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Dec. 28, 2012 - Jimmy Dore Show
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The Jimmy Dore show starts right now.
This week was the last week of 2012.
This was also my last chance to call it 2012, but I'm just not ready.
Each year, the end of December inevitably makes me pause and consider the things that really matter and ask myself, why are so many jerks I know making more money than me?
But then I'm the philosophical type.
The best news of 2012, as far as I'm concerned, was President Obama's re-election, which I predicted with some confidence.
That alone, by the way, makes me smarter than Romney.
I'll bet he didn't even keep the receipt for his victory fireworks.
In the Middle East, we saw Egypt emerge from a dictatorship and move slowly and cautiously toward democracy, then move quickly past that on its way back to a dictatorship.
The Encyclopedia Britannica ceased publication of its print edition after 244 years and yet another concession to the overwhelming popularity of superstition and hearsay.
And we lost some giants this year.
George McGovern, Neil Armstrong, Phyllis Diller, Jack Klugman.
On the bright side, we still have Sid Caesar, Betty White, Kirk Douglas, Mickey Rooney, and tons of other famous people we only think are dead.
Humans are by nature hopeful creatures.
Each morning we go to work ready to be excited about life, even if it's just because somebody brought doughnuts.
Which is why we really got to lose 30 pounds.
But I can't help feeling good about 2013, because I still think I'm going to break through on Twitter.
Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
the show for the kind of people that are It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk on your TV.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's episode.
I am joined in the studio across the glass from me, former writer for The Daily Show, hilarious comedian.
It's Steve Rosenfield.
Hey, Steve, how are you?
Good, Jimmy.
Great to be here.
I liked your rant about the past years.
Thank you, very.
We finally heard it before.
Yes, before.
They don't know what we're talking about.
I'm sorry.
Hey, Robert, next to him from Team Yasamura, hilarious comedian Robert Yasamura.
Hi, Robert.
Happy New Year.
How did the Japanese celebrate Christmas?
A lot of sorrow, a lot of burning of stuff.
Yes, okay.
A lot of remembering the internments.
Across the table from him is the host of Comedy and Everything Else, our resident team at Steph Zamarano.
Hi, Steph.
How are you?
Bon Giordo.
Oh, that's not Spanish.
Okay, so this was quite a year.
We're going to take a look back this week and next week.
We're going to take a look back at the first half of 2012 this week.
And, you know, it was a week in which New York Mayor Corey Booker was hailed as a hero after saving his neighbor from a burning building.
Yeah, not to be outdone, Chris Christie ran into a bakery and saved a tray of cinnamon buns.
Oh, the humanity.
Quite a year.
Quite a year.
This was a year in which John Edwards, to save his reputation, had to prove that he didn't violate campaign finance laws while cheating on his dying wife.
Quite a year.
Quite a year.
It's a year in which the president came out of the closet as a man who supports marriage between people who've come out of the closet.
Quite a year.
Quite a year.
It was a year in which openly gay Romney aide resigned, but vowed to continue to work against the interests of openly gay people in the private sector.
Quite a year.
It's quite a year.
It was a year 2012.
It was a year in which Tennessee banned gateway sexual activity like handholding, but not gateway stupid activity like living in Tennessee.
It's quite a year.
This year is quite a year.
Quite a year.
You know, current TV fired Keith Oberman this year.
That was the year in which current TV fired Keith Oberman, sending a clear message that if you have Frank Coniff on your show, the consequences will be dire.
Quite a year.
It's quite a year, 2012.
You know, it was a year in which Mitt Romney won Michigan in the primary.
He won the Republican primary in Michigan.
This is the year that Mitt Romney did that.
He won it, proving that he's liked by 3% more of the people in his home state than a guy who's against college and contraception.
It was quite a year.
2012.
Quite a year.
2012 was the year the Komen Foundation found out that it had a lump in their mission statement.
Quite a year.
You know that, the Komen Foundation?
We're all hip on that.
All right, Riyadh.
You took me to Susan G. Cole.
Soonji G. Komen, the breast cancer people who tried to defund Plant Bay, found out they, you get it.
This is quite a year.
2012 was a year in which the federal appeals court struck down Proposition 8, threatening traditional values of bigots, busy bodies, and Republican closet cases countrywide.
It was quite a year.
It was a year in which Santorum, Rick Santorum, won over the GOP voters by convincing them that his hateful intolerance is the most sincere of all the Republicans.
It was quite a year.
Quite a year.
Okay, so let's just look back at what the Republican primary was still happening.
So that's what's coming up.
So we're going to talk about what we're going to talk about on this.
We look back.
We're going to talk about the Republican primary that was still happening at the beginning of 2012.
We'll look back at Rick Santorum.
We'll look back at Mitt Romney, some of the gaps he made at the beginning of the year and how he overcame them.
We'll talk about, plus, the Trayvon Martin shooting.
We're going to talk about that.
So there's all that coming up on today's show, and we're going to have phone calls today.
We're going to look back phone calls from Rick Perry, Ron Paul, Mitt Romney, Benjamin Netanyahu calls in today.
Bill O'Reilly calls in, drunk and sober.
And we have the listeners' complaints about the horrible comedy on KPFK.
Someone's upset about it.
And also, Rip Torn gives us his Oscar edition.
So that plus a lot, lot more on today's Look Back at 2012 on the Jimmy Dore Show.
So back in January of this year, the Republican primaries were still happening.
And so let's just sample a couple of quotes from Rick Perry during that time because it was a great sideshow.
It was one of my favorite TV shows was the Republican primary debates, right?
It was a reality show, and they made Jersey Shore look sane and respectable.
The stuff's answered God, right?
So for instance, here's Rick Perry's idea and what we should do because President Obama was following President Bush's timetable for the withdrawal of one of the most unpopular wars since Vietnam, maybe of all time, the Iraq war, right?
An illegal war, but we went in on false premises, lied to by our government.
And so here's what Rick Perry, so we were pulling out, everybody was happy.
Here was Rick Perry's idea of what we should have done with Iraq.
I would send troops back into Iraq.
Okay, there you go.
That was Rick Perry.
That was his beauty, right?
So, and then we had Rick Santorum, the sweater vest, right?
We've said this before.
He was so right-wing, he was even against contraception, yet he still wore a sweater vest.
That's a little bit of a contradiction.
So here's what Rick Sorum had to say about higher education during the Republican primaries.
Remember his target audience, okay?
Said he wants everybody in America to go to college.
What a snob.
Okay.
He still got it.
Yes.
Just a point of logic for Rick Santorum.
A true snob wouldn't want people to go to college.
They'd want the masses to stay ignorant so they could feel superior to them or exploit them.
You know, like Foster Freeze.
You know who that is, Rick Santorum?
Okay.
Okay, so that was Rick Santorum, how he felt about higher education.
And how did you guys feel about the, did you not feel that the Republican debates were some of the best viewing?
Did you watch any of it, Steve?
I couldn't bear it, but I saw so many clips and read about it that I felt that I had a good flavor of it.
Yes.
It was disturbing.
Like it wasn't really serious.
Like they couldn't.
Romney was the only viable candidate, which doesn't say much, but he was like the only one who could stand up straight and be disagree.
I thought that Newt Gingrich, it depends which you're talking about.
Right.
But there were some debates where Newt Gingrich looked like the only intelligent man on stage.
Yeah, there was, and then there was most of the other ones where his recipe to fix our economy was fire all the janitors in New York and hire some child labor.
That was the problem.
The problem with New York was janitors making too much money with a straight face.
These guys say that stuff.
I just recall that every time I would watch those primaries, I would think, oh my God, they are the party of I don't believe in science.
I don't believe in school.
Anti-intellectualism.
Oh, and I thought that is a winning ticket.
They are the party of anti-intellay.
They have been that party.
I mean, since I can, since I got to go back to my youth, when Reagan was president, I mean, he was certainly an anti-intellectual.
I mean, why do you need schools when you can just send your kids to war?
And there, yes.
Here is Rick Santorum answering the question of David Gregory: why we should be afraid of Iran getting a nuclear weapon.
Why is it that we cannot live with a nuclear Iran?
And if we can't, are you prepared to take the country to war to disarm that country?
So this is why we can't tolerate a nuclear Iran.
And this is what made the Republican primary debate so entertaining was because not only a crazy talk, but the self-contradiction, the three fingers pointing back at you, the whole thing.
Listen to Rick Santorum's reason why we can't have a nuclear Iran.
They're a theocracy.
They're a theocracy.
Rick Santorum is afraid of a theocracy.
Here we go.
A theocracy that has deeply embedded beliefs that the afterlife is better than this life.
President Abdinejad has repeatedly said the principal virtue of the Islamic Republic of Iran is martyrdom.
So when your principal virtue is to die for Allah, then it's not a deterrent to have a nuclear threat if they would use a nuclear weapon.
It is, in fact, an encouragement for them to use their nuclear weapon.
Okay, that's right.
Iran is dangerous because they organize their state around religion.
Kind of like Chris Christie complaining that Syria is dangerous because they eat too much mac and cheese.
That was the kind of crazy, right?
It's that complete total cognitive dissonance that people covering the race like to call Rick Santorum's sincerity.
They would call him sincere.
They would say he was sincere when he would say stuff like that.
Yeah, yeah, he's sincere, all right?
He's sincerely a maniac who also sincerely lacks the ability to see the sincerely farcical contradictions of his sincerely backward thinking.
They're a theocracy.
They're a theocracy with deeply embedded beliefs that the afterlife is better than this life.
Yeah, that afterlife.
You mean like heaven?
Is that what you're talking about, Rick Santorum?
The cornerstone is cornerstone.
It's martyrdom.
Almost like they worship a person who sacrificed himself for a greater good.
Seriously, this is a lot.
Yeah, this is a logic problem that should be a standardized test.
And if you don't see the problem with it, your school doesn't get federal funding.
Because seriously, what would be the point?
I think he's talking about that they're Muslims, Jimmy.
Yes, that is what he's talking about.
Right.
I think that's what he's trying to say.
If he had only put in that connecting sentence, it all would have made sense.
Yes, only Muslim religious zealots willing to die for their God are scary, not Christian religious zealots.
It's funny how it's only bad when the other guy's doing it.
So that was the problem.
That was a big problem with their, you know, I couldn't play, I could just sit here all night and play clips from that, and that could be a good show.
But so that was that was the primary.
That was fun, right?
The primary.
Let's, you know, what I actually got a phone call from Rick Perry after he dropped out of the primary.
Here's what he had to say.
Jimmy, it's El Hefe again.
Rick Perry.
I've been thinking about all the times we've had on the campaign trail.
And God, I wish I had taken more pictures.
That's the one time we all did trust exercises.
That one wanted Newt as a partner.
I don't want to ever forget that.
You know what's been a total blast these last few months?
Watching Ricky Sands.
That's what I'll call Rick Santorum.
Watching that guy trying not to say Jesus every five cents because you know it's just making him crazy.
Because look, dude, I love Mason Jesus as much as the next guy.
But Ricky Sands, he loves Jesus like Jesus had a swimmer's body.
He is really into Jesus, is what I'm saying.
Oh, man.
You know who I miss?
Shelly Bachman.
Man, she was cute.
I like the kind of crazy to guarantee she's a alien in the sack.
I mean, she said the HPV vaccine caused retardation.
Only a chick who has multiple orgasms would say something happy.
The boy, Herman Kane.
I'm telling you, man, you have a thing for her.
Whatever is the opposite of jungle fever, he had it for Shelly.
I think it's called being a black dude.
Once we were in the green room waiting for a debate, and Herman comes in naked as a jaybird.
And he's all like, oops, I just got out of the shower.
I didn't know you were here.
Hey, Michelle, you see anything you like?
It was crazy, man.
She was all like flirty with Herman.
You talked my happily married woman.
We all just lost it.
Oh, man.
Good times.
I should write a book.
I got ahead, Jimbo.
There's a trail near here named for an anti-Semitic slur.
And you know, I just got to take a walk on that.
Perry has left the building.
Okay, that was Rick Perry checking in with us after he left the race.
That was the Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And while you're over at JimmyDoorComedy.com, you can check out the new videos of our new web series that we're doing for the Young Turks Comedy Channel.
It's the Jimmy Door show.
And so they're over at the website.
Also, I want to remind you: you know, we do our live stand-up shows and we do our video show around town a couple times a month.
Well, our next show is going to be January 5th.
We're doing the big stand-up show at the improv in Hollywood, and that's at Melrose and Crescent Heights in West Hollywood.
So we're going to be doing that show January 5th.
It's an 8 p.m. show.
And if you've ever been to our stand-up shows, you know how much fun they are.
So we're going to be giving away some tickets to that show at the bottom of the hour.
So get ready for that.
So at the bottom of the hour, we're going to be giving some Jimmy Door show listeners some free tickets to come see that show January 5th.
It's an 8 p.m. show.
And if you don't get through on the phone, there's a link for tickets for that show at the website, JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Okay, now let's get back to the show.
I'm joined in studio by Steve Rosenfield, Robert Yasamer, and Steph Sam Murano.
And we're looking back at 2012.
Yeah, you know what?
We actually said, you know, Ron Paul, he runs every four years.
And, of course, it was fun to see him get booed for saying that we should practice the golden rule in our foreign policy.
If I had that clip ready, it would make it better.
We'll wait.
Okay.
Maybe I'll put that in post.
But then we actually, but you know, of course, his newsletters.
He can't get away from the newsletters, his racist newsletters.
And so actually, I sat down and had a talk with him.
Let's listen.
Okay, Dr. Paul, so you're doing really well.
You've got a third-place finish in Iowa, second-place finish in New Hampshire, and people are saying not bad.
Your message seems to be resonating, but do you think that the.
I have to ask you, and please, I'm doing it as respectful as possible.
Here we go.
Yeah, the newsletters.
No, those things.
People are saying you haven't come up with a satisfactory response about the racist things that were printed in the newsletter.
I've been dealing with this for four years.
I've addressed this years ago when this came out.
I mean, this came out when I ran the press in 2008, and it's not important.
It's not, you know, I've said those were, I disavowed those comments and those newsletters.
They don't reflect my personal beliefs, but this stuff isn't important.
What's important is my message: a smaller government, of liberty, shouldn't be having all these adventurous wars and that black people are animals.
Dr. Paul, did you just what did you just say?
Nothing.
I'm talking about how we shouldn't have all these adventurous wars.
We shouldn't be saber-rattling with Iran.
and then Jews start all the wars anyway.
We need to have a different way of conducting our sales and what's going on.
What did you did you just say something about the Jews?
What did you say?
I think I might have said something about them starting out.
Wars are actually important.
The point is we need to have a smaller government that is, you know, that is, you know, committed to liberty and personal freedom.
And Puerto Ricans can give you aid just by looking at you.
It's what's important.
Okay, I'm seeing, you know, every I keep it, it sounds like you're saying something crazy right at the end of whatever you tell me.
Okay, well, you're focusing on these things aren't important, is what I'm saying.
What I'm saying is what is important is liberty and smaller government and that Lithuanians smell like onions.
Dr. Paul, you keep saying these horrible racist things.
You said something about black.
I'm not saying these are no.
These are these.
I'm talking about smaller government.
Okay, I kind of see what your problem is going to be going forward.
But thanks for taking time to talk with us.
I thought we'd have already talked to you.
I thought we'd have already talked to you.
Okay, that was Ron Paul.
That's great.
And you know, I miss Ron Paul.
I miss him.
I miss her.
I miss the whole damn gang.
I miss Herman Kane.
I miss them.
Why can't we do this every year?
Elect the president.
Why can't we have just have debates every year with those guys?
Okay, so speaking of which, you know, Ron Paul, Benjamin Netanyahu called in earlier this year.
And so let's go, let's take a little listen to what he had to say.
Because, you know, there's a lot of heat, a lot of stuff heating up over there.
So I hear.
As opposed to when they've been having problems lately.
They've been having some problems.
So let's listen.
The founding.
Jimmy.
This is Bibi.
Bibi Netanyahu.
I'm having a lovely time visiting your country.
I'm sure many Americans turned on the telly yesterday and wondered why their president was talking to Gene Simmons at the White House.
Mr. Obama and I were having rather tense talks about your country's commitment to military intervention against Iran.
I just don't know how to get through to him.
There's an old Yiddish saying, Zo Glorisi de Oran, Zundon Gutter and Nistan.
Loosely translated.
He has such big ears, but he doesn't listen.
This is one intractable schwarza, I can tell you that.
I mean, what is the big deal?
All that we're asking is that America unleash a crippling missile strike on a nation of 79 million people, thereby radicalizing a massive generation of Muslim youth, prolonging the war on terror for another four or five decades, and destabilizing an entire region of the world to the extent that massive ground troop commitment would necessitate a draft and cause untold bloodshed and destruction in and around one of the oldest nations on earth.
On my worst enemy, I would wish this.
But we'll get our way, I have no doubts.
APAC, the Christian Right, etc.
Like I have said in the past, America is a thing easily moved.
Not so much in Israel.
You wouldn't be able to tell from the media here, but there is this annoying debate there about what sort of role we should play, what sort of relationships we should have with our neighbors.
And get this: many Israelis are opposed to preemptive war against Iran.
And I am much less popular at home with those people than I am up on that AIPAC stage here.
To be honest, I much prefer my dictatorial role in the U.S. government to my democratic Role in the Israelis.
Because in America, that's where wars are born, baby.
If you can convince a Christian fundamentalist he's on God's side, he will burn down a village full of women and children without blinking.
I've seen it.
You don't find that in many places in the Western world anymore.
But to get our way, we always have our greatest weapon.
Way more powerful than any flimsy Iranian nuk.
The word anti-Semite.
Everyone cowers before its power.
It's so loaded that it can fell even the most eloquent Goliath.
The word anti-Semite used to mean someone who hates Jewish people.
Now, it simply means a Gentile that questions anything that Israel does.
Special thanks to Alan Dershowitz and Simon Liesenthal for their excellent fieldwork on that one.
Pioneering the world of etymological warfare.
And if you object to this, that makes you an anti-semantic, anti-Semite.
You have no place in the discourse.
So unless you want to be labeled an anti-Semite, I strongly suggest you get out of our way and simply hand over your foreign policy to APAC and myself.
That's right.
Easy now.
Nobody gets hurt.
Well, no one, you know.
You Americans, you think you're so free.
Adorable.
All right, Jimmy, come visit sometime.
We miss you.
I miss your Shena Punum.
All right.
That was Benji Benjamin Netanyahu calling in.
Wow.
He's called in a few times, highlighting.
A lot of candor to that.
Yes.
Very careful.
That's why I like when you.
I trust you, Jimmy.
Oh, let me put up your mic.
When people call the show, they kind of let their guards down and you get to hear what they're really thinking.
That's the beauty of this show.
We've got, I just want to, do we have time to do this?
We got some problems last year.
Frank made a joke, and it went out on the Best of the Left show, and it was perceived to be sexist.
It was a sexist joke.
Do you remember this problem?
Well, it wasn't.
And we talked about it.
It was a big deal.
And someone from China called in to make fun of it.
It was a Caucasian, an Anglo in China, and he called in to say he was disgusted and compared it to Rush Limbaugh.
And anyway, so I went through the archives, Eric Cave.
I'm figuring, wow, there must be a lot of lefties that are like that KPFK.
So we went through the archives and we got some complaints of people from years ago that they've saved here in the KPFK archive.
So here's one.
Here's what I just got, right?
So they've tried comedy here quite many times here, but here we go.
Yes.
Hello.
I would let you complain about something I heard on the radio there.
You had a gentleman on, a so-called comedian named Henny Youngaman.
I'm sure you're familiar.
Well, I was extremely offended by his act.
At one point, he literally implored the crowd, the audience, to quote, take his wife.
She's some sort of property or travel that can just be passed off to disinterested, drunken comedy club people, like in the Middle Ages.
I was deeply and very deeply hurt about this.
It takes women's rights back for so many years.
It just, it's a reminder of a dark time, and it's very disgusting that you, a radio station that I associate with a progressive view of the world, would have the barbarian on to tell his quote-unquote one-liner.
Okay, that was an old complaint that lefty.
The lefties, they're not good with the comedy.
They don't get it.
I got another complaint.
Oh, really?
Did you ever hear this one?
This is another complaint I got, right?
Yes.
Hello.
I'm a member of the KPFK Film Club.
And we recently went upon KPFK's recommendation to go see a Marks Brothers movie called A Day at the Races.
Perhaps you're familiar with it.
Well, I have never been more offended by a movie in my entire life.
My first cousin, once removed, is mute.
Okay.
So I know people in my family who are unable to talk.
And unlike this Harpo Marx character in the movie, people who suffer from this disability have a real dignity and integrity and souls, just like everyone else.
They do not run around honking a horn.
Okay.
Involve themselves in scams and chase women indiscriminately.
And they certainly don't have curly hair.
Okay.
I was so offended by this film.
I can't even, I can't even.
Oh, I'm just.
And not to mention the brutality of horse racing itself.
What an unnecessary thing.
I was very offended.
But the only saving grace for this film was when they got in blackface and did the Mammy songs.
I really enjoyed that little sequence.
That was fun.
Anybody, I'm still angry.
Goodbye.
Bye.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Happy holidays, podcast listeners.
And I'm glad you enjoyed the Christmas song I put at the end.
A lot of people, at the end of last episode, people were, hey, who was that Christmas song?
What's the name of it?
It's called The Christmas Song, and it's by Susie Asado.
Susie Asado.
And so there you go.
I enjoyed it.
How did you enjoy your Christmas?
People, you know, it's always a big problem.
Who are you going to spend Christmas with?
Your family, your wife's family, how are you going to Christmas Eve here?
Christmas Day.
But I was lucky enough to have a falling out with my family this year, right before Christmas.
So it went really easy.
So anyway, I hope you enjoyed your Christmas.
And I want to let you know that the Jimmy Door show, you know, it's made possible by the generous donations of our listeners and all the people who used our Amazon.com box to help support the show.
How do you do that, Jimmy?
It doesn't cost you anything.
That's why I tell you about it every week.
It's right on the front page of the Jimmy DoorComedies.com.
Next time you want to buy something from Amazon, you go there, you click on the box, it takes you to Amazon, and when you buy something, they pay us some money, 6%, I think.
So it doesn't cost you anything and it helps support the show.
It doesn't change the way you shop there.
It's a big win for everybody.
So thanks for helping support the show.
Plus, you can make donations right over at jimmydoor.comedy.com.
And then Steph will send you something nice in the mail, a CD or a DVD.
We Really appreciate that your support throughout the whole year.
Bigger and better things are coming in 2013.
We're going to start doing this show more frequently, more than once a week.
Isn't that good news?
And we're going to start doing more things on YouTube, more things on YouTube.
A lot of exciting things happening at the Jimmy Doer Comedy Empire, okay?
So thank you for listening, the podcast listeners.
You know, you're my favorite listeners.
I'll see you guys January 5th for that big show at the improv.
There's links over at jimmydoorcomedy.com.
That's the 8 p.m. show with the Hollywood Improv, Saturday, January 5th.
Okay, but right now, let's get back to the second half of the show, shall we?
Hi, welcome back to the Jimmy Doer show.
We're taking a look back at 2012.
I'm joined in the studio.
Frank Connoff is not with us.
He's usually here.
He's busy tonight with show business.
Show business happens.
And also, but I have across the glass from me, we have a former writer for the Daily Show and hilarious comedian Steve Rosenfield is with us.
And next to him, a hilarious comedian from Team Yasamura.
It's Robert Yasamura.
Also, the host of Comedy and Everything Else, the popular comedy podcast.
It's our resident Latina, Steph Samurano, is with us.
And yes, so we have a lot of very multicultural, we have a very multicultural crew in here today.
We have a white guy, a Jewish guy, a Japanese guy, and a Latina, huh?
Try to find that.
We're mixing each show.
MSNBC doesn't have it like that, right?
And our board operator is African-American, right?
So there we go.
Yes, D'Angelo Jones.
So, okay, so we're looking, we're going to look at back at 2012 right now.
We're going to show say Mitt Romney had some problems.
He had some gaps, right?
I don't know.
Do you remember when he said this last year?
Concerned about the very poor.
We have a safety net there.
If it needs a repair, I'll fix it.
Yeah, he's not concerned about the very poor.
They're doing great.
Very poor, doing fantastic.
Don't get any more money than they ever have.
Don't need any poor.
That's good.
Who did he want to help?
I'm concerned about the very heart of America, the 90-95% of Americans who right now are struggling.
95% is in the middle class.
So the people who are struggling aren't the poor.
It's the people who have a little bit more money than the poor.
The poor aren't struggling.
They're doing great.
The middle class are struggling to spend all that money.
What are they going to spend it?
The people with more money.
It actually turned out he was concerned about 53% of the country.
Turns out just 53%.
Yes.
53%.
And so he went on to make even more.
Remember, this was my favorite one.
I was born and raised here.
I love this state.
It seems right here.
The trees are the right height.
I like seeing the lakes.
I love the lakes.
Okay.
All right.
That was great.
Yeah, the trees were the right height.
And then he's trying to connect with people.
He's trying to let them know.
This is how he connects with people.
God, can you imagine being his kid and having your father tell you I love you and going, I don't believe it.
I don't buy it.
This doesn't feel right.
What do you want from me?
What do you want?
I like the way you catch the ball out there, son.
You got the right height.
You got the mid on the right hand and then you catch it.
Dad, you're saying all the right things, but I still don't feel loved and I don't know why.
I like children.
I like you.
You're my child.
I like children.
And my kids are all the right height.
And so here's how he here's one he wants to, you know, when you, if you're a Republican, you have to peel a pair like a regular person.
And the way you do that is you say you love NASCAR, right?
Because that's a very blue collar.
Right.
And it's very Republican.
And so here's, he couldn't actually say he liked NASCAR, but he did say this.
Not as closely as some of the most hard and fast, but I have some great friends that are NASCAR team owners.
So he had some friends who are night.
They owned a few NASCARs.
So that's how he connects with the NASCAR crowd.
And so, Mitt, do you have a problem with people connecting?
I don't think that I have any challenge whatsoever connecting with people on an emotional level.
No, no, not at all, Mitt.
Not at all.
See, the problem.
See, I think the problem.
Well, first of all, let me hear from Mitt because Mitt called me back in January.
So let's hear from him, okay?
Hi, Mitt.
It's Jimmy Door from the Jimmy Door show.
Thanks for taking time.
Oh, hi, Jimmy Doer.
Hi, Mitt Robbins.
Good to talk to you.
How are you?
I'm doing good.
I understand you had a little problem with the gaffe again.
Oh, oh, that's just a bunch of nonsense.
I said something about having the ability to fire people and how I liked having that ability.
And then people took that all out of context.
Oh, is this my coffee?
You know what?
That's not as warm as I like it, actually.
You're fired.
Anyway, Jimmy, it wasn't a big deal.
Let's take it out of context.
Did you just fire someone?
Oh, someone brought me coffee.
My coffee boy brought me coffee, and it wasn't to my liking.
So, yes, I fired him.
It sounded like you enjoyed doing it.
Oh, yeah, I did.
Oh, it felt good.
Oh, actually, hold on.
We're at our stop here.
All right.
Thank you.
Yes.
Yes.
Here we.
Yeah.
Looks like.
Okay.
We're about 30 seconds later than we were told we were going to be.
Fire this driver.
Driver?
Driver.
Don't fire him.
In the hat.
Yes, yes.
Don't turn all the way around.
Look at me in the eye.
Are you fired?
I'm fired.
Okay.
Mitt, you can't be fired.
I'm done.
You go to hell and get out.
I'll get in and get out of here.
Wow.
Okay.
So anyway, what was I saying?
So, Mitt, you just seem like you're firing people left and right today.
Well, you got to do it.
I've got to admit, it feels good.
It feels good to fire people.
It gives me a stiffy.
Have your mommy and daddy explained to you the stiffy is, Jimmy?
Yes, yes.
My mommy, I'm 46.
My mommy and daddy explained to me what the stiff is.
Yeah, you're probably old enough.
My parents waited until I was 35.
So I fired them.
Can you fire your parents?
Yes, as stiffy explainers.
They're required.
Okay.
So anyway, yes.
So we're on the campaign trail and we're busting our pumps to get from place to place.
And, you know, it's got to be a well-oiled machine.
I hear you.
And if people don't do their job, they're fired.
Oh, here, here, let's do a firing live.
My assistant is helping me put on my overcoat here.
Okay, there's one arm.
Switch the other arm.
Oh, hey, what's that?
Is this sleeve all folded up?
So it's hard for me to get my arm through it while you hold it?
Don't do it, Mitt.
You're fired.
Mitt.
Get out of here, fuckface.
Come on, Mitt.
Now see what happens is my next assistant will make sure that they know that beeswax is to help me put on my overcoat and have all the sleeves perfectly stretched out.
So when I put my hand through them, it slides through the Italian silk of the hip-lining flawlessly.
I can't have my sleeves all folded up.
It sounds like you're going to have a hard time turning this gaffer out.
I don't see why you would say that.
I really don't think you're getting it, Mitt.
And I just don't, I think you need some better advice.
Oh, is that how you feel?
Well, how about this?
You're fired, Jimmy.
You can't fire.
I'm firing you from this phone call.
Mitt, you can't fire me from a fire.
So are all those fellas in your studio.
You can't.
What are you doing?
I'm talking to you, Connor.
Okay, Mitt.
It's been a pleasure.
See you later.
I fire chumps like every day.
Okay, that was.
Well, of course, that was in response to his gaff, right?
So he doesn't have any problem connecting with people, but we do know that he did say this, right?
It also means that if you don't like what they do, you can fire them.
I like being able to fire people who provide services to me.
Okay, see, so that was him trying to connect with people, and then the backfired, and that was him trying to be a good Republican, right?
Because for free market, and I can fire people, and that's how everything's great because of competition, which works sometimes, but not for all things.
So he got caught with that gaffe, right?
That he likes to fire people.
And here's how he tried to make up for it.
You know what it's like to worry whether you're going to get fired.
There were a couple of times I wondered whether I was going to get a pink slip.
Yeah, okay.
So I realized I never had a job.
So stop worrying about it.
I'm an owner society.
The problem with Mitt Romney was not only that he couldn't connect with regular people, but that in the middle of the worst economic downturn ever, he was a symbol of the people who ruined our economy.
In fact, here's Newt Gingrich kind of laying it out for us.
Create a business, grow jobs, provide leadership.
I'm not nearly as enamored of a Wall Street model where you can flip companies, you can go in and have leverage buyouts, you can basically take out all the money leaving behind the workers.
Well, I think you have to look at the film.
You have to look at the New York Times coverage of one particular company, and you have to ask yourself some questions.
The governor has every right to defend that.
But I think it's a legitimate part of the debate to say, okay, on balance, were people better off or were people worse off by this particular style of investment?
The funny thing was that of all the people to take Romney down, it wasn't Newt Gingrich.
It wasn't David Gregory.
It wasn't Rick Perry.
It wasn't anybody.
It wasn't Ron Paul.
It was Jay Leno, ladies and gentlemen.
If you remember, he went on Jay Leno and they were talking about health care.
And let's listen.
Keep them forgetting.
What about pre-existing conditions?
And so that's the thing.
I mean, I know people who could not get insurance up until this Obamacare, and now they're covered in pre-existing conditions.
I mean, to me, that's children also.
It seems like children and people with pre-existing conditions should be covered.
Yeah.
Well, people who have been continuously insured, let's say someone's had a job for a while, been insured, then they get real sick, and they happen to lose a job or change jobs.
They find, gosh, I got a pre-existing condition.
I can't get insured.
I'd say, no, no, no.
As long as you've been continuously insured, you ought to be able to get insurance going forward.
You have to take that problem away.
You have to make sure that legislation doesn't allow insurance companies to reject people.
So he's not addressing the problem, of course.
And Jay Leno, Jay Leno, for God's sake, catches him on this.
Jay Leno, let's let him do his work.
Take the law stand for children and people with pre-existing conditions.
People with preexisting conditions, as long as they've been insured before, they're going to be able to continue.
Yeah, but what if you weren't able to get insurance?
Like he just said, you lose your job, you lose your insurance.
Now you have a pre-existing condition and you don't have insurance.
That's what he's talking about.
Jay Leno gives it to him.
They have insurance.
Well, suppose they were never insured.
Well, if they're 45 years old and they show up and they say, I want insurance because I've got a heart disease, it's like, hey, guys, we can't play the game like that.
You've got to get insurance when you're well.
You'll have to die.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We can't.
You've got a heart.
Yeah, you got a bad heart.
You're 45 years old.
It's your heart's fault.
Sorry, we can't play the game that way.
It's not the kind of game where you compete for prizes and at the end, Pets Ajax sends you on a cruise.
No, it's the kind of game where you get sick, go broke, and then die for lack of funds.
It's that kind of game.
Games of aka the worst healthcare system in the industrialized world.
It's that kind of...
Jay, let me see how it ends.
Yeah, but there are a lot of people that...
And then they get to be 30, 35.
They were never able to get insurance before.
Now they have it.
That seems like a good thing.
We'll look at a circumstance where someone was ill and hasn't been insured so far.
Jay Leno is kicking your ass on a topic from a guy who was the governor of a state, one of the few states that enacted universal health care.
Jay Leno is now kicking your ass.
A backward, a non-reader.
Not Jay Leno, not a reader.
Let's go to Trayvon Martin, right?
So Trayvon Martin, let's just remember, it highlighted the Stand Your Ground Law, which was passed in Florida, which was a legislative agenda set by ALEC, the right-wing organization, right?
So it's very pro-gun, which means they're pro-gun manufacturer, not Second Amendment.
The people who are pro at the NRA and ALEC, they're pro-gun manufacturers.
They're not pro-Second Amendment.
There's no virtue in what they're doing, right?
So under the old law, people could use deadly force in self-defense only if they had tried to run away or otherwise avoid the danger.
But under this new law, there is no duty to retreat.
And it gives a Floridian the right to stand his or her ground and meet force with force, including deadly force, if you feel threatened, right?
Florida was the first state to pass the stand your ground law, which has been dubbed shoot first law by gun control advocates.
Bill O'Reilly actually called in to defend George Zimmerman and the Stand Your Ground Law.
Let's listen.
Jimmy Dore, Bill O'Reilly.
Hey, I've been listening to what you and your pinhead friends have been saying about the Trayvon Martin case.
And I have to say, there's absolutely no substance to your argument.
It's like you've ended this discussion completely unarmed with only an iced tea and a bag of Skittles to back you up while me and my pal Bernie Goldberg are coming in, gone to blaze and chasing you and your lousy reasoning down and shooting at McGutt.
Hey, that's a pretty good metaphor.
I don't know how I came up with it.
You can see why I'm such a successful author.
Anyway, I'm standing my ground on the stand, your ground wall.
It's one of the best laws ever passed.
It protects defenseless Americans with nothing to protect them but a fully loaded gun from innocuous black teenagers who rampage into our communities with nothing on their minds but buying things at convenience stores.
But if you and your progressive pinhead pals had your way, a black kid in a hoodie would be entitled to any item in any store just because he paid for them.
What kind of a jungle would we be living in if we allowed that to happen?
Yeah, you're right.
I said jungle.
Jimmy, Ray shouldn't even be a part of this discussion.
As my good friend Bernie Goldberg said, if this had been a black guy shooting a black guy, no one would have thought anything of it because the black guy doing the shooting would have been arrested and or killed.
Bernie didn't mention that last part because he doesn't believe in race baiting.
And by that, I mean he doesn't believe in mentioning race when it's pertinent to a news story.
That's just the kind of stand-up guy Barney is.
And by the way, Jimmy, I've never advocated violence against black people.
The only person I ever encouraged my listeners to go kill was abortion doctor George Tiller.
Oh my God.
So when it comes to stirring up hate crimes, I am completely colorblind.
Look, Jimmy, just because a disproportionate number of black people are arrested, there's no reason to think that a disproportionate number of black people are arrested.
The numbers just don't add up unless you add up the numbers.
Boy, sometimes I'm so brilliant it's scary.
You wouldn't want to run into my big imposing brain on a dark night in a gated community.
I'll tell you that much.
Well, Jimmy, I gotta go.
Bernie Goldberg and I are doing a segment on why everyone refers to Motown Records as a black record label, even though all the music that was made there was black music.
Really?
Come on, why bring race into it?
And Bernie points out, calling Motown music black music is just another example of racism towards white people.
So long, Jagoff.
Okay, that was Bill.
Jimmy Dore, it's Bill Riley.
Hey, stop ragging on Mitt Romney's religion, okay?
He has every right to be a Mormon.
Yeah, I know it's a weird, creepy cult, but the Bible tells us that we should respect the beliefs of any man who can take the presidency away from Barack Obama.
That's right.
It's holy scripture, Jagoff.
Look, spiritually speaking, I'm a more traditional guy than Romney.
I'm a Roman Catholic, which has celibate treats, nuns married to God, cardinals and bishops walking around in medieval robes while they espouse a theology based on a virgin birth and a talking snake.
But not all religions are as sane and rational as that.
So we've got to cut Romney some slack for his cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs fake.
And Jimmy, when you lose a liberal podcast, Pinhead Friends, stop giving Mitt such a hard time for strapping his dog to the roof of his car.
I didn't hear any of you raise a fuss when Uncle Jed, Ellie Mae, and Jethro strapped Granny Clampett in her rocking chair to the roof of their truck when they drove to California.
No, they lived in Beverly Hills, and everything that happens there is just fine with you elitist snobs.
We doggy, that makes me mad.
And speaking of wee doggies, I put my dog on the roofs of so many of my cars that I named them roofies.
And I'll tell you something: women are supposed to be such sensitive animal lovers, but all my female segment producers are selfish and refuse to look after my dog for me.
Whenever I say I want to give them roofies for the weekend, they flinch in horror and call up human resources.
I don't get it.
Look, Mitt was lifting up his dog the same way he wants to lift up our economy.
He wants to take the poor and the middle class and strap them to the roof of the luxury car that is America.
Then the lower classes will finally be on top, just like Mitt's dog, cold and frightened, with bugs, dirt, and oil fumes hitting their faces at 70 miles an hour, while our switch guys are safely seated in the climate-controlled comfort of the car, enjoying the spectacular scenery made even more beautiful by the Keystone pipeline.
Well, that's it for me.
I'm out of here.
Go to hell, Jimmy.
Okay, Bill O'Reilly.
Let's see.
You know, I was going to do that seat pack comedian, but we don't have time.
Well, we definitely have to do Riptorn.
Rip Torn.
Okay, so let me do one Bill O'Reilly drunk, and then we'll do Rip Torn, okay?
Okay.
Damn it, Jimmy Dore.
Answer the phone.
Hello, this is Jimmy.
Answer the phone, you coward.
I don't want to draw your damn machine.
It's not a machine, Bill.
It's me, Jimmy Dore.
Damn it, Jimmy Dore, answer the phone.
Bill, have you been drinking?
Define have you been?
Okay, I'm hanging up.
No, I have not been drinking Jimmy Dore's answering machine.
You know, I'm on step eight of the program.
I'm glad to hear that, Bill.
What's step eight?
Drinking.
Woo!
In the machine space door.
If only you were there, because then you'd feel the full force of my righteous outrage.
Okay, I'll bite.
What's the problem now?
Millionaire public school teachers living off our time, raiding the corpus, getting a free ride, robbing a spline, taking my blowjob money.
In other words, they paid way, way, way, way, way too much.
And for what?
I said, way, five times, Jimmy.
But, Bill, the average public school teacher gets around $35,000 a year working in crumbling schools and overcrowded classrooms.
Don't they deserve our respect and better pay?
Wait a minute.
This isn't your answering machine, is it?
No, Bill.
Listen, and listen carefully.
Whoever or whatever you might be, the only people who deserve the money they earn are the ones who inherited it.
And all said.
But, Bill.
When my dad put me through that private Roman Catholic high school years ago, I never thought, I never thought Sister Mary John Wayne gave his head.
Well, holy crap, I think I drank some of those bass salts.
Seriously.
Okay, Bill, I gotta go.
Listen, it's been nice.
Jimmy, wait.
Two two's walk into a bar and the disloyal.
Heard that one from Richard Nixon.
Okay.
Ha ha ha Ha ha ha No, don't leave me alone with my thoughts.
All right, goodbye.
Goodbye, Bill.
I'm eating my face!
He was drunk.
Oh, he was drunk.
Okay, so I will do the rip.
So Rip Torn.
Okay, so he had a big, we have to pick one that he did from the first part of the year.
So here's his Riptorn Oscar edition.
You want to hear that one?
That's all I'm going to hear.
Okay, here we go.
It's Riptorn, Hollywood Drunk Take, Oscar Edition.
I know what's up at the Oscars.
Happy Thursday, dummies.
Have you recovered from Hollywood's biggest night?
Me neither.
I had to eventually have a second urethra surgically installed to drain out all the Corbell champagne and wolf brown chili I ingested.
I walked from home.
I haven't been invited since 1983.
But I kept interrupting the best editing award presentation from Jeff Bridges by yelling seriously, what the fuck is a Tron.
But what a show.
The inimitable Billy Crystal was the host, presumably because Foster Brooks was unavailable.
Right out of the gate, good old Billy updated his act with some minstrelsy, introducing himself with a Sammy Davis Jr. impression to an entire new generation of viewers who don't know who Sammy Davis is.
Good call.
Too bad the showrunners had to eventually cut his entire Engelbert Humperdinck chunk.
Ha ha ha!
The artist swept the awards.
Best actor Jean Dujardin gave an emotional, effusive acceptance speech off that reminded us why Hitler was able to have his picture taken in front of the Eiffel Tower two days after leaving Berlin.
Fucking frogs.
It was about all I could handle seeing all those goddamn snail suckers prancing around the stage like cirque du Soleil.
Jesus Christ, isn't that what the golden globes are for?
Next year, let's just put a bouncy castle full of foreigners off to the side of the stage and be comfortable.
Angelina Jolie's prominent leg was the talk of the town.
And I'm not saying that Angelina's frame is angular, but I think an entire nation of young boys just got interested in trigonometry.
What's the deal with these body broads anyway?
When I was young, well-fed, met well-bred.
Hell, I prefer that bridesmaids girl over homewrecker voig any day.
Just by two sets.
But the real parties are after the ceremony.
And that brings us to the Sean Young incident.
I would just like to say, first off, look, we joke a lot on Rip Torn's Hollywood drug tank, making hay out of the substance abuse problems of Hollywood's brightest, as well as the vaguely lucent and almost extinguished.
All in good fun.
But holy shit, this woman has problems.
Sean Young is the Kaiser Soze, a batshit Hollywood alcoholic.
Inspector rarely seen and never trifled with.
All of us at the Jimmy Dore show and the Hollywood drunk tank would love to see the lovely and talented Ms. Young find the help she needs.
But with that said, let's have some fun.
The Johnny Cash B-side notice a girl named Sean decided to fuck up the governor's ball on Sunday night by sneaking in uninvited and slapping a security guard when she got caught.
That's how you swig it, sister.
They hauled her ass to jail.
But my girl's no stranger to the hoose cow.
I can attest to that personally.
About 15 years ago, she and I used to run around Hollywood drinking together.
They called us Young and Torn.
One night at Chicago, we were out in the courtyard getting fucked up.
And I dared her to squat over the table next to us and piss all over Jerry Bruckheimer's palm fritz.
She balked.
And I said, quit being a replicant and start being a replicant.
She started laughing so hard she pissed all over herself, ruining the dare.
I stood up.
Everyone saw her no pants on, so I started pissing also.
I think it was to make her feel better.
Anyway, there was a commotion.
I seem to remember Terry Garr crying, and we both ended up in jail.
Yeah, those were the days.
I hope she's well.
Sean Young, I mean, not Terry Garr.
Bitch.
Anyway, kitties, this is Riptor saying, celebrities, they're just like you, except drunk and fucking beautiful.
I know what's up at the Oscars.
All the voices today performed by the inimitable Mike McRae at mikemcray.com, huh?
Today's show was written.
That's right.
There was a lot of stuff written today.
It was written by Steve Rosenfield, Frank Honiff, Mark Van Landuit, Robert Yasimura, Steph Samurano, and yours truly.
Okay.
And I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening and for your support all through 2012.
We look forward to you listening and supporting in 2013.
Yes, we do.
Do you, Jim?
Do you look forward to it?
Yes, I really do.
So thank you for listening.
I'm glad everyone who loves the show so much.
And thanks for spreading the word and letting people know about the show.
And like I said before, we're onward and upward to bigger and better things in 2013.
And I just want to thank you guys for listening and making this all possible.
And I also want to thank Sean James for his help.
High donates his time and his talent.
He's a Mac genius.
He keeps my Macintosh computer running so I can get the show done.
And if you have any trouble at all with your Macintosh, he'll fix it for you right over the internet.
You just contact him, send him an email at MacHelp at SeanJames.com.
And you spell Sean S-H-A-U-N.
Also, want to thank Don Quixote for the caricature.
He does great artwork.
He does make a caricature of me we use for the Jimmy Dorse show.
Big thanks to Don Quixote and also Frank Pulaski for all the videos he's done for us over the years.
So from Dreamtime Films, Frank Pulaski, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year.
Okay, we'll see you guys next week, right?
Until then, you'll be...
That's the Saturday after New Year's.
We're going to be at the improv doing the big stand-up show.
Links available at the website.
Okay, until then, until next week, this is Jimmy Dore saying you be the best you can be, and I'll keep being me.
You This Christmas, I'm staying in bed.
I haven't had a good sleep in a while.
And I think this Christmas is what it will take to make up all those hours I've lost doing nothing.
Nothing at all.
For if you sleep on Christmas, those hours of sleep are worth thousands.
If you sleep on Christmas, those hours of sleep are worth thousands.
I never have time because the days are so short.
Especially in Berlin when you think it's night at 4 p.m.
And I'm always running around catching colds and trains and I'm late for various appointments and the assortment of chaos of my everyday life is like a sampler of this and that with nothing to show for at the end of the day.
All I have is one big sleep deficit.
A giant debt that can never be paid.
It can never be paid back.
Except if you sleep on Christmas, those hours of sleep are worth thousands.
If you sleep on Christmas, those hours of sleep are worth thousands.
I will go to one of those sleep labs where the scientists will monitor the many levels of deep sleep that I willingly descend to.
While cables and devices are attached to my body, a tangled mess of interconnectedness that's not very sexy.
But despite all the beeping, monitoring machinery, I sleep like a baby and I dream of Santa being mean to me because I forgot all the lyrics to a tannenbauman silent night.
And angels started singing and flying around my head.
This is when I yell at them: Go away, I'm not dead.
I'm just having a good sleep.
That is long overdue.
When I'm through with this ordeal, I will have paid back my debt.
Every hour, minute, and second of it.
And I will be set for the rest of my life with all the sleep I'll ever need.
It will be like betting on the right horse.
It will be like winning the lottery.
It'll be like winning the lottery.
Because if you sleep on Christmas, those hours of sleep are worth thousands.
Because if you sleep on Christmas, those hours of sleep are worth thousands.
If you sleep on Christmas, those hours of sleep are worth thousands.
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