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Nov. 16, 2012 - Jimmy Dore Show
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The Jimmy Dore show starts right now.
This week, while Republicans were still trying to explain why they lost the election, Mitt Romney told a group of donors that it was because President Obama promised black, young, and Hispanic voters free health care in perpetuity, college loans, and amnesty for illegal immigrants.
Not once while explaining his defeat did Romney even mention incompetence, delusion, or his personality.
As President Kennedy once said of Richard Nixon, he went out the way he came in, no class.
Though often accused of inconsistency during the campaign, Romney instinctively circled back to his now classic 47% argument that worthless freeloaders found Obama's bribes irresistible.
Of course, that is now up to about 51% with 332 electoral votes.
Romney insisted that unlike Obama, who made shameless appeals to specific interest groups, Romney had wanted to deal with big issues like getting rid of Planned Parenthood, Medicare, and the minimum wage.
Paul Ryan, who also didn't pick this week, to become honest, seemed to think the defeat boiled down to an unexpectedly large urban vote, meaning that if black voters do nothing else, they'll always show up to vote for a black president, sometimes weeks in advance, and especially after church.
Many other Republicans have been more pragmatic about their image problem.
For the first time in four years, they appear to be willing to accept Obamacare and negotiate on immigration and tax increases.
And bitterly, they blame Romney for being a terrible candidate because with a better one, they wouldn't have had to make those concessions.
Romney, for obvious reasons, has decided to go on being full of crap in perpetuity.
I doubt anybody will read his next book.
Let's quit talking about him.
That's it.
Thank you.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
the show for the kind of people that are It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's our popular T-Value.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's episode.
I am joined in studio from across the glass from me, hilarious comedian from Team Yasamur.
It's Robert Yasamura.
Hi, Robert.
Hello.
Next to him, hilarious comedian Forber writer for the Daily Show.
It's Steve Rosenfield.
Hey, Steve.
Hey, Jimmy.
Great to be here.
Good to have you.
Across from him, former writer for The Daily Show, Emmy Award-winning writer and Peabody Award-winning writer and the author of Morning Remembrance.
I wanted to have an Emmy, by the way.
I know.
We all have.
It's for sale.
How much you charge for it?
So are you?
I'll take a nice meal.
Okay.
That's Jim Earle.
How are you, Jim?
I'm great, and how are you?
Look forward to hearing some of your morning remembrances later on in the show.
All right.
Those are funny, by funny, what do they call them, Jim?
Funny obituaries of real dead people.
A collection of mocking obituaries ripped from the deadlines.
Next to him, a host of Comedy and Everything Else, our resident Latina at Steph Zamarano, Ola Steph.
Oh, Ola.
I beat you to the audience.
Oh, stop.
All right, let's do.
Let's do a few jokes before we get to the jokes.
Literally two jokes.
Did you hear Justin Bieber's breaking up with Selena Gomez?
What?
I have a feeling that it's just so he doesn't have to answer any questions about Benghazi.
You see how I leaned into Benghazi?
You can't see at home, but I leaned in Benghazi.
He was negligent on that whole thing.
He was.
And we're going to tell, you know what?
A lot of news happening about General Petraeus, his biographer.
You know, when I tried to take my biographer on a date, she said, I just came for dinner not to hear your fing like story.
That's funny.
That's not a very good biographer.
No, that's not a good biographer.
You're supposed to be interested in your whole life.
So what's coming up on today's show?
We're going to talk about, again, the many more reasons the GOP seems to be giving for why they lost the election handedly.
They have a lot of reasons why they lost.
None of them accurate.
None of them would be because their ideas are bad and their candidate was fatally flawed.
Okay, plus we're going to hear from Mitt Romney's met at the 47% again.
Rush Limbaugh contradicts himself.
Get out of here.
No kidding.
Brian Williams talks about Donald Trump's tweets.
And the Republicans regroup.
We see how what they talk about on Fox News.
And we covered General Petraeus and the military royalty.
Plus, we got phone calls today coming in from Luke Russert.
No good.
Oh.
Barack Obama.
And we get a good phone call from Jack Welch later on in the show.
He calls in to let us know about the election.
That's all today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
Time for another installment of Oh My God.
This is Reverend Jesse Lee Peterson.
He's a Tea Party activist that has appeared on the Sean Hannity Fox News show several times.
And he's also a founder of an organization where Sean Hannity serves as an advisory board member.
This is all true.
I like his resume.
And so here's, so he's got a great resume, right?
So he's here we and here we go.
I realize that one of the primary reasons is that it is over for America if we call women are taking over.
Women are taking over.
Watch out.
Okay, this is true.
This is a real guy from Sean Hannity sits on this guy's board.
He's been on Sean Hannity.
He's a reverend.
Here we go.
So-called powerful positions.
They're now running companies.
They're making decisions.
And not all, not all, not all.
Let me say not all.
So that Casino Ronnie Ronne gave me a funny faith now.
He said, not all women, right?
But he looks at another woman in the audience.
He goes, she just gave me a funny face.
Not all women.
When I say not all.
I don't understand.
Okay, here we go.
Thank you.
But not all.
There are some, a few out there that are logical women can make sound decisions, but most cannot.
Wow.
Yes.
As evidenced by the fact that they are sitting in the pews in front of you.
They certainly, those women are making some very bad decisions.
Wow.
And the unfortunate thing is that they're in powerful positions.
They're running businesses and things like that.
And the one thing I know for sure.
For sure.
Without a doubt?
For sure.
I think it's fauci.
Women cannot handle power.
It's not in them to handle power in the right way.
They don't know what to do with it.
And then secondly, it's not real power anyway.
Power that the world give you is not power.
No.
It's all ego building.
The real and true power come from God, and God is the one that gave man the power and the authority.
Yes!
Oh, my God.
God made me better than women, and that's not ego.
And if women get power, that's just their ego.
I got God power.
God made men better.
I think he's kind of right, though, because when I have power, I don't know what to do with it.
You don't know what to do with it.
You don't know what to do right now.
You're so stupid.
I want to know what nurse gave him that bottle of second ol.
It was.
Hey, God, he's got a little bit more.
Wife, and to spiritually guide the world in the right way to go.
And I realize that men made mistakes in the past, but real.
Most men did not make mistakes in the past.
What?
Oh, this is fun.
When men were in charge, things were tougher, you know, and more solid.
Men are more solid.
And it's not like that anymore.
Nope.
And the one thing I realized that the world has done to women, women have been degraded.
Women are now.
Not like how you're degrading them.
It's got nothing to do with you saying that they're not good.
They're not as smart.
God made them inferior.
It's got nothing to do with that.
Women, how are women degraded, Pastor?
Degraded.
They have no shame.
There's a woman from Georgetown University.
And I know you heard about this story.
She testified before a committee about condoms and birth control and all that kind of stuff.
And in her testimony, she said that women need, and I'm paraphrasing because I don't have all her exact words.
Yeah, I don't have the facts.
I don't have, I'm going to talk about this.
I don't have a quote from her.
I'm just going to make up some stuff.
Here we go.
Women need to be able to get free birth control, free condoms, and things like that.
She said that it's not right that a woman can't get it, especially if they're in college and stuff like that.
And she said that women in college is spend up to $3,000 on birth control and condoms and things like that.
A person.
A person per person.
This woman's.
And that's just a long weekend.
Homecoming.
Sitting there making it testifying about how much all the sex they're having and all that kind of stuff.
But this woman's sitting there testifying about how much sex they're having on a wetlot and all these women into all this stuff with no shame.
Women would not have done that in the good old days.
There would have been a sense of shame about it.
Yeah, you know, the good old days when we used to hang black people from trees.
Remember the good old days?
Sure.
Women had proper shame and you had to drink at a different water fountain.
Remember the good old days when you got beaten when you got pulled over by a cop and put in the back of the bus?
But women had the proper shame.
The good old days.
You remember those good old days?
I love guys who talk about the good old days.
I'd love to see you back in the good old days.
I'd love to see you.
You and Sean Hannity couldn't ride in the same bus together in the good old days, okay?
And my favorite part really was the woman from the audience who says, How many individual?
Yeah.
Individual?
Individual?
Yes, but for our $3,000 for birth control.
Is that per individual?
Yeah, this is the important part.
I got to get all the facts before I can hate women who use birth control.
I have to get all the facts.
Okay, so he goes on and on.
We don't have time, but that's it.
Oh, that's it?
You want me to play?
I can play love is enough.
She had no shame about it.
I'm like, wow.
First of all, she's presented herself.
Rush Limbaugh called her a slut.
And she didn't realize that she looked like a slut sitting there making that type of confessing that type of thing.
Yes, she didn't realize what an idiot she looked like.
She didn't realize.
But this guy missed her self-awareness.
This guy totally has his finger on the pulse.
It's hard to talk when you got Archie Bunker's cock in your mouth.
This has been, oh my God.
Oh my God.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Thank you.
Okay, right now we're going to talk about the General Petraeus scandal.
And I was watching the, I find, first of all, I find it fascinating that it's a scandal, right?
Second, because there really, there was no nothing criminal happened except an affair.
That was the only thing that happened.
And according to the military handbook, having an affair is a crime in the military handbook.
That is a crime.
But he's in the CIA.
Right.
The reason why this is a scandal.
What happened when he was general?
The important thing as a CIA person is that you don't want to get into situations like this because you're somebody who can be easily blackmailed.
Yes, but here's the thing, Robert.
Everyone now knows about it.
Nobody can blackmail him on it.
So why don't you come on back and do your job?
You'd think.
Well, so I get the idea that you could be blackmailed.
Turns out, so here we go.
So here's, I was listening to Martha Raditz on the Nightline, and she started off her coverage of it like this.
She was from a long line of Army royalty.
Her great-great-grandfather fought in the Civil War.
Her own father, a retired four-star general.
You know, by the way, did somebody stop military royalty?
That's not like real royalty, you guys.
Military royalty is when you, it's when a woman gets married to a soldier, and then you move more often than gypsies fleeing Hitler while your husband fights wars for profit and bangs women half his age while you take care of the kids.
It's a little different type of royalty.
Yeah, sucky royalty.
Kind of a sucky royalty, yes.
So he's got more to say.
Petraeus spoke of the young Holly he met at West Point.
I'll never be able to adequately express my love and appreciation for all that she has done, but I can at least say here this morning.
That your reward will come in heaven because I'm going to humiliate you publicly right now.
I'm going to get some side action because my little soldier needed to salute.
I'm the general who couldn't control the surge.
The surge was a failure.
Yes, there you go.
So here's they continue to describe him.
Listen to how they describe the most common occurrence in history.
A guy caught cheating on his wife.
Here's how they describe it.
News of the affair has sent shockwaves through the national security establishment.
And it sent shockwaves to the national security.
Mostly because, let's face it, Petraeus is no George caloney.
How did he score with her?
I mean, she's way out of his league.
Okay.
Has anybody met Petraeus?
doesn't have any game.
And I just think it's...
And of course they had to act like they were shocked.
Or else if somebody else started investigating their emails, of course.
Oh my God, can you believe this?
He's doing this thing that everybody in the military's doing?
Yeah, that's that.
We're all faithful to our spouses.
This guy is out there.
I saw from here to eternity.
I saw how it works.
I bet they're all fucking her.
I think they've all fucked her.
And I say only the military intelligentsia could be shocked by the oldest story the world has ever known.
Guy sticks penis and vagina, not his wife.
Those are the military.
The joint chiefs of staff.
Let's remember.
Show them their joints.
Chiefs of staff's joint.
They're staffs.
I'm sorry, go on.
No, no.
Let's remember that the same people in the military establishment that are now shocked that a super powerful guy cheated on his wife are the same people who were also caught with their pants down on 9-11.
So these guys don't see a lot of stuff coming, is my point.
That was very well put by me, by the way.
So here's she has some more stuff to say.
Certainly others have had affairs in Congress, the White House, but having the director of central intelligence involved in an illicit affair is serious business.
I like how they call it illicit.
They can't just say an affair.
They have to say an illicit.
It makes it sound so.
Did he have an affair while he was also illegally invading a country?
I mean, it's like he has to be doing something else than just having sex with a woman.
What's a sit affair?
No, it's either an illicit affair or what's called a French affair.
And the French affair, everybody knows everything's fucking.
Illicit as if it's a secret.
Yeah, which is most affairs.
Well, you can't have an affair unless it's secret.
Well, a mistress unless it's secret.
It could be an open secret.
Could it be an open affair?
It could be a French affair.
Let's go back to the joint joke.
You know, in Petraeus' defense.
Let me just say, in Petraeus' defense, why even be CIA director if you're not going to use it to meet people, right?
It's a great hook at a party.
And what could Steve, what kind of a man cheats on the granddaughter of a Civil War veteran?
A man who wants to get laid.
That'd be it.
A man who wants to get laid.
That's right.
Literally every man ever.
Perhaps he wanted to see her appomatics.
She showed him her Vicksburg.
That's right.
You guys.
You guys.
She took hold of his gattling gun before you knew it.
Come on, Johnny.
Join in here.
No.
She had a stranglehold on his Goober peas.
His Johnny came marching home.
I'm just going to.
That's going to be the next hour.
More crappy Civil War puns.
I really just don't understand why these guys are having affairs via email.
Like, why are you doing that?
Why would you put a record on it?
Why would you have to do it?
I mean, the CIA guy knows you don't have a paper trail.
How about a military guy?
You know what they were doing, how they were communicating with each other over email?
They both shared this third email account.
And then they wouldn't send each other emails.
What they would do is they would just go write a draft and save it.
So the other one could log into that email and go through the drafts and read it.
Interesting.
That's clever.
This is what the Al-Qaeda does.
And I guess General Petraeus didn't think the Al-Qaeda would know that that was, I mean, that they know that this is something, this is a tactic we already know about.
And it turns out that if you know that people are doing that, it makes it easier.
Makes it easier to find your emails if you save it as a draft.
She was the one who created the problem because she sent a threatening email to this other weird hanger-on.
Who's known as a Kardashian type?
Yeah.
Jill Shelly.
With her sister, yeah.
These women.
These women.
These women can't handle these.
He's right.
Jesse Lee Peterson was right about these women.
They're destroying everything.
Can't handle power.
They can't even handle being fed by power.
With world leaders, friend and foe, watching his every move and almost certainly looking for vulnerabilities.
I find that interesting that everybody's looking for vulnerabilities.
Hey, you know what?
We got attacked on 9-11.
They got to our pen.
A couple of cavemen with box cutters were able to blow up our Pentagon and two of the biggest buildings in Manhattan.
I think they're aware of our vulnerabilities.
And I don't think it's that.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, we got the Iraq war wrong.
It was a lie.
We're getting our ass handed to us in Afghanistan.
We're losing trillions of dollars through the military and foreign wars.
We get attacked by guys with box cutters.
But this guy's having an affair, so we might be in trouble.
We might be in trouble.
That's, again, it was put very well.
You can't, my point, again, I'll say it again.
You can't blackmail a guy if everybody knows about it.
So what's the problem?
It's over.
The story's over, isn't it?
And yeah, and of course, everybody's made the point.
How can a CIA director keep secrets that are actually important if he can't even keep the one about him banging a woman on the side?
You can't keep this secret?
Okay, here we go.
Here's Diane Feinstein.
And for me, it's a heartbreak.
Right, because she's a lonely old lady who was really counting on a general to come through for her.
Now it's goofed up.
This is a truly bright man, a credible person, a great leader, and a stud.
Really been.
And a real stud.
Turns out he's a real stud.
That would be hilarious if she said that.
A great leader and could have really been a super transitional figure for the CIA.
Yeah, I just wish we hadn't found out about it because, frankly, none of us gives a shit.
Now we have to pretend we care.
I mean, how could Petraeus do such a stupid thing?
Would JFK, LBJ, FDR do something like this?
Yes.
The answer is yes.
They would do exactly the same thing.
And let's remember, the LBJ, the BJ, wasn't for Baines Johnson.
That was a great society.
But the surge, that's Petraeus.
Both surges were failures, by the way.
I mean, why should I do that?
The Iraq surge was a failure, even though it was sold as a victory.
And the Afghanistan surge is a big failure.
So it's kind of like, you know, a little silver lining here.
And that was his idea.
Let's do the Afghan surge.
It didn't work.
Violence went up after the surge.
Didn't go down.
Went up.
So, okay, so here is, I was watching Fox News with Chris Wallace.
He's the bad Wallace.
The very bad one.
The very bad Wallace.
And they had on Laura Ingram, and she had this to say about General Petraeus.
But I think we have some real questions here.
We had the head of our intelligence in an entire country sending personal emails after he was named CIA to apparently this gal, Paula, after one report, Ron Kessler's report, is that she had broken off the relationship.
He was sending scores and scores of emails.
Some reports say thousands of emails from his personal account.
Oh, and so I don't get it, Laura.
How does this just got to be, why are you bringing this up if you can't pin it on Barack Obama, right?
Why would you bring up something just to talk about it factually?
I don't get.
For Eric Holder.
If he was the one who knew about this and he had to.
Oh, there we go.
There we go.
There we go.
She takes it from Petraeus to Eric Holder to wait.
To have not brought this to the attention of the president of the United States.
There we go.
General Petraeus.
He should resign.
General Petraeus is sleeping with his biographer.
God damn Obama.
He knew about it.
Ah, I bet he knew.
He knew about this and he had to have.
To have not brought this to the attention of the president of the United States.
I don't know.
I guess maybe we should do an investigation.
Or let's start pointing fingers first.
How about that?
Obama, did Obama sleep with someone?
No.
This other guy did.
Ah, let's point a finger at Obama.
She goes on.
She has more to say.
I think questions have to be asked.
Was it not brought to the president's attention if that's the case because of a political concern?
So, national security and politics, which comes first?
Who cares who's president?
You do.
You care who's president.
You don't like the guy who's president.
You're the one who cares who's president.
Otherwise, you would never be bringing this up.
That's why.
That's who cares, Laura Ingram.
You.
I had a strange experience when I went to vote.
Jimmy D. Very old.
Not now, Brock.
I'm in the voting booth.
Oh, perfect timing.
Have you voted for me yet?
Not yet.
I wanted to, but something's making me hesitate.
What?
Jimmy, I thought you were my boy.
I'm your president.
I'm the guy you busted your home to get elected four years ago.
Mr. President, with all due respect, Mr. President, that's a bit formal, Jimmy.
For as long as we've known each other, just call me president.
Well, you know, I've always liked you, but these last four years.
Oh, please.
You're going to vote for the librarian party and green party.
If you vote the Peace and Justice Party, it'll be the Peace and Just You voting party.
Wordplay.
Nice.
You can't fool me and tell me you're voting for Merceding.
Man, even the Salt Lake City Tribune came out against that stiff-ass honky.
Yeah, even the Mormons recognize an empty suit, even if that empty suit's wearing magic underwear.
Not bad.
Jimmy, can I use that for my Twitter feed?
Well, you know, it's not.
Nah, not snappy, though.
So, Jimmy, where did it go wrong with us?
I was really hoping you'd be more on the side of the little guy, Barack.
I thought you would champion peace and civil liberties.
I expect my Democrats to be, you know, more Democratic.
Well, what about Obamacare?
What about the public option?
What about Iraq?
What about Afghanistan?
What about Iran?
What about Iran?
Never mind.
What do you mean, never mind?
Hold off.
I need to sign off on this pipeline.
See, that's the kind of thing I'm talking about.
What do you mean?
Keystone pipeline, renewing the Bush tax cuts, not breaking up the banks, not regulating walls.
Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.
After I'm president, there has to be at least one private club I can golf at.
They are signed to Lily Leadmaterek.
That's the least I expect of a Democratic president.
Ooh, ouch.
And what about drone strikes?
Never going to give up my drones.
It's like war without the paperwork.
They say every Tuesday, you're given an updated death list.
They got that all wrong.
Every Tuesday, I update my Amazon wish list.
What about grand bargains?
Cutting Social Security, cutting Medicare.
I'm so in love.
It's not going to work on me, Brock.
Okay, here's the deal, Jimmy.
A second term is going to unleash all that pent-up latent liberalism that's been building up in me.
Michelle's been complaining I've gotten too conservative.
The last four years, we've only done a missionary.
Mr. President, I don't think you should tell.
What do I have to say to let you know I'm on your team?
In my second term, I'm going to seriously tackle climate change.
Close Guantanamo for real.
No more equivocating about gay marriage.
I'll federally legalize pop.
You see, that sounds like real change.
I can believe it.
Wait, federally legalized pot?
Am I dreaming?
Oh, it turns out that was just a dream.
Okay, the voice of Barack Obama performed by Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcray.com.
And I don't know, did you hear him on the he was on Jimmy Kimmel doing his Mitt Romney?
And you know why?
Because they heard him on this show.
That's right.
It's always nice.
So I want to let you know.
Hey, by the way, if you are in the Los Angeles area this weekend, November 16, 17, or if you're going to be here tomorrow.
So come out and check out my stand-up show.
I'm going to be at Flappers Comedy Club in Claremont, California, which is about 45 minutes east of Los Angeles.
So come on out this Friday, Saturday, November 16, November 17.
I'll be at the Flappers Comedy Club in Claremont, California.
That's at 532 West First Street.
I'll be doing my new hours.
So there's a link at my website, JimmyDoorComedy.com.
You spell my last name, D-O-R-E.
And you can always get a podcast of today's show for free over there at that website or at iTunes.
If you want to, you know what?
A lot of people pass around the phone calls we do.
Those are very popular to pass around.
And so you can always, if you miss it, you want somebody else to hear it, get the podcast of today's show and get it over at the website.
And there's lots of other stuff.
Plus, we have a web series now on the Young Turks Network.
And it's really, we shoot over at the current studios in Culver City.
And we put up about, I don't know, about a half hour of new video content every week.
And we put those, a lot of those clips are up over at JimmyDoorComedy.com too.
So you can check out.
I do some of those with Ben Mankiewicz.
And you know, Ben, he's the host of Turner Classic Movies, right, over on TCM.
Frank Connip from Mystery Science Theater 3000, he sits in with me on some of those shows.
Paul Gilmartin does his jackass Republican character on those shows.
So there's a lot of familiar faces over there.
So check out the video clips I got up at the website, JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Get the podcast, huh?
Get involved with the show, huh?
So what do we got coming up in the second half of the show?
Luke Russert calls in.
God bless Luke Russert.
We have a reading from Jim Earl's book, Morning Remembrance.
Those are funny obituaries of real dead people.
Plus, I think we might even have another phone call.
I think Jack Welch might call in later.
But right now, we're up against a break.
We'll be back in one minute.
This is Jimmy Door's show.
Hey, thanks, everybody who uses the Amazon.com box at jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And thanks for everybody who helped support the show with a direct donation.
You can do that at jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And then Steph is going to send you something nice in the mail.
We'll send you a CD or a DVD and a nice card.
Okay, so you can do all that and you can help support the show.
I'm going to give you a shortened pitch this week as my thanksgiving to you, right?
I don't even know.
Maybe you all fast forward through this part.
Who knows?
I don't know.
So this is where I let you know that the show's made possible by you guys, the listener.
I appreciate it.
It's great to see you at The live shows, and it's great that you guys use the Amazon.com box, and we just sent out a bunch of DVDs and CDs.
By the way, if you haven't gotten your thank you gift and you're supposed to get one, send me an email at jimmydoor at earthlink.net because sometimes there's a couple of people that just got a hold of me, said, hey, we didn't get our thing.
And we checked and we had a glitch and a couple of things fell through the cracks.
So we get that right back out to you as soon as you send me an email over at jimmy at earthlink.net, okay?
Hi, everybody.
Welcome back to the Jimmy Door Show.
I am joined in studio by Robert Yasamura from Team Yasimura and Steve Rosenfield, former writer for The Daily Show.
Jim Earl, Emmy Award-winning writer, author of Morning Remembrance, and the host of Comedy and Everything Else, our resident Latina Steph Zamorano is with us.
And what do we have coming up on the second half of the show?
We're going to have phone calls.
We have Luke Russert calls in later, and Jack Welch is going to talk to us about the election results.
Plus, we're going to talk about the excuses that the Republicans keep giving for why they lost.
None of them accurate, none of them correct.
In fact, let's start right now with Paul Ryan.
Now, I like that they're still pretending that it was something, anything, but the fact that their ideas were rejected.
Here's what Paul Ryan had to say.
Polling we had, the numbers we were looking at looked like we stood a pretty good chance of winning.
And so when the numbers came in, you know, going the other direction, when we saw the kind of turnout was occurring in urban areas, which were really fairly unprecedented, it did come as a bit of a shock.
So let's look.
Yeah, it was a shocker.
It was a shocker.
Yeah, we were really surprised by the high voting rate in urban areas.
We thought those people would be too busy collecting welfare to be able to get out and vote.
Yeah, we were totally surprised by the turnout.
You could say Election Day, we got mugged by a lot of urban type people.
We caught by surprise.
We had no idea that 90% of the polls were going to be completely accurate.
We had no idea.
And you know what?
Did you see he mentioned their internal polls?
He's like, our internal polling, because every other poll said they were going to get their ass handed, all of our internal polls indicated that being in denial would guarantee us an extra seven points.
You know, I agree with him.
I thought all Obama's voters were going to be too busy getting their free abortion on demand that day.
Yeah, Election Day is also a free abortion on demand date.
Paul Ryan, so Paul Ryan has a little bit more to say.
I think the surprise was some of the turnout, some of the turnout, especially in urban areas, which definitely gave President Obama the big margin.
Yeah, so definitely the big, the turnout in urban areas gave him the big.
He says it like urban doesn't count or somehow.
You know, sure, he got the limited.
He got black people to vote for him.
Oh, the urban vote.
You mean where all the people live?
Right.
You mean the people turned out to vote where people actually are?
Yeah, usually we can rely on parts of the country that don't have people in them to turn out for us.
But son of a gun, there are more people where people live than where they don't live.
Yeah, but he lost his hometown, Janesville, which is the opposite of urban.
Yes, he did lose his hometown, James.
Yeah, Janesville, that's where my great-great-grandparents lived and had a business.
No kidding.
And they went to, they joined the Civil War there, and there were drunks.
That's nice to hear.
That's a good story.
So here's Mitt Romney got caught again.
Okay, so he got caught taking a dump on women, blacks, the youth, everyone except Rich Whitey.
Again, isn't that funny?
So here he was.
He was on a donor call, and I have just a little bit.
I don't have all of it, but we'll start it off with this.
What the president's campaign did was focus on certain members of his base coalition, give them extraordinary financial gifts from the government, and then work very aggressively to turn them out to vote.
This is the new thing, right?
Bill O'Reilly's like, half the people want stuff.
You got to give them gifts.
And so he went on to say, I don't have the recording of it, but I'll read it to you.
He said, this is a quote.
Obama followed the old playbook of wooing special interest groups, especially the African-American community, the Latino community, and young people with targeted gifts.
And in each case, they were very generous with those gifts.
You can imagine that for someone making $25,000 or $35,000 a year, being told you're now going to get free health care, particularly if you don't have it, getting free health care worth $10,000 per family in perpetuity, that is huge.
These are the things he's upset that Barack Obama gave people.
He gave people making $25,000 health care, and this is somehow seen as underhanded.
And not like what you're supposed to do when they elect you to government to give people health care.
Yeah, and it ain't free for them either.
By the way, it's not free for anybody.
Yeah, it's again, just making it up.
And by the way, it's nowhere near the trillion dollars he wanted to give to Raytheon and Halliburton by giving too much money to the Pentagon.
Well, he wanted to give a 20% tax cut to the richest people in America.
Sure.
So you're telling me you're not giving people stuff?
You want to build up the defense to budget by $2 trillion?
He's giving everybody their stuff.
This is, again, just more of their losing philosophy.
This is more of their playbook on how to lose elections going forward.
He just rewrapped Romney's gift and gave it back as Obamacare.
Anyway, you know, it was Romney, right?
Obamacare was Romney Care.
Right, exactly.
He ended it by saying, this is true.
These are all quotes from him.
He goes, likewise with Hispanic, free health care was a plus.
But in addition, with, I'll read it like Mitt.
Yeah, likewise with Hispanics, free health care was a plus.
But in addition, with regard to Hispanics, the Amnesty for Children of Illegals, the DREAM Act, was a huge plus for Hispanics.
Yeah, so he did something on immigration.
They're upset that Barack Obama did things for people.
And he goes, and the young people, a forgiveness of college loan insurance was a biz gift.
Free contraceptives were very big with college-age women.
And finally, Obamacare also made a big difference for them because, as you know, anyone 26 and under is not going to be covered on their parents' plan.
Yes, we get, those are all good, those aren't nefarious.
That bastard.
Those are all things that people wanted you to do, Mitt.
The stuff that you did, you did in Massachusetts.
These kind of excuses are four years old.
Remember after the 2008 election, this conservative wrote a book saying that the main premise was that blacks voted for Obama because of free abortion on demand.
Yes.
Same thing.
In fact, I had, so let me just say this.
And he was right.
And by the way, the thing that's amazing is he didn't have to say any of this.
Right.
He didn't have to say anything.
He genuinely believes this.
He's not saying this for tactical reasons.
He's saying it because he genuinely believes it.
And Bobby Jindal, the voice of reason, is now coming out against Romney for saying that.
Yes.
Yeah, Bobby Jindal, the voice, the governor of Louisiana, Bobby Jindal, who says that the Republican Party has to stop being the party of stupid.
Meanwhile, he has his public schools teach creationism.
So they're not really coming all the way around.
They're starting to come around, but they're not really.
And by the way, people like Bobby Jindal came.
I'm going to play you later on.
Bill Crystal kind of comes around.
So Sean Hannity has now come around on the immigration issue.
So they're all starting to come around on a lot of things.
And The reason they came around wasn't because Barack Obama talked to them in a reasoned manner.
They came around because Barack Obama kicked their ass in an election, because they got their ass handed to them.
It wasn't because people talked to them nicely, like David Feldman thinks.
David Feldman is yet another crazy backward theory.
It's not because he talked to the ignorant and all of a sudden they were able to reason themselves out of something they didn't reason themselves into.
And I would contend that they really haven't come around.
I think they're just platitudes.
They're just saying these things.
And I feel like I'm, you know, being a woman of color, when I hear Mitt Romney saying all of this horrific stuff, I am so relieved he's not in office because there was a time that I really thought, okay, the country's going to go so bad that they're going to elect this guy.
So just on behalf of women of color, myself and my vagina are breathing a lot easier with President Obama back in office.
As a non-woman of non-color, without a vagina.
Without a vagina at the moment.
Don't write me off yet, guys.
I think your point, though, is well taken, which is that the Democrats think, well, not yours, you woman of color, that Democrats think that it's a national conversation.
The Republicans think it's a blood sport, and they will come around when they lose, whenever they lose.
When it's in their interest.
But it's in their interest, and it's in their interest to come around right now because they're losing elections, and it's only getting far.
And this was a phone call to his donors.
Romney was saying this on a phone call to his donors, and he was really trying to get the point across that even though he lost the election, he's still going to be a douchebag.
He's not going to notice.
Here's another woman from, this is a political analyst on Bill O'Reilly.
And he had a couple of ladies on to talk about the election results and why the Republicans lost.
And let's just enjoy shit.
Ladies, and of course, that group, as you know, overwhelmingly supported President Obama.
Why was that, by the way, before we get to this discussion?
Why do the single ladies go for him?
Well, look, I think that Mitt Romney was a weak candidate to begin with.
Why do you say that?
Okay, this is Michelle Fields.
She's a political analyst.
Michelle Fields, political analyst.
I think he couldn't connect with voters the way that a lot of people hope that you voted for him, though, right?
I voted for Mitt Romney.
Yes, I did.
But I think a lot of women are also generally on welfare programs as well.
And what?
A lot of women.
How did that cut?
What?
Generally.
Out of nowhere.
Out of nowhere.
She just pulls this out of her ass, right?
Most women just don't want to work.
Most women.
There's no war on women in the GOP.
Listen to how Bill O'Reilly pushes back.
Women are also generally on welfare programs as well.
And President Obama, you know, has had this huge lot of welfare spending.
And it's a lot of, it's hard to get off the candy.
If Obama's the one giving you the candy, you don't want to vote for the person.
And now we're reading from the book Morning Remembrance by Jim Earle.
Funny obituaries of real dead people.
This is Leo Sternbach, creator of Valium.
Oh, okay.
Leo Sternbach, a research chemist responsible for developing the most addictive muscle relaxant since Kale Pectate, is now dead calm.
At the height of Valium's popularity in 1978, Sternbach's company sold over 2 billion tablets, evenly split between Liz Taylor and Liza Minelli.
Always a hands-on technician, Sternbach once tried Valium.
He reported its only side effects were increased drowsiness followed by the urge to marry Gerald Ford.
Just an old joke.
You got no history for that one.
For most patients, the drug imparts a mild euphoria, but that wears off once you wake up to find you've killed your grunge rock husband with a shotgun.
In 2003, members of the pharmaceutical industry celebrated the 40th anniversary of Valium by lying down on the living room floor, drilling on their shirts, and then slowly watching a lit cigarette burn the drapes.
Sternbach requested his body be combined with the bodies of other drug inventors in order to create a dangerously erotic synergistic reaction.
All right.
All right.
That was Jim Earle reading from the book Morning Remembrance by Jim Earle, and he can be found at jimearl.com.
You spell Earl E-A-R-L.
Jim Earle.
So a lot of people listen to this show are going to be going to Thanksgiving next week and be sitting next to their a-hole cousin or their brother-in-law, and they're going to be saying stuff like, Barack Obama didn't win in the landslide.
Oh, well, he doesn't have a mandate.
The country split.
So here's, but it's funny because it wasn't split when they thought that it was going to be Mitt Romney getting 300 electrical votes.
Here's Brush Limbaugh.
And we didn't lose this election by that much, especially when you look at the turnout.
This was not a shewacking landslide.
Okay.
So just know that when your brother-in-law says that, you could say that's not true.
It was a landslide.
Barack Obama won 332 electrical votes, and he won every swing state except North Carolina.
You keep saying electrical volts.
Right.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, I noticed that too.
Yeah.
Well, what are they called?
Electoral votes.
Oh, well.
They say him so fast.
They say it fast.
It sounds like electrical volts.
It's not what it is.
No, no.
That's not what it is.
Okay.
What is this, the Warner Brothers cartoon?
I don't know what I meant by that.
You know, the thing is, I kind of agree in the sense that they did win by only 3 million, which is about 3% of the electorate.
It wasn't like in the popular vote.
It wasn't like a giant land.
It's not like Reagan in 84.
You know what?
It was pretty close.
332 electrical volts is a pretty good whooping, especially by the electoral college.
I'm talking about the population.
And I'm talking about it a bit, but he got more votes than George Bush did in 2004.
You know that, right?
Yes.
Yes.
So they said he had a mandate in 2004.
George Bush couldn't shut up about his mandate.
Bush thought he had a mandate in 2000 when he had to steal it to win it.
He said in 2004, Bush, you remember those clips of him saying, I've earned political capital in this campaign.
I didn't think that was true.
It wasn't.
I'm saying from my point of view, this still represents about roughly 50% of the country still has decent conservative ideas.
Wherever Barack Obama, first of all, I hear what you're saying, and I'm going to push back on that, Robert, because wherever Barack Obama decided to win an election, they won.
He didn't try to win in Texas.
He didn't try to win in Kentucky.
He tried to win in the swing states, and he won every one of them.
North Carolina is not really a swing state.
So wherever Barack Obama decided to get his message out, they won.
He only lost two states from 2008.
Yes.
Worth noting.
Right, which was Indiana, Which he was going to lose.
And North Carolina.
North Carolina.
And North Carolina is not really a swing state.
I'm just telling you.
And neither is Indiana.
Those are, you know, those are red states.
Right.
And there was just a fluke in 2008.
Well, Indiana is so red that they got rid of Luck.
They got rid of Dick Luker.
Right.
And then people will say, but they didn't elect Murdoch, right?
The guy who beat Luger.
They didn't have they let, yeah, because he was a certifiable man.
You don't get points for not electing a certifiable maniac who says that rapes are God's intention.
But he had to say that specific thing to lose.
Yeah, he had to do that.
And he didn't say that.
He would have won.
Same thing in Missouri.
So what I'm saying is that Barack Obama, wherever he decided to try to win, he won.
And in fact, more people in the United States, because Republicans own the Congress right now.
But guess what?
If you add up all the votes, more Democrats got more votes in Congress than the Republicans did.
Yet the Republicans still hold a 40-vote margin because of gerrymandering, which took apart in 2010.
So they don't really have a majority of anything.
The majority of the Americans are done with their bad ideas.
And that's a good thing for America.
They're done with their stupid ignorance on gay rights.
They're done with their stupid ignorance on immigration.
So those are the two things that are going to move pretty quickly.
Some of your pup colleagues privately say that your decision to stay on prohibits the party from having a younger leadership and will be hurt and hurts the party in the long term.
What's your response?
So that's Luke Russert telling Nancy Pelosi, hey, a lot of Democrats probably say you guys are too old.
Why don't you step aside?
Let some young blood.
That's Luke Russert, the world's most successful intern.
He's, of course, you know, he worked his way up as soon as right after his dad died.
They gave him a job.
And so here he is telling somebody else that they're not qualified.
And maybe their qualifications aren't in order anymore because they're too old to do their job.
And here's how Nancy Pelosi pushes back.
She's on stage with a bunch of women and they all, you hear them all.
It's the dumbest question.
It's one of the dumber questions around, right?
You ask a, hey, aren't you ladies old?
Aren't you too old?
You old ladies?
Who, by the way, are calling from a guy who's like 20 to 20.
27.
It's really just a job.
The guy who didn't earn his position.
By the way, I bet all those ladies have their period at the same time.
Am I right, guys?
The difference between Luke Russert and Nancy Pelosi is Nancy Pelosi earned her position.
Okay.
And Luke Russert didn't.
And maybe you shouldn't be.
If you didn't, maybe you should shut up about stuff like this.
Okay.
Here's what she says.
Here's what she says.
I guess I. Oh, you've always asked that question, except to Mitch McConnell.
So she goes, oh, you've never asked that question.
You've always asked that question, except to Mitch McConnell.
Yeah.
Did they say anything about Mr. Orton?
No, no, no, excuse me.
Mr. You, Mr. Floyer, Mr. Fiber, you're all over 70.
Is your decision to stay on prohibit younger leadership from moving forward?
So you're suggesting that everybody step aside?
No, I'm simply saying that delay younger leadership from moving forward in the House Democratic ranks.
And let's, for a moment, honor it as a legitimate question.
Although it's quite offensive that you don't realize that, I guess.
Good.
I've never loved Nancy Pelosi more than I do.
So she goes, it's pretty offensive, although you don't realize it, I guess.
And then she goes on to tell him that she's worked hard all her life and she's earned this position and all that stuff, which she has done all those things.
And she's also worked to promote younger women in the party.
That's what she said.
She said, I've worked tirelessly for the last 15 years to get younger women into blah, blah, blah.
So we actually got Luke.
We got Luke on the phone.
No kidding.
Yeah.
Joining us today is NBC News correspondent Luke Russert.
Luke, you cause a bit of a stir when you ask Nancy Pelosi if she might be too old for her job.
Well, that's the big deal, Jimmy.
All I did was raise a legitimate issue.
Which is old people suck.
Jimmy, it's true.
Have you ever been in a car on the freeway stuck behind an intelligent woman who's worked for decades to become a highly qualified professional?
Friggin' blows, dude.
Luke, some are saying that you're the last person who should be questioning someone on their qualifications for a job.
Whoa, Jimmy.
Are you actually bringing up the tragic death of my father, Tim Russert?
Yes, I am.
Well, I wish you wouldn't because I don't feel comfortable talking about the biggest break of my career.
When something that awesome happens, it's best to keep it to yourself.
But everybody already knows that you only got your job because of nepotism, Luke.
That is so unfair, dude.
I'm totally qualified for my job.
How so?
Well, Tim Russer was my father, and I am his son.
Therefore, I was more than qualified for an epitistic gig when it came available.
But then you don't understand that people take umbrage when you say that Nancy Pelosi and the Democratic leadership should step aside for others just because those others are younger.
Okay, okay.
Okay, but by the same token, people who get jobs totally based on merit are standing in the way of someone who wants that job solely based on the biological accident of their birth.
It works both ways, Jimmy.
Both sides do it.
Both sides do it.
You're not making any sense.
Both sides.
Luke, you're not making any sense.
Jimmy, did you ever read my dad's book about my granddad, Big Russ, and me?
I told my father he should just call that book, why don't you just die, you old?
I mean, dad used to always make me visit Big Russ's house.
It smelled like peanut brittle covered in poop.
Big Russ would kiss me on my cheek, and I have a gummy, slurpy old guy hickey on my face like for weeks.
I'm a reporter, Jimmy.
I'm supposed to report the truth.
And the truth is that elderly old coots are grody to the max.
Well, Luke Russert, thanks for joining us.
Jimmy, I just want to remind you one thing.
What's that, buddy?
I have made more money by the time I'm 30 than you will make in your entire pathetic life.
Ah, ha, ha.
That's probably true, Luke.
Thanks for sharing.
No problem, dude.
Suck my overprivileged, you pathetic middle-aged butt boinker.
Okay, that was Luke Russert, ladies and gentlemen.
Not a nice person.
Not a good person.
Hey, Jack Welch called me.
He wanted to talk about the thing.
Jimmy.
Hang on.
America's Father.
Hang on.
Let me get this down.
Wow, this is loud.
I got Jack Welch on the line.
Ready?
Hello, Jack.
Are you there?
Hello?
Jimmy.
Yeah.
This is Mr. Jack Welch.
Hi, Jack.
America's Fast.
Favorite CEO.
God damn it.
Jack, how are you?
What's going on?
Where's that?
Deep inside the mountains of mortar.
What are you making?
The mountains of mortar?
What do you make there?
Nuclear triggers and sorrow.
Oh.
It's my understanding that you peasants have a little show that you do for the peasants.
Yes.
And on this show, you dare question my judgment.
Yes, we question authority.
How dare you question the wealthy?
What?
That's what we do on this show.
We're supposed to question the wealthy, Jack.
What is this communist Jewistan of something?
It's not Jewistan.
You aren't worth the elderly undergarments into which I am currently moving my power.
Jack.
Jack.
Jack, Jack.
Jack, I know, but listen.
I want to say something.
Jack, wait.
I'm going to say something.
Okay, go ahead.
Say something.
Go ahead.
Go ahead, Jack.
I'm letting you go.
Go.
I don't believe the colored guy won the president.
The numbers don't make sense.
The numbers make sense, Jack.
What?
For Governor Tissue Paper?
Governor Tissue Paper.
So he should have won.
Yeah, I don't understand.
You committed voter fraud, Jack.
Is this what you're saying?
That you yourself did it?
You went in and you gave more votes to Mitt Romney.
I paid good money to have a spineless bureaucrat do my bidding, and I got the wrong one.
It stinks, I tell you, stinks like an ethnic food poop.
Did you say ethnic food?
things like those Chicago boys.
Oh, now...
And women and homos.
And the gays.
Okay.
And those attracted to the same sex.
I think you're being redundant, Jack.
Those are all the same thing.
They're all called homosexuals or gays.
Can I imagine them all in a naked scrum covered in oil and excrement and they're rigging elections and fornicating?
Jack, relax.
I want to say something.
I want to say something.
Okay.
Okay.
Jack, go ahead.
This is the job's never all over again.
7% and unemployment.
My aunt Fanny!
Who molested me, by the way?
Your Aunt Fanny molested you?
There's more unemployment in this country.
I know because I employed a shit ton of them.
You unemployed a shit ton of them?
I fired the lazy union asses and hired me a bunch of Chinamen for a nickel.
I loved every minute of it.
Jack, I know.
You're getting a half chub just thinking about it, which is a quarter chub by most people's standards.
You're saying you have.
I don't have quite the blood float to my penis that I once had.
So take that, radio, fags.
Jack.
I say Obama didn't win the AAA.
You know, that's just the way it is.
And you're welcome and I'm done.
Okay, Jack.
What?
Somebody bring me a new diaper, an Asian hooker, and a cup of Sanka.
Okay, Jack.
It's been great, Jack.
I appreciate you.
Thanks for calling in, buddy.
It has been great.
Hey, Jimmy, don't forget to check me out on Twitter.
Now go ass rape yourself, you fucking feeb.
Okay.
Okay, thank you.
Okay, don't forget the voices today of Luke Russert.
And who else called?
Did they Mitt Romney call in?
Yes.
Those are performed by Mike McRae over at MikeMcRae.com.
Jack Welch performed by yours truly.
And I want to thank, oh, in a sketch, that sketch was written by Robert Yasimura, the Mitt Romney sketch written by Frank Conniff.
I'm pretty sure.
You know, I might have these backwards.
But today's show, in general, was written by Steve Rosenfield, Robert Yasimura, Frank Conniff, Jim Earl, and Steph Zamarano.
That's right.
That was from today.
That's from today's show.
And that's it.
I really, I wish I had more announcements.
I can thank the guys who donate their time and talent to make this show available.
And who are those people, Jimmy?
That would be Sean James at Sean James.
If you want to get a hold of him, he's our Mac genius.
He fixes our Macs.
If you have a Macintosh and there's something wrong with it, he can fix it for you over the internet.
It's amazing.
You can send him an email at MacHelp at SeanJames.com.
Just send it MacHelp at SeanJames.com.
And you spell Sean S-H-A-U-N.
And Frank Pulaski at Dreamtime Films, who takes some of the calls we do on the show, and he puts video to them, and they're hilarious.
Plus, I want to thank Don Quixote for making the caricature of me that we are now using for the logo.
We use it for the logo for the Jimmy Door show at TYT.
I love it.
And big thanks to him.
He does a lot of great caricatures.
Okay, that's our show for today.
Thanks for using the Amazon.com box and for your support.
We couldn't do it without you.
And thanks for checking out the videos over at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
This is me saying until next week, you be the best you can be.
Oh, by the way, did you hear the silly shows we did with David Feldman?
Wow, is he a jackass sometimes, huh?
Okay, if you haven't listened to him, maybe you should.
Okay, that's it.
I'll see you next week.
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