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June 23, 2012 - Jimmy Dore Show
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This week, Joe the Plumber, who's running for Congress in Northern Ohio, was criticized for posting a campaign video that blames the Armenian genocide and the Holocaust on gun control.
This seems strange, and not just because many gun enthusiasts seem to be all for things like the Armenian genocide and the Holocaust.
In the commercial, Joe is shooting at tomatoes while he explains that both the Turks and the Nazis' gun control laws were key to their success in committing those atrocities.
If only the Jews had been allowed to keep their handguns and escape into the wilderness, the war machine that invaded Russia, France, and Poland would have been helpless to stop them.
At the end of the commercial, Joe smiles and says, I love America.
Of course, this implies that his Democratic opponent, Marcy Kupter, is soft on tomatoes.
Joe the Plumber's support of gun ownership is expressed in a succinct message, not unlike the final statements of cult leaders just before the ATF sets their compound on fire.
Republicans love amateur politicians because somebody who doesn't know how to do a job is more likely to do nothing, which for them is a top priority.
It'll be easy to compare Joe the Plumber to Sarah Palin, but at least he wants a job.
But don't hire him to snake out your toilet.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
Up-minded, lowly-lovered lefties.
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you, T-Value.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's episode.
I am joined in studio for a former writer for The Daily Show, hilarious comedian.
It's Steve Rosenfield.
Hey, Steve, how are you?
Good, Jimmy.
How are you today?
Good.
Good to see you through the glass again.
Very nice to be here.
To his right, host of the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast, chosen one of the top 10 podcasts of 2011 by The Onion.
It's Paul Gigley Martin.
Hi, Paul.
How are you?
Jimmy.
Good to see you.
Good to see you.
Okay, nicely got something in your tummy.
You ready for a show?
Yeah.
Okay.
And next to him, former writer for the Daily Show, hilarious comedian, author of the book Morning Remembrances, it's Jim Earle.
Hi, Jim.
How are you, buddy?
Can you reintroduce me as Ham Radio's Jim Earl?
It's Ham Radio's Jim Earl.
Thank you.
And next to him from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and cinematictitanic.com, it's TV's Frank Frank Conniff.
It's Radio's Ham.
Hi, Coniff.
You know what?
Let's do some jokes before we get into the show.
Did you see Microsoft?
Big announcement this week.
They announced the launch of the Surface tablet, right?
Have you heard about that?
And the execs from Microsoft say to truly appreciate their new surface tablet.
It's best to view photos of it on a new iPad.
That's a joke.
What are they calling their new tablet?
Almost Apple?
Kind of like Apple, right?
They're rolling it five years too late, I think.
I think so.
Oh, that's a better joke.
Look at that.
I wish I'd thought of that earlier.
Microsoft, we can back up the tape, I think.
Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum, you know, they're buddy-buddy now.
Rick Santorum is endorsing.
I know that is.
And they're putting their differences aside because they realize that the best way to hurt the gay community is to be gay for each other.
Joe Arpaio, sheriff in Arizona, Joe Arpaio, this past week arrested a six-year-old girl, six-year-old girl who tried to jump the fence he built to shield himself from any form of humanity.
Michigan State Representative Lisa Brown, she was censored on the state floor in the capital of the state house in Michigan because she said the word vagina.
Yeah, she's not allowed to say the word vagina on the House floor, yet male legislators are still allowed to be dicks.
What's coming up on today's show?
We're going to talk about the guy from Bravo.
You know, the guy who hosts the show.
Well, he's gay, but he's not political.
I don't know how you do that, but he did it.
We're going to talk about him.
Plus, the stop and frisk law in New York City is causing a lot of problems, not for white people.
And then we're going to talk about the drone killings, which is kind of cool.
And Ron Paul was asked if he gets a social security check.
He was asked this morning on Morning Joe.
We're going to talk about that, if he could collect his Social Security check.
Plus, Chris Matthews, you know, my favorite newsman, journalist over at MSNBC.
Well, he's going to tell us why he didn't crack the pedophilia scandal inside the Catholic Church.
I know what you're guessing, Riley, because he's a horrible newsman who always gets deference to power, but that's not it.
Oh, that was my guess.
That's not it.
No.
So that's coming up.
Plus phone calls from Ron Paul, Mitt Romney, and even a couple more.
Oh, Bill O'Reilly calls in drunk.
I got that on my answering machine.
Yeah, that's today on the Jimmy Door check.
Time for another installment of Oh My God.
Okay, this week's Oh My God episode.
I don't know if you've heard of Elaine Donnelly.
She's from the Center for Military Readiness.
I didn't even know there was a center like that, but there is.
There's a center for military readiness.
Isn't that called the military?
That's what I thought.
I have tried to surprise attack them so many times unsuccessfully.
You mean the military readiness, the center for military readiness?
Yes.
That is, I gotta say, well, it is ironic that we have one of those things, and yet the Pentagon still got attacked successfully, isn't it?
So anyway, she warned us about what would happen if they let gays into the military.
And last week, Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta, he announced that he was going to be having a gay orgy.
Don't tell.
It's like a gay appreciation kind of a ceremony or something like that.
Yeah, gay orgy.
Yeah.
I don't know what you would call it exactly.
I don't know what you would call it exactly, but she's upset about it over there at the Center for Military Readiness.
Leon Panetta celebrating in so-called Gay Pride Month, that which makes up less than 3%.
To the best of my knowledge, and you and I have been friends for years.
I've never heard of a heterosexual month, and they make up 97% of the military.
Right.
And what happened to the notion that, well, we just want to serve in the military.
We just want to be quiet and modest and discreet, just like everyone else.
What happened to that?
Yeah, shut up.
What's with the gays all of a sudden?
Shut up.
I love that whole thing, that canard of, we've never had a heterosexual month.
Hey, that's because every month there's heterosexual.
Yeah, when are the heterosexuals going to get a holiday that they can celebrate?
Like a white people's history month.
How come we don't get a parade?
All those things I've heard come out of people's mouth from my old neighborhood.
Yes.
How come we can't have a white Miss America?
Why did I have to have a Miss Paradise?
why not white history month?
You grew up near Skokie, right?
So they did have a white parade there.
I grew up on the other side of the city, but um, all right, there's more of this.
Well, of course, that was all phony because the uh uh the LGBT activist groups know exactly how to intimidate other people, uh, make other people feel they are not welcome, their views are not welcome.
You know, if there's anybody who knows how to make people feel uncomfortable, it's gay people.
They're using their power of their minority status to make the majority feel uncomfortable around them, especially military people.
You know how they can't handle off.
They're skittish.
I hate military people.
The subtle insinuations that I'm straight that they always make.
It's so belittling, and it just bugs me.
I hate their sarcasm, too.
Name-calling occurs quite a bit.
Name-calling.
Hey, straighty.
Hey, majority person.
Hey, person who's like most other people who aren't like me.
They don't like nasty comments by gay people.
What are they?
Opera singers?
What does that mean?
What nasty?
Here we go.
That's pretty much part of the pattern.
And it's one of the reasons why the 1993 law regarding gays in the military should have been retained.
Okay, so there we go.
That is Elaine Donnelly at the Center for Military Readiness.
She's upset with gay people making the straits in the military feel ostracized.
Who's going to do her hair now?
I understand.
I can almost hear her unsatisfied home life in her voice.
I can hear it.
This has been, oh my God.
Oh, my God.
The Jimmy Dora show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Okay, I just wanted to, let's move on.
I wanted to talk about, there's a stopwatch.
Now, they have a stop and frisk policy in New York City.
Now, what that means is that they get to totally violate your constitutional rights.
The cops do if you're black or Hispanic.
And Jimmy, what do you mean, black or Hispanic?
Okay.
So here's, I'll give you the statistics, all right?
So they have this policy where if the cops see you and they think that you're up to no good, they'll just stop you and frisk you and go through your pockets.
And it turns out that they're not doing this fairly, which is a shocker, you know, when you think of New York police cops, you know, pepper spraying women and old ladies and pregnant people.
I always think when I think New York cop, I think somebody who's really about civil rights.
So the New York City police have stopped and frisked 685,000 people last year.
Are you kidding me?
685,000 people were stopped and frisked.
685,000 people were stopped.
That's the ones that they're reporting.
It's a bad day in New York.
What percentage of those people would you say were black or Latino?
I'm going to say precisely a large percentage.
I'm going to say 82%.
Most of them.
I'm going to take the devil's advocate on this and say 1%.
I'm going to challenge you, Dora.
Okay, so the amount of black and Latinos made up 87% of the people who are stopped and frisked.
That's almost 9 out of 10.
Well, at least they're finally winning at something.
It's like a B plus, isn't it?
Nine out of 10 people who are stopped and frisked in New York City are black or Latino.
Now, I'm not a math surgeon, but isn't that a high number?
Doesn't that, and do you know how many people, how many, what percentage of people are innocent who are stopped and frisked?
I'm going to say 80%.
90%.
So nine out of the 10 people that they're stopping and frisking happen to be blacks or Latino and happen to be completely innocent.
Well, at last they're getting special treatment.
Can they stop complaining already?
Haven't we given them enough?
New York City, they're stopping frisking over a half a million people.
90% of them are black or Latino.
Almost three-quarters of a million people.
Yeah, the KKK doesn't put up numbers like that.
I would love to be stopped and frisk.
I'm a very comfortable.
Well, here's so people.
So is this so Bill O'Reilly was talking about this, and here's what he had to say.
Ben, this is about racism.
This is a racial story, not a drug story.
So he says right away, this is not a drug story.
This is a racial story.
Oh, he believes that.
He's saying that.
Wow.
Yeah, so I'll play it again.
I know it's kind of stunning to hear him say that, right?
Ben, this is about racism.
This is about racism, says Bill O'Reilly.
A racial story, not a drug story.
Here in the city, we have stop and frisk policy, which has brought crime way down in New York.
Way down, okay?
And what that is, is the cops know who the wise guys are.
They know who the dealers are.
They know who the punks are, and they know who the muggers are.
And they just happen to be the blacks and Latinos.
That's who they are.
So what Bill is saying, so, okay, it's about racism, but racism is okay if it reduces crime, right?
That's what he's saying.
No, there's good racism.
There's good racism, what he's saying.
90% of the people stopped and frisked are innocent of any crime, but let's at least give the police credit for letting all those people go.
Yeah, I guess.
That's a very solid standard of the law.
Yeah, they know who the bad guys are.
The cops.
They know.
Yeah, they know.
They'll say that.
Do they say that in court now?
Oh, he knew who he knew who he was.
Business is booming.
Why do you got to pick on the fact that Hitler's in charge?
Guys are.
They know who the dealers are.
They know who the punks are, and they know who the muggers are.
And they try to get these guys on anything.
It's like getting Al Capone on tax evasion instead of murder.
All right.
So they know these guys carry pot and other drugs, and they stop and they frisk and they find them and they send them into the system.
That's what drives crime down.
Get them off the street.
The left hates that.
Hates it because it is racial profiling, but it's really criminal profiling.
However, there are a number of people.
But it is racial profile.
But it is racial.
That's like double racism, what he said right there.
Yes, he's like, yeah, because he's saying, I admit it's racism, but it brings on crime.
So who cares?
Was the scene, by the way, was the scene where Elliott Ness keeps stopping and frisking Al Capone cut out of that movie?
I don't remember that.
You know, okay, so maybe 87% of the people who are stopped and frisks are black and Latino.
But let's not forget the remaining 13% who were probably white and were getting hassled by blacks and Latino cops.
That's what I'm saying.
I probably butchered that joke somehow.
It wasn't bad.
Also, it really deters the young people on the street who are ticklish.
Okay, he's got a little bit more to say.
The left hates that.
Hates it because it is racial profiling.
Yeah, the left hates it because they hate racial profiling and violating the Constitution.
The right doesn't really care.
Is that what he's saying?
Yes, that's what he's saying.
It's putting up acceptable numbers for us.
I'm willing to sacrifice your civil rights if it makes it easier for me to get to the Lion King.
Yes.
It's your civil rights.
He's willing to sacrifice somebody else's civil rights.
Yes.
It's really criminal profiling.
However, there are a number of people who are stopped and frisked who don't have anything, and they get angry, and I understand that.
But it's a crime-fighting technique that they're now going to take away from the NYPD.
And mark my words: street crime in New York will go up because along with civil rights.
Sometimes witches will float, and sometimes they'll sink.
And I understand that can piss some people off.
And some innocent people will be hurt.
Sure, blacks and Latinos get upset when they're stopped and frisked and they're innocent, but they need to realize that we're afraid of all of them.
You know, this is we don't know which ones are bad.
We don't know.
You know, seriously, if they went down this road, they would end up having, they would absolutely end up having enhanced interrogation for people that they pulled in off the street.
Where did you get that crack?
Who's selling, you know?
Because since we, it was unthinkable a few years ago that we do that in the military, but we're doing it.
It's not unthinkable that if we kept going down this road, that that would happen.
Well, let me just say this, Sibyl O'Reilly.
Yes, the racist policy that you admit is racist and it's bothering other people.
So you're okay with it because it brings down crime because it doesn't violate your civil rights.
Guess what?
There's a pretty low crime rate in China, too, Bill.
And it's surprisingly easy to keep the crime rate low if you don't care about people's basic civil rights or whether they're guilty of a crime or not.
I wouldn't be surprised if the next thing Bill O'Reilly suggested is a re-education camp in Minnesota.
I mean, seriously, NYPD.
It's bad enough you get to stop and frisk people without probable cause, but you couldn't violate the Fourth Amendment without racial profiling.
It just makes me wonder if there's anything you guys can't do without racial profiling.
I bet your computer crimes unit looks for websites that feel a little bit too urban.
And by the way, Bill, it really doesn't matter that liberals don't like this policy.
What actually matters is that citizens of this country are being made to feel like victims of their own society.
When it comes to things like this, I'm going to be the first one to say it doesn't matter what me and my dope-smoking homosexual friends think.
Maybe you should ask the poor minorities who get disproportionately singled out and patted down what they think of this law.
Or I have a better idea.
How about we have the cops stop and frisk everyone outside the Fox News building for a couple of months, and then we'll see how you feel about it.
And by the way, I've heard him, like in the wake of 9-11, I heard him complain loudly about him being frisked going into the airport at the TCF.
Oh, he's upset about the TV.
He was upset.
He told a whole story about how they pulled him aside and they frisked, and he was really upset about it.
I think the racism underneath everything he's saying is this kind of inherent belief that minorities are this monolithic block where they're all aware of everything each of them is doing and they're all complicit in it.
So, yeah, you're going to get stopped, but your cousin is the guy that actually has the weapon on.
If they could just tell us who the bad ones are, we wouldn't bother the good ones.
I'm sitting in the studio with Steve Rosenfield, Paul Gilmartin, Jim Earl, Frank Conniff, and to my right, Steph Samurano from the hilarious podcast comedy and everything else.
Hey, Jimmy.
How are you doing, Steph?
Fabulous.
Okay.
And what?
Let's look.
You know what?
I wanted to move on because, well, you know, Bill O'Reilly did call me.
And we were just talking about the stop and frisk policy.
I hope he wasn't drinking.
It sounded like he was drinking a little.
Jimmy, Jimmy.
So let's, here it is.
Hello, Jimmy Dore here.
And yes, I'm satisfied with my cable service.
Never fails.
So I always get your machine.
Answer your phone, Jimmy Door.
Are you a Trader Joe's again?
They don't care about you, Jimmy, not like I do.
Bill, it's me, not my machine.
And by the way, I like Trader Joe's.
They got me in their salsa samples, Jimmy.
I don't want to hear it, Bill.
What do you want?
Hey, what's this I hear about you coming out for racial profiling?
You know better than that, Timmy.
I'm all against racism.
You get that, you boy?
I'm pro-inferiority.
Uh-huh, I got it.
On the other hand, we must not forget that racism is a crime-fighting technique.
So there you go.
Six or one, have a dozen of the other.
So you're against racism, but in favor of racial profiling?
Have you been drinking again, Bill?
Remember the last time you called?
You seem pretty hammered.
No, Jimmy.
No, no, no.
For the last five days, I've been hanging out in this bar.
I mean, a nice little marlin pop business called Pat O'Shays with my good friend Patrick O'Malley O'Shea Mac in America and Gallagher Electric Google.
That doesn't make all Irishmen drunk, does it?
Of course not.
Now, the women, sure, they're a bunch of Jim Guzzling wars.
Plus, they ain't funny.
I'll back Adam Corolla on that point.
You betcha.
Us guys gotta stick together.
We're brawlers.
Bill, I'm a little confused.
What's the story?
Are you for racial profiling or are you again it?
Of course I'm against it.
It's racist.
But I'm in favor of it in certain instances, like when racism moves.
What instances are you in favor of it?
I say leave it up to the cops, Jimmy.
They know who the wise guys are.
They know who the dealers are, who the punks are, who the muggers are.
You follow me?
Yeah, I guess.
Yeah, I guess.
Quit follow me or I'll have you arrested.
No, the vagrants, the almonds, the perks, the thieves, they know who the hooligans are, Jimmy.
The gangsters, crooks, robbers, racketeers, saboteurs, the so-and-so, the brigands, the desperados, the marauders, the hijackers, the hopheads, hooligans, highway persons, plunderers, pickpockets, pillagers, and pirates.
They know who the pirates are, Jimmy.
Jesus Christ, will you stop already?
What's your point?
MacDaddies, gutter punks, scumbags, mook-sucking garden garblers, salmon slappers.
What the hell is a salmon slapper, Bill?
Like, you don't know.
You glid-glogging gorgorps.
Glid-glogging glorglor.
You just made that one up, didn't you?
No, with it.
I'm choking them on vomit.
Glid-glogger and gorgon.
Where's my fucking candy?
*laughter*
Oh, that was a chunk.
Okay, Bill.
That's it, buddy.
I gotta go.
Trader Joe is not confronted, Jimmy.
They put on this team that's etching meatballs.
I don't want to hear it, Bill.
You're way over the top of cutting you off.
That was Bill O'Reilly, ladies and gentlemen, calling in to let us know.
Voiced by Mike McRae, written by Jim Earle.
Great job, fellas.
Hilarious.
Yeah, very funny.
You went over the top on that one, Jimmy.
I went a little over the top.
I apologize.
I switched roles there for a second.
Yeah, I know.
I started yelling at Bill and I cut his mic.
Yeah.
I didn't feel comfortable.
How does that work?
I don't understand.
I apologize, you guys, for sorry you had to see that side of me.
Oh, Jim, do you have a morning remembrance?
As a matter of fact, I do.
I'd love to hear it.
Now, this is from the book Morning Remembrance by Jim Earle, and Morning Remembrance is a book of fake obituaries of really dead people.
They're of real people, but they're obituaries I've rewritten.
Yeah, yes.
You put a little twist on them.
I put a little twist.
Yes.
Okay.
This one is of Henry Corden, voice of Fred Flintstone.
Henry Corden, who for almost 30 years was famous for voicing the character of Fred Flintstone with his iconic Yabba Dabba Doo, is now Yabba Dabba Dead.
LAUGHTER laughter laughter Ha ha ha ha.
Corden reportedly died of multiple puncture wounds after trying to use a porcupine as a hairbrush and shave himself with a clamshell full of bumblebees.
You know, in addition to the popular cartoon series, Corden also supplied his voice for a string of specials such as The Flintstones, New Neighbors, and Fred's Final Fling, and Fred and Barney get Gonorrh Stone.
That's an unknown one.
Rarely seen.
Corden requested his remains be interned inside the beak of a priceless pterodactyl skeleton.
That was that one.
Thank you for the applause.
This one, Phil Harris, captain of Deadliest Catch and advocate of the inverted food pyramid.
Phil Harris, captain, the deadliest catch and advocate of the inverted food pyramid.
That's right.
Phil Harris, captain of the Cornelia Marie, one of the crab fishing boats on the fantasy series Deadliest Catch, is now riding a rogue wave to the vast dead sea.
Witnesses say the hard-living, high-caloric sea captain suffered a massive stroke in port while attempting to offload three tons of Philadelphia cheesesteaks from his lower intestine.
News came as a shock to viewers, but not to friends who knew his favorite meal was often cold coffee grounds mixed with congealed bacon fat and Xanax.
He had a bad diet is the kind of string of jokes that are going along here.
The Krusty Seafarer rose through the ranks of fishermen quickly, and by the time he was 20, became one of the youngest captains ever to have a 70-year-old body.
Despite desperate pleading from family and friends, the cantankerous Harris never changed his diet.
And when the coroner split open his stomach, he found two half-digested sharks, a gallon of brake fluid, a metal folding chair.
Remember, people, it drains to the sea.
That's what I'm saying here.
You know, riding high on his popularity in 2008, Harris developed a line of coffees called Captain's Reserve with blends named after fishing themes like Midnight Sunrise Blend, Starboard Dolphin Blend, and I haven't seen a real woman in eight months, so excuse my raging boner blend.
And seriously, get out of my way.
I have a raging hard-on, and you're the only warm thing in this captain.
I don't care if you are my best friend's son who was entrusted to me for training on the high seas.
Stop looking at me like that.
No, no one has to find out.
And what if they did?
Do they know the pain, the lonely months I spend out here hoping for the gentle touch of a reassuring hand?
You don't have to tell me.
I know what the others are saying behind my back.
They're all disloyal.
I tried to run the ship properly by the book, but they fought me at every turn, scoffing at me and spreading the wild rumors about steaming in circles.
And then I was the blame for Lieutenant Merrick's incompetence and poor seamanship.
They laughed at me and made jokes, but I proved beyond a shadow of a doubt and with geometric logic that it's possible to sew a dead dog's head onto a mackerel and sell it to children.
Blend.
Harris requested his remains be crammed inside a turkey, deep-fried in chicken fat and pickled inside a giant mason jar of Red Ball.
Great job, Jim Earle.
Morning remembrances.
Very nice.
Saturday, June 30th.
That's right.
The last Saturday of June, June 30th, is the next Left, Bright, and Ridiculous at the Improv Lab.
That's right.
It's in Hollywood on Melrose, one block west of Crescent Heights.
If you haven't seen the show, it's been called the funniest show in the world ever.
And it is.
And it's a raucous blend of sketch, stand-up, and we play video clips of people saying some of the dumbest shit you've ever heard with a celebrity panel.
That always includes a couple of surprises we always have for Mystery Science Theater TV's Frank Conniff.
We're going to have David Feldman, the three-time Emmy Award-winning writer.
And we'll see who else shows up.
We don't know yet.
It's okay.
Paul Gilmartin will be there doing his jackass Republican character.
So that's Saturday, June 30th, 8.30 p.m.
Tickets are $10.
Is that a deal?
That is a deal.
Tickets are $10.
And you can get, there's a link right at the website, JimmyDoorComedy.com.
So go over there, get your ticket, and I'll see you at the Improv Lab Saturday, 8.30 p.m. on Melrose West of Crescent Heights.
Okay, and you know that this show is made possible by the generous donations of our listeners.
You go over to Jimmy Door to comedy.com, you click on donate, you become a great person.
Plus, we have a promotion that we're running this week.
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Hi, welcome back to the Jimmy Dorse Show.
I am joined in studio for by former writer for the Daily Show.
It's Steve Rosenfield, the host of the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast.
It's Paul Gilmartin, former writer for the Daily Show, hilarious commuter and commuter and writer and writerer and commuter of the Booker Morning Remembrances.
Jim Earl is here next to him from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and cinematictitanic.com.
It's Frank Conniff.
Frank has his new video series.
Frank, what are you calling that new video series you're doing?
I'm calling it Frank Conniff's YouTube channel.
Oh, I like it.
Frank Conniff's got the new YouTube.
You put up a new video every day.
Not every day.
Most days.
Of most days of you saying stuff.
Right?
You say stuff.
I say stuff into the camera, and they can do that now.
I don't know if you knew that.
You can make videos on your.
Where do you get the videos developed, Frank?
You idiot.
What's this now?
Bill Martin?
Yeah, you don't have to take him down to the lab.
No, they just do it right for you.
So the video lab comes to you.
No, there's a guy in your camera.
I take it to the photo booth and he faxes it back to me.
Facts.
But then he reports you to the cops because you got some very iffy stuff in there.
I know, I know.
Did ever happen in the old days?
You know, you got some question marks back on the negative saying, hey, guys, this isn't right.
Hey, let's, I don't, I know what you're talking about, Jim.
I'm the only one?
Fine, great.
I do.
I said, I know what you're talking about.
Oh, okay.
So I don't know if you know, but we're getting away.
We're doing drone strikes in other countries, sovereign nations.
We're sending little planes in there, and then they drop bombs and kill people inside of other people's countries, and they do that without a trial.
And now we've been actually even killing American citizens.
We're doing that without a trial.
So, and people, and now the drone strike, is that where you hit somebody with a sitar?
No.
Okay, I got to read that.
That's much worse than what they're doing.
No, than the drum solo.
It's inhumane, but not that inhumane.
Okay.
Yes.
So we throw Ravi Shankar at you.
So they're using these with, and Barack Obama, of course, has ramped it up way worse than the Bush administration.
And I always thought that attacking people in other countries was an act of war.
I guess it's not anymore.
Only in our country.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
So if somebody attacks us, it's okay.
If you're attacking your own citizens in another country, though, that's a technicality you can get off of.
Yeah, and they're— We—I— We were attacked on our shores.
Innocent people died.
Oh, wait a minute.
We're still attacking Japanese in other countries, aren't we?
I think so.
I think we are.
I saw it on Gilligan's Island.
Okay, so anyway, so I was sitting at home and I'm watching MSNBC, and every once in a while they come in and they have these news.
It's news break, right?
So we're going to let you know in the middle of a news show, here's what's happening.
Here's the news.
And so they did.
So let's just listen to it, and we'll talk about it on the other side.
The White House says the death of Al-Qaeda's second-in-command is a major blow to the terror network.
Pakistani security sources say Abu Yahya Alibi died in a U.S. drone strike.
He was mistakenly reported killed back in 2009.
That's it.
He was mistakenly, we thought we already got him, but this time we know we got him for, yeah, U.S. officials aren't sure who else may have been killed in that drone strike.
And frankly, they don't give a shit.
Yeah, that's really the bottom line.
Yes, bottom line.
But I just thought it was kind of funny that, did you catch what you said at the end?
The guy that we said we killed before, well, turns out we didn't kill him, but now we just killed him for reels this time.
You can trust us this time.
Why should we trust you this time?
You already told us once that you killed him and you didn't.
Second note, that was a terrible Rolling Stones album.
Get your Abu Yah's out.
Hey, I like that album.
I don't know.
Terrible recording quality.
You know what?
Sure, randomly killing terrorists may be illegal, but think of all the time and money we're saving not trying to capture them.
It's expensive.
It is expensive, right?
And the White House claims that Al-Qaeda is in organizational chaos now because nobody wants a promotion.
Thanks anyway, boss.
I like it in middle management.
Does the drone thing bother you, Paul, at all?
Yeah, it does.
It does.
I know that there are like I didn't have a problem with Bin Laden being taken out, but I feel like there are way too many collateral casualties in the drunk strikes.
It's just, it seems like once a month you're hearing about a wedding party being blown apart.
I just don't.
Well, I don't understand why everybody goes nuts when Syria kills 42 kids in Syria when, you know, during.
Well, they're trying to kill the civilians in Syria.
We're not trying to kill the civilians.
We just don't care.
So, yes, so we don't.
So not caring isn't as bad as the ones who they wanted to, the civilians they wanted to kill are dead in a worse way than the ones that are dead by accident is their logic, I think.
Well, and they said Ali Al-Libby, they thought they killed him back in 2009.
They didn't.
And some people thought it was premature for his colleagues to give him the nickname Lucky.
Did not pan out.
not pan out.
When you when you kill Libby, Libby, Libby and country, country, country Like a 70s commercial for Libby's.
And they said, but they had a video, and they're showing a video of this guy walking around on MSNBC.
And I don't know if the video, how recent it is, Al Libby says he just saw the hangover.
So suspicious.
Very, very suspicious.
He might have seen it on cable.
And the drone attacks are making our relationship with Pakistan so ugly that by now it's just for the money.
There's no love left.
They're just taking our money.
I'll take that joke out in post.
And it is disturbing to think that President Obama has a list of Americans he'd like to kill that doesn't include Clarence Thomas.
And the Republicans refuse to give Obama credit even when he acts just like one of them.
That's not fair.
And you know what?
He is one of them.
I mean, he's just a little, he's just a good one of them, right?
He's like the best bad Republican that there is.
That'd be Barack Obama.
Obama is saying to the Republicans, I'm not apologizing for America.
I'm doing things that are reasons that I should apologize for America.
Right.
But I'm not apologizing.
Well, we're going to be really frightened because we're going to start using drones here in this country and doing the taking out criminals, so they say.
Are we?
Yeah, we have drones.
We test the drones in America.
We fly them around here, but I don't think we're allowed to use them yet officially over cities.
No, no.
They will.
No, no, they're allowed to use them.
Really?
But not the federal government.
So what they're doing is they're sending drones to local governments.
So local governments can use drones, but the federal government can't.
The military can't use drones inside the United States.
And they're thinking of charging them $25 per bomb when they check in.
Come on, it's a check-in airline joke.
Oh, I didn't follow that.
I didn't follow either.
Thank you, Frank.
Thank you for nothing.
I liked it because I was trying to come up with one like that myself.
Okay, so Chris Matthews.
You know, I love Chris Matthews because, you know, he was a born bootlicker with a knee-jerk deference to power.
And he can never ask a tough question of anyone in power if it's going to might hurt his career.
So he never, here's, so he's a Catholic.
He always has these Catholic guys come on all the time on his show, and he never asks them a tough question.
In fact, he'll go, he's our scholar.
He's our Catholic scholar.
You've heard me play those clips on the show before where he refers to people.
That's our Catholic scholar.
And he never calls BS on these guys, right?
So, and here's, and, you know, he never called B.S. like, I've said this before.
I'll say it again.
When I started stand-up comedy, which I started, and I don't want to say back in 1989, was my first open mic.
I was four.
And that very night, there were comedians on stage at my first open mic in Chicago.
There were comedians making pedophile jokes about priests.
So anybody who says, then it took about, I don't know, 15 more years for the story to break nationally, right?
And what it took was some people civilly civil and going to civil court and suing.
And that's what, and then they got these big awards, and all of a sudden the press was like, hey, maybe we should report this.
Maybe we should talk about how the priests are raping kids and then they're covering it up.
Not one journalist seemed to be able to make that connection or want to report it.
And even if there were journalists who wanted to report it, it didn't get reported.
They got edited out of their newscasts or newspapers or whatever they were doing.
Here's Chris Matthews.
Now, he had a show.
He's had a show for a long time.
He's been a journalist for a long time.
And here's what he says: why he missed the story of Catholic pedophilia.
And this is all in the light of the Jerry Sandusky trial because he's saying, well, this is a good thing that they're having this Jerry Sandusky trial, he says, because they're using the real words now.
They're not just saying molest.
What does that mean?
He says.
Now they're talking about what he did.
He heard bodies slapping together.
And so he's saying that this is a good thing that we're no longer whitewashing it.
And well, here, I'll just play the clip and we'll talk.
Here we go.
Journalism has to be respectful.
I understand that.
But for years, these cases of adult sexual abuse of children have been soft-pedaled in the media.
We've gotten used to words like molested without any idea what's being described.
There's been too much avoidance of what should have been described clearly.
The result has been an unintentional downplaying of the charges.
Perhaps, just perhaps, this has helped the perpetrators and those covering up for them escaped the full public outrage and with it rebuke that finally occurred but didn't for so long in such cases.
I'm referring to my church here.
Like so many millions of others, I never got the picture in the early going.
I never understood what was going on in these cases of priests abusing older boys.
Never could get my thinking around it properly because of the hesitant manner in which the cases and allegations were reported.
Okay, so gets it's not his media's fault for not using the words that were act that would actually trigger his brain to question authority.
Unbelievable.
That's Chris Matthews.
That's unbelievable.
So this kid is saying he was molested.
What does that mean?
What does it mean?
Who knows what that could possibly mean?
And Matthews feels the time is right to stand up and say this because as usual, he's 10 years too late.
Perfect timing.
Yes, because when it comes to righteous indignation, nobody can fake it like Crick Matthews can.
He's annoyed.
And Chris Matthews.
Not only both those guys.
Crick Matthews is actually a good country singer.
Watching it, Crick Matthews.
That was a terrible duo, though.
What word would have been better?
Bone?
I don't know.
I don't know what would have been better.
Yeah, and just the idea that, oh, I was a Catholic, you know, and like you said, and I remember being aware of pedophilia in the Catholic for decades ago.
You know, it's not, it just became, there were cases, but it was something that was known.
And the idea that like in 1985 or whatever, Chris Matthews was naive about it.
Oh, there's reports of abuse.
I can't wrap my head around it.
I can't wrap my head around that there's priest rapists, you know, because they're not using the right euphemism.
They're saying stuff like molested and abused and tons of priests raping boys.
I guess that didn't sink in when he heard tons of priest rape.
What does that mean, tons codes?
It's coded speech.
Priest raping boys.
I can't unpack that in my mind.
I can't wrap my head around this molesting, priest, raping boys thing.
What does that mean?
Are they going for ice cream?
What does that mean exactly?
And I can totally picture Chris Matthews back then going, well, that priest seems a little weird with kids, but he's being transferred to another parish.
So you don't have to worry about him.
They've taken care of that problem.
The media should have let the public know whether it was good molesting or bad molesting.
Yes, I'm with you.
You know, early on, Chris Matthews, you know, early on, he never understood what was going on with the priests molesting altar boys because the church kept denying it.
And why would they lie about something like that?
What would they have to lose?
That's what I think.
And how could you possibly conceive that an institution of celibate men dressed in weird costumes would be into anything crazy like that?
It's because they use the wrong words.
You know, Matthews would have had a much clearer picture of sexual abuse that was going on if he'd only had a dictionary.
And I would say about the Catholic Church, they've used the wrong word.
They've used the word religion.
I think cult is more appropriate.
And then maybe if we start calling it a cult, maybe people can wrap their heads around the fact that it's just, that it, you know, it does do good charity things and stuff, but a lot of it institutionally is really completely crazy, as crazy as any other Scientology or any cult that you could.
Any cult that you could ever think of.
It goes all the way to the top, too, by the way.
Blue Oyster cult?
No, not as crazy as them, but.
I just, it's funny, you know, all those years, Chris Matthews just couldn't get the truth out of those priests and church officials because they were being interviewed by Chris Matthews.
You know what?
Mitt Romney actually gave me a phone call.
Let's hear from Mitt Romney.
Joining us once again is presidential candidate Mitt Romney.
Governor, welcome.
Jimmy, I wanted to talk to you about this sneaky new immigration policy that President Obama just enacted.
Sneaky?
Yes.
He did it without consulting Republicans in Congress.
He went behind the facts of the people that were trying to stab him in the back.
Bipartisanship.
Mike took us.
But Mitt, Obama already tried to pass a bipartisan dream act, but congressional Republicans filibustered it.
You know that.
Jimmy, government should not get involved with dream girls.
Not that Jennifer Hudson wasn't sensational when she sang, and I'm telling you I'm not going.
Not Dream Girls, Mitt, the Dream Act.
Well, hey, my love of Dream Girls took you by surprise, didn't it, Jimmy?
Yeah.
But what you may not know is that thanks to the bylaws that my church passed in the 70s, I am totally allowed to listen to colored women now.
Governor, I think you're trying to avoid the issue.
Where exactly do you stand on immigration policy?
My position has stayed consistently the same.
I very consistently never told anyone what my true position is.
So when it comes to not sitting a consistent position, no one has been more consistent than I have.
Governor, are you aware that you can't win the election without the Hispanic vote?
Yeah, and that is why I'm appealing to Hispanics by focusing on building a strong economy.
And how do you propose to build a strong economy, Governor?
By supporting all the Hispanics.
Hispanics will love that because economic issues are very important to them.
Governor, you know that doesn't make any sense, right?
Yeah, so what?
I haven't understood a single word I've said since 1973.
Well, Mitt Romney, I'd like to thank you for joining us.
Thank you, Jimmy.
And I look forward to seeing you on Coonan next week.
I'm not scheduled for Conan next week.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I guess I'm thinking of John Doerr.
Oh, that's right.
It's my five sons who are getting the shot on Coleman that you've never had.
Ha ha.
In your face, Joe Door.
Okay, well, good night, Governor.
Oh, you take care, Jimmy.
Oh, and while I have you on the phone, hey, Jimmy, why don't you go get fist fucked by an angry gorilla over and over again until your own filthy mother has to nurse you back to health by feeding you her homemade buttcrackers, you uncircumcised, cock-sucking fag dancer.
That is miss.
That is horrible.
What?
What did I just say?
I blacked out for a second.
Okay, that was Mitt Romney as done by the inimitable Mike McCrae's written by Frank Connoff.
What a great sketch that was.
All right.
Ron Paul was on Morning Joe, and I tease it at the top of the show.
And you know, Ron Paul's all about his core convictions, right?
Yes, and whether.
So they're talking about Mitt Romney and whether he thinks Mitt Romney has any core convictions and if he agrees with that.
Yes, and whether he's shown himself someone who has clear convictions.
The Republican Party of the last several decades, I would say he has core convictions, but I just disagree with him because the core convictions aren't what I think we sometimes pretend we believe in and what we have believed in in the past.
So therefore.
So let me just also back this up and remind you that they're going to ask him.
I'm going to play this clip later, but Ron Paul is a recipient of Social Security, and he takes the checks and cashes them and spends the money, even though he's the biggest guy who rails against the quote-unquote welfare state, and he's against...
Okay, so here we go.
So here's some more stuff he has to say about core convictions.
Sure, he's all for getting rid of the welfare state, right?
Your condemnation of the welfare state, it would seem to me that you were headed in the direction of eliminating programs like Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid.
Am I wrong on that?
Well, sort of, because there's a good time sequence.
And as adamant as I am about the purity of a philosophy, I'm also very pragmatic when it comes, you know, I want to get rid of the Fed, but I also don't want to get rid of the Fed tomorrow.
What I want to do is keep taking Social Security.
I won't get rid of it after I'm dead.
That's what I want to do.
I'm very pragmatic.
I'm very pragmatic.
Sure, I want to end the welfare state, but not if it's helping me right now.
I'm still going to take it.
He has some more stuff.
And here, Joel Barnacle asked him about the social contract.
Any obligation to talk to them, perhaps instruct them about the fact that there has always been a social contract among Americans from one generation to another to help those who need help the most.
Okay.
Is there a social contract?
Well, here's what he has to say about it.
Yeah, but not through government.
The best way we can help people is have freedom and free markets, incentives, production, sound money.
So we have accepted this sort of social contract you talk about for the last hundred years.
And look at where we are.
Look at what's happened in the last 20 years.
Look at what's happening since the year 2000.
Look at what's happened in the last five years.
It's downhill.
So what do we get?
Education for kids.
They're graduating.
They have more debt.
No education and no jobs.
That's what your social contract is giving you.
So he's saying social contract, meaning Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, all those things.
They're ruining our country.
But he seems to still be taking those things, right?
And so then they ask him point blank.
Are you here?
We go.
Bit of a personal question then.
Are you on Social Security?
Do you get Social Security checks?
I do.
I mean, is there you just told younger generations that they should wean themselves off this social contract?
That's true, but you haven't done any yourself.
Social Security, just like I said, that I would preserve the Social Security the best I can.
You know, until I'm dead, and then screw it.
I don't care.
You know, I got to preserve it while I'm getting that check.
I might live till I'm 90 years old.
He asked them again.
But we want to get on.
But this is one program we were supposed to be paying into an insurance program.
You could have set a good example for the future generations.
I mean, I'm not saying you're not the wealthiest man in Congress.
I know that.
But you have enough means to take care of yourself in the time insurance.
You're providing an income.
You know that you have to be all sanctimonious about it, but I just want to.
You're not being sanctimonious.
You're just being a little sanctimonious.
A little bit, but I'm just curious.
Couldn't you have said an example?
No, I think.
First of all, I like how they make it that the guy who's actually asking the question of the hypocrite, he's the guy who's a little bit out of line.
Yeah, yeah.
And he's apologizing before they berate him for because he's asking a question that might make this particular politician uncomfortable.
Yes.
Oh, and by the way, I'm going to expose your hypocrisy on this issue.
By the way, it's very easy to do with Ron Paul.
You can expose him on abortion.
You can expose him on this.
I'm sure any one of his positions you can explore exposes hypocrisy, except for maybe foreign wars.
I don't know about that.
But hanging his little bit.
But I think the programs are so designed just as I used the post office, too.
I use government highways.
I do that too.
See, because all that stuff that I rail against, I actually use and like.
But it makes for good rhetoric and it gets people who don't think deeply really worked up.
I use the banks.
I use the Federal Reserve system.
Okay, I get it.
Stop it.
You're a big hypocrite.
I got it.
I don't care.
I get it.
I get it.
You do everything that you rail against, you're a part of.
I got it.
But that doesn't mean that you can't work to remove this in the same way on social security.
Remove the highways.
Remove the highway.
Where are you going to drive?
And the post office.
How's he going to go get a social security check?
Who's going to deliver a social security check?
I am trying to make a transition.
If I were 20 years old and offered a chance, I'd jump at it.
And the young people jump in because they know that this is not solvent.
So I personally don't see any consistency in that because we were supposed to have money there and we had this contract.
This is not like signing up for food stamps.
This is signing up to get.
I still pay Social Security.
I pay more into it than I get out.
So then why are you advocating for its end?
If it's not welfare, if it's not like food stamps, then why do you want, if it's something that you pay into that you draw from, why are you against it?
That would be my question.
And you know what?
I actually got a chance to ask him that question.
Now, Congressman Paul, thanks for taking time.
You know, I saw you on the Morning Joe show, and I noticed that, you know, you're against the welfare state.
You're against the government, quote unquote, taking care of you.
And you always think that that should be done by the private sector, ignoring the fact that the private sector didn't do that.
That's why the government had to step in.
Anyway, listen, you're against stuff like Social Security, but then Sam Stein asked you if you were taking Social Security, and you said you were.
Is that true?
Well, I mean, it was an unfair question.
Yeah, which is an unfair question.
Well, how is it unfair to ask you if you are actually taking part in the program that you're deriding?
Well, if I can't say answer, it makes me look bad.
I mean, that's not fair.
That makes sense.
You know, here it's, you know, that's historic journalism.
People are tired of this sort of need of doctor question.
People want to hear about the issues like our massive welfare state and the entitlements problem in our country.
Yeah, but that's why it's relevant to bring up the fact that you're kind of hypocritical on the issue and you're going against your core convictions.
Aren't you going against your core convictions on this?
Well, I guess my point is that all that was, I mean, doing that undercuts my argument, and that's, you know, an unpleasant thing for me to be involved in in the morning.
I mean, I hadn't even defecated yet at that point.
I know it's on early in here in the morning.
Oh, so, okay.
I don't know what that has to do with you taking Social Security, but okay, Congressman.
Well, just so you are, just for the record, you are taking Social Security.
At the same time, you're deriding it publicly.
Well, here we go again.
I mean, this is what you're asking the same question all over again.
That's why I said that I have to just after I told you that I don't enjoy answering your question.
Okay, Congressman, I appreciate you taking time.
And, you know, I understand that you are, you're, you, you just won Iowa.
Did you know that you just won Iowa?
Oh, for no, I didn't know that.
Yeah, you actually did win Iowa.
That's pretty exciting.
Yeah, it turns out that 21 of the 28 delegates are going to be representing Ron Paul.
Oh, well, that's great news.
You know, it doesn't mean shit.
And, you know, part of my army of troublemakers will be out and about.
That's exciting.
Okay.
Okay, Congressman, thanks for taking time clearing up the Social Security hypocrisy thing for us.
No problem, Jimmy.
And go get fucked, you cockbag.
What the heck?
They're all so hostile.
What's going on?
And now a word from a woman.
Vagina.
All right.
Slower.
A word that sounds too clinical for all the fun it provides.
Vagina, vagina, vagina.
Did you know grown men in Michigan still wins when vagina is said in a room full of grown-ups who pass laws about vaginas?
It makes so much sense, ladies.
You and your lady parts have been up to no good, especially in Michigan.
You can't control yourselves or your vaginas.
I read in Bloomberg.com, more than 20 billion of JPMorgan's market value has been wiped out since Diamond disclosed the loss.
Some say it's due to lack of regulation.
But in fact, it was due to vaginas gone wild.
And the legislators in Michigan see the only solution to getting this economy back on its feet, we first have to get women back on their bare feet and regulate their vaginas.
I don't confess to having all the answers, but maybe if Michigan House Representative Lisa Brown had said pussy, things would have gone better.
I'm just saying, if vagina is so wrong, how can pussy not be right?
Very nice.
I just want to say I'm Steph Samorano, proud owner of my own vagina.
You may not have all the answers, but you do have.
I sure do.
Okay, don't forget this Saturday, June 30th, 8:30 p.m. at the Improv Lab in Hollywood on Melrose Avenue, one block west of Crescent Heights.
It's left, right, and ridiculous.
That's right.
The funniest show in Los Angeles.
Come see it this Saturday, June 30th, 8:30 p.m.
There's a link at jimmydoorcomedy.com for tickets.
Tickets, very affordable, $10, huh?
Look at that.
So I'll see you there.
That's Saturday, June 30th, June 30th.
What do you think about that?
June 30th, 8:30 p.m.
Everybody's going to be there.
We'll see you then.
Today's show was written, written.
That's right, by Mike McRae, Steph Samurano, Steve Rosenfield, Robert Yasimura, Jim Earl, and Frank Conniff.
What a show.
It was a great show.
Thanks for Mike McRae for doing all the voices.
He could be found at mikemcray.com.
Great job this week.
And thanks for checking out the Jimmy Door show, new on the Young Turks Network.
You know what?
You know where you can find it?
Go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
It's there.
You can watch it there.
You can link to it on YouTube.
It's all over there at jimmydoorcomedy.com.
Thanks for listening, everybody.
Oh, and a special shout out to the two gentlemen who donate their time and talents to help make the Jimmy Door show happen.
Frank Pulaski from Dreamtime Films takes the phone calls we do on the show and some of the other bits, and he puts video to them in a most amazing way.
And then we put them up on our YouTube page and we put them up at the website and the Facebook.
They're great videos that Frank Pulaski puts together.
Frank lives in Hawaii.
What a nice life he has.
Also, the other gentleman, Sean James, is our computer genius who fixes a computer whenever it breaks, which seems to happen on a weekly basis now.
Sean James can help you fix yours too right over the internet.
It's amazing to watch.
You can get a hold of him at MacHelp at SeanJames.com.
And you spell Sean, S-H-A-U-N, SeanJames.com.
That's our show.
Thanks for listening.
And thanks for again for watching the Jimmy Door show on the Young Turks Network.
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