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March 15, 2013 - Jimmy Dore Show
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The Jimmy Dore show starts right now.
This week, Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio was chosen pope number 266.
He's the first Latin American pope, the first Jesuit pope, and the first pope named Jorge Bergoglio.
Other than that, he pretty much looks like all the other ones.
Being from Argentina, there are high hopes that the new pontiff will be zesty.
Bergoglio has taken the name Francis I, partly in tribute to St. Francis of Assisi and also because it'll look good on the door.
He was said to be runner-up at the last papal election, which caused some embarrassment when Francis stalked out screaming that he'd been robbed.
After his election Wednesday, the new pontiff thrilled the crowd with his appearance on the Vatican balcony, though some thought he should have played a few smaller rooms first to get his confidence up.
The new pope faces great challenges.
For example, with 1.2 billion Catholics in the world, how does he attract new members?
Many are hoping he will initiate bold new ideas, like, for example, priests who keep it in their pants.
But there's little doubt Pope Francis will be socially conservative.
He's described gay marriage as the work of the devil and a destructive attack on God's plan.
So already the winds of change are blowing.
One thing we know for sure, thanks to Benedict's surprise resignation, Francis will have to remain pope until he dies or else the whole thing could start to look fishy.
Well, at least this poke never joined the Hitler Youth.
Thank you.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's on talking to you guys.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's episode.
I am joined in the studio across the glass from me, former writer from The Daily Show and the author of Morning Remembrance.
Funny obituaries of real dead people.
It's Ham Radio's Jim Earl.
Hi, Jimmy Dore.
How are you?
Hey, we got a new Pope.
We got a new Pope.
And he's from Argentina.
It's the Pope of Cabana.
There you go.
I got Frank already on a pun, huh?
Next to him, hilarious comedian from Team Yasimura.
It's Robert Yasimura.
How are you, Robert?
I am well.
Great.
Cross from him.
It's the host of Comedy and Everything Else, our resident Latina, Steph Zemarano, is with us.
Hi, Steph.
Hi, Jimmy.
I'm also a Protestant, so I don't understand this whole pulsey thing.
I know.
Next to him, a former writer for The Daily Show, hilarious comedian.
You heard him at the top of the show.
It's Steve Rosenfield.
Hey, Steve, how are you?
Good, Jimmy.
How are you?
I'm doing great on the phone.
All the way from New York City and Cinematic Titanic and Mystery Science Theater and everything else.
And the John Fuglesang show, it's TV's Frank Frank Connoff.
Oh, Pope.
Okay.
Will Rogers?
All right, let's do some jokes before we get to the jokes.
Chris Christie, a CPAC has started, and Chris Christie has been snubbed.
He's not invited to CPAC.
Well, but if he wants to go to a convention that welcomes morbidly obese men, there's always Comic-Con.
Okay.
All right.
And we've got the new Pope.
We're going to be talking about that.
But the new Pope wants to bring the church back to its tradition of repressing women and hating gays in a scandal-free environment.
And you know what?
Do you know what they, when they have the smoke, right?
So the black smoke means, what does it mean?
It means you need more liquids.
It's coming out of your shorts.
I don't think that's going to matter.
Hey, the only thing Christie's running for is the buffet.
I wanted to get my fat Christie joke in there while I could.
Frank, what is the black smoke?
The black smoke is the equivalent of a busy signal.
Oh, okay.
And what does the white smoke mean?
The white smoke heralds to the world that they've chosen a new accessory after the fact.
I thought it meant he was running a meth lab.
No, that they've chosen a new accessory after the fact.
Okay, what's coming up on today's show?
We got a lot to talk about.
A pastor politely asked the KKK to postpone a march.
And the Pope and Paul Ryan goes on Fox News and even they smell out his budget BS.
We're going to talk about Medicare on this week with George Snuffalopagus.
Jeb Bush loves being a Bush.
He comes out of the closet.
Also, Rand Paul did a filibuster.
And Ben Shapiro from Breitbart.com tells us what the Republicans need to do going forward.
We got phone calls today.
The guy from Breitbart.com, his first advice would be, don't die.
Yes, that's what it would be.
And then we're going to have phone calls today from Ron Paul calls in to talk about his son's filibuster.
John Boehner calls in.
Plus, Drunk Bill O'Reilly called me five times.
Wow.
Yes, that's coming up and a lot, lot more on today's Jimmy Dores Show.
Time for another installment of Oh My God.
In this week's Oh My God segment, first let's start off.
I don't have a clip to play for this, but I do.
I want to read something to you.
Headline in the paper, pastor politely asks the KKK to postpone a rally.
And that's what they really respond to is good manners.
We all know that.
That's what the racists enjoy.
A pastor in Memphis, Tennessee is hoping that the Ku Kux Klan would at least wait until after Easter before marching down the street.
There's a season for hate.
This is not.
That's right.
There's a time and place for everything.
The KKK has plans for an Easter Day rally through a city with one of the largest black populations in the country.
Gonna lynch chocolate Easter bunny.
Am I right?
Come on.
I'm with you.
Too soon.
And Pastor Daniel Moore of Overflow Life Church is reaching out to both the community and members of the KKK, hoping to have the event canceled or at the very least delayed.
Quote, there's not a great time for a Klan rally, but certainly we'd ask that you'd consider not doing it on Easter, said Moore.
I just thought it's like, hey, can you do your Hayton tomorrow?
Not on the Lord's Day.
Can you please, I mean, isn't that the whole point of their marches are all about, you know, not offending people, right?
It's like, no, that's why they're doing it on Easter.
It's Super offensive.
Yeah, but they're good at adopting highways.
Yeah, they are good at that.
Frank, did you have something to say?
Racism is like anything else.
There's a proper time and place.
Yes, yes.
Mondays.
I believe that 2,000 years ago, a cult leader vandalized a perfectly nice cemetery.
If they did agree to not do their march, wouldn't they then be agreeing that what they're doing is offensive and wrong?
That's what that would be doing.
But wait a second.
The Klan is traditionally a Christian organization.
They say that themselves.
Aren't these bad, like by not being home with their families on Easter, aren't they being bad Christians?
Also, maybe hating other people.
There's also that.
Sure, Jimmy, stick me to that one.
Jimmy, when I was a kid, I used to go to, I was a Catholic, and I would go to Mass on Sunday, on Easter Sunday, which was a high mass, which I don't know if you're not Catholic, but a high mass is like a director's cut mass.
Yes.
Complete uncut version of Mass.
And I don't know.
Right now, if I had a choice between going to that again and the Klan rally, I'm not sure.
They would never allow a black person to be Grand Wizard, but R. Kelly was once named the Grand Wizard.
Very nice.
All right.
You know what the Imperial Wizard puts on his muffins?
What?
Imperial Wizard Marjorie.
Okay, go ahead.
Boop, boop, boop, boop.
Butter, right?
And the hood comes on his head.
Yes.
So if you guys were worried that Glenn Beck was going to go away.
It's not nice.
It's not nice to fool with motherfucking nature.
If you were afraid Glenn Beck was going to go away, he hasn't.
He's picked up a gig.
Now his show, his network, the Blaze Television Network, is now being carried by the Dish Network.
So that's which is nice.
And then we get to hear things like this.
Here's what...
Barack Obama has been elected twice by a majority of the people, huge majorities both times.
Pretty big margins, I would say, he got elected by.
And the stock market is going through the roof.
And I don't know.
The country hasn't dissolved yet, right?
So here's what Glenn Beck says, though.
It's coming.
This guy is trying to set us into civil war.
He really is.
He really is.
You know what?
I thought he was kidding, but then he said, really?
He's talking about Obama, by the way.
He's saying, Obama is trying to put us into a civil war.
Just by his mere existence.
He really.
That gives back.
He really is.
He really is.
This guy is trying to set us into civil war.
He really is.
I believe the president is trying to pick a fight.
To be fair, you also believe that magic underpants will save you.
Yeah, yes.
And yes, Obama thrives on conflict because it worked so well for him the last four years.
It's a triumph.
You know what?
The original Civil War was originally known as the Charm Offensive.
The war of health care aggression.
Here we go.
War.
I see a guy who is releasing the illegal aliens.
And I see a guy who will at some point just open up the prisons.
Good plan.
Because that would work.
Just open them up.
Of course, he doesn't see the president who's deported more illegal aliens during his tenure than any president previously.
But that doesn't go into their meme, Robert.
Their meme is that he's a darkie.
He likes darkies.
He's taken Whitey's money.
He's given it to the Darkies.
He's screwing over Whitey and giving it to Darkies.
And that's what this is.
That's what the illegal aliens, prisoners, that's all darkies.
He's going to let go of the prisoners.
Yes, that's exactly what he's going to do, like Voldemort.
Yes, yes.
He's going to release the illegal aliens because if anybody's going to trigger a civil war in this country, it'll be the guys who spend all day mowing lawns.
They really feel like fighting after that.
Okay.
If he does start a civil war, will it really be more harmful to us than the two wars started?
The two unprovoked wars.
I don't know.
You know, if we get a bunch of more guys roaming the streets with those leaf blowers.
That's going to be loud.
I'm going to take the phone.
You know what I mean?
I might start fighting my neighbor.
I see a guy who is releasing the illegal aliens.
And I see a guy.
They're not even in jail and he's releasing.
They're not even working.
They're just doing things.
He's going to release them.
If any state goes into rebellion, he would just say, you know what?
Open up the prisons.
And he would open up the federal prisons.
He's just going to say, because that's how it works.
The president says something, and it's true.
The president says, let everybody, the guy can't even get the public option pass.
How many times have I made this joke on this show?
He couldn't even get the public option passed, you guys.
Are you kidding me?
He can't even close Guantanamo.
And these guys, he's going to start a race war.
He's going to take your guns.
He's going to release the prisoners.
I didn't even follow the logic that he said.
If a state goes into open rebellion, he's going to release the prisoners.
How are those things?
Robert, I think it was cute that you were trying to follow the law.
That's what I was saying.
Don't be shy.
We may disagree with certain political points, but we just have to understand that to these people, there's nothing scarier than an affable, middle-of-the-road black guy.
Very nice, Frank.
Okay, I don't know how that segment made it in the Oh My God segment, but it did.
So now you remember here, it's getting to more of an oh my God segment.
Here is Pat Robertson.
Now, you remember last, I think two weeks ago, I played him saying this about a million dollars.
God is going to supply a million dollars.
Somebody is praying right now, right this second.
You had to be praying for a million dollars, and God said, I have heard your prayer.
I know your need, and I'm going to supply the need that you've requested.
And it's done in Jesus' name.
In Jesus' name, a million dollars.
Well, guess what?
Guess what, you guys?
On this program the other day, the Lord gave me a word of knowledge that somebody was getting a million dollars.
I did.
I talked to a businessman a couple days ago.
He said, you know, you had that word.
Yeah.
He said, I'm just getting a check for $1.1 million from BP unexpectedly.
They just, Steve.
A rich man got more money.
What is wonders to perform?
When does that ever happen?
A rich businessman got a million dollars.
That never happens.
Hey, God, there's a little bit more.
Went down at a particular point of time in the Gulf, and they were paying off everybody that had a dip in income.
He loves it all.
Just give him a check.
And that's how God works.
So God didn't give him a million.
He gave him a million point one because that's standard.
It's like taxes for the guy's representation.
Yeah, yeah.
It's a million plus 10.
Yeah, so this is that nice one week he says God's sending somebody a million dollars and the next week Pat Robertson is here to report that it went to somebody.
Isn't that nice?
And it's because of BP.
If I could just say something that no one is going to understand.
Is Pat Robertson talking about God or John Brestford Timpton?
Oh, the millionaire.
That shows.
The millionaire.
Oh.
Gives away a check for Millenos.
Nice.
Not.
So let's cover this because we're in the oh my God segment.
John Brestford Timpson, ladies and gentlemen.
In the house.
What's great is that, you know, when Pat Robertson wants a million dollars, he just has to exploit gullible people.
But this guy's got it out of the blue.
He has to go in the air for like an hour.
God hate that money.
You know what he did?
Do you know why it's called the 700 Club?
Yes.
I do know.
I don't know why.
Because when he started, he wanted to get $10 a month from 700 people, and that would be all the money he needed.
Well, of course, we've gone a little bit farther than that, haven't we, Robert?
Right.
So that's what it was, right?
But he at one point basically held himself hostage.
He said, if you people don't give me X amount of dollars, we're done.
We're done.
And his faithful, like, I mean, he extorted them.
Yes.
It was almost like a scene from Blazing Saddles.
Oh, it absolutely was.
That's so shocking, Robert.
That's like finding out that Chris Christie wants over eight, 40 years ago, also.
What?
Well, actually, I was just going to point out that Chris Christie is starting a show called the 700 Pound Club.
Look, he's a very large man.
There's a way problem.
Nice to eat.
So it's great that we have this new Pope, right?
The new Pope.
He's from Argentina, right?
Copa Cabana.
I've already made that joke twice now.
And so they say he's a Jesuit, and he picked the name Francis because it's very significant because it shows how concerned he is with the poor.
And he is concerned about the poor.
Not concerned enough to sell all their artwork for the trillions of dollars and give it to the poor, but still super concerned.
He's still super concerned about them.
And I don't know.
I'm a little, there's just a lot of questions he was involved.
You know, in Argentina, the bishops were accused of looking the other way when the government was making people disappear.
And so he's involved in that.
Or also our government was making Argentinians disappear and CIA hits.
I've never heard of anyone in the Catholic Church looking the other way when something awful is.
Right.
So I don't know.
I don't like the guy.
You know what?
I was willing to.
Well, here's what Chris Matthews, he's a great journalist, right?
So here he is.
He's very skeptical of this guy.
Here's what he had to say about it.
Here's what he said.
I really liked him immediately.
That first impression, the guy.
Oh, okay, good.
You liked him right away.
Okay, there you go, Chris.
This is objective.
Yeah.
Little things, the way he was not taking instruction from the people who are choreographing him.
He said, no, give me this now and do this now.
He seemed to be calling the shots right from the get-go.
Maybe that's an overinterpretation, but it's the way I saw it tonight.
Yeah, okay.
Maybe it is.
Maybe it is.
You've got just about nothing to go on.
But I like the guy.
I really do.
I like this guy who's now the CEO of a criminal organization.
I think he's a good guy.
Women love this Pope.
They love a guy.
He's a hero.
With a swagger.
That's what he said about Bush on Mission Accomplished.
Yes.
No, I like how.
He's down to earth.
He's going to make a movie to relate to the average people called Francis the Talking Pope.
He's a Pope of the people.
He's a people.
A Pope.
I thought he was going to do Francis the Talking Drug Mule.
No, he was standing there looking aside when all those priests were making their penis disappear.
Why, Jim.
What?
Jim, why is it that nobody gets a pass about being a bigot towards gays except religious people?
Somehow, it's something like this guy, like Chris Matthews in the Bible.
Chris Matthews in the Bible.
Chris Matthews right away is like, I like this guy.
Oh, everyone's excited.
I like this guy.
You mean you like this guy who's a bigot towards gays?
Chris Matthews is starstruck every time he has some.
Who else in the world?
Somebody powerful.
Who else in the world would you say, I like this guy if he hated blacks or if he hated Mexicans or Jews?
But if he outwardly and publicly is discriminatory towards gays and says they're then it's okay.
It's okay to hate gays if you walk around in a dress and funny hat and have all kinds of crazy pomp and circumstance.
Then it's okay to hate gays.
Well, isn't the point that he's also the pope who's going to be worried about the poor?
Yes.
So if you are a poor gay kid, you're out of luck.
He carries about half of you.
Yes.
Just a half of you.
I like the way that Philip Morris, the Catholic Church, is moving into third world countries after losing a lot of customers in the more developed areas.
They're going to start killing and exploiting people in third world countries.
It's hard to make a convincing case about your concern of the poor when your introduction to the world is on the balcony of your palace.
Come on, you guys.
I don't know if you know this, but today when he was starting his new life, he went and actually paid off his own hotel bill.
Oh, isn't that a good thing?
That's what a real dude he is.
He's down to earth.
I just want to see Tip the Chambermaid.
I just want to mention that.
Here's what I don't get.
He was staying at a youth hostel.
Will you share the bathroom?
Big g.
Here's what I don't.
So what they do is they go, yeah, sure, he hates the gays.
Like people like Chris Matthews, he won't hold his feet to the fire on this.
He'll say he loves this Pope, even though the guy's a gay bigot, which you wouldn't say that about anybody else in any other realm of world of the life.
But the guy who's supposed to be the most loving, the most Christ-like, the most forgiving is actually the opposite of that.
And you're still going to embrace this guy who's not only a hypocrite, but a bigot.
And you're okay with it.
But what they do, Frank, is they give him this Rick Santorum defense.
They go, no, no, no.
He really believes it, which somehow makes ignorance and bigotry, it turns it into a virtue.
If you really believe your ignorance, then somehow you're closer to God.
And also, people like Chris Matthews will say, oh, I like this guy.
You know, someone like the Pope can make all these hateful remarks towards homosexuals, like what he actually said, which is that gay adoption is child abuse.
And he's made all these kinds of crazy statements.
And Chris Matthews, people like Chris Matthews will say, oh, but I like this guy.
And then if Howard Dean screams at his campaign rally, they'll spend months about how crazy he is.
Yeah.
Okay, we're done with the Pope.
Here is...
So I'm watching, I was watching the hardball.
They had on the, who's the plagiarizer from Morning Joe?
What's his name?
Oh, Mike Bonacle.
So here's Bonacle, and here's what he had to say about the Pope.
Let's hear what he has to say about the Pope.
I agree with George.
I think, you know, we don't want to misread or misinterpret or interpret too early his politics, but the fact is that he does stand for social justice.
He is a Jesuit, and we have not heard, and he stands on behalf of victims, victims of all sorts of things, victims of economic injustice, victims of social inequality, victims of racial inequality.
How about victims of rape by a priest?
How about does he stand for them?
As you stand up, let's see if he said anything.
He has, I think, addressed that in part.
I think many American Catholics hoping for a more progressive view of Catholicism are going to be disappointed.
Yeah, I mean, he's still backwards.
They're still ignorant.
They're still bigots.
And we're still upset about it, but he's a man of God.
He is very close to God.
I mean, the first ceremony, a big thing they did, they handed over to him Christ's 11 secret herbs and spices.
I didn't know they did.
Very important thing.
I mean, there's my bar.
mean these guys just bending over backwards doing mental gymnastics to try to make this guy out to be something he isn't which he's not a good guy this guy is a just a Oh, come on.
Can it be great?
Can it be nice for us?
It's really disgusting.
And I know I harp on it.
Well, I grew up Catholic, so that's why I had 12 years of Catholic school, so that's why I'm kind of against it.
You know, I understand, though, what they're talking about.
I mean, the Catholic Church in a lot of cities has a lot of soup kitchens and does do a lot of work with the poor and can be a great force for good.
To me, the most infuriating thing about the Catholic Church is that it could be a greater force for good if it would stay out of people's bodies.
Hey, if they're than if they weren't tax-free.
Because we're paying for that.
You know what?
Isn't it a little convenient that they're so charitable?
Isn't it a little convenient that don't they do something like 50% all charitable work comes from the Catholic Church in the United States or something like that?
Isn't that just blood money?
Haven't enough children been raped so we can keep donating money to the Catholic Church?
I just a power-hungry corporate.
Their main charity is a charitable attitude towards pedophiles.
Well, isn't that the ultimate?
Well, here's what I don't get, right?
So, hey, if I wanted to be able to rape people with impunity, all I have to do is go donate my time at a soup kitchen.
And get attacked.
People will be, hey, Betty Donitz is his time at a soup kitchen.
Yeah, but he raped my sister.
Come on.
Magda Goebbels was a good Catholic.
There you go.
There you go.
And a Protestant.
That's kind of unfair.
It's a big organization.
It's not that black and white.
So listen.
They clearly do a lot of good things.
I get that they do good things, and I get that.
That's my point.
My point is, if you do good things, does that excuse the horrible child torture that you are now doing as an organization?
It's not like random.
This is institutional child rape that is being implemented.
It's being enabled.
And it's being – they're almost guaranteeing it will happen again to people who turn to them for spiritual protection.
The people who should – it's – It is.
It's right with it.
But the Pope.
The Pope.
Hold on.
Steph Steph.
Here's the thing.
It is a monolith.
What do you mean?
That is not true.
There are a lot of people for whom the church is.
Who's their local parish?
Who's their leader?
Just hold on.
Okay?
This is not, that is not true.
There are a lot of people for whom their local parish, their local priest is a good guy who has helped a lot of people.
And that's really unfair to a lot of people who are trying to do good work.
Not unfair at all.
That's not fair at all.
I think the institution is horrific and has done some horrific things, but it is incredibly unfair to paint the entire.
The first chapter of the KKK does a lot of good charity work.
You can't paint them all bad because the whole...
But those are all isolated cases.
You know what, Robert?
They went just recently, the Cloyne report, which we talked about on this show, the Cloyne report, which is from one county in Ireland, Cloyne, the county of Cloyne.
They found that 19 priests were pedophiles, and they didn't investigate any of them in one county.
That wasn't 40 years ago.
That's right now.
So you saying that is giving cover to people who should be screaming at the top of their lungs that the people, what you name me, one priest in one parish who's doing good works who stood up on a Sunday and said the bishop should resign.
Look, I got a person.
Wait a minute, Jim.
Not one priest has done that.
Not one bishop has gone to jail, and they're all still members of that organization, which makes them part of it, Robert.
You're part of a child rape organization, and there's no two ways around that.
I don't care how many people you help.
So if you're a priest, you're saying you should resign.
Yes.
If you think that the institution, and I kind of agree with you, but you shouldn't.
You should stop running your parish.
You should stop working with your community.
You should demand that the people responsible for child rape go to jail.
And you should be okay with them transferring.
And if they don't, and if they don't, then you leave.
And guess what?
That organization.
Yes.
And that's what I'm saying.
Because if you don't leave that organization, you're giving your tacit approval for what's happening.
Every Catholic who stays a Catholic and gives money to...
Do you know how much money?
It was $20 million.
I think it was $20 million is going out the door.
You know what?
It was supposed to be $100 million.
Let me double-check that number.
But it was some huge number going out to pay off, to pay off people who were raped by priests and then protected by bishops.
So that's what that's when you give your money to that church at that good priest church.
He's giving that money to the bishop, and he's giving it to a lawyer who's covering up for a rapist.
And now it's time for another reading from the book, Morning Remembrance, Funny Obituaries of Real Dead People by Jim Earle.
Jeff Raskin, Macintosh computer pioneer.
Oh, yeah.
Too soon.
Jeff Raskin, the software developer behind Apple Computers' pioneering graphical user interface, died this month when he inexplicably froze up after making a series of cute frog noises.
The coroner's examination later revealed his system was full of bugs.
full of bugs, the system buggy system, bugs of the system.
Legend has it that Raskin named the Macintosh computer after his favorite kind of apple.
Other potential names included the Bramley Pippin, Luxton's Cornish Tart, and the poorly received Titerman's mealy yellow varietal.
Poorly received.
Poorly received.
Was not received well in the focus groups.
Did not go with that one.
Titerman's mealy retained varietal.
Raskin's latest project featured a computer interface designed to operate on any operating system, including Windows and Apple.
And for that reason alone, Bill Gates and Steve Jobs had to have him killed.
Raskin requested his body be packed up using his own box and shipped to the Apple recycling center.
Great job.
Very nice.
That was a reading from the book Morning Remembrance by Jim Earl.
Funny obituaries of real dead people available at JimEarl.com.
And we're up against a break.
We'll be right back in one minute.
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But right now, let's get back to the show.
And we're talking about, I think, Rand Paul.
Guess who else is signaling his intentions to be president?
Kentucky Senator Rand Paul.
Or as I like to think of him, I like to think of him as the September page of the hunks of the Tea Party calendar.
And he set up a flare by filibustering the nomination of John Brennan to head the CIA, which I don't know if you guys like that, but I'm more partial to the RuPaul's filibuster.
I thought that was more important.
Less fake hair.
That's what I like about the RuPaul.
I almost got Jim Earl left.
I got him.
He tried to hold it in, Frank, but hey, couldn't help it.
And I say thank God for Rand Paul, right?
Because he doesn't think Americans should be killed by drones.
He thinks they should die in the gutter from health care costs.
But the point is, the point is, to his credit, he did a real talking filibuster to make an actual point.
Now, generally, during a talking filibuster, senators do things like read from the newspaper or the phone book or a cookbook because when they actually say what they think, it ends up sounding like this.
Out of that chaos, Hitler was elected democratically.
They elected him out of this chaos.
The point isn't that anybody in our country is Hitler.
He's going to suspect anybody of being that evil.
I think it's an overplayed and a misused analogy.
But what I am saying is that in a democracy, you could someday elect someone who is very evil.
That's why we don't give the power to the government.
Okay, I don't know if you guys followed that, but what he said is he said you take chaos plus democracy equals Hitler, but we don't have a Hitler in this country.
But if we did, we might elect him.
So there shouldn't be a government.
I don't know what he's trying to say there exactly.
But people don't understand.
We shouldn't have Medicare.
Cut it.
By the way, I wish people would stop doing this.
Hitler was never elected.
What?
He was not elected.
I thought he was elected.
No, he was not elected.
He strong-armed the chancellorship and the assembly or whatever it was called then were forced to vote for him.
But the German public, German public did not vote for him in an election.
Really?
No, they did not.
Wow, I feel dumb now that I don't know that.
Wow.
Just edited out.
Really, he won an electoral college victory.
Even he.
That's pretty much what it was.
Yeah, it was kind of like, it was kind of like an electoral college that was staged by the brown shirts.
Even he didn't steal Florida.
So that was really atrocious.
Well, I'd like to see Rand Paul when he's with a patient.
I'm not saying you have cancer.
I'm not saying that it's present in your body.
I'm just saying that if it is, it'll kill you.
If this is the preview of the next three years, Jeb Bush, Rand Paul, it's going to be a pretty bright future on the Jimmy Dore show.
That's all I'm saying.
*music*
Hey, I want to say thanks to everybody.
Well, you know, we spent last week in Cincinnati last weekend, Thursday through Sunday, doing shows at the Go Bonanza Comedy Clubs right inside John Boehner's district, right?
And we recorded the new CD.
You know, I've had a couple of CDs.
The last one was Citizen Jimmy, chosen best of the year by iTunes and Punchline Magazine.
Yes, that's me bragging.
And the reason I tell you that, because it turns out if I don't, nobody will.
Okay.
And we just recorded the new one in Cincinnati.
And it's always nice to meet the listeners to the show all over the country.
And we got a lot of listeners in Cincinnati.
Who knew?
I did, actually.
So thanks to everybody.
It was a great time.
The new CD will be ready shortly.
Plus, we're having a CD of all of the phone calls that we do with Mike McRae and other people on the show.
So that's all.
A lot of fun CDs coming up out of the Jimmy Dore show soon.
But right now, I got a phone call from the Speaker of the House, Mr. John Boehner, calls.
He left me a message.
Now, I'm not a big fan of John Boehner or his policies, but I'm a fan of his phone calls.
Let's listen.
John Boehner called me.
John Boehner called me.
My name is Boehner, John Boehner, Speaker of the goddamn House of Representatives.
Mr. Danger in the Chamber.
The man Who's third in line?
I remember when I was third in line at a frat party over the days.
We told her it's our word against hers.
Jimmy, what's the deal with your boy Obama?
He keeps insisting on reaching out to us Republicans.
Makes me uncomfortable.
He's offering a plan that'll cover Social Security and Medicare.
I like, which is why I don't like it.
Is this some kind of trap?
Is he just messing with my head?
I don't trust Obama.
Look at that guy.
I just think troublemaker.
I bet that's what they called him at Columbia in Harvard.
Obama's a troublemaker.
By the way, I was skimming Breitbart.com.
Did you know that Obama is gay and Medicare is not a government program?
Boss, get this.
According to an unnamed source, Breitbart is now reporting that famous comedian Rodney Tagerfield was not respected by his fans or his wife.
If it's reported by Breitbart, you know, it's absolutely true.
Or obvious joke, they didn't bother to fact check.
Ah, look, I got a text message.
Obama is asking me to dinner again.
Does he think of some kind of fruitcake?
I was maybe pie, I met by Purchase.
Just because they saw me run to the bathroom to have a good cry doesn't mean that I'm not all mad.
Winter Biden's day.
Winter is now officially over and it is type shaped by Tad of the Can from Citrus Apricot to Tangerine Titan.
You know what you think?
Last summer I tried Southern Strategy.
Too dark.
That's Republican.
FL talked us through their case and told me to park their cars.
Really, Jimmy, all this talk about sequesters and fiscal fisheries doesn't take my bite off like constant constipation.
All we Republicans want is rich people to pay less taxes while we slash $5 trillion out of the budget at the same time enlarging military spending, which sounds perfectly reasonable to be.
Another textual Obama.
That Black Panther radical wants me to come close with him.
I can't that day because I promised to attend a fundraiser with fish face McConnell.
Hear me going.
Okay, that was John Boehner.
Thank you, John.
The Jimmy Dora show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
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We'll be right back.
So Paul Ryan came out with his new budget, and he went on the Sunday Fox News show with Chris Wallace.
And here's what he had to say: I think there are things that we can do that don't offend either party's philosophy, that doesn't require someone to surrender the principles to make a good down payment on getting this debt in deficit under control.
Okay, I don't know if you heard what he said, but he said that he thinks that there are things they can do.
There are things that we can do that don't offend either party's philosophy, that doesn't require someone to surrender the principles to make a good down payment on getting this debt in deficit under control.
Okay, so you don't have to so we can all find common ground is what he's trying to say.
And I think the Republicans are more than willing to meet the Democrats halfway and only offend the Democrats' principles.
I think that's what his idea is, right?
I'll meet you halfway.
So really, what are some of the things that you can do that wouldn't require anybody to get rid of their principles?
Are you saying that as part of your budget, you would repeal, you assume the repeal of Obamacare?
Yes.
Okay.
So I've not offended anybody else.
No, let me explain.
Repealing Obamacare would in no way offend my philosophy.
Yeah.
See, just repeal Obamacare.
Go ahead, Frank.
Willingness to compromise is just amazing.
Now, Barack Obama has won two elections.
So you just go ahead and you repeal his signature piece of legislation.
That's all.
No surrendering of principles, just the principle of affordable health care for all that Obama ran on twice and kicked your ass on twice.
You know, the plan that he just beat you on.
That thing?
Yeah, that's the plan.
And that was even a little bit too much for Chris Wall.
Here's what Chris Wallace has to say.
As part of your budget, you would repeal, you assume the repeal of Obamacare?
Yes.
Well, that's not going to happen.
Okay.
Even Chris Wallace, like, reality check.
Yeah, I don't know if you know, you're being kind of an asshole right now.
I don't know if you know that.
And here's Paul Ryan's response.
Well, we believe it should.
That's the point.
This is what budgeting is all about, Chris.
Yeah, this is what budgeting is all about.
It's about ignoring the results of the last two presidential elections and pretending that the losers of elections get a bigger say in policy than the winners do.
That's what it's all about, Chris.
That and screwing old people in favor of millionaires and my corporate donors.
Hey, he's got a little bit more to say.
About making tough choices to fix our country's problems.
We believe that Obamacare is a program that will not work.
You know, it takes a special kind of political courage to take away people's health care after they already voted against you personally.
It was him we really didn't like.
On the bright side, this feudal, mean-spirited ploy puts major points up on the total douchebag scoreboard for Paul Ryan.
So he's leading amongst those Republicans now in the douchebag competition.
I like how he says we believe that Obamacare is a program that will not work.
And the only way to prove that is to kill it before it ever gets implemented.
I can prove it won't work.
All the health care dollars in the world are never going to remove my head from my ass.
Can't be done.
Well, if there's nobody's getting any health care, I have to agree that if people are getting sick and there's no health care available to them and they can't afford it, and so the government doesn't have to take care of them, then that is going to save a lot of money.
That's going to save a lot of money.
But, Frank, that's what competition is.
That's what compromise means, Frank, repealing Obama's signature achievement since they can't impeach him.
I know, and the thing is, is Obama is such a guy who really wants to make deals and wants to come to a middle ground.
Why don't the Republicans just allow Obama to cave?
Exactly.
Why won't they allow him to cut?
Well, we're going to get to that in a second.
But here, Paul Ryan had a little bit more to say.
He gave a press conference the other day where he's talking about the same.
The most important question isn't how we balance the budget, but why.
A budget is a means to an end.
An end is the well-being of the American people.
And that well-being must come to an end.
The end.
What a better way to ensure the well-being of American people than by eliminating their health care.
Way to go.
Thumbs up.
But listen, even Paul Ryan is right every once in a while, accidentally.
Listen very closely, and you see him really touch on a truth here, okay?
This, to us, is something that we're not going to give up on because we're not going to give up on destroying the health care system for the American people.
Okay.
I don't know if you did you catch that, Brick.
He's not going to give up on destroying the health care.
Yes, wait.
Yes.
Wait a minute.
I meant we really truly hate Medicare.
No, what I'm saying is old people suck.
Wait, pardon me.
Welfare cheats can kiss my ass.
Wait a minute.
Strike that.
What am I saying?
47% are taken.
I don't know what I'm doing.
Yes.
Every American can do their part to help our nation.
If you see an old person in a wheelchair, push them down a flight of stairs.
So continuing on with our Medicare discussion, I think it was the last show that we did, we brought on Stephen Brill, who wrote the article about what's making our healthcare so expensive in America.
It was the cover story on Time magazine.
And he was on ABC's this week with George Snuffalopagus, and he made the point that what's really costing us money is that Medicare is not allowed to negotiate for drug prices like Medicaid.
And if they were able to do that, they could save $160 billion over 10 years.
He also made the point that actually if we lowered the Medicare age to 60, that it would save everybody money because Medicare is more efficient than the rest of the healthcare systems.
And so everyone knows this now.
So I just want you to know George Will knows this.
George Snuffalopagus knows this.
Everybody on this panel knows this because they were there.
Okay, so but and guess what George Will's first question is for Debbie Wasserman Schultz is it conceivable that your caucus would consider with any concessions from the Republicans raising the age of eligibility for Medicare.
Raising the age.
Hey, no matter how many times it's been proven that raising the age for Medicare is bad, George Will is going to keep pushing it because all his other ideas are just as shitty.
That's his best one.
That's his best one.
Is there anything you're going to do?
Is there anything we could do to make you have a bad idea?
Is there anything we can do to get you guys to implement a horrible policy that doesn't save any money, hurts the economy, and punishes the elderly?
The only thing worse than that question from George Will is Debbie Wasserman Schultz's answer.
That question, is there anything you guys will do to raise the Democrats will do to raise the Medicare age?
That is like the equivalent of a hanging curveball over the middle of the plate.
And here's Debbie Wasserman Schultz's answer.
She crushes it.
Ready?
Here's what she says.
Look, the only way we've made any progress in careening from crisis to crisis in the last several years is because of Democratic votes in the House of Representatives.
The Republicans have been able to get absolutely nothing done with their majority.
So remember, the question is, is there anything Republicans can do that will make you raise the Medicare age?
And this is her answer.
I don't know what.
I don't even know what she's talking...
If she talked about the...
Yes.
He would raise the age.
You know, she can't say what Stephen Brill said last week because unfortunately, that's not the Democrats' policy.
That is not the Democrats' position.
Obama's policy is that, yeah, well, look, yeah, we're open to this.
So we're left with two parties, one party that wants to end Medicare and one party that just wants to screw it up.
Right.
That's really what we're left with.
And that's why Debbie Wasserman Schultz can't say no, you idiots.
Lowering Medicare is the smart thing to do because she can say that because they're in bed with the corporations too.
And Barack Obama isn't for lowering the Medicare age.
He's for screwing it up.
He's for screwing up Medicare.
She could have just said no, but that might have looked like she had guts.
Well, she has, she's very, you know, she's a party leader, and she's very much, whenever she goes on a show, she has to deliver the party line.
And it's very discouraging because you know that what she says is very much approved by the Obama administration.
I mean, is that not amazing to anybody else that she was asked that question?
Is there anything you will do to raise the Medicare retirement age?
And she doesn't have a slam-dunk answer to come back to that.
She starts to just talk about, I don't even know what she's, I don't even know what she's talking about.
In her and the Republicans' defense, the average American is living five years longer.
I'm sorry, I mean their owners are.
That's true, right?
So white-collar people are living longer, but blue-collar people aren't going to be long.
They're dying.
Yes.
They're getting diseased.
Yeah, they're dying.
Bricklayers and truck drivers and construction workers.
They're not living longer.
No, they're having a hard time.
They're getting chronic diseases.
Yes.
And so here's the Republican, the guy who beat out, who was the Wisconsin senator who lost feingold?
Feingold.
So here's the guy who beat Russ Feingold.
He's going to be real reasonable.
Here's what he's out.
He starts off.
You've got to spend a fair amount of time figuring out what we agree on first.
So many times we're talking about different numbers and we have to first agree on the facts, the figures.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's agree on the facts and figures.
And then he's going to put them through his Republican talking points, Meat Grinder, so they'll come out exactly the same.
Okay, for instance, so let's look.
What's one of those facts that we have to agree on, Mr. Republican Senator?
Unless we do something, these programs are going broke.
It drives me nuts.
When I hear people say that Social Security is solvent to the year 2035, it's not.
In the next 20 years, it'll be $5.1 trillion.
Okay.
More inventory than they're bringing.
Let me know what the version of George Will's.
Wow.
There you go.
So that's the fact he wants you to, he just lies, says something wrong.
So people who say Social Security is solvent are basing their conclusions on facts, which are only standing in the way of Republicans getting rid of it.
So that's so basically, there you go.
There's a guy who says we have to agree on the facts and then immediately says an unfact about Social Security.
And does George Snuffalopigis stop?
Did you hear out the end that he goes, hey, wait a minute, you're completely wrong about that.
Listen to how George Snafalopikis ends it.
They're bringing a version of George Will's question.
Oh, wait, let me put a version of George Will's question to someone else.
He didn't stop that guy and say that's completely wrong.
That is the weirdest thing about watching these Sunday morning programs.
It's like you have a show, someone just said something that's demonstrably false about the issue you're talking about, and you don't correct it.
You just let it go.
Like it's not his job to do that.
Well, listen, Jimmy, Sunday is a day of rest.
That's especially the case for people who host Sunday news.
Yes.
We all get to watch them every week having a nice, relaxing time, not really putting much effort, not really thinking that much.
It's an opportunity to watch pundits just have a nice day off.
Okay, I got a series of phone messages from drunk Bill O'Reilly, and here they are.
Jiminy Dore.
You there?
Answer the phone, you unchased whore of gong.
We have a new poem.
Pray to he the goat goggle, you Kale Munching recovery hippie.
Scuttling between the folds of Satan's soiled sheets and face the dreaded touch of truth.
You fucked your last morsel of sin from the spicy hot wings of damn nation, and soon you'll be suffering the burning acid reflux of Christ's holy bowels.
Oh, God, I shouldn't have said bowels.
All right, that was uh wow, huh?
So he's called back again, drunk Bill O'Reilly.
Hear me, Dore.
Heed my beseechments, thy painted harlot of Harnahab.
Possibly the most demonic of all locations.
Pretentious next level.
We have a new Pope.
Your mind has become the nest of unclean squirrels.
And Jesus wants his nuts back.
Seriously, anyone out there?
That was Bill O'Reilly.
Wow.
I don't even know what he's doing.
He starts mentioning all these locations in Ireland.
I don't even know what he's talking about.
All right, here we go.
Here's another call.
He called back again.
Eat my heatings, thy toad-eating son of Thubel.
You said he's self-war.
I don't even know who that is, Foobel.
Some ancient biblical character.
Okay, here we go.
He's got more about the Pope.
He's deep.
Okay, here, let's start it again.
Let's see what he says.
Heed my heatings, thy toad-eating son of Thubel.
You said he's self-warned, thou who mocketh God by seeking succor at the withered mantets of Hezael in the hidden valleys of Hornahab, Gehenna, and the Neverland Ranch.
You've made your heart the cage of unclean birds.
And soon Polly won't just want a cracker, he wants a soul and a cracker.
And they'll just keep repeating the phrase, pretty boy crack.
Pretty boy crack over and over again with a stupid sunflower seed, his beak.
Note to self.
Jesus doesn't care about 15 varieties of corn chips.
He just wants one that won't fall apart in the friggin' clam dip.
If Christ wanted sea salt and love and his mango salsa, he would have married Dom Deloise.
What's he talking about?
I don't, Jim.
I don't know.
I have no idea what the hell he's talking about.
Salsa and mangroves to race.
I've never heard Bill O'Reilly make more sense ever.
Ever.
He called in for a fourth time, Frank.
What?
Yeah.
Oh, really?
Or your eyes have become the soiled looking glass through which we peer into the garish boudoir of Paul Abdul and her sagging fruits.
Satan has usurped your domain, and your souls become the raiments of perspiring squirrels.
But that is God's punishment for coveting thy neighbor's vestments.
As we all know, everybody loves raiments.
Yeah, industry joke there.
Everybody loves Raymond.
What is he talking about?
That's an industry joke.
It's an inside joke for an industry joke.
Yeah, yeah.
Here, he's getting called.
He called a fifth time, Frank.
I'm not kidding.
Where the fuck are you?
Where the fuck are you?
The time it takes for you to answer the phone, Tuesday could have appeared with a flying scroll, constructed a basket from lotus leaves called Seller Jar, wife of Potafar, the daughter of Mayor Shalal Hashbaz.
All the way to the land of Shinohar and back.
That's easily 20 leagues.
No spend there, people.
We got a new pulp at the horn.
Everything's going to be fine now.
Listen to this.
All you have to do is remember when you find yourself in danger, when you're threatened by a stranger, well, it looks like you will take a lick and just call all super chicken.
Jesus finds no levity at the strip of L and Dancer.
Wow.
Wow.
I thought it was mine.
Wow.
How is it that I'm not the one who made the call for super chicken rest?
I don't know.
Here we go.
Here's Bill.
He's called back one last time drunk.
I know he was drunk.
Or soon you'll be in hell fishing Susan B. Anthony dollars out of Satan's colon while I'll be sitting at the throne of Christ in his life, Coach Tyler.
And if you're not doing anything this Saturday, I'm signing copies.
If he's just not that into you at the Barnes Noble, it's a bro.
I'm out of here.
Okay.
Okay, that was drunk Bill O'Reilly.
He was going to be at the Grove signing copy of that book.
Of that book.
He didn't even write that book.
No, he didn't.
He's nuts.
He's so drunk he forgot which book he wrote.
Yeah.
Yeah.
*music*
Hey, that's our show.
All the voices today were performed by the inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at michaelmcray.com.
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That's right.
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All right, that's right.
And you heard everything.
So I'll see you back here next week.
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Okay, so that's it for this week.
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