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Aug. 27, 2011 - Jimmy Dore Show
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20110827_The_Jimmy_Dore_Show_aug._25th_2011
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Are you a true patriot?
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We don't have any fancy teachers or classrooms because we don't have any classes.
Sean didn't need them to become a journalist, and neither do you.
Sitting there right now on your rascal in the back of your truck or with your legs dangling over the edge of your kiddie pool, you are every bit as qualified as Sean Hannity to host your own cable news show.
Isn't that right, Sean?
Journalism is dead in America, but for Fox and Talk Radio, be a part of that proud tradition.
Call the Sean Hannity School of Right-Wing Journalism today.
It's the Jimmy Dore show.
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper say in charge of talking to your TV.
So sit back or sit up or keep driving.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore!
Hello, everybody, and welcome to this week's show.
Are you enjoying your summer?
I'm trying the best I can to enjoy my summer, what's left of it.
And what's going on this week is we have a couple of clips that are evergreen that we've listened to before, but we need to hear again.
And our theme for today is kind of making fun of religious hypocrites, sexual hypocrites, and when we can bring both together, it's an extra special bonus.
Like with David Sauder, Souter, Souter.
He's the congressman from southern Indiana who was busy making abstinence-only videos, only to be caught having sex with the woman he was making the abstinence-only videos with.
So that's that kind of a thing.
But we're going to kick it off today.
Oh, we also have David Feldman commentary coming up.
David Feldman sits in on a lot of this stuff today.
You know, David Feldman.
He used to be on my show all the time.
He's the three-time Emmy Award-winning comedy writer who was a disappointment to his wife and an embarrassment to his children.
He sits down with us for a lot of this week's show.
Plus, Moron makes an appearance towards the second half of the show.
That's right.
Plus, we're going to talk about Bill Donahue, the crazy head of the Catholic League.
He's upset about atheists again.
That's how strong his faith is.
Atheists can rock him.
So, but right now, we're going to start it off with, I don't know if you've heard about the Conservative Bible Project, but they're rewriting the Bible, yes, to take out some of the more liberal passages, to make it to put more modern language in it, more modern conservative language.
You think I'm kidding?
That's what's happening, and we're going to talk about it right now with David Feldman and Steph Zamorano.
If you haven't heard about this story, it's quite amazing.
There was a group of conservatives getting together to reinterpret the Bible in a more conservative language.
My producer, Ali, let me know about this when I came in.
I had already gotten a heads up about it.
But you know, whenever I read the Bible, you know, at the beach or when there's nothing else to read in a hotel room or right before a parole hearing, I always think, man, this book is way too liberal.
Apparently, the folks at the Conservative Bible Project feel the exact same way, citing a lack of precision in the original language.
You know, that's the thing about God.
When he writes a book, he's not so precise.
He's busy doing other things.
They cite a lack of precision in the original language, a lack of precision in modern language, and translation bias in converting the original language to the modern one.
The group plans to revise the Bible to highlight what they believe was its original conservative intent.
See, they wrote the Bible before Barry Goldwater, and that's the problem.
They had to wait.
They should have waited for Barry Goldwater to be born, and then they could have had a better Bible.
Isn't it funny, though, that God didn't foresee the lack of precision in modern language?
Like, he didn't say, hey, here's the book for now.
And then, by the way, since I'm God, here's the book for 2,000 years after you guys lose both houses in Congress and the White House.
So, how does this work?
Like, they're going to rewrite it?
Like, the meek shall inherit the earth and not pay an estate tax?
Well, they're going to say, I think so.
I agree with that.
I like it already.
Well, their version hasn't been released yet, but I have some friends who travel in those circles, meaning self-righteous circles, and very delusional.
They managed to get their hands on an early draft.
So I thought we'd take a look at the revisions of the Conservative Bible Project has made on the good book.
Okay, ready?
The changes start with the very first line of the Bible.
In the beginning, God said, Let there be light.
Well, the new version, it says, God said, let us all be white.
The phrase is, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.
We're all familiar with that.
Well, it's now going to read, there are no camels in heaven, just ask the rich guys who live there.
You know the phrase, it's better to give than to receive.
That is going to be now followed by just kidding.
And the meek are no longer blessed in the new Bible.
Yeah.
The phrase, love thy neighbor, will be now replaced with love gym neighbors.
He's a Marine.
He's a Marine.
Support the troops.
Don't ask, don't tell.
The passage from the 23rd Psalm that reads, Lord, thou anointeth my head with oil, my cup runneth over, will remain unchanged.
However, it will now be followed by the phrase, but don't let that stop you from anointing me with even more oil.
Thanks, God.
The phrase, ask and ye shall receive, is now ask, and ye shall receive it when you pry it from my gold dead fingers.
And finally, in book four, chapter eight of Peter, it used to read, above all, love each other deeply because love covers over a multitude of sins.
And now it's going to read, Drill Baby Drill.
Okay, this is the Jimmy Doer show.
And just a reminder, if you'd like to hear any part of the show that you might have missed, you can always get a podcast of the Jimmy Dore show for free.
Where do you go?
You go to iTunes, type in the Jimmy Dore show, or you go to my website, JimmyDoorComedy.com.
You can get a free download of the show there.
Comment on the episodes, sign up for the email list, watch some video clips.
Lots of things to do over at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
But most importantly, you can get this show there for free as a podcast.
Okay, now coming up right now, we're going to talk about, we tease it at the beginning of the show.
Bill Donahue, the head of the cat.
Not Phil Donahue.
Phil Donahue, you know, Phil Donahue.
Ah, so you can't fight City Hall, rah-rah-rah.
But the next thing, you know, if it was my daughter, I wouldn't let her out of the house.
So that, you know, that Phil Donahue, ah, she's 30, he's 40.
Next thing you know, they meet, it's one soda, two straws.
All right, that's not the best Phil Donahue impression.
You probably don't even know who I'm talking about because he hasn't been on TV for about 10 years.
So this is Bill Donahue.
He's the head of the Catholic League.
He's upset at atheists again.
He always has a problem with the atheists.
And, you know, he does it in such a calm, measured way.
Here it is: Bill Donahue.
We're going to talk about him with David Feldman and Steph Zebarano.
You know, keeping with our religious theme for today, I saw one of my favorite guys ever on television.
If you don't know who he is, he's the head of the Catholic League.
His name is Bill Donahue.
And he's upset because there's a group of atheists who in Des Moines, Iowa, have now put some ads up on the side of public buses that read, don't believe in God?
You're not alone.
That's all it says.
So he went on Fox and Friends this morning, this morning.
And here was, when did he go on it?
He went on Fox and Friends this morning, this morning.
When?
This Fox and Friends this morning, this morning.
When is Fox and Friends this morning?
In the morning, this morning?
This morning.
Okay, I know that, but when you look in the it's different all over the country, what time it airs because trying to find out when he appeared on Fox and Friends this morning.
This morning.
You can look in the USA Today today, and it'll give you the listings for all the TV shows.
So if you go to the USA Today and look up Fox and Friends this morning, this morning.
Okay, when should I go to USA Today?
Today.
Okay, I went to USA today.
Today.
Good.
And I want to find out Fox and Friends this morning.
This morning.
He's going to be on.
When morning?
Fox and Friends this morning.
Bill Donahue was on Fox and Friends this morning.
When?
This morning.
I know he was on Fox and Friends this day.
Did you go to the USA today?
I went to the USA today.
Well, you got to go to today.
That's why it's called USA Today.
It's not called USA yesterday.
I'm just asking you, when is he on Fox and Friends this morning?
This morning.
I know he was on Fox and Friends.
Okay, go ahead.
Who's on first?
Okay, so here's Bill Donahue.
And this is going to be a fun little clip.
Okay, ready?
Here we go.
Traditional values in danger of becoming extinct.
Catholic League President Bill Donahue thinks so.
His new book is called Secular Sabotage: How Liberals Are Destroying Religion and Culture in America.
Bill, welcome to Fox and Friends.
Thank you, Alison.
Great to see you.
Okay, so let's start by talking about what's going on in Des Moines, Iowa.
The Transit Authority there has allowed an atheist group to put some messages, posters, up on a bus.
Perhaps we have some examples of this that we can show you.
It says, don't believe in God, you're not alone.
That's from the Iowa atheists.
Why do you object to this?
Well, first of all, I don't think the government should be in the business of trying to be in your face like this.
They don't have to accept anything.
All right?
So they're very selective.
Quite frankly, you know, we've always had agnostics and atheists in this country, but up until more recently, they pretty much have gone their own way, lived a parallel life.
But what we see today with the new atheism, in your face, aggressive, dogmatic, fundamentalist, trusting themselves.
You can't even have a Christmas display in the state of Washington without the atheists coming in with their statement there again.
You know, this is what we're up against in this country.
I see it in the schools, the artistic community.
It's in Hollywood.
It's in so many aspects of our life.
People like myself are fed up with it.
You know, if you close your eyes, it's like Jesus is right in the room with you, isn't it?
I mean, oh, it just comes right out.
He can't hide it.
When you have that kind of joy and love of Christ inside you, it radiates through everything.
Here we go.
A little bit more from Bill Donahue.
Why is it so much more, as you say, in your face today than it was 10 or 20 years ago?
I think it has a lot to do with my generation, the lousiest generation, the baby boomers, the ones who are out there who are in the White House and the people before them who are out there saying, listen, you know what?
We've yesterday's hippies and we've grown up and now we're in the cultural command sectors.
They have an atomis against American society.
They don't like the Judeo-Christian ethos and they're very aggressive about it.
They're in education.
They're in many parts of the media in Hollywood, the people who form our cultural ideas and values.
And a lot of Americans simply want to raise their family in a decent way.
They are God-fearing people.
And what they're stuck with are this in-your-face, aggressive secularists, these militants.
They are the real dogmatists of our day.
And you know what?
I'm familiar with the phrase pot calling the kettle black.
Have you ever heard that?
The real dogmatists of our day.
You know what, Bill Donahue?
When you point the finger at someone else, you have three fingers pointing back at you.
But then you also have a thumb pointing at someone, and the thumb's kind of worth two fingers.
I don't think he has a thumb.
I don't think he does have a thumb.
It's not opposable.
No, right.
It's posable.
It's not opposable.
I'm sure he's.
Okay, here, there's a little bit more.
We've got about a minute left to discuss.
Bill, back to that bus for a second, because you bring up a good point about Washington State.
Isn't having, allowing something like this on a bus better than banning Christmas trees and nativity scenes and other religious symbols?
Because the argument has always been, hey, if we let one group do it, we're going to have to let all groups do it.
So let the atheists do it.
Let a religious group do it.
Okay, so now, I don't know if you just saw what happened there on Fox and Friends this morning, on Fox this morning and Friends and this morning, a woman just made the case for equal treatment of everyone's beliefs.
I don't know if you just saw that.
Meaning, she's saying, hey, we couldn't, let's not, if we don't discriminate against atheists, doesn't it actually help religious people?
Because now everyone's free to express themselves in America.
Well, let's see what Bill Donahue feels about that.
I have a feeling he's not going to be hot on it.
Here's my problem with that.
I can't put a nativity scene in New York City public schools, but I can put a nativity scene in Central Park.
Okay, I still don't understand how that relates to what she just said or how it means.
See, here's the problem.
I can put a nativity scene.
What is that?
The government says we can't sponsor religion.
I don't want them to sponsor.
I want them to accommodate.
Why are they sponsoring atheism?
See, this is just it.
I mean, if you wanted to put a holy statement on the bus, I wonder how far they would go with this.
I'm going to guess all the way.
They would go all the way with it, Bill.
I wonder if you wanted to put a holy statement on the bus, how far they would go with it.
You mean, so you haven't actually tried to figure it out?
You haven't called them and asked them, or you just want to come out and complain about something that probably isn't even a problem.
Yeah, okay.
The atheists shouldn't be given a preferential treatment over people of faith.
Maybe it's just who's going to pay for the ad.
Well, you're asking most Americans, 96% of Americans believe in God.
And we're supposed to pay for these atheists who are in your face.
Let them do it on the side of a building someplace.
You know what I find amazing?
It's that his God is so strong that even a billboard on the side of a bus is going to throw off his belief system.
They're in your face with all their non-beliefs.
I don't need anybody shoving their non-beliefs down my throat.
They believe in God so much, but they're afraid that a billboard could change their mind.
They could see a billboard.
Oh, my God.
There's no God.
There's no God.
Okay.
That's how dangerous.
That's how strongly they believe.
They're the same people who would think that a gay teacher can turn their kid gay.
It's just like that.
Snap your face.
Oh, my God.
I was straight, and then all of a sudden I met this gay guy, and I don't know what they do, but it rubs off.
It really rubs off, literally.
Okay, so we have about a, there's a couple of, there's about a 40-second clip left, and he goes on a nice little ranty rant.
And let's just enjoy it.
I hope you're enjoying this as much as I am.
I'm doing on a billboard.
Don't ask the government to pay for it.
But we'll ask you real quickly about your book, Secular Sabotage.
You say there's secular sabotage taking place against America's cultural and religious traditions.
Give us an example.
The example, for example, is that people are in the courts trying to take out Under God the Pledge of Allegiance.
And God, we trust off the coins.
They've got movies coming out of Hollywood like the Golden Compass and the Da Vinci Code and others with their lies and feeding atheism.
You've got it in the schools with multiculturalism.
They're elevating the wonders of Islam.
Meanwhile, they're thrashing Christianity in the same textbooks.
Your artistic exhibitions, Brooklyn Museum of Art, Corpus Christi, assaults, scatological assaults on Christianity.
Gay has gone wild.
What's going on in front of St. Patrick's Cathedral?
I can't even describe on this show what I have seen and what I've witnessed, and I've got the pictures to prove it.
This is like the Brooklyn Museum was 20 years ago.
This is amazing.
This is Bill.
Yeah, any time of day you call Bill, it's like, hey, Bill, how you doing?
I got a couple of gays out in San Francisco doing some stuff in front of the bridge.
I got another guy.
I got two lesbians in Florida.
I got a guy with scatologic.
I got a bucket of urine with a cross in it at Minneapolis.
I got to cut him.
Bill, Bill, it's okay.
Everything's okay.
It's okay.
I don't know if you noticed, Bill, but the Catholic bishop of Ottawa was just arrested with child pornography on his laptop.
Okay?
Maybe we should look into that.
Is that true?
Yes.
When was this?
Last week?
Oh, my.
The bishop of Ottawa resigned citing a need for personal renewal.
And then the next day, the police charged him with possessing child pornography.
Wow.
So it's a good thing that he's off there.
It's definitely the liberals who are cheering up America.
That's Bill Donahue, ladies and gentlemen.
Not Phil Donahue.
That's Bill Donahue.
Okay, and now reading from the news account of the Archbishop of.
See, it's a city I have a hard time pronouncing the hard time pronouncing the name.
It's called A-N-T-I-G-O-N-I-S-H.
Antigonish.
Okay, he was the bishop of Antigonish.
His name is Bishop Leahy, and he was arrested last week and charged with possessing and importing child pornography over images found on his computer during a random check at the Ottawa International Airport as he returned to Canada from another country.
Leahy immediately resigned as bishop of Antigonish and a position he held for six years.
That's right.
I got a bishop up in Ottawa.
I got two queers over in Houston.
I got a guy on his knees behind a dumpster on Hollywood Boulevard.
I got two other.
I got a lesbian.
I got a liberal.
Okay, Bill.
Guess what?
I got a bishop.
I got a bishop in Ottawa.
I'll raise you a gay in front of the St. Christopher's Cathedral.
And why is he?
Do you want to defend him?
I'm not going to defend him, but I'm just curious as to why Canadian border guards are allowed to go through your computer and find pornography.
What does that have to do with security in terms of isn't airport security strictly about making sure terrorists don't blow any buildings up?
Well, maybe if he maybe you're using buildings as a euphemism for little boys.
I just assume that when you look at blow buildings up.
I don't think this sounds like something they could do in America, but not in Canada.
The idea of taking your computer and going through it and looking for pornography.
I suspect they're not going to.
I suspect my gut tells me he didn't have child pornography on his laptop.
I don't think anybody would be that stupid to travel with child pornography.
Really?
How about somebody who's into child pornography?
Maybe if it was blessed.
He blessed it.
Maybe he blessed it.
Yeah, maybe he blessed it.
You ever think of that?
Right before he boarded.
The other thing is, it's easier to plant child pornography on somebody's computer than it is to plant drugs on them.
With networking?
Oh, there's no doubt about that.
Yeah.
You go online, people have access to your desktop, and you don't even know it.
It sounds to me like you are preparing a future defense for something.
Is this true?
I am just trying to protect my right to look at pictures of Cupid.
Okay.
All right, I got you.
Artist rendering of angels.
David Feldman, ladies and gentlemen.
I just find that.
I find a lot of these charges of child pornography to be.
A lot of them?
A lot of them.
Can you name one other one besides Peter, the guy from the who?
I think a lot of these guys, I think a lot of this is, well, let's move on.
I think the government should arrest the people who are taking pictures of the pornography.
But if you possess it, that should be cool.
I think possessing it is wrong, but I think a lot of stuff is planted on people's computers.
I don't trust the police searching my house, and I don't trust them searching my computer.
Now, this might sound like I'm jumping topics, but how do you feel about David Letterman?
I think that his interest in child pornography is inexcusable.
When I read that he was forcing interns to look at child pornography, who does he think he is?
The Archbishop of Ottawa?
You know, the great thing about David Letterman is that he's come out and gotten ahead of the story, and now his ratings are skyrocketing.
I mean, he is.
You're kidding.
He's got the highest ratings he's ever had for his show.
And I just think, what?
There's somebody.
I'm sorry.
There's someone calling in.
I think, get out of here.
Is this really Jay Leno?
It's calling me.
Hey, Jimmy.
Hey, David, how are you guys doing?
Hey, Jay, how are you doing, buddy?
What's going on?
I've been actually not doing too good.
I mean, I've been fighting this.
I got this guy trying to extort some money out of me because, well, I'm just going to admit it to you right now, Jimmy.
I had sex with a lot of my staff members.
No, Jay, you did.
No, I did.
I had sex with staff members.
No.
No.
Well, he's got pictures of me.
No, Jay.
Well, he's got pictures of me trying to have sex with one of my cars.
With what?
With what?
What are you?
Anyway, but listen, I've had sex with women, though.
That's the thing that's really okay.
I don't believe that.
It would really hate for this to get out, you know.
I didn't want to take it out, you know, because I'm a good guy.
Well, you're saying it on the radio.
But anyway, if it happened, and I'm just admitting it right now, I had sex with many staffers.
I don't believe you.
I hope it doesn't hurt my.
I hope it doesn't hurt my standing in the public.
Jay, I just feel like maybe you actually are.
No, no, it's true.
No, no, I did it.
You know, I had a lot of sex with a lot of my staff, and it's just something I'm not very proud of.
It sounds like you are, actually, because you're talking about.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm actually, I'm very embarrassed.
I'm humiliated, in fact.
And you know, I got a lot of bridges to mend, you know.
I got to go home and I got to face the music with Mavis.
And, you know, Mavis has always stood by me.
And I've heard her terribly.
And I'm just going to try and make it up to her.
I hope my fans stick by me.
And I certainly hope it doesn't affect my rating.
Jay, it sounds like you're just a...
It's nice talking to you guys.
Hey, look at you, sweetass.
You look at sexy.
Wow, that was Jay Leno calling in.
And to me, it sounds like more of a ploy to get ratings of.
I don't, I doubt he's ever had sex in his life.
It's really breaking news here.
Yeah, I mean, he already had, you know, so he does have the strap-on chin.
So I know he's into kinky stuff, but.
So, Jay Leno calling.
That's our first big-time super duper to late-night talk show host calling in to the show.
I hope we get David Letterman next week.
Right now, here's a word from my intern.
You're listening to Jimmy Doer Live on Pacifica Radio.
Hi, I'm Carrie, one of Jimmy's interns.
I know what you're thinking.
For the record, Jimmy has never slept with an intern.
Never.
He's never used his position of authority to garner special favors, never pressured me to go on a date, never pinched me, or groped me, or rubbed up against me.
He's never ogled me or stared at me in a lustful way.
He's never practically ever even looked at me.
Not once did he say, you look good today.
Or nice skirt, or hey, did you cut your hair?
No, God forbid Jimmy Dore actually notices you or shows a little affection to someone he works side by side with day in and day out.
No, you want to know why?
Because he's got ethics.
Hooray.
I'm Jimmy Dore.
I'm so ethical it makes women have low self-esteem.
I'm so ethical it makes women have low self-esteem.
Okay, I hope you're enjoying some of these clips that we've heard once before but needed to hear again.
I think we don't never need to hear them, I guess, but they're fun to listen to.
They're informative.
And right now we're going to go to a lot.
You know what?
Keeping with our theme of making fun of the religious and making fun of hypocrites in general, David Feldman had a nice commentary about healthcare and religion.
And I say listen to it right now.
According to the Los Angeles Times, the Senate's new version of healthcare reform requires HMOs to cover Christian science prayer treatments.
The bill would ban insurers, and I'm not making this up, from differentiating between prayer and clinical medicine.
Great.
Now we have to worry about the separation of church and stat.
Only in America could single payer be off the table, but not single prayer.
Christian science, which under Bush became an oxymoron, doesn't believe in modern medical treatments, but apparently they have no quarrel with modern medical insurance.
Of course, this now opens the door to all the other money-grubbing charlatans, I mean, faith healers who want their fair share of healthcare reforms, one trillion-dollar collection plate.
Anyone who claims he can heal through the laying of hands is either a scam artist or a Catholic priest meeting a new altar boy.
And by the way, my Pentecostal friends, you haven't truly heard anyone speak in tongues until the Humana Lady explains why she will only reimburse you for the laying of one hand and three snakes for treating your glaucoma.
Every year you read about a child dying because his parents treated his infection through prayer instead of antibiotics.
Then, when those parents are brought up on murder charges, they go out and hire the most expensive criminal attorney they can find.
They hate doctors, but lawyers they believe in.
Hey, if prayer solves everything, get Jesus for a lawyer.
After all, he was a Jew.
The New Testament is rife with miracles, but even Jesus couldn't make the lame in Washington pass meaningful health care reform because even an act of God won't drive the money changers from America's Temple of Democracy.
The 9 million American children who lack insurance don't need to see the light.
They need to see a doctor.
Knock off this nonsense.
Knock off this nonsense.
You're listening to a special episode of the Jimmy Dore show.
It's August.
Somebody's got to take a vacation.
But what we're doing is playing some of our favorite clips from some of our old shows that have to do with religion, religious hypocrites, sexual hypocrites.
And when they come together, it's magical.
Coming up after, we're going to take a break, but coming up after the break, we're going to visit with one of our favorite Christian hypocrite politicians, David Souder from Southern Indiana, who was making abstinence videos and son of a gun ended up having sex with the lady he was making abstinence videos with.
That's coming up after the break.
and this is the Jimmy Dore Show on Pacifica.
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It's a special episode this week.
It's summer.
We're taking a vacation, but we're playing some of our favorite clips of religious hypocrites, sexual hypocrites, political hypocrites, and when they all come together, it's extra sweet.
Coming up later in this half hour, our favorite Christian hypocrite who was making abstinence-only videos to prove just how well abstinence education works.
David Sauter, the congressman from Southern Indiana.
Well, guess what?
He got caught having sex with the lady he was making the abstinence-only videos with, and he had a press conference to announce that he was resigning.
But he still had time to point his finger at somebody else during that apology.
We're going to go over that again.
It was fun.
David Feldman sits in with us for that, and so does Steph Zamorano.
But right now, I think one of the all-time favorite sexual scandals, when I say favorite, I mean favorite in because it shows just what kind of knuckleheads people can be.
Roman Polanski was in the news last year again because they were trying to arrest him and trying to bring him to justice for raping a 13-year-old girl 40 years ago.
And apparently, if, well, you'll hear all about it.
Let's talk about the people who defended Roman Polanski right now with David Feldman and Steph Zamorano and the knuckleheads who are defending Roman Polanski.
Let's talk about Roman Polanski.
You know who he is?
If you're too young to remember who Roman Polanski is, he's probably into you.
Roman Polanski is the 76-year-old super famous director who's been a fugitive from the American justice system for over 30 years.
He was on his way to Zurich, Switzerland to pick up a Lifetime Achievement Award.
I think it was from Nambla for being able to rape a child and escape justice.
There's been a large outcry because of the defense of Roman Polanski by what's perceived to be mainstream Hollywood.
A lot of people in Hollywood have written articles, editorials, and spoken out on television saying that they think Roman Polanski has suffered enough.
And I guess I see their point.
I mean, sure, a 30-year hiatus living in France as a millionaire celebrity certainly is a living hell.
I know I've always wanted to go to France, but I just could never find the right words to convince a mother to let me take her 13-year-old daughter over to my buddy's house so I can take some nude pictures of her after I filled her with some quailudes and champagne.
I mean, that certainly is a tough sell.
And tip of the hat to the Polish-born director who pulled that off in the first place.
The defense of Roman Polanski goes something like this: hey, sure, he might have done some bad stuff, but let's face facts.
He is an Academy Award-winning director.
He directed Rosemary's Baby.
He directed Chinatown.
Have you seen that movie?
That thing is tight.
Now, let's say Roman Polanski wasn't quite the director that he is.
Let's say instead of casting Jack Nicholson in the lead role in Chinatown, he cast Burt Reynolds, and the movie was just so-so and did poorly at the box office.
Well, then it's rape.
And this also brings me to another point.
People forget that talented people, especially artistic talented people, don't have to play by the same rules as the rest of us do.
You don't have to.
Not a lot of people talk about this, but it's a well-known fact that Michael Jordan gets to take one life a year without any legal repercussions.
That's right.
I think, hey, if you can take off from the free throw line and still dunk the basketball, you get to murder a guy.
Go ahead, take it out and road rage once a year.
You want to kill your brother-in-law?
Go ahead.
You're Michael Jordan.
You get to do those things.
And it occurs at all levels of show business, too.
Like, for instance, I heard John Hamm gets to download all the illegal songs he wants from the internet.
When my hour special started airing on Comedy Central, I was notified by mail that I could now drive in the carpool lane with impunity.
And why does that stuff happen?
Because we live in America, ladies and gentlemen, where America, rightfully so, respects celebrity and the effort it takes to attain it.
Let's say your talent falls outside of the realm of arts or sports.
Let's say you're really good with numbers.
Let's say your gift lies in finance.
Let's say, like, Secretary Paulson's talented.
He doesn't have to play by the same rules as the rest of us.
For instance, he was allowed to personally amass a $700 million fortune, a $700 million fortune, while simultaneously overseeing the biggest financial meltdown since the Great Depression.
See, if you're really talented with finance, like Secretary Henry Paulson, you're allowed to rape an economy without any legal prosecution whatsoever.
In fact, not only was he not punished, he was allowed to back a brinkstruct up to the U.S. Treasury Department, put in a trillion dollars, and pass it out to his closest friends without any oversight whatsoever.
Hey, it pays to be talented with finance, doesn't it?
Now, let's go to one of the most egregious defenses of Roman Polanski I've seen so far.
It comes from Whoopi Goldberg.
You think you know what rape is?
Well, there's something even worse than rape.
It's called rape rape.
I'm not kidding.
Here's Whoopee Goldberg.
I know it wasn't rape rape.
Yeah, there was a statutory last moment.
I showed you something.
It was something else, but I don't believe it was rape rape.
You know, when your defense of someone begins with the words, I don't think it was rape rape, I'm pretty sure you've already conceded the moral high ground.
One of the most ridiculous defenses of Roman Polanski was written by a guy named Robert Harris.
He's from Kingsbury, England, and it appeared as an op-ed in the New York Times.
It's a long article.
I won't read the whole thing.
I'll just hit you the highlights that I think are important.
His past did not bother me any more, presumably, than it did the three French presidents with whom he has had private dinners.
Hang on.
Note to self.
After you rape teen, try to see if you can have dinner with the head of state.
That will look better.
He goes on to say that nor did it seem to matter to the hundreds of actors or technicians that he's worked with since 1977.
Make sure you continue to work with at least a few hundred people.
Don't try to rape any of those people.
Okay?
Continuing, or the fans who come up to him in the streets of Paris for his autograph.
After raping girl, make sure you remain famous so you can have fame.
These are all great reasons why you shouldn't go to jail for rape.
He says his second response when the shock wore off was to wonder why now.
And you know what?
That is really a good question.
Why now?
I mean, why would you want to arrest someone who's been a fugitive from justice for over 30 years?
Maybe because if you actually arrest people who are fugitives fleeing law and incarceration, that that would actually deter people from doing the same thing in the future.
See, it's a weird effect you have when you actually enforce laws.
It actually deters people from breaking those laws in the future.
If you don't enforce those laws, then what's to stop someone in the future?
I guess that would be my first response to why now.
I guess my second response would be because he raped a 13-year-old girl.
That would be my second response, Robert Harris.
The specious defenses of Roman Polanski seem endless.
And I won't bother to list them all here.
One of the most egregious paragraphs I read in this editorial was the following.
I make no apology for feeling desperately sorry for Roman Polanski.
The almost pornographic relish with which his critics are retelling the lurid details of the assault make it hard to consider the case rationally.
Let's break that down for a second.
The almost pornographic relish with which his critics are retelling the lurid details of the assault.
So he's upset at the retelling of the assault, but he's not really upset at the assault.
Oh, the way they tell about the rape, it's so filthy.
The rape was, you know, I can overlook that.
But the telling of the rape, why are you doing that?
Why do you get a key?
And the way they do it, it's so pornographic.
I mean, that was a good, clean rape.
We all know that.
He's a big Christian thing that Roman Polanski did.
But the way they describe it, it makes it sound so dirty.
It really makes it sound dirty.
The last sentence in that paragraph, by the way, ladies and gentlemen, is: of course, what happened cannot be excused, either legally or ethically.
Period.
I'll read it again.
Of course, what happened cannot be excused, comma, either legally or ethically, period.
Okay, that should be the first sentence of this editorial, and that should also be the last sentence of this editorial.
Of course, what happened cannot be excused legally or ethically.
Okay, but that's exactly what this guy tries to do here in about a 16-paragraph editorial.
He closes with this paragraph.
But Ms. Geiner, that's the victim's name, Miss Geiner wants the case dropped to shield her family from distress, and Mr. Polanski's own young children, to whom he is a doting father, want him home.
And boy, is there really any better defense than that?
Hey, the guy has kids.
So if you rape someone, and if you rape a kid, but you also have kids, that's a reason for you not to go to jail.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you the New York Times editorial by Robert Harris from Kingsbury, England.
Hey, Robert, turns out you can be from Kingsbury, England, and still sound like a royal ass wipe.
And by the way, shouldn't there be a law punishing someone for being the world's worst house guest ever?
Really?
You're a guest in someone else's house?
Did Jack Nicholson think he ever had to lay that law down when letting someone into his house as a guest?
Oh, hey, thanks for coming over.
Hey, listen, it's raining out, so if you could take your shoes off, no smoking inside.
And oh, yeah, no rapings any 13-year-old girls.
You're listening to a special broadcast of the Jimmy Door show playing some of our favorite clips of the sexual political hypocrites of our time right now.
And don't forget, if you'd like to hear, if you've missed any part of this show and want to hear it again, you can get a podcast of this show for free at iTunes or go to jimmydoorcomedy.com and you can listen to an episode there.
You can download it there for free.
You can comment on the episodes.
You can watch video clips there of my comedy and all the other stuff.
Lots of stuff to do with JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Right now, let's move on with our favorite political hypocristian sexual hypocrite, David Sauder, the congressman from Southern Indiana who was making abstinence videos to teach kids how to use abstinence as birth control.
He got caught having sex with the woman he was making the abstinence video with and then had to resign.
Here it is.
There's the segment.
We talked about it with David and Steph.
I don't know if you heard about it, but one of my favorite things, I've said this, if you're a religious leader or a politician and you're against gay marriage and you talk about it on TV TV, it's just a matter of time before you get caught with a piece of a man in your mouth, right?
And so now one of my favorite things, this guy, Mark Souter, he's a Republican from Indiana.
He's big on the abstinence, big abstinence education.
You got to push abstinence, teach morality, you got to teach morality.
Well, it turns out he was having a little bit of a problem, and he had to, he had to come out and give a speech yesterday.
Regret, I announced I'm resigning from the U.S. House of Representatives, as well as resigning as a Republican nominee for Congress in this fall's election.
I believe it is the best decision for my family, the people of Northeast Indiana, and our country.
I will submit my resignation to Speaker Pelosi effective this Friday.
I can never fully thank all those who have worked so hard, given so much, and supported me through eight contested primaries in eight general elections.
Only when you have been the recipient.
Oh, he's choking up.
He's choking up.
Is he going to say BJs when he says recipient?
What is he going to say?
But I don't know, because it's a sex scandal.
You know, it's a sex scandal.
If the guy is pro-abstinence, you know it's a sex scandal.
Can you really feel the humbling power of such generosity?
A little too generous, they were with you, I think.
This is a tough one.
I know.
It's tough when you're outed for being a hypocrite.
It has been a privilege to be part of the battle for freedom and the values we share.
Wow.
Is that what you call it?
It's been a great honor to fight for the needs, the jobs, and the future of this region.
Oh, I thought he could save your penis.
Where my family has lived over 160 years.
Oh, and now you've betrayed them.
You shamed them.
It has been all-consuming for me to do this job well, especially in a district with costly, competitive elections every two years.
I do not have any sort of normal life.
Oh, so now I like it a little bit so we can feel sorry for him a little.
During his maya culpa, he wants us to go.
And he says, listen, I have a hard life.
I'm a congressman.
I'm the most powerful guy in my district, and it's hard.
For family, for friends, for church, or for community.
To serve has been a blessing and a responsibility given from God.
I wish I could have been a better example.
I sinned against God.
It was a blessing.
It actually was a blessing up until he got caught.
Right until here he comes.
He's about to let us know exactly what he did.
Ability given from God.
I wish I could have been a better example.
Me too.
Actually, I'm not.
I don't wish you would have.
I'm glad you're a hypocrite.
I sinned against God, my wife, and my family by having a mutual relationship with a part-time member of my staff.
In the poisonous environment of Washington, D.C. He blames Washington, D.C. Poisonous environment that he creates.
That he created.
Right, he's been there.
Yeah.
Oh, that D.C., those people, they're out there cheating on their wives and lying about it.
They're being hypocrites.
He's a victim of Washington, D.C., this poor guy.
Yeah, the poison got in me.
As much as I tried to fight it, the poison got in me.
But you know what?
It was mutual, which is, oh, what a relief.
You know, he didn't force himself upon his staffer.
Yeah.
His part-time staffer.
He didn't tickle him.
He didn't give him a tickle fight.
But he's really got it hard.
I mean, really, what a sob story for this guy, huh?
The guy who's just been caught being the biggest public hypocrite in Indiana has got a sob story to tell.
Isn't that nice?
If you knew me, you'd be shtep in your part-time thing and blah, blah, blah.
And her name was Diana.
So, in defense, he was representing his constituents.
Yeah, literally.
He was in Deanna.
Any personal failing is seized upon, twisted for political gain.
I'm resigning rather than put my family through a painful, drawn-out process.
He already did.
He cheated on them.
You already did it.
Yes.
Exactly.
Now they have an unemployed father who's going to be home sitting there reminding them of what losers they are.
Yes, the fact that I'm here because I cheated on you.
He was forced into it.
It was Washington.
Oh, come on.
It was a poison.
It was a poison.
Any legal question would have been clearly resolved, and I would have been exonerated.
But the political price to pay.
Okay.
Yes.
Exonerated.
He says if there was a, I would have been exonerated for a league.
Well, nobody's saying you legally did you did something illegal.
We're saying you did something that is contrary to what you based your whole political life on, being an evangelical Christian who was pro-morality and pro-abstinence.
And the problem is, in 2008, he filmed a short about his position on abstinence with this woman in it.
Yes, and with the woman he was having sex with, they did a little interview about abstinence.
And I have that.
We're going to play it right after.
Now he's on the right side of it.
Yeah.
Apparently, his sex tape is also a short, if you catch my bang.
If you catch my drift.
I don't catch it.
Oh, I catch it.
You can play on words.
I catch it.
Personal price of my family was not worth it.
There's only two minutes left of this.
Diana and my family were more than willing to stand here with me.
Okay, this is one of my so now he's by himself.
Now, this is my favorite part of this thing because right here, in the middle of his Maya culpa of admitting his hypocrisy and leaving public life and being completely, he takes time out to point the finger at some other people here.
Not only Washington and the poisonous environments, but other people who've done the exact same thing that he's done.
They're somehow even a little bit worse than him.
Watch this.
Of which any legal question would have been clearly resolved and I would have been exonerated.
But the political price to pay and the personal price of my family was not worth it.
Okay, here we go.
Here it comes.
Diane and my family were more than willing to stand here with me.
We're a committed family.
But the error is mine, and I should bear the responsibility.
And quite frankly, I'm sick of politicians who drag their spouses up in front of the cameras rather than confronting the problem that they cost.
Yes.
You do it right.
So you see, see, when I betray my family and I can totally have no integrity and I'm exposed for being a hypocrite, I do it right.
That's what he's saying.
I do it the right way.
I'm not one of these jerks who cheats on his wife and then makes her come to the press conference.
I'm a real street.
You want to marry a guy like me?
Because when I cheat on you, ruin our career, shame our family, disgrace us for generations, I'm not going to make you come to the press conference.
And that's why I'm better than those other guys who, quite frankly, I'm sick of.
I think he's just worried.
I think he's just worried what she's going to say.
Yeah, she's probably going to beat the crap out of him.
Yeah, he did it.
He's been doing this for a while, and I'm not okay with it.
So let's play his little...
She knew.
She knew.
She was so sick.
This is the first one that they've exposed.
This is not his first and only.
I would doubt it.
I mean, he's been in Washington for a while.
He's been vulnerable.
The only thing, he didn't write an apology.
He wrote a check to her.
That was it.
To who?
To his wife.
You think he wrote a check?
He said, cut me a check.
Okay, so here he is now.
Here's that thing that you just talked about, Steph.
Here is him with his lover talking about an abstinence hearing.
What does she look like?
She's a good-looking young lady, and this guy – I don't understand it.
And this guy looks like a cross between an ugly guy and an uglier guy.
And he's kind of ugly.
You know, he just looks like a traditional politician.
No, no, he doesn't.
No, he doesn't.
He's no Mitt Romney.
Here, I'll show it here.
You've been a longtime advocate for abstinence education.
And in 2006, you had your staff conduct a report entitled Abstinence and Its Critics, which discredits many claims purveyed by those who oppose abstinence education.
What did you think in this hearing?
Well, I personally feel I should have probably abstained from the hearing.
You know what?
That probably would have been smart.
I probably should have abstained from the hearing, considering the fact that I'm banging you right now.
You know, you just asked me that question when I thought about the abstinence hearing.
I probably should have abstained from it.
You know, seeing that you and I are having sex, you know, I've been bawling you, you know, behind my wife's back and behind my constituents' back, behind whoever you're back.
You know how we've been having an extramarital affair against God and religion, how I've been sitting that way.
And with you, the person who just asked me this.
I was thought I should probably, did you see?
Did you get a good look at it?
Yeah.
Yeah.
So how would you describe how that guy is?
He looks like George Will's ugly older uncle, right?
That's what he looks like.
She's not pretty, just by comparison.
She's not ugly.
She's pretty pretty.
She's like a prettier Carly Farina.
Right?
Carly Parino, who, anyway, here I get.
So that's what he said.
So he has one more.
Here's one more part of that interview of the abstinence interview.
When I was chairman of the committee of which Waxman was part, the chairman was part of my subcommittee, we did on absence programs and how to make them work better and how to make any kind of programs.
Not to prove that they failed.
And his program is how we can repeal absence problems.
Yeah, and he's there to prove that abstinence works.
Absolutely.
Yes.
But not in the context of a marriage.
No, not in a commitment.
Just for kids.
You know, just for kids, abstinence works.
For he can't.
It doesn't work for him.
You know, Chris Matthews had a great line.
He goes, well, they're selling abstinence, but apparently they weren't buying it.
Okay, I hope you're enjoying today's week's special episode of some of our favorite clips from old episodes because it's the end of August.
And the Jimmy Door writers have to go on vacation sometime to recharge their batteries right now.
You know, maybe some of them are seeing movies.
And, you know, Moron took Therese.
They went and saw a movie.
They went and saw Capitalism a Love Story about a year ago whenever that movie came out.
And guess what?
He came in and called in to tell us about it.
So here's Tuesdays with Moron and his review of Capitalism a Love Story.
Okay, Moron, what do you want to talk about?
Well, the old lady talked me into going to see this movie over the weekend called Capitalism a Love Story.
And I'm thinking, great.
Chick flick.
So she promised to go see Montgomery Gentry with me if I went and saw that.
So I went and she went and came and saw it with me.
Did you see that movies?
In fact, I did see it, Moron.
I liked it a lot.
I thought it was really good.
It really laid out the case in pretty clear language.
It was entertaining and it was funny at the same time.
And it's a movie I think it's important for all Americans to see.
How did you find the movie?
Did you like it, buddy?
Turns out it's a movie by that Michael Moore guy.
And that guy's out of his flipping mind, right?
I don't know what you mean.
Why do you say he's out of his mind?
Well, first of all, Sean Hannity says that, you know, this whole movie is all about how bad capitalism is and everything.
Yeah, it's about the brutalities of an unregulated capitalistic society where a very small group of ruling elite get control of the system and rig it for their benefit, and then the rest of the people suffer.
Yeah, listen, I'm not really following you, but Sean Hannity says that the beauty of this country is that if he tried to make that movie in Cuba, that he wouldn't, Phil Del Castro would kill him.
You know what?
That may be true.
I fail to see what that has to do.
Am I right, though?
You might be right.
But I'm right.
You might be right, Moron.
But what does that have to do with anything?
If Michael Moore tried to make a movie in Cuba like that, they'd kill him.
I don't know what the point is, but I'm just saying that that's a good point.
That's a good point.
Yeah, I guess that's a good point.
Okay, that's it.
Well, Board, did you see the movie?
Yeah, I saw the movie and it was kind of boring.
I mean, I'm not saying I understood it 100% because I kept waiting.
You know, it says it's a love story.
And I kept waiting for the girl to show up.
I'm like, when's he going to meet the girl?
When are they going to fall in love?
When is the music going to play?
And they're going to run on the beach and push each other in the water.
I mean, that's my favorite kind of love is in the movie love.
Where music plays and people fall in love.
Not in real life.
When there's bus fumes and crappy food.
And, you know, you know, and then you meet a brother and he tries to borrow money off you and everybody gets mad because you didn't know that her uncle was a Vietnam vet and you made a joke about Charlie and you know what I'm talking about.
Yeah, I think I hear you, Moron.
Movie love is a lot more fun.
So what do you say next week?
You go back and watch the movie now that you know what it is and you come back, give me a call, we'll talk about it.
Jimmy, that sounds like a great idea.
I'll go see the Michael Moore's films and then I'll call you back and let you know what I think.
Okay, talk to you later, buddy.
Take care.
Bye-bye.
Take care.
Take care.
And that was another episode of Tuesdays with Moron.
you you you Okay, that's our show.
I hope you enjoyed it.
And I hope you're enjoying the rest of your summer.
We're going to try to.
And we'd have a fresh episode for you next week.
And until then, I want to thank everybody who helps make this show possible.
Of course, my producer, Ali Lexa, everybody who helps write the show, Mike McRae, Robert Yasamura, Benzela Vansky, and Steve Rosenfield.
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