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April 12, 2013 - Jimmy Dore Show
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The Jimmy Dore show starts right now.
This past Monday, both Margaret Thatcher and Annette Funicello died.
I don't know that much about Thatcher, but I know she pissed off Morrissey.
Ronald Reagan is said to have been good friends with her.
Must have been her warmth and sense of humor.
It certainly says something that 23 years after she left office, Thatcher is still widely hated in England.
On the announcement of her death, people took to the streets to celebrate.
We didn't even do that when Richard Nixon died, much less Reagan.
But as Americans, we probably forgive more than we should.
I mean, we still give George W. Bush credit that 9-11 only happened once.
Thatcher is even considered a gay icon, though she certainly didn't seem to think much of them.
Maybe it's because she projected the image of a strong, determined woman who could have easily been played by Benny Hill.
She famously once said there's no such thing as society, which caused a lot of debate over what she meant.
But I believe Thatcher was really saying she was as worried about poor people as Romney.
Still, Thatcher was ahead of her time.
She hated single-payer health care, labor unions, and people on welfare 30 years ago, and now it's all the rage.
The worst thing you could say about Annette Funicello is she was not a great singer, but at least she never threw a coal miner out of work.
���� It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk when you keep that in.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dorm.
It's Jimmy Dorm.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's episode.
I'm joined on the phone all the way from New York City from the John Fuglesang show, Mystery Science Theater 3000.
And soon, you're going to be in Minneapolis, right, Frank?
Oh, yeah, May 11th with Lewis Winston and Brian Unger.
It's TV's Frank, Frank Coniff.
How are you, buddy?
Oh, forget about it, you're right.
Okay, no, I got across the glass from me, hilarious comedian, former writer for the Daily Show.
It's Steve Rosenfield.
Hey, Steve, how are you?
Good, Jimmy.
It's great to be here tonight.
That's great to have you here.
Nice ranty.
Next to him, the host of Comedy and Everything Else, our resident Latina, Steph Zemarano.
Hi, Steph.
Hi, yi-yi.
And across, we have a special guest sitting in today.
He has a new CD out entitled, what is it entitled?
Rit Large.
Rit Large.
You couldn't do that much research?
It's Dylan.
You couldn't look at the actual gift that I handed you before I walked into the studio.
You know what?
I don't know where I put it.
There it is.
Oh, there it is.
You gave it to me.
Edit today.
I got a lot going on when I walk in here.
A lot of stuff on my mind.
The new CD is called Rit Large, available at Amazon and iTunes.
It's Dylan Brody.
Hi, Dylan.
Hello, Jimmy Door.
How are you?
We're looking forward to your rant on gay marriage, which is coming up later in the show.
Right now, let's tell some jokes before we get to the jokes.
You know, Anthony Weiner is going to run for mayor in New York.
He might anyway.
Even though thousands died in the economy tank because he tweeted his penis, he's still going to run for mayor.
His name is Wiener, you know.
It's his name.
His name is Weener.
What a coincidence.
His name is Ween.
It's right in his name.
His name is Weener.
Send the garage working on the car.
Maybe said, Jay, you see the paper?
Look at the paper name.
So the photos were really just a branding opportunity.
That's his name.
His name is Weenick.
That's his name.
Barack Obama is proposing Social Security cuts as a concession to a conservative coalition led by Barack Obama.
They did a study.
They did a big study.
And scientific researchers have concluded that Mitch McConnell could not possibly be a bigger asshole.
That's got to be done.
That's science.
Scientific study.
Yeah, that's science, right, Frank?
Science, yes.
Yes.
Tonight's Mad Men is this episode.
I got a pre-copy.
I got a four advanced copy of tonight's Madmen.
And it's about how life is a slow, pointless crawl towards death.
Did you see that, Frank?
Oh, I did, and that's why I enjoyed it so much.
He already knew that.
Okay, what's coming up on today's show?
In the Oh My God segment, we have another Republican from Kansas.
What's the matter with Kansas?
Well, it turns out the N-word gets thrown about whilst people are taping.
We're going to play that in the Oh My God segment.
Plus, Barack Obama is going to cut Medicare and Social Security.
He's going to try anyway.
Plus Chris Matthews and Chris Hayes.
They're both named Chris, and they're both on MSNBC, and they both did a tribute to Margaret Thatcher.
We're going to compare and contrast.
Guess which ones was better?
Okay.
Okay.
And we're going to talk about the new gun legislation that looks like it might get talked about in the Senate.
Plus, we got phone calls today.
Oh, President Obama calls in Hollywood drunk tank with Rip Torres.
Oh, great.
Oh, yeah.
Why are we bothering to have a conversation?
Why aren't we going straight to that?
I don't even know.
Let's do it.
Okay.
And then also Tuesdays with Moron coming up.
That's today.
Wow, what a treat.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
Time for another installment of Oh My God.
Okay, so this week's, Oh my God, I'm going to go right to Glenn Beck.
You know, he's got, thank God the guy never goes away.
Okay, so here we go.
And let's just listen to what he's talking about college.
I said to my wife the other night, my kids aren't going to go to college.
They're just not going to go to college.
They won't.
That's the spirit.
There you go.
He knows that they're dumb.
You know, my parents, when I was a child, my parents were afraid that I wasn't getting enough critical thinking instruction in school, so they did a full immersion home course in hypercritical thinking.
Can you believe this guy, though?
I'm sorry.
Here, let's listen to a little bit more.
We will find somebody that they can intern for.
They'll have to do their own thing.
I am not sending another child to college.
I won't do it.
Colleges say thank you.
Frank, you know what?
Not even one kid in his family to go to college like John Boy on the Walton?
Not even.
He's against college.
You know, got to keep him.
This is great.
It's 2013.
First it was Rick Santorum and didn't like college, and now it's Glenn Beck.
College, it's bad.
Education is bad.
Ignorance, good.
Good.
They're being indoctrinated.
I'm not going to give them my money.
I mean, you know, look, I know this, everybody would say that this is going to enslave your child, et cetera, et cetera.
But you know what?
I would rather have, I would rather be a mechanic.
So would I. And a bad mechanic working at a gas station, you know, down the street that nobody goes to.
I'd rather be a mechanic than in the system that is coming.
Yeah, but you are going to be.
Go ahead, Frank.
You know what, Glenn?
Your kids are going to want to have good jobs and get laid.
So you should let them go to college.
Yeah, maybe let them go to college.
But they'll have all his money.
So he does, he's living proof.
You don't have to go to college to make that.
That's what this is.
This is a guy who doesn't know what college is.
Make it compelling argument that he wants to become a mechanic, a really bad mechanic.
I'd rather be a bad mechanic and have a miserable life than go to college.
Well, study after study shows that the better educated people are, the more likely they are to vote liberal.
Yes.
Is that it?
So the idea here is to simply inundate his listenership with the idea that college itself is bad.
It's like the ongoing Catholic program of eugenics, whereby they pull the most intelligent out of their community and make them celibate priests.
And ask the people who can't handle the studying in Latin to reproduce as much as possible.
The goal is to keep people stupid so they'll continue to vote his people in.
Oh, that's so different from what all the religion I've ever been around in my whole life.
It's so different.
These kids are going to be in an absolute system.
And I know what that means.
I really truly believe.
This is really, a really scary thing.
But he's thinking.
He's thinking.
He's scared.
He's scared.
Here's something.
Is he paid to think?
Start looking for.
Here it comes.
He's thinking.
Gold?
Just be aware.
Just be aware.
Don't learn, but it's the best he has.
There are many ways to mark people.
Just many ways to tag them and just be aware and be careful.
Vigilant?
Very careful.
Okay, that's it.
That's all he.
So we're being warned about learning.
Yes, you got to be careful.
Be aware.
Learning's bad.
College is bad.
Being a mechanic, while not, according to him, not a fulfilling life, better than going to college and having to live life.
The policy mechanic is better than going to college.
And I'm glad he's teaching self-reliance to his kids.
Yeah.
He's basically saying they're going to live off of him for the rest of his life.
Yes.
Yes, Pete.
I'm sure that if he doesn't motivate them to learn and go to college and just lets them have money, that never results in rich kids becoming drug addicts ever.
No, no.
I like that whole thing about there are many ways to mark people to tag people as if they're going to put the little homing device in everybody's ear in college and then release them back into the wild and always know where they are.
I just like that a miserable life working at a place at a job that you're not fulfilled by and doing it poorly is better than being educated.
The worst thing you can ever have is knowledge and education.
You can understand that coming from a guy who was considered too crazy for Fox.
Yes.
Yes.
Okay.
So let's do one more in the oh my God.
So there's a what's wrong with Kansas?
Well, here's Jim Gile, Jim Gile, a Republican commissioner in Saline County, Kansas.
He used an offensive racial slur during an argument with a fellow commissioner.
And I don't have the audio of this.
It didn't get out for whatever reason.
I just have the, I'm going to read it to you.
So in a recording made by the county clerk, Gile, who is white, can be heard to say that the county needed to hire an architect to design the improvements they were talking about rather than ready N-word rigging it.
Wow.
Yes.
And you know that term with time I'm familiar with that term.
Right.
So instead of jerry rigging us, that's another term.
You can say jerry rig, but you could also use a racist slur there and you can say n-word rigging it.
For the record, jerry-rigging itself is really a slur.
It referred to doing it the way the Nazis did it.
Oh, really?
It's from World War II.
They were the Jerry's.
Oh, I didn't know that.
So the Nazis were Jerry's, and you say jerry-rigging it, which means to N-word it.
Yeah.
Rig it, right?
Which is what this guy's saying.
Or Mickey.
I also could use the term Mickey Mouse.
He Mickey Moused it together.
Mickey Mouse is black, isn't he?
I don't know.
He's a mouse.
But so when he said that, everybody laughed.
And then there was a guy there named Selenan Salinan Ray Hruxka.
So I'm guessing he's not white.
And he asked him, what did you mean by that?
And Giles responded, Afro-Americanized instead of...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's almost even more offensive.
I would have to agree with that.
It seems like it's either way if he says the N-word rigging it or Afro-Americanized.
It's just, let's not hire a black person to do this because I don't like black people.
Yes, that's basically.
It's how you say it.
You know, it's the same thought.
I'm going to be disparaging towards African Americans twice.
I won't use the terminology that's offensive.
I'll just use the ideas.
Did I use the N-word?
I know that's offensive.
I'm sorry.
I just meant that I hate black people.
I wanted to clarify that.
It's like something right out of Archie Bunker.
Well, we do have to give the guy a credit because he did afterwards.
He said, hey, I'm not a prejudiced person.
I have built habitat homes for colored people.
That's a direct quote.
He went from the N-word to African-Americanized to colored people.
And he said he's also, he also has a close friend whom he regards as a sister who is black.
So, you know, hey, at least, so at least he apologized, Frank.
And you know that.
Don't ask them to rig anything.
Yeah.
Don't ask them to rig anything.
There's no audio of that because they heard it and they thought it was an old Amos and Andy episode.
He did apologize, which was mighty white of him.
That's all I can say.
Sort of like Jeff Dunham saying, I can't possibly be prejudiced.
Some of my best puppets are ethnic.
That's right.
That's exactly.
But he said he wasn't racist.
So that I was afraid he was a racist, but he said he wasn't a racist.
So case close.
It's really, you know, he's the expert.
It's unfair how people who throw the n-word around are just branded as racist.
This has been, oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Welcome back to the Jimmy Doors show.
I'm joined in the studio by former writer from the Daily Show, Steve Rosenfield, the host of Comedy and Everything Else, Steph Zamorano.
Hilarious comedian Dylan Brody.
And on the phone from New York, it's TV's Frank Frank Conniff.
Now let's get back to the studio.
So now we're going to talk about Barack Obama, submitted his budget, his big compromise plan to help to end the sequester and move our economy forward.
And am I out of my mind or is Obama pulling off trying to pull off a Jedi mind trick on this one?
Because I'm going to play a clip here.
And here he is letting us know what his budget contains.
Instead of protecting Social Security and fighting the liars who are trying to wreck it, What he is proposing is to go along with the false propaganda and cut benefits to the most vulnerable.
Let's listen to Barack Obama in his own words.
Does also contain the compromise I offered Speaker Boehner at the end of last year, including reforms championed by Republican leaders in Congress.
And I don't believe that all these ideas are optimal, but I'm willing to accept them as part of a compromise.
Yeah, because he doesn't like the stuff in there either, but compromise means giving in on something so the other side can refuse to give in on anything until 2016.
That seems fair.
Well, isn't it kind of a political calculation?
I mean, this is, you know, I mean, I was outraged when I heard about it, but the best case scenario from what I've heard is that he knows that it's never going to happen, and it's just a political posturing so he can say, hey, look, because the Republicans are so unreasonable that he can say, hey, I was reasonable.
I wanted to go along with something they wanted, but they're not doing anything about tax revenues.
So for me, the only justification for it, not that it's a justification, but just the idea that it's a political ploy, and he knows that that's never going to happen.
So what you're saying is that Barack Obama is out ninjaing the Republicans by offering them what they wanted.
Yes.
Because, yes, that's the thing, because even if he offers them what they want, they won't budge on tax revenues.
See?
So they're not going to come back to him and say, well, you know what?
This Barackai is very reasonable.
So we're going to say, okay, let's have more tax revenue from rich people.
They're never going to say that.
So if you go by the assumption that they're never going to say that, you have to believe that Obama is putting this forth as theater, that it's that he really has no intention of that ever happening.
I think he's just trying to sneak up on the move.
That's what I want to think, I guess.
Maybe he's calling their bluff.
Well, now he's being outflanked by Republicans on the left.
He's being outflanked because, I don't know, maybe if you offer to cut Social Security and Medicare, you know, the thing that you're supposed to be protecting, maybe this might leave you vulnerable in the 2014 midterm elections.
Because what do you think the Republicans are going to say now?
Because I think they're going to say this.
His budget really lays out kind of a shocking attack on seniors.
This is Republican Senator Greg.
Kind of a shocking attack on seniors.
When you're going after seniors the way he's already done on Obamacare, taking $700 billion out of Medicare to put into Obamacare and now coming back at seniors again.
I think you're crossing that line very quickly.
So, Frank, I mean, to me, that's the...
It was a load of crap and it didn't work.
Well, that's because Barack Obama...
They're like the most important thing because that's the only way anything is going to happen is if we get Democratic majorities.
And so he's giving that the Republicans are going to be able to outflank him on this because their record, they can say, oh, he's hurting seniors, but their record on hurting seniors is so overwhelmingly more than this.
Yeah, so what you're saying is that you think that the electorate's going to be able to parse the subtleties of Barack Obama's cutting Social Security and Medicare, but the Republicans want to cut it even more.
So that's going to be, to me, it's a loser.
It's a losing argument.
And it just lets here, even Rand Paul can say something about him, right?
Senior citizens are squeezed.
If the president is going to take it.
Here's Bill O'Reilly.
Listen, now you even got Bill O'Reilly saying stuff about Barack Obama's offer here.
If the president is going to take Mrs. O'Reilly and everybody else, seniors who don't have any money away, then those left-wing groups may have a point.
Okay, so there you go.
So he's being attacked from the left and from the right.
Yeah, but I just don't consider those attacks credible.
Well, none of the attacks are credible, but I don't think that they're going to have traction as a political issue.
I'm a little concerned.
And I'm talking just about politics here, which I keep doing.
No, no, I know, I know.
But Obama is always smarter than the opposite side on politics.
To think that they can outflank him, I'm sure he's considered every possible angle of this.
Okay, well, we'll see.
I personally, I personally, I would rather him just say, I'm not budging on Social Security and hell with these guys.
But I don't think he sees that.
I think he, being the political person he is and an incredibly skillful political middle-of-the-road guy, once again, he's not a progressive.
He's the middle-of-the-roader.
This is his calculations.
And I don't know if it's going to work out.
But like I said, my best hope is that he knows that that's never going to happen.
Yeah, so again, we're left hoping that what Barack Obama is publicly proposing as legislation never gets passed.
And that's what we're hoping that nothing happens.
If he comes forth with like a progressive budget proposal, that's never going to happen either.
And in that case, he is going to give his opponents and the media political ammunition.
So let's listen to the rest.
Let me just play the rest of this clip.
This is him laying out his case for what he wants to do.
We'll start from the top again.
Here we go, ready?
It does also contain the compromise I offered Speaker Boehner at the end of last year, including reforms championed by Republican leaders in Congress.
And I don't believe that all these ideas are optimal, but I'm willing to accept them as part of a compromise.
If and only if they contain protections for the most vulnerable Americans.
But if you're serious about deficit reduction, then these reforms have to go hand in hand with reforming our tax code.
First of all, if you're serious about deficit reduction, I just want to make this point clear.
Social Security does not add one penny to the debt.
Let me just say it again, Mr. President.
Social Security does not add one penny to the debt.
It does not add one penny to the debt.
In fact, it's solvent until 2037, and then you can solve any problems that had some very minor tweaks.
You don't have to cut benefits to the most vulnerable.
You don't have to cut it.
You don't reduce benefits for old people for Christ's sake.
And here's the Jedi mind trick.
Here it comes, right?
To make it more simple and more fair so that the wealthiest individuals and biggest corporations cannot keep taking advantage of loopholes and deductions that most Americans don't get.
That's the bottom line.
If you're serious about deficit reduction, then there's no excuse to keep these loopholes open.
They don't serve an economic purpose.
They don't grow our economy.
They don't put people back to work.
All they do is to allow folks who are already well off and well-connected to Game the system.
Okay, so the Jedi mind trick comes in when he makes it sound like he's actually fighting for the little guy when what he's actually doing is unilaterally proposing cutting benefits of those who can least afford it and who would be impacted the most by these cuts.
And he's going to balance that by raising taxes and cutting loopholes on the people who can most afford it and won't feel the economic impact one bit.
This is what the progressive, this is what the Democratic president is proposing going forward.
He's instead of protecting, you know, let me just say this too.
The people who keep looking at Social Security and Medicare is they're a problem.
That's the problem with Barack Obama.
He accepts the right-wing's framing of the issue that Social Security and Medicare are a problem and they have to be fixed.
When in reality, Frank, you and I both know that Social Security and Medicare are solutions to problems.
They're not problems in themselves.
Social Security solved the problem.
Medicare saves everybody money.
It doesn't cost us money.
If you got rid of Medicare altogether, it would cost everybody in our economy and the government.
Everybody would pay more money.
Medicare, Social Security are solutions.
They're not problems.
And what the Democratic president should be doing is proposing ways to expand those programs.
Instead, what he's doing is proposing ways to undercut them.
But if he proposes, if he proposes ways to expand those programs in this political climate where he doesn't have a majority, that's a pointless exercise because it's not going to happen.
Nothing will move forward if he does what you're saying he should do.
So, Frank, what you're saying is, but what you're saying is, Frank, is that we have, so we're going to cut Social Security and Medicare.
We're going to cut benefits.
I'm saying we're not going to cut Social Security and Medicare.
I'm saying that in order for him to make a political point, the only way he can do it is to put this down as his marker that he can step back from.
I understand the disagreeing with it that it's going to work.
A, because what I just pointed out, that now Republicans can attack him from the left.
And B, it's the way.
They're not effective when they do that, though.
But when you negotiate, Frank, he's doing that thing where he starts out with your negotiated position instead of starting out from the position you're supposed to start with.
You know what I mean?
He's opening, here's my end position.
I'm going to cut Medicare and Social Security.
That's what you eventually may be compromised to.
Right now, it's like Obama's negotiating with kidnappers.
He's negotiating the number of hostages that they can execute.
Do you know what I mean?
That's not where you start.
And it's like, yeah, sure, he's going to close tax loopholes on the wealthy, which they won't even feel, which they don't even feel.
But that's not going to happen either.
Okay.
Okay.
Well, we'll see what happens.
And well, he's got to get the sequester over with because it's really starting to hurt the economy now.
You know, it's like he's showing he can be fair.
It's like, hey, this is my budget.
I can be fair.
Yeah, it's like I can compromise.
And in return, I expect the Republicans to keep trying to have my balls for dinner.
He don't have his balls for dinner, though.
Well, here we are.
The sequester's in place, Frank.
I mean, it's happening.
The economy is going to get hung around his neck.
So when we go into the, I'm just saying, if he, if, if the Republicans are ready to let the sequester kill our economy so they can make bigger gains in 2014.
And that seems to be what's going to happen.
I don't know if they'll necessarily make that bigger, you know.
But, Frank, let me just say this.
This is Barack Obama's fault because he caved in on the first debt ceiling negotiation by giving him this sequester, which he never should have negotiated on the debt ceiling in the first place.
But here we are left with this because of that.
He's a bad negotiator.
And you say he's being a good negotiator.
I say it's another sign he's a bad negotiator.
Okay, so Barack Obama actually called me.
Oh, quite a guess.
Jimmy, this is true-term president Barack Hizzet Suane Obama.
Let me ask you a question, my friend.
Maybe you could explain this to me.
What the fuck do you people want?
Can't you see I'm trying to do something here?
I mean, for real, man.
You told me you hate old people and love rich people.
And I gave you a budget, and now you're all, oh, no, Barry, I'm scared of your brave vision of the future.
You bunch of fucking pussies.
You don't even know the old people.
I'm for the shaft because they ain't old yet.
Because they are you, motherfucker.
Yeah.
As healthcare and inflation drastically outpace Social Security increases, well, by the time you get that check, you're going to be like, what?
This isn't even as good as a coupon for a free macro.
But I'll tell you what, someday you'll be an old homeless man sitting in a puddle of your own mess.
You'll be yelling to passersby, enjoy your balanced budget, young pieces of shit.
And then you'll die right there on the sidewalk.
But you'll be clutching a copy of my best-selling book, The Audacity of Hope, now available for your iPad babies.
I should probably mention that I have been on a peyote bin since the second inaugural.
And I have been letting my spirit animal do most of my legislative work.
It's sort of a griffin with the voice of John Boehner.
Okay.
Dude, right now, it feels like I'm floating on a sea of pudding, and my dick is on the other side of the room.
Great Zeus.
I think they can hear me.
They're coming.
They're here.
Oh, my God.
They're beautiful.
Oh, that was President of the United States two-term in his house.
Yes.
So glad he's happy.
He's even cooler than I thought.
Yeah.
Yeah.
*Mario plays*
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So in this week, we've got plenty of funny stuff happening.
Dylan Brody's going to have his rant on gay marriage, which is hysterical and cracked us up in the studio.
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But right now, so become a donator.
And that's the way you'll get that.
I'll remind you about it again at the end of the show.
But right now, let's get back to the second half.
We got Rip Torn's Hollywood drunk tank coming up in the second half.
We got a phone call from somebody.
Oh, guess what?
Tuesdays with Moron kicks us off.
So let's get to the second half of the Jimmy Dore show.
How are you doing?
It's Moron.
Hey, Moron.
How's it going, buddy?
I haven't heard from you in a long time.
What have you been up to?
Jimmy, you know me.
You know what I usually say, right?
That I'm a good American.
I'm easily manipulated to vote against my own interests.
Yes.
And I always follow authority unless it happens to be a Democrat or a black.
Well, you know how I say that, right?
Yeah, I know how you say that.
Yes, you say that.
I don't say that right.
Yes, you say that all the time.
Well, how does it feel?
Turns out, you guys, you did the same thing.
I did what, the same thing?
With Obama's.
I guess you voted for him and then he's trying to cut your Social Security and Medicare and sticking it right in your liberal asses.
That's not exactly.
That's not exactly what's happening.
You voted against your own interest, then, right?
No, I didn't vote against my own interests because Barack Obama.
Then you voted against your own interest, then, right?
No, I didn't.
I didn't vote against my own interests.
Yeah, but you voted against your own interest, right?
Moron, we didn't.
No, because Barack Obama.
Yeah, you voted against your own interest.
Okay, all right, maybe we voted.
Well, listen.
I actually have another question to ask.
Okay, what is your other question?
What?
What is your question?
Did you hear what they're doing in Tennessee?
No, you mean with the welfare?
Yeah.
I said with the welfare and...
Yes, sir.
They're making welfare kids do good in school instead of slacking off like the poor kids usually do.
Yeah, I know.
That's not, that's kind of a bad idea.
They're trying.
Yeah.
What they're doing is they're getting.
So if you're a kid and you're on welfare, and if you get bad grades in school, then you don't get the welfare no more.
Right.
If kids get bad grades, family gets less welfare.
Right.
That's America, Jim.
Free market incentive to get lazy asses off their lazy asses.
Well, you know, actually, Moron, they're not lazy.
A lot of the people who are poor in America are working poor.
Did you know that?
Well, why else aren't they poor if they ain't lazy?
Well, they actually work.
Anybody can make it in America, Jim, if they work hard.
You know what?
There's a lot of people who work hard every day that work full-time jobs, moron.
In fact, they're not able to pull themselves out of poverty.
In fact, I'm telling you that most of the poor people actually are single women with children they have to take care of.
Here's my point, Jim.
What's your point?
Come on for punishing the welfare poor and humiliating them for being so poor that they need the government to give them food like losers.
Okay, moron.
Come on, Jim.
One thing doesn't make no sense to me.
What doesn't make sense to you?
Well, let's say that the poor kids are lazy, which is likely.
What?
No.
Because they're poor.
That's not true.
And so let's say the poor kid gets bad grades, right?
Right.
And then his family gets less money for food and stuff, right?
Which that feels right.
That's a good feeling to deny poor lazy people food and money.
But what does the kid do then?
I don't know.
I don't know what you mean.
What does the kid do then?
I mean, what?
I mean, not that I care, but where does the kid get the money for his food then?
Well, he doesn't get money for his food.
What do you mean?
Huh?
He's saying he doesn't get money.
What do you mean he doesn't get the money, Jim?
He doesn't.
They don't get money.
How does the kid eat then, Jim?
This is my question.
Well, that's why this is a stupid idea, Moron, because this program is to help people eat, not do better.
What?
Let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater there, Jim.
Yeah, I know.
You can still make things bad for the poor.
But, you know, the kids got to eat, am I right?
Yeah, I know.
Okay, that's why we need to get rid of this program.
Yeah, I'm right, right?
Yes, you're right.
The kids got to eat, but we got to get.
I mean, the kids got to eat, right?
So this is a little glitch in our plan.
Yeah, it's more than a glitch.
It's a bad idea.
Yo, maybe, hey.
What?
Hey, what about this, Jim?
Maybe we could put a sign on front of their houses that says, we're poor.
That would make them feel like shit, right?
I don't understand what this knee-jerk reaction is to trying to hurt poor people.
Don't you think that they're saying, don't you think that they have a hard enough life as it is?
And by the way, that wouldn't work because poor people live around other poor people, so they wouldn't be shamed about being poor around other poor people.
It's a bad idea.
Well, how about this?
Maybe we have some regular people or some rich people drive by and look at it.
That would work, right?
We just tell.
Right?
No, it wouldn't work.
That would probably make the poor people feel humiliated, right?
And horrible about who they are and their place in life.
Yeah, that would.
That's a bad idea.
Home people.
Is that your wife?
What?
What are you talking about?
Whore people?
I'm not talking about whore people, Terese.
I'm talking about poor people, right?
Poor people.
You know, the poor, like they're puts with a P. Poor.
No, putts.
Poor putts with a P. P, like prostitutes?
No, Teres.
It's about the putt.
Are you using the easy wax vac I got you?
What did you get me?
I got you to wax back.
Look, it's a clean and effective way to clean and dry your ears.
And yeah, the wax vac secret is safe and gentle suction.
All you do is attach the wax back tip and insert it into your ear.
Yeah, yeah.
But I use cotton swaps.
Cotton swaps push the wax and debris further in your ear, which can damage your eardrums.
Yeah, so try it.
You trust it.
"Me too man!
"Cheekers and Wow, feels nice.
See, now you can hear me.
Huh?
I said, now you can hear me, right?
Yeah, okay.
Wow!
Look, your pants are torn.
Can a corn?
No, your pants are torn.
Baby's born.
Okay, listen, Jim.
I'm going to go.
We're going to take off.
Okay, bye.
Bye, Jim.
Have a good one.
Okay, bye, Moron.
Hey, Teresa, how come you can't hear me?
Who's queer?
No, nobody's queer.
How?
How?
Wow.
He was dumb.
He was dumb.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Hey, want to let everybody know that if you're in the Los Angeles area in the end of April, April 27th, we're doing the big stand-up show.
The Jimmy Door show comes to the improv in West Hollywood.
So there's links for that show.
That's April 27th.
It's an 8 p.m. show.
We're going to have Paul Gilmartin doing his jackass Republican character and lots of other hilarious people.
If you've ever been to any of these shows at the improv, you know how much fun they are and how much fun we always have every time.
So that's April 27th.
It's the last Saturday of this month.
And if you want tickets, links, there's a link for tickets over at jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And you want to get tickets, right?
Yeah, of course you do.
It's going to be hilarious.
I'll be hosting.
We're going to have, so we haven't set the lineup, but it's always hilarious.
Past guests have included David Feldman, Rick Overton, Bill Burr, Todd Glass, Mark Murray.
We've had lots of people on this show.
So there's always lots of surprises, Mr. Hilarious people that are going to be there.
That's April 27th, okay?
So that's the last Saturday.
There's a link for tickets at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
We'll see you there.
I always like meeting the listeners.
But right now, let's get back to the show.
A lot more funny coming up.
Okay, so now we're going to move on to Margaret Thatcher died, right?
She died, and it was tough.
It hurt me.
It was hard for everybody to take, right?
Margaret Thatcher.
Tough, yeah.
She's a champion for equal rights, feminists.
She's a working man.
She's the voice of the voiceless.
Oh, wait a minute.
She's the opposite of all that.
And so I thought it would be interesting.
And I know people who listen to the show regularly are going to think that I'm picking on Chris Matthews because I am.
And I just...
And nine times, eight times out of ten, it's MSNBC, but sometimes it's CNN, and very rarely it's Fox.
But normally I'll have something on in the background.
And that's why I hear it.
And Chris Matthews says the craziest stuff in the world.
So here he is, by the way.
So we're going to compare and contrast Chris Matthews and Chris Hayes, how they both handled Margaret Thatcher's passing.
And here's what Chris.
First, they both did a preamble before they gave their like review of her life.
And here's Chris Matthews' preamble.
Let me finish tonight with Margaret Thatcher.
Let me repeat what I said on Morning Joe today when I first got word.
Okay, hang on, let me.
So here is Chris too tough on Government Matthews, as he likes to call himself.
Remember, I'm too tough on these guys.
This is Chris too tough on Government Matthews, taking the passing of Margaret Thatcher as an opportunity to punch a hippie.
And this time the hippie is Hollywood.
Let me finish tonight with Margaret Thatcher.
Let me repeat what I said on Morning Joe today when I first got word of the former British Prime Minister's death.
I don't like the way Hollywood makes movies about people they don't agree with politically.
Ronald Reagan comes off as an amiable dunce.
Margaret Thatcher gets a movie about her life that focuses on the dementia which she suffered late in life.
Let's do this right.
If you disagree with someone politically, take on their strengths.
Do what they did in that little British film, Brassed Off.
Take your shots.
Hit them where they're strongest and you disagree with them the most.
Don't come off trying to be so, so compassionate, so balanced when what you're really doing is finding a velvet glove to punch them one more time when they're dead and can't sue you.
One of the best examples I've discovered in politics and in covering it is the best of people, the ones I admire, always there to say something good about the best of those on the other side.
Reagan would always salute.
Yeah, you know what?
Matthews is right about that.
He knows how to salute people on the other side since he was ready to put George Bush on Mount Rushmore for invading Iraq.
Okay, he's got a list close to him.
Franklin Roosevelt.
Clinton would always salute Reagan.
It comes with the territory.
Yeah, Clinton would always salute Reagan, even while the Republicans were impeaching him.
What a good sport.
What a good sport.
It's funny that Matthews.
By the way, no one was bigger, was more in favor of that impeachment than Chris Matthews.
And Chris Matthews.
That's right.
Okay, here we go.
No one's a little more vile towards Bill and Hillary Clinton both.
Reagan would always salute Franklin Roosevelt.
Clinton would always salute Reagan.
It comes with the territory.
You admit great leadership because that's what you yourself hope to achieve.
So here goes.
Wow.
Wow.
So Matthews is right.
Praising your adversaries does go with the territory if you're a career-hugging kiss ass.
Was Reagan saluting FDR if he was flushing his policy start with 12?
Yes.
And shooting on his legacy?
Was he saluting him, man?
Yeah, while he was undermining the New Deal and demonizing poors.
He hated Medicare, you know.
Yes.
And demonizing blacks as welfare queens.
So here's the same, here's the same news network.
A journalist named Chris, different last name, and it's the same subject.
But listen how different this sounds.
Here's Chris Hayes.
Former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher died today at 87, and there is an understandable instinct to be charitable upon someone's death.
The death of public figures is an incredibly important occasion to wrestle with their legacy, and the wrong message can be massively destructive.
The perception of someone's legacy has consequences because it tends to establish what the consensus position is, what we've all collectively learned from the person's life.
President Obama's statement read in part, the world has lost one of the great champions of freedom and liberty.
America has lost a true friend as a grocer's daughter who rose to become Britain's first female prime minister.
She stands as an example to our daughters that there is no glass ceiling that can't be shattered.
Yet, according to a former advisor, Thatcher herself said, the feminists hate me, don't they?
And I don't blame them for I hate feminism.
It is poison.
Now, if Thatcher was known for anything in her amazing career on the world stage, it was pulling no punches.
And out of deference to that legacy, we should pull none ourselves.
Wow.
So there's Chris Hayes.
A little different preamble to his Margaret Thatcher review.
A little bit different.
He uses this as an opportunity to set the public record straight and to hold her feet to the same standards that she held others, right?
Even in her death.
This is what Chris Hardball calls a silk perch to punch.
This is what Chris Hartbaugh calls a silk purse to punch her with.
That's what he calls journalism.
He calls journalism a silk purse to punch someone with.
So the preambles are over.
Now let's actually get to the summation.
First, let's go to Mr. Suck Up the Power himself, Chris Matthews.
Here goes.
I think Margaret Thatcher, the first woman to lead a great Western country in our times, is enormously worthy of respect and admiration.
I think her great premiership, second only to Churchills in modern times, stands as a great precursor of what a woman leader can bring to office.
If and when Hillary Clinton seeks the presidency, the legacy of Thatcher will be a strong standard on which any woman, especially the recent Secretary of State, can run and win.
Okay, so there you go.
Yes, she was second only to Churchill, according to Chris Matthews, except Churchill fought against fascism, but Thatcher, not so much.
Yeah, it's kind of dug.
Chris Matthews has compared, he compared George W. Bush to Churchill so many times during the Iraq war.
Every time he made a State of the Union speech, Chris Matthews would say it was church-chilly and in its eloquence of this great wartime president.
Well, that's our friend, Chris Cop on the Beat Matthews.
Once again, making sure that we don't mistake him for somebody with integrity.
Can I once again point out that Chris Matthews just doesn't understand his own metaphors?
Yes.
There is no such thing as a silk purse with which to punch somebody.
Okay.
That makes no sense.
I think he's thinking velvet gloves, perhaps.
Unless it's a Monty Python sketch.
Yeah.
You make silk purses out of Sow's ears.
It's a whole different thing.
It's nice to see that Matthews' praise for the powerful cannot be bought because he gives it away for free.
It's weird.
He's a slut.
He's not even a whore.
That Margaret Thatcher's dead.
Margaret Thatcher is dead, yet Chris Matthews still worried what she thinks about him.
He likes powerful dead people, too.
So now let's go to Chris Hayes.
Now, here's somebody with dignity integrity who feels like it's his job to actually provide a service to his viewers.
And here's how he handled the passing.
Ready?
Here we go.
Here are just some of the hallmarks of Margaret Thatcher's 11-year tenure as Britain's prime minister.
Thatcher initially opposed economic sanctions against South Africa's apartheid government.
She referred to Nelson and Mandela's African National Congress as a quote typical terrorist organization.
When Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet was arrested for war crimes, including the widespread capture, torture, torture, and murder of political dissidents, she called for his release, and he eventually served house arrest in London.
On the domestic front, Thatcher's victory ushered in policies that lowered inflation, but sent the unemployment rate past 10% for a grinding, miserable five and a half years.
As former London Mayor Kane Livingston put it, she decided when she wrote off our manufacturing industry that she could live with two or three million unemployed.
Even as the economy improved, it came with immediate and long-term costs.
Child poverty rose, with nearly one-third of children living in poverty by the time she left office.
Thatcher's tax policy shifted the burden from the wealthy to those at the bottom, reaching its most audacious peak with a 1990 poll tax, which was so severe on the poor to the benefit of the wealthy, there were widespread riots, which were placed within a year after Thatcher's resignation.
Recent documents show Thatcher was scheming to privatize the National Health Service, which is a beloved and popular institution that has provided universal health care for Brits regardless of means or class since the end of World War II and may well be one of the great hallmarks of Western social democracy.
But in the face of popular opposition, she retreated from plans to privatize the water industry and the National Health Service, replace college grants for the student loan program, cut back pensions, and revamp the social security system.
Thatcher supported Section 28, which said local authorities shall not promote the teaching in any maintained school of the acceptability of homosexuality as a pretended family relationship.
Thatcher is often talked about in conjunction with President Ronald Reagan as the conservative failure tale goes because they both came into office during periods of malaise caused by leftist overreach.
They both absolutely eviscerated their left opposition and permanently altered the trajectory of politics in their countries.
Thatcher once said, there is no such thing as society.
There are individual men and women.
There are families.
No government can do anything except through people, and people must look to themselves first.
Wow.
David Hopper, general secretary of the Durham Miners Association, who were resolutely crushed by Thatcher in a series of dramatic and at times violent strikes, said, she destroyed our community, our villages, and our people.
She absolutely hated working people, and I've got very bitter memories of what she did.
We live now, still today, on the Reagan-Thatcher accents, their legacies reaching forward through the years in their shared contempt for egalitarianism.
They both bequeathed massive inequality.
Today, decades after they left office, if you compare inequality across industrialized nations, England and the U.S. are at the top, also sharing the least amount of social mobility.
This is the society that Thatcher and Reagan gave us.
Societies of shrinking middle classes and tremendously high levels of inequality.
And if you do not like that vision, then you have little occasion to celebrate Margaret Thatcher today.
Okay, well, that's all good and well, Chris, but try to say that when Chris Matthews is in the studio, you're going to get a fat lip, you big shot.
You whining little carping liberal in your mom's basement.
Oh, except he's not in his mom's.
Go ahead.
Well, no, I was going to say, you know, I think she truly Thatcher truly embodied traditional values because by increasing childhood poverty, she returned England to the time of Dickens.
*Mario plays*
Gather around, kitties.
Daddy's drunk and ready to dish.
And now it's time for Rip Torn's Hollywood Drunk Tank.
Rip Torn's Hollywood Drunk I know what's up.
Music Say it ain't so.
Lindsay Lohan, aka the Lynns.
And it's a court-ordered 90-day rehab beginning on May 2nd.
A day that will live in infamy.
Looks like the dig is finally up, oh, great befreckled one.
You showed too bright for too long.
The turbulent teetotalers that dispense justice of this once great nation have decided that you have to go so that we may have a society safe for each and every spinster school barn.
What a load of horse shit.
Don't they realize that you get fucked up on a plane far above theirs?
How dare they judge you and lock you in some cage like a puffy-bloated nightingale?
Well, never fear, my little petunia, because I'm breaking you out.
Okay, here's the plan.
At 0-300 hours on the third night of your incarceration, because let's be honest, you'll probably need a little dryout time.
Go to your dresser and open up the Alcoholic Anonymous Handbook.
You will find that it has been hollowed out and filled with grappling cables by my operatives.
Use these to scale out your window and then proceed immediately to the far southwest corner of the property.
Our helicopter will meet you there.
Piloted by my footman, Con Ho.
Don't worry, you can trust him.
He owes me a life debt due to an incident at a Sherman Oaks Mongolian barbecue joint in 1996.
We will drop down a rope ladder with rungs made out of empty Galeano bottles.
That will distinguish it from other unrelated rope ladders that may coincidentally fall down near you at the same time.
What's good, boy?
That's my favorite joke I've ever written.
All right.
Once on board the chapter, we will immediately begin to administer an ever-clear IV drip so you will start properly pre-buzzing for the evening.
Pre-buzzing.
Because at that moment, my dear, the Candyland shit stops.
You're about to get Riptor drunk.
Now, as you may imagine, I've done this a few times before.
My team has never failed.
And if you have any doubts, just go ahead and ask Iron Man or other satisfied customers.
And no need to thank me.
All I ask for in return is an Irish rim job.
Don't worry, that just means a kiss on the lips.
Former Smith's frontman and sudden Jim Neighbors doppelganger, Morrissey, has raised the ire of his fellow Britons after penning two scathing anti-Margaret Thatcher posts on his website, calling her a terror without an atom of humanity, a mere day after Maggie's demise.
The unapologetic NASA has a long history of hatcher bashing.
In fact, he runs a hatcherbachery.
He is just the type of person she doesn't give two shits about, which leads us to our brand new segment.
Ripped horn's hypothetical celebrity SmackDown, episode one, Morrissey versus the Corpse of Margaret Thatcher.
Since their current body strength is more or less the same, we're going to have to break this down the last pack.
Let's start with the Iron Carcass.
He is dead, which presents her with any number of tactical challenges.
However, sensing Morrissey's working-class background could conceivably animate her body into an ambulatory hate wraith.
Thus zombified by Oxbridge's disdain, she would immediately gain the intimidation advantage over a 50-year-old man who is probably scared of bees.
Also, ectoplasm secreted by Maggie's glowing death husk is technically a meat product.
Morrissey can't even be in the same performance venue as it, let alone allow it to get on his skin.
But what Morrissey does have is his moves.
While Thatcher would plod about slowly, Mr. Glamorous Glues has decades of stage experience writhing, twirling, shaking his shoulders and parfador, ducking and rolling.
Everything you need to outmove a zombie.
Until he can finally grab a shovel out of his modest English garden, swing it back, and say, welcome to the Falkland Islands, bitch.
Before he cracks that nugget of hers back into the dirt like a rotten honeydew.
Hail Britannia, God save the queen, and stick a pimp's cup up the old hag's ass just for good measure.
Yeah, so we're going to go with Morrissey on this one.
All right, well, that's all the time we have this week for Riptorn Celebrity Drunk Tank.
And as always, remember, celebrities are just like you and me, except drunk and fucking beautiful.
All right, that was Riptor's Hollywood Drunk Tank.
All the voices are performed by Mike McRae.
That's right.
Mike McRae can be found at MikeMcRae.com for all of your comedy needs.
And don't forget, we've got a lot of extra stuff coming up on the premium episode this week.
So if you haven't gotten your premium passcode, go get it.
All the voices on today's show perform by Mike McRae, who can be found at MikeMcRae.com for all your comedy needs.
Special thanks to our guest, Dylan Brody, for sitting in.
And you can hear his rant on gay marriage coming up in the premium content along with a lot of other stuff.
You can get his new CD at iTunes.
It's called Rit Large, Dylan Brody's new comedy CD, Rit Large.
And I'll have a link for that at my website also.
And coming up on the premium content this week, we're going to have Ted Nassidy.
Ted Nugent makes a jackass out of himself again.
Paul Ryan exposes himself for a hypocrite on Morning Joe, and we make fun of it.
Chris Matthews, again, a jackass getting Social Security wrong.
And there's a lot lot more.
I can't think of it right now off the top of my head, but it's all coming up.
That's on the premium content, and you know how to get that.
That's this week on the premium content.
Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Mark Van Landu at Steve Rosenfield, Robert Yasimura, Mike McRae, Frank Conniff, and Steph Zamorano and Dylan Brody.
All right, that's this week.
Don't forget, April 27th, it's the Saturday, last Saturday in April.
We'll see you at the improv in West Hollywood.
Links for tickets are at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
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