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May 11, 2012 - Jimmy Dore Show
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The whole country's in a tizzy over gay marriage.
And congratulations, America.
It only took three and a half years for the first black president to say out loud that discriminating against other people is wrong.
But then again, North Carolina voted to double ban gay marriage.
And it's so heartwarming that there are still parts of the country that hold on to the old-fashioned American values of denying citizens their dignity, humanity, and basic civil rights.
And have you ever been to North Carolina?
More closet cases than a Tennessee Williams play.
You would need a closet the size of South Carolina to fit them all into.
And guess what?
I say the smartest thing Republicans could do is allow gays to get married.
Because judging from my old friends, what'll happen is they get married, they'll move to the suburbs, put up a white picket fence, and immediately start voting Republican.
It could be their new Southern strategy.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for lefties.
The kind of people that are on Tearing Down Our Nation.
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to your T-Vales.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Everybody, welcome to this week's episode.
I am joined in studio.
To my right, we have a new cast member sitting in on the panel today.
It's Suzanne Monk from the Monk Junket at monkjunket.com.
It's a great topical news show, right?
Yeah, it's a topical news show, and I do all the characters.
It's a one-woman show, and I play all the pundits, correspondents.
Everybody are actually just me.
Yeah, Cena, I have to bring in a lot of other people.
I don't have that much skill.
Okay, that's Suzanne Monk at monkjunket.com sitting in with us today.
And we're going to find out what her political bent is.
And I think I know what it is already.
Buddy, if you think Paul Gilmartin pumps the purple pedal, get ready, ladies and gentlemen.
Next to her from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and cinematictitanic.com, it's Frank Connoff.
Hey, Frank, how are you?
Hello there.
You look good, Frank.
Frank's got his new videos up from Zaladin.com.
Check those out.
We'll tweet those.
Those are great.
Thank you.
And that's putting you to buy a new house now here.
I hear you because I'm actually getting paid.
You're getting paid to do things on the internet.
That's unbelievable.
Next to him, a hilarious comedian from Team Yasamura.
It's Robert Yasamura.
Hey, Robert.
What's going on?
How's the antidepressants?
Got you a little sleepy?
Yeah.
A little sleepy, but not suicidal.
So I'm going to go with it.
That's good.
That's good.
All right.
So what's coming up?
So what's happening, right?
So we got a lot of new movies that have been coming out.
The Avengers is out.
And I say forget the Avengers and see the vegans.
It's about superheroes who bore villains to death by droning on about their dairy-free diets.
And you know what?
The GOP has their own version of The Avengers.
Did you know there?
In the GOP's version of The Avengers, billionaire Tony Stark refuses to become Iron Man and save the world until he gets more tax breaks.
That's right.
And to save his, hey, John Edwards is on trial.
John Edwards finally gone to trial.
And to save his reputation, John Edwards must prove he didn't violate campaign finance laws while cheating on his dying wife.
So, it's going to be a tough reputation saver there.
And guess what?
A lot of anti-gay bills passing recently.
Tennessee just banned what they call gateway sexual activity.
What?
Yes, Tennessee banned like handholding, right, and hugging.
That's what they call gateway sexual activity.
They banned it, but not gateway stupid activity like living in Tennessee.
Okay.
That's a real thing.
That really happened.
Okay, we'll talk about it.
And hey, guess what?
Big news today.
The president, president, the president of Barack Obama came out of the closet as a man who supports marriage between people who've come out of the closet.
Isn't that nice?
Yay.
Again, last night, Amendment 1, Amendment 1, it was called, Amendment 1 was passed in North Carolina, which narrowly defined marriage as a union between a bigot and a North Carolinian.
So what's coming up?
We got phone calls today, right?
Guess what we did?
We dipped into the archives of KPFK, the old complaint line, and we got some complaints from 30, 40, even 300 years ago.
We got one from 300 years ago.
So that's going to call in.
Plus, we have, you know, there's a new underwear bomber that they caught, right?
So the new underwear bomber.
So I sit down with an imam, Iman Akbag Abdullah, and we talk about Islam and as if it's a religion of violence or not.
So he straightens us out on that.
Hey, we have okay, that's it.
And then we have our complaints coming up.
That's today.
Oh, what else are we going to talk about?
We're going to talk about the austerity in France, which seems to be over, right?
They got rid of Sarkozy.
We're going to talk about John McCain.
Let's just know how you're supposed to pick a vice president.
He's got some guidelines on how to pick a vice president.
And Mitt Romney, by God, guess what?
All those things he was against.
He was against killing Osama bin Laden.
He was against the bailout.
He's now for them.
We're going to talk about that.
Plus, Luger, Senator Luger, got knocked out by a teabagger in Indiana.
And we're going to talk about, he wasn't conservative enough.
He wasn't conservative enough.
This guy wasn't.
Okay, we'll talk about it.
That's coming up today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
Music Time for another installment of Oh My God.
Okay, this week's Oh My God is going to be pretty special.
It's going to be elongated.
So there's a guy down in, doesn't matter, it's in Fayetteville, Louisiana.
And he has some, I'm just going to play it.
He has some advice to you on how to handle your kids if you think they might be gay.
So your little son starts to act a little girlish when he's four years old.
And instead of squashing that like a cockroach and saying, man up, son, get that dress off you and get outside and dig a ditch because that's what boys do.
You get out the camera and you start taking pictures of Johnny acting like a female and then you upload it to YouTube and everybody laughs about it.
And next thing you know, this dude, this kid is acting out childhood fantasies that should have been squashed.
Can I. Okay.
Oh my God.
There's more.
There's more coming.
Can you make it any clearer?
Yes.
Yes, you can.
I have a feeling you're going to make it clear.
Dads.
The second you see your son dropping the limp wrist, you rock over there.
And you give him a hug and you say, no matter what happens, I'm going to love you because I love you unconditionally.
My love isn't dependent on your masculinity or your femininity.
You're a child.
We're all created children of God.
Oh, and also, why are you expressing your homosexuality through a limp wrist?
There's so many better ways we've come up with since then.
It's retro, though.
Yeah, maybe that's it.
Yeah.
So let's see if that's that what he's going to say, you think?
We'll see.
Crack that wrist.
Oh, did not.
No.
Man up.
Man up.
Give him a good punch.
Give him a punch.
Okay, cool.
But if you crack it, it may remain permanently limp.
I mean, i feel like there's a concern here that you will create a permanent injury manning up and this guy literally is saying man up by hitting your children yes hit someone much weaker than you who can't defend themselves man up that's how you become a man oh and by the way if you do man up and go to the military i want you out of there yes i don't want you doing that yeah you can't be limp wristed at the military okay there's more there's more to this you're not gonna act like that you
were made by God to be a male and you're going to be a male.
And when your daughter starts acting too butch.
So you tell her, don't worry, honey.
There's a lot of people like that.
Look at Billie Jean King and there's a don't worry about it.
Rachel Maddow.
Rachel, I still love you.
That doesn't matter.
What is that what he's going to say?
You rein her in.
Oh, no.
And you say, oh, no.
Oh, no, sweetheart.
You can play sports.
Play them.
Play them to the glory of God.
But sometimes you're going to act like a girl and walk like a girl, talk like a girl, smell like a girl.
And that means you're going to be beautiful.
You're going to be attractive.
You're going to dress yourself up.
Right.
Well, I didn't know the great Santini had a church.
By the way, there really is nothing more beautiful than what is obviously a lesbian in a dress.
That is one of the most unfortunate sites I can imagine, actually.
What, a lesbian in a dress?
Depends on the lesbian.
Well, I mean like someone who obviously would be happy to be a lesbian, like in terms of physical appearance.
You mean like a more...
And you've put a dress on them and maybe some lipstick.
That's why you'd like me in a dress because I look like a lesbian.
Okay.
Well, and I think it's kind of counterproductive to their purpose.
They don't want teen pregnancy.
And frankly, I think one of the greatest ways for teenagers to avoid pregnancy is just to have sex with people of the same sex.
There you go.
Because it doesn't result.
There you go.
Well, I just want to know where this guy hides his Bette Midler CDs.
That's what I'm saying.
Because, you know...
Yeah, the lady doth protest too much.
Yeah, he protests way too much.
Or as I like to say, the closeted homosexual doth protest too much.
Yeah, it's probably under his Teen Beat magazine.
He really would.
I'm sure he was a Leif Garrett fan.
And he writes fan fiction about glee.
All right, there's a little bit.
I think there's a little more.
You say, can I take charge like that as a parent?
Yeah, you can.
You're authorized.
I just gave you a special dispensation this morning to do that.
Oh, that is funny.
We go hit our kids.
That's hilarious.
It's funny when he talks about it, you know, and shaming your kids'sexuality.
It's nice.
It's the depth of the spirituality that is involved in encouraging people to beat their kids is just overwhelming.
Yeah.
It's...
I mean, I'm almost going to weep from...
You know, there's nothing better.
Like, if you have a daughter who's butch and you just yell at her.
You just yell, I want you to be pretty!
I think that works.
If you beat your kids enough, sometimes the bruises will start to look like the Virgin Mary.
And then it's a miracle.
Okay, so now there was an outrage about this over the weekend, right?
So it happened.
This clip made its way around, right?
And...
Went viral, as the kids say.
As the kids say.
And so a news reporter tracked this guy down.
And he's got some good excuses or some good...
I'm sure he was very sorry about what he said.
He's very...
Well...
Yeah.
I'm surprised the reporter could make it all the way back to the 1950s.
They have a special teleporter over at ABC.
But no, he's...
You're going to be...
If you think he's going to be sorry, I think you're going to be sadly mistaken.
Okay, here's what he says.
What would you have said differently?
I would say straighten.
That's one thing I would say.
Straighten that wrist.
Straighten that wrist.
Not smack it.
See?
Oh, I see.
Straighten that wrist.
Really, it's a brace that you need.
Some sort of...
Yes, that's what it was.
Some sort of CVS product, really.
Turn it into a SIG Heil.
Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
Yeah.
More of a Hitler salute, right?
And, okay, there's more.
What about the punch remark?
Sure, the punch remark.
You know, it's amazing how punch has been equated to inciting violence against a U.S. You know, by Webster's.
I meant Hawaiian punch.
I love how he says it's amazing to me.
When I said punch your kid, people thought I meant punch their kids.
What's wrong with you?
When you hear a guy screaming, punch your kids, and then all of a sudden you're like, should I punch my kids?
I'm like, what's wrong with you?
What do you think I said?
I said punch your kids.
And you're going to go punch your kids?
Yes, it's amazing how telling people to punch your child if he's gay can be interpreted as if you meant to say punch your kid if he's gay.
Isn't that?
It's amazing.
Well, is punching going to help?
Because if you've watched MMA, I don't know.
You're all gentlemen.
I'm assuming you've watched a few.
It's one of the most homoerotic sports I've ever seen.
Yes, it is.
I don't know that punching him is really going to lead him down a path where he's not grappling other men's genitals.
You know, I do like to watch MMA.
What is MMA?
Mixed martial arts.
It's where they get in the cage and beat the hell out of you.
It's like Ultimate Fighter.
Yeah, wrestling and jiu-jitsu and karate and boxing.
You know what that needs is oil.
Those guys need to be oiled up more.
And then I'll get into it.
Well, and the sumo thong, personally, I think could really make a comeback.
They should just do it nude the way the Greeks did it.
Oh, that is how they did it, didn't they?
Yeah.
Tell me those.
The Greeks did everything nude, though.
And they were having a good time.
They really, you know, that's why they don't have a good time.
And that's what screwed up their economy.
They don't have pensions.
Well, at least that's the impression I get from the pottery that they left us.
It looked like they're partying.
Their favorite show back then was Greek.
Okay, here we go.
You know, I only speak two words in Greek, right?
Ouch and relax.
Okay, here we go.
That's not what I meant.
That's not what he meant.
When you said, give him a good punch, what exactly did you mean?
A shove.
That's much better.
Whenever anyone says punch, they mean shove.
Isn't that just common language?
Common knowledge, right?
So why'd you shove him?
Because he told me to punch him.
First of all, and shoving's so much better.
I meant shove him, maybe elbow him, not punch.
Come on, you guys.
Let's really rein this in.
A little purple nipple, you know.
You can twist it any way you want.
I got to play that again because that was pretty amazing to me.
Okay, ready?
What exactly did you mean?
A shove.
A shove.
An affirmation.
I'll give you an affirmation right across your mouth, you little.
Is there anything more life-affirming than someone using physical violence to shame a child's true nature?
Is there?
Well, he was affirming the nature.
He's literally beating your successfulness into you, I think.
i don't understand how you shove them and issue an affirmation at the same time you did a great job johnny that that's that's very somehow that affirms somehow that affirms your masculinity right he's gonna explain it i think just give their players a good punch yeah he's talking about how coaches give their pay radio i'll do it again an affirmation you see coaches give their players a good punch a good slug it's it's It's a way of affirming the gender distinctions between a male and a female.
Yeah, how else are you going to know if you're a boy or a girl unless you get punched in the right way?
I remember when Weeb Eubank used to haul off on Joan Ameth.
That's the only sports reference I know.
Wow.
So I have to do Weeby.
He got one from 50 years ago.
What he's saying is, don't hug your kid.
That's what he's saying: if you're a man, don't express affection except by physical violence.
By physical violence.
He's like, the only way I know how to affirm is to give him a little shove.
Yeah, get over here.
I love you.
I want to shove you.
Right.
Go over there and give your brother a shove.
Tell him you're sorry.
Well, and to be fair, I think it's good to, you know, not coddle kids.
You know, they fall down.
Right.
But at the same time, I don't understand the gender differentiation in the situation.
That's what really disturbs me: is that not only would you choose to beat your children, but you're beating them differently depending on what genitalia they seem to have.
Yeah, so yeah, I wonder if it, so yeah, he's.
I have a feeling that what this guy's real logic is, is you know how people, when they catch their kids smoking cigarettes, they make them smoke a whole pack.
Maybe that.
I have a feeling when he catches his kid acting gay, he anally has legal sex with him.
Takes them to a Broadway show, makes them put up track lighting.
Just to prove that, you know, just to teach him a lesson.
Makes him, he waxes their eyebrows, makes them read the bell jar.
Yeah.
And then he violates them just to make sure.
Yeah, now you learn your lesson.
And the whole time.
Being gay isn't so fun, is it?
Yeah, no, this is bad, isn't it?
You're not enjoying it.
That's right.
Okay.
Okay, Jerry Sandusky.
Easy.
He's got more to say.
I was apologizing for my failure to say the right thing, to be more careful, to make.
Yeah, so when he said punch, he's apologizing for saying punch instead of shove.
This is literally what his apology is.
Sure that no one thinks that Sean Harris is suggesting, as was said, although I never said this, beat the gay out of children.
You did say punch your kid if he's gay.
Or crack his wrist.
No, he's right there because he doesn't want to suggest that he did that.
He didn't suggest it.
He said it.
There's no suggestion involved.
Right.
There was that.
This is not the, he's not a hypnotist.
Well, and you're not going to.
We've never met before, have we?
You're not going to beat the gay out of them.
You're just going to beat the SM into them.
It's really hard going to do.
Yes, that is true.
Those weren't.
My words.
I didn't even use that.
I don't even believe there are such things as gay children.
So I wasn't saying that.
Again, you guys, how you're twisting my words.
I was dealing with effeminate behavior and instructing parents to affirm the manhood or the womanhood in their children.
So if someone has effeminate behavior, I don't care if he's gay, even if he's straight and he's effeminate.
You hit him.
You hit him.
Listen.
Give him a shove.
If your son wants to do a one-person show about Judy Garland, fine, but not in a dress.
That's right.
I heard a few amens on that recording.
Yeah.
Because they knew what I meant.
Exactly.
They meant hit this kid who's gay.
Now, here's his congregation.
He's always has a little levity into it.
And that's why we all laugh because we know our pastor.
Yeah, we can know.
Because he always puts levity into it.
You know, the levity when you scream at your daughter to be prettier and you punch your kid for being effeminate.
You know, that kind of levity.
this guy has to bring his kid to the emergency room and the doctors always look at him and go oh you're such a kidder laughter laughter laughter music This has been, oh my God.
Oh, my God.
Okay, Mitt Romney.
Everybody loves Mitt Romney, friend of the show.
And everybody's going crazy because he took this question from a woman at a town hall, this African-American lady, and she grabbed the microphone and said this to him.
We have a president right now that is operating outside the structure of our Constitution.
And I want to know.
I want to know.
Yeah, I do agree.
He should be tried for treason.
Well, as I'm sure.
So that's the big deal.
So she says, I agree that he should be tried for treason.
And then Mitt Romney ignored it and said this.
Well, as I'm sure you do, I happen to believe that the Constitution was not just brilliant, but probably inspired.
I believe the same thing about the Declaration of Independence.
Okay, so he...
So he's saying, sure.
So the big scandal is that he didn't correct her, right?
But I say the bigger scandal is that he told a black person that he thought the original Constitution was brilliant and inspired.
Yeah, the document that said she couldn't vote or have any say in how our country was run because she was, you know, not a human being and property of white people.
Yeah, yeah.
That's a brilliant document, isn't it?
And nobody saw the irony in that.
Nobody.
And when I watched his clip, this video clip of Mitt Romney saying that, all I can think is that the Southern strategy is so effective, it even works on black people.
And among the other things Romney thinks is inspired, the Book of Mormon, which says the Garden of Eden was in Missouri.
Black people are inferior.
Native Americans were originally Hebrews, and God issued his last instructions on a series of collectible commemorative plates that could only be read by a known con artist named Joseph Smith.
And then he's defended it later.
Romney defended it by saying, of course I don't.
Of course, somebody said, well, how come you didn't correct her?
Of course I. So I'm just saying his defense shows how deeply cynical he really is.
But hey, you can't correct every accusation of treason that happens right in front of you.
What do you think?
He's Superman or something.
On a side note, historically, working outside the Constitution is a specialty of the executive office.
But it's nice that people are suddenly taking an interest in that stuff.
Even McCain showed more integrity than Romney in the face of his uninformed Republican electorate.
And that alone should tell you how soulless Romney's ambition is.
Yes.
Well, I like that he finds the Constitution brilliant.
What was the other word?
Brilliant and inspired.
Maybe he doesn't really find it relevant.
It's probably the problem that would improve the situation.
It may be brilliant, but I think both Bush and Obama have done things outside of the Constitution.
There were people who called for Bush to be tried for treason when he obviously misled us into the war in Iraq.
And I think we were misled into Libya.
So, frankly, if we're going to start trying presidents for treason, we could go back a few.
We can go back to the children's family.
Every single one.
There was a new underwear bomber, and so the CIA broke up the plan before it happened again, which is really nice to hear.
I guess they, I don't know.
I'm not mad about it.
but I did, you know, that brings up people go, well, you know, it's this Islam.
It's a religion of violence, right?
And so I called, I called up an Imam, right?
And we had a little conversation about it.
And here's how it went.
Okay, I'm speaking with Imam Ahmed Al-Abdu Abdullah.
And we're, you know, hi, thanks.
Thanks for being on the show.
I appreciate you taking time out.
Yes, you're welcome.
Thank you for having me on the program.
So, can you, you know, a lot of people, a lot of critics of Islam say that Islam creates a lot of terrorists.
And this last underwear bomber is a perfect example of that.
What is it about your religion that kind of fosters terrorists?
Well, it is not the fault of the religion.
I can tell you that the vast majority of devout Muslims thank Allah for the failure of this attack.
These sorts of violence, these sorts of attacks are not a part of their religion.
People who misuse Islam misunderstand Islam and the teachings of Muhammad.
Be unto him, they do not understand.
Islam is a religion of peace.
Islam is about peace.
That is the foundation of Islam.
Okay.
Okay, but a lot of people would quote from the Quran and say that it's not actually a religion of peace.
They would say, for instance, I'll quote you right now.
The Quran 8:12 says, I will cast terror into the hearts of those who disbelieve, therefore strike off their heads and strike off every fingertip of them.
Now, that seems pretty violent to me.
Now, how do you twist that into not being violent?
Oh, okay.
Yes.
Are you familiar with alternative comedy?
Yes, I am.
Yes, well, for example, say Sarah Silverman.
Are you familiar with Sarah Silverman?
I'm very familiar with Sarah Silverman.
Yes, I'm a big fan of hers as well.
And as you know, on stage, she plays a character as someone who says horrible things.
And by virtue of her saying these horrible things, she shows how horrible they actually are.
That's how it works.
But it's very similar with the Quran.
The Quran is saying these things ironically.
At this point in the Quran, it is doing a character of a scripture that would get the followers to do violent things.
So thereby showing how horrible violent things are.
The people who take these passages literally do not have a sense of irony.
Oh, so it had a little had like a vein of alternative comedy inside it.
Yes, this is sort of in the vanguard of Quranic studies, reading the Quran through the crism of modern American alternative comics.
So Allah knew that one day we would have alternative comedy starting in the mid-90s and that it would then be correctly interpreted, but we'd have to wait till somewhere late in the 20th century.
Yes, this is the victim of Allah.
He foresaw everything.
He's forestalling it at noon alounch.
The whole Mr. Shaw thing, you know, he saw it all and embedded it in the Quran.
Sense of humor.
So it is hard to understand why these are not to be meant literally, but a scholar such as myself will understand this.
Oh, well, okay, so it's just tough to know what you're supposed to take literally and what is actually ironic since there's no.
This is the challenge of faith, my friend.
What religion are you?
Well, I was raised a Roman Catholic, but I'm not, I no longer subscribe to any religion.
You have no religion.
No, no, no religion for me.
Well, you are no better than a dog.
Fires be upon you.
Wait a minute.
Whoa, whoa, what did you just say?
Oh, you are no better than a dog.
Fires be upon you.
Common thing that we say.
Is that more of the opposite?
Do you mean the opposite of what you said?
Or is that irony?
Oh, no, that is literal.
It is very tricky.
Yes, I can see how it's tricky.
Definitely.
Like tricky in a bad way, right?
No, not if you know what you're doing.
Okay.
Well, because a lot of people would say then again that you're advocating violence there with the fires.
Okay.
I'm not saying, I'm not telling people to set the fires.
I'm saying, God willing, you will be consumed by fire.
Yes, not that any human agency will immolate you, but you know, you will catch on fire somehow.
You know, this really seems like you're splitting hairs here.
It really seems like you're kind of on board for violence.
And then when you're called on it, you kind of...
Religion of peace is a religion of peace.
And if you do not believe that, may Allah tie ropes to your four limbs and the other end to angry goats, each facing an oasis, and may they run and pull your body asunder, praise be upon Allah.
Okay, well, I have to go.
Enjoy your time.
Okay, thank you for taking time out with us.
That was Imam Ahmed Al-Abdullah.
Thank you very much, Shamam.
I will see you at the South Next Your South by Southwest.
An alternative comedy slash Quranic interpretation.
Oh, that sounds great.
Is there going to be a DVD?
Yes, and also podcasts and MP3s.
Okay, thank you, Imam.
Thank you.
Out.
Out.
Thank you.
Okay, special thanks to Mike McRae for the Imam character.
That was hilarious.
I hope you enjoyed it.
I want to remind everybody, if you like that kind of comedy, May 20th.
That's right, May 20th is the next left, right, and ridiculous show.
What is the left, right, and ridiculous?
It's a raucous blend of stand-up sketch and video clips of today's celebrities and politicians and talking heads saying some of the dumbest shit you've ever heard in your life.
And that's May 20th.
Where is it?
It's at the Improv Lab and Melrose and Crescent Heights in Hollywood.
And there's a link to that show at my website, JimmyDoorComedy.com.
If you've been to one of those shows, you know why it was called the funniest show in Los Angeles.
And if you haven't been to that show, why haven't you?
Get out to the show.
May 20th, not this Sunday, but next Sunday.
This Sunday's Mother's Day, the next Sunday, you come down to the Improv Lab 8 p.m. show.
You see me, Frank Connor from Mystery Science 3000.
David Feldman will be there.
Paul Gilmartin doing his jackass Republican character, Representative Richard Martin, plus lots more sketches and a lot more stuff.
Tickets are very affordable, $10.
And there's a link for tickets at my website, JimmyDoorComedy.com, right on the upper right-hand side of the page.
Special thanks to everybody who took advantage of the Pro Flowers promotion we ran last week for Mother's Day.
Thank you very much.
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Okay, thanks for supporting progressive comedy on the Jimmy Door show.
And now let's get back to the second half.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome back to the Jimmy Door Show.
I'm joined in studio from themonkjunket.com.
It's Suzanne Monk, ladies and gentlemen.
I almost said Suzanne Junkett.
What's wrong with me today?
Next to her from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Cinematic Titanic.com, it's Frank Coniff.
And from Team Yasimura, it's hilarious comedian Robert Yasimura.
What's coming up on the second half of today's show?
We're going to have some phone calls, right?
We got some.
I went into the archives over at KPFK and we found some old complaints about the radio station we're going to play coming up.
Plus, Mitt Romney calls in because he wants to straighten out this.
We're going to get right to it.
Mitt Romney, you know that he flip-flops on everything, right?
So even on the Osama bin Laden killing, he was against that initially.
He said this about that.
I do not concur in the words of Barack Obama in a plan to enter an ally of ours in their country in a manner complete with bombing and so forth.
Yeah, so he was against going into Pakistan.
That was what that was about.
He didn't agree with going into a foreign country that was our friend and pulling off a military maneuver.
So he was against it.
Okay, and then, but now.
Of course, I would have ordered taking out a summer bin Laden.
First of all, he said bin Luden, which I don't trust the guy who says the terrorist behind the cough draw.
Oh, Frank, it got to it first.
Okay, very good.
Of course, I would have ordered taking out a sum of bin Laden.
Had I been president of the United States, I would have made the same decision the president made, which was to remove him.
Yep, even though I said I wouldn't before.
Okay, so he's really getting good at this, right?
Because he said this about the Detroit bailout.
He said this in 2008.
There's no question but that if you just write a check that you're going to see these companies go out of business ultimately.
Okay, so then here was the next spring from in 2009.
He said this.
Bailouts of enterprises that are in trouble.
That's not the right way to go.
Okay, so this is later that same year.
And I know President Bush started it with the auto industry.
I thought it was a mistake.
My view with regards to the bailout was that whether it was by President Bush or by President Obama, it was the wrong way to go.
That was November of 2011, right there.
That's when he said that.
He said that in November of 2011.
After the auto industry had recovered.
Yes.
The bailouts were a mistake.
Okay, so there you go.
Don't you have any proof that he said that he said this?
But now he says this.
I pushed the idea of a managed bankruptcy.
And finally, when that was done and help was given, the companies got back on their feet.
So I'll take a lot of credit for the fact that this industry's come back.
Okay, so that's Mitt Romney.
And first of all, you didn't invent the idea of Detroit going through a managed bankruptcy.
Pretty much everyone who's looked closely at the auto industry since the 70s has thought that substantial restructuring was necessary, okay?
We all started thinking that around the time made the Pinto.
You're not a genius.
Second of all, Mitt, you were suggesting a free market bankruptcy, which would have been the end of GM and Chrysler because no one was going to lend them a goddamn penny.
Thirdly, just because you put your thoughts down in an op-ed doesn't make it your plan.
I know this because I've published several op-eds.
Hey, what if they sold fluff and peanut butter mixed together?
That was my op-ed.
But no one calls this.
And no one calls that the Jimmy Door plan, Frank.
Okay.
And lastly, you weren't president when this happened, Mitt.
You didn't do any of the negotiating or politicking required to make this happen.
Okay.
So that's why I just want to get that.
Sure.
May I have another Fluffer Nutter peanut butter?
You know, I actually called Mitt Romney or we had a conversation and he had this to say.
Okay, this is me and me.
I'm here with Mitt Romney.
Hi, Mitt.
How are you doing?
Well, I'm doing a little, I'm a little under the weather, to be honest with you.
Oh, yeah, I can hear you got a little frog in your throat.
Yes, I do.
So if it sounds weird, don't get all fretty.
Don't fret about it.
Okay, I'm not fretting.
Say, oh, by the way, just curious, how did you get your pathetic little ham radio studio today?
I'm pretty sure it was by car.
And you can thank me for that because I saved the auto industry.
Okay, Mitt, start off with a little humor.
Very nice.
Hey, look, buddy.
If I hadn't read an op-ed piece that advocated doing exactly the opposite of what President Obama did to save the auto industry, the auto industry would have never been saved.
Mitt, where do you get that from?
I mean, the balls it takes to say that is remarkable.
Well, this has been confirmed by every economic expert on my payroll.
Well, I guess that settles it then.
Why won't anybody give me credit for all the great things I said I would never do and then took credit for doing?
It's a head scratcher, Mitt.
Or how about all the things I did do, but won't admit to doing?
Like what?
Well, Buster, a lot of people give me credit for passing a health care law in Massachusetts.
That's pretty much exactly like Obamacare.
Yes, most people certainly give you credit for that one.
But no one will give me credit for all the effort I've put into denying that I ever did that.
It takes a lot of courage to keep saying that anybody with an internet search engine can instantly discover is a lie.
Courage is one way to describe it.
Lying would be another.
Jimmy, anyone can oppose abortion and support gun rights.
But it takes the fortitude of a born leader to support abortion to get elected president after you oppose it to get elected governor.
Again, not sure if fortitude or leader are the best ways to describe.
Maybe a better way would be spineless and a panderer.
And how many people can say they have pandered to both the gun lobby and the anti-gun lobby?
One.
Jimmy, I'm not pregnant.
I will suck up to any American, whether they be white, black, Asian, or Hispanic.
But I will also deport any people that don't belong here, whether they be Hispanic.
Whether they be Hispanic or what else?
No, no, that's it.
Okay.
Just Brown.
I got it.
Look, I noticed the other day, you didn't say anything when a supporter at a rally said that President Obama should be tried for treason.
Jimmy, I respect the American people so much that I try not to ever denigrate them, even though most of the mouthbreakers who come to my rallies are total douchebags.
I always try to be positive.
So rather than call out ignorance and bigotry, I try to use it to my advantage in a proactive way.
The racism I ignore today will one day be the racism I put into practice once I'm elected president.
Okay, makes sense.
My wife is picking him up in her Cadillac to give me a ride to her other Cadillac.
Thank God I saved the auto industry, huh?
Okay, Mitt.
Well, I don't know if you explained enough stuff here, but thanks for chatting anyway.
Okay, Jimmy.
Thanks a lot, and have a great summer.
I hope it stops.
Oh, Mitt, that's swell.
You too, buddy, right back at you.
Okay, go yourself.
Whoa, whoa.
Okay.
So there was an election in Indiana last night, and Tamarin Hall has this question.
Is the unquestionable defeat of Republican Senator Dick Luger of Indiana proof that moderate Republicans are on the verge of extinction?
Yes, that is actually proof.
Yes, it's proof because Dick Luger has been a senator there for, I don't know, 40 or 50 years.
36 years.
I was close.
So here's, well, Harry, I'm going to play you a clip.
So here is Dick Luger from when they were trying to pass Obamacare, and they're asking him, how come you're not on board?
Don't you think people need health care?
And here's what he said.
War is terribly important.
Jobs in our economy are terribly important.
So this may be an audacious suggestion, but I would suggest we put aside the health care debate until next year, the same way we put cap and trade and climate change and talk now about the essentials, the war and money.
That guy, not conservative.
That guy, not conservative enough, right?
That guy, that guy who said, the only thing we should be talking about is war and money.
And you can't, because healthcare, apparently, not essential.
That was what he said.
Okay, so that guy's not conservative enough.
Here's the guy who beat him, Murdoch.
Oh, Murdoch.
Murdock.
Mordock.
Murdock?
Yes, M-O-U-R-D.
Like from Harry Potter or something, right?
Yeah, exactly.
He's like a token.
He's a muggle.
And so the thing that people had, they said that Luger wasn't conservative enough because he would actually work with Democrats on legislation they had both agreed on, which is a big no-no these days with those guys.
And so here's what he had to say.
They asked him, well, are you going to work?
Are you going to work in a bipartisan manner?
And he said this, Mudak.
Mordak.
Mordak?
Mordach said this.
I certainly think that bipartisanship ought to consist of Democrats coming to the Republican point of view.
There you go.
That guy's going to be a hit in Washington.
That's going to get so much done.
He's going to get.
Well, we'll see.
Now he has to still beat the Democrats.
Right.
And some are saying that this is a break for the Democrats.
Now they have a chance of taking that stage.
It can be a statement.
So it's good that the Tea Party loves guns so much that they're willing to shoot themselves in the foot.
Ah.
Well, I think it's interesting because we have a lot of people who've been in Congress a really, really long time.
And for every year that you're in Congress, you get richer and richer and richer because you can provide more favorites.
So I think that we're going to, on both sides of the aisle, have to go through this process of filtering out longtime politicians who are going to seem more moderate.
So I agree that he's probably more conservative than what we're getting, but I think that's going to happen on both sides of the aisle for a little while until we get the corrupt people that have been handing out the money.
I heard a statistic.
You know what?
Not that he's been in for a long time, but he survived the teapot dome scandal.
So I would think that he would have survived this.
Well, finally, you know, actually, so finally, Suzanne, we find something we can disagree on a little.
I think actually that the Republican Party has been swinging to the right ever since Ronald Reagan.
And in fact, that 70% or 70 of the 100 senators in the Senate have been elected after Bill Clinton's impeachment trial.
So what that means, somebody made that point this morning, I think I'm Morning Joe, because I like to watch Morning Joe right before I go to sleep.
I like to go to sleep angry.
And so somebody made that point that they're even more farther to the right.
And I would agree because even someone who's considered a liberal Democrat, which a lot of people would say Barack Obama is, he is actually a kind of a 70s Republican.
He's a moderate Republican.
He's a moderate Republican.
He really is.
He's not for regulating the banks.
He's not for doing anything to oil companies.
He's for cutting Medicare.
He's for raising.
So those are really moderate, I would say, right-wing positions or moderate Republican positions.
And I think what the problem is that the Republicans are actually, it's working.
They're getting purity in their party.
They actually are getting it, whereas the Democrats aren't.
We still have, you know, in France, they just voted out austerity and they voted back in.
So what's happening in Europe is that the bankers crash the economy and then they're going to take it out of the hides of the working people, right?
So it's your fault.
That'll never happen here.
That'll never happen here.
But guess what?
So now we see how it's, so England's in a double-dip recession because they instituted austerity.
Spain is in a double-ditch.
So now people are getting, are realizing that, hey, austerity doesn't work when you're in a recession.
That's not what you're supposed to do.
Because we've been pretending since 2008 that there isn't a template for how to deal with this.
We're pretending that there isn't an FDR.
There wasn't a new deal.
The idea that now or the last couple years is the time to have a debate about the debt ceiling and stuff like that.
It's just crazy.
Yes, it's exactly right.
But it's because Republicans have purity now in their party.
I think that's not true.
I think they've actually gone the opposite way.
They spend more and more money, much like their Democratic counterparts.
They invade more and more countries without authorization.
They take more and more power for the federal government from the individual person and from the states.
So I actually think they become more and more similar and not more and more wrongly.
I think right or left isn't really the question anymore.
It's a matter of whether you want the state to be in control and how much power you want the president to have and how much power you don't want the president to have.
By the way, George W. Bush, who did so much to create the world that we're living in right now and is part of the anti-government intervention, gets $1.3 million a year in taxpayers' money for phone calls, for his staff.
Really?
All presidents get taxpayer money, but he gets the most of anyone.
Like Bill Clinton gets like $750,000.
It's like a lot of money for all the presidents that it's in the law was passed in 1958 because Harry Truman was broke when he left the presidency.
I mean, he didn't have any money.
So they passed this law.
But it just seems to me that someone like George W. Bush, who makes a lot of money from speaking fees, would, if he was so principled about this, he'd say, I'm not going to take any more of the taxpayers' money just so I can make long-distance phone calls, which is what he spends the money on.
But you're actually making Suzanne's point, right?
That they're not, he actually isn't a conservative.
And that said, well, that is a good point that she made because you're right.
Well, I agree, it starts with Reagan, too.
He's the one who started us in a spending war with the Russians.
So as much as he's a conservative president, he also invented bloating the budget and creating deficits in order to engage in the surplus we've ever had has been under Clinton and before that under other Democratic presidents.
They have done those statistics that the economy does better under Democratic presidents.
Now, there's a lot that goes into that.
You know, there's cyclical of the economy and stuff like that.
But Ronald Reagan did, you know, pioneer.
Dick Cheney said, you know, Reagan proved deficits don't matter.
What he meant was they don't matter in the at the same time.
He suggested deficits don't matter.
I don't know if he proved they don't matter.
I'm saying, oh yeah, I didn't mean to say he proved it.
Or he said that.
Yeah.
But I think what he meant was that they don't matter to the electorate, that you can go ahead and deficit spend and it's not going to hurt you.
And George Bush did get elected twice.
So maybe it's who knows.
I don't think people really connect with the deficit until something's missing in their life.
The deficit.
No, the deficit is fuel for what they already do.
Right.
So if I'm out of a job and I hear a politician come on the news and say it's because there's a deficit, I go, well, then we got to get rid of that deficit.
And so that's why Barack Obama needs to fight against that.
Well, what you were saying about the purity of the Republicans as opposed to the Democrats, the Republicans, it just came out in a book last week that the day after Obama was inaugurated, they had this big dinner with Karl Rove and Frank Lonson and Nick Ingridge and all these Republican congressmen and senators, and they decided at this dinner, we're not going to let Barack Obama pass anything.
We're going to stand in his way for everything.
And they've actually done that.
They have done.
But in contrast, when we went to a war with Iraq, Harry Reed and Nancy Pelosi were shining the silver platter that they handed everything to George W. Bush on.
They gave Bush everything he wanted to go to war.
Well, it's the classic spineless Democrats, right?
I mean, that's why, I mean, I would call myself a Democrat if it wasn't for the people who are Democrats.
And, you know, maybe it's ironic that Mitt Romney is so spineless and he's their candidate because you could make the argument that Republicans have integrity in terms of their crazy beliefs because it seems like they're willing to lose so that they can stand up against contraception and against birth control and against women voters, all these things that are going to hurt them.
Are they still standing up against women voters?
Is that a situation?
Yes.
They're against suffrage.
They are.
I think they're actually totally divided.
I think the constitutional conservative movement has completely split the Republican Party viciously in half.
I think mainstream Republicanism is desperately trying to hold on to the grip.
And what they're having is more and more actual voters come out and say, you don't live up to your promises and you spend a bunch of money and take away our freedoms.
And that's a conflict.
I think that's going to happen in the Democratic Party, too, because we see more and more disenfranchisements and disillusionment about Obama's promises and what he was going to bring.
But mainstream Republic isn't extreme, Republican extremism in the main, isn't that the mainstream now?
Isn't the extremists?
No, I actually think the Tea Party is not the mainstream.
And I think the mainstream Republicans are the more extreme Republicans because they are the ones who are talking about the abortion issue and all the social issues.
Most of your Tea Party conservatives really just want to talk about fiscal issues.
That's what they want to talk about.
So why, you know what?
So if the liberal Democrats are for bank deregulation, I mean, for bank regulation and splitting up the banks.
And the Tea Party seemed to also be upset at the too big to fail, right?
They're upset with the bailouts.
So how come that didn't happen?
I think it's a method thing.
The Democrats usually want to use government to change that.
And the Tea Party is very questioned as to the government's effectiveness in doing that.
It's not just making regulations that then help their families.
That's the stupidity, though, of the Tea Party, is that they think that you can break up the banks.
You can have competition in the United States without regulation.
They think that that's possible.
They don't realize the point of capitalism is it will always seek its own ends.
It will always seek its own power.
And monopolies are an inevitable outcome of that.
Whether they happen because you interact with the government.
I mean, again and again, we've seen monopolies happen because the government invested in money.
The railroad monopoly happened because governments invested money in those private companies to build the railroads.
So the relationship between government and capitalism is, in my mind, what creates monopolies.
And I would say that we can disagree, but there are instances where, yes, that's true in terms of a lot of industrial concerns that only the federal government can afford the military-industrial complex for one.
But, you know, the thing is, is that we went from dozens and dozens and dozens of national banks in this country down to basically three.
Yeah.
And that is because it is the nature of a company to eliminate its competition.
It is in the nature of a corporation to.
I think we also specifically created regulations that made it easier and easier for the larger banks to buy out and own many of the banks.
And frankly, the bank bailout consolidated a huge amount of banks.
We paid so that big banks could afford to buy out these smaller banks.
And we didn't bother to bail out.
Right.
That's our concern.
That's my concern.
Right.
So I would say if, you know.
So are you for government regulations, like breaking up the banks?
I don't know how the government is necessarily going to be able to do that with regulation.
I think we need to be very careful on how we make the regulations because what seems to happen is both parties get in and make regulations that help their batch of friends.
Who are you with?
Are you for the reinstitution of Glass-Steagall?
I have heard reasonable things about Glass-Steagall.
I think we need to, if we're going to regulate banks, we need to create that not in a bureaucracy situation like the SEC, but actual laws that put you in jail if you break the law.
It would be nice if someone went to jail from Wall Street once in a while.
It would be nice.
Okay, you know what?
We got to get these phone calls because I went into the KPFK archives.
And, you know, because I feel bad, people write into my show because they get upset, they get offended.
And it's always because they don't understand the context of the joke.
it seemed to me that they're always getting it wrong, that they think we're trying to be offensive towards a minority group, and we're not.
We're trying to shine a light on ignorance.
Okay, so here, actually, I went into this.
So here is somebody who had a complaint from about 40 years ago.
They called up.
Yeah.
Yes.
Hello.
I would let you complain about something I heard on the radio there.
You had a gentleman on, a so-called comedian named Henny Youngman.
I'm sure you're familiar.
Well, I was extremely offended by his act.
At one point, he literally implored the crowd, the audience, to quote, take his wife because she is some sort of property or shadow that can just be passed off to disinterested, drunken comedy club patrons, like in the Middle Ages.
I was deeply and very deeply hurt about this.
It takes women's rights back to so many years.
It's a reminder of a dark time, and it's very disgusting that you, a radio station that I associate with a progressive view of the world, would have this barbarian on to tell his one-liners.
Wow, he was, or she, I couldn't tell.
That was the gayest feminist complaint I think I've ever heard.
Get ready.
There's more.
Here's another one I found.
This was my favorite, I think.
Yes.
Hello.
I'm a member of the KPFK Film Club.
And we recently went upon KPFK's recommendation to go see a Marks Brothers movie called A Day at the Races.
Perhaps you're familiar with it.
Well, I have never been more offended by a movie in my entire life.
My first cousin, once removed, is mute.
Okay.
So I have people in my family who are unable to talk.
And unlike this Harpo Marx character in the movie, people who suffer from this disability have a real dignity and integrity and souls, just like everyone else.
They do not run around honking a horn that involves themselves in scam and chase women indiscriminately.
And they certainly don't have curly hair.
Okay.
I was so offended by this film.
I can't even, I can't even.
Oh, I'm just, oh.
And not to mention the brutality of horse racing itself.
I was very offended.
But the only saving grace for this film was when they got in Blackface and did the Mammy song.
I really enjoyed that little sentence.
That was fun.
Anyway, I'm still angry.
Goodbye.
Oh, wow.
So that's something that he's offended at something that wasn't offensive, but enjoyed something that actually was offensive.
Right.
So there's one last call, I think.
I don't know what this one is.
Let's see.
I am so offended on your recommendation.
I went ahead and went out and purchased a copy of Dr. Brownstone's circular, which had this piece by this so-called writer, Jonathan Swift, where he literally tells people to eat Irish children.
And I am so offended by this.
Apparently, in the guise of population control or something, he justifies this.
But I don't know how you at this radio station could possibly condone this type of writing.
Clearly, the Irish need to be kept in their place.
They do it in cannibalism.
And I know that KPSK doesn't exist yet.
People who talk like this, I am still enraged.
I can't believe it.
I'm so offended.
I'm very angry at you.
I'm going to go take a barge ride in the Thames and just try to forget this whole thing.
Wow.
Our special thanks.
All right, another great job by Mike McRae doing our fake old-timey phone call complaints.
Mike McRae.
And hey, if you'd like to see more of that kind of comedy, don't forget it's May 20th.
That's May 20th.
That's a Sunday night, 8 p.m. at the Improv Lab, which is on Melrose and Crescent Heights.
We're going to see you there for Left, Right, and Ridiculous.
You're going to see me telling jokes.
David Feldman will be there.
Frank Conner from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
Paul Gilmartin doing his jackass Republican character.
Plenty of video clips of talking heads, politicians, and celebrities saying the dumbest shit you ever heard.
Sunday, May 20th, Sunday, May 20th, left, right, and ridiculous.
There's a link at jimmydoorcomedy.com on the right-hand side of the page for tickets.
Go there, click on the link, get yourself the tickets.
Are they affordable?
Yes.
$10 tickets.
Can you beat that?
I don't think so.
For a great show, it's been called The Funniest Show in Los Angeles.
Come see it May 20th.
See you there.
That's our show.
Special thanks to Suzanne Monk from themonkjunket.com for sitting in with us and being a great guest.
And today's show was written by Mike McCrae, Steph Samurano, Frank Conniff, and Robert Yasamura.
If you like today's show, please leave us a good review at iTunes.
It really does help get our rankings up and get more eyeballs on the Jimmy Door show.
Thanks for being such great listeners.
That's it for today.
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