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July 14, 2012 - Jimmy Dore Show
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This week, Mitt Romney spoke in Houston before the NAACP to make the argument that it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if the president of the United States were white again.
Romney knew he had an uphill climb speaking to an African-American audience, but after years on the campaign trail, he's used to long, awkward silences followed by booing.
Romney told the group, I believe that if you understood who I truly am in my heart, you would vote for me for president.
Of course, no one will ever know what's in Romney's heart, not even Romney.
One recent poll shows the former governor trailing the president among African-American voters 92 to 2%.
On the bright side, Romney knows all of his black supporters personally and once even bought them lunch.
During Wednesday's speech, he went to great lengths to be conciliatory, saying, look how far we've come that one of your own people can screw up an entire nation's economy.
Romney acknowledged that barriers still exist for African Americans, especially in his neighborhood.
But he promised to improve the lives of millions of black workers by continuing to tip big at the airport.
Romney also pointed out how his father, George Romney, had been a strong supporter of the civil rights movement in the 1960s, but that he loved him anyway.
His worst moment came when he promised to repeal Obamacare.
The audience jeered for some time, and Romney quipped, who put that in there?
Anyway, it could have been worse.
He could have brought up the Mormon thing.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
the show for the kind of people that are It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper say.
It's hard to talk to you, T-Vale.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's episode.
I am joined in Studio C. It's the tiny studio downstairs at the Hollywood KPFK.
So who cares about this stuff, Jimmy?
What studio you're in?
But I don't know.
I've always liked, whenever I listen to the shows and they say what studio they're in, it makes it sound important.
So that's why I say it.
Sitting to my left, host of Comedy and Everything Else, it's the Latina Steph Semerano.
Hi, Steph.
How are you?
And next to him from Cinematic Titanic, now on Hulu, ladies and gentlemen, it's TV's Frank Frank Conniff from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
Next to him, former writer for The Daily Show, it's Steve Rosenfield.
Hi, Steve.
How are you?
Not on Hulu.
Steve, a lot of drinking in your family.
No alcoholics.
Drinking.
We're still drinking.
We're still thirsty.
Next to him, the host of the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast, chosen one of the top 10 podcasts of 2011 by the Onion AV Club.
Thank you, Jimmy.
It's Paul Gilmartin.
Hi, Paul.
Hello, Jimmy.
Good to see you.
And next to him, hilarious comedian from Teen Yasamura, it's Robert Yasamura.
Mitt Romney gave a speech to the NAACP.
Yep, he got booed.
Really?
I was certain that a billionaire born into privilege with a wife who teaches horses to dance and is running for president to fulfill Mormon prophecy would really connect with the NAACP.
Seems like a good fit.
That's a tough joke to get out, but I got it out.
And during the speech, he promised that no matter if you're white, black, rich, poor, or middle class, he will protect your Swiss bank account.
This week's Coke Romney fundraiser had the most pieces of shit gathered in the East Hampton mansion since Gray Gardens.
I don't even know why that joke is funny.
I don't either.
Actually, we're going to talk to an attendee of that party, that Koch party.
Oh.
So what do you think of that, that Koch Romney Rinn?
We have a phone call coming up with a young lady who was, I don't know how young she was, but she was at that.
She sounds like Margaret Dumont.
Anyway, Leon Panetta was on 60 Minutes a few weeks ago.
And, well, now let's watch the fun as the Secretary of Defense tries to remember just how many countries we're currently fighting in at the same time.
2012 is setting records as the hottest year in recorded history.
And what does it mean?
Well, we're going to check in with world-famous climatologist George Will in the Oh My God segment.
And a fight for certainty is coming up on Morning Joe with Mika and Dan Senior.
Plus a novel idea on how to deal with Syria.
And Luke Russert gets asked a straight question.
And like all hard-nosed reporters, he dodged it.
And comedy about Chris Christie and Anderson Cooper.
Does it cross a line?
If it does, I'm sure that line has got cheese on it and has abs.
Okay.
That's coming up on today's Jimmy Dore Show.
Time for another installment of Oh My God.
Okay, this week's Oh My God segment, we're gonna, it's not gonna be a religious person this week.
It's gonna be George Will.
And you know, the 10 hottest recorded years have all happened in the last two decades.
And the hottest year on record in all of recorded history is this one.
Did you know that?
I know it today.
That's okay.
In fact, I was watching it.
I mean, the news reports are like this.
Nationwide, around 2,000 record highs set this month alone.
The middle of the country, hardest hit, St. Louis with 10 consecutive triple-digit days.
But it's not just the heat.
Across the heartland, droughts and devastating crops prompting comparisons to the Dust Bowl of the 1930s and raising the prices you pay at the supermarket.
Out west, wildfires have claimed hundreds of homes and more than 2 million acres this season.
And don't forget the storms.
Oh my God.
Like last weekend's the rachel windstorm that left more than 20 dead and millions without power.
The Associated Press wrote this week, this summer is what global warming looks like.
Wow, that's some pretty heavy-duty news.
So let's go to George Wilson for some expert analysis on just exactly what all that means.
Explain the heat.
One word, summer.
We're having some hot weather.
Get over it.
But wait a minute.
Okay.
We're having some hot weather.
Can you hear that over there?
Yeah.
Okay.
We're having some hot weather.
Get over it, says George Will, ladies and gentlemen.
That's, yeah, you know, if it was just hot weather, his ability, was he the adult child of an alcoholic?
His ability to ignore the obvious in front of him is unparalleled.
I mean, here's another reason why he thinks that we shouldn't worry about this.
I grew up in central Illinois in a house without air conditioning.
What is so unusual about this?
It affected his personality, obviously.
Yeah, what is so unusual about this?
I don't know, the fact that it's record-breaking?
It's never happened this hot before?
That would be what's unusual about this.
And that scientists have predicted this.
Yes, and that it's happening.
Did he say that his house had air conditioning?
No, he said it didn't.
He said, I grew up in central Illinois in a house without air conditioning.
What's the big deal?
The big deal is it's actually hotter now than when you grew up back then, and women can vote now.
Which he's against, by the way.
Which he's probably against.
I think all of this global warming comes from George Will's hot air.
Am I right?
Okay.
So that wasn't quite the oh my God segment I was hoping for.
It was pretty oh my gody.
It was pretty oh my god.
I want to play it again.
George Will, what is the problem again?
Explain the heat.
One word.
Summer.
We're having some hot weather.
Get over.
It's great that as a journalist, he has such an inquisitive mind.
It's like it's just summer.
Don't read anything about what people are saying about it, about what scientists are saying, about what they've been saying for years, about all the data about it.
It's just summer.
That's my reporter's curiosity.
I looked at the calendar.
I realized that it's summer.
Get over it.
Yeah, so I dismissed all the science, the tons of bodies of evidence.
What if next winter it's still summer?
Then what?
This has been, oh my God.
Oh my God.
Okay, now I read a New York Times editorial, and it said that the president is right to let the Bush tax cuts expire and that they don't really create jobs.
And in fact, they had a hole blown in the, they blew a hole in the budget.
And letting the Bush tax cuts expire only affects 2.5% of all households in America.
Not even that.
Well, that's what they say, according to this study, right?
And the New York Times editorial board.
So here's Dan Sr.
I don't know if you know Dan Senior is.
He's a professional get everything wrong guy.
And he used to work in the Bush White House, and he has learned how to appear sincere while shoveling.
Here's how he responds to that editorial.
You're talking about 940,000 taxpayers.
That's that fall into that 2.5% to 3% category.
940,000 taxpayers.
And a lot of those taxpayers actually do run small businesses and make hiring decisions based on certainty, regulatory certainty, and tax holiday certainty.
And if they're being told, look, we're taking care of one swath of taxpayers who have a tax base, we're going to give them an extension.
You, we're not so sure about, you got to wait.
That impacts decision making.
Okay, so once again, Dan Senior standing up for the rights of wealthy douchebags who don't need the money.
God bless.
Somebody has to.
You know, you're talking about 940,000 taxpayers.
That's not many numerically, but they do control everything but the weather.
Speaking of summer.
I like how you do a 2% tax increase on the marginal income tax rates that's really going to affect decision-making.
Yeah, like the decision to not do a goddamn thing that increases the unemployment rate before the election.
Well, in his defense, cutting the tax rates of the rich has really worked well for our economy in the past 10 years.
Well, see, it's worked beautifully under Bush.
So Mika actually says that same thing, that exact thing that you were just saying.
Tax cuts that have been in place spurred growth.
So she has to have those tax cuts that have already...
And they're saying if you let them expire, then they're not going to have job growth.
And she says.
Those tax cuts that have been in place spurred growth.
Well, I think there's this because every year.
Okay, so she answers her own question, which is my favorite.
Because she knew he wasn't going to answer.
Yeah, he wasn't going to answer it honestly.
Not really.
But then he says.
We're sitting there waiting saying, are they going to get extended again?
Are they going to extend again?
So he's saying that the reason why people haven't been hiring for the last 10 years is because they're going, are the Bush tax cuts going to get extended again?
We're always worried if they're going to get extended.
They should have never passed them in the first place because it stopped growth because the minute they were passed, everyone started worrying about if they were going to be expensive.
They could get extended again.
Debate about Henry Everton.
Tell us you think.
Okay, so that was it's amazing that and then and they'll just look at like everyone knows that guy just slung bull right everyone knows when Mika can take you down you know what I mean Mika Brzezinski can take you down talk about dull children of something why do they have him on in the first place it's like okay here to talk about how to fix our economy is one of the guys who ruined it exactly and he's going to tell us that he's this is the guy that's going to tell us how to fix it and this whole thing about this two percent
or 3% of the people who this is going to affect the Bush tax cuts being small business owners.
Yeah, they're small business owners, you know, like Bank of America, Walmart, Exxon.
And by small, I think Dan means roofless and diabolical.
I think that's what he means when he says small business.
Gee, I didn't know that 97% of all taxpayers can be considered a swath.
That's a wide swath.
Very wide.
You know, it's 2% of business owners, not 2% of the country are business owners.
2% of those
those people who file as a business robert this is a great point this is a great point so you're saying that not two point cent like i just said which was 2.5 percent of the american electorate which is incorrect well you're saying it's two point this bush tax cuts affect 2.5 percent of people who file as business owners which is even less a smaller percentage of the overall population oh it's an incredibly small population it's 970 000 people is as we as dan senior has pointed out you know mitt romney uh seems to
not pay that much in taxes, right?
I mean, we know this for a fact.
And why hasn't he taken his money and stimulated the economy?
He's taken all his money and put it all overseas.
And a lot of these people do it.
The idea that someone with $250 million, if you give them the opportunity to make a few million more, then they're going to suddenly start stimulating the economy.
So you think it's okay for him to have his money here where we can't make a decision about whether or not we're going to extend the tax cuts?
I know, it's so stressful.
Let me just say, if you want a stimulus plan, because the number of jobs that would be affected by leaving the tax cuts in place is really quite negligible.
But if you let those lapse and re-employ all the federal employees we just laid off, the numbers of unemployment would spike.
It would drastically reduce.
They would take away our freedom for them to have jobs.
Yes, they would.
Yes.
And business people, Robert, remember, business people need certainty.
That's why they want Mitt Romney to be president.
So they'll have the certainty that he's going to repeal the 20th century.
Yeah, how can you get certainty from a guy who's changed his position on everything?
Everything.
And won't even admit his one big achievement that you could praise him for is ashamed of it and won't talk about it.
But we're certain about that.
Yes, we're certain.
Okay, here's one more clip from that Morning Joe that had Dan Senior on.
They like to have, it's something about Morning Joe.
It's, I've said it before.
I like to watch Morning Joe because it helps me go to bed angry.
And then I have-I watch it because watching Mark Halpern sleepwalk through it makes me restful and it helps me to sleep.
It's like, it's like if you want to see journalists speak as if they're politicians, you watch Morning Joe.
Yeah.
Because that's what Mark Halpern, that's what they're all doing.
None of them are speaking, like they're all afraid of how this is going to look.
Yeah.
Instead of-So many journalists are afraid of speaking truth to power and, now because they're afraid that they're not going to be able to get high-profile guests because yes guests are going to know that they ask tough questions yes like that was like on the thing you're going to play later on though We're teasing the hell out of it.
So, right, here's Richard Haas from the Foreign Relations Council, which I don't know where that they meet, but I'm sure it's a nice building, right?
Everything's nice there, right?
The Foreign Chile.
How do you get?
I want to get on there.
I want to, where do I send my resume?
So, uh, because I know it's about as much as this guy.
So, here he is talking about Syria.
Now, I don't know much about Syria.
I know that the people are revolting and that the Syrian event.
They look good.
We're a team now.
I even know that.
So, they see.
I'm sorry.
I mean, the Syrian people, they seem nice.
That's what I meant.
They seem nice.
So, here's this guy, Richard Haas.
And he goes on from the Foreign Relations.
Here's what he says about what we could do about Syria because we need to try to regime is committing, well, they're kind of killing people.
They're killing children.
It's almost like they've got some drones and they're Americans.
Anyway, right.
So here's what he here's what he has to say.
His idea to help push this along.
This thing is beginning to take on momentum.
One day we will help Matthew Gladwell's tipping point.
And when these regimes go, they go quickly.
It's going to happen.
We can do things to increase the pressure on them.
One thing I've been urging, for example, is that we announce to the Syrian leadership, we name the names.
The top 25 people around Bashar Ralasha, we say, you have another three weeks.
And if in those three weeks, you distance yourself from the regime, fine.
If not, war crimes indictment.
Wow, if not, war crimes indictments.
Because you know how well those have worked in the past, right?
Remember how they scared the hell out of Cheney and Bush?
Remember that?
Yeah.
Remember how Condi Rice was scared to death to give the order to commit a war crime?
And why does he got to bring Malcolm?
Hey, we already had Malcolm Gladwell's tipping point.
It was when the people of Syria revolted, and now we're waiting to see how it plays out.
Did this guy even read Gladwell or are you just throwing him in to make himself sound smart?
Is what it sounds like.
And he, I said revolting again, and you guys pass it up.
I can't believe it.
We want to call back.
We can do more to help the opposition in lots of ways.
We can put more pressure on the Russians.
This thing is moving towards a resolution, but it's not going to be Kofi Annan and it's not going to be anything.
Yeah, why you got to take a shot at Kofi Annan?
Why has he got to do it?
The guy who's talking to everyone in the international community to bring about a quick, peaceful, and just ending to this thing, it just seems like he's shitting on Santa Claus while trying to make a point about holiday shopping.
That's all I'm saying.
That's all I'm saying.
I like how he says we need to put more pressure on the Russians.
Have you met Vladimir Putin?
I bet if his dentist tried to put pressure on him to floss more, he would have him assassinated with polonium 210.
I think that people are reaching that point where they're not going to read Malcolm Gladwell's The Ticket.
Frank Connoff, everybody.
I just love it.
This thing is moving towards a resolution.
Everything's moving towards a resolution.
Global warming is working towards a resolution.
The question is, what's going to be the resolution and how much suffering is going to happen along the way?
Look, if this guy doesn't know anything about Syria, just say so.
Even though you're on the Foreign Relations Council and they have a nice building, it would be totally cool if he said, I'm a professional diplomat on international relations, and I don't know what's going to happen in Syria, nor how the United States might help without causing more damage.
Also, I can't find a woman's clitoris, and I could use some help on that one, too.
Wow.
Came out of nowhere with that joke.
I know.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
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And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Thank you.
Right now, let's go ahead and we talked about that fundraiser, that Koch fundraiser that Mitt Romney had.
And I talked to somebody who was at that fundraiser.
Let's just go to that right now.
I have with me now someone who was actually at the Mitt Romney fundraiser in the East Hampton at David Koch's house this past weekend.
Hello.
Hello.
Yes, indeed.
I was at Mitt's little soi, but I'm not the stereotypical elite rich person, Jimmy, that you picture in your head.
Oh, really?
You're not?
Fair enough.
Okay.
Well, what's your name, by the way?
Madam Penelope Moneybacks.
Your name is Madam Penelope Moneybags.
Okay, so what was it like meeting Mitt Romney at a party?
Oh, he is charming.
Just charming.
He told me I looked lovely and that he was putting me in a Swiss bank bank account.
I was so flattered.
You know, I'm curious, what do you do at a high society party like that?
All sorts of fun activities, like, for instance, a potato sack race.
Really?
I can't picture all you uptight wealthy folks hopping around on a lawn.
Well, actually, Mitt outsourced the potato sack race.
It was held in India where the cost of potato sacks are much cheaper.
Doesn't Mitt ever want to stimulate the economy right here in the good old U.S. of a please?
It would be vulgar for Mitt to stimulate the American economy.
Why do you say that?
Because things are perfect the way they are.
If poor people and middle-class people start making more money, they're going to want to come to the Hamptons themselves, and that will ruin things for everybody.
And by everybody, you mean the wealthy's 1%.
Am I right?
Yes.
I'm sorry, Jimmy, but the podcasters and the babysitters and the males people don't realize that you actually don't exist.
What?
What do you mean I don't actually exist?
No, you don't.
We rich people never notice these lower-class people at all.
And if you did exist, wouldn't there be laws passed that addressed your needs?
And are those kinds of laws ever passed?
Okay, all right.
So I have to admit it, but you do have a point.
Maybe it's a sixth cents kind of thing where the poor and middle-class people aren't even aware that they're already dead.
Jimmy, the sixth cents is the in-flight movie on the jet that Mitt is using to fly us all to the Cayman Islands.
Thanks for the spoiler warning, jerk.
The Cayman Islands, what do you all want in the Cayman Islands for?
Mitt is throwing some of his money at surprise party.
So overall, the rich people somehow managed to have a good time and enjoy life at the party.
It was so huge, the turnout.
There weren't enough bathroom facilities for all the guests.
So how was that handled?
A bunch of poor people were busted in and we relieved ourselves on them.
Kissing all over poor people would be a policy that he would enact on day number one.
Oh, day number one.
Okay, Madam Honeybanks.
Thanks for calling us in.
It looks like being at a Mitt Romney David Coke East Hampton fundraiser.
Thanks so much, Jimmy.
He's my cousin.
You're dick smoking to his gobbler.
Okay.
Why do your guests always turn on you at the end?
They always swear it.
I don't know what that is.
They just get they get filthy at the end.
Okay, so that was great.
The voice of Steph Samurano as written by hilarious Frank Cottiff.
Great job, fellas.
Nice job.
Okay, so now let's go to our resident Barack Obama birther.
It's Congressman Kaufman from Colorado.
He recently said this.
Now, the reason I'm going to play it, not that this might be hard to hear, I'll tell you what he says afterwards.
But the point I'm playing this is not for what he says now, but how he tries to defend it.
Okay, here's what he said about Barack Obama.
know whether Barack Obama was born in the United States or not.
I don't know that.
But I didn't know this.
That is hard.
He's not alright.
He knows that in his heart, he's not an American.
He's just not an American.
Obama's just trying to fool us into believing he's an American by being born in the United States.
And it's very tricky, that one.
Here's how I know.
Here's how I know Barack Obama's not an American.
Has there ever been one American president who was black?
And don't you think that the definition of a patriot is quote-unquote people who agree with us?
That's what I always thought that a patriot was, right?
People agree.
Exactly, yeah.
Hey, let's just put it this way: if Barack Obama isn't a terrorist, then we're going to have to run against his universal health care, and we don't want to do that.
Nobody wants that.
How else can you explain someone who works to compromise and pass mainstream policies?
In the way, Barack, how else can you explain that he's a socialist trying to overcome our country?
He can't be American.
By doing exactly the kind of middle-of-the-road things that he does.
Hey, think about it, Frank.
He's smart, well-educated, rational.
He's not like any American I've ever met.
Nobody Kaufman knows, anyway.
I don't understand why this guy's a congressman.
He can look into people's hearts.
He could make a lot of money.
A lot more money at the circus.
I wonder if he can also smell cancer on people.
That's like one of the things.
And bedbugs.
Okay, so he was actually confronted by a local reporter.
And let's just watch him just talk about a guy who sticks on message.
This is Congressman Kaufman.
Ready?
After your comments about the president, do you feel that voters are owed a better explanation than just I misspoke?
I think that as I say, I stand by my statement that I misspoke.
I apologize.
Okay, and who are you apologizing to?
You know, I stand by my statement that I misspoke and I apologize.
I apologize.
We talk to you all the time.
You're a very forthcoming guy.
Who's telling you not to talk and to handle it?
All right.
Sorry.
Stand by my statement.
I love what you have.
And I misspoke.
I apologize.
Is there anything that I can ask you that you'll answer differently?
You know, I stand by my statement.
Sounds like a no to me.
That guy thinks outside the box.
No comment until the time limit is up.
I get that reference.
It sounds strange, but what he's doing there, that's how he keeps himself from saying the N-word.
LAUGHTER MUSIC "Denis" by Ben Thede"Okay, now it's time for morning remembrances.
This is Jim Earl, hilarious comedian, who's written a book of obituaries of real people, but he puts a little twist on the obituaries.
And if you want to get a hold of the book of morning remembrances, you can get a link at the website.
And right now, here's Jim Earle with a funny obituary.
Milton Levine, inventor of the ant farm.
Milton Levine, creator of the popular ant farm that gave countless children a personal look into the underground lives of insects, is now giving countless ants a personal look into his gallbladder.
Levine died after falling asleep underneath a giant magnifying glass.
He was building for the time when giant mutant ants will most certainly attack us from outer space.
When family members discovered his body, they were shocked to find Levine's wallet and Rolex had been stolen by dreaded crack ants.
Crack ants.
Levine became fascinated by ants in his childhood and pledged to someday honor the magnificent creature's 22,000 species and 130 million years of earthly existence by trapping them inside a plastic box with a miniature windmill.
You know, Jimmy.
His first ant farms in the 1950s featured a green plastic frame with a whimsical farm scene, including a traveling salesman ant that would end up sleeping with the farmer's daughter, and Levine's subsequent inventions in the 1960s never quite hit it off as big, like the Spawn Ant Ranch, where hippie ants would lie for the affection of the mesmerizing bearded ant with connections to Dennis Wilson.
Levine requested his remains be filled with special semi-transparent gel to provide moisture and egg-laying structures and then buried in Antietam.
Antietam.
He's got the word ant in there.
Take care, everybody.
Hey, everybody.
I want to let you know what's happening next weekend.
Not this weekend.
Next weekend, July 20th and 21st.
If you're in the Claremont, California area, are you in the Claremont, California area?
I know I go out there quite a bit.
The Claremont California Flappers Comedy Club.
I'm going to be there next weekend, next Friday and Saturday.
That's July 20th and 21st.
And the Flappers Comedy Club in Claremont.
This is not the one in Burbank.
The one in Claremont is located at 532 West 1st Street in between Cornell and North Oberlin Avenue.
That's 532 West 1st Street in Claremont, California.
That's the Flappers Comedy Club next Friday and Saturday, July 20th and 21st.
Two shows each night.
There's a link at my website, JimmyDoorComedy.com.
There's one more show I want to let you know about next Sunday, July 22nd, July 22nd.
That's a Sunday we're doing left, right, and ridiculous again.
If you were at the last show a few weeks ago, you know you had a great time.
Sold out Joe at the Improv Lab.
Everybody had a great time.
It's left, right, and ridiculous, July 22nd.
That's a Sunday, next Sunday at 8 p.m. at the Improv Lab in Hollywood, located on Melrose, one block west, one block west of Crescent Heights, the improv lab.
We're going to have a celebrity panel making fun of some of the dumbest clips you've ever seen in your life.
We're going to have David Feldman, three-time Emmy Award-winning writer David Feldman from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's Frank Conniff will be on our panel.
Paul Gilmartin will be doing his jack-ass Republican character, which is equally offensive as it is hilarious.
Plus, Kevin Rooney, a three-time Emmy Award-winning writer, Kevin Rooney will be with us also.
Lots of hilarious people, plus, special drop-in guests.
That's next Sunday, July 22nd.
That's a Sunday at the Improv Lab on Melrose, one block west of Crescent Heights.
If you want to link, tickets very affordable.
If you want a link to that show, you go to my website, jimmydoorcomedy.com.
You spell my last name, D-O-R-E.
There's a link to the show right there.
Okay, we'll see you next Friday and Saturday in Claremont and next Sunday at the Improv Lab in Hollywood.
Okay, this is Jimmy Door's show.
We're up against a break.
See you in a minute.
Music.
Okay, we're done with that bullshit about the shows.
Okay, but now there's some new bullshit.
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Okay, that's enough of our announcement for this week.
Let's get back to the second half of the show.
Thanks for your support.
Everybody, welcome back to the Jimmy Door show.
I am joined in studio.
We're in Studio C. I like to tell everybody.
C minus because it's downstairs.
We got one last microphone.
We're crowded in here, but it's all happening.
To my left, host of the Comedy and Everything Else hilarious podcast, Steph Zamorano, our resident Latina, next to him, our resident Irish guy who used to drink.
It's from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's Frank Conniff.
Hi, Frank.
How are you?
Hey, hey, hey.
And then next to him, it's former writer for The Daily Show, who's still currently drinking, but not too much, just a normal one.
He needs a drink.
It's Steve Rosenfield next to him, ex-drinker, now host of the mental illness happy hour podcast.
Paul Gilmart next to him.
Another ex-drinker from Team Yasimura.
It's Robert Yasamura.
We got a lot of soberers in here, right?
It's three on three.
We could have a basketball game.
Does someone want to do the opening prayer?
What is it?
We can't.
The serenity prayer.
Oh, really?
You can't do it?
What is it?
We can't do it.
Okay.
I can't do it.
Why can't you get it?
Stick around, folks.
I'll tell you every person I've ever seen in a meeting.
Coming up on the second half of the show, we have another Kong Republican congressman who claims Barack Obama is not American.
Luke Russert gets his feet held to the fire by another reporter.
And is it right to make fun of Chris Christie and Anderson Cooper?
So we're going to talk about all that coming up.
But right now, let's get to Leon Panetta.
So, like most defense secretaries, Leon Panetta lives by the Credo.
If you can't enjoy invading other countries, why even get up in the morning?
So here is Scott Pelly interviewing Leon Panetta in a segment I like to call Leon Panetta giggling his way through war and carnage.
In how many countries are we currently engaged in a shooting war?
It's a good question.
You know, I'll have to stop feeling about that because that's just it.
Yeah.
You know, people were horribly mutilated and killed yesterday, but we can laugh about it now.
We have some discomfort.
That is maybe one of the saddest things I've ever heard.
You know, Fett is Paul dropping.
Paul, he means no disrespect to the soldiers all over the world who are risking their lives, but let's face it, explosions are funny.
You got to look at the, you got to see the look on the Al-Qaeda's face just before the drone missile hits their SUV.
Hilarious.
They are surprised.
Paul, it's very hard to get Paul to laugh at right now.
He's really in a serious.
That just charred my soul.
That just charred my soul that the guy in charge of all the wars can't even give us a number.
But not only that, but he laughs about it.
I want to hear it again because it is.
No, I don't.
I know.
I know you're going to play it anyway.
I'm going to play it anyway.
In how many countries are we currently engaged in a shooting war?
It's a good question.
You know, it's going to have to stop and count.
I'll have to stop and think about that.
Because I never ever actually do think about what we're doing.
Today's war atrocity is tomorrow's hilarious comer pile up.
I mean, you know what?
I don't mind.
First of all, I'm not blaming Panetta for laughing.
But the question is incredibly simple, and yet the answer is ridiculously complex, like asking, hey, what's up, Eric Cantor's ass?
You know, there's so many things up Eric Cantor's ass.
But first, Panetta might want to apologize for, I don't know, laughing with all the death and the whatnot, you know, surrounding what he does for a living.
And secondly, it's probably a bad sign when the Secretary of Defense organically laughs at the question, how many countries are you currently fighting?
It's so ridiculous.
Even Dyla Roosefeld went, what an asshole.
In how many countries are we currently engaged in a shooting war?
It's a good question.
Whoop, didn't know there was going to be math.
Pop quiz.
And who asked him this question?
Scott Pelly from 60 Minutes.
And then I'll give you the full, here's the full answer.
Do you want to say something?
Yeah, I just wanted to say that when you watch the 60 Minutes episode, it's supposed to make you like Panetta by the end.
That's how this piece is.
It's a pup piece on what a great guy he is, and how he's always laughing.
And I'm like, you know, maybe.
Yes, that was a big thing about how he's always laughing.
And I'm like, that's not really a good quality for a guy whose profession is war.
Laugh and the world dies with you.
You're the head of the war machine and you're always giggling.
That was a big point that they made.
And there he was.
He giggled about it.
Here's the rest of that answer.
You know, it's going to have to stop and count.
I'll have to stop and think about that because, you know, because, you know, there's kids losing their lives and limbs all over the world.
I guess I should have.
Anyway, here we go.
Obviously, we're going after Al-Qaeda wherever they're at.
Yule Hauser isn't as peppy as him.
That's amazing.
Sounds like we're having people all over the world.
You don't know how many.
That's incredible.
Paul, do you know who Eule Hauser is?
I do.
Okay, it's hilarious.
Okay, I don't know how many people saw this, but I did.
And it was picked up by crooks and liars.
And I sent it to Frank immediately because we both share a disdain for the young Luke Russert.
World's most successful paid intern.
World's most successful intern, Luke Russert.
He was a guest, I guess.
I don't know if that's the right term.
He's a reporter for NBC News, and he was at the Capitol reporting on MSNBC, Martin Bashir's show.
And Martin Bashir, so they're all talking about the Republicans positioning their talking points around the tax cuts expiring for the Bush tax cut.
So here's what Martin Bashir has to say.
Luke, 98% of the population earns below $250,000 a year.
97% of small business owners fall under the same $250,000 threshold.
So just to be clear, Luke, Speaker Boehner and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell are fighting for the 2% and the 3%.
Is that right?
Okay, so we all got that question, right?
We all followed that, no problem.
Let's see what Luke Russert, how he does.
What they would tell you is that is that okay, so no, he won't answer the question.
He's going to go, well, I'll repeat what they would say.
Here's what they would say.
I'm going to repeat a falsehood.
I'm going to give you their talking point.
That's Luke Russert's journalism.
I'm going to tell you their talking point.
Okay, here it is.
There's more.
Right.
The 2% and the 3%.
Are they fighting for the 2% and the 3%?
Yes or no?
I mean, there couldn't be.
You know, honestly, there couldn't be a more clear-cut case.
I mean, he's actually, Martin Bashir might be a little over the top right now, but he, yes, that's exactly what's happening.
They're going to be over the top when someone else is so under the bottom of what they're willing to report.
Yes, what is happening right now is the Republicans in Congress are standing up for the 1%.
That's what they're, or the 2%.
That's exactly what's happening.
That's not a judgment call.
You're reporting the facts.
That's an objective.
That's an objective fact.
Well, they're standing up for the people that run the country.
That's really what they're doing.
Yes, they're standing up for the richest people who run the country.
Yes.
Okay.
He thinks it's hilarious.
And he thinks it's hilarious.
Let's take it from the top one more time, okay, just so we get a good running start.
8% of the population earns below $250,000 a year.
97% of small business owners fall under the same $250,000 threshold.
So just to be clear, Luke, Speaker Boehner and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell are fighting for the 2% and the 3%.
Is that right?
What they would tell you is that is that right?
The 2% and the 3%.
Are they fighting for the 2% and the 3%?
Yes or no?
I see where you're going, man.
I'm not going to play it on.
They have to come on your show sometime, Martin.
Luke, they refuse to accept a single invitation from me.
I'm asking you a very simple question.
It's not like Luke is running for office.
I don't understand that.
What does he have to worry about?
It'll be voted out in November.
I'm going to want them on your show one day, so we can't talk the truth about them.
I mean, that was his dad's philosophy, too.
Yes.
You know, that I want to get big guests so I can never tell you the truth about what they're really.
How do I appear to be a journalist without upsetting anybody?
How is he going to be able to stay in the 2% without completely turning them against him?
Yes.
You know, like any great Capitol Hill journalist, Luke Russert has to be careful not to piss off a Republican.
Yes.
Right?
That's a guy.
That's the guy who's the reporting from Capitol Hill.
And he's going, I don't know.
Don't ask me.
Ask them.
Look, you're the guy.
You're the guy that we sent.
You're being paid.
He's being paid to do this.
He's being paid to go to the Capitol every day, browse some websites, see what's going on, go to politicians and get their talking points from them so he can report them back.
Yes.
He doesn't give any viewer.
I'm obsessed with Luke Russert's reports because he never gives viewers any information at all that you couldn't have gotten like a minute ago or that I already knew just from browsing a few websites.
And he gets paid huge amounts of money.
He gets paid at least $250,000 a year.
Yes, he does.
So we're back where we started.
His dad made like $5 or $7 million a year.
Are they fighting for the 2% and the 3%?
They are fighting for, as what they would say, are for the small business job creators who they feel, with folks who could bring in $300,000, could feel pain if this tax cut was to go forward.
Now, you bring up an interesting point.
We need to press for specifics about which companies would necessarily feel this pain.
There have been a number of studies that have been done which the degree of magnitude that we felt of these companies is not nearly to the scale of what we hear on Capitol Hill.
So what's happening right now is Luke Russert is reporting a most relevant fact, and he's doing it in the most begrudging way I've ever heard of.
I know you want me to say this, and I'm saying the words, but I really am against it.
You know, this is the stuff that the Republicans don't want me to say, Martin.
But I will say, yes, all the studies that have been done show that what they're saying is bull.
I will say this, but you know what?
Thanks a lot.
Now I'm not going to get to go to karaoke with John Boehner this Thursday night.
There goes my Christmas invitation from the Rundfelds.
And I even said Rundfelds.
Yeah, okay, there's a little bit more.
All that being said, though, Martin, is it's a very effective talking point because you can say that you're going to hurt job creators, especially small business ones.
That is why folks like Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer try to raise that threshold all the way up to a million dollars.
So the argument is more clear cut.
You could say, look, we want to stop tax hikes for those making below a million dollars, but the wealthiest among us have to pay.
It's all talking points.
It's all trying to gauge for the election.
Yeah, so that's why we're asking you to cut through the talking points.
Yeah, maybe as a reporter you could dig deeper than that than just going and listening to the talking points and reporting it back to me.
Maybe you could find some sources or something and find out what they're really thinking, what's really going on.
You could do some reporting.
Yeah, or how about that I actually interviewed somebody who did one of these studies, and of course what they're saying is all bull.
It's not backed up by facts or research.
That's what he was asking for him to say.
And he said he actually ended up saying that stuff, but boy, did he not want to say that stuff.
That was amazing.
And you know, Pelosi and Schumer, they've since they're in agreement now with the $250,000 a year.
So it's like that was the only fact that he wanted to report specifically, it seems.
That's a Republican talking point.
Yes.
What?
That Pelosi and...
boehner wanted that pelosi and schumer wanted to raise it to a million right so there's a little bit more he has to say to be clear both chuck schumer and nancy pelosi have both said that they support entirely the president's comments today right because it provides economic certainty for the middle class that's the democratic argument now now look isn't there but then he just reported publicly that that's that they were against it yeah but he goes but right right now they're on board an irony here in Speaker Boehner talking about job creation.
Because if he was subjected to a proper appraisal, he'd likely lose his position on the basis of time wasting.
He's planning for a full vote on the president's health care reform this week, the 30th in just two years.
Can you explain to me, Luke, what's the point of these endless moments of pointless theater when people are crying out for something constructive from the speaker?
There's two reasons behind this healthcare refuel over the Renaissance Wednesday.
Number one, it's red meat to the House Republican base.
They love any time they have an opportunity.
That does not feel fulfilling.
I allow they feel that they can put themselves on the side of that, which they feel is an unpopular law.
Number two, is that the tax part of the law that honest to God, it's like Martin Brashere is interviewing a Republican spokesperson, a college Republican spokesperson.
Yes, he sounds like a college person.
Just the manner in which he speaks is just kind of drawn out.
He doesn't really enunciate.
He's kind of half interested.
Yes.
There's a little bit more to this.
Justice Roberts alluded to during that decision.
Republicans believe is a win for them because they can say if you vote to keep the president's health care law, you are in fact voting to raise taxes.
Again, it's all for the election come November.
It's all positioning.
You won't see any real constructive work happening, Martin, until 2013 in Washington, D.C. Not from you either.
I guess you can go home, right?
I was texted by Jay from Best of the Left.
Here's the question Jay texted me.
He said, I already have an answer for this, but want to hear your thoughts.
Why is it okay for progressives to tease closeted conservatives' sexuality when we don't condemn homosexuality?
So, like, why is it okay for us to tease gays who are in the closet and the Republican, or even how we tease Anderson Cooper?
I would even say that.
And my knee-jerk reaction, I haven't thought about it too much since I read the text, but my knee-jerk reaction is because, first of all, as my friend Kevin Sesha said 10 years ago, lying is always funny.
Lying is always funny.
For some reason, lying is always funny.
So when a guy is lying, that's just humorous, you know?
And so that's even when Anderson Cooper does it, it's like, yeah, we all know.
I've known Anderson Cooper, has been gay since I've known Anderson Cooper, I think.
So it's funny, yes.
So the fact that he's been lying, and not that we don't sympathize with the plight of homosexuals who feel the need to be closeted in society, but lying is funny.
If you're a if you're gay and you're and you're working on behalf of interests that are hurting gay people, then the fact that you're gay is a very pertinent point.
Whereas if you're just a closeted gay guy, you know, that's your business whether you want to reveal it or not.
Right.
But if you're a closeted gay guy who is hurting gay people, then it is important that the public know that you're actually gay.
Oh, and by the way, it's we are required to mercilessly taunt that person.
Yeah.
I'm sorry if you like virulently are like anti-gay Ken Melman was and oh, yes, okay.
If you're a hypocrite, I think that's a good idea.
Yeah, the hypocrisy is what and in the case of Anderson Cooper, the only thing I'd say is, first of all, like you said, everybody already knew he was gay.
I don't even know why I knew he was gay, but that was just common knowledge.
It was common knowledge.
But also, if he in his position as a reporter who is seeking the truth from people, if he's not going to be truthful about himself, then maybe, and I'm not saying this for sure, but maybe that's an issue for him, too, that you can make fun of him, that he's not talking about being.
Although when he appeared with Kathy Griffin, that was basically coming out, wasn't it?
So someone else sent me an email, a listener to the show, and said that enough with the Chris Christie fat jokes, because they said the first time we made a joke was, hey, isn't it ironic that the fattest guy in the state is telling everybody they have to tighten their belts?
And that person said, hey, that was pretty funny, and I agree.
That's quite funny.
But then all the other fat jokes after that, they said were not funny.
I think they're funny, but I think that sometimes we do push it too much, like it's juvenile.
So here's certainly juvenile, you know, and it's at some point we're just making fat jokes, right?
Well, his weight is a hot-button issue.
Well, actually, it's a hot pockets issue.
He's a large man.
So the person who wrote me an email said that when you say he's a large man, it doesn't make it funny.
It actually makes it less funny.
I don't know.
I think, Frank Nale.
I think it makes it more funny.
My opinion about Chris Christie jokes being funny is based mostly on the fact that when I perform them live, either opening for Cinematic Titanic or in stand-up shows, they almost always get huge laughs, especially in New Jersey where people are affected by his policies.
And you're not the, you know, you're not a decathlete, are you, Frank?
No.
Right?
You're not an Olympian.
I'm, but compared to him, I am.
Compared to Chris Christie, yes.
But, you know, it's like, I don't know.
So what do you think?
So we shouldn't do this?
We shouldn't do it.
I think we should do it.
So here, so here's Rush Limbaugh.
So Rush Limbaugh said this about Ocana.
It's fun to hear them freak out about Obamacare.
Here's how Rush Limbaugh freaked out about it.
We've been told by the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court and four liberals on the court, Obamacare is just a massive tax increase.
That's all it is.
Obamacare is nothing more than the largest tax increase in the history of the world.
Okay, so that's a lie.
A little hyperbole.
Oh my God, this is so bad.
So you're saying it's a Christie sign.
They are.
And also, it's, you know, so it's worse than that 90% tax rate that people paid during the Eisenhower administration.
Right.
So they're freaking out.
And they can't believe that it was done to them by one of their own.
Right?
John Roberts stuck it right in.
So this guy comes back.
So if you can't see the video, but Rush Limbaugh is wearing a Charlie Brown polo shirt.
Right?
Exactly.
Like the picture of Charlie Brown polo shirt.
And so this guy, we come back, and this is what this guy is actually conservative.
He was on, this is from the Chris Hayes show.
Here's what he said.
I was struck first by the fact that Rush Limbaugh doesn't realize that horizontal stripes on a body like that.
Oh, come on.
That's a cheap shot.
That's a cheap shit.
And so Chris Hayes says that's a cheap shot.
That's a cheap shot.
And I object to that line because I didn't say at first.
Yeah, I don't.
I think if a person is obnoxious, if we're talking about Rush Limbaugh or talking about Chris Christie, I think it's okay.
Yeah, and all of that.
If they were a fat liberal, I mean, maybe that would be fair too.
But I mean, if a person's obnoxious and they're setting themselves up as an authority and they're arrogant, both those guys are.
Why not hit them for that?
But somebody would say that there's so many good, there's legitimate things to make fun.
Why not make fun of them for being a hypocrite?
I think there's room for Everything.
But there's still room for a good fat joke if you have one.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
Although I have to admit, I enjoy the hell out of them.
And they all make me laugh like a sixth grader.
You know, and the fact that he's a powerful guy or these people who are making fun of him.
But then doesn't that also kind of insulting to people who aren't powerful who struggle with the weight issue?
I, you know, as a film buff, I grew up revering Orson Welles.
You know, he was my favorite filmmaker.
And, but does that mean I didn't want to hear Johnny Carson say that he went into his dressing room and found his pants and there was a tag on the back that said one size fits Guam.
Does that mean I didn't want to hear that?
I didn't want to hear Johnny Carson say that he has a movie coming out called I Was a Teenage Warehouse.
No, I mean, it's a funny joke as a funny joke.
Also, that's a classic comedy target is fat men, whether it's Oliver Hardy or Curly of the Three Stooges or John Candy.
You know, that's a classic, The Fat Man.
I mean, we're just saying the politician happens to be the fat man who's the butt of the joke.
And by the way, let's make this really clear.
We don't tell generic fat jokes about fat people per se.
We tell them about specific people.
Powerful people.
Powerful.
Powerful, rich people who are throwing their weight around.
Yeah, powerful people who, like Rush Limbaugh, who pretends to know what's good for the health of America.
Who makes like a million dollars an hour?
Right.
So screw him.
Okay.
All right.
You know what?
And I will, by the way, it is juvenile.
There's no question.
You know, but there's a place for being juvenile, I think, in comedy.
And, you know, to me, making a joke about Chris Christie's weight is the equipment, kind of the kind of the equivalent of doing a fart joke.
Yeah, it's definitely in that realm of jokes.
But I love a good fart joke, too.
Right.
But we're not making fun of people who are like sad and struggling with their weight, like who are dealing with like real issues around eating and health and issues.
No, that's different.
We're talking about powerful, obnoxious men who are overpaid and are arrogant and need to be taken down.
And this is one way of doing it.
And we're just following our instincts.
None of whom have ever said, like, this is something I struggle with.
This is a way of doing it.
Chris Christie has said that, actually.
Oh, has?
Most recently, he just came out.
But you know what, Chris Christie also, I think that the minute, and I did fat jokes about him before this, so I'm not letting myself off the hook here.
But the minute he said, I'm not going to sign gay marriage into law because I don't like, I don't want to encourage excessive decadent behavior.
He didn't say in those words, but that's what he said.
I don't want to encourage this kind of people that can't control themselves.
From that moment on, any fat joke about Chris Christie was fair game.
Like I said, I did him before that.
Yeah, it's hypocrisy.
Again, same as the gay issue, I think.
It's not even hypocrisy because that's not true.
Yes.
It's not.
But he's a guy who can't control his, and I'm the same way, can't control certain addictions and impulses and appetites.
And it's okay to make fun.
I think it's okay to make fun of people's.
That's what comedy is there for, to make fun of people's like foil foibles and frailties.
Especially of the powerful.
I think sometimes, I don't know if it was framed this way, but if people were thinking that we're bullying Chris Christie, you know what?
I think it's really a stretch to say that we're bullying a man in power who actually has influence to make his state better, and he doesn't.
And he votes against the better interests of the working class people.
And he undermines their education there in that city and in that estate.
And unions, too, right?
Yes.
And, you know, didn't he go back on contracts that were negotiated and took back people's pensions and stuff?
I mean, the guy's not a good guy, and they keep voting him in office.
And you know what?
We're just calling attention to it in a hilarious way.
I don't know.
I know, Jimmy, you feel torn about this because it is sophomore.
It is.
It is.
I know.
I don't know what to say.
And I did laugh at every Johnny Carson joke right now.
Yeah.
Glenn Bell, founder of Taco Bell.
Glenn Bell, the founder of Taco Bell, has dropped his last chaloopa and is now Negra Modetto.
Apparently, his heart, stuffed with a delicious blend of three cheeses, refused to pump another ounce of that zesty red sauce.
Bell opened his first Taco Bell in 1962 using nothing more than some second-hand E. coli and absolutely no concept of what real Mexican food tastes like.
In 2007, Taco Bell made headlines after video cameras showed one of the restaurants getting overrun by rats.
In its defense, the company said the rats were just trying to get out.
Bell requested his remains be wrapped in a warm tortilla, stuffed with hardy beans and grilled to perfection.
That was that one.
Thank you.
Okay, that's our soda to enjoy it.
I hope you did.
Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Robert Yasambura, Steve Rosenfield, Steph Samurano, Frank Conniff, and Mark Vandelundt.
And special thanks for Jim Earle for reading from his new book, Morning Remembrances.
We'll see you July 22nd next Sunday at the Improv Lab in Hollywood for Left, Right, and Ridiculous.
And a special thanks to the two gentlemen who donate their time and talents to the Jimmy Doors show.
I want to say thanks to Sean James.
If you need some work done on your Macintosh computer, something that's working right with it, he can fix it right over the internet.
And how do you get a hold of him?
MacHelp at SeanJames.com.
You spell Sean, S-H-A-U-N.
And if you need some video editing, the guy who does a great job for us, he takes some of the phone calls and the bits we do.
He puts video to them in a hilarious way.
It's Frank Pulaski at Dreamtime Films.
We love Frank.
Okay.
Hope you have a good week.
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