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Jan. 11, 2013 - Jimmy Dore Show
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The Jimmy Dore show starts right now.
Many of you may not realize it, but there's going to be an election in Los Angeles on March 5th to choose the next mayor.
I know.
Who wants to think about another election?
We're tired.
We just got through Christmas.
People generally don't pay much attention to politics in Los Angeles because it distracts them from auditioning.
Local politics always seems to be about freeways and mass transit construction and $600 million bonds that take 30 years to pay back.
And I just can't think that far ahead.
But I do know Los Angeles faces a severe budget shortfall because all cities everywhere face a severe budget shortfall and will continue to do so until the earth is hit by an asteroid.
Like Garcetti, candidate Jill Perry is a city council member and if elected would be LA's second African-American mayor, but its first Jewish one.
Though some may feel that's just too diverse.
The fourth major candidate, Kevin James, is a conservative talk radio host, so he has no chance.
Of course, there's no way to know how good a mayor any of these candidates would be until one of them takes office, and then it'll be too late.
I'll probably end up voting for whoever the LA Times endorses, unless it's Kevin James.
But it's important that you vote, just in case I don't, because I feel bad for the poll workers sitting in a school gym for 15 hours waiting for somebody to show up.
Come on, I'm sure 200 or 300 of you wouldn't mind choosing the next mayor.
As Tip O'Neill said, all politics is local, which makes me just another lazy guy repeating that cliche.
Thank you.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for.
Up-minded, lowly-lovered laties.
The kind of people that are.
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper say.
It's Roger Farmer, T.W. And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dome.
Everybody, welcome to this week's episode.
I'm joined in the studio across the glass from me, former writer for The Daily Show, hilarious comedian.
Nice rant.
It's Steve Rosenfield.
Thank you, Jimmy, and it's nice to be here.
Good to have you.
Next to him, hilarious comedian from Team Yasamura, who tore it up at the improv last Saturday.
It's Robert Yasamura.
Hey, Robert.
Hey, thanks for.
Yeah, there you go.
Yes, across from him, it's a Peabody Award-winning writer, the author of Morning Remembrance.
It's Ham Radio's Jim Earl.
Hey, Jim.
Happy New Year, Jimmy.
Oh, happy new year to you, Jimmy.
And you all and you and yours and everybody.
Yes, and all of your things.
Yeah.
Next to him, it's the host of Comedy and Everything Else.
It's Steph Zambrano.
Hey, that's not your last name.
Jimmy, it's good to be here.
I'm the Sandra Singh Lopez of Pacific.
Our resident Latina, Sandra Singh Lopez.
Okay.
It's a pretty dubious honor.
Yes.
Right now, let's do some jokes before we get to the jokes.
You know, Michelle Bachman is, she got appointed to the House Intelligence Committee.
What?
Yes.
That's a misnomer.
In other news, Stephen Hawking is joining the Olympic track and field team.
Stephen Hawking.
Can't walk.
Can't walk.
You know, Chuck Hagel has been nominated.
The president nominated the Republican, ex-Republican Senator Chuck Hagel, and Vietnam veteran to be the next Secretary of Defense.
And the GOP may block Hagel's nomination if rumors are true that he was chosen by a black man.
You know, everybody's talking about violence and, you know, if movie violence leads to real-life violence, then does Fox News stupidity lead to real-life stupidity?
Hey, let's talk about the log cabin Republicans.
Are the Republicans and Republicans really gay, or do they just think that screwing themselves over is a homosexual activity?
You know, Hollywood's number one hit, the number one hit, Texas Chainsaw 3D.
And in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre film, you know, I can handle the chainsaw part.
I can handle the massacre part.
It's the Texas part.
And, you know, the people who listen to us in Texas, that doesn't include you.
Charles Krautheimer, he called the Sandy, the Hurricane Sandy relief, a rape of the treasury.
What?
I guess that makes the Iraq and Afghan wars a gang bang of our economy.
Hey, there was a 7.5 earthquake struck off the coast of Alaska.
Did you hear about this?
Yeah.
And GOP lawmakers are already scrambling to not provide any relief.
Yeah, and the Republicans, you know, they killed the Violence Against Women Act.
Yep, the Violence Against Women Act.
They couldn't get around it.
They released a statement that explaining they killed it because we fucking hate women.
They didn't just kill it.
threw it down the stairs.
Well, the violence Yeah.
Good job.
Okay, what's coming up on today's show?
We're going to look in a little bit to the nomination of Chuck Hagel and who's against it.
And we're going to revisit our favorite old right-wing BS Kennard that Medicare and Social Security have to be cut because we're just out of, we're going to talk about that.
And the Democrats who are now parroting right-wing talking points, we're going to talk about them.
Ed Randell's one of them.
Chris Hayes, you know, from MSNBC, he's smart and he reads a lot, also writes a lot.
And he's going to tell us some good news about Medicare that I didn't know.
That's coming up on today.
Plus, we're going to take a look at the Piers Morgan Alex Jones getting it on over gun control.
That's coming up.
Plus phone calls from John Boehner, Chris Christie, and a lot lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
You know, if you were worried that people who are gun-owners and ardent defenders of the Second Amendment are crazy maniacs, it all put your fears to rest this week when Piers Morgan had Alex Jones on his show.
If you don't know who Alex Jones is, right?
So he's the one who started the petition to get Alex to get Piers Morgan kicked out of the country because of his, he did an interview with Wayne Lapierre, is that his name from the NRA?
And he was really brutal with him and called him an idiot, all that stuff.
And so the right-wingers, Alex Jones, one of them, they started a petition at the White House website, which I didn't know you could do this.
And over 100,000 people have signed to get him deported, right?
But what they don't know is that England, the people in England have started their own petition to keep Piers Morgan out.
So it's going to be pretty tough.
So let's just listen to some of it, shall we?
Now, I'm sure everybody who listens to this show has heard some of this already, so here we go.
That we have all of these foreigners and the Russian government, the official Chinese government.
Mao said political power goes out of the barrel of a gun and He killed about 80 million people because he's the only guy that had the guns.
So we did it to point out that this is globalism and the mega banks that control the planet and brag that they've taken over in Bloomberg, A.P. Reuters, you name it, brag that they're going to get our guns as well.
They've taken everybody's guns but the Swiss and the American people.
And when they get our guns, they can have their world tyranny.
While the government buys 1.6 billion bullets, armored vehicles, tanks, helicopters, predator drones, armed, now in U.S. skies, being used to arrest people in North Dakota.
The Second Amendment isn't there for duck hunting.
It's there to protect us from tyrannical government and street thugs.
Take the women.
Okay, so okay, so there's some paranoia in there, but overall.
Some?
It's like a pudding of insane ideas.
What are you talking about?
Some.
Hey, calm down.
He's a good man.
It's not the craziest idea to think that you need guns to protect yourself from the government.
Yes, it is.
It's not the craziest.
I don't think you can.
Well, the chances are the government would win in a conflict.
Yeah, this is crazy.
You'd have your guns and the government would come in with all the tanks.
He starts off.
Here we go.
He's got more.
Women in India.
Your piece earlier on CNN I was watching during Anderson Cooper's show didn't tell you that the women of India have signed giant petitions to get firearms because the police can't and won't protect them.
The answer is...
I have FBI crime statistics that come out a year late, 2011.
20 plus percent crime drop in the last nine years.
Real violent crime because more guns means less crime.
Britain took the guns 15, 16 years ago.
Tripling of your overall violent crime.
True, we have a higher gun violence level, but overall mugging, stabbings, deaths, those men raped that woman.
So he's making the point that they got rid of the guns in England, but they didn't get rid of violent crime.
They just got rid of gun crime, which I think is the point, right?
You want to get rid of gun crime.
Gun crime is worse.
Yeah, the other violent crime doesn't lead to death as often or readily, right?
It's harder to kill someone.
By the way, none of these are causal relationships.
You can't prove any direct causal link between crime rate in England and the gun rate in England.
You can't.
I don't know about that, Robert, because he was shuffling paper.
Oh, that's right.
It's impressive right now.
And there's been a 20% drop in violent crime in America.
You can't tie that to guns.
It's tied to larger police forces.
I'm not sure what it's tied to.
One of the things that they think it's tied to is the abortions of the 70s.
I think what it's not a direct causal link.
I cannot say definitively.
There is a correlation now.
Somebody just did a study, and this is true between the leaded gas and violence.
And they found out that in America, when there was leaded gas in the air, that violence went up.
And then after they got rid of lead in the gas, 20 years later, violence went down, and they attributed to no lead in the gas.
I blame it on F-310.
I don't know what that is.
Platform aid.
Okay, so let's listen to a little bit more what he has to say.
Women in India to death with an iron rod four feet long.
You can't ban the iron rods.
The guns, the iron rods, Pierce didn't do it.
The tyrants did it.
Hitler took the guns.
Stalin took the guns.
Mao took the guns.
Videl Castro took the guns.
Hugo Chavez took the guns.
And I'm here to tell you, 1776 will commence again if you try to take our firearms.
Yeah, it'll be a lot easier this time because we're already a separate country from England.
Shouldn't be too hard to win that one.
Yeah, we'll defend freedom by hiding in the woods and going camping for weeks at a time.
Bunch of guys with guns.
But let's give Alex Jones a little credit.
He hasn't shot anybody yet.
Right?
And by the way, as we all recall, going up against the established government went really well for the Confederacy.
I think he'd be very good at selling that sham wow thing.
He's got the voice.
He has the same voice as Limbaugh.
Yeah.
I think he's just like, oh, gun owners, f you.
You know, that's what I got to say.
Okay.
Second Amendment is a gangrenous vestigial organ that should be cut out before it infects the rest of society and incinerated.
The Second Amendment doesn't give us any gun rights.
It establishes a well-regulated militia.
We already have that.
called the f***ing army.
You know, we don't need to give people...
That's what the Second Amendment was for.
It's got nothing to do with it.
Oh, that is right.
The soldiers in the militia did have a lot of them did buy their own.
Well-regulated militia is an army.
We have state militias.
They're called the National Guard.
Yes.
So if the federal authorities try to supersede states' rights, we do have militias in which people have a right to bear armed.
I really believe that there's something to the idea that we need guns to protect ourselves from the government.
Now that they've passed the NDAA and they can now torture you.
They've already done it, right?
They arrested Jose Padilla.
You can't defend yourself against the government.
They have bazookas and cannons.
Yeah, you can't realistically possibly.
There's no counteraction to the government unless you could have protests in the streets symbolically and you could theoretically overthrow the government in a symbolic bunch of people.
But you can't hide out and fight them like it's a revolutionary war and you're hiding behind a tree.
It was muskets against muskets back then and a sword.
Right, and you could form a popular uprising that could take on the government.
You can't do that anymore.
And nor do you have to.
We do have, I mean, for all of its flaws, we have a functioning democracy and a functioning capitalist democracy.
You can, through boycotts and ballot boxes, and there can be a popular uprising.
The idea that you could create an insurrection against the tyranny of this federal government if they chose to be tyrannical is nonsense.
Hey, this is probably one of the most infuriating clips I've ever seen, aside from girls.
Have you seen Elena Dunham show?
Utterly, I can't sit through it.
No, the other thing I want to say is that this guy is so paranoid that he thinks that any move to regulate guns is part of a vast conspiracy to disarm Americans as part of this global.
So this guy's out of his mind.
So he thinks that any kind of regulation is part of a conspiracy from like a world conspiracy to take over the United States, take over the world.
So the guy's delusional.
He's definitely delusional.
And, you know, hey, Alex, maybe if you yell more like a madman, that'll get people to take you seriously.
Isn't that always work?
Maybe if you scream at the top of your lungs like a raving lunatic, it'll make people feel more comfortable about you owning assault weapons with 90 bullet clips.
Isn't that what they tell you, right?
If you want to go and act like a maniac and you get a gun here, he Has a little bit more to say.
Yeah, answer me this question.
I'm sick of the same old script here, bud.
It's fine.
How many gun murders were there in America last year?
Did you know?
There were about 11,458, and about 74% of those were gang-related, gangbangers shooting each other.
You get three and a half to four thousand.
How many people died from infections in hospitals?
197,000.
That's right.
How many gun murders were there in Britain?
How many great white sharks kill people every year, but they're scared to swim.
Right.
How many gun murders were there in Switzerland?
Because my mother went over those statistics.
It was only a few hundred.
No, no.
How many gun murders?
I actually actually did pull up the statistics.
I like how he says because people get killed in other ways.
You know, there's other ways to get killed than being shot.
So why are we always blaming the guns?
Why don't we pass laws against dying of old age?
Why not?
Answer me that, Pierce.
We're regulating the white sharks.
What is going on?
Where's our white shark legislation?
Okay, here, he's got something more to say.
Let me pull him out right here.
I figured you'd do that.
Gun murders.
Oh, wait.
UK violent crime, capital of Europe, London Telegraph.
Here, I want to give you a simple question.
Well, that's the oldest.
No, no, that's the oldest.
I like how he says that little factoid.
Hey, how many gun violence, how many gun deaths in England?
That's a little flactoid.
Or it could be considered the crux of the argument.
A little factoid.
I like that.
Ah, a little facto.
That thing that blows my argument out of the water, it's a little factoid.
I don't like factoids.
Why do you put Toit at the end?
Because it makes it sound like it's not a fact.
How dare you get me with one of those gotcha questions that's completely on point?
Yeah.
All right, here he goes.
This is all a little fight.
I already said earlier King of Hungary has a lot lower gun crime rate because you took all the guns.
Exactly, but you've got horns.
How dare you speak?
Whose show do you think this is?
Down cities and beating old women's brains out every day.
Those are ridiculous.
They arrest people in England if they defend themselves.
That's on record.
My God, you've got a total police state.
Everybody's fleeing that country because you've had to flee here, bud.
Why don't you tell folks, yeah, you fled here?
Why don't you go back and face the charges for the hacking scandal?
Answer this question.
Yeah, people are fleeing England because it's being burned down by people who are frustrated.
They can't shoot anybody.
All they have is fire.
Why'd you get fired from the Daily Mirror for putting out fake stories?
How?
You're a hatchet man of the New World Order.
You're a hatchet man.
And I'm going to say this right here.
You think you're a tough guy?
Have me back with a boxing ring in here, and I'll wear red, white, and blue, and you can wear your Jolly Roger.
You know what?
You know, I knew that Alex Jones had won the intellectual argument when he challenged Piers to a fist fight and Piers Morgan refused.
Oh, God.
This guy makes Ted Alex Jones makes Ted Nugent look like Noam Chomsky.
That Jolly Roger remark, though, was kind of funny, right?
Knives kill three times more.
Have you seen the FBI numbers?
Knives, bats, rocks, kill, kill, kill many, many times more.
It's not the guns.
It's not the rock.
It's not the knife.
When a mother chops her kids up with a cleaver because she's on serotoneria.
Tell me why I'm wrong.
Why don't you want to get rid of the drug?
You know, because there's other ways to kill people, we have to leave.
We can't do anything about the easiest way to kill people, the way that makes it easy to kill masses amount of people.
We can't do anything about that because there's other ways to kill people.
You know, the big point here is that these other items are not specifically made to kill people.
Right.
That's right.
A knife is used for a million other things.
People go, more people die in car accidents.
And cars are heavily regulated.
Right?
They have all the safety.
They're actually not regulated enough.
You have to have a seatbelt.
You have to have a tire tread.
You have to register.
You have to register.
You have to take a test before they let you drive it.
And nobody has gone to a school and started throwing rocks.
It's never happened.
Stick to the subject.
America's number one cause of unnatural death now is suicide.
Not an automobile accident, not cancer.
You accuse me of attacking the Second Amendment of the Constitution.
I want to get people off pills that the insert says will make you commit suicide and kill people, Alex.
Let's get a motion to the second amount.
I want to blame the real culprit.
Alex.
Suicide pills.
Alex.
Max murder pills.
Okay, let me ask you one question.
Wow.
I got to tell you.
Too bad nobody in the studio had a tranquilizer gun.
So here's the craziest guy.
It's like Animal Planet.
He's down.
It's the craziest guy I've ever seen since Conan O'Brien believed he was getting the tonight show.
And he says the problem is Prozac.
Wow.
Hey, Chris Christie called, said Way Two Actors and Slim Fast is what's screwing everybody up.
You know, when you're trying to point out the dangers of psychoactive medicine, which is not a bad point he's making, by the way, it really isn't that the number one cause of death and that suicide is caused by these.
That's not a bad argument, but it's always best to act like a psycho yourself, right?
When you're making that art, act like a psycho yourself when you're making that argument because it lets people know that you're not just talking out of your ass.
You have first-hand experience with psychotic, being a psychotic.
By the way, when you have a lot of people having psychotic episodes, it's always a real good idea to make it easier for them to get guns.
Yes.
Yeah, that's the hope.
Okay, so he goes on.
Let me ask you one question.
Your belief, and this I'm wrong.
First time anybody's ever heard this, by the way.
Your belief, and that's something he's really laying it on us.
Is that under the Second Amendment, your real concern is that you will be overrun by a tyrannical regime, either from somewhere else, highly checkpoints.
Look at Mexico.
Total gun ban for the citizens, highest crime rate in the world, 57,000 people dead the last five years.
Total gun ban for the citizens.
But you, you'll Switzerland has the lowest crime rate in Europe.
Alex, your country has the highest.
Alex, we have 35 gun murders a year, 11,000.
People got their brains.
It's the higher crime rate.
Let me ask you.
Violent crime is higher.
On this specific brain.
People, I'm trying to get inside your brains.
If you punch me right now, it'd be not your fist, but your brain that makes it.
Yeah, if you punched me right now, it wouldn't be your fist.
It'd be your brain.
I don't know.
I've been hit with a few brains.
It doesn't hurt so bad.
So it's kind of smushy soft.
Yeah, it's like gray matter.
It's not bad at all.
Hey, if I get hit in the brain and it hurts, I'll let you know.
The good people.
So here's when he really goes out of his mind and he starts to try to mock Piers Morgan.
I can speak in this accent as well.
Hitler firebombed his own hashtag pierce to bring in martial law in Germany, April 27th, 1933.
Governments have staged terror attacks throughout history or allowed turtles to attack as a pretext to invade a gun.
The guy's a fruitcake.
No, it's a fruitcake.
If you need, I mean, now, yeah, it's just, he's just a mental case.
Yeah.
It's Terry Thomas.
I don't know who that is, but from Mad Mad, Mad, Mad World.
Oh, okay.
Character actor with a gap in his teeth.
He was just, in case you had any doubt left in your mind if this guy was a complete a-hole, we just fixed it.
So he goes back to his, did you know, did you see this part?
He goes back to his hotel after that interview, and he says this.
I'm lying, what do you think's going on here?
I think we're being cased, definitely.
I think we're Being cased, definitely.
We're being cased.
And the way this will work is: oh, see, they're here protesting, you know, gun grabs.
Oh, some crack dealers shot them.
And if you don't know that Bloomberg's total mafia, you're not living on planet Earth.
So he's in New York City.
He's saying that they're going to kill him.
The government Bloomberg, Mike Bloomberg, the mayor of New York.
He's mafia.
He's mafia.
Are they going to kill him with a gun?
I, oh, wouldn't that be ironic if they killed him with a gun?
Here, let's see what else he has to say.
I thought he was for guns.
That's what I thought.
And these people clearly work for Bloomberg.
These are clearly police.
And there's some other stuff that went on.
Truth is stranger than fiction.
I'll just leave it at that.
I've never, but I can remember, put out a video when I'm in foreign countries being followed by people in black SUVs and being arrested.
I mean, you've seen it all.
I've never said we're in danger.
My dad called me tonight and said, I want you to be real careful after that interview.
Rob's older son, you know, he's third and ten, never says, Daddy, please don't go on this trip.
My wife has never been this concerned.
And I'm like, come on.
Wow, so these are these are all very to be fair.
She's your wife.
She was dumb enough and insane enough to be with you.
I don't know.
Wasn't she just worried that he was going to make a fool of himself?
Please, don't go.
Please don't.
Too late.
Please don't go.
My dad called.
That's how you know it's serious.
My dad called me.
My dad has never called me because what is he, George C. Scott?
Head in a pile of goo.
I'm being paranoid.
Let me tell you, we got undercover cops all over us who look like they're from goodfellas.
Rob, yeah.
It's very spooky.
I'm, yeah, you know, and everybody said you better watch it.
You're going to Bloombergstown.
You know, this big insider bangster type guy.
He's just pissed off because he couldn't get tickets to book a Mormon and all the scalped ones that are too expensive.
And all the cab drivers are Al-Qaeda.
They're all Al-Qaeda.
Yeah, that's right.
So just if something happens to us, we're killed by crackheads.
It was the NYPD or Mafia the heart.
Period.
Or maybe it's just this city runs white slaves, that sex slaves out of here all day.
This city narcotics, you name it.
This is Mafia Central.
And I came here and told the mafia.
And sure, I didn't do a perfect job at it the best I could.
I came here.
I told the mafia, you can go to hell.
So Alex Jones reporting from the front lines, the five of this republic.
Yes, yes.
So what he's saying is that since he's a public figure and he's screaming about protecting gun rights, that the government's going to kick the government will kill him.
The government that's in the pocket of the gun lobby is going to try and kill him.
Just makes sense, you guys.
It just makes sense.
Reporting from the front lines of fighting for maniacs rights to own military weapons.
This is Alex Jones.
This has been, oh my God.
Oh my God.
Hello, Governor Christie.
I hope you had a happy new year, buddy.
Whatever.
I've seen you that in the news a lot lately, but first off, how did you enjoy the holidays?
Good.
I ate, you know.
Oh, really?
But what'd you eat?
Turkey.
Turkey with mashed potatoes.
Governor, governor.
Onion rings.
Okay, Governor.
Governor, Governor.
A cherry pie.
A pumpkin pie.
A magpie.
Governor Christie, let's talk about the game.
It sounds like you had an extravagant Christmas dinner.
That was breakfast.
Okay, listen.
Let's talk about what's been happening with Congress and Hurricane Sandy relief and the rift it's created inside the Republican leadership.
Can we?
Best of case for Sandy.
Why does Notel Caba paid for protection?
Well, your plea for federal funds for New Jersey is interesting in light of what you said about teachers.
Teachers just want handballs from the government.
They got to take personal responsibility for themselves.
And the things you said about people's pensions and welfare.
I don't want welfare.
I want money.
Well, don't you now understand that this is why government is important and why when natural disasters like Hurricane Sandy happen, we need big government.
I want my Obama phone.
I'm just playing with you.
I got a huge crowd of cleanup contractors just waiting for the chase.
The besettes, the scaleeezis, the raspies.
These are people you keep your promises to.
It's just interesting to me what happens to Republicans when ideology butts up against reality.
What did you say about my bud?
Nothing.
Nothing.
Those Republican fungulas from Louisiana voted against me getting my vig.
You believe it?
Let me tell you one thing, Jimmy Doe.
You'll never go against the family.
Well, Congress eventually did pass the $9.7 billion for the relief effort.
I said a message that Congress either coughs up a man asleeps with the fishies.
Like everybody else in New Jersey is doing since the harbour can.
You know, I'm very happy that the victims of Hurricane Sandy are getting the financial aid.
So was the DiCapocante family.
Look, I have a crumb on my shirt for months.
Ow!
Wow, that was a big crumb.
Governor Christie, what was that crumb?
I'm like a lamb.
Listen, I appreciate you taking time.
Hey, Jimmy, wait a minute.
There's a bottle of gravy slashing around in my left cheek.
The upper cheek or lower cheek.
Yeah, real funny wise ass.
Hey, all this eating has made me hungry.
Thanks for taking time with us today, Governor.
Hey, get the helicopter ready.
I'm going to the olive garden for a snack.
I'm fat.
If you missed any part of today's show, you can always get a podcast of the Jimmy Doer show for free at iTunes or at my website, JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And you spell my last name, D-O-R-E.
Right now, we're up against a break.
We'll be back in one minute.
Hey, hello, podcast listeners, and thanks to everybody who made it out last Saturday to the big show at the improv.
It was a great time.
That was a fun, super fun show.
Bill Burr stopped by.
Wasn't that fun?
Mario Maranzio Vance stopped by too.
What a great show.
Thanks, everybody, who made it out.
Everybody was hilarious.
Everybody laughed when they were supposed to.
It was a good time.
And now is the time of the show when I let you know that the Jimmy Door show is made possible by the generous donations of our listeners.
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Okay, so thanks for your support.
Thanks for coming out to the improv.
And everybody up in the Seattle area, we're going to see at Laughs in Kirkland at the 24th through the 26th of January.
Okay, let's get back to the show.
Welcome back to the Jimmy Doors show.
I'm joined in studio by former writer for The Daily Show, Steve Rosenfield, hilarious comedian Robert Yassermura, former writer for The Daily Show and author of Morning Remembrance.
It's Jim Earle, the host of Comedy and Everything Else.
It's our resident Latina, Steph Zamorano.
And right now, we're just going to show, but right now, it's time for a reading from the book Morning Remembrance.
It's a book of fake obituaries of real dead people by Jim Earle.
Hugh Hauser.
Oh, he went avocado picking with a dog.
Heelhauser, the iconically jovial star of public television's California's Gold, is now ironically under six feet of California's dirt.
When he first learned he had cancer, the folksy travel guide reportedly shoved the microphone in his doctor's face and asked him how much the MRI machine weighed.
Witnesses who found his body were heard to exclaim, oh my gosh.
And holy cow.
Doctors refuse to reveal any more details about his death other than to say he probably won't be getting amazed by anything anymore.
Friends say Hauser probably could have survived longer had he not taken so much time out from chemotherapy to do a month-long series on lint.
That was a big mistake.
Family members can console themselves with the thought that Hauser and his microphone are now up in heaven interviewing.
Ah, who am I, fooling?
He's lost forever in a dark void of nothingness we're all doomed to inhabit once our bodies succumb to the inevitable ravages of mortality.
He went avocado picking with a dog.
Hauser requested a portion of his ashes be dumped into the great system of California aqueducts so his remains can trace the route the raw water follows through the huge pipes, tunnels, canals, and pumping plants, and along the way meet the men and women who are carrying on the proud tradition of bringing water to Southern California.
And that was a reading from Morning Remembrance, a book of funny fake obituaries of real dead people by Jim Earl.
Morning Remembrance Baiter.
Baiter.
Who's that guy?
It's a speaker of the house, John Bader.
He's baiters.
That's a little song I wrote while walking neuter on the halls of Congress.
You like that?
The best part is the baiter.
Yeah, it sounds like a foghorn.
But you know what it is?
It's a siren call for pussy, my friend.
Baiters.
Yeah, try to resist, ladies.
It just makes it sweeter.
Baiter.
Hell, what was that sound just now?
Well, that's right.
It was the sound of Nancy Pelosi's panius dropping.
Hey, Jimmy, I'll call you back.
So lube up your asshole, you fucking false smoker and be ready for your next injection of baby.
Beep.
I'm watching Meet the Press.
Now, this is going to be a segment.
We're going to talk about, you know, the canard that Medicare and Social Security, by the way, not driving the debt right now.
These things are paid for by workers' payroll taxes.
Am I correct on this?
Yeah, you're correct.
Absolutely.
I'm correct on this.
30 more years or so.
And here, so Social Security is solvent until 2033.
There's not a problem with it.
Doesn't cost, has never added a penny to the debt.
And here's what Chris Hayes had to say about Medicare.
Listen to this.
Let me say this on Medicare.
Right now, the Medicare Trust Fund is projecting solvency of, I think, 11 years.
That is essentially right on the average for the duration of the Medicare Trust Fund.
Okay.
So since the inception of the Medicare Trust Fund, when they started making actual projections, the average over the life of Medicare is that it's solvent for the next 11 or about 12 years.
First of all, second of all, the thing that drives me crazy about the deficit conversation is that we just spent all this time in Washington, political energy, everyone at this table covering the Affordable Care Act, which is a 2,000-page bill, as the Teen Party will continue.
Remind me, most of which is about bringing down the cost of medical care.
But it spent those savings.
Those savings went into expression.
Right.
No, no, no, no.
Right.
In a budgetary fashion, it did.
But what we do not know is whether it alters the behavior in the way we thought it would.
And so rather than waiting three or four years to implement the bill and check back after we've implemented a massive piece of legislation to see if it's brought down healthcare spending, what we're doing now is having a panicked conversation about how to reduce healthcare.
Okay.
So he's saying that ever since they invented Medicare, which is in the late 60s, they do actuarial projections of the solvency of the program.
And every time they do it, it's solvent for the next 11 to 12 years.
And he's saying that that is the case right now, also.
So what is all this stuff I hear?
I can't turn on the television without hearing people say that.
Well, here, let's start.
Let's start playing it.
Here's from Meet the Press.
Here is Mitch McConnell.
This is just last week.
Until you adjust the eligibility for entitlements, do things like raising the age for Medicare for future beneficiaries, not for those currently receiving or those about to receive, have serious means testing for high-income people.
You know, Warren Bump is always complaining about not paying enough taxes.
What I'm complaining about is we're paying for his Medicare.
We ought not to be providing these kinds of benefits for millionaires and billionaires.
We ought to make sure that the eligibility for entitlements meets the demographics of America.
You know, when Social Security was passed back in the 30s, I think the average American lived to be about 61.
This year, the average male, 79, the average female, 81.
Now, we need to adjust these programs for the future so that they'll still be there.
The trustees of Medicare and Social Security say that Medicare is going to tank in 10 years.
The question is.
He's trying to fix a problem that is at least, according to him, who we know He's full of it is 10 years away.
He's trying to pretend that what he's worried about is a problem that isn't going to happen until after he's dead.
He's trying to tell us he's trying to fix a problem that isn't going to happen for another decade.
Meanwhile, we're still in Afghanistan.
We still have tens of thousands of people in Iraq.
Meanwhile, we're still giving $60 billion a month to the banks in free cash.
But right now, he's upset about a problem with Medicare that's not going to happen, according to him, for 10 more years.
And Social Security, which isn't going to happen until 2033.
These are the things he's pretending to be worried about.
Here's why.
The only time Republicans have any foresight is when it comes to screwing over people who have invested already in these programs and need to get their money back.
Because there isn't a lobby for Social Security.
There's no money.
There's no for the military industrial complex.
There's people are going to offer you campaign money, and then when you get out of government, they're going to give you a job.
That doesn't happen with Medicare or Social Security.
There's no job for anybody to get that's going to pay them millions of dollars in the Medicare company.
You know what I mean?
And that's the problem.
So there are no advocates for this.
And we have to rely on people like Chris Hayes, who has a show at six in the morning on Saturday to tell us about this stuff.
Are we going to preserve these programs for future beneficiaries?
Yeah, that's what he's trying to do.
He's trying to preserve these programs.
Oh, he's taking care of us?
Yes, we need to adjust them for the future so they'll still be there.
Otherwise, they'll just disappear.
Either that or they'll keep going helping the people they're supposed to, and that would be even worse.
Paul Ryan said that about Social Security.
He wanted to preserve it.
He wanted to save it.
Yeah.
That's what they say, save people.
Reform, save it.
Save it in a museum.
The president should be leading, not being dragged to the table.
Yeah, the president needs to lead on this issue, by which I mean, you know, make inexplicable concessions he promised he would never make.
It's the president's responsibility to cave in on this so we don't look like a defeated political party whose ideas were completely rejected in the last election.
Robert, we need the president to act like a president.
And by that, I mean a Republican president, because otherwise he's not really being a president.
Okay.
So that was Mitch McConnell.
You expect him to say that stuff.
And you expect David Gregory just to let him say it, right?
Which he did.
Sure.
And by the way, blue-collar workers are not living longer, okay?
They're not living.
You know who's living longer?
Guys like Mitch McConnell and David Gregory and Tom Brokaw and Joe Scarborough.
Not people who are cops and firemen and bricklayers and bus drivers and truck drivers and construction workers.
Those people aren't living longer.
Okay, just so everyone knows that.
All right.
And you know, I get it that women do live longer.
I don't want to work longer.
I get paid.
Yes.
I know.
Isn't that the bottom line?
Like women, there's no equity in what we're being paid with our counterparts, our counterparts.
Well, you should work longer because you're not making as much money.
So you need to work longer.
I don't want to work longer, Steve.
Okay, so here's Ed Randell.
Shut up, Dollface.
Sorry, Jenny, go ahead.
So enter Ed Randell.
Now, if you don't know who Ed Randell is, he's the former governor of Pennsylvania.
He's a Democrat.
He's a powerful Democrat.
But when you hear this clip, you'll understand why Democrats have trouble finding their car keys in their asses, okay?
And the guy, he's going to refer to a guy named Steve.
He's talking about Steve LaTorette.
He's a Republican congressman from Ohio.
Okay, so just keep that in mind.
Ed Randell, here we go.
The people want us to get together and do something.
It's why I was sad to see.
I love that.
The people want us to get together and do something.
Yeah, but the people don't want you to get together and cut Medicare and Social Security, Ed.
Okay.
They want you to get together and end the wars and tax the rich and fix the income and disparity in this country.
They don't want you to get together and cut Social Security and Medicare, Mr. Democrat.
Here, he's got more to say.
Steve, decide not to run for re-election because we need Republicans.
We need more Republicans who are going to stand in there and say, yes, spending is the issue.
Did you hear what he just said?
We need more Republicans.
He's upset that this guy, Steve, who's a Republican, isn't running again because we need more Republicans who are willing to stand up and say spending is the issue.
That doesn't even make any sense.
That's all those guys ever say is spending is the issue.
We don't need the Republicans to say spending is the issue because Randell is saying it.
Exactly.
What is he?
So he's saying we need more.
I've never even, I've never heard someone say something like that before.
I've never heard someone say we need more people of the other party in Congress in power.
He is like an Obama Democrat.
He's a Republican.
He's yes.
Yes.
He's not right.
He's got some more to say.
But we've got to realize that we've got to have reasonable revenue that comes into the mix, and we've got to look at everything.
When it comes to spending, defense cannot be a sacred cow.
We've got to look at everything, and we've got to have legitimate entitlement reform.
And on our side, Mike, we've got to do this.
I was on the cycle, one of MSNBC shows, and I suggested that raising the age in Medicare, given the fact that we're living longer, isn't a necessarily bad idea.
The three progressive hosts, you would have thought that I proposed treason to the American government.
Wow, I'm guessing they didn't react as if it was actually treason.
I'm guessing they reacted like it was kicking elderly people and their generals.
Maybe that's how they reacted.
Because the health insurance industry, not really wild about covering old sick people.
They consider being 40 a pre-existing condition, okay?
So over 65 is going to be a real problem for them, Ed.
And I don't know if Ed Rendell has noticed this, but outside of the professional politics, we live in a pretty ageist and competitive society.
Most industries want their old people to retire, okay?
And most young people looking for work want old people to retire.
And guess what?
A lot of people who have been working for 40 some-odd years, they also want to retire, Ed.
And how come you always hear entitlement reform?
You never hear of Pentagon reform.
You never hear that.
But is it also wouldn't you say that the entitlement reform should also include then the banks?
Well, this is what I'm talking about.
They're getting $60 billion a month.
Nobody even talks about that.
They're getting $60 billion a month.
They're passing out for free to the banks right now.
No one even brings that up.
No one talks about the money we're spending in Afghanistan.
Okay.
So here is Steve.
Here's Ohio Representative Steve LaTourette.
And to be fair, he's one of the truly moderate Republicans left, which must be a special kind of internal torment to suffer.
So here's what he has to say.
My next endeavor, the non-paying one, is going to be to head up the Republican Main Street Partnership to give comfort and cover to both center right Republicans and center left, I guess, Democrats.
Like at center, I guess left.
I mean, you know, let's forget The Democrats I'm talking about are Republicans.
That's who he's talking.
He's talking about Democrats who act like Republicans.
He's not talking about Democrats who act like Democrats.
He's talking about Democrats who act like Republicans.
He's like, we're going to offer them comfort and cover.
Isn't that a little bit like aiding and abetting?
Isn't that what that sounds like?
Okay.
To stand up from the fringe groups on the right and left to have the courage to do the right thing.
Oh, the courage to do the right thing.
Yeah, those are exactly the same thing.
The Democrats and the Republican, those fringe groups are exactly the same.
You know, on the left, people who want to preserve Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security because they have been and remain effective and humane programs that address massive social problems.
And then on the right, the people who don't think we should pay taxes or have laws and think human greed will fix everything.
Yes, those are exactly the same in how fringy they are.
Perfect.
Don't say something like that.
You'll piss off Jon Stewart again, and we'll have another satire for sanity.
False equivalency festival.
Have any of you guys noticed, too, that when they say whenever a politician like that says, well, we need courage, we have to show courage.
What do they mean when they say that?
They mean we have to F over poor and old people.
It's courageous to screw over poor people.
It's no courage to stand up to the Pentagon.
There's no courage to tax the millionaires and billionaires.
That doesn't take courage to address the biggest income inequality in our country's history.
No, none of that stuff takes courage.
Well, a scale is scary dealing with old people.
They don't smell good.
And look, even if it means there are a few more Republicans in the Senate and the Congress, if they're reasonable Republicans who are moderate conservatives, then that's a good prescription for America.
Ed Randell, Democrats, prescription to fix America is to get more Republicans elected.
That's a good prescription.
Little-known fact about Ed Randell, he hasn't read a newspaper or watched TV since 1987.
That's why he thinks there are still enough moderate Republicans out there to do things when, in fact, you couldn't put together enough moderate Republicans for a game of laser tag.
There aren't any in the world left.
I love how the answer to our problems is more Republicans in the Senate.
Not more progressive Democrats, but more Republicans.
Because, you know, following Republicans' ideas has worked out so well for our economy, our wars, our national debt.
Hey, CNN, next time you'll throw a Chiron under this orange mug, it better say two-term Speaker of the House because Papa just got voted prom queen again.
Because I am the prettiest princess of the dance, and everybody knows it.
Vader.
It wasn't even a competition, Jimmy.
There were 10 votes against me.
You know who they were for?
Three were for Cantor.
Wow.
Yeah, okay.
You want the speaker to be the creepy underwear model?
Biggest idea for government is building a time machine so we can go back in time to kill Hitler.
One vote was for former comtroller General David Walker.
Who the fuck is that?
I'm pretty sure that's not even a real person.
I bet it's a character from the Star Wars prequels or something.
Oh, and this is your favorite.
There were two votes for Alan West.
Alan West.
Alan, I'm not even a member of Congress anymore, West.
King Alan, I'm too crazy to hold on to a Republican seat in Florida, Wes.
Seriously, the guy who's making Alan Keyes look like a serious candidate.
That's who you want his third alliance to be the president?
That guy is so batshit, he would deport everyone to Canada and then invade Canada.
Come on, people.
You know, it's going to be Boehner.
Boehner.
Hey, I got to pitch one off.
So get under the glass table, fucko, and I'll call you right back.
Don't forget, if you missed any part of today's show, the Jimmy Door show is always available as a podcast for free at iTunes and at my website, jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And you spell my last name, D-O-R-E, right now.
Let's get back to the studio.
I'm talking with Steve Rosenfield, Robert Yasimura, Jim Earl, and Steph Zamarano.
We're talking about the Medicare debate that's going on in the media right now.
So here, let's go to PBS now.
Let's go to Mark Shields.
Here's Mark Shields, the liberal side of their debate on PBS's Jim Lair's News Hour.
Here's what he has to say about the grand bargain and the cutting Medicare and Medicaid.
The fact is that the American people who want all the benefits and want the free lunch and don't want a single gray hair or beautiful head of Social Security or Medicare touched and basically don't want to pay for it.
Basically, people, American people, don't want to pay for their Social Security and Medicare.
Hey, hey, hey, hey-ho, we do pay for it.
It's called FICA.
It's called FICA.
Every week in your paycheck, you're paying for it.
I wish they still made newspapers so I could roll it up and bang it over this guy's head.
Free lunch.
This is a guy who's brought on to be the smart guy who's supposed to inform us.
What the hell is he talking about?
That people that Medicare, again, Medicare Social Security solvent for at least a decade.
And these are the problems that you can, you don't think the wars that we're lied to about that cost $3 trillion, by the way, for the Iraq war, $3 trillion.
No, I think there actually is a conspiracy.
You know, Alex Jones was talking about the real conspiracy is if you can have people like Mark Shields talking about you, it's free lunch.
Then maybe the fix is in in the sense that, you know, that the feeling is that we're moving toward cutting Medicare and that we're moving toward that and that they're preparing through the media.
They're like preparing for this.
You know, this has got to happen.
They're all going that way.
It's got to happen.
Got to happen.
Apparently, I guess Mark Shields never like bumps into Chris Hayes in a green room.
He never glances at a Paul Krugman column.
He never talks to a progressive Democrat.
Ever?
Ever?
Does Mark Shields ever talk to those guys?
Free lunch.
That phrase, free lunch, is just.
And not one mention, Jim, not one mention of creating good paying jobs back here in America.
Like, you know, the real problem, why we have lower revenues, why we, so not one mention about income inequality, not one word about the concentration of wealth at the tippy top of our society.
Corporate welfare.
Corporate welfare, the 60 billion a month.
Not one word.
It's the Republican agenda.
He said that the middle class is afraid to pay for their stuff.
This is what he's saying the problem is.
He just keeps Saying it.
He's just, although Canada can give health care to everybody, England can give health care to everybody.
Switzerland, France, every France was at the top of the list for the WHO says the best health care system in the world.
Everybody gets health care and everybody gets health care.
How come they can do it?
But America, the richest country in the world, Steve, can't afford it.
We don't have the money.
I just heard Mark Shields say it on PBS.
How could we possibly have the money?
You know, it's how we also never talk about any other country situations.
Nobody ever talks about France.
No, nobody can.
It never does if there's no other, there's no other example that we could look to in the world to figure out how to solve this problem.
Right.
How about nobody ever says, hey, maybe we should do something to bring down the cost of health care.
Meanwhile, how come we still play twice as much as the rest of the world?
None of these things make it into their conversations.
None of this is Mark Shields, the liberal on PBS.
The liberal PBS.
I mean, isn't it clear to everyone?
I mean, we all read the paper.
We all know that austerity doesn't work.
It's not working in Europe.
It's hurting their economy.
Austerity.
Every economist knows that, that austerity doesn't work.
And now it's time for another reading from Morning Remembrance.
Funny fake obituaries of real dead people, as read by Jim Earle.
General H. Norman Schwarzkopf, oil man.
H. Norman Schwarzkopf, the general who became famous for restoring pride to Americans by reminding them what it was like to crush a nation armed with shitty weapons and even shittier troops.
Is dead of heart failure after a chunk of plaque failed to meet a UN deadline to leave his left ventricle.
The big burly general that had been living in Florida for several years in quiet retirement, aside from some embarrassing episodes when tourists thought he was a manatee and tried to feed him cabbage.
When asked for his reaction, 88-year-old George H.W. Bush tried to pour a bowl of jello into his bedpan.
Modest but not known for his intellectual prowess, Schwartzkopf once said, it doesn't take a hero to order men into battle.
Adding, because a hero is a sandwich, right?
Right?
Once, when asked why his troops called him Storman Norman, he replied, Because it rhymes with Norman.
I don't know.
Get the fuck out of my face.
He was kind of funny that way.
Schwarzkopf was treated for prostate cancer in 1993 and became a national spokesman for campaigns against the disease.
Unfortunately, those campaigns usually involved massive aerial bombardment, followed by a brutal two-pronged commando assault thrusting deep up the patient's ass.
Schwarzkopf requested his remaining life force be run out of Kuwait, boxed into a kill zone, and systematically incinerated on the highway of death, along with a busload of women and children.
That's it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I love you.
Beep.
Jimmy, it's Boeing.
Do not go in my bathroom.
I'm having one of my girls light a bonfire in there because evidently I've been eating a steady diet of oat bread and shredded tires.
Oh, and I got a long-distance shout out to all the Republicans who voted against me.
You want to come after me?
I'm a force of nature.
I just gave birth to a fecal gorilla, and you want to come after me.
I hope you didn't like your committee assignments because you're about to spend the next two years with your thumbs up your asses and tried to pass legislation like National Sandwich Day.
Hey, Representative Amash of Michigan, I'm apporting you, junior member, for getting dishes washed in the cafeteria.
Hey, Louie Gohmert, representative for the great state of Texas.
I'm appointing you, chairman of Blowing Me.
So make sure you work the tape real good.
Hey, Jimmy, I just left a jumble half finished there in a shitter.
So I'm going to get back to that.
Keep the faith, my brother.
And by faith, I mean pussy.
The voice of John Boehner, performed by the one and only Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcray.com.
And today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Steve Rosenfield, Jim Earl, Mark Van Landuitt, Robert Yasimura, Steph Samurano, and Frank Connoff.
Hey, we'll see you at the end of January, 24th through 26th.
We're going to be up at Laughs in Kirkland in the Seattle area.
If you're in Seattle, come see us at Laughs in Kirkland, 24, 25, 26 of January.
And a big shout out to Frank Conniff.
Our condolences.
His brother Rex died suddenly of heart failure.
So our condolences, our thoughts are with Frank Conniff, great guy.
He was a fan of the podcast.
He was a right-wing guy who loved our show because he loved comedy.
So that was, anyway, thinking of you, Frank.
And before we say goodbye, I want to give a big shout out and a thank you to the gentleman who donate their time and talent to make the podcast happen.
Our Mac genius, Sean James.
So if you got a problem with your Macintosh computer, he can fix it for you right over the internet.
And you get a hold of him by sending him an email at machelp at SeanJames.com.
And you spell Sean S-H-A-U-N.
And a big thanks to Don Quixote, the artist who did our logo and made the caricature of me.
What a great thank you very much.
Don Quixote.
Also, Frank Pulaski, who did the videos for our show, takes the phone calls and doesn't.
Frank Pulaski from Dreamtime Films.
Big shout out to him.
Okay, that's it for this week.
Thanks for listening.
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