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Oct. 26, 2012 - Jimmy Dore Show
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The Jimmy Dore Show starts right now.
The Jimmy Dore Show Congratulations, Obama.
At the last debate, it sounded like you finally convinced Mitt Romney to vote for you.
I really got confused.
I thought a debate was where two opposing viewpoints challenge each other.
You know, when they weren't agreeing, they were dumbing it down.
Mitt Romney actually said several times, my policy is to go after the bad guys.
Too bad that four-year-olds can't vote, huh?
Later, he said, Syria is Iran's route to the sea.
You know, I really trust someone who won't even bother to read a map before a foreign policy debate.
Hello, Mr. Commander-in-Chief.
Syria is Iran's route to the sea.
You're right, Mitt.
Sounds like we need to fire more geography teachers.
It reminds me of Mitt Romney at the last debate, telling everybody how he's going to create 12 million jobs as president, and then pivoting to say government doesn't create jobs.
There were some disagreements.
Romney's called for America to have a larger Navy, so maybe he really does believe in global warming.
Split-screen Mitt was off his game.
He seemed like he didn't know how to hold his face.
He didn't want to smile too much or too little, and he ended up with the facial expression of someone sitting in warm pudding.
The debate was supposed to be about foreign policy, and it became clear that Mitt Romney's only foreign policy is where to put his money.
Most of the night was spent talking about the Middle East.
Obama said that he wants us to be, quote-unquote, coming out of the Middle East.
Wow, that's good news.
Too bad America is slower coming out than a Scientologist.
They were both shamelessly pandering to the Jewish votes so hard that I half expected them to unzip and offer to get circumcised right there and there.
Hey, fellas, Sammy Davis Jr.'s ghost called and said, tone it down a notch.
Out to face.
Is nobody else depressed that we have two presidential candidates fighting over who's going to be the bigger bully to Iran?
For some reason, China, North Korea, and Pakistan can have nuclear bombs, but if Iran gets one, the world is over.
Really?
Let's take a look at the used nuclear weapons pie chart.
America, 100%.
The rest of the world, zero.
The solution to Iran is obvious.
More and more sanctions, because we all know, historically, denying people food and medicine always works.
Most of the time, it seemed they were running for president of the military-industrial complex.
Why does America continue to talk as if we can control everything that happens in the world?
It's a very expensive ego trip.
In fact, all night, the topic kept returning to our economy and spending.
Guess what?
I've been told that peace is pretty inexpensive.
President Obama never acknowledged the dark underbelly of his foreign policy, instead, opting to tell a story about meeting a girl at Ground Zero whose father perished in the Twin Towers when she was four, and how she said getting bin Laden gave her closure.
And that's the real legacy of Barack Obama's foreign policy.
Not peace, coalition building, and solutions to conflicts, but indefinite detention without trial, indiscriminate killings via drone warfare, and heartwarming stories about the healing power of murder.
music It's the Jimmy Dore show.
the show for gut-minded, lowly-lovered lapdies.
The kind of people that are It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you, T-Vale.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Top.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's episode of the Jimmy Dore Show.
I'm joined in studio.
Across the glass from me, hilarious comedian from Team Yasamura.
It's Robert Yasamura.
Hello.
Hi, Robert.
And next to him, it's three-time Emmy Award-winning writer and the host of the David Feldman comedy show available on iTunes.
It's David Feldman.
Hi, David.
Jimmy, I'd like to say it's great to be here.
I'd like to, but I just can't.
Across from him, it's a ham radio's Jim Earl.
Thank you, Jimmy.
It's great to see you behind glass panes again.
And the author of Morning Remembrances, fake obituaries of real dead people.
That's right.
Yeah.
Available online everywhere.
Everywhere online.
And next, you might recognize our next guest, Ben Zelovansky, as somebody who was cut out of the Yetipepetone movie.
Hi, Ben.
How are you?
I'd like to say it's great to be here with David Feldman.
I know.
You'd like to.
You can't.
Okay, let's do some jokes before we get to the jokes.
Hey, the new mini iPad is out, and the Chinese slaves who assemble it are two-thirds the size of the slaves who assemble the regular.
Did you know that?
GOP candidates go say rape.
Pregnancies are the will of God.
Yes, remember in the Bible when Jesus turned water into roofies?
And did you hear what Ann Coulter did?
She called the president the R-word.
She called him a reek.
And then, of course, you know, the wrestling Donald Trump.
So I'd slam Ann Coulter, Richard Murdoch, and Donald Trump for lowering the level of GOP discourse this week.
But sadly, they haven't.
Hey, Richard Murdoch, it's God's will that the life of the fetus is precious.
And the life of a traumatized rape victim, not so much.
Obama's response to Richard Murdoch, did you see him the other day?
He came on Jay Leno last night.
And Obama's response was, rape is rape.
It's a crime.
Romney's response, vote for Richard Murdoch.
Okay, coming up on today's show, Donald Trump had a big announcement.
We revisit it.
Also, what happened in the press's coverage of the last debate?
We're going to talk about that.
Plus, drone killing.
Is it fun?
Is it good?
Do four-year-olds die?
Well, Joe Klein has some ideas about it.
He's a sociopath.
That's that.
Plus, we got phone calls today from Mark Wahlberg calls in.
Yeah, Mark Wahlberg calls in.
Donald Trump joins us in studio.
And Governor Chris Christie has something to say about the last debate.
Plus, a lot lot more.
That's today on The Jimmy Dore Show.
Dore?
Thore.
It's me.
William McDonnell, O'Brady, O'Flana, Hannahan, Gilligan, Seamus, O'Connor, Mahoney, O'Doyle, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, O'Reilly.
That's my heritage.
No spin there.
Okay, sure.
I'll admit it.
I've had a few drinks.
I had a few drinks.
I mean, suck it, or okay.
That's Bill O'Reilly, ladies and gentlemen, calling.
He's going to call in a couple more times.
You know, when he gets drunk, he just keeps calling in and getting.
He doesn't want to.
You know, Jimmy, I always like to call Obama the R-word.
Republican.
Nice work, Jim.
Nice out.
Okay, so let's get to it.
You know, like many of you on Tuesday morning, people asked, hey, did you watch the debate last night?
And I'm like, yeah, I watched the debate, but did you watch all the a-holes being paid to talk about it afterwards?
Because I did too.
And thus, enter John Heilman of MSNBC sitting around a table with some middle-aged White men all getting paid to speculate wildly and give us exactly no new information.
Also known as the news.
You remember John Heilman, right?
He's the journalist who wrote Game Change.
That's the book that describes what an unreasonable idiot Sarah Phalin is.
But all the people who chose her as VP candidate were super smart, nice people.
Here's John Heilman.
I thought Pap Buchanan was Ohio, man.
Yo!
Nice.
Where's Frank?
Here's John Heilman pushing back against Joe Scarborough's false equivalency about both candidates running towards the center in a general election.
You were Joe, you're totally right.
Candidates from both parties go to their extremes and then gradually drift back to the center over the course of campaigns.
You know, that's true if by both parties he means one party, and that would be the Republican Party, because the Democrats don't do that anymore.
During the primaries of 08, the best you could say of any Democrat was that they went to the extreme left of the right wing.
That's all they really did.
I mean, yeah, they were so left in 08 during the Democratic primary that one time they even mentioned the environment might be a thing.
That's about as left as a Democratic primary gets.
Okay, more to John Heilman.
Governor Romney has done, it's really audacious what he's tried to do in this last month to make the switch.
Audacious.
He says audacious.
Audacious implies that there is an actual consciousness behind Mitt Romney's campaign.
On the other hand, if you assume that Mitt Romney is just a suit filled with ambition, then all the tiles fall into place much more neatly.
In that instance, he's shifting positions late in the game because he's a liar and a moron, which would also explain everything.
It's like physics, really.
It's really like physics.
Okay, here's John Robert.
The moron in motion tends to stay in motion.
That's it.
Until an equal of an opposite force acts upon it, right?
Okay.
So here he's got more to say.
The audacity of Etch.
Of Edge.
Okay.
You know, he's just not fake.
And so, and we rightly criticize President Obama for not nailing him on that and being more aggressive and being more confrontational and like trying to hold his feet to the fire at the first debate in Denver.
That was a large part of his failing.
He failed on multiple levels, but he really failed to do that.
So it doesn't surprise me at all that in this debate, he's now trying to make that argument and just sort of say, wait a second, this is, you know, you can't just in the last month become a totally new Mitt Romney without somebody calling you on that.
And so I guess the question for Chuck is.
Yeah, that's the question for Chuck: can you believe the balls I have to call out Barack Obama for not doing our job as journalists?
You know, I'd like to answer that, but I'm still kind of chuckling over that audacity of Etch joke.
Yes.
Yes.
That was rich tapestry work.
Good stuff, guys.
That's pretty remarkable.
I think that's pretty remarkable, John Heilman.
I'm sure it's our only duty.
In fact, our entire job is to make sure that people are aware of what is happening in the world.
And the biggest thing happening right now is that Mitt Romney is a complete fraud.
Don't you think that somebody ought to be trying to convey that information to the American public, like maybe a news person or something?
Like, I can't wait for someone to invent newspapers and magazines and TV shows.
So we'll have institutions in place where their only purpose is to make sure the American electorate is aware of these things.
I think you're, with all due respect, I think you're soundbiting John Heilman because I watch MSN and you're taking everything out of context.
I'm not cutting, I'm not taking out anything he's saying.
I'm playing it.
I'm going to play everything he's saying.
He's saying snippets.
He is saying, I watched the post-debate.
Okay.
I'm playing this clip right here.
And he is saying that Romney is all over the map.
But he's blaming Barack Obama for not calling him out before.
John Heilman's a great writer.
Right.
And they are calling Romney out on his lies.
They're doing a pretty good job over at MSNBC pointing out all his inconsistencies.
I think you're taking a snippet of Heilman and making it sound like he's not doing his job.
He is.
Did you watch the MSNBC?
Do you think that if the press was doing their job, that Mitt Romney would be neck and neck with the president, David?
Don't you think that that is an inherent failure of the people who are supposed to be informing the American people that this guy who is a complete and utter fraud, who has taken more positions on abortion than there are in the Karma Sutra, this guy is somehow neck and neck with Barack Obama?
That makes the real deal.
That may not be the media's fault, Jimmy.
Well, that's the case I'm making.
I think that's definitely the case I'm making.
You ask most Americans right now.
Because Americans don't.
David, John Heilman.
I think most Americans think that both candidates lie and stretch the truth.
Yeah.
And they don't care whether or not a politician is lying.
Because they've been made to believe that both sides do it.
Both sides do it.
I think you're going after the wrong both sides do it.
I'm going after Heilman because of what he's saying.
He's making it out that it was Barack Obama's fault.
And it was a failure of the press.
The press that somehow.
It was a debate between Barack Obama.
He's a good guy and Mitt Romney.
We're going to get, I don't want to get into this with you.
Right.
Because you'll lose.
Well, let me put it this way.
Let me put it this way.
I will ruin this show.
Let me tell you something.
So when John Heilman says...
So when John Heilman says, David, let's move on.
When John Heilman says that, and nobody's calling him out for it, right?
Mitt Romney's been doing this back and forth, and he's going to get, he goes out.
Why doesn't anybody call him out?
What is he talking about?
Everybody's been calling him out on it.
The Democrats called him out on it when he ran for Senate.
The Republicans called him out on it when he ran for president the first time.
They called him out on it when he ran for president this time for flip-flopping.
And then for some goddamn reason, no one in the fourth estate wants to stand up and say, this isn't a partisan thing.
This guy is a liar.
He's not a flip-flopper.
He's a liar.
His positions don't evolve.
He doesn't soften them or sharpen them.
He flat out changes them to suit his ambitions at any particular moment.
He's pro-life.
He's pro-choice.
He's pro-life.
He's for healthcare.
He's not.
The man stands for absolutely nothing, David.
He has no vision for America.
He has no plan.
He just wants to be president because he's gotten everything he's ever wanted in his life and he feels entitled.
And at the end of the day, no one seems to care.
Republicans are so interested in winning that they've fallen in love with the guy they hated six months ago.
And some Democrats are so petulant about the disappointment with Obama that they don't see the dangers inherent in letting Chauncey Gardner have his hand on the button.
And somehow, there are about a million people left in this country who are engaged enough to say they are going to vote, but not engaged enough to have formed an opinion on a campaign that has been in the news cycle every day for the last two years.
God is dead.
I hate you all.
And see.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Welcome back to the Jimmy Door show.
I want to remind everybody that November 3rd, Saturday, November 3rd, that's the Saturday before the election.
We're doing a big stand-up comedy show over at the Hollywood improv here in Los Angeles.
So we're going to give away some tickets to that show at the bottom of the hour.
So stay tuned.
I'm headlining that show.
A lot of your favorites around that show, David Feldman, Steve Agee from the Sarah Silverman Show, Laura Keitlinger, lots of other hilarious people on that show.
Okay.
Right now, let's get back to the studio.
I'm joined in the studio by Robert Yasimura from Team Yasamura, former writer for the Daily Show Jim Earl is here.
Ben Zelovansky is with us.
David Feldman, three-time Emmy Award-winning writer and the host of Comedy and Everything Else, our resident Latina Steph Semurano is with us.
And we're talking, David Feldman is giving me a hard time because I'm criticizing the media for our uninformed public.
You know, so maybe, David, I'll give to your criticism that maybe the last place I should criticize is MSNBC.
Maybe that's the last place.
But I'm how about blaming the American people for being stupid?
We do.
They don't care.
The American people do not care that Mitt Romney's all over the map.
They know he's all over the map.
But I don't think they do.
I think they have very little time and energy to pay attention to too much.
They're about to get thrown out of their houses.
They can't pay for their kids to go to college.
They don't have time to sit down and watch a debate that is basically chunks of stump speech taken in turn.
And I think that they, most people, I guarantee you, never heard either one of them talk until that debate.
Maybe they're the president.
They're not condescending.
No, it's not condescending.
I'm telling you that people are a New York elitist who thinks the flyover people, the great unwashed, the ignoramuses who get to the point of being able to do it.
It's not about being ignorant.
It's about, no, no, it's not about being stupid.
It's about having so many hours of life.
The foreigns who vote are good.
They're good simpletons.
They're good mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging troglodytes who get it.
And I don't like your supercilious, condescending attitude towards these Cretans who pick our next president.
They don't care, Jimmy.
They know.
They know.
They think that's part of the job.
They think part of being commander-in-chief is lying.
That they think that's a skill set necessary.
But part of it is, do you really think they're watching the debate and going, wow, he's a good liar?
I'm going to have to do that.
They had 60 million people watching it, young man.
I know, but I'm telling you, those are.
60 million people.
You think that same 60 million have been listening to Mitt Romney for the past two years?
I promise you there's a major chunk of that that don't give a damn until it actually gets to be with the first couple of months before you actually have to vote.
That makes you feel better about yourself.
No, it doesn't.
I don't care either.
I can't not listen to it, but I couldn't care less.
I wish I hadn't heard the guy speak until the debates.
But people aren't following this the way the way that people that are political junkies follow it.
They have lives.
They have things to do.
You don't need to be a political job.
You don't need to be a political junkie to know that Mitt Romney is all over the map when it comes to abortion.
The fact of the matter is most Americans may not care as much about abortion as you do.
They may be concerned about jobs.
You know what it's going to be listening?
Excuse me for one second.
One more second.
One more second.
Because I think women are important.
We have to listen.
The problem essentially is we don't listen to women.
That's what I'm saying.
David, when you say that people don't, that people vote on the economy, I hear this a lot on Morning Joe.
This is what a rigged rejoinder from Morning Joe is that women vote on economic issues.
Abortion isn't the number one issue.
And I would like to make the point that women's reproductive rights are an economic issue.
Yes.
Because there's nothing more that affects your household economy than having a child and being able to determine when you're going to have that child.
So that is a false choice when you say it's economy or abortion.
They're the same thing.
Okay, we have to move on because Bill O'Reilly called me twice.
Answer the phone, you cabbage-crunching recovery hippie.
I've had enough of your negative show.
I'm about to tell you why.
If you're sitting on a crapper mid-loaf pinch, you might want to make sure you got enough expired coupons for an emergency wipe.
If you're going to need him, oh, wait, I'm on a crapper.
Damn, 60% off cookie books from Corsos Cookies.
Why do you always wait too long to cash these things?
The irony is too much to take.
Get way out of line.
Cut his mic.
you you So we know that Donald Trump, I don't know.
So Donald Trump this week made a big announcement.
He's, according to him, it's a big announcement.
He said he was making an offer that if, if Barack Obama opens up and gives his college records and applications, and if he gives his passport, applications, and records, I will give to a charity of his choice a check immediately for $5 million.
Okay, so there you have it.
And so guess what?
Donald Trump stopped by the studio.
We had him by the studio to try to explain that to us.
And here we go.
Today is Donald Trump.
Donald, what's the deal with your $5 million offer to President Obama?
First of all, Jimmy, I want to thank you for having me on the show.
Even though you should be thanking me, okay?
This is going to be the most colossally entertaining interview on a public radio station.
Okay.
Ever.
People are going to be talking about this.
Okay.
Well, listen, tell me, what is the deal with your five million?
What is the deal?
With your $5 million offer to President Obama.
Okay.
I meant what I said, Jimmy.
I will pay the president $5 million to the charity of his choice.
Probably one of those black charities.
But $5 million.
And that will be paid out in installments over a 50-year period.
I'm sorry, that's the only way the bankruptcy court will allow it.
So you're not really a billionaire?
No, no, I am a billionaire.
I'm a billionaire.
I have a billion dollars.
And part of that billion dollars is $5 million.
Basically, I spent that much money on Hair Shellac.
It's nothing to me.
I'm probably the most powerful businessman in the world.
That assumes that you don't count every other powerful businessman in the world.
I had an idea, a wonderful idea to rank powerful businesses in some kind of a 400 list.
It's going to be an amazing idea that I had.
It's going to be the most unbelievable list of 400 businesses.
No, they already do that.
But listen, wasn't your company just fired by the Trump Tower in New York?
No, no.
You're not really a mogul.
You're more of a building services custodian employed on a work-for-hire basis, right?
No.
No, not true, Jimmy.
It's more liberal claptrap.
I am loaded, okay?
I have very deep pockets and very short arms.
I'm very loaded, though.
I don't need any money, okay?
I'm offering to give $5 million to throw it down the garbage for one of these charities.
Okay, well, although, you know, the truth is, I don't need the money, but if you'd like your residents looked after and maintained by a quick and dependable building management service.
Why not hire the company called Trump, a name that is trusted throughout the real estate industry, except by buildings that already have the Trump name on the outside?
Ask about our October surprise special.
That's right.
If you hire us to run your building during the month of October, we'll clean your hallway carpets at no extra cost.
You just pay supplies and labor, but no other extra costs on top of that, except for a 15% surcharge and then our normal business cost.
But aside from those basic costs, we will clean your carpets for absolutely for some minor additional cost.
The point is, we'll be surprised at how much money you can save in October.
I even came up with the snappy term for it, Jimmy.
Do you want to hear what it is?
Yeah, what is it?
Savings Toba.
I think it's catch.
It's going to be one of the most unbelievable phrases that people use.
It's going to be, I understand it's trending on Twitter.
I don't know.
I don't know what that means.
I just wrote down that I'm supposed to say trending on Twitter.
Listen, Mr. Trump, we're getting off track with your info version for your business, okay?
Oh, you're welcome.
What about your offer to Obama?
Okay.
But President Obama is the least transparent president we've had in this country in the last three years.
And I would say that to him directly, okay?
Now, I know he listens to your podcast because he's too lazy and shiftless to put in an honest day's work.
And trust me, that kind of person, that's got podcast listener written all over him.
So I say to you now, Mr. So-called president, quote-unquote, I use around that president.
And these are beautiful quotes, Jimmy.
They're gold-plated and they're studded with sparkling diamonds, but they're not real diamonds.
But I would still say, Mr. President, if you can somehow prove that you are an articulate, hardworking, highly educated, overachiever, instead of the lazy deadbeat bum your skin color tells us you really are, then I will give you $5 million, which is a lot of money here in America, but it's even more money in Kenya, as you know.
Okay, you know, Obama wasn't born.
Now, here's my solemn vow, President Huggy Bear.
Are you like that, Jimmy?
That's from that show.
Remember that show?
Yeah, Stratski and Hutch.
Yeah.
I preferred Hutch.
Yeah.
I thought he was a little more business-like.
Yeah.
And I'm a businessman, so I thought he appealed to me.
He was the more by the book.
Yeah.
The Huggy Bear reference is a little insulting, though.
What?
No, I don't think so.
He was one of the better pimps.
So I say to you, President Barack Obama, if you send me your college papers and your passport application by October 31st, I promise I will welch on my offer by November 1st.
And I will also return this hilarious Obama Halloween mask that I was going to wear around town, trick-or-treating in the Trump Towers.
So you're not going to pay the money anyway.
No, no, no.
Oh, is that more?
I'm sorry.
I thought that was a given.
Okay.
No, of course, I'm not going to part with that much cash.
I mean, I may be the richest man in the world, you know, unless you go by a dollar amount.
But come on, I'm not made of money.
So, well, listen, Mr. Trump, thanks for joining us.
I'm not made of money, Jimmy.
I'm made of failed real estate endeavors.
Well, listen, Mr. Trump, I appreciate you taking time to come into the studio today and talk with us.
Why don't you eat the hairy pussy I wear on my head, you cocksucky piece of shit?
I'm sorry, can you say that on the radio?
Yes.
You can't.
Okay, good.
That's good because I'm tired of these government regulations telling me what I can and can't say about this lady's private part that I wear on my head.
Now, if you'll excuse me, Jimmy, I got to get going.
There's some kids that have been chasing me around trying to carve a jack-o'-lantern out of my head.
It's a big problem this time of year, every year.
I get this problem.
And also, at the beginning of the NBA season, I run into a lot of trouble.
Donald Trump, thank you very much.
Thank you, Jimmy.
Thank you.
That was great, Ben.
That was a great job, buddy.
But I seriously do think he has a point.
He does have a point.
Oh, that was funnier than anything I've ever heard on David Feldman's show.
LAUGHTER MUSIC That was the great Ben Zelovanski doing the voice of Donald Trump.
And I want to remind everybody: next Saturday, not this Saturday, next Saturday, November 3rd.
It's the Saturday before the big election.
We're doing our big election stand-up comedy show over at the Improv in Hollywood on Melrose and Crescent Heights.
That's Saturday, not this Saturday, next Saturday, November 3rd.
We're doing the big show.
Who's on that show?
Steve Agee is going to be on that show from the Sarah Silverman Show.
We're going to have David Feldman, three-time Emmy Award-winning writer from the Bill Maher, The Daily Show.
Who else is on that show?
Paul Gilmartin doing his jackass Republican character.
Laura Keitlinger, one of the funniest women I've ever seen.
It's a great show.
It's coming up November 3rd.
It's 8 p.m.
It's at the improv.
Links for tickets are at my website.
But right now, we're up against a break.
We'll be back in one minute.
Hey, here's an extra special bonus for our podcast listeners.
That show I just told you about that's happening the Saturday before the election, the big funny stand-up show at the Improv in Holly, West Hollywood.
I'm going to make two-for-one tickets available to the podcast listeners.
How about that?
Right?
Because we give away tickets on the radio, but we never seem to do that, be able to do that for the podcast listeners.
So I'll tell you what, here's how we're going to do it.
You send me, you want a two-for-one ticket?
I'll put you on the two-for-one list.
If you send me an email at jimmydoor at earthlink.net.
I know that's an old-timey email, earthlink.net.
But if you send it there, I'll make sure you get on that list two-for-ones, okay?
So, and I'll send you an email back letting you know, okay?
So if you want to get on that November 3rd, it's the Saturday before the election.
I'm headlining the big stand-up show, Feldman.
You heard it.
So send me an email at jimmydoor at earthlink.net, and I'll get you on the two-for-one list for that show as a podcast listener.
Huh?
Isn't that nice?
Hi, welcome back to the second half of the Jimmy Door Show.
I'm joined in studio by hilarious comedian Robert Yasamura, three-time Emmy Award-winning writer David Feldman, the author of Morning Remembrance and former daily show writer.
It's Jim Earl and Ham Operator, radio operator.
And Emmy award-winning and Peabody Award-winning, by the way.
So Dave doesn't have a Peabody Award.
David does have a Peabody.
He stole Jon Stewart's.
That's right.
And also, hilarious comedian Ben.
Where should I say you're?
I guess people should follow me on Twitter.
Just at Benz Alevan.
At Ben's Alevan.
Ben, aren't you a part of the produce the Dead Authors podcast with Paul F. Tompkins?
How about that?
Let's say that then.
For Christ's sake.
Also, with us is our resident Latina and host of the popular comedy podcast, Come and Everything Else.
It's Steph Zamorano.
Comedy and everything else is going to be coming back strong pretty soon, is what I understand, ladies and gentlemen.
You're right.
Haven't dropped an episode for three months.
Here we go.
Really?
Yeah.
It's like the puzzler on cartoons.
I just got tired of it.
I've been listening to it every week.
I thought you were just doing callbacks.
Hey, I don't know, but You know, Chris Christie famously called the first debate for Bitt Romney when Romney was down.
And a lot of people said that he was doing that.
Why, David, you tell me.
Because Chris Christie is in a clairvoyant.
He's in a clairvoyant.
Three weeks running.
Still funny, people.
You know, I actually called Chris Christie to find out how he did this.
This is right after the first debate.
Now, this is before the vice presidential debate, even.
So I called him.
I never played it on the show, and I was like, you know what, maybe I should play it.
So here it is.
Hi, we have Governor Christie on the late governor.
You know, you proved to be quite the psychic.
Governor, it's amazing that you really were able to predict that that debate was going to be the turnaround thing forever.
How did you do that?
Well, what I, well, I don't think you missed a perfect again.
What did I say exactly?
What were my exact rights?
You're going to turn this rates upside down.
No, no, no.
I said, no, you're not listening.
I said I was going to start this race into an upside-down cake.
It's all about fool with me.
And this one, I said, you know, it's an upside down.
Okay, get that pineapple soft top because Obama's from Hawaii.
All right.
Well, so do you have any predictions?
Let's get your prediction for the Paul Ryan.
Paul Ryan's going to body slam that old guy.
You see a blah blah wait.
Yes, I did.
Yeah, that's.
The weight would have gone or whatever it is.
I don't know much about fitness.
Yeah, he's all skinny and in shape.
It's gross.
Yeah, go for him real fucking quick.
All right, governor, thanks for checking in with us.
We'll call you up for a prediction for the next debate.
Yeah, I'll be sure to say some bullshit they do.
Okay, that was Chris Christie from a couple weeks ago after the first debate.
We never got to that.
What's coming up on the second half of today's show?
We're going to get to the drone strike.
We're going to hear phone calls from Mark Wahlberg.
Bill O'Reilly calls in drunk some more and a lot, lot more.
Right now, let's go ahead and talk about the drone strikes, right?
Because I'm going to play a couple clips here from the morning, Joe, again.
It seems to be the only show I'm watching lately.
And this is amazing for two reasons.
One, Joe Scarborough gets something right.
He's on the right side of this issue.
And Joe Klein proves he's a craven sociopath.
Not kidding, okay?
So they're talking about drone strikes that they weren't brought up at the debates, really.
When they were, they both agreed.
And Joe Scarborough actually understands what the problem is with it, and he gets it.
And here we go.
It's remarkable the fact that over the past eight years, over George W. Bush's eight years, when a lot of people asked, brought up some legitimate questions regarding international law, my God, those lines have been completely eradicated by a drone policy that says if you're between 17 and 30 and you're within a half mile of a suspect, we can blow you up.
And that's exactly what's happening.
Hey, Joe, hey, Joe, trust me, I know.
I know.
You talk to guys in the CIA.
You talk to people that are running this drone program.
They are focused on killing the bad guys, but it is indiscriminate as to the other people that are around them who are killed at the same time.
And the fact that neither party wants to talk about this, I think, is something that's going to cause us problems in the coming years.
Now, that's pretty amazing that Joe Scarborough, who is all over this issue from every, and normally he's, I mean, how could it be right about this, but wrong about teachers and everything else?
It's pretty weird that he gets this right, right?
And we're all, so what's happening with drones is what we used to do, like what we did with Khali Sheikh Mohammed, is we found out where they were through intelligence.
We send in some special ops guys to grab him, and then we take him to one of these black sites and we'd interrogate, you know, torture them, get the information out of them, right, and try to stop another terrorist attack.
And that's how you do, that's how you do it, but that's not how we're doing it anymore.
Now, Obama, instead of sending special ops guys, they just send a drone in to drop a bomb, and anybody within a half mile gets killed.
Here's a kill list.
It makes you nostalgic for Nixon's enemies list.
Yes.
You know, I know you think it's wrong to just be dropping these drones indiscriminately, but they're really not that expensive.
So Joe Scarborough gets this right.
So we're so just watch this how this discussion.
You're saying the media is right.
And this, yes, Joe Scarborough gets it right on this time.
Right.
So even though I won the argument.
You win.
Thank you.
As always.
I'm humiliated in front of my wife.
I beat you with my drone.
By the way, I think a vast number of Americans don't even know about the drone program.
Yes.
So quiet.
Wait a minute, Robert.
You know about it.
So everyone must know.
How do you know about it?
It must be in the media then.
It must be perfectly explained if you know about it.
That's people know about drones.
You just want to feel like you're smarter than I am.
Okay, so here's what Joe Klein has to say.
Ready?
And it has been remarkably successful.
But let me take this.
He's talking about drones.
Drones have been remarkably successful.
At killing people.
Yes, it has.
At decimating bad people, taking out bad people as well.
And saving American lives in the process because our troops don't have to go and do this.
Sooner or later, within a decade, within 15 years, the entire Air Force could be drone gripping.
You don't need pilots anymore because you do it with a joystick in California.
You do it with a damn bad thing.
Doesn't that sound like he had a little bit of glee in his voice?
Well, it is kind of bizarre.
Like, you don't have to leave the country to go bomb somebody else.
It's like, hi, honey, I'm back from work.
How was it?
Oh, I missed.
I missed some Arab.
I got his kid.
Why are you bringing California into this?
I don't get that.
Yeah, they're not doing it.
By the way, they're actually, I think, in Vegas.
In Michigan, or Ohio.
Are they in Vegas?
Yeah.
Okay, so they're not in California with the joystick.
But it's weird.
It's like, yeah, why don't we just sit in somebody in your basement eating Captain Crunch in his underwear?
Now, that's the kind of killing a sociopath like Joe Klein can get behind, you know, where you don't have to get your fingers dirty, and you can just kill people when you sit in your basement.
You're under eating Captain Crunch.
I think all we need to do is come up with a workable equation for how many Arab lives are equal to one American.
Yes.
And then from there, it's just a matter of math.
It's really mostly the universe is math.
And they're going to use those drones here in the U.S., you know, they're already selling them to major cities.
I saw a whole pallet of them in Costco.
No, no, you can't.
You know what?
You can buy your own drone.
And I'm not making that up.
Yeah, they're not very expensive.
They're selling them.
Remember how you used to have model air drones?
You can have your own.
Okay, well, that's kind of important.
Your own surveillance drone that you can buy for your kid.
I'm not making that up.
Okay, here's he keeps going.
I hate to sound like a coat pink guy here.
I'm telling you, this is causing this, quote, collateral damage.
It seems so clean with a joystick from California.
This is going to cause the U.S. problems in the future.
If it is misused, and there is a really major possibility of abuse if you have the wrong people running the government.
You mean like the people who just ran it for the last eight years?
You mean those kind of people?
How about the guy who's running it right now, who's killing innocent people?
Why indiscriminate?
The CIA has its own Air Force now.
And the money we spend on it is dark.
You don't know how much money they're spending on that.
The CAA doesn't tell you what they spend their money on.
So, have things gotten so bad that Joe Scarborough is reasonable?
Things are so bad that Joe Scarborough is reasonable.
You know, I have this to say to Joe Scarborough.
If you're worried about problems in the future, you do not belong in this country.
Joe Scarborough is to the left of Barack Obama on foreign policy.
You know, like you say that, like, it's crazy, but a lot of people are to the left of Barack Obama on a lot of things.
Shepard Smith.
If this was 20 years ago, Obama would be running as a Republican.
And if he was white.
Shepard Smith has some very reasonable opinions at times, too.
Yes.
To the left of Obama as well.
Yes.
People said, and that's a guy on Fox News.
That's the point you're making.
Yes, Jeopard Smith is more liberal than Braille.
No, I never saw it.
Did that really happen?
Yeah, some mugshots.
Oh, no kidding.
Yeah.
Okay, so here's Joe Klein.
Next subject.
Here comes the big payoff for Joe Klein.
Ready?
But the bottom line in the end is whose four-year-old gets killed.
What we're doing.
The bottom line in the end is who's four-year-olds.
So we're going to kill your four-year-old.
We're going to kill a four-year-old.
Let's be clear about it.
Let's be clear.
This is.
Even in the case of rape.
This isn't a false choice, by the way.
We got to kill somebody's four-year-olds getting killed.
You know, Jimmy, if we have to kill the four-year-olds over there so they don't, four-year-olds don't kill us over here.
That's what it's.
You know what you think?
Here's what listen to what he says.
The bottom line in the end is whose four-year-old gets killed.
What we're doing is limiting the matter.
Limiting the possibility that four-year-olds here are going to get killed by indiscriminate acts of terror.
So what we're going to do is use indiscriminate acts of terror over there first, and that ought to stop them from wanting to kill us.
That's always a justification.
So what Joe Klein is using, and Glenn Greenwald pointed this out, is the exact same theory and thinking that terrorists use.
That's exactly, in fact, what the terrorist bomber in Times Square said.
He said that drones kill people in Pakistan, and in Arab countries, they kill kids, and no one cares about them.
And so I'm just going to take revenge here.
I'm going to kill some Americans indiscriminately.
That's what Osama bin Laden says.
That's what they all say.
And Joe Klein is like, yeah, I guess we think just like them.
And that's, David, you said, no matter what we do over there, we're eventually going to do to ourselves.
And that is the thing, you know, no matter how we treat our enemy, that's how we're going to end up treating ourselves.
And so when we started torturing people, we had started torturing our own people.
Jose Padilla was tortured.
Then we're torturing our own soldiers.
Bradley Manning was tortured.
So, you know, Jesse Ventura used to run around saying, how come we only torture Muslims?
We don't seem to torture Timothy McVeigh.
Well, that's over.
We're torturing us again.
We're starting to torture us now, Jesse.
So it's happening.
And now we're killing people in this.
We are just, we've become our enemy.
Osama bin Laden has won.
Well, any black man who's ever been pulled over by a cop in this country will tell you we've been torturing and operating outside the law since the beginning of this country.
600,000 black and Hispanic people in a year could tell you that in Manhattan because New York police stop and frisk 600,000 minorities every year, 90% of them innocent.
Nine out of 10, just being harassed by the police.
And they go, well, it brings down crime.
So does martial law.
How about we start stopping and frisking everybody outside the Fox News building?
We'll see how long that policy stays in place, right?
I bet we'll catch some criminals if we have a stop and frisk policy outside Goldman Sachs.
I think Shepard Smith would like it.
The thing is, it's a story.
It's a frisk and don't stop.
That's happening in Pakistan, which is it might stop the immediate problem, but it's fomenting anger that is going to just blow up in everybody's face.
Can I say, I'll make a broader connection here.
It's part of the overall corporatization of America, where you only live your life three months at a time.
And anything that happens after the shortest of short terms, you just can't spend any time worrying about that.
It's all about meeting an immediate need to do something, no matter what consequences might come of it.
And it's just the way we've always done things that way, but it's like that timeframe is getting shorter and shorter.
Oh, sorry.
You bring up torture in the military, Bradley Mann.
There's always been torture in the American military from the very beginning.
What are you talking about?
Sad sack, Beetle Bailey.
Sir.
Sarge will never get off that guy's ass for gold bricking.
Well, you know, I just think it's so Joel Klein, the sociopath, has no problem saying that we're killing kids.
Has no problem.
And I can't believe it's not all over the news that we're okay killing kids.
We're totally fine with it.
And this is all because of the World Trade Center.
And 3,000 people died.
And how many more people have to die for this terrorist?
Right.
How many more?
Exactly.
So we're in...
Was he 16?
The son was 16.
What color was his skin?
Yeah.
And they asked Gibbs.
Robert Gibbs, which is the former press secretary to Obama.
Some kid walked up to him and said, you know, Obama killed a 16-year-old kid.
And Gibbs said, well, that kid should have thought about having a more responsible father.
No, he didn't.
Yes, he did.
I've said the same thing to your kid.
And now it's time for a reading from Morning Remembrances, the book of funny obituaries about real dead people from Jim Earle.
This obituary, this is Sam Porcello, inventor of the Oreo cream filling.
Sam Porcello, a chief scientist at Nabisco and the inventor of the Oreo cream filling, is now being eaten by millions of diabetic ants.
Porcelo's body was found face down in a vat of milk, his nutter covered with butter and dew all over his dad.
Plus, he had cancer.
No one could confirm the true origin of the word Oreo, but many believe it was derived from the sound people make when they find out they need dialysis.
Porcello invented many Nabisco snack products, including snack wells, which are currently in danger of contamination due to fracking.
Snack wells.
Fracking.
At the factory, Porcelo was known as Mr. Oreo, but at home, he was still known as Mr. Oreo.
There really wasn't much to this guy.
In 2011, Nabisco tried selling Oreos to Poland, but it was too hard to ship them with the cream on the outside of the cookie.
Excuse me.
Yes, sir.
My mother's Polish.
Can you repeat that?
Slower.
Hey, here's an interesting fact.
The moon is 238,000 miles away, right?
Did you know if you stacked every Oreo ever made, one on top of the other, you'd still have to remove half of them from Elvis Presley's impacted colon?
The deceased requested that The top be carefully twisted off his coffin so that generations of children could gaze in wonder at his cream-filled kidneys.
Thank you.
Moving.
Thank you.
The Jimmy Door show is made possible by the generous donations of our listeners.
That's you and people who help support the show.
You know how the easiest way you can help support the show, the next time you buy something from Amazon.com, use our Amazon.com link that's over at jimmydoorcomedy.com.
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I mean, that's not hyperbole.
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Okay.
So those are some great ways to help support the show.
Now, let's get back.
We got a lot of more funny stuff coming up.
Let's get back to the show.
You know what?
Bill O'Reilly actually called me again.
Now, regarding Candy Crowley moderating a debate, if I may be so bold as to offer a smidgen of constructive criticism, she is an I'd rather watch Rosie O'Donnell propel a tree out of her queef into Kevin Smith's salad, which I've seen, by the way.
Quite the turn on, but not suitable for a presidential debate.
Follow me.
Make no mistake, I got nothing against Candy per se.
But she does not come from real American stock like honey boo-boo.
If I may paraphrase from episode 14, look inward into your biscuit, embrace your neck crossed and ignore gangrene.
That's right, you boy.
She said that.
Now eat my face.
Bath salts.
Run them up new to the streets.
That is drunk Bill O'Reilly.
So we all know that there's some voter suppression happening around the country.
Just a little.
So here is, I'm watching The View the other day, and here's Elizabeth Hasselbeck, and she's going to explain voter suppression for us.
I'm going to demand photo ID for voting, right?
And some people, including President Clinton, think that it's now becoming a race issue where it's discriminating against those who may not have photo ID but who may want to vote.
This is a tricky situation.
Yeah, this is tricky.
Why tricky?
She means the Republicans are trying to trick people into thinking they're trying to protect the vote and the integrity of it when they're actually trying to suppress the vote of minorities and the elderly.
So when she says it's tricky, she means Republicans are magicians when it comes to suppressing the vote.
That's what she means, okay?
And here she goes on to, but then Whoopi Goldberg steps in and explains to her that her own mother never had a photo ID.
Whoopee Goldberg's mother?
Never had an ID.
Well, she didn't drive.
You know, she registered.
When she registered, she had her social security number.
She had a bill for where she was living so they could prove where she lived.
And they gave you a voter registration card.
And that is what she voted on.
Here's the problem.
For many, many years.
And I just want to say, so a lot of the older voters who have been voting for years and years, and some of them are not drivers, some of them don't have the means to do stuff.
Yes, Barbara.
And so that's Whoopi's story about her mother.
Then Barbara Walters, she also has a story.
And I have to then go and do it.
Okay, you go down and you stand in line and it takes forever.
And now I have my picture under.
So I really understand what it is.
It's a great effort to have to get that photo.
And so that's Barbara Waltz.
She's lived in Manhattan all her life.
She's never driven.
I guess when she was sleeping with that senator, she took a cab, right?
Well, but in fairness, also, photography wasn't invented until she was way past voting age.
That's right.
So here, so that's two stories.
Whoopi Goldberg's mom, right there next, sitting there, Barbara Walters, says it's a big pain in her ass, a woman of means.
And then here comes Elizabeth Hasselbeck.
And I know we're short on time, but I do want to say this.
They're short on time, so she's going to have to hurry if she's going to sneak in a little misinformation.
That's what she's saying.
So here she goes.
Ready?
She's short on time.
Well, it is a woman's show, so misinformation is.
That's her name.
And so the only misinformation.
And so now we've got, so now we've got overwhelming evidence.
We've got Whoopee's mother, Barbara.
And so the only person who could still defend these quote-unquote voter ID laws would be the most extreme party hacked or an imbecile.
And thank God we get a two-for-one with Elizabeth Hasselbeck.
And I know we're short on time, but I do want to say this.
It is a great privilege in this country that we get to vote.
Wrong.
Not a privilege.
Not a privilege.
It's called a right.
And it's funny.
It's kind of ironic because you would think that the first person to know the difference between a right and a privilege would be someone of privilege on the right.
I was very proud of it.
Oh, good word for it.
I'm very proud of myself.
Anybody can follow that?
So I just corrected Elizabeth Hasselbeck about it's a right and not a privilege.
Somebody else also.
For women, it's kind of a privilege.
It is kind of privileged for women.
It sure is.
You're welcome.
You're welcome, honey.
So I just corrected Elizabeth Hasselbeck about the right and a privilege.
Whoopee Goldberg actually corrected her in real time.
And it's like water off a duck's ass to Elizabeth Hassel.
But I care if she comes back.
That right to vote.
That right to vote, which is also a privilege.
She just keeps going.
She just keeps going.
No matter, just water off a duck's ass.
Okay, here, let's get it ramping up.
That right to vote, which is also a privilege, as I say it is a blessing, should be protected with airtight security.
Yeah, the kind of airtight security that suffocates voter fraud and any Democrats' chance of winning.
You know, you know, you guys need to back off, and I think we should all reread the Bill of Privileges.
So here's Elizabeth Hasselbox, the last thing.
I do think the problem is that not everyone does have photo ID.
However, I don't think to solve the problem, it means allowing errors in our system, holes in our system to allow those in next go-around, not this go-around, to vote without that idea.
Yes, you know, these errors in our system, you know, these that no one has ever driven, these holes in our system that no one has ever driven a truck through.
You know what I'm talking about?
We've got to fix this problem that doesn't exist.
And then she throws in, not this time, but next time.
Next time as if so that makes her seem reasonable that she wants to fix this problem that doesn't exist, but not right now, but next time.
There's a hole in Elizabeth Hasselbeck's system that I wish we would close.
Concentration camp.
Who can think in a place like this?
Nazi party.
Who's bringing the dip?
Goebbels?
I just want to say for the record, Elizabeth Hasselbeck makes me embarrassed to be a woman.
Oh, is that terrible?
That is terrible.
I can't stand her.
And I hate that she has a platform.
And I can't believe that anybody can sit at that table with her and be able to ever speak directly to her.
Now it's time for our final call from Bill O'Reilly.
If the Huffington Post doesn't have another cyborg story, I'm all, I'm going to set the geezer bandit on fire.
But I digress.
Door.
When I was a little boy, I was raped by dolphins.
So God made me have a baby that eats starfish.
Wow.
I never told that story to Noah One before.
That was cleansing.
Thanks.
Anyway, this election is very important, Jimmy.
Regardless of your party affiliation, I urge everyone to get out of there and vote on November 10th.
Like my great aunt McDougall's Bar and Grill used to say, suck butter for my ass.
I shit on your mud guard.
That's Mike McRae, the hilarious Mike McRae doing Bill O'Reilly, Drunk Bill O'Reilly, as written by Jim Earl.
The earlier Donald Trump sketch was performed by Ben Zalovansky, written by Frank Conniff, TV's Frank, who couldn't be with us tonight because he's in New York performing on the, you know, he's a busy man now these days.
He had to move across the country.
He was needed.
His comedy was needed in New York.
So thanks to everybody who contributed.
Today's show was written by Mike McRae, Frank Coniff, Jim Earl, Robert Yasamura, Steph Zamorano, and Mark Hentman Van DeLundt.
And I know I'm not pronouncing his last name correctly.
Why do you say that?
Why don't you know, Jimmy?
Because I've never heard it said.
I've only seen it in print.
Okay, there you go.
Who needs these explanations?
Nobody.
Did you enjoy today's show?
I sure hope you did.
I know we promised you to get you the Mark Wahlberg.
That's going to have to wait till next week.
We had a little technical problems after we do that one.
So thanks for bearing with us.
And thanks for your support on the podcast, by the way.
And we'll see you.
Don't forget, November 3rd, right?
November 3rd, we're going to see you at the improv in West Hollywood.
That's the Saturday before the election for the big stand-up show.
Don't forget, if you want a two-for-one ticket, send me an email at jimmydoor at earthlings.net.
I know it's an old-timey email, but that's why I'm using it for this purpose.
Right?
Okay, so I don't want to give a quick shout-out.
Thanks to everyone, the people who help donate their time and talent to this show.
Sean James, the help stick members fixed by Macintosh.
Anytime you have a problem, he does it right over the internet from New York City.
You can get a hold of him if you've got a problem he can help you with.
You just email him at machelp at seanjames.com.
That's M-A-C, MACHELP at SeanJames.com.
And you spell Sean, S-H-A-U-N.
And Frank Pulaski, our great video editor, takes some of the phone calls and bits we do on the show.
He puts video to him so then everybody can get to see him on the internet.
And he's from Dreamtime Films.
You need some video editing done.
Frank Pulaski.
God bless Frank Pulaski.
Okay, that's it for this week.
Oh, and Don Quixote, who made the caricature of me that we used for the Young Turk show, I always want to give a shout out to Don Quixote for doing that.
Okay, that's it for this week.
Thanks for listening.
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