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June 9, 2012 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Last week, former President George W. Bush returned to the White House for the unveiling of his official presidential portrait.
Honestly, does every single president have to have their own painting?
How bad a president do you have to be before they say, you know what, you don't get a painting or scale it down accordingly.
For example, Richard Nixon's portrait probably should have been a police sketch.
If it were up to me, I would have given Bush one of those pastel caricatures you have made on the boardwalk.
He could be clearing brush or talking through a bullhorn or stealing the election.
As it is, Bush's portrait is a perfect representation of him because it'll never change or apologize for Iraq.
Ultimately, Bush's only positive accomplishment was he helped elect Obama.
We know nobody tried to get rid of the Electoral College because that wouldn't be fair to the three swing states that decide every election.
Politically, of course, Bush is poison now that it no longer matters.
Mitt Romney won't even mention his name but endorses his economic policies.
And why shouldn't he?
Bush's heyday was nine years ago.
People are starting to forget the hangover they got from that beer they wanted to have with him.
That was one expensive beer.
Awesome.
Very nice.
Great.
Great.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for lefties.
The kind of people that are.
Phil Mance may be on Tearing Down Our Nation.
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you, Kevin.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's episode.
I am joined in studio to my right, former writer for The Daily Show, hilarious comedian.
It's Steve Rosenfield.
Hey, Steve, how are you?
Good, Jimmy.
How are you?
Steve, you have a genuine cheeriness about you.
It's a beautiful day.
It isn't nice, and I'm wearing a shirt today.
I'm assuming he hasn't read the paper.
I'm assuming he hasn't.
We're at war again.
We're at war in Wisconsin.
Next to him from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and cinematictitanic.com, it's Frank Conoff.
Hey, Frank, how are you?
Hey, hey, hey.
Good to see you.
Good to see you.
Got your hat going.
You're desktop.
Those are earth tones today, Frank?
Yeah, I've had Naomi Wolf has been consulting with me about my wardrobe.
Okay.
I got that's a Naomi Wolf.
That's a callback to the 2000 election in Al Gore, correct?
It's a callback to something the press made a huge deal about that didn't deserve to be made.
That did not deserve.
Yes.
I'm with you.
Next to him, host of the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast, chosen one of the top 10 podcasts of 2011 by The Onion.
It's Paul Gilmartin.
Hi, Paul.
How are you?
Hi, Jimmy.
I'm wearing earth shoes.
You know what?
My shoes are standing on the earth, which is nice.
Earth to Paul.
Love your shoes.
Paul Gilmartin back off a hot review from his University of Riverside show.
Did you see that review?
No.
Oh, my God.
They went nuts for you.
Really?
Yes, yes.
I got it.
I got the review.
Hang on a second.
Who reviewed it?
The school paper or something?
Really?
Or maybe a local paper from Riverside?
Really?
Still haven't seen the river.
Haven't seen the river.
Hey, did you hear Facebook?
Facebook wants to allow children under 13 years old to be able to join Facebook, but they don't want to be liable for the kids who get cooties after being poked.
I think that's funny.
After being poked.
I'll say it again.
Poked.
Did you know that if Facebook stock drops low enough, it converts into shares of MySpace?
Very nice, Paul.
I did not know that, but it's good to know.
Okay, did you know the British Diamond Jubilee that celebrates the greatest achievements of Queen Elizabeth, who for 60 years has, what has she done exactly?
No one knows.
No one knows, right?
Shit through her own toilet seat.
That is exactly what she's done.
Okay.
And Frank, aren't you also celebrating your 60th anniversary?
Yes, it's my diamond jubilee of 60 years of not giving a shit about the Queen of England.
That's a bigger celebration.
I don't know if you can get a ticket for that, but there's going to be fireworks.
I understand.
Okay.
And in Wisconsin, so the mayor of Milwaukee lost in his race for governor, Scott Walker, in Wisconsin yesterday, right?
We taped the show on Wednesday.
And they spent $30 million to his $3 million.
So he was outspent by thousands of percents.
It's amazing.
Republicans showed how much money they will spend to ensure that working-class people have no money to spend.
Yes.
It is quite amazing.
Okay, coming up on today's show, we're going to be talking about George Zimmerman's got his bail revoked.
We're going to talk about that a little bit.
Donald Trump gave a speech in North Carolina, the North Carolina Republican Convention.
I mean, if I had a nickel for every knuckle that was scraped on the ground, there you go.
There, that's what I was trying to say.
Plus, Maria Bartaromo.
I don't know if you know Maria Bartaromo is.
Anyway, we're going to talk about her.
She knows what her and Andrea Mitchell had a conversation about what's wrong with the economy.
We're going to dissect it.
Phone calls today from Mitt Romney and John Edwards coming up on today's Jimmy Dore Show.
Time for another installment of Oh My God.
Okay, so this week's Oh My God segment, it's going to be a mild one, but let's just try to have as much fun as we can.
Oh my God.
Okay.
Doesn't take much, does it?
So here is a more an Oh My Holy Ghost segment.
There's a guy named David Barton.
He's a reverend.
He's been on the show before.
He's usually obsessed with men's anuses, gay men's anuses, to be specific.
Well, now here he is.
He was on a show.
He's on a show called Wall Builders Live.
Wall Builders.
That's the name of the show.
Wall Builders.
It doesn't sound good, right?
Wall Builders?
No.
And here he is talking.
We all know Liberty University.
You're familiar with Liberty University.
That's the one founded by Jerry Falwell.
I'm familiar with that, and I'm familiar with actual universities, too.
Right, Jerry Falwell, who said that God made 9-11 happen because he was angry at us.
We're at the gays and the gays, secularists, lesbians, and feminists, right?
They're the ones that God was angry at.
So God let some terrorists fly planes into Twin Towers and kill 3,000 people.
Very irritable day for God.
Yeah.
Couldn't he have just told us he was mad?
The lesbians caught him at a bad time that day.
Really?
You know, God was upset about some other things still.
But so this guy was here.
Here's David Barton talking about Liberty University, and here's what he had to say about it.
Ready?
But they're really doing the job of saying, all right, here's the Bible.
It applies to every aspect of life.
Let us show you how it applies to education, how it applies to economics.
So they're doing a thoroughly great job of inculcating biblical principles, but yet turning out kids of academic excellence.
I mean, their ratings and their standings with law schools and others, they're one of the top schools in The nation.
He's talking about Liberty University.
But they're one of the top schools in the nation.
He just said that.
Is he talking about our nation?
He said Liberty University, one of the top schools in the nation.
And, well, let me just give you the statistics.
Every year, U.S. News and World Report produces a list of the best law schools in America that ranks the top 150 schools.
And Liberty University Law School was ranked number ready.
Ranked number, quote, rank not published.
Meaning it didn't even qualify among the top 150.
Here, he went on a little bit later.
Here's Barton talking about the connection between not reading the Bible and welfare.
You ready?
Wouldn't it be interesting to do a study between those that are on welfare and see how much and how often they read the Bible?
You know, Booker T. Washington.
I would say no.
It wouldn't be interesting.
It might be racist.
It wouldn't be interesting, I'll tell you that.
This guy represents the teachings of Christ the way Girls Gone Wild represents Calypso music.
LAUGHTER Oh, very nice, Paul.
Very nice.
Let's hear that on Best of the Left.
That's a great joke.
It is.
Okay, here we go.
Caution's right.
Christianity, reading the Bible increases your desires, and therefore you're built in hard work.
Reading the Bible increases your desires and your ability for hard work.
Hard work.
If we take that as an axiom, does that mean that the people that are really getting government assistance spend nearly no time in the Bible, therefore have no desire and therefore no ability for hard work?
I could go a lot of places with this.
I would love to see this proven out in some kind of sociological study, but it makes perfect sense.
You just need to find the right unaccredited university to get that grant money.
They've perverted this truism that hard work equals success, but now they've meant that.
So unsuccess equals no work.
Right, right.
So if you're not successful, if you're not rich, then you're not worried.
You're just lazy.
So it's again, it's that whole, I can sleep at God.
I think that's what Jesus said in the Bible.
Blessed are the poor for they're lazy.
Isn't that what he said?
So yeah, it's the opposite of what Christianity.
Because Jesus, I might point out, was not very successful because they crucified him.
You know, that's the end of his life.
He never made a decent living, which it worked out.
I mean, he didn't have any retirement set up or anything.
He went around walking around the desert, talking to people, you know, with his 12 buddies.
He lived off of that one, I think.
They worked.
So if you, by the way, if you have a kid, here's a guy, Peter LeBarbera's America for Truth Hour.
And here's Patrick Wooden, and he's here with Patrick Wooden, and they dedicated a couple hours discussing the results of the marriage amendment vote in North Carolina.
And here's what they had to say about gay people.
And here we go.
Young people grow up.
And it's amazing what happens when you become a mom or dad yourself.
It's amazing what happens when all of a sudden now you're entrusted with a young life and that kid looks just like you and all of a sudden now it's your little boy or your little girl.
No one wants their son to be homosexual.
No one wants their daughter to be homosexual.
There you go.
There you go.
Nobody, not even, but what if you are a homosexual?
No one.
No one.
No one would want their child.
Even the homosexual father doesn't want his son to be homosexual.
The lesbian mother does not want her daughter to be lesbian.
I wonder why that is.
I wonder if it's because of the prejudices they find in society that people have to face.
Is that why they don't want their kids to be homosexual?
This has been, oh my God.
Oh my God.
So I don't know if you guys heard about what happened with George Zimmerman recently.
So when George Zimmerman got his bail, his bail was set at $150,000.
Normally you have to pay, spend - is it for $1 for every person that wants to kill you?
So I think you have to pay 10% of that, right?
So if your bail is $150,000, you have to put up $15,000.
Isn't that what happened?
And then you have to disclose to the court your finances and everything.
You have to disclose, because they have to set bail.
They have to know if you're a flight risk, how much money you can afford, stuff like that.
So he said that he was penniless.
He didn't have any money, even though he had collected $130,000 from that website he set up.
I think $200,000, I think.
I originally read $200,000, but I've read the $130,000.
I think it's up to $200,000 now.
Oh, $130,000.
Oh, maybe that is possibly bad.
I got to start killing unarmed people.
Yeah, or just say you did and then set up a website.
Just start a Kickstarter campaign to buy a gun.
I need a gun.
I need a gun because I'm trying to kill someone so I could raise some money.
Of course, so what happened was they found out through a recording in jail.
So they know you're being recorded.
your conversations are being recorded and he's already Yes, Frank, they are.
So being in jail is like having a podcast.
More fun.
So.
Well, actually, jail can lead to something concrete.
You can rough your career.
A lot of people in jail are trying to monetize their time there.
And it turned out that George Zimmerman also had an extra passport that he got right after he killed Trayvon.
So he has this extra passport, which he didn't disclose to the judge, right?
So that's a big no-no.
And you can hear on the recordings from the jailhouse where they were speaking in code, but I guess his wife was, he was like, askport pay.
No.
Really?
Oh, I was like, I thought you were serious for a second.
I was like, wow.
Airway is the assport pay.
Extra A. He had an extra passport, and he wasn't going to use this extra passport.
He just wanted it in case he's acquitted or the trial's going really badly.
Just in case.
So now here's his lawyer was asked about this.
So he booked his bail.
So now he has to go back in the...
He's back in jail theoretically until the trial starts next year.
but they're going to try and get him another bail hearing.
But, you know, now that he's lied already to the court, it's kind of...
And he had an extra passport.
So here's what his lawyer had to say.
It's a credibility question with Mr. Zinnerman, and now that credibility has been attacked or his credibility has been attacked.
By who?
By his lying.
By logic, common sense.
His lying has attacked his credibility.
Once again, we are a victim of common sense.
God damn it.
And you know what?
He's going to do his part by attacking the credibility of the black kid he shot.
So here we go.
He's tarnished, and now he's going to have to rehabilitate him.
He's going to have to rehabilitate his credibility.
It's been tarnished.
That other people have imposed on him because he has no credibility.
Yes.
He didn't start out with credibility.
He hasn't really lost it.
And you know what?
I hate to say this, but this whole thing really puts doubt on his account of what happened that night.
He really casts a shadow of download about this.
I'm starting to wonder about it.
Something doesn't smell right.
Yeah, his version of events might come into question now.
You know, the funny thing is, is that if they had just arrested him that night, none of this would have happened, and he probably would have ended up getting off.
He followed Stand Your Ground law, but because they didn't arrest him, it became this whole thing.
And now the whole country is aware of the stand-your-ground law and how screwed up it is.
It hurt Alec because Alec was the right-wing think tank that was pushing through all these stand-your-ground kind of laws and stuff like that because they're in bed with the gun industry.
And so, yeah, it was exactly.
It's like they screwed themselves.
They would have just arrested this guy.
None of this would have happened.
Okay.
It's a credibility question with Mr. Zimmerman, and now that credibility has been attacked or tarnished, and now he's going to have to rehabilitate it.
Yeah, and it's very important that people believe Mr. Zimmerman's testimony.
So from now on, he'll need to be completely honest, and I'll need to get some rednecks on that jury.
And the way the lawyer is talking, he sounds very sure of himself.
What he's saying is, yeah, he's kind of cocky, right?
Well, you know, Zimmerman's attorney, according to Zimmerman's attorney, Zimmerman was confused and fearful when he allowed his wife to mislead the judge about his finances.
In fact, he was so confused, he forgot which version of the story he told police last time and fearful he couldn't repeat it the next time.
And on the bright side, usually when Zimmerman is confused and fearful, somebody gets shot.
Don't make him fearful.
I expect more rational behavior from someone who's killed an unarmed kid.
You know what?
His credibility has been tarnished.
And I say Zimmerman is just going to have to do a much better job of lying if he's going to expect to get off on there.
I like how he says how they have to rehabilitate.
Rehabilitate his credibility.
You mean try to make people forget that the guy who shot an unarmed kid and said he did it in self-defense might also be a confirmed liar?
That's what he means by rehabilitate.
Get people to forget.
So I just happened to turn on the TV and I caught this exchange between Andrea Mitchell.
Andrea Mitchell and Maria Bartaromo.
I like to call the dimwits of cable news.
And first of all, like Maria Bartaromo, she's a Wall Street sonographer and mouthpiece.
I'm sorry.
I mean, she's a CNBC business reporter.
And she's been reporting from the economic trenches for years now.
In fact, you know, she's actually embedded.
She's embedded with a squadron of criminally insane CEOs.
And she was last seen storming the beaches of East Hampton, Long Island with the Wall Street 82nd douchebag division.
But what about, come on, Jimmy, what about all of her great reporting before the financial meltdown?
Warning, warning everybody.
Warning everybody that we were in, that something bad could happen.
Don't you?
Oh, wait.
Wait, she didn't say a word.
She didn't say a thing about it.
Well, that's too busy having dinner at the Greenspans.
Isn't Andrea Mitchell?
She's married to Alan Greenspan, the guy who was the overseer of the deregulation, and he drove the economy into a ditch and then claimed he couldn't do anything about it.
Nobody could have stopped.
It's one of those things where if everybody's responsible, nobody's responsible.
And he could have never stopped it.
Even if he told Congress, they wouldn't have stopped.
This is what he hits.
Who could have predicted that in the lawless West there would have been shooting?
The problem with Maria Bartaromo's reporting is that it's bad, right?
That would be the problem.
And she's never asked the, even though she's an economic reporter, she doesn't understand economics or how to ask a good question.
Here she is with Andrea Mitchell.
And one of my favorite canards.
What's wrong?
What's wrong with the economy?
It's uncertainty.
Well, tell me, Maria.
To, in fact, give some certainty out there, some clarity, so that business can actually put plans together for 2013 in terms of hiring plans.
We're not seeing that.
So I think the business.
So she's saying that the administration is not giving the information that business leaders need to be certain so they can put together business plans for 2013.
The best thing that the president can do right now is to actually take leadership, address the issues that everyone's talking about.
With those issues with being the unregulated banks that are still too big to fail, those issues, Maria Barromo.
How about the extractionist policy of taking wealth from this country, investing it over in China and third world countries, that kind of problem?
I mean, the problem where tax incentives are actually written into the books by corporations so they get tax breaks when they send jobs out of the communities, any of that stuff.
Or the war on labor and unions while CEOs make 4,000 times what the average worker makes.
Yeah, would it be any of those things?
So the CEOs of the banks that have failed get gigantic $20 million bonuses.
Is that the problem?
Jamie Dimon is on the Fed.
Yes, Jamie Dimon sits on the Fed.
Now, is any of those problems?
Is that what she's talking about?
The fact that we've got a $15 trillion debt.
Oh, no, the debt.
Is that that?
The fact that we've got all these tax cuts expiring.
the fact that the Bush tax cuts might have spent.
Those are the things everybody's talking about.
So what she's saying...
And actually, Today, the stock market's down better than 200 points, Andrea.
Why?
Because investors are acknowledging that things have worsened.
Again, they need clarity that they're not getting from the government.
How can business do anything?
The Bush tax cuts, you know, happened during the Bush administration.
Look how good the economy turned out then.
That's right.
And that's what everybody's talking about.
Now, listen to what Andrea Mitchell.
First of all, Maria Bartaromo sounds like she's reciting Mitt Romney's stump speech.
Does she not?
Wall Street needs certainty, like the certainty J.P. Morgan Chase has when they lose billions of dollars that nobody's going to get busted.
You mean that kind of certainty?
After the Wall Street crisis, almost immediately after that.
Well, Wall Street is waiting for Obama to make a move that would establish confidence.
You know, for example, like losing the election.
That's not.
I love that.
They're waiting for that.
And the only thing Wall Street hates more than uncertainty is when a reporter tells the truth.
We all know that.
Okay, so here's what Andrea Mitchell shoots back with.
Worsened.
I couldn't agree more.
She couldn't agree more.
These are two reporters.
So now she's again, really.
You're right.
That's a good point.
I totally forgot that Maria Bartoloma is supposedly a journalist.
She's a reporter.
She's supposed to be a reporter.
She's speaking truth to power with her good friend, the wife of the ex-Fed.
And she couldn't agree with you.
Her speaking truth to power is her telling a CEO, yeah, I'll go out and have dinner with you.
She really means it.
Yeah, she means it.
When I talk to business leaders, they say we want to.
When she talks to business leaders, when she talks to business leaders, I want to hear something from the White House and from the Hill about Simpson Bowles, about revisiting that.
But the White House keeps pushing back, and you still get the blame game, and everybody blaming each other for busting up the grand bargain.
And it doesn't look like anything's going to happen anytime soon.
Very frustrated, they're telling us today.
It's very frustrating that the Republican policies which led us into this ditch are still being implemented by this government.
I can't believe that we're.
And a lot of Democrats signed off on that bullshit, too.
Yes, a lot.
Bill Clinton.
The Simpson Bowles thing is what she's talking about.
So Andrea Mitchell's like, if we just, again, what she's saying is what we need is more tax cuts for the wealthy and austerity for poor people.
That's what's going to fix this economy.
That's what Andrea Mitchell just said.
And nobody points out there.
I wish there was a reporter on this show to point out that Andrea Mitchell is married to Alan Greenspan, the discredited chief of the Fed who led us to this, who let the regulation happen, who was ahead of the Fed when they repealed Glassdeagle, who was ahead of the Fed when they passed the modern.
Oh, you know, the news, the new slogan of a lot of MSNBC's programming is MSNBC, the place for conflict of interest.
You know, Maria Bartaromo does seem like she's full of crap, but that's only because we're not as dumb as Andrea Mitchell.
And if Andrea Mitchell were any more useless, she'd be Wolf Blitzer.
Okay.
I just love how.
Oh, you know what?
I had another thing I wanted to say was that when they talk about the Wall Street and it's up and isn't it?
And I don't have no understanding of it, but isn't doesn't the stock market rarely reflect what's really going on in the country?
In other words, like, you know, there's unemployment and people are really hurting and yet the stock market will go up.
Speculation.
Also, it's like Europe.
Whatever's going on in Europe and the Greek problem, right?
That really has stock market has very little reflection of what's happening in the real economy, is exactly what you said.
Yes, it doesn't really.
The Dow today just had its biggest gain in 2012.
Based on what?
Right.
And the Dow went back clarity, I guess.
They got some clarity in the last day.
The Dow got back up to 13,000, which is right around its peak before the crash.
So the economy isn't anywhere near because it's they're just moving paper just paper money.
And I love how they go, well, I talk to Maria Bartaroma and goes, I talk to business leaders.
And Andrea Mitchell says, when I talk to business leaders, and the business leaders are saying, I talked to Andrea Mitchell.
Do they ever ask anybody else any questions?
Do they ever ask a question of an economist, maybe like Paul Volcker or Paul Krugman or somebody else named Paul?
Do they ever do that?
No, they asked, I talked to the business leaders who want tax cuts for themselves and they want austerity for the rest of the country.
That's the only people to them, that's reporting.
Telling you what a CEO of a company said or what Jamie Diamond said.
Well, I'm blanking.
To them, that's reporting.
David Gregory, I've heard say many times, when is Obama going to get serious about Medicare and Social Security, about cutting it?
And that's their whole point of view, that that's the only way out of the crisis.
Fucking GOP talking points.
But it's the mainstream media talking points, too.
David Brooks has written flowery prose about the greatness of the Paul Ryan budget.
Which increases the deficit, by the way.
The Paul Ryan budget plan increases the deficit, which it's a scam.
I feel so sorry for anybody who is counting on Social Security as a safety net.
So there was a guy.
I'm sitting right here.
There was a guy named Mark Haynes who was actually a reporter.
I'm talking about a real reporter, not a stenographer or a mouthpiece for Wall Street, like Maria Bartaromo and Andrea Mitchell are.
Mark Haynes was, of course, he died because he was a good reporter, so they put something in his food and they killed him.
So here's what he has to say.
He was debating a hedge fund manager on Morning Joe.
This is last year before he died, not after.
Here's what he says.
Why don't businesses hire or fire?
Does it have to do with uncertainty?
What does Mark say?
I think it has nothing to do with confidence.
Companies hire when they see more demand for their goods or services.
Period the end.
When business picks up, they hire.
If business doesn't pick up, they don't hire.
Well, you've got 7%.
And then the hedge fund manager comes back with, well, you've got 7%.
Here's what this guy has to say.
Well, you've got 7% growth in the average earnings of the SP 500 over the last four years.
Yeah, but you haven't had that kind of growth in the average earnings of the average worker.
And that's who buys stuff.
So until those people start buying more stuff, companies aren't going to hire.
So companies are making money, right?
Corporations are doing better than ever.
CEOs are making more money than ever, but workers aren't because, but the economy isn't doing better because workers aren't experiencing any of the profits.
I don't understand that, Jimmy.
Yacht sales are through the roof.
So that guy died from common sense.
Okay, so, you know, we had a lot of bad news.
The corporations are taking over and Wisconsin went down.
It makes me think that the people in Wisconsin.
We'll talk about it on the other half.
But right now, let's listen to Mitt Romney.
I talked to him.
I'm talking with former governor of Massachusetts, Republican nominee for president.
It's Mitt Romney.
Hi, Mitt.
How are you doing?
Hey, Jimmy.
I'm doing great.
I just thought I'd call in and bask in my great triumph in Wisconsin.
I won.
You won?
Yes, I kept my distance from the recall and practically made myself invisible in the state.
And as a result, Scott Blocker won.
So I take full credit for his victory.
You know, Governor, I'm sorry, but when it comes to Wisconsin, you and Obama both behaved in the same meek, cowardly fashion.
Neither of you lifted a finger to help your parties in the recall election.
Well, okay.
But don't forget, Jimmy, I've been acting meek and cowardly for decades.
Obama has only become a worse in the last few years.
He totally stole the whole cautious Dutless thing from me.
You know, Governor, I hate to say it, but I think the results of the Wisconsin recall are going to help your chances in the presidential race.
That's for sure.
Jimmy, I think the public is going to love the fact that for once, I am not on the side of the wealthy 1%.
Well, which wealthy 1% are you talking about?
The teachers.
It's disgusting how they've grown wealthy through the exploitation of children.
How are teachers exploiting children exactly?
Well, by teaching them, dummy.
By making a quick walk off of giving them an education from kindergarten till high school graduation.
You know, Governor, I'm sorry, but I don't think there's a single teacher who is anywhere near as wealthy as you are.
Well, think about it this way.
Teachers have things that I don't have, Jimmy.
That's what wealth is.
Now, have you ever seen me driving a huge skia?
Have you ever seen me living in a cheap apartment with a roommate?
Or have you ever seen me eating these Roman noodles?
The ramen noodles.
And no, I haven't.
Oh, I see.
See, I don't even know what they're called.
That's how exclusive they are.
School teachers live lives that I can't even dream about.
Well, why not?
Because it would make me blow my friggin brains out.
You know, I have to say, Governor, you seem quite indifferent.
Governor, you sound quite indifferent to the needs of school children.
Oh, no, no, no.
Quite the opposite is true, Jimmy.
I believe that every child in our nation should Have the chance to one day grow up to get fired by me.
It's called the American Dream, Jimmy.
Well, Governor Romney, I feel bad about the Wisconsin recall, and I'd like to thank you for stopping by and making me feel even worse.
Oh, hey, anytime.
So long, Jimmy.
Goodbye, Governor.
And go get fucked, you cockwagon.
*laughter*
You cockwag.
Okay, that was the inimitable Mike McRae, dude, Mitt Romney.
And this is the Jimmy Door show.
We'll be right back.
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If you like the Jimmy Door show, there's another half of it.
There's another whole half.
A whole half?
Isn't that contradictory?
Doesn't matter.
It's coming up.
And you're going to hear what's coming up in just a second.
Hey, don't forget, June 30th.
That's right.
That's a Saturday.
June 30th is the next left, right, and ridiculous at the Improv Lab.
So if you haven't laughed in a while and you need one, that's a great place to catch a laugh.
It's hysterical.
It's funny.
We've got great sketches with Paul Hill Martin doing his jackass Republican character.
And if you haven't seen it, it's a must-see.
And of course, on the panel, we always have David Feldman and Frank Conniff from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
And there's always a wild mystery guest.
So, okay, let's get back to the second half of the show.
Here we go.
Hi, welcome back to the Jimmy Doer show.
I'm joined in studio by former writer for The Daily Show and hilarious comedian.
It's Steve Rosenfield.
Next to him from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and CinematicTitanic.com, it's Frank Coniff.
Next to him, it's the host of the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast.
It's Paul Gilmartin.
What's coming up on the second half of today's show?
We're going to talk about the Cardinal from New York who says he can't dispense charity funds because of Obamacare.
I know it sounds confusing, right?
I think that's what Jesus said.
If there's ever a healthcare, if there's universal health care, you have to stop helping the poor and the sick.
I think that's in Leviticus.
Coming up right now, we're going to talk about Donald Trump, right?
Donald Trump was giving a speech to the North Carolinian Republican Convention.
And, well, let's just play some of it, shall we?
It's not easy.
What's not easy, right?
Walking around with that head of hair.
It is not easy.
And one of the reasons that I decided that I wouldn't run, he wouldn't run for president.
This is why he's first he has to tell people because people want him to be president in North Carolina.
As you know, I was doing very well.
The polls were great.
Everything was great.
I love doing it.
And as you know, the polls were great.
What polls was he reading?
He loves to say that.
You know, I was leading in the poll.
He wasn't.
When he left the race, he was like fifth.
He went way down.
He went way down.
And Herman Kane and Newt Gingrich were leading in the polls for a while, too.
And Rick Perry, I think it was.
Everybody was leading in the polls.
Michelle Bachman.
Everybody good, though.
Right, right.
He was looking at polls conducted by Liberty University.
There you go.
I had to make a decision because I had so many things going, and I had.
He was just too, so popular.
He had to make a decision of what he had going.
I mean, I don't want to bring up a very successful show for The Apprentice.
I assume you all watch the Apprentice.
So let's just pull it.
Let me just blink this straight.
Quote-unquote billionaire, Donald Trump, was going to be president and save our country, but he had a reality show to change.
You know, he's a very fickle guy.
I think he makes decisions based on which way his hair blows.
And he, you know, he, the reality show is where his income comes from because he's not a billionaire.
He's not.
No, he's none of those things he says he is.
He doesn't, he's not like Mitt Romney or Mike Bloomberg who could finance a campaign for president.
He's incapable of doing it.
He doesn't have the money for it.
Maybe he's the perfect person to run our country because he has experience with being over-leveraged.
Yes, exactly.
Sure, the country needs Trump to be president of the United States, but NBC needs him more to be king of the douchebags.
And Trump knows he'd have about as much chance to win the presidency as any of the celebrities on his show have of getting back into show business.
Okay, so he had some more.
He's got some more he said.
Because I asked to see his college records, because I'd like to see him.
I'd love this one line.
He'd love to see his college records.
You know what?
And I would love to see the documentation of Trump's last few bankruptcies.
But damn it, the media keeps protecting Trump.
Yes.
I want to see his long-form bankruptcy.
I want to see his long-form hair piece.
These are all going in my act.
Because I asked to see his college records because I'd like to see him.
I'd love this one line called...
Thank you.
And that gets a big round of applause.
Because how could a black man possibly graduate with honors from Harvard and the Harvard Law School and become the head of their right?
And that gets a round of applause.
Questioning Barack Obama's college records gets a round of applause from a bunch of knuckle-draggers.
Isn't that something?
There's one line called Place of Birth.
I'd like to see what he said.
Yeah, it'd be very interesting.
I don't care what his marks were.
I don't care if he had good marks, but I'd just like to see Place of Birth, three colleges, place of birth.
I'd love to see what, you know.
Perhaps it's going to say Hawaii.
Perhaps it's going to say Kenya.
Perhaps it's going to say something.
I'd like to see place of birth.
And they said, racist.
I said, what the hell does this have to do with racism?
Just because I've never asked this of any white politician ever.
Ever.
And it's never in our country's history has a president been asked for his birth certificate until we had a black one.
And even though this guy who's the first president ever been made to show his birth certificate and his long-form birth Certificate, you still don't accept it, even though it was been certified by the Hawaii, Hawaii's Republican governor.
So even though that, so and I would like to see, you know, Trump is absolutely certain that Obama lied to become president because Trump lied to become Trump.
So and stay Trump.
And he's going to continue to search for the truth, Donald Trump, or whatever will get him on CNN for one more day.
Do you really think somebody would put all that effort into running for president if they knew they were covering up where they were born?
Yes.
If he really was born in Kenya, do you really think he would have gone to all the lengths of running for president?
No.
And I think if he really was born in Kenya, he would have been debunked.
It would have been found out.
If he didn't have proper documentation, it would have been found out because everybody in the world, believe me, if Donald Trump had anything, he would say it.
He doesn't.
How come they don't?
Wolf Blitzer brought it up, but I wish they'd be even more forceful in asking him, where is the result of those detectives that you said were in Hawaii and we're uncovering.
Can't believe what they're finding.
Why don't you present what they're finding?
Because we wouldn't believe it either.
Well, he was because he was lying, and that's what's so awful about.
I mean, he's a douchebag, okay, but the fact that he has a platform in the media and that he's not treated as a fringe crank.
And Mitt Romney is embracing him, and the Republicans down there are embracing a total crank.
And I'm sorry, but a fucking racist.
Yes, he couldn't.
Well, it's good that you said that because I don't think he is racist inherently.
He said, oh, because I brought up the birth certificate, I'm a racist.
You said you think that, Frank, because he brought up the certificate?
Yes, I do.
He's got a response for you.
I said, how could I be ever?
I just picked Arsenio Hall.
Okay.
You know what?
Maya, Culpa.
I stand corrected.
He's got a black friend.
I don't know if you know that.
He has a black friend.
And also, there are people in the KKK who watch the Arsenio Hall show, so they're not racist either.
Correct.
He said, oh, because I brought up the birth certificate, I'm a racist.
I said, how could I be ever?
I just picked Arsenio Hall.
He didn't have the temerity to run for president.
And listen to that.
Listen to the audience.
They're like, he picked Arsenio Hall.
I don't know if I approve of that.
That's like this one moment that they're not applauding.
Right.
Yeah.
I'm smart.
I don't think everybody says.
I don't.
I'm smart and I want the stick.
What the hell does this have to do with racism?
It has everything.
So if I just pretend like I'm incredulous, if he just keeps pretending, what is this?
If I just pretend long enough, I'll just keep saying, what does this have to do with racism?
The fact that I'm questioning the first black president's birth and Trump's philosophy is birtherism today, birth tomorrow, birtherism forever.
They're looking for loopholes to try to get Obama out.
It was sort of interesting.
I just happened to have it in my pocket.
He's killing.
He is killing.
This was from Barack's.
So he takes a pamphlet out of his pocket.
Publisher.
And it said, this was a book.
This was printed.
This was printed.
So was the birth certificate.
Yes, yes.
You know what else?
And it said Barack Obama, blah, blah, blah, was born in Kenya and raised in Indonesia and Hawaii.
Okay, that's what it says, 1991.
And this was a part of a book, a brochure.
And I said, huh?
Well, now he's in trouble.
Except the press doesn't want to hear about it.
It's actually amazing.
He's very, very protected.
It's hard to believe.
Yes, he's very protected.
Unlike business interests.
Yes.
Oh, sure.
Yeah, I love that.
You know what else?
Like you said, you know what else besides promotional pamphlets are printed?
Birth certificates are also printed.
There are also.
So, Jimmy, not as much care goes into birth certificates as it does printed.
Oh, no, I would definitely give more weight to a promotional pamphlet for a book than an official birth certificate issued and certified by the state of Hawaii.
And the item in the newspaper in 1961 when he was born, which Trump claims was a lot of people lied.
A lot of people lied about it.
A lot of people in Hawaii back in the 60s, I don't know if you know this, would have a baby in another country, rush to Hawaii, rush over, and then put a birth announcement into the paper so that they could be called citizens in Hawaii.
Because whenever someone has to prove their citizenship, I don't know how many, how many times have you brought the paper where your birth announcement was mentioned?
Nobody.
Whoever does that?
Who asks?
I can prove I was born here.
I have from the newspaper.
Who does that?
Nobody.
But the thing that's really awful about all this is that I think it's effective.
Even though everyone knows he's a crack, I mean, here he is in front of a Republican audience and they're official audience.
They're cheering him on.
This isn't the TV.
One of the reasons why they have to pick at this stuff is because they agree with all of his policies so far, except for gay rights.
Well, that's what you're talking about.
You're talking about Barack Obama.
Right.
Yeah.
He has ignored the Constitution.
Sorry, I hammer at this point all the time, but I just, my jaw drops every time I think about that a constitutional lawyer has done away with habeas corpus.
And that is not printed in the headlines every single fucking day until that's reversed.
I'm with you.
He's got some more to say.
Bill Clinton last night actually said on television it's pretty well determined.
Pretty well.
Use the word pretty.
Didn't say it's determined.
It's pretty well determined.
It's pretty well determined that he was born in Hawaii.
Well, see, you know, I'm not a believer.
So we'll see what happens.
So we'll see what happens.
It's already happened.
Everything is already.
We're going to see what happens.
As if we just keep questioning, there'll never be a definitive answer for Donald Trump.
There'll never be, no matter what.
We'll see what happens.
Like it's that he's positioning himself as I'm then the open-minding guy just asking questions.
I'm not.
I'm willing to.
Okay, there's more.
I'm about jobs.
He's about jobs.
I'm about economic development.
What aren't you about?
I don't really like talking about the place of birth because.
That's our oh my God segment you.
Yeah, there you go.
Wow.
Because I'm afraid that pretty soon even the retards will see through me like a worn-out toupee.
I can't say retards.
God damn it.
Why did I say it in the first place?
Yeah, let's listen to what he is.
I'm about jobs.
I'm about economic development.
I don't really like talking about the place of birth because.
Because I'm afraid that pretty soon even the knuckle-draggers in North Carolina will ever see through me like a worn-out toupee.
Yeah, okay.
I really don't like talking.
I don't really like talking about the place of birth.
Yeah.
The fact that that came out of his lips is in the middle of talking about it.
I can handle things.
I'm like everybody says, Don't want to stay.
It's never not funny, David.
If only Mo Green had slapped Trump around.
Okay, well, it's been a little while since we've heard of the Keystone Cops of Morality, the Catholic Church, but not to worry.
Just like a case of herpes given to you by a priest, they always come back, right?
So the healthcare reform law stipulates that providers must offer birth control, which is totally reasonable, unless you believe sperm is a magical elixir and human ova are a tiny little Eucharist.
Although the church itself does not have to provide such health care to its employees, its secular institutions, like Catholic hospitals and Catholic schools, must provide this type of insurance.
I know.
Can you believe it?
Some liberal Jewish lady working in accounting at St. Jude's Hospital wants the pill.
What a Jezebel.
So somebody thought it would be a good idea to stick a microphone in Cardinal Timothy Dolan's mouth.
Cardinal of Boom.
Here it is.
Cardinal of New York saying what the Obamacare is going to mean for him.
These mandates in, we're going to find ourselves faced with a terribly difficult decision as whether or not we can continue to operate.
As part of our religion, it's part of our faith that we feed the hungry, that we educate the kids, that we take care of the sick.
We'd have to give it up because we're unable to fit the description and the definition of a church given by guess who?
The federal government.
Yeah, we're just humble servants of the Lord who are too goddamn powerful to let atheist bureaucrats force us to hand out condoms.
That's what he's saying.
He can't.
So he's going to still.
So by the way, the Catholic charities get over $2 billion a year from the federal government so they can go out and disperse all that charity, right?
Over $2 billion a year.
That's a lot of money.
That's based on the teachings of Jesus, which was to feed the clothe the hungry and feed the poor, unless there's some kind of technicality on a piece of paper.
And then don't, by all means, don't do it because then you're going against your religion.
Right.
So he'd rather see poor kids go hungry and the sick die than provide condoms to somebody.
So I think that's what God said.
If condoms are involved, let people die.
And their idea of birth control was to molest people who hadn't hit puberty.
But what he's saying is our religion teaches us to feed the poor and educate the children, but mostly to fight all forms of social progress.
Really, that's what he said.
That's their main thing.
Whatever they find, that's their main goal.
And I, you know, I had trouble following that logic too, what with being illogical and all.
But what the Cardinal is saying is that if they are required to offer birth control to its lay employees, it would be so immoral that they would have to shut down all those institutions because the federal government is under some crazy delusion that a hospital is not a church and a school isn't a church.
Isn't that crazy?
What's he?
What do you what he's saying is God wants us to do good works, but not if it means a tiny percentage of the insurance we provide to our employees might stop one sperm from eating an egg.
That, sir, is a bridge too far.
So he had one more quote.
Here's the Cardinal.
We don't want this fight.
My Lord, we just want to be left alone to do the work that we feel Jesus asked us to do.
Yeah, really?
Left alone.
Can I ask you, do you want to be left alone before you collect the $2 billion?
Or do you want to be left alone after you collect the $2 billion?
Because I'm pretty sure he's still going to collect the $2 billion.
So what he's really saying is we're going to collect the money.
We're just not going to disperse it.
We're just going to be, we're not going to give it out to the poor people who need it.
We're not going to help this.
We're going to still have the money, but screw those people.
Can't the Catholic Church come up with a solution to this?
Like, for instance, they could just say you can only use you can't use contraceptions on Friday.
It's like they do with meat.
Yeah.
Kind of like that.
I got every single day.
Hey, same kind of thing, right?
No meat in the mouth.
Because that was a sacred tenant of the church for years that you would go to hell if you ate meat on Friday.
And then one day they just said, hey, it's okay.
It's okay now.
Forget about that.
Turns out we got some donations from the cattle industry.
And it turns out beef, it's what's for dinner.
Okay, and now back by popular demand is our phone conversation we had with Herman Kane back in March.
Here we go.
Talking with Godfather CEO and former presidential candidate Herman Kane, friend of the show.
Herman, how are you, buddy?
I'm doing good.
How you doing, Jimmy?
What you wearing?
Herman, cut it out.
What's your wife wearing right now?
Herman, come on.
I thought we left that in the past.
What's all your little nieces wearing?
They need a job.
Herman, what's that?
So what's on your mind today?
I want to know why you're coming down so hard on George Zimmerman.
Well, George, you mean he chased down and shot and killed a black kid.
That's what I'm saying.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
We don't know the entire story.
What do you mean?
He was a maniac vigilante with a history of violence and an itchy trigger finger, and he was told explicitly by the cop not to follow that kid.
He did it anyway and then killed him.
What else do you mean?
What if Trayvon was flirting with a white woman?
What if he was flirting with a white woman?
You can't do that.
Herman, you know that's not illegal anymore, right?
Sure, technically it's legal, but we both know it ain't.
Look what happened to my black ass.
We all know that ain't legal.
Herman, are you going to blame it on the fact that you're black and those women were white?
And if you do it, they'll get you.
What do you mean?
They don't have to wait for no cop either.
Who's they?
They can't flirting with a white woman.
You can be taken down by a Jewish Mexican from the pre-10 neighborhood.
Watch.
That's how low down the poll is beat.
All right, Herman, I don't want to get into that.
Listen, what's with the new video that you just released with the girl placing a black bunny on a catapult?
And then some Stephen Colbert looking guy shoots it with a shotgun.
Well, I have been out of the spotlight for a while and I miss it.
So I thought in light of the Trayvon Martin shooting, this would be the perfect time for me to release my video of a white guy shooting a black bunny.
And by the way, it's not a catapult.
It's a trebuchet.
Ain't you seen the 100 years war?
No, I never did.
So you don't care if this bunny video inflames racial tensions that are already reaching a boiling point?
No, I do not.
It only pisses off liberals and black folks.
Who cares about them?
I care about what the white guy with the money thinks.
Maybe after this video of a white guy shooting a black bunny, they will give me full membership in the White Guy Privilege Club.
And I'll be invited to Davos next year.
Okay, Herman, I don't see that.
Yeah, I don't see that happening, Herman.
Do you really think they're going to happen?
Yeah, I know.
That's my life mission.
Oh, man, I've been eating mayonnaise and listening to the Dave Matthews band before I try to fit in with these motherfuckers.
Herman, I just.
I've been in a rush.
You ever heard that bullshit?
Yes, I have.
You've been listening to Rush.
You have to fit in with these people.
You mean, you mean, Rush, the talk?
No, I love.
Oh, hold on.
I love Rush Limbaugh.
But I have to pretend that I love Rush.
Have you heard all of 2112?
Yeah.
Yeah, I hate it.
I hate it.
Yeah.
I know.
You listen to music I wish I could listen to.
These songs about booty.
I can't listen to that publicly anymore.
No, I like it.
I'm old school.
Teddy Pendergrass, Rolls-Royce.
All over my jams.
Yes, me and you.
That's why we're friends.
Herman, you and I, we have a lot in common.
We bonded over that.
And now I have to listen to stuff that all your old friends in Southside Chicago listen to.
Is it really that bad, though, Herman?
I mean, come on, it's music.
White crap.
So, Herman, I mean, I don't understand.
Why do you want white people to accept you and like you somehow?
Well, you see, a lot of us have been jockeying for the position of black savior of the Republican Party.
And what that means is some black dude to come along and say, hey, no discrimination.
Y'all don't need to feel guilty about nothing that happened in the past.
And I'm living proof of it.
They want that person so bad they can taste it.
And I want to be that dude.
Didn't they already try that?
It was for a while.
It looked like it was going to be Michael Steele, but he's too much of an idiot.
For a while, it looked like it was going to be me, but I can't keep my fingertips off of white.
I messed up.
I've got to come back.
You know what?
What is it about?
Why couldn't you keep it in your face?
What is it about all you guys who have to have all these women all the time and then you want to be in public office?
I can't keep my hands off white women, Jimmy.
I can't do it.
It's killing me.
Imagine if Superman constantly wanted to kryptonite.
How messed up his life would be.
That would be messed up.
And that tough that you have that.
You know what?
We love you over here at the Jimmy Doer show, though.
I mean, I think that you were the best case.
Thanks, Jimmy.
I appreciate it.
Do you accept me?
I accept you like a white person.
I really do.
You're a pretty white dude.
Yes, I am.
And you, I don't like.
We start small.
Move on forward.
Okay.
What about those other white dudes sitting next to you?
Do they accept me?
I'm guaranteeing you, everybody accepts you here at the Jimmy Door show, just like anybody else.
Honest, we love you, Herman.
That makes my heart feel warm, Jimmy.
Oh, that's good.
You say stuff like that.
When white people say, I love you.
Yes.
Nothing makes me feel like that.
Okay.
I love you.
We love you.
Oh, okay.
Do you have any white women turning around that you could email me?
Herman, okay.
We'll talk to you later.
Thanks for calling in again.
We miss you.
Okay, white women.
I mean, goodbye.
Okay.
Okay.
Herman Kane calling it.
It's a Jimmy Door show on Pacifica.
We'll see you June 30th.
That's a Saturday night, June 30th at the Melrose Improv Lab over on Melrose Avenue in Hollywood for Left, Right and Ridiculous.
Left, Right, and Ridiculous with all your favorites, Frank Connoff, David Feldman on the panel, Paul Gilmartin doing his jackass character.
And we'll have some special guests.
That's Left, Right, and Ridiculous, June 30th.
That's a Saturday.
Links are over at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Today's show was written by Mike McRae, Frank Conniff, Steve Rosenfield, Robert Yasamura, and Steph Zamarano.
And I want to thank, give a shout out to the two fellows who do a great job helping the show by lending their talents to the show.
Our first up is Frank Pulaski, who takes some of the phone calls we do, and he puts some hilarious video to him.
If you haven't seen him, you should.
I post them over at our YouTube page, Jimmy Door's YouTube page.
Plus, we put them up at the website and we put them up at facebook.com.
Big thanks to Frank Pulaski for doing the video.
And a big thanks for it.
God, he saved my ass again this week.
Sean, Sean James, you want some help?
You need somebody to help fix your Macintosh over the computer.
I mean, over the internet, he can do it.
It's amazing.
You should watch it.
And you can get a hold of Sean James at MacHelp at SeanJames.com.
And he spells his name S-H-A-U-N.
Big thanks to Sean for a big help.
Again, this week on the show.
Okay, that's our show.
Thanks for listening.
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