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Sept. 14, 2012 - Jimmy Dore Show
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The Jimmy Dore show starts right now.
This past Tuesday marked the 11th anniversary of the September 11th attacks, and just as we started to feel better about things, we got some bad news from Libya.
An article in the New York Times this week suggested that in the months leading up to 9-11, President Bush received many more warnings about an impending attack than has been previously revealed.
Frankly, I don't blame Bush for keeping quiet about it.
I've never understood why Bush gets so much credit for keeping America safe starting on September 12th.
Of course, instead of dooming Bush's presidency, this catastrophic mistake only turned him into Franklin Roosevelt, especially after he improvised so effectively through a bullhorn while standing on the rubble.
Shortly after that, he blew a couple trillion dollars, and that's why we're not getting any more roads or bridges or Medicare.
I've always felt certain that had the same terrorist attacks occurred under President Gore, the Republicans would have driven him out of office right around September 13th.
They would have said, only the Democrats could have let something like this happen.
They have a thing for terrorism.
Bush would have run again in 2004 on the argument that it never would have happened if he had been president.
And he probably would have won.
Fortunately, Bush was president when it happened, and he does get all the credit, and perhaps someday he'll get all the credit that's coming to him.
But I think the real lesson of 9-11 is make sure you count all the votes in Florida.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
the show for gut-minded, lowly-livered lefties.
The kind of people that are It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to your T-Vales.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore!
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's episode.
I am joined in studio Cross the Glass, former writer for the Daily Show, Hilarious Comedian.
It's Steve Rosenfield.
Hey, Steve, how are you?
Good, Jimmy.
How are you today?
I'm doing good.
Thanks for asking.
I'm wearing a Superman t-shirt and I feel special.
I like your cape.
That's no cape.
Next to you, it's host of the popular podcast Comedy and Everything Else, where they interview all the top comedians of the day.
It's Steph Samurano, our resident Latina.
Hi, Steph.
How are you?
Hello, Jimmy.
I'm a proud member of my union.
Oh, and we're going to talk about that later across from you.
He's TV's Frank from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's Frank Connip.
Hi, Frank.
How are you?
Hey, Jimmy.
That Superman t-shirt is really cool.
Is that from the Kurt Swan era?
And on the phone, we have Governor Mitt Romney's with us on the phone.
Hi, Governor.
How are you?
Hey, everybody.
Good to be here, Jimmy, as always.
Okay, nice to have you.
And we're going to be getting back to you in a little bit.
Right now, I'm going to do a couple of jokes at the top.
Hey, did you know that the new iPhone 5 is out?
Did you know that?
The new iPhone 5, they announced it.
It's so light, it fits in your pocket easier than a cyanide pill does in the hand of the Chinese slave who made it.
That's a little wordy.
I got the point, though.
But I got it.
I got it out.
Well, hey, let's just go ahead and talk about the embassy attack in Libya.
You know, now we know in a crisis, Governor Romney will take swift action and immediately not know what the fuck he's doing.
Sorry, guys.
Hey, you're okay.
You're already giving me the business.
I was working hard.
One of my jokes for today is Jimmy Dore show.
I had a few good.
I have a few good monologue jokes, but you just skipped over me.
Okay.
So Romney's embassy attack response will be remembered as his most unpresidential.
You know, they're saying, Governor, that your embassy attack response is going to be remembered as your most unpresidential moment besides not being elected president.
How does that show us?
Yes, I saw Frank's Twitter feed.
But don't you don't you like Harvey?
Yes, I've already heard.
Don't you like how I make them conversational so they so they really sing?
Don't you like?
Okay.
Governor, it was nice to see you.
He reassured your base that although there's parts of Obamacare you'd like to keep, you still want life to suck for sick people.
That's correct?
Yes, it is.
Okay.
Okay.
Could I try one of my news jokes as a presidential candidate?
Sure, go ahead.
What is your news jokes?
I don't want to get too political, but Sally Struthers was arrested for DWI in Maine last night.
Did you hear about that?
Yeah, I heard about that.
They levied a huge fine against her, which I assume is standard, these types of things.
But they gave her a very good payment plan.
Guess what it was?
What?
Just 10 cents a day.
I'd still be able to pay it off over a long period of time.
I probably want a very good show, but I'm trying here.
But I heard that she didn't help herself when she said, do you like drunk driving?
Sure, we all do.
That's what she said on the commercial.
The judge told her that, did you hear what the judge said to her?
The judge said that you're going to be able to pay this fine off for the price of a cup of coffee.
God, if this were 1975, this folks would be killing.
Okay, so coming up on...
That was fun.
Coming up on today's show, we're going to talk about the Governor Romney's contradictory statements about his wealth and poorness when he was in college.
Also, we're going to look at how they feel about the new first black president, how the Romneys feel, how they felt, and what they told David Gregory they felt about it.
Plus, we're going to talk about Tom Brokaw and his new word for lying.
Plus, we're going to address how the media and the defenders of Mitt Romney handled the Libyan attacks.
And there's a strike going on by the teachers in Chicago.
Can you believe it?
The good thing about the strike in Chicago, though, is that, you know, of course, the Republicans and Mitt Romney are against the teachers.
But luckily for the teachers, Rahm Emanuel and Barack Obama are also against the teachers.
So it's a great one.
It's a great day to be a liberal Democrat.
Okay, so we're going to talk about that coming up, plus a lot lot more.
That's this week on the Jimmy Dore Show.
Time for another installment of Oh My God.
Okay, so this week's Oh my God episode, I will start off with the, I'm going to start off with the easiest one.
I was watching the press the meet with David Gregory last week.
He had on Bill Bennett, the former Secretary of Education on Around Reagan, Who wrote the book of virtues, and then he spent $6 million of the royalties from that book in a casino.
That was the best book of virtues ever written by a degenerate gambler.
So here he is.
Didn't stop him one bit.
That public hypocrisy was like water off a duck's ass to him.
And he's back on pontificating.
And they were saying that Mitt Romney's going to have to separate himself from George W. Bush.
He has a different idea, right?
He says that you don't have to separate yourself from George Bush in the Iraq war because.
Throw out the whole.
I don't think you can throw out the whole Bush eight years.
We won the war in Iraq.
Bush did a lot.
Boom.
Okay, there's your, oh my God.
I just want to hear it again.
Here we go.
I don't think you can throw out the whole Bush eight years.
We won the war in Iraq.
Boom.
Yes.
I think when most Americans are asked about Iraq, they go, huge victory.
I think that's what they say.
Right.
And he says, don't.
Even when you're running for president, you still keep learning things about American history over and over again.
That's a new one to me.
Rick.
What did he say?
Don't dismiss eight years of Bush.
We won the war in Iraq, but not within those eight years.
Here we go again.
You can throw out the whole Bush eight years.
We won the war in Iraq.
Bush did a lot of fine things.
Okay, there you go.
That's our first, oh my God.
Okay, so that was fun.
That's Bill Bennett.
The important thing when you talk about the fine things that Bush did is make sure you're very vague.
And you don't mention, and you don't speak of them in specifics.
Right.
Because there weren't any.
Okay, so now here we go.
So now, how we all know what happened this week, Governor, with your gaffe.
Are you coming out strongly condemning the way Barack Obama handled the Libby assassination and the attack?
Stand by my comments on the situation.
I know you do.
I know you do.
So I was listening to David Fisher from the American Family Asshole Association.
I rather doubt that's what it's called, but you go ahead with it.
And, you know, the thing I like about him is that it's a Christian broadcast because often if you just close your eyes, well, here it is.
Here's how Heath says we should handle and the president should handle the Libya situation.
What is Barack Obama going to do?
He says we are going to make sure that justice, quote, is done.
Well, if it's going to be justice in Libya, justice is that every single member of the mob that killed this ambassador and the three other Americans need to be publicly hung by the neck until dead.
Until that happens, justice has not been done.
And I don't care how many strong adjectives Barack Obama finds to talk about it.
Justice will not be done until every member of the mob that killed these Americans in cold blood is hung from the nearest bridge by the neck until dead.
Okay, so if you close your eyes, it's just like Jesus talking, isn't it?
It's just like that's Brian Fisher from the American Family Association.
He was my favorite character in the Oxbow incident.
I don't know what that is.
I don't mean.
Steph doesn't know either.
That's why we're married.
What is it?
That was a movie.
Until Bert Clark book.
Come on, guys.
You got to get into this stuff.
Well, he's talking about what made me think of that is that that movie is about a lynching and where they just want to hang these people from the nearest tree.
And he's saying to the nearest bridge.
So what he's saying, this guy who calls himself a Christian and an American, he's saying there shouldn't be a trial by saying that it's the nearest tree.
That's what it sounds like.
Because if there's a trial, you might, you know, it might be a few blocks away, maybe.
But without the trial, it's going to be from the nearest bridge and the nearest tree.
And it's, you know, it's very un-American to think that, and it's very un-Christian to think that.
It sounded very, it sounded very much like what Jesus would say.
Anyway, so here's Pat Robertson, and he's going to tell us what makes those Muslims so upset with us over in foreign countries.
He's got, he'll tell you.
You know, you wonder what it is in these Muslims that causes them to go crazy because some of this is something about Muhammad, most of which happens to be true.
Yes.
His favorite wife, when she was either eight or nine years old, and he was 53, and he began having sexual relations with that eight or nine-year-old child.
Now, we call that pedophile, pedophilia in this country.
But with him, it was like a holy act.
He had a number of wives.
Okay, so he just keeps going on.
And so that's pretty much why Muslims act so crazy is because Muhammad had sex with a nine-year-old girl.
No, I think that is actually true, that Muhammad did actually have sex with a nine-year-old girl.
I believe that is part of their scripture as well, yes.
I think it is in their scripture.
Was that before or after he directed Chinatown?
So, uh, but I might, so my question is, I wish Pat would- So that's not the same crime as it would be over here.
So that attack that happened in Libya is they're saying it was al-Qaeda, right?
That's what they're saying.
It's Al-Qaeda, the people who, you know, we've been killing and kind of, we've been hunting down all over the globe and invaded two countries to kill.
They're them.
That's who did it.
And so maybe that would, maybe that's the reason why, Pat, not because Muhammad had sex with a nine-year-old girl that they're attacking.
My question would be, why is it that Christians seem to go crazy when nobody's attacking them?
For instance, there's a report from the Liberty Institute and the Family Research Council entitled the Survey on Religious Hostility in America, which claims to have chronicled more than 600 cases detailing religious bigotry throughout America.
Wow.
And there's one that Newt Gingrich repeated.
Yeah, so there's a story about a 10-year-old boy named Raymond Raines who was supposedly yanked out of his chair in the school cafeteria and screamed at by a teacher simply for praying before he ate his lunch.
Well, you know, of course, we talked to Kenneth Bronston, the school's lawyer, and he said, I can tell you he was not reprimanded for praying.
Do you think it makes sense that the teachers would look around the cafeteria, target the one student who was praying quietly and go bother him?
Yeah, okay, so it doesn't make any sense, right?
No.
But here is, so here's our guys, though, that reported this.
Matt Barber and Sean Akers on today's Faith and Freedom radio program.
They were talking about this very incident.
And here we go.
Let me add one more.
And imagine, though, let's put this in context and imagine the founders of the United States sitting around as this happened and ask yourself, what do you think the response would be?
A public school official physically lifted an elementary school student from his seat, physically picked this child up out of his seat and reprimanded him in front of his classmates for praying over his lunch.
You are literally at the level now.
Oh, go ahead.
think the founding fathers would say in response to that what is a public school Okay, here.
And I can understand their outrage because I can't think of one instance of a religious person inflicting corporal punishment.
Right.
I can never happen.
Never happens.
All right.
He's got a little bit more to say.
Where children are being picked up out of their seats and reprimanded for praying over their meals.
Now, that says something.
Well, that's where we are, folks.
The hostility against religion.
Have you seen the hot lunches in some of these schools?
In particular, has reached such heights that government officials are physically assaulting children for praying over a meal in the schools.
That's not hyperbole.
That's just bullshit.
I think that the kid in this cafeteria was praying to Mother Mary and Sloppy Joseph.
So what is it?
What is it?
I really liked Sloppy Joe's when I went to school.
Yeah, me too.
I still like it.
Can we make you a regular character on the show?
Sloppy Joseph?
Our new religion.
You know, I just don't understand what the Christians in America, the dominant religion, every president has been Christian.
Every Christian, it's on our money.
That's about to change, my friend.
They can't stop it.
Somehow.
The basic philosophy of Rush Limbaugh and his ilk is the people in this society who really suffer from prejudice and intolerance are white Christian males.
And they've said that and variations on that over and over and over again.
Which is a way of saying that minorities have got the screws in.
Yeah.
Well, it's Obama's going to take all the white guys' money and give it to all the black people.
That's the whole thing.
Yeah, I know, because I don't know if you noticed, blacks are just loaded now, doing very well.
I'm going to tell you something about these Christians, because as a Mormon, they've been taking pot shots at us forever.
So it's nice to have a chance to shoot back at them.
Yeah.
The first 300 years of their history was nothing but being persecuted.
So it's embedded into their religious culture.
Oh, maybe that's.
Anyone who considers themselves a devout Christian, they want to harken back to that period of time when they were persecuted.
Now, Mormons and Muslims, we know the benefit of having the beginning of our religious history be just kicking ass and take a name.
We're nothing like these Christian saps.
I got you.
Spent 300 years being eaten by lions.
We were out there with guns and scimitars showing them how it's done.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
This has been, oh my God.
Oh my God.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
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And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Okay, welcome back to the show.
I'm joined on the phone.
We have Mitt Romney on the phone.
Governor Mitt Romney is with us.
We have in studio from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's TV's Frank Frank Conniff, former writer for The Daily Show is with us, Steve Rosenfield, and our resident Latina, the host of Comedy and Everything Else, the popular comedy podcast, Steph Samurano, is with us.
And right now.
Okay, so we all know what happened in Libya, right?
So they attacked the American consulate, the embassy in Libya.
They killed the foreign minister, our ambassador there.
And so it's all crazy.
And then Romney tried to use it in a craven political attack on President Obama, said he apologized.
And even people in his own party turned on him.
And so it's a really, every time he opens his mouth, it's a gaffe, this guy, right?
And so, but so we've seen other people cover that, and I'll just let it go.
But what I want to cover is, well, first of all, let's see, here's how people who got people who tried.
I'm sorry, but just hearing what you just said, it just occurred to me that the best strategy for Romney right now would be to say he has laryngitis for the rest of the election.
Yeah, basically.
It would.
It would.
So here is the, I could only find two people besides.
Maybe it's true.
Besides the wing nuts, I couldn't find any regular person who was defending Mitt Romney because even like, you know, Karl Rove and Peggy Noonan was calling him out.
Joe Scarborough, everybody was calling out Bitt Romney for being a craven jerk on this one.
And so here is a Mitt Romney spokesperson.
He went on with Andrea Mitchell, and here's his defense of her.
Ready?
Here's how he's.
And then again today, for Mitt Romney to come out in the 10 o'clock half hour before the president of the United States made a scheduled statement at 10.35, does it seem to be injecting politics into a national tragedy?
Andrea, you're an experienced reporter.
You've had the same questions asked about your own reporting from time to time.
Okay, boom.
First, you shoot the messenger.
Very glorious.
Shows you have respect for traditional lying.
That's what I like.
Here's the only other guy I could find who was defending Mitt Romney on this, right?
So the only other guy is a spokesperson for the Romney campaign.
And he gave out a statement, and it's going to be read by Lawrence O'Donnell.
He was the greatest hitter of all time.
So he's talking about, so somehow he tries to equate Mitt Romney with Ty Cobb, who I understand was a great guy.
He's a big bastard.
Right, right.
By saying that Ty Cobb, here we go.
He was the greatest hitter of all time, and he batted about 355, and he is still the greatest hitter.
There isn't something in my 63 years I couldn't have done better except con my wife into marrying me.
Okay, so I guess the new slogan is vote Romney and he'll be the Ty Cobb of presidents.
He'll get stuff right one out of three times.
And it'll be great.
John Kyle, Senator John Kyle of Arizona, he defended, he's famous for saying that 90% of what Planned Parenthood does is abortions.
And then he said, I didn't mean that as a factual statement.
So John Kyle, he defended Romney, and I'm not kidding.
This is what he actually said.
He said, quote, this is like telling the woman that got raped, you asked for it because of the way you were dressed, okay?
That's the same thing.
Well, America, you should be the ones to apologize.
You should have known this would happen.
This is how he's defending Romney.
Wow.
He's defending Romney's stance on Libya by saying this is like telling the women that they got raped.
You asked for it because of the, this is how he, somehow, there's a dead guy.
You can't even follow that.
You can't even follow it.
I don't know who is the raped woman.
But in this political season, it's really an astute political move on a Republican's part to bring up rape.
Do you remember that other thing that we got you pissed off about two weeks ago?
Well, I'm going to combine the thing you're pissed off about now with that.
I can't stop thinking about it.
If we could somehow mix two gaps together, two horrible gaps.
Yeah, it's better than John Kyle's.
I appreciate the effort at all, my own part.
Well, Governor.
I'm going to try to use Rape to help me out.
Governor, it was better than John Kyle's original defense when he said Romney was right.
Barack is black.
And that Libya thing, too.
Yeah, you know, you fellas can cut it up all you want, but we're telling you we're going to rape ourselves right into the White House.
So that's all I'm really going to say about the Libya thing because it's been covered.
I just thought that was funny the way those two guys.
The only way you can defend them is by saying, hey, Ty Cobb was only, that's the worst defense I've ever heard.
Say this.
Here's my last thing on this.
So Barack Obama gave a speech today where he responded to the Libyan attacks when he said this.
As for the ones we lost last night, I want to assure you we will bring their killers to justice.
Can we just stop with the killing and with the cheering when we're announcing killing?
We're going to kill someone.
Yay, we're going to kill someone with much less power and resources than we do, who has probably been the victim of our U.S. foreign policy.
We're going to kill them.
But is he going to hang them from the nearest bridge?
Jimmy, you're apologizing for America.
Is that considered apologizing?
If any politician got up and said what you just said, which is actually a very common sense thing to say, they would be vilified from all sides.
Okay.
Okay.
So, and Barack Obama went on.
Here's the second part of what he said.
And we want to send a message all around the world to anybody who would do us harm.
No act of terror will dim the light of the values that we proudly shine on the rest of the world.
And no act of violence will shake the resolve of the United States of America.
Okay, first of all, that's not true.
We changed instantly on 9-11.
Not too much, just enough to order war crimes, torture, and indefinite detention without trial.
But we still have habeas corpus, right?
No, we got rid of habeas corpus.
That's right.
We repealed the Magna Carta.
We're now on a Liberty stance right around the 11th century.
That's where we are.
And also, right after 9-11, right after 9-11, America stood firm and allowed itself to be tricked into a conflict that ended up depleting our resources and budget, which some people think was Al-Qaeda's plan all along.
Yes, that's exactly.
They wanted us to overextend ourselves.
We did it.
And now, 10 years later, our country is much worse off than it was then.
And we're not going to let an act of terrorism change us.
I was just telling that to the guy feeling me up at the airport yesterday.
And then what happened when you went into security?
Boom!
Hello.
Who's on the this is Jimmy Doer?
Who's this?
Hey, Jiggly, this is Barack Obama.
Oh, Mr. President, how are you?
Well, I'm doing okay.
But I heard what you were saying about how terrorism changes.
Yes.
What I said was no act of terror as long as it's not on American soil.
Because if that happens, all bets are off, motherfucker.
Did you see what we did after 9-1-1?
No habeas corpus, indefinite detention, spying on Americans.
That shit was crazy.
Man, if something like that happens again, I'm putting tracking bracelets on all you motherfuckers and things like that.
Logan's run-up in here.
Over 30, 230.
You know, this happened in Libya.
So we're still a shining beacon of hope and freedom and all that blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Oh.
Ha ha ha ha!
Ooh!
Of course, that was the inimitable Mike McRae, all the voices on this week's show performed by Mike McRae at MikeMcRae.com.
And I want to let everybody know if you're in the LA area or going to be in the LA area later this month.
We got two shows coming up that I want to let people know about.
We're going to have our next left, right, and ridiculous show at the Improv Lab.
And the Improv Lab is located at Melrose and Crescent Heights in Hollywood.
So that's going to be the last Saturday of September, September 29th at 8 p.m.
We're going to be at the Improv Lab doing Left, Right, and Ridiculous.
If you've seen it, you know how much fun it is.
If you haven't, come out and see it.
I'll be there.
Frank Conniff from Mystery Science Theater 3000 will be there.
We're going to get David Feldman out there.
He's a three-time Emmy Award-winning writer and a 17-time loser, David Feldman.
He'll be on the show, plus a lot of other sketches.
Paul Gilmartin doing his jackass Republican character.
That's the last Saturday of September in Hollywood at the Improv Lab.
Saturday night, September 29th, 8 p.m.
There's links to the show.
There's a link for that show.
Tickets are 10 bucks.
That's a pretty good deal, isn't it?
Also, I want to let you know next Friday and Saturday, that'd be September 21, 22, September 21 and 22.
We're at Flappers telling jokes.
I'm headlining there.
And of course, all the guys will be stopping by doing their sets.
So if you'd like to come see me do my stand-up hour, come see it.
September 21, 22 at Flappers in Burbank, which is located at 102 East Magnolia.
And you can get, there's links, again, links for that show at my website, JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Okay, we're up against the break.
We'll be right back in one minute.
Okay, got my new iPhone.
So that's the two things we got stolen this year.
I got the computer.
A couple weeks later, got the iPhone stolen.
And somehow I made it through.
Now I have all the, of course, now I have all the security to back up for my iPhone.
I have the security backup.
You have this thing called I Lost My Phone or whatever.
And so it'll translate a Lojack for your MacBook Pro and your iPhone.
Well, I have that now.
Of course, I got it a day late and a dollar short, but I have it.
So peace of mind.
Okay, I wanted to give you the update, everybody who's all the podcast listeners, get the update.
You know, and thanks to everybody.
I want to say thanks right off the top to everybody who's using that Amazon.com link over at jimmydoorcomedy.com.
It really helps.
If you haven't used it, it's really easy.
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It really is getting to us.
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That's the easiest, cheapest, most painless way to help support the show if you use the Amazon.com box.
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Okay, I've explained enough.
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I hired a guy to take care of our premium content today.
All right, maybe I should shut up about it until it's actually up.
But we hired a guy.
Adam's going to take care of it.
Yay.
Okay.
So that's Happening.
Also, I want to let you know if you'd like, this is that you don't need a special occasion to send flowers.
We do this Pro Flowers promotion every once in a while.
They're a great company.
We don't work with all the companies that want to work with us.
So this week and next week, if you want to send flowers, and what a women love flowers, just give them to them.
They always love it.
I've never had a woman say, oh, I didn't like those flowers.
So if you're going to send flowers to somebody, you can do it through ProFlowers.com.
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If you mention my code, Jimmy D, you get a free vase.
How's that?
Plus, you're helping support the show.
And how do you do that, Jimmy?
You go to proflowers.com, you click on the microphone in the upper right-hand corner, and then you type in the code Jimmy D. That gets you the deal, the discount, plus the free vase.
ProFlowers.com is a great company.
They guarantee all their flowers fresh for a week.
So thanks for doing the right thing and supporting the show.
And now let's get back to the second half.
Welcome back to the Jimmy Door show.
I'm joined on the phone.
We have Mitt Romney, Governor Mitt Romney's on the phone with us the entire show.
In studio, I have from Mystery Science Theater 3000 TV's Frank Frank Conoff is with us.
Former writer for the Daily Show, Steve Rosenfield, is with us and host and resident Latina, Steph Samburano, host of Comedy and Everything Else, the popular comedy podcast, Steph Samburano, is with us.
But right now, we took a phone call from our favorite Imam who wanted to explain to us a little bit about the attacks in Libya.
Okay, so I have on the phone right now Iman Rahman Abdul Lasir, who was going to talk to us about the no, we just have a few questions now.
Hello, it is a pleasure to be on your radio show once again for the second time.
Yes, Imam, it's really great to have you on.
And now, last time we had you, Imam, we had you explain.
Do not say this incorrectly.
Okay, I'm not trying to insult you.
But that's what we're actually going to talk about.
Last time we were on, I was asking you about the violence that seems to be endemic in the Muslim religion.
And you told us that it was because you need to read the Quran through the prism of modern-day alternative comedy.
And when something is, when there's something violent in the Quran, you're saying that it's actually ironically violent.
Yes, that is a very satisfactory summary of my theological teachings.
Yes.
Now.
And it is so through that prism that we must view the undressed currently seen in Libya, Egypt, and other Arabic nations right now.
Okay, so how do you explain the violence in Libya?
These need to be understood as what they are, which is ironic uprisings.
How so?
The people are doing it ironically.
If you listen to the audio of the people spawning the embassies, I know you do not.
I assume you did not know Arabic, so the inflection and it's hard to understand any foreign language, but they are saying all of these things sarcastically.
So they are telling you it's the equivalent of saying, oh, death to America.
You know how they do not mean it.
This is proving the opposite point by acting out the contrary point, which is the definition of irony.
Okay, well, it's but they're still killing people.
See, that's the part that confuses people.
No, no, no, those are lies perpetrated by the Jew Zionist media.
Those are lies that the people aren't being killed over.
Is that what you said?
No, no one has been accused.
No, but the ambassador from the United States was actually killed.
No, that is not that you are listening to lies of evil men.
Okay, well, Imam, I. Because if that were true, my argument would be destroyed.
That is not what happened.
It is very simple.
Okay.
Well, I appreciate you trying to explain this away.
And just.
Do you have any further questions for me, my friend?
Dude, does anybody else have any questions for the Imam?
How come people are sure of your words carefully?
Oh, okay.
Well, I was going to ask, how come people from your part of the world talk so funny?
Well, I mean, it makes comedy sketches more palatable.
I'm speaking in this way.
Okay.
Okay, anyone?
I don't have any more questions, Imam.
That's, uh...
How do you...
Yeah.
Do you now do you have a pick for the do the Muslims and the have a pick for who they would rather see be president, Mitt Romney or Barack Obama?
Oh, um, you know what?
If I were the betting man, I would go with Gary Johnson because that is how little I understand.
Okay, Imam, I appreciate it.
Thank you very much.
All right, may fires be upon you when you're running.
LAUGHTER I'm not.
you *Mario plays* Okay, the voice of the Imam is MikeMcRae at MikeMcRae.com.
So we're going to talk about the teacher strike in Chicago as fast as we can.
You know, when you're, so the teacher strike is happening in Chicago.
And the thing about the teacher strike in Chicago is that teachers aren't striking for more money.
What teachers are striking for is better working conditions, things like lower class sizes to get like more social workers in the school to help kids with stuff.
Because they, because, you know, people failing communities, they expect the school to take care of all their problems, right?
So this is the one institution that the people turn to.
So I was watching Fox News, and I was watching that new show that replaced Glenn Beck, where they have five people sitting around talking.
Oh, it's a great show.
It's a great show.
And Bob Beckle was on there.
I believe it's called The Hall of Injustice.
So let's just go.
He had something to say.
They were talking about it.
And Bob Beckle, who's the resident Democrat.
Well, let's just say when you're a supposed liberal that works for Fox News, it does not speak well of you.
No.
Both as a liberal and as a human being.
Because Fox News hires two kinds of liberals.
One, Alan Combs, right?
That means you're a weenie that makes liberal positions look very weeny-ish.
Or two, you're Bob Beckle, a guy who's basically not a liberal.
Those are the two kinds of liberals they hire at Fox News.
Okay.
Helen Combs actually hires himself out, and you can hire him to lose an argument with you.
Well, that is when he's not busy fighting Key Man.
Yeah.
He also has a side business where he'll come over and cower in the corner during high-stakes negotiations.
He'll do that.
Sometimes he'll do that as like a party trick, too.
He'll go over, hey, what's Combs doing?
He's cowering in the corner.
So here's what Bob Beckle had to say about the teachers' unions, the new strike that's happening in Chicago.
Strong EU supporter.
Okay, again.
Strong EU supporter and strong support of the teacher genius.
However.
Did you hear what he said?
He said, I'm a strong union supporter.
However.
Here we go.
Here we go, guys.
Strong EU supporter.
Strong support of teacher genius.
However, having said that.
See, that's the kind of pre-combs.
Yeah, that's the kind of preamble that you usually get when people say, listen, I'm not a racist.
Yes, I'm no racist right before they say something incredibly racist.
And also, it's another way of him saying, I'm a big supporter of teachers' unions, but Fox News pays my check.
So having said that.
Yes, yes, that is.
And just by FYI, if you're such a strong supporter of unions, Bob Beckle, maybe you should try just a little to see things from their point of view, maybe.
I don't know.
Like when they say means testing is not working and they're willing to go out and strike over it, maybe you ask why.
He's got more to say.
Having said that, the idea that they're not willing to, for a long time, I've supported means testing for teachers.
Okay, first of all, a means test is a test on how much money a person has to see if they're poor enough to get some more federal dough.
Are we going to do that with teachers?
Because according to the Republican machine, teachers have sacks and sacks of jewels and cash.
Right.
And they're not going to qualify if they're going to means test it.
And here's another idea.
Let me give you Bob Beckle, the guy who's a strong union supporter who's just undermining them left and right right now.
Here's an idea.
Why not have a teacher on your little show to explain their point of view?
Just saying news is in the title of your network and not bloviating idiots giving his opinion about stuff he doesn't really understand.
Okay, so here we go.
More Bob Beckle.
Merit testing for teachers.
They want these people who've been let go of the school system to automatically come back.
So what he means, instead of means testing, what he really means is standardized performance testing for teachers.
Yes, in an unbelievably complex and humanly flawed quest to teach an ever-changing population of children from drastically different regions of the country, how could a standardized test go wrong?
Okay, here we go.
He's got some more to say.
Want these people who've been let go of the school system to automatically come back to the fashion.
Oh, yeah.
They want the people who have been let go to automatically come back.
So what he's talking about is they'll go into a poor community, and there's a school that's failing.
And what Rahm Emanuel— So if you're a teacher and you go and you teach at a bad school, chances are you're going to get fired.
And that's what they're doing.
So they fire everybody.
And now the teachers' union says, hey, you can't just do that.
You have to, when you reopen the schools or whatever you do, you have to give those teachers who were fired their first chance to apply for those jobs.
That's what they're saying, right?
You can't just come in and willy-nilly fire people.
So here, okay, so he says that they want these people who've been let go out of the school system to automatically come back.
Yeah, the teachers' union wants people who were laid off for financial reasons to be the first reinstated.
That's that sounds so unreasonable.
That's how layoffs work.
I don't know if you know.
That's how they're supposed to work.
But also in his profession, everyone who said there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq was allowed to come back.
You know, I mean, his profession that he's in is there's no means testing.
There's no standardized test.
There's no standard for anything.
And yet they feel safe saying that teachers should have all this stuff.
No accountability in their field.
There's no accountability in their profession.
And they make tons more money than teachers do.
Great point, Frank.
Here we go.
There's more.
Thank you for teachers.
They want these people who've been let go of the school system to automatically come back to the fashion.
The reason that they're out is because they weren't good teachers.
Right.
Okay, I have no reason to believe this is actually why they were let go.
Okay, but I'm going to say it anyway because that's just how I roll.
I'm Bob Beckle.
He has no idea why those teachers were let go.
He has no idea whatsoever.
And I challenge anyone to say in coherent words what Bob Beckle actually does in his day.
You know what I mean?
I mean, these people, you can't even describe what it is they do who sit around this panel.
They don't do anything.
He gets up.
He rubs his thumbs through a suspender or something.
Yes, he does that.
He's been a so-called political consultant or whatever.
He's done a good job of helping Democrats lose through the years.
And yet he's talking about people who don't make nearly as much money as who get fired willy-nilly because of political reasons, who are now trying to fight to keep their job because it's a profession that they've dedicated their life to.
Oh, Jimmy, come on.
There are tons of people lining up to be teachers right now.
It's a big thing.
It's like screenwriting in Hollywood.
Everyone wants to make a glamour.
Oh, the glamour of the teaching.
And the money.
I just hope there's some teachers who do it because they love it and not just for the money.
Because I just assume that that's why most people are.
Most people get into teaching for the money.
Well, I kind of think his idea about means testing for the teachers, he's laying them off to really see what their dedication is.
Will they continue to teach while they're laid off?
Yes.
Yes, it makes perfect sense.
Okay, here we've got some more to say.
The idea that they should be the first in line to get teaching jobs is crazy.
Yeah, it is crazy.
Yeah.
The idea that the first teachers who were fired should be the first in line to get their jobs back is crazy.
Even though the premise of this conclusion is a house of cards, I'm pretty sure the conclusion is totally solid.
Yeah.
Oh, here we go.
He's got more to say.
And by the way, the 35%, they moved immediately off of that.
It wasn't about the pay increase because they knew they weren't going to get that much.
So he just said that the teachers were asking for a 35% pay increase, and they moved out that pretty quick because they knew they weren't going to get that much.
Just thought I'd totally gloss over that fact.
Okay, Bob Beckle.
I'm Bob Beckle now.
Just thought I'd totally gloss over that fact that the teachers are not striking about money like the greedy fat cats Fox News would have you believe they are.
So he's glossing over.
Oh, they moved off that 35%.
So they're not striking for money.
You mean they're not asking for more money, Bob?
As a Fox News employee, it's in his interest for there to be less educated people.
Yes.
So you can see why he doesn't want people to do that.
This is the Democrat on the panel who just glossed over the fact that teachers aren't striking over money.
He just glossed over that fact.
Even though, and he throws out a 35% money.
Oh, they moved off that pretty quick because they knew they weren't going to get it.
You pole.
Okay, there's more.
Jimmy, I just have to say that I'm really glad that you're doing a segment on your show about the plight of the inner city teacher because it reminded me that season four of The Wire is now on Netflix streaming.
And my wife Ann and I are big fans of that.
Wow.
You do have to watch it with subtitles.
Okay.
All right, here we go.
But they're holding up on this whole issue about teachers should be rated on what their kids do in these standardized tests.
Why not?
So that's the Democrat.
He's saying that the teachers don't want the standardized tests.
Why not?
Why not?
It's a good question, Bob Beckle.
Why don't you actually ask someone who actually works in education?
Why don't you ask those people?
It's because they might actually have a reason that makes sense.
Yes, that would drag your whole show to a screeching halt, wouldn't it?
If somebody made sense once in a while.
And by the way, I've met a highly paid political pundit and a professor of politics at a major university like Bob Beckle is.
But it turns out there's this thing called Google, where you can actually look up the arguments against national standardized testing, Bob Beckle, and evaluating teachers based on testing.
You can look that up.
And it seems, and this is crazy if you ask me, it seems their main objection is that it doesn't work.
Welcome back to the Jimmy Door Show.
I'm joined in studio by Frank Connant from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and by Steve Rosenfield, former writer for The Daily Show, and by Steph Zamarano, host of Comedy and Everything Else.
And on the phone, we have Mitt Romney.
Governor Romney's on the phone with us, and we're talking about Tom Brokaw's appearance on Meet the Press two weeks ago when he was talking about Paul Ryan's endless stream of lying.
Let's listen to how he refers to all the lying Ryan did at the Republican convention.
And fact was, though, with Carly, with all due respect, was that, for example, Congressman Ryan overreached a couple of times and got caught in those overreaches, the Janesville plant, for example, which was so he's now he's talking about Paul Ryan's speech at the Republican convention, which he just lied all the way through it.
But Tom does a nice thing here.
He tries to trick the normal viewer at home.
If you're just a regular citizen tuning in, you wouldn't know what the hell he's talking about because he keeps referring to when he lied as an overreach.
One of the problems I had, in fact, was, with Carly, with all due respect, was that, for example, Congressman Ryan overreached a couple of times and got caught in those overreaches.
The Janesville plant, for example, was no way.
They ended up blaming it.
Overreach.
Overreach.
Well, so now I guess any guy that cheats on his wife goes on and gets drunk and cheats on his wife can come home and say, honey, I overreached.
I overreached.
I didn't lie to you about that.
I overreached.
I overreached.
And her tits were right there.
He says it more.
And the cuts in Medicare, which were very similar to what he had in mind, taking on the president for not invoking Simpson Bowles, which I agree with him on that.
I think the president made a mistake in not playing upfront Simpson Bowles.
He was a member of Simpson Bowles, and he voted against it, went on the floor, and said it's not a good idea to do it.
So I think that's a problem for the Republicans in overreaching.
They can make a very good case about the last four years, but when they overreach, the next day stories are all about the course corrections that have to be made.
And I think it goes to their credibility, some.
And I think the American people are out there looking and say, I don't know which of these guys to believe.
Yeah, you know why, Tom?
Because you keep using terms like overreach instead of saying, hey, this guy's lying.
Hey, he's overreaching right now.
And the American people go, I don't know who to.
I was saying that a statement was underaccurate.
I mean, that's he and he's saying the American people don't know who to believe.
Why do you think that is, Tom?
You're the guy.
Well, that's part of his false equivalency, too, because part of his point there was that's why Democrats and Republicans both have no credibility because the Republicans lie all the time.
Republicans are liars.
Let's put it, Frank, you're correct.
I think it goes to their credibility, some, and I think the American people are out there looking and say, I don't know which of these guys to believe, which is going to make those debates all the more important.
Yeah, it's going to make the debates all the more important because you're certainly not going to inform the people.
No.
You're certainly not going to.
You're going to talk in flowery language and you're never going to give it to the people straight.
So people at home are left going, I don't know who to believe.
I just listened to Tom Brokaw and he doesn't know who to believe.
Now, here's Mitt Romney from last week talking with David Gregory on Meet the Press, and he was talking about leadership and Lekwalessa from Poland.
Wages have gone down.
And he's trying to talk about how President Obama isn't leading.
And look, listen.
Their costs have gone up around the world.
People are asking, where is America's leadership?
I was with Lek Walesa in Poland a few weeks ago.
And he said, hey, grab another guy and get this ladder and help me screw in this light bulb.
I was really happy about their space program where they're going to go to the sun and do it at night.
I thought that was very good entrepreneur shit.
Like Walesa said that he wanted American investment in their screen doors for submarines.
LAUGHTER This has got to be in the show.
Joining us now once again is presidential candidate Republican nominee Mitt Romney.
Governor, how are you feeling, buddy?
Oh, I'm feeling pretty strong, Jimmy.
Especially after the clear, steady, even-handed way I treated the embassy attack in Egypt.
Okay, Governor Romney, you went off half-cocked making ignorant, off-the-cuff statements based on no information whatsoever.
Yes, I was quite presidential, wasn't I?
You call that presidential?
Well, sir, if the president is George W. Bush, he's the gold standard of rash, idiotic foreign policy decisions.
So I have a lot to live up to, and I think I did quite well.
But wasn't this election supposed to be about the economy?
Wasn't that the issue that was going to put you over the top?
Well, Jimmy, that's true, but I'm glad the public now knows that I am more multifaceted.
I'm just as capable of being incompetent on foreign issues as I am on the domestic front.
But I don't think your statement that Obama sympathizes with the people who attacked the embassy went over too well.
Well, what are you talking about?
I mean, aside from Democrats, Republicans, liberals, conservatives, most journalists, and an overwhelming majority of the American populace, my statement went over very well.
As you comedians say, quote, I killed.
Well, Jimmy, I realize that you're a comedian who's never had a cause to say that.
Mitt, I think you're, Mitt, I think you're deluding yourself, okay?
Stop apologizing for America.
You always say President Obama is apologizing for America.
What exactly do you mean by that?
Well, it's very simple.
Obama is black.
The people who raided the embassy were black-ish.
Obviously, he sympathizes with them.
That's ridiculous, Mitt.
Jimmy, I'm not going to play this game.
I'm not going to sit here and talk about how Obama's ethnic otherness is proof that he wants to lead a socialist Black Panther takeover of America and destroy all white people and let it degenerate into a discussion about race.
Governor, I'm sorry, but you are a liar who ends up contradicting everything you say.
Jimmy, that's an outrageous charge.
I never contradict myself.
Really?
You never contradict yourself.
I never said that.
Okay.
Jimmy, that's it.
Because of your irresponsible behavior, I am not going to agree to let you interview me today.
But I already interviewed you, Governor.
I'm sitting here talking to you, and you're talking right back to me.
Well, okay, that's your opinion.
We'll just have to agree to disagree.
Okay, Governor, thanks for joining us for the interview.
Don't put words in my mouth, you butt-licking, dick-smoking, jizzgobbling fudge packer.
All right.
I mean, Jimmy.
All right.
Nice job, Governor.
Our thanks to the listener who makes this show possible by donating over at JimmyDoorComedy.com or by using our Amazon.com box the next time you want to buy something from Amazon.com.
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Today's voices on the show were all performed by the inimitable and multi-talented Mike McRae.
And Mike McRae can be found at mikemcrae.com.
Today's show was written by Steve Rosenfield, Mike McRae, Frank Conniff, Robert Yasimura, and Steph Zamorano.
Okay, I want to thank two guys who donate their time and talent to help make this show possible.
Sean James, who saved me again when I was editing this week's show and my computer crashed.
Sean James, and you could reach, he can help you too.
That's the whole point.
The next time you have a problem with your Mac, he can fix it for you, and you don't need to go anywhere.
You can sit at home and he'll fix it right over the internet.
It's quite amazing.
And how do you get a hold of him?
You send him an email at machelp at seanjames.com.
Machelp at seanjames.com.
And you spell Sean, S-H-A-U-N.
Okay, and I also want to thank Don Quixote for letting us use the image.
He drew a great caricature of me, and we use it now for the Young Turk show.
And if you haven't seen the Young Turk show, you should check it out.
There's clips of the show over at the website, jimmydoorcomedies.com.
But special shout out to Don Quixote for doing, he does great caricatures of a lot of great things.
And there's links to his stuff over at the website, too.
Thank you very much.
And to Frank Pulaski from Dreamtime Films, who takes some of the bits we do on the show, some of the phone calls, and he puts video to them, and we put them up on the Facebook page and on our YouTube page.
And they are hilarious.
And they're deftly edited.
Frank Pulaski at Dreamtime Films.
Thanks to everybody who was listening and thanks to everybody who does their part in supporting the Jimmy Door show.
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Okay.
Don't forget, we'll see you at Left, Right, and Ridiculous the last Saturday in September, September 29th at 8 p.m. at the Improv Lab.
Links to that show are at the website.
Plus, next Friday and Saturday, we're in Burbank telling jokes, doing our stand-up routine at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank next Friday and Saturday, September 21, 22.
Links to that show also at jimmydoorcomedies.com.
Okay, that's it.
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