All Episodes
Previous Next
July 6, 2012 - Jimmy Dore Show
59:36
20120706_The_Jimmy_Dore_Show_7-6-12
| Copy link to current segment

Time Text
This week, Americans are celebrating the 4th of July, as well as the 2nd, 3rd, 5th, and 6th of July.
And millions of people without jobs have been sitting outside enjoying the hot weather since last August.
Independence Day weekend is a time to appreciate our country and the democratic system of government that allows us to live in freedom.
But as we know only too well, freedom isn't free.
It costs millions of dollars.
And the more millions you have, the more freedom you can buy.
And the people with billions of dollars are the freest people of all.
To those who ask, well, what about the people who only have thousands of dollars or even just hundreds?
But that's what makes this country so unique among nations, is that no matter who you are or where you come from, you can waste your entire life fantasizing about money.
But just as not everyone can become a singing sensation on American Idol, though it sure seems like it sometimes, only a few select private citizens possess the vast amounts of wealth it takes to control all three branches of government.
Democracy really is a miraculous thing.
And we know this because when something good actually happens, it always feels like a miracle.
Even though our fate is largely in the hands of...
As far as we know, we really don't know much about other countries.
Anyway, let's get drunk.
Yeah.
Great job.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
Up-minded, lowly-livered lefties.
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's our talking, T-Day.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Doer.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's episode of the Jimmy Door Show.
I am joined in studio to cross the glass or meet former writer from the Daily Show, hilarious comedian.
It's Steve Rosenfield.
Hi, Steve.
How are you?
Good, Jimmy.
How are you?
Oh, the blue checkered shirt looks good on you.
You look good.
You got nice haircut.
Everything's working out for you.
You feel good, yeah.
Next to her, host of the hilarious and popular podcast, The Comedy and Everything Else, it's female funny lady, Steph Zamorano.
Hi, Steph.
How are you?
I'm great, Jimmy.
I am Mexican.
Yes, you can.
You're a Mexican.
I'm a Mexican.
No, you know what?
It's new.
I'm a Mexi candy.
Oh, Mexi Candy.
Across from him, three-time from her, I'm sorry.
Across from her, three-time Emmy Award-winning writer, but more importantly, 17-time Emmy Award loser, David Feldman.
Hi, David.
How are you?
Hey, Jimmy.
And host of the David Feldman Show.
Yes, I stuck around to drink.
I'm celebrating the passage of Obamacare by smoking and drinking and getting rid of my seatbelts.
It's nice that you, it's nice to hear that you had made you go unsober.
Next to him, I don't know.
They will cut out most of this.
Next to him, you might know him from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and now cinematictitanic.com coming to a city near you.
It's TV's Frank.
Frank Conniff.
Hi, Frank.
Hey, hey, hey.
What's happening?
Okay, so let's do some jokes before we do some jokes.
Hey, Anderson Cooper, guess what?
Reported that he was gay yesterday.
And yes, Anderson Cooper is such a horrible news reporter.
Turns out he was the last one to discover he was gay.
That's the one I was talking about, David.
He called himself a straight, and then he made a mistake and turned around saying he was gay.
Well, CNN reported that he's straight.
So, but we're still waiting for them to confirm.
You know, and if Anderson Cooper being gay wasn't enough of a shock, now comes the startling news that Bill O'Reilly is still an asshole.
Oh, by the way, on the phone is Bill O'Reilly, ladies and gentlemen.
Why did you say that when you know he's on?
Really?
That's my introduction.
How you bring me in?
I'm very professional, Mr. Door.
I'm sorry, Bill.
I was just, you know, I do that because I love you.
We bust your chops because we love you.
Boy, it's good to be on your show.
I missed the days of radio.
Of course, I was on the Radio Factor for a long time, but I couldn't compete.
You think I'm a conservative enough job?
I had to go up against Marsh Limbo, Dennis Krager, Neil Borts.
Have you ever seen Neil Bortz?
He looks like an angry sandworm.
An enraged nematode on him.
I can't compete with it.
I can't be.
Well, Bill, I'm really glad you decided to spend the hour with, or some part of the hour today.
Thanks, Bill.
Let's talk ahead of ourselves.
I got all day to spend with you, Pinheads.
I hear.
I got to prepare a bunch of lies for tonight's show.
Hey, Bill, it was pretty cool.
They all come together themselves.
I got a whole team.
You know, we got to go over it beforehand.
And it's got to be a headache.
I understand.
And, you know, it's much harder than telling the truth because you don't have to remember what you say when you tell the truth.
Yeah, you know, when you live in a world of no accountability, you don't think it's pretty second for the whole point.
Okay.
All right, I got to do a few more jokes up at the top here, Bill, but thanks for sitting in, and then we're going to get to some clips, okay?
Okay, I'll be sure to air off all that shit.
Did you hear, did you hear Donald Trump came out?
He's upset with the healthcare ruling.
He slammed Chief Justice Roberts for quote-unquote bullshit.
He then also went on to slam Chief Justice Roberts for his egotism, vulgarity, multiple bankruptcies, and bad hair.
Hey, coincidentally, Katie Holmes is divorcing Tom Cruise just as the world is suing him for mental cruelty over Rock of Ages.
I understand Anderson Cooper has proposed to her.
I'm getting most of these jokes.
I'm getting most of them.
Okay, so what's coming up today on today's show?
We're going to revisit.
By the way, this is the 4th of July, right?
Or when you're hearing this, the 4th of July just happened.
We're taping this the day before the 4th of July.
And it's a big day.
While we still have our fingers.
And my nubs.
So I want to just say it's a big day because it's the birthday of our country, right?
I'll never forget reading my first time about cephalitic slave owners who founded this country.
And it's also a big day because David Feldman, the prodigal son, is back on the show, the Jimmy Dorothy.
Yes, father.
I'm back.
We're going to kill the fatted calf and smoke a doobie later.
And I'm really excited.
It's America's birthday, so does that mean America gets to go to Disneyland for free?
I think America deserves a better joke than that.
I'll tell you that.
Did you realize that I don't have a joke for this, but George Washington was sterile.
He had no kids.
The father of our country was sterile.
I think that says it all about America.
The irony, right?
Okay, so coming up on today's show, we're going to get back to that.
So we're going to take it easy.
We didn't have a whole week to prepare a show, so I want to prepare you to relax.
It might be a little sloppy, folks.
Yes, the key phrase is slap together.
Okay?
Kind of like one of Ike Turner's girlfriends.
So that's why we had to bring in the heavy hitters.
This we got David Feldman sitting in to help pump it up.
And we got Mike McRae on the phone doing his hilarious characters to help pump up.
So that's what's what you're getting.
To me, some people might look at it as a special treat.
I certainly don't.
Okay.
Okay.
So coming up on today's show, we're going to revisit Daryl Issa and the Fast and Furious.
We're going to talk about that.
We never got to the Paul Ryan and his budget and how it inspired a group of nuns, a group of nuns to take a bus tour around the Midwest, telling everybody how anti-Catholic Paul Ryan budget is.
Plus, we're going to talk.
I haven't played this clip on the show yet.
I don't think it was from the Miss USA pageant, and they asked her, and she gave the example of a movie, which shows women in a positive light.
And she said, Pretty women with Julia Roberts.
We're going to talk about that.
Also, the same guy who hosted that show.
Wait, it doesn't?
Well, we're going to talk about it, David.
Maybe you could give us that point of view.
So, you know, why am I blanking on this guy's name?
Andy from Bravo.
Isn't it Cohen?
Andy Cohen from Bravo.
Yes.
I'm always blinking on his name.
So I teased this.
Last week we didn't get to it.
He talked about how he's not political.
He said he's not political.
Except he does talk about gay rights on his show.
So, except for the most important political issue, maybe of our day.
He talks about it.
So we're going to talk about people who say that, why they pissed me off so much.
Plus, a lot more.
Plus, oh, we got, we don't have phone calls.
We got him on the phone with us.
Bill O'Reilly's going to be here.
Ron Paul will be here a little Willie Rod, Chris, Governor Chris Christie.
Let's not make a whole bunch of promises here.
We may not get 20 people.
That's coming up on this week's Jimmy Dore Show.
Time for another installment of Oh My God.
Okay, this week's Oh My God segment, it'll be real, you know, it's one of our faves.
It's this guy, Fisher.
I don't know if you've ever, Brian Fisher.
He's dedicated almost every minute of his program since the Supreme Court upheld the health care reform legislation last week to railing against it and has been growing increasingly outraged and apocalyptic with every past.
Who is this guy?
This guy, Brian.
Wait a minute.
He radio TV.
Who is this guy?
I don't know.
He's he's got, I think he might have a web series show.
All right.
Well, who gives?
Yeah, no one cares about that.
I think he has a radio show.
Oh, all right.
Well, all right.
I got a TV show.
I'm so bigger than this asshole.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So here's, so let's play a little bit.
Oh, you know what?
Let me make sure I have this microphone up.
And I have to test this first.
Fuck it, we'll do it live!
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER I have the right technical problems on shows I'm calling into.
I have the right technical problems on shows I'm calling into.
So the liberals are out there assuming, hey, doctors are going to be fine with this.
They're going to roll with it.
They're going to be hunky-dory.
We're going to have the same number of doctors we've always had.
Not true.
Doctor, Patient, Medical Association, Foundation, 83% of America's doctors are thinking about Quinny.
74% said.
Getting a better job.
Yeah, who are they to quit in this economy?
They're going to quit being doctors because of Obamacare.
You know what?
I've had my eye on this.
There's a lot of openings at truck driving school.
By quit being doctors, it means they're going to go work for Kaiser.
Ah, nice, David.
Okay, here we go.
74% saying we're not going to take Medicare patients.
A lot of them saying we're not going to take Medicaid patients.
So you're going to get into a situation where you're going to have to have enforcers.
You're going to have to have stormtroopers.
You're going to have to have medical Nazis going around ordering these doctors to treat patients they don't want to treat.
So, you know, I'm glad that this Supreme Court ruling hasn't led to crazy over-the-top rhetoric.
You'd like to see the new medical symbol, which is a swastika with a snake worm.
You know, in defense of medical Nazis.
In defense of medical Nazis, Dr. Mengela, zero copay.
I'm just saying.
Ordering them in her programs they don't want to enter.
That's the only way these people are going to get health care.
So President Obama is just absolutely destroying, and John Roberts is helping him to destroy the entire health care industry in the United States.
Okay, that was from, of course, rightwingwatch.org.
Gets a lot of stuff.
That was a reverend or a priest or a minister?
No, that's this guy.
That's what that was.
That was so crazy.
That was so crazy.
I'm surprised you didn't say it, Bill.
Medically.
Appreciate that, Mr. Cornish.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER This has been, oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes, and you can comment on them, too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Thank you.
I'm joined.
We're back, and this is the Jimmy Dore show.
We're joined in studio from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's Frank Connoff, three-time Emmy Award-winning comedy writer.
It's David Feldman from the host of Commune Everything Else.
It's Steph Samurano and former writer for the Daily Show, hilarious comedian Steve Rosenfield is with me on the line.
I have Bill O'Reilly.
Hi, Bill.
Always a pleasure, Mr. Door.
Okay, and so we're going to play a clip right now.
We were talking about the Fast and Furious program, which got debunked by the Fortune magazine.
And then, by the way, I don't know if you watch MSNBC, according to SC Cup, the Fortune magazine article got debunked by townhall.com, which that's not, it's like being debunked by Glenn Beck.
It's not real.
And so let's remember the whole, the Fast and Furious, you know what the program was all about.
They were accusing the Eric Holder and the Obama administration of providing guns to drug dealers and walking them into Mexico, trying to create a lot of crime in Mexico.
And the reason why, here's what Daryl Isis said, the reason why they were doing that.
Ready?
They've never answered the question.
What were they thinking of?
Could it be that what they really were thinking of was, in fact, to use this walking of guns in order to promote an assault weapons ban?
Many think so, and they haven't come up with an explanation that would cause any of us not to agree.
So that was the theory that they're walking guns in New Mexico in an attempt to use all the crime that this will cause as a reason to now come and pass gun legislation.
It's the ultimate switcheroo.
I can understand how Darrell Issa could think that way, because I think Daryl Isa knew somebody who used to steal cars and then make all his money selling car alarms.
I know he knows somebody who used to do that.
I can't remember who would.
Oh, Darrell Issa used to do that.
Daryl Isaiah.
He used to steal cars and then sell car alarms.
It makes sense how he could think that way.
I don't know if people don't realize, but he's just Hitler did the same thing.
He persecuted the Jews so he could use the outcry about their persecution to enact stronger laws to protect the Jews.
Hitler really just wanted to open a deli after the war.
That's what this is all about, right?
This is really what their theory is, right?
I think that Hitler called it his fast and Furowitz plan, I think it was called.
Fast and what?
Fast?
Furowitz?
The Furious.
Horowitz?
Well, there's a lot of ways to go.
We'll punch up that joke right now.
No, there are a lot of ways to go.
I'm just thinking of Hitler's deli.
Actually, Jimmy.
Here's my take on all this.
I don't think they should be going.
I don't think they should be going after Holder because here's the problem.
You see, if we stop persecuting, you know, prosecuting people in the government for American foreign policy that ends up killing brown people in other countries, you're just opening a whole Pandora's box.
I don't want to get into that.
Yeah, you got to go back.
You know, it would be problematic.
Well, how do you feel about Bill?
Let me ask you, how do you feel about the contempt charge that the Congress voted on against Eric Holder?
In all seriousness, I think it was good.
You know, it had only been done a few times in our nation's history, so we'll probably do for another one, you know, just to keep a good stream of that happening.
Bill, I actually understood that it was the only time that that has ever been done.
They've never held an attorney, sitting attorney general in contempt of Congress before, ever.
Well, what's wrong with having a first?
First then?
Okay.
To be proud of.
I just wanted to bust your balls again for getting another fact wrong.
People make a lot out of facts.
I said, unaccountability won't hurt me.
All of this trouble for Eric Holder just reminds us of how great Alberto Gonzalez was.
We miss him.
Yeah.
He never politicized the job system.
No, ever.
Do you remember when he answered all those questions?
And let's not forget in the summer leading up to 9-11, John Ashcroft's intense effort to rid the world of porn because that was.
How'd that work out?
Well, you know, there's still a lot of porn, and the Twin Towers were attacked.
And by the way, Twin Towers was my favorite porn video.
So let me ask you a question.
The Republican Party, Darrell Issa, doesn't want the ATF dumping assault rifles in Mexico, but it's all right to dump them in the United States.
So they're entitled to gun control, the Mexicans.
That's what it sounds like.
They get gun control, but we don't.
Wow, that's a good point.
That's what it sounds like.
Yeah, that they're upset that we actually gave guns to Mexico, but they're supposed to be pro-gun.
And then they're upset that they want to restrict guys.
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
Yeah, but this is there's a lot of flaws.
There's certain logic flaws in what he's saying.
And the idea also that Obama came up with this scheme, this convoluted scheme, because he wants ultimately to be gun control.
And he didn't do anything about that when Gabriel Gifford was shot and the whole nation was riveted by it.
And if ever there was an atmosphere to say, hey, we need to cut back, we need to do something about gun control.
He, with all his eloquence at speaking at that memorial and everything, and all of the tearful goodbyes to Gabby Gifford on the floor of the Congress, nobody, not anyone, not Debbie Washerman, Schultz, not anyone, said anything about gun control.
Well, Gabrielle Giffords is very pro-gun.
She said, we need gun control.
Like, I need a home ad.
Come on, these are nice people here.
I just like sitting on your lap.
That's funny.
Okay, let's move on.
You know, it's even after this, after the Fortune magazine, I mean, that's how sick our American politics are.
I mean, our American politics are sick.
We have to admit that.
I think.
But it can't get health care, unfortunately.
Pre-existing conditions.
I mean, it really is.
I think that, you know, Justice John Roberts did something.
You know, very quickly, I think, you know, people don't.
First of all, it is fun.
I'm having the fun of watching the conservatives go crazy about Judge John Roberts.
You know, he's a traitor to them now forever and forever.
And I hope it hurts.
I thought they hated activist judges.
And he was their hero, and he's going to be the Chief Justice for at least another decade or two.
And, you know, so it's really a big blow to them.
It really is.
And so it's fun to watch.
But I think that if he, people are like, why did he do it?
He did it because he actually, for the first time in a long time, practiced what he said he would at his confirmation hearing.
He practiced judicial restraint.
And judicial restraint.
Somebody got to him.
And also, don't forget the...
And the epilepsy medication, which many conservatives are seriously putting forward, is.
He's epileptic?
I guess.
No, actually, he just likes epilepsy medication.
He's a freak.
It tastes good.
But several conservatives have very seriously put forth that.
Michael Savage was the first one, I think, and other people picked up on it that his reaction to his epilepsy medication caused him to write this decision.
So judicial restraint is when, instead of finding a way to find your law unconstitutionally.
Wait a second.
The head of the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court is epileptic.
That's true.
Talk about illegal search and seizure.
He's one of the movers and shakers.
What can I tell you?
I think these jokes will be found offensive to some of our listeners.
That's the whole point.
Let's hope so.
Okay.
Oh, don't worry.
You won't hear about it.
No one will write in or anything angrily.
It's not like, yeah, they'll call or write an email to the general manager and CC on it.
The epileptics won't be writing an email.
But, you know, I won't be able to read it anyway.
So, judicial restraint.
Chief Justice John Roberts, very wealthy family.
He was born with a silver spoon down his tongue.
Now, Steph, how do you feel about this?
I'm appalled.
Okay.
Thank God somebody's.
Stephanie just rolled her eyes.
Maybe we should get her some epilepsy.
Now, judicial.
Go ahead, Bill.
Are you going to cut all those jokes?
I don't.
I don't know.
It's quite a bad joke.
Okay, go ahead, Bill.
Hey, do you see the moves that Judge Dis Roberts pulled at the inauguration ball?
No.
Oh, yeah, he did St. Vitis' bands right there on the floor.
I'm not see Stephanie.
I'm a talk show host.
I'm not a joke.
See, Steph and I aren't smart enough.
Yeah, I don't know what that means.
But judicial, getting back to the show, this has been fun.
This is what I sound like.
It's a loosey-goosey 4th of July type of show.
There's judicial restraint, but no comedic restraint here.
I just want to say it's fine.
Somebody, it's great somebody finally stuck it to the epileptics out there.
It's about some time somebody stood up to them.
They had a free ride for too long.
Yeah, took them down a few pegs, right?
So judicial restraint is the opposite of judicial activism.
What Judge Roberts did was what that means is instead of trying to find a way to make the law unconstitutional and throw it out, you try to find a way to reconcile the law with the Constitution.
You try to find a way to make it.
You don't try to overthrow the will of the people.
You try to find a way to make it.
And so that's what he did.
He was like, okay, I disagree with it on the commerce clause, which I think they're wrong on, by the way.
But he said, but it is a tax, and the Congress can tax people.
So he.
But you know what?
If I, you know, as a devil's advocate thing, I mean, what if what if there's a law before the Supreme Court that is like the Dred Scott decision or something that's racist, but that does at that moment represent the will of the people?
There are a lot of awful things in our history that would have represented the will of the people.
So shouldn't justice is going strictly by the law, not the will of the people shouldn't play a role in their decision.
Well, no, I think that if you can find a way to make it constitutional, you should.
Only if it's obviously unconstitutional.
Right.
So then you throw it out.
Civil Rights Act.
Down the throat of the people against their will.
All right, we got on.
Okay, listen.
On the phone with us, we have Bill O'Reilly in studio.
We have from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and CinematicTitanic.com.
It's Frank Coniff, three-time Emmy Award winner and host of the David Feldman Show.
It's David Feldman, the host of Comedy Everything Else.
It's Steph Samorano.
And former writer for the Daily Show at Steve Rosenfield is here with us.
And we're up against a break.
This is a special 4th of July edition, even though I know by the time it hits the airways, it's going to be at least the 6th of July.
But we're recording this early because we're all partying this weekend, right, David?
Isn't that what we're doing?
Okay.
And we're up against a break, so we'll see on the other end.
We got some more.
Who's going to be with us on the other end, Bill?
Do you know?
Oh, I got to get out of here.
Okay, Bill.
It's been a lot of fun, ladies and gentlemen.
Always a pleasure.
Why don't you guys all go fuck yourselves?
*laughter* That's why he's amazing.
Okay, thanks to everybody who made it out last Saturday night to the improv lab in Hollywood for the left, right, and ridiculous show we did there.
Wow, was that a lot of fun?
Oversold show.
Everybody had a blast.
Laffity, Laffity.
And if you haven't seen Left, Right, and Ridiculous, you're going to get another chance to do that coming up Sunday, July 22nd.
Now, that's a Sunday, not a Saturday as normal, but I got invited to go to the Montreal Comedy Festival at the end of July.
So usually our show is the last Saturday of July at the Improv Lab.
I mean, last Saturday of the month at the Improv Lab in Hollywood.
But this last Saturday, I'm going to be out of the country telling jokes.
You got to make foreigners laugh sometimes, folks.
And so we're going to do it July 22nd, which is a Sunday, okay?
So that's a couple of weeks away.
Mark it down.
There's a link at the website.
And if you've never seen Left, Right, and Ridiculous, it is hilarious.
It's been called the funniest show in Los Angeles, LA Weekly's pick of the week.
And if you haven't seen it, it's sketch comedy, stand-up comedy.
And we play video clips of Talking Heads saying some of the dumbest stuff you've ever heard.
And I'm sitting there with a celebrity panel, Frank Conner from Mystery Science Theater 3000, David Feldman, three-time Emmy Award-winning writer for the Bill Maher Show, The Daily Show, and the Dennis Miller show.
And Kevin Rudy, also Emmy Award-winning writers.
And then Paul Gilmartin does his jackass Republican sketch.
It's one of the funniest things you've ever seen.
We have lots of other sketches too.
So it's the Left, Right, and Ridiculous Show.
It's going to be July 22nd.
That's a Sunday night, 8 p.m. at the Improv Lab, which is on Melrose Avenue, one block west of Crescent Heights.
There's a link at jimmydoorcomedy.com.
So mark it down Sunday, July 22nd for Left, Right, and Ridiculous, the funniest show ever in Los Angeles or the world for that matter.
We'll see you then.
Hey, the Jimmy Door show is made available to you, guys, by the generous donations of our listeners.
That's me doing the accent of my neighborhood where I grew up.
Hey, you guys.
Anyway, thanks everybody who has made the trip over to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
This week we have a special promotion with ProFlowers.
As you know, every once in a while, they do a special favor for us and give us some of the money people spend over there and send it back to us.
Here's how you do it.
If you go to proflowers.com, you click on the microphone in the upper right-hand corner, you type in Jimmy D. If you send any flowers, you're going to get a free vase.
And then some of what you spend will come back to help support the show.
Isn't that nice?
So proflowers.com, you click the microphone in the upper right-hand corner, you type in Jimmy D, and then when you send flowers, they have bouquet starting at $19.99.
And we love ProFlowers.
Everyone's always happy with their purchases.
And the flowers guaranteed to stay fresh for a week, the whole deal.
So thanks for using ProFlowers.
It really helps support the show.
Blue K is starting at $19.99.
And flowers are always a great idea.
Nobody doesn't like getting flowers.
And you get a free vase when you type in Jimmy D. Okay, that's that.
And hey, special shout out to everybody who uses the Amazon.com link over at jimmydoorcomedy.com.
It really helps support the show.
They really do send us money whenever you guys click.
So next time you're going to buy something on Amazon.com, you go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
You click on that amazon.com link.
And then when you buy something there, they send us a little taste, okay?
That's how it works.
You bookmark that.
So when you go there, bookmark it.
So you don't have to go to my website every time.
You want to use that Amazon.com link, okay?
I think you understand what I'm talking about.
Hey, we couldn't do this without you folks, right?
We're public radio, and these are tough times.
People don't donate to public radio like they used to.
So thanks For supporting the show.
Come out and see us live.
And let's get back to the second half of the show.
Governor Chris Christie is going to be joining us and Mitt Romney in the second half.
We'll be right back.
Amy, Kenny.
I know what it is.
May I just say they don't write songs like that?
But then again, I'm an old fogarty.
Oh, that's David Feldman, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome back to the Jimmy Door Show.
That's three-time Emmy Award-winning writer and host of the David Feldman Show.
It's David Feldman.
Next to him from Mystery Science Theater 3000, it's Frank Conniff.
Cross from him, former writer for the Daily Show, Steve Rosenfield.
Next to him is the host of Comedy and Everything Else.
It's Steph Zamarado.
On the phone, we have the inimitable Mike McRae with us.
Am I on the air?
Yes, who's this, please?
This is your old buddy, Mitt Romney.
Oh, hi, Mitt.
How are you, buddy?
I'm doing great.
I heard you were taking call-ins today, live on the show, as opposed to pre-recorded, as you and I usually do.
Yes.
I thought that would be a great idea for me to get my message out.
Special 4th of July edition of the Jimmy Doer show.
So what is your message that you want to get out, Mitster?
Just vote for me, please.
I'm America's only hope.
I will take America back to its founding core values of whatever, you know, whatever that means to you.
If our founding fathers didn't have health care, neither will you.
So, Mitt, this healthcare ruling of the Supreme Court's got to really be a spin in your head, right?
You don't even get me started.
I'm just fit to be tied.
Well, see, because they called the individual mandated tax, and then you're the biggest tax in American history.
Okay, it's not, by the way, it's far from it.
Far from it.
Well, I'm saying it is, Buster.
But then your spokesperson came out and said that it wasn't a tax, because you also had the individual mandate in Massachusetts.
And he, so now he, I don't understand.
So it wasn't.
Okay.
All right.
Maybe that did happen.
Do you think I don't have enough money to make that problem just go away?
Okay, but that's what money does.
It makes problems go away.
Mitt, I just really want to ask you one more time about that because the way they seem to be attacking the Supreme Court ruling, they, I'm meaning the conservative right wing, they seem to be attacking in unison the Supreme Court ruling and Obamacare by calling them individual mandate a tax.
See, he's taxing you, the biggest tax in American history attack.
But if that's true, that means that you also passed a tax, the same kind of attacks, in Massachusetts.
So you're in a pickle.
So isn't it.
As you know, Jimmy, that's completely different because that tax was at the state level.
Yeah.
Yeah, but that's still a tax.
You say, same text.
I just did it a little.
It's different because it's a state tax.
Yeah, but it's still the same tag.
It's not a state tax.
I'm looking to get rid of that altogether.
No, no, that is a not and no.
State tax.
Yes.
Very different.
Very different.
So, okay, Mitt.
So I just, it's just, by the way, it's just fun to watch you guys flip around like that and have to try to figure out what to do, okay?
So anyway, you're going to sit in with us for a few minutes, Mitt, as we talk about the rest of this week's news.
Does anybody have any questions for you?
Sure.
I've got nothing better to do.
I actually did have a question for Mitt.
Oh, what's your question?
I was curious about what.
Shoot, Steph.
I was curious, like, how do you feel about the DREAM Act?
And do you have any ideas about how you're going to deal with immigration?
Well, as you know, my family were immigrants from Mexico, which is very strange for everyone.
But I will not let that obvious fact.
My immigration policy, I will get, I'll make sure that whatever people want to hear about immigration is something that I do.
It involves banning the estate tax, and then so be it.
So, Mitt, if your father was born in Mexico, that would make you Mexican, right?
Well, half Mexican.
Let's not go overboard.
So, I guess it's true.
Mexicans really do take work away from hardworking.
Oh, oh, no, you got me.
Hey, Mitt, how is your?
I know that right now you're vacationing in at your one of your many homes in New Hampshire.
How's that going?
You having fun?
Oh, Frank, you should be here.
It is fantastic.
The weather is great.
You know, none of the heat wave has hit us here, New Hampshire.
We're having a lovely time.
Yeah, you guys should all come visit sometime.
Okay, how about this weekend?
Well, yeah, maybe later.
Maybe.
How's your dog doing, buddy?
Oh, once again, a reference to the roof incident.
Yeah, I'm a dog nut.
You know, some of the stuff you just never get to live at that.
I'll tell you what.
When you run for president, people got to dig up all sorts of stuff and just constantly give you the business about it.
Like that used to hire illegals?
Yeah, that would be another good example.
Okay, well, Mitt, we're going to talk about Miss USA contest right now.
And I know this is a couple of weeks old, but we didn't ever cover it on the show.
Right, Steve?
We never covered this on the show, did we?
I don't think we did.
Okay.
Miss USA, a great topic for the 4th of July.
Oh, that's right.
There you go.
All right.
So as you know, the controversy was over this question.
Okay, so we'll just play it.
Hey, do you think women are depicted in movies and on television in an accurate and positive way?
And please give us an example.
I think it depends on the movie.
I think there are some movies that depict women in a very positive role.
And then some movies that put them in a little bit more of a negative role.
But by the end of the movie, they show that woman power that I know we all have.
Okay, she's doing fine.
So far, so far, she's got it nailed.
I think she's going to be the winner.
Such as movie Pretty Woman.
First of all, such as.
Why do they all say such as?
Wasn't it that other girl, such as the Iraq, such as?
What they always say, such as.
Okay, here she goes.
We had a wonderful, beautiful woman, Julia Roberts.
And she was having a rough time.
But you know what?
Because she was a hooker.
She was having a rough time.
You know what movie really empowers women in my eyes?
What?
Monster, the Eileen Werno story.
I mean, pretty women.
She falls in love with a rich guy.
But to me, that's not really a liberated woman the way Eileen Wernos was.
I don't know that movie.
Monster.
The serial killer.
The female serial killer.
She was a prostitute.
Yeah, killed it on.
But you know what, though?
I was going to say, I spit on your grave, but it's, you know, it's optimistic to say that the Eileen Wernos movie empowered women, but there haven't been any female serial killers since then.
So they really haven't picked up the ball from it.
That's true, but you're right, Frank.
But Eileen Wernos, unlike the Julia Roberts character and pretty women, Eileen Warnos didn't need a man to make her feel empowered.
And that's why I think she's a role model, at least my daughter.
Okay, so let's see if she finishes this.
And she didn't let anybody stay in her past.
Thank you.
I like it.
Okay, so she says, yeah, that's a great story.
Great story.
Good inspiration.
You want to show all your little kids.
If you have any little daughters in third or fourth grade, you want to have a nice role model, you sit them down and watch Pretty Woman, you know, because when I'm hanging out with hookers at the STD clinic, I always think their life story would make such a delightful romantic comedy, don't you think?
Well, Jimmy, I'm sure this young lady just likes bubble baths.
I'm sure that I just thought that, you know, she was able to prove Adam Carolla wrong.
She's hilarious.
Such as Pretty Woman, the inspirational true-to-life story of a woman who serendipitously finds love during her work of blowing guys for cash.
It's really, it's, you know, the Cinderella story, the Pretty Woman's Cinderella story is eternal.
It's not what you know, it's who you blow, isn't it?
Wow, Stoneface.
I didn't know you can blow guys for cash.
I've been getting all my cash by trading in my gold.
I knew that I could just blow a guy for cash.
I like the scene at the end when her vagina turned into a pumpkin.
Now, Mitt, is it a problem for Mormons to watch?
By the way, can I just say that I actually watched the Miss USA contest?
I could not think of a show emptier from start to finish with less to do.
It's just women walking in different clothes.
They don't even talk for most of the thing.
They've gotten rid of the, they've gotten totally rid of the talent part, right?
So nobody comes out.
Well, listen, Fox News has to find anchor somehow.
Well, just be glad they got rid of the auctioneer table.
That made it a little more questionable.
Very good.
I mean, it's really the most empty.
And then there's all grown-ups around the show, like hosting it.
And they're going to hear this.
She comes out.
And then they talk to the judges.
They're like, oh, what their judges are looking for is poise.
That's all they keep saying.
They're looking for poison.
She's just walking.
She's wearing a wedding gown.
She's wearing a dress gown or whatever the hell you call them.
It's so debasing to women, you'd think Trump owned it or something.
I will say one positive.
Okay, now let's take it easy on to Donald.
He's a personal friend of mine.
And by the way, the bar is so low for the Miss USA contest.
The woman who answered that question, Pretty Woman, she won.
Oh, did she really?
Yes.
They have to answer one question.
That's how she answers it.
And she won.
That's unbelievable.
Who is this?
So that was the least stupid answer.
I guess.
Or she was her prettiness was over.
I don't know.
I'll bet she was hot.
She's very pretty.
Miss Congeniality's favorite movie was Bad Lieutenant, which is really good.
She was the hip one.
The hip one.
No, he's not the cage one.
Of course, yeah, the Harvard.
To refresh my memory, why was he a bad lieutenant?
No, he was actually, he was actually quite good at pulling women over and masturbating in front of them.
Yes.
By the way, that scene that you're talking about, one of the most, I think maybe the most offensive scene I've ever seen on film, and I've seen a lot of bad things.
That was it.
And they cut that out of the blockbuster version of the movie.
Oh, did they, really?
I told my brother.
It changes the whole plot.
I mean, you know, what's the point of it?
He's okay, Lieutenant.
Not that bad, Lieutenant.
He pulls those women over.
He doesn't even understand what stop and frisk means.
You're supposed to frisk the people you stop, not yourself.
Yeah, that was that, you know, just thinking about that scene.
It's disturbing.
It's just so disturbing.
Well, he was keeping the streets safe.
How could you?
All right, so Mitt, I appreciate you hanging out this long.
We're going to say goodbye to you.
I know you got to go.
You got a lot of things to do.
Oh, he's on vacation.
That was a fun.
That's true.
I am on vacation.
I thought I'd call him.
You're done with me.
I guess I'll sign off then.
Okay, Mitt.
It was fun to talk to you.
Thanks for calling in, buddy.
Have a happy fourth.
Okay, and you guys all go eat the bunch of shit, you cock munchers.
Okay, bye, buddy.
Okay, now on the phone, we have with us, who's on the phone with this?
Christy.
You told me.
Governor Christie.
Christy.
Chris Christie.
Hi, how are you doing?
Hi, Governor.
How are you?
Hey, Jimmy Boss, the president of Atari again.
It's been a long time.
You know, I understand.
First of all, you are now considering being vice president, which I find very interesting.
You said recently that if Governor Romney calls, you have to at least take the call and listen.
That's a little bit.
And you're not calling Domino.
All right, I'll ride with the flat show.
You're a large man, Governor.
That's the only point I'm making.
I don't mean to be.
I'm sorry, say it again, Governor.
What I was trying to say was, yes, out of respect, I will take the call from Governor Romney, who I have endorsed for president.
Should he see fit to offer me the office of vice president?
I will give that the due consideration it deserves.
Okay.
Does that answer your question?
Yes, that answers my question.
Now, I want to ask you, how do you feel about the ruling in the Obamacare?
You know, the Supreme Court, you know, it's nine fuzzles who get to decide to fail the rest of the country.
I don't think that's very fair.
Do you?
Yes, that's called.
Yeah, we have a yes, that's how it works in America.
That's why we have a Supreme Court.
That's why they're appointed for a lifetime.
Maybe it isn't, maybe it doesn't work that way anymore.
Maybe we changed the way it works.
Maybe someone needs to go knock on the doors.
I'm not going to be in Supreme Court judges.
No, I read recently that you I won't be Enzo the Baker.
I read recently, Governor, that...
No.
Enzo the Baker, didn't he do the wedding cake for Connie?
The Vito Scotty.
And trust me, he's a very good baker.
I've sampled his ways quite a lot.
Who, Boy Biscotti?
Enzo the Baker.
Vito Scotty.
Oh, Vito Scotty.
The actor who played that.
Governor, did you feel that the...
I do.
You thought that would be Boy Briscotty said that.
No, he's not here.
Some words for that fuzzle.
No, it's.
Did you think?
Maybe we should put that aside.
Okay, okay.
Did you think the Supreme Court ruling had too many Rico predicates?
Say Rico predicates, please.
You just want to hear me say that.
Rico Predicates.
Say it again.
I didn't hear.
Rico Predica.
Rico Predicates.
Maybe you'll rub yourself down while I'm saying it.
Okay, Governor, we're going to...
Yeah.
Where was it this year?
I don't know.
I'm asking you, where did they hold it?
Was it in Vegas?
Well, I don't know if he had something.
I haven't exactly done a bunch of homework before I got on the phone.
I'm the Muslim Vice President of the United States.
I can't beat the little check.
Marius contests and whatever.
It's all over.
So I understand, Governor, that you are now sensitive about your weight.
There's an article today.
Did somebody else see that article today?
Who also saw that article?
Frank, did you see that?
I didn't see it.
I opened up about it.
Tell me about it.
I also opened up a package of double stuff over there.
You're a large man.
Eating those rainbow Oreos is the biggest thing I've done to support gay rights in my life.
No, I understand that you supported the union between Ben and Jerry.
Now, is it true, Chris?
Well, they at least have a delicious offspring.
Tell me, is it true, Chris, Governor Christie, that you're trying to change the name of the state?
Frank, it did.
Yeah.
That is true.
And also, I understand you're very excited about the 4th of July because you support collective barbecuing.
You guys are rich.
You guys are rich.
Couple bunch of comedians going to be giving me shit because I'm fat.
I heard that.
I heard that you saw Bruce Springsteen 350 times.
Now, is that because you just couldn't get out of the stadium?
Yeah, you realize every time I haven't seen the circus since Celine Deion before what's your favorite Bruce Springsteen song?
I heard that it was born to run Tabascon Robins before it closes.
That's just what I heard.
This is the political.
Take pot shots at me.
This is the political comedy.
I'm going to give you your pot shots deflect off my front butt, so fuck you.
I thought that your favorite Springsteen song was the dark chocolate at the edge of town.
That couldn't even be that one.
The dark chocolate at the edge of town.
All right, so let's.
Everybody's got a high.
I should have familiarized myself for with Bruce Springsteen discography before I got on his.
All right, so we're going to move on, Governor.
We're going to talk about this guy, Andy Cohen from Bravo, and he was on with Chris Matthews.
I don't know if you are familiar with him, but here's what he had to say, ready?
Me, you know what?
It's funny, I'm not political on my show at all, but gay.
He's not political at all.
Did you hear what I'm saying?
At all.
That means no politics, nothing political.
My show at all.
But gay issues are something that not only are of a great concern to me, but just as a human being, I feel so obviously passionate about being treated equally to everyone else that it is the one thing that I really speak up about.
So, yeah, he's not political at all, except when he stops to talk about the most incendiary political topic of our time.
I guess then he's political.
You know, this bothers me because what is it about people who want to call themselves not political?
To me, it's like, hey, I'm a nice guy.
You have to like me.
Please like me.
I'm really nice.
I'm not like those a-holes who are political.
I'm not political.
I'm only going to talk about issues that are important to me because I'm gay.
That means you're political.
That's political.
You know, the Mystery Science Theater fan site doesn't post any of these shows or a lot of my videos because they're political and they don't want that on their side.
Well, you know, saying you're not political and then talking about gay marriage and equal rights and civil rights, it's like calling yourself a vegetarian, but I eat meat and chicken and fish.
It's like you are political.
Andy Cohen's defense, it's a sort of a sad story.
He wanted to host Novo on PBS, but just because he's a homosexual man, they made him host these stupid fluffy shows on Bravo about housewives and stuff.
Just because he's gay, he's been stereotyped in his life, so he knows that.
Actually, he wasn't gay until he got a show on Bravo.
That's how he got the show.
That's how he got the show.
You know, it just really bothers me.
You know, first of all, him trying to say he's not political.
Really, it just, it's just a gut.
To me, I think it's gutless.
I think it's just, it's like, yeah, you know, it's like, it's a cowardly thing to do.
It's like, again, I'm not offensive.
I just have a pet issue.
The worst, the thing that I hate and comedians have said it through the years, and I think Leto says it, is I'm an equal opportunity offender.
Yeah, right.
As if all things are equal.
So if you were a comedian in 1930s, June, 30s to Germany, I'd do a joke about Hitler, then I do a joke about the Jews.
It's half and half.
I don't take sides.
Andy Cohen, Cohen, saying he's not political.
You know, it would be nice if every non-political person's pet issue wasn't inextricably connected to every other political issue in the whole freaking world, Andy Cohen.
It's just, you having, you being gay and hosting a show is a political statement.
Yes.
That's a political statement.
They're saying that we're embracing homosexuals in our culture.
That's a big deal.
Let me ask you a question because I'm not political.
I just don't want to pay taxes, and I don't think women should be allowed to vote.
Can we just leave it at that?
Yeah, that's not political.
That's not political.
That's your pet issue, right?
Yeah.
Women shouldn't vote, and I don't want to pay any taxes.
You know, I'm not political, but on my show, the one thing I feel really strongly about is I'm against the war, and I'm against trying to balance the budget on the backs of the working class, and I don't think that colleges should be so expensive.
That's all I talk about.
I'm not political.
That's all.
Jimmy, I'm not political either.
You know, all I really care about are unions.
Well, sometimes things for, you know, just become political.
Like, for instance, and I'll ask Governor Christie about this, how do you feel about the fact that – I just happen to be a governor.
Well, as governor of the state, how do you feel about the fact that you're constantly covered by the food network?
Get it?
All right, I get it.
You're a large man.
Get it.
I'm so lucky we're separated over a phone line.
Can I just say, I don't know.
That's answer your question, eh?
Gandy coverage is good coverage, right?
I guess so.
That's what they, there's no, look, ask Adam Corolla.
There's no such thing as bad press because nobody was talking about Adam Carolla.
And now everybody talked about him for about a week.
Yeah.
Governor Christie.
Yeah, that's right.
Governor Christie, is it true your favorite Bruce Springsting song is Candy Room?
All right.
I thought it was Johnny 99 Flavors.
I thought it was all of love.
I assigned all of you.
Make a joke about that joke about the tunnel of love.
Didn't you go in?
I heard it was a chili tunnel of love.
What, Jimmy?
Didn't you get stuck in the tunnel of love?
Okay.
I just want you all to know in a weird way.
I actually feel like I'm a fat person being made fun of.
It turned the corner.
It's actually starting to hurt your feelings a little.
Okay, so let's just, let me just say this.
The reason why this, maybe this is why this Andy Cohen thing sticks in my craw.
It's because people like to, when they call me, they go, oh, you're so political.
They say it in a pejorative as if everybody isn't political.
I remember when a couple years ago, it was right before the last election of Barack Obama.
I was in St. Louis visiting an old college friend who was a mortgage broker and had just lost their job because they were a mortgage broker.
And that was right when the crash happened.
And so there's my friend with two kids, no health insurance, no job, house underwater.
Wow, right?
And I said, wow, who are you voting for?
And she says, I'm not, I don't pay attention to politics.
And I just was like, do you pay attention to your life?
Because that's all this is about.
So when people say, that's what bothers me, people pretend like politics is like some game you can choose to participate in or not.
And it doesn't matter.
It's just like, it's like football.
I'm not into football.
It's not.
You know, the point is, we're all political.
And that's the thing you have to understand.
If you want your pothole fixed in front of your house, that's politics.
If you want better schools for your kids, that's politics.
If you don't want to waste your tax dollars on foreign wars, that's politics.
Hey, if you want clean air, clean water, that's politics too.
If you want to be able to go to the doctor when you get sick without going bankrupt, that's politics.
If you want all medicines available to you when you are sick, that's politics.
And if you want equality for all people under the law, that's not only political, but to most people in America, lots of good white Christians, gay rights are not only political, but radical.
So not only is Andy Cohen political, you're radical, buddy.
Most things.
I prefer pork marrow politics.
And let's remember that most things are considered radical just until they aren't anymore.
You know, like slavery.
It was pretty radical to be against it until it wasn't.
Let's put it this way.
You know, slavery, right, was what was the gay rights of its day.
Do you know what I mean?
Or gay rights is the slavery of its day.
You know, it's political.
It couldn't be more political.
Imagine Abraham Lincoln saying, yeah, I'm not political.
I just believe in equal rights for all people.
We're going to see what happens.
I don't want to say I'm political.
I don't want to piss off anybody, but I will kill half the country.
You know what?
We've hit that time where we've run out of time on the show.
Governor, hey, Governor, can you tell me, what does the 4th of July mean to you?
Well, it means a lot of things to me.
Yes, barbecues all the fat jokes.
I get it.
But it makes me think about freedom and liberty.
And how freedom and liberty, it's a zero-sum game.
God made the earth, right?
Yeah.
And he only put so much liberty on the face of the earth, like a precious metal.
And the reason our country is the greatest is because we've hoarded the most liberty in one country.
Yeah.
Okay.
And individuals can do that too.
We talk about individual freedoms.
You give someone else a freedom, you have to take it away from somebody else.
From sea to shiny seafood, am I right?
All right.
Hold on, Dennis.
Quit riding them.
All right, Governor.
You're the gays.
That means you have to take the right for other people to hate gays away from us.
It's a zero-sum game.
So pathetic.
Governor, I read that your favorite quote from the revolution was, give me liberty or a side of fries.
That's true.
Our thanks to Mike McRae for calling in today.
Great job, Mike.
You can always find Mike at mikemcray.com, and he's going to come out here soon to do one of our live shows, Left, Right, and Ridiculous.
He's promised me.
So we're going to get him out there soon.
Hey, our next Left, Right, and Ridiculous, you know when it is.
July 22nd.
That's a Sunday, okay?
July 22nd.
That's a Sunday, 8 p.m.
The Improv Lab.
There's a link over at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
We'd like to see you out there.
Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Steve Rosenfield, Frank Honiff, Steph Zamorano, Robert Yasamura, Mike McRae.
All right, huh?
And today's show was produced by me, son of a gun.
I produced it.
Okay, thanks for listening to the show.
Thanks for your support.
And we'll see you.
Did you have a happy 4th of July?
I did.
Okay, we'll see you next week.
Until then, this is Jimmy.
Oh, I have to thank the guys who helped lend their time to this show.
That's right.
Let me thank the first two guys, right?
Sean James.
Oh, my God.
Sean has been saving me.
I had my computer stolen.
I had my computer stolen last week on a Monday.
So the fact that we got anything done, we had to do left, right, and ridiculous that Saturday, which has a million video clips.
I mean, just say, Sean James saved my life again.
And if you ever are in a pickle and you need help with your Macintosh computer, this guy can help you and fix it for you.
How do you get a hold of him?
You email machelp at seanjames.com.
Someday you're going to need that.
You're really going to need that.
And he'll get back to you right away and he'll fix it for you right over the internet.
It's amazing.
MacHelp at SeanJames.com.
And the other gentleman who lends his talents and time to the show is Frank Pulaski, who takes some of the phone calls and other bits that we do.
And he puts video clips to him.
And then we post them up on our YouTube page and on the Facebook.
And it's hilarious.
It's Frank Pulaski.
And if you need any video editing, he can take care of it.
He's at Dreamtime Films.
Uh-huh.
That's Frank Pulaski.
Check him out.
All right.
That's it from us.
▲
Export Selection