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Oct. 5, 2012 - Jimmy Dore Show
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The Jimmy Dore show starts right now.
This past Wednesday night, President Obama and Governor Romney faced off in the first of three presidential debates.
The conventional wisdom leading up to this debate was that Obama needed only to be Obama for 90 minutes, while Romney desperately needed to be somebody else.
I predict that Fox News will proclaim Romney the winner because their jobs depend on it.
Generally speaking, Romney was more aggressive than Obama, yet he managed to remain unlikable.
Obama spoke with more authority and used more detail, but he has actually held a job.
I don't think the debate will help Romney that much, except that it was 90 minutes in a row where nobody was talking about the 47% video.
Of course, like most debates, it'll be the unimportant stuff people will talk about.
Romney seemed a bit high strong and used his hands too much, and it was impossible to tell if he was being more genuine or less.
But maybe some people like that.
I'm guessing about 45%.
Of course, I would have liked more jokes from Romney, especially since the audience was told not to laugh.
Not surprisingly, Romney used most of his time talking about how much he cares about people.
So either he was lying on that video when he said he didn't care about people, or he was lying at the debate when he said he did.
Though I'm sure Romney is capable of both caring and not caring about the exact same people.
Ha ha ha ha!
I want a party now!
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
the show for up-minded, lowly-livered lefties.
The kind of people It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you today.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's episode of The Jimmy Door Show.
I'm Joyden Studio.
Across the glass for me, former writer for The Daily Show, hilarious comedian.
It's Steve Rosenfield.
Hey, Steve, how are you?
Hey, Jimmy, how are you doing tonight?
I'm doing great.
Thanks for being here, huh?
Well, it's nice to be here.
All right.
Next to you is a hilarious comedian, my old buddy from The Road, the winner of the 2009 San Francisco International Comedy Competition.
And his DVD is entitled Stand Up Underground.
It's Tom Simmons.
Hey, across the table, it's David Feldman, ladies and gentlemen, three-time Emmy Award-winning writer, 23-time Emmy1-winning loser.
It's David Feldman.
Hi, David.
How are you?
Hi, Jimmy.
It's like old times.
And by that, I mean your recycling jokes from 2004.
It's great to be back on the show.
Okay, this is where it all started.
Yes, you know what?
We're just going to get into it.
Today's show, the theme, if you're a first-time listener to the show for whatever reason this week, this show should be slapped together is the term you should keep in your mind because we normally record this show on Thursdays and it goes to air on Friday.
But I'm out of town this week and I'm in Indianapolis.
So if you're in Indianapolis right now and you're hearing this, you probably came out and saw me tell jokes already.
So I'll see you this weekend, this Thursday, Friday, and Saturday at Morty's in Indianapolis in the good part of town.
And also, just walking into the studio, the host of Comedy and Everything Else, the popular podcast, it's Resident Latina Steph Zamorano.
Steph Zamarano is here.
Say hi, Steph.
Hi.
Okay, there you go.
Okay.
All right.
You sound like a battered wife for a second there.
But all right, so now, coming up on today's show, so Jimmy, why are you doing a show then?
Why didn't you just air a best of?
Because the debates happened, and I made a decision.
There's nothing to play for a best of.
I made the decision last night to come in today and do a show after the debates because I figured we want to talk about him.
And boy, did I not expect that we would be talking about him the way we're talking about him now.
So we're going to get to that.
Plus, we're going to talk about undecided voters.
No, they're not all suffering from head trauma.
They actually are thinking things over.
Undecided voters, we take a look at them.
Plus, our good friend Todd Aiken came out and said, you know, that's Todd Aiken.
You know, you take away the legitimate rape comments.
And, you know, he's just a regular guy who wants to punish victims of rape and incest.
He really is.
So that's Todd Aiken had some more to say.
And we're going to talk about that.
And that's it, really.
Now, usually I say a lot lot more because some people called in.
You know, Tom Brokall called in last week.
Nobody's calling in this week.
It's just us.
Just us.
So we have to fill like crazy.
We're going to fill like crazy.
We're talking about the debates.
We're talking about all that stuff.
And plus more.
there is a little bit more on this week's Jimmy Dore Show.
Time for another installment of Oh My God.
Okay, in this week's segment of the Oh Mike, Oh My God segment, we'll go to go right to the source, Tony Perkins.
You know, he's, what's the name of his focus on the family assholes?
What is his?
He has a something, something asshole.
Something.
He's a Christian, some Christian kind of a jerk organization.
And here he is talking about the shows in Hollywood that he thinks are hostile to religion in America.
You know, because how is religion going to survive if people make fun of it?
Okay, here we go.
You bring up a very good point.
And look, just going back to events just here in the past week where we have seen the administration come out and say, we condemn anyone who denigrates the religious faith.
And they came out in regards to this anti-Muslim film.
Well, that's well and good.
But my question is, when has the administration condemned the anti-Christian films that are coming out of Hollywood?
Where is the...
See, they're all, see, they're going to say something about the Muslim film.
Either way, he's got him coming or going.
You can't, no matter what he does.
Nobody has anything to say about that.
I'll play some more then.
Hang on.
There are the federal investigations into shows like South Park, which has denigrated all faiths.
Where is the outrage when people of the Christian faith are subjected to this humiliation that's coming out of Hollywood?
You have to let people know what's going on in the country.
These stories are, I mean, they're stacked up on my desk right now.
The numbers of instances of people who have been facing attack because of their faith in Jesus Christ.
Are you kidding me?
Okay, so yes, so this is what they're talking about, Tom.
They're talking about this guy is upset that, again, people are being persecuted, like South Park.
He's upset that South Park is making fun of.
Are you watching South Park?
Then why do you care if it's making fun of you?
What about the Christian churches that are preaching that cause kids to kill themselves because they're gay?
Or they go out and fight for people not to have equal rights.
Yeah, but Tom, hate is good when it goes that way.
When hate comes from Jesus and the church and it goes towards secularists, you know, like lesbians and gays and abortionists and that, then it's good.
But if someone ever holds up a mirror and says that the church is doing something bad, well, then, you know, that they're being persecuted.
And why doesn't Barack Obama stand up for the Christians?
That's what I say, David.
I think this is dog whistle politics.
I think it's a veiled insult against the Buddhists who control Hollywood.
And I agree with Tony Perkins.
I am so sick of being in a writing room with all these Buddhists.
They're very clannish.
Do the jokes just come to them?
Yeah, they just.
Yeah.
And they're not funny.
That was actually, that was actually Todd.
Todd wasn't, he was at a thing from Focus on the Femme, but that was actually Fox News's Todd Starnes.
That was Todd.
So I just want to get that correct.
So somebody will send me an email saying.
I'll get my douchebags confused.
I'm sorry.
Yes, okay.
You know, it's just so surprising that not once does he ever think to say, and, you know, I'm just, I'm praying for the South Park people.
I'm just going to sit here and pray for them.
Instead, they're humiliated by cartoons.
They're humiliated by cartoons.
Yes, that they.
We're losing members.
We only have a trillion.
So they're upset that the Muslims get upset when people insult their religion.
And their response is to get upset when people insult their religion.
You know what?
My whole thing is if when people get upset that you're insulting their religion, it just proves the phoniness of their religion.
Because if you really believed your religion, that if you do these sets of things and God's going to let you go to heaven, you wouldn't be upset if someone else didn't believe that and made fun of it.
You would feel bad for that person.
Because I've had people as a stand-up comedian in the audience get up and yell at me, you're going to hell.
They'll say at the top of their lungs.
And I'm like, if I really...
Sit down.
We'll talk about this after the show.
You're right where I want you.
Murray.
I always say to those people who scream at me, you're going to hell.
I always say, if you really believe that, wouldn't you be nicer to me now?
Wouldn't you be that's the whole point.
Like, if you really thought that if you really knew I was going to, for eternity, burn in a lake of fire, you would feel sorry for me and be nice to me now.
You wouldn't be full of hatred for me.
So my point is when someone is angry at you for ridiculing their religion, it's because what you're doing is touching that part of their brain that knows it's all a lie.
It's that part that they secretly doubt because they secretly doubt.
Mother Teresa didn't believe in Jesus for God's sake.
Bible said for Christ.
She didn't.
She didn't.
No, if you look at it.
That's the first time I've ever heard that.
Okay, well, you should.
She also didn't believe in her.
I know nothing about her.
Yeah, you guys aren't really up on it then, but it was when she, when she denied it.
She got past me.
She got right past me.
And she didn't believe in condoms either.
You're right, David.
And so, yes, she didn't.
Or makeup.
The eyeliner.
What about Jesus condoms?
She did believe in sensitive shoes.
Sensible shoes.
I said sensible.
No, she's she, at the end of her life, they read her diaries and she had lost her faith.
I think that was Anne Frank.
No, that was Mother Teresa.
She lost her faith in Anne Frank, actually.
She lost her faith?
Yes.
You didn't know about this?
But didn't they attribute all that to her depression?
Mother Teresa, I mean, Christopher Hitchens brought this up.
That's how I found out about it.
I'm finding out about it right now.
Yes.
Oh, yeah, she lost her faith.
And, of course, all the great gig.
So you can't really.
So she couldn't walk away from it from helping the poor.
Yeah.
How did she help the poor?
By telling them not to use contraception?
Here's Fred Jackson.
He's from the American Family Associations of Assholes.
He's their news director.
And here's what he was saying about that shooting in Aurora, Colorado.
Let's hear what he has to say.
Bottom line is this piggyback morality is a really critical component.
And unfortunately, so many lawsuits from groups like the ACOU have driven any mention of God in the public arena out so that in the public schools, one is left with the impression that, you know, God has no place in the public schools.
Well, in the early days of American, of the American experience for the first 200 years.
You know, like when blacks weren't regular people yet and women couldn't vote.
You remember that time?
What did they do then?
The Bible was the chief textbook in the American experience.
It was the Bible, in fact, that gave birth to education for the masses, which ultimately led to public schools.
I believe they used to call it reading, writing, and retardation.
The Bible being the retarded.
Wasn't the Bible often protected from regular people?
That's why you needed a priest, because it was written in Latin and that you could, nobody could read or speak it, so that you needed them to come tell you what was in the book.
Isn't that the whole point?
Wasn't that the whole point?
No, they didn't want you to know what was in the book.
Yeah, yeah, so but you had to come to them to find out what was in the book.
Am I wrong about that?
Because if you knew what was in the book, you wouldn't come to them.
Yes.
And those priests want you to know the book was very dull.
Way too long.
Almost as dull as that debate tonight.
We're getting to it.
People could read the Bible for themselves.
And now the Bible is this.
It's as if the Bible is a forbidden book.
By the way, the Supreme Court never said that the Bible was forbidden.
It just said that in the Constitution, there's a separation.
There's the established.
You can't teach it in school.
He's pretending that they're not writing laws and changing constitutions and they're being persecuted.
They're not.
They are the people persecuting.
Does he not?
Yeah, that the Christians are the ones persecuting people?
Yes, I know.
But that's the great game they play where they're the victims.
It's arguably child abuse to tell children they're going to hell if they don't think this way or if they you start to question.
They're like, that's the devil.
The devil wants you to question.
And if that child abuse doesn't work, they go to step two.
They teach child abuse, which is actually how it is.
Here's my thing.
I don't know if you know this about me because I kind of keep this to myself.
You're Jewish?
Yes.
And as a Jew who speaks for 80% of the American Jewish population, I know that 80% of all Jews listening will agree with me.
As a Jew, I welcome the Bible in our schools, but only the New Testament.
Do not teach the Old Testament.
The Old Testament belongs to the Jews.
That's ours.
Only teach the gospels.
Only teach the teachings of Jesus.
Why is that?
Because then students have to learn what Jesus believed in.
So if the Christians, because they say Judeo-Christian to shut the Jews up.
Yes.
But they really mean Christian nation.
When Pat Robertson talks, he says we're a Christian nation.
But there's not enough Jews to, he knows that.
Right.
So they're only going to stay on the coasts in New York and L.A. As a Jew, and 80% of all Jews in America will agree with me.
By all means, teach the New Testament.
Why is that, you think?
Because they don't quote Jesus anymore.
They quote the Old Testament.
They look to the Old Testament.
To justify their craziness.
To justify their greed.
The Jews have the Talmud.
Right.
That's their New Testament.
So I'm all for the Bible in the classroom, but only the New Testament, only the Gospels, only the teachings of Jesus about the meek inheriting the earth.
Right.
And let's hear what.
I have the camel, rich man into heaven, all that.
Absolutely.
Sure.
I say, and I know I speak for 80% of Jews in America.
We're a Christian nation.
Only teach the New Testament.
No, David, isn't it true, though, that Jews, Christians, and Muslims all worship the same God?
Yes, it is true.
I'll answer that question.
Except none of them think so.
None of them think that the other one worships the same.
So they have different prophets.
They have different.
Yeah, so you see, now the Muslims think that Jesus is a prophet from God, whereas the Christians think Jesus is actually God, and they do it through the Trinity.
So the Muslims don't have the Trinity, but the God is the same.
And the same thing with Jews, is that the God is the same.
They just have Moses and blah, blah, blah.
But the God is the same.
Yeah.
It's the same God.
So Jesus came down.
He was from God, but the Jews don't.
I always thought it was ironic.
The Jews, right, they're waiting for the Messiah.
He comes.
He's Jewish and they don't accept him.
That's like if Chicago was waiting for the greatest basketball player, Michael Jordan showed up and they traded him.
Right.
And you don't find any humor in any of that?
No, I'm just thinking that we should.
No, because they've been beating us over the head with that for a couple thousand years.
That's why it's not as funny as it used to be.
What, Bulls fans?
Us.
Who?
Oh, you mean the thing about Jesus?
Accepting Jesus.
Oh, okay.
Well, it's new to me because I didn't know many Jews growing up, so it's fun to be around guys like you, and I can rub your face in it.
Here's the thing: I think we should follow Jesus' teachings on homosexuality, on prostitutes, on poor people.
Everything he has to say about that, we should forgive and follow.
And the tax collectors.
And the tax collectors render unto Caesar.
Right.
So let's listen to the Blessed.
The Bible was not allowed in the public schools in a devotional type of context, but you could read the Bible as literature and so forth.
But you know what happened?
A lot of these principals and teachers out ACOU, D-A-C-O-U, if you will, and they banned the Bible for all practical purposes.
Playboy magazine has a better chance of being read or looked at by me in the public schools than a copy of the Holy Scriptures today.
That's because there's less violence in a Playboy magazine, isn't there?
There's less raping and there's less violence.
It's more useful.
A lot of carnage in that Bible.
You know, if you really want to go after some horrible, dark, evil stuff, it's in the Bible.
First of all, nobody's reading Playboy magazines.
Nobody's reading actual magazines anymore.
You're telling me that the Braille version of Playboy isn't flying off the shelves.
And the other thing.
You can rub it as hard as you want, and you're not going to get really anything out of it.
When I was in school, I was going to masturbate to something.
I'll tell you that right now.
Yeah.
When I was 16, 14, 13, I was going to masturbate to something.
And I think this guy would rather have me be masturbating in a Playboy than the Bible.
Than the Bible.
I agree.
I don't know if you're out of respect.
But if you read the Song of Solomon.
Oh, I was just thinking about that.
You can spend some time in there for example.
Oh, yeah.
The Song of Salvador's all about it.
Yeah, getting it on.
And then they have the.
I'm serious.
It's just, it's unbelievable.
And then we wonder why all these terrible things are happening to us when there is no fear of God.
Yeah, so that's why the Aurora College, Colorado Aurora shooting happened because there's no fear of God.
So the only way for us to have a conscience is to fear God.
Yes, yes.
It's all about fear.
He wasn't the only one doing that.
I mean, Rick Warren was saying the same thing, and that was the next day after the shooting.
And he hosts, like, yes, presidential debates.
He spoke at Obama's inauguration.
He was the guy.
He was the guy who put the bed, right, didn't he?
It's hitting right.
I'm telling you, it's getting right.
The guy I do my podcast with is very like, he's on all the lists and gets all the emails from these groups.
And that whole Ralph Reed organization is strong, and they've, you know, they've changed 31 Constitution.
They're even ready.
They're going to the next five weeks.
They're going to be from the pulpits, organized, telling people how to vote.
Are they allowed to do that?
They're not supposed to be.
They're not supposed to be, but they're challenging.
Yeah, the IRS is never going to come after a church.
They're not going to do it.
They're filming them and sending them to the IRS.
But they did already.
Like the Amendment Battle North Carolina was like, I'm not going to tell you how to vote, but here's how God wants you to vote.
Here's how the Bible wants you to vote.
And here's how Billy Graham wants you to.
Well, I actually think they did go after that.
All Saints in Pasadena, the IRS, was investigating them because they're very politically active.
Yes.
Yes, that's right.
So they're more liberal.
They weren't conservative.
They're like Christian organizations.
And then they say when the IRS goes after them, they go, Christians are being persecuted.
We're not allowed to keep our money.
Right.
This is.
Well, how funny.
Mitt Romney's calls the 47% are moochers who don't pay any federal income tax.
Does that include the church?
Last time I checked, none of those guys were paying federal income tax.
Touche.
All right.
Let's see.
Let's play this and see what happens.
Do you think that he could be a forerunner to the Antichrist, yes or no?
Talking about Obama.
Well, you know, I've talked a little bit about eschatology.
Maybe we can devote more of a program to it someday.
Eschatology is the end of the world.
It's the study of the end of the world.
End of times, yeah.
It's like looking at Torrance, California, basically.
That Satan is always grooming a religion to be a counterfeit world religion.
He's always grooming some spiritual leader to be a counterfeit kind of antidote to Christ or alternative to Christ.
And he's always grooming a worldwide political system with one man at the top of the pyramid.
Boy, these guys talk about your conspiracy theories, huh?
Am I out of my mind or is this?
And sometimes we can kind of readily see who he's grooming for that.
Other times we can't.
But I believe, according to Revelation, that's been the ongoing battle between Christ and Satan since the first advent of Christ.
That's what's going on down all of human history is Satan trying to groom a counterfeit religion and an alternative leader to the Messiah to come in to power.
Where Barack Obama could fit into that, I think it's too early.
It's too early to say.
Oh, he's on the fence.
He's on the fence.
He could go either way with us.
Up until that point, Barack Obama could he be the antichrist that Satan is grooming?
Too early to tell.
He's like Bill O'Reilly.
Too early to tell.
He's reasonable.
Yeah.
I have an open mind about it.
You know, the evidence isn't in yet.
The evidence isn't in yet.
First of all, how come everybody who goes to hell has to burn in a lake of fire?
Except Satan seems to be able to, like, he's like cruising around in a BMW, turning people against God and stuff.
And he's like, he's the worst one.
Yeah.
And how come he gets to be happy?
They go, well, that makes Satan happy.
I thought he's in hell.
How can you be happy in hell?
So it's his place, though.
I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes dungeons and dragons are inconsistent.
Right.
You know, the Mormons think he was Jesus' brother, and then they were cast down here.
And that's why black people are black because they're more charred from the enter in the fire.
The mark of Cain.
That's why they're the evil people until they needed a running back at BYU.
LAUGHTER MUSIC This has been, oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
The Jimmy Dora Show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
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Welcome back to the Jimmy Door Show.
I'm joined in studio by former writer for The Daily Show.
It's Steve Rosenfield.
Next to him, the winner of the 2009 San Francisco International Comedy Contest.
It's Tom Simmons.
Across from him, it's three-time Emmy Award-winning comedy writer from the Bill Maher Show and The Daily Show.
It's David Feldman, also the host of Comedy and Everything Else, the popular comedy podcast.
It's Steph Zamarano.
So the whole election is all coming down.
This debate mattered.
Everything matters right now because who's everybody going after?
They're going after those people in the middle, the swing voters, the undecided voters, the independent voters, the people who haven't made up their mind yet.
And it always frightens me that the people who haven't made up their mind yet haven't made up their mind yet, and yet their vote gets to count just as much as mine.
How could you still not know?
These are the people who only watch the Super Bowl.
Yes.
They're invited to a Super Bowl party.
They sit down and they go, what is this?
Right.
So we should bet on presidential elections.
That's what I'm saying.
Everybody, instead of, you know, Australia makes people vote.
By law, you have to vote in Australia or you get fined.
Really?
Yes.
I think by law.
I never knew that.
Yeah.
How do they know if you vote?
I guess they would have some kind of system where they check your name off.
Forget that.
I say everybody should be forced to bet on the presidential election.
Everybody has to make a $100 bet.
I agree.
And you follow politics.
You'll get interested.
That sounds regressive to me.
You'll get interested.
It does sound aggressive.
I don't have $100.
Right.
I'd go $10.
So CBS.
So CBS News did a little show on CBS News.
They did a little segment on the undecided voters, right?
So I'm going to play.
So they had to, right away, they go to here's a little lady, and here's her situation.
House and foreclosure, no job.
Nope.
I'm the 47%.
I'm on food stamps.
And Medicaid.
So I'm one of those people.
And she's an undecided.
Right.
Her house is underwater.
She's on Medicaid.
She's unemployed.
And she's undecided because she's not sure if she wants to vote for Barack Obama anymore because she's still pissed off at him for extending her unemployment benefits all those times.
Which only made her lazy.
Yes.
See, now she's so lazy, she's undecided.
She might want to sleep on a sidewalk now.
She's not sure.
Do I want to sleep in my house?
Do I want to sleep on a sidewalk?
She's not sure.
She's undecided.
So then they profile a Latino gentleman, and here's what he has to say.
Is he going to vote?
They're always profiling Latinos in this country.
What are Governor Romney's strong suits to you?
His business side of you.
And he knows how to make money.
And our country needs to start making money.
Yeah, sure.
That's what America needs to do.
We need to outsource all our jobs, and that will create a lot of profits.
And then we can take those profits and sink them into the Caymans.
And then America will be back on top.
We need to do it just like Mitt Romney.
Now, you said he was Hispanic?
Yes.
Cuban.
This gentleman?
Was Cuban.
They call him Latino.
He was Cuban.
Okay, well, here's what he's doing.
He's Marco Rubio.
So he goes, so they ask him if he's voting.
You're holding out, making the decision.
I'm still holding off, yes.
Yes.
Hey, I might be Latino, but I'm not a fanatic about it.
Okay.
I'm not that proud.
And I feel like I know Romney because he looks like every guy who ever fired me.
Yeah.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
I'm a closet Romney voter, and in my neighborhood, they call me Coco Nut.
I'm still surprised that she's able to quote Mitt Romney and say, I'm one of those.
I'm one of those.
Yeah, 47%.
I'm one of the people he was driving.
She's directly quoting him, but I don't know how I'm going to.
And she's on food stamps.
And she's on.
Which Romney uses as a cudgel against Barack Obama.
He goes, you know, when Barack Obama took office, we had 35 million people on food stamps, and now we have 48 million people on food stamps.
Yes.
And, you know, if I'm elected president, nobody will be on food stamps.
It's like Obama put more people on food stamps.
He's helping people.
He's helping people.
It's like, how is that a weapon against Obama?
Well, here's what's happening.
And Jimmy, was Mitt Romney's father?
Did he get help?
He was on welfare.
Okay.
Yeah, but he was from Mexico, Romney's father, so it only figures.
Typical.
I mean, you know, that fits.
Aye, yi.
So here's what she has to say: Today it could be Obama.
So who's hers to ask her?
Who are you going to vote for?
And here's what she says.
Today it could be Obama.
Tomorrow it could be Romney.
I can't promise anything.
She, I wonder why nobody wants to hire her.
Today it could be Obama.
Tomorrow it could be Romney.
It seems like losing her house has cut off the auction supply to her brain.
I think this woman is so dumb, she might even vote for Bush again.
See, she's on Medicaid, and Romney wants to get rid of Medicaid.
So how does Obama compete with that?
Seriously.
I think this, well, this is proof, though, that Romney is definitely going to sweep the too stupid to tell the difference between Romney and Obama vote.
He's definitely going to get that vote.
Looks like it.
Here's how they ended the segment.
Do you think Romney could be that change?
Oh, she goes, she needs a change.
She needs a change.
Do you think Romney could be that change?
It could be a change.
I just don't know if it'd be for the better.
Yeah.
Is Stalin on the ballot?
I'd like to vote for Stalin.
Okay.
So this is up against a break.
We'll be right back on the second half of the show.
We're going to talk about Todd Aiken's new gaff.
And we're going to finally talk about the debate and how we feel about it.
Coming up on the second half.
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Hi, welcome back to the Jimmy Door Show.
I'm joined in studio by former writer for the Daily Show, an hilarious comedian.
It is Steve Rosenfield.
Hi, Steve.
Hi, Jimmy.
Next to Steve is Hilarious Comedian, the winner of the 2009 San Francisco International Comedy Competition.
And his DVD is entitled Stand Up Underground.
It's Tom Simmons.
Hey, Tom.
And across the desk from Tom, it's three-time Emmy Award-winning writer David Feldman.
Great to be here.
Hi, David.
Coming up on the second half of the show, we're going to talk about the debate.
We're going to get into it.
And Todd Aiken.
So let's get right into the debate.
So first, actually, let's cover the debate from the Senate race in Massachusetts.
That's Scott Brown against Professor Elizabeth Warren.
Yes.
Here's how it went.
Okay, so here's David Gregory.
First of all, did you see any of the clips?
Anybody see any of the clips from that?
I watched the entire debate.
You did?
Yes, I did.
And what was your take?
Give me your over thumbnail.
There was a lot of give and take, but, you know, mostly Elizabeth Warren would take because she's an Indian giver.
I don't know.
I watched the debate.
I couldn't believe that he has these supernatural abilities, Scott Brown, to tell somebody what their DNA is.
I know, just by looking at her.
You can tell by looking at her.
What do you mean?
Because he said that he's making a big thing out of the fact that she, at some point, in an application to a school, checked that she was American Indian.
Correct, David?
Yes.
She was part, part American Indian.
He's yes, part.
And he's saying that she's not.
And his thing is, you can tell she's not.
Look at her.
And what is her response to that, David?
Well, she sent up some smoke signals that says she's not going to, you know, my mother.
It started raining.
She says her mother, she who makes lawyers for babies, that was her mother's name, told her that she was a Native American.
And why would she think her mother's a liar?
Why, you know.
So her mother told her she was Native American.
Is she Native American?
Well, the Native Americans are angry with Elizabeth Warren for identifying herself as a Native American, but not really doing anything for the Native Americans.
For the Native Americans.
Yeah, she's a middle-of-the-road Native American.
I think Scott Brown is making a huge mistake playing the race card in Massachusetts because if there's one thing you can say about the people of Boston, I see this coming for racism.
For racism.
That is something that not against white people.
The race is in my experience with Boston, Massachusetts, more racist than the deepest, darkest South.
Well, David, you know what?
Working class, for whatever reason, worked.
Did you know that in 1976, in 1976, when Jimmy Carter was running for president, there was a Massachusetts primary, and in that primary, George Wallace, he didn't win the Massachusetts.
The former governor.
Segregation today, segregation tomorrow, segregation forever.
Oh, those were your wedding vows.
Something like that.
Anyway, George Wallace fared better than Jimmy Carter did.
You're saying he got more votes than in Massachusetts, really?
Jimmy Carter.
Somebody else won Massachusetts.
I don't remember who it was.
Why is that, you think?
Because people from Massachusetts are racist.
Not all of them.
Well, remember busing?
You know, bus say, well, that's the thing.
You know, they try to do that busing in Chicago, David, and it really, you know, if there's a little bit of racism in you, it brings it out.
You know what I mean?
It really rips the scab off it, put it that way.
You know, I'd be against forced busing.
Here's the thing about the people from Massachusetts, the Tea Party, which has launched Sarah Palin and this whole revolution in America.
The Tea Party was the most feckless moment in American history.
By feckless, you mean cowardly.
Our founding fathers didn't want to pay the tea tax.
Right.
And there was a boat with British tea on it, and they dressed up as Native Americans.
They didn't even have the courage.
They did not have the courage to throw the tea overboard.
They made it.
As Americans.
Americans, and this is They blamed it on the Indies.
This isn't a proud moment in American history.
And they've built an entire party.
The Tea Party is based on a false flag operation.
A false flag operation.
Exactly.
Exactly.
Yes, I got you.
So here, let's get back to the debate because we're up against the thing on time.
So here's David Gregory asking a question.
Can you name some Republicans in the Senate today that you are able to work with on big issues, substantive issues that the country faces?
So now this is the big question he asked Elizabeth Warren.
Who are you?
Because Scott Brown says he's Mr. Independent.
And so they asked her, who are you willing to work with in the Republican Party?
And here's what she says.
I think probably Richard Lugar would be one that would come to mind.
First of all, she said Richard Lugar.
It's Luger.
I don't know why she said.
Dick Luger.
Dick Luger.
Lugar.
Lugar.
He's not going to be there.
He's not going to be there.
I've got a 357.
How would you mispronounce magnum equivalent?
I have.
Magnum.
Magnum.
Yeah.
Luger isn't going to be there.
He's going to be replaced by Penis Howitzer.
What about vagina water cannon?
Vagina water cannon.
Right.
I forgot about that one.
Okay.
So she says Dick Lugar.
That's his daughter.
Vagina Larry.
So he says, well, he's not in the Senate anymore.
That's going to be tough.
That is a problem.
Let me do this one.
Let me just.
Well, no, let me do it.
Let me just ask the question, though.
Are there any Republicans who are actually going to be in the Senate that you feel you can that you could work with?
Hang on.
I'm going to finish it here.
Hang on.
Work with substantively and compromise with.
It depends on what the subject matter is.
Now, David and Steve and Tom, so this was a big gotcha question, or this is a big blunder for her.
It's an indictment of the Republican Party.
That's her.
That's like how she said it, but that's not what she said.
But they're asking her, are you willing to work with people?
And what she said was no.
And what she should have said was, I'm willing to work with anybody who's willing to help move this country forward.
I'll work with him.
I'll work with Mitch McConnell.
She didn't say that.
I think she did.
She went on to say exactly what she said.
Did she go on to say that?
She did.
Yes, she did.
Well, how come they don't play that on the news?
That's how the clip ends on every news show I've seen that clip on.
I've seen that clip on almost every news show.
Really?
And they don't play the end?
And they don't play the...
Well, first of all, she should have said it immediately.
She should have said it immediately.
She did like 10 seconds afterwards.
Well, that's not immediately.
That's you blew it.
That's possible.
So they want to see this as a gaffe, and that's why they edited like this.
And it's like, you're not willing.
It was a gaff, Steve.
She didn't answer the question correctly.
It wasn't a gaff.
She's a professor from Harvard who doesn't think in sound bites.
Okay, it's a gaffe.
And my question is this, David.
If I would know the answer to that question.
Immediately, I knew the answer to that question.
Immediately, I knew what to say.
She didn't, and she's a professor, and she has paid people prepping her for this debate.
That's what I don't understand.
She's going to be the next president.
When people drop, she's not like, she's not going to be.
She's a great woman.
She'll be lucky if she wins that Senate race.
Let's talk about the President Obama's debate from tonight.
Now, we all saw it.
Steve, what was you saw it, correct?
Yes.
And what was your assessment?
I thought that Romney was aggressive, but I think he had to be.
I think Obama was detailed and controlled.
And I think that there was a, I think he had authority and he was presidential.
So I'm not, you know, I don't feel that Romney got the better of him, if that's what you guys think.
Okay, I'll go over to Tom.
Tom, give me your assessment.
I kind of was, you know, I was bored, but I was also, I thought, like he said, like Romney was aggressive.
At some points, I was like, I thought he was being like a jerk, kind of aggressive.
But he took control of the room and it just felt kind of bossy and blah, blah, blah.
But I felt like he, I wasn't impressed by Obama.
Seemed like a travel day.
I agree with you.
David.
Obama killed bin Laden.
Was there a debate tonight?
I didn't pay any attention.
Yeah, it was depressing.
Why was it depressing?
Because I watched it through the prism of the ignoramuses who are undecided.
I know that Romney is lying and that he's slick and he's a repotted version of Reagan.
But watching it through the eyes of somebody who is judging the candidates based solely on the optics and not the substance, Romney won.
Barack Obama.
If you're stupid, Romney won.
Steph, what did you think?
That's what I thought.
I really just thought that President Obama was lackluster.
I don't think he was a visionary.
I don't think he made the case.
I don't understand why he didn't come out immediately and start saying, this is what we've accomplished.
We've done this, this, and this, and this.
You're worried about health care.
I'll tell you right now, if you're saying that health care has increased by $2,500 per family, you can guarantee right now that your children are now covered up to the age of, what is it?
Yes, he never made it anyway.
But he said it, but it's like he buried the story repeatedly.
David, we all know, we're all comedians here.
We all know how delicate a joke is.
We all know that if you pause too long on one word, if you skip over a word or if you trip on a word and repeat it, it will ruin the joke.
And Barack Obama, here's, so I didn't have time tonight after the debate to get all the clips I wanted because I was to come down here.
I only got this one clip, but I think it's very indicative of what was wrong with Barack Obama's performance tonight.
Here we go.
And as a consequence, what we've been able to do is to provide millions more students assistance, lower or keep low interest rates on student loans.
And this is an example of where our priorities make a difference.
Governor Romney, I genuinely believe, cares about education.
Why would you say that?
I genuinely believe this guy, he wants to get it done.
He's the bipartisan president.
He wants to get.
Doesn't help him.
Doesn't help him.
He was the bipartisan the first time.
Now he's got to show.
This guy is a.
Okay.
I mean, he believes he cares about education.
Okay, go ahead.
Here's the thing.
Obama plays chess.
He was ropodoping.
Better he should fall behind a month before the presidential election than a week before the presidential election.
He was ropa-doping.
He was coming in to, he could, he should have had a slight.
Let me just play the rest of the day.
You know, but if he let me play the rest of this education clip, okay, and then we'll come back and talk.
So it's only about the 30 seconds in here.
But when he tells a student that you should borrow money from your parents to go to college, that indicates the degree to which there may not be as much of a focus on the fact that folks like myself, folks like Michelle, kids probably who attend University of Denver.
Why is he putting all those words in?
Because he hasn't had 16 debates this year the way Romney has.
You see what he's doing, right?
Wait a minute.
Let me just give the word of what's what he's doing wrong here.
It's like there's a guy in his ear saying, can you put some more us and ands in between everything you're saying?
And by the way, when you're just about to make a point, what I want you to do is don't make it, and then I want you to give some background information that doesn't help make your point, but just give it to us anyway to help dilute your point.
So what he should have done on this point, Mitt Romney is on tape saying when someone asks him, how are you going to help college kids afford college?
He says, borrow money from your parents.
That should have been the last line of, that should have been a slam dunk for Barack Obama.
But what he's doing here is dribbling out the clock.
He's, for whatever reason, he doesn't want to slam dunk the ball, but what he's doing is dribbling the base.
It's like he's having a four-quarter offense.
It's like, oh, I got 30 seconds left.
Let's see if I can use it all up.
And this is what he's doing.
I'm going to play it one more time.
It might sound stupid, but I'm going to try it.
And if it's stupid, I'll cut it up.
But just listen to all the ums and ahs he puts in here.
We believe cares about education.
But when he tells a student that you should borrow money from your parents to go to college, that indicates the degree to which they're maintaining.
That's the way he talks.
I'm just saying, it was the worst debate performance I think I've ever seen.
First of all, he's the president of the United States.
He had more to worry about than just the debate.
And it was his anniversary, and you know, Michelle got into his head an hour before the debate.
You know.
How do you know this?
Because they're married and all wives do that.
That's what wives do to husbands.
They get in the head.
Get in the head.
I want you to feel something, Barry.
Feel something.
Do they always wear their ties, like the color of their party?
So you think that it wasn't a horrible thing.
So David and Steve.
No, I was depressed by it.
I don't think it was a bad performance at all.
And I think that Obama might have been concerned about looking arrogant and looking disgusted with Romney.
So he might have been overly gracious, but I don't think that's a fatal mistake.
I think he was very substantial.
I don't think Romney looked that great.
Jim Lara kept saying, so there's a difference between you.
There's a difference.
Lyra was lousy.
There's a difference.
Lyra was lousy.
Lera was horrible.
He seemed old and fumbling, and he let Romne control the thing.
He let Romney control it.
He kind of corrected Romney.
Like Romney was like, let me finish.
He was like, how about no?
You know what I mean?
I think Romney looked very petty, holding on to Dickering for more time.
Yes, yes.
But that's right after that, Obama had momentum, and then he did the same thing.
He fumbled over some words, and he didn't get to his point, and that he kind of lost that emotional moment.
Here's the thing about these debates: you can win a debate and lose the election.
Kerry, John Kerry, John Kerry, won three of them.
Walter Mondale in 84 beat Reagan.
Reagan, people thought he was senile.
I'm the first one, yeah.
Yeah.
So you can lose a debate and win the election.
Romney debated Teddy Kennedy in 94 when they were running for Senate, and Romney won that debate.
But he came across as mean, and as Steve said, petty and cruel.
So I think that Obama may have been off his game.
But here's the thing.
47% of Americans, us, we're that 47%, are going to vote for Obama no matter what, because we refuse to take responsibility for our life.
We think we're entitled to a job, to food, to health care, you name it.
So we're never going to vote for Mitt Romney.
It's out of the question.
He didn't lose us tonight.
He had one job tonight.
And this is why I think maybe it wasn't so bad.
Barack Obama had one job: to address the undecided and move the needle towards him.
And the undecided have a problem with black men.
And he didn't make eye contact with Romney the same way McCain didn't make eye contact with Obama.
But I think the problem would have been had he made eye contact with Romney, the undecided, the people who don't realize they're threatened by black men, would have had a quarrel with Obama staring down.
So you're saying he falls into the Jackie Robinson trap again.
He can never be seen as being the uppity black guy.
He always has to be the conciliator.
And see, what I was telling Steph about this debate was that when Mitt Romney opens himself up to an education question about that's over the 47%, you're supposed to zing him.
But that's not what got Barack Obama to where he is today.
What got Barack Obama where he is today is getting people like Mitt Romney to like him and for them to all agree on stuff.
And so that's why it seemed like nine out of 10 of his answers started with, I think Mitt Romney and I agree on this.
It was all about how they agreed.
And maybe that's his strategy to get those middle deals.
He didn't have kill shots against Hillary when he was running against her.
Right.
So he won, even though he loses the debates.
So why not try to win a debate?
Because it comes across as ungracious and disrespectful.
And he claims that he wants to change the tone in Washington, D.C. So had he gone after Romney, then people like Chris Matthews would be saying, wait, wait, wait, this is the guy who says he wants to be bipartisan.
He wins by losing.
I don't think he loses.
Well, he did lose.
He did lose.
You know what?
I just didn't think he ever broke down the argument to be persuasive and clear and succinct.
And that's really what that's what Americans really needed to hear from him today.
Clear and succinct.
Clear and succinct.
And he wasn't.
Really, it was like listening to a guy trying to give you cross-country directions.
It was unbelievable.
Well, everybody likes the comeback kid.
So he's going to come back.
You know what?
If he delivers the same performance in the second debate, it would be very painful.
This was painful tonight.
It was painful.
It was very depressing.
It was very depressing.
He should have just looked up and said, What were you saying, Governor?
I wasn't paying attention.
By the way, I killed Bin Laden.
Yes.
Why didn't he do something like that?
He says it was domestic policy.
Well, he won't be attacking us domestically anymore.
I mean, he looks, he was, he's, you know, and he did not deliver when they talked about what he's done to coverage medical coverage for the Americans.
He didn't really deliver on that.
He could have.
He also made Romney look really smart by using that Jojitsu ploy of we're using the plan you invented.
Like most Americans don't know that Romney care and Obamacare are synonymous, and the undecided don't know that.
And when Obama said that, I think a lot of people who are on the fence said, really?
Romney invented Obamacare?
He must be really smart.
Maybe Romney's right.
Maybe the state should adopt it and not the federal government.
And you know, Romney was talking about that he's going to create jobs.
I missed a little bit of the debate tonight, but did Barack Obama did?
So did Obama.
Did he ever come out and say, it just came out that we've created this many jobs?
Did he say that?
He never gave that.
No, he didn't.
And if he did, he should have said it 10 times.
Yeah, I missed it.
I said he said it once.
Yeah, he said, you know, he didn't have a plan going, you know, whatever.
Maybe his plan was to lose.
I don't know.
When you walk in.
He was so sleepy during this debate.
I'm surprised he didn't get date raped.
America will instead.
When you walk into a, like Best Buy, when they used to have salesmen who knew what they were doing, they got rid of them.
But there was a time when you'd walk into Best Buy, and there was a guy who would try to sell you the most expensive television set, the most expensive, high-definition flat screen.
Half the people go, this guy's lying to me.
I see right through him.
He's too good a salesman.
The other half, buy it.
And you can't, there's no way he's a sociopath.
That salesman is a sociopath.
Romney is a sociopath.
And it was just a tsunami of lies.
And the only rational, reasonable response to anything Romney says is, you're a liar.
You are lying.
But you can't do that.
And that's why Romney's.
Why can't we do that?
Because I think it would be refreshing.
You are lying.
I'm the president of the United States, and you, sir, are a liar.
Great.
Let's have this.
He was like, yes, like he was right.
Okay.
I think Obama would be seen as having crossed a line because politicians never said.
I mean, Dole said, stop lying about my record.
And they laughed at him.
You just can't say that someone's a liar.
Even if they are.
There's some unwritten rule that it's like having a meltdown or something.
Isn't it convenient?
You got to make what you got to do is make his lying out to be something comical.
So that's what, and you have to, when you say it, you have to say it so people laugh when you say it.
What Bob Dole did was make people go, stop it.
So the way you have to approach someone lying is you have to find a joke to tell about the way the guy lies.
And Romney got it.
Romney took the cliche.
You're entitled to your own plane, but not your own.
Facts.
And that's what they use against Romney.
Yes.
And, you know, he didn't say one thing about Mitt Romney flip-flopping.
He didn't say, oh, is that what you think this week?
Because last week you said something else.
These minions are doing that for him.
I remember all that stuff he used to do.
But anyway.
You know what?
Here's why I think Obama's a genius.
Okay.
I think he was rope-doping, and he'll be the comeback kid.
And now everybody who supports Barack Obama is making the case for him.
So here is Todd Aiken talking about abortion doctors, and he's talking about the abortion doctors out of the bottom of the barrel, doctors.
And here it is.
To be at the very bottom of the food chain of the medical profession.
And what sort of places do these bottom-of-the-food chain doctors work in?
Places that are really a pit.
You find that along with the culture of death go all kinds of other law-breaking the not following good sanitary procedure, giving abortions to women who are not actually pregnant.
What?
What?
Abortion doctors.
Not only do they give abortions, but they're jerks too.
They give abortions to women who aren't even pregnant.
Yeah, because he's gone in and after an abortion and asked the woman, are you pregnant?
She says, no.
So that's how that's his empiricism.
It's yeah, and you never hear about this in the mainstream media because it doesn't actually happen.
That's the only reason.
Oh, I think sometimes doctors give abortions to women who aren't pregnant.
Oh, my God.
I think I had a leg, the wrong leg or something.
No, a lot of times women in rural states will travel hundreds of miles just for a change of scenery.
They don't really need an abortion.
It's just because they're a road trip.
Yeah.
Get poked around.
And, you know, the worst thing you know is that he's Todd Aiken is saying the worst of all, because of these abortion doctors, every year thousands of rapists are denied the chance to become fathers.
It's cruel.
It's really the cruelest part.
And they're unsanitary, these abortion doctors.
Thank God.
Yeah.
There's only one Planned Parenthood in Mississippi so that if a woman in Mississippi wants to get an abortion, she can go to a back alley and get it done by somebody who knows about hygiene.
Yes.
And it's free market.
Yeah.
It's nice, though, that Missouri has a good chance of electing a senator whose grabs of science will help usher in the 14th century.
Isn't that nice?
I'm looking forward to that.
But these are all Christian laws.
This is all based on the.
So, David, what David's saying is that we need to close down the unsanitary abortion clinic so pregnant women can do what they should have done in the first place and go to back alley abortions.
Yeah, yeah.
Because those are much cleaner, back alleys.
Yeah.
You always see a dumpster there.
Yeah, or maybe they could perform dangerous abortions on themselves in their bathroom.
That always be.
That works.
It's the free markets like Social Security.
I think women, pregnant women, are smarter.
They know more about aborting their own baby than the government does.
It's kind of like spending vouchers for Social Security and Medicare.
I trust a woman with a scalpel more than I do a doctor.
Me too.
*music* you you you
Okay, everybody, that's this week's show.
I hope you enjoyed it.
We made it in.
We got it done.
Even with me leaving town Wednesday night, we got to show in after the debates.
I hope you appreciate it.
And I hope everybody feels a little bit better a couple days after the debates.
I know I do.
I know I do.
Okay.
I want to let you know, hey, November 3rd, it's the Saturday before the election.
Doing a big headline show at the Improv in Hollywood.
So if you're going to be in the Hollywood area, Los Angeles area, the Saturday before the election, November 3rd, we're doing a big election stand-up show at the Improv in Hollywood.
Okay, there'll be links for that show over at the website.
And I want to let you know today's show wasn't written by anybody except Steve Rosenfield and myself.
Okay, everybody else had the week off.
Okay, so that's it for this week.
We'll be back next week in our regular schedule.
And oh, you know what?
If you want to know one great, another great way to help support the show, and you probably stopped listening already, but I'm going to say it anyway.
We have a promotion going on with Sherry's Berries.
You can get a great half dozen huge berries.
Have you ever seen the Sherry's Berries?
I've talked about them before.
I know.
Maybe you haven't heard about them, but they're the biggest, juiciest berries I've ever had.
And they're fantastic.
And you get them chocolate covered and you can get them for $19.99.
And how do you do that, Jimmy?
There's a website called Berry, Sherry's Berries, and the website is Berry's, B-E-R-R-I-E-S dot com.
It's berry's.com.
You go there.
There's a microphone in the right-hand corner.
You click on it.
You type in the code Jimmy D, and you're going to get a deal, some giant, giant chocolate-covered strawberries for $19.99.
Okay, that's what it starts at.
And then they kick back some money back to us to help support the show.
It's a win-win for everybody.
You get these great strawberries.
They make a great gift.
They really do.
So if you're looking to send somebody a great gift, I send them all the time.
It's Sherry's Berries.
You go to B-E-R-R-I-E-S dot com, berries.com, click on the microphone, you type in Jimmy D. That way you're helping support the show.
Plus, you get some great strawberries.
Giant.
They are giant.
Okay, that's it.
I want to say thanks to a couple of gentlemen who donate their time to help make this podcast happen.
The first gentleman up is Sean James, Sean James, and he can help you out if you have a Macintosh problem.
He fixes our computer almost every week.
Macs aren't supposed to go down, but I have lots of problems with mine, and he helps me all the time.
And you can reach him at it's MacHelp at SeanJames.com.
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MacHelp.
You email MacHelp at SeanJames.com.
And you spell Sean S-H-A-U-N.
I want to say a big shout out to Don Quixote, great illustrator who made the caricature for the Jimmy Dorse show on TYT.
The guy does some fantastic work.
Big thanks to him.
And to Frank Pulaski from Dreamtime Films.
He takes some of the bits we do on the show.
He puts video to them and they are amazing.
So a big thanks to Frank Pulaski at Dreamtime Films.
And that's it for this week.
Until next week, this is Jimmy Dorr saying.
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