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Sept. 29, 2012 - Jimmy Dore Show
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The Jimmy Dore show starts right now.
This week marked the 64th Primetime Emmy Awards.
All I know about them is that they've had them 64 times.
Once again, this year, I didn't watch the Emmys because no TV shows hired me to write for them last season, which is their loss.
When you first move to Hollywood, you think, I really want to work on a good show.
After a couple of years, you think, I really want to work on a show.
Fortunately, there are plenty of those kind of shows.
TV is such an effective diversion that almost anything you watch does the job of getting you from 8 p.m. to Jay Leno's monologue when you quickly shut the TV off.
Like most people, I watched too much television as a kid, but back then it was a fantasy of a magical place.
You wanted to go, much like the future itself, which it takes many years to realize is not actually coming.
That's why it's called the future.
Of course, nobody looks back on their life and says, I'm really proud of all the TV I watched.
I must have killed 40 years sitting there changing channels.
But we do like sitting there.
Last year, I returned my cable box to Time Warner due to the ridiculously high price they were charging me for the privilege of not watching True Blood.
Then recently I got the consolation default TV antenna box with all the Korean channels, Jack Benny, and the Twilight Zone.
The reruns are kind of fun until you notice the commercials are all directed at people with infected hips.
anyway someday i'm gonna read a book The kind of people that are.
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you, T-Vale.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's episode of the Jimmy Door Show.
I'm joined in studio.
Across the glass from me, former writer for The Daily Show and hilarious comedian.
It's Steve Rosenfield.
Hi, Steve.
How are you?
Hi, Jimmy.
How are you?
Steve, you're getting a lot of action on the Jimmy Dore clips that you're a part of on the Yahoo Railroads Network.
Well, I could use some action.
I'll tell you that.
A lot of people.
A lot of action.
Next to you, host of Comedy and Everything Else, the popular podcast.
It's Steph San Murano, our resident Latina.
Hi, Steph.
How are you?
I'm great, Jimmy.
I'm a proud member of my union.
Yay, yay.
Okay.
And across the table from you, he's back.
We haven't seen him since July.
Yes, that's right.
It's Paul Gilmartin, the host of, I've even forgot the name of your show already.
That's how long it's been.
So is he?
Mental illness happy hour.
The Mental Illness Happy Hour Podcast, chosen one of the top 10 podcasts of 2011 by the Onion AV Club.
It's Paul Gilmartin.
Hi, Paul.
James, it's good to be back.
All right.
Good to have you.
And of course, next to him from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and CinematicTitanic.com, it's TV's Frank Frank Conniff.
Hi, Frank.
How are you?
Hello, Dare.
All right.
It makes us laugh every time.
Some from last summer.
I haven't.
Yeah, that was in tribute.
I haven't done that in a while.
That was in tribute of Baldington.
That's like one.
That's like one shade hipper than Mammy.
We got, this is Frank's last show.
Well, my last in-person.
I hope it's not my last show.
It's be my last in-person show.
Yes, Frank is moving to New York for a little while, and we'll have.
Say a little while.
Thanks for the optimism about my gig there.
And I'm sure that whatever show he's going to be working on won't blast, and he'll be back before you know it.
I think that Ishtar the series is going to be a big shit.
Let's do some jokes before we talk about what's coming up on today's show.
Did you know that the, you know, you remember Todd Aiken from Missouri?
The guy.
Missouri.
The guy that broke rape down for us.
Yes, legitimately.
They let us know where phony rape fit in the rape landscape.
That's right.
That's Todd Aiken.
And did you know that the GOP leaders are finally coming around to supporting him, finally forgiving him for saying out loud what they all think.
In fact, Todd Aiken recently pulled another boner.
And he recently referred to Claire McCaskill as not being ladylike.
He said she's so unladylike that if she got raped, she would get pregnant.
Which to him, you see, is unladylike behavior.
That's unladylike behavior.
And Ritt Romney is trailing in Ohio.
What?
Yes, trying to get his numbers up.
And the show people, he thought out of touch, he recently recommended Andy Williams be inducted to the rock and roll hall.
You've got to be kidding, right?
Okay.
I was like, that's how, that is how stiff and white he is.
For a second, I thought you might not be able to do that.
Well, you know that Andy Williams just died, right?
Yes.
Okay, so what is coming up this week on this week's show?
Well, why is there gridlock in Washington?
Joe Scarborough lets us know.
It's not the extreme nupjobs that have hijacked his own party.
No, but what it is, it's more like Obama's unfriendliness.
And we're going to talk about that coming up.
Also, the right wing is freaking out about the Romney campaign.
They're saying they're not believing the polls that say Barack Obama is trouncing him in the swing states.
The right wing says the idea that Barack Obama is beating Romney is a complete falsehood created by pollsters who are not counting thousands of imaginary Republicans.
So we're going to talk about that coming up, plus a lot lot more and some phone calls.
We have Tom Brokaw calls in today and Luke Russert has a phone call with us today.
Friend of the show.
Friend of the show.
That's a lot lot more than that is coming up on today's Jimmy Dore show.
Oh, Rush Limbaugh's penis, too, is coming up.
Oh, I heard about that.
What's this?
I'll hear it for the first time.
Plus, Rush Limbaugh's penis.
Jimmy, we want them to stay.
Oh, okay.
We don't want them to leave.
The idea of the tease is to stay with the show.
Time for another installment of Oh My God.
Okay, this week's episode of Oh My God, we go to an old stalwart, an old friend of the show, Pat Robertson, ladies and gentlemen.
I was going to say, you can't go wrong with a southern preacher.
When in doubt.
When in doubt, you go to the hole or the well, the well.
Your wheelhouse.
The well.
Yeah.
You go to the A-hole.
The A-Well.
So here he is.
Let's just hear what he has to say today because God was talking to him about the election and what's going to happen.
I spent the better part of a week in prayer and just saying, God, show me something.
That sounds normal.
I'll show you yours if you show me my God.
For a week, I'm about 80.
I'm just going to go in prayer for a week and ask God to show me something.
God, show me something to direct the hatred in my heart.
Yes.
But I love the fact that God wouldn't show it to him unless he first had to go ask.
God's like, I got this stuff to tell Pat Robertson, but he won't ask me.
Why won't he tell me?
Here we go.
I'll share with you some things I'll share with you.
I think he showed me about the next president, but I'm not supposed to talk about that.
So God has told him who's going to win the election, but he's not supposed to talk about it.
Pat, you can't tell anybody about it.
Don't screw this up.
I mean it.
Mitt Romney knows who's going to win the election.
Boy, that God is.
He's quite a prognosticator, isn't he?
Yeah.
He's a big gossip, it sounds like.
He's a regular clairvoyant.
Oh, my me.
You can't tell anyone this.
He got into the numbers hustle in the 70s.
Hey, God, God can tell who's going to win this election, huh?
Wow.
I should take him to Vegas with me.
Here we go.
I'll leave you in the dark.
Probably just as well.
Probably just as well.
I think I know who it's going to be.
All right.
I'm going to read just what I wrote down.
And as if I'm hearing from the Lord these words.
Your country will be.
I like that at least he said kind of a Freudian slip.
He said, as if I was hearing them from the Lord.
Because you weren't hearing them from the Lord.
As if you're making this up.
And how do I know that you were making it up?
Because I don't think God would say stuff like this.
Your president holds a radical view of the direction of your country, which is at odds with the majority.
This is what God told him.
Did God write an op-ed?
You sure you didn't fall asleep with Liz Cheney out in the background?
God must be using that tweet thing where it can be more than 140.
Yes.
Expect chaos and paralysis.
Your president holds a view which is at the odds for the majority.
It's a radical view of the future of the country.
And so that's why we're having this division.
That's funny that God.
God seems to know that Romney's going to get elected.
God seems this is a spiritual battle which can only be won by overwhelming prayer.
The future of prayer.
God just said, I need everybody to go and keep begging me.
That's what God said.
I did a lot of begging and that, Yeah, it's the system I've set up to fix these things.
Because nobody else would set this system up except God, right?
God sets up the system of begging.
The world is at stake because if America falls, there's no longer a strong champion of freedom and a champion of the oppressed of the world.
There must be an urgent call to prayer.
That's right, sweet.
So then, he turned the page.
The Lord said.
So then, so then he says, so then the Lord said, ready?
A time of maximum stress and peril, greater than at any time since the CB administry began.
This country will begin disintegrating.
Now, I thought, when did we start this place?
I started CBN in, I think, 1960.
First of all, I thought he was going to say, when did we start this BS?
But he says this is 1960.
So 1960 started the 700 Club.
We had, you think of all the things that went on.
You had the assassination of president, assassination of Martin Luther King.
You've got a war in Vietnam.
You've done all these things.
He said it's a worse stress than before.
So I'm saying, God, let me give you some suggestions.
And you tell me if any of them are right.
Pick one.
So he's talking to God.
God's playing this cat and mouse game where he can't tell him everything because I don't know.
He can't tell him everything that's going to happen because God signed an NDA non-disclosure.
God, you don't have to say anything.
Just answer yes or no.
So that's what he's doing with God now.
And I don't know if you've noticed, but God is very coy in the fall.
God is very coy, especially about the chaos.
And so that's exactly what he's doing, Frank.
It's so funny.
He's doing the, since God signed this non-disclosure agreement, he can't answer any questions, but he can say yes or no.
Here we go.
So I said, is it an AMP blast?
No, that isn't it.
Is it a cosmic or solar radiation blast?
No.
Is it the Mayan galaxy alignment?
No, it's not that.
Spiritual shock, many.
Is it Iranian or North Korea nuclear threat?
No.
Is it an earthquake or a volcano?
No.
Is it a massive power failure?
No.
Get ready.
What is it?
It's an economic collapse.
And God said, and I quote, this is not my judgment.
They are bringing it upon themselves.
And that's him quoting God.
I don't know if you caught that at the end.
He goes, and this is God talking.
And I quote, he's quoting God that he heard.
He should have gotten it on tape.
Here he goes.
What did God say?
He's quoting now.
No.
What is it?
It's an economic collapse.
And God said that I quote, this.
And I quote.
That was a good catch.
Jimmy.
And God said that I quote, this is not my judgment.
They are bringing it upon themselves.
This has been, oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
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And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Hey, so I was, I don't know if you've been watching the news lately, but, well, with only six weeks left until Election Day, all the polls, the Quinnipiac poll, the New York Times poll, the CBS News poll, they all show President Obama leading in the crucial swing states.
That's Missouri, Ohio, Florida, Iowa.
And as Obama's lead grows, so does the number of conservatives who claim in general that the polls are biased and can't be trusted.
That's what they're saying.
Where are they in 04?
Again, reality.
In 2000, where were they?
Again, reality, when it doesn't match up with how they want it, they just change reality.
Here's Dick Morris.
He was on the.
He's always right.
Now, if you know Dick.
Yes.
If you know Dick Morris is he's famous for helping Bill Clinton, but then even got more famous for telling secrets to a hooker he was with that Bill Clinton had told him so it embarrassed Bill Clinton.
So here he is.
He's talking with Sean Hannity.
He's a regular contributor to the show in hand.
He's like the smart guy they go to.
He's like the Carl.
And by the way, he's never been right about anything ever predicted ever on Fox News.
I mean, someone should put together a compilation of all the predictions he's made.
None of them ever come true.
Okay, so here is the ladies and gentlemen, the world's greatest tea leaf reader.
Look, I don't feel I can predict here right now.
I can't tell you what's going to happen on November 6th.
I can.
And I would urge the Romney campaign to act as though it's the fourth quarter.
They're down a touchdown, and they need, you know, no huddle offense, and they need to bring it into the end zone.
So there's Sean Hannon.
He's laying out the case.
Hey, you guys, we're behind.
We got to really do something drastic.
We got to shoot the president.
But they can't do a Hail Mary pass because they hate women.
Oh, there you go.
I was wondering in this, I was just wondering in this scenario, is it a union referee they're using or a non-union?
Oh, good point.
Say what?
Well, obviously, with six weeks to go, Romney could mess it up.
He could mess it up.
He had seven years.
You know, Dick Morris, as a professional political prognosticator, you can't even tell the difference between could and did because he already messed this up, okay?
It's like saying Manson's going to lose it.
So they don't believe the polls.
In fact, Fox News poll also has Obama up.
So here, there's more.
I mean, he could lose the debates.
But for him to lose this election, it would be so obvious that he's messed it up because he's at the moment in a very strong position.
To come in second.
Yes, he's going to be in the top two, that's for sure.
He's going to get the silver.
There's nothing better than being behind in Ohio and Florida.
If you're a presidential candidate, makes you work harder.
That's the sweet spot.
I believe if the election were held today, Romney would win by four or five points.
I believe he would carry Florida, Ohio, Virginia.
I believe he would carry Nevada.
I believe he would carry Pennsylvania.
Oh, come on.
How about California?
How about New York?
I just saw a poll in Pennsylvania by a group that I've hired in the past, and I trust that polling poll.
Okay, hold on.
Let me back.
I think he's just trying to lure Obama into a false sense of qualification.
I love he says because he's at the moment in a very strong position.
Yeah, Mitt Romney is a total top.
We get it, okay?
And the polling group that he hired, you can find them at willtellyouwhatyouwanttohear.com.
They specialize in polling that just tells you exactly what you hope.
There's more from that coming.
We're going to talk more about that coming up.
Frank, there's even a better quote on its way.
But I just can't get over how he says that Mitt Romney's in a very strong position.
He's the only guy I've heard say that.
The guy every Republican was trying not to nominate to the point where Herman Cain was once considered a contender.
Somehow this guy's now in a very strong position.
This is a strong position.
The guy from whom Republican congressional candidates are distancing themselves.
His vice presidential candidate is distancing himself from him.
He pretends he doesn't know him.
Paul Ryan's acting like Mitt Romney's got cooties.
Is it opposite him again?
Is it opposite day at Dick Morris' house?
Is that what happened?
Or did a prostitute dare Dick Morris to go on national TV and say that stuff with a straight face?
That's what I think happened.
Okay.
Could Romney win this election?
Absolutely.
How can I say that?
Honey boo-boo is a thing, people.
America as a whole has a questionable judgment.
So Mitt Romney could still win.
However, Dick Morris makes it sound like Romney could win every swing state without breaking a sweat.
With another candidate, he might be right, but it's Barack Obama.
Even if Mitt Romney were Santa Claus, he'd have trouble getting 51% of the children to vote for him.
He's got more to say this, Dick Morris.
I swear to God.
People need to understand that the polling this year is the worst it's ever been.
If you like Romney, it is, yeah.
Oh, my God.
Direction.
Where if I tell you who's going to vote, I can tell you how they're going to vote.
You tell me that you're black or Latino or a college kid or a single mother, I'll tell you how you're going to vote.
Not Romney, okay?
If you tell me you're over 65, you're a man or a married white woman, I'll tell you how you're going to vote, and I'll be right two out of three times.
He'll be right two out of three times.
So let me just tell you what the percentage that is.
He's going to be wrong 33% of the time.
So he's going to be wrong 33% of the time.
And we all know that presidential elections are decided in between like four or five percentage points.
So he's not going to help you.
Okay, here we go.
By his own metrics.
Here we go.
There's more.
What is happening in this country is the people are overwhelmingly concluding that this guy isn't up to being president.
And the media is convincing us that Romney is caffing and fucking.
Yeah.
So it's the media is convinced.
It's the exact opposite is what looks that they're reporting is actually happening.
Mitt Romney's actually gaining ground and Barack Obama is actually losing ground and Barack Obama is going to lose this election.
It's just a media concoction that he's doing well.
By the way, after Jim Morris is done spewing his nonsense, he returns to his cave where he can get back to coveting his precious magic ring.
There is, I believe, a slight possibility that if everybody thinks that Obama's got it in the bag, older people do tend to be more citizen-oriented in terms of going out and voting.
Old people just turn out no matter what.
They're more involved in the judicial system.
So there is this, but is it enough to overcome that margin?
Well, yeah, I mean, overconfidence that Obama's going to win is not a good thing.
They actually have, they actually have, so now what they've done, you know how they've created their own right-wing media echo chamber?
So when Paul, when Paul Ryan goes up at the convention and lies, and then the and then news people debunk him, they create their own news reports that say he wasn't lying.
And then they all cite, see, he wasn't lying.
Look, no.
Or like when they debunked their Fast and Furious member, was it Forbes magazine or Fortune magazine that debunked the Fast and Furious?
So it got debunked.
Well, they just, then newsbusters just created another news report that said, no, no, no, Fortune magazine is wrong and we're right.
So they just create this parallel universe of unfacts.
Right.
And so now we'll never get anywhere because we can never solve a problem if we don't agree on the facts that we're using.
And they won't agree on them.
They just invent new facts.
I'll give you, here's a perfect example.
Here's Dick Morris talking.
So they just invented polls.
So they invented this thing called unskewedpolls.com, where they list the polls that are more favorable to Romney.
Every poll has Romney leading.
There's not a credible poll in the country.
Even Fox News' poll has Romney losing.
But somehow at unskewedpolls.com, they have found every poll.
So here's Dick Morris again.
Today we'll talk about the real poll numbers.
The media is circulating this myth that Romney is in serious trouble.
Well, on Friday, I looked at the real poll numbers by an organization that I can't name, but I trust it.
Oh, my God.
The real poll numbers are hidden.
He talks about the polling place like they're a heroin dealer.
And they do polling on the side.
Hey, FYI, when someone says, trust what I'm saying, I have a secret source that never works out really well.
That ends in the bombing of Cambodia, the invasion of Iraq, and me thinking my girlfriend won't get pregnant because we did it in a pool.
Never heard that one.
Yeah, trust me on this.
I have a secret source.
That's what he said.
I love the kind of, would you like to hear that again?
Because that was fun for me.
Today we'll talk about the real poll numbers.
The media is circulating this myth that Romney is in serious trouble.
Well, on Friday, I looked at the Real poll numbers by an organization that I can't name, but I trust it.
That's how real those numbers are.
Well, you need to remain anonymous when you're putting something as explosive as poll numbers out into the public sphere.
You know, the secret polling organization is so secret, Dick Morris only communicates with them when he's drunk.
And the real reason he believes Romney is ahead is because it feels better than panicking.
They're the most dependable polling organization since Darby O'Gill and the Little Peace.
Frank, on his farewell performance, is trying to squeeze in as many 70-year-old references as possible.
We have to get to a phone call.
Luke Russert.
We know Luke Russard's a big fan of the show.
And Luke Russert, the world's most successful intern, who worked his way up the very tough media ladder.
Both steps.
Yeah.
He was born, and then his dad died.
Those are really tough steps.
That's called paying your dues.
And then he got the job on NBC as their white, as their congressional correspondent, right?
And he has a penchant for telling you stuff you already know.
I don't know if you've ever heard one of his reports or been fortunate enough to hear all the information, but here we go.
Here's Luke Russert.
We actually got him on the phone.
Hi, I have my guest today is Luke Russert, the Capitol Hill correspondent for NBC.
Luke, thanks for joining us, buddy.
Thanks, Jimmy.
I am indeed on Capitol Hill, the home of our Congress, which is made up of two bodies: the Senate and the House of Representatives, and it's part of our three branches of government: federal, legislative, and judicial.
Yes, Luke, I already knew that.
Well, I mean, reporting on stuff you know already is what I sort of specialize in.
I just wanted to add that Congress, where I'm reporting from, is part of the legislative branch of government.
One of my sources informed me of this just the other day.
Pretty awesome, huh?
I'd like to ask you about Todd Aiken.
Republicans all threw him under the bus, but now a lot of them have come around to supporting him.
Do these people have any convictions at all?
What do you think, Luke?
Well, these Republicans will tell you that they do have convictions, but that their thinking has evolved.
But isn't that just a bunch of crap, Luke?
Well, Jimmy, Republicans will tell you that it's not a bunch of crap.
And both sides do it.
Both sides do it.
Both sides do it.
Both sides do what?
I'm not sure.
It's just saying both sides do it.
Second nature to those of us in the Belway Press.
it just seems like a cool bodacious thing you could add to any sentence Seriously, though, both sides do do it.
Knock, knock.
Both sides.
Luke, you're around these Republicans in Congress all the time.
But I'm also around Democrats in Congress, Jimmy.
When it comes to speaking with me, both sides do it.
Wow.
The way I use both sides doing that sentence was freaking awesome.
So cool.
Okay, okay, but I want to ask you: how can these Republicans continue to support a man who uses a term like legitimate rape?
How can they be so disrespectful of women?
Well, but Republicans will tell you that they're not disrespectful.
Many of them have a firm moral conviction that all women are whores.
But that's reprehensible.
Well, it's not my job to say whether it is or not.
I report both sides of an issue.
On one side are people who think that women should be treated with respect and equal pay.
And then on the other side are those who feel that women are meat and should be kept in walk-in freezers.
Both sides have an argument to make.
And it is my job, my inherited job, to find the balance between both positions without ever giving the public any actual information.
I'm sorry, Luke, but I think you have a lot to learn about journalism, buddy.
I have to agree with you there, Jimmy.
You know, when my dad, Tim Russert, hosted Meet the Press, Dick Cheney described it as, quote, a place where we can control the message.
I realize that I'm not yet at the point where a powerful politician can depend on me to help him sell a phony war that will kill thousands of innocent people, but it is certainly something to aspire to.
That is definitely true.
Well, Luke Russert, thanks for joining us.
Speaker 3: Don't ever call me again, old man.
Of course, the voice of Luke Russert performed by the inimitable Mike McRae.
No, that doesn't technically actually sound like Luke Russert, technically, but it is a hilarious impression of how I think Luke Russert all sounds to us in our brains.
And Mike McRae pulls it off again.
The hilarious Mike McRae.
Okay, I want to let everybody know coming up Saturday night, September 29th, depending on when you're listening to this podcast.
I don't know.
People listen to it at all different times.
Some people listen to it right away.
Some people wait till Monday morning.
You know, I'd prefer you listen to it.
The sooner the better because these jokes are kind of topical.
But everybody does their own thing.
So I'm reminding you that this Saturday night, September 29th, 8:30 p.m., we're doing Left, Right, and Ridiculous at the Improv Lab.
And that's in Hollywood at Melrose and Crescent Heights.
And if you've ever seen the show before, you know it's hilarious.
If you haven't seen it, what the F is wrong with you?
It's a great show.
We're doing a sketch.
We have sketches.
We have stand-up comedy.
And we play video clips.
And a celebrity panel makes fun of the talking heads saying some of the dumbest stuff you've ever heard.
We're going to have Frank Conna from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
David Feldman will be joining us from the David Feldman Show.
And he's the three-time Emmy Award-winning writer for Bill Maher Show and the Daily Show.
So it's, plus there's more surprises and other stuff happening.
And that's tomorrow night.
Well, depending on when you're listening.
So September, last Saturday in September, September 29th, 8:30.
There's a link for tickets, which are very affordable over at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And while you're over there, I just wanted to like to remind you this show is made possible by the generous donations of our listeners.
If you like the show, it depends on you supporting it.
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People always wonder, hey, are they sending you the money?
Yes, believe me, it works.
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Go one time to jimmydoorcomedies.com.
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But right now, let's get back to the show.
We've got Tom Brokaw in the second half of the show.
Does that excite you?
It should, because it's hilarious.
Okay, let's get back to the show.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome back to the Jimmy Door Show.
I'm joined in studio by a former writer for the Daily Show and hilarious comedian.
It's Steve Rosenfield and the host of Comedy and Everything Else, the popular podcast.
It's Steph Zamarano and from the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast, chosen one of the top 10 podcasts in 2011 by the Onion AV Club.
It's Paul Gilmartin who's with us.
And from Mystery Science Theater 3000, we have sitting in with us Frank Conniff.
It's TV's Frank.
And what's coming up on the second half of today's show?
Tom Brokaw is going to call in later on to give me a hard time.
Plus, we're going to check out what Mitt Romney accidentally said, something that was not good.
And Rush Limbaugh's penis shows up on this second half hour.
Plus.
Hello, where'd everybody go?
Okay, let's see.
Right now.
So Mitt Romney, once again, accidentally let the cat out of the bag, and he revealed the real reason behind the GOP's agenda against public school teachers and their unions.
I'm going to play it.
So here we go.
I don't know that I would prevent teachers from being able to strike.
I do.
Yes, you would.
Yes, if you could, you would.
Okay, now let's go back.
I just think the most important aspect in being able to have a productive relationship between the teachers' unions and the districts and the states that they're dealing with is that the person sitting across the table from them should not have received the largest campaign contributions from the teachers' union itself.
We have a very unusual system in this country.
It's not just related to teachers' unions.
It relates more broadly.
Yeah, we have an unusual system in America, one where politicians being funded by corporations are the epitome of freedom, but one that gives voice to educators is seen as evil.
Yes, we have a really unusual system.
Our energy policy was dictated by lobbyists that used to work in government.
Right.
So Mitt Romney used to work for Bain.
Bain is the number eight contributor to the Republican Party.
So when he becomes president, they won't need, they'll have the guy from Bain in the United States.
Money well spent.
Yes, he'll be, you know, so it just will be the new haliburton in terms of so he's saying, he's saying that he is saying that political contributions, campaign contributions, can corrupt the system.
And he's going to say that if we're going to have a system in which politicians are corrupted by campaign contributions, that campaign money should not come from people who drive Chevys.
Well put.
That's what he's saying, right?
Yeah, basically.
I mean, for all the political leverage teachers have, it's not like they perform any useful function in our society, is it?
Okay, I think he has a little bit more to say.
But people are able to give, and in the case of the Democratic Party, I don't mean to be terribly partisan, but I kind of am.
In case of the Democratic Party, the largest contributors to the Democratic Party are the teachers' unions, the federal teachers' unions.
And so if they can elect someone, then that person is supposed to be representing the public vis-a-vis the teachers' union, but actually most of their money came from the teachers' union.
It's an extraordinary conflict of interest.
Yeah, kind of like when we mic energy policy sitting across the table from blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
We're in financial industry.
Nobody is held accountable because everybody went to Yale together.
Yeah, yeah.
See, democracy can only work when power is shared equally by everyone on Mitt Romney's side.
And while our side is systematically crushed, that's how democracy works.
I hope that doesn't sound too partisan.
Well, he's just, you know, he's just really mad about the way the teachers crashed our economy a few years ago.
Yeah.
Hear, here.
Frank, you remember when we, I remember on this show, you were saying, teachers, enough with the credit default swaps.
Yes, exactly.
You were saying enough with the opaque derivative markets.
When are the teachers going to stop using our money to trade derivatives on an opaque market?
And so now the teachers are expecting some kind of free ride from the government.
Yes, they are.
You never saw that happen with the financial industry.
No.
I just want to wring their bejeweled necks.
So that's the whole game.
They hate the political power of teachers.
That's the whole reason they're against teachers' unions because they're against teachers' interests.
That's why aka workers' interests.
First, regular people and non-property owners get the right to vote, and then teachers get to have a voice in government.
When will this madness end?
It's really like the turn of the 20th century again.
It's a division between labor and management.
Yes, it is.
Yeah.
And they're trying to, and they're successfully rolling back a lot of the things that labor achieved during the 20th century and made people not aware of how much we take for granted that we got from unions that we didn't have before.
Oh, we don't need unions anymore.
We don't need those.
CEOs are nice.
They know when to be fair with their compensation.
Time Warner knew when the time was right to cut my paycheck by 66%.
You know, we talked about this when all this stuff was going on in Wisconsin a while ago.
Someone on Fox News actually, they were slamming teachers, and someone actually said, I mean, they only have to work till 3 o'clock and they get the summer off.
I mean, they said that.
Right.
And Coulter made fun of elementary school teachers.
Like, all they do are babysit.
Yeah.
So I'm glad that none of the mainstream media ever lets add culture on the air.
Oh, wait, they let her on all the time.
I forgot.
Her hair looks great every time.
It really is ironic.
Hitler never lived long enough to see his ideal woman.
Nice.
Okay, welcome back to the Jimmy Door show.
I'm going to be talking about coming up.
Tom Brokaw calls in a little bit later.
Right now, let's talk about Morning Joe.
Morning Joe's show is getting even worse.
You guys, I didn't think it could.
But here, so Hillary Clinton gave this speech the other day, and it made a lot of noise.
And so here, this part of it made some noise.
It is a fact that around the world, the elites of every country are making money.
There are rich people everywhere.
And yet they do not contribute to the growth of their own countries.
Okay, now.
That is a basic fact of history that she just stated.
Not just our current, But all of time itself.
So you don't consider raping a maid a gift?
No, because it takes her away from cleaning the house.
All right.
You know?
Okay.
People agree to disagree, Frank.
Okay, so here we come back to Morning Joe.
And here is how Joe and Mika, Joe and Mika.
By the way, if you like to, if you are entertained by visually watching a battered wife syndrome happen, this would be the good show for you.
It's like there's a weird cross between she's like a battered wife, and then she gets to play like the den mother, where she's kind of like the killjoy.
She's the wet blanket for when the guys want to goof around.
It is the at the end of every episode, she tells everyone that she fell down a flight of stairs.
I think if I was a woman, I would be really embarrassed about Mika Brzezinski.
Okay, so here she is.
So after Hillary Clinton says that, here's what they say.
I love her.
She's right.
There are rich people everywhere.
And the point is.
She's right.
She's rich.
What is your point?
Okay, so it's just that kind of insightful analysis that keeps me in favor of merit pay for news commentators.
Did you hear them not?
Okay.
Okay, here I go.
I'm going to play the video.
Go ahead.
She's about to get in the mode of explaining to her husband why she burnt the roast.
I mean, she's on the right side, and she still manages to sound dumber than a teabagger defending.
Well, she sounds frightened.
Yes.
Okay, ready here.
I love her.
She's right.
There are rich people everywhere.
And the point is.
She's right.
She's rich.
Things are a little tense there.
Yeah, I don't, first of all, it's like Joe's point is: well, Hillary Clinton's wealthy.
How could she know what the hell she's talking about?
Is that his point?
How would she possibly know?
I suppose if Hillary were poor, Joe Scarborough would say she has no money.
What does she know?
All right.
So he's got her coming and going on this one, right?
And it's like, it's like that Mika keeps her argument concise and barely adequate, which is nice.
But there's more to be said here.
Hang on.
By the way, this is how Mika argues, and she has the facts on her side.
That's how she argues.
She might get a challenge from the idea that rich people are not contributing at all to the growth of their countries.
And I think if she runs for president in 2016, you'll probably see a lot of that clip.
Yeah, I think she probably offered that a little bit.
That's fine.
You know, no clue, Yannis.
I'm saying it like it is.
No, that's not like it is.
Wow, and that's what we heard from Willie Geis there.
Yes.
Future host of the Today Show, by the way.
Yes, Willie.
If Hillary does run for president, she'll have to explain how she ever said rich people are greedy because nobody will ever believe her.
No clue, ya.
I'm saying it like it is.
No, that's not like it is.
It is.
If you want to go on a war against job creators, going to war against God.
Oh, come on.
No, seriously.
Yes.
Trickle down.
It'll all trickle down.
It'll all get to you.
Don't worry.
The rising tide lifts.
Like never.
I'll tell you what we do.
First of all, you know what I love?
I love that when Joe gets confronted, he's forced to repeat the same cliches that are working so well for Mitt Romney.
Yes.
So well.
Good plan.
He's got a little bit more, I think.
Why don't we spend trillions and trillions of dollars and give it to bureaucrats in Washington, D.C., because that'll help turn around our economy in four years.
Oh, wait, no, it didn't.
It's actually worse now than it's been.
But you know, they blame Obama for the expansion of government?
Are you kidding me?
George Bush, who started two or three wars?
I can't even keep track of how many wars he started.
Medicare Part D. Yeah.
George Bush, Medicare Part D, two wars.
Unfunded, by the way.
Unfunded.
I was about to say no one thought of paying for any of it.
No.
And these people are all now that a black man is president.
They all care so much about the deficit.
Yes, all of a sudden.
That's right.
They wouldn't pay for anything they wanted to do.
I think it's really funny how Joe Scarborough never even weighs in and goes, you know, I know a lot of people that are contributing to our nation.
I myself contribute to our nation.
Right.
And it's also, it's just a fact that, and, you know, he'll contradict himself when they get to this other subject.
It's a fact that the wealthy in this country are sitting on a ton of wealth and it's not moving at all.
And then when the next discussion comes up, he'll say, well, there's uncertainty because Obama's president.
So that's why they're not investing their money.
It's certain that they hate him.
Yes.
Well, the contradiction, when someone says that, I tell people, this is what you say back.
They go, oh, but the businessmen need certainty.
They need certainty so they can risk their money.
Well, that's not risking then if you're certainly the certainty and risk don't go to those are opposites, right?
That's why you reward risk because it's uncertain.
How much risk is it when you have a trillion dollars?
Yeah, I know.
You spend some.
You're going to have a trillion, a little less than a trillion dollars.
Put $100 million aside for as mad money and leave it on the dressing.
Yeah, it's like these people have no risk in their lives in many ways.
Well, I just think it's, you know, it's great that he says that line about, hey, rising tide lifts all boats.
That goes back to Reagan.
That's what they used to say.
If rich people get rich, everyone will also somehow get richer.
A rising tide lifts all boats.
Yeah, if they're yachts.
What about the people that don't even have a boat?
They just drown.
Yeah, that's right.
You drown.
You hang onto a tree.
That's what you do.
That's what that is.
It's nice.
And he also does the thing where he says the rich people pay most of the tax.
It's so crazy.
I mean, the people with most of the money end up paying for stuff.
That is weird.
Why can't we get poor people with no money to pay more taxes?
I mean, if we can sell them houses they can't afford, we can certainly get taxes out of them that they don't have.
So let's do one more Morning Joe clip because, Frank, when I saw this, I thought it would drive you crazy, which is why I immediately downloaded it.
So we want to know why there's gridlock in Washington.
Here is Joe Scarborough is going to tell us what's wrong with Washington.
Ready?
And why we can't, America can't get stuff done.
You're talking about Barack Obama.
It's what the New York Times is writing.
He doesn't build personal relationships.
That's hurt us in Washington.
It's why we have gridlock in Washington.
And it's why we have a mess in the Middle East.
Because Barack Obama doesn't build personal relationships is why we have a mess in the Middle East.
It has nothing to do with the 10-year war that we invaded another country, the birthplace of civilization and ruined it, killed a million people, spent a trillion dollars.
It has nothing to do with that.
It's because this.
And you know, the Congress, it has nothing to do with the crazy right-wing teabaggers who have taken over their party to the point where they can't even put up a decent Republican presidential nominee.
It's because President Obama isn't friendly.
Because this incredibly charming politician who has politicked his way to be leader of the free world has no people skills.
He has a little bit more to say.
You're talking about Bill Clinton, the guy who was a master.
He was the master, Bill Clinton.
remember how many friends Bill Clinton made in Washington?
He made so many friends that after six years there, they impeached him.
LAUGHTER MUSIC The Jimmy Dora show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, JimmyDoorComedy.com.
So I'm going to play a clip right now.
I think it's going to explain a lot of things.
A lot of questions you've had about Brush Limbaugh.
This will explain it.
I have a story from Philadelphia.
CBS News, CBS Eyeball News.
If size matters, male private parts are shrinking, according to a new Italian study on sexuality.
The study's leaders.
Kids are back in school now.
It's okay.
What's September 20th?
It's just adults out there now.
Yeah, because you know, during the summer, all the kids tune into Rush Limbaugh.
Tell me what channels, Rush on.
Honey, I don't want to listen to Lady Guy Guy.
Where's Rush?
Okay.
The study's leaders claim to have bona fide research.
Bonafi, probably here.
Bona fide research that says the average size of a penis is roughly 10% smaller than it was 50 years ago.
And the researchers say air pollution is why.
Air pollution, global warming has been shown to negatively impact penis size.
Do you have another reason, Rush, that might reflect negatively on you?
Let's hear it.
I don't buy this.
I think it's feminism.
I mean, if it's tied to the last 50 years, the average size of boner killers.
10% smaller than 50 years has to be the feminists.
Yes, yes.
Strong women make Rush's shrink, just like facts and accurate information makes his audience shrink.
You know, the original title of Ms. Magazine was going to be Shrinky Dink.
That is Rush Limbaugh letting you know that when he's around a strong woman, he feels his penis shrink a little bit, ladies and gentlemen.
I think that explains a lot.
That explains Sandra Fluke.
That explains pretty much everything he's said over the last 20 years.
Rush practically doesn't have a penis left.
Right.
So there's anger.
Because if they say for every 10 pounds overweight, your penis shrinks an inch, that's true.
So I just think it's that, I don't know if it's air pollution or whatever.
I just think his people are fatter now.
And Rush Limbaugh, you know.
He has an innie now.
Yeah, he has, it looks like he's, yeah, yeah.
I know when it comes to my penis, the trickle-down theory applies.
I know when it comes to my penis, I know when it comes to my penis.
Okay, I want to remind everybody, don't hey, I didn't tell you about this one.
November 3rd, that's the Saturday.
That's the Saturday before the election.
We're doing the big election comedy show at the improv, right?
Not the improv lab, but the improv, which is right next door.
So it's our stand-up show, big election stand-up show.
That's November 3rd.
It's the Saturday before the election.
So mark it down.
And tomorrow night, which is September 29th, we're also doing a show at the Improv Lab.
It's left right and ridiculous.
That's where we show the videos and the sketches and the stuff.
You know how it goes.
So hopefully there's a link over at the website, JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And so use that.
We'll see you over there, okay?
And if you're looking for one more way, here's a fun way to help support the show.
Fun way?
I don't know if it's fun, but it's a nice way.
It's a good way, right?
If you're ever going to send flowers to somebody, usually people wait till holidays, but you can send them any time, which I do.
And ProFlowers kicks us back some money if you buy some flowers from them.
How do you do?
They give you a deal, too.
If you just mention our code, you get a free vase.
Doesn't that sound nice?
Yes.
And how do you do that?
You go to proflowers.com.
You click on the microphone in the upper right-hand corner and you type in Jimmy D, and it's that simple.
And, you know, they have flowers bouquets starting in 1995, right?
So go over there, proflowers.com.
You type in the code Jimmy D, it gets you the free vase.
And then plus, on top of that, they send us a little money back here to help support the show every time you buy some flowers.
And it's a really great way to help support the show.
And you know, we don't work with every company that wants to work with us either, right?
So ProFlowers are good.
Their flowers stay fresh, guaranteed to stay alive and fresh for a week after you receive them.
So ProFlowvis.com, go send somebody flowers.
They'll love you.
Send them to you.
Say hi to your mom, your girlfriend, your sister, what have you.
Your grandmother, how about your grandmother?
Give her some flowers.
Make their day.
And then at the same time, you make our day because it helps support the show.
You go to proflowers.com.
You click on the microphone in the upper right-hand corner.
You type in Jimmy D. Okay, now let's get back to the rest of the show.
Tom Brokaw is coming up.
All right, so Tom Brokaw, you know Tom Brokaw.
Now, Paul, you didn't hear this last week, but Tom Brokaw was trying to describe Paul Ryan, his speech at the convention.
In fact, he was trying to say that Paul, because Paul Ryan lied so much that even Fox News debunked him.
But, you know, it's impolite for news people to actually give the news straight to the, because polls show that people want their newsmen to soft pedal the facts, right?
And so this is exactly what Tom Brokaw does.
Here he is talking about Paul Ryan's speech.
With that, Carly, with all due respect, was that, for example, Congressman Ryan overreached a couple of times and got caught in those overreaches.
The Janesville plant, for example, which was.
Overreaches, Paul.
He calls him over here.
It's closed in 08.
They ended up blaming him.
He's never overreached in his rhetoric.
And the cuts in Medicare, which were very similar to what he had in mind, taking on the president for not invoking Simpson Bowles, which I agree with him on that.
I think the president made a mistake in not playing upfront Simpson Bowles.
He was a member of Simpson Bowles, and he voted against it, went on the floor, and said it's not a good idea to do it.
So I think that's a problem for the Republicans in overreaching.
They can make a very good case about the last four years, but when they overreach, then the next day stories are all about the course corrections that have to be made.
And I think it goes to their credibility, Sam.
And I think the American people are out there looking and saying, I don't know which of these guys to believe.
Yeah, see, because when Paul Ryan lies, people go, I don't know who to believe now.
The Democrats, what?
See, because one party's lying, that means both parties are lying.
Both sides do it.
Well, he's treating it like the tactic of lying is what's wrong.
It's not the morality of lying.
Yes.
That's a great point.
That's a great point.
We've been listening to this for two weeks and nobody's made that point.
That's why you're here, Paul.
That's why you're so paul.
I got to actually get a call from Tom Brokaw over at the Young Turk show that we're doing over there.
And here it is.
Right now we have on the phone with us, we have legendary broadcaster Tom Brokaw.
Hi, Tom.
How are you?
I'm fine, Jimmy.
It's great to be here.
Even though the fact that you are a young Turk means your prostate is too small to be part of the greatest generation.
All right, Mr. Brokaw, I got to ask you, do you really think the generation you're always writing about was really the greatest generation?
Well, Jimmy, that's the generation that stormed the beaches at Normandy and made the world safe for democracy.
Do respect the generations that came after our useless pieces of crap.
But Mr. Brokaw, you know, subsequent generations fought for things like civil rights, feminism, marriage equality.
Don't you have any praise for that generation?
Well, of course I do.
All that civil rights and feminism stuff is just adorable.
I'm more than willing to call them the cutest generation.
Cute?
You're going to call them the cutest generation, really?
Yes, I'll be the first that the troops who fought Hitler for all their valor and bravery never came up with any cute viral cat videos.
This generation is top in that department, no doubt about it.
Mr. Brokaw, you're still very active in the world of broadcast journalism.
That's right, Jimmy.
I admit that I am getting on in ears, but that hasn't diminished my passion for going into TV studios and pontificating thoughts of bland conventional wisdom.
That's a journalistic fire that never leaves the belly.
But Mr. Brokaw, if you don't mind me saying so, you're quite timid when it comes to holding politicians accountable for their actions.
I'm going to have to disagree, Jimmy.
I wasn't afraid to call out Paul Ryan for overreaching.
You see, that's exactly what I mean.
You won't call him a liar.
You just keep saying he overreached.
Jimmy, I'm not here to give you a lesson in Washington journalism 101.
But the first thing any reporter learns is never say anything about a politician that will make things awkward if you run into him or her at a Georgetown dinner party.
Really?
You know, I never heard that.
Jimmy, when we reporters are covering stories of national import, there is a lot at stake.
When you interview or do commentary on a powerful figure, what you say and the way you say it has the potential to ruin an entire weekend on Martha's Vineyard.
You know, that doesn't seem very important to me.
No.
Well, let me paint you a little picture, Jimmy.
Just imagine yourself spending the whole morning riding a moped all over the vineyard, looking for just the right Chardonnay to go with the Gaspancho you've prepared for your casual power run.
Put all this effort into making everything just right.
And then Donald Rumsfeld spends the whole party sloking because he didn't like that someone on your broadcast said there were no weapons of mass destruction.
Well, there's mass destruction, all right.
Of the delightful soiree you were hoping would be the kid of.
I've seen it happen, Jimmy.
That's something responsible journalists should be ever vigilant about.
You know, Mr. Brokaw, I'm sorry.
I just have to say, I just don't think you have your priorities straight.
And that's why your generation sucks.
All right, Mr. Brokaw, I really appreciate you taking time out and joining us today.
Lick my balls, webcast guy.
Lick my balls, webcast guy.
Okay, it's the voice of Tom Brokov and Luke Russer performed by the amazing, hilarious, inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcray.com.
Today's show was written.
That's right, it was written by Mike McRae, Frank Conniff, Steve Rosenfield, Robert Yasamura, and Steph Samurano.
Today's show is produced by me.
Who cares?
We'll see you this weekend for shows at the Limprov Lab, Left, Right, and Ridiculous.
And November 3rd, the last Saturday before the election, we'll see you at the improv for a special election stand-up show.
And want to give a shout-out on the podcast to the two gentlemen who donate their time and talent to make the Jimmy Dore show possible.
First up, Sean James.
If you have any problem with your Macintosh, he can fix it for you right over the internet.
You don't have to leave your house.
He helps me out on a weekly basis.
How do you get a hold of him?
You send him an email at machelp at seanjames.com.
Machelp at seanjames.com.
You spell Sean S-H-A-U-N.
Plus, shout out to Frank Pulaski from Dreamtime Films.
God bless Frank Pulaski.
He takes some of the bits we do on the show, some of the phone calls.
He puts video to them because he's a deft video editor.
And you'll see those videos up at my YouTube page and also up at the Facebook.
And we put them up at the website.
So they're all around.
That was a big shout out to Frank Pulaski from Dreamtime Films and to Don Quixote, who gentlemen, great guy.
He does great caricatures of things.
And he did a caricature of me that we use at the web series over at the Young Turks, right?
So a big shout out to Don Quixote.
Okay, that's it for this week.
Until next week, this is Jimmy Dorr saying.
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