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Dec. 22, 2011 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Time Text
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk on your TV alley.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore!
Welcome to this week's show.
I am joined in studio from Dinner and a Movie on TBS and the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast.
It's Paul Gil Martin.
Hi, Paul.
Jimmy.
Paul, you look bright-eyed.
Do I?
Yes, you do.
Today, you do.
How you feeling?
I'm concerned about the other days.
That's how I'm feeling.
We've been concerned.
Yeah.
Next to him, a former writer for The Daily Show, hilarious comedian, and he's got a new book.
What's the name of the book, Jim?
It's called Morning Remembrance, Jimmy.
A bunch of obituaries.
And we're going to read some of those, right, right away.
Oh, really?
Okay.
Well, we got the Kim Jong-il coming up.
Next to him.
Jim Earl is his name.
Oh, I didn't say his name.
Oh, Jim Earl.
Oh, thank you very much.
We got Jim, but we didn't get Earl.
Oh, Jim Earl.
Thank you very much, Mr. Gilmartin.
Okay, Jim Earl.
And next to him, former writer for The Daily Show, hilarious comedian, Steve Rosenfield.
Hey, Steve.
Hey, Jimmy, how you doing?
I'm doing good.
I like you in brown.
I like you in brown.
I think it's your color.
Brown goes nice with your salt and pepper hair.
I think it goes nice.
I'm going gray.
No, no, no.
Salt and pepper.
And next to him from the Mystery Science Theater 3000, now cinematictitanic.com and hilarious Twitter were, it's Frank Conniff.
Hey, Frank.
Hey, Jimmy.
How you doing?
Frank, I saw you on the Keith Oberman show last night.
And you did a great job on it.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
It looked like it was a richly rewarding experience.
It was deeply satisfying.
Well, I just going to say nice job.
It is a nice job.
Okay, so we're going to start Kim Jong-il.
Or as Rick Perry refers to him, Kim Jong II.
He died.
Ladies and gentlemen, he died.
Are you all sad about it?
I'm sad about it.
My heart goes out to all the North Koreans feigning sadness.
Yes, you know that that's actually, we're going to talk about that.
That's that you get paid more in North Korea if you cry better.
The people who cry harder on camera actually get paid.
So yes, and you know, it's just a bad time of year for this to happen.
Cry hard is a huge hit movie.
Yeah, they love Cry Hard and Cry Hard 2, Cry Harder.
It's just weird now that, because this was the time of year that Kim Jong liked to get in his new Lexus with a red bow on the top and run over his enemies.
And then now his son's going to take over.
And I don't know about you, but don't you just laugh at countries that let the idiot son of a failed leader take over?
Bang!
Bang!
Okay, we've got a lot of stuff coming up.
We're going to talk about Newt Gingrich.
Why?
You know what?
The Republicans really hadn't taken a look at Newt Gingrich before this because, you know, it's impolite to stare at a fat guy.
But now they're taking a hard look at him and he's going down pretty fast.
He's got more strikes against him than the 90s New York Mets.
But here we go.
Right now, Jim Earl, we're going to have him read Start Off the Day.
Oh, let me get the music ready.
Okay, so now it's Jim Earl reading from the new book out, Morning Remembrance.
It's funny obituaries.
Yeah, of real people.
Of real people, though.
Only this one won't be in it because I just wrote this one and the book came out before.
But other ones like just like this will be in there.
Okay, all right, so I'm going to play the music, Jim, and then you just let her rip.
Kim Jong-il, Liz Taylor fan, billionaire job creator.
Free and leader Kim Jong-il, who for 17 agonizing years revealed to the world the true nature behind most foreign film buffs, is now wearing a brown jumpsuit of dirt.
Jong-il reportedly died of a heart attack on his train while traveling between two vacation famine areas.
A recent psychological evaluation by researchers at the University of Colorado concluded that Kim Jong-il shared the same personality disorders as Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, and most talk show hosts.
During his reign, Kim Jong-il ruled over his citizens with a doughy fist and was often referred to as the supreme leader, our father, the general, and his favorite, Fard Farkle.
Fart Farkle.
When he was being groomed for office in the early 90s, radio broadcasts started referring to him as dear father instead of dear leader, suggesting he was either getting a promotion or the country just wanted to borrow money for a date.
Father.
After taking power in 1994, he continued his father's policies and devoted much of the country's scarce resources to building the world's fifth largest buffant.
LAUGHTER He leaves behind his three sons.
Why did he take so long to die?
Do tell and what the hey.
Those are funny.
Those are funny names.
Yeah, you got to read those.
That's kind of a visual two piece.
It's out in the book, though.
It's an extra.
Yeah, it's an extra.
Okay, and that comes from the new book by Jim Earl entitled Morning Remembrance.
It's out everywhere on Amazon.com, but don't buy it there.
Buy it at createspace.com.
Createspace.com.
Yeah, I get more of a royalty on that.
What if they go, is there a link at your website, Jim?
Yes, there is.
Oh, and your website is jimearl.com, correct?
Or on Facebook.
Okay, so there's lots of ways to get this book.
North Korea is printing counterfeit versions of that book already.
Well, I hope so.
I need the publicity.
Well, that's one of the good things about that this could happen is that now maybe we'll get cheap animators from North Korea.
Okay, so let's move on with what's coming up on the rest of today's show.
Okay, so we're going to talk about Newt Gingrich, how he's gone down on the polls.
There's a new endorsement for Mitt Romney out there.
Plus, we talk about what Herman Kane wants to do for his next job.
Also, my favorite, the Iraq War is officially over.
That's what they say.
The Iraq War is officially over.
And we look at some of the knuckleheads who think it was a good idea.
Plus, we're going to have a phone call from Jesse Ventura calls in later today.
We heard from Jim Hightower, and we're going to have some more obituaries from Jim Earl from his new book, Morning Remembrance, that's coming up today on the Jimmy Dore show.
Time for another installment of Oh My God.
Okay, starting us off on this week's Oh My God.
Coming up in a second is Christine O'Donnell.
But right now, starting us off on this week's Oh My God, Fox Business Channel is just really a well of information that never ends.
Misinformation that never ends.
So here is the reason why the golf oil spill that happened a year ago, right?
So the golf oil spill year.
They couldn't cap the thing for three months, didn't even have a plan on how to do it.
So, and I'm sure nothing happened bad to the Gulf.
And you know what?
I prefer, you know, I can use less oil when I fry my shrimp now.
That's a big shrimp guy, not big on the oil.
It already comes with some of it in it.
So here's the reason why the BP oil catastrophe was such a catastrophe.
You ready?
Who do you think's to blame?
Was it BP?
Should they blame?
You think maybe it's the regulators who didn't do their job?
You think they're to blame?
I don't know who was to blame.
This guy does, though, from Fox Business.
I would just point out that the reason why you had BP being such a problem, Adam, is because it was so far offshore.
And the reason why it was so far offshore is because of environmental reasons.
That's why.
Oh, my God.
That's right.
The reason why it was such a disaster was because of the environmentalists.
And if the oil rig had just been close to the shore, the disaster teams could have been there in like 10 minutes.
Right.
And then they wouldn't have, you know, done anything for about three months.
That's like saying that if you blaming a rape because somebody couldn't buy a Playboy to 7-Eleven.
Wow.
Is that that Eric Bowley or whatever that guy's name is?
Yeah, he's like the new crazy guy there.
But that is the miracle of oil, though.
No matter how far out you send it, it still finds the beaches.
I don't know how.
Nature's wonders.
And it's the goddamn environmentalists, once again, willing to risk catastrophic damage to the Gulf Coast with their concern for the environment.
It's kind of ironic.
We end up, we're trying to help the environment.
Yeah, so.
And because of the environmentalists, we don't have like helicopters and planes that can get out to the oil rig.
No, it's their fault.
Frank, what you're saying is we have to stop these environmentalists.
We must.
We must.
40 years of environmental regulations and our air and water are dirtier than ever.
We've got to get rid of this advantage.
That's right.
He's reminding us.
We need to trust the corporations because they always do the right thing.
I'm with you.
Okay, so that's a nice start off to our oh my god, wouldn't you say?
Yeah.
In fact, I like it so much.
I'm going to play it again.
I would just point out that the reason why you had BP being such a problem, Adam, is because it was so far offshore.
And the reason why it was so far offshore is because of environmental reasons.
That's why.
That's why they build these.
God damn you.
I'll tell you right now, those Greenpeace people are going to get an earful from me next time.
Next time I go to the Whole Foods parking lot.
Thanks for the oil spill, ass wipes.
Okay, so now we'll move on to our next.
So we had three clips today in the Oh My God segment.
And right now, have you ever noticed that whenever one Republican stops saying stupid things, another one seems to step right in and take their place?
Oh, sure.
Right.
So, well, shortly after Herman Kane bid us adie with his wise quotes from the Pokemon movie, Christine O'Donnell got the call to come off the bench and quote another children's show.
Her own thoughts in her head.
Okay.
And my question, so CNN brings on Christine O'Donnell to talk about the Republican.
Where were the other guests they couldn't get that day?
The intern was busy?
She's not even an elected official.
Why?
She never won any office.
Nothing.
She won nothing.
So just because you ran for office, I don't get it.
It makes you an expert as a Republican.
Monty Rock III would have been more relevant.
Oh, man, I love that reference again.
Monty Rock.
Mrs. Miller would have been a better guest.
She's qualified to be a Republican senator because she doesn't know that the establishment clause is in the First Amendment.
Remember that?
What?
Check race in the church state that's in the First Amendment?
Okay, that was her.
Okay.
So here we go.
And so here's what she's she was on with Carol Costello, one of my faves.
Remember Carol Costello?
She asked the question, the poor, how much responsibility do they have for the bad economy?
That was Carol Costello's question.
Now she's talking with Christine O'Donnell, and here she has to say, do you like Mitt Romney?
I like Mitt Romney.
And I do have to say that, you know, this is something I gave a lot of thought to.
Yeah, she gave a lot of thought to it, right?
No, a lot of thought for her is not.
No thoughts.
It's relative.
Her volume of relative, thinking it's relative.
For most people, it'd be like a quiz in Cosmo, right?
That's the kind of thinking she gave it to her.
Or, you know, the deciding between seven upper sprite.
That's the kind of level for a regular person.
But for her, she's really jamming.
Okay, so let's get back.
I like all of the candidates, but there are certain things like executive experience, consistency, that are deal breakers or tiebreakers for me.
Yeah, yeah.
She said executive experience, consistency.
The most frightening thing to me is she said, I like all the candidates.
When I look at all the GOP candidates lined up, I think the Mayans might be right.
She likes all the candidates.
That statement alone should nullify anything she has said, right?
She's willing to not have sex with all of them.
Oh, because she, that's right.
In that case, everybody's a winner.
She says, executive experience from a lady who's never won an election in her life.
But she's managed to pay her rent by running for office.
It's actually how she makes her living.
This is true.
She runs for office and she pays her rent and her expenses with campaign contributions.
She's under investigation for that.
Yes, that is correct.
She couldn't even run her own campaign, yet she's an expert on executive experience.
And then she runs right into consistency.
She says it.
That's the reason she's endorsing Mitt Romney because of his consistent.
He's only been consistent about two things.
One, that he's not consistent, and two, he's not black.
Those are the two things he's been consistent about.
Okay, she could have said anything else.
I like his hair or, you know, put an eye patch on him and I'll buy whiskey from this guy.
Just anything.
So here's what Carol Costello says back to him, okay?
Some people say that Mitt Romney isn't the most consistent candidate because he's changed his minds about big, important issues over the years.
Okay, first of all, tip of the hat to Carol Costello actually asking that question and not letting it sail through.
Wait a minute.
He hasn't been consistent.
You know, that's one of the things that I like about him.
That he's not consistent.
Did I say consistent?
I didn't mean that.
Okay, ready?
She's got a little bit more.
Ready?
Because he's been consistent since he changed his mind.
She didn't win.
He was consistent before he was against consistency.
Wouldn't it have been like journalistically ethical for the reporter at that point to say, look, we have idiots out all day, but this is too much.
She has a little bit more to say.
Lynn Costello said, what?
And then O'Donnell said, no, what's on first base?
And it went on from there for about an hour.
Enough to say, I don't always have the right answers.
And he's open to other viewpoints.
And if it doesn't betray his core convictions, he'll make the necessary changes.
And you saw him lead in Massachusetts with that.
Yeah.
So, you know, if it doesn't go against his core, like abortion, that wouldn't be a core belief.
Right, how he flip-flops back on that left and right.
So what she likes about Mitt Romney is that he's a liberal, open, with an open mind.
She's got no problem with that.
She wants a leader who can allow for his thoughts to evolve and be dynamic.
But I'm pretty sure that's not something she thinks so much as something that her mouth is doing as a reflex, right?
But His core beliefs that he believes deep down is that I should say and do anything to achieve power.
Yes, and to please whatever crowd is in front of me.
I'll say whatever.
To get your vote, I'll say whatever it takes.
He believes that very strongly.
He really wants to be president.
Yes, he's very, he has great conviction about the fact that he wants to say anything he can to become president.
You know, if I was Christine O'Donnell, well, I'd be first of all, I'd be happier, right?
Because believing that Jesus makes global warming go away, it's not, I mean, that's comforting, isn't it?
But if I were Christine O'Donnell, I'd put a big post-it note in my mirror that reads, Don't trust your ability to answer questions about things.
That would be right there on my mirror every day when I went to put on my makeup and my witch hat.
Your witch hat.
Yes.
So do you want to, you know what?
If I can, if you can indulge me, I just want to hear her say that again because it was pretty.
What is it about his consistency that you like?
He's been consistent since he changed his mind.
Okay, that's enough.
I just wanted to play that again.
Wasn't that fun?
Did you all see it?
That was classic O'Donnell.
Okay.
Okay, fellas.
I jumped the gun.
It's not over.
We have one more clip to play in this week's Oh My God segment.
This is an extended.
Oh my God.
I get it.
Okay.
So Herman Cain sat down with Barbara Walters.
Herman Kane sat down with Barbara Walters, and she asks him, What job would you consider taking in the cabinet?
If you would like a job, what would it be?
And I want you, here's his response to that question.
What cabinet post would you take in a Republican administration?
Or would you seek?
But listen to Barbara Walters' response to what he says.
Okay, so let's listen for what Barbara says after.
Okay, here we go.
Ready?
Department of Defense.
What?
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER I've never heard her say that.
Yeah, she's interviewed dictators, and she's never reacted like that to anyone.
What?
She's like a straight man.
What are you saying?
What?
This is Ubecky Becky Becky Stan wants to be the defense, the Secretary of Defense.
Ubecky Becky Becky Stan doesn't know about Libya, doesn't he?
So here we go.
Okay, ready?
Hang on.
Let's hear it all the way through.
Department of Defense.
What?
Treasury?
I mean, you're the 999.
I'm the 999.
Why, Department of Defense?
Because if I could influence rebuilding our military the way it should be, that would be a task I would consider undertaking.
If you were Secretary of Defense, it would be important to be familiar with the various countries around the world.
And you have had some difficulty with that, Mr. King.
Yes, but I have been doing my homework ever since that difficulty.
You bought a globe.
Besides, there's a lot of good in the Pentagon.
And that's important.
That is important.
They can't get away from you because it's the way it's designed.
They're running it to the police.
They're running at borders all the time.
And that's what we need in our foreign policy: it being guided by somebody who promises us they're doing their homework.
And of course, as he says, and every Republican says, the military, of course, needs to be rebuilt because we don't spend nearly enough money on it.
No, you got to keep rebuilding.
We've only doubled the Defense Department's budget for the last 10 years.
We need to rebuild it.
Double it.
Yeah.
Redouble.
Redouble.
Fire some more teachers if we could just funnel some of that teacher money into the Pentagon where it could do some good.
That's what we're talking about.
Maybe we should start housing homeless people on submarines.
Maybe that'll take care of itself.
You know, I'm just glad he didn't say the Department of Pizza.
Okay.
That's what I was expecting him to say.
Yeah.
After he was rebuilt.
And he wouldn't be qualified to run that either because he makes crappy pizza.
It's just like, yeah, well, after I got publicly humiliated for not knowing anything about foreign policy and I was wanting to be the most powerful man in the world, after that happened, I started studying.
And right after I got that girl pregnant, I started wearing condoms.
He didn't know China had nuclear weapons, and he wants to be the Secretary of Defense.
The sense of entitlement is just well, you know.
I think he's just kidding.
I swear.
I just think he's putting us on.
Well, let's let's well, certainly Barbara Walters didn't think so.
Department of Defense.
What?
Okay, now that's the end.
Was he weirdly smacking his lips right after that?
Because you can hear right after.
He always does that.
Department of Defense.
When he's lying, right?
Yeah, he does that.
That's his tell.
That's his tell.
Yeah.
His only major foreign policy thing that he ever said before was he wanted to change the name of Air Force One to the wagon.
One.
Which one?
Okay.
Now, you know, I've said it before.
I'll say it again.
The more Herman Kane talks, the more I think the pizza business pretty much runs itself.
Yes.
Okay.
So that's the official end of Oh My God.
This has been, oh my God.
Oh my God.
Okay, so coming up before the break, we're going to have another obituary from Morning Remembrance from Jim Earl, the new book that's out available now.
And where should they go get it, Jim?
You could find a link at my website, Facebook or createspace.com.
Okay, no, right now, Newt Gingrich is plummeting in the polls, right?
He was the front.
And the thing that makes this so sad is now Rick Santorum thinks he has a shot.
You know what I mean?
Hey, when's it my turn?
No, it's not your turn.
His poll standings are lower than his right now.
That seems gratuitous.
Just pointing out he has low poll numbers now.
Okay, I got you.
Okay, so what brought Newt Gingrich down, right?
Because he seemed like the perfect Republican candidate, right?
He was dumpy, hypocrite, hypocrite, dumpy, mean-spirited, and women hate him.
So he's perfect.
And old to boot.
Yeah.
And right, and old and an insider.
So he seemed perfect.
And bloated in white.
And yes, but he knows how to dodge cancer.
Yes.
And he, you know, what the thing, I think the problem was he was the only guy with a real health care plan.
And his plan was, if you get sick, he'll divorce you.
So that's, and that they got to get rid of him.
I really think, though, it was that the Republicans are done electing smart people.
And, you know, Newt Gingrich considers him, he's considered the intellect of the great intellect.
He's the brains of that field.
He was also the skinniest kid at Fat Camp.
So let's keep that in mind.
But I think they're done nominating smart people.
I really, I mean, they nominated, I mean, even John McCain, they didn't like him too much because he was too smart.
and he couldn't remember how many houses he owned.
Oh, yeah, he is.
I was just exaggerating.
But yeah, you're right.
Ron Paul is smart.
Okay, thank you.
For a racist, crazy person.
He is a crazy racist person.
Yes, he is.
Okay, thank you for pointing out the chink in that joke.
That's my job.
You guys put comedy up.
I take it down.
That's okay.
It's okay.
People are like, what's bringing Newt Gingrich down?
The thing is, Republicans, they have that Reagan rule they talk about.
You're never supposed to criticize another Republican because thou shalt.
And I think the reason is because if they ever did start criticizing another Republican, they could never stop, right?
It would just go on forever.
When Newt started surging ahead in the polls, there were like a ton of Republican elders who immediately remained silent up until then.
Right.
You know, they ran to the nearest microphone and screamed, anybody but Newt Gingrich, right?
Wasn't that weird?
Because they were willing to let Michelle Bachman go.
They allow her, by the way, to work in the same building where the Newt Codes are.
You know what I mean?
It's like it's weird.
They didn't say a word when Herman Kane was the frontrunner.
They didn't say anything when Rick Perry, Governor Rick Perry, I remember to bring a gun when I'm jogging, but I can't remember when the election day is in New Hampshire.
When he was the frontrunner, they didn't say anything.
But now that Newt Gingrich.
Because they know him personally.
That's the thing.
As much as we all disdain Newt Gingrich, and hopefully we all do, but the people who work with him are the ones who really hate him.
Yes.
You are correct, Frank.
So here's some of the commercials that they started running against Newt Gingrich.
Here's some.
It's a character problem.
doesn't have the discipline that you want in a president.
He is out in basically, he is out in the left wing of the Republican Party.
Newt has more baggage than the airlines.
As speaker, Gingrich even supported taxpayer funding of some abortions.
Newt has a ton of baggage.
He was fined $300,000 for ethics violations.
Newt Gingrich renewed his support for an individual mandate, a key tenet of President Obama's healthcare law.
Support for an individual mandate?
Folks, don't ask me to explain this.
And a real question, seriousness, serious question, seriousness.
Everything that Gingrich railed against when he was in the house, he went the other way when he got paid to go the other way.
You're an embarrassment, John Harris.
This guy hasn't got skeletons in his closets.
He's got a whole graveyard in there.
It's about serial hypocrisy.
And so they were, those are those people who were speaking were Republicans.
I love it.
And the other ad they put out was negative.
I love, by the way, that they got the music for Hunt for Red October.
Is that the music?
Is it?
That sounded like it.
It could be.
You even had like the little lasery sound at the end, a little computer chippy kind of sound.
Anybody have a theory on what's bringing Newt Gingrich down besides the fact that people he's repulsive and people remembered?
Well, the thing he said about the judges is a pretty bad thing to say.
He would fire judges who I'm sorry.
Yeah, go ahead.
Go ahead.
No, no, he would fire judges who weren't religious enough or that sort of thing.
Yeah, which was who didn't rule the way he wanted them.
He was going to not fire them.
He would arrest them.
Arrest activists.
He's called a dictatorship.
Yeah, if anyone knows that.
But that was very popular in Syria, right?
That idea.
That's how we're going to actually.
Okay.
That was my joke.
I kept trying to.
Why did I defend it?
I was setting it up.
I got excited for some.
I'm sorry, guys.
Jimmy puts the ball on the T, Steve knocks it off.
I'm setting it up for you.
I just heckled myself.
So I guess that's it.
Any, how about you, Frank?
Any idea on what's bringing Newt Gingrich down?
I think that it's, I don't even really, in a way, he's not being brought down because I think that his campaign is an incredibly successful book tour that got a little out of control.
And then for a while, people thought, oh, maybe he'll be, and even he got arrogant about it.
Remember, he gave that interview.
He said, oh, I'm going to be the nominee.
It's very clear now.
Yes.
And now it's, you know, he might drop out eventually, but it's, you know, for the Newt Gingrich brand, it's going to be a very successful endeavor on his part.
And I think that was his whole plan in the first place.
I couldn't agree with you more.
Yes.
That's why he doesn't even have a ground game still in Iowa.
He really, I was talking to a strategist who we're going to talk to him next week, Pete Delessandro from Iowa, Democratic strategist there, used to work for the governor.
And he's been telling me all about it.
He's like, yeah, Newt doesn't even have a ground game here.
So, okay.
And right now, before we get to the break, I would here comes another reading.
It's time for another.
It's an Ovo, I think.
Morning Remembrance from Jim Earl.
Obituaries of Real People.
That's right.
Arch West, creator of Doritos.
Arch West, who 50 years ago took a warehouse full of cornmeal, MSG, and pork excretions and turned it into the world's first edible superfund site, is now covered with an orange crusty coating of crispy death.
Doctors say dying was the only natural thing he did his whole life.
A company spokesperson denied West died while testing his latest creation: double-fisted kettle-cooked carburetor cleaner flavored chips with tangy asbestos.
That doesn't sound healthy.
No, it's very bad for you.
Food historians say you can find vintage examples of the first Doritos ever manufactured, still moldering inside Paul Sorvino's intestinal gas pockets.
A humble man by nature, West often declined to take full credit for Dorito's inception in 1961, instead giving most of it to NASA's helpful staff of Nazi chemists.
In 2008, the company launched Out of This World, a promotion in which they beamed a Doritos ad into a planetary system 42 light years away.
Their ultimate goal is to dissuade aliens from ever using us as their food source.
The family plans on tossing some Doritos over Wes urn before burying him, but not before they do marketing research on 3,000 other graves.
And that was Jim Earle reading another obituary of a real person from the new book, Morning Remembrance.
We'll have more on the second half.
This is the Jimmy Dore Show on Pacifica.
This is the Jimmy Dore Show.
Hello, podcast listeners.
Are you enjoying the show?
Guess what?
The show gets even more funnier in the second half.
Even more stuff happens.
And we got the Jesse Ventura phone call coming up.
We've got some more morning remembrances.
We got a sketch occupying Santa's lap from Paul Kozlowski and Eddie Pepetone coming up.
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Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
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Just go to JimmyDoorComedy.com, click on donate, become a great person.
Now, back to the show.
Okay, we're back on the Jimmy Door show on Pacificom joining studio from the Mental Illness Happy Hour Podcast.
Paul Gilmartin is with us, former writer for The Daily Show, and then he has a new book out, Morning Remembrance.
Jim Earl is here from JimEarl.com.
Next to him, former writer for the Daily Show, Steve Rosenfield, hilarious comedian, is here.
And from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Cinematic Titanic.com, it's TV's Frank.
Frank Conniff is here.
What's coming up on the rest of today's show?
We're going to talk about some viewer feedback.
We got a couple of comments over on the website we're going to talk about.
We're also going to talk about the Iraq war coming to an end and the people who think it was a good idea.
Okay, right now we're going to move on.
Okay, the Iraq war has ended, huh?
And totally it was only already?
Yeah, already, right?
So it's 10 years, a trillion dollars up front.
There's still $2 trillion coming in the back end.
That's what they say.
So a trillion dollars up front.
So we had to lay off a few teachers, but big deal, right?
So we can't fire Min Kaza, whatever.
So we can't rebuild our builds and our bridges and run.
Come on.
So we have to close parks and score.
Okay.
So we don't have enough money from whatever.
We had the war.
We had it.
It was good.
You can't have all that stuff and wars, right?
You can't have infrastructure in a country.
You can't have education, healthcare, and wars, right?
What are you?
An a-hole?
You have to choose.
So we chose, we chose the war.
And so I was watching Up With Chris Hayes.
I think it's my new favorite show because it's pretty much just like this show, right?
So it's four smart people, one dumb one.
You figure out who that is.
Hey, I'm sitting right here.
Come on.
But Chris Hayes, and they just sit around and talk about the issues.
And that's turns out I don't need a bunch of jump cuts and graphics when I'm watching an information show.
Turns out I like that show.
So here's, there's a guy on, he's a linguist.
His name is John McWhorton.
And well, here's what he has to say about the Iraq war.
Yeah, it's unclear to me that anybody could say that one could have known that this is the way it was going to turn out at the beginning.
I was very much in favor of the Iraq war.
There was a war that I was in favor of.
And it wasn't because of WMD, although I admit that Colin Powell suckered me.
I remember I was on a book tour and made time to watch.
But also the argument that more readerly people got into, which was that we could build a democracy and have it be a model.
That made perfect sense to me.
It was botched.
We fired the army.
We didn't have it on lockdown to electrify the country, etc.
It was a complete mess.
And I think anybody would say that now.
But no one can say that in 2003, they knew that it was going to be this way unless they somehow knew that they shouldn't trust power, which I think is.
Okay, so I'll stop it at his second laugh line.
How about that?
We'll stop it right here.
You know, this guy, she says, a linguist?
He's a linguist.
I would never eat his linguine ever.
This guy is very famous linguist, and also he's a senior fellow at the Manhattan Institute, which is a conservative think tank.
What he said just now seemed like a senior moment to me.
Yeah, he was.
So he's an African-American guy.
So, of course, I immediately think he's not.
I think he's a progressive, right?
Immediately, I think, oh, he's a black in America.
You're probably a progressive, right?
And he looks intelligent, right?
So turns out, I guess he is intelligent, right?
He's a professor, and he's famous, and he's a senior fellow, and he has a PhD and stuff.
But he seems to be, he's trying to get his doctorate right now and getting stuff wrong, it seems like.
He is, but let me play two more clips, and then we'll come around.
The idea at the time, though, was that it wasn't going to be $113,000.
Of course, that it was going to be something short.
And we were told mechanically how that could possibly happen.
And my thought was, I would actually go over there and lose my life or lose a limb in order to create this kind of thing.
Why didn't you go to help people?
Yeah, why didn't you go?
And he never answers that question.
He ignores her asking that.
She's sitting right next to him.
That is such an hideous thing to say that I was willing to go lose my life or limb.
He didn't go.
I was willing.
How dare you?
Yes.
I would have gone, but I had an income as opposed to the people.
I was on a book tour at the time.
I was going to go.
Yeah, he was on a book tour.
I was going to go lose a limb.
Oh, and he made time out to watch Colin Powell's speech.
And he suckered me in.
It's Colin Powell's fault.
And I was willing to lose a limb, but I had to go.
But the great fallacy that they all say, it's not just this guy.
Everyone who supported the war who hasn't, you know, said they were wrong to support it.
They all say, how could we have possibly known at the time?
And if you look back, the truth is there was a ton of information out there that could have told you.
Yes.
And just having a basic distrust of Bush and Cheney, which I, you know, which a lot of people, which was very reasonable thing.
I read a book on the Middle East in 2000, maybe.
And one of the things it talked about in Iraq was that there is this simmering cauldron of hate between the Shia and the Sunni.
And Saddam Hussein is keeping a lid on that.
Love it or hate it.
And so when I saw that we were invading, I thought, oh my God, what's going to happen now that the lid is off of this thing?
This is not going to be manageable.
I knew that.
You knew that.
I'm a jackass.
Yes.
You're a guy who hosts a cooking show.
There was better information about Iraq on dinner in a movie than there was on the cable news channel.
This guy.
He didn't know not to trust power.
He's black.
I know.
He's like, his ancestors were slaves.
Don't trust Whitey is my argument.
I don't trust Whitey.
Watergate.
Well, now after four years of Obama, we know that we can't trust black people either.
Oh, boy.
So no matter who's in power, you can't trust, right?
That is a fake argument that, oh, even without the weapons, we had to make a democracy.
That's bullshit.
Because they couldn't have gone in without the phony weapons argument.
That led everything.
And then after we were already in, then he said, well, even if it wasn't weapons, he's a bad guy.
Anyway, that's all excuses later.
But you couldn't go in without the weapons.
There was never clear evidence of that.
That exact point, Steve.
Krista Freelander, who is the senior editor-at-large for Reuters, right?
She was on one of my favorite shows, Left, Right, and Right, Right and Right, over at KCRW.
They call it Left, Right, and Center, but it's really left, right, right, and little writer.
So here, so here's what she had to say about it, ready?
I do think that it's worth remembering that Iraq was ruled by one of the world's most brutal dictators.
And it's a good thing that he doesn't rule Iraq anymore.
It's a good thing for the people of Iraq.
And I think that it is worth asking, would the Arab Spring have happened had Iraq still been ruled by its dictator?
And I think that there are lots of reasons to argue that it may not have.
So, you know, while Robert is absolutely right, the war was begun on false pretext and probably shouldn't have happened.
I think that it is.
No, let's just let that sink in for a second before we go on with What she said, that there was a false war.
A false pretext to send a country into war in the world.
Killing people.
To go bring bombs, guns, bullets, and put them inside of other people and blow them up and kill them.
So, yeah, so yeah, we did that all on a lie.
Okay, granted.
So, okay.
We roll the dice on other people's limbs and lives.
We blow up other people's countries, Paul.
Yes, and by the way, the Arab Spring started in Africa, not the Middle East.
Not the Middle East, correct.
Isn't it like Tunisia?
Correct, Paul.
Paul, you are correct.
Okay.
I can never hear that enough, by the way.
In fact, the argument is that, see, the Arab Spring showed you that this is how you should do it.
Exactly.
It's got to happen organically from the inside.
From the inside.
That's the exact.
And she draws the exact wrong conclusion from that.
And she is the editor at large for Reuters.
She went to Harvard and she's dumber than a couple of jackass comedians.
And these are the people who are in charge of our information.
Well, also, all of the people who in the press who supported the war and reported Bush and Cheney's lies as if they were the truth and without questioning them, those people are all still just as successful today as they were.
They all are on TV just as much as they were back then.
No one's career has suffered as a result.
And so they have to keep that lie going.
They can't come out and say we were lied into a war and we helped the Bush administration with that lie by reporting it without questioning it.
They can't say that.
What they can say is, oh, how could anybody have known at the time?
She has more to say.
And probably shouldn't have happened.
I think that it is worth celebrating the fact that the Arab world is moving away from authoritarianism.
Is that going to be an easy process?
Absolutely not.
Is it something that we should disavow just because it's going to take a long time and will be difficult?
And probably truthfully, dealing with dictators can be easier for the West.
No, I don't think we should disavow it.
I think people in the Arab world have as much of a right and actually as passionate a desire to live in freedom as we do.
And if you look at the people of Syria, how remarkable is that?
And she's trying to make anything, she's trying to equate everything with Iraq.
The Arab Spring, Arabs are progressing, Syria.
It's all because we started this illegal war where we had to kill 100,000 or so people and ruin a country, ruin that country, ruin it.
And now there's 3 million people fled the country.
So another million displaced.
Over 100,000 conservative estimates.
Okay, so she has one.
Let's just, she has one more thing to say, and that's all for the clips, and then we'll talk about it.
For sure, the Arab Spring shows that it's much better when dictators are overthrown from within.
My only point to the very valid view, the very valid criticism of the Bush presidency that the war in Iraq was pure folly, purely based on lies.
Yes, but it was directed at an evil person and an evil regime, and it did lead to liberation.
Well, Mark, so lies are good.
Lies are good sometimes.
Sometimes it's good.
Sure, our leaders did the worst thing human beings are capable of, killing people for money and power and lying and deceiving their own people to do it.
And then, you know, when you start a legal war, you use naked aggression and planned willful killing for profit.
But sometimes when you do those things, there's a silver lining.
Sometimes.
There's a silver lining to a bunker buster bomb coming into your home and killing your children.
Yes, over a lie.
Yeah.
What kind of freedom are all the innocent people that were killed in that war that wasn't necessary and was started under false premises?
What kind of freedom are they all experiencing now, all the innocent people that died?
That kind of gambling is okay, but online poker is no.
Yeah.
Because bad things could happen without gasping.
Yes, yes.
So, you know, so it's, there's actually, it's a good thing.
It should be celebrated.
Who else do you think wouldn't be celebrating it?
Is it the over 100,000 people?
I feel like the gist of what she was saying is: look, the Iraq war was a mistake.
But as a Washington-based journalist, I'm going to run into people at cocktail parties that started it.
And I don't want it to be awkward.
So I don't want to say that they're all a bunch of liars.
So I'm going to give them some guarded praise because it'll make the Christmas party that much more bearable.
100,000 people dead.
Right?
Do you think they were celebrating it?
You think they're celebrating it?
How about the end of the day?
And also, our whole economic crisis is based also largely on the fact that we finance this war without raising anybody's without saying that nobody has to pay.
We cut taxes.
And now we're in this gigantic mess that this war started under false pretenses is a big part of causing.
And no one still, no one ever says we can't afford these wars.
No one has ever said that.
In our economy, the rating of our economy has been downgraded.
Yes, right.
But no one ever says, they're always saying we can't afford Medicare.
We can't afford Social Security.
No one ever says we can't, besides Ron Paul.
Besides Ron Paul, go ahead, Jim.
Any of you guys getting the new white iPhone?
Oh, I can't wait for that.
The silver lining in this whole thing was destroyed by a bomb.
There is no silver selling.
There is no silver lining.
I just want to make a point about that.
I don't know who she is.
She's got to be a Republican because she's basically apologizing for Bush.
Is that the arrogance of saying we made this huge mistake?
It cost a trillion dollars.
We killed these people, but we got rid of a dictator.
There's a thousand dictators in this world anyway.
The other thing is we were trying to give them freedom.
Do we have the freedom to be lied at and entering this war?
We're lied to every day of the week.
What good is our freedom?
Hopefully we can set up a democracy in Iraq where their leaders will also lie to their people and take them into phony wars.
Just like us.
But it'll be for a good reason, right?
It's a lot of people.
How about a fair election over here?
And now all of them want to go to war with Iran, which is a very dangerous place because we went to war with Iraq.
Yes, so what we've actually done is the exact.
So she's saying that we should be celebrating.
It's the opposite.
What Paul said earlier is that now our real enemy, which is Iran, now has nothing but influence in Iraq.
They're pretty much running Iraq now.
So we've done the opposite of what we wanted to do.
We have thousands of dead soldiers.
We have tens of thousands of injured soldiers.
We can't afford teachers and cops and firemen in our own damn country because we, but we're better off.
We're better off that we had an illegal, immoral, voluntary orgy of killing for profit.
That's really better, right?
Well, but George W. Bush sure looked hot in that flight.
Oh, what a cod piece.
Oh, man.
Play devil's advocate for a second, Jimmy.
What if over the next 10 years, a viable democracy did take place in Iraq?
Would it then have been worth it?
What if everybody found a million dollars underneath their pillow in Iraq?
Would it be worth it then?
Maybe that democracy would have happened anyway in 10 years because of the Arab Spring.
Frank, do you have an Irish Spring comment you'd like to make?
Genocidal, yes, but I like it too.
The Jimmy Dora show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
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And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
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Okay, now I'm going to shift gears in a hard way.
Our good friend Paul Kozlowski from the fake gallery.
You know, Paul Kowslowski, hilarious guy.
He did a sketch with Jim Earl, Frank Conniff, and it's got a Christmassy theme.
So let's go ahead and play it.
Hey, guys, I really think this could bring us back our innocence.
Eddie, I don't think sitting on another man's lap is going to bring back my innocence.
It's going to bring back some other things I don't want to think about for my childhood.
For Christ's sake, we need intimacy, okay?
This is about intimacy.
Eddie, what are you going to ask for?
To this Santa guy?
Yeah.
I want to be able to run naked when I want to in public.
Yeah, I don't think you should have started that here in line with all these kids around.
I don't know why everybody's staring.
Haven't they seen a guy who hasn't taken care of himself?
It is hot in this mall, so I don't blame you for getting more comfortable.
Finally, it's our turn.
Just one at a time, children.
One at a time.
Santa's here all night.
So what would you like for Christmas?
Yeah, I wanted things laser off my back.
You see him?
Aren't they?
I believe what is that?
I'll see what I can do, young fella.
Have a candy cane.
Next.
What I really could use is a Ronco salad shooter.
Oh, no.
You'll shoot your eye out.
Santa, I just remembered I want something else.
Eddie, he's talking to me, Eddie.
I want military great pepper spray.
All right.
But be careful with that.
He gets pepper spray, and I can't even get a salad shooter.
You'll put your eye out.
Santa, listen, all of your presents, I've noticed this.
All of the great presents go to the top 1% of people in this country.
We are not leaving this line until you start giving presents to the other 99%.
How's that for being topical, huh?
Don't you know the top 1% are the present creators?
Mike check!
Mike Check!
We, we, the overgrown.
Eddie, I don't need to repeat.
They can hear you.
Alban, you're not doing mic.
I went over.
All right, we're not doing mic check.
We don't over this.
We, the, we, the all of them.
Adult children of Los Angeles are occupying Santa Claus.
Hey, young man, get your finger off that trigger.
Eddie, you're spraying.
God damn it!
My eyes!
Wow!
Frank, Eddie, quick!
Down the sand slide!
Pain is unbearable!
Ho ho ho!
Oh my God!
Jesus!
Ho ho ho!
Oh my God!
And that was our Christmas sketch by Frank Conniff, Jim Earl, Paul Kozlowski, and Eddie Pepetone.
That was very nice.
And now it's time for our final obituary for the evening.
And this is, I like to have a lot of obituaries around the holidays.
So, Jim, who's this?
Who died this time?
Susan Atkins.
Okay, so let me get the music ready for you.
Hang on.
Susan Atkins, who is she, Jim?
She was one of the Manson kids.
Susan Atkins, whose fame stems mainly from the fact that she's not nearly as cute as Squeaky From, is dead.
Atkins lived a quiet middle-class existence during her early years, singing in her church choir and helping out with numerous charity stabbings.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
After running away from home, the teenage Atkins was fortunate enough to meet up with our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, who asked her to live with him at Spawn's Ranch.
It was there that Jesus taught her the finer points of robbery, murder, and pitching songs to music execs.
Atkins bragged that at the crime scene, she tasted the blood of Sharon Tate.
But what she didn't know was that Tex Watson secretly replaced the blood of Tate with that of coffee arris Abigail Folger.
Let's see how she reacts.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Relatives and loved ones can console themselves with the thought that Susan is now up in heaven giving gonorrhea to Dennis Wilson.
Oh, that was a beautiful.
And that was another morning remembrance from Jim Earl and his new book, Morning Remembrance, which can be found at JimEarl.com.
With an afterword by Rachel Maddow.
With an afterword by Rachel Maddow and an introduction from Mark Marin.
Okay, so it's a full book chock full of stuff about people who are dead, and then we make fun of their lives.
That's right.
I couldn't ask for any better Christmas present.
People are dead, and then we make fun of their lives.
I never heard a better description.
And I got a moment to sit down and talk with former Governor Jesse Ventura about why he's not in the presidential debates this year.
Yeah.
Hello, is this Jesse Ventura?
Are we on?
It depends on who's calling.
Is this Jimmy Dore from KPFK?
Yes, this is Merry Christmas, Jesse.
Well, I don't celebrate any Christian holidays, but I will wish you a happy solstice.
Oh, thank you very much.
I have to guard this line.
This is a protected line on the phone.
And I don't accept any calls from bill collectors or intelligence operatives.
So, Jesse, how come you're not in debates?
Well, that's the question that I've been asking, and all I'm doing is asking questions.
Let me tell you why my theory that I've put together so far in consultation with a number of experts.
Okay.
My understanding is that they simply can't handle the caliber of truth that I would unleash on them in a debate format.
I believe right now that if I chose to enter the race, and I've said numerous times that I'm not going to, but if I did, as a right-hand candidate, you're telling me you're telling me that there's enough illiterate Republican voters that I would get any traction?
I don't think so.
I think I'd have a clean sweep of the literate vote, but that's only 20 to 25 percent of the Iowa caucus.
But what I'm saying is if I was in the debate, Jimmy, what you would see, what you would see would be a supernova of truth that the mainstream media couldn't contain.
Because the first thing I do on stage is I would go up in that debate and I would tear Mitt Rodney's heart out of his chest.
predator style.
I would pull his heart out of his chest like the predator did to me and I would hold it up.
I would hold it up for everyone to see and it would be flip-flopping around in my bare hands just to show everybody what he stands for in his heart.
Which is flip-flopping.
That's all that's in his blood.
And I would drink his blood and I would spit some of it out.
And then I would, and then I would shove the heart still beating of Rick Perry's ass.
And then he, Rick Perry would be crapping Mormon blood for the rest of his life.
And let me tell you, if you have a Mormon heart in your pool, and you really are going to have a hard time coming up with a third answer.
Do you hear me, Mean Gene?
I hear you.
I hear you, Jesse.
And then the next step is I take that fat fuck, Newt Gingrich, and I put him in a suplex and I squeeze him until all his cholesterol shot out and squirt it all over the stage.
Right over Donald Trump's hairpiece and everything.
And then I'd take Ron Paul, and you know I've supported Ron Paul at times.
I think he's doing some good things.
But out of sheer inertia, I would attack him as well.
And I would bite his hand off.
I'd bite off Ron Paul's head and I'd spit it into John Hudsman's crotch.
And then I'd have a good laugh like a walrus victorious over his meeting rock as Ron Paul's headless torso flailed around on the stage.
And then just to celebrate, I'd grab Michelle Bachman and I'd give her a hard humping that she's been craving.
And she'd go back to that Jim J. Bullock husband of hers.
And let me tell you something, Gorilla Monsoon.
I'd have a threesome with the two of them.
Two-on-one handicap match.
That's the kind of commitment.
And the mainstream media doesn't want that.
You bring that kind of truth.
And guess what they're going to do?
You know exactly what they're going to do, Dan D.B. Assi.
The pundits, which the pundits are going to start in with their commentary and their little analysis.
And they're going to say that staking a heart of Rick Perry sphincter is a strategic mistake.
I saw it all when I was governor in Minnesota.
Those little 80 worms are going to say that extracting the lard out of Pete Gingrich's smelly body was some kind of political gaffe.
And they're going to say that decapitating Ron Paul is not only alienating independent voters, but that it's that it's self-sabotage for my own cause.
And they're going to say that I would have a hard time coming from behind, even though I just came from behind into Michelle Bachman.
Even with the evidence of Mitt Romney as a mutilated corpse in a pool of his own blood and puke and diss, they're still going to call him the frontrunner.
That's what's happening now.
They're setting up Barack Obama to win against whoever runs, whether I've gotten my hands on him or not.
So Jimmy, I guess that answers your question.
That's why I'm not in the race.
That's why I'm down in Mexico just simply practicing to be the best surfer that I can be.
I didn't know.
I am occasionally, I am occasionally driving up to Southern California to do a number of reconnaissance missions.
And you may have seen that I was recently pulled over for tailgating.
That was a Ventura Wildcat intelligence operation right in the Simi Valley.
I did not see you get pulled over for tailgating.
I was pulled over, but let me tell you something.
All I had to, what I did, I grabbed those two officers and I put them both in a camel clutch.
What's up?
What is a camel clutch?
A camel clutch.
Let me tell you, if you don't know what it is, you're better off for it, Jimmy Dor.
Okay.
Okay.
You know what?
I have to go do some recon.
We're having some intruders here.
They're at the perimeter.
Hold on, we've got some intruders.
They're violating the parameters at the perimeter.
I gotta go handle this.
Ventura 1 over and out.
Okay.
*Mario plays*
Okay, that was Jesse Ventura as done by a hilarious comedian and friend of our show, James Adomian.
James Adomian.
All right, that's our show.
Did you enjoy this week's show?
Today's show was produced by me.
Today's show was written.
Yes, that's right.
Today's show was written by Steve Rosenthal, Robert Gasamura, Frank Conniff, James Adomian, Jim Earl, Steph Samarano.
Look at that.
Look at all those writers.
And I want to take time out right now to thank the two people who donate their time and talents to help make the show possible.
Sean James, who is a Mac genius expert.
He helps us with all our Mac computer problems, and we have a ton, and he takes care of them for us.
And if you need him to take care of you, he can be reached at MacHelp at SeanJames.com.
And you spell Sean S-H-A-U-N.
And if you've been enjoying the videos, which I have, but Frank Pulaski puts together for us, he takes some of the phone calls that we do on the show and some of the other bits, and he puts video to them, and they are fantastic.
And that's Frank Pulaski over at Dreamy Time Films.
Frank Pulaski, big thanks for the help on the show.
And a special thanks to Paul Kozlowski and Eddie Pepetone for that hilarious Occupying Santa's lap sketch.
Thanks to Paul Kozlowski at Paul Kozlowski.com and to James Adomian for doing the voice of Jesse Ventura at jamesodomian.com.
Okay, until next week, happy holidays.
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