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June 30, 2012 - Jimmy Dore Show
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You're listening to the Jimmy Door show this week.
The Supreme Court ruled in a landmark 5-4 decision that President Obama's health care law was constitutional.
Republicans everywhere were shocked that Chief Justice Roberts would uphold a law that helps people he's never even had dinner with.
The court's key ruling was that the individual mandate is a tax, which only enraged conservatives that even one Republican would vote for a tax increase.
Why did Roberts break with the Supreme Court's long tradition of doing everything they can to help Romney?
Roberts' conservative colleagues on the bench complain bitterly that nowhere in the Constitution does it even mention free birth control for women.
But now, in response to Obama's victory, Romney may now have to come out even more strongly in favor of people getting sick and keeping it to themselves.
Meanwhile, the president still has to sell Obamacare to skeptical voters who don't approve of a law which forces them to buy a product that's absolutely necessary that they were planning to buy anyway, and which is impossible for the average person to understand who's never bothered to read anything about it.
Although the decision may help Obama win re-election, it may also fuel conspiracy theories.
This was all part of his master plan to destroy our country by helping gays and Mexicans live longer.
On a personal note, after many years of going without health insurance, I'm looking forward to going without health insurance for only another year and a half.
Maybe.
Yeah.
All right.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
Up-minded, low-earned, what-beats.
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper say...
It's hard to talk when you keep going.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dupor.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's episode of The Jimmy Doer Show.
We got a full house here.
I'm joined in studio to my right across the glass, former writer for The Daily Show, hilarious comedian at Steve Rosenfield.
Hey, Steve.
Hey, Jimmy, how you doing?
Good, I'm good.
The next to you, it's a host of the Mental Illness Happy Hour Podcast, chosen one of the top 10 podcasts of 2011 by The Onion.
It's Paul Gilmartin.
Hi, Paul.
Jimmy.
Across from him, former writer for The Daily Show and author of Morning Remembrances, hilarious obituaries of real dead people.
It's Jim Earl.
Hi, Jim.
How are you?
Thank you, Jimmy.
I've never been better.
Thanks for asking.
Okay, how's the ham radio?
Oh, I'm Jim Earl.
I'm at Ham Radio's Jim Earl.
Okay.
Don't forget it.
And next to him from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Cinematic Titanic.com, now on Hulu, it's Frank Connoff.
TV's Frank.
Hi, Frank.
How are you?
Hey, hey, hey.
How hard.
Hey, what's happening, Frank?
And next to me in studio, hilarious comedian from Team Yasamura.
It's Robert Yasamura.
Hello, Robert.
How are you?
Nice to have you in studio.
Okay, let's tell some jokes before we start telling some jokes, okay?
You know, Mitt Romney's upset that he says that there's a difference between outsourcing and outshoring, right?
Frank, isn't that the basis for this joke coming up?
Well, he's denying that he ever outsourced.
Ritt Romney's denying that he ever outsourced.
And that's according to a statement issued by his campaign spokesman, Rahuli Mukhanapav from Mumbai.
Ah, nice.
Okay, and the newsroom, the newsroom.
It's a very realistic show about a workplace where everybody has speeches written for them by Aaron Silken.
Okay, and Jerry Sandusky, why not, huh?
It seems like it was a month ago already, but Jerry Sandusky is on Suicide Watch, which I think and I hope means victims will be allowed to watch him commit suicide.
It's hard to make suicide funny.
Yes, I keep trying.
I like to say he's been placed on suicide look the other way.
Okay, and coming up on today's show, we're going to talk about the health care, right?
We're going to talk about that, the news coverage of it specifically.
Plus, Bill O'Reilly, once again, proves that you can't make a rational argument for the existence of God while working on Fox News.
Bill and his panel tried to understand why more and more young people doubt the existence of God.
And Bill blames the schools.
I say, you know what?
I doubt the existence of God every time I watch Bill O'Reilly.
Me too.
And we're going to talk about that.
The health care plus plus the fast and furious.
I am, oh, it's amazing how fast I got furious over Daryl Issa's complete hypocrisy.
He's trying to make McCarthy look like a nice person.
Insert a joke there.
Yeah, I was going to say, wow, could that have been more of a generic placeholder?
Okay, we'll cut that out.
So we're going to talk about that.
Plus, we got phone calls today from Mitt Romney.
Bill O'Reilly calls in drunk again.
And guess what?
It's Ripped Horns, Hollywood Drunk.
All right.
All right.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
Time for another installment of Oh My God.
Okay, so this week's Oh My God episode, we're not going to talk about religion.
Most politicians, I like some things about them.
I don't like other things about them.
I feel the same way about El Sharpton.
I didn't like him, and then I liked him when he ran for president.
I thought he was great.
And as a TV host, I don't like him.
I don't think he's good at it.
I think he's even getting worse almost.
It's like when he's reading the teleprompter, it's like listening to someone learning how to read.
He reads one word at a time.
Whatever his attributes, he's not a broadcaster.
No, he's not a broadcaster.
It's something because he's a very eloquent speaker.
He really is, because I like to listen to him give speeches because he knows how to get you riled up like a good speaker does.
And so here he was today.
Today, he was talking about Mitt Romney had come into Philadelphia.
I forget which city it was.
And well, you'll hear how he explains it.
Willard Romney arrives in a town, still recovering from Bain Capital Takeover.
The same day we get evidence the Bane attacks are working all.
Okay, that's it.
Mitt Romney arrives in a town.
Is he doing a haiku there?
That's what it sounded like.
Right, Frank?
It sounded like he was doing it.
You want to hear that out here?
What are they getting?
Willie Romney arrives in a town.
More specific?
Did they not put the name of the city up?
Was it Poughkeepsie?
He couldn't pronounce it.
It's like, what's that?
I'm not going to say Paholi.
If Mitt Romney goes to Sheboygan, I don't want to see it in my monograph.
I don't want to say there's a lot of pregnant pauses in that, but Planned Parenthood came in.
Okay, so let's.
So I guess we'll continue.
In the oh, my God, will be the news coverage of the health care decision by the Supreme Court today.
I was watching Fox News and Fox News, you know, says news right in their title.
So you know you're getting the news.
So you like things pre-spun before they get to you.
Yes, I do.
You're like having to spin it yourself.
Here's a perfect example, Paul, of why people who watch Fox News end up knowing less than people who watch no news at all.
Okay, here's how they covered it.
We have breaking news here on the Fox News channel.
The individual mandate has been ruled unconstitutional.
Yes.
So they cut to the NASA people, like, shaking hands.
Yeah, that's exactly right.
That's funny.
Let's go over to CNN.
Here's how CNN covered it.
By the way, just in case, I'm sure you all know by the time you listen to this, the health care bill was not struck down.
It was not.
That's exactly the opposite of what they just said.
The exact opposite happened.
Yes, they said it was constitutional to use it as a tax, okay, instead of, okay.
And here's how CNN handled it.
Appears as if the Supreme Court justices have struck down the individual mandate, the centerpiece of the healthcare legislation.
I'm going to hop back on this phone to try to get more information for you and bring it right to you.
Okay, if you give me some more of that good information.
The good information was you're fired.
How about you wait five seconds to tell you now for sure?
Turn to page two.
You might find out.
No kidding.
You can't wait.
You can't read the next sentence where it said, although we find it's not in keeping with the Commerce Clause.
Oh, my God, it's gone.
It's all over.
Maybe the information is being read on a teleprompter by Al Sharpton.
That's why it's coming in so slowly.
Okay, here's how Wolf responded to her saying that.
Wow, that's a dramatic moment.
Yes, very dramatic.
Yeah, it's dramatic because you guys just gave the wrong information.
It's a professional moment.
Dramatic, but not for the reasons why he thinks it's dramatic.
It's the end of your career.
That's why it's dramatic.
It was the most exciting news moment since Al Gore won Florida.
LAUGHTER Ha, ha, ha.
This has been, oh my God.
Oh my God.
I just got these clips right before I came to the studio to record.
I was watching Fox Business News with Neil Cavuto, who does a great job.
And he was interviewing the founder of Home Depot, right?
He's a big Republican backer, the founder of Home Depot.
And they were talking about the home, about the Supreme Court decision.
And here's what he said that business leaders are going to do.
Here's how the business leaders are going to respond to the healthcare decision.
From the businessman's standpoint, I had lunch with a group of business people today.
And when I got back, I spoke to other business people, and they all said the same thing.
Look, we're not going to do anything.
We're not moving.
We're not going to hire any more people.
We're not interested in creating rolling or what?
Well, it's because of the total uncertainty of what's happening in Washington.
Okay, so there's the B.S. Kennard again of we're not going to hire anymore because of this health care bill because of the uncertainty.
But guess what?
You just got certainty.
This health care bill is the law of the land.
It's not going to be repealed.
It is constitutional.
Although, I don't know if you might have had this somewhere else, but Rand Paul, did you hear what he said?
No.
Just because a few people in the Supreme Court say it's not, that doesn't mean that it's that it's constitutional.
You've got to be kidding.
You've got to be killing.
He totally said that.
Where did you see that?
You've got to call me and tell me to get that.
And so they have certainty now.
So this bill that was passed two years ago has now been deemed constitutional.
So there is certainty.
And even Neil Cavuto recognizes that.
But he doesn't want to step on this guy's toes too hard because he's got a lot of money and Neil doesn't like to make those people uncomfortable.
So here's what Neil Cavuto says to this guy.
He kind of hedges and kind of says, you know what, though, there is certainty.
What do you say to that now?
You like a sense of assurance or something that you know is coming down the pike.
This was a big old question mark.
I guess for the time being, Bernie, less of a question mark.
But what do you make of that?
That at least there's no doubt now.
So there it is.
So at least there's no doubt now.
There's no question mark.
You guys wanted certainty?
You got certainty, Bernie.
And here's what the founder of Home Depot has to say back.
The guy who says, we're not going to hire anybody.
Here's what he has to say.
Now we have certainty.
Yeah, I would say that most business people are going on the basis that nothing is going to happen, that in fact, Obamacare is going to be in.
Look, if Romney is elected, he's got to have a Democratic House and he's got to have a Democratic Senate, a Republican House and a Republican Senate.
If he doesn't have the Senate and the House, it's not going to be refuted.
So I don't know if you noticed he's not answering the question.
I don't know if he noticed that.
So Neil Cavuto said, well, this whole canard that you guys have been saying about you got to have certain, you got to have certainty.
Well, now we do have certainty.
There's no doubt.
And he says, yes, we're all, we are accepting it's going to be Obamacare.
So are you guys going to stop doing business?
You guys aren't going to do business anymore.
This whole idea that businessmen need certainty before they will invest their money, that's what risk is called.
That's what business is all about, risk.
That's why you reward risk.
That's why it's called risk.
It's not, I'm going to certainty my money.
I'm going to risk my money in the business.
Go ahead.
Besides, they're always hiring people outside of Home Depot.
Every time I go there, somebody's standing around.
It's full of people.
I try to get jobs.
He makes business people sound so childish.
We didn't win this mandate.
We're not going to hire anybody else.
I don't care.
Customers come in and they want stuff and we don't have enough people to wait on them.
It's too bad.
Because, you know, the service at Home Depot is...
That's how mad we are.
That's exactly, Frank, my point.
That's exactly business.
Again, it has nothing to do with certainty.
It has nothing to do with uncertainty.
It has nothing to do with the tax structure.
It has to do with when businesses hire people when their demand goes up for their goods or services.
They hire people.
They fire people when demand for their goods or services goes down.
I think Franklin Delano Roosevelt understood this theory of economics was demand side economics, was you put money into the pockets of working people.
It creates a demand in the economy, and that creates a stronger economy.
Can we all just celebrate the fact that the door is now open for us to be unable to afford health care?
Uncertainty causes rich people to buy more luxury items.
Uncertainty does.
And more houses and invest in foreign bank accounts, things like that.
You know, Henry Ford understood this.
Henry Ford understood that the guys who make my car have to be able to afford to buy the car, or we're not going to be able to sell enough cars to make a Big company.
And so this has nothing to do with anything for this guy.
If he has 40-hour-a-week employees, he's still required to give them health insurance.
Right?
He was yesterday.
He is today.
Nothing has changed.
But you know what?
And he's saying that everything hinges on Romney getting elected.
And Romney is kind of like right now a guy who saw Bruce Springsteen in a club when he first started performing.
And now everybody else is talking about Bruce Springsteen, but he can't say, I was there first.
Oh, you mean with the health care?
With the health care.
Like, he came up with all this stuff and he can't admit it.
You know, you know, they really screwed themselves just because they hated Barack Obama.
You know, instead of saying, look, we worked together.
We got this health care done.
We got it done on a Republican basis.
We don't have to have a big government take over.
Like, they could still paint Obama's.
That's really good.
They could have said if we weren't there, we'd have socialism.
But now we've got reality.
We've got this moderate health care that we wanted.
And it could have been a victory for them.
For them.
And Mitt Romney could run on this health care bill as opposed to Barack Obama because they would say, this isn't his health care bill.
He wants to have Medicare.
He wants the government to run it.
And we saved you.
I think it's a, they totally misplayed this one.
They totally misplayed this one.
It's funny, too, that a Republican is trying to unseat somebody by hiding his Democratic past.
And he wants to unseat a Democrat who just keeps acting like a Republican.
Yeah, boy, and everybody already knows.
Everybody already knows that Romney had the health care bill.
Everybody's pretending that they don't know because if he denies it, it's like it never happened.
Right.
Hey, guess what?
Who called me?
Hilarious Mitt Romney.
That's the one, not the regular one.
It's the hilarious one called me.
Here it is.
Want to hear it?
Here we go.
Okay, I don't know why he keeps agreeing to be on my show, but once again, my guest is UP presidential candidate, Mitt Romney.
Governor, thanks for joining me.
Jimmy, I have some things to say that I'd like to keep confidential, so I decided to say them on your podcast.
Thank you.
I get it.
What's on your mind?
Jimmy, I am sick of everybody always saying that I have no integrity and that I'm too cowardly to ever express an opinion.
Why do you think they say that, Mitt?
I don't want to say right now.
I'll have to get back to you on that.
You see, Governor, that's just what people mean.
I know you don't want to hear this, but it's true.
You have no core beliefs.
Listen, Jimmy, if you look deep into my core, you know what you'll find?
What?
Nothing.
Don't you get it?
I'm incredibly shallow.
I'm what they call an empty suit.
All I care about is wealth and power.
A money-hungry, power-mad liar is what I am down to my very core.
Though I do have core values.
In fact, my core values are valued at about a quarter billion dollars right now.
But what about something like immigration?
Where if you take one position, you'll alienate Hispanics.
But if you take the opposite position, you'll piss off your conservative base.
What to do then?
I can't hear you.
What?
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
Governor, I'm just saying.
Look, will everybody just get off my back?
Do you know how hard it is to be in a position where you can't solve a problem by just firing people?
In the past, anytime things got stressful, I'd lay off thousands of workers and it would instantly relax me.
It was like soaking in a warm tub filled with Calgon bath oil tea.
Did you say Calgon take me away?
No, I'd say Calgon takes hundreds of employees away from your payroll and I'll be able to make a profit for me and my buddies at Bain Capitol.
Jimmy, let me tell you, there was nothing like a massive layoff to take my mind off the struggle that comes from having $250 million in my checking account.
You know what?
I don't know what you mean.
Not by a long shot, buddy.
Oh, that's right.
I forgot.
You host a podcast.
Well, Jimmy, I promise you, after I'm elected, more and more Americans will get to experience the lifestyle of a podcast host.
Well, Governor Romney, thanks for joining me today.
I appreciate it.
Thank you, Jimmy.
And why don't you go get on the fuck train to fucktown?
It's about to leave.
Oh, shit.
You got five more minutes.
You're about to miss the fuck train.
You fucking piece of shit.
I didn't write this one out beforehand.
You know what I want you to fuck yourself, you fucking piece of cunt that smells like the top of my butt crack.
Okay, that was Mitchoretz or something.
I don't know.
He really goes off at the end of those calls.
Why does he call you?
It makes no sense.
Isn't he busy?
I guess everybody needs a release.
He won't talk to anyone, but he calls Jimmy.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
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We're in studio.
This is the Jimmy Door show, and we're talking about right now we're talking about the Fast and Furious program and the congressional investigation and the vote to find Eric Holder, the Attorney General, in contempt.
I'm in studio with a lot of funny people.
Robert Yasamura, Steve Rosenfield, Paul Gail Martin, Jim Earl, Frank Connoff, and Steph Samurano from the popular podcast Comedy and Everything Else with Fred Stoller as a guest this week.
Right now, we're talking about the Fast and Furious and Daryl Issa.
They held Eric Holder in contempt.
They voted it to, I think it was 258 to 95.
They voted to hold him in contempt.
With 100 people abstaining because they walked out on the vote.
Yeah.
It turns out that this whole Fast and Furious program, according to Fortune magazine, that liberal rag, Fortune magazine, said that they did an investigation, and it turned out this didn't happen.
None of it happened.
In fact, what really happened here was that there was a agent from the ATF who was upset at his boss.
And so what he did was he went and sold a bill of goods to some reporters about, hey, this guy is walking guns to Mexico, right?
Well, that turns out that didn't happen.
That never happened, although it did happen under the Bush administration.
And ISA won't look into what happened during the Bush administration.
In a program that started in 2006 called Wide Receiver, the idea was you would give these guns to the drug cartels, and then you would be, when you catch them, you'd be able to find who the people work.
Which, by the way, just reasonable gun law would have fixed.
Yeah, just like, oh, you write down the serial number of guns when you sell them to a person.
Right, but they can't do that.
Oh, good point, Robert.
And I love, too, that Holder is being held in contempt.
And Alberto Gonzalez, it never happened.
Remember?
How is that possible?
Gonzalez lied.
Bullfaced lied.
He didn't say, like, I can't answer that.
He said, no, I don't remember that.
We can prove you remember that.
Right.
We're going to let this one go.
So, So the Fast and Furious.
So here's the big theory.
The conspiracy.
So they had to come.
So Barack Obama, again, to get rural white people to vote for Republicans, they scare them by saying the Democrats are taking your guns.
Barack Obama has never proposed one gun law in his entire presidency.
He's kind of a dream come true for the NRA.
Yes.
He is.
And even after Gabby Gifford's still, you would think that that would have changed things.
And it changed absolutely.
He made a very beautiful, eloquent speech, but it changed nothing.
Changed nothing.
And the NRA has to keep you scared.
They have to keep saying they're coming, though.
They're coming for your guns.
Even though there's not one gun laws on the books that he's proposed, he's not even had, there's not even any proposed gun laws working their way through Congress.
Nothing.
He's not even talking about proposing gun laws and speeches.
There's no gun laws out there that Barack Obama is going to, but that's their idea.
He has a gun rack on his limo.
So here, here is the here's the here's the spokesperson for the NRA.
And here's the theory that he's trying to push of why the Barack Obama administration was supposedly, quote-unquote, walking guns, giving guns to criminals in Mexico.
First of all, it turns out wasn't happening.
Wasn't happening.
Okay, here we go.
Here's what he says, why they were doing that.
The president and the attorney general and the secretary of state would all be running around going 90% of the guns come from America in an attempt to seek political advantage and in an attempt to enact more gun control laws on honest American citizens and use this whole issue politically against the Second Amendment in the United States.
So let me just, again, I have to set the table here.
What he's saying, they wanted to create a lot of crime with these with American guns in Mexico.
So we're going to send these guns to Mexico, create a lot of crime with these guns, and then the Barack Obama administration would say, see, all the guns in Mexico are coming from America.
We need stricter gun laws here.
That's this guy who was saying that's what Barack Obama's theory was.
That's this guy's theory of what Barack Obama was doing.
It's the most convoluted, crazy thing I've ever heard.
Yeah, it's not.
It's, yes, it's back, up is down, and black is white.
And it's in the mainstream of the Republican Party.
It's a crackpot idea that Daryl Issa and today, all the Republicans and the Democrats who voted to hold him in contempt are all buying into that they're trying to come after your gun law.
I have to say that is the biggest difference.
One of the biggest differences between the left and the right.
You know, while I certainly have my problems with the left, they don't fabricate things to the degree that the right does.
It's astounding how they will fabricate things and then just repeat it.
They just invented it.
Repeat it.
They repeat it.
Because it's worked for them to do that.
That's why they keep it.
You invent a false reality.
And then you just, if you repeat it, tax cuts create jobs.
We have to fight him over there so we don't have to fight him over here.
They have weapons of mass destruction.
We can't let the terrorists win.
It's all those things.
Saddam attacked us on 9-11.
You just say it, Barack Obama's birth certificate.
You just keep saying it over and over and over and over.
And it works.
But you know how you know this is a lie?
Because Obama didn't do it.
You know, because stop right there, Riley.
No, because it's been a known thing that straw purchasers have been buying guns in the United States and smuggling them to Mexico.
That's been a known thing since the drug war, the most recent incarnation of the drug wars started.
That's been a good thing.
Shouldn't they also be praising Obama because he passed health care legislation and obviously he did it because he doesn't want there to be affordable health care.
Couldn't you take that logic to everything he does?
Well, let's take the logic to Rick Perry.
Here's Rick Perry trying to build a case against the Barack Obama administration over this.
And here he is with Bob Schaefer.
And let's see if you can figure out exactly what he's trying to accuse the administration of.
And he's talking about Fast and Furious because the Obama administration has finally implemented executive privilege.
Like, I'm not going to turn, they're not going to turn over certain documents to the Congress, and they're going to incite, because they're citing executive privilege.
Okay.
And so this is what Rick Perry is referring to here.
I mean, what are they hiding?
What has gone on that is so important that I'm going to use executive privilege to keep the United States Congress from having documents.
This is really troubling.
What is it troubling to the American people?
I wonder what are you implying?
So Bob Schieffer actually asked him, what are you implying?
What exactly are you accusing the president of here, Governor?
I don't know.
I mean, that's.
I thought you knew.
I thought you knew.
You don't know?
You want to hear?
You want to hear it here.
I don't know, but he's a black city folk.
That's what I know.
Never got to come to my ranch.
Rick Perry.
I'm going to play it for you one more time.
What exactly are you accusing the president of here, Governor?
I don't know.
I mean, that's the issue.
What exactly am I accusing the president of?
Come on now.
I thought the press was over with the gotcha questions.
Let's see.
I'm accusing the president of three things, three things, hiding something, using executive privilege, and number three, what was number three again?
Oh, yeah, the Department of Energy.
No, that's not it.
Damn it.
Oops.
Oops.
Yes.
So by the way, Darrell Issa, who's the chairman of the committee who's asking, who's holding him in contempt and holding these hearings, he went on Fox News.
He was on every Sunday show, right?
Everyone I saw, he was on this week with Stuffan Lopigis.
He was on Meet the Press.
He was on...
But he went on Fox News.
Good joke.
He went on Fox News and Chris Wallace actually asked him an actual question.
So here he is.
Here's the question.
Question.
Do you have any evidence that White House?
And by the way, you know it's a real question because on Fox News, they have to warn their guests.
Here comes question.
Uh-oh, it's a real one.
Well, he has to warn him first.
Question.
Okay.
Okay.
Question.
Do you have any evidence that White House officials were involved in these decisions, that they knowingly misled Congress and are involved in a cover-up?
No, we don't.
Zero evidence.
Zero evidence.
They have no evidence.
And yet this guy's running around with his hair on fire holding the attorney general in contempt, but you have no evidence.
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People have told me that they feel this part of the show is too long, but I don't know how to make it shorter.
I have to let people know how they can support the show.
Okay, thank you very much, and we'll see you.
Don't forget left, right, and ridiculous Saturday at 8:30 p.m.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome back to the Jimmy Door show.
I am joined in studio.
We have a full house with us.
We have a former writer for The Daily Show, Steve Rosenfield, is here, the host of the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast.
Paul Gilmartin is here.
Jim Earl, former writer for The Daily Show and author of Morning Remembrances, and from FitzTV's Frank from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and cinematictitanic.com.
It's Frank Conniff.
And to my right, hilarious comedian from Team Yasamura.
It's Robert Yasamura and the host of Comedy and Everything Else, Steph Semarano, is here somewhere.
She's here somewhere.
I can't see her, but I know she's around.
Right here, Jimmy.
Okay, see, she's somewhere.
Okay, what's coming up on the second half of the show?
We're going to talk about why young people aren't believing in God as much as they used to.
And we're going to talk about it through the eyes of Bill O'Reilly and his panel.
Plus, we're going to have phone calls from Mitt Romney.
Bill O'Reilly calls in drunk.
And guess what?
Rip Torn's Hollywood drunk tank is happening at the end of the show.
In fact, let's get to Mitt Romney right now, ladies and gentlemen.
Jimmy, it's me, Mitty, one of the three Mormons most people could name, and the only one who doesn't live in Utah.
Hello.
And all my Mexican friends out there.
Hello.
These have been getting a lot of questions on whether or not I support what remains of Arizona's SB 1070 and whether or not I renew President Obama's recent decision not to report deport young immigrants.
And my answer to the media is this: why are you making this so hard for me?
I mean, I really want to be president, and you guys are just spoiling it.
Don't you understand that if I take an actual policy position on something, I might not get to be president?
And Mitt wants to be president.
Well, since it looks like I'm not going to get out of this one, here it is.
I swear on the seeing stones of John Smith, I don't have any opinion about this stuff at all.
I've never actually met an illegal immigrant, unless you count the president.
That's a joke.
I don't think the president is illegal.
But on the other hand, there's no way I'm going to denounce the birthers because I really want to be president.
But seriously, for all I know, illegal immigrants might have glow and feet and tails like Jews.
I mean, we just don't know.
It's not my fault.
I and all my friends can afford to hire white housekeepers and gardeners.
So, how in the heck, fire, am I going to meet one of these illegal types now?
Despite what you may think, I'm not stupid.
I just act like that for the mouth breathers who want to be ruled by someone as stupid as they are.
So, I know I have to say something when I'm asked these types of questions.
So, here's my answer: The president has failed to lead on this issue, he's failed to lead on this issue.
The black guy doesn't do anything.
El Presidente Denegro, no japodido, please theater.
Well, that's it for this phone call, it seems.
It's been a super phone call.
So, until next time, right out of my left-hand bag.
Okay, okay, that was Mitt Romney kicking off the second half.
He calls you twice in one show.
One show, he likes me, he likes impact segment today.
Have you ever doubted the existence of God?
That personal question was recently asked by the Pew Research Center.
The result: 68% of Americans under the age of 30 say they have never doubted the existence of God, but 31% have.
And for the USA, that's a big number.
Man, at that rate, a whole generation of young people will grow up without the joy and comfort of a crippling fear of God.
Okay.
Among Americans 65 years or older, just 9% have doubted the existence of a deity, while 89% are people of faith across the board.
Did you hear that statistic of people 65 and older?
Only 9% have ever doubted the existence of God.
9% of people 65 and over, do atheists die before they get to 65?
Well, as I heard Martin Moll say one time, an agnostic is an atheist who's 68.
Okay, so there's a little bit more.
Catholic Church, and I'm a Catholic, Michelle, as you know, must know.
It's about 25%, 24% now going to mass on a weekly basis.
Very, very low.
And nothing like it was even 15 years ago.
But there's a more, the public schools have a lot to do with this, I think.
Yeah, he said he's so he blames the public schools for people not going to church anymore.
Maybe it's religion.
Yeah, maybe it's because the church is the last place they got molested.
I don't know.
So you're looking at the pre-rape numbers.
Yeah.
By the way, I blame public schools for those numbers not being higher.
Yes, yes.
I don't know what I don't follow that.
It should be 80% have questioned the existence of God.
And if our schools were doing a good enough job, they would tell them, how about you do a little critical thinking and question this thing of which there is no proof whatsoever?
Well, in Texas, the public school textbooks say that Jesus signed the Constitution.
So that's pretty much it.
If our schools were doing a good job, it would be like 128%.
Yes, but am I ready to go to math?
No, if schools were doing a good job, 80% of the kids would have questioned God and 40% would not have.
That's the same joke in a little different way.
Okay.
You know, and if our younger generation loses its religious faith, how will they even know which people they're supposed to hate or when to feel ashamed of their pee-pees?
That's my biggest question.
Okay, so and on the bright side, it gives us one more reason to take teachers' pensions away.
That's what I like about it.
Okay, so here we go.
He blames public school.
Heck, does anybody ever blame God for this?
He's got to be the culprit.
When does God ever take responsibility for stuff that goes wrong?
I don't know.
Okay, here we go.
And by the way, teachers have such a heavy workload, it's all they can do just to turn students gay.
Okay, here we go.
Wherein spirituality has been totally wiped out of the curriculum in all American public schools.
You can't talk about anything spiritual at all.
And by spirituality, he means Christianity.
Can you imagine if they taught spirituality, but it wasn't Christianity, the uproar, if they taught yoga or meditation or connecting to nature or something that didn't fit into their idea of Scientology.
You know, I just want more math at church.
That's what I'm really looking for.
That's what the collection basket's for.
Yes, exactly.
I had to give an oral at church.
Is that a thing?
Whoa.
Where spirituality has been totally wiped out of the curriculum in all American public schools.
You can't talk about anything spiritual at all, or it's church and state, and then this, that, and the other thing.
They're fainting, they're throwing up.
It's crazy.
And you combine it.
Maybe they're just nauseous.
He's talking about the public schools are Beetle Mania.
He's talking about a typical Baptist meeting.
I think he's watching the movie Cloverfield.
Speaking in tongues, they're thrown up.
They're feigning.
Where did that come from?
I don't get that.
That they're throwing up in.
Yeah, if you mention God, that's what the liberals do.
That's what you liberals do.
Well, look, I think it's important to know that this poll doesn't say that young people are disbelieving in God.
It's that they're skeptical.
More skeptical, right?
Yes, exactly.
But that's no suspicion.
Yeah, that's where it begins.
People become skeptical of superstition.
And next thing you know, they're thinking for themselves.
And then what are you going to do?
By the way, I think this is like rape statistics.
I think more people are admitting it than they used.
Oh, you mean that they that, oh, I see what you're saying.
Skeptical.
Used to be that people wouldn't admit that they were skeptical of God.
That's a good point.
That's no surprise, though.
If you talk to any young person, they will tell you that being a Christian or believing in God is now, there's a social stigma attached to it.
You go to universities.
Because you're raping children.
That's why.
And then covering it up.
That's why.
Well, you go to universities and professors are telling their students that people who believe in God are Christians are Republican.
That's right.
Exactly.
And they're the ones who don't believe in science, are destroying the planet.
They treat homosexuals as lesser beings.
That has an effect.
All of this misinformation has an effect on kids.
Misinformation.
First, I think it's information.
That's called accurate information.
Let's hear her litany again of stuff that they and colleges that they tell kids about the religious.
That's right.
Exactly.
And they're the ones who don't believe in science.
Okay, they don't believe in science.
They don't believe.
They don't believe in evolution.
They don't believe in evolution and they don't believe in the science of climate change.
Those are the two big scientific issues of our day and they don't believe in them.
Are destroying the planet?
They are destroying the planet.
They're against environmental laws.
They want more drill baby drills.
They're a solution to everything.
They don't care about, they don't want carbon taxes.
They don't want cap and trade.
They don't want anything that helps the environment.
What are you talking about?
Okay, Ready?
They treat homosexuals as lesser beings.
They treat homosexuals as lesser beings.
They don't want them allowed to be being married.
These are all three things that are accurate.
And she's saying these are phony reasons why people, young people, turn against Republicans.
That's exactly why they do, because those things are all true.
I feel like I'm trying to convince you guys who are already convinced.
You sold us.
Yeah, okay.
You guys are.
She's telling them that the media is teaching kids who've been molested by priests that kids are being molested by priests.
Those kids need to be taken to the Intelligent Design Museum and theme park.
Yes.
You know, it's amazing, though, that these right-wingers who claim that public school teachers are horrible human beings, incapable of teaching kids anything, yet at the same time, they're experts at liberal indoctrination.
They can get them.
Oh, that's like a snap.
They can do that, but they can't teach them math.
The vision and in films such as Juno or Saved, Every time there is a religious character, they're always the idiot.
They're always the uncle ones.
First of all, it's not that you don't have to worry about the Christians looking like idiots in movies, okay?
It's in real life.
Juno was, I thought pro-life people like Juno.
She doesn't get an asylum.
She goes to an abortion clinic.
She decides not to have one.
She has the baby.
She puts it up for adoption.
But even that isn't good enough for them.
It's a pro-idiote.
Even people on the right have Schotten Freud toward Diana Blokoti.
It's weird.
Yeah, but she's really bored while she's doing it.
I think that's what they're arguing.
Oh, this pregnancy is so boring.
Why don't they point out that a teenager in a rural town would not make a soupy sales reference?
She did.
She did?
Yes, she did, which made me like the movie, actually.
One of the things I think we're seeing more kids go to college.
We have so much information out there.
And I think, Bill, it's more accepted and less taboo nowadays to question the existence of God and to have such questions.
And there's so many sources and resources, not only online, but in books, et cetera.
So I think I even know for myself, I've read a lot of these things that I wouldn't even, and asked a lot of questions I wouldn't dare do in college and wouldn't have dared spoken to my parents.
I don't understand.
I was in college and I asked questions all the time in my theology courses and challenge the prevailing wisdom.
Oh, yes.
Question he was asking in college was, hey, honey, why don't you drink the rest of this Boon's Farm wine?
There's a big question.
Does this have to be on the test?
Yeah, highly opposes any kind of wisdom.
Bill challenging his professor is more like, this class was supposed to be over four minutes ago.
It comes down to a belief system.
You're not going to prove or disprove any kind of a deity situation in a classroom or on a program.
So if you can't disprove the existence of God in a classroom, then what the hell is Bill O'Reilly worried about?
That's the obvious question.
Am I wrong?
Well, you know, Jimmy, you know, frequently, you know, when I teach high school and every day when we start class, my students, we usually sit down, bow our heads, and we pray to God and we ask for guidance to question the higher power and if he really exists.
Amen.
Okay.
That's, you know, that's exactly what they think you're doing.
That's exactly what they think you're doing.
Honest to God.
They think you're doing that.
And let me just say, if people's religious faith is hanging by a thread anyway, don't blame the atheists for making them doubt it.
You know what?
If people want to have a religious faith, and this isn't even a joke because it's from personal experience, if you want to have a spiritual faith, become an alcoholic and then go to a 12-step program because then you'll believe in a higher power.
Okay.
I have one more.
It seems like a long way to go to believe in a higher power.
It really, really does.
I have one more clip there.
Anything better than going to Catholic church.
And it is apparent that younger Americans, Michelle, are going away from the belief system as this is exactly what happened in Europe.
Exactly what happened.
Little by little, they started to go away.
And now, even in countries like Italy and France, which used to be very religious countries, there's not anymore.
And I think that...
Yeah, I mean, Italy, the Vatican is now just in a room in the back of some guy's apartment.
I do long for the old religious days of fascism.
It might happen in America.
Well, yeah, and we have all of these famous atheists such as Dawkins that now have books that are aimed at children.
No, you did.
No, first of all, no, you didn't, Bill.
Second of all, tides go in, tides go out.
That's Bill's version of kicking a guy.
He said something that half the world made fun of.
That's his version of kicking a guy's ass.
If you want kids to believe in God, maybe you start sending them off to go to war because they can't pay for college.
Right.
All right, Leslie, I'm giving you the last word.
You're not a pagan, are you, Leslie?
Okay, now, so he turns to who's supposed to this woman is supposed to be the quote-unquote liberal on his panel.
And he asks, Now, you're not a pagan, are you?
And here's what she says.
No, I believe in God.
Just doing this bill, what the human body has to do.
She's moving her pinky.
She's moving her pinky up and down, and she says, Just doing this bill with the human body.
In order for that to happen, it's pretty miraculous.
In order for that to happen, it's pretty miraculous.
So she's saying, This is how I prove there's a God because I can move my finger, and it's really complicated to have this happen.
I can prove there's a God if you pull my finger.
And so that's what she's saying, because it's so complex.
That's hard.
You know what?
You know what else is complex?
Evolution.
Evolution's pretty complex.
Okay, Bill O'Reilly actually called in.
He's a little upset about this, and this is what he had to say.
Hello, Jimmy Doer here.
And yes, I'm satisfied with my long distance carrier.
Jimmy answer the phone for free, Christ.
Public schools are ignoring God.
I'm here, Bill, and who cares?
That's what public schools are supposed to do.
You're not a pagan, are you, Jimmy?
You don't believe in all this weird, wicked bull about dead people rising from a grave and burning incense while some lollipop dressed in silk robes goes around slaphammering young boys too of course not bill oh my god i just described the catholic church how ironic hoisted by my own pecan bill you mean petard not picard are you accusing me of being drunk jean luc because
Because according to Starfleet, General Order No.
1, that is not within the scope of the prime directive.
Bill, even if I did believe in God, it's not the job of public schools to spread religion.
God is real, Jew boy.
For example, I am a miracle.
You follow me?
My hairline.
My huge protruding forehead.
The way my face lights up like a baboon's ass whenever I'm upset or sexually loud.
These are all miracles.
Proof of God, Jesus Christ, our Lord.
And someday, after my work is done here on Earth, God will call me and I shall sit at the throne of Jebus and his pet mongoose.
In the meantime, Satan will be juggling your mom's fun bags over a fire pit of burying neemers.
You can't prove there's a God, Bill, and you know it.
Oh, he's more proof.
Just doing this with my finger.
What's the human body has to do in order to make my finger do this?
It's pretty miraculous, right?
If there's no God, how do you explain the miracle of what I'm doing with my finger right now?
Okay, Bill, I'll bite.
What are you doing with your finger right now?
I'm flipping you the bird, Jimmy.
Flipping the bird.
You pagan nitty funs.
Why don't you go fill your manure with worm dust, you tree-hugging froofy-froof?
Oof.
Oof.
All right, calm down, Bill.
Oof.
What's, Bill, what's really bugging you?
I'll tell you what's bugging me.
I'm sick of all the whining, Joe Buck.
I'm lonesome.
I'm lonesome, so I'm a drunk.
I'm lonesome, so I'm a dope feet.
I'm lonesome, so I'm a thief.
A fornicare.
A whoremonger.
Poop, I say.
Poop.
I've heard it all.
I'm sick of it.
Sick to death.
Yeah, I can see that.
You got a good strong back, boy.
You'll need it.
You and me are going to have fun, damn it.
Pray with me.
Say, hey, why don't we get right down on the knees now?
Get down where?
Right here, Joe Buck.
I pray in the saloons.
I pray in the street.
I pray in the toilet.
You don't care where, Joe.
What he wants is that prayer.
It's going to be like money from home, Joe Buck.
Money from home.
Bill, you're completely smashed again.
I prefer to call it getting closer to God.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
I feel another prayer coming.
Please, God, don't let me throw up again.
It's a waste of Jack Daniels.
Oh!
Sheffitt Smith.
Okay, that was the inimitable Mike McRae performing Drunk Bill O'Reilly as written by Jim Earle.
Another great job.
Guess what it's time for, ladies and gentlemen?
Yes!
It's time for Rip Torn's Hollywood Drunk Tank with Rip Torn.
Talking about Hollywood's Drunk Tank.
I know what's up.
Gather around, Ripsters.
Daddy's drunk and ready to dish.
So let's get right to it.
Adam Carolla is in the hot seat because he told the New York Post that women aren't funny.
And just like when Jerry Lewis said it at the Montreal Comedy Festival and when Christopher Hitchens wrote it in Prickly Limey Magazine, women are going fucking bananas.
Now, anyone with a brain and a sense of humor knows that the ladies are just as comedically well-endowed as the fellas.
To this day, the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life was Kitty Carlisle's version of the Aristocrats after about three Canadian clubs.
Who told her about dump trucking anyway?
I'm going to guess it was Alan Jones.
At any rate, whenever the old women aren't funny trope gets re-released like a s*** Disney movie, the problem is that the pushback is usually led by unfunny women.
Ha, ha.
chelsea handler and salon.com's mary elizabeth williams need the charge that's like if the anti-defamation league spokesperson were eddie deason all i'm saying is ladies to make your point how about a little more kathleen madigan and maria bamford and a little less whitney cummings and whitney cummings remember that for next time when dane cook writes a book called women aren't funny
and i can prove it with my balls with the foreword by kid rock what do share the Beach Boys, and the Spice Girls all have in common?
They each have announced that there will be a musical based on their body of work.
What do they not have in common?
The Spice Girls do not have a body of work.
They know that a musical runs about 90 minutes, right?
They've got three goddamn songs that anyone would know.
The first hit, the second hit, and then the one where they're flying around in a spaceship like a bunch of unfunny space bitches.
Can you think of anything worse than sitting through a musical in which 90% of the music is comprised of Spice Girls' songs that you don't recognize?
When Hellraiser has a nightmare, it's that.
And who are the fucks clamoring for a Spice Girls musical in the first place?
Probably the same people who want a Chumbawumba one-man show.
Don't get me wrong, I like 90s nostalgia as much as the next man.
But someone needs to tell Broadway that even though it may not be stamped on the container, there are expiration dates for spices.
I'm looking at you, Sporty.
And finally, Charlie Sheen, in an interview with Good Morning America, proudly announced that he is drinking again.
That's how you do it, Carlos.
You get back on top and show the world your hard dick.
After a series of benders that made Jen Michael Vincent look like Terry Nation and cost him a leading role of a sitcom, he's back on top and well soft with the hitso anger management like nothing ever happened.
Heh heh heh.
Eh heh heh heh.
Heh heh heh heh heh.
Eh.
I'm still on probation.
And I admit a tad jealous.
There was a time when I thought I would inhabit the cultural space at Mr. Estevez so magisterially does.
But such is the pain of life.
Dionysus has chosen his instrument on earth.
And it is not I. No, in all his fermented wisdom, he chose a petulant, talentless spawn of show business privilege that left me, his most devoted acolyte, to do updates on the Jimmy Door show.
I may bitterly accept his judgment, but know also that he has given me a warmer calling.
So you also rans.
You has-beans.
All you precious slingers of gruesome Hollywood tales that cry a deep wanting, masked with bluff and bluster.
Even you drunken denizens of local community theater, I am your patron saint.
Take my hand.
The one not holding the fifth of Johnny Walker Black.
And I shall lead us all back to the garden where dreams once held us tight and sang us to sweet blackout.
Well, that's all the time we have for Rip Dorn's Hollywood sun tank.
Until next time, I'm Rip Tord, reminding you that celebrities, they're just like you, except drunk and fucking beautiful.
I know what's up.
Okay, don't forget, Saturday night, that's probably today.
If you're listening to it, on Saturday, June 30th, 8:30 p.m.
We'll see if you're left, right, and ridiculous at the Improv Lab that's in Hollywood on Melrose, one block west of Crescent Heights.
There's a link over at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
You click on that link.
It takes your right to tickets.
Tickets are only $10, and it's a hilarious show.
If you haven't seen it before, you should.
Okay, today's show was written by Frank Conniff, Robert Yasamura, Steve Rosenfield, Jim Earl, Steph Zamorano, and Mike McRae.
The voices today were done by Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcray.com.
Okay, want to thank Paul Gilmartin for sitting in, and that's it for today.
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