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April 27, 2013 - Jimmy Dore Show
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20130427_The_Jimmy_Dore_Show__4-26-13
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Before we start the show, I want to let everybody know if you're in the Hollywood area, we're doing the Big Jimmy Door show at the Hollywood Improv April 27th.
That's Saturday night.
Depending on when you listen to, it doesn't change.
It's still going to be April 27th, Saturday night.
Two shows, 8 and 10 p.m.
There's links at jimmydorecomedy.com.
It's the improv Hollywood.
Okay, let's get to the show.
The Jimmy Dore show starts right now.
This week, all five living presidents met for the dedication of the George W. Bush Library and Museum.
Strangely, for years, Bill Clinton has been quite friendly with Bush, but we all know how much Clinton needs to be liked.
I haven't seen the Bush Library yet, but I hear it's beautifully whitewashed.
Four years out of office, Bush is still remembered as the only president who is so bad his image was improved by a terrorist attack.
His presidency was marred by numerous tragedies, not the least of which is everybody still has to call him Mr. President.
The library costs $300 million, or roughly the cost of the Iraq war on any given Tuesday.
In front of the museum stands a bronze statue of Bush to symbolize that virtually any six-foot hunk of metal could have done a better job.
One of the library's interactive exhibits shows the difficult choices Bush was faced with and simulates what it's like to have all of your important decisions made by Dick Cheney.
Of course, there are numerous artifacts, a steel beam from the World Trade Center, Bush's bullhorn, and thousands of uncounted votes for Gore.
The library officially opens on May 1st, the 10th anniversary of Bush's announcement that the war was over with only seven years to go.
All told, the Iraq war cost $800 billion and created a corrupt, violent, undemocratic country now dominated by Iran.
My point is, Bill Clinton can make friends with anybody.
Bill Clinton It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
...the kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you, T. And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore!
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's episode.
I am joined in the studio across the glass from me, former writer for The Daily Show and the author of Morning Remembrance, funny obituaries of real dead people.
It's Ham Radio's Jim Earl.
Hey, Jim, how are you?
Next to him.
That was a real laugh.
That's my new laugh.
Next to him, hilarious comedian, curator of the fake gallery here in Los Angeles.
It's my good friend Paul Kozlowski's with us.
Hey, Paul, how are you?
Just talking to this thing right here?
Yes, yes.
Okay.
Let me put this up.
Across from him, hilarious comedian from Team Yasamura.
It's Robert Yasamura.
Hey, Robert.
How are you?
And we got next to him, former writer for The Daily Show, hilarious comedian.
You heard him at the top of the show.
It's Steve Rosenfield.
Hey, Steve, how are you?
Good, Jimmy.
How are you?
I'm doing fantastic.
And if you hear that female voice, a host of Comedy and Everything Else, it's Steph Zamarano.
Hey, Steph, how are you?
Okay.
I don't know if that's appropriate.
She is spicy.
All right, let's do some jokes before we get to the jokes.
Did you hear George W. Bush's library opened?
Yes, George Bush's library.
The gift shop claims to have weapons of mass destruction figurines, but nobody can find them.
There you go, huh?
George W. Bush said this.
They asked him, does he still talk to Dick Cheney?
He said, my relationship with Dick Cheney is cordial.
Translation, even I think he's a hey, did you hear that?
That Ryacin, is that how you say it?
Ryson?
Riceon.
Ryson.
Okay, the charges in the Ryson case, they dropped the charges against the Elvis impersonator, and now they're focused on a ventriloquist and a Rush tribute band.
You know, Jimmy, Brown Ryson is better for you.
Yeah, that's what I hear.
You know, thousands aren't around to read books at the George W. Bush Library because he didn't read Bin Laden Determined to Strike in the U.S. Hey, Max Baucus is leaving the Senate.
And yeah, people are excited for the opportunity to finally get a Democrat in that seat.
Right in your ass.
Single.
He was great on Gilligan's Island.
And he was.
He did.
I did like him on that.
Did you know that we had Earth Day this past week?
Earth Day happened.
Did you know that?
And on Earth Day, we celebrate the organic and environmental consciousness that enables whole foods to be so effing expensive.
All right, what's coming up on today's show?
Well, fascinating.
We look at how the Fox News and the right wing has been looking at the Boston bombing, and it's fascinating how Fox News gives full vent to the Muslim hatred and fascist fantasies of the right wing.
It's a black and white world with them, but mostly white.
We're going to take a look at that and the CNN coverage of the Boston tragedy, CNN, where N stands for knowledge.
And the FBI had the bombers on their radar, except their radar wasn't turned on.
Plus, a ton of praise this week for George Bush, keeping us safe from terrorism ever since that time.
He didn't.
Plus, phone calls from Ernst Bowles, God, and the new CNN president, Jeff Zucker, calls in.
And there's Tuesdays with moron, plus a lot lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Door.
Oh, we have a sponsor, though.
We actually have a sponsor today.
Who's our sponsor?
Jimmy, this portion of the show is brought to you by Clemato.
Loves the great taste of Clemato?
Then you'll really love the fantastic new taste of Squid Tado.
That's squid and potatoes in a refreshing new blend that will keep you asking for more.
Squid Tado and now new octo asparagus.
Ask for them by name.
Okay, that's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
Time for another installment of Oh My God.
This week's Oh My God segment, you know, the founding pastor of the Washington State mega church, his name is, it's the Mars Hill Church.
The pastor is Mark Driscoll.
And he said that people often misunderstood the Bible's teaching on what it meant for a wife to submit to her husband.
And well, let's just take a little listen to what his ideas are.
Ready?
Ladies, tune in.
Some women, you're a nag.
Right off the bat, huh?
Right off the bat, he's doing good work.
You're disrespectful.
You're quarrelsome.
Being married to you is like a life sentence.
I think this guy really does know what Jesus wants.
It sounds like he knows exactly what the Bible means.
Is his wife sitting in the front pew just seething?
No, I'm guessing she's enjoying it.
She's submitting like Jesus says.
I am like that.
I think he's working on a tight five here.
Sounds like it.
Here we go.
Let's get back.
Just scratching on his wall every day.
One more day.
Just one more day.
He's killing.
I don't know if you're here.
That counts as a comedy in the church.
Here we go.
Proverbs talks about certain women.
They're like a dripping faucet.
You ever tried to sleep with a dripping faucet?
Plunk, plunk, plunk, plunk, plunk.
It's what we use to torture people who are prisoners of war.
A wife is like that.
She just, boom, boom, boom, boom.
Some guys, then they read Proverbs and they see the verse where it says, it's better to live on the corner of the roof than in the house with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife.
Guys are like, yes.
I have camping gear and I'm ready to apply the word of God, right?
And just.
Yeah, the word of God, which says you should shut up.
God says, shut up and leave me alone and get me a beer and cook me something.
You know, Jimmy, if your wife is like a dripping faucet, she probably has gonorrhea.
Now, Steph, you're not like, your faucet doesn't drip, does it?
I don't think so, Jimmy.
Okay, here you go.
This guy's got more to say.
This is the patient.
This is the pastor of the mega church in Washington, his pastor Mark Driscoll.
People misunderstanding the Bible's teaching on what it means for a wife to submit to her husband.
This is clearing it up for us, right?
He's clearing it up.
Here we go.
Get my ladder, climb on my roof, set up my tent, and pull up my ladder.
That's killing.
Killing.
Some of you women are like, I am not quarrelsome.
One for me.
Because she said, I'm not quarrelsome, but she said it in a quarrelsome way.
He got her.
Ha ha, you can't ever say anything to me.
I have the Lord.
So you can be equal and under authority.
Yeah.
That's why I'm not.
Well, you can, I don't think so.
I don't think so either.
I don't know how that works.
We're equal, except I tell you what to do.
All right, is that cool?
Do you got that?
That's what Jesus says.
A teacher is not more valuable than a student.
It's why a political leader is not more valuable than a citizen.
Yeah, but they're not equal.
That's not what you said.
You said equal.
They're not more valuable, but they're not equal.
It means that someone is leading and someone is deferring to that leadership.
That's why a player is not less of a human or valuable than the coach.
Hey, don't be a player hater.
That's all I'm saying.
Have these relationships all the time.
And if a police officer pulls you over, you can't say, hey, we're equal and you have no right to write me a ticket.
In fact, I'm writing you a ticket.
That's actually, we're not.
I got to get his album.
He's killing this whole thing.
You know, the midnight show is spicier than the dinner show.
Yeah, but it's still funny.
Yeah, he's going to be on live at Gotham, I think.
You know, his voice sounds like the fat guy and curb your enthusiasm.
Oh, it does.
It does.
Jeff Garland.
He does sound a little like Jeff Garland.
Submission, right?
Ladies, to respect and to submit is to be like Jesus.
To be like Jesus.
Remember how Jesus submitted to everybody?
Yeah, he submitted so much they, I don't know, they put him up on a cross and put nails through his hands and feet.
Sure.
But his marriage didn't go well either.
No.
Let's see if there's anything left.
You want to be like Jesus?
Yes.
That's one of the ways.
Submit.
And we learn to be like Jesus.
Yeah, there you go.
How do men learn to be like Jesus?
How do you go to the bathhouse with the other fellas?
I found it very valuable, Jimmy.
Thank you for playing this for me.
This section of the show, Jimmy, is brought to you by Wilson's itchy testicle cream.
It's like a good long scratch when nobody's looking in a bottle.
Wilson's itchy testicle cream.
The name says it all.
This has been, oh my God.
Oh my God.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Thank you.
So Barack Obama went to the city of West in Texas where that fertilizer plant blew up, right?
Killed 114 people.
Did that really?
No, I'm sorry.
No, that killed 14 people.
14 people.
Wow, okay.
I added a one.
Yeah, you did.
Okay.
I'm sorry, I got the XL Spedge spreadsheet.
So Barack Obama was down there to give a speech for the George Bush library, which is hilarious.
And then I guess he was close enough, he swung by.
They had this thing for the people who died in this.
And he was talking about how good the city of West was and why we need cities like this in America.
And this kind of just stuck.
This was just today.
This stuck out to me.
America needs towns that holds fundraisers to help folks pay the medical bills.
I don't know.
Let's play that again.
What does America need, Barack?
America needs towns that holds fundraisers to help folks pay the medical bills.
And then take the time to drop off a home-cooked meal because they know a family's under stress.
Yes, America needs towns that will hold a fundraiser for medical bills because we're the kind of America doesn't have medical people.
We decided not to take care of that.
We decided not to be the kind of country that has medical care.
The kind of America where you can afford a meal and have health coverage.
We don't want that.
No, no, no.
No, I just thought...
Yes.
I'm sorry, fertilizer.
That's okay.
Plenty of fertilizer.
That just kind of stuck out to me during that speech.
Nobody goes, yeah, why do we have to have fundraisers every time somebody gets there's a fundraiser for the guys who got hurt in Boston?
There's a fundraiser for the people in West and Texas.
It's just like, why do we have to keep doing this?
Can't we just provide medical care to people when they're dying?
Is it really that hard?
We really can't figure this out in America.
And I see nothing wrong with privatizing our catastrophes.
I'm all for privatizing our catastrophes.
And by the way, it's the same thinking that there's a good chance led to this explosion.
Because they're very lightly regulated in Texas.
And this fertilizer plant was not being policed the way it would be in, say, California or New York.
We need more poop inspectors.
We sure do.
And Rick Perry actually said that the people in Texas are comfortable with their level of inspections.
Didn't he say that?
Yeah.
Yes.
Okay.
The town of West is located very close to the town of Wayco.
Okay.
You still doing Ponzi?
Yeah.
I got you.
You know what?
I don't mean to disparage that town, but when that fertilizer plant exploded, everyone in the town was a shad.
All right.
Okay, you know what?
We have one.
I've got a one-minute rant here from Steph Sembrano.
Steph hit it.
Just last week, a nonpartisan report released by the Constitution Project announced it is indisputable that after the 9-11 attacks, the United States engaged in the practice of torture.
On the bright side, this week, President George W. Bush attended the dedication of the George W. Bush Library and Museum.
Bush shared, there was a time in his life he wouldn't be found in a library, much less found one.
What a kidder.
But he quickly turned serious and acknowledged the controversy surrounding his tenure.
He said, one of the benefits of freedom is that people can disagree.
It's fair to say I created plenty of opportunities to exercise that right.
And when future generations come to this library and study this administration, they're going to find out that we stayed true to our convictions.
When our freedom came under attack, we made the tough decisions required to keep people safe.
I wonder, when you entered the Bush Library, if you have to go through any security or remove one's shoes or submit to waterboarding.
Right now, prisoners at Gitmo are nearing death due to their hunger strikes.
And this week, President Bush Sr., President Carter, President Clinton, and President Obama attended this special event to honor a very special war criminal.
Hey.
Isn't a library in honor of George W. Bush similar to giving Dick Cheney a moral compass?
This is Steph Zamarano, the miserable liberal.
Back to you, Jimmy Jimmy.
So the FBI, it turns out, the FBI knew who the bomber was all along, right?
So they were even investigating him.
The Russian government tipped off the American government that these guys were dangerous.
But people are now pointing the finger at the FBI.
And I wonder why is that?
That we now know the FBI questioned Tamerlane Sarnaya, the older brother, in 2011 after Russian authorities warned the U.S. they thought he may have connections to radical Islam.
After a thorough investigation, the FBI found no evidence that Tamerlane was connected to any domestic or foreign terrorism activity and cleared him.
Wow.
So there you go.
They'd already been investigating him and they cleared him.
So it's a good thing they do those investigations.
Otherwise, something bad might happen.
Something bad might happen.
It's a good thing.
They sniffed him out right away.
So let me get this straight.
They had the guy before he did it.
They knew who he was and he got cleared by the FBI.
Yet I have to still take my shoes off and let a guy touch my junk if I want to fly to Phoenix.
That sounds fair.
You've got to stop flying with those pressure cookers.
I guess that's it.
People are taking, are upset at the FBI about this.
Look, listen to what they're saying about the FBI.
The ball was dropped in one of two ways.
The FBI missed a lot of things as one potential answer or our laws do not allow the FBI to follow up in a sound, solid way.
That's Lindsey Graham pointing out that the problem might be our laws that don't allow the FBI to randomly break into people's homes and look for bombs while they're out praying in Mecca.
It's Obama's fault.
I'm going to say it's Obama's fault.
That's Lindsey Graham.
So there's some more people angry at the FBI.
Did the FBI fail?
I would say they probably something slipped through the cracks for them.
I don't think so.
I think the FBI was very thorough.
They asked Tamerland if he was a terrorist, and he said no.
What else do you want them to do?
I mean, can't be any more direct than that.
The TSA should use that same method at the airport.
Just ask me if I'm planning to hijack the plane, and if I say no, you don't x-ray my ball.
How about that?
Does that seem fair?
I'm on the side of the FBI on this.
As am I. Sure, the Russians warned us about that guy, but they put girl rock groups in prison.
They're busting everybody over there.
All right, let's go.
A little bit more.
FBI dropped the ball here.
There's no question.
They dropped the ball here.
There's no doubt about it.
If he was on the radar and they let him go, he's on the Russians' radar.
And why wasn't a flag put on him?
This is at least the fifth case I'm aware of where the FBI has failed to stop someone who ultimately became a terrorist murderer.
You know, but on the bright side, this is an opportunity for the GOP to make people forget they voted against gun control.
Think about it.
They care.
They do care.
They're going to do what the GOP will do, whatever it takes to keep Americans safe.
Unless there's six year olds at a school.
That's other than that, They're going to make sure.
I want to be protected against your b.
Yes, I be too.
I think that is important.
You may scoff and mock at that.
I am.
But I'm still going to.
I'm glad they put a wand around it and x-ray it and do everything they possibly can to neuter it.
The FBI, Jim, says that they worry about the lone wolves and the lone roofs.
And the lone roofs, but mostly the lone wolves.
And the reason is those are always the guys that get past them.
That's why they're worried.
That's why they're always worried.
We can't stop a lone wolf by.
But then there's this guy at Fox, the ultimate suck up to power, Bill Hemmer.
Listen to what he said about the FBI.
Terrific work by the FBI and the police, especially in the past five days of last week.
Wait, whoa, whoa.
Bill, didn't you not get the talking point memo?
Didn't Karl Rove sent you an email that what you're supposed to say about the F. We're not, we don't like the FBI.
That's being said based on what we're learning right now.
Did they drop the ball?
Okay, all right.
So he's back.
They either did a great job or they dropped the ball, and we're going to find out which one it is.
They did a great job last week, but they might have dropped the ball.
Okay, thanks.
That's Bill Hemmer upset about that.
No, let's look at the way CNN.
So now we all know they screwed up last week, right?
So they screwed up by saying that they had gotten the second bomber when they hadn't gotten the second bomber, and they reported it a couple of times, and then they reported that the guy had brown skin.
Remember that?
Let's listen to that.
It was described to me as a dark-skinned male individual.
I was told by one of these sources who was a law enforcement official that this was a dark-skinned male.
A source who had been briefed on the investigation, I could say, I should say, that the suspect was a dark-skinned male.
And then that was John King, and he went on to even say that he had a Muslim, yet he had a Middle Eastern complexion, which you know, the Hummington Post reported that one of the suspects was showing some side boob.
There we go.
You're on it.
So I was watching CNN, and they had the guy come on, and he started to talk about the way the media had misreported the Boston bombing suspect apprehension.
And I was like, oh, this guy's going to bust CNN's right on CNN.
He's going to give it to him.
Well, let's listen to what he says, and you'll see why I have to say that.
And I love the way that we've been cautious at each step here.
He loves the way that they've been cautious at each step.
Each step they've been cautious, except for that time when they weren't, and they got the story completely wrong.
And I love the way that we've been cautious at each step here.
And we know the last four days, the police have made errors.
Eyewitnesses have made errors.
It's easy to make errors.
I think you skip somebody.
The police made errors.
The eyewitnesses made errors.
I don't know if you remember that.
Don't you guys saying brown-skinned, and they had him?
Remember that stuff?
But one of the things to keep in mind is that we aren't good at our jobs.
And so we are under ratings, pressures like everybody.
Most of the guys here aren't even news people.
Let's be honest, right?
I mean, I don't know.
Where did Anderson Cooper come from?
So then they got so nervous at CNN that they were afraid to report anything for a little while, right?
So I was watching this one guy, and he was trying to get a live report.
He was reading his phone.
Someone just gave him some information.
And let's listen to this.
I got a note, apparently, from state police spokesman David Procopio, who.
Well, I don't want to go with that just yet.
I can tell you that.
I'm scared.
Yeah, he told me to stop making crap up.
I think that's what he was telling me.
I'm sorry, folks.
He thinks I'm really cute on camera.
I'm sorry, folks.
I lost confidence in my own judgment since John Keenan make us look like as reliable as a drunk teenager.
So I'm not going to report this right now.
Trust me, folks, the information on this note is unbelievable.
But first, a word from our sponsors.
Okay.
Verizon is offering me a discount on this.
I mean, that's kind of wild, right?
The guy I'm being handed a note there.
It's like, oh, this is, oh, I can't.
I'm not going to say this.
You're on the news.
You can't do that.
You can't tease me like that.
That last joke was brought to you by the Malibu Center for Despair.
Seriously, boomed out?
Check in and commiserate with people without hope, just like you.
The Malibu Center for Despair.
The best self-absorption money can buy.
Yes, every day is a pity party at the Malibu Center for Despair.
You know, actually, Jeff Zucker actually got him on the phone to talk about CNN and what have you.
Joining me on the phone right now is former president of NBC and current president of CNN, Jeff Zucker.
Mr. Zucker, I would like to ask you about the Boston and the big disaster.
Look, as I said before, moving Leno to 10 o'clock seemed like a good idea at the time.
No.
Mr. Zucker, I mean the CNN coverage of the terrorist bombing.
Oh, that.
Well, thank you.
I am very proud of the work we did covering the Newton marathon.
Newtown?
No, no, I'm talking about the Boston marathon bombings.
Ryan, right?
But Newtown was a thing, too, Ryan.
Yes, of course.
I knew it.
I knew I had heard about Newtown somewhere.
Look, you're the head of CNN.
Are you at all interested in current events?
To an extent?
And at CNN, we always get our facts right.
They're just not always the facts that pertain to the stories we're covering.
Well, for instance, last week, one of your chief correspondents got something totally wrong.
Really?
Where did that happen?
Boston.
Boston.
Why would one of my chief correspondents be in Boston?
We operate out of New York in Atlanta.
The terrorist bombing happened in Boston.
Hey, kids.
Thanks for telling me.
I mean, now that I'm the head of a news organization, I live for informational tidbits like that.
Do you even know the name of the CNN correspondent I'm talking about?
Of course I do.
Give me a moment.
It's wait.
I know this.
I'll give you a hint.
His last name is King.
Got it.
Martin Luther King.
Am I right?
No.
But Martin Luther King is a famous person, right?
I mean, I know I've heard his name somewhere.
Okay, all right.
This is pointless.
CNN is awful, and it doesn't seem like you're going to do anything about it.
Not doing anything.
Are you kidding me?
If you think CNN is crap now, wait till I get through with him.
Did you know how we're bringing back Crossfire with Newt Gingrich as a host?
That is an actual fact, not some joke that a comedy writer made up for a f ⁇ .
Would you not do this show with Andrew Cooper and Kathy Griffin?
I'm serious.
We really are.
Don't tell me.
I haven't done anything.
I've been running this bitch into the ground since day one.
Well, I'm sorry I doubted you, Mr. Zucker.
Screw you, Dor.
Don't you dare ever underestimate me.
Nobody fails up for my Jeff Zucker.
Nobody.
And just to spite you, I'm going to give Whitney Cummings another show.
You certainly know how to hurt a fella.
Hell, I've been hurting the entire culture ever since I got into the TV business.
You and everybody.
Good night, Jimmy.
Thanks for having me on.
Okay, that was Jeff Zucker calling in to let us know how things are going over ahead at CNN.
Jeff Zucker was brought to you by Mr. and Mrs. Zucker.
Yes, sperm and egg doesn't get any better than this.
The suckers.
The suckers.
And now a reading from the book Morning Remembrance.
Funny Obituaries of Real Dead People by Jim Earle.
Eugene Landy, Brian Wilson's 24-hour a day therapist.
Let's start dying now.
Everybody's learning how come to a big funeral with me.
Eugene Landy, the psychotherapist who for almost two decades was responsible for wheeling out Brian Wilson's drug-soaked whale-sized body to the amusement and horror of countless ripped-off Beach Boys fans, died last month after hysterically laughing himself to the bank one too many times.
Many believe Landy was responsible for Wilson's successful comeback in the early 1980s after the singer had spent years being stuck in the doorway of a giant walk-in meat freezer.
It's a big appetite to be large, very large man.
Landy's treatment included padlocking the refrigerator, forcing Wilson to exercise, and on mornings when he wouldn't get up, shocking Brian out of bed with videos of Mike loves creepy dancing.
By 1990, Landy had wormed himself into Wilson's life so much that he was acting as his business partner, and at one point even took over his father's former job of beating him on the head with a two by four.
Landy requested his body keep constant vigil over Brian Wilson in order to make sure he never teams up again with Charlie Manson.
Or even worse, Van Dyke Parks.
Very nice.
That was a reading from the book Morning Remembrance.
Funny obituaries of real dead people by Jim Earle.
Available at jimearl.com.
Hello, podcast listeners.
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Okay, let's get back to the second half.
Hi, welcome back to the Jimmy Door Show.
I'm joined in the studio by two former writers from the Daily Show, Steve Rosenfield and Jim Earl, plus hilarious comedians Robert Yasimura and Paul Kozlowski, and the host of Comedy and Everything Else, Steph Zamarano, on the phone from New York and Mystery Science Theater 3000.
it's TV's Frank.
Frank Conniff is on the phone.
And coming up in the second half hour, we're going to be talking about Plus Tuesdays with more on.
Plus, we're going to have some more tickets for the big show tomorrow night.
Stay tuned for that.
But right now, let's get back to the studio.
So people, why did they make such a big deal out of John King misreporting that the attacker had brown skin?
Why are they...
I don't know.
I was watching, they put this together.
Actually, the Rachel Maddow show put this mashup together.
And here is how they've been talking about since they found out the bombers were Muslim.
Here's how they've been talking about it in right-wing media, basically on Fox.
This is Bob Beckle, by the way.
Bob Beckle is a Democrat, but yeah, so he's a big Democrat, and he's supposed to be the liberal on the panel over at the five.
He's the Alan Combs.
Except the thing about Alan Combs never let his positions get usurped by the people.
He never became a right-winger.
Alan Combs did stay a left-winger.
Oh, no, Alan Combs never became a right-winger.
He was always a left-winger who lost every argument he could.
He was just a horrible debater, and that's why Sean picked him.
And so, you know, he was a kid.
Anyway, so here is Bob Beckle, and here's how they're talking about this over at Fox.
We know there's one bottom line.
In the Muslim communities around the world, they do not like us.
Okay, which works out fine because we hate their guts too, apparently, right?
Wow.
I mean, how much longer are we going to let this peace-loving majority of Muslims in this country hide the bad apples so we can't find them?
That's what's happening.
Very clever of them.
Yes.
Okay.
Also, when are we going to start profiling right-wing extremists?
Huh?
We know they hate government.
All these white people and these militias.
They hate us.
These native-born Caucasians.
All right, here's just more to it.
American Muslims.
They largely remain silent.
He just said that the moderate Muslims largely remain silent, even though in Canada, it was the Muslim community that just turned in those two guys who were planning to bomb the trains up in Canada.
I don't know if you guys heard about that story, but it was actually the Muslims at the mosque.
And guess what?
The Muslims threw the guy who was this bomber?
They threw him out of their mosque.
They said he was too crazy, and he said, get out.
They threw him out of their mosque.
So let's just remember that.
The one, the guy that was killed was too crazy for the mosque.
And the guy who's still alive didn't even participate in the churches or anything like that.
Yes, this is all correct.
By the way, I can't imagine why moderate Muslims wouldn't want to have a stronger voice in the American public, what with them being shouted down every single time by people like this.
Right.
Remember, they wouldn't even let them open a mosque in Manhattan.
I can't even tell the difference between them and Mexican.
Because they're sneaking in, Stephanie.
Yes.
So I'm going to play this all the way through.
And the first, because when I listened to this, the first time through, it sounded funny.
And then when I was playing it back to like edit it and get it ready for the show, Steph said to me, she goes, wow, that sounds horrible the second time.
That's my act.
So let's just, I'm going to let this play and then we'll go back and take it.
Here's a situation we all face in America.
The giant is real.
Radical Muslims are killing innocent people and threatening the world.
You know, we bring these people in, even though they're radical Muslims.
We have to figure they don't much like us.
We bring amendments.
Let me just say this about the access that Muslims have in this country, whether they're American Muslims or whether they're here on a student visa, it is enormous, the access that they have, and it is virtually all radical.
Senator, very quickly, there are some who are getting very leery of all the Muslim students in America.
What other theology in this world justifies murdering innocent people?
The answer is only radical Islam allows terror murder.
That's the truth.
He's also very dangerous.
He's kind of been like the Muslim apologist in Congress for a long time.
He swore, he raised his right hand and took the oath of office on the Quran.
If you remember in 2007, Keith Ellison did.
I think it's time for profiling, though, don't you?
Andre, I think it's time for profiling because okay, so there.
So it's kind of funny when you listen to it.
But if you listen to it a second time, it just gets really sad.
It gets scary.
They have a lot of access.
I mean, one of them became president.
They get more access than that.
They're upset that Keith Ellison, who is a Muslim in Congress, right, that he, instead of swearing in on the Bible because it's not his religion, he swore in on the Quran, the book from his religion.
And so that's a religious litmus.
What they just did is like the worst thing.
That's religious bigotry.
Talk about the war on religion.
What the hell is that?
It's only cool.
One religion's only cool in America.
You've got to be Jewish or Christian because then you can use the Bible to swear in.
Any other religion, you're suspect to these guys.
Can we just profile the women who marry and go out with these guys?
Yes.
The dead bomber had a wife and a kid.
Way to go, gals.
That's a good taste there.
That's all I'm saying.
Okay, that's my beef.
The Chechens are beautiful people.
They're very handsome.
You know, the women go for the Chechens.
You know, I'm just saying a Muslim congressman took an oath on the Quran, which is wrong because this is a secular society and you're supposed to take the oath on the Holy Bible.
It's just as well that he didn't take that.
It's really really sneaky of Keith Ellison to openly tell everyone that he's a Muslim and then get sworn in on the Quran and then just be openly a Muslim to anyone who wants to know about his religion.
Something is afoot here.
Well, if he's not trying to hide something, then why doesn't he go by his Muslim name?
Why does he go by Keith?
Yes.
That's to lull us into a false state of serenity.
You know, listening to these guys say this stuff, like literally marginalizing a whole section of American populace and saying, and, you know, Pitt getting the pitchforks out.
This is what this is, right?
You guys have a different religion than me, so we're coming after you because two maniacs who happen to be citizens, by the way, decided to blow up.
That has nothing.
So let me just say this.
It made me think of that saying that the price of liberty is eternal vigilance.
And what we need to be vigilant against is these crazy right-wingers who couldn't care less about the Constitution.
They only care.
What they really only care about is a couple of lines in the Second Amendment.
That's really all they care about.
And white privilege.
These are the same guys who put Japanese in.
These are the same.
And these bombers, they were from the Caucas region of Russia.
Yes.
Where Caucasians come from?
Caucasians, yeah.
That's true.
You know what, Robert?
Well, you can't, well, you just be quiet about the Japanese internment camp.
That's all we ever hear from you.
Except for never.
I'm really sick and tired of hearing your problem.
That's the thing that really bothered me when he said these Muslims have so much access.
They have the same access that we all do to this country.
They are citizens.
They have the access of citizenship, and that's what he was objecting to.
Yes.
And that's the access of evil.
And you know what's sadder on Fox News than a conservative is a liberal, so-called liberal like Bob Becker.
Bob Beckley.
Just dead inside.
Hey, I'm not going to sit here.
No, when you see him talk, he's just, there's nothing inside of him.
All joy has been sucked out.
I'm just, you know, if you guys are going to badmouth Beckley.
Just for that.
Yeah.
It's for that.
Bad mouth Beckle.
I loved when Ted Danson played him on that sitcom, but otherwise.
Hey, I got a phone call from Tuesdays with Moron.
Oh!
Oh, boy.
Okay, here we go.
Hi, who's this?
Who's on the phone with me?
Hey, Jimmy, how you doing?
It's moron.
Hey, moron, how you doing, buddy?
Haven't heard from you in a while.
This is two weeks in a row.
You're calling in.
You know, I like to vote against my own economic interest.
And I always follow my leaders right or wrong unless they are a Democrat or a black.
But I got a bone to pick with you.
Oh, really?
What's the butt's the bone you have to pick up?
Listen, what's with all you lefty liberal crybabies getting your panties in the wad over us good Americans as being mad at the Muslims as terrorists?
I don't think anybody's upset with you being mad at Muslims.
We're just upset with the, well, don't you think that demonizing all the Muslims because of the actions of a few is grossly unfair and has no place in this?
No.
Really?
Wouldn't that be the same thing if people demonized all Christians?
for the horrible stuff that some of them did because we invaded Iraq well what about what we invaded Iraq illegally started a war illegally and killed we killed thousands of children on a lie.
I mean, I'm just saying that when we kill people over in Iraq, hundreds of thousands of people, we kill people in Afghanistan.
No.
Yes.
Are you saying that Iraqi lives aren't worth as much as American lives?
Yes.
Well, how could you say that?
Kind of.
I mean, God doesn't like them as much because they ate daylight the wrong god, and you're going to go to hell for that.
But what do you tell?
What do you what's your I don't understand, Moron.
What are you talking about?
They don't like the same God.
Well, I'm talking about Jim is they don't worship Jesus to Christ.
And guess what?
I can understand why they're so angry.
They don't get no Christmases, never.
No Christmases makes you a maniac.
I mean, if I had no Christmases, I'd be putting a bomb in a pot, too.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, I guess so, but that doesn't.
Listen, Moron.
But that's not my point.
What is your point?
Well, why would you hate Christians when we invaded Iraq and liberated all those people from tyrannies?
And we did it.
We did it with real bombs and bullets made in a real factory.
We didn't go over here with pressure cookers filled with fertilizer like an animal Muslim.
You know, Moron, I don't follow it.
Not too hard to follow, Jim.
Christians don't blow up people at kitchen cookware.
That's inhuman.
We kill people with approved weapons of war.
So that makes us much better than those animal Muslims who killed three people in Bostons.
Well, what about the hundreds of thousands killed in Iraq, Moron?
How can you compare the horror of killing hundreds of thousands of men, women, and children to the horror of a bomb that killed three Americans?
What are you saying?
Huh?
I'm saying how can you compare the lives of hundreds of thousands of Iraqis against three Americans?
What do you?
Yeah, how can you do that?
I just did this.
We kill with nice, regular Christian weapons.
And they use evil Muslim ones that kill kids and blows our people's legs off.
It's that simple, Jim.
Yeah, well, civilized Christians use nice bombs that have paint on them and are made in a factory.
And Muslims are animals that use crude bombs, have mass destruction, and kill kids.
I don't see what you're not getting this, Jim.
How are you not getting this?
I can't get out of the chair, my backpack.
What happened, Teresa?
My backstiffened off in this goddamn chair.
Here, let me help you.
Use this new forever comfy I got you.
What is it?
It's the forever comfy cushion.
It's a new foam and gel combination that provides a layer of support to make every chair more comfortable.
It features a gel core that is surrounded by two layers of foam for maximum comfort, Teres.
It's perfect for use in your home, your car, or office.
I don't have an office.
Yeah, but in case you have a visit to office or something, then you can take this with you if you have a big purse and then you can sit on it there then.
Can't I just take bike at it?
No, Teresa, you know how it doesn't.
You can't poop when you take that.
What are you doing talking about my poop while you're on the phone with Jimmy?
It doesn't matter.
You mean it?
Okay.
Okay, Moron.
Alright, buddy.
Alright, buddy.
I'm coming in.
Okay, that was another Tuesdays with Moron.
Days with Moron is brought to you by Blerm from the Makers of Slam.
It's new Blurm.
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If you're looking for a smooth, fresh, invigorating schmerf, now available in your grocery's dairy case.
Fantastic.
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So I don't know if you've heard, but there's, I guess, because of the George Bush library being open, or I don't know what's going on, but the right wing is kind of freaking out.
And they're doing this thing about they're trying to pretend 9-11 doesn't count again.
Remember, Rudolph Giuliani said this in 2010.
Remember when he said this?
We had no domestic attacks under Bush.
We've had one.
Under Obama.
Well, that's Rudy Giuliani, the guy walking around Manhattan with a mask over his face on 9-11, forgetting that we had the 9-11.
That one.
That one time.
That one time.
We forgot.
So here's Congressman Tom Cotton.
Congressman Tom Cotton from Arkansas.
And he said this on the...
That's serious.
And he's from Arkansas.
And he's from Arkansas.
And this is what he said on the floor of the Congress the other day.
Barely four years in office.
Five jihadists have reached their targets in the United States under Barack Obama.
It's over seven years after 9-11 under George W. Bush.
How many terrorists reached their target in the United States?
Zero.
Yes, they certainly know no terrorists have attacked the United States under George Bush, you know, since that since that one time.
Other than that, that's like the bodyguards for Lincoln bragging.
Hey, nobody ever shot him twice.
There's just that one.
You check his head.
There's just that one hole, and the rest of it's clean as a whistle.
There was that one time, and they still there were still many productions of our American cousin afterwards.
That play was still funny.
Here's Eric Foyling over at the Fox 5.
Here's what he says.
I will tell you one thing.
From 9-12-01 till the time President Obama raised his right hand, January of 2009, the man kept us safe.
And there you certainly can't say that since President Obama has taken the oath of office.
Do you remember all the serenity all of us felt on 9-12-01?
How peaceful everything was?
There was the terrorist attack the day before, but everything was better.
I remember saying, well, that's out of the way.
Yeah, I was like, oof, glad we got that done with.
Sure.
To be fair, he did send Americans overseas to get killed.
So he kind of had a delivery service.
I mean, they didn't have to come here.
I appreciate your fairness.
They, you know, appreciate your even-handedness.
just think he made it more convenient for them to not, you know.
Like, doesn't that...
When people say things like that on television, on the floor of the Congress, Rudy Giuliani said that on Good Morning America, it's like...
I think that's the big problem.
And that's exactly what that torture, the congressional report, I mean, the Constitutional Report on Torture said, that the news media isn't prepared to handle tough stories because what they usually do is just ask the one party what they think and the other party what they think.
And they consider that reporting.
They're all a bunch of Luke Russerts in the news.
So the Jimmy and that report on torture, the next show at the fake gallery got more media coverage than that torture report.
Yes, yes, it got 30 seconds.
The biggest torture report, biggest report that ever come, it's that George Bush was a war criminal.
No uncertain terms, by the way.
It said him, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, they were all war criminals, that they all ordered torture, and that that isn't, you can't split hairs.
There's no other side to this argument.
That was the bipartisan commission said that.
if you've watched news uh...
in the last week you know more about reverse mortgages when you do about that Okay, right now, joining me on the phone, a very special guest, a friend of the show.
It's God.
Hey, Jimmy, I'm going to a Quasar Tunnel, so my cell phone might break up.
I'll have to call you back.
Okay, no problem, God, but I do think it's a little odd that God has to use a cell phone.
Hey, I've got a great phone plan.
I'm just getting back from my lawyer's office.
Wait a minute.
You have a lawyer?
Hey, when you're God, you need a good lawyer.
Okay.
Well, listen, since we have you here, I'd like to hear your thoughts on what's been happening recently.
Something's been happening.
Yeah, terrorist bombings, school shootings, nuclear war being threatened.
I blame video games.
God, you blame video games for all the evil man does to his fellow man?
What do you want me to say?
That it's my fault?
Well, you are God, and you don't have anything to do with it.
Is that what you're saying?
Hey, look, it's very complicated, but there is evil in the world because, well, I gave you free will.
But you can't intervene?
Things are complicated.
Sometimes good comes from bad, like the beautiful sunsets you enjoy in California.
They're made even more beautiful by the air pollution, refracting from light.
So you allow eight-year-olds to be blown up because it might lead to something better.
Is that what you're telling me, God?
It's too complicated for your human brain to understand.
How about we focus on the positive?
How about all the funny stuff I do to take your mind off all the evil?
I never got credit for that.
Okay, yeah.
All right, like what?
Well, there's the George W. Bush Library opening this week.
That's pretty funny, right?
Yeah.
Doesn't that take some of the sting out of things for you?
That's some really top-shelf, ironic comedy.
Don't go to Fred 62 and think about it there.
Come on.
I get nothing.
No respect for you for that.
Okay, that is a good one.
That is a good one.
The world would be a lovely place if everybody would practice love your neighbor as yourself.
But what if I hate myself?
Well, that's why I invented psychotherapy and Viking.
Well, what are your thoughts on the new pope?
Let's talk about him.
Is he really going to be a pope for the poor?
Hey, he's not the first pope with a foot fetish.
Let me tell you that.
Holy pope.
Every pope is for the poor.
If it wasn't for the desperation of poverty, no one would believe in me.
Say, Jimmy, when was the last time you went to confession?
It's been, I guess it's been a long time, God.
You got to do it, man.
Going to confession is like clearing out your internet history.
Well, that reminds me, I have to.
Hey, hey, where do you think you're going?
That's for employees only.
God, what's that about?
Oh, I got to run a tight ship, Jimmy.
It ain't easy being omnipotent.
No, no kidding.
David Feldman has that problem.
But look what it said to him.
No, I said omnipotent.
Oh, oh.
Oh, that's different.
Okay.
Well, God, if you don't mind me saying, it's uncanny how much you sound like Frank Conniff.
Well, I use his voice because I don't like attracting attention to myself.
I mean, he's on Al Jazeera for crying out.
Usually I use a reverb machine when I talk to morals.
Makes what I say more impressive.
Are you planning to inspire any more best-selling books like the Bible, the Koran, or the Book of Mormon?
It's been a while.
I'm in the middle of changing my management.
So it'll depend on what kind of deal they can work out for me.
Oh, I see.
I see.
Well, Jimmy, I'm afraid I have to go.
That's okay, God.
I know you're busy.
I appreciate you taking time.
What are you going to be doing?
I'm going to be on a podcast.
Oh, really?
Which one?
It's called Film Tastic with three guys from Fresno.
We review movies.
I got a screener of the big wedding.
I give it three thumbs up and four stars.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure they'll put that on the poster.
It was good to talk to you, God.
Hey, Jimmy, thought you didn't believe in me.
I don't.
Well, then, who are you talking to?
Human beings are the craziest people.
All right.
That was God.
That was God.
That was a hilarious sketch.
God performed by Frank Connoff.
It actually wasn't God.
It was Frank stretching.
And if you'd like to hear some more stuff like that, there's about another 30 minutes or so of the show, and that's available in our premium content for our donors.
How do I become a donor, Jimmy?
It's just this easy.
You go to JimmyDoorComedy.com, and then when you start and you click a donate, you'll become a donator, and then I'm going to send you a passcode.
And if you haven't gotten, if you're a donator and you haven't gotten the passcode, send me an email at jimmydoor at earthlink.net.
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Okay?
And then everybody will be happy.
And thanks to all the donators who are already enjoying the premium content.
I appreciate you guys jumping on board early, being an early adopter.
Thank you very much.
It helps us grow and helps make the show better.
And maybe I would like to add multiple shows, more shows than one a week, but that's going to take a little couple of more people donating so we can spread our wings because it's goddamn lot of work to do these things, you know, on the level that we like to do it.
Anyway, so that's how you do it.
You go to jimmydoorcomedy.com, you become a donator, and then we send you a passcode, huh?
And that's how you support the show.
And I want to let you know that today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Frank Conniff, Steph Samorano, Mark Van Landuitt, Jim Earl, Steve Rosenfield, Robert Yasemura.
That's a lot of people.
That's right.
And, okay, send the voices.
You heard the voices that were performed.
You know who they were and everything and all that.
Oh, coming up on the premium content, Ernst and Bowles is a phone call from Ernst and Bowles.
Huh?
Didn't even know.
Didn't know we can do that.
We got a guy who can do the impression, Robert Yasemura.
Can do the impression.
It's amazing.
So a lot of stuff coming up in the premium content this week.
I want to say, give a shout out to Sean James, who helps fix my computer that I do this show on.
You wouldn't think Macintoshes would have that many problems.
But we have a lot, and he fixes them for me all the time.
It's Sean James.
And if you have a problem with your computer, he can take care of it for you.
Give him an email at MacHelp at SeanJames.com, or you give him a ring: 347-695-0601.
It's not an O, it's zero.
So, it's not an O. So, that's for Sean James.
And if you've got a problem with your Macintosh, he'll fix it for you.
Okay, so that's it.
Then, my dog is great, although he's starting to like my wife more than me, and that's going to be a problem.
So, all right, thanks.
Hey, by the way, we'll see you tomorrow night at the improv or whenever you listen to this.
I don't know.
It's April 27th.
We're going to do the Jimmy Door show, the Jimmy Dorn friends at the Hollywood Improv, 8 and 10 p.m.
Both shows.
It's a lot of work for me.
I'd rather just do one.
But we mixed up, and we're doing two shows.
Okay, so that's April 27th.
That's Saturday night, 8 and 10 p.m.
There's a link for tickets at jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And next weekend, May 3rd and 4th, I'm going to be out in Claremont, California.
If you don't know where that is, then I guess you're not coming.
But if you do know where that is, then you know where it is.
It's the Flappers Comedy Club in Claremont, California.
It's a fun little room, and I'll be out there Friday and Saturday, next Friday and Saturday, May 3rd and 4th.
Links for all these shows are at jimmydoorcomedy.com.
That's it for this week.
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