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April 19, 2013 - Jimmy Dore Show
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The Jimmy Dore show starts right now.
In the past eight days, two bombs exploded at the Boston Marathon.
The Senate defeated a gun control bill and Jonathan Winters died.
I apologize for leaving out all the other bad things that happened.
At this point in time, those responsible for the Boston bombing are still at large.
I think liberals would prefer they be right-wing survivalists, while conservatives would root for Middle Eastern jihadists because it had helped keep Guantanamo open for another 10 or 20 years.
Since 9-11, even a vague threat of terrorism sends many Americans into an existential panic, often expressing itself in a desire to indiscriminately round people up.
Of course, many conservatives have this desire during peacetime.
Ironically, the Senate vote against background checks only proves that the gun lobby is a greater threat to public safety than terrorism because there are way more guns and terrorists.
The Senate essentially voted for even more gun owners, though mass shootings are much more common and more deadly than what happened in Boston.
So we've already found the culprits behind this other kind of terrorism, the senators from red states who were more worried about the next election than what 91% of Americans wanted.
My point is, I miss Jonathan Winters.
It's hard to lose a comedian because they take your mind off all that other stuff.
Yeah.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
Up-minded, lowly-lovered lapis.
The kind of people that are...
Comments maybe on Terry Downer Nation.
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you guys.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's episode.
I'm joined on the phone from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's TV's Frank, Frank Connoff.
Hi, Frank.
How are you?
Hello there.
All right.
It's good to hear your voice.
Across the glass from me, former writer for The Daily Show and the author of Morning Remembrance, funny obituaries of real dead people.
It's Ham Radio's Jim Earl.
Hi, Jim.
How are you?
Hey, Jimmy, stop the haters.
Stop the haters.
I will.
I'm going to stop him.
And next to him, hilarious comedian from Team Yasamur.
It's Robert Yasamur.
How are you, Japanese man?
Up with the haters.
Up with the haters.
Look at that.
We got conflict already.
He does.
Across from him, it's the host of Comedy and Everything Else, our resident Latina.
It's Steph Zamarano.
Hi, Steph.
Hey, Jimmy.
I just want everybody to know I'm a believer.
Oh, right.
Take that.
Take that.
Next to a former writer for the Daily Show, hilarious comedian.
It's Steve Rosenfield.
Hi, Steve.
Hey, Jim.
How you doing?
It's great to be here.
I'm good.
Good to see you.
It is great to be here.
That's not funny.
That was sincere.
That was sincere.
Okay, by the way.
Not anymore.
Did you hear what happened with Justin Bieber?
He signed.
He wants us to visit the Anne Frank house, and he signed in by saying he would like to think she would be a believer, meaning a fan of his, right?
And Frank, did you hear what they're doing with that guest book?
Well, I heard that they're moving it from the Anne Frank house to the Museum of Narcissism.
Yes, they are.
So let's talk about this.
So they finally have it identified, but they got on the tape, they got two suspects in the Boston bombing.
And, you know, if people now stop wearing baseball caps backwards, at least some tiny bit of good will come out of this tragedy.
It's really funny if you've seen the tape.
If you've seen, by the time people hear this, they will have seen the picture of that guy.
In fact, did you hear the CNN boy doing some yeoman's job, some great journalism, right?
I don't know if you heard they got everything wrong yesterday a couple of times.
CNN, the N stands for knowledge.
And they actually changed their graphic from a suspect under arrest to wouldn't it be cool if there was a suspect under arrest?
So there is no arrest so far, but there is official confirmation that Fox and CNN don't know what the fuck they're talking about.
So true.
Did you hear, Jim, that they also appointed some officials that are currently studying surveillance videos of your career to find out what the hell happened to it?
Whoever wrote that is hysterically funny.
There is a hotline number to call if you've seen his career anywhere.
If you recognize his career.
My career was last seen wearing a backwards baseball cap.
Come on, there's somebody out there who's seen, there's a friend, there's a relative, there's a neighbor, there's a janitor.
Somebody's seen Jim Earl's career.
I've seen him bomb.
That's right.
Damn it.
All right, so what's coming up on today's show?
Well, gun reform got 54 votes and anti-gun reform got 46 votes.
So, of course, no gun reform.
No gun reform.
Because that's how it works in America.
And Barack Obama is not going to be deterred.
We're going to check into all the gun.
We're going to talk about Ted Cruz and all the bad things that people are saying about gun reform.
Plus, Louie Gohmert has another reason.
Republican Representative Louie Gohmert has another reason for all to hate Al Qaeda and Mexicans.
Plus, the media fail in Boston.
We're going to check that out.
Phone calls today from Barack Obama, drunk Bill O'Reilly, and Luke Russert.
That's a lot, lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
Plus, torture.
Time for another installment of Oh My God.
So, this week's Oh My God, we're going to not talk about a religious person.
We're going to go to a DJ, a guy who hosts the show.
And that's the Davis and Emmer show.
This is from Bob Davis from the Davis and Emmer show in the Twin Cities.
Frank, you're going to...
Frank.
Yeah, it's from my old stomping grounds.
Yeah.
So, aren't you going to be there this Saturday?
Not this Saturday.
In a few weeks, I'm going to be there with Liz Winstead, May 21st.
Oh, May 21st.
In the Twin Cities, look for the big comedy show.
Where's the venue?
It's like the Loring Park Women's Club, I don't know.
Oh, wow.
Okay, well, good luck.
I'll just swing that sweet kid.
Yeah.
How do you...
Ed Harriot is going to be...
Margaret Dumont.
Margaret Dumont.
I'll give you a fistful of pardons.
Hey.
So, here's what he said.
So, he was talking about the gun debate, this guy, Bob Davis, on AM Talk, 1130, Twin Cities.
so uh and here's just let's listen to what he has to say he was upset that the victims of the newtown uh tragedy actually decided to participate in in the democracy and become good citizens and uh petition their government and uh they were upset people are upset that the people who are directly affected by legislation would want to have influence on that legislation.
And here's what Bob Davis has to say from David Ember.
Here's the other thing that drives me crazy.
They trot out the victims.
And I have something I want to say to the victims of Newtown or any other shooting.
I don't care if it's here in Minneapolis or anyplace else.
First of all, I like that you have anger in your voice towards people who just lost their five-year-old kid in a horrific shooting.
Why wouldn't you be pissed off at them?
I would.
Because a bad thing happened to you doesn't mean that you get to put a king in charge of my life.
And that's exactly what's happening.
That's not hyperbole at all, is it?
That's not almost criminal hyperbole, is it?
You would have put a king in charge of his life.
Or do you want to make sure he's not a crazy person or a felon the next time he wants to buy a gun?
Those are the same things.
Those are the same things, right, Steve?
Here we go.
We got more.
Sorry that you suffered a tragedy, but you know what?
Deal with it and don't force me to lose my liberty, which is a greater tragedy than your loss.
Greater tragedy.
Wow.
He doesn't sound that sorry.
Six-year-old, 20 of the six-year-olds who were greater tragedy that this guy would have to actually do a background check.
Greater tragedy.
Losing your child is not as big a tragedy as his life, of which no changes will happen whatsoever.
Whatsoever.
He's afraid he'll lose his kid, Gat.
Yes.
I think this guy having a radio show is the biggest tragedy of all.
It's right up there.
Hang on, he's got more to say.
I don't know what radio show station he's on, but if they don't fire him for this, the people who run the station are bigger jerks than he is.
Well, wait, we haven't even gotten to the end of it yet, Frank.
Hang on, there's more.
He's got more to say.
I'm sick and tired of seeing these victims trotted out, given rides on Air Force One, hauled into the Senate well, and everyone is just afraid.
They're terrified of these victims.
They're so terrified, they voted down gun regulation.
They're so intimidated.
They didn't give a shit.
They're so scaredy cats of them that they voted down something that has a 91% approval.
This guy is good.
I can see whoever gave this guy a talk show is smart.
Very smart.
And by the way, who listens to these people?
And they're in every city.
They're in every city.
This is like those jerk-offs on AM640 here in Los Angeles and every other channel, by the way, in Los Angeles, except for one.
It's like that's just full of morons like this.
But they're the people who spend money on gold.
On gold, you're right.
You're right.
Which, by the way, tanked this week.
You'll never go broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people.
By the way, you know, the sucker born every minute, right?
Yes.
Yes.
But he said people, they're trotting these guys out.
All these people showed up in D.C. on their own dime of their own volition.
No one trotted them out.
It didn't sound like there's an actual organized anti-gun movement.
There isn't.
I got to tell you, we're not.
Well, that's the problem.
And he's sick and tired of them.
That's what I like.
There's more to say.
It hasn't gotten.
It gets fatigued real easily.
It gets a little worse.
I would stand in front of them and tell them they're being used.
Go to hell.
He would tell them to go to hell.
The Newtown victim, the parents.
What's this guy's name again?
You know what?
Let me back it up so we'll get a nice running start on this.
It says, this is Bob Davis on.
Well, and everyone is just afraid.
They're terrified of these victims.
I would stand in front of them and tell them they're being used.
Go to hell.
It's probably.
Yes, that's what he would tell them.
Oh, wait a minute.
I'm getting an update.
Hang on in my ear, Frank.
Oh, Bob Davis has been fired, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh, well, that's good.
He is the second.
Bob Davis is the second KSTP AM radio personality in less than a week to have his talk show canceled.
That's an excellent start.
Program director Steve Conrad would not say whether Davis had been fired or quit.
His last day on the air was Tuesday.
Conrad said that Davis's replacement will be revealed on Thursday at 9 a.m.
And listeners will hear two men who are new to the Twin Cities radio, but not new to Upper Midwest radio.
Anyway, that was that.
It's the morning.
It's the morning radio DJ teen of Hitler and Lusoline.
Dave Thompson, whose KSTP talk show was canceled last week, announced Tuesday that he has entered the race to become the next state chair of the Minnesota Republican Party.
So you go right from the AM talk right into this.
That's nice.
It's nice.
They've got some real conservatives out there in Minnesota, let me tell you, because it's always been known as a liberal state.
It's where Hubert Humphrey is from.
It's where Paul Wellstone is from.
And they're both dead.
They're both dead, exactly.
But there is people like Hugh Hewitt.
You know who he is?
Yes.
He's a very conservative talk guy, a big conservative guy.
He works out of Minneapolis.
Well, it's Bachmann country, too.
Bachman.
Let's move on.
Louis Gomert was on C-SPAN, which is fun.
It's funny to see Louis Gomert on C-SPAN.
Louis Gomert was my favorite character on Mayberry RF.
Seeing Louis Gomert on C-SPAN is like seeing Fred Flintstone in a library.
It's like, who are you trying to fool?
Are you running a scam with Mr. Kazoo?
What are you doing?
What are you doing here?
So he went on and he was talking about immigration.
And Louis Gomert, if you don't know, is a crazy maniac right-winger who's just about as sane as that guy I just played from the radio.
Right, right.
And he's anti-immigration, of course, right?
Here's what he has to say about why he wants to secure the border because you've got to look out for this.
This is what's happening, according to Louis Gohan.
We know Al-Qaeda has camps over with the drug cartels on the other side of the Mexican border.
We know that people are now being trained to come in and act like Hispanic when they're radical Islamists.
So he knows that the Al-Qaeda are coming in here and being trained to act Hispanic.
No, he said act like Hispanic.
And I know that we have one in our midst here named Stephanie.
Yes.
I've known her many times that she acts like Hispanic.
Yes.
By the way, Stephanie, that suicide vest looks great.
You know, it makes sense because at the turn of the century, a lot of Italians came in acting like the Irish.
Yes, they did.
To lull us into a state of confused everybody.
And there were even a few Irish who were speaking enough to act sober.
Right.
And then, remember when the Lithuanians were trying to be Polish and then the Polish people were still trying to be Polish since they're Polish and failing at being Polish?
That's very offensive.
So let's hear, let's hear, I know.
I'm going to guess that the facts that he's got are coming straight from the John Birch Society.
Is that your nickname for his asshole?
Yeah.
Okay.
I'll bet it's a matter of fact.
Anybody got any John Birch paper?
Okay, so here, let's listen to it one more time.
What do you have to say about it?
Well, we know Al-Qaeda has camps over with their drug cartels on the other side of the Mexican border.
We know that people are now being trained to come in and act like Hispanic when they're radical Islamists.
Yeah, that's another reason to keep the Mexicans out.
A lot of them are Al-Qaeda, effing Mexicans.
Am I right?
Now they're even taking terrorist jobs.
They don't care who they are.
There's no end to it.
They don't care.
These people, they're worse than Dennis Miller.
They don't care who they work for.
I like he says that.
So, so watch out because most of those al-Qaedas can't even make a decent enchilada.
That's how you know.
That's how you know.
And these so-called Latinos are trying to crash our economy by taking low-paying jobs and working as hard as they can.
We're onto them.
I'm onto them.
You know what, Jimmy?
I heard they're already working on their own film, too.
A Day Without My Al-Qaeda.
A Day Without My Al-Qaeda, sure.
They're trying to take over the country one papoosa stand at a time.
It's insidious.
Papusa jokes.
Here they're just dressing up as big bees.
Killer big bees.
You know, you can tell the Al-Qaeda Mexicans because they speak Farsi and drive cabs.
This has been, oh my God.
Oh, my God.
The Jimmy Dora show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
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And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Thank you.
Okay, so we're going to talk about the gun reform failure this week that happened.
Now, here's Ted Cruz.
Right now, he voted against the background checks on people who are crazy.
What?
Shocking.
And so here is his reason for it.
Here is Ted Cruz.
He's bravely standing up for the 10% of Americans whose campaign money just beat the other 90%.
Funny how that works.
Here we go.
You decide you want to sell your shotgun and you put an advertisement in Craigslist under that bill.
Before you can do so, you have to go through the federal government background check.
Wow.
And why should a federal government get between you and the psychopath who wants to buy your gun?
It's not right.
That's not right.
Is it fair?
I ask you, is it fair to make a law-abiding citizen go through a background check when he doesn't give a shit who he's selling his gun to?
If I don't care, why should anybody?
I ask you.
It's not like when you sell your car, you don't have to have any.
Oh, wait a minute.
Yes, you do.
Oh, yeah, it's exactly like that.
You do have to.
I just don't.
So here, Ted Cruz doesn't want people to be inconvenienced when they are selling guns to strangers that they hook up with on the internet.
There's never anyone weird on the internet.
That just makes good sense, right, Frank?
Yes, you know, in fact, the Newtown shooter put an item in Miss Connections after that was one of those jokes that if Jim Earl would laugh, he would have.
If he was a laugher, he would have laughed.
Because he laughed inside.
He laughed inside.
He has to laugh inside.
He has to get his organs pitch a lot.
Boy, you're really dumping on the Earl today.
No, I'm loving it.
I don't like the Hayden.
The Hayden.
I'm loving the Jim Earl today.
Hey, let's not forget the stranger who buys your gun and uses it to commit some horrible tragedy.
His money is just as good as anybody's.
It's just money.
The money doesn't know.
I mean, yes, if we put these background checks in, Steve, criminals are always going to find ways of getting guns.
And it's the law-abiding citizens who are going to be cheated out of a sale.
And they need that cash.
That's right.
So if we sell guns to psychopaths, if we make it hard for them to buy them, it just makes them that angrier when they have the guns.
So we want things to be as calm as possible when our psychos who want to go on murdering screes buy guns.
Now, here's what I agree with all that, by the way.
And Frank, are you familiar with the bill?
As far as I know, the bill just had background checks.
In fact, it even had an exemption.
If you had to sell a gun to your neighbor or to your brother or your cousin, you didn't have to do a background check if you knew the person you were selling it to and it was a relative or a close friend.
They put that exemption in.
That was the compromise.
Yes, and so what Ted Cruz was doing was lying.
Right.
He was lying.
And I guess it's bad manners for a reporter to shout at him, you're lying, and we all know it.
But did you see that Barry Barack Obama is going to keep fighting for gun legislation, even though the Republicans are filibustering it?
He doesn't care.
He seems pumped up about it.
He seems like he's going to go fight for a bill that benefits our nation's people instead of the corporation.
This is Barack Obama I'm talking about.
He's going to go fight for this bill.
He seemed amped up, ready for the fight, even though the votes aren't there.
Even though it's already lost in the Senate, he's going to fight on.
Well, here's what he said.
Barack is not going to let the opposition, the Republican opposition, win this one.
Here's what he said.
Effort is not over.
I want to make it clear to the American people.
We can still bring about meaningful changes that reduce gun violence, so long as the American people don't give up on it.
See?
Just don't give up.
If it's important, Barack Obama says don't give up on it.
Just keep fighting.
Even though they lost the fight this time legislatively, he knows it's the right thing, so he's going to keep fighting for it.
He won't be deterred.
Listen to what he says.
He won't be deterred.
I believe we're going to be able to get this done.
See?
Sooner or later, we are going to get this right.
The memories of these children demand it, and so are the American people.
So if at first you don't succeed, try again.
I think that's Barack Obama's motto, isn't it, when it comes to legislation?
If you can't get what you want, keep trying.
Take your case to the American people.
Have them pressure their legislators, right?
Isn't that what he does all the time?
Yes.
Single payer?
Like single, yeah, like public options, single payer, social security, card check, the unions, regulation of Wall Street, all that stuff.
He takes the case to the people.
Wait a minute.
He never does any of that stuff.
Why this time?
This is my question.
Why this bill?
Hang on.
He's got a little bit more to say.
Hang on.
Let's hear what he has to say about it.
And I see this as just round one.
So that's just round one.
So he lost that one.
It's just round one.
You know, just like when he lost the first round on public option and he kept trying until, oh, wait, he never tried.
He never, they never even had a vote on it.
He gave up on it before they even started.
Is it why?
I think a lot of these gunshot victims could use that public option right now.
How about it?
That'd be nice.
I thought my question, and I'm serious, I can't get over this, and I'm fighting the instinct to make the whole show about this topic and this question, which is when does Barack Obama fight for anything he believes in?
I've never seen him fight for anything ever.
I thought it was all about the votes.
And if you don't have the votes, you have to give up.
Like with the public option, raising the debt ceiling.
But he doesn't have the votes, and he's going to fuck.
I think that he believes that this is a winning issue for him.
And that even though they lost, it's the, you know, a lot of people today were saying, you know, this was actually not a great day for the NRA because they overplayed their hand.
The NRA would have probably done themselves a favor if they had been reasonable about this.
Yes.
He said, okay, background checks are okay.
We don't want the assault weapons, but it's common sense for background checks, so let's do it.
But no, they went all out and they actually won this vote.
But now their popularity with the public is they're the second most despised organization after Nambla right now.
Yes, yes.
So this isn't really courage, right?
Because he never fought for the public option because he said the votes weren't there.
He never did put on that comfortable shoe and get on the picket line with the teachers in Wisconsin or the union members in Michigan, by the way.
But for some reason, and I think it's all political, he's going to fight for this one.
He's going to make it look like it's coming from his heart, though, when it's really coming from his head.
And why not fight for the other things?
Is my question.
Why not fight for bank reform?
Why not fight to prosecute war crimes or to make sure that they never happen again?
Are war crimes not as important as gun bills?
If Obama fights for bank reform, he's going up against his employers.
Yes.
Yes.
If he goes up against bank reform, he's going up against a powerful group that can put, you know, that could crush the, could potentially crush him.
Whereas gun reform, it's like even most people in the NRA want these background checks.
I'm just saying that I would like to see him fight for prosecuting war crimes.
I would like to see him fight for bank reform.
I would like to see him fight for Medicare for all, which would save way more lives than this gun reform.
In order to see that, you're going to have to wait for Philip K. Dick to come back from the alternate history side by not.
It would be nice.
I'm saying it would be nice to see.
This is what we people have been waiting for Barack Obama to do about every other issue, except for some reason, this is the one he decided.
And it's because it's the easiest one.
It's because of the one 90% of the people are behind him.
It's exactly what Frank's saying.
He knows it's a political winner for him.
And the NRA are totally mishandling this and misplaying their hand on this.
Oh, and this, by the way, this bill was totally symbolic.
It doesn't do a thing.
So when I was watching Barack Obama give this speech, right?
And I don't know if everybody here saw it, but I saw it from start to finish.
And I couldn't help but keep thinking that to myself.
Like, why, wouldn't it be nice?
Like these words he's using.
For instance, what's it going to take to get this?
What's it going to take to get this passed, Barack?
And that requires strength.
And it requires persistence.
You know, something I have never done before in the five years of my presidency for anything.
Here's what he says about that.
And that's the one thing that these families should have inspired in all of us.
I still don't know how they have been able to muster up the strength to do what they've been doing over the last several weeks, last several months.
That's right, because I haven't even mustered up the courage to stand up to Timothy Geithner.
You think that I could learn a few things from these people.
And here's what he says about the NRA.
Jimmy, he's not going to stop.
What?
He's not going to stand up to Timothy Geithner because he hired him.
I know.
Here we go.
But instead of supporting this compromise, the gun lobby and its allies willfully lied about the bill.
And they did lie.
And when I heard him say that, I'm like, why didn't you say this last week when you came out to propose cuts in Social Security and Medicare?
Why didn't you call the people who were saying that Social Security added to the deficit?
Why didn't you call them liars?
Why didn't you say those were liars?
You know what, Jimmy, that last soundbite might be the answer to the key to it because Obama is actually making a very passionate speech on behalf of a compromise.
And that's what gets the passion.
That's hilarious, Frank.
That is exactly what it is.
Barack Obama is passionate about a compromise.
Siri, Barack is taking Obama.
President of the United States, man.
Are they goddamn kidding me with this shit?
I don't get angry, man.
I got a creepy flat affect about pretty much everything.
And this gun bill shit has got me doing Nicholson at the end of a few good men.
Really, Senate?
You can't pass the least controversial bill in the history of the Republic.
We wrote this thing to be so toothless, it was impossible to oppose.
A goddamn psychotic five-year-old could have bought an Uzi out of this thing.
I saw a bill to make August 3rd National Ham Awareness Day.
That would have affected more people than this thing.
You could have voted for this and talked out of both sides of your mouth to the midterms, but no.
You assholes evidently drank all the fucking Kool-Aid.
You don't like health care for the poor?
Okay.
You want to lie about death panels?
Go nuts.
You don't want to raise taxes on the wealthiest Americans?
Fine.
Key Verooney.
I will even offer the throat of Social Security to you assholes.
Look, I'm a city president.
Even I got to draw the line on this one.
We make it mildly harder for felons and guys still wearing hospital bracelets to get an AK.
Even a Michelle Bachman or a head injury patient could figure that one out.
Guess what, motherfucker?
This shit ain't over.
And all right, you're my new bitch.
Brian Paul, get out on the corner and start earning because you're my bitch.
Well, Senator John Cornyn, you're my new antalady.
You got a lot of cold nights ahead of you.
And all the rest of you, you've been warned.
I will give in to every crazy demand you make unless it is a totally ineffective, purely symbolic action to make me look like I can do something.
You got that?
Yeah, I thought so.
Pultus!
Ha!
Yeah!
No!
you you Boy, the president really has a potty mouth today, doesn't he?
Oof.
Boy, oh boy.
Anyway, that was the inimitable Mike McRae doing the voice of Barack Obama in a sketch written by Robert Yasamura.
And, you know, I want to let everybody know that this show is made possible by the generous support of our listeners.
There's two main ways to help support the show.
The easiest way, is there a way that doesn't cost Me any money, Jimmy?
Yes.
Well, what's that way?
That way, is the next time you want to buy something from Amazon.com.
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Isn't that something?
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There's another way.
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All right.
Second half of the show, lots of fun stuff coming up.
We're going to have a phone call from Bill O'Reilly, and he calls in drunk.
Plus, Luke Russard calls in to let us know about his speculation over the Boston tragedy.
And there's a lot more on the Jimmy Door show.
So here's a genius.
The guy does a sports show with Boomer Assayason.
His name is Carton Craig Carton, I think is his full name.
And so here, you know, here's what he had to say about after the bombings happened, right?
So this guy's a pretty level.
I like what he has to say because he's pretty level-headed.
Let's see what he has to say.
This is my own personal feelings.
I don't know how you view it as anything other than a terrorist attack.
And then you keep having that conversation on this radio show because it's your own personal beliefs.
I don't want any of this to be political.
I have very strong beliefs that if you catch someone who did it, there's no trial and you kill them.
Good plan.
He has very strong beliefs that if you find the guy that did it, there's no trial.
You just kill him.
Because in emotional cases like this, we have to be very careful we don't give into our hysterical lunatic urge to give the defendant a fair trial.
It's always a hazard.
Where were all these common sense people like this guy when we were wasting our time writing the Constitution?
This is, he's got a little bit more to say.
Let's hear him.
That's just how I feel, though.
And I know that goes against the way a lot of people believe, but just my own personal sensibilities, find out the person that did it.
If you know 100% from Bleep Sure that that's the person that did it, get in that person.
Yeah, if you're 100% sure, how are you 100% sure if that's the, yeah, because I like how he thinks.
You kill them without a trial because trials aren't used to determine guilt or innocence.
Trials are just for show after we got the guy we know who did it.
And in this case, we don't need the show.
Is that what he's saying?
And here's a guy, and I'll bet you a zillion dollars that this guy hates the government encroachment in our lives, hates government regulation, said stuff like, you want the government to run healthcare?
Then it's going to be like the DMV.
So he fears government-run healthcare, but government-run killings without a trial, he's all on board for.
And I'm also, I'll guarantee you that he's only seen the first half of the Oxbow incident.
I don't know what the Oxbow incident is.
It's a great movie about a guy being lynched.
Oh, oh, okay.
Henry Fond, right?
Everyone in the mob, everyone in the mob in the Oxford incident sounds just like this guy.
Really?
And then they, not to spoiler warning.
They hang Dana Andrews and Anthony Quinn and one other guy, and then they ride back to town to the sheriff who tells them, hey, we just caught the guy who did it.
No kidding.
Yeah.
No kidding.
Oh.
And then it's a big, you know, it's a big, very anti-it's a great movie if you ever get a chance, watch.
You know, that's the problem with our judicial system.
It's way too slow, and it forces us to calm down and put away our pitchforks.
Don't you see?
You can't give guilty people a trial, Frank, because it prevents an angry mob from tearing them apart with their bare hands.
Which an angry mom really enjoys.
Yes.
He's not being political.
I always say that.
You know, I'm not political.
Yeah.
He just wishes that America was more like a fascist dictatorship.
That's all.
That's all.
Just a little bit more.
Not much.
Okay, so that was that, guys.
By the way, I really love the fact that he said, be bleeping sure.
He said bleeping on purpose.
I was like, yeah, you wouldn't want to say an offensive word, but saying that you should murder someone flat out without a trial, totally fine.
Totally not against any of our principles or values.
And so there was this ATF guy who we should play it.
So here he is talking about, they were bringing this ATF guy on, and they were talking about blowing stuff up, and he studied bombs.
And let's just listen to his French, shall we?
He's got a little French.
Jeff and the FBI and bomb squad detectives have been blowing up things for 50 years in training.
By the way, that's Chris Hayes laughing.
You ever hear a nerd laugh?
Listen to the, this is Chris Hayes.
It's a nerd.
ETF and the FBI and bomb squad detectives have been blowing up things for 50 years in training.
I could play that over and over, ready?
Up things for 50 years in training.
Some training.
Let's play it one more time.
Okay, here we go.
Blowing up things for 50 years in training.
Sounds like one of those pug dogs.
Yeah, it's like Maria Bamford's pug.
Will it be funny one more time if I play it one more time?
It's all 50 years in training.
It was.
I guess the rule is I have to keep playing it till it's not funny.
Isn't that the rule, Frank?
I think that's the rest of the day.
Have been blowing up things for 50 years in training.
Okay, it's not funny anymore.
I have on the phone right now MSNBC news correspondent Luke Russert.
Luke, thanks so much for taking Time out of your busy schedule to join us here today.
Jimmy, my man.
What a week, huh?
I tell you what, that Boston Marathon sure tested my metal as a reporter.
Well, Luke, let me read your tweet from that day, okay?
You tweeted, and I'm quoting, I was at Fenway Park with my dad and Mike Barnacle during Waco, which was on Patriots Day in 1993, speculating on possible link.
That was what you tweeted that day.
Yeah, pretty awesome, huh?
Look, I knew this is a big story.
So, as a TV news reporter, it was my job to immediately start speculating.
I won't brag, but I took a wild guess about what happened quicker than anyone else.
It's what we in the news business call a scoop.
Yeah, but Luke, as a reporter, facts are important.
I mean, aren't facts important to you at all, right?
Well, totally.
I love facts.
That's why I'll use any fact that I happen to pull out of my ass at any given moment.
But what did a ball game that you went to when you were a kid have to do with the events in Boston?
Can you explain that to me?
Isn't it obvious, Jimmy?
No, it's not.
The Boston Marathon was a sporting event, and so is the ball game my dad and I went to at Fenway with Mike Barnacle.
By the way, Mike is something of a mentor to me.
How so?
I remember at that game you showed me the team program and patiently explained to me how one would go about plagiarizing.
Nothing like learning from the pros, huh, Luke?
Hell yeah.
You know, this Boston Marathon bombing has been especially hard on Mike Barnacle.
It's awful when a tragedy happens in a city you disgraced yourself in.
Hey, speaking of disgrace, what are your feelings about John King at CNN?
John King?
Yeah.
Look, when it comes to broadcast journalism, I am relatively new.
The key phrase there being relative.
Hello.
I don't know what you mean, but my point is, I'm aware that I have a lot to learn.
I know that it takes years of experience to get a story as long as John King did.
I'm not there yet.
But it's good to have something to aspire to.
Dare to dream, Luke.
Listen, I will say this about your tweet.
I personally hope the bomber will turn out to be a homegrown right-wing nut, but I wouldn't post a tweet about it because I don't have any facts to back that up.
You see what I'm saying?
And that, my friend, is why you're on a podcast busting your ass for premium subscribers.
And I have a six-figure part-time network job.
A part-time network job?
Hell yeah.
All I have to do is go on the air a couple of times a day and talk about what I just read on Politico.
All in all, I hardly work more than 45 minutes a day.
It's a pretty sweet setup.
All I have to do is hang in there until I get my own show, and then I'll really be on Easy Street.
Beep, beep.
How so?
How will you be on Easy Street?
Come on.
Once you get your own show, all you got to do is read what's in the teleprompter and say, both sides do it.
Every 15 minutes or so.
And really good at saying both sides do it.
Both sides do it.
Okay, Luke.
Both sides do it.
Okay.
Both sides do it.
Both sides do it.
All right, Luke, get a hold of yourself.
All right.
Paul's all doing it too.
Okay.
All right, Luke.
Both sides do it.
All right.
Luke, Luke, okay.
But do you really think that Rachel Maddow and Chris Hayes don't work hard at their jobs?
You make a good point, Jimmy.
Chris Hayes, or as I call him, Dorkington B. Nerdlinger, is the kind of smart dude that always does his homework.
It's like he's got his job purely through merit and hard work or something.
Man, that scares the shit out of me.
But when he first joined MSMSC, I treated him with the professional respect he deserves.
Really?
What did you do?
I showed his head down a toilet and gave a swirly.
He was gasping for air, and I was like, hey, Dorkington, the water's coming from both sides.
Both sides do it.
Both sides do it.
Serves you right, nerdlinger.
He was awesome.
I hope you don't do anything like that to Rachel Maddow, right?
You wouldn't do anything like that to Rachel Maddow, would you, Luke?
Oh, no, no way, never.
Why?
Look, my dad brought me up Catholic, and I grew up knowing a lot of nuns.
So as a result, I've always been very comfortable around lesbians.
Okay, Luke Russert, thanks for taking time with us today.
Really appreciate it, buddy.
Thank you, Jimmy.
And remember, both sides do it.
Okay, Luke Russer.
The Jimmy Doer show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Hey, I want to take this time out to remind everybody if you're in the Los Angeles area or if you're going to be, next Saturday, April 27th, last Saturday in April, we're doing the Big Jimmy Door show at the improv in Hollywood on Melrose and Crescent Heights.
That's right.
You want to come see the big show?
We're going to have Paul Gilmartin's going to be doing his jackass Republican character.
I will be interviewing him.
And that's always a lot of fun.
Plus, we're going to have a couple of my good comedy buddies, Dwayne Perkins, also a Chicagoan.
And you've seen him on his own Comedy Central special.
He's hilarious.
Dwayne Perkins will be there.
Plus, Gene Pompa, one of my all-time favorites, Gene Pompa.
You've seen him on Conan O'Brien many times.
We taped our first half-hour specials together in New York City a couple years ago.
So that's Gene Pompa will be there, Paul Gilmartin, Dwayne Perkins.
Of course, I will be there, plus lots more surprises.
We've always had surprises on the show.
People drop in.
We've had Doug Benson drop in and Todd Glass and Greg Proops and Bill Burr.
Lots of people drop in to do a set on the show.
So that's April 27th.
That's the last Saturday of this month.
We're going to be at the improv 8 p.m. show.
There's a link for tickets at the website, JimmyDoorComedy.com, okay?
That is what I wanted to remind you guys of.
Okay.
So I hope to see you there April 27th.
And if you're in Los Angeles or if you're going to be in Los Angeles, it's a great, great way to spend a Saturday night, April 27th, 8 p.m.
Links for tickets to the big show at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Okay, let's get back to the show.
We got a Bill O'Reilly phone call coming up.
Hi, welcome back to the Jimmy Door Show.
I'm joined in the studio by a couple of former writers for the Daily Show, hilarious comedians Steve Rosenfield and Jim Earle, plus from Team Yasamura.
It's Robert Yasamura and the host of Comedy and Everything Else, Steph Samurano, is here with us.
And we have on the phone from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and now the John Fiegelsing show.
It's TV's Frank Frank Conniff is with us.
So this is a great if you're going to have a, if you're a torturer and you're going to have a torture report be released, what a better week than have it be this week, correct?
Right?
Oh my God, yes.
So the Boston terrorist.
Pay attention to it.
It was the perfect cover to release the big report on torture, which they did this week, and nobody paid attention to it.
And it's funny because this report on torture was spurred by a terrorist attack that caused us to torture people.
And it was released on the same week as there was another terrorist attack that made people want to torture people.
And the report got almost zero coverage in the news.
And it really, the report really ripped Obama for aiding and abetting after the facts.
So here's how Brian Regan caught it.
It's funny.
It was called the Constitutional Report.
Did you say Brian Reagan?
Did I say Brian Regan?
Brian Regan covering?
I meant Brian Williams.
Okay, I'm sorry.
It'd be awesome if Brian Reagan recovering it.
Here's how Brian Williams.
30 seconds was given to the torture report.
30 seconds, and here it is.
Ready?
What's up with torture this week, Brian?
So by the way, by the way, this was a bipartisan group, right?
So they got people from Congress.
They got Senator Aza Hutchinson, right, a Republican.
They got Democrats and Republicans, completely bipartisan commission to investigate torture from the Clinton administration, the Bush administration, and the Obama administration.
And here's what they had to say.
Here's Brian Williams.
Take it away.
Bipartisan Review Board has found it indisputable in their words that the United States has engaged in the practice of torture since 9-11.
And you know what's even more indisputable is that nobody will ever be investigated, tried, or go to jail for committing war crimes that are now widely documented, but severely underreported.
Keep going, Brian.
Tell us more about it.
Say the highest officials in our country bear responsibility and share responsibility for it.
So when he says the highest officials, he means the president of the United States, right?
The president and the vice president.
That's what he means?
Right?
So we'd love to go after the war criminals, or as George W. calls them, war crimers.
But we don't go after our presidents for war crimes and junk.
We go after them for committing horror crimes with their junk.
Nice.
Thank you.
Thank you.
That's me.
I'm going to start recording now.
Okay, here we go.
By the way, was this a report called duh?
Right, right.
No kidding, right?
No duh.
But at least it kept us safe, right?
Did torture keep our soldiers safe, Brian?
Ford says torture has damaged the standing of our nation on top of potentially increasing the danger to U.S. military personnel taken captive.
Yeah, so no, I guess it didn't keep us safe.
But at least we got good information out of it.
I mean, you torture somebody, you get some good information.
On top of all of it, the commission found no evidence that torture ever yielded any key information.
No information that we are any safer because of it.
Okay, so that was the 30 seconds they spent this week on the biggest torture report about our war crimes being ordered at the highest level of government.
It got 30 seconds on the Brian Williams news this week.
By the way, if Brian Williams was a better reporter, they wouldn't have needed to put out this report.
You're right.
Why?
Because we wouldn't have been in Iraq in the first place.
But did you see the language they use to describe the war crimes?
I'm reading from the report, and they say, quote, this finding offered without reservation is not based on any impressionistic approach to the issue.
No member of the task force made this decision because this techniques, quote, seemed like torture to me, or I would regard that as torture.
Instead, this conclusion is grounded in the thorough and detailed examination of what constitutes torture in many contexts, most notably historical and legal contexts.
It goes on to say the question as to whether U.S. forces and agents engage in torture has been complicated by the existence of two vocal camps in the public debate.
This has been particularly vexing for traditional journalists who are trained and accustomed to recording the arguments of both sides in a dispute without declaring one right or the other one wrong.
The public may simply perceive that there is no right side, as there are two equally fervent views held on the subject with substantially credentialed people on both sides.
So this report is now putting in black and white what we've been saying on the show since it started, that there isn't two sides to the truth and that the news meeting America does everybody a disservice when they pretend like there's two sides to every issue.
And there isn't.
There isn't two sides to global warming.
There isn't two sides to background gun check.
There isn't two sides to the Iraq war.
That was a lie.
There's not two sides to torture.
It's a war crime.
There aren't two sides to it.
And that's what these guys are saying.
I love the this has been particularly vexing for traditional journalists who are trained and accustomed to recording the arguments of both sides in a dispute without declaring one right and the other one wrong.
And that's what screws up our country because the people who are supposed to be deciphering the news and telling us what it means aren't.
They're just repeating talking points from the people they're supposed to be exposing.
Well, they did tell us about it for 30 seconds.
They did tell us about it for 30 seconds.
Would have been really nice if this report had come out in 2004.
One more thing.
He says the members coming from a wide political spectrum believe that arguments that the nation did not engage in torture and that much of what occurred should be defined as something less than torture are not credible.
But none of this matters.
All we did was piss on our American traditions and lower our standards and become like our enemy.
For the worse.
Act like our enemies and change our country for the worse on a permanent basis.
So why are you making such a big deal about it?
I'm here.
What's the big deal?
So it got swept under the rug and nobody really cares to punish war criminals in this country known for liberty, freedom, and justice for all.
We put a third striker in jail for stealing a pack of gum, but we're not going to put war.
We're not even going to investigate them.
So this and this report came out and it was pretty critical of George, I mean, of Barack Obama for not.
Frank, it's his duty to investigate and prosecute war crimes because if you don't, they're going to happen again.
And if you're not going to prosecute war crimes because it's not politically expedient, then don't run for the office.
Well, he's violated his office.
War.
This is O'Reilly.
I'm sick of you lefty pansies unwilling to call what happened in Boston for what it is.
It's terrorism.
I'm not guy did it.
That's just a long wolf.
When it comes to terrorism, all you liberals are weak.
Obama is soft, like a loofah sponge.
When he killed bin Laden, I didn't see his body dragged through the streets.
And Obama didn't drink his blood, thus stealing the power of his enemy.
This doesn't need Obama cops or forensic dweebs to sort this terrorist out.
I'll get some guys from my old neighborhood together.
They'll go door to door with baseball bats and blowporches, and we'll take care of the situation, Southeast style.
We'll put them into Palaupals.
We'll throw in beatdowns on guys from Borchester for good measure.
It's after events like this that America needs to show strength, not sense.
We need to get these Saudi nationals before they strike another marathon.
That's why we went into Iraq to get Saudi Nationals.
So what if it turns out not to be Islamic terrorists who did it?
We have a policy at Fox News.
Speculate first, ask questions later.
We don't get it right, but we get it first.
I don't want to panic white people, but when I sign off on tonight's show, I'm going to whisper, helter-skelter.
All right, so he had a little something to drink, and he called back in.
He did.
He called back in.
Here he is.
Boy.
Pick up a phone.
Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up.
Why won't you pick up a phone?
Is this all my said Faget?
You think it's easy to do I do?
Come on, every nine people Riley.
After national tragedies to be divisive, point fingers and pandered at people's prejudices.
You think that's easy?
It is.
It's really easy.
When the truck backs up to my house and unloads all money, beep, beep.
I start praying that my geriatric audience could hold on to another winner.
Money can't buy your love, but you can buy private dicks.
This country's going off the rails.
All it needs is some old-fashioned discipline.
My old man told me, never apologize, never show weakness, never met you wrong.
If you're stuck in a corner, yell yourself out of it.
Wise word.
Then he would throw the empty bottle on my head and tell me to stop crying.
Work for me.
I turn out fine.
If my old man could look down from heaven and see me defending home or marriage, he'd bend me over and I wouldn't be able to walk through.
Pour me another shot, Jim Bean.
Your problem, Dor, is that you're a Galway Strumpet of Golgotha, testing antediluvian idols, while the inefficiency of my escaton presence welcomes you to suckle at my teats of soteriological knowledge like Romulus and Uncle Remus.
Sorry, that was the shot of Jim Earle I was drinking.
Dial me, Dor.
Okay, Bill is on a roll.
Drunk Bill O'Reilly called back one more time.
Oh, Jimmy boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling from Glenn to Beck and down my backside.
That keeps calling me, trying to unload all his gold.
Moron.
Good Mormon.
Oh, sure.
When the zombie apocalypse happens, a bunch of shiny rocks will do me a lot of blood.
If you don't pick up the phone, I'm never calling you again.
Door, you're easier to talk to than Dennis Miller.
I call him.
He always nags me and pull myself up with my bootstraps, always trying to get me to read Andy Randy, the faucet head or something.
Miller thinks being a comedian makes him part of an elite class that society would collapse without.
Then he says something about Caligula Cross with a Scooby-Doo reference.
Why would you bring up the phone?
This is live.
I'm doing this live.
You think I'm an angry man?
Yes, you do.
You think I'm always angry?
Of course I'm always angry.
I got hair plugs and I'm still bald.
Okay, coming up in the premium content this week, we're going to have a phone call, a nice one from John Boehner, calls in and lets us know how glad he is to be out of the news this week.
Also, who's what else?
We're going to talk about the shitty coverage of the news.
I mean, CNN of the Boston, that CNN did before.
Oh, boy.
We've got a long segment on that.
Plus, we talk about the front page of the Huffington Post getting worse and worse.
The amazing.
Oh, but guess what?
If you need another reason to hate the NRA, we find out something.
You can't track gunpowder and you can't track explosives anymore.
Guess what?
An ATF agent tells us why.
And it's because of the fucking NRA.
Okay, so that's a lot lot more.
That's in this week's premium content.
And how do you get that, Jimmy?
You go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
You become a $5 a month donator or $55 for the year.
That saved you five bucks.
And then we're going to send you a passcode and you can get access to an extra 30 to 40 minutes of show every week.
And I just told you what's on this week's premium.
So that's how you do it.
It's just that easy.
And if you haven't received your passcode, send me an email at jimmydoor at earthlink.net.
That's our old-timey email.
If you send that to me, I want to send you your passcode and then you can download it and listen to all the extra content.
And by the way, we're going to be making the premium content available as an iTunes password-protected podcast very soon.
So that's on its way.
But right now, you get the extra content over at the website where you can listen to it or you download it there and then listen to it at your leisure.
And I like to say leisure.
Anyway, so that is it.
That's our show for this week.
I hope you enjoyed it.
All the voices were performed by Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcray.com.
And today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Frank Connoff, Jim Earl, Steve Rosenfield, Robert Yasimura, Mark Van Landuit, Steph Zemorano, and one more person.
Ah, Jimmy Dore also helped out a little bit this week.
Okay, that's it for this week.
We'll see you April 27th at the Hollywood Improv or May 4th and 5th.
We're going to be at the Flappers in Claremont, California.
So if you're in the Claremont, California area, the first Friday, Saturday in May, we're going to be at the Flappers Comedy Club in Claremont.
If you've been there, it's great.
It's a great little club.
Okay, so links for all those shows are at jimmydoorcomedy.com.
Thanks for listening.
Thanks for your support.
Thanks for using our Amazon.com box.
And thanks for being our premium donators.
We love all of you.
Thanks for making the show possible.
It's a lot of work, but goddammit, it's worth it.
All right.
That's it for this week.
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