All Episodes
Previous Next
Jan. 4, 2013 - Jimmy Dore Show
58:54
20130104_The_Jimmy_Dore_Show_1-4-13
| Copy link to current segment

Time Text
The Jimmy Dore show starts right now.
This week, a paparazzi photographer in Los Angeles was hit by an SUV and killed while trying to take pictures of Justin Bieber's Ferrari, which Justin Bieber was not even in at the time.
It'd be easy and perhaps insensitive to make jokes like, so the news isn't all bad, or that's what I'd call an excellent start, or who says the paparazzi can't contribute to society.
But I'm not going to say those things.
Hopefully, if it serves no other purpose, this tragedy may provide a warning to us all about the perils of jaywalking, especially in Los Angeles.
It's easy to forget that the paparazzi are people just like anybody else.
People whose job it is to chase celebrities and take pictures of them being pissed off at having their pictures taken.
Celebrities who knowingly leave their homes even though they're famous.
The LA Times quoted veteran paparazzo Frank Griffin defending the late photographer, asking, what's the difference between our guy who got killed under those circumstances and the war photographer who steps on a landmine in Afghanistan and blows himself to pieces?
The difference is that the war photographer stepped in a landmine in Afghanistan while your guy died trying to cross four lanes of traffic on Sepulveda at six in the evening so he could take pictures of a Ferrari.
The driver of the SUV won't be charged with a crime, and many are suggesting that at the very least she deserves a sizable refund on her auto insurance.
Is the stereotype of the paparazzi as obnoxious weasels really fair?
To my knowledge, they've only gotten one princess killed so far.
And let's face it, she should have realized she was going to be hounded for the rest of her life.
Unlike Justin Bieber, who should relax and remember that this harassment will end much sooner than he realizes.
I mean, when was the last time anybody risked their life to take a picture of the Jonas Brothers?
Thank you.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
the show for...
...up-minded, lowly-lovered lapdies.
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's Archie Parker, T-Wales.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dome.
It's Jimmy Dome.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's episode where we're going to take a look back at the second half of 2012.
It's what we're doing.
And across the glass from me is a hilarious comedian, former writer for the Daily Show.
It's Steve Rosenfield.
Hey, Steve, how are you?
Great, Jimmy.
How are you?
And Happy New Year.
Happy New Year to me.
To you and yours.
Oh, thank you for me and mine.
You keep yours to yourself.
Next to him from Team Yasamura, hilarious comedian Robert Yasamura.
Hey, Robert, how are you?
Great.
Gung-hey, fat choy, my friend.
Okay.
I like it.
It's Korean, actually, but it's.
It's Asian.
It's all I didn't care.
It sounded fat choy.
I'd like that.
Across the table from him, it's a host of Comedy and Everything Else, our resident Latina at Steph Zamarano.
Hey, Steph, how are you?
I'm doing great, Jimmy.
I'm still a mech I can.
Yes, and on the phone, on the phone, all the way from New York City.
It's the man who used to work for Kern TV.
We're going to see what happens with that.
It's TV's Frank, Frank Conniff.
Hello there.
Hey, Frank, how are you?
I'm good.
I'm good.
48 hours ago, I was such a big shot.
Yes.
Used to work for a Nobel Prize winner.
Yep.
I was, you know, now I'm back into the world of podcasts.
Big time.
Okay.
So let's look at, let's look back at the second half.
You know, it was a very, it's quite a year, 2012, the second half.
It was the year when Mitt Romney referred to binders full of women.
And he, you know, he had that binder full of women under a file marked, employees we can hire for less money.
It was the year in which Barack Obama had a retort and an answer for every one of Mitt Romney's lies.
He just didn't think the first debate was the right time to bring it up.
It's quite a year, 2012.
Quite a year, Frank.
You remember in 2012, there was the Hurricane Sandy hit in, right, the East Coast, and they called it the Frankenstorm, right?
Yes.
And that was actually my porn day.
Your porn name.
And then I decided it was just kind of stupid to give myself a name for when I watched porn.
laughter laughter laughter There you go, huh?
See, Frank, it's still good.
We still love you.
El, it's quite a year.
It was quite a year, that 2012, huh?
Frank, did you know?
20 years the year that Dick Cheney finally phoned into the Sean Hannity show on Fox saying, hi, Sean, first-time caller, long-time war criminal.
It was quite a year, that 2012.
It was the year that the court court killed the Defense of Marriage Act, and straight couples were advised to stay indoors and avoid contact with all things fabulous.
All things fabulous.
Quite a year.
Quite a year.
Quite a year, Frank.
It was quite a year.
You know, it was the year that Kate Middleton got pregnant.
What did you think of that, Frank?
Oh, well, it's always exciting when an average person of no particular talent does something ordinary.
Quite a year.
Quite a year.
It was the year in which the GOP Senate candidate said that rape pregnancies were the will of God.
And yes, I remember in the Bible when Jesus turned water into roofies.
Don't you remember that?
It's quite a year.
2012 was the year that the media circulated a myth based on scientific polls that Romney would lose the election.
It was quite a year.
Josh Whedon, do you know who Josh Whedon is, Frank?
He's the creator of Buffy the Vampire Claire and the director of The Avengers.
Oh, well, he spoke at Comic-Con, and Josh Whedon speaking at Comic-Con was as big a thrill to geeks as Paul Ryan's speech at Values Voters Summit was to assholes.
Indeed, it was.
It was quite a year that 2012, Frank.
It was the year that Pat Buchanan called Barack Obama a drug dealer of welfare, which made Pat Buchanan the crystal meth lab of racism.
Quite a year.
Did you know it was the year that the iPad Mini came out, 2012?
The Chinese slaves who assembled the iPad Mini are two-thirds the size of slaves who assembled the regular iPad.
Quite a year.
It was the year that Paul Ryan introduced himself to America as the new thoroughly reprehensible jag op who is in All Our Lives Forever.
It was the year 2012 was the year that Chris Christie touted a second American century.
It's not surprising Chris Christie's always asking For seconds.
Large man.
He's a large man.
You know, it was 2012 included a Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day.
It was also that Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day also was the kickoff to Diarrhea Month.
A whole month, whole month, 2012.
It was the year Anderson Cooper came out of the closet as a gay man.
And CNN was such a shitty network, they were the last ones to find out.
2012 was the year Katie Holmes divorced Tom Cruise just as the world was suing him for mental cruelty over Rock of Ages.
Quite a year.
2012, quite a year.
Yes.
It was the year 2012 was the year Sean Hannity interviewed George Zimmerman to tell his side of the story.
Trayvon Martin was unavailable to be interviewed because he was shot dead by a racist.
Yeah, that shit.
That's a hard one to laugh at.
Yeah, it is.
You know, it was the year George Zimmerman.
It's too soon.
It is.
It's really too soon.
Hey.
I don't know.
Oh, that joke was really.
Yes, it was.
He got a ton of hell for it on the internet.
No kidding.
Yeah.
You know what I say?
I say, let's not judge George Zimmerman, Frank, until we walk a mile in his shoes and shoot an unarmed black kid.
You know, maybe I'm rationalizing here, Frank, but George Zimmerman did keep his neighborhood safe from unarmed teenagers eating candy.
I have some late-breaking news.
You know how Hillary Clinton couldn't testify on Benghazi because of her concussion.
Right.
Well, Chris Christie also couldn't testify because he had an ice cream headache.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Quite a year.
You know, Chris Christie is making a lot of headlines right now because he's standing up to the House Republicans because they're not funding hurricane relief for the Northeast.
And he's making his approval ratings are going up.
And I wanted to remind people that during the last big snowstorm, the big emergency in New Jersey, he took off and went to Disneyland or Disney World because he said he had promised his daughter to take her to Disney World in between Christmas and New Year's.
And he wasn't going to break that promise.
Does he remember that?
Anyway, so let's look back at our look back at him from last year.
Ask any Wall Street apologist what caused our economic meltdown, and he'll tell you it was because a bunch of poor people wrestled the economy away from the bankers and Alan Greenspan and tricked them into giving them a bunch of money to buy houses they could never pay back.
It's the perfect cover for criminal bankers.
Hey, who's really in charge of the economy and responsible?
It's a bunch of poor people with no money in power.
Well, the new BS talking point is that what's bankrupting states right now is that they have to pay pension benefits to their state employees.
You know, state employees, teachers, cops, firemen, garbage men, stuff like that.
We have a benefit problem.
It's not an income problem from the state.
It's a benefit problem.
That's New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, presumably named Chris by his parents because it would be easier for him to remember his name.
Now, Governor Christie's a Republican, but not your typical Republican you think of.
He's a Northeastern Republican.
So that means he's not very conservative on social issues.
And that also means that by South Carolina Republican standards, he would be a vegan homosexual.
He's like a lot of Republicans north of the Mason-Dixon line.
He's what they would call a fiscal Republican, which sounds relatively benign, right?
Until you actually hear what makes fiscal conservatives fiscal conservatives.
That means not wanting to pay blue-collar workers for their state what they've earned.
We have a benefit problem.
It's not an income problem from the state.
It's a benefit problem.
And so we got to change those benefits.
That's the governor on 60 Minutes talking to, I forget the guy's name.
He's the guy in 60 Minutes who used to be super good looking, but now looks kind of weird and cartoonish.
He's talking to that guy.
And that guy is serving up Governor Christie a bunch of total softballs and letting every answer he spews out go completely unchallenged.
What they're talking about is the fact that New Jersey is facing the worst crisis in state workers' benefits in the country.
Yes, the entire country.
And remember, we live in a country that includes Florida and Texas.
So what's the problem?
Well, the state promised to pay fairly standard civil service pensions to their teachers, firemen, police officers, etc.
So now New Jersey owes a bunch of aging workers the money they were promised to live on for the rest of their lives, and the state's running out of money.
Oops.
We have a benefit problem.
It's not an income problem from the state.
It's a benefit problem.
So let's just get this straight.
The state of New Jersey promised a bunch of workers that in exchange for doing some of the toughest work around, you'd throw them some health insurance and a little retirement dough.
And now you don't want to do it.
And in most parts of the world, that's considered breach of contract.
But Governor Christie, that's called a benefit problem.
I mean, I think the general public thinks, I can't believe anybody gets a pension anymore.
I think amongst the broad general public, they've said, amen.
And I think among the public sector unions, they're yelling and screaming.
First of all, don't you think it's a bad idea to use the general public's opinion as a litmus test on anything, considering the general public is really into the Kardashians, Dancing with the Stars, and Snookie.
Secondly, I'm pretty sure that the general public is aware that state employees are supposed to get pensions.
You know who's not aware of that?
Politicians with two first names who are willing to vilify union workers in order to score cheap political points.
That's who.
I mean, I think the general public thinks, I can't believe anybody gets a pension anymore.
Yeah, that's right.
Nobody even thinks people have pensions anymore.
And you know why?
It's because they keep voting for politicians like Chris Christie, who view payments to public employee pension funds as, you know, optional, but promises to take a week vacation in Florida during a snowstorm as sacrosanct.
Music The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Hayden, while you're over at the Jimmy DoorComedy.com, you're going to notice a link over there for tickets to a show tomorrow night at the improv.
The Jimmy Door show is doing the big live stand-up show at the improv in Hollywood.
And we're going to give away some tickets to that show at the bottom of the hour.
So stay tuned for that.
We're going to have all the beer favorites there.
David Felden will be there.
Paul Gilmartin doing his very offensive, but very hilarious, jackass Republican character, plus a lot more.
That's tomorrow at the improv.
We're going to give away tickets for that show at the bottom of the hour.
So stay tuned.
But right now, let's get back to the studio.
Okay, I'm in the studio with former writer for the Daily Show, Steve Rosenfield, hilarious comedian Robert Yasimura is here, the host of Comedy and Everything Else.
Steph Zemarano is here on the phone from New York from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's TV's Frank Frank Conoff is with us.
And we're looking back at 2012 on the Jimmy Doer show.
And this was one of the clips that jumped out at me when I was looking back at the stuff we'd covered in the second half of 2012.
It was when Scott Pelley sat down with the Secretary of Defense, Leon Panetta.
You know, like most Secretary of Defenses, Leon Panetta lives by the credo: hey, if you can't enjoy invading other countries, why even get up in the morning?
Here's Leon Panetta, what I like to refer to as giggling his way through war.
In how many countries are we currently engaged in a shooting war?
It's a good question.
You know, it's stop and count.
I'll have to stop and think about that because, you know, obviously we're going after Al-Qaeda wherever they're at.
You know, listen, he meant no disrespect by laughing at that question, but let's face it.
Explosions are funny.
Boom.
And you got to see the look on those Al-Qaeda guys' faces just before the drone missile hits their SUV filled with their family on their way to a wedding.
They do not see it coming.
Oh, you know, I'm not blaming Leon Panetta for laughing because the question is incredibly simple, but the answer turns out to be ridiculously complex.
It's like asking, hey, what's up, Eric Cantor's ass, when there are so many things up here in Panetta.
But first, Panetta might want to apologize for laughing, don't you think?
I mean, what with the death and whatnot?
Secondly, it's probably a bad sign when the Secretary of Defense organically laughs at the question, how many wars are we in currently?
He's an easy laugh, clearly.
Panetta submitted his information about the wars to the reader's digest.
Do you have an amusing anecdote section?
That was a humor in uniform.
Yes, I was a humor in uniform.
He put that in.
You know, after Leon Panetta laughed at that, I kind of half expected him to go, you know, now that you put it that way, Scott, I think we might have a problem.
And it's like everybody watched that.
Nobody like Scott Pelley, am I the only one who thinks that's horribly effed up?
Hey, want to have a good laugh?
Think about how many countries we're fighting in while firing teachers at home.
Hilarious.
Okay, that was so that was a I thought that was kind of indicative of everything going on.
And so here, how about Ryan Paul Ryan got picked last year?
Let's look at that really quickly, right?
Paul Ryan got picked to be the vice presidential.
So he got a bunch of grief for his the Paul Ryan budget and about how it just you know it just took it out on the poor.
It's basically just it it gave huge tax breaks to the rich and eviscerated uh social safety nets.
Social safety.
Right, correct.
So it did the opposite, and the Catholic nuns started a bus tour.
So here's what he had to say about his Paul Ryan's budget.
One of the primary tenets of Catholic social teaching means don't keep people poor, don't make people dependent on government so that they stay stuck in their station in life.
Okay, you know, Paul, when Jesus said teach a man to fish, he wasn't talking about teaching a 75-year-old man to fish.
And I'm 100% certain that that metaphor wasn't supposed to extend to teach a man to give himself modern health care after he retires.
So that's Paul.
So the nuns were against Paul Ryan in 2012.
They came out.
They did a bus tour to bring awareness to how Paul Ryan's budget was so anti-Catholic teaching.
Anti-all Christian teaching.
Right.
Yeah.
Well, yes, but especially Cass.
Yes.
Let's remember: nuns make public policy statements never, okay?
Nuns volunteered to shut up and let the men do the talking as a lifestyle choice.
Do you know how un-Catholic something has to be in order to organize a nun speaking tour?
The only thing that I could think of, maybe a gay Jewish abortion clinic next to St. Patrick's.
Maybe that would be so.
So here's what the nuns had to say.
She was talking with L Sharpton.
Here's what she had to say.
We're really excited about is that our Catholic bishops share our perspective that it is an immoral document.
It is not a correct budget.
It's not in keeping with our faith.
So we are delighted to stand with our bishops and oppose the Ryan budget.
You know, it's tough to win an moral argument when even child rapers are looking down their nose at you.
We draw the line of child rape.
So that was the Paul Ryan budget.
That was, I thought that was interesting.
You know what?
Let's break it up here.
Do you guys remember it was the Miss America contest?
It was hosted by Andy Cohen and some other pretty woman.
And that's still a thing.
Yes, I know.
I watched it this year.
Nobody watches it.
I couldn't believe it.
I watched it.
I watched it from start to finish, and I'm like, there is nothing to that.
It's literally pretty women changing outfits.
That's all it, and walking around.
How in the age of porn does that survive?
I don't, that's what I'm saying.
And then, because that's what it is.
It's just for people who don't realize that there is such a thing as porn.
Yes, it's for it's who's pre-porn.
Who's still?
And people don't know that you like when I watch porn.
It's the miscongeniality that really makes me jack off the bow.
Because she's so friendly.
Who sponsors these the year?
For 1950?
Yes.
So here is the big question that she got asked last year.
Remember this?
Hey, do you think women are depicted in movies and on television in an accurate and positive way?
And please give us an example.
I think it depends on the movie.
I think there are some movies that depict women in a very positive role.
And then some movies that put them in a little bit more of a negative role.
But by the end of the movie, they show that woman power that I know we all have.
You mean like Norma Ray, something like that?
Here we go.
Such as movie Pretty Woman.
We had a wonderful, beautiful woman, Julia Roberts.
And she was having a rough time.
But you know what?
She came out of it.
She was having a rough time.
Must have been that prostitute thing that was hanging her up.
She didn't let anybody stay in her path.
Thank you.
I like it.
She didn't let anybody stay in her path.
Okay, you mean her path to the...
I wouldn't really do that.
You know, Pretty Woman, Frank, it's the inspirational true-to-life story of a woman who serendipitously Finds love during her work of blowing guys for cash.
Very beautiful story, but I don't know if you saw that this woman also said that the Samuel Jackson character in Django Unchained is a great role model for black people.
So that was fun.
So we got, so we did that.
Let's listen.
Why don't I listen to a let's listen to a phone call?
Hang on, let me get in the middle of last year, right in June.
This is from June last year, right?
Or early July, I sat down with Mitt Romney and we had a little chit-chat.
Here's what Mitt Romney had to say.
Jimmy, it's me, MIDI, one of the three Mormons most people could name, and the only one who doesn't live in Utah.
Hello.
And all my Mexican friends out there.
Hello.
It seems I've been getting a lot of questions on whether or not I support what remains of Arizona's SB 1070 and whether or not I'd renew President Obama's recent decision not to report, deport young immigrants.
And my answer to the media is this: why are you making this so hard for me?
I mean, I really want to be president, and you guys are just spoiling it.
Don't you understand that if I take an actual policy position on something, I might not get to be president?
And Mitt wants to be president.
Well, since it looks like I'm not going to get out of this one, here it is.
I swear on the seeing stones of John Smith, I don't have any opinion about this stuff at all.
I've never actually met an illegal immigrant.
Unless you count the president.
That's a joke.
I don't think the president is illegal.
But on the other hand, there's no way I'm going to denounce the birthers because I really want to be president.
But seriously, for all I know, illegal immigrants might have cloven feet and tails like Jews.
I mean, we just don't know.
It's not my fault.
I and all my friends can afford to hire white housekeepers and gardeners.
So how in the heck, fire, am I going to meet one of these illegal types?
So would someone please choose to go ahead and, you know, just make me president?
Now, despite what you may think, I'm not stupid.
I just act like that for the mouth breathers who want to be ruled by someone as stupid as they are.
So I know I have to say something when I'm asked these types of questions.
So here's my answer: The president has failed to lead on this issue.
He's failed to lead on this issue.
The black guy doesn't do anything.
El Presidente Denegro, no harpodido con suciader.
Well, that's it for this phone call, it seems.
It's been a super phone call.
So until next time, suck a shit right out of my asshole, you less than suckbags.
You know what I found interesting when I started to go over the material that we'd covered last year?
I found out that right around this time last year, it was almost the same story with Barack Obama, right?
Like he'd caved in.
So it's funny how, by the way, everybody's making a big deal how they raise taxes on the upper 1%, people making over 450,000.
So 0.7%.
But guess what?
Who else got their taxes raised?
Working people.
Now, because payroll tax holiday is over.
So now everybody else is going to have to pay $2,000 more.
Like my wife's going to have to pay $2,000 more in taxes this year.
So that comes out of the economy.
So that doesn't help the economy.
It's so funny how there is.
So here's Barack Obama, calling me last year after the first debt ceiling negotiation.
And it sounded very much like this one.
Jimmy Dorf, Barack Obama.
Did you see my campaign speech about taxing the rich the other day?
Pretty inspiring, huh?
Yep, I'm telling you, I've had it with these fat cat millionaires and billionaires, and I'm going to throw the bums out the minute I get elected to office.
That's right.
On my first date in the White House, I'm going to make some changes that are really going to.
Oh, wait a minute.
I'm sorry.
I was reading from a speech I gave three years ago.
Millionaires and billionaires must pay their fair share.
Hey, Jimmy, check this one out.
I will not sign a health care bill that does not include a public option.
If someone is...
If someone is threatening the right of workers to collectively bargain, I'll put on a soft shoe and go bigger with them.
I'll do that.
I didn't do any of that shit.
But I'm going to go ahead and say it all again because people are stupid.
You know what they say?
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice.
I get re-elected, bitches.
I know the country's in the depression, Jimmy.
But for my base, I've been doing everything I can to make it a bipolar depression.
That way, you cannot afford to get treated for it.
Jimmy, my entire presidency has been based on the idea of hope.
And that is still true.
Because I really hope my Republican opponent sucks so bad, you'll just have to vote for me.
In 2008, my campaign slogan was Change We Can Believe In.
I was thinking of making my 2012 slogan cave-ins we can believe in.
I finally settled on a new slogan.
Barack Obama.
You're going to vote for him anyway, so just shut up.
Well, Jimmy, it's been about almost five minutes since I last compromised on something.
So I better get it going.
Get back to work.
Wait a minute.
Why is there a private jet fueled up and waiting for me?
Oh, that's right.
I forgot.
I'm the freaking president.
I should put a string on my finger or something to remind me.
I don't know what I'm doing.
Thanks, Jimmy.
See you later.
That, of course, the voice of Mike McRae, the inimitable Mike McRae doing the Barack Obama.
Okay, and you can find Mike McRae at MikeMcRae.com.
Okay, if you haven't heard the news, Al Jazeera is buying current TV.
You know, Current TV was the station started by Al Gore, the network, the news network started by Al Gore.
They had Jenk Uger, Keith Olberman, Janet Granholm, Elliot Spitzer doing shows over there.
Well, it turns out they just got bought by Al Jazeera.
Al Jazeera is going to start doing a news show.
They're going to have their own news network in the United States, which is pretty remarkable.
So, and they're an actual news company.
They investigate things and do real reporting.
But the bad news is that that is going to screw up Frank Connop's gig on the John Fuglesing show, which was set to premiere now on the current TV network.
So we asked Frank, we gave him our condolences.
We asked him, what is he going to be working on now?
And he said he's going to be developing some comedies for Al Jazeera.
And what are those comedies, Frank?
Well, in addition to Mirth Moth, I have another comedy show about 9-11 called We Can Laugh About It Now.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER And also, they're going to be bringing in celebrities.
The show excited about Oprah's next fatois.
Okay, so that's what Frank is going to be working on.
He's going to be developing those shows for Al Jazeera television.
Good luck to you, Frank.
Looking forward to having you back on the Jimmy Door show in the studio soon.
Okay.
Kind of bittersweet for Frank.
All right.
So more bitter.
Okay.
And this is the part of the show where I tell the podcast listeners how much I appreciate them, which I do.
I love my podcast listeners.
I'm glad more people are finding the show.
More and more people keep finding the show, and it's becoming their favorite show.
And that can't, that makes me feel good.
How could that not make you feel good?
I love the show.
I think it's wonderful.
I think everybody on it is great.
I think the jokes are amazingly well written.
I think the impressions are spot on.
I think Mike McRae might be the best impressionist in the whole gosh damn country.
That's what I think.
So, okay, so thank you very much for helping spreading the word about the Jimmy Door show.
Thanks for using the Amazon.com link.
You know what?
You know how that works.
If you want to buy something from Amazon.com, you swing over to the JimmyDoorcomedy.com.
You click on our Amazon.com box.
And when you buy something, they send us some money.
It's just that easy, right?
And it doesn't cost you anything.
It doesn't change the way you shop at Amazon, but it sure does help support the show.
Plus, you can make direct donations.
And we'll send you a CD or a nice DVD in the mail, right?
That's what Steph will get you.
We'll get you a nice card.
The whole deal.
We appreciate you helping support the show.
And we're looking to grow.
We're going to be growing in 2013.
All right.
Things are happening.
And thanks for checking out the new clips that we have up over at JimmyDoorComedy.com of the new web series for TYT Comedy, the Young Turks Comedy Network, right?
So thanks for all that.
Thanks for watching.
And now let's get back to the show.
Before we get, so he actually called me trying to get me to vote for him again.
And I think, again, it's just funny because it seems like it's just history repeating itself over and over with Barack Obama.
And here's how it went when he called me.
Oh, you like that music?
Yeah.
Makes it artistic by music.
That's jazzy.
Jimmy D. Barack.
I haven't heard from you, Boo.
Feels like you've been avoiding me.
I have.
Oh, come on, Jimmy D. Oh, come on.
That's what you say to me.
Oh, come on.
Well, I would tell you to hang in there, but you already busted my bones about that.
Now, come on, Jimmy.
It's me, Barack Obama.
Yes, we can.
Remember, it's me, baby.
Yeah, I remember.
I don't think you do.
You've forgotten what you said.
You did.
Hey, there's the grown-ups here.
I have to deal with Republicans in Congress.
And they got nothing to do with it.
They got nothing to do with it.
I don't give a rat's ass about the Republicans.
I care about the people that you chose to be with willingly.
You mean like Michelle and Hillary.
I swear to God, if you're going to be glib about this, Barack, I'm going to lose it.
Oh, come on, Jimmy.
You know damn well who I'm talking about.
Geithner and Summers.
Oh, come on, Jimmy.
You mean, you mean, thank God not Larry Summers.
Of course, that's who I mean.
That's who I said.
And that's who you identify with.
Those are your real pals.
Jimmy, baby, those guys mean nothing to me.
Nothing.
I care about people like you, Jimmy.
If you care about Geither and Summers, the success, baby, that don't mean nothing.
Now you've got Jeffrey Immelt.
Are you kidding me?
Guys like that make me want to puke, and they're your friends now.
You are those guys?
Okay, okay, fine.
They're gone.
That's it.
They're gone.
And what about the wars and the clean air regulation and the banks?
Okay, okay.
I made a few mistakes.
Yeah.
I try to get along too much.
But if I'm guilty of anything, it's trying too hard.
So now it's going to be different.
Really?
Baby, Jimmy, baby, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.
Don't give me the baby.
We can always start implementing our dreams and plans.
But I need you with me, Jimmy Babe.
Oh, yeah.
You know what?
I've heard this before, Brock.
I don't really mean it, Jimmy.
Trust me.
I love you, Jimmy Bay.
And I'm going to be your champion.
Yeah, I don't think, Brock.
Don't think, Marie.
I'm back.
It's me.
Only one.
Shame on me.
Only twice.
And I don't know what I'll do.
But I need you with me, Jimmy Baby.
And if I take you back, you got a promise.
Oh, I promise, Jimmy.
Oh, Jimmy, I promise.
You can trust me.
You got a promise.
I promise, Jimmy.
You can trust me.
You know you love it when I get up on your middle class.
Oh, no.
Dirty talk ain't worth it.
Oh, oh, hey, can I put you on hold, Jimmy?
It's Mr. Gottner.
I'd rather you didn't put me on hold, Brock.
Hold on, I gotta take this.
Come on.
Believe me, I'd rather talk to you than Mr. Gottner.
The last time he put me on hold, the next thing I knew, you were giving Social Security away to.
Snap.
Yeah, well, that's what you get.
If you can't handle the truth, then...
Barack?
Did you just hang up on me?
Barack, did you...
Son of a.
See how that music came in there?
And it made it really artistic.
Frankie, that makes it artistic, right, Frank?
It sure does.
Okay.
Very prescient.
All those.
Isn't it funny how things don't seem to be changing at all?
And just think about this deal that Barack Obama, first of all, they came together to push, to put off.
Jimmy, can I point out one thing, though?
In the wake of that call.
Yes.
You voted for him.
Yes.
Well, that's why that was very pressing.
He said you're going to have to vote for me.
Yeah, I know.
He got me.
He got in my pant.
What was I going to do?
You know, he's a charmer.
He is a charmer.
And he's handsome.
And he's got those.
Oh, he's got those deep dark eyes.
I like his smile.
His smile, sure.
I just pretended I was voting for Clinton again.
You close your eyes and pretend it was Clinton.
He's got that graceful way, that little hop up to the microphone when he goes up on a stage.
The way he hops up, that's that.
I've been bought hop.
Should we do predictions?
Any predictions?
Frank, do you have any predictions?
I'll play a phone call.
You guys think about your predictions.
Bill O'Reilly called me at the end of last June, and he was a little drunk, and he didn't, it wasn't making much sense, but I think it's worth listening to.
So here we go.
Hello, Jimmy Dore here.
And yes, I'm satisfied with my long distance carrier.
Jimmy!
Answer the phone for free Christ.
public schools are ignoring God.
I'm here, Bill, and who cares?
That's what public schools are supposed to do.
You're not a pagan, are you, Jimmy?
You don't believe in all this weird, wicked bull about dead people rising from a grave and burning incense while some lollipop dressed in silk robes goes around slaphammering young boys, do you?
Of course not, Bill.
Oh my God, I just described the Catholic Church.
Hoisted by my own Picard.
That's Petard, Bill.
You mean Petard, not Picard?
Are you accusing me of being drunk, Jean-Luc?
Because according to Starfleet, General Order Number One, that is not within the scope of the prime director.
Bill, even if I did believe in God, it's not the job of public schools to spread religion.
God is real, Jew boy.
For example, I am a miracle.
You follow me?
My hairline, my huge protruding forehead, the way my face lights up like a baboon's ass whenever I'm upset or sexually aroused.
These are all miracles.
Proof of God, Jesus Christ, our Lord.
And someday, after my work is done here on earth, God will call me and I shall sit at the throne of Jebus and his pet mongoose.
Sydney.
In the meantime, Satan will be juggling your mom's fun bags over a fire pit of burning nevers.
You can't prove there's a God, Bill, and you know it.
Oh, he's more proof.
Just doing this with my finger.
What the human body has to do in order to make my finger do this is pretty miraculous, right?
If there's no God, how do you explain the miracle of what I'm doing with my finger right now?
Okay, Bill, I'll bite.
What are you doing with your finger right now?
I'm flipping you the bird, Jimmy.
Flipping the bird.
You pagan ninny fonts.
Why don't you go fill your menorah with worm dust, you tree-hugging frufy fruit?
All right, calm down, Bill.
Bill, what's really bugging you?
That's why you was bugging me.
I'm sick of all the whining, Joe Buck.
I'm lonesome.
I'm lonesome, so I'm a drunk.
I'm lonesome, so I'm a dope fiend.
I'm lonesome, so I'm a thief, a fauna care, a warmonger.
Poof, I say, poo!
I've heard it all.
I'm sick of it.
Sick to death.
Yeah, I can see that.
You got a good strong back, boy.
You'll need it.
You and me are going to have fun, damn it.
Pray with me.
Say, hey, oh, why don't we get right down on our knees now?
Get down where?
Right here, Joe Buck.
I pray in the saloons.
I pray in the street.
I pray in the toilet.
He don't care where, Joe.
What he wants is that prayer.
Gonna be like money from home, Joe Buck.
Money from home.
Bill, you're completely smashed again.
I prefer to call it getting closer to God.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
I feel another prayer coming up.
Please, God, don't let me throw up again.
It's a waste of Jack Daniels.
*Loud Screams*
Sheffin Smith.
LAUGHTER Wow.
He's really going through some stuff, huh, Frank?
He was drunk.
Yeah, he sounds like he's going through some stuff.
He's having a hard time.
His wife left him for a cop.
you Hey, I want to let everybody know that Frank Coniff has his own podcast now.
It's called Pothouse 90.
And here's a quick review of it.
The first episode is hilarious satire on the absurdities of the political system as performed by the characters of The Wizard of Odd.
And there's laughs every 40 seconds.
Okay, so that's Pothouse 90.
I'll put a link up at jimmydoorcomedy.com, but you can get it at iTunes.
Okay, now let's get back to the rest of the best of 2012 from the Jimmy Door show.
So what do you guys think of any predictions coming up in 2013?
Any predictions?
It is funny to finally watch their craziness catch up with them.
I will say that about the right wing.
And the, you know, they've been not legislating and not helping the country for four years now.
Probably going probably with the previous eight, that's 12 years, that they've been literally almost doing nothing positive to help the America.
This Congress has passed less legislation than any Congress since the 1940s.
This is true.
They've done, they've been much less active.
And actually, Boehner in his acceptance speech today said, and I'm paraphrasing a little bit, but you guys know you came here to govern, right?
He said that?
Yeah, he basically said that.
You guys came here to govern.
Let's do our job.
Yeah, you can't let the country go off over the fiscal cliff.
You can't let the debt ceiling not be raised.
You can't do these things.
You have to figure out how to get these things done.
He should have followed it up with you.
But I'll be a mouthpiece for your craziness, no matter what.
I'll act like you're not the problem.
I think it's better that Boehner is in there than like Cantor or something.
Oh, yeah.
Righty, who would have been much worse?
Cantor would have been a nightmare.
Cantor would have just brought the whole government.
He may be the speaker yet, though.
What?
He may be the speaker yet.
I mean, I think Boehner is shaky.
You know, he could be, he could be out at some point.
You know, John, speaking of John Boehner, he actually called me last year, and this is what he had to say.
Jimmy Doer, this is John Boehner, the 61st Speaker of the House of the United States House of Representatives.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I just get a little emotional whenever I think about how far I've come in life.
Anyways, I was hoping I could get some time on your show to talk about this budget crisis we're facing.
I've been getting a lot of flack about my support for the joint strike fighter engine development in my home state of Ohio.
I don't need flack.
The American people don't need flack.
Listen, this recovery isn't about flack.
It's about jobs.
And this jet engine would create jobs.
Now, the Department of Defense claims this product isn't needed and is, quote, obsolete technology.
I'm sorry, but I don't remember when it was decided that the federal government is in charge of what sort of fighter jets the American people get to manufacture.
Look, I gotta call you back.
In a few minutes, I've got a meeting with the Tea Party caucus here in my office.
Just between you and me, I'm not really looking forward to this.
Last time, my secretary made the mistake of putting out shrimp cocktail for these savages.
Within 15 minutes, it looked like the Manson gang had been through here.
So I'll call you back.
Okay, so that was John Boehner.
Then he called back.
He actually has made a meeting with them, and he called back.
Jimmy Dore, John Boehner again.
Scratch that last message.
I just had a wonderful meeting with the good people of the Tea Party caucus here in my office.
And they reminded me of a number of things.
Fiscal responsibility, the Constitution, and the American way.
They also pointed out that I didn't really need that chandelier anyhow, and the books only make the fireplace burn brighter.
So, in the interest of compromise, I've decided to rescind my support for the joint strike fighter engine.
I'm also reconsidering past earmarks that Congress has fumbled through, such as the Clean Water Act, the Civil Rights Act, and the Homestead Act.
Listen, the job of the federal government is not to ensure that enfranchised minorities can frolic about a vertic landscape and improve properties west of the Mississippi.
It's to create jobs.
Don't give me any flack.
Just give me some time on your show.
Boehner out.
Sorry, but the Tea Party likes when I say that.
That was John Johnson.
It's like the more things change, the more they say the goddamn same.
Am I right?
Barack Obama, John Boehner.
He called back one last time.
Jimmy, John, scratch that last message.
I just had a meeting here in my office with Mitch McConnell and Orrin Hatch.
That reminded me that I started my career sweeping up my dad's bar in Ohio, chiseling up the dried puke of blackout drunk pipers, all the while being called John Boner by the rich kids.
So I didn't take all that flack and then work on my golf wing for 30 years to take a bunch of more flack from these tea party mebobs.
Listen, the original Tea Partiers actually drank tea.
Have you seen these people?
They should call themselves the 48-ounce Dr. Pepper Party.
Guess what?
The joint strike fighter earmark is back on, baby.
You want obsolete?
We're also buying B-1 bombers and a bunch of World War I biplanes.
Screw it.
I'm also going to order whatever those wacky things are that you see in early footage of people trying to make flying machines before the Wright brothers.
I'm showing up to Capitol Hill in a double-decker bicycle with flapping fan wings and a giant hi-hat just because I can.
And guess what, taxpayers?
You're buying me a new chandelier.
No flack.
Wow, John Boehner.
He really got it.
He really is.
He's going back and forth on this.
He really is.
Okay.
All right.
I think we got the way it.
I got a prediction.
Oh, what's your prediction?
I predict that Honey Boo Boo will get pregnant.
Oh, my God.
What is she sick?
I have some predictions, Jimmy.
Oh, well, let me hear him, Frank.
Okay, first of all, I predict in the foreseeable future, I will be available to do a lot of podcasts.
And also predicting that after the success of killing Lincoln and killing Kennedy, Bill O'Reilly will release his next book, Killing Croachy.
The assassination of Jim Croach.
And then also, I predict that at this time next year, pundits will be still predicting that Hillary Clinton is going to run for president.
Yes, I agree with those predictions.
Wow, those are some good.
I predict this year Barack Obama will successfully cut Social Security and Medicare.
And just like it took a Republican to go to China, it took a Democrat to cut Social Security and Medicare.
Okay, back in October, the federal former General Electric Chief Executive Jack Welch charged that the White House manipulated the sharp drop in the unemployment rate to help President Obama's re-election campaign, which is ridiculous.
It didn't happen, and it made him look crazy.
So we called him on the phone and we had a conversation with Jack Welch about his crazy theory about unemployment.
We're joined now by former CEO of General Electric.
It's Jack Welch.
Hey, Jack, thanks for joining us, buddy.
Jimmy, I have no idea who you are.
I have no idea why I'm here.
Thanks for having me.
Mr. Welch, I'd like to.
Please call me Jack.
Really?
No!
Of course not.
Jack Welch, I'm the most important man that ever lived.
Call me, Mr. Welch.
Get the fuck out of my office.
Sorry, I just wanted to ask you about your statement that the better than expected job numbers were cooked by Obama's team in Chicago.
You're damn right they were.
And if you haven't saw that G.E. quarterly reports when I was CEO, you'll have no doubt that I know something about cooking the books, Jimmy.
Wait, you're saying that the earnings report when you ran GE were fabricated?
I never said that!
I don't know how dare you make reckless cards without any proof!
But isn't that what you just did when you said the jobs report was fake?
That's different!
Why?
Because I'm Jack Welch!
I'm too rich to be born!
What?
You're too real kind of bold.
Don't lose it now, Jimmy.
You lose it!
You don't lose it!
You're losing it!
I'm not losing it, buddy.
I'm just asking you straight questions.
Don't lose it, Jimmy!
You're starting to remind me of Donald Trump.
Before Obama was born an American thing, I came up with it!
We were in the public whole house!
I mean, the Dumbos Conference!
And I said something about how Obama must be a foreigner because, oh, come on!
He's gone!
And the next day, I'm demue!
Trump played with it!
And he never acknowledged that it was my best!
So I did this job report truth that they got gave me before Captain Comova could steal it!
Don't lose it, Jimmy!
Don't lose it!
Mr. Welsh, I know you're super wealthy and you don't have to answer to anybody, but don't you have any qualms about any of the awful things you've done?
Hey, Jimmy, I don't.
I'm just a regular Catholic, you know, and I know that one day I'm going to have to meet my maker and, I pray every night that when that time comes, the good Lord will forgive me for my transgression!
Your transgression, you mean being a war profiteer and dishonest businessman?
No!
I mean, giving Jay Leado the tonight, Joe!
Oh, that's right.
You were the CEO of GE and GEO and NBC when all that stuff went down.
And I asked my police for absolute, Jimmy!
But he had just watched the Jay Morning segment!
And he told me there's some things that even God can't forgive, Jimmy.
Well, Jack Welch, I really appreciate you taking time out and talking with us, you know, or screaming at the top of your list and your speech and voice.
Appreciate it.
Eat my asshole, you tag-voggling shitbag!
Thank you.
No.
you you Okay, if you remember, Romney and Republicans had some horrible race baiting in this past campaign.
Romney even embraced the birthers, and Haley Barber defended it, and we had him on the show.
Hi, Jimmy.
This is Haley Barber.
I heard what you were saying earlier about me being unpaired to the president.
I'm not a racist.
Yeah, well, Haley, I know you're not a racist.
You say that, but what about those commercials that the campaign rate Romney was on stage with Donald Trump, a race baiter?
He said nobody ever asked me for my birth certificate.
The campaign has been really.
Oh, Jimmy, this is Haley Barber.
I know who it is.
I don't know if you know it, but President Obama is black.
Yeah, I know he's black, Haley.
That's what this is all about.
That makes it worse that he's black.
That's why you shouldn't be doing these things.
I know who it is.
Would you quit saying who it is?
I know who it is.
Okay.
We didn't use his skin color against him.
That would be equivalent of a political malfeasance.
You're saying that if you didn't use his skin color against him, that would be political malfeasance?
Wow.
Are you eating?
Would you quit?
What are you eating anyways?
It sounds like you're eating a turkey.
I don't know.
I'm sorry, Jimmy.
I'm just having a play to Twitch bars.
What?
Twitch bars.
Dipped in what?
Some butter.
Okay.
But, you know, you know, that accusation that you gave that he's a vulture cap, that Barack Obama paid in him, that was something that Rick Perry said.
This is Haley Marlborough.
I know.
People don't care what all of people said what about who, where, and whatnot.
Yeah, I think.
People care about the fact that President Obama is black.
Yeah, I...
He's black.
I'm black.
Would you quit eating?
Okay, you know what?
If you're not going to quit eating, I'm going to hang up.
Thanks for talking to us, Haley.
Okay, okay.
Okay, you're racist.
I'm the Harold Easter.
I'm Haley Morbor.
Okay, that was it.
Wait, what was that again?
I think that was Hayley Barber.
Will, So maybe so we can end with my favorite Arnold Schwarzenegger phone call of all time or Rip Torn.
I love Rip Torn.
Boy, that's hard.
We did Rip Torn last week.
Let's see.
Yeah, okay.
Let's do this.
Hello, Jimmy Dorr.
This is Alex Schwarzenegger.
Yeah.
This is the way everyone talks about my history of gloving women.
I've been very upset about my history of globbing women, I've admitted.
But one time, 10 years ago, I groped the lady so hard because it's made of babies.
It was a miracle.
I am discovering new ways of making human lives such as story.
Someone is talking about it.
Goodbye.
Okay.
That was a good call.
Oh, wow.
That goes back actually two years.
I went back an extra year for that.
But he kept calling you.
The voice of Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Most of the voices you heard today were performed by the one and only Mike McRae at mikemcray.com.
Check him out.
And hey, if you're in the Seattle area, I'll be doing the stand-up comedy at Laughs in Kirkland, which is just outside of Seattle.
And the end of this month, January 24, 25, 26.
That's right.
Laughs in Kirkland.
That's up in Seattle.
If you're in the Seattle area, I'll see you up there.
There's a link for that over at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And want to remind you, don't forget the big show tomorrow night at the Hollywood Improv at Melrose and Crescent Heights in West Hollywood.
We're doing the big show, big stand-up show.
Come see me, David Feldman, Paul Gilmartin doing his highly offensive but very hilarious Republican character, plus Keith Lowell Jensen will be doing his atheist comedy, plus a lot more.
There's a lot more.
Plus Steve Rosenfield will be there, Robert Yasamura, a lot of funny people on the show tomorrow night.
That's an 8 p.m. show at the Melrose Improv on Melrose and Crescent Heights.
There's links for tickets at my website, JimmyDoorComedy.com, where you can also get a podcast of today's show.
If you missed any part of today's show, there's a podcast available over there, too.
You can download for free, and you can listen to it for free over at the website, or you can get the podcast from iTunes, huh?
Okay, so today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Frank Coniff, Robert Yasamura, Jim Earl, Steph Samurano, Steve Rosenfield, and Mark Van Land do it.
And a big thank you to the gentlemen who donate their time and talent to help make the show happen.
Sean James, he's a Mac genius who fixes my computer when it doesn't work and I need to get the show done.
He's a genius.
He can fix it for you over the internet.
How do you get a hold of him?
You send him an email.
Send him an email.
MacHelp at SeanJames.com.
You spell Sean S-H-A-U-N.
Plus Don Quixote, the artist who did our caricature for the Jimmy Door show's new logo.
Don Quixote, big thanks.
Big props.
And also to Frank Pulaski, who's done, he hasn't done them in a little while.
He must be busy.
Good for him.
But he takes some of our phone calls.
He puts video to him.
We put them up on the YouTube.
And big thanks to Frank Pulaski from Dreamtime Films.
Okay, that's it for this week.
Thanks for listening.
And thanks for using the Amazon.com box and for all your donations and support.
▲
Export Selection