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Sept. 2, 2011 - Jimmy Dore Show
58:14
20110902_The_Jimmy_Dore_Show_9-1-11
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It's the Jimmy Dore show.
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper say It's hard to talk on your TV algae.
So sit back or sit up or keep driving.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody, and welcome to today's show.
I'm joined in studio from Dinner in a Movie and the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast.
It's Paul Gilmartin.
Hi, Paul.
Hello, James.
Good to hear your voice.
And one of the hippest guys in show business, former writer for The Daily Show.
It's Jim Earl.
You can catch him at MorningRemembrance.com.
Morningremembrance.com.
Hi, Jim.
Thanks for doing the show.
Are you happy?
Oh, God, I'm here.
You are here.
There's no squirrels this time, but we're going to get some for you.
All right.
And it says, sitting next to him, to his left, my right, another former writer for the Daily Show, hilarious comedian Steve Rosenfield, ladies and gentlemen.
How are you, Steve?
Okay, so let's, you know, we've been on vacation for a few weeks, and a lot of stuff has happened in the world.
So let's just, well, for one thing, Tim Paulenti dropped out of the GOP race.
He's now going to devote his energies to being dull and uncharismatic in the private sector.
What else happened?
Michelle Bachman won the Iowa Straw Poll since we were last here.
And, you know, let's just remember that all of life is interconnected.
Everything that happens somehow impacts the rest of the world, except the Iowa Straw Pole.
She likes being pulled with straws.
Yeah, and Dick Cheney wrote a book.
Yeah, the guy who makes no apologies for the Iraq war debacle, committing war crimes by ordering torture and spying on his own citizens, decided to put that all in book form just so everyone is crystal clear on why he goes with Dick instead of Richard.
The vicious gossip and petty backstabbing in draft Dodger Dick Cheney's book is the closest he's ever come to actual combat.
If sales of Cheney's book match the number of innocent people killed by his policies, it's going to be a bestseller.
Also, Rick Perry joined the race.
Pundits predict that Rick Perry joining the GOP race will really shake things up.
And I say, yeah, a backward religious nut job entering a field of backward religious nut jobs.
Really getting crowded.
I'm sorry.
It really is getting crowded.
And he's running for president, you know, because electing an arrogant Texas governor president worked out so well for us the first time around.
More, please.
Perry's campaign slogan, Rick Perry, the GOP a-hole you're a little less sick of.
And, you know, Rick Perry, he looks so much like Josh Brolin that Marcus Bachman won't stop bugging him for an introduction for Barbara Streisand.
Go ahead.
Did you see somebody had a bumper sticker of Rick Perry on their truck and it said, does this ass make my truck look big?
All right.
Well, you know, there also was a hurricane on the East Coast, and George W. Bush spent the time during the hurricane kicking back in his den and relaxing, giving Hurricane Irene the exact same treatment and attention he gave Katrina.
Also, there was an earthquake on the East Coast, and already New Yorkers are bragging about how much better earthquakes are in New York than Los Angeles.
You can get them till all hours.
Nice.
And so what are we going to be talking about on today's show?
Well, Michelle Bachman, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's be clear.
Michelle Bachman is running for president and is currently a hugely popular congresswoman.
And it's entirely possible that this woman will have a great deal more power and influence in the coming years.
So I, as an American and possibly soon-to-be Canadian, want to take a closer look at her today.
So if you're a regular listener to the show, or if you're not, we seem to have one central debate on this show.
Who's worse?
The insane corporate-owned politicians or the complacent corporate-owned news puppets.
It's like the taste-great less filling debate of the 80s.
It's never going to get resolved, but instead of getting a crappy bear at the end, we're not going to get a crappy country.
And today we're going to have clips from the poster child for both of those sides.
We're going to have Michelle Bachman, crazy politician, and we're going to insane politician, and we're going to have Brian Williams, everybody's favorite corporate tool from NBC, who we are going to implore comedy shows to quit inviting him on their show and start making fun of him for being a horrible reporter.
Okay.
Good for you.
Thank you.
Time for another installment of Oh My God.
Okay, now in the Oh My God segment, we have a double, we have back-to-back clips of our favorite guy, Pat Robertson.
Now, we all know that there was an earthquake last week on the East Coast.
Who's Pat blaming it on?
I don't know.
It could be the gays.
Could be.
Well, let's just back up because there was an earthquake last year, too, in Haiti.
And let's just remember what Pat had to say about the Haiti.
Do you remember what he had to say about the Haiti?
I bet it was comforting to victims, Jimmy.
Christy, something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people may not want to talk about it.
They were under the heel of the French.
You know, Napoleon III or whatever.
Is she going down on him right now?
It sounds like he's being filleted as he's talking.
Okay, there's more to it.
And swore a pact to the devil.
They said, we will serve you if you'll get us free from the French.
True story.
Master.
Master.
No teeth.
True story.
So that's what he had to say.
That's why it's their own damn fault because they made a pact with the devil so they get rid of slavery.
And, you know, you can't really blame them.
Yeah.
And how do you make a pact with the devil?
This is before the internet.
This is before cell phones.
I want to know how it's irrefutably documented.
That's what I want to know.
Like, do you just come home one day in the 1800s and there's a note on your door saying, hey, we're trying to make a pact with the devil.
Sorry, we missed you.
You have a representative.
See the devil.
Oh, is that what it is?
Oh, you're y'all elected representative to go talk to the devil.
And how come we can't do that?
I would love to make a deal with the devil right now.
Which you have.
You're in show business.
Oh, okay.
No, I mean a real one like this kind.
The kind that gets something done.
The kind that Pat Robertson will talk about.
Yeah, the kind that gets something done, Paul.
Exactly.
Okay, he had a little bit more to say about Haiti.
And so the devil said, okay, it's a deal.
And he's very tired.
The Haitians revolted and got themselves free.
But ever since they have been cursed by one thing after the other, desperately poor, that island of Hispanola is one island.
It's cut down the middle.
On the one side is Haiti.
On the other side is the Dominican Republic.
Dominican Republic is prosperous, healthy, full of resorts, etc.
Haiti is in desperate poverty.
Same islands.
They need to have, and we need to pray for them, a great turning to God.
And out of this tragedy, I'm optimistic something good may come.
Yeah, but right now, I'm just going to keep saying this stupid crap all the time.
Okay, so here's what he had to say, which is, it's nice that he's blaming the people.
And, you know, why does Haiti have such a bad account?
Sure, It's because of the devil.
It's got nothing to do with the Dominican Republic has three times as much land and less than a third of the people as Haiti.
There's a great divide between North America and South America.
In North, there wasn't slavery.
In southern states, there was slavery.
And that's why they made a pact with the devil.
Wait a minute.
And then a Martian came and made me lemonade.
Okay, so here's what Pat Robertson had to say about what we have, you know, there was an earthquake.
And luckily, the earthquake did not, it did some damage.
It was a five-point something.
5.8, I think.
Okay, so they didn't.
I probably should have that for the show.
That's all right.
I should have that fact.
You can't document that like you can devil conversations.
But they did some research.
And luckily, the reports are that the earthquake did not crack the bubble that the journalists and politicians live in inside of Boston.
It's in Trump Towers, right?
That they live.
That thing is intact.
Yeah, you can't crack that bubble.
So here's what he had to say about the earthquake.
Ladies and gentlemen, I don't want to get weird on this, so please.
Too late.
For what it's worth.
But it seems to me the Washington Monument is a symbol of America's power.
It has been the symbol of our great nation.
We look at that monument and we say, this is one nation under God.
Now there's a crack in it.
There's a crack in it.
It's closed up.
It's a crack in you.
There's a crack.
There's a crack in it.
I can't believe there's a crack in it.
Okay.
And what does that crack mean, Pat?
Is that a sign from the Lord?
Is that something that has significance or is it just a result of an earthquake?
What about the crack in the Liberty Bell?
What about that?
What about the crack in your brain?
How about that?
Is that no, is that just a sign from God?
Yeah, that's what that's what God's going to do.
He's going to, you know, I'm going to crack that Washington mic because I want to say, I wrote the Bible, but I think I'm going to start using cracks and monuments now.
He should speak up.
If he has something important to tell us, he should just enough with the cracks.
What about my crack?
What does that say about you?
That's a sign from God right there.
Boy, was it?
And if we're really going to look for signs of there being like something bad going on in our country, how about we just look at the raw data of how the rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer?
About that.
Biggest income disparity in our nation's history right now.
Worse than the Gilded Age.
And yeah, how about that?
How about we have 16% unemployment?
And anyway, so here.
Stop, guys.
I have an iPod.
Oh, that's right.
You know, I can get Facebook on my phone.
Okay, so who cares?
So here we go.
He had more to say.
You judge, but I just want to bring that to your attention.
But it seems to me symbolic.
You know, when Jesus was crucified and when he died, the curtain in the temple was rent from top to bottom.
I mean, it was just going and there was a tear.
And it was extremely symbolic.
Is this symbolic?
You judge.
Okay, so I don't know.
I didn't know about that.
When Jesus crucified, the God decided to tear the curtain.
And then, I don't know.
And now when they passed gay marriage in New York, I heard that God ripped a telephone book in half.
Yeah, he was just like, watch this, yellow pages.
I am upset.
This is Pat Robertson.
The guy was a practical.
He liked to, you know, rip a piece of paper when Jesus was bending over it, too.
It really doesn't mean anything.
He was a card.
Here's a card, that guy.
Crack up.
That guy's a, he is really, he's a cut-up, huh?
Isn't he?
So that's what's, yeah, and that's like, as if the Washington Monument is a symbol of, yeah, yeah, if something bad happened, is the Washington Monument okay, though?
Okay, after 9-11, I was like, okay, yeah, that's horrible.
But how's the Washington Monument?
Is that good?
No, wait a minute.
What is the Washington Monument a symbol for you of?
I mean, that wasn't a symbol of America's power for me.
I just, that's Washington Monument.
It's okay, Washington.
Symbol of Washington.
Yeah, it's a symbol of Washington.
And $3.
You got to go up.
Why wouldn't he have said the Twin Towers being knocked down?
Is that a symbol of our financial malfeasance?
Yeah, no, that was the gays, I think, that had the gays.
The gays and the secularists and the feminists, I think, did that, right?
Wasn't that?
And I think the symbol of the Washington, to me, it's always been a phallic symbol.
Me too, yeah.
Yeah, I have a little lady.
Why couldn't they add a couple balls to the base?
That's what I want to know.
I don't know if we can put that.
on the nose.
Yeah.
All right.
All right.
This has been, oh my God.
Oh, my God.
Okay, that was a fun, oh, my God, segment.
Thanks for Pat Robertson.
I hope you live forever.
I hope you already has.
I mean, really, just keep, you know, his son's almost as crazy as him, though.
And they like to do that whisper voice, that talking like this.
Anyway, we're going to move on right now.
We've talked about it.
We talked about it.
And by the way, coming up also on the rest of today's show, you're listening to the Jimmy Doer show, right?
And I'm in the studio with Paul Gilmartin, Jim Earl, and Steve Rosenfield.
And I want to let you know this show is available as a podcast.
That's right.
If you missed any part of today's show, you can go to JimmyDoorComedy.com and get a free podcast.
Or you can go to iTunes.
You can get a podcast for free.
That's right, the Jimmy Door show.
Okay, right now we're going to move on.
And I told you at the beginning of the show, we're going to talk about Michelle Bachman.
Also, Rick Perry sat down with me for an interview.
So did Governor Chris Christie.
We're going to get to that in the second half of today's show.
I am very lucky.
And right now, we always have the debate on the show.
What's worse?
The insane and corporate-owned politicians or the complacent corporate-owned news puppets, all right?
Well, we got a good taste.
I'm going to play a couple of clips from Michelle Bachman, and then we're going to play some Brian Williams, and you're going to decide.
Right now, here's what Michelle Bachman was saying about the earthquake.
I don't know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians.
We've had an earthquake.
We've had a hurricane.
He said, are you going to start listening to me here?
Listen to the American people because the American people are roaring right now.
Yes, so that's what it's so God wants us to listen to the American politicians listen to the American people.
So he sent a hurricane and an earthquake that will take billions of dollars to repair the damage from.
And the message is stop spending.
That'll put a debt in the deficit.
I mean, she's a pistol.
I mean, seriously, she's a limited edition Caltech firearm called Michelle Bachman 380.
And there's only one bullet in the chamber, and it always misfires.
Hello, people.
That's some joke writing right there.
And it's married to another gun that doesn't know it's a gay gun.
Yes, it is.
She really is a one-note idiot.
And she just invoked the name of God, two tragic national disasters, and politics in one sentence.
She's like the black velvet painting of professional American politics.
And if you don't know why that's so wrong, then just turn off your radio now and go back to talking to your humble figures.
Nice.
I enjoy a humble figure reference.
That's a very nice humble figure reference.
I'm trying to sell mine.
You notice how she said politicians?
Like she's not one of them.
Like she's not a three-term congresswoman, right?
Yeah.
And I would agree, she's not a politician in the sense that she's not a real policymaker, but she is a politician in that she's constantly angling for attention and power.
And it's one of my favorite Republican strategies, painting yourself as the outsider when you are anything but.
Like when George W. Bush was so against the East Coast elitists when he was, in fact, a kid from Maine and went to Yale.
Or Rick Perry is all like, we execute violent lunatics in Texas.
No, you don't.
You elect them governor.
And there are a few outsider politicians.
I think Dennis Kucinich, I think, who's the independent story?
There's Bernie Sanders.
Yeah, there are a few.
There are a few, but they're certainly not in the Republican Party.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And they're not, I wouldn't, well, I guess Kucinich is a Democrat, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
But he's been known to go along to get along.
I'll gladly take a house full of Dennis Kucinich's.
Yeah, I'm with you.
You know, the thing that Bachman did there is she does that subtle thing where she switches from God to the American people, probably because she might have an inkling that claiming God is the foundation for your political agenda might not play well in places where people are, you know, have a community college, let's say.
And she inadvertently does say what she's been listening to the voice of God is the same as listening to the popular voice of the American people.
Now, if that's true, then God has a lot to answer for.
That's all I'm saying.
God is stupid.
God loves wrestling.
God loves wrestling.
God wanted to make NCIS the number one show this summer.
God needs to know who really can dance.
She hates immigrants.
She's listening to the voice of God.
I can't stop listening to her voice.
That is the most hideous thing.
That is just as grating.
You can't pay attention to that.
Her husband was straight when they got married.
That's how grating her voice is.
But she got called out.
She got called out on making light of it.
Like God sent us to her.
She got called out for that, which never happens, but it happened.
So I guess it does happen sometimes.
So she had to answer for it.
And here's what she had to say.
Ready?
This isn't something that we take lightly.
And my comments were not meant to be once that were taken lightly.
What I was saying in a humorous vein is that there are things that are happening that politicians need to pay attention to.
It isn't every day that we have an earthquake.
Okay, so what she was saying, did she just say that her jokes weren't meant to be?
Yeah, you know, don't take me lightly when I'm goofing around, okay?
And also, don't take me serious when I'm giving a detailed policy speech.
She's very passive-aggressive.
Because that's what you well, the second part, mission accomplished.
We don't take her seriously when she gives a detailed policy account.
Has she ever given a detailed policy?
No, I guess not.
I don't know, but that would be, that is when she's going to be joking.
That's when she's going to be in her most hilarious.
Yeah, that's what.
Yes.
And by the way, Michelle, that storm that God delivered to us to send us a message.
That storm killed 41 people in 14 states and cost billions of dollars.
And a 5.8 earthquake to tell us to stop spending on stuff.
That's what God sent us.
Earthquakes and hurricanes so we could stop spending on stuff.
And she knows that because earthquakes don't happen every day.
Well, she's right.
An earthquake doesn't happen every day because, according to the Center for Earthquake Research, there are thousands of earthquakes every day, 2,600 earthquakes every day, to be exact.
That's two a minute.
An earthquake every 30 seconds.
Alaska alone has 4,000 earthquakes a year.
I wonder what the hell God's trying to tell those knuckleheads.
They just won't listen.
He won't stop talking.
God is casting featherbox.
God has got diarrhea of the mouth up in Alaska up there.
You just tune him out after a little while.
A regular Kathy Griffin.
Another earthquake.
Thanks.
I get it.
I get it.
Stop spending.
Her basic thesis is that an earthquake is a sign from God, which we all must pay attention to.
And she's, she literally, what she's saying is, watch for the signs.
So I guess an earthquake and a hurricane mean cut Medicare.
Tornadoes and locusts means we can act on an infrastructure stimulus plan.
Is that what that means?
You know, I miss the old way we used to do policy where we just rolled chicken bones and the White House chief of staff would interpret them.
You know, I believe in God, but I think it's really disingenuous to use God to pin your platform or your interpretation of policy.
It's just, to me, it's just so people that do have faith.
I think it makes them all look bad because it makes it look like everybody that believes that there's something out there thinks that this is how you think that it works.
Well, it certainly does reflect badly, I think, on the religious, certainly when they don't denounce her every time or her or people like her when they do things like that.
Yes, certainly.
I think Bachman is saying God is a huge a-hole.
It sounds like it's look what he's doing.
Earthquakes, hurricanes.
Come on.
Yeah, I've had it, you guys.
What kind of a first of all, why would you, yeah, it does sound like God's a little bit of a jerk.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Why would you want that?
Oh.
And he cracked the Washington Monument, which I'm still bothered by.
Yeah.
That's going to cost a fortune to fix.
What did that mean, that crack?
I'm racking my brain.
Unfortunately.
Men is out of curtains, I guess.
Unfortunately, I think the God of a lot of organized religions is this idea of a punishing, hateful God, which that doesn't work for me.
No.
It doesn't work for me.
Well, it will work for you when you're in hell.
Okay, you'll get it.
So let's get to our favorite corporate tool and mouthpiece, a guy who tries to bring you the news, but doesn't really, okay?
Here's Brian Williams.
He was on the Jimmy Fallon show.
Hilarious.
And by the way, stop inviting Brian Williams on your show and start making fun of what a horrible newsman he is.
Here's what he has to say.
So this is right near when they were having the debt ceiling debate, and he was on Jimmy Fallon.
So here's what he has to say about how he does the news.
But I mean, do you find it hard being, you know, Brian Williams?
You can't really have his side.
You have to be, you can't pick a side.
Well, I try to play it down the middle like you do every night.
I do it in news, you do it in comedy.
We try not to take a side.
What?
What does that even mean?
What do you mean you don't take a side?
You've been taking the side of corporate America since your first moment on the air.
Are you talking to Fallon or both?
No.
I don't have a problem with Fallon, but Brian Williams, how do you think – The fact that he even thinks he's doing it down the middle.
Well, first of all, why does the number one newsman in America give credence to the BS philosophy that the news has two sides?
You know, there aren't two sides to the truth.
Sometimes there are.
Sometimes there are.
Sometimes there are different interpretations of things.
But to say that he is down the middle and he is speaking for the middle class is ridiculous.
No, what when he, no, he's implying that what his job is to do is to report both sides of the news.
There isn't both sides of the news.
There's two political spins to the news that you're supposed to decipher and then tell me what it means.
As if there are two equal sides to the truth.
No, there's only the truth.
There's only the truth.
There's only the facts.
There's only how.
Somebody's lying.
Well, yes.
Just the fact that you have to edit something means that it cannot be completely objective.
Because just by choosing what you choose to err is in and of itself putting a spin on something.
So it's impossible to be completely objective.
Given that what they choose to err is spun completely to the right.
And I'm sure the right side, the right, let me say, oh, that's insane.
They're liberal.
No.
Let me ask you when Walter Cronkite came out and told people that the Vietnam War is a lost cause and it's never going to end.
Was he not being objective?
Or is that subjective?
That was subjective, but I think that was an important thing for him to do because the government wasn't being honest with us about it.
Couldn't you objectively look at the facts and go, objectively, you could look at this and say, we got to get out.
We're never going to win.
If I was a Martian, dropped in here and I looked at this situation, I would say.
But he had to extrapolate to say that.
Any common-sensed person would have been able to extrapolate and say that.
But it wasn't a fact yet.
Okay.
But I think it was an objective reality that people could conclude.
Yes.
You didn't have to be a partisan to conclude.
Because he said that, that made it an objective reality that it wouldn't have been because Cronkite said that.
Even Johnson said, well, now the Cronkite said it, now it's over.
Yeah, the word.
And so, and Brian Williams, like, why wouldn't that be part of your job?
Why wouldn't it be part of your job?
Because he's not interested in the news.
Right.
Because he's a hairpiece.
Right.
You know, I know what makes him, it does make him crazy.
Go watch broadcast news and then you'll understand why.
It's weird.
It's like it makes him cringe to actually have to report facts that will upset his corporate masters or half the dimwits and his audience.
But that's your job, Brian.
That's your job.
That's your job to sift through the BS and tell people what it means.
And to risk not being popular.
Walter Cronkite had to risk not being popular with people who thought Vietnam was a great idea.
And you have to risk being boring.
You're already on a news show.
People are allowing you to be boring.
You're on a news show.
It's why the FCC gives you that license is to serve the community.
And you stopped serving the community somewhere in the 80s.
The thing that he can play it down the middle, it's like he doesn't play it down the middle.
He doesn't play it at all.
I mean, that's the problem, right?
He's like a sonographer for anybody who can issue a press release or stage a press conference.
That's not being a player.
That's not playing, just writing down what they're saying.
He's only repeating.
Repeating what he's been told.
This is true for all the major networks for the most part.
The penny saver asks more.
Yes, that's a good point, too, Jim, is the fact that we're not singling him out.
He just happens to be one of the more publicly seen people that are dropping the ball.
I think more accurate if he would have just said, look, I just show up, read out loud what's ever put in front of me, and I look good doing it.
And I want to be home by seven or eight o'clock at night, so I have a nice glass of Chardonnay.
And I honestly don't know or think hardly anything except that I'm sure I like being famous and stuff.
Yeah.
That's part of the problem with having multi-millionaires give us the news is that they are beholden to other multimillionaires and they're in the multi-millionaire club.
You get used to that lifestyle and do you want to upset that?
I probably wouldn't if I was making that kind of money.
I'd be like, middle class got it pretty good.
I don't know any, but they are making that kind of money.
What, dinner in a movie?
That's non-union.
70 million.
Non-union.
Okay, so now let's go to the second half of that clip.
Brian Williams talking about here he talks about when he doesn't play it down the middle.
At the end of the day, when I clock out and we have a big huge time clock downstairs.
Do you still do that?
Oh my gosh.
I'm a citizen and I vote.
I don't discuss how I vote, but I vote.
I'm a taxpayer and I have opinions and I don't like this brinkmanship, taking it right down to the end.
This is the debt limit of the United States.
Real people will get real hurt next week if they don't raise this.
What do you think will happen?
What would happen?
Oh, there's a number of things.
I mean, federal employees could stop getting paid.
Hopefully they'll make a provision for those in uniform overseas.
A lot of construction projects will halt.
Our credit rating will receive real damage.
People's interest, people's interest rates will go up.
Alternate side of the street parking will be suspended.
Okay, so let me just, I know it's a little bit of a long clip, but notice how our hero, he pretends that it's both parties being reckless and unreasonable and then leaves out the pertinent information about a small group of extreme right-wing audiologues being reckless enough to ruin our whole country.
So according to Brian Williams, reporting who is responsible for the debt ceiling debate is partisan journalism, but not reporting who is responsible for the ongoing debt ceiling debacle is playing it down the middle.
Thank God Brian Williams didn't actually say what was happening or why or who was doing it.
Otherwise, he would have been accused of not playing it down the middle by a bunch of fact fudgers and science deniers, and he can't have that, right?
Good thing he's not trying to be a down-the-middle corporate reporting tool in England.
How do you play it down the middle in England when they have three parties?
Don't they play it down the middle on the left?
I mean, I'm serious.
Would he be able to say that in England?
I'm a journalist in England.
I play it down the middle.
There's three parties.
Well, we have a president who plays it down the middle or says he does.
And that allows people like Brian Williams to act like both sides are equally responsible for this, which they aren't.
Because our president says that.
But did you notice how Brian Reid, Brian Reid, how Brian Williams actually kind of forgot that he was a corporate tool and started to actually speak from his heart for a second there?
Like he was talking about, and I get angry about this debate, this debate.
I don't like the brinkmanship.
I forget I mentioned it.
And then he caught himself and he made a joke right at the end, which kind of just deflated his whole point, right?
It's like he actually had an opinion.
He was like, oh, my God, I'm actually saying something that's useful to people.
I'm actually telling them what the news means.
And I got to say, he had to nip it in the bud right away.
Even his voice sounds contrived to me, that folks.
He's like a road company Peter Jennings.
Remember him?
Yes.
He's like a road company Peter Jennings.
Jennings is long gone, but this guy's still done.
You know, I fully expect that one day Brian Williams is going to be giving us the news, and he's going to actually start giving us facts and telling us what they mean.
And he's going to catch himself and go, oh, no, no, I've said too much.
And the shot's going to ring out.
And just as Brian is sinking below the desk, the broadcast is going to switch to an emergency lost episode of Will and Grace that NBC keeps on standby just for stuff like that.
I always thought they'd cut to a shot of a cartoon squirrel gnawing through an electrical wire and say we're having technical difficulties.
That's Paul Gamartin.
This is the Jimmy Door show on Pacifica.
Hi, podcast listeners.
Thanks for downloading the show this week.
We're glad to be back.
I want to take a moment to thank our donators for making this show possible.
Thanks to everybody who has swung by JimmyDoorComedy.com and clicked on donate and made a donation.
Because as you know, we make this show available for free to KPFK and the Pacifica Network.
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That stuff actually does help.
Okay, well, here comes the second half of the show with our interviews with Governor Chris Christie and Governor Rick Perry.
Hi, welcome back to the Jimmy Door Show.
I'm joining studio in Studio B in Pasadena this week from Dinner at a Movie on TBS and the Mental Illness Happy Hour Podcast.
It's Paul Gail Martin, former writer for The Daily Show.
It's Jim Earle, another former hilarious stand-up comedian and not former, current and former writer for the Daily Show, Steve Rosenfield, is sitting in with us.
And I was lucky enough coming up on this second half.
We're going to, I was looking enough.
I had two of our favorite governors sat down while we were on vacation and talked with us.
Governor Chris Christie and Rick Perry sat down.
And right now, here's a little bit of that Chris Christie.
He sat down.
So, Governor Christie, I appreciate you stopping in while you're in town.
I think you've been handling the Irene very well.
We had a big problem over there.
There was a big storm to get through.
Not a lot of rain.
Flooded a lot of bridges and shit.
Vermont got my budget, mother.
Governor, I've heard that you were working well with FEMA, but that's a federal agency.
And, you know, I mean, that's just kind of like antithetical, right, to what the Republicans stand for now.
You're saying that the government is doing a good job.
We didn't need FEMA to come in there.
All they did was meet to tell people to get out of there.
FEMA was not a necessary part of this operation.
All I had to do was want to dig it on the television and say, listen, all you old who think you can survive, get the out of here.
Get out of New Jersey.
That was all the old retirement homes in Atlantic City.
There's like 80 old people today.
Get out of there.
We don't want to be scooping up your bodies in Bull of the Garbage.
I don't got the time to be doing that.
Well, you look at me.
Look at me when I'm talking to you.
There's a storm coming.
You got to look me in the eye.
So, Governor Christie, you would say that FEMA's doing a good job.
Mostly now, there were some people that were out on the beach and they wouldn't get off.
Now, I saw you on television.
You were actually, you were swearing at them.
You were saying.
Yeah, there are a bunch of retards.
People fucking surfing Cape May.
More like Cape Moron.
These people surfing around.
They dig into the Ferris wheels.
Not a Ferris wheel.
It's a hurricane.
I read.
So now you find that kind of yelling and swearing a little is more effective with the dumb people who stop.
I'm the governor of New Jersey.
That's the only thing that my people respond to.
What am I going to come up there and read them a poem?
Here's what Robert Frost would tell you about.
Get the out of New Jersey.
There's winds and sand and water and all things coming directly to your face.
Leave.
Go.
How do I not say this any more clear than I'm saying about now?
Go to Pennsylvania and hang out with the Amish for whatever the f do over there.
This isn't a joke.
This isn't something that people can mess around with.
There's a hurricane coming.
No, it already came.
It's over.
Even so, people need to get the out of New Jersey.
People need to leave.
All those stragglers on the beach, all those retards stuffing around thinking they're going to hang 10 or whatever the f they do.
Get the out.
This is a way.
This is small.
It all comes down to small government.
Well, what do you?
I understand.
The less people in New Jersey, the less government we need.
Sure.
Where should they go?
So we started.
We use Irene as an excuse to begin with to get people out of the state.
Evacuate.
Now we're not going to let them back in.
We're going to keep doing this so there's 18 people living in State James.
And we don't need any federal body.
No funds.
One school.
at Hopewell Township.
Yeah, I still got...
Okay, that was our sit-down with Governor Chris Christie.
I appreciate Governor taking his time out.
That was nice of him.
And of course, as always, Mike McRae doing a great job with the voice of Governor Chris Christie.
That's so funny.
Sounds a lot like Tony Soprano.
It's really something.
I think he sounds a little bit like that's who he sounds like.
I was also lucky enough to sit down with Perry sat down with me.
Steve Perry from Journey.
No, it wasn't Steve Perry.
It was Governor Kyler Perry?
It was Governor Rick Perry.
So I was lucky enough to sit down with Governor Perry, and I'll play some of that for us right now.
So let's Governor Perry.
Can I ask you, you know, your book?
Shoot, brother.
Well, thanks for coming in.
And, you know, you're getting a lot of heat for your book.
Fed up, yeah, man.
You should buy it.
Have you bought it yet, Jimmy?
No, I have not.
You make fun of me on your show all the time.
You might as well buy the book and read about what I'm about or what I was about eight months ago.
Well, you're not about that anymore?
Not necessarily.
That book was of its time.
It was, you know, it was specific to when I was writing it.
When I wrote that book, I was looking backwards, not forwards.
You can't make me look old directions all the time.
I'm not Cerberus or whatever.
So you don't feel that way about Social Security because you said it was a Ponzi scheme.
Well, kind of, you know, yeah, it's a Ponzi scheme, but also not.
That's why it's so complicated.
We don't need things that are that complicated in the federal government, okay?
We don't need that.
And what would you want to get rid of it?
You want to get rid of Social Security?
I think we need to privatize it.
We need to bundle it and sell it and have dudes make money off it.
Okay.
That's why we need to, yeah, that's what we need.
Sure, whatever.
Jesus, man.
Who gives a shit about.
Oh, man.
I try to run for prison.
I just want to talk about Jesus and guns and all that.
And everyone's like, oh, Social Security.
All the I don't understand, man.
I don't give a fuck.
God damn.
Just Jesus and man.
That's what it's about.
Quit asking me this crap.
He's annoyed.
Governor Perry.
What?
What?
Governor Perry.
Oh, no, you've been cutting the budget.
Like, you know, you talk about the Texas Miracle, but aren't most of those jobs minimum wage jobs?
Well, minimum wage, what does that mean?
That just means a wage that is the least is the minimum, right?
Of what you can have in a job.
Right?
Right.
What's wrong with that?
Don't you want that?
Well, you can't raise a family on that.
That's the problem.
You can raise a minimum family.
I don't know what that means.
I don't even know what that means.
I don't know what it means either, but let's leave it to business to figure out what it means.
Okay.
The government's not here to tell us what a family can do.
The unemployment rate in Texas is actually 8.4%, which is only one percentage point lower than the national average.
So, is that really that?
That's a whole point.
That's a lot of that's like a thousand millipoints.
That depends on how you look at it, man.
Well, I'm looking at it as like it's just one percentage point.
So, is that really something that they'd be bragging about?
Well, and then you're cutting schools.
You have to, you know, you're cutting all the we're adding schools, man.
No, you're not.
Those are a lot of schools.
There's a bunch of, I saw a school that was being built the other day on my way to the airport, man.
It's like a spontaneously just grew up out of the ground, man.
No, you really are.
It looked like a school.
I don't know.
It could have been a Derry Queen.
But you really are cutting the budgets for schools, right?
You know that the education.
Yeah, well, what better way to teach children about parsing your finances than cutting, you know, starting at the root?
Firing teachers, firing teachers.
Well, if they're not up to par, I mean, in Texas, we have a you do it or get shot philosophy when it comes to all things, okay?
Now, tell me about you.
You have a controversial position.
We don't literally shoot them, but you know, you have a controversial position on evolution.
Well, no, I don't.
I don't believe in it.
There's nothing controversial about that, man.
That's pretty because it's against scientific fact.
Depends on your science, man.
What science are you talking?
I'm talking God science.
What's wrong with?
Hey, in Texas, I made it very clear.
We teach creationism and evolutionism both.
And we assume that five-year-old children are smart enough to decide which one is true.
Now, personally, I'll be honest with you, I'm not going to beat around the bush.
I believe in intelligent design, okay?
And there's a lot of science that backs it up.
You know, the what kind of science backs up in well, hey, all right.
Here's a thing that people say when they're trying to defend what I'm about to say: irreducible complexity.
You've heard that theory, right?
Or what that statement is?
Yeah, I've heard that.
Irreducible complexity says there's certain parts, there are certain organisms in an organism that are so complex that if you take out one part, the whole goddamn thing doesn't work anymore.
Right.
So, if evolution goes simple to complex, that doesn't work.
So, you take a take my dick, for example.
Okay, there's so many millions of little things and doodads in there to make it do what it does.
You took one thing away, it wouldn't work.
Okay, QED creation.
All right.
It didn't evolve.
God made my dick.
Ask my wife.
She'll say the same thing.
So you're saying that by virtue of organism being so complex, that proves it couldn't evolve?
Yeah, man, because if you go irreducible complexity, man, one of my coaches told me to say that over and over again.
Irreducible complexity.
That means you can't reduce the complexity of it, right?
You see, if something evolution says simple to complex.
So it's complex things came from simple things, but if you take a super complex thing like your eye or my dick and take away, they're so complex, take away one part of it.
It don't work no more.
Now, how can you go from a thing that don't work to a thing that works?
Boom.
Jesus.
That doesn't make any sense.
Is that really what?
What is it called?
Complexity?
Irreducible complexity.
Irreducible.
Ted Haggard taught me about that.
Oh, sure, sure.
Look it up on YouTube, man.
Ted Haggard, sure.
He's got the gake here.
But, okay.
Okay, so that's how you feel about what about global warming?
You don't do you think that tell me.
Well, give me a break, man.
Do you think that that's a hoax?
Global warming is a hoax?
Yeah.
Who's into that, man?
Like Leonardo DiCaprio and Al Gore?
Scientists.
Is that who you listen to?
Scientists are into it.
What science?
No, they're not.
What?
The same guys who don't believe in irreducible complexity.
Yeah.
That would be.
Look, man, in Texas, we've been.
It's all right.
It's kind of warm down there.
I've got to be honest with you.
But didn't you have a three-day prayer?
Didn't you call there was a drought going on, Roe, one of the worst droughts ever in Texas, right?
And your solution to that was the call for three days of prayer.
Yeah, we had a call for prayer to pray for rain.
And how did that work out?
A lot of people showed up and they prayed.
I mean, how did the rain?
No, but we're not.
Yeah, which you know what?
That proves that our God listens because we're not engines or something.
We don't expect like some rain god to rain down on us.
We just want God to know that we're praying for rain.
We don't expect him to do it.
Our God's more complex than what you give us credit for.
Oh, is that more of that irreducible complexity?
No, that's a whole different thing, man.
That's science.
I'm talking about God now.
Okay.
All right.
So how do you feel about the separation of church and state?
Separation.
Well, I'll tell you what, man, that's a whole thing.
That's a modern invention.
That is not something that was in the Constitution.
If you read the Constitution, you'll see three things.
Pursuit of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You will see it says in the Constitution, the tree of liberty should be watered with blood.
Some shit up every now and again.
Thomas Jefferson wrote that part.
Thomas Jefferson wrote the Constitution.
That part's in there.
Okay.
Okay.
And there's a part of the Constitution where it says in 200 years, a bunch of liberal homos are going to say their separation of church and state in this document.
Do not listen to them.
You apparently haven't read that part.
Okay.
Now, is that all in the Constitution?
Yeah, man.
What do you think I'm talking about?
That's not the Declaration of Independence.
That's the same.
That's the same thing.
That's not the same.
In spirit, it's related.
What do you think?
Oh, you think the separation of church and state's in their Constitution?
Yes.
Do you think that's what our founding fathers were Christians, and they wanted to create a Christian country?
It's the no-establishment clause is what they refer to.
What the hell is that, man?
Is that the government shall not recognize, establish or recognize any you know what?
Let me look it up.
I'll tell you right now.
Oh, you can go to, oh, yeah.
Wikipedia.
Yeah, I'm sure.
You find out Mr. T wrote the Constitution on there, man.
Mr. T?
Yeah, I'm saying that.
No, Wikipedia.
You're going to go on the internet.
You don't go to the internet to find out what's in the Constitution.
You go to church to find out what's the Constitution.
That's funny.
I don't see why.
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion.
That's it.
Yeah, we're not establishing a new religion.
I mean, that would be like Mormonism or Scientology or something.
We're not establishing a new religion.
We're just saying religion is part of what Constitution is.
I hear what you're saying, Governor.
All right, Governor, is there anything you'd like my listeners to hear to know about you?
Like what makes you different than Michelle Bachman, for instance?
Well, I got a dude.
Okay.
I mean, let's run him down.
You want me to run down all these people?
You want a woman president?
Come on.
Let's be honest.
No.
Who else?
Okay.
Who else you got?
Who else you got?
Mitt Romney?
Mormon.
Get the out of my face with that.
Why not a woman president?
Oh, man.
Come on.
You kidding me, man.
Oh, we're going to go war with okay.
I hear what you're saying.
Yeah, dude.
No.
War.
Get a woman war.
Yeah, we're going to go to war and lose every war.
Because of woman?
Because of a woman.
Yeah.
Come on, man.
Commander in chief.
We had the guys in charge during Vietnam.
Yeah, and look how that turned out.
We lost.
Look at all the great movies we got out of it, though.
All right, Governor.
I appreciate you stopping.
Who else you got?
No, line them up.
I'll shoot him down.
Okay, well, let's do Herman Kane.
I think I've already addressed that on your show.
Oh, that's right.
Well, who else do you want me to ask you about then?
Who else is it?
I don't even know.
There's Mitt Romney.
Paulanti's out.
Boom.
Gone.
Mitt Romney.
Mitt Romney.
Oh, give me a break, man.
Mormon.
No, no Mormon's going to be elected president.
Okay, because you already said you're going to kick him in his.
Oh, the Church of Latter-day Taint.
Yeah.
Show, brother.
Yeah.
That's right.
I did.
People aren't subversion Jeff Bush.
Oh, what do you think?
Come on.
People are subversive to Jeb Bush.
What do you think about Jeb Bush?
Oh, man.
Oh, I don't get along with Bush's.
I'll be honest with you.
Why is that?
You seem out of your drinks.
I'm going to tell you the truth.
I've been under the heel of those Connecticut homos for 30 years of my political life, man.
Jeb Bush, the fat one.
Come on, put Neil in there at least.
He's got the hot daughter.
Oh, really?
But he was in trouble for the savings and loan fiasco.
Yeah, anyone remember that?
No.
Yeah.
That's the problem, right?
I mean, that's like after the banking scandal.
Yeah.
2008, you're going to worry about savings and loan.
I know.
That's like saying, hey, man, this guy set off a firecracker in Nagasaki in 1942.
Yeah.
No one gives a shit.
All right, Governor.
Well, thanks for stopping by.
I really appreciate it.
You want me to be done, man?
Yeah, yeah.
I don't know what else I should ask you.
I don't know either.
What would you do about, you know, you want to repeal Obamacare, but what would you put in its place?
How about nothing care?
How about go to a ditch and die alone care?
I don't give a shit.
Well, that's not what people want.
People want their government to do it.
People, look at the polls, man.
98% of people hate all health care.
I don't think that's, I think you're making that.
That's what I saw.
I saw that in the thing.
Okay.
Do you have any more questions for him?
Stephanie?
Oh, what are you going to tell Mitt Romney at the debate?
I'm going to tell him, what's your ass?
I'm going to tell him you got 30-day, like we say in Texas, you got 30 days to clear out.
Okay.
You're not going to last long.
I will refrain from embarrassing you and your family and your bizarro space, Jesus.
If you get out gracefully and just let me get the nomination like God wants me to.
But if you don't, it's going to be hell to pay.
Now, what would you do to turn our economy around?
I would restore America to what it's supposed to be as a business friendly friendly environment.
Oh, you don't think it's business friendly right now?
Oh, no.
We hate business in this country.
Corporations are treated like the Holocaust, man, in this country.
It's ridiculous.
It's shameful.
And corporations are people, and corporations are getting raped, man.
They're not making any money, which means people aren't making any money.
No, they're making all they're making.
They're all staying.
Tautology, QED.
They say they're sitting.
I heard at a cocktail party.
They say they're sitting on $2 trillion worth of money, all the corporations.
I know.
And that sounds like it.
That would chat my ass, literally, if I were sitting on, wouldn't you want us to be able to spend that in economy that was business friendly?
Yeah.
They're sitting on $2 trillion because we've got to govern.
We've got a president that hates America who wants to tax them and make a business unfriendly environment, unlike we did in Texas.
We made a very business-friendly environment in Texas.
The prison corporatized prison system is doing very well there.
That's what I understand.
And you have oil in Texas.
Got a lot of oil there.
Yeah.
Got a lot of refineries.
And that's going very well.
Yeah, sure.
It is.
Yeah.
Sure.
It's our energy.
Who doesn't want energy, man?
Everyone needs energy.
Energy bars.
People eat that.
Do you have a prediction for the upcoming election?
I win.
What do you think?
Prediction.
What else?
That's it.
How are you going to attack President Obama?
His love.
The obvious stuff, man.
He doesn't love America.
He's a foreign agent.
Anything to gin up the base, man.
What are you talking about?
I don't have some sort of secret thing, man.
I'm going to be doing the same that works.
I mean, come on, brother.
I'm going to be playing the race card like a magician.
Is this your race card?
Yes, it is.
I'm very familiar with it.
We're going to be doing that.
We're going to be talking to Rush Limbaugh.
We're going to be attacking his family.
Okay.
We're going to be doing it.
Oh, it's going to be great, man.
Well, I look for it.
I can't wait.
I can't know.
You know, Stephen Colbert had people write in your name as P-A-R-R-Y, and they did in Iowa Straw Point.
How is it supposed to be spelled?
P-E-R-R-Y.
Oh, that's.
Oh, you're right.
What did you do that for, man?
I don't know.
To prove a point about money and politics.
Do you think there's too much corporate money in politics?
Well, not enough for me.
I mean, I don't have it yet, or I will.
But we got to get that Mormon guy out of there.
Both those Mormons.
There's another Mormon guy in there.
You know that?
No.
Is that Huntsman?
John Huntsberger.
Something like that.
Yeah, yeah.
Huntsman.
Is he?
Yeah, he's Mormon, too.
Like, what the hell?
Are they trying to take over?
Two guys running.
That's wild.
You got a Muslim in the White House.
You got two Mormon guys coming up the other side.
Give me a break, man.
Jesus is crying for his country back.
All right, Governor Rick Perry.
I appreciate you stopping by.
Hey, I'm really surprised you had me on your show.
I got to be honest.
I really appreciate it.
Okay.
Okay.
That was Governor Rick Perry sitting down with us.
Very forthright.
He just opens up.
You know, he had a couple of pops.
He had a couple of drinks.
So he starts to open up when he's drinking.
And he does swear a lot.
He seems to say the S-word a lot.
I like that in the president, though.
I like somebody who shoots from the hip and has no clue as to policy.
He's honest.
Yeah.
He seemed dumb.
I don't know if it was me.
He did seem a little dumb.
Dumb is honest.
He's honestly dumb.
Honestly, dumb.
So any other observations about him before we talk about, I wanted to talk about Labor Day because it's, you know, Labor Day is coming up.
It's going to be this Monday.
Do you know Labor Day?
Do you know how Labor Day got started?
It was Grover Cleveland's apology to the American workers for having soldiers kill union protesters, union strikers.
So that's exactly what happened.
And to make it up to the workers that he sent the military in the breakup, the strike, and they ended up killing them, some of the strikers.
And so he decided to try to get them to vote for him.
He would give him Labor Day as a national holiday.
Didn't work for him.
He lost anyway.
What do we get for Kent State?
Valentine's Day.
We got a good song from Crosby Stilson.
I think we got Secretary's Day out of that.
Yeah, I forgot.
Yeah.
So here, I wanted to read quickly because it's Labor Day on Monday and FDR.
God, we can really use an FDR.
Here's a, I'm going to read just a brief passage from one of his radio addresses about Labor Day.
Okay.
And I won't try to do his voice because I can't.
Labor Day in this country has never been a class holiday.
It has always been a national holiday.
We refuse to regard those who work with hand or brain as different or inferior to those who live from their property.
We insist that labor is entitled to as much respect as property, but our workers deserve more than respect for their labor.
They deserve practical protection in the opportunity to use their labor at a return adequate to support them at a decent and constantly rising standard of living.
I know, sounds funny to say that, right?
Can you imagine a president saying that?
Yeah.
There are those who fail to read both the signs of the times and American history.
They would try to refuse the worker any effective power to bargain collectively, to earn a decent livelihood, and to acquire security.
It is those short-sighted ones and not labor who threaten this country with class dissension, which in other countries has led to dictatorship and the establishment of fear and hatred as the dominant emotions in human life.
All American workers and the rest of us whose well-being depends on theirs know that our needs are one in building an orderly economic democracy in which all can profit and in which all can be secure from the kind of faulty economic direction which brought us to the brink of common ruin a few years ago.
There is no cleavage between white-collar workers and manual workers, between artists and artisans, musicians and mechanics, lawyers and accountants and architects and miners.
Labor Day belongs to all of us.
Labor Day symbolizes the hope of all Americans.
Anyone who calls it a class holiday challenges the whole concept of American democracy.
The 4th of July commemorates our political freedom, a freedom which without economic freedom is meaningless indeed.
Labor Day symbolizes our determination to achieve an economic freedom for the average man, which will give his political freedom reality.
���� Okay, well, we don't have FDR anymore.
And so I don't think we'll ever going to hear our president speak those words.
But I wanted to take time.
I don't know if you've noticed, but we have a very talented, very talented video editor, Frank Pulaski at Dreamy Time Films.
Frank does amazing work over there.
If you've seen any, I put up some of the videos on the website.
I'm going to put up more of them.
What he does is he takes the phone calls and some of the funny bits we do, and he puts video to them in a way that really brings them to life.
This guy, Frank Pulaski, is really talented.
So if you need any of the video work, contact Frank Pulaski.
I'm going to put a link up for him on my website to contact Doug Stewart for that.
You don't need to know any of this behind the scenes stuff, but just know that Frank Polanski, Polanski?
Pulaski did not mean to imply that he's related to Roman Polanski.
He's not.
It's Frank Pulaski.
He does great work.
You need any video editing, go see him.
We'll put a link up at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
You'll see some of the great work he does.
I've posted them on my Facebook before.
I think I put a few up at the website.
I'm not sure.
I'm not very organized.
I'm informed, but unorganized.
Okay, so all right.
So that's, I wanted to give, I wanted to give special props, make sure that everyone knows who Frank Pulaski is and the great work he does.
Oh, I wanted to remind you, too, if you're in the Seattle area, I'll be there next week, September 8th through 10th at Laughs Comedy Club in Seattle.
See you there.
Today's show is produced by Stan Mizrahi, written by Robert Yasimura.
TV's Frank Conniff, Jim Earl, Steph Zamarano, and Steve Rosenfield.
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