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Dec. 16, 2011 - Jimmy Dore Show
59:41
20111216_The_JImmy_Dore_Show_12-15-11
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Time Text
It's hard to talk in your TV algorithm.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dome.
It's Jimmy Dome.
Hi, welcome to the show.
I'm joined in studio from cinematictitanic.com.
And Mystery Science Theater 3000, it's Frank Coniff.
Hi, Frank.
How are you?
Hey, good, Jimmy.
You can hear me, Frank, and everything.
I can hear you and everything.
You look rested.
Are you?
I am rested.
I got a very nice.
Now, do you still have your depression in the...
He is angry at me because I've been referring to it as a holiday depression, not a Christmas depression.
Okay.
Thank you, Frank.
And next to Frank from Team Yasamura, hilarious comedian, Robert Yasamura.
Hey, Robert, how are you?
I'm good.
Allergies.
You look good.
Better than Frank.
I like your Thomas Dolby haircut today.
It looks very nice.
Thank you.
He blinded me with science.
And next to him from TBS's Dinner in a Movie and the Mental Illness Happy Hour Podcast.
It's Paul Gilmartin.
Hey, Paul.
Jimothy.
How are you?
I'm good.
Okay, so what's coming up on today's show?
Well, Newt Gingrich is getting some praise from Dick Cheney, which is going to help him expand his base and lock up the bloated, heartless douchebag vote.
Don't make fun of him this time of year.
This is the time of year when Newt Gingrich puts on It's a Wonderful Life and is moved to tears by Mr. Potter.
Okay, we got to do back to what's coming up on today's show.
Well, Newt Gingrich, he's pledging his marital fidelity to the Iowa conservative social group called the Family Leader.
He signed a pledge that said it is forbidden for him to commit adultery, and he says that this pledge is binding, unlike all those bullshit marriage vows he's taken.
And the Republican debate happened last Saturday, and it's so informative watching millionaire moderators ask millionaire candidates how they're going to help the middle class, isn't it?
You know, and they were all kind of, they don't want to attack each other.
They're all practicing that Ronald Reagan rule of, and, you know, watching a bunch of GOP candidates praise each other.
It's kind of like hearing Billy Ray Silas talk about the bands that influenced him.
Okay, and also, as if things couldn't get worse, Romney bet the Lord above that his life couldn't get any worse, and then Christine O'Donnell endorsed him.
And now Romney owes God 10 grand.
And, you know, he was going to make a deal with Satan, but then Ann Coulter endorsed him, and it would just seem redundant.
Okay, so that's what else is coming up?
We're going to talk about in the Oh My God segment, a little projection from our good friend Sean Hannity, a little projection from Sean Hannity.
Jerry Sandusky has a phone call into the show today.
Oh my goodness.
We have a phone call into this show from Mitt Romney who's going to call in.
Ripped Horn's Hollywood drunk tank making its second appearance on the Jimmy Doer show.
Plus, we talk about what drives me nuts about moderate Democrats and the bad job the Fourth Estate is doing, plus a lot lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Door show.
Time for another installment of Oh My God.
Okay, now on today's Oh My God segment, before we forget, because while we were making the switch over to this segment, Frank said something interesting.
He thinks Ron Paul's going to win in Iowa.
Yeah, some people, other people are saying it, and it just seems like, well, for one thing, nothing in these caucuses and primaries ever happened the way the experts say it's going to happen.
There's always like a big surprise.
So I just have a feeling Ron Paul has a lot of very passionate support, and he's not, he doesn't have the baggage that Gingrich has.
I mean, if you're a real evangelical, deeply Christian person, how would you ever vote for Gingrich?
You can't vote for Gingrich.
You can't vote for Romney because he's a pretend Christian.
So I think, yeah, Gingrich is doing well in the polls, but I think ultimately when people go to vote, I think they're going to vote, at least in Iowa, at the caucus.
I think they're going to vote for Ron Paul.
And it's really, Iowa caucus is really important.
Just ask President Huckabee.
It's a very.
It's a good formula for a joke, Frank.
That's a really nice formula.
All right.
So we'll get back to the oh my God.
I agree with you.
I think Ron Paul is going to make a bigger showing there.
I think he just might steal that Iowa caucus, right, which will scare the hell out of everybody.
And the thing that'll be great for us is it'll put the whole election into complete chaos, which is what we want.
It's exactly what we want.
Okay, so let's get going.
So Sean Hannity, now I'm not a psychiatrist, and apparently neither has he seen one.
Because here he is describing what's wrong with the left in America.
Ready?
What happens when people who worship at the altar of any political ideology have to face reality?
They don't adjust to the reality.
They simply deny it.
You know, like global warming, climate change, evolution, things like that.
So that's the people he's talking about, right?
No, no, he's talking about other people.
I mean, I've talked about Obama mania.
This is it.
The facts, every fact shows you something contrary to what you're saying.
But you're so locked into your ideology, you'll ignore the truth and go on television and repeat it as though somehow it's true, hoping that some percentage of the American people will buy into your lie and fairy tale.
I thought he was reading the Fox News mission statement for a second.
That was, you know, what you just witnessed was the sociological equivalent of a guy farting and then asking who farted.
Yeah.
That was pretty.
Is that shocking enough for you?
Is that.
You know, because it's Sean Hannity, you can't really be shocked.
You can't really be shocked.
It's just what form will his uninformed outrage take.
It's like listening to a gay guy try to pretend he's straight and talking about how hot a word is.
Well, we're not talking about Rick Perry.
It really is, right?
Don't you think?
It's like he's I want to hear it one more time, actually.
I'm going to hear it.
Let's hear it.
What happens when people who worship at the altar of any political ideology have to face reality?
They don't adjust to the reality.
They simply deny it.
I mean, I've talked about Obama mania.
This is it.
The facts, every fact shows you something contrary to what you're saying.
But you're so locked into your ideology, you'll ignore the truth and go on television and repeat it as though somehow it's true, hoping that some percentage of the American people will buy into your lie and fairy tale.
He's actually just looking in the mirror and talking himself before he goes on.
He is.
It's so everything he's ever done.
Everything he's ever done.
By the way, Obama Mania, best show I ever saw.
Yeah, on Broadway.
Not Obama, but an Incredible simulation.
Yeah, he did a lot of the old material that I really had forgotten how good it was.
And now I have a clip of Rip Torn admonishing people for indulging too much in vice.
That's what I have.
Okay.
The joke was: I don't know if you guys heard it.
Now I have a clip of Rip Torn and admonishing someone for indulging in vice.
Oh, thank you very much.
Okay.
I thought you were actually going to play a Rip, a Rip Torn phone call.
No, we have Rip's not that kind of crazy.
But when Rip is in the drunk tank babbling, he's more coherent than Sean Hannity is.
Wouldn't it be nice to be?
I would like to be a fly on the wall in like a Sean Hannity therapy session just where his psychiatrist is like, this is great.
I can't help you.
But just keep going.
Do you think Sean Hannity would ever go to therapy?
No, I. Not in a million years.
That's actually exactly why, like, you know, you want to talk about the Republican Party, like the great problem on that extreme of it is that there is no self-reflection.
That's why they vilify like psychiatry still.
That's what my father is.
He does go in every week to have his ego massage.
He has an ego massage therapist.
Yes.
That was just saying.
Okay.
So.
Although, do you remember when Hannity was the sane guy on Fox?
No, I don't remember that.
No, no, I don't remember what you were watching.
No, it was for the period when.
And that, you know, and a lot of people give Alan Combs a hard time, but you could see sitting next to someone who says, like, so, because half the time, Combs was just like, did you really just say that?
That's kind of, I think, what happened to Alan Combs.
Yeah.
Deer caught in the headlights.
What?
I was going to respond to that, and then I realized what you just said was so crazy.
The fact that Alan Combs isn't on that show anymore, I think, is a tribute to the fact that Alan Combs just couldn't take it anymore.
You think that is it?
Yeah, yeah, because the show got really great ratings.
It was considered like a good combination, you know.
And he, I'm just assuming, I'm guessing that Alan Combs just was killing his soul.
Do you think he left or they got rid of him?
I think I couldn't say for sure, but either way, I think it was a relief to Alan Combs.
This has been, oh my God.
Oh, my God.
Okay, and we're back.
And right needle, Mitt Marmee made a mistake at the debate this Saturday.
He showed up.
People are, you know, what if they just started skipping debates?
What would happen?
I don't think anything would happen.
I think everybody's skipping the Trump debate.
Oh, it's all that's all over.
Trump has ended it.
Oh, okay.
He's not going to be a part of it anymore because you know what?
He still might run for president, you know?
Please, please give me that for Christmas.
Even Charlie Brown doesn't believe that.
Okay, so here is what Mitt Romney said to Rick Perry when Rick Perry was accusing him.
You refer individual mandates, my friend.
You know what?
You've raised that before, Rick.
And you're saying it was true then.
No, it's true now.
Rick, I'll tell you what.
$10,000.
$10,000 bet?
I'm not in the betting business.
Okay, I'll show you this.
I wrote the book.
$10,000 bet.
You know, he learned that.
He got into that habit of $10,000.
He was working on the docks.
That's how all the guys do it.
And so he actually called it.
Did you guys see that?
Did you guys see that?
Yes, I did.
And what was your reaction to it, Frank?
Well, for one thing, what was leading up to it is the most incredible thing of all.
Rick Perry was getting the best of him.
It was amazing.
And if you look at the tape, when he says that, Rick Perry grins like an idiot after he says that.
It was in your book, and he just, hey, he's got the biggest grin again.
Kind of giving me like a little bit too much Marcus Bachmann.
You know what I mean?
That's all I'm saying is that he's given me.
Way too much.
Did you see it, Paul?
Did you see the debate?
No, I did not.
Okay.
How about you, Paul?
What's your name, Robert?
Is that your name?
I saw that clip.
I can't watch the whole debates, though.
I just, I can't do it.
I can watch the whole thing.
It drains my drains my soul.
Although I will say it's the best reality TV there is.
If you like reality TV.
But reality TV, those people aren't going to potentially run our country.
And that's why I can enjoy reality TV.
But the thought that these jackasses.
You don't think Kim Kardasian has a shot?
I think she's Kim Kardashian and Snookie have more intellectual gravitas than the candidates.
I'll say that.
I agree with you.
I got to say, I think the debates should add a lightning round.
Well, they've tried variations of lightning rounds.
But here, let's listen to Mitt.
He called me.
He called me.
He left me a message.
Here's what he had to say.
Jimmy Door, it's Mitt Romney.
Okay, okay.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I know that that $10,000 bet remark I made in the debate was a bad idea.
It gave the mistaken impression that I am out of touch with common, ordinary, everyday people.
And nothing could be further from the truth.
The fact is, a lot of common, ordinary, everyday people are degenerate gamblers, but I won't go into that right now.
I admit I made a gap.
That $10,000 figure happened to be in my head because that's the exact amount I just paid to have the gold-plated bathroom fixtures in one of the 20 bathrooms in my vacation cottage fixed.
But how does that make me out of touch?
I'll tell you this.
If the bidet that I imported from France hadn't been prepared, I would have been out of touch with the proper sanitary maintenance of my own took us.
And nobody wants that.
Look, I own five, six, or seven homes.
And I realize that that is an unusual amount of precedence for one person to have.
I'm aware that most folks only have one vacation home, Tops.
I get that.
And my knowledge of this reality is part of why I relate so well to everyday Americans.
Okay.
Show everybody how much of a common touch I have.
I will pledge right now that if I can't convince the majority of owners that I relate to their everyday needs, I will buy every board member of Baying Capital a brand new Lexus convertible.
Yes.
With a red bow on top and everything, just like in the commercials.
That's how committed I am to convincing working class people that I am one of them.
In fact, Jimmy, I'm going to make a major policy speech that lays out my plan to help poor and middle-class citizens.
And this speech is going to be so important in expressing my empathy that I strongly encourage all poor and middle-class citizens to watch this speech on their high-definition flat screen television in THX surround sound.
I know they have them because Bill O'Reilly and Lou Dobbs told me.
I don't want anyone to miss one nuance of my compassionate populism.
Well, Jimmy, it's time for me to go do some more regular, everyday American stuff.
I'm going to get into my favorite work shirt and a ratty old pair of dungarees.
That's the casual down-to-earth way I like to dress when I'm traveling on my private Gulfstream jet.
Bon voyage, Jimmy.
Okay, Mitt Romney letting us know how he's getting in touch with the common man.
And speaking of getting in touch, Jerry Sandusky.
So is that a tough segue?
Is that a tough segment?
Should we apologize in advance for Whatever it is you have planned.
Well, Paul, this is a comedy show, and I'm charged with dealing with today's topics in a comedic way.
So I have to, I can't just pick and choose.
You know, you have to do it.
You have to try to find the right way to make light of things or to find humor in things.
I think Sandusky should be the spokesman for Kohler shower fixtures.
Because he showers so much?
He's into showering.
He could be.
He could give a nice sure or Britta.
That guy enjoys his shower.
You know, so we're just charged with, you know, even we made fun of even Fukushima.
You know, we didn't make fun of it, but there's things to make.
There's always parts of something that isn't funny that is funny.
Right, correct.
That you have to make.
So here we are talking about.
So Jerry Sandusky, his lawyer keeps bringing him on TV.
The worst lawyer ever.
This is the worst lawyer.
He's got to be the worst lawyer ever.
And you can hear him in the background.
Now, I played this last week.
I'll play it again just so you remember what it was like.
So here's Jerry Sandusky being asked if he's attracted to boys.
Now, he was asked that same question on Bob Costas, and he didn't do a good job answering it.
He kind of, well, here's how he answered it again.
They brought him back on again, and here's what he said.
What in the world is this question?
You know, what, what, what is it?
You know, am I going to be if I say, no, I'm not attracted to boys, that's not the truth because I'm attracted to young people, boys, girls.
Yeah, but not sexually.
You're attracted because you enjoyed spending time.
Right.
I enjoy.
That's what I was trying to say.
I enjoy spending time with young people.
I enjoy spending time with people.
So that was his lawyer.
That was his lawyer in the bathroom.
Yeah, but you're not attracted sexually, Jerry.
Oh, that was his lawyer.
That was his lawyer.
Yeah, yeah.
So that was his.
But why didn't his lawyer beforehand say, just say no?
No, I'm not attracted.
It's like as if they rehearsed it.
Yes, say you're attracted, but pretend like you don't know what they mean.
Pretend like you're the accused pedophile.
And when someone asks you if you're attracted, take the meaning no one else would ever take from that question and then answer it that way.
And then people maybe think you're truthful.
I love that assuming he's guilty.
I love that pedophilia is okay with him, but lying to a journalist.
He just can't do that.
He just can't do that.
This wouldn't be true.
I couldn't do that to you right now with a straight face.
And so I called, so I called Jerry Sandusky, and I wanted to get a straight answer.
That's all this is about is trying to get a straight answer.
Sure.
And so here's how that went.
Okay, we're here with Jerry Sandusky.
And Jerry, I appreciate you making yourself available to have some more questions asked of you.
I want to especially tip the hat to your lawyer doing a great job.
Jerry, so just straightforward now.
Have you ever touched a boy?
Wow, what in the world kind of a question is that?
I mean, if I say no, you know, it's not the truth.
You know, I bet I've touched a lot of young people, you know, boys and girls.
You know, I just touch him, but not sexually, Jerry.
Right, right.
Through my charity work, I've touched them.
Not sexually, no, I don't.
Not sexually.
No, never.
No, that's what I'm trying to say.
Right, I touched them through my charity work.
There you go, buddy.
Have you ever attracted to them?
Very attractive.
Okay, we get it.
You got him, buddy.
Let me try this again with you.
I'm just attracted.
Jerry, stop talking.
Stop talking now.
Okay.
Jerry, I'm just going to have to ask it straight.
Have you ever been inside a boy?
Wow.
What in the world?
What kind of a question is this?
I mean, what are you trying to give me?
I mean, if I say no, you know, that's not the truth.
Yeah, but metaphorically, Jerry, not sexual.
Oh, no, no, not the sexual.
No, I mean that the joy in my heart is inside of lots of young kids that I've mentored, like a metaphor.
Yeah, so yeah, I mean, yeah, I am inside of a lot of young boys and girls.
You know, I'm very attracted to them.
I love being inside.
Not sexually.
No, not sexually.
No, not a boy, Jerry.
Okay, Jerry.
I'm just going to ask you directly so there can be no confusion as to what I mean or what I'm saying.
Have you ever had a boy's penis in your mouth?
What in the world, Kyle?
What is this?
You know, I mean, wow, what in the world?
You know, I mean, what am I supposed to, you know?
I mean, you know, if I say, if I say no, you know, then that's not the truth, you know.
I have a boy's penises in my mouth.
You know, my ass is like horseplay.
You know, like, because I like to wash them with my hands.
I'm not fucking around.
Hang on, that goddamn fuck.
Okay.
That went very badly for Jerry Sandos.
Well, that's how it's supposed to go when your lawyer lets you talk on television.
That is the best argument for tort reform I've ever heard.
I have no idea why he's having that guy talk.
Not a good strategy.
Not a good, not at all.
And then they have the preliminary hearing yesterday, and the lawyer, he goes, I'm waving it.
He goes in, he waves it, and they ask you, why did he wave it?
He did get a bad lawyer.
I don't care what anybody.
Well, you know, people, of course, are distasteful of pedophilia, but people don't even really like a nuanced version of pedophilia.
No form of it whatsoever is acceptable.
Maybe if I shade this right, I'll win America over.
There's no shading.
This is still a salvageable situation.
No, Jerry.
There's no shading.
Okay.
So that was, and, you know, I was, we didn't play that.
We had that call last week.
We didn't play it.
But then I thought of it again.
I thought it's okay.
That's what we have to do on this show.
We have to approach this.
You gave him his chance to speak.
I did give him his chance to speak.
Okay, so right now what's going on?
Actually, let's take a break.
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That's JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And we're back on the Jimmy Door show and I want to, we were just talking about this during the break about I know that we're going to get emails and of people saying, you know, you can't make fun of pedophilia.
How dare you make fun of it?
But Frank, you were just making a point.
I was saying that that bit was about the way they've handled it in the media.
That was the basis of a comedy in that bit.
Yeah, you're not making fun of the pain of the victims.
Right.
That would be a horrible thing.
That would be inappropriate.
To make fun of the pain of the victims, we're making fun of how incompetent A, his lawyer is, and B, how horribly the media has handled it.
Well, and also how clueless and dusky it is.
And what a horrible liar he is.
He's really one of the worst liars.
I don't think, I don't know that he's a liar so much.
He is completely out of it.
I mean, he really hold his job together.
You know, he was one of the best coaches, defensive coordinators in the country.
You know, he was coach assistant coach of the year the year he retired.
And yeah, it's weird.
You know, it's weird that they didn't let the investigate the grand jury investigation.
It didn't come out until after Joe Paterno had gotten his record.
So there's all this, it's just creepy, all this stuff that kept happening just to kind of save this football program, which in the end, it ended up taking it down.
You know, when you try to do a cover-up to save the football crow ran, what you're actually going to do is you're guaranteeing that it's going to be taken down in the future.
Which, by the way, thank God.
You know, like, I mean, there are so many athletes who get away with sometimes literally murder because they're professional athletes, they have all this money.
No, that's not true.
Name one.
I mean, I was talking, I was just talking about this with OJ Simpson, and he can't think of anybody who's.
I mean, Robert Blake agrees.
You cannot get away with it.
You can get away with murder, but you can't get away with stealing memorabilia.
That's the lesson.
That's the lesson.
You can't steal memorabilia.
You can decapitate a waiter who's dating your wife, but you won't be able to.
Okay, so let's get.
So the issue that's happening right now, everybody's wondering what's going on in Congress.
They're trying to pass a bill that the government might shut down again.
What's going on is that the Democrats want to extend the payroll tax cut, right?
There's a payroll tax cut holiday that's happening.
And the Republicans have no interest in keeping that going for the, because that only helps most of the people in America.
It doesn't help the 1%.
So they want to, they're like, okay, they know it looks bad for them because they can't be on the side of raising taxes, which is what will happen if they don't renew this tax cut.
But they want to couple it now.
They'll go, okay, we'll give you your tax cut for regular people, but we want to also couple it with cutting unemployment benefits to people.
We want to also make sure you have to okay the XL pipeline, which is very controversial.
And then the third thing is they want to relax environmental standards.
At the same time, they want to okay a pipeline, get rid of the environmental status.
Hey, you know what we're going to do?
Yeah, we're going to lower the drinking age and get rid of seatbelts.
See what happens.
What could go wrong?
I don't know.
So the problem with the hypocrisy part of this is that when the Republicans took control of Congress last year with the help of the Tea Party, their pledge to America, they made a pledge to America, and their pledge was that they would not do this.
They would not try to put bills together in a clump and make them pass.
So if you had a bill like a funding bill for the government, they are not going to stick other stuff on it, like a poison pill.
Well, that's exactly what they're doing right now.
It's almost as if they're hypocrites.
It's almost as if they say one thing and do the other.
How do you handle that?
It's almost as if their main agenda is just to hurt the country and not get anything done.
Yeah, you know, but enrich themselves in corporations.
So they won't pass the payroll tax cut without all this crazy stuff.
And the Democrats are finally standing up to the crazy stuff for the first time.
And so the only answer to this has got to be super committee.
That's what I think.
We get a super committee ought to fix this right up, don't you think?
But the previous supercommittee broke up and they were all doing solo albums now.
It didn't work out, that other supercommittee, did it?
You know, no, it didn't work out.
That's the whole problem.
They knew it and they knew it wouldn't.
You know, so this, so they're trying to put, so Boehner, they passed the bill in the house with all this crap attached to it.
And my favorite part of the bill is when they're discussing taxing the wealthy, like those Bush tax cuts, right?
And Boehner said, and I'm paraphrasing, but not by much.
Boehner says that that will not pay for the middle class tax.
They will not pay for the middle class tax relief on the backs of the wealthy in this country.
Oh, the poor wealthy.
That's really what they're saying.
We're not going to pay for this middle class tax cuts on the backs of the wealthy.
And that's not like hearing the other shoe drop.
That's like hearing the entire left shoe department of Zappos explode and rain down irony on top of you.
Zappos, are you familiar?
I like it.
I like a nice Zappos joke.
My jaw is just open at Boehner's naked.
When did the Republicans all decide to base their personas on Rockford Files villains?
Wow.
So you know how they're always saying that the Bush tax cuts, you can't tax the job creators because if you put a tax cut, it kills jobs, right?
So he was being interviewed by Politico, John Boehner, and they asked him straight, can you name one business, name one, that's going to be hurt by the Bush tax cuts not being renewed.
And this is what John Boehner had to say.
Here's him naming one of the businesses, ready?
I could rattle off a half a dozen names right here and now.
I'm not privy to their tax returns, but I've got a pretty good idea.
Companies, I just name a couple.
I've got a handful of companies in my district, friends of mine, who run small businesses, but they're set up as a subchapter S corporation and pay taxes personally.
Okay, so that would be zero in the number of businesses he could name.
Zero.
NPR then polled every member of Congress and asked them to name a business that would be hurt.
And none of them got back to NPR with the name of a business that would be hurt by the Bush tax cuts.
Sundowning.
And this is the, okay, you know what?
We're up against the break, and this is the Jimmy Door show on Pacifica.
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If you want to get 18 roses instead of 12, and another, and a red vase, you get a red ruby vase, decorative.
That's only $10 more.
So for $29.99, you get 18 red and white roses plus a red decorative vase.
Those are the deals.
And how do you get those deals?
Well, you can call ProFlowers.
I don't know who uses the phone these days.
I don't use the phone, but maybe you still do.
My mom has a rotary, so maybe you still use the phone.
So go ahead and you call ProFlowers 1-800-ProFlowers.
And then you just mention Jimmy D and you get the deal.
And then we also get helped out.
So you're getting a great deal.
You're helping out the show.
The last time we did the promotion with flowers, it really helped us a lot.
So I appreciate it.
And if you guys like the, here's how you do it, by the way.
You can call ProFlowers like I just told you, or you can go to proflowers.com.
You click on the microphone in the upper right-hand corner and you type in Jimmy D. Jimmy D. That's it.
Jimmy Space D. Okay.
And if you need to want to get a picture of those flowers, if you want to see what it is, if you need a link to the page, instructions, it's all up at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
So if you go over to JimmyDoorComedy.com, you'll see a picture of those flowers.
You'll see a link to the page.
You'll also have instructions on how to do it all.
It's all there for you.
It's very easy, and everybody seems to enjoy the stuff that they get from Pro Flowers.
I enjoy that.
I'm enjoying my Christmas tree.
We got the red and white roses, and they guaranteed stay fresh for a week, and they did.
And if they don't, you let Pro Flowers know they make it up to you.
That's their guarantee.
Your flowers will stay fresh for a week, huh?
Isn't that nice?
Okay, and this is the way, this is where you come in and do your part.
This is how you really help support the show.
This is how you make sure Frank Conniff, Pelgio Martin, Robert Yasimura, Chris Christie, Mike McRae, Bill O'Reilly, Herman Kane keep coming to you every week.
Do it now.
Go to proflowers.com, click on the microphone, type in Jimmy D, and help the show.
And we're back, and welcome back to the Jimmy Door show.
I'm joined in studio from Dinner and a Movie on TBS and the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast.
Paul Gilmartin is with us.
Hi, Paul.
Jimmy.
From Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Cinematic Titanic.com.
Coming to a city near you, Frank.
Coming to Philly December 30th.
Go to Cinematic Titanic.
Oh, it's a pre-New Year's Eve fun time.
Yes.
That's a Friday night, is it not?
It's a Friday night, New Year's Eve Eve.
Oh, those are my favorite eaves.
Yes.
And next to him from Team Yasamura, hilarious comedian Robert Yasimura.
Hey, Robert.
I prefer Eve Plum.
Eve Plum.
And what's coming up on the rest of today's show?
Well, we're going to hear from Rick Perry made that video, right, where he was kind of strong, homophobe.
And so Mike McRae did a couple of parodies, and we're going to play those later on in the show.
And also Rip Torn's Drunk Tank, Hollywood's Drunk Tank.
We've got a lot of things happening in that today.
Also, we're going to talk about the Centrist Democrats and how they pissed me off and a lot lot more.
But right now, here's our good friend, Jim Hightower.
How small can a giant corporation get?
I don't mean in size, but in spirit.
Once again, America's biggest commercial empire, Walmart, is displaying its incredibly shriveled ethical center by whacking the already meager healthcare benefits that hundreds of thousands of workers count on.
Just a couple of years ago, this $400 billion a year retailing Colossus tried to hush critics of its Dickinsian labor policies by ballyhooing a bare bones healthcare plan for its associates.
The insurance scheme had such high deductibles, however, that barely half of its employees bought into it.
Now, even that benefit is being yanked from the 40% of Walmart's employees who are part-time workers.
Also, insurance premiums and deductibles are being dramatically jacked up for thousands of full-time workers.
For example, one full-timer who's paid only $12,000 a year will see her premium more than double to about $3,300 a year, a fourth of her income.
I won't be able to afford the insurance, she says.
And I really can't go without insurance because I have a heart problem.
Top executives and the board of directors of this enormously profitable corporation also have a heart problem.
They are taking advantage of America's raging unemployment crisis to stiff their workforce since these low-wage non-union employees desperately need the jobs and have no power to stand up to the corporation's greed.
A Walmart PR flax says that decisions to whack the workers quote were not easy, but they strike a balance between managing costs and providing quality care and coverage.
This is Jim Hightower saying, care and coverage for whom?
For the top executives, of course.
They get full health care coverage from the corporation.
How's that for boosting morale and for morality?
For more information, go to farrespect.org/slash healthcare.
Hightowers commentaries are brought to you by the Hightower Lowdown, the monthly newsletter with Hightower's populist take on what the powers that be are up to.
Find out more at Hightower Lowdown.org.
Okay, that was Jim Hightower, who can be here.
He could be here.
He could be here almost every week on the Jimmy Dorf show.
It's Jim Hightower talking about tough times at Walmart.
Yeah, you know, Walmart does need to keep their prices down.
They serve an important role with their low prices because it's the only place where people can buy stuff in sufficient quantity to numb the pain of having to work there.
Can I just say something?
Sure.
The thing that's tragic about that is that Walmart is such a big part of the economy that they could change healthcare in this country single-handedly.
They could, if they said we're going to insure all of our employees and we're going to negotiate with the insurance companies, get those costs low, and they could move the entire economy.
And I will give you an example.
No doubt about it.
McDonald's went to every poultry producer that they deal with and said, we want our eggs produced in this way, which is ethical.
And I'll tell you, they changed how eggs are produced in this country for the better because they had that much market power and Walmart could absolutely do that.
And they refuse to.
They're just a they're the classic corporation, which is amoral, has no morality.
Their only morality or their only attention or their only responsibility is to profit and to turn more profit.
I mean, the people who own Walmart, still owned by a family, could never, never, ever spend the money.
They could take anyway, they're ridiculously rich.
They could provide the best health care for every person who works there, including the janitor or the guy who sweeps up outside.
They could give them the best health.
The coverage says that there shouldn't be a janitor.
Kids should do that.
What I'm saying is that not only could they provide that health care, they could lower the cost of health care for every single American by negotiating that out.
And that is, you know, the lie of Ayn Rand is that that's what should happen, logically speaking.
And that is the empirical evidence that it's not true.
That's not happening, right?
And also, if everybody's health care costs one time, they have more money to spend at Walmart.
So, you know, they do well.
I'm with Frank.
I'm with you 100,000%.
Okay, so that Jim Hightower really sparking discussion on our show today.
We've got to continue.
We've got to start listening to his things from now on.
Okay.
So we're going to move on to my pet peeve.
And I was watching Up with Chris Hayes, right?
That's the new show on MSNBC with the guy Chris.
He's based on the cartoon up?
I don't think so, but I like that guy.
I like his show.
He's smart and he's to the point and he always says things the way you're feeling it.
I couldn't put words to it.
He does that.
And so he had a guest on and kill me for not getting her.
I get these clips off the TV and I don't write down who the people are who are saying these things sometimes because I know 99% of them, but every once in a while I don't know who this is.
So here is a lefty who's on this joke with, and she's talking about what's wrong with the people who criticize Barack Obama.
Well, here's my opinion.
My major problem, my major problem with the left of left progressives, some of them are very good friends of mine, is that there doesn't seem to be a realistic understanding of how politics work.
And I want to say to a lot of the people that are down at Occupy Wall Street, is there a voter registration program going on down there?
Are you registered to vote?
Are you going to vote?
Or are you even willing to run for office?
Because really all politics are local.
And if I never really realized that before, I know it now.
And I don't think that a lot of people understand the process in which I think it's really.
Okay, yeah.
So what she's saying.
Excellent point.
She's saying that the people, if you are criticizing Barack Obama, if you're the left of the left, you don't really understand how change happens.
Those people down at Occupy Wall Street, they don't understand how change happens, even though they're the only ones who have made any change in this political system of any note in the last 20 years.
But she's just saying, turn it into concrete action.
What she's saying is she's trying to dismiss them.
It's dismissed what they're doing, saying that they don't know.
I didn't get that out of it.
I got that.
What she was saying was take action, take this further.
What she is saying.
Turn it into concrete political action.
I got that, but I also agree.
She's wrong.
She's missing the point.
She's totally missing the point.
You know what?
Yes, registering to vote helps.
But if you register to vote and your only choice is Barack Obama or a Republican, that hasn't helped you any.
And she's saying it does.
And those people at Occupy Wall Street are saying, no, the system is broken.
I see.
She's saying the system is broken.
That our choices to elect people both suck because they're both beholden to corporations.
Barack Obama could not be more of a Wall Street toady than he is.
And so that's where she's wrong.
She's trying to say that.
See, they're not grown.
That's that whole, I'm a grown-up.
I know how politics work.
And the president just can't go.
So that's what she's saying.
If you criticize the president, it's not because you're right or you have a point or you can plainly see that he's a Wall Street toady 100%.
No, it's because you're a petulant child who's ignorant of how politics work.
You know how rich people always get what they want and they get to run the economy like a casino balanced on the back of the middle class pensions and healthcare?
That's how politics work.
Politics don't work the other way where the president actually stands up for the middle class and wins something.
You're saying they know how politics works and that's what they're protesting.
That's what they're protesting.
Yes.
And she's suggesting that if you run for town alderman, you can make a difference in a rigged system.
Maybe, but not in our lifetime.
Right.
Well, you can get like, if you run for town alderman, you can get the light fixed outside of your house.
That's about it.
You're not going to get a jobs program.
Or a healthcare program.
So unless, although San Francisco has pulled that off, somehow they've pulled that off.
If you're a waiter in San Francisco, you get health care.
Isn't that something?
That's crazy.
And that's something people who serve food to the rich all day get to also go see a doctor when they get sick.
That's amazing, but they've worked that out.
They get to go to a doctor, and that's why they don't have time to find out how politics works.
That is.
That is.
So I am so, I just want to make that point.
I'm so sick and tired of people like her who are on board with the president saying that because we're criticizing with the president, that we don't get how the president just can't go in there and do whatever he wants, which is the most insulting thing anyone could ever say to me.
Oh, really?
I thought he could.
I don't know how that's, oh, I won't complain then anymore.
I'll shut up because I thought the president could just go in and do whatever he wanted.
And now that you explained it to me, you smart person who is a status quo defender.
Anyway, it really makes me upset.
And I really wish I could have been on.
That's exactly what the Wall Street.
They know exactly how politics work, and that's exactly why they're protesting in the way that they are protesting.
Oh, and by the way, the thing that really irritates me is the tone of this, which has that Republican tone of like, why don't you take some personal responsibility?
Like, why don't you go get a job?
Yeah.
And it's like, they are taking personal responsibility.
They are standing out in the cold when they would rather be doing anything else.
Yes.
They're giving up hacky sack time.
And the thing about the Occupy Wall Street movement that you can say about it, regardless of whatever concrete things, it's accomplished.
What it has definitely accomplished is it's at least moved the conversation.
Because before Occupy Wall Street, the conversation was all about the deficit.
It's all about debt.
It was all anybody talked about on the cable news shows was, you know, and they had that whole showdown in the house.
And now people, much more, you hear people talking about income inequality on television and reading about it in newspapers.
And I think that's at least one solid thing you can say that the Occupy Wall Street movement has had an effect on.
Well, you know, last week on the show, we played Frank Luntz, who was talking about the, I don't know if you guys, now you guys weren't here.
Let me play it again.
Here's what Frank Luntz said about it last week.
I'm so scared of this anti-Wall Street effort.
I'm frightened to death.
Okay, they should occupy a job and take a bath.
I get that joke.
Woo!
But man, you're having an impact on what the American people think of capitalism.
And so I'm trying to get that word removed and replace it with either economic freedom or free market.
So that's his solution to Occupy Wall Street.
Well, my first question, though, is Frank Luntz, who's pretty savvy.
Why did he allow a microphone into that conversation?
I can't believe that he...
They're actually changing the debate.
They're seeing us for what we are.
And his answer to that to fix that isn't to actually fix the problems that's systemic in society.
His is to change the word about capitalism.
So we don't talk about capitalism.
We talk about economic freedom.
And you can tell he's actually scared because you can't see the video clip, but the look on his face is so I haven't seen that look on Frank's face since they started letting minorities into his fraternity.
So he's pretty scared.
Okay, I'll do the same joke two weeks in a row.
I don't care.
You know, the only politician who even thinks about pie in the sky is Chris Christie.
He's a large man, is what I say.
He is a large man, Chris Christie.
He's large.
Okay, let's move on to, you know what it's time for?
Rip Torn is back with his roundup of what's happening in Hollywood on Rip Torn, Hollywood, Rug Tank, starring Rick Torn.
I know what's up.
Last week, Gail Forrest wins, descended upon The city of angels with unprecedented fury.
Trees were uprooted.
Tractor trailers tipped over.
And 55,000 people were left without power.
The Hollywood gods were angry, dear listeners.
Why?
Because they knew that in a few short days, Steve fucking Gutenberg was going to receive a star on the Hollywood walking.
That no-talent hack from the Police Academy movies and three men in a dorky robot or whatever the fuck was chauffeur by police car to an unveiling ceremony that made Rita Hayward and Irving Falberg huddle together in heaven and weep uncontrollably.
When I heard about this, I locked myself in the crawl space with a bottle of Jack Daniels until the soul storm died down.
Number seven alive.
Time was, it meant something to be a star in this town.
You had to have pluck.
Dash, Moxie, and box office, baby.
Now, when he has been with a good hairpiece, can have their name to face the public easement.
This is bullshit.
No justice, no peace.
Quite frankly, I'm surprised that only one person went on a random Hollywood shooting spree last week.
And to add insult to my injury, the photos from Lindsay Lohan's Playboy shoot were leaked online for all to see.
Very tasteful.
Very Maryland.
All our lovely lady curves were artfully juxtaposed against the red velvet curtain.
I only have one question.
Where's the beef?
Come on, Lindsay, quit wasting our time.
Don't be coy, sweetie.
If you're on your way up and you pose for heft, then you can get away with that sitting cross-legged on a stool wearing a necktie and a fedora bullshit.
But you're falling like a meteorite and need the money.
So take every goddamn stitch of her clothes off and ratchet that shit open.
Or at least just stand up straight and face the camera, please.
Because my Herbie is fully loaded.
And dear Miss Lohan, I certainly hope you don't suffer from ginger shame.
I realize there's probably a lot of freckles and Auburn.
But there's a market for that.
Some men lose their minds over it.
What do you think made Strongbow, Essex and Cromwell, invade the Emerald Isle to begin with?
Before there was the glittering promise of El Dorado to stir the hearts of England's boys grown tall, there was the glittering promise of simple Irish squiddy.
All right, dear listeners, until next time, this is Rip Thorn saying you can't always get what you want.
Because I already took it, sprayed Verferly Coo all over it, and tossed it out the 25th story window of the Sunset Boulevard Hyatt.
Happy holidays.
Happy holidays.
Oh, my God.
Oh, Rip Torn's Hollywood drum.
I know what's up.
And he does know what's up.
Oh, my God.
Rip Torn's.
His reference to English history was amazing.
I don't even.
Yeah, I didn't understand it, and it still made me laugh.
Same here.
Yeah, you didn't get it?
Could you explain it, Robert, quickly?
He's just talking about the invasion of Ireland by the English.
Oh, that's one of the many invasions of Ireland.
And I was like, wow.
Okay, nice.
All right.
I didn't have any idea.
And I think the first or second experience with the longbow in major combat.
Okay.
You know, now we know that we have to switch on to our next topic.
You don't want to get into the longbow?
Didn't pan out the way I was hoping.
Oh, you thought I had a joke at the end of that.
Oh, no, no, no.
I was hoping something would come up.
I would think that.
Well, you were just pointing out that they increased defense spending and got longbows.
Yeah, longbows, right?
So this is great.
I'm going to edit most of this out.
But we're going to move on to Rick Perry's parody, Rick Perry's strong commercial, where let's just play it.
I know we've all heard it, but let's hear it again, okay?
I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a Christian.
But you don't need to be in the pew every Sunday to know that there's something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military, but our kids can't openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school.
As president, I'll end Obama's war on religion, and I'll fight against liberal attacks on our religious heritage.
Faith made America strong.
It can make her strong again.
I'm Rick Perry, and I approve this message.
See, I call that commercial this hybrid because it's a cross.
It's a strong dose of bare-knuckled homophobia crossed with invented phony religious persecution.
And then you've got yourself an ignorant cocktail that could carry Super Tuesday.
That's what I think.
The most marginalized group in our society are Christians.
You know, when the majority are persecuted by the minority, I can't stand it.
Maybe one day we'll have a president who'll call himself Christian.
But someday has yet to come, except for every president we've had.
Someday, when they, well, hopefully when they swear in on the, when they put their hand on the Bible, they'll mean it.
I wonder if he had to lock his doors after he admitted he was a Christian.
He's not afraid to admit it.
Yeah?
Yeah.
He'll just, he'll say it right.
And he loves America too, and he'll tell anybody in America that he loves America.
Someone's pointing out that that's Aaron Copeland in the background, that music?
But then Aaron Copeland was very openly.
The music that he used for the background music is it.
Yeah, well, you know, I mean, Rick Perry, the Paul Lynn of the Republican – The Republican – you know, anyway.
I think Rick Perry thinks that if you ban gays, you will ban your own gay feelings.
You can't?
Yeah.
Is that what you're saying?
I don't think so.
I think you can beat the gay out of you.
Yeah?
The target audience for that ad was closeted gay Christians who hate themselves.
And it seems to be working.
So Mike McCrae hooked up with a writer and a director, Jack Dreessen and David Ward, and they did these videos as a parody.
So here's his first parody video.
I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a Christian, but I'll make other people ashamed to admit that they're Christians.
You don't need to sit in the pew at your Texas grandmother's church to know that it's more important to keep the word Christ in Christmas than it is to keep the words of Christ in our hearts when we talk about the gays and our righteous military.
As president, I'll end the liberals' war and religion, mostly by inadvertent sabotage and providing the opposition with constant ammunition.
Faith made America strong.
It can make her strong again.
But first, we need to cover it in manure to help it grow.
I'm Rick Perry, and I'll prove this message.
Okay, so that's the first one.
And by the way, the fallout from this, when you first saw the ad, when was the...
About a week and a half ago.
Okay.
Yeah.
And did it make you laugh?
Did it make you happy?
It made me laugh and sad at the same time.
As most things Rick Perry says.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The thing about it is it's not that out of the ordinary.
What he's expressing is pretty much in the mainstream of what all of the Republican candidates and conservatives in general spouse on a regular basis.
So I thought I just think he makes me laugh, you know, but there wasn't anything that out of the ordinary about it at all, really.
It's the dying gasps of a dinosaur.
That's that base that he is appealing to.
Those people are dying every day.
And they're being replaced by people that aren't terrified of gays.
So, you know, they shrink every day.
But he's locking down, you know, the he's trying, what he's trying to do is lock down the 10-20% of the Iowa Republican Party and basically like leverage himself against with those people.
And pray that he doesn't suck a dick.
Right.
Okay, let's go on to parody.
Here's Terry Perry number two from Mike McRae.
America, freedom, liberty.
These are a few of the words I'll throw around because they make us feel warm and safe.
Abortion, sex and our children, birth control.
These words are scary.
As a Christian, I know what words to say to motivate out of nationalist pride and which words will motivate out of fear.
As president, I'll make it so you won't have to pay attention to all the words of politics, just some of them.
Like Christmas or faggots.
I'm Rick Perry.
And I approve this connection.
I like that.
I like when Rick Perry gets reductive like that.
Yes.
We're just going to cut to the chill.
Here, Christmas.
There you go.
Okay, so then here's, and then there were some outtakes.
Do you want to hear the outtakes?
Sure.
There were some outtakes from that shoot.
Hi, I'm Rick Percy.
I think that what I'm not afraid to admit that I'm a Christian.
I mean, I'm a real Christian, not a Mormon like that guy Mitt Romney.
I'm believing a bizarre space, Jesus.
I'm ashamed to admit I'm a Christian.
There's something wrong in this country when gay people can openly serve in the military.
I mean, just give gay people guns.
That's not a good idea to come home where they were probably planning on raping other men.
Because they do that.
They rape other men and then they turn them gay too.
The people they raped.
They're like vampires.
It's illegal to celebrate Christmas now.
That's not right.
You got Muslims, Muslims walking around.
Just, hey, I'm Muslim.
Yeah, I read somewhere that schools have to have gay Santa Claus come in just to be teach children about the gay lifestyle from a Santa Claus, like a Christmas perspective.
I'm president.
No.
No gay Santa Clauses.
Top 10 groups of people that you won't hear from again if Rick Perry becomes president.
Gays, Muslims, people who don't like Christmas, Mormons, liberals, intellectuals.
Did I say homos?
I better say it twice.
People who look like Muslims but aren't Muslims but aren't Christians either.
Everyone associated with the Bravo Network.
I'm so against them.
I will pretend that I am gay and lure them to the White House.
Okay, like a trap.
Snake them in the White House.
Have penetrative sex with them.
And in that process, hopefully I'll learn about their gay secrets and the gay agenda.
And then I'll win.
So it's going online.
People see it everywhere.
I'll know what I'm about.
Okay, that was the outtakes.
Mike McRae.
That was, thank God for Rick Perry.
Gluttonous.
I hope he never goes away.
I wish this would go on forever.
It was a tragedy for a soul when Herman Kane went away.
It is a tragedy.
I miss him already.
Don't you miss him?
I totally.
I know how those women feel getting dumped by him.
I want to text him at four in the morning right now.
All right.
Well, we're to the end of the show.
Any parting shots?
Anything anybody would like to was anybody shocked that Rick Perry did that?
No, he laid the groundwork for it.
I just was surprised to see his ignorance condensed so beautifully.
It really was.
And also, as everyone saw online, and this is the absolute truth, he wore the exact same jacket that Heath Ledger wore in Brokeback Mountain.
The exact same jacket.
So they got the gay music playing behind him, and he's wearing the Brokeback Mountain jacket.
And, you know, and it's from a guy who just last week was interviewing a question.
He was introducing a questioner, and he said this.
And with that, I think we're going to open it up and have some QA from the audience.
Yes, sir, with a beautiful beard.
You get to go first.
And my beautiful beard, you're standing next to my wife.
You, sir, with the beautiful beard and the strong jaw.
If you were making a speech in front of ZZ Top, that's what you'd say to it.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Are you in Medford, Oregon, or thereabouts?
Well, that's what you get to do.
You get to go see Mike McRae.
That's right.
Mike McRae, who does all the amazing voices on the show.
He's going to be in Medford, Oregon this weekend, telling jokes with Bob Biggerstaff, another hilarious guy.
You know, where are they telling jokes at?
At the Sky Bar at the Havana Republic.
Okay, so that's Friday night.
That's whoof.
So hopefully you listen to the show really quickly and you're going to make your way out to the show tonight to see Mike.
Okay, today's show was written by Frank Conniff, Steve Rosenfield, Robert Yasamura, Steph Samorano, and me.
And it was also produced by me.
Oh my gosh, I'm doing double duty.
And I appreciate everybody taking advantage of our Pro Flowers deal.
And if you're still doing some online Christmas shopping, you know, remember we have our Amazon.com box at our website, JimmyDoorComedy.com.
What you do, you just click on that box.
It takes you right to Amazon.com.
You do your shopping like you do normally.
It doesn't change your shopping experience one bit.
The only difference is whatever you buy, they send a little percentage of that to us at the show here.
So isn't that a nice way to help the show?
It doesn't cost you anything and it doesn't change your shopping experience one bit.
If you go to jimmydoorcomedy.com and you click on the Amazon.com box, which is right on the front page on the right-hand side, it takes you right to Amazon.com.
You get to buy whatever you want, and then they kick us back a percentage.
What a fun, easy, painless way to help support the Jimmy Door show, huh?
Okay, that's our show.
Did you enjoy it?
We're going to do another one next week.
We don't take a week off just because it's Christmas.
That's right.
So we'll see you next week.
Thanks for helping support the show and thanks for listening.
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