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Dec. 29, 2011 - Jimmy Dore Show
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song about making mistakes.
Sometimes we all make mistakes.
Sometimes we catch the real tough breaks.
But here's a trick that I've been working on.
Just say oops and move on.
Ran out of gas now.
Or maybe you stepped on broken glass.
Or tweeted your boner to a college girl.
Just say oops and move on.
Or maybe you're a movie star and you end up at a bar.
Next thing you know, you're getting blackout drunk and saying stuff about Jews.
Don't you even sweat it.
Have a gin and tonic and just try to forget it because it's all good.
You know the press can be a bitch sometimes.
Just say oops and move on.
Sometimes there's nothing else to do.
Besides, there might be people chasing you because you sold them a bunch of worthless stocks for 20 billion bucks.
Just say oops.
Ah, there's supposed to be something here.
Here we go.
Or spilled 100 million gallons of oil and fed up the world.
Don't you get morose.
Take a weekend yacht trip off the English coast because it's all good.
You know that life can be a bitch sometimes.
Just say oops and move on.
I want to find my name.
It's the Jimmy Door Show.
the show for the kind of people that are It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper say.
It's hard to talk on your T-Value.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Door.
Hi, everybody, and welcome to this week's show.
I am joined in studio from Cinematic Titanic.com and Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's Frank Connoff.
Hey, Frank.
Hey, Jimmy, how you doing?
Good.
How are your holidays?
How's your day?
Oh, I somehow managed to make it through Christmas without blowing my brains out.
So I'm excited about it.
Another one.
And don't you refer to December 26th as...
Yes, that's what it is.
Okay.
And also I refer to the holiday season in general as the World Series of Depression.
And you've made the playoff six years in a row.
We're all very excited about that.
Next to him, former writer for The Daily Show and hilarious comedian, Steve Rosenfield.
Hey, Steve, how are you?
Hey, Jimmy.
How was your...
Go on.
It's okay.
You were prepared.
It's all right.
You didn't know.
And how was your holiday?
Very pleasant, thank you.
Okay, did you spend them in Orange County?
No, I was with friends, comedy friends that I know.
Oh, family, relatives.
It was very warm.
Really?
And I had something to drink.
That worked out.
Very nice.
Yes, how would you celebrate the holidays?
We drink.
Drink.
Okay, next to you, hilarious comedian Steph Zamarano is with us and resident Hispaniol Mexican.
How are you?
I'm great.
Also from comedy and everything else.
Oh, the host of the popular podcast, Comedy and Everything Else.
That's right.
Great to be here, Jim.
Good to have you.
Thanks for watching.
Okay, so what's going to happen today?
You know, we're in between the holidays, Christmas and New Year, or you say New Year's.
So what we're going to do is look back.
We're going to look back at 2011.
We're going to look at back at the first half of the year.
But before we get to that, Ron Paul is making news.
And usually nobody makes news this time of year, but Ron Paul is making a little news because of a newsletter, the Ron Paul newsletter from the 90s, right?
And apparently there was some racist, some homophobic, some...
Let me just, I'll read a few things just so you get a flavor for what was happening in the Ron Paul newsletter.
If any one group should support the militia movement, it should be the Jews.
So it's stuff like that.
That was...
Wow.
Those are the kind of things that were in the Ron Paul newsletter.
As whites are dying off, they are not replacing themselves.
Meanwhile, Asian immigrants are taking off and black birds are booming.
Whites don't vote for candidates that promise remote white interests, whereas blacks and Hispanics do.
So these are the kind of things.
Is that from his newsletter 20 years ago, or is that from Pat Buchanan's recent book?
I think that's a, you know what?
That's Pat Buchanan's Christmas card.
I'm sorry.
The liberals want to keep white America from taking action against black crime and welfare.
I've urged everyone in my family to know how to use a gun in self-defense for the animals are coming.
If you live in a major city, you've probably already heard about the newest threat to your life and limb and your family, carjacking.
It is the hip-hop thing to do among the urban youth who play unsuspecting whites like pianos.
If you have to use a gun on a youth, you should leave the scene immediately, disposing of the wiped-off gun as soon as possible.
Okay, so these are some of the things.
That's actually, that's a direct quote.
Wasn't he encouraging African-American kids to play the piano in that?
That's kind of like misinterpreted.
It sounded like he was just trying to be a patron of the arts.
That's all.
And also, since he's worried about that the animals are attacking, I'm guessing his favorite holiday movie isn't We Bought a Zoo.
Frank's always with the movies.
That's what I love about Frank.
That cinematic Titanic.
That's what it's all about.
You know what?
And people, the thing is, he's disavowed these.
And these are youthful indiscretion, Steve.
I mean, these are stuff that he wrote when he was in his 50s.
Got him some slack.
A callo boy.
You can't blame Ron Paul for what was repeatedly printed in the Ron Paul newsletter.
Signed by Ron Paul.
Right.
I mean, just because, and you know, he's not your run-of-the-mill.
The media is smearing him with stuff that was written in the Ron Paul newsletter.
And that's just horrible that you smear him with stuff written in the Ron Ball newsletter.
And next thing you know, they're going to smear him with his congressional voting record.
What is that?
Where do they get this stuff?
They have no shame, the media, Steve.
That's the problem.
And, you know, and they're painting him off to be like some just run-of-the-mill right-wing crackpot.
And he's not, Frank.
He is a right-wing crackpot who's also a gynecologist.
Very different.
So it's very different.
And, you know, white supremacists are natural libertarians, right?
They really are.
Because they know all too well that our government's run by the Jews.
They really are.
That's true.
So, Frank, do you have any other observations about the Ron Paul saga and the newsletter?
Well, you know, his newsletter espoused views of libertarianism, and he takes no responsibility for it.
Libertarian is all about taking personal responsibility.
Right.
Now, his foreign policy is attractive, is it not, Steve?
I mean, well, it's very simple.
We have to withdraw our troops from around the world so we can concentrate on the coming race war.
That's Ron Paul priorities, Jimmy.
Sure.
All right.
So, coming up on today's show, we're going to go through the, we're going to have some Chris Christie coming up, Rick Perry, of course, Bill O'Reilly.
Plus, I'm going to talk with Iowa Democratic political strategist Pete Delessandro is going to clue us in on the Iowa caucuses and how they work.
And I learned a lot, actually.
So, we're going to learn a lot later on in the show.
But right now, let's go back to it all started with there was a big snowstorm in January.
Oh, there was Chris Christie, right?
He took his vacation with his daughter, right?
Because that's you can't skip a vacation or Disney World when your state is in a state of emergency, right?
He's got his priorities set.
So, I'm going to play this.
This kind of like set the table for the whole year.
This is a four-minute little report I had put together about Chris Christie.
It kind of lays out what's happening in Wisconsin, what happened with led to Occupy Wall Street.
It's kind of like the whole zeitgeist of the year is kind of right in this four-minute report from Chris Christie.
So, let's listen.
Ask any Wall Street apologist what caused our economic meltdown, and he'll tell you it was because a bunch of poor people wrestled the economy away from the bankers and Alan Greenspan and tricked them into giving them a bunch of money to buy houses they could never pay back.
It's the perfect cover for criminal bankers.
Hey, who's really in charge of the economy and responsible?
It's a bunch of poor people with no money in power.
Well, the new BS talking point is that what's bankrupting states right now is that they have to pay pension benefits to their state employees, you know, state employees, teachers, cops, firemen, garbage men, stuff like that.
We have a benefit problem, it's not an income problem from the state, it's a benefit problem.
That's New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, presumably named Chris by his parents because it would be easier for him to remember his name.
Now, Governor Christie's a Republican, but not your typical Republican you think of.
He's a Northeastern Republican, so that means he's not very conservative on social issues.
And that also means that by South Carolina Republican standards, he would be a vegan homosexual.
He's like a lot of Republicans north of the Mason-Dixon line.
He's what they would call a fiscal Republican, which sounds relatively benign, right?
Until you actually hear what makes fiscal conservatives fiscal conservatives-that means not wanting to pay blue-collar workers for their state what they've earned.
We have a benefit problem, it's not an income problem from the state, it's a benefit problem, and so we've got to change those benefits.
That's the governor on 60 Minutes talking to I forget the guy's name.
He's the guy in 60 Minutes who used to be super good looking, but now looks kind of weird and cartoonish.
He's talking to that guy, and that guy is serving up Governor Christie a bunch of total softballs and letting every answer he spews out go completely unchallenged.
What they're talking about is the fact that New Jersey is facing the worst crisis in state workers' benefits in the country.
Yes, the entire country.
And remember, we live in a country that includes Florida and Texas.
So, what's the problem?
Well, the state promised to pay fairly standard civil service pensions to their teachers, firemen, police officers, etc.
So, now New Jersey owes a bunch of aging workers the money they were promised to live on for the rest of their lives, and the state's running out of money.
Oops.
We have a benefit problem.
It's not an income problem from the state, it's a benefit problem.
So, let's just get this straight.
The state of New Jersey promised a bunch of workers that in exchange for doing some of the toughest work around, you'd throw them some health insurance and a little retirement dough.
And now, you don't want to do it.
And in most parts of the world, that's considered breach of contract.
But to Governor Christie, that's called a benefit problem.
I mean, I think the general public thinks, I can't believe anybody gets a pension anymore.
I think amongst the broad general public, they've said amen.
And I think among the public sector unions, they're yelling and screaming.
First of all, don't you think it's a bad idea to use the general public's opinion as a litmus test on anything, considering the general public is really into the Kardashians dancing with the stars and snookie.
Secondly, I'm pretty sure that the general public is aware that state employees are supposed to get pensions.
You know who's not aware of that?
Politicians with two first names who are willing to vilify union workers in order to score cheap political points.
That's who.
I mean, I think the general public thinks, I can't believe anybody gets a pension anymore.
Yeah, that's right.
Nobody even thinks people have pensions anymore.
And you know why?
It's because they keep voting for politicians like Chris Christie, who view payments to public employee pension funds as, you know, optional, but promises to take a week vacation in Florida during a snowstorm as sacrosanct.
Oh, that was a great report by me back then.
Yeah.
You were great.
Thank you very much.
I really could break it down in a kind of humorous, interesting way.
You should have a show.
You know what?
I'm talking to people like Hayford.
I don't think Chris Christie likes it when reporters throw softballs at him.
I think he prefers meatballs.
He's a very large man.
So that kind of set the table for the whole year, right?
I mean, that was in January.
Chris Christie, we have a benefit problem.
And people only took it for so long, right?
And people could only listen to the fattest guy in the state tell them to tighten their belts before they revolted.
And so now it's happening.
I'm happy about it.
And now the governor of Wisconsin could very well be recalled now.
Let's hope that happens.
And of course.
But they were going a year ago.
A lot of those people were going under the assumption they could just get away with all this.
That's one of the good things about this past year is that they are being held accountable by John Kasich.
They pushed through an anti-union bill in Ohio that got repealed.
And now they've recalled two state senators in Wisconsin, which people are like, haha, they didn't get it.
They got it.
They recalled two senators.
Now the margin of victory is one in the Wisconsin state senate.
And now they're going to recall.
I think they're going to recall it, Walker.
Well, they're going to get the vote is going to happen, which people said was a very hard-to-surmount goal.
And they're easily getting the number of signatures they need.
And it's funny because now Scott Walker is coming out trying to discredit the signature in the recall.
It's like, well, they're either going to be certified or not.
So how does this help you to come out and disparage the people gathering these signatures?
That's what I don't understand.
All right.
But you know, Chris Christie, so he, and he, at the same time, he's telling people that they couldn't have their pensions and they couldn't have their health care and that we're not going to make those payments that we promised that we would make to you.
At the same time, he got caught taking a helicopter to his son's soccer game.
Oh, but you know what?
The reason why he got in that helicopter is because someone told him his policies were pie in the sky.
His mouth was watering.
Craig, Frank.
Bag, bag, bang.
He's a big man.
He's a large man.
He's 40.
He likes pie.
He does.
He was against the Defense of Marriage Act, right, Frank?
But for the Defense of Marinera Act.
Which went well with the meatballs that the reporter was throwing at him.
He's a large man.
Okay, and then actually, Chris Christie, our first phone call ever from Chris Christie is going to play right now.
When he was calling, we were kind of giving him a hard time about cutting money to the state workers at the same time wasting money on himself using state money to take a helicopter to his son's soccer game.
He got upset, he called in.
Hey.
Jimmy Door.
This is covering Chris Christie.
I'm not derie.
A little birdie told me that you were busting my still got so taking a helicopter to a Saturday.
Let me explain something to you.
Well, you'll never have the governor of New Jersey.
You are allowed a certain amount of perks.
Just because I take advantage of these perks, those are being different than anyone else.
I'm talking about certain specific perks, like a helicopter that could take you to soccer games.
I know.
Certain people want me to apologize for it.
Let me tell you something.
I've done the business of apologizing to anybody about anything.
You understand me?
I don't apologize.
I don't go and say I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm not the governor of Dalloway.
I'm the governor of God that New Dersey.
I'm not in that business.
I'm in the business of busting unions and balancing the budget on the backs of the working class and eating funnel cakes.
That's my business.
Eating funnel cakes and cannotify you.
And yeah.
I'll take whatever I find on the beach and stick it on my fat face about that, Jimmy Doll.
And I'll take my helicopter.
I'll eat my helicopter.
How about that?
I'll stand helicopter in my bed goddamn bug-owned space.
I need all of it.
Let me tell you something else about helicopter shibby door.
Those blades are really sharp that spit around.
Be a shame if somebody had got caught up in it.
I don't think they could sew that back together.
Now listen to me.
I don't want to hear any more about you busting my boss.
I'm going to come over there to pass the date at California and give you your summer bin Laden treatment.
And by that, I mean I'm going to eat you.
Goodbye.
Okay, that's a scary man.
Governor Chris Christie letting us know it was the first of many phone calls.
I enjoyed them all.
In February, was it February when that crazy gunman went out and shot Congressman Giffords in Arizona, right?
January?
Oh.
January or February.
And Sarah Palin was really worried about it.
She had this to say.
I will continue to speak out.
They're not going to shut me up.
They're not going to shut you up or Rush or Mark Levin or Tea Party Patriots.
They can't make us sit down and shut up.
And if they ever were to succeed in doing that, then our republic will be destroyed.
Yes.
So if Sarah Palin isn't allowed to, you know, put crosshairs on a map anymore of her political opponents, democracy is over.
And can I just say, though, that Sarah Palin did not run for president.
She's barely in the news anymore.
She did sit down and shut up, actually.
That's actually what ended up happening.
It worked out great.
Oh, wow.
You know, now I didn't even think about it.
You're right.
She did sit down and shut up.
All right.
Well, here is actually Sarah Palin called in to the show.
Do you remember?
Yeah, she wanted to talk about the whole Giffords shooting controversy and who the real victims were.
And now, a message from Sarah Palin.
Hello, my fellow Americans.
I wanted to take this opportunity to address the tragic events that unfolded this past weekend.
No, not the Learning Channel's failure to pick up my reality show, Sarah Palin's Alaska, for a second season.
While that was certainly tragic, not to mention unpatriotic, fans of my reality show, Sarah Palin's Alaska, will at least be able to console themselves with the DVD and Blu-ray release of my reality show, Sarah Palin's Alaska, which will be in stores soon.
No, I'm talking about a different tragedy.
As many of you know, if you watch Fox News, an evil communist Nazi Democrat pothead opened fire on a crowd of people at a supermarket in Tucson.
And I wanted to take this opportunity to say that my heart breaks for the victims.
Of course, I'm talking about myself and to a lesser extent, Glenn Beck.
Like many of you, I've spent the day since the tragedy reflecting and praying for guidance.
And wouldn't you know it, as usual, the guidance I received from Jesus lined up perfectly with my opinion.
I've listened with sadness at the attempts of those in the media to assign blame for this horrific event.
There's been all kinds of irresponsible talk about who said what to who and who implicitly urged their supporters to do what and who put little pictures of what next to the names of who on another thing.
Well, I'm here to tell you that we as Americans should not tolerate that kind of blood libel from our media.
I'm also here to tell you that I only had time to briefly skim the definition of blood libel.
It's time that our media learned that the blame game is dangerous.
When they rush to judgment, they incite the very hatred and violence they purport to condemn.
So to sum up, putting crosshairs on a map, talking about Second Amendment remedies, asking followers to get armed and dangerous.
These types of things have no impact on the mentally unstable.
But when the media starts reporting those things, they put us all at risk.
And before you ask, no, I am not intellectually capable of seeing the inconsistency there.
You know, there's a bittersweet irony that the strength of the American spirit shines brightest in times of tragedy.
Rest assured, I will continue to do everything in my power to help us see that shine as often as possible.
God bless America and certain Americans.
This has been a message from Sarah Palin.
Now, did what was the there was really no fallout from that.
Like nobody, I'm talking, you know, the Gifford shooting, meaning that I don't think they changed the gun laws.
No, there weren't any laws.
No one advocated even really change.
I mean, Obama, for all his eloquence during that period, I don't think so.
Did he make some statement about guns?
I don't even know, but all I know is that.
Nothing was put against Congress to change the gun laws or anything like that.
But they did.
You know, people say, well, he could have had a knife.
You know, those 30-clip knives that you see around where he just kind of throws 30 knives.
Yeah, it's amazing because I actually do feel that people should have rifles and stuff if they want to go hunting because I know hunting is a big thing to a lot of people.
But I don't think it takes a little of the sport out of it, doesn't it, to use an AK-47 when you go hunting?
I don't know.
Those deer are crafty.
Yeah, they are, you know.
I don't know.
If I see a guy in the woods with an Uzi, I'm like, oh, there's a sportsman.
Yeah, exactly.
That's a real sportsman, right?
Because you got to be able to cut down.
If you get an Uzi, it'll cut the tree right in half.
And then you could see maybe the little fawn on the other side.
Right, right.
And then you take out your bow and arrow, and then you kill it.
Isn't that how it works?
That's a freedom of speech, I think.
I think we're mixing.
I think we're mixing.
But, all right, you know what else?
Some fun things happened.
There's also in the last winter, February.
Bill O'Reilly was talking to an atheist on his show about how he knows there's a God, and Bill O'Reilly said this.
Tide goes in, tide goes out.
Never a miscommunication.
You can't explain that.
You can explain why the tide goes in.
Tide goes in.
Tide goes out.
To the water, the tide comes in and it goes out, Mr. Silver.
Maybe always comes in.
So that was Bill O'Reilly.
That was Bill O'Reilly explaining how he knows atheism is wrong and how he knows there's a God because the tide goes in and the tide goes out and it came.
Well, then it was quickly explained to him that those things can be explained through science and the gravitational pull of the moon and that's what causes the tide to go in.
Like this is the thing you based your life on.
Something that couldn't be debunked by a sixth-grade science book.
That's what that's his whole worldview.
And so he came on and said this on his after-show show.
The opinions who attacked me for this, you guys are just desperate.
How'd the moon get there?
How'd the sun get there?
How'd it get there?
Can you explain that to me?
How come we have that and Mars doesn't have it?
Venus doesn't have it.
How come?
Why not?
How'd it get here?
He just doesn't.
How did that little Amiva get here?
Call out there.
How to do it.
Come on.
You have order in this universe.
You have an order in the universe.
Tide comes in, Ty goes out.
Okay, yeah, the moon does it.
Fine.
How'd the moon get there?
Who put it there?
Okay, so once again, all these things that have scientific theories behind them.
Yes, Bill, Bill, if Bill can't explain it, must be God.
If he wants to bring up something unexplainable, why not the fact that Whitney Cummings has two shows on the air?
I cannot figure that out.
Yeah, that's that's explain that, atheist.
There's no God.
You know, I think Whitney Cummings is a go-getter.
Pretty girl who wrote a script.
They happen to like it over at the SIFS network, and that's how that's.
Script goes in, show comes out.
That's how we can explain it through science.
Yeah, no, I mean, and it just, it's just jealousy that why we tear her down.
I know I'm, and because if you believe in jealousy, though.
Oh, B2.
God, I'm not so sure about it.
But jealousy, envy, bitterness.
It's transformed my own life.
So that's.
I'm a born-again bitter person.
It's a living death, but he is born again.
Yeah, well, guess what?
My parents ruined me right the first time.
So I didn't need to be born again.
Bill O'Reilly actually called in to correct or to kind of give us the business about the tides going in.
And here's what he had to say.
Thor, this is Bill O'Reilly.
I just got a call from Fox Security telling me that you and the tinheads on your show are laughing it up because I know that even if the moon controls the tides, God still had to make the moon.
Sorry, pal.
No other possible explanation for it.
End of story.
So you left-wing elitists can suck on that for a while.
No other explanation for the moon.
Had to be got.
Now, if any of the socialist loons in your audience change their minds and want the truth about stuff like this, I suggest they purchase a premium membership to billoreilly.com, which is $49.95, gets you a full year's membership and includes great features like members-only message boards, full access to the Radio Factor archive, and the new factor Loofer.
The latest offering in the Bed and Bath section of the O'Reilly online store.
Go to billoreilly.com and join today.
And God made the moon.
All right, that was Bill O'Reilly clearing things up.
But I think Bill O'Reilly has kind of, I was going to say, calmed down since Glenn Beck left, but I don't know.
Has anybody seen Glenn Beck lately?
He's another guy that had to sit down and shut up who said he wasn't going to sit down and shut up.
There was actually an article in the New York Times that that new show, The Five, that replaced Glenn Beck, is more profitable for Fox than the Glenn Beck show was because the Glenn Beck show got bigger ratings, but no advertising.
Oh, so that's stuff like that can be effective.
So that really did ruin.
It really did.
It was all about the fact that his show couldn't make money anymore.
Oh, I did not know.
So that boycott really worked.
Right, right.
I say bravo to whoever started that boycott.
Yeah.
I didn't have any idea that that's.
And I desperately needed to see more Bob Beckle.
So Bob Beckles, the resident Democrat at Fox News.
I have not watched that show once yet.
No, I have.
I've seen a couple of clips from it, but I haven't.
It's unwatchable.
And that Eric Bowling is his name?
He's the new Glenn.
He's the new crazy Fox guy who says crazy, out-of-control things.
You know, like, it's like for, so like Glenn Beck used to say crazy things all the time.
But I never thought that he was like dumb.
I always thought that he was just playing a character.
Right.
You know, he knew what he was doing.
He was slick.
Eric Boiling is not slick.
Right.
He is as dumb as he appears.
Don't you think?
Yeah, and the thing about Glenn Beck, you got to remember, basically, he's a morning zoo guy whose career went very far.
Yeah.
Yeah, basically.
And then he wrapped himself in the Bible and the flag like all true charlotte.
And did a show that makes morning zoo shows look sedate and respectable.
Yes.
All right.
And we're up against the break.
And we're doing a year in review this week on the Jimmy Door show.
I'm joined by Frank Conniff, Steve Rosenfield, and Steph Zamorano.
And we'll be right back.
This is the Jimmy Door show on Pacifica.
Hello, podcast listeners.
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All right.
Now, the second half of this show gets to be even more fun, skis.
Okay, here we go.
Enjoy.
Okay, welcome back to the Jimmy Dore show.
I'm joined in studio by Steph Semorano from the popular podcast, Comedy and Everything Else, and by Steve Rosenfield, former writer for The Daily Show, and by Frank Connoff from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and CinematicTitanic.com.
Today, we're taking a look back at all things that happened in 2011.
And right now, we're taking a look back at former or governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie.
Yeah, you should look back at him.
He's a large man.
I can see him from here.
Yeah, he's in New Jersey and we can see him.
He's still in my periphery.
Coming up now, we're going to talk about Osama bin Laden being killed.
We'll talk about all the celebrity scandals, Anthony Weiner and Charlie Sheen, Arnold Schwartz.
There's a lot coming up.
Right now, let's go ahead and talk about Osama bin Laden.
First of all, that Barack Obama, he's quite a guy, right?
He gets to be president.
They give him the Nobel Peace Prize, kind of like a, here you go.
This is how much we hated the old guy.
That we're going to give you this for nothing.
You've done nothing.
And now here, go, here it goes.
So immediately he ramps up the war in Afghanistan.
He started bombing Libya and put out a hit on Osama bin Laden.
And that's the thing about those peace prizes.
Nobody ever tries to win a second one.
So I was, here's, I'm just going to, let's go through some of my favorite.
The night he was killed, I was watching Nightline, and this is how they reported it.
Right now, somewhere on planet Earth, a U.S. Navy SEAL is walking around thinking, I just shot Osama bin Laden in the face.
And all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
And somewhere there's a network executive walking around going, I can't believe I hired that guy.
That was how Nightline did it.
You know, then, of course, we look at the somber tone that was struck that night by our college students as they pondered the real meaning of Osama Bin.
You're all students, right?
Yes!
How are you feeling about what happened here?
I feel green lady!
She's drunk.
It's America!
Who was he?
Yeah, yes, you know, for the kids, it seemed that finally killing Osama bin Laden had brought into sharp focus America's years of waste and self-degregation.
And here's Condi Rice, who's she lets us know who was really responsible for the killing.
Bush had to make some very, very hard calls that frankly helped to set this up.
Yeah, so he's Bush had to make some hard calls to set that.
You know, when he was going to invade Iraq illegally, I remember thinking, that's a tough call.
That's going to set up us.
And I remember he made it very clear, you know, after 9-11 that he was going to, that the next administration was going to kill Osama bin Laden 10 years later.
He made it very clear that he was setting it up.
Once there was that kind of urgency.
He had to lose bin Laden so that Obama could get him.
Yeah, when he decided to not actually pursue Osama bin Laden.
I remember thinking, that's a really tough call.
I'm going to hand it off to you, Barack.
Yeah, really.
A lot of the two-hour might, the two-hour mountain bike rides that he would take in the middle of the day, which is absolutely true.
He would go for mountain bike rides.
Those directly led to us capturing Osama bin Laden.
That's where he did a lot of thinking.
Yeah.
You know, asking Condoleezza Rice about the search for Osama bin Laden is a lot like asking Pete Best how the Beatles achieved their sound.
And then there was a lot of, there was a lot of debate over what actually led to the capture of Osama bin Laden, right?
So there was Condi Rice trying to give credit to George Bush for it.
But a lot of people were saying that torture led to torture because good old American, we did the Christian torture, right?
It wasn't.
So, and then do you think torture led to the capture of Osama?
I think that the torturing of prisoners several years ago directly led to Osama bin Laden being caught.
What you do is you waterboard a guy 182 times, and then about, I don't know, seven, eight years later, boom, you got your man.
Exactly, exactly.
That's how the connection is between.
And it's also amazing that, and I think the torturing played a big part in the fact that we captured Osama bin Laden, despite the fact that our president is a Muslim who hates America.
Yeah.
He supports Osama bin Laden's cause.
But it was the torture that made us able to catch him during that administration.
It's amazing how torture can do those things.
Yes, yes.
Torture defies definition, certainly in that administration.
All right.
And then Bill O'Reilly actually called in.
He had something to say about torture.
Did you remember here?
Let's see what it was.
Jimmy Dore, this is Bill Riley.
I've been hearing that you and your little liberal pinhead friends on your little radio show over there in Cobbywood, California, have been disputing my claim that the intelligence that led us to the Abanabad four seasons over there where that coward bin Laden was hiding was obtained through waterboarding.
Now, Jimmy, if you were a real American and watched the O'Reilly factor, you would have seen that Representative Peter King from New York said so on my show, and I agreed, and that means it's true.
There's your veracity right there, pal.
QED.
And just because King looks like the bad guy from Tommy Boy doesn't mean that he doesn't know his stuff.
He's been an ardent supporter of the IRA in the past.
So he knows about terrorism because he is personal friends with terrorists himself.
But the white kind, the kind we like.
Not those dirty bearded sandblasters over there.
Now, the British tried waterboarding a top IRA guy in the 90s who got no information, granted.
But then they replaced the water with Jamesons.
And under whiskey boarding, he gave up half of Belfast and is gone to Santa Mary.
So you got to know how these people take.
Well, thank you, lucky stars for waterboarding, you goddamn comedy queer.
Wow, he makes a compelling case.
He really does.
Whiskey, whiskey boarding.
Why was it?
I wasn't.
Okay, right now we're going to shift gears and talk about the Iowa caucuses, which are January 3rd.
So we thought we'd talk with Pete DeLessandro, who was the former political director for Chet Culver, governor of Iowa from 2006 to 2010.
Pete knows everything there is to know about Iowa politics.
So we asked him, how are the Iowa caucus voters different?
People that go to caucus are even more liberal and more conservative than the people that just vote in primaries.
The big difference, which a lot of people don't realize, the big difference between the Democratic caucuses and the Republican caucuses is the Democratic caucuses, you show up and you break up into what they call constituency groups.
So you are publicly standing for your candidate.
And there's someone there that basically counts heads and says, okay, we have 300 people here and 129 of them are in the Obama group.
So they got 100%.
And then they do the math and there's this whole convoluted math that you have to have 15% to even be viable or you have to move to another group.
Oh, really?
So if a candidate doesn't get enough, doesn't get 15% of the people at the caucus.
At that caucus.
At that caucus.
So then his support gets disbanded and you have to go find, support another candidate.
What they'll do is they'll break it up for about 15 minutes and they'll give you a chance to try to pick somebody else up from one of the other groups or get picked up by someone else and then they recount.
Now, the other thing to remember at the Democratic caucuses is, let's say in my precinct, they're electing five delegates.
Once you hit, and this is where it gets really weird.
Once you hit 15%, you're guaranteed one of those delegates.
So the easiest way to do it in the most extreme jumping the shark way is, let's say you have two people running.
How many?
Two candidates, and let's say they're going after there's three delegates in the precinct that they're going after in that precinct.
Okay.
If candidate A had 85 of the people there and candidate B wound up with 15 of the people there, you know, 85, 15, he's only going to win two delegates to one because you're guaranteed a delegate as soon as you get 15% of the voting.
Oh, really?
So, and so, so this happens.
So, this caucus, so this is a crazy problem.
I mean, it's an I don't know if it's crazy, but it certainly is different than the way you know.
You have to know the math.
The Obama people were so sophisticated last time.
Oh, really?
That they had handheld things for their precinct captains where their captains knew how many people they could send over to John Edwards without losing a delegate that would help Edwards win a delegate and take one from Hillary.
Oh, really?
So, there's a lot of gamesmanship going on.
On the Democratic side, absolutely.
On the Republican side, they do it completely different.
You show up when they don't break up in the groups.
They literally have a ballot that goes out and you write who you're for and they count them up.
Oh, really?
And it's a straight, they don't break into, they don't do viability.
They don't do any of that.
It's just a straight, you know, this is how many people voted for this guy.
This means he gets this many delegates.
This precinct, this is how many people voted for this guy.
That means he gets this many precincts.
And they don't do that.
They don't do that thing where they let, you don't have enough people, so now we're going to give you 15 minutes to go.
No, that's it.
There's a straight blind ballot, too, right?
They do a closed ballot.
Nobody, if you don't want anyone to know, nobody knows who you're for.
Well, this is really interesting, Pete.
I didn't know any of this stuff.
I didn't know that the Democrats or Republicans did it differently.
And do you know why they do it differently?
How did that, how that came about?
You know, I think that's, I think it's just a national rules.
We're not allowed to, they're not allowed to do it the way we do it.
I'll give you an example where we do something a little different than they do because their national rules allow it.
I'm sure you saw that this year.
They have that big straw poll up in Ames.
Yes.
We're not even allowed to do straw polls on the Democratic side.
It's against the DMC rules.
Oh, really?
So, so, for instance, there's a case where they do something a little different than we do it.
We're not allowed to.
Well, that straw, that straw poll certainly is a good predictor of nothing.
Well, you know what it is.
It's an absolute predictor of nothing.
But what it is, and this is where we're kind of at the eight ball following the rules we follow, which we accept, is it's a huge fundraiser.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
So you got to remember, it costs you 10 bucks to walk in.
And like, I go every, I go every four years.
I have a pair of jean shorts I put on.
I got a shirt that just says America across the front of it that I got at the dollar store.
I put on an NRA hat and you just walk around with your buddies, and it's a great time.
Great food.
You know, all the candidates are there.
And then what you do is when you're standing in line, you just naturally talk to your friend and you say things that you know the other people might, you know, like, hey, you know, let's face the Louisiana purchase was bull.
You know, you know, you start saying like that.
So people, you know, you kind of blend in, you know, and, you know, start talking about Kenyan colonialism and stuff.
And then, you know, people then accept that you're supposed to be there and then you just kind of blend and go do your thing, you know.
What does it look like for Newton in Iowa?
What does it look like?
Here's the thing, Jimmy.
Here's how I would put it.
You can tell by the process that I just explained to you that really what it comes down to is organization on the ground.
Well, even though, even when Newton jumped up in the poll, which it happened, look at how Obama did it last time, and Obama did it.
You know, I have a friend here who said the great thing about political theory and political ways of doing things is that they're all true until they're not.
Right.
So Obama did everything the opposite of the way you were supposed to do it, except for the, I mean, he had a good ground game, but it was the theory here, because I tried it with Bradley.
We didn't do it.
They tried it with Dean.
And the theory always was, look, you don't want to caught new people into the system because you have to stand there.
And it's not a vote.
And that's intimidating.
So the theory was always these people that tell you they've got new people coming until caucus night, you know, it's not going to happen.
Well, Obama proved it wrong.
So stones, but historically, even when Geekrick jumped to the top of the polls, those of us that have done it kind of looked at it and said he's not going to be able to maintain it for a couple of reasons.
And even if the numbers said he was there, people are going to be surprised on caucus night because, A, he never had a ground game here.
So he might have 24% of the people saying they're for him, but he has no mechanism To get them to where they're supposed to go that night.
Right.
You know, to get them to that church basement, to get them to that firehouse.
And so we were always kind of wary of it, both sides, you know, just on an organ.
That's why I think, believe it or not, I think Ron Paul is going to do well because he's had the boots on the ground.
He never stopped talking from last time.
And he has the mechanisms that even if there's a blizzard here, he has the mechanisms to get his people to where they need to be that night.
So I think he'll do really well.
And believe it or not, as much as they hate him, yeah, the two guys that I think will do better, that doesn't mean they're going to win that than folks might be thinking a week or two out are Romney and Rick Perry, believe it or not.
And the reason I say that is the two guys running their campaigns are the two guys on the other side that if I have to do a Democrat to Republican campaign against them, they're the two that I actually respect and say this is going to be a tough campaign.
Our thanks to Pete Delessandro, political democratic political strategist in Iowa for those predictions.
And we're going to check in with him after the Iowa caucus to see what he thinks of it.
Okay, now let's get back to the show and our year in review.
Okay, let's talk about some celebrity scandals from last year.
Charlie Sheen, guy took a beating.
He has one bad night.
Everybody makes a big deal out of it.
One bad night.
But anyway, he so Charlie Sheen, during his turmoil, he took some time out to call into the Jimmy Door show here.
Let's share that with you right now.
Hey, Jimmy, this is Charlie Sheen.
I'm a big fan of the show.
I love politics.
My dad was president for a while there.
I'm calling because I'm tired of getting screwed over by the Today Show and Good Morning America and TMZ and Cat Fancy.
Man, I've been doing a lot of media.
Anyway, I want to come on your show and state my case in my own words.
I'm giving you the exclusive.
That's right.
The very same exclusive I gave to 327 other shows.
As you can probably tell from my girlfriend's situation, I have no idea what the word exclusive means.
I'm on a drug called Charlie Sheen.
You're on a drug called medical marijuana.
We can do this.
Call me.
Okay, now Charlie Sheen, does he have a deal coming up that he's got a sitcom of anger management?
It's going to be on the FX channel.
Oh, really?
So he landed on his feet.
He got another series.
Totally, totally.
I was so worried.
And you know, he was at one point, they were going to, he was having some physical problems.
The doctor were going to operate on his abdomen.
And if that had happened, it would have been the only time the phrase side-splitting had ever been associated to a half-man.
Okay.
It was a little bit of a ride to get there.
No, I don't want to say the voyage to that punchline was epic, but it's being shown at the Cinerama Done in a restored version.
Cool, all that for a side-splitter joke.
Nice work.
Charlie actually called in another time.
Jimmy, it's Charlie again.
I just want to come on the show and clarify some stuff because I'm starting to get an inkling like people think I'm crazy.
You know, if I don't address this stuff now, people might start talking about it on the internet.
They might even kick me off my show, Tuti and the Half-Man.
I hit that in the bud.
The round-the-clock hooker parade doesn't run on smiles if you get my drift.
Call me back.
Let me know when the tower at KPFK is going to clear this F-16 for a landing.
You know, Charlie, you remember he did a stand-up tour this year.
Remember that?
And it was so unfunny that they offered to have him back as a writer and performer on a half-man.
Boy, Chuck Laurie's never going to hire you, Frank.
I got to tell you.
That's been established a long time ago.
Have you ever tried to get some more from Chuck Laurie?
I never have.
I'm friends with people who work for him.
Very funny people like Eddie Gordetsky and Don Foster and Sid Youngers, comedy writers that I know who are.
So if you're listening hilarious, who worked for Chuck Laurie?
Okay, Chuck Laurie.
Well, let's just get right to it.
Charlie Sheen called back for one final time.
This is before I think he went into rehab.
And then here's what he had to say.
Okay, fine.
You don't want to call me?
I'll expose you to this magic right over the phone.
Okay, first thing, yes, I said I had tiger blood, but I didn't mean coursing through my veins.
That's crazy.
I meant that I keep it in a jar and use it as salad dressing.
I didn't mean to say that I have Adonis DNA.
I meant to say that I have Adonis V D. And lastly, when I said I was a Vatican Assassin Warlock, what I meant to say was that I'm a bipolar, drug-addicted porn freak with near-lethal amounts of free time and money.
The Vatican actually discontinued their Assassin Warlock program six months ago.
All right, call me back or I'll melt your face.
Winning.
That's when he was winning.
You know, one thing I'll say sincerely on his behalf is nobody in recent memory has inserted more catchphrases into our culture quicker than he has.
Winning.
Winning.
Tigerblood, Adonis.
More than nine years of two and a half men.
Like a week.
In a week, yeah.
Goddesses, right?
Yeah, there was a lot of things.
You're right.
Wow, he was a catchphrase central.
He was, yeah.
I could talk about how hacky saying winning is if I didn't do it in my act every night.
And of course, we all know our former governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, got into a little bit of a problem when it came out that the family values Republican.
I don't know if he's actually family values.
I just like to say more values.
He's Republican.
Had a love child 14 years in the making with a maid.
And he had another kid with his living nanny with his wife right around the same time.
He's caught weeks apart.
They were born weeks apart.
And so it's actually, it's very sinister.
It was so bad that even Woody Allen went, ooh, that's creepy.
But Arnold called in.
Arnold called in.
He had something he wanted us to know.
He wanted to clear his name, I guess, is what he did.
Hello, Jimmy Doyle.
This is Alex Schwarzenegger.
Yeah.
This is the way everyone talks about my history of grubbing women.
I've been very upfront about my history of grubbing women, I've admitted.
But one time, 10 years ago, I grew up the lady so hard that it made a baby.
It was a miracle.
I am discovering new ways of making human life not to be destroyed.
Nobody's talking about it.
Goodbye.
Okay, that was Arnold Schwarzenegger, and that was fun.
That was a good time.
I wish that that could have gone on all summer, but it was over.
Well, we're quicker than I knew it was going to be over.
Listen, he may have really ruined our state, but I'm looking forward to the Expendables too.
They were the Expendables.
Yeah, California was the Expendables.
So they are coming out with Expendables too.
Oh, they are.
So that wasn't a joke.
I thought that was a job.
No, no, Expendables 2 is Why would you think it's a joke?
It's a very serious cinematic endeavor.
I just think everything comes out of your mouth is funny, Frank.
So that's probably why I thought that the play was better.
The play was the original Howard Pincher.
The Broadway show was better.
You know, I know that Governor Sarzeneker didn't take any money when he was governor, right?
Wasn't that the whole thing?
That he would be governor for free?
Oh, he didn't get paid?
I didn't know.
Is that true?
Yes.
Yes.
I'd rather pay somebody for a job well done.
Yeah.
I'd rather pay someone.
But he could bang anyone he wanted.
Yes.
That was the rule.
That was no money, but he could bang any.
So now the other scandal of the year was Anthony Weiner, right?
And, you know, the hoobris, the hubris of Anthony Weiner, the narcissism, the ego, the body.
Just thinking that he could get the public option into the healthcare.
That monster.
Oh, what is his problem, right?
So, but no, he got caught.
And then there was a spate of female reporters who kept going on saying things like this.
The Anthony Weiner scandal raises a question: why would a powerful politician risk everything, including future and family, to engage in such inappropriate behavior?
Okay, I'm going to give you three guesses, and the first two don't count.
The third, I guess, would be: he has a penis.
He has a penis.
I don't know how many times I have to say this.
He has a penis.
Why would he do?
He's a penis.
He has a penis, and he has opportunity.
Okay.
As Bill Maher said famously, men are as faithful as their opportunities.
Correct.
There you go.
So, you know, I always love the guys.
Anyway, I'm faithful to my wife.
Yeah, I bet you are.
I bet you are, Quasimoto.
I bet you are.
I got him.
I would never cheat on my wife.
Well, you have to have a partner.
Okay, so let's.
There was the big tsunami, also.
We didn't get a chance.
So many things happen in the first place.
This is only the, we're only covering the first half of the year this week.
We're going to do the second half of the year next week.
Oh, so this is only up to June.
This is only up to June.
So there was a tsunami.
There was an earthquake and a tsunami, and we talked about it and we made jokes about it in an appropriate way.
Although I did get some emails of people thinking we shouldn't be making jokes about this.
And you're not the voice of Aflac anymore.
Yeah, no, I got fired from Aflac.
And people need to understand that this show is a comedy show and that we need to, we have to address, we're charged with addressing each of these topics comedically.
Okay.
It's satire, folks.
And so we have to find what is funny about even the worst thing that's happening in the news.
Well, otherwise, he'd be screaming for an hour.
Right.
Otherwise, I'd be screaming for an hour.
Nobody wants that.
That's the some people do.
But so Bill O'Reilly actually called in to chastise us about making fun of the nuclear thing.
And so here's what he had to say: Door.
This is O'Reilly.
I know that you and your crunchy friends are going to try to use this nuclear mishap to push your agenda as if we can replace nuclear power with wind farms, hemp smoke, or gaze on rollerblades.
Well, I happen to know a thing or two about nuclear power because they frequently go nuclear on members of my staff.
And all it takes for my rod to cool down is a maker's mark on the rocks in a back massage.
And throw loofah in there.
So far, we know that some radiation has leaked into the air.
But it should be noted that we're exposed to radiation all the time.
Whether you're lying on the beach, microwaving popcorn or driving a hybrid car.
Yes, scientists and Kenny Loggins would agree that Japan is one step closer to the danger zone, but by no means is it time to get foot loose and panic.
I've got news for you.
If God didn't want people to have nuclear power, he wouldn't have split the original Adam for Eve, paving the way for future nuclear scientists.
Is God punishing the Japanese people for worshiping at the altar of Hello Kitty and Scat porn?
I don't know.
Now isn't the time for questions.
It's the time to pitch in and help build a better Japan with more Roman Catholics and toilets you can sit on.
The hysteria over the nuclear reactors is similar to the situation with Hurricane Katrina, when a handful of folks who couldn't swim decided to ruin the fun for folks who could.
And the mainstream media blamed the action of a handful of hooligans on President Bush, who remained calm under pressure.
So calm that he didn't even react for days.
So I agree with the Japanese prime minister when he said we should turn this nuclear frown upside down and focus on the positive, like massive weight loss and fewer people on the subway.
The Japanese culture emphasizes cooperation and obedience, something this country could use more of.
Instead of people like you who get bent out of shape when a polar bear drowns or cops shoot a black kid.
So give me a call back on the cell.
It's St. Patrick's Day, so let's go put on some plaid skirts, drink some green beer, and go beat up some figs.
Okay.
Okay, that's our show.
Don't forget if you missed any part of this today's show and you want to hear it again, it's always available as a podcast for free at iTunes or at my website, jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And you spell my last name, D-O-R-E.
Today's show was written by Frank Conniff, Mike McRae, Steve Rosenfield, Steph Zamarano, and Robert Yasamura.
All of the hilarious voices on today's show were performed by Mike McRae, MikeMcRae at MikeMcRae.com.
The voice of Sarah Palin and Charlie Sheen performed by the one and only Ben Zelavansky.
Who also get those calls?
And you can catch Ben at benandalics.tv.
I want to take time to thank a couple of people who donate their time and talent to the Jimmy Door show.
First up, Sean James, our Mac genius, helps us with all our Macintosh computer problems.
He's a whiz, and he can be reached at MacHelp at SeanJames.com.
Sean being spelled S-H-A-U-N.
And another fella who donates his talents to the show and time.
We really appreciate it.
Frank Pulaski from Dreamtime Films.
Frank Pulaski takes some of the phone calls we do.
He puts video to it in quite an amazing way.
And if you'd like to check those out, they're at the jimmydoorcomedy.com.
They're up on my Facebook page or my YouTube page.
That's where they all are.
Okay.
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