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April 5, 2013 - Jimmy Dore Show
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The Jimmy Dore Show starts right now.
40 years ago this week, the first call was made from a cell phone.
And believe it or not, it wasn't a guy talking way too loudly in a restaurant.
On April 3rd, 1973, Martin Cooper, a general manager at Motorola, called a rival at AT ⁇ T to tell him he had finally developed a mobile phone.
That was just the first of millions of calls made only for the purpose of saying, I'm talking to you on a cell phone.
The phone weighed over two pounds and cost $4,000.
And that was with a two-year contract.
But it did set the standard for every new cell phone right up until today.
First, people got very excited about it, then it quickly became obsolete.
After this initial breakthrough, Cooper took his invention all over Manhattan and especially enjoyed using it at the supermarket checkout line, talking on it during the entire transaction, totally oblivious to everyone around him.
As for Cooper's arrival at AT ⁇ T, he later invented drop calls, butt dialing, and poor customer support.
With 6 billion cell phone subscribers in the world, it's hard to believe there was once a time when the driver of the car in front of you would simply go when the light turned green rather than take a few more seconds to send a text.
You're here.
Even Martin Cooper could not have imagined 40 years ago that his invention would revolutionize obnoxious behavior at parties, crowded elevators, and the post office forever.
Next week, we celebrate another big anniversary.
The first man to send pictures of his genitals to a total stranger.
All right, we'll lose it to September.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
...the kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you guys.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's episode.
I am joined in the studio, former writer for The Daily Show, hilarious comedian, the author of Morning Remembrance, hilarious obituaries of real dead people.
It's Ham Radio's Jim Earle.
Hi, Jim.
How are you?
Hey, Jimmy, how are you doing?
I'm doing great.
Hey, you know, if drinking Pure L is wrong, I don't want to be right.
All right, that's Jim Earle.
Across from him, I have another former writer for The Daily Show, hilarious comedian Steve Rosenfield.
Hey, Steve, how are you?
Great, Jimmy.
How are you tonight?
Oh, you look very springish.
Thank you.
I had my hair cut.
Oh, really?
Did you cut it gray?
No, that's just lucky.
That's lucky.
Did you cut it old?
And on the phone, my old buddy, hilarious comedian, originally from Chicago.
That's where I met him.
He's now the host of his own show on WBAL in Baltimore.
It's Mark Unger.
Hi, Mark.
How are you?
And I was almost a writer for The Daily Show.
Oh.
They decided they didn't want to hire me.
Oh, that was close.
That was very close.
If they hired me, I could have the same credits as those two guys.
Okay, and Mark, tell people now, what's your call?
You got your call letters of WBAL.
Where can they find out?
I've got that going on, you know, doing the comedy thing, doing...
Yes, I know who that is.
I've done like four episodes of that show.
I'm like a recurring character.
Oh, that's fantastic.
I work with Matt Walsh all the time.
Started coming with Chicago.
Matt Walsh, friend of the show.
sure.
He's been on the I didn't know that.
Good for you, brother.
That's impressive.
Send me an email next time I'll TiVo it.
And you got a new, you got a podcast with your brother.
Yes, my brother.
My brother owns a comedy club, a big one called McGooby's Joke Out.
And we do a podcast called The Fighting Ungers.
And basically, it's sort of a, we talk about the dynamic, you know, me as a comic, him as a club owner.
And we get into pop culture and all that stuff.
And mostly we talk about our incredibly dysfunctional lives and childhood, particularly.
And people can find that on iTunes, the Fighting Ungers on iTunes, okay?
Or you can go to the website, fightingungers.com.
Okay, fantasticfightingungers.com, and that's U-N-G-E-R.
Correct?
Fighting Ungers, yes, with an SATN.
Yes, for some reason, Siri doesn't believe me when I say Mark Unger.
I can't find Mark Unger.
How about Mark Unger?
Yeah, that's who I want.
That's what Siri says to me.
Okay, that's a nice little story.
How about Mark?
Unguarded.
So let's get to some jokes before we get to the joke.
Getting back to your rant, Steve.
40 years ago, the cell phone was born 40 years ago.
That's very true.
Leading to exciting innovations in fields of annoying people and traffic accidents.
It's kind of like the same jokes you were making.
Kind of, yeah.
But mine came first, so that's good.
Yeah, yours will be at the top of the show, and I'll cut this one out.
Okay.
Hey, did you hear, did you hear Obama planned that he wanted to invest $100 million in brain research?
That's his new big project.
GOP thumbs down on it because they don't see the point on researching something they never use.
They're dumb.
They're dumb.
Am I right?
All right.
By the way, did you know how April Fool's Day got started?
It's April Fool's Day.
It started, it commemorates the day after Easter when Jesus tricked John the Baptist into drinking from a dribble glass.
Not a lot of people know that.
I did not know.
Well, you know, I'm Jewish, so I'm not really up on that.
Yeah, well, so were they.
Oh, wait, I forgot about that.
Yeah, here you go.
Do you know it's an April Fool's prank?
Did you see what Fox News did?
They reported factual and accurate stories all day.
Really threw me off.
That makes sense.
Nobody saw it coming.
Did you hear they're thinking about appointing a woman to the head of the Secret Service?
Yeah, I don't know if you know that.
You know, I haven't taken the Secret Service seriously since James T. West started wearing Bolero jackets and tight-fitting pants.
Very tight pants.
And by the way, sad news, Roger Ebert died.
That's two thumbs down, way down.
Oh, my God.
And you know what?
I went to the Huffington Post.
They'd even have it on the front page.
Well, that's what you get for dying without any side boob showing.
Side boob?
Jimmy Ebert died?
Yes, Roger Ebert died today.
Yesterday, he was taking a leave of absence.
Well, he did.
That's a very short leave of absence.
No fooling around.
What's coming up on today's show?
We're going to revisit Chris Matthews' claim that he is anti-establishment and he holds power's feet to the fire.
We're going to show you that he doesn't do that.
Plus, Pat Robertson is in the Oh My God segment.
He's got some news on, you got to watch religious people.
He says that they might be charlatans.
Plus, we're going to talk about Mark Sanford, right?
You remember the guy who went who was banging his Appalachian girlfriend, and he won the Republican nomination in South Carolina.
So we're going to check into that.
Plus, the cheating scandal in Atlanta is happening.
We're going to check in with that.
And we got a teacher from the Atlanta School District who's right now under arrest and being held on a million dollar bail.
She's going to call in later.
We're going to have a reading from Morning Remembrance.
Funny obituaries of real dead people.
Who died this week, Jim?
Mr. David.
Ebert.
Roger Ebert.
That was a little too still.
We haven't written the oit yet.
David Reynolds of Reynolds Aluminum.
Oh, I can, I can, oh.
I get it.
That's right.
No freezer burn on those jerks.
Okay, so that's coming up today on The Jimmy Dore Show.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Okay, so before we get to the oh my God segment this week, I just want to catch up because last week we did a whole about 42 minutes on Chris Matthews.
And you remember he likes to couch himself as a vehement war critic of the Iraq war, which he was not.
He was against the war, but then when anybody else spoke out against the war, he tried to shout them down.
Like he called Phil Donahue.
He said he didn't like America.
He said he basically did exactly what McCarthy would do.
You don't let go, you're against the war, you don't like America.
So he did that.
We played the clips.
And I'm just going to play you one more because I found some more clips.
Remember I said how Chris Matthews had scrubbed the internet somehow of all the video clips of him cheerleading the Iraq war, which he did because I watched his show in 2003 and 2004 and 2005.
And he was the biggest cheerleader.
But worse than that, he tried to impugn the character of the people who were standing up against this illegal war.
Well, first of all, here's what he said to Phil Downahy when Phil Donahue said, Phil Downah said, you know what, Chris?
I think you're a little too cozy with the people you're supposed to be reporting on.
He said, that's why you don't do fret.
That's why they arrest you for fraternizing with the enemy, because once a guy shows you a picture of his kids, you can't kill him.
And that's what, so here's what Chris Matthews' response to that was.
I've generally been pretty tough on these guys.
I don't think it's fair to call me part of the, collaborating with the enemy.
You know, that's not my reputation.
I got a reputation for being a loner, I think.
Not kissing up to the right people.
Okay, yeah, he's a real tough guy.
He's a real cop on the border, loner, alcoholic.
You know, it's all kind of the same thing.
So here's, so here I found this.
I scrubbed.
I got this from the end.
This is from 2005 after he had just went up to the Christmas party at the White House.
Here's what Tweety has to say.
If I was with him last night, the president, we all went to see the president.
You were there, went to see the president for our Christmas.
You go to get your picture taken with him.
It's like Santa Claus, and he's always very generous.
And I was wearing a red scarf, and I wanted to look a little bit festive for the occasion, look a little preppy.
And he came up to me and said, look, Matthews, I didn't know you're that preppy.
This is the president of the United States after his biggest victory.
And he goes, I didn't know you were that preppy.
And I said, well, you know, went the Holy Cross, but you guys started with all this stuff.
The Nale guys started with all this stuff.
And then he started kidding around.
I felt like I was too tow snappy with him.
I felt he deserves a little deserves a lot of respect for this Betty Spain.
That's him being against the war, Mark.
I don't know if you heard what he said at the end.
He deserves a little bit of a title.
He deserves a lot of respect for the bet he's made, the bet being the Iraq war.
Meaning, that wasn't a bet.
That was a lie you told to invade a country illegally because you wanted to line the pockets of your friends in Halliburton, Shell Oil, Exxon, Mobile, the whole deal.
That's what this was about.
It was about oil.
By bet, he meant gambling with the truth, yeah, not other people's lives.
So that was Chris Matthew.
That was Chris Matthews on assignment finding out just what it's like to have his head up Bush's ass.
Well, I think in Matthew's case, it's because he suffers from blackouts.
He didn't drink as much as he did.
He never sounds completely sober, ever.
Ever.
You know, that was...
And obviously, Mark, that year for Christmas, Chris Matthews gave President Bush his balls.
The best Christmas ever.
Yes, Chris Matthews stands up to the big guys in Washington.
He teases them about the colleges they went to.
Way to go.
So here I found another clip.
Listen to this clip.
He talks about George Bush again.
Cover the greatest gamble since Roosevelt backed Britain before World War II.
He says the Iraq war is the greatest gamble since Roosevelt-backed Britain in World War II.
Big difference between those two things is in World War II, there was an aggressor.
It was called Hitler.
They're Nazis.
They were trying to dominate the world.
So you had to stand up to in this one, there was a toothless dictator who didn't have any weapons.
And then we went in, but he did have oil.
So that's the big difference.
Here, I'll start it again from the top.
Here we go.
Cover the greatest gamble since Roosevelt backed Britain before World War II.
The president deserves credit.
This gamble comes through, and it's not clear yet.
If his gamble that he can create a democracy in the middle of the Arab world and he does it, he belongs on Mount Rushmore.
Okay, and you belong under a gas truck.
How about that?
This is the guy.
You know what?
Let me play, because the reason why I'm playing this, and people are like, why are you picking on Chris Matthews?
A lot of people, you know, were pro the war.
And it's because he said stuff like this recently.
I'm sitting at home, and Chris Matthews, every day last week, was saying...
We were susceptible, of course, teed up after 9-11, and there were people in the government and pushing for an outside ideologues, all who wanted this war and didn't care what damage it did, including to our country's reputation as an enemy of aggression, a country that fights when one country invades another, fights the invader.
This time, we were the invader, and nobody yelled, hey, this isn't our part.
This isn't what we Americans do.
Well, some of us yelled, but maybe we should have done more.
Laid out there on the train tracks or whatever you do to sound the alarm of protests and a democracy.
Okay, so there was people laying on the train tracks, Chris.
It was Phil Donahue, and you got him fired for his job.
Okay, so here's one more.
I'll play one more clip.
Now, Jack Murtha was the first guy in Congress to stand up, a decorated war veteran, so he knows what war is about.
And he stood up against the Iraq war, right?
And he said, this is a stupid idea.
It's time to bring these guys home.
This is an unwinnable.
This is bad.
The opposite of what we wanted to have happen is happening.
And here's what Chris Matthews had to say to guys like Jack Murtha.
This is going to be a very strong political move by the president.
He's talking about spending an extra $3 billion for extra economic aid to the new government of Iraq for rebuilding.
I think he's going to hold the Democrats' feet to their fire and say, are you going to vote for this or vote against it?
I dare you to vote against it.
And I think this is the brilliant political move here by the president, forcing the Democratic carpers and complainers to come forward and say, all right, you don't like my strategy for victory in Iraq?
Vote against it.
Go ahead, make my day.
This is Clint Eastwood stuff.
I think the president today is brilliantly putting a marker out there and saying to the Jack Murthy's and the rest, okay, vote against Reconstruction.
Vote against my plan to turn this war over to the Iraqis.
That's my long-term plan.
You vote against it, and I'm going to nail you.
But behind all this, and this is very important to understand, this president has been absolutely consistent in his philosophy.
Okay, so first of all, how can we possibly understand when he's constantly slurring his word?
He was slurring his words.
He was slurring his words.
So that guy who called Jack Murthy a carper and a complainer and how George Bush is going to be like Clint Eastwood.
Well, it's hard to understand whether it's hard to understand sometimes whether he's talking, he's just praising the politics of it or without understanding the meaning behind the politics.
Yes, he's exactly what you're right.
So he's praising the maneuvers.
I think you've got to use this while Ignoring what's the recognition's underneath that.
Yes.
Mark?
You know, I actually, I mean, I like, honestly, MSNBC, I'm not a huge fan.
I mean, I'm a liberal.
I talk about liberal politics on my show, you know, in a medium where you don't hear a lot of liberal talks, certainly not on the East Coast.
and really Chris Matthews is the guy on MSBC that I normally appreciate.
But the picture that you're painting, He talks.
They say stop talking.
He stops.
And he's not exactly sure what happens.
He may actually be drunk.
It's possible.
And again, I'll just play one more time.
This is why I went and found all these clips of him denouncing the people who were standing up against the war and him cheerleading George Bush.
He was technically against the war.
He actually, before the war, he wrote a column and he would say, I don't think this war is a good idea.
But he would say it like this.
I don't think this war is a good idea.
But if you and George Bush want to have the war, I'm all for it, baby, because I love America and I love you, George Bush, and I love our troops.
And now, and now this.
And I love ratings.
And he loves exactly.
Well, he's always that way with every president, though.
He's, you know, okay, I oppose this president in the election, but now that he's president, we got to support our president.
So he did, he did, except for Clinton.
He made his bones screaming at the top of his lungs about Bill Clinton defiling, right?
He said he defiled the office of the president because he got a BJ.
And, you know, if that's all it takes to defile the offense, I think just about every other president has done it.
You know, FDR needed the help of his aides if he wanted to get on top.
You know what I mean?
Lincoln got blown into temple.
He defiled the office.
What did George W. Bush do to the office?
Exactly.
So here's the reason why I'm bringing this up because he's saying stuff like this now, okay?
Let's listen to it.
Good evening.
I'm Chris Matthews in Washington.
Let me start tonight with this.
I hated the Iraq War, said so when I saw it coming, have said so since.
The only time I okay, so there you go.
Okay, so he's saying stuff like that.
He's rewriting history, and that's why I'm playing that stuff that shows him to be, oh, George Bush, he's the guy should be on Mount Rushmore.
He said that.
I checked Mount Rushmore.
They haven't put him up there yet.
Because both of them.
I think he tries to have it both ways.
When he talks about the strategy, then he has an out for saying, well, I never agreed with what he did.
I just thought he was a brilliant strategist.
Yeah.
I think he might use that.
It's like he's watching a game of chess.
To me, this is kind of cut and dry.
Again, this is just my personal thinking.
But to me, if you thought for a second the Iraq war was a good idea or end well, you're a moron.
It wasn't a, I mean, I really don't know how else to put it.
I mean, when the war started, I think I was doing blow with two strippers, and one of the strippers said, this is going to suck.
I mean, you know, that's...
Everybody that's sort of quasi-supporting it, you know, you're as bad as the people that made it happen.
He's no different than Rumsfeld, in my opinion.
Your point being that anybody could have seen this was a bad idea, and you have a problem.
You're putting the stripper I was doing blow with, right?
Yes.
And you have a little bit of a problem.
Okay.
The blow?
Yeah.
Yes.
No, no, the stripper.
Oh, no.
Time for another installment of, oh my God.
So this week's, oh my God, you know, Pat Robertson is, gosh darn it, huh?
For if you don't have a crazy old uncle who says crazy racist stuff at Easter, here, we got Pat Robertson, right?
He's for you.
And I don't know if you've noticed that Pat Robertson's co-host has kind of morphed into his honor caretaker.
I would not be surprised in the slightest if she silently opened a bottle of Insure and gave it to him with a straw.
Okay.
So here he is.
They do a segment on his show every day where someone writes in.
People ask advice from Pat Robertson.
We're going to go to a question right now for Pat Robertson.
This is Ken who says, why do amazing miracles like people being raised from the dead, blind eyes opened, lame people walking, happen with great frequency in places like Africa and not here in the United States?
What can we do to encourage those things to happen here?
Is America too far gone for miracles like this?
First of all, I like that the guy, he believes that miracles are happening in Africa.
Why did they happen here, but they don't happen here?
I think there's a little bit of a problem.
The miracles are not happening in Africa.
That's why.
The miracle of mass starvation.
AIDS.
Everything.
If anyone dies of old age, it's America.
Tigers.
He died of old age.
A miracle.
Okay, so here's what Paris Pat's response.
Ready?
People overseas didn't go to Ivy League schools.
All right, he said people overseas didn't go to Ivy League League schools.
Was he senile?
I think he, and then she laughs, kind of like, let's listen to what she laughs.
She goes, ha ha ha.
Not quite that simple.
Not quite that simple, Pat, which is kind of, I'll just translate that for you.
It's like, okay, Grandpa, very funny, but just answer the question so we can keep going, okay?
Answer.
When are you going to die already?
Okay.
So here he goes.
Well, we're so sophisticated.
We think we've got everything figured out.
We know about evolution.
We know about Darwin.
We know about all these things.
It says, God isn't real.
We know about all this stuff.
And if we've been in many schools of the most advanced schools, we have been inundated with skepticism and secularism.
And overseas, they're simple, humble.
You tell them God loves them, and they say, okay, he loves me.
You say, God will do miracles, and they say, okay, we believe him.
And that's what God's looking for.
That's why they have miracles.
Wow.
He likes people who are dumb.
Yes.
Who would have ever thought that Pat Robertson would have this accurate of an understanding of how important ignorance is to religious faith?
Well, what was I going to say?
He slams Ivy League schools and then mispronounces inundated.
Inundated.
He says inundated.
Yes, yes.
Yes.
Yeah, so he's exactly.
The irony is in there.
You found it, Mark.
Unfortunately, they have no money in Africa, and that's why Pat doesn't go there.
Right.
I think it would have been better if he had stopped in the middle and paused and thought and then said, oh, no, I think I've wasted my life.
But he didn't say that.
So I just like how the guy, he's cool.
There's miracles happening in Africa.
Why aren't they happening here?
Maybe they're not happening in Africa.
You ever think of that, Yamora?
That's quite possible.
Do you guys know what specific miracles he's talking about that's taking place in Africa?
Is there an example of one?
I really, I guess, I think like she said.
Is that blind or seeing?
I don't know.
Daily.
A lot of them.
Malaria.
So here's my next clip from Pat Robertson.
And after he told you that ignorance is a good thing, stay stupid.
Because I don't see how that could go bad, right?
If somebody comes to you and says that they have the word of God, don't question it.
Just accept it.
That's why God does.
How could that ever go bad?
What could go wrong?
Well, here's Pat Robertson.
He's telling you what could go wrong.
Here we go.
Ladies and gentlemen, beware of these scamsters, especially scampsters in religious garb quoting the Bible.
I mean, run from them.
Not me.
Everyone else.
Yes.
Isn't that amazing?
Not me.
What's a scamster?
Is that like a scam artist and a hamster combined or something?
Beware of these rodents.
He's telling everybody, Jim, in all sincerity, he's telling everybody, watch out for Pat Robertson.
If you see me, run.
This has been, oh my God.
Oh, my God.
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Thank you.
Joining me now on the phone, it's Governor of New Jersey.
It's Chris Christie.
Hi, Governor.
How you doing, buddy?
Haven't heard for me in a while.
Hey, Jimmy, how you doing?
We're doing pretty.
We're doing pretty good.
How is it going for you, buddy?
Pretty good, not bad.
You know, I'm a Republican in a blue state with a 75% approval rating.
Things look pretty good for me in 2016.
Yeah, but, you know, Rush Limbaugh has been saying a lot that he says the Republicans are losing, and he thinks they're losing because they're acting too much like Democrats.
What do you say to that?
Well, the real reason that they're losing is because they're exactly like Republicans.
Did you see who they invited to see back?
Yeah, I did.
Tyra Palin.
Phil Gingrich, Mitt Romney, Rick Snaturum.
More losers than the Cubs dug out.
Okay.
But what about the gay issue?
What about the gay issue?
What about it?
I say the Republicans need to go on offense and remind people that when Reagan was president, there was no such thing as AIDS as far as he was concerned.
Okay.
But what about what Rush said, right?
Rush said that he thinks there is a gay mafia that's intimidating Republicans that's turning Republicans into being for pro-gay marriage.
Do you think that there's, do you really think that there's a gay mafia, Governor?
Oh, yeah, definitely.
Really?
You know it's a gay mafia when they make you an offer that you can't refuse because it's fabulous.
So the gay mafia is a real thing.
It's a real thing.
Oh, yeah.
When the gay mafia gives you the kiss of death, they use tongue.
Okay.
And the reach around.
But Rush is very angry.
Rush is very angry at the gay mafia.
Oh, yeah.
He's so angry he hired Elton John to sing at his wedding.
Yeah.
Elton John, they got to him.
Yeah.
I'm going to sing at your wedding.
Give me a million dollars.
Or else.
Stop the supply of Oxygen.
Take control.
Yes, I heard it.
So your position on the gay thing then is weird because you want to put it to a popular vote, right?
Isn't that what you said?
Yeah, you know, I don't want to take away your choices.
You know, I mean, the government should be telling people one thing or another about that stuff.
Let the parents decide.
What?
If their kids are gay or not?
The parents don't.
That's not how it works, Governor.
Let the parents decide.
Small government.
Yeah, but that's not how it works.
The parents don't have anything to do with it, right?
The people, they're grown-ups, and now they just want to have equal.
Yeah, they do.
The parents don't have anything to do with it.
All right, listen.
So, hey, did you hear about that Hillary Clinton is going to be running in 2016?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What do you think about your chances against Hillary Clinton?
I'd rather vote for Hillary Duff.
Yeah, okay.
But what do you think about your chances?
What do you think about?
Oh, if I went against her?
Yeah, what if you went against Hillary Clinton?
Oh, you kidding me?
No.
I would brutalize her.
What?
In the polls.
You know, nothing weird.
Yeah, okay.
All right.
I got you.
Yeah.
Who was the vote for?
Who was the vote for?
Who are you going to vote for?
Someone reminds you of your wife yelling at you all the time or some fat guy you want to hang out with.
I guess a fat guy.
And women don't vote for other women.
When they get to booth, they say, hey, I hate that.
You know, I think he's onto something there.
First time ever.
First time ever.
Landslide.
Yeah, okay.
And I'd celebrate with a mudslide.
An apple piece.
That's red chocolate.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
So your position, your position on gay marriage.
Is I'm not gay.
Okay, I got it.
All right.
Okay.
What do I need to get married to a gay guy for?
I'm not even a fazool.
A fazool?
Governor, what is what is the what exactly is a fazool?
Can you tell me?
I thought you were New York Jimmy.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm Jimmy from Chicago.
I'm a Chicago guy, Jimmy.
I would say we don't say Fazool.
Okay, take care, Governor.
We'll see you next time.
Hey, always a pleasure.
All right, that was Governor Chris Christie.
Ah, yeah.
Look at that.
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But right Now, let's get back to the Jimmy Door show.
A lot of stuff coming up on the second half.
We got a phone call from our main man, Herman Kane, who started his new advice radio show.
Plus, Jim Earl is going to read from his book, Morning Remembrance, funny obituaries of real dead people.
That's all coming up on the second half.
We'll see you in a bit.
So if you're like me, you're constantly paying attention to South Carolina politics.
And if you're also like me, you often find yourself wondering, seriously, why are the South Carolina politics more dysfunctional in the tribal council and Lord of the Flies?
Well, I think I might have the answer.
South Carolina has no effing self-awareness whatsoever.
Witness, former Governor Mark Sanford.
Sanford, you know, he was once considered a strong contender for the presidency.
And he was, and after that, he was a governor, Governor Sanford.
He was considered a strong contender to continue being Governor Sanford until he disappeared for several days to spend time with his mistress in Argentina, a romantic weekend paid for by the taxpayers of South Carolina.
Oh, and of course, he's a family values Jesus type fella, like all Republicans who get caught with their pants down, right?
So, and I'll give you one more example of dysfunctional South Carolina politics.
How about former Senator Jim DeMint, who never met an extreme right-wing position he didn't like?
Remember, this is the guy who says gays and sexually active unwed women should not be allowed to be teachers, okay?
He's great, Jim DeMint.
Well, two years into his third term, DeMint decided he didn't want to be a senator anymore, and no one in South Carolina said, hey, thanks for wasting our time and money in douchebag.
So he went off to become president of the Heritage Foundation, because why just be a clown of insane thinking in the Senate when you can be the head of the whole circus of insane thinking.
Am I right?
The money's better.
I have a question going back to the other thing with DeMint.
Is he okay with sexually sexually active wed teachers, students?
Maybe he's okay.
Yeah, if you're married, and you're sexually active, that's okay.
Then you can bang the chemistry class.
I think so.
So the reason why I bring up Jim DeMint and all this stuff is because South Carolina has had to put together a special election to fill a congressional seat because the old congressman was appointed to Jim DeMint's Senate seat.
See what I'm saying?
So re-enter Mark Sanford, who just handily won the Republican nomination for that race, right?
Sometimes when I hear reports from the South Carolina political scene, I'd swear I can hear banjos in the background.
Okay, so here is Mark Sanford the other day at his victory speech.
If you could see this, he's standing on a platform with his three children behind him.
And, well, here we go.
I thank you, I guess, to my fiancé Bilen, who's right here behind me for her long suffering that she put up with me being on the road for more than just a few months.
And I thank you for that as well.
Yes, he just introduced Maria Baladin, his mistress from Argentina, who is now his fiancé.
Wow, governor, are you standing on a ladder or are those your b ⁇ s?
Sanford and Buns.
He's doing this in front of his children.
You're going to call your fiancé long suffering in front of your children, unlike your children's mother, who actually did suffer for a long time.
Also, she should be nervous because, you know, the last time he went on the road, he bitched his wife.
Yeah.
Exactly.
Yes, exactly.
You know what, though?
I'll tell you something.
If you think about this, think about what the Republicans are trying to do, right?
They're trying to reinvent themselves.
There's this whole power struggle between the centrists and the far right.
So now you got a guy like Sanford.
And all kidding aside, you got a guy like Sanford who's cheated on his wife.
Like, he's almost become like a Democrat in their eyes.
You know what I'm saying?
Yes.
He now becomes an electable person in the new Republican Party.
Oh, I see what you're saying.
Makes sense.
I see.
Hey, you're coming out.
I met a chick from wherever she's from, Argentina.
I'm cool.
Yeah.
I'm cool.
I'm a Democrat kind of.
You're right.
Yeah.
Oh, he must be moderate.
But if he still has the same hypocritical right-wing values, I'm willing to bang a Latina.
Yes, that shows that I'm not.
That's exactly right.
That's my point.
I'm willing to bang a Latina.
But I really can't get over the fact that he's thanking the woman, the reason why he had to leave his wife.
In front of his kids, she's on stage with him, and she's like, oh, you know, meanwhile, his wife is at home actually suffering because he's sitting there with Ava Perrone.
I don't know.
I blame his wife for all this.
Aha!
Why couldn't she be someone else?
Yes.
Why couldn't she be from Argentina?
Why couldn't she be younger?
So here is, so I'm going to play this back again, and I'm going to stop and start it for a second, okay?
Thank you, I guess, to my fiancé Berlin, who's right here behind me for her.
Yeah, for putting up with my lying, hypocritical douchebagger-ness, but agreed to marry me so I could run for office again.
Thank you.
That's the only way I could do it was to get married.
Okay.
And he's standing there pretending like it's totally normal to have his sons alongside the woman who humiliated their mother.
Are they good sports or what, those kids, huh?
Yeah.
That's not enough for you.
Remember that this is the guy who, as rich as he is, gave his wife a Christmas present consisting of a drawing he made of a bicycle that she asked for.
That's right.
That's approaching Ronnie Specter long-suffering.
I hope he paid her alimony.
And so, and yes, and I and guess what?
So with his out-of-walk, with his out-of-wedlock F partner behind him, here he tries to play the Christian card.
Ready?
Here he goes, playing the Christian card.
You know, I used to cringe when somebody would say, okay, I want to thank my God.
It was at that point, okay, this is getting uncomfortable.
But once you've really received God's grace and seen it reflected in others, you cannot stop and stop for a moment and publicly acknowledge that grace and that difference he's made in my life and he's making in so many lives across this state, across this nation and certainly in this campaign.
And while God may be a God of second chances, at times voters...
Yes, God is saving.
Sure.
Because even God knows, Steve, that sometimes you just got to bust a nut.
God is great.
God's grace gave him a piece of Argentinian ass.
Yes.
Yes, I pray for that, too.
Every night I prayed to God that you'd buy this forgiveness horse.
And sure enough, you guys did.
Well, it's working.
I like how he goes, I used to cringe when people thanked God, but I cringed even harder at the thought of having to get a real job.
That sucks.
Okay, and you have to give him credit for playing the Christian card in South Carolina of all places where people aren't likely to fall for it.
Okay.
You're on thin ice there.
It's crazy.
He thinks.
He's got a lot of religious people down there.
Who is his god?
Zeus?
Because that's the only one who'd be down with this kind of shenanigan.
Pretty sure the southern fried fire and brimstone God and or Jesus would not arrange for you to cheat on your wife and remain a beloved public figure.
So this is back in 97.
This is what Mark Sanford.
Let's remind everybody the colossal debag that Mark Sanford is.
Here he was back in 1997 talking about Bill Clinton at the time.
Remember his problems, right?
What the American public cares about is the issue of integrity and the issue of trust, because if they don't trust their lawmaker, they won't trust the laws that the lawmakers create.
Okay, so it's all about trust.
And if the people don't trust, they're not going to trust the laws that they create.
So let's vote for Governor Swinning because he looks just as good as anybody.
You know, I think on South Carolina's license plates, it says, South Carolina, we don't get it.
Let me play.
Here's what Joe Scarborough had to say about Mark Sanford.
Here's Joe Scarborough talking about Mark Sanford.
So let's talk, Walter.
We were saying earlier about Mark Sanford.
I'm sure he's, because I know Mark.
He's never talked to a crisis management expert in his life, I'm sure.
But he did exactly what the best in the business would tell you, which is get it all out there.
I remember this rambling interview he gave to an AP reporter where he said, this is who I am.
This is what I did back when the scandal first broke.
I thought he was crazy.
It ended up people like him for just throwing everything out there and say I'm a human.
I screwed up.
I'm frail.
Yeah, yeah, he did everything right.
He really did, Joe.
He wagged his finger at people cheating on their wives.
Then he started cheating on his wife.
Then he spent government money to enable his extramarital affair in another country.
Then he started lying about it.
Then he kept lying about it.
Then he refused to end his affair.
So his wife had to leave him.
And then he stayed with his mistress.
And then right after that, he did everything right.
Sounded like the perfect candidate to me.
Perfect candidate.
And look at, I'm human.
I'm screwed up.
I'm frail.
And that's why I should be your next congressman.
And here is the worst Democrat since Grom Thurman to tell what an exemplary guy the biggest public liar in South Carolina is.
Here's Harold Ford, ladies and gentlemen.
Here's what he has to say about Mark Sanford.
I agree with Mark.
You know, I like second chances in life and second chances in politics.
Mark and I served in Congress together along with you.
I liked him then.
We didn't agree on a lot of issues, but you have to admire the way he's conducted himself and, more importantly, how he's taken head on what many people in life would have a hard time taking head on him, his family.
So I can wish him congratulations on how he's conducting himself in his campaign.
All right, Mike.
Okay, that's.
You would think this guy beat cancer.
Yeah.
Alford just thought.
That's a perfect way to put it.
He met it head-on.
Yes.
It wasn't easy for him to bang a beautiful woman from South America, but he did it.
We can all admire him.
He did it.
He got away with it.
And now he's going to be a congressman.
It's really tough.
It's a tough road.
He's had the hat is off to him.
He's had to hoe, and I say hoe without the EFEA.
Yeah.
Okay.
I really admire Mark Sanford's done because I'm totally corrupt and full of too.
You know Mike Barnacle, right?
So Mike Barnacle, he's fascinated, fascinated by his Mark Sanford's honesty.
Ready?
Here we go.
Here's Mike Barnacle talking to Mark Sanford on morning.
Mark, if we can talk about the value of honesty among politicians and in campaigns, I think a lot of people, no matter where they are in the ideological spectrum, were struck by your honesty a few years ago when basically you said, you know, you went walking on the Appalachian Trail, but you fell in love.
So you're out of public office.
So when you make the decision to re-enter the fray, was there any fear of that honesty coming back and playing a perilous role in your political future?
No, no, Mike.
I'm not worried about my honesty hurting my career.
So as long as I don't make a habit out of it, it ends as soon as I'm elected.
Refresh my memory.
Didn't he lie until he finally had to admit it?
Yes, he lied and lied.
He said he was on the Appalachian Trail.
Right.
Yes, he was lying.
And then a reporter.
Is that a euphemism for like, I don't know.
I'm on the Appalachian Trail.
You have to say it like that, by the way.
Right, right.
And you can't see it in this video clip, but Mark Sanford is wearing very comfortable walking shoes because you know it's going to be a walk in the park.
He's not worried about Barnacle.
Mike Barnacle is fascinated by honesty because he's gone his whole career without any.
You know Mike Barnacle is the plagiarizer who ripped off George Carlin, right, Mark?
No.
Yeah, so Mike Bonnet, that's why we give him a hard time because he got caught plagiarizing from brain droppings.
He literally got caught.
I think it cost him his job, didn't it?
To write his column for the Globe.
Yeah, and he literally got caught plagiarizing George Carlin's book.
And he still doesn't, he's still on the TV, and he's still fascinated by the honesty that the biggest liar in South Carolina has exempt.
He can't find words to express his admiration for Sanford because somebody else didn't already write it for him.
He needs to steal from people is really what.
Ah, yes.
Governor, I'm going to give you all the dignity and prestige that powerful men who cheat on their wives deserve.
Thank you for being on Morning Joe.
So here, so that's Mark Sanford, ladies and gentlemen.
I got in trouble for plagiarizing Fred Bassett.
I got in trouble.
Okay, Herman Kane, ladies and gentlemen, he's got his back on his radio show.
He's got his radio show again.
Let's go ahead.
Here's a little bummer.
I'll give you a little taste of Herman Kane's radio show.
Welcome back to the new Herman Kane show.
Stop a new feature of the week.
Ask the Herminator.
I like how he calls himself the Herminator because you really want to remind people of Arnold Schwarzenegger in 2013.
That's what you want to do.
He's not out of style at all.
Okay.
Questions other than politics.
So he's telling people to call in and ask him questions, right?
Here we go.
Hang on.
Let me back it up so we can get a running start on this.
Questions other than politics, other than government.
Questions pertaining to business pertaining to this thing called success.
You know, other than government, things that don't involve reading, knowledge, wisdom, or common sense.
The lines are open.
Don't ask him things he knows absolutely nothing about.
But to start her running for president anyway.
Yes.
Yes.
Lines are open.
Don't ask me anything.
Here we go.
Okay, he's got a little bit more to say.
Here we go.
If you want to know what to put on a pizza, here we go.
And prosperity, as well as life itself.
Now, I will warn you, the questions may not always be exhaustive.
I mean, the answers, the answers are intended to be more directional.
Hey, Kay, listen.
And sometimes I might get questions and answers mixed up.
So it's not that big of a deal.
Here we go.
Because to get into an exhaustive answer with specifics, you need to consult somebody who might be an expert in that particular field.
Which is not me.
Yes.
Don't ask me specific questions.
I don't even know where.
Don't ask me about Syria.
Was it Libya?
I still get those two mixes.
I don't even know what specifics means.
Go ahead.
I think I figured out why he was like the big guy in favor of a flat tax.
Because there's not a chance in hell he could figure out percentages.
He's not a reader.
He's still not a reader.
Hey, don't expect him to understand politics.
He ran for president as a Republican.
All right?
Meg, Meg, Meg.
That's the dumb party.
Just remember, folks, I'm a talk show host the same way I ran for president as a big goof.
I was putting you on.
You know what?
Actually, I have to get Herman Kane on the phone.
Okay.
Hey, I'm here.
We're joined by the radio host, former presidential candidate, CEO of Godfathers Pete.
So it's Herman Kane.
Herman, how are you?
Hey, Jimmy, what you wearing?
It's good to hear.
Hey, it's good to hear your voice again, Herman.
What is your wife wearing?
Okay, Herman.
What's your new little doggy wearing?
Okay, listen.
I hear you're doing a radio show.
Oh, he's naked.
My dog is not naked.
That's how dogs are.
Stop it, okay?
Now, I hear you're doing, I hear you're doing a radio show now.
Yes, I do.
People call in and I give them advice.
You talk about advice on what?
Like you're known for being a guy who needs advice.
Oh, I give advice on everything, Jimmy.
Finance, politics, personal matters, white women, whatever.
I'm the Herminator.
A fountain of wisdom.
Grab a cup.
Well, let me ask you about investing then.
Can I ask you about investing?
Now you're talking.
Okay, let's say I wanted to invest right now.
I wanted to invest some.
What's your advice right now?
I would suggest investing in the stock market.
Okay, the stock, just the stock market, that's it?
Just a stock market.
You know the Dow, baby.
Yeah, I know.
But which specific stock should I pick?
Jimmy, for that kind of depth, I recommend you consult with an expert in investing.
This is just a general direction.
No, no kidding.
Invest in the stock market.
That's a little vague to be considered actual monetary advice.
Don't you think it's a little vague?
Vague?
Yeah.
What you talking about?
I told you specifically to invest in the stock market.
Dow Jones, baby.
Which is great advice.
Now I can't get into the minutiae of investing.
That's for an expert to do.
What about NASDAQ?
I never heard of that.
You never heard of NASDAQ.
Is that what you're telling me?
No, I never heard of NASDAQ quacky mackey baggy.
Have you?
Yes, Herman.
Of course I've heard of NASDAQ.
Well, then maybe you should do an advised show, too.
Herman, let's try another question.
I have a friend who works for a large corporation, and there's a woman who's accusing him of sexual harassment.
Deny it.
Okay.
You just deny it.
But you don't even know the facts surrounding that.
I said deny it.
Are you listening to me?
Maybe I should consult that.
Deny that shit.
Okay, I hear you, but I am an expert.
You got to deny it and make the woman scared a little.
Scared that you'll slander her or make her out to look like she's loose.
You follow me?
That sounds despicable.
That sounds absolutely despicable.
I wouldn't know.
I'm not a despicable expert.
I'm more about general stuff.
Yeah, I know, but I read somewhere that you have a master's degree in.
What is your master's degree in?
Is it science or computer science?
Yes, I do, boo.
Yeah, it's computer science.
Now, if you're an academic, why does every time you talk, you sound so stupid and ignorant.
Everything that comes out of your mind.
Well, keep in mind, Jimmy, I have a master's degree in computer science, but I got that in the 60s back when computers were basically calculators.
Oh, okay.
I got it.
I got it in two weeks.
Oh, you got your master's in two weeks.
I didn't even know.
But I'm still a master.
Yeah, but if, say, let's say if I'm looking for a computer right now, let's say that.
Which is better?
Should I get a PC or should I get a Macintosh?
Control-Alt Deli.
What?
Are you editing?
Well, let me ask you this.
Are you planning to use that laptop to edit videos?
Yes, I am going to use it to edit videos.
How do you do that on a computer?
I don't even know.
Herman, I'm asking you how to do it.
You're the advice guy.
I can do 46 times nine.
Pfft, okay.
Herman, so you don't really know how to do any, There's lots of editing programs that you could use, right?
So there's final cut editing you can use.
There's a thing called Pro Tools you could use.
Yeah, I got Pro Tools.
Okay, listen.
Herman, why do you have to...
Okay, Herman, why do you got to do it?
If I need videos edited, I have an army of white women in a room do that for me.
They're all naked and they have breathing masks on.
Why are they naked and have why do you have them dressed like that?
I don't understand.
I like to pretend that they're doing cocaine stuff.
Oh, okay.
Well, all right, Herman.
What else do you want to know?
I give advice about anything.
Okay, Herman, I really don't have any more questions, I don't think.
I miss you, Jimmy.
I miss you too, Herman.
I really do.
Can we talk more?
Yeah, but you said you're going to come out.
Now that I got a dumb show, why not be relevant in the news more saying dumb shit?
Yeah, I know, but you said last time we talked that you were going to come out to Los Angeles and me, you, and Steph, we're going to go down to the pier.
Remember that?
Oh, we'll still do that.
Really?
Are you going to come out?
Santa Monica?
Yeah, Santa Monica Pier, right?
Beautiful.
Okay.
I push your ass in the water.
No, don't push me in the water.
Don't push me in the water.
Maybe I'll jump off like at the end of falling down.
Okay, I didn't see falling down, but don't push me in the water.
I can't get wet.
Okay.
You get in trouble for being wet.
Yeah, I'll get in trouble for being wet, Herman.
Listen, Herman, I got to go.
Thanks for talking to us today, okay?
Goodbye.
Okay, bye-bye.
That's Herman Kane, ladies and gentlemen.
The Jimmy Dora show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
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jimmydorecomedy.com musica So there's been a real BS reform movement in education.
And what it is, is to apply corporate ideas to education, meaning incentives, financial incentives to get teachers so if their tax scores go, it's all this whole standardized testing, which A doesn't work, right?
It doesn't really test how good a teacher is.
The problems with schools are, you know, failing schools are in failing communities and succeeding schools are in succeeding communities, right?
So you don't go to a rich neighborhood and they have a failing school.
It doesn't happen, okay?
That's always failed with me as well.
Me too.
So now they have all these corporate guys like Arnie Duncan.
President Barack Obama's on board for it, too.
Ever since waiting for Superman, the idea is what's wrong with education is bad teachers.
And what I always tell people, you fire every bad teacher there is.
There is no room full of great teachers waiting to take those jobs.
They're not because the people who graduate at the top of their class all go to Wall Street because that's what we value in this country.
And so, and teachers are doing miracles every day in the classroom.
They're doing great things every day.
And teachers aren't motivated by money.
That's a vocation.
We're motivated by helping people and educating.
It's what they love to do.
So now that what they've done is that Wall Street has come in, these corporate guys, and they say, no, you got to have teachers paid tied to their performance, even though it's not their performance, right?
It's the 40 little maniacs sitting in front of them who wake up at the crack of dawn every day.
Their parents fill them with a bowl full of sugar, stick them with a fist full of Riddle and spin them around 10 times and send them to school.
Hey, teach my kid.
Here, teach my kid how to just teach my kid math.
You can't even teach your kid to shut the f up on an airplane, but you want a teacher to take your little maniac and teach him math.
So what they've been doing now is stressing standardized tests over any other metric and financially incentivizing teacher performance.
What could possibly go wrong with that?
And next, we return here at home to the scandal rocking American schools tonight.
Dozens of educators in Atlanta stand accused of fixing student test scores and doing it so they could reap the government bonus money.
Tonight is.
Wow, huh.
So that's how.
That's how it could screw things up because then the teachers' jobs and getting more money to your school, it's based on your test scores, your standardized test scores.
And if your test scores go up, get this.
If your test scores go up, that means the government gives your school more money and your teachers get a raise.
And everybody gets more money.
But if your test scores go down, meaning if your school is in crisis, they take money away from your school.
So what's been happening is that, and right now, it's not just in Atlanta.
We're going to talk about Atlanta, but it's been happening in Houston, Washington, D.C., where Michelle Ree she made her famous for firing all those people and trying to get teachers pay tied to their performance.
Well, she left after two years under a cheating scandal.
Because what happens when you tie people's pay to their perform to the test scores is they cheat on the test.
So that's what.
Well, you get Goldman Sachs.
That's exciting.
I mean, that's, it's, yes, I mean, you're dead on.
Okay, there's a lot more to that teacher's cheating scandal that's going to be on the premium content for this week, plus a phone call from my second grade teacher who's in jail over this thing.
That's all in the premium content for this week.
Okay, now let's get to our reading with Jim Earle.
And now it's time for a reading from the book Morning Remembrance: Funny Obituaries of Real Dead People by Jim Earle.
David P. Reynolds, head of Reynolds Aluminum Metalhead.
David Reynolds, the metal manufacturing executive who gave America aluminum foil, has finally wrapped up his life.
The 96-year-old was found suffocated in a used Quaker Oats box after his son forgot to poke enough air holes in the foiled cover.
He was treated like a little insect.
Yes, yes.
Reynolds was cousin to tobacco king R.J. Reynolds, who sold the first aluminum-filtered cigarette with the slogan, come to where the flavor is, and then forget where you are because you now have Alzheimer's.
An expert salesman, Reynolds liked to arrange public demonstrations to personally show customers how to preserve leftovers with his product, often enlisting the help of his wife to wrap his sausage.
Got it.
Sausage joke.
A stern disciplinarian, Reynolds was known to keep employees in line by yelling, Don't forget who wears the foil hat at this company.
Jesus, the maloon.
Although he was cremated, Reynolds requested his remains be covered in order to prevent splatters, protect against over-browning, and help keep his body parts moist.
Thank you so much.
I'll be here.
And that was a reading from the book Morning Remembrance by Jim Earle, available at jimearle.com.
Music Okay, there's lots of hilarious extra stuff in the premium content for this week.
We got more Pat Robertson saying crazy stuff.
We got the rest of our conversation about the teachers in Atlanta.
There's a lot more stuff.
Plus a phone call, a hilarious phone call from my second grade teacher who's in jail over this thing.
And we're going to talk about Sean Hannity saying that it was a good thing he got hit with a belt as a kid.
And there's a lot more crazy stuff like that.
That's all in the premium content this week.
And the easiest way to get the premium content is you become a $5 a month donator, which is like nothing.
And you get all the extra premium content, all the extra phone calls, and all the extra stuff we do at least about 20 to 40 minutes extra every week.
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That's my old-timey email, and we'll take care of it for you, okay?
So JimmyDoor at earthlink.net will take care of you if you haven't gotten a passcode and you are a donator, okay?
So that's what's happening.
Get it.
I appreciate everybody who's doing that.
Thanks to everybody who uses the Amazon.com box.
And I wanted to let you know about a couple of big shows coming up.
The Jimmy Door show is going to be at the improv in West Hollywood, April 27th.
There's a link for tickets.
April 27th, that's a Saturday.
Plus, the next weekend, we're going to be in Claremont, California.
If you're out that way, Claremont, California, you know where that is.
So we're going to be telling jokes out there.
That's out by Riverside, San Bernardino.
It's right before the 15.
You know where it is if you live out there.
We're going to be telling jokes at Flappers May 3rd and 4th.
There's links for all those shows over at jimmydoorcomedy.com.
We'll see you at those shows, okay?
Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Frank Conniff, Mike McRae, Steve Rosenfield, Mark Van Landuitt, Robert Yasamura, Steph Zamarano, and Jim Earle.
All the voices on today's show are performed by the inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcray.com.
Okay, until next week, this is Jimmy.
And by the way, the premium content will be made available in a podcast form through iTunes soon.
We're figuring out how to set that up.
I'm not smart.
I'm a comedian.
So we're going to get that soon.
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