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March 8, 2013 - Jimmy Dore Show
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The Jimmy Dore show starts right now.
This week, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez died.
My condolences to Sean Penn and his family.
Say what you will about Chavez.
He did call George W. Bush the devil, so he was pretty rational for a guy who drank 26 cups of coffee a day.
Meanwhile, Fidel Castro just goes on and on, spanning decades and presidents like the Kirk Douglas of Marxist dictators.
Nobody under the age of 60 remembers how the world almost had a nuclear war simply because Cuba is so close to Florida.
And let's face it, if you've ever been to Florida, you know it's definitely not worth blowing up the world for.
Generally speaking, we seldom even talk about South America.
We couldn't care less.
In fact, except for the British royal family, the only nationality we obsess about are Mexicans, and all we say is, what's with them in their drug wars?
Why can't they get it together?
And then we buy their drugs.
Since Republicans got their asses kicked by Hispanic voters last November, they're feverishly trying to win Latinos back, preferably without making them citizens who often vote for Democrats.
That position got Jeb Bush into trouble this week and clashed with the more moderate statements he made last year.
So the media speculated Bush must want to run for president because he's now pretending to be a racist.
Which begs the question, Governor, could you please just forget all the president stuff and take up oil painting?
Meanwhile, Mitt Romney was back in the news saying he also thinks illegal immigrants should not become citizens.
Fortunately, for all practical purposes, he's deader than Ugo Chavez.
Nice job.
Nice job.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
...the kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you guys.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's episode.
I'm joined on the phone from New York City and Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Cinematic Titanic, which will be, where are you going to be this weekend?
This weekend, I'm going to be in Portland at the Baghdad Theater.
It's not Cinematic Titanic, but it's me, Dana Gould, Trace Bully, and J. Elvis Weinstein and Ron Lynch.
Wow.
Live riff of Plan 9 from Outer Space.
Oh, okay.
So that's this weekend.
Check it out at Portland, the Bridgetown Comedy Festival.
That's Frank Conniff.
Hi, Frank.
And across the glass for me, former writer for The Daily Show, hilarious comedian.
You heard him at the top of the show with Steve Rosenfield.
Hey, Steve.
Hey, Jimmy.
Great to be back on Kawinga.
Yes, it is.
Next to him, it's our resident Japanese man, hilarious comedian Robert Yasimura.
Hey, Robert, how are you?
How are you?
All right.
Across from him, across from him is our resident Latina, host of Comedy and Everything Else at Steph Zamarano.
Hi, Steph.
How are you?
Hi, Jimmy.
I'm doing great.
I just want to remind everybody that I'm a wise Latina, too.
I don't know what that means.
Sonia Sodomier.
Oh, Sonia Sotomayor.
Okay, and you know, let's do some jokes before we get to the jokes.
You know what?
You know, Juligo Chavez died this week, and in Venezuela, under Hugo Chavez, one man controlled all the media.
That's right, Jimmy.
Unlike America, where three or four men.
All right.
Hey, did you hear about that baby?
There was a baby born with HIV, and they cured the baby.
That really happened.
And I'm just saying, shouldn't all the attention we give to the dude in a papal robe go to the folks wearing lab coats?
Not really funny.
We'll cut it.
I'm still working on that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Shouldn't all the, but yet we're giving all the attention to a guy in a robe in Italy with red shoes who does nothing.
Right.
Hey, you got it.
Hundreds of retweets.
Screw yourself.
I'm having to explain it here to a former writer for the Daily Show.
We got confused.
That's the first joke you've had to explain.
Come on.
We got confused with the PayPal.
Yeah.
Raper like, I was in.
Oh, okay.
You're right.
Did you see Mitt Romney went on Fox News with Chris Wallace?
And they asked him about why he thought he lost.
And, you know, he's gotten over it now.
And he said, well, I would have won if it weren't for those meddling blacks, Latinos, women, poor, and working class folks.
Now that he has some free time, the former Pope is going to be doing some TED Talks.
Did you know that?
I'm sorry, he's going to be doing some molest TED talks.
Hey, did you know that Jimmy Fallon is, they say he's set to take over the tonight show from Jay Leno in 2014.
Yes, and that means that Jay Leno is going to take the tonight show back from him in early 2015.
Hey, did you see the big gaffe?
Obama made a big gaff.
They were asking him, why don't you get the Republicans to compromise?
And he said he meant to say, what did he mean to say, Frank?
A mind-meld?
He can't do a mind-meld.
He mixed up Star Wars and Star Trek.
And so now lots of geeks and nerds are demanding to see his long-form five-day comic-con past.
Yes, there's a lot of Americans are upset about it, the Americans that are afflicted with the disability of not having a fucking life.
Okay, what's coming up on today's show?
Well, Jeb Bush, we're going to talk about him.
He's talking about immigration.
Did you see him talk about immigration, Steve?
He did.
He shows showing that he has a big interest in losing in 2016 in the primaries.
All right, there you go.
I finally got it out.
And then we're going to talk about Dennis Rodman went to Korea and George Stephanopoulos really gives it to him.
I was shocked that Dennis Robbins botched the Korean trip so badly.
I always thought he was perfect ambassador material.
So then we're going to talk about John Boehner.
He went on Meet the Press and slung a couple of clichés and got David Gregory to actually pair some right-wing talking points.
We'll talk about that.
Plus, there's a lawsuit against J.P. Morgan Chase.
That's right.
That shows that they knew they were selling junk securities to their customers.
And I got to tell you, I am shocked.
And after that, we're going to talk about the sequester.
And Senator Kelly Ayot and John McCain are really afraid of defense cuts because, you know, let's face it, if these budget cuts go through, it'll be impossible for our country to fight a pointless, unpopular war for 11 or 12 years.
Okay, that's coming up.
Plus, we got phone calls from Bill O'Reilly.
The Pope Benedict calls in today.
Plus, John Boehner calls in and a lot lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
So Dennis Rodman went to North Korea, right?
And he met with Kim Jong-un.
And it was all part of people don't know that this was part of a media publicity stunt that worked out perfectly for them.
So he's working with this media company that's known for doing these kind of things.
So they went and they stayed the basketball game in North Korea, hoping that Kim Jong-un would show up.
And he did show up.
And so it all worked out.
But he has a lot of human rights problems in North Korea with Kim Jong-un.
No.
So George Snuffalupagus decides to invite Dennis Rodman on and give him the, hold his feet to the fire.
And then, yeah, and then after, I hear next week, he's going to discuss Iran's nuclear capability with Omarosa and Mike the Situation.
Much CTV.
It's the toughest interview I've ever seen, George Snuffalupagis.
It really, Frank, you're not kidding.
It was a really tough interview.
And, well, here, I'll just play it for you.
He's not afraid to speak truth to people who aren't that powerful.
You said you love Kim and think he's awesome.
You don't even need a joke.
Well, he is kind of awesome.
Okay, here we go.
You said you loved him and think he's awesome.
Were you aware of his threats to destroy the United States and his regime's horrendous record on human rights?
One thing about that, you know what?
I didn't look at all that right there.
I understand what he's doing.
I don't condone that.
I hate the fact that he's doing that, but the fact of it is that, you know what, as a human being, though.
So, of course, this is not where I wanted the comedy to come from.
I want the comedy to be all aimed at George Snuffalupagus and not Dennis Ruff.
Of course, Dennis Ruff.
Of course, he's a knucklehead.
Of course.
Here he is.
Yeah, he was a basketball player.
Now you expect him to be Secretary of State.
Here we go.
No, he did one thing to me.
Been a friend.
I didn't talk about that.
Understand that.
I understand that.
Do you think you have a responsibility to ask him about it so that you don't be perceived as sort of propping up his regime, his cult of personality?
Do you think you have a responsibility?
That's George Snuffalupagis pretending to be a hard-hitting journalist with somebody who can't hurt his social standing in Georgetown.
This is why George is still on top.
He saves his tough questions for ex-basketball players.
It's unbelievable.
So this is, I find, Frank, do you find it ironic that a Sunday morning news host is criticizing someone else for not asking hard questions of leaders?
I know, I know.
He's saying to Dennis Rodman, well, you know, you asked him about human rights.
Well, why don't you ask any of the administration officials that you have on anything at all?
Yes, right.
Exactly.
Here's a guy, by the way, George Snuffalupagus, that we know, goes to Christmas parties at Donald Rumsfeld's house.
Oh, my God.
And brings a gift.
And brings a gift.
I know that from a delightful anecdote his wife told on the Bill Maher show about when they went to George, they went to Donald Rumsfeld's house for a Christmas party, and she told this cute story.
He lent her a children's book, and blah, blah, blah.
Yes.
Meanwhile, nobody's saying, what the hell is your husband doing going to Donald Rumsfeld's house for a Christmas party?
You know what?
To you inside the Beltway, he might seem like a nice guy, but those of us outside the Beltway know that he's kind of a dick.
And we also know that he happens to be a war criminal.
And so that's going to come up because it's just funny that George Snuffalupagus is getting on Dennis Rodman for not asking pertinent questions of foreign leaders.
I think, you know, the hardest question I'd expect Dennis Rodman to ask would be, is this North or South Korea?
And by the way, George, I'm glad you're really showing that you won't put up with someone like Dennis Rodman.
And remember that next time you have Ann Culture on your show for the 800th time.
Yes.
Yes.
So here he's, so George is in rare form and he keeps going.
A great guy.
He does a great guy.
If you sit down and talk to him, you know, perception is Stevie, how things are.
He's a great guy who puts 200,000 people in prison camps.
Well, you know, guess what?
I can't guess.
Tell me.
Dennis Rodman couldn't get along with a single other basketball player his entire career.
He gets along great with Kim Jong-un.
Well, Jen, you know what?
For the first time.
For the first time ever.
Okay.
Here he's got a little bit more to say.
Same thing here.
We have prison camps here in the United States.
We don't have prison camps.
Yes, yes, George.
So first of all, that line of questioning.
Can you believe he's asking a black man from America, why didn't you condemn Kim Jong-il for imprisoning 200,000 people?
Meanwhile, there's 2.3 million people last count in the United States jails, which, and by the way, he's saying it to a black guy, which blacks are way overrepresented in the prison population.
You know how much overrepresented?
They make up about 10% of the U.S. population, blacks.
They make up 35% of the prison population.
So to put it in context for you, 4% of the United States blacks males were in jail or prison last year compared to how many white males do you think?
What percent?
4% of black males were in prison in the United States.
What percent of white males?
0.7.
So that means...
In other words, black males were locked up at almost six times the rate of their white counterparts.
He is saying to, what are you talking about?
We have prison camps in America?
Yeah, George.
Yeah, but there's a law against calling them prison, Kim.
Isn't this almost like the first time George Snuffalopagus has had follow-up questions and additional facts?
Yeah.
Yes.
With him.
With him, he's getting on.
No.
The Bush administration put one past him for eight years, but Dennis Rodman, forget it.
And here's George has one more a-hole move.
Go back?
Yes, I am.
I'm going to go back and do one thing and find out more.
What's really going on?
If anyone can get to the bottom of this Dennis cam.
He's going to go back and do a fact-finding trip.
He's going to take a delegation of other NBA bad boys.
It sounds like Dennis wants to be a correspondent for George Stepanoff of this.
Yes, I think that's a slam dunk.
So here he goes on.
Okay, next time you go back, you should bring this report from Human Rights Watch with you and maybe ask me questions about that as well.
You might learn a lot more and it might press him as well.
But thank you for coming on.
Okay.
Hey, George, how about you take this human rights report about Abu Ghraib to the next Donald Rumsfeld party?
How about that, George Snuffalopigis?
waterboarding report at a Donald Rumsfeld party will result in a delightful Alexandra Wentworth anecdote.
*laughter*
The Jimmy Dora show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them, too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Thank you.
The sequester has happened, right?
It's happening.
And John Boehner went on press the meet with David Gregory to talk about it.
And hey, you know, what do you say?
You start us off with a cliché.
Can you start us off with a cliché?
You can't continue to spend money that you don't have.
Oh, that's perfect.
Thank you very much.
Of course, we could spend money we didn't have when Bush was president, but that's got to stop now.
That was different.
That was all different, okay?
Now, do you have another cliche, maybe something about tax cuts, create jobs?
I like that one.
That if we bring tax rates down, then we will help spur economic growth in our country.
All right.
That's fantastic.
Even though, you know, how when you remember when tax or cutting tax rates created jobs never?
Remember that?
I remember that.
When that happened, that happened.
That twice didn't happen before.
You don't have to point that out because I'm sure David Gregory pointed that out to him.
He let it go right and let it go right past him.
Hey, John.
Oh, really?
Really?
Hey, John, what about you haven't even said anything about kicking a can yet?
Can you say something about it?
Kick this can down the road, kick it down the road, and kick it down the road.
We're out of road to kick the can down.
Yeah, we're mostly out of road to kick the can down because Republicans won't authorize spending for roads.
No more roads.
I don't know if you know this, but kick the can down is John Boehner's favorite gay bar.
You really are living in the village.
I see him there every night.
So, um...
So here's how John Boehner answers the question: is the sequester going to hurt our economy?
Here's how he answers it when he thinks the sequester is going to be blamed on Obama.
Ready?
Here we go.
I am concerned about its impact on our economy and its impact on our military.
And here's how he answers that question when he thinks the sequester is going to be blamed on him.
I don't know whether it's going to hurt the economy or not.
Very nice, John Boehner.
Okay.
So here's the thing.
He's been taking a lot of grief from the Tea Party, right?
Because they never want to raise revenue.
They're never going to raise revenue.
And that's going to be part of the balanced approach, right?
So let me make sure I have this right to be fair.
I don't think that's the Tea Party so much as it is the Gervais-Norquist faction.
Tea Party just doesn't want to govern.
Well, they don't want to pay any taxes.
They don't want to do anything, period, but they hate taxes.
Okay, so here we go.
So John Boehner, he's in a pickle with his Tea Party base because they never want to raise taxes for anything.
And part of this compromise for the sequester is you've got to have a balanced approach.
Going to have some tax increases and going to get some spending cuts.
And so are you into, how are you going to pull that off, John Boehner?
Are you in trouble with your base in the country?
Let me just say this.
There's not one member of our caucus who said one word to me that was critical of the fact that we lower taxes for 99.1% of the American people.
Wow.
So you're telling me that you've already cut taxes already.
You guys have already cut taxes for 99.9% of the American people.
So what about the tax increases?
So now you're going to raise taxes with the president, right?
The president got his tax hikes on January the 1st.
Okay, he got it.
What?
I thought you said you just cut taxes for 99.9% of the people.
The president got $650 billion of higher taxes on the American people on January the 1st.
Okay, now which is it?
Now, you said you cut taxes, and now you're saying that you and the president raised taxes $650 billion already?
Which is it?
I'm going to say it one more time.
Okay, here we go.
Here we go, I'm going to say it one more time.
The president got his tax hikes on January the 1st.
Okay, and quit asking me about revenue.
I'm getting tired of taking the stern tone with you to simulate having principles.
So I just think it's so he gets caught mixing talking points together.
His one talking point is we've cut taxes for everybody.
And his other talking point is the president's already raised taxes $650 billion.
Well, which is it, John?
Because, you know, we all know that you can't raise taxes or cut taxes without the consent of you.
Right.
Right.
I mean, I think Boehner, you know, it sounds like he just needs new writers.
He needs to come up with new material.
No kidding, right?
It's the same old state.
Or, you know, maybe real positions, real political positions.
Or maybe have some actual positions instead of.
Vigorous political positions that don't require contradictory talking points.
I mean, he's betraying the fact that his platform is nothing.
Right.
Yes, exactly.
He's revealing the fact that his platform is.
I'm a little suspect when he says, you know, I didn't hear one word for my cook.
I'm like, okay, you probably heard more than one word.
Is that it?
Is that the loophole there?
Well, here is he, they bring on Sperling, Gene Sperling from the White House, right?
Who's famous for threatening reporters with cordial emails?
So here is Gene Sperling.
Gene Sperling is to Obama what Joe Pesci was to Robert Jeaniro and Casino.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, definitely.
I've heard Gene Sperling say, you fuck my wife anyway.
So here he, so David Gregory decides to, hey, you've heard that right-wing talking point about that the president.
So what the president has been doing is since he can't get the conservatives in Congress to negotiate whatsoever, is he's taking his plan to end the sequester out to the people.
And he's using the bully pulpit, and he's influencing the people directly when he goes to these towns, because I'm sure he eats up all the news coverage in that town that day.
And he tells these people to pressure their congressmen to help get a deal going because here's what I'm offering.
And that's called leading.
And that's what a president is supposed to do.
You often hear them say that.
Hey, why don't you use the bully pulpit?
And why don't you lead?
Why don't you get the, why don't you rally the people, go directly to the people.
So that is what he's doing.
And so what the Republicans call that is campaigning.
Oh, the president's still campaigning.
He's campaigning.
Yeah, even though he just won a campaign a couple months ago, and he's never going to run for anything ever again in his life.
They say he's out campaigning somehow.
That's the right-wing talking point.
God forbid he includes the people who elected him and who are technically his boss.
Yes.
Congress's boss, that they have would have any, that he would try to get the public to have any influence in getting what they voted for.
Right.
Yes, exactly.
Yes.
Hey, remember when you voted for me?
Well, they're not giving it to me, and I'm here to let you know.
So it's all a good thing what he's doing.
This is exactly what politicians should be doing more of, going out and meeting people.
But that's, again, if he's doing it, it's got to be wrong.
And here's David Gregory decides to go ahead and just insert that canard, that right-wing talking point, in another BS question.
But as you knew, Mr. Sperling, you were not going to get new revenue.
They signaled this repeatedly, and the president went out there to campaign and try to raise the stakes and raise the public pressure, and it didn't work.
Was it a miscalculation?
Wow, did you hear that?
So the president ran an actual campaign for president based on raising taxes to cut the deficit.
He won overwhelmingly.
So according to David Gregory, that means nothing.
See, you might have just won an election based on raising taxes, but the Republicans in the House, who are the minority party, say they won't do that, so they win.
How is it a miscalculation that he goes out?
A miscalculation with who?
I mean, was he going to convince the Republicans if he didn't do that?
It's like a miscalculation with David Gregory and some of the other pundits.
Hey, we just didn't like it.
That was a total miscalculation.
Total miscalculation.
So now on to, now here's Tom Brokaw.
Now, Tom Brokaw's reputation as a respected senior journalist allows him to be both completely nonpartisan and a wealthy right-wing douchebag.
Best of both worlds.
Let's remember that.
So here he is being a wealthy right-wing douchebag and pretending to be the voice of reason.
I think the president, by my lights, at least entirely too much time in the last two weeks campaigning.
Bang!
There you go.
The president has spent too much time in the last two.
What should he have been doing, Tom, according to you?
Tom's right.
The president wasted his time trying to get the public to support him when they already did that in the last election.
Yeah, every minute Obama is out campaigning two whole weeks for two whole weeks.
That monster?
And you know, Steve, every minute that Barack Obama is out campaigning for increased revenues is a minute he's not cutting the social safety net.
And that's a big problem.
Big problem.
Because nothing, okay, so here's what, here's according to Tom Brokaw, what he should have been doing.
Ought to have been maybe at Camp David and said to Boehner and his team and members of the Republican side on the Senate side.
Bring the leadership up here.
Let's spend five days showing the public that we are interested in trying to make a heroic effort to get a deal here.
Oh, my God.
So what he's saying is that the president should have had some metrics.
He should have put on a show and he should have invited the House leadership, the Republican leadership to Camp David for five days to show the American people that they are really trying to work this out, even though Barack Obama knows that they're not going to negotiate on revenue.
So it would be pointless and it would all be a show.
So what Tom Brokaw does instead, and so what he says is that instead of Barack Obama putting that show on, he shames Barack Obama for putting another show on, according to Tom Brokaw.
He should have been going on the road campaigning for his policies.
He should have stayed here and put a show on for the American people.
So don't go hang out with the public.
Hang out with the other congresspeople in your weekend getaway.
And the idea that going to Camp David would have made any difference.
I mean, what is John Boehner and Eric Hanner going to go?
You know, I didn't want to cave on revenues, but man, that Gaspar Show Soup.
Camp David was so, I mean, Michelle is such a gracious host.
They really put on a nice weekend for us.
The Linen was always very fresh and clean.
A delightful weekend host.
Let's vote for more revenue.
Yeah, let's go ahead and raise taxes.
And nobody put, that was, by the way, that was said on MSNBC, and no one pushed back.
And it was said on the cycle, which, as you know, all four hosts, since they work together, they're always on the same cycle.
It was Steve Kornaki and Torre, and no one was challenging him on this at all.
Yeah, nobody pushes back when he says, because nobody pushes back.
You must get overwhelmed by Tom Brokaw's presence, and he just starts spouting right-wing talking points.
But he does it with such an earnest look on his face.
You know, Torre did a really aggressive takedown of Seth McFarlane last week.
Yeah.
Tom Brokaw, forget about him.
Yeah, yeah, forget that.
Exactly.
You know, didn't he say this on the heels that they had just barely approved Chuck Hagel?
Yes.
Like, isn't this like, he's just pretending like all these facts don't matter at all, that the Republicans are ready to go ahead and compromise this?
He said it on the heels of four years of this.
Why can't Obama have the Republicans who just rejected a Republican be reasonable?
Great.
Exactly.
He's pretending like, hey, again, he's doing the Barack Obama's just as responsible for this.
And we all know that these are self-inflicted wounds because the Republicans decided to not raise the debt ceiling, which is the most irresponsible thing you could possibly do.
It's already hurt our economy, and they've downgraded our rating because of that, because of the intransigence in Congress, right?
And it's not because of Barack Obama, and it's not because Barack Obama isn't willing to cut Medicare and Social Security.
He is.
But according to Tom Brokaw, it's still Barack Obama's fault, even though he's offering a compromise and the Republicans aren't.
And there is never any pushback on any of these talk shows any longer.
Like, there used to be like a real exchange.
Like, people would debate each other, but it really seems like, you know, Jimmy, when you used to do that thing, Byron Allen's comedy, comic show.
Comics Unleashed.
Yeah, where he goes.
How does it go, Jimmy?
Like, oh, man, hey, Steve, you said something funny about dating.
Go ahead.
And that's kind of like what they're doing at all these Sunday talk shows.
It's like, here's your topic.
I forgot that I would conclude that Byron Allen is a more aggressive and a better journalist.
But Byron Allen, to his credit, does ask follow-up questions.
Like he'll say, so I hear you hate driving.
And then he'll follow that up with, say, I hear you don't like dating.
I heard now you, and then he'll say something like, now you went to Afghanistan.
That was crazy, right?
Okay, coming up on the second half of this week's show, we're going to have phone calls from who Mitt Romney calls in.
That's right.
He's going to tell us what he's been doing since losing the election.
Pope Benedict calls in.
Let us know what he's going to be doing in the private sector.
It's the private sector, Pope.
And we also have a hilarious call.
I don't know if you saw Bill O'Reilly's freak out with Alan Combs the other day, where he called him a liar at the top of his lungs repeatedly.
Well, Bill calls in to defend it.
And that is a call you do not want to miss.
It's a hilarious second half coming up.
And before we get to that, I want to thank everybody who helped support the show by using our Amazon.com box on our front page at jimmydoorcomedy.com.
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But right now, let's get back to hilarity on the second half of this week's show.
Welcome back to the Jimmy Door Show.
I'm joined in the studio by former writer for the Daily Show, Steve Rosenfield, hilarious comedian Robert Yasimura, the host of Comedy Everything Else, Steph Zamborano.
And on the phone, all the way from New York from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's TV's Frank, Frank Conniff.
And right now, we're going to start off the second half of the show with a phone call from Pope Benedict himself.
Okay, on the phone, we have a Jimmy Door exclusive.
We have the former Pope, the private sector Pope himself, Pope Benedict XVI, Joseph Eloisis Ratzinger.
Hey, how are you?
Good and tagged, Hair Jimmy.
Hey, you know, I'm not sure if I should call your holiness or call you Pope Emeritus or call me Josie.
Okay.
Okay.
You know, it must have been an emotional few weeks for you recently.
Am I right about that?
Yes, a completely new life awaits me.
After retiring from church fjord, I shall also be retiring the pink shoes.
I will now wear more understated brown high heels.
That's a great look.
Hey, look, as we watched you take off in a helicopter to your Italian villa, a lot of people wondered what you'd be doing after stepping down from Pope.
I will be mostly doing consultant work.
Consult.
I don't understand what kind of consultant work.
What kind of what do you mean?
Yeah, Ja Ja, consultant work, working for the fjords of industry, doing some motivational speaking.
You're a motivational speaker.
Ja, Ja.
At corporate events, after the annual projections and the opening stand-up from funny man Tom Dreessen.
Come on, and require the workforce.
The power of Christ compels you.
The power of Christ compels you.
My God.
And maybe after the show, you know, hear a confession or two.
You can still do that.
Ja, Ja.
I'll be poping on the downboard, so to speak.
Some people say like new Pope or Diet Pope.
There will always be a market for classic Pope.
I shall also give my time to charities for the Jugend.
I want to make a difference in children's lives.
You know, Pope, I think you already have.
Oh, Valera.
Hey, Jimmy.
Has your management blessed with Indie Kinder yet?
Kinder?
Do you mean children?
No, not yet.
What a shame.
The world needs more Jungen.
Jugend, you keep saying Jungen, that means children.
I think that's creepy.
Sometimes I pronounce things wrong, okay?
Fuck you.
All right, Benedict.
Easy.
Wow, you've really let yourself go since you retired.
Listen, what about the accusations that the Vatican protected priests from all over the world who were known child abusers?
It is dreadful.
Absolutely dreadful.
I blame the media.
You don't accept any responsibility for the perpetuation of these horrible crimes?
I was only following orders.
You can't have a Benedict without poaching some eggs.
Well, that brings up something.
Is it true you were a member of the Hitler youth in Nazi Germany?
I was drafted.
And you were part of the Nazi anti-airplane corps?
I was drafted.
And then you served in the German infantry?
I was drafted.
And then you later became Pope.
I was drafted.
And what about all these stories coming out of Ailody about the Vatican being blackmailed over gay prostitution rings?
Oh, that is ridiculous, Hair Jimmy.
The Vatican has never had any black males in it.
Now, if you'll pardon me, I have other calls to make.
NBC wants me to take over the tonight show from Jay Leno.
You know what?
I'm going to let you get back to your retirement.
You're a Wiener Schnitzel, Jimmy.
Okay, thank you, Pope.
I appreciate it.
Cha-cha.
*Alarm* *Alarm*
So, Bill O'Reilly, a friend of the show, Bill O'Reilly, was on with Alan Combs and another pretty blonde girl who was wrong about everything.
And they were talking about Alan Combs was making, Bill O'Reilly was trying to pretend that it's Barack Obama who's the obstructionist.
It's Barack Obama who isn't letting the Republicans make a compromise on the sequester, which we all know that that's backwards, even though that kind of talking points, that's kind of conventional wisdom that's creeping into the mainstream right now.
So Alan Combs pushes back.
And, well, let's just play a little bit of it.
He's not a problem solver.
He is a fundamental transformer.
He's not a normal president.
I disagree with what's being said here.
He's offered $2.50 in tax cuts for every dollar.
And that's nothing to say.
He's not cuts in Medicare.
He's offered to be a program.
No, that's not specific.
And he has to say, here are the programs that are going to go down.
Here's how we're going to reform Medicare and Social Security.
And the man refuses to do.
Yes, he is.
He is in the cutting program.
Hold it.
Because now I'm getting teed off of you.
Give me one damn program.
He's sitting calling.
Entitlement.
Why are you programming?
Why do you want to yell at me?
Because you're lying.
I'm not lying.
You are lying.
Don't just sit there and call me.
You're lying.
I'm not lying.
Here's the thing.
You don't like the truth.
You don't like what he's doing.
You don't sit there and call me a liar.
I am.
Give me one program.
We can have a disagreement.
We're not calling me a liar.
No, you're lying.
It's not necessary.
You are lying.
I'm not lying.
There's a true agreement.
There's a difference between having a disagreement and calling me a liar.
That's a personality.
This is why I'm calling you a liar.
Give me one program he said he cut.
It would cut Medicare and Medicare.
Sawford Cuts.
So he keeps saying that.
It's not specific.
Programs.
All right.
Those are programs.
Okay.
Okay.
So Bill's screaming at the top of his lungs.
He's named one program.
First of all, I don't know if you remember, Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan ran on the platform that Barack Obama is gutting Medicare.
He cut $764 billion from Medicare, which he did.
He cut that and the way they figured it out.
So they don't count that.
Plus, he's already offered to do a chain CPI to Social Security, which is a cut in Social Security.
So he's offered to cut.
He's already cut Medicare.
He's offered to cut it more, and he's offered to cut Social Security in order to make a bargain over something he shouldn't even have to make a bargain over because he's won the election.
Okay?
To say that Obama is not a compromiser is so ridiculous because Republicans are so obstinate, they're not even letting Obama get to the point that he wants to get, which is him caving to them.
Right?
They won't even let him get to that.
Yes, they won't take yes for an answer, Frank.
Yes.
That's exactly what.
I mean, Barack Obama's like, listen, you guys, you want to cut Medicare and Social Security?
I'm on board.
Let's do it.
Would you just let me do it?
And they won't.
They won't come to a so anyway.
Let's.
I got Bill O'Reilly on the phone here.
Oh.
Jimmy Door.
It's Bill O'Reilly.
Hey, Bill.
How are you doing, buddy?
We're just remarking about how explosive your temper is when being proven wrong on television.
What are you talking about?
I am the living personification of decorum.
Bill, you know what?
I don't think you know what decorum means or personification.
That's what I mean.
Give me one example of when I wasn't the personification of decorum.
Name me one, Jack off.
How about last night with Alan Combs?
What about that?
No, I'm asking for a specific instance.
What are you talking about?
One specific thing.
I'm telling you, last night with Alan.
Specify the specifics.
One.
Bill, I just said last night with Alan Combs.
You're starting to piss me off.
That's not a specific situation.
Of course it is.
Give me a specific situation where I wasn't the personification of decorum, jackass.
Or shut your stupid mouth.
You got it?
Listen, how about with Jeremy Glick, the son of the 9-11 victim, you screamed and kicked off your show?
How about any interview you've done with Barney Frank?
How about Andrea Mackis, your producer, who you sexually harassed?
How about last night?
I said a specific situation.
I was on specific instance.
Name one instance where I lost my cool and was not the personification of decorum.
Name one ass.
Bill, Bill, why are you yelling at me?
I don't understand why you're yelling.
I'm not yelling.
And I'm yelling because you're a liar.
See, Bill, this is what I'm talking about.
This is exactly.
What you're talking about is you're a liar.
Just like Holmes.
Look, I'm giving you examples.
I'm answering your questions.
I'm proving you wrong.
So, like a scared bully, you yell at me and try to intimidate me.
That's all you're trying to do is intimidate me.
That's not true.
What do you mean that?
That's not true.
Yes, it is true.
Take it back, or you can expect a visit from Fox Security.
This is what you're doing.
Yeah.
See, Bill, this is what I'm talking about.
You're trying to intimidate me by threatening.
Why am I not drunk right now?
I'm supposed to call you drunk.
That's because Jim Earl was sick this week.
Ah, yeah, he writes the drugs.
You're too busy doing bitter tweets.
Yeah.
Full-time job for that guy.
I'm not even going to Bill O'Reilly voice anymore.
Fuck.
I'm thrifting off course here.
Come on, come back.
Come on back, Bill.
Specific situation.
Bill, this can't be.
Give me one specific situation where it don't quite sound like Bill O'Reilly.
Right now, you don't sound like Bill O'Reilly.
I said one space.
I'm telling you that right now you don't sound like Bill O'Reilly and that time before.
I appreciate you having me on the show, Jimmy.
This has been Bill O'Reilly.
No, see, you don't sound like him again.
This would be two times.
You didn't sound like him.
I'm sorry.
I got a little off course there.
Next time, I'll be way more down the center for you.
Okay, I appreciate it, Bill.
Thanks for coming on the show, buddy.
Thank you very much.
You're a liar.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Thank you.
Okay, so now there's a sequester happening, right?
And so that means Across the Board cuts 50-50 social programming and defense cuts.
Turns out that, so this is a clip from CNN from a few months ago when Senator John McCain and Kelly Aya went on CNN with Soledad O'Brien, who's now leaving Soledado CNN.
Frank, you predicted it, by the way, when we were on the Jimmy Dork.
She's leaving her show.
I don't think she's leaving CNN, though.
Right.
Yeah, she's going to stick, just like Glenn Beck, she's going to come back and do documentaries.
Sure, she is.
Yeah, documentaries about nothing that they want.
It's a payoff.
Yeah, so here she was.
She was interviewing them, and you called it, Frank, last year when she was holding politicians' feet to the fire.
John Sununu, you said, wow, I look forward to hearing Soledad on her next podcast.
So you knew it, and they did.
They got rid of her, right?
You can't tell the truth on CNN and expect to keep your job, okay?
You can't hold politicians' feet to the fire on CNN and think you're going to be there next year.
So here she was a couple of months ago with John McCain and Kelly Ara.
And they're talking about they were coming on to lobby against defense cuts, but they couldn't tell you again.
Whenever you ask somebody who's trying to stick up and trying to end defense cuts, they can't tell you how it will hurt.
So here's here we go.
And let's remember that.
You know, John McCain and Kelly Ayat are here to make the point that what keeps us strong is the United States' superior ability to waste trillions of dollars, right?
And let's just face it, the Republicans' defense budget is like a religion.
Sure, it doesn't make any sense, but you have to believe in it or you'll die.
Okay, so here they go.
They're on with Soledad, and here's where we go.
$100 billion cut over the next 10 years.
You have said that sequestration would be devastating.
Give me a list of why.
Well, first of all, it's on top of another $460 billion that already is being cut.
Second of all, it's the view.
So again, she asks why, what's going to happen?
He can't tell you.
Well, it's just, there's all there's more cut.
He can't tell you.
Now, here's the second reason.
The first reason isn't a reason.
Here's the second reason.
To Secretary Panetta and our uniformed leaders who have used words like devastating, impossible to carry out our national security challenges, meet those security challenges, the most graphic terms they have used as to the effects of these cuts.
So basically, she said, what's going to happen?
John McCain said, nothing but job.
It's Leon Panetta.
He said, he said it's going to be devastating, Leon Panetta.
So now he's quoting a Democrat who says something bad's going to happen, but still can't tell you exactly what it is that's going to happen.
They had on Leon Panetta last week on Meet the Press.
He couldn't tell you.
They had on the Joint Chiefs of Staff on Meet the Press with Leon Panetta.
He couldn't tell you what it's going to do.
They can't tell you.
Remember, they go, oh, there's going to be, they go, they're going to be $85 billion in cuts, and most of that's going to come at the end of the year.
And you know how that's going to screw up the big Christmas party, right?
Remember, we made that joke on the show a couple weeks ago.
So nobody can tell.
This is just another example, Robert, of people who can't tell you how the defense cuts are going to hurt the defense.
You know, who could tell you was Craig Schumacher on Comics Unleashed with Byron Adams.
So here she tries again.
What is going to happen?
What is going to happen?
And here we go again.
Again, that Secretary Panetta said would be devastating to our national defense.
So it's really this Panetta guy.
They're hanging it all on Leon Panetta, which is the first time Republicans have agreed with a Democrat since the last time they talked to Joe Lieberman.
So here we go.
Again, she tries, she pushes it more.
And not to mention the job losses, the over a million jobs that would be lost, and the billions of dollars also in defense industry.
So it's a very serious situation.
Congress should sit down, Republicans and Democrats.
So again, so again, the only thing he can say that's going to happen is that we're going to lose jobs because we're not spending that money on defense stuff anymore.
And Leon Panetta says it will be scary.
And that's all he can say, right?
Yeah.
Especially it's going to cut the jobs in your district, probably.
Okay.
Democrats and work this out, but we also need the president's leadership to call us together and avoid these cuts, which, again, that Secretary Panett said would be devastating to our national defense.
So that's it.
Leon Panetta says it would be devastating and we'll lose a lot of jobs.
That's all they can.
Okay, that's all you got to do.
Okay, so our military budget, how much more do we spend on our military than the rest of the world?
We look at the details of the military budget, which was $711 billion in 2011, five times the size of China's, almost 10 times the size of Russia's, 11 times the size of Britain's, 11 times the size of France's.
Yeah, of course we spend 11 times more than France.
Do we realize how much it costs every year to not be French?
It's a fortune.
You know, Frank, you can't compare our military budget to England and France because they waste their money on universal health care.
Yes, yes, exactly.
Okay, so she lays it out a little bit more.
She's got a little bit more to say.
Here we go.
Come on.
To look at those numbers and say, Senator Ayat, the U.S. is just out of line in terms of spending when you compare it to other countries.
And especially if we're talking about there's going to be no tax increase to help pay for it, you got to cut somewhere.
And this is it.
This is what was agreed to.
Okay, and here's what Kelly Arat says, why we can't cut military.
Well, actually, I want to put this in perspective.
First of all, what we're spending on defense right now, it's about 4.7% of our GDP.
It's actually a historical low given the conflicts we've been involved in.
If you look over the history.
So she's making the case that because our defense spending is actually as a part of our GDP is low.
So we're spending at lows when you look at it in terms of GDPs.
So according to her, we're not spending enough.
That's her first point.
See, if you look at it through the lens of the GDP, we actually need to spend more on the military.
That's if you look at it through the GDP lens.
So since it's been proven that we spend 11 times what France spends, maybe we don't look at the military through a GDP lens, right?
How about we look at it through the, oh my fucking God, prisms.
How about we look at it through that prism?
We're spending more money than the rest of the world on military.
Second point.
Here we go.
Here's a second point.
History of our nation.
And also, even if we took all the defense spending, including the war spending, we wouldn't even get barely half of the deficits we've been running over the last several years.
So defense spending can't address all of our debt.
So again, second point, like every right-wing, if your solution to the problem doesn't fix the entire problem, then we have to throw it out.
So if this will only save half the defense spending, right?
So cutting defense spending won't eliminate the whole deficit.
So we shouldn't count any of the defense spending.
You know, honestly, I did a better job of lying when I got caught stealing wine from the church in eighth grade.
She's getting taken apart by a CNN anchor who isn't even trying.
But the key word, devastating, the key word there is devastating.
We have to protect against all the threats out there.
And of course, the biggest threat of all, the black vote in Florida.
I mean, if they make these cuts, we're going to end up with 120 soldiers and their underwear inside 12 Jeeps.
and that's all that's going to be left.
No.
He still believes in them.
Which have cost us a trillion.
The Iraq war alone has cost us a trillion dollars.
And he has no problem with it.
Frank, if you want to look at waste, you look at Medicare and Social Security.
Those programs cost billions of dollars, and every person they help dies anyway.
It's hopeless.
So where would you cut?
Whereas Iraq is a quagmire that just lasts forever.
We really get our money's worth out of it.
So here they ask, where should we cut?
They asked these two.
Where should we cut?
Where should we be cutting?
So then, Senator McCain, where would you cut?
I mean, what would you recommend goes for $500 billion?
Well, first of all, when you look at the increase in overall spending, obviously we could restrain that.
So his suggestion is we need to restrain our overall spending.
Just not the defense.
What does that include military?
Would that exactly overall spending?
Again, I hope Bill O'Reilly doesn't hear him because he'll lose it.
Yes, so here we go.
I think, as I mentioned, we've already cut $460 billion from the defense budget.
I would also point out that if we sat down together, we could look at loophole closing.
We could look at spending cuts.
We could look at freezes.
We could look at all kinds of things.
This super committee, it came close to an agreement.
Is he pressing a stone?
Sounds like it, right?
Yeah, yeah, sure.
In short, what he's saying, cut somewhere else.
Cut education, cut road construction, cut health care to old People, cut meals on wheels, cut Head Start, cut anything.
I don't give a damn what you cut, but don't cut Lockheed Martin.
I mean, the people of Arizona don't want the military budget cut.
Where's my Oscar?
It's very convincing to hear a man talk about austerity who owns 11 homes.
Yes.
Yes.
Cuts.
He doesn't know how many.
And doesn't know how many homes he owes.
So I just want to say, you know, it's talking about defense spending.
The day before 9-11, so 9-10, 2001, Donald Rumsfeld called the press conference to announce that the Pentagon could not account for a trillion dollars.
According to some estimates, we cannot track $2.3 trillion in transactions.
$2.3 trillion.
I'm sorry.
$2.3 trillion.
How was the talk?
I'm going to hear it again.
According to some estimates, we cannot track $2.3 trillion in transactions.
So I just wanted to make that point that you can't cut military spending.
They can't even account for $2.3 trillion.
Hi, this is Jimmy.
Who's this?
Hey, Jimmy, this is Mitt.
Who?
Mitt Romney.
Yeah, you remember me.
I ran for president.
Oh, right, right, right.
Mitt Romney.
Hey, what have you been doing with yourself lately, buddy?
What have you been doing?
Oh, you know, mostly watching boxing on the Spanish channel.
Also contemplating how I'll be in tombs.
Should I be buried in a mount of burning money or go more old-fashioned with a mausoleum made of gold?
So you've been keeping yourself busy then, huh?
Oh, sure.
I have so many options now.
NBC wants me to take over the tonight show for Jay Leno.
Did you see me on Fox News with Chris Wallace?
No, what did you guys talk about?
I explained why I lost the election to that nice man.
Wow.
Wow.
Why did you lose the election, Mitt?
Can you tell us why you lost the election?
Minorities.
Minorities?
I was way too real for them.
I don't understand.
What do you mean?
You were too real.
Somehow we couldn't figure out how to fool minorities into thinking that Republicans want to make their lives better.
Oh, like when you said you didn't care about the 40% of voters who you called entitled and won't take responsibility for themselves.
That's what you said on tape.
You can't blame minorities or the media for that, can you?
Is that what you mean?
Well, I don't blame the media.
I blame Jimmy Carter for having a grandson.
I didn't express myself correctly.
Okay, hold on.
Well, I didn't express myself correctly.
You know how it is, Jimmy.
You're at a fundraiser in front of your fellow rich people, and you've had one too many flavored waters.
Pretty soon you and pretty soon what?
You don't know what you're saying.
Okay, I know exactly how that is.
I had to access that.
You know, Jimmy, when you speak in private, you don't consider how it can be twisted or distorted or how it can come out wrong.
Sure, sure.
I understand that.
Yeah, I got it.
I care about everybody in the country, except for the Portuguese.
Those dirty thieves should be gutted in their sleep before they steal our daughter.
I'm sorry.
Mitt, what are you saying?
Sorry, I'm sorry.
That was an unfortunate statement I just made.
It's not what I meant.
I didn't express myself as I wished I would have.
Can you see how people would think that doesn't sound like a candidate who cares about everybody in the country?
Can you see that?
I understand that the mistakes of my campaign are ultimately my responsibility.
As the captain, I have to go down with the ship.
Hey, I went down with the ship.
Boy, was my tongue tired.
What?
Oh, I don't get it.
Okay.
Well, listen, Mitt, I really appreciate you checking in with us.
Thank you for stopping by.
I thought I was living the American dream.
Be God-fearing and a good father.
Make lots of money by crushing the lives of your fellow citizens.
Hide all your money overseas so you don't have to pay taxes.
Then everybody would love me and make me their president.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's the American dream.
That's not the American dream I've heard of.
I'll tell you.
Is that what you think it is?
Carl Rose said he was the kingmaker.
Imagine Anne's disappointment returning the crowns we had for it.
Okay.
Well, listen, Mitt, it was nice talking to you.
I really appreciate it.
Okay.
So thanks for.
Ever since the election, people act like they don't enjoy talking to me.
Nobody returns by messages.
Yeah, well, Mitt, I have things that I need to get done.
I have got to be.
Hey, Jimmy, do you want to go see a performance of the Lion King?
I've got a spare ticket.
I can't get anyone to come with me.
Mitt, I'm really busy.
I can't make it to the movie, but thanks for.
Oh, I see how it is, Jimmy.
Yeah, you see how it is?
Go get death fucked, you diarrhea gargling scum.
Mitt.
Oh, and he hung up.
That was it.
Guess what?
That's it for the podcast version of the Jimmy Door show for this week, but there's lots more stuff to hear.
If you'd like to, guess what?
We have some premium content available.
What's on the premium content?
We're going to talk about the JP Morgan scandal that no one seems to be talking about and how a lawsuit turned up more information of criminal malfeasance inside JPMorgan Chase than any federal prosecutor has in the last 30 years.
Okay, we're going to talk about that.
Plus, Jeb Bush's flip-flopping on immigration.
And guess what?
John Boehner calls in.
He's got a problem.
Jimmy, I got some kind of Tourette syndrome where I just keep saying right-wing talking points.
We're fighting them over there so we don't have to fight them here.
You see?
Holy footballs, man.
I don't even know who I am anymore.
I was nailing my wife the other day and shouted out something about the marginal tax rate.
Want to know the really fucked up thing?
She liked it.
She fucking loved it.
This is a thing.
You can catch all that on this week's premium content, which we're going to make available to everybody one more time, okay?
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I want to thank everybody who helped make today's show possible.
The voices were performed by the inimitable Mike McRae.
And of course, Pope Benedict played by TV's Frank, Frank Conniff.
You can find Mike McRae at mikemcray.com, and you can find Frank Conniff on Twitter.
Today's show was written by Mike McRae, Frank Conniff, Mark Van Landuitt, Steph Samurano, Steve Rosenfield, and Robert Yasambura.
And a big shout out to the gentleman who donates his time and talent to make this show happen.
It's Sean James, who's our Mac genius.
If you've got a problem with your Macintosh, he can fix it for you right over the internet.
You send him an email at MacHelp at SeanJames.com, and he'll get right back to you and fix your computer.
And you spell Sean S-H-A-U-N.
Okay, that's it for this week.
Make sure you check out the premium content over at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
We're all excited about it.
We're going to be doing it every week moving forward.
$5 donation.
Get you the premium content.
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No, the podcast is free.
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