scunch.
You know, some of us are rotted and racist, cherry-banded districts.
Okay.
I need to stick on me like I need an extra dick.
You know who's a spineless pussy?
That fucking beta.
Fucking pumpkin-headed little girl that did that one.
You guys don't hear about the lunatic tea party bills.
We got to kill a committee.
I think there was one the other day that made it a federal crime to fuck Doggy style.
We don't like Doggy style.
I beseech thee.
Professional, professional horse's ass.
Steve King wrote that one right away.
Polition.
If it ever does turn on, I'm related to that guy.
I want to be immediately mated and my bloodline erased from the cheatful.
All right.
Okay, Jimmy.
I'm done talking to you.
Fuck you.
What?
No, you can't do nothing.
All right, Representative Peter King.
The Jimmy Dore show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them, too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Thank you.
So Dick Cheney sat down with Bill O'Reilly, you know, the muckraker.
And Bill O'Reilly, so people are making a big deal out of this on the intranets.
And they're talking about that, oh, look, Bill O'Reilly gave it to Cheney.
In fact, I went to a website and the T Party people were really giving a hard time to Bill O'Reilly, calling him a traitor and stuff like that.
So I watched, did you see this, Ben?
Did you see any of this?
No, I did not.
So I'll play a little bit of it.
I'm sorry, I meant to send it to you, but I haven't seen it either, Jimmy.
I saw it, Jimmy.
Oh, fantastic.
No, that's great.
That's great.
I did.
I saw it.
I know you saw it.
So here's what he had to say.
Here's what Cheney thinks was the problem in Iraq.
So you think the Obama administration just wanted out of there and to hell with it.
Exactly.
And we're paying the price now.
The Iraqis are paying the price.
Yeah, see, he's saying that we withdrew too quickly.
And now that we're paying the price.
It's 2013.
We invaded in 2003.
We're paying the price for pulling out of a 10-year war.
That's right.
We're paying the right.
What kind of a morally bankrupt president pulls out of a war that lasted 11 years, cost trillions of dollars, and was based on a vicious rumor?
That's my question.
Come on.
If we only stayed in Iraq longer, Ben, we could have helped the Iraqis by getting more of our troops killed.
Making a contribution.
Because as you said, because the Iraqis are paying the price.
Yeah, but Iraqis are favorite price.
You know, by pulling out like that, Barack showed he has no respect for a quagmire.
He's a quitter.
He is a quitter.
And Cheney, I don't have it on tape, but he went on to say that Obama only killed Bin Laden because he hates loose ends.
So there's more.
So, Bill, so listen to this, how Bill puts it to him.
What do we get out of Iraq, though?
I mean, as Americans.
So that's nice to see he finally somebody to his face, right?
Bill O'Reilly is the guy who asked.
I can't even believe this.
You know, but it's funny.
You asked me, I have seen this.
I saw this whole thing.
Oh.
But it made so little impact on me.
You know, because you're right.
He was a little tough on him, but and of course the Tea Party would find it.
First of all, how does the Tea Party support Dick Cheney?
Like, they're against everything that isn't the Tea Party supposed to not be involved.
We don't want to go to war?
I thought that was the whole point.
That's what I thought, too.
Save money, cut the federal.
Okay, so here's what I'm saying.
What do we get out of Iraq, though?
I mean, as Americans, we're all in it together.
I like how he says we're all in this together.
Oh, yeah, that's code for not blacks or Mexicans.
We're all in this together.
I don't want to, because all that you get to me is like, I don't want to rehash your lies right now.
Like, what's done is done.
We're all in this together.
We're all Americans.
You lied.
I didn't.
But let's forget about it.
We're all in this together, except for all the war protesters I called on American, the people who had it right.
I was, you know, except for them.
Right.
You know, we're all in this together.
Everybody who got it wrong.
We're all in this together.
That's what he means.
Yeah.
I'll remember that, Bill, when you call half the country moochers again when you say that we're all in this together.
Okay, here we go.
A little bit more.
It's easy to finger point.
They finger pointed you and Bush.
I mean, I don't want to do that.
It's easy to finger point because we know exactly who to point our finger at.
It's really.
He doesn't want to blame anybody.
Hey, how about we blame Saddam Hussein for not having any weapons because he'd make us look like a bunch of a-holes.
How about that?
Let's put it on his face.
It's his fault, right?
I like to see Bill O'Reilly as a judge in a courtroom.
You know, the prosecutor be like, and ma'am, do you see the man who assaulted you?
Could you point him out to you?
Yes, he's sitting right.
Enough with the finger point.
It's like, I don't want to finger point.
I didn't want to say anything at the time either.
So I'm never going to say anything.
I'm never going to say anything.
But he did ask him what we got out of it.
And let's see what Dick Cheney says.
But we spent a trillion dollars on this with a lot of pain and suffering on the American military.
What did we get out of it?
Well, Dick Cheney got $35 million up front.
That's what he got out of it.
Before he became vice president, Halliburton gave him a $35 million.
Now you go, here's $35 million.
And then lo and behold, they got 10-year no-bid contracts to take care of stuff half the world away.
Well, how does that stuff work?
Also, just real quick, it's worth remembering.
How did Cheney get to be vice president?
That's right.
Because he was looking for a vice president.
He said, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I think I know a guy.
I know a guy.
He was shaving.
And he was like, I think I see the guy.
I think I saw the guy.
He was glanced at my.
So here's.
You know, this is really weird.
You'd think at least at this point in his life, he'd have a change of heart.
Bam!
I'm out of here.
I feel bad for the dead person whose heart is still beating in his chest.
So here, so here he's Dick Cheney's answer.
What we get out of it, Dick Cheney, by the way, here's his answer to what we got out of it.
And this guy sticks to the story more than OJ.
Okay, here we go.
But remember what we were faced with in the immediate aftermath of 9-11.
We had a lot of evidence to indicate that, in fact, Al-Qaeda was trying to get their hands on weapons of mass destruction.
We had in Saddam Hussein a guy who had produced and used weapons of mass destruction.
You know, he's more married to that bullshit than he is to Mrs. Cheney.
So have you seen her?
I guess that I, you know, for some reason, Jim, inside me, I thought that this is the time that Cheney's just going to say, we got nothing out of it.
We fed up.
You happy?
You happy?
He's got to do the hits, Jimmy.
He's got to do the hits.
Yeah, he's got to do the hits.
That's what he's doing.
Yeah, well, what we get out of it.
Yeah, well, also, we figured out that starting a whole different war, everybody forget that we didn't prevent 9-11, and it worked.
Yeah, okay.
So here we go.
So Bill keeps hammering him.
Bill O'Reilly comes back at him.
Right now.
What do we get out of Iraq for all that blood and treasure?
What do we get out of it?
What we gained, and my concern was then, and it remains today, is that the biggest threat we face is the possibility of terrorist groups like Al-Qaeda equipped with weapons of mass destruction with nukes, bugs, or gas.
That was the threat after 9-11.
And when we took down Saddam Hussein, we eliminated Iraq.
potential source of that.
Okay, so I like how...
He says it like that's a phrase we've all been saying.
That's the first time I've ever heard it.
And he says it like nukes, bugs, or gas.
It just rolls off his tongue.
A matter of fact.
It's so matter of fact, like it just has to be true.
I used to have that on my van.
Nukes, bugs, or gas.
No one rides for free?
No one rides for free, yeah.
The fans are gassing.
Don't come.
Yeah.
This is nuking, don't come something.
Okay, so Bill points out that the gains that Dick Cheney said we got didn't last very long.
Mesopotamia is back.
That's right.
He goes, they're back.
Al-Qaeda's back in Mesopotamia.
He says Mesopotamia.
But also, the birthplace of Alexander the Great.
Mesopotamia, right?
I need to get out.
I had to get out of Atlas.
There's no Mesopotamia.
He's got an old roadmap.
All the power of Rome.
Al-Qaeda wasn't in Iraq.
He's actually, without saying it, he's repeating the original key lie.
Yes.
They were enemies of Iraq.
They were different sects.
No, he's repeating.
And he's just going back like, yeah, and Al-Qaeda was the biggest threat.
They might have gotten a nuke, a bug, or a gas until we eliminated one of those threats in Saddam Hussein.
And there, Bill O'Reilly has no follow-up.
There's no like, no, actually, Mr. Vice President, that's not true.
Yeah, no, he let it go.
And then here we go.
But they wouldn't be if they'd followed our policies that we laid out for them when we left.
Okay.
Bill O'Reilly says, hey, wait, the Al-Qaeda are back in Mesopotamia.
And Dick Cheney says, I want to play it again That's right.
But they wouldn't be if they'd followed our policies that we laid out for them when we left.
Yes, see.
You know, black people can't follow directions.
That's the problem.
See, he was playing the long game in Iraq.
That was a sure short-term first 10 years, it's going to look horrible.
But if you keep going, maybe at two or three more presidencies.
Or 100 years.
So he goes on.
Also, let me finish.
Sure.
In terms of what we got out of it, we took down Saddam as a major source.
Five days after we got Saddam Muammar Gaddafi announced he was going to surrender his nuclear materials.
And he adds.
So let me just say that they, oh, they love to say that.
Five days after we got Saddam done, the Libya decided Muammar Gaddafi decided to give up his nuclear materials.
Yeah, and don't you think now, seeing how that turned out for Muamar Gaddafi, that there'll never be another Arab dictator who turns over his nuclear weapons ever again?
Because if he had one, we would have never invaded his country.
That's an interesting, that's an interesting theory.
Yeah.
Also, I don't, did they repeat that?
Is that a thing, the five days thing?
I've never heard that before.
Because I don't know.
Yes, I've heard that.
And like that Gaddafi was waiting to see if they got Saddam before he'd go ahead and make this giant decision.
So Dick Cheney, well, Dick Cheney's saying that look how scared everyone was of us.
They started rolling over.
Oh, they're going to invade us next.
Here, you can have my nukes.
And then, you know, a couple years later, we just invaded his whole country and killed him.
Right.
We invaded his whole country, killed him.
Thanks for getting rid of your nukes and making this easier on us.
And the country that most feared Saddam Hussein is now far closer to a nuclear weapon, Iran.
Yes.
And I don't want to step on Bill O'Reilly.
I'm sure that's his next step.
Yes, the exact opposite of what we wanted to have happen happen.
He's got a little ruler.
He had a weapons design.
He had the uranium feedstock.
And after we took care of that, we took down AQ Khan, who was his major supplier, the father of the Pakistan program, and was running into black market operations, which put him out of business.
We got rid of three major sources of potential weapons of nuclear weapons.
Okay, so I guess we'd have to deem your foreign policy an overall success then.
Is that what you're saying?
He's sitting here talking about their successes.
That's like he was saying that you had success to the Middle East other than Iraq.
That's like the dry cleaner bragging he got the blood out of the top hat for Lincoln.
You know what I mean?
It wasn't all bad.
I mean, look what we did.
Look at that hat.
So Bill O keeps going back at him.
Here comes Bill.
But right now, Iraq looks to me, and this is the headline in Washington Post today, nearly two years after the U.S. troop withdrawal, Iraq's in the midst of a deepening security crisis as an al-Qaeda affiliate wages a relentless campaign of attacks.
So while you're correct in a bigger picture, I don't know if the suffering and blood was worth it.
Well, can I just say gutsy for Bill O'Reilly to turn on the war he championed for eight years after it turned out to be a complete debacle?
Yeah.
I got to tell you, you know, the only way Bill O'Reilly could have less integrity on the war in Iraq is if he had Chris Matthews on his show.
But I mean, it's not even like, I mean, he couches the question of, you're right in the big picture.
Yes.
No, no, you're wrong in the big picture.
You're wrong.
Every picture.
There's no picture where you look good.
Every picture.
These chroma comb.
There's the Ansel Adams picture.
Every picture of you.
There's the 70s faded picture.
Sepia.
You look like there, too.
Color Dodge.
So Bill O'Reilly says it wasn't worth all the blood and treasure.
Really, it makes him look like he's being a tough guy.
Look, I'm holding Cheney's feet to the fire.
But what he's really doing, he's just as bad as Cheney.
He was totally on board for this war.
Until yesterday.
Yes, up until right before he had Cheney come on, I think.
Okay, here we go.
We've got a major problem in that part of the world.
It's not just Iraq.
It's also danger in Afghanistan.
Let's get to Afghanistan.
And Iran, the withdrawal of the United States from that part of the world has significantly diminished our capacity to influence those events.
Okay, see, we should have never pulled out of Iraq.
All we had to do, there's no other way to stop the terrorists, Ben.
What we had to do was stay in Iraq until all the terrorists die of old age.
And then the long game.
That's the Cheney doctrine.
He's saying we should still be, if we're not in Iraq, so we can't influence things that are happening there.
He goes on.
Here's the last thing.
Jimmy, I did want to say that, you know, like during the Iraq war, you know, every time my boyfriend pulled out, I did pay the price.
I don't, you know what?
That's disgusting.
They did pay the price.
So here's the last thing Cheney has to say about, and he's talking about Afghanistan here.
The last time the Taliban took control in Afghanistan, they had bases that trained 20,000 terrorists.
And I think they're going to do that again.
Don't you think they're going to do that?
In addition to 19 hijackers who came here with airline tickets and box cutters and killed 3,000 people.
I got it.
I got it.
But aren't they going to do that again?
We got it.
We got it.
Who was running the store then when they did that?
Yes.
Who's running the store?
I mean, no one ever asks.
I think it's worth bringing up.
What did that presidential memo on August 6th say, about 35 days before the attack?
Yes.
Bin Laden determined to attack the U.S. inside the U.S. might use planes.
Nobody ever asked those questions to anybody in the administration ever.
So, Bill, what Bill is doing is like a sort of a Tom Coburn trick where he pretends he's giving you the harsh truth.
But what he's really doing is pretending he's giving you the harsh truth.
Because if he was really giving, he would say exactly what we're saying to say, but he's not saying any of that stuff.
He didn't say, well, who was in charge then when they killed 3,000 people with Baker?
Oh, it would be you.
So he goes on.
Here's what he has to say about Afghanistan.
So what?
We just sit back and don't worry about it?
No, but I'm asking you, if we're withdrawing and they're going to do it again, as it seems likely they will.
Very real danger of that.
Here we go.
Well, what do you get out of it if you withdraw and you let that happen again, Bill?
We don't have the choice anymore, if we ever did, certainly since 9-11, of calling back behind our oceans and saying, well, what goes over there doesn't matter to us.
It matters a hell of a lot if there are a lot of terrorist bases and there are more now, more areas where they can be based than ever before, and if there's a major proliferation problem of nuclear weapons.
And that also is uncrazy.
That puts our strain on our U.S. military is unbelievable.
Well, and on our treasury.
17 trillion.
Okay, so Bill's just kind of, you know, but leave it to Cheney.
I mean, nobody understands the ramifications of 9-11 better than one of the guys who never saw it coming.
Or saw it coming.
Right, right.
And like Cheney says, our oceans won't protect us anymore now that they've invented airplanes.
Yeah, you know, that reminds me, oceans won't protect us.
I mean, that's just a talking point from 2004.
That's a campaign.
That's a campaign against John Kerry talking point.
The oceans won't protect us.
The oceans won't protect us.
And didn't Cheney served in the military, right?
What was the joke of he's had as many deferments as he's had heart attacks?
That's right.
Yeah, I think the heart attacks now lead.
Yeah, heart attacks.
Five to five.
Five to five.
Oh, is that right?
I thought the heart attacks surged ahead.
It's very competitive, that race.
Hey, guess who got, guess who called me?
I think drunk.
Door.
Jimmy.
Answer the phone, you cabbage-munching, lacto, ovo, donut-bumping, carpet-munching, farmers-market patronizing pansy with an attitude on acid.
It is I. Bill O'Reilly, Berrigan, Bradigan, Brannigan, Brennigan, Delaney, Dwayne, Reed, Flannery, Fagan, Fitzgerald, McGowan, McGrady, McCandle, McCogan, McCays, Metaworld Peter Jr.
Special Skills, Tennis, Rawling, Southern Accents, Model Building.
Representation by Omnipot.
Oh, he called back.
James, where'd you go?
Now, I'm pretty sure you saw my interview with the former vice president the other night.
No, I'm not talking about Skylar Colfax or a stupid name, right?
Come along if you care.
Come along if you dare.
Take a ride to the land inside of your mind.
Wow, he's really drunk then.
He's singing some 70s jams.
That's a jam.
He called one more time.
I don't know if you want to hear it, but here it is.
Jimmy, where are you?
He's drunk now.
Should you be here to install my cable sometime between 8 a.m. and 7 p.m.
It's now 12 o'clock.
Anywho, I'm pretty sure you saw my interview with the former vice president the other night.
No, I'm not talking about Elbridge Jerry.
What a stupid name, right?
Beyond the seas.
Beyond the realm of what.
Across the streams of hopes and dreams where things are really not.
He's heavy.
Jews control the banks.
Boy, he's really out there.
Hello, podcast listener.
Here, there's one way.
Very quickly, you know, this is the part of the show where I let you know that there's one easy way to help support the show that doesn't cost you any money and doesn't, isn't that nice?
Doesn't cost you any money.
How's that, Jimmy?
Next time you buy something from Amazon.com, please use our Amazon box on the jimmydoorcomedy.com.
That's right.
You click on our Amazon box.
It takes you right to Amazon.com.
And then when you buy something, they send us some money.
It's just that easy.
Doesn't cost you anything.
It doesn't change the way you shop at Amazon, but it really helps support the show.
That's it.
We'll let you know about the premium content at the end of the show, but let's get right to the second half with some Bill O'Reilly phone calls.
He's really drunk.
He's really out there.
He's all through such things.
Jimmy, have you ever seen a Los Opsa?
I, for one, cannot abide by any dog that looks like Cousin It's vagina.
You heard me.
No spin there.
And what do we get out of it?
I asked Mr. Cheney on my award-winning top-rated news-oriented program the other night.
And by it, I did not mean cousin its baby hole.
So it did cross my mind.
It often still does.
I was referring to the Iraq war.
Was it worth it?
We spent a trillion dollars on it along with our blood, sweat, and tears.
Well, here's my take: no spin.
And when I die, when I'm dead, dead bone, there'll be wine, child born, a world to carry on.
Carry on.
We'll do it live.
Wow, he's really singing the 70s jams.
He's all over the place.
Is that blood, sweat, and tears?
Is that who is that?
Yeah, blood sweat and tears song.
Oh, okay.
I think he's got one more.
He called me one more time.
Call me in one more time.
So, Cheney, FYI, or for your inspiration, as Father Ol Slamahan used to put it.
And boy, he used to put it.
Cheney, according to Chris Matthews, is, of course, pronounced kumquat.
So put that in your hat and wear it proudly.
And take off your hat and show it to Homeland Security.
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
I've committed horrible acts against nature.
I've burnt churches, porsured the elderly, and mocked the retarded.
But there is one thing I will never do, and that's right for Ellen.
Jews control the banks.
Wow, writing for Ellen seems to be a real.
He doesn't.
I don't get that.
I don't get the evilness of it.
He's got one more phone call.
He called me.
One more time he called in.
Oh, sure.
You mock my heritage.
The name O'Reilly stretches back in time to the Neolithic Irish village of O'Reilly Henge.
And every year during the summer and winter solstice, my ancestors will wait patiently for the sun to appear along the north-south axis and shine through the granite posts of that sacred monument.
Whereupon the most important of our clan would sacrifice a turnip, say a prayer, and jerk off like a madman.
What's my point?
Let me get back to you on that.
I'm going to go buy a cronut.
So do we want to know what a cronut is here?
We're going to find out.
What's a cronut?
A cronut.
Combination croissant and donut.
Now suck butter from my ass.
I shit on your mud garden.
Secret out.
Okay, that was drunk Bill O'Reilly.
Wow, he's going drunk.
He's going through some stuff.
He's quoting the Amboy Dukes.
I don't get that.
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So I was watching Fox and News Sunday and Dick Durbin, second most powerful senator, Democrat in the Senate, Dick Durbin.
And so here he's talking about Social Security, Medicare, grand bargain.
He's talking about with Chris Wallace.
Now, Chris Wallace is the bad Wallace.
And they're talking about the grand bargain.
And by the way, so just so everybody remembers, I don't know if people listen to this show know this, but in case there's a new listener, Social Security does not add one penny to the deficit, never did.
Okay, that never did.
Doesn't have nothing to do with the deficit.
It's solvent until 2037.
And then after that, it pays 75% of the benefits.
And with very little tweaks, meaning getting rid of the cap on what people pay, you could make it solvent until the supernova of the sun.
So there's no problem with Social Security.
Medicare, by the way, is every time they run a, they do a thing with the, I forget what it's called, but they do an investigation to see how long it will be solvent.
It gets more, gets more solvent longer.
Every time they've done this since Medicare has started, it's solvent for the next 11 years.
Guess what?
Right now, Medicare is solvent for the next 11 years.
So every time they do one of those solvent tests, it comes up.
It's going to be solvent, and it is solvent for the next 11 years.
So just keep that in mind as we listen to Dick Durbin with Chris Wallace.
A second, but you're not answering my question.
Why does taxes, why do taxes have to be on the table?
Why can't you just make a deal, short-term spending for long-term entitlement reform, which, Senator, you support and President Obama supports?
You have supported the idea of some entitlement reform.
That's right.
I do.
So he's asking, why do you have to even have higher taxes?
This Chris Wall, why can't you just go ahead and cut Social Security and Medicare?
Why can't you just do this?
This is what he's saying, right?
Am I wrong?
Isn't that what he's doing?
Exactly what he's saying.
He's just saying, why do you have to get something for turning your back on the promise that you swore up and down that you guys would never cut Medicare or Social Security?
Why won't you just do that?
Why won't you just betray your base and not ask the Republicans to do anything in return?
Why won't you do that?
So that's Chris Wallace's jumping off point.
And Dick Durbin doesn't stop him and say, what a ridiculous question that is.
He goes ahead and answers.
Here we go.
And I'll tell you why.
Because Social Security is going to run out of money in 20 years.
Okay, not running out of money in 20 years.
By the way, 24 years, but whatever.
Yeah, but whatever.
Not running out of money.
So here we go.
So again, two jumping off points, which are false.
But fix it now.
Before we reach out.
He wants to fix it now.
I'm going to give you, let's give it a whole run-up.
Let's get him a running start, this Dick Durbin man named Jimmy.
You have supported the idea of some entitlement reform.
That's right, I do.
And I'll tell you why.
Because Social Security is going to run out of money in 20 years.
I want to fix it now before we reach that cliff.
Medicare.
Okay, so Dick Durbin on record wanting to fix problems 24 years in the future.
Just so we know, just so you know, that's what Dick.
You want to know what some of the problems we currently have right now?
No, we don't have any problems.
That's why we can focus on problems that exist 24 years down the road.
We've fixed all the problems right now.
All the ones that are pressing.
For instance, since 2001, more than 56,000 manufacturing facilities in the United States have been permanently shut down.
Not a problem.
56,000 factories permanently shut down.
That's a good thing.
There are less Americans working in manufacturing today than there were in 1950, even though the population of our country is more than doubled.
And according to the Economic Policy Institute, the United States is losing half a million jobs to China every single year.
Just China.
And at this point, right now in our history, an astounding 53% of all American workers make less than $30,000 a year.
Also not a problem.
I thought it was just me.
In the United States today, the wealthiest 1% of all Americans have a greater net worth than the bottom 90% combined.
According to Forbes, the 400 wealthiest Americans have more wealth than the bottom 150 million Americans combined.
And the six heirs to the Walmart fortune have as much wealth as the bottom one-third of all Americans combined.
And it will be an outrage if their tax rate goes from 33.6 to 35.8.
A travesty of justice.
A travesty.
And that's what he's willing to give away Social Security and Medicare for.
That's what's called balance, Ben, in America.
What's called balance is, right, we put an imperceptible 2% tax on the richest Americans who won't even feel it.
And then we balance that out by, you know, maybe some old people won't get to see a doctor every once in a while.
No, because you see what happens if we tax these people a lot of money, then we lose all those jobs.
Yes.
All we're talking about is restoring.
I don't know why we don't hammer the talking point.
They do a little bit, but not enough.
All we'd be talking about is restoring a tax rate that existed under the most recent, vibrant time in American history when the economy was strongest.
Like there is just no evidence that if we tax people at that rate, we're not talking about a Reagan rate of 70%.
We're talking like 37, 38, 39% before they deduct anything.
Right.
And everything was great.
Yes.
I mean, everything was not great, of course, but everything worked well for those people.
Much better.
They made money.
Rich people still made money.
Rich people still tried to grow their businesses.
I disagree.
Higher taxes resulted in the makers of the whammo water weenie.
That's fravis.
You don't make that anymore.
Slip and slide.
No, you're not.
You see that around anymore?
Lawn darts.
Well, let me just say this about Dick Durbin.
With Democrats like that, who needs Ted Cruz?
You know what I mean?
I mean, is that really Dick Durbin, the number two Democrat in the Senate?
Is that his new slogan to win back the House in 2014?
Hey, vote for us, and we'll promise to help Republicans cut your Social Security and Medicare.
Hey, we'll screw you less.
Is that his, is that his, what is his slogan to win back the House?
It's The winningest issue of all time that doesn't just win with Democrats.
It wins with independents and Republicans is to don't cut Social Security and Medicare.
They use that every other year, every election year.
They would use that.
And Barack Obama and these New Deal or the Democratic Leadership Council cannot wait to cut Social Security and Medicare.
The one thing that the Democrats guaranteed is a winner at the elections.
That's the thing.
With everybody, by the way.
So with Republicans, the tax cuts for millionaires are only good with Republicans.
I don't think they really sway the independents or the Democrats.
Democrat, this issue cuts across all party lines, and Democrats cannot wait to give this issue away.
I don't understand why they don't talk about how we have some desire.
Like, I'll talk about reforming Social Security so it's good for the next hundred years.
I'd like that.
That'd be an okay thing to do.
But in order to do that, what I'd like is that when the time that your grandkids are on Social Security, that the balance between the richest Americans and the poorest Americans isn't whatever it is, like 97 to 3.
That I'd like it that when more people go on Social Security, it isn't their sole source of income.
Like that would be a great, that's, and that's when you talk about how we need more revenue now, and that other, and that rich people should pay slightly more of their fair share.
But they won't do it, and he just gives it away.
Can you play the clip from him just one more time?
Because I love one thing he says there, and it's a thing.
Why does Texas have to be on the table?
Why can't you just make a deal, short-term spending for long-term entitlement reform, which, Senator, you support and President Obama supports?
You have supported the idea of some entitlement reform.
That's right, I do.
And I'll tell you why.
Because Social Security is going to run out of money.
I do.
And I'll tell you what.
Like, he's sort of gifting us this great moment.
Yeah.
I'm going to, I do support that.
And you know what?
I'm going to tell you why.
I wasn't even asked why.
Thanks, man.
That's really big of you.
Well, that's great.
That's also this bullshit talking point that Republican or Democrats do.
It shows how open-minded they are.
Look, I'm willing to compromise.
I'm willing to cut.
That doesn't show.
That shows you to be a fool.
That shows you to be an idiot.
That doesn't show.
That doesn't make you again.
This thing that somehow I'll show that I'm reasonable to people who are completely unreasonable and hate me.
They would rather somehow they'll turn around and start working with me.
They would rather please their opponents than their constituents.
Yes.
Yes.
Because they're not.
The Democratic leadership in Obama are Republicans.
Well, okay, modern day, I'm probably all for all time, but especially today, all elected, certainly federal politicians are beholden to their donors.
They're not beholden to their people who vote for them.
I don't think they really care about the people who vote for them because they know that what they really need is the donors.
And if they don't have the don't, they spend all their time on the phone talking to these people.
So those are the people who they're talking to.
They're not talking to us.
They're talking to their donors.
How much did the Republicans win the debate about corporate money versus union money?
Like, they just crushed that debate.
They want it.
You have Americans all over the place saying, oh, the union dues, they take our dues.
They use it for political purposes.
Yes, they're representing you in the only way that could possibly benefit you in the long term by lobbying members of Congress.
But now we got 7% of the workforce in the United States of America belongs to a union.
It goes up to 11% if you count like state and municipal unions.
That's it.
But the unions, that's the problem.
That's the whole problem.
But in 35 years ago, 40 years ago, that percentage was bigger.
And there was a little clout that they carried.
And yeah, you know what?
They were a little corrupt, like 1 80th as corrupt as corporate America.
Maybe you should go join a union, the Union of Soviet Socialist Republic.
And now we're reading from the book Morning Remembrance: Funny Obituaries of Real Dead People by Jim Earle.
Caleb Hammond Jr., map maker.
Caleb Hammond, former president of C.S. Hammond and Company, Map Makers, is dead after a piece of plaque took a wrong turn down a pulmonary artery and crashed into his aorta.
That was a lot funnier last month.
It's a map joke.
It's a map joke.
Plaque went down.
Got you.
I'm going to continue on with this.
I got you.
Mr. Hammond's grandfather, Caleb, started the company over a century ago with nothing more than an X and the word treasure tattooed on it.
Oh, fine.
Now you laugh.
I missed the map making part at the beginning.
I went right past that.
I also missed.
That's why we've said map maker 12 times.
We got it now.
Mr. Hammond was second only to Rand McNally in producing Atlas's pinpointing cities, towns, and countries all around the world that George W. Bush could never identify.
That's a dumb Bush joke.
Very unintelligent man.
Stop kissing your dog.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Is that your chihuahua?
This half-mini pincher.
Ruckroll.
I'm a good boy.
At any one time, more than 100 cartographers might be working for the company, each one ignoring his wife's desperate pleas to look at the map before driving any further.
In 1999, the company was sold to Langescheit Publishers, a German company that originally made its fortune selling South American travel guides to members of the SS.
Hammond requested his body be folded up like an accordion and crammed into the glove compartment of his family station.
Very nice.
All right, we did it.
All right.
So, doctors, I'm watching the, I flip over to Anderson Cooper, right?
I love him.
And he had on Dr. Drew, and they were talking about medical marijuana.
They have Andrew Sullivan is sitting there.
They have Charles Blow, the old-time rapper, now writes for the New York Times.
And so here's what they were talking about, medical marijuana.
And let's see if Dr. Drew can denigrate medical marijuana.
The problem is, is that, listen, California, unfortunately.
So here's what he says the problem is with marijuana.
The problem is that listen, California, unfortunately, is my professional use to put forward a political campaign by making it med every patient I treat with addiction has a medical marijuana license.
Everyone, anybody else?
Oh, wow.
Wow.
I guess there must be a correlation.
They probably also drink a lot of coffee.
Do you think they also have a driver's license?
They might have a driver's license.
Wait, do they all each, every one of them, they get out of bed in the morning when the sun comes up?
And they all wear cotton underwear.
I'm seeing a pattern.
Again, again, something that is nut.
So he goes on.
You know, you can ride your bike by flow your bike, but you'll get a prescription.
You only have to go in.
You're just going to hand out your hand.
And There are barkers outside of the ones in Venice Beach and pulling people in.
It's a silly thing.
I mean, it shows how silly it has become.
Yes, yes.
Yes, that's the problem, Dr. Drew, that a harmless drug that has a huge upside medically is easy to get.
Yes.
Thanks for totally misrepresenting the issue, Dr. Drew, you piece of garbage.
It's good for business.
You fraud.
You fucking fraud.
You star fucking fraud.
You purveyor of misinformation.
You fraud Dr. Drew.
Are you pals with him, Ben?
I like him.
He's horrible.
I mean, personally, but no, I don't know.
He's a jerk.
I have a lot of friends who are friends with him.
Doesn't seem fair.
Every doctor with, you know, like the first name, and that's your name, Dr. Dr. First Name.
They're quacks.
Or a molester.
Dr. Phil.
Dr. Drew.
Oh, you're right.
Dr. Nick.
Dr. Nick, yeah.
Most notorious one.
Who's Dr. Nick?
Elvis.
So Dr. Nick Riviera.
Oh, I didn't know that.
Simpson The Simpsons.
Wasn't there a Dr. Nick that treated Elvis?
That sounds right.
I'm a little surprised that Conrad Murray wasn't Dr. C. You know, it seems like it seems like that's what he was.
He got out of prison this week.
Yes, he's out.
Got out.
Yes.
Good for him, huh?
It was his Dr. Sleep, they should call him.
He was just trying to help his friend Michael.
So no one heard more about this than him.
Anyway, so here Dr. Drew goes on.
So for example, children.
So Andrew Sullivan starts to tell him, no, there's even children now who have horrible seizures who can take a derivative of the cannabinoid and they can get cured of their seizure.
I saw it.
Dr. Sanjay Gupta did a whole special on this.
So he brings this up to Dr. Drew.
So for example, children with seizures, serious seizure problems, get the resin that is very high in CBD and very low in practice, you know, for the seizure.
But look, the use of it medically is very limited.
So the medical use thing is just sort of It's very limited, trust me.
I've done it for 30 years, please.
Enough already.
So Dr. Drew says, and I don't know if you heard, he goes, the medical use is very limited.
Almost like it's nothing.
It's almost bull crap that there's a medical use for marijuana.
And then Andrew Sullivan, who's a very smart guy, well-respected writer, says, well, I don't agree with that.
He goes, trust me.
Really?
We need to trust the guy who is completely full of shit.
That's an attitude of a lot of doctors.
Yes.
Trust me.
Trust me.
He goes, I've been studying this for 30 years.
And you're still wrong.
That's what's amazing that you can study this for 30 years and someone who's in sixth grade can see through you.
And, you know, you mentioned Sanjay Gupta.
Like, it's a sign that people in the, he's a sign, the people in the medical profession can say, yeah, you know what?
I was sort of told my whole life that it's wrong and now I made a mistake.
Yeah.
And I, and I'm got that, I mean, I already like Sanjay Gupta, but it makes you like him enormously more to be able to say, you know, I think I was on the wrong side of this.
And I'm going to go on television.
I'm going to go on television and make that clear.
And at some point, at some point, I would think there's a good chance Dr. Drew does that.
I'm still pissed at Gupta for coming out against Michael Boyd.
That's a social payer.
Yes, I agree with you.
Yeah, he lost me on that, but he's coming back.
I just think he's wrong.
I just think that Sanjay Gupta is not as smart.
He's a good doctor.
He's not very smart.
But he's not very smart about policy and things like that.
He's just a person, and he's applauded.
But here's Dr. Drew who knows better.
And I don't know what he's getting out of this, but he cannot let go.
I think it's because he said it for so long now that Pot is horrible for you.
To defend him, and he's not a friend.
I mean, I don't know him.
He's been very nice when I've met him, but whatever.
But I mean, if he sees these people with addictions, right?
And this would go to not bright, but not evil.
He sees these people with addictions and he sees marijuana as part of it.
And that in these people who are in the throes of desperate addiction never want to give up their marijuana, that he decides that that's a connection.
Even though, again, you could talk to sort of scientists who would tell him otherwise.
That's one thing.
But then him going on to belittle the medical benefits of marijuana, which we don't even know all of them yet, Ben, because it's not being allowed to be studied because the government makes it illegal to study.
You have to petition the government for the marijuana so you can do a study.
And the government doesn't give you permission to do studies, which is why it hasn't been studied as much as you think it would be, because they like the shitty results they got from their horrible studies or their non-existent studies, right?
So that's what's the problem.
And that's the thing.
Dr. Drew, who says he's been studying this for 30 years, Ben, knows less about it than I do.
He didn't see Dr. Sanjay Gupta's report on CNN on the network you're on, Dr. Drew.
I saw it.
And you know, his debate still seemed to us to hinge on the phrase trust.
Trust me.
Yes.
like as soon as Andrew Sullivan started, he was like, well, there are children.
He's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, stop.
I'm giving you, he's giving you an example of how it's helping kids with seizures.
And Andrew Sullivan is providing facts after fact after fact.
And not once does Sullivan say, trust me.
Yes, he doesn't go, trust me.
Pot's good for you.
Trust me.
He gives him information.
He goes, well, look, how about this?
And by the way, when you say trust me, from a guy who's trying to scare people about pot, who says, trust me, yeah, I'll trust you, and then I'll trust the boy who cried wolf.
How about that?
Whenever I'm having a fight with my girlfriend and I say something like that, I know instantly I've lost.
Yes.
Like, I mean, I won't concede.
I'll go on and I'll crush her in the argument.
But I know in my heart of hearts that I've been defeated in that argument.
So here, Andrew Sullivan decides to wrap it up after Dr. Drew says it is very little, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Trust me.
Andrew Sullivan says this.
The actual substances within marijuana plant can be and should be examined and investigated by medical science.
No one disagrees.
We finally got an NIH trial on this use for cannabinoids for children in terms of epilepsy and seizures.
Now, why did it take so long?
Because it's still illegal, Charles.
We don't know what benefits this drug could have.
It could be The Lancet, Britain's medical journal, called it the aspirin of the 21st century.
So that tells you it's not limited.
So I don't know if you caught the last part he just said there.
He said Lance the Lancet, which is like the Journal of American Medic, their equivalent.
It's their leading medical journal in the UK, The Lancet, said that medical marijuana may be the 21st century's aspirin.
And he turns to Dr. Drew and says, so that shows you it's not limited.
And what did Dr. Drew say next?
Nothing.
There's nothing.
I don't have a clip to play of how he responded because he said nothing.
And then Anderson Cooper changed the subject.
And also when Dr. Drew says nobody disagrees with that, a ton of people disagree with that.
People like you disagree with that.
You, with the stridency of your argument, are making it impossible for these studies to go ahead.
Nobody disagrees with that.
Let's go.
Let's approve every study there is.
And let's find out if it's the new aspirin of the 21st century.
I didn't care about this issue because I don't smoke, right?
But I mean, but you hear a two-minute conversation between Dr. Drew and Andrew Sullivan, and you're like, Okay, well, one guy's 100% right and the other guy's 100% wrong.
100% wrong.
And he's the doctor.
He's the guy telling you, trust me.
Whenever somebody has to say, trust me, exactly.
Especially when the guy on the other side of the argument is giving you facts and figures and studies.
How limited could it be if it's like if everyone who's ever had cancer and gone on chemo, if 90% of them say chemo is the worst thing that ever happened to me, it was worse than the cancer, right?
And then there's one thing that we know makes them feel better.
How could it possibly be limited?
How could that be limited?
So every person who has AIDS and cancer, it works for them, but still limited.
Yeah, because so few people get cancer in AIDS.
But also, if it works on something that horrible.
Yeah, imagine what it'll do for your flu.
That's what I say.
That's a very good point.
That's what I, I'll tell you what it does for my flu.
Kicks its ass.
Or when you're well and everything's going fine, it works great then, too.
Again.
All right.
That is the show for this week.
Hey, guess what is coming up?
We have a phone call from the Pope and the premium content.
Here's a little something.
Hey, holy guacamole, you shut down the whole country?
That's crazy.
What if I shut down Catolison?
Oh, for the next two weeks, you don't have to feel the shame of your own body.
You can use contraceptive and the boys can get married.
That would be cook crazy for Coco Pop.
Fucking no way, man.
So that is coming up in this week's premium content along with our debunking of the bullshit NBC report on Obamacare and some more stuff that's this way.
How do I get the premium content, Jimmy?
What does it cost?
Well, it's $5 a month.
And it gives you access to all the premium content going back to March now, okay?
And all you do is you go to the website, jimmydorkomedy.com, you click on premium.
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You can sign up for a full year.
You save five bucks that way.
Or because we throw in a free month, right?
Yes, we do.
So, or you could go by monthly, $5 a month, the price of a $5 cup of coffee.
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And thanks to everyone already doing that and taking advantage of the Amazon box.
Okay, that's it for this week.
I'll see you guys in Burbank next week at the Flapper Comedy Club, next Friday and Saturday, and on the 30th of November at the Improv and right there in Hollywood on Melrose and Prescott Heights.
Links for all those shows are at jimmydoorcomedy.com.
Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Mike McRae, Steve Rosenfield, Robert Yasimura, Jim Earl, Steph Samurano, Mark Van Landuick.
And the voice, all the voices today performed by the inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcrae.com.
Okay, that's it for this week.
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